Judge John Hodgman - Tambourine With the Evidence

Episode Date: April 25, 2018

This week on Judge John Hodgman, Anne brings the case against her husband, Mike. Mike travels internationally a lot for work. He likes to bring home a musical instrument from each trip as a souvenir. But, Anne thinks he doesn’t need to bring an instrument home from each country he visits. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Thank you to Rick Fravel for suggesting this week's title! To suggest a title for a future episode, like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, tambourine with the evidence. Anne brings the case against her husband, Mike. Mike spends a lot of time on the road for work. He likes to bring home a musical instrument from each trip as a souvenir. But Anne thinks he doesn't need to bring an instrument home from every country. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. Instrument whose name means three strings. That's it. Swear I'm in bail if Jesse Thorne. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? So help you God or whatever. I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that he recently abandoned the ukulele in favor of the Persian stringed instrument known as the oud? Sure. As a fan of the oud, yes, I do.

Very well. Judge Hodgman? Anne and Mike, you may be seated. Good Scrabble word, by the way, there. Jancy Thorne. Ood. You see everything through Scrabble-colored glasses. I do.

It's just za and za in both lenses. But meanwhile, Anne and Mike, you guys are here. You're very kind enough to be on this podcast. So I suppose I should talk to you. I kept it brief this time. The cultural reference. In part because it is the most appropriate cultural reference. And in part because I'm exhausted.

I also have traveled recently from, in this case, Europe. I haven't been to Europe in decades. I went to Venice and I went to Paris. It's like three o'clock in the morning for me right now, so I'm tired. I couldn't do a long one, so I'm going to repeat this one for you. Instrument whose name means three strings. An immediate summary judgment, one of yours favors. You can guess what I am referring to. Mike, you go first. I would say a balalaika is the only three-stringed instrument that I know.

It's a Russian instrument. Balalaika. That's not a person. Yeah. All right. I thought it was going to be a person. That's some real balalaika stuff there. You play the balalaika? Bal fleck i don't know uh oh bela fleck one of my favorite artists i know that he banjos it up but does he play the uh

by la laika ah i've not seen him play about like all right man i'm just maybe i'm just confusing bela with byla look i'm a little jet lag crazy so i'm putting it in the guest book and yes let me give you a little hint okay mike is wrong okay what mike did was and it's understandable he's a world traveler he gets a little jet laggy he's not listening carefully what he did was i gave you the clue instrument whose name means three strings, but that's a quote from something, from a piece of popular culture. That's what I do. Obscure it may be, but it's culture.

I'm not quoting a Baila Laika. It may be that that is a three-stringed instrument, but he wasn't listening. So now it's up to you. What piece of culture was I referencing when I entered the courtroom, Anne? I would guess that that is answer on an episode of Jeopardy. Answer on an episode of Jeopardy. Yes.

What is wrong? Sorry. I know that's not my place. I just got excited to say it. That was a good guess. And because that made it a third, that means the answer in the form of a question is what is all answers are wrong. Thank you, Bill and Jesse. from yesterday, which on this day of recording was April 8th, that I was trying to do as I came back from Europe.

And I did not complete the puzzle, and I'm very mad about it. I did get this clue correct once I put it in context, once I got a couple letters. And that answer was sitar. Sitar was the answer we were looking for there, Mike. Not balalaikaika or Bela Fleck. Did you know that the original crossword writer for New York Magazine was Stephen Sondheim? No, is that true? Yeah, that was just the 50th anniversary of New York Magazine, and they had a little retrospective in there.

And that was mentioned for the first year that New York existed. Yeah. Stephen Sondheim made the crossword puzzles. That's why that first New York Magazine crossword puzzle, the answer to every clue was assassins. Sondheim joke. That's why those crossword puzzles had such complex internal rhyme schemes. That's right. Exactly so.

Like, can I just tap my foot to it? Maybe I appreciate this is important, but I also kind of like to hum. All right. We've touched on travel. We've touched on musical theater. We've touched on musical instruments. We've touched on puzzles, throw puzzles out the window. Cause that is nothing to do with this case, but all other three of those things that we touched on do have to do with this case because Anne and Mike, you're having a dispute because Mike travels around the world and he brings home a musical instrument every time. And as far as you're concerned, Anne, it's too many musical instruments in your home.

Is that correct? That is correct. All right. Tell me a little bit about what's going on, Anne. You're married to Mike? I am married to Mike. He is a performer with a well-known Montreal-based circus, and he travels around with work. I sometimes am with him, sometimes I'm not.

And every country he goes to, he has decided that he wants his souvenir to be a musical instrument. And I say that we have enough musical instruments and that perhaps maybe we could think about some other things for souvenirs rather than a new musical instrument in our home. I want to get into Mike's career in a sec. How many musical instruments have you got going so far?

We have 21 major instruments and a uh plethora of minor instruments like harmonicas kazoos uh egg shakers hand drums little things like that hand-sized instruments hand-sized instruments but of non-hand-sized instruments we have about 21 and what do you call a major instrument like a grand piano is he bringing back no he's not no we we have five ukuleles uh eight guitars uh a charango a banjo keyboard a roll-up keyboard, a violin, a handpan, it's like a big lap-based steel drum, a melodica, an accordion. Yeah. And in the plethora of minor instruments,

how many are we talking about? Mike? At least a dozen, maybe more. Anne, you're bringing this case against your husband, Mike. You didn't even count your plethora? Well, the plethora... You didn't even count your plethora. Well, the plethora. You didn't marshal your evidence and count your pleth. Well, I am looking at a list right now.

I did not count my pleth. That's enough out of you, Anne. I'm putting a mark against you on that one. One mark against Anne. Can we just kind of characterize the overall volume of instruments? I mean, rather than getting involved in numbers i might say it's like one touring supply for mickey hart's planet drum it's not enough for that yeah

yeah it's like uh more than a one man band it's it's a it's a one-man band. It's a lot. Well, a one-man band would be a bass drum that you strap on your back with a thousand cymbals on top of it or whatever. Right. I'm going to be frank. I, speaking of putting marks against people, I've already put a mark against him for not having a one-man band set up. Yeah, do you have a one-man band set up there, Mike,

or have you taped all of these instruments together already? I have wanted one of those for many, many years. I would go so far as to say all my life. Really? What's stopping you from getting one? Are they very expensive? Honestly, this is no joke, the knee cymbals. I don't think I can bash cymbals with my knees together.

Like the bass drum is fine. The hi-hat on top of the bass drum is fine. Pulling strings to make the drums go and the instruments, that's fine. But the knee cymbals always kind of weirded me out. Wait a minute, Mike. If Dick Van Dyke can do it, you can do it. Yeah. He's great though. He's better than I am.

You're telling me that you've had a dream your whole life to have a one-man band rig and the reason you haven't gone out and gotten one You're telling me that you've had a dream your whole life to have a one-man band rig, and the reason you haven't gone out and gotten one is you don't think you can hack the knee symbols? It's the part that it feels like. Mike, I'm talking. You think if you go down, where do you guys live? We live in North Carolina right now. Where in North Carolina?

We live on the Outer Banks. Outer Banks. So you think that you're going to go walking up and down the beach, the Outer Banks of North Carolina, and you have a bass drum and a thousand cymbals on top of it and kazoos rigged up to your mouth by armatures and junk, and you're walking around with that, and people from the beach are going to look up at you and go, oh, it's a one-man band. Oh, no, you know what? He doesn't have the knee cymbals.

Doesn't count. Judge, I'll say this. It's about control and intentionality because with knee cymbals, when you're just walking, you're going to unintentionally play, whereas everything else, there is some sort of intentionality to it. So I don't want to make unintentional knee cymbals. All the more reason not to have the knee cymbals. Well, right. And so if I can have the one reason not to have the knee symbols. Well, right. And so if I can have the one-man band without the knee symbols, I think I'd be okay. Judge Hodgman, you know how our friend Lin-Manuel Miranda

is starring in an upcoming, I believe it's a sequel, not a remake or reboot, to the classic children's film Mary Poppins? Mary Poppins Returns, it's called. Brought out by Disney. Disney, I'm available to perform as MODOK in any Marvel Cinematic Universe movies you have coming out. I don't mind buzz marketing that. Go ahead, your question? Having not seen the

film or heard all that much about the specifics of it and completely lacking any insider knowledge into it, do you think we can go ahead and confirm that Lin-Manuel Miranda definitely wears a one-man band outfit and sings a song? I'm willing to confirm that 100%. Great. And I bet you he uses his own.

That would be great. His own setup. Because, Mike, you're bringing back all these hand pans and lap pans and whatever you i can't believe that you haven't followed your dream and just gotten one of these things i should i did consult with a clown friend of mine recently on recreating his one-man band so what does he does the clown friend run the high class consulting business uh no i was the one consulting i was helping him wait a minute i just want to point out Does the clown friend run the high class consulting business? No, I was the one consulting.

I was helping him. Wait a minute. I want to point out, Anne can't count a plethora, and Mike is a clown friend. I don't see you just going in Anne's direction anytime soon. We have a lot of clown friends. I have clown friends. Wait a minute. I'm putting this together now. You told me, Anne, that Mike works in a Montreal-based circus.

You're very considerate not to buzz market the name of his Montreal-based circus. Yes. But may I guess it is not one of the many Montreal-based knockoffs of Cirque du Soleil, but is in fact Cirque du Soleil? You may guess that, and all guesses are right. And Mike, what do you do at the circus? Do you clean up after the elephants? What do you do?

There are no elephants in Cirque du Soleil, no animals of any kind. I know, I was making a joke. But I'm a clown with Cirque du Soleil. Oh my God. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge Sean Hodgman rules, that's all. Yes!

This has worked out perfectly. I have a very clear, I mean, producer Jennifer Marmore knows that I have a very clear stipulation in my contract that if a clown ever shows up in my courtroom and I'm tired, I can call the whole thing off and go to bed. Yes. You're a clown. Sound the victory horn. Yes, sir. Fantastic.

How long have you been doing this for? With Cirque, I've been on about two years. Don't ask questions. Answer questions. How long have you been a clown? You think I want to read your CV? How long have you been a professional clown, sir? Professional clown, 13 to 14 clown. 13 to 14 years.

13 to 14. How old are you? I am 44. Someone out there is doing math and figuring out how old you were when you got started.

Yes. Well, I was a performer before I became a clown. Okay. What were you doing before you were a clown? I was a juggler and musician

before that. And fire? And fire that. And fire. And fire performer. A very, very fine distinction. You're an occasional unicyclist. Yes. We have a unicycle. Yes.

I can't ride it, though. You see, the thing is that before I was a clown, I was a physical comedian who sometimes wore face paint and rode a unicycle and got out of a little car. But I wasn't a clown then because I didn't have the knee symbols. Small distinction. That is true. We did do a lot of clown shenanigans

in college before I was officially a clown. Let's take a quick break to hear about one of the other awesome shows here at Maximum Fun. We'll be back in just a second on Judge John Hodgman. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel.

Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear the sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language.

It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at Babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at Babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In.

Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs. They're Made In, Made In. The Rohan duck.

Made in, made in. Riders of Rohan. Duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need.

Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes

on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit MadeInCookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N Cookware.com. Court is back in session. You're listening to Tambourine with the Evidence. We've heard about Mike's clowning career. Now let's get back into the courtroom where he'll explain how he began collecting musical instruments. You travel all over the world. You're bringing back musical instruments. How did this hobby get started? What was the first one you brought back where you're like, this is going to be my thing?

You know, in addition to being a world traveling clown, I kind of need a gimmick. Yeah, it's going to be bringing back a musical instrument and torturing my wife with it every time. Where did you get this idea, Ridge? Well, it was originally in South America. The dressing room that I'm in is, we also share it with a band. And so the band will occasionally get very excited about an instrument they find in one of the local music shops. And so in South America, in Santiago, Chile, it was a charango, which is an Andean musical instrument loosely based off a lute. It's almost like a double-stringed ukulele with five courses of strings instead of four. So it's got a beautiful sort of 12 string guitar type sound.

It's also, it was originally made with the shell of an armadillo because the, the craftsmen in South America could not recreate the rounded wood shapes of the body of the instrument of the loop. I thought it was just because they were incredibly cruel. That too. There's a highly unusual and completely benign creature who's got one of the most right incredible natural features that evolution has provided what am i going to do

kill it scoop out its meat and use its back to make a guitar meme yes they don't do that they're not very fast and there's plenty of them so um. So a lot of the musicians bought them, and so I, of course, also got interested. I'm also interested in any musical instrument I come across, even though I'm not great at playing them. I enjoy trying to play them. So I got one, and it was wonderful because it is very similar to the ukulele, but different enough, and it had different enough sound. And so then I thought, you know, this is a perfect example of a time and place, which is something I'm very big on, which is, you know, seeing this instrument either hanging up on my wall or, you know, in my studio

will immediately take me back to this wonderful experience I had in South America, you know, learning a new instrument and, you know, and then sharing the story. I got it. If someone is interested. Be and, you know, and then sharing the story. I got it. If someone is interested. Be quiet, clown. Yes. I got the point. And then just went on from there.

Yes. I'm sorry I called you clown, but I have a right. It is your job. Oh, I take it as compliment. But you bring up a point, which is there's long settled law in this fake internet court. which is long-settled law in this fake internet court. The difference between a hoard and a collection is a method of display. You have this dead armadillo uke hanging up in what, your studio?

I'm going to ask Anne now, what is the method by which these instruments are stored, preserved, displayed, or are they just piled up in a corner? Tell me, Anne. So these instruments are piled up in corners in houses throughout the country. They're not just in our house. We have instruments stored at our house in North Carolina, at my parents' house in Michigan, at Mike's parents' house in Georgia, at his brother's house, and at his sister's house. So the instruments are everywhere. Do your relatives know that Mike is hiding instruments in their homes? Like, are they aware that he's leaving secret stashes of stringed instruments? I think my

parents are going to be surprised. I don't think my folks know that there is a guitar in their basement bedroom. So I think his parents and his siblings are pretty aware. At our house, before we sold the house and Mike went on tour, we did have a television room and we had a lot of the instruments hanging on the walls. And that was pretty cool. And then we had the space for it in our house in Georgia. And that was awesome. Our house in North Carolina is a much different situation. It's a beach house. It's not got a lot of space. It certainly doesn't have necessarily the wall space. And it's used a lot by friends and family, not just us. And to be fair, in this house, I'm not as interested in having the walls covered with musical instruments as I was like in the TV room in Georgia. Right. Because you hate music and you hate dead armadillo bodies. No. And to be and I have to be really honest and fair of those 21 instruments,

two of the guitars and the violin that we didn't mention, those are mine. So I own two guitars and a violin. Oh, you're also a musician. So you don't hate music. No, I don't hate music. And when Mike says he's not very good at playing the instruments, that's a lie. He's a really pretty talented musician. Okay. I was going to ask you if you were telling the truth or lying. So thank you for offering that truth. And I will ask you to offer no more false modesty in my courtroom, Mike. Okay? Because I'm trying to make a decision here. Understood, Judge. But Ann brings up an important point, which is, you know, I called you clown. Now I'm going to go even harder on you.

Mike, you're a carny. You're traveling show folk. Oh. I've already heard about houses in Georgia and North Carolina. And do I read this correctly that you've spent or are spending some time in China? Is that correct? Yes, that's where the tour is currently. So I'm just on break from that tour. You're on break from the tour. So you're back and I'm reaching you in North Carolina now.

When do you head back to China? At the end of the week. And are you both going and do you go with? No, I'll stay behind because I have some work to do here. So I spend about half of the year on tour. You've got some Dobros that you have to dust, some left behind kazoos. Seriously, every time he comes home from tour, then I got to figure out a place to put all this stuff that he brings home. And how long will Mike be away in China for?

For another about two and a half months, and then I'll be back again on a break. And then back in Asia. How long does a break last? Anywhere from two to three weeks. Oh, okay. So I spend about half the year on tour with him. And what are you doing the other half of the year? So I'm a recreation therapist, and I have a small consulting business. Mostly what I do now

is summer camp staff training. So I have a number of summer camps that I take care of and I go and I train their staff and then I consult throughout the summer. So my business is mostly summer based. A recreation therapist? Yes, sir. You teach people how to play and have fun? Yes, mostly. Well, you've got a fascinating job too. How did you guys meet each other? We met at a summer camp in Connecticut where Mike was being a camp clown. Oh, nice. Is it a good camp? Do you want to name it? Sure. I'd be happy to. Go ahead, Mike. Oh, it's called the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp. Hole in the Wall Gang Camp. It's the Paul Newman place. Yes, it is. Yeah, absolutely. That's where we met. It's a really Newman place. Yes, it is. Yeah, absolutely. That's a good place.

That's where we met. It's a really good place. You know, I've had some lovely couples on, and you are probably the third loveliest of them all. Oh. Wow, top three. I don't even know what the rankings are, but that's fantastic. You guys, what a life. You meet at this great camp, and explain what the camp is all about to people who might not know it.

Sure. Hole in the Wall Gang Camp was founded by Paul Newman and it is for kids with chronic medical conditions. The reason I got involved with it is because I used to work for a hemophilia foundation. And so my background is working with kids with bleeding disorders. I used to run the oldest camp for kids with hemophilia in the country is in Michigan. It's called Camp Bold Eagle, this amazing camp. Through them, I learned about Hole in the Wall. And Hole in the Wall handles not just hemophilia, but also sickle cell and metabolic disorders and cancer and all sorts of just to provide a really awesome experience for kids whose lives aren't always the most physically healthy.

So it's a perfect place for me as a recreation therapist. whose lives aren't always the most physically healthy. So it's a perfect place for me as a recreation therapist. And they have this great agreement with what at the time was the Big Apple Circus. And the Big Apple Circus and Hole in the Wall had this great thing where they would bring out resident clowns. And these clowns would come out to camp and just wreak havoc, sort of bring that extra special oomph, that camp magic into every day. So, you know, I was a camp director and camp

administrator and that was sort of, you know, taking all the business of camp. And then here comes Mike as his clown name. So I didn't actually know his name was Mike for quite a while. So his clown name at camp is Smarty Pants. And here comes Smarty Pants, just like making people happy and doing just kooky, awesome, fun things with whoever was his clown partner. And, you know, he's pretty cute. Really irresistible, honestly. Well, thank you guys for doing such good work and having such a good time while doing it. And thank you also, legacy of Paul Newman, an amazing, you know, for a guy who was, let's face it, a professional pool hustler. Turns out he's a pretty good guy.

Yeah, yeah. And it's a really amazing camp. Very special place. He's an amazing man. Your descriptions of all of this are really making it hard for me to have basically a fundamental conviction of my life, which is people with circus skills are not to be trusted. I would hold on to that a little bit there, Jesse. Yeah, I don't know how this happened actually, Jesse, but I actually had another window open

on my browser here, and I'm just watching my bank account get drained as we talk. I don't know how Mike got my information. I just needed a voice identification. Yeah, that's right. This is my password. All right. So you see this guy, Smarty Pants, at the camp. You fall in love with him. You're like, I cannot wait to get married to him and find out what way he's going to eventually drive me insane with his weird hobbies. I thought you were about to say, I can't wait to get married to him and find out what his non-clown name is. It's true that clowns can only reveal their real names on the wedding night. Isn't that right, Mike?

Yeah, that is correct. Yeah. I'm surprised you know that. Mike is just your podcast name. Your true name is only known to Anne and your previous three wives because carny folks can't be trusted. There's power in a name. Harry Dresden said that. Yeah. Oh, you're a big nerd. I'm a big nerd.

That's a reference to a fantasy novel series of some kind? Yes. Yes, Jed. Yes. Yeah. It's one of the ways we bonded. Probably some podcast listeners got a big thrill out of that. So you're welcome. Probably. I'm sure. You sent in some evidence and these are photos of you amidst your collection. Yes. And those are just the instruments we have in North

Carolina. These are just, this is a partial sampling of the Smarty Pants collection. Yes. And the first photo you have, and these will all be available, of course, at the show page at MaximumFun.org and on our Instagram, which is Instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman, is Mike surrounded by guitars on a sofa, wearing shorts and no shoes, naturally, carny, playing guitar, also playing a melodica, and balancing a small guitar on your head. Yeah. Yes, Jed. Yeah.

How many things can you balance in your head at one time? Oh, I can only balance one thing unless they are stacked on top of each other. Gotcha. And then I haven't really tested those limits. So if you put a dead armadillo on top of this mini guitar, could you balance both of those at the same time? Yes, dead ones are much easier than live ones. Okay.

And then we have another picture of you with all of the musical instrument cases here in your Outer Banks home. And people look, I love all of the old fashioned plywood siding on your home here. It's rough hewn cypress. It really does seem like a beach rental kind of like a summer rental style. That's exactly what it is. Because you can't live in a permanent home because you're show folk. Right. And then you have a picture of the handpan, which is this, what you call it. Where is the handpan from? You mentioned it as like a lap-based

thingamabob. Yeah, it's like a steel drum that you put in your lap. And Mike, you got that in Australia. Got it in Australia, but it's made in Switzerland. Oh, perfect to remember your trip to Thailand. but it's made in Switzerland. Oh, perfect to remember your trip to Thailand.

None of these photos really provide much evidence other than intensifying the adorableness of you guys. So I do encourage everyone to go check them out. There's a photo of you playing the guitar mic with Luigi the dog on your shoulder. Here's Anne playing her violin at a wedding. And here are you guys on your wedding day, right? Yes. With Mike playing the ukulele and two puppies, Luigi and puppy,

and Mike balancing. Mike, did you say your vows with this stool balanced on your chin? I would have if she would have let me. Uh-huh. Fantastic. Circus folk. I would say 90% of our wedding photos are of Mike doing circus-related things

and 10% of me looking pretty. I feel like you've probably gotten to the point in your life where you realize that no matter what life event there is a photo album of, 90% of them will be Mike doing circus things. Yes. Yes. You now understand. Here's the Great Wall of China. Here's Mike balancing a stick on his face at the Great Wall of China. Yes. All right. And what would you like me to rule if I were to rule in your favor? You've got some 21 major instruments, an unspecified plethora of

minor instruments, no more instruments? I would say one in, one out. You know, if he wants to bring in more instruments, that's fine, as long as there are some that we can move out. I have no problem. I mean, I think it's really cool. I mean, part of me is like, yeah, this is really cool. These are some neat instruments, but I really, I just one in, one out. I mean, when we were in Australia, almost every day, he threatened to buy a didgeridoo. And I just, I just don't want, and then when we got to China, then he started in on this thing called the halusi. And I just want to know that if he does go and get one of these things, that means he has to give up one that we already have at somebody's home in the United States.

My understanding from my days at UC Santa Cruz is that when you buy a unicycle, you're issued a didgeridoo. Yeah. I wish. Yeah. I wish. The clown guild arrives and throws one into the hands of the clown of the couple and then the spouse of that person goes, oh, no.

Should have seen this coming. Mike, you heard it from Anne. One in, one out. Every time you bring home a new instrument, she gets to smash one of your old ones in your beclowned face, in your grease-painted face. It would make me a sad clown.

Well, you've had a good run, a 14-year run as being one of the happiest and the most adorable clowns that I've had the pleasure to witness. And there's also a video of you. You have your promo reel, which we'll be posting on the show page as well. I've watched it.

You're an adorable clown. Well clowned. Oh, thank you. But you're a clown. Are you going to have kids? Yay or nay? Probably nay, right? No kids.

Nay. Exactly. Nay on kids. And there's a reason because you're moving around all the time, right, Mike? Right. Isn't there something else that you could collect that might be a different and maybe a more portable or smaller little souvenir of the places that you could collect that might be a different and maybe a more portable or smaller little souvenir of the places that you've gone to? I mean, is it fair to keep shoving guitars

and armadillo ukuleles into the walls of your in-laws' houses and stuff? That is fair. I do have, my other favorite thing is I have a beautiful small black case filled with SIM cards from every country that I've been to. And so that's also a beautiful, you know, way of remembering every country that I've been to in a very small, compact, so tiny that I lost it in China. Right. Luckily I found it again. Right. So that is another thing that I've done.

And, you know, and we do buy some art and we buy I bought a seltzer bottle actually that was gifted to me in South America a seltzer bottle a little on the red nose there Mike if you know what I mean it is and the seltzer bottle is red

it was a gift. It was a gift. I didn't buy that. If I were to rule in your favor, Mike, what would you have me rule? Same old, same old, no change? No. I mean, I'm all for temperance. I don't want to overload our-

No, you're not. You've got 21 guitars, dude. He is not for temperance. Ask him how many umbrellas we own. Not for temperance. Umbrellas arellas we own. Not for temperance. Umbrellas are a beautiful thing. And I give most of those away as gifts. We could have had a whole podcast just about the umbrellas.

After I came home from China, I said to Mike, I think I chose the wrong thing for the podcast. We need to talk about umbrellas. How many umbrellas do you have, Anne? We probably have 15 umbrellas. Oh, no, no, it's not that many. Yeah, no, we do. We probably have 15 umbrellas. I've heard everything I need to. I'm going to go into my tent that serves as my chambers as I pass through this hick town and try to take all their money. I'll be back in a moment with my ruling.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Anne, how do you feel about your chances in the case? Well, I feel pretty much as I thought I might. Mike is just unfailingly charming, and everyone who meets him loves him and just wants to let him have and be however he wants and he's really cute too i mean it's really i get it you don't even see his face and so i don't uh i don't have much faith that i have any chance of winning at all to be honest is it possible that you're projecting

your sincere love for your husband onto others who I think, by and large, are clowns? He's just so adorable. Mike, how do you feel about your chances? I felt a lot better until the umbrella turn at the very end. Yeah, I felt like, you know, Judge was a big fan of clowns and circus and all of a sudden, 15 umbrellas, that is wildly inaccurate. It's so many more than we have. No, we very easily have 15 umbrellas. I follow the philosophy of singing in the rain, you know, where you give away your umbrella if

someone needs an umbrella. I've got six or seven umbrellas, and that's like having 50 or 60 umbrellas if I lived in a place where it ever rains. You do the conversion on that one. We'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a second. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney.

I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever

you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try.

Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Ah, it'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself.

A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. AlbumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. There is a theater in Richmond, Virginia called The National. It's a beautiful theater, and it was a vaudeville theater originally. I went there to go see our friend John Darnielle and the Mountain Goats play some years ago and visit my friend Jay Evans. And in the upstairs backstage area, there is a room that was

rediscovered during the renovation of the theater. It had been lost. Basically, they had walled over the door. And when they were renovating the theater, they opened it. It had been lost, basically. They had walled over the door. And when they were renovating the theater, they opened it. And inside this room, no one knew what it was until they opened the door and they shined flashlights on it. And then they saw the most terrifying illustrations of clowns you've ever seen. Horrifying illustrations of harlequins dancing on the walls with strings between them and various animals suspended by other strings from those strings as though these little horsies and duckies and little lions were being hanged from these ropes between these harlequins. hanged from these ropes between these harlequins.

You know what this room was? It was a nursery. This is where the show folk would put their children to bed when they came through town to do the show. And then they would do the show, and then they would take them back to the hotel, and then they would go to the next place, which I presume also had a horrifying nursery to put your child in. It's terrible. I think of all of the children, you know, that fell

asleep to these horrifying. And if you look up the National in Richmond, Virginia, hidden nursery, you can see the photos. It is scary. I was like, yeah, if you're on the road all the time, certain things become complicated. Having children being chief among them because it is hard for children to travel and fall asleep to terrifying clouds. Another thing that's hard to have if you're traveling around all the time as a circus member. 21 instruments plus a plethora of other ones. Under normal circumstances, if you guys were set up and were stationed in one place in your life, if you guys had careers that did not involve travel. You know, then I might say, oh boy, you know, if you've got a big enough basement or whatever, I guess you can collect musical instruments.

But even then, Mike, I got to tell you, 21. 21 guitars and variations on the ukulele. That's a problematic number. Setting aside the pleth of kazoos and finger cymbals and castanets and whatever else you got. 21 string instruments. I appreciate that you can make use of two string instruments at a time. You can play one and balance another one, but that's it for you. They only get a little bit of use each time. Even if you weren't traveling the world frequently and moving house and having to store weird stashes of instruments in your friends' and family's houses,

that would be a lot. It would be a lot to have. One of the things about musical instrument collections that I learned in researching for this case is that they're a little controversial. Because especially with wooden string instruments, if you don't play them, they don't get better. They go bad. And it's controversial that the Met, the Metropolitan Museum of Art here in New York City, where I live, that they don't allow their instruments to be played more than once or twice a year, if that. they don't allow their instruments to be played more than once or twice a year, if that.

Because a lot of musicians and a lot of musical instrument curators say the instruments need to be played or else their quality declines because the reverberation of the sound affects the instrument. affects the instrument. If you weren't moving around, even then, I would say, you've got to get out and play these things. And as much as I appreciate the beauty of the things you're bringing home, the fact of the matter is, I mean, you're already well beyond

what you can store in your own semi-permanent beach lean-to in the Outer Banks where you're living now. And you can store in your own semi-permanent beach lean-to in the Outer Banks where you're living now. And you can't even take care of all the instruments that you already have. I don't want to say no to you, Mike. I don't want to say no to a clown. I don't want to make a clown cry. And the other thing is, they're all the same kind of instrument. They're all these guitars and stuff. Like I was hoping to hear about at least one theremin. The charango sounded good. Even a didgeridoo would be better. Hallucy, I don't even know what that is, but that's not

what you got. I was waiting to hear if you had like an octobass. You don't have an octobass, right? You know what an octobass is, Jesse? No. It's a 10-foot tall bass, like a double bass, except 10 of them. Sounds like a perfect instrument for a clown to play. It requires foot pedals to play.

You don't have a theremin. You don't have a glass harmonica. You don't have a theremin. You don't have a glass harmonica. You don't have a pyrophone, which is an organ that shoots fire. You don't have a hyperbass flute. Then you're talking about a collection. Currently, you're talking about more guitars than you need. Normally, I try to get these verdicts going such that I fake you out. I think I'm going to go one way, but then I'm going to go another way.

But I can't. The truth is, I think you're adorable. I think the hobby is adorable. But I think that this is not a collection. I think it's a hoard. I think you have more musical instruments than you could ever play. They're getting worse as they sit in the walls and attics of your family members. as they sit in the walls and attics of your family members.

And I think you need to focus on another more portable hobby. And it can't be that SIM card hobby because that's weird and depressing. It truly does seem like you're stealing identities there. Like, I don't know what that's all about. Yeah. So here's what I'm going to say. I'm going to rule in Ann's favor, and specifically I'm going to order no more guitar other similar style instruments and get rid of 10 of them and donate them to the hole in the wall gang camp or something. Oh, you can donate them to camp.

Oh, he's crying. And then I want you to focus on that plethora. The little things, I'm all for that. Castanets, kazoos, flutes, anything that's about, you know, anything that can fit in your carry-on luggage, go for it. But those guitars and stuff, and please don't get rid of that Durango. I don't want that Armadillo to have died for nothing. Guitars and stuff, and please don't get rid of that Durango.

I don't want that Armadillo to have died for nothing. You need to keep your hobby portable to suit your life. You also need to make sure that the things that you're collecting are being used and put to good use. And I'm not saying you even necessarily have to give away or, you know, sell those guitars and give the money the whole mall gang camp maybe you write to them and say will you take care of these for me while i travel the world bringing joy to everyone and put them to good use probably they have some musical education there at that camp do they and do yeah see yeah problem solved once you get rid of 10 i think you're going to feel great and you're going to want to get rid of another five. And then you'll only have six, which is a great number of things to have. Plus, you can continue to collect the plethora. Until then, I salute both of you for bringing

more joy to the world. That is a direct quote from Peter H. Gilmore, high magus of the Church of Satan, what he said to me when I sent him my book. And I send that good, joyous message to you as well. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Mike, how do you feel about the verdict?

You know, at first it stungung especially the get rid of 10 but you know if we can get them to into the hands of you know good people who can use them for good things that's great and the the silver lining here is a big silver lining is the you know work on the plethora like uh i'm i'm I'm thinking Lucy's in hurdy-gurdies all day long now. Yeah. That sound was tremendous, Anne. Now we know what it sounds like when a human heart deflates. So true. Anne, how are you feeling about fewer fewer instruments more hurdy-gurdies well you did hear my human heart deflate um yeah no i'd be thrilled to get some of these instruments and the judge is totally right about them being played and and i even take that to

heart too that the violin is mine and it needs more love and more playing. And so I feel a little inspired myself to make sure it gets out and gets played more frequently. The plethora is, you know, maybe we'll just have to come back and talk to you about the plethora

in a couple of years. Well, Anne, Mike, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. That's where we put out our calls for submissions. You can also follow us on Twitter. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Hodgman is at Hodgman. Hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets.

Hashtag JJHO. And you can join us on the Maximum Fun subreddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com to chat about the cases. This week's episode, recorded by Victor Bowen at WHRO Public Media in Norfolk, Virginia. Our producer here in Los Angeles and engineer is the great Jennifer Marmer. Hooray! Now, Swift Justice, where we answer your small disputes with quick judgment. Mary asks, should my 40-year-old husband shave his beard? It is super scraggly.

I'm not sure why she names him unless she's trying to differentiate him from her other husbands. But I would say no. I mean, no. It would be the height of hypocrisy for me, whose scraggly beard you can hear through the microphone as I speak, to order a man to shave his beard sight unseen. You did not send in a photo and frankly, you know, uh, let him go through whatever he's going through. Uh, unless he gets a job on television where they, they make him shave it off. He'll come around eventually. He'll figure it out. But let me just say this real quick, Has nothing to do with the Swift Justice.

Jesse, do you have your browser in front of you? I do, yes. Okay. I want you to look up on Wikipedia if you can. Pink fairy armadillo. This is the smallest species of armadillo. I was just thinking about armadillos because of this case will you let me know when you're there

how little is it it's i don't know it's little it is everyone has to look up this armadillo because a jesse's reaction to it is exactly. It is the smallest species of armadillo. And B... Oh, what a cute little diller. Yeah. I want you to look at that armadillo and think to yourself, if you thought I was unfair to Mike during this case... It's three and a half to four and a half inches long.

Oh my goodness. If you think I've been unfair to Mike in this case... 4.2 ounces. Just remember... It's a quarter pounder. That clown wants to turn this little beautiful armadillo into a ukulele. So. I rest my case.

That's it for this week's episode. Submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO or email Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. No case is too small. We'll see you next time on the or email Hodgman at maximum fund.org. No case is too small. We'll see you next time on the judge. John Hodgman podcast. Maximum fund.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported.