Judge John Hodgman - Textual Harassment

Episode Date: December 10, 2015

When Hector wants to get a hold of his friend Molly, he'll send her repeated texts or emails, with just the word "hi" or an emoji. Molly says his digital poking has become a stressor in her life. Can Judge Hodgman help these pals resolve their dispute?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, textual harassment. Molly brings the case against her good friend Hector. Hector values her advice and often seeks her thoughts on matters professional or personal. Since they live far away from each other, he often texts or emails her to get in touch. Molly says that his digital poking and consultation has gotten out of hand. Should Hector tone it down? Well, only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Smiling face with open mouth emoji.

Family emoji, man, woman, boy, girl. Equal sign, equal sign, period. Anguished face emoji. Family emoji, man, woman, boy, girl. Equal sign. Equal sign. Period. Anguished face emoji. Family emoji. Man, woman, boy, girl. Equal sign. Equal sign with a slash through it. Russian flag.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear them in. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he frankly never seeks advice from anyone, save for former Vice President Hubert Humphrey using his Ouija board? I do.

I do. Very well, Judge Hodgman. You may be seated. Molly and Hector, for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors. Can either of you name the obscure cultural reference that I made as I entered the courtroom? Hector, you are the respondent. Molly is bringing you to this fake internet court. So you have the choice to either guess first or make Molly guess first, but you will both guess. That is my order. Hector, will you take the option to guess first or pass? I will guess first. Go for it. Moscow and the

Hudson. An interesting guess, but before I say whether it is right or wrong, I will let Molly guess. It sounds like the opening passage of Anna Karenina in emoji form. All right. Well, it was nice playing with you, Anna. You're absolutely correct. Yes.

Unbelievable. Does that mean I win already? Yeah. Yeah, it does. It does. It does. I don't know what we're going to do for the podcast. This has only happened once or twice before.

Oh, my gosh. And usually I'm able to find some loophole to get out of making an immediate summary judgment in your favor. making an immediate summary judgment in your favor. But in this case, I'm not going to, because that was, as we referred to recently in our Mortal Kombat-themed podcast of the other week, that was a flawless victory. How? How?

Were you in my house this morning? Possibly. How did you? How did you? What? Describe? Hold. First what describe hold first of all first of all i find in molly's favor this is the sound of a gavel judge john hodgman rules that is all now we're just gonna have to talk for a while about your problems and stuff and see and hector you can maybe see if you can change my mind. But tell me your train of thought.

How did you come to that? Well, it sounded like it. Who are you, sorceress? That's a very famous line, right? About happy families and unhappy families. Can you say the line? Oh, gosh. All happy families are happy in the same way, but all unhappy ones are unhappy in their own way.

No, you didn't say it correctly. So now we have to hear the case. I take back my judgment. I hear your appeal. Appeal approved, Hector. We will hear the case. Phew. Why didn't I think of that loophole?

I guess I was too astonished, even though I proved to be a judge in bad faith by revoking your immediate summary judgment. You still have my admiration. The quote, of course, is all happy families are alike. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. And even if you had gotten that right, I would have said you got it wrong because he didn't say it in Russian. It is the famous opening line of Leo Tolstoy's Anna Karenina translated, as you said, into emojis because you contend that Hector, your friend Hector, is fulfilling his name by Hectoring you with repeated requests for advice. Requests that sometimes take the form of just text messages of emojis, even without words.

Is that not so, Molly? That is so. Explain to me why Hector needs your advice. So Hector and I are really close, very good friends. We've known each other, I guess, a decade now. And we click in that way that I think it's rare to click with another person that, you know, we really understand each other. We give each other really valued and important advice when we're dealing with issues in our

own lives. Um, so I don't begrudge him at all asking me for advice. It's more the manner in which it often happens. Um, and the way that he chooses to get in contact with me that is the issue. You guys have known each other for a decade. Molly, where do you live and how old are you? I am 28 and I currently live in Ann Arbor, Michigan. And so were you high school friends? No, we met at undergrad in St. Paul, Minnesota.

You mean undergrad college? Good old UC of St. Paul? It's a small liberal arts college mcallister college oh sure yeah absolutely hector uh you are the same age then or thereabouts yeah yeah yeah and uh and you live where um i'm actually in belgium in louisville belgium my goodness. What do you do in Belgium? I'm also a grad student. We're both grad students, but just across the way from the pond from each other. And Molly, you're a graduate student in what? I'm getting my PhD in history and women's studies. And Hector, you're getting your PhD in lambic beer? In a Chimay a Chimay minor.

But I'm in philosophy. Okay, great. You know what my philosophy is? Don't go to grad school? People like what they like. You have to spend money to make money. That was what I was going to say. People do like what they like.

That's true. What would that be termed as philosophy? A tautology? That uh good advice okay well you are seeking good advice from belgium all the time why don't what what what are you why don't you why can't you take care of yourself uh molly uh is a good advice giver i would like to say that first in order to not make myself look like a monster. And then she, so I, I,

wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Hector, let me understand. Let me explain something to you here. I don't presume that everyone's a monster right off the bat. You,

you've displayed no monstrous tendencies so far. Molly has not made a particularly strong case against you at this point. All she is saying is that uh my friend needs my help and i am tired of giving him help if anyone looks like a monster at this point it's molly especially since i'm not convinced she doesn't have a spy camera in my home and maybe in my brain to figure out the cultural reference that way. So don't you worry about it, Hector. You just relax. Let me give you some advice.

Relax and just take it easy. What kind of advice do you ask Molly for? Give me a specific example, if you don't mind. Well, I think the most advice I ever ask from her is she is a, uh, she's a very, well, she, she has a, uh, uh, an aptitude, uh, a knack for, um, professionalism that is, uh, really to be admired. And she's really good at sort of, uh, just, I'll stop you right there. Why do you need to know anything about professionalism? You are a graduate student in philosophy in belgium right good point you're in europe studying philosophy professional for you is putting on a shirt that's not too far for the truth i don't think actually it's like it's it's like how much

cheese can i eat at lunch or how or how much how little cheese can I eat at lunch? Or how little cheese can I eat at lunch and still be accepted by the people around me? It's more like it. Give me an example of a question of professional nature that you would ask Molly. I think most of the questions I've asked are about emails. So I think in life and in grad school, you have to write a lot of emails. Yes. And there are all different kinds of emails. And sometimes getting the tone right for emails is an entire – it's a quest.

I mean I don't think we're born knowing how to write the right kind of email. And so sometimes I'll be uncertain about whether the tone in a particular email is right. And, you know, I'll ask for it. What kind of email? Are you abusive in your emails? No, they're just regular emails. Who are you writing to? Your colleagues?

Yeah, sometimes colleagues. Fellow students? your, your, your colleagues. Yeah. Sometimes colleagues. Yeah. Sometimes fellow students. Uh, sometimes, uh, uh, people who are in a position of,

you know, supervisory positions, um, or, um, you know, people who are in the game of, uh,

uh, granting fellowships or whatever. And those people are, you know, you got to address them in a particular way. And those people are, you know, you got to address them in a particular way. Yeah, do you normally start your emails like, hey, dum-dum, why aren't you writing me back? You really got to come with the realness

if you're addressing somebody who's in that hard, raw fellowship game. Yeah, you know what, though? The Belgian philosophers respect a little aggro in their email. You know what I'm saying? Oh, you're right. Well, see, this is what I don't know. This is what I've never. This is what you're not born knowing.

You don't know how hard to go. Molly, you accuse Hector of actually not having common sense or pretending to not have common sense about these things in order to bother you with emails of his own. So far, that's he seems to be displaying that rather well yeah i mean i i don't think he is doing it maliciously i think he actually doesn't have common sense about these things in particular and i guess like yeah the copy editing is definitely something i don't enjoy or feel like i should have to do as his friend. Molly. Yes. Hector will send you an email for you to copy edit.

Is that what I'm understanding? Basically, there are two issues here. One is this thing about emails. The other is the way that he gets in contact me to ask me to like help with these things. The email thing, the concrete example I can provide is this is actually not a copy editing one, but he received an email from a program that I think maybe I forget what it was about. He got an email from someone and it said something like, he asked me, does this mean, what does this mean for me? And the email said, your application is due in one week. And his question was, does this mean my application is due in one week?

And I think I replied, are you serious? And he said, yes, I'm serious. I need to know what's going on. What was not clear to you? See, this is, I i don't sometimes emails they're they're they're tonal no there are tonal problems with emails there's not a tonal issue with that well in this i mean molly didn't molly didn't submit this email on evidence so i'm only going on her assertion that what she's representing is true no but i i'm i'm i'm i recall this email uh the the i think the the email itself was uh if i'm not mistaken an automated email

so i couldn't quite tell uh the urgency of what was going on in that email i couldn't quite tell if a week meant a week because it was an email that was written by a robot. And robots are liars. Yeah, exactly. Your concern was that when the robot maliciously typed to you simple information, such as your application is due in a week, you were concerned that, in fact, it might be due sooner and the robot was too dumb to know, or that it wasn't due for three weeks and the robot was just giving you a hard time because of the hatred of humans.

Probably more the latter than the former. It's really interesting that you read this email in the context of your imagination that there is a robot or automated programming behind it rather than simply taking the information at face value. It's almost like a perceptual, it's like face blindness almost. Do you know what I mean? Do you think this would have been the good subject for an Oliver Sacks book, Judge Hodgman? Alas, Oliver Sacks has passed away fairly recently,

a fascinating man. But yeah, I mean, it's I want to and I don't say this in order to suggest monstrosity to you in the least, sir. But I want you to understand my utter befuddlement as to what the what your issue was with the tone of this email, given that the information was very clearly laid out for you. And it didn't really matter where its point of origin was. As far as you were concerned, your application is due in a week. was very clearly laid out for you and it didn't really matter where its point of origin was as far as you were concerned your application is due in a week that's an english sentence that is pretty clear why do you think you were so wrapped up in whether or not it was true and what do you think molly could have told you again Again, I think part of why I went to Molly with that particular question is because she had been through a similar process not long before.

So I thought she could maybe assist in reading between the lines. Did you think she was going to say, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got one of those robot messages before. That robot is broken. In fact, your application is not due until next year. Well, if it would have been, if there was a, you know, if it would have been something that you could interpret, then she would have been able to interpret it. You know, and if it was something that was, as she said. Were you able to accept that there was nothing here to interpret?

Well, especially after she very pointedly said, you know, something along the lines of, you know. Are you serious? Yeah, are you serious? You know, then if I'm not, if I recall correctly. Quick question, quick question. Molly, your email, was it an email or a text to him that said, are you serious? I think I replied in the email. Right. And so when you received Molly's said, are you serious? I think I replied in the email.

Right. And so when you received Molly's email, are you serious? Do you remember getting that email, or in your mind, did it say something else? That sounds like Molly. Were you able to interpret the tone? The tone is usually the same when she replies. That's not fair.

I object to that. We've already that point you're fair i object to that we've already established that you're some kind of weird witchy monster creature who can read minds and obviously has no problem interpreting tone especially when there is no tone as there rarely is in robotic language judge i think i've actually just pulled is it is it possible to submit this in evidence? Yes. Even though that would, okay. I'm looking at the email right now. Do you want me to just narrate what happens here? No, I'd like you to send it to me directly. So just send it right now to... Okay, it's sent.

All right, I'm opening it now. Dear Judge Ass***, what? No, you can't start an email that way. What? Hector? Oh my God. Nobody helps me anymore. And then there are a hundred emoticons that are just a pile of poo in the shape of my name.

You must have had that ready to go, ready to cut and paste. there are a hundred emoticons that are just a pile of poo in the shape of my name. That's very, but you must've had that ready to go, ready to cut and paste. That's really, that probably took a solid day of work to do that kind of emoticon art. Oh my goodness. All right. And now here comes the robot message. Dear Hector,

our records show that you have started an application for the philosophy program at University, but you have not yet submitted your application. The deadline for that program for fall 2015 admission is on February 15, 2015. I don't even know what that means. Molly, Molly, what does that mean? I don't know. It's bafflement. all right hector i don't want to make fun of you please do no no that's your job molly i'm supposed to be impartial um and i don't want to i don't want to belabor this point was your concern that the deadline

was actually earlier or was your hope that the deadline was actually later? Well, I think a combination of both of those things. I, my, my, my suspicion was that it was earlier, but I wanted her to, to, you know, to, to, uh, to chime in. And once she chimed in, did you accept that the deadline for the program is on February 15, 2015? Well, yeah, I mean, and yeah, partially because she, because her response to that email is it doesn't seem to matter.

You know, what, what you're reading too much into it, essentially, which, you know, sort of let me realize that it wasn't, you know, it wasn't worth looking into it more deeply than I was looking into it. Did you get your deadline in on time? I mean, did you get your application in on time? Yes, I did. All right. And were you accepted to the program? Not that particular program. Well, it was complicated, but not exactly. You didn't get in? It was complicated because your application began with,

Dear Horrific Robots, I resent your nasty nagging of me, and I know you think ill of me. I can read between the lines, and I know that you want me dead. Stop hectoring me, robots. There can be only one hectoring me robots there can be only one hectare okay molly you have another complaint against hector which is the the you mentioned it's the style in which he approaches you for advice can you explain that to me so what he'll do is it tends to be he has a thing he wants to ask me and he'll shoot off a text that will be high or it'll say malls or it'll be a smiley face.

And if he doesn't hear from me, he'll essentially keep sending either that same message or variations on that theme until I reply. And the theme being just hi or your name? Like no substance, yeah. Right, no, not giving you any indication. Well, my favorite is he's done this thing where he'll write three forward slashes and then just send that. What does it mean?

Because that's, you know what? That's legitimately hard to interpret. That would be one where I'm like, there is a robot trying to kill me. Look at the weird thing they're sending me. Yeah, precisely. And if I'm in a good mood,

like it's fine. But if I'm in a bad mood or I'm busy and I get six of these, then when I finally talk to him, I'm furious. And that's not fun for either of us. Six of them in what stretch of time? Like six in like four hours, five hours. And at no point in this run, Hector, did you ask her or give her some indication of what

it was you were contacting her about? Molly can correct me if I'm wrong, but the sequence usually is. Oh, I'm sure she will. Yeah, she doesn't need much prompting. The sequence begins, you know, so I think I start out with either the emoji or the forward slashes or the highs, and that's just regular, you know, normal friend outreach. That's just me reaching out to her.

Wait, wait, wait, so that and then wait wait wait wait wait wait wait what are the three forward slashes how is that regular what is that does that indicate something can i look that up on urban dictionary i uh i it it's it's just a it's just a friendly you know it's a pure hectorism did you make you make it up? I don't, I don't, I don't know. I just, uh, well, that's just how I greet her. Boy, oh boy. Let me tell you something. If you enter three forward slashes into the search bar in Google Chrome, which is the

browser I happen to be using at this moment, if you get something really weird and interesting, what is going on here? What am I looking at? Global thermonuclear war sure i'll click it whoops i do want to play a game oh no it seems to be it seems to be an index of my computer it's an index of some computer hector what have you done is this how you've been spying on me molly here's what we're gonna do here's what we're gonna do first i've got the spy cams up in his house so i can guess the cultural reference and then at some point hector you're just gonna you just you just uh you just faint you just uh not don't fall asleep faint but f-eI-N-T. Just make up a whole bunch of nonsense about how you don't understand simple English just to throw him off his game.

And then I'm going to claim that you sent me three forward slashes of text. This will be so weird that he's going to put it into his search bar. That will tap into his computer and give him a weird index of some computer that isn't his. And then he'll click on something, and then we'll just start stealing all of his money. Is that what's going on here? Is this some weird phishing scam? If so, I have to tell you, your salutation was delightful.

But the body of your message is really mean. Where were we? Oh, yeah. Where did you come up with this three forward slash business, Hector? Well, I actually I think it's something that I have. Yeah. Some friends and friends of mine and I usually just send each other the forward slash via text or chat window. And it usually just means a sort of a friendly opening gambit statement. just means a sort of a friendly opening gambit statement and then i guess i i kind of transfer that to my friendship with molly and she seems to understand it uh so i guess it might be something that has tapped into something bigger than than i thought wait a friendly opening gambit

what are you, Bobby Fisher? All right, let me just say... It seems that I've tapped into something larger than I thought. Forward slash, forward slash, forward slash, send. Let's see how Molly counters this one. Oh, the classic Mollylly defense a question mark i will counter now with three more forward slashes of mystery uh well it's interesting that you should have i mean you know it what you're saying actor i appreciate or i hope you appreciate makes sense because three forward slashes is one extra character than simply

saying hi although you do have to move your thumb i wonder but i will tell you aside from my weird experience of putting it into the Google search bar and discovering a hidden directory of a secret computer, I did look it up on our dictionary. And in fact, it is according to user submitter Scion from August 9, 2004. It is a derogatory reference to female anatomy.

So let me just say an etiquette foul on your part hector molly yes after hector has sent you three or four emojis and put you in a bad mood then you will respond and he will ask you a question such as does this deadline apply to me or have i phrased this correctly or what is there something else that happens i mean that's like a recurring theme definitely um he he asked my advice on all kinds of things really give me some more examples oh gosh uh he sometimes has questions about the people in his program like just are these people human or robots pretty sure they're human no i thought that might be a question he might ask um he has questions about like how to i don't know i don't know if these people are human or robots.

I sent them the three slashes and they have not replied. Yeah. Uh-huh. Go on. What kind of questions does he ask about people in his program? Oh, I mean, like, they're sort of, they're like gossipy friend questions. Just like, this guy is annoying me. Like, what should I do about it?

Or am I being crazy about this particular interaction or whatever? I don't really mind that so much because I feel like that is more like within my purview as his friend. And I find those questions interesting because they're kind of gossipy. Sure. I really would like to know more about it. Hector, stand by. I want you to think about the friends you don't like and, and, and tell me some of the ways they bother you.

Are you worried that you're bothering them? Hang on for that. You develop some specific answers to the question. Go on Molly. We'll do, we'll do. Yeah. So I think it's, it's really more the manner he gets in touch because then if it, if he catches me at a particularly bad time and then I'm in a crappy mood and we talk, then the whole conversation is me like trying to explain to him why I don't like what he's doing. And he doesn't like that. And I don't like being that person.

And it just ends up being like we don't get to like what he want to talk about. It's not a fun conversation. I'm just angry. So it just like kind of ruins our interaction so do i understand correctly that um the transaction it once hector is sent in the three slashes as far as his he's concerned the transaction is not complete until you speak voice to voice right or like a lengthy chat conversation in text or something like that and and if you don't get back to him within a quick period of time he will just keep nudging you and nudging you yes he all

to his credit he has done this where he sent a question um once but, the question was, is vocal fry real? And he sent it to me. Let me see. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10 times over the space of three days. Can I suggest a response if he ever sends that question to you again? Uh-huh. Just be like no yeah exactly and i think at one point i told him like i'm up north with my family i don't have service and then he just sent it four more times what hector were you retyping the question over and over again or were you cutting and pasting this? I think I actually may have typed it again every single time.

Do you not appreciate how annoying that is? In my defense, I was seeking to be annoying that time. The other times I was... Well, no, because that was an exceptional case. That was me trying to be annoying. I'd much rather he say, yeah, I was trying to annoy you, than say, I don't see how that's annoying. And also, I don't see why humans are human. So you wouldn't say that this falls into that old chestnut, knowledge of the law is no defense?

Why were you trying to annoy your friend? She's lumping a lot of interactions under the same umbrella. The is vocal fry reel was a question that I was not seeking the answer to, that I just wanted to. Well, it's a good thing you asked it. That I was just seeking to make an annoying sound on her chat window with. Seeking to make an annoying sound on her chat window with. But that's part of the way that friends annoy each other. I think other times, the other kinds of repetition are either because I don't think she's received the message or maybe she's forgotten to see the message. And I think those are things that people do when they send each other texts pretty frequently, actually.

And what would you have me rule, should I find in your favor, with regard to Hector's behavior? Well, I think it's unrealistic to believe that he would stop doing this entirely. Why? Do you think he is a victim of compulsion? A little bit, I suppose. Yeah. I think, I don't know. I think it probably gives him some relief to know that he is reaching out to me. Why do you think he needs that contact?

If he's in a moment where something is worrying him or he's stressed out about something and he wants advice from someone me in particular then it I think it probably does alleviate like some anxiety to feel like he has done the first step to getting what he needs I'll get back to my question in a second, Molly, but Hector, is Molly the only person that you do this with? She's not the only person. But she's probably, of my friends, the one that I seek the most advice from, to be quite honest.

And what advice do you give her? What is the subject of your advice to her? What are your areas of expertise, if not professional? the subject of your advice to her? What are your areas of expertise, if not professional? Well, I mean, I'd say that this is sort of a complementary aspect of our friendship, is that she, you know,

I give her more of the interpersonal advice. Molly, do you value Hector's advice? Absolutely. When you need his advice, how do you approach him? Usually, I wait until we get a chance to. I just send him nine ampersands.

Why? Yeah. No, usually I tend to. Well, I tend to wait till we're actually talking and then ask a question that I have on my mind or else I will like send him a text that says hey I need to talk to you about something related to blah blah blah that sounds really good Hector is that true yeah all right when you guys knew each other personally interpret like one-on-one was it much easier Hector for you to get advice and help from Molly like when you're living together in St. Paul or not living together necessarily

but this isn't a romantic relationship I gather. No. Well easy Molly. Message received. Hector I hope you caught that. I hope you didn't misinterpret that tone. Was there a golden age where you and Molly Hector could just talk and talk and talk and get all this out that you miss?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, I think when we're face to face, you know, this doesn't happen. Right. And I just have five more quick questions for you, Hector. Is vocal fry real? No. Is vocal fry real? Is vocal fry real? Is vocal fry real? Is vocal fry real is vocal fry real

why aren't you answering me hector yeah oh triple slash triple slash i've heard everything i need to hear in order to make my decision i'm going into my chambers to look through my dictionary of emojis, and I'll be back in a moment to render my decision. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Molly, how are you feeling about your chances of prevailing in this case? I'm feeling pretty good. Hector, what are you doing?

What are you doing with your life? What's going on? Nothing? Not even forward slash, forward slash, forward slash. Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about this when we come back in just a minute. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join.

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Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. You may be seated. Hector, one thing is true. You need advice.

That's established. You need advice in a lot of areas. And not least of which is internet and electronic communication etiquette but even just face-to-face etiquette jesse thorn you you ask a lot of questions and you answer too few i heard through the chamber doors just what's going on with your life just dead silence so i'm ordering you to answer that question. Is everything okay, Hector? Yeah, no, everything's fine.

Are you good? Yep. Because you read in your frequent requests for Molly's attention as somebody who is maybe in a little bit of trouble, alone in Belgium, not able to interpret what the robots are saying. You're okay, right? No, yeah, I'm fine. Okay. Are you lonely out there? Nah, I've got friends. Okay, good. I want you to be good. With regard to texting, you're doing it wrong. Okay. You're harassing Molly with your texts. And texting is still a relatively new area in our electronic communications.

And we're still testing out the boundaries of what is okay and what is not okay. And we've discussed this on the podcast a little bit before. The thing about texting that is so wonderful is that it is intimate and spontaneous. The thing about texting that is so awful is that it is intrusive in that there is currently, and I think baked into the system, an expectation that when you receive a text, it is now your obligation to respond as quickly as possible. And it has given some people who are on anxious jags like you, Hector, the perceived right to keep texting until they get that immediate answer. But this is a violation of human rights. Just because you had the smart idea to contact someone

doesn't mean they are forced to respond to you on a time frame of your choosing. If and especially you're asking a favor, the favor of advice, all the more reason to be patient and gracious and to state your business plainly and to wait patiently for the substantive response that you hope for, but do not deserve. We've mentioned it on the podcast before. It bears repeating. I wish I had put it on the settled law poster slash t-shirt slash tea towel. But among the various items of settled law, including people like what they like,

one that I would add now is the fact that despite what your parents always told you, it always hurts to ask. Even if you are asking a friend, a dear friend for advice, a friend who wants to help you, you are still asking for their time and their consideration. You're asking them to take up their time for your life. And if you do it too often, that is not a terrible pain to incur upon that person, but it does cause them time, stress, attention, and it does hurt your relationship a little bit. Relationships exist on give and take. Do you see what I mean? And if you're asking too much or too often or in the wrong way, those little hurts will gradually erode that friendship a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more,

until you get to a point where maybe the friendship isn't what you wanted it to be anymore. If you are creating digital communication in the professional world in this way, that is nudgy or harassing, and I'm not saying you are, but if you are, then that will have real world consequences. I think Molly would tell you so if she could get over her fury at the many emoticons she has to wade through

before you finally get to your question. As far as your email etiquette goes, I'm still befuddled as to what you could not interpret in that form letter from the philosophy program. I'm sorry you didn't get into it. I'm sorry the robots hurt you. But the truth is there isn't a lot of mystery to how to compose email or text for that matter.

Bear in mind the person that you are sending the message to. bear in mind the person that you are sending the message to. Consider how much of their time you are willing to take. Consider your relationship to them and how close you are. Consider what it is you want to ask or are requesting from the communication. And then politely say what you want and get out. This is not just a message for you, Hector, but to all of my fine and favored correspondents in the world who read my three books of complete world knowledge, books I admit are extremely

verbose and full of extra words where they are not needed for comic effect. And when they write to me to ask me for something, they think I will be amused to read five paragraphs of fake John Hodgman language. And those people I say, I love you. And I read the thing. And then I, I finally answer, but I will always be more inclined to think kindly of someone who clearly is respecting the fact that I'm getting a lot of emails, that I have a lot of calls on my attention, and will get in, ask a thing politely, and get out. And that's all you need to do, Hector, in your life. Don't blame the robots for not buttering you up.

They're just saying what they need to say. And getting out. And so with this in mind, I'm going to respond to Molly's requests. First of all, that Hector acknowledge that his digital poking is a stressor in your life. Molly, Hector may or may not understand that his behavior stresses you out. All you can do in friendship is say, this stresses me out, and hope that he believes you are a human being who is telling the truth. And you will know, I'm not going to force him to say it out loud, And you will know, I'm not going to force him to say it out loud, because in the immortal tagline of the movie Megaforce, deeds, not words.

You will know that he acknowledges and respects the stress in your life by if going forward, he stresses you out less. And if he doesn't, no matter what he says, he doesn't get it. I think Hector gets it though. In terms of reducing the number of text messages he sends you, if you're not replying right away, you ask that I establish that a non-reply means you are busy and you will get back to him when you are available. I do and will order Hector to reduce the number of texts. You have heard me basically outline what I order Hector you to do in future when you want to contact Molly. You need to be plain what your intent is and state your request

politely. And if she is busy, you will be patient until she replies. However, Molly, a non-reply cannot connote that you are busy. A non-reply is simply a non-reply. As far as Hector knows, cannot connote that you are busy a non-reply is simply a non-reply as far as hector knows way out there in the wilderness of belgium you may have fallen down a ravine and or hate him so it is i think it is reasonable to establish a simple code that will mean between the two of you message received I will get back to you as soon as I can. And that code, of course, shall be slash, slash, slash. When you get that code back, Hector, that means sit tight. No more emoticons.

Hector, if you decide that you want to tease your friend Molly and annoy her, you must always ask, is vocal fry real? Oh, God. If you see that question, Molly, then you need not reply at all. No number of slashes are required. That just means Hector is wasting your time. But if Hector is vocal fry reeling you in any way, you should feel that it is okay to go into your settings and set him for do not disturb.

Your phone will not beep or vibrate in any way the messages will come through but it won't distract you and at that point you can send back to him a text uh uh i would say just say to him back is vocal fry just say vocal fry is real if you say vocal fry is real then that means i have muted you for the foreseeable future until you start behaving yourself all right and i think if you guys practice this then things will normalize and if they do not then robots have taken over the earth i do My immediate summary judgment stands, I find, in favor of the plaintiff, Molly. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Molly, how do you feel about the

verdict? Oh, I feel wonderful. That's exactly what I wanted. Hector, are you ready to talk? Oh, I feel wonderful. That's exactly what I wanted. Hector, are you ready to talk? Yep. How do you feel? I, uh, you know what? I agree.

Oh my God. I wasn't expecting to win anyway. And, uh, and I've lost. So everything happened exactly as I thought it would happen. You know what, Hector? Y'all are still young people. And you're playing college age games with each other. You know what, Hector? Y'all are still young people. And you're playing college-age games with each other. You know what I mean?

Like bugging people, being annoying. That's how young people get along together. But now you're grown-ups. You gotta respect each other's time. And you gotta be nicer to each other and not just bother them with weird questions in the middle of the night. I'm just saying that because I wish someone would text me, is vocal fry real? I'm glad everyone's on the same page.

Thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Is vocal fry real? Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you, and remember, no running in the halls. running in the halls.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I

It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ugh! We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself.

A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Hey, Judge Hodgman, slash, slash, slash. Oh, what an interesting opening gambit. I'd like to talk to you. Let me get back to you right away.

Oh, Jesse Thorne, slash, slash, slash. Hey, Judge Hodgman, before we go this week, I would like to uh i would like to plug something for once let me let me ask you a question before you plug i know you want to get your plug in but i have a serious and sincere question what's that are you having any pop-up shops soon yeah i am i'm glad you asked we can just skip my plug. Oh, okay. But I will answer your sincere question. Thank you. Are you hosting any menswear pop-up shops at Maximum Fun HQ?

Oh, not just menswear. Menswear and accessories. Oh. So I think people know that I run the menswear blog, Put This On. It's why I'm sometimes consulted on menswear-related questions. We have a shop at PutThisOnshop.com, that sells pocket squares as well as scarves and a lot of what you might call vintage accessories and notions. So let me tell you, I am looking at this shop.

It's spectacular stuff. And you know what's always the hardest thing to buy come holiday time? Gifts for dudes? Gifts for a special kind of dudes. Dudes called dads. Yep. And I just realized, looking at this thing, and I'm embarrassed to admit this is the first time I've navigated to the PutThisOnShop.com, And I'm embarrassed to admit this is the first time I've navigated to the putthisonshop.com.

But I got my dad dude gifts covered probably for the next four years. There we go. This is awesome. The stuff that we got. A tiny metal rooster figurine. Oh, sold out. Sorry. Shouldn't have said anything.

Vintage Men of America 1929 booklet box set. Miniature burgundy shoes. We have a lot of miniature shoes right now all kinds of beautiful blankets and scarves and and tie pins and uh it's just spectacular spectacular what you have going on here and uh and people at any range of of any price range you'll be able to find something that you like. And my only regret, honestly, Jesse, is that I'm not going to have a chance in the near future to see or handle any of these goods and buy them specifically from you in person in Los Angeles. Too bad such a thing doesn't exist, but I guess there's only so much you can hope for. I've got great news for you, Judge Hodgman.

What's that? I mean, sure, you can go to PutThisOnShop.com, wherever you live live and use the code BATBROTHERS that I created just for Judge John Hodgman listeners and get free shipping anywhere in the United States. But if you want to come see me in person, we are having a pop-up shop here at the MaxFun headquarters in Los Angeles on Saturday, December 12th from 10 to 4. It is going to be a blast. I've also invented a friend who's a vintage clothing dealer who has a lot of beautiful things for men to be a blast. I've also invented a friend who's a vintage clothing dealer who has a lot of beautiful things for men to come join us. And you can come check things out, get special discounts, all live in person. And all the information is at putthison.com.

And you know, if you've never been to MaxFun HQ, I have never had a better time doing the podcast than now. And I'm sitting in a dark, hot booth with Jesse at MaxFun HQ. But not only that, it also has one of the most spectacular views in Los Angeles. They're in the American Cement Building. It's an amazing architectural treasure and an amazing view. And you should just go and check out the view. And then, you know, come for the stick pins. Stay for the view and then, you know, come for the stick pin, stay for the view.

Yeah, exactly. So go to putthisonshop.com and use the code BatBrothers or come buy our sale on Saturday, December 12th. It's really going to be a lot of fun. We'll also have free beer. You know what else is nice about MaxFunHQ? What's that, Judge? Only the nicest people work there, including our producer, whose name?

Julia Smith. Thank God you know it because I forgot. Editor Mark McConville, who occasionally works here. And thanks this week to Topher Lundell. You got it. If you want to name a future episode of Judge John Hodgman,

follow us on Twitter. I am at Jesse Thorne. Judge Hodgman is at Hodgman. You can talk about this show on our special subreddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com, and on Facebook, where you can join the Maximum Fun group, which is very lively and very fun. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO and submit it there. Maximumfund.org slash JJHO. That is the place to bring it. No case too big or too small.

We consider them all. Going Deep with David Reese, Wednesday nights on the Esquire Network, 10 p.m. DVR it. If you don't like it, you're not my friend. A thousand thank yous to David Reese for filling in for me while I was on break. I have been watching season two of his show, and I have been loving it. I really loved the paper mache dog that he apparently made in his kitchen, Dingo D. Dogglesworth, which he used to learn how to pet dogs,

despite the fact that he was uncomfortable with dogs because one attacked him once. Look, if you don't like it, you're still my friend. I don't understand you, but you're still my friend. Still,

it's a great show to watch with kids of all ages and adults of all ages. And if you want to do me a favor, DVR it, and then you just press play and walk away the next day. Just, just get, just get your vote in. You got it.

All right. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I will talk to you next time. Just get your vote in. You got it. All right. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I will talk to you next time. Goodbye.