Judge John Hodgman - Thanks, But No Pranks

Episode Date: December 7, 2012

Patrick and Wyatt are housemates, and their shared house was caught up in a prank war. Neighbors from each house on their street pulled pranks on one another until one final act put Wyatt over the edge -- and he took to social media to put a stop to the practical jokes. Patrick thinks Wyatt overreacted, and wants to rev up the prank war again.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, thanks but no pranks. Patrick and Wyatt are housemates and their shared house was caught up in a prank war. Neighbors from each house on their street pulled pranks on one another until one final act put Wyatt over the edge. And he took to social media to put a stop to the practical jokes. the edge, and he took to social media to put a stop to the practical jokes. Patrick thinks Wyatt overreacted and alienated their housemates in a small community. Who's right and who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. We walked all over San Francisco with our tape recorder. We loved to go into funeral parlors and make appointments to see the mortician.

We'd spin out this tale that Jim had had an unhappy life. Things hadn't really worked out well. He felt that if he could have a complete funeral service, the ceremony in the chapel, the burial, and then we dug him out of the ground, he could begin life again. It would be like a renewal experience. We asked what they would charge for this service. Of course, we would always steam ahead in describing what we wanted because we love to spin out this fantasy. And we always found that these guys were so straight. Like we'd tell them there would only be a few friends present, but there would also be a few animals in attendance. And then we'd stop and wait for them to ask, what kind of animals? And Jim and I would always compete for the more rarefied species.

There would always be one Wolverine. Jesse, swear them in. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. Yes, me too. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that the only prank

he's ever participated in is the time he disassembled the Popemobile and reassembled it one piece at a time on the roof of the Vatican? Yes, I swear. Very well. Judge Hodgman? Thank you, Bailiff Jesse. You may be seated. Patrick and Wyatt, for an immediate summary judgment, can either one of you name the specific

piece of culture that I paraphrased as I entered the courtroom? I cannot. No. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, can you name it? the specific piece of culture that I paraphrased as I entered the courtroom? I cannot know. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, can you name it? That sounded like my good friend Mal Sharp of Coyle and Sharp describing their man-on-the-street put-ons in the 1960s. The famous prankster Mal Sharp interviewed in the famous book on pranks, Pranks! Exclamation point.

By research. Oh, Bailiff Jesse, immediate summary judgment in your favor, sir. Well, thanks very much for joining us, guys. We're going to call it quits now. I won for once. No, you guys have a fight with each other over pranks. Who brings this

complaint before this court? I do. And who are you? This is Patrick. Hello, Patrick. Or is it actually Wyatt and you're playing a joke on me? No, it's Patrick. Maybe you're just one dude with a ventriloquist dummy in a basement somewhere. I'm Wyatt. You sound the same.

Patrick, what is the problem? Okay, so some of our neighbors started a prank war and, and, uh, pranked a different house. But then later on the internet, they included us, said, you know, we're doing this prank war. So we got in and me and my other roommate, Brandon, and our, and one of our other neighbors got into it. We're pranking two other houses regularly doing it. I mean, we were doing it almost every day for about a week hoping that they would retaliate. Finally, they did. Oh, go ahead. Let me just stop you there because you're saying we all started a prank war and you're presuming that everyone in the world knows what a prank war is. But let me just explain to you that not everyone is a college student. So what is a prank – what does the prank war mean? You started a prank war with – first of all, what is your age?

23. OK. 23. You're no longer a college student but you're living life as a college student because you're 23 years old. That's what you do. And where do you live? Athens, Georgia. In Athens, Georgia?

A college town. Did you go to college there? I did not. OK. Well, what's going on? Do you like music? Yeah. I'm a musician. You're a musician.

All right. So you didn't go to college at all? No. All right. And Wyatt, is your roommate or a neighbor? What is the relationship between the two of you? He's a roommate. All right.

And so you live in a house in Athens, Georgia, where living is easy and REM is on the stereo and everyone's got plenty of time to play guitars and have prank wars with each other, right? Yeah. And therefore, you decided to have a prank war with another house. Is that right? There are four houses involved altogether. OK. So everyone's got time on their hands.

And did you initiate the war? I did not. Our neighbor Derek did. And what was the initiating prank? Yeah, he scraped up a huge ball of dog hair and put it in a neighbor's mailbox. But not your mailbox. Not ours. So you just got prank blowback off of this and decided to jump in?

They invited us in. It was kind of the shot heard around the world. They put a whole thing out on the internet, and we all got involved. So after the hairball heard around the world, you got involved how? What did you do to retaliate? Oh, good. We hit one of our neighbor's houses, and we started off, we put flour all over a girl's car. All right.

Yeah. It's referred to as antiquing. Excuse me? It's referred to as antiquing is the slang term for it. In what subculture is flowering someone's car so prevalent that they've determined that there's a slang word for it called antiquing. Well, I mean, you have to distinguish it from cornstarching someone's car. No, I understand. That's called a dusting.

I think it's from Jackass, actually, or like one of those videotapes those people were doing. And why is it called antiquing? I guess because it makes it look old, like it's dusty. Makes the car look old and dusty. All right. Coming from film and television, I would say use a little Fuller's Earth. That's the way to really antique a thing.

All right. So you antiqued this poor girl's car. What kind of car? It was a pickup truck. Weirdly, it was a Model T. What? No, it was just an old pickup truck. Weirdly, it was a Model T. What? No, it was just an old pickup truck. Okay.

And why did you pick on her? Was she in the house that hairballed you? No, she was in the house that got hairballed, but they're the ones who posted saying that Prank War is on and then included us by name. This is total Prank War chaos? Yeah, pretty much. That's not even that's not even retaliation someone hairballed this poor girl then you decide you're gonna antique her car have you have you been hit at all are you just a sniper picking targets of opportunity we had not been hit at this time but our neighbor who did the initial hairball got involved with us

so all of us were pretty much we're pranking this one girl and then one other neighbor over and over waiting for retaliation. Was your goal a preemptive strike in order to create shock and awe? Essentially. Did you claim responsibility for the antiquing of her pickup truck? Oh, yeah. All right. And have you been hit since? Because God knows you deserve it.

We finally got hit back. They put baby oil and glitter on our porch so that baby oil would make it harder to clean the glitter off. It's one of the many uses of baby oil, actually. It makes it hard to clean glitter off. But then Wyatt got upset about it. I couldn't clean it up because I was late for work. But I was planning to clean it up as soon as I got home. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute, sir. Wait a minute. Are you telling me you have a job? I do have a job. Because, listen, you do not fit the profile. I have two jobs. What are your two jobs? I work at a bike shop and a vegetarian restaurant.

Oh, wow. Now it makes sense. Now I got it. Right. Okay. Wyatt, may I presume you work in a used vinyl record store? I wish. And also a dispensary?

A college textbook store. Uh-huh. Okay. And what is your age? I'm also 23. Did you go to college? I went to college for a year and dropped out. Are you a musician in Athens as well?

I am. Me and Patrick live together because we're in a band together. Patrick and I live together because you were in a band together? Me and Patrick. No, I'm putting my foot down. I am obviously not in a band with him, but nor is me and Patrick. Patrick and I. Thank you.

Judge Hodgman, we is all of a band together. Don't you get started. I hear you saying me and Jordan do stuff all the time. Me and Jordan do do stuff all the time. You just said do do. I just pranked you into saying do do, everybody. Burn. I'm sorry.

I just got to put my foot down on that. I'm tired. This me and thing is getting very, very common. And language is a living thing. And pretty soon, it's no longer even going to be a rule that you have to say, Jordan and I do do, do do all the time. Yeah. And where would we be without those rules? Well, I know. I'll tell you where me and Jordan would be. Once that rule goes away, that's one less opportunity for me to be an annoying pet ant.

So, all right, Wyatt, you and Patrick are in a band together. Yes. And you have gone on this podcast to buzz market your band. There is no prank war that's actually happening. This is the prank. Yeah. No, there is definitely a prank war that happened. All right.

Then, since I believe you, tell me quickly the name of your band. Our band is called Werewolves. Werewolves. That's a good band name. That is a really good band name. How could there not have been a Werewolves before? There are several Werewolves, but all of them, all the other ones have stopped playing now. Now, your band sounds-

They're like the last remaining one. Right. Your band sounds cool. now. We're like the last remaining one. Right. Your band sounds cool. If your band were a really twee indie band, it would be called There Are Several Werewolves. That would be the name of the band.

But since you're cool, it's just called Werewolves. We actually are kind of a twee indie band. Because of these werewolves, the werewolves in London had to change their band name to Werewolves UK. Originally, when we went on tour to distinguish ourselves, we would put werewolves y'all on all of our stuff because we're from Georgia.

Yeah, werewolves y'all. I like that a lot. Oh, thank you. What kind of music do you play? Prank music? We are typically described as indie pop or folk punk. Okay. So funk, funk, funk music. Yeah. Funk music. Okay. So funk. Funk.

Funk. Yeah. Funk music. Yeah. All right. Do you usually tour with other lycanthropic acts? No. No.

Jesse, they didn't go to college. They don't know what you're talking about. Sorry. I know what lycanthropy means. I played Dungeons and Dragons a lot, so I remember what that word means. Now, are the people in these other houses with the prank war, are they in different bands? Is this an inter-band? Yes, they're all in bands.

Boy, oh boy. Life is easy in Athens, Georgia, isn't it? Yeah, it's awesome. So, okay. So have you been hit? Has House Werewolf been hit? Yeah, we got hit with the glitter and the baby oil. And then what happened was Wyatt got upset and went online and posted that next time someone pranks us, he's going to throw a brick through their window.

Whoa, Wyatt. So then that basically meant prank war is off. Wow. Because Wyatt does not make idle threats, I take it? I guess not. Most of my threats are idle, though. I don't really, I don't think I've ever. I think you could probably be arrested just for putting that on the internet.

Wyatt, what was the problem with the baby, like, describe to me the baby glitter, or the baby glitter. The baby oil and the glitter. What was the problem? I had gotten up and there was glitter and baby oil at all the entrances and exits to the house. So by going outside, I had been like tracking it in the house and stuff. And then I ended up cleaning it up. And I got on Facebook and – Please don't say that.

Oh, sorry. You can bleep that. on a social media platform and alerted all the friends and stuff that were participating in the prank war that I wasn't playing and that I jokingly said that my prank and retaliation

would be, I didn't say anything about throwing a brick actually, I just said breaking windows and then everyone stopped doing pranks after that. You guys both have to admit that breaking windows is a pretty funny prank. I don't know if I'm allowed to

pontificate in my defense, but I feel like it's worth pointing out that the people I tagged and was responding to are people that I've known for a long time and realized that I obviously would not actually break anyone's windows. And my interpretation of it, and I realize that it kind of sounds bad

now that we're talking about it this way, but I was trying to be da-da and overreact in a way, but insist that I wasn't over, like my, my, my thing was that I kept insisting that it was a prank and that I was playing the prank war. So I, your argument, your argument is, your argument is saying, you know, I'm playing the prank war to win. And then I said, obviously I'm winning the prank war because everyone's so afraid of my prank that they aren't doing pranks anymore. So I was doing a social performance that I meant to be a commentary on the concept of a prank war. Oh, Wyatt. Do you want to lose this case?

I'm happy to be on a show either way. Because, you know, when you said, can I pontificate, there's nothing I like more than a 23-year-old taking a righteous stance on something. But then you had to start referencing Dadaism, and I don't know if I can stand for that. As soon as he said he was going to take a righteous stance, I was crossing my fingers like, ooh, I hope it's about the nature of art. I mean, a prank war is a prank war, but now you're trying to convince me that this is all some kind of prolonged performance art piece. Is that what you're trying to say? That your threat of physical harm to your friend's property was actually – was not a threat, was not just you going full werewolf but was in fact a considered meta prank of

its own? Is that what you're trying to say? Yeah, I guess. OK. OK. And so prank war, Patrick Patrick is not going on anymore? No, it's not. Because you're all terrified of why it was done.

Because of that. I mean, it was that killed it. It was basically if someone had a problem with the prank war, it's over. He was the first one who had a problem and kind of spoiled everyone's fun. Look, I haven't been in a lot of prank wars, but I would think the whole point is to prank until someone says, come on, guys, stop it. And then you double down and double prank that person. That's when you throw a bag over someone's head and drive them to the country. I think they're afraid of the window getting smashed.

Is Wyatt – now, Patrick, can I talk to you privately? Do you need help? Is Wyatt an abusive person? No, he's not abusive. And the thing is, everyone knows him and knows he's not actually going to break a window. But it definitely was a serious kind of swipe to the prank war. What instrument do you play in your band, Wyatt? Me? Oh, I play the banjo.

You're definitely not going to be breaking any windows then, that's for sure. If you told me you were the bass player, then I would say, Patrick, move out immediately. So if Prank War is over, what do you need me to rule on here? Who won? No, I want to – I would like to continue the Prank War without fear of Wyatt getting upset and making threats or anything like that. I'd like – the the prank war was fun. I want to see it keep going. And do you feel that your your neighbors are in agreement?

Oh, yeah. I mean, we still like if we go out and we see anyone, we still talk about it and reminisce. Reminisce. All right. Because you're 23 years old. You can reminisce over things that happened two weeks ago. But let me ask you this. Do you have a great prank planned?

Oh, yeah. I mean, after we got the glitter on our porch, I even, I went to work and on the way home stopped at a craft store and bought even more glitter. And I was going to hit them back twice as hard. But then I come home and find that the prank war is over. Wait a minute. So your answer to glitter was double glitter? Double glitter.

And I have it. I still have it all. It's just sitting there in bags. Boo, boo, boo. Excuse me, Bailiff Jesse. I will have order. Shut your boo hole. Double glitter. You're going to have to sell me on it. Because right now, prank war involves basically putting substances onto or into other substances. Do you know what I'm saying? Well, some of our pranks are pretty good.

There was one where we wrapped a girl's car completely in saran wrap several times so you couldn't open the doors. Was it saran wrap or press and seal? I don't even know. Probably just cling wrap. Wow. The press and seal would have been more expensive, but I like it better. Go on.

Yeah, I would have. And then we put Crisco under doorknobs and on door handles, toilet papering trees, just classics. Oh, by the way, who cleans up the toilet paper in the trees? Squirrels. Yeah. What? Birds make mess out of them?

Squirrels clean it up. They make mess, yeah. That's their house. Is that true? Squirrels live in trees, yeah. But I mean, if you TP someone's house or trees,

does that just stick around? Because this is a college town. Does that just stick around for five months looking terrible? No, they cleaned it up. Who cleaned it up? The squirrels?

Yeah. The people who live there. I'm not asking you, Jesse. I'm asking Patrick. Squirrels aren't technically people, but you're right, yes. So TPing, Criscoing,coing glittering i gotta say so far the only thing the most imagination i've i feel has gone into this prank war was giant hairball and then maybe combining glitter and baby oil two pedestrian planks combined into one slightly less pedestrian prank.

Oh yeah, I mean, most of these pranks were it wasn't like we spent a lot of time planning. It would usually be sitting on the porch at two or three in the morning and then just, oh, let's go prank them and then pick up whatever you had in the house. I'm going to tell you right now, Patrick, you're going to have to really sell me on a good prank if I'm going to find it in your favor. And I'm not saying I will find it in your favor,

but I want you to now go to the other side of the room. And I want you to spend a couple minutes just coming up with a good prank. A good prank. All right. And don't just look around your house. And just because your house is full of glitter and baby oil, say that's what the prank should be. It's not just – some kind of prank that is not just pouring or smearing. OK?

All right. All right. be. It's not just some kind of prank that is not just pouring or smearing. Okay? Alright. Alright. Wyatt, how are you going to feel if this prank war gets going again? I'd be excited. I mean, I have... Wait a minute, who am I speaking to? We had a lot more. This is Patrick. Patrick, go. Why are you talking to me? You're supposed to be thinking about things you can disassemble and reassemble on a roof. Go, go,

go brainstorm up a prank. Do some blue sky pranking. Okay. I'm talking to Wyatt only now. Is that... No, Wyatt, are you still there? Yeah. Alright. Patrick, you go and think of a prank. Wyatt, you want the prank war to stop, right?

Yes. Wait a minute, are you just one guy? Is this the prank? Wait, oh, is Patrick supposed to go? Yeah. Into another room? Yeah, that, is Patrick supposed to go? Yeah. Into another room? Yeah, that's why Judge Hodgman said like four or five times that he should go think of a prank.

Okay. Who am I speaking to now? Wyatt. Are you sure? Go, to another room. I can't get him to leave. Oh, really? Okay.

Okay, it's just me now. So Wyatt, if he comes back with a really good prank, I think you can tell that I am inclined to allow this prank war to go forward. That he will get authorization of force from the entire UN Prank Council. Okay. From all the permanent members and non-permanent members. Right. Why are a bunch of simple pranks worse than you throwing a brick through someone's window? Well, I mean, it's not that they're worse, but my general feeling on Prank Wars is that the concept from the get-go is,

did go is like my conception of what's fun is what activity generally increases like the kind of like happiness or feel goodness of whoever's around right well you're a banjo player you would but in a prank war the whole point is like you know my enjoyment of a prank the successfulness of a prank kind of depends on making something not fun like a mess for someone to clean up or something like that, or maybe damaging something of somebody's. So I feel like in general, just, uh, you know, from the outset, the, the, the, the concept of a prank war is a ill conceived and generally leads to like, as you said, like every prank war, I feel like it's like, let's start a prank war. Well, the way, you know, the way it's going to stop is eventually one of your friends getting way too mad at you.

So my idea was to head it off at the pass by being extra crazy in a theatrical way, enough to kind of make myself look stupid, but at the same time illustrate this point of that crazy guy who gets... Because I was doing it as if I was... No, no, no. First of all, I understand. I was participating in the prank war. First of all, I understand that you believe that you were doing some kind of weird meta-prank. But threatening violence on Facebook is not a prank. That actually might be a felony.

And second, next time, you don't have to say successfulness. You can just say success. But third, I do think that your heart is in the right place because a prank war is a war of mutually assured destruction. I mean it is only an escalatory war and will end with good feelings turning to bad feelings. So I do see, I do think that your argument is a good one. You don't need to undermine it with a bunch of Dadaist pretension, okay? Is Patrick ready yet? Did he come back with his prank? Yeah, he's ready.

I got my prank and I forgot there was one I played where I did an advertisement for a lightly used breast pump and put it on Craigslist and included one of the prank participants' phone numbers. And she got a bunch of phone calls and emails. All right. That's pretty good. But my good prank that I just thought of is she has a pickup truck and I was going to fill the back with fake blood and rubber body parts. That does sound like pouring and smearing, but with a chunky aspect of fake body parts.

Yeah, exactly. And now, hang on a second. Is it that all of your female friends have pickup trucks, or is this the same woman? No, it's this one neighbor. Okay. Will you guys just, like, kiss and get it over with? Because I am tired about hearing about your weird crush on this girl.

No, I have a girlfriend. Uh, all right. Uh, all right. I think I know everything I need to make my decision. I'm going to go into my,

uh, chambers and I'll be back in a moment. Wyatt, how are you feeling right now? Pretty okay. I don't know. Patrick. I'm hopeful. I think I got this in the bag.

You know, one great prank I pulled is me and Woody and Norm and Cliff went down to Gary's old-time tavern. Oh, wait a minute. That's just an episode of cheers i saw anyway the moral of the story is these things never end up happy no but they are fun yeah especially when sam's around everything's fun when sam's around well guys we'll see how this turns out please rise as judge john hodgman reenters the courtroom. Oh, hi, it's me. Ira Glass. Nope. I was just wearing an Ira Glass mask. It's just me, Judge John Hodgman. You got me, though. You got me. I had Ira getting here, but it's just you, Judge Hodgman. Yeah. Look, here's the thing. Wyatt is absolutely right. These sorts of prank wars only lead to prank tears and then to real tears.

And if you are going to go down this road, you have to appreciate that people's feelings and property can actually be hurt and that they will be mad at you for a while or you at them. You may lose the prank war. And that's why I say if you're going to do it at all, the pranks have to be pretty good. They have to justify the hurt feelings and hardship that you are going to cause your very good friends. They have to be imaginative. They have to be funny. Even the person who is pranked has to appreciate that something good happened or something creative happened at their expense, at their affectionate expense, and not just that they got a bunch of baby oil and glitter on their truck or whatever. Saran wrapping someone's car, that's pretty good.

I hope there were no dogs inside. Trump is pretty good, although you're having some fun at the expense of some pregnant ladies or new moms who don't have a lot of money, which is never a good position to be in. But Patrick, I gave you a chance to go back and really come up with something that was going to wow me. This would involve, as Jesse said, disassembling and reassembling something. It would involve removing all of the furniture from someone's house and switching it with your furniture. What else would it involve, Jesse? What would have gotten you? Taking the furniture and putting it on the ceiling.

Taking the furniture and gluing it to the ceiling? Nails. You're going to have to use nails. Maybe screws. You might actually need some wall anchors. Hey, how about this? You might actually need some wall anchors. Hey, how about this?

You take a place that didn't used to have no pigs in it, but now there's pigs in there. You're talking about moving pigs into a non-pig area? Absolutely. I like that. No, I actually don't. I know you're just joking around, but terrorizing animals is not a good idea, I don't think. No, it's not a good idea, I don't think. It's not a good idea. Like robot pigs. Yeah.

I mean I think the whole point of a prank war is to amaze someone with your ingenuity such that they do not hate you forever, even though they might be sad for a little while. And then to offer to help clean up would be the thing to do. And unfortunately, I think what you've been doing here is sort of – it's ungentlemanly. It's against the rules of warfare as I recognize them. It's below – it's beneath my contempt and that of this court. So I'm not finding in Wyatt's case because Wyatt is intrinsically correct. I am finding in Wyatt's favor because, Patrick, you need to up your game. And I look forward to – I would revisit this case if you were to appeal by writing into the podcast again with some better ideas or by filling my entire office with cello. Either way, I would know you're ready

to undertake a prank war. But until then, I think you guys should just play your banjo-inflected werewolf rock and enjoy – find some other way to pass your many, many, many, many hours of free time, both at home and at your non-jobs. So this is the sound of a gavel. Judge Sean Hodgman rules. That is all. Wyatt, how are you feeling? Pretty good.

Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I was just happy to be on the show. No, I know you seem really happy. I'm not good at expressing happiness. Patrick, how are you doing? I'm bummed out. I didn't have enough time to think of a good prank. And even the prank war only went on for a week, and I had good ideas, I just don't remember them.

Do you guys want to go on tour with my new band? We're called Drack and the Vamps. Yeah, that sounds awesome. Yes! Yes! Thank you so much for coming on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Thanks.

Hey, Patrick, what do you play in the band? I play drums. Yeah, nice. See, if you say you're going to throw something through the window, people are going to listen. Yeah. All right, good. All right. Good luck, guys. You're listening to Judge

John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org

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Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-A. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org if you need a laugh and you're on the go that was an intense case judge hodgman look at this jesse i can't this. Someone came into my chambers and

vomited all over the place. Look at all these incredibly similar glossy pools of vomit that are about the size of a plastic baggie. Oh, wait a minute. Is this your petrified vomit?

You were wondering why I'd been eating all that glitter. You just got burned, my friend. Well, that means that I have... Well, that means that there should be no problem with me stamping out this brown paper bag full of dog poop that's on fire. Well, here's something that's no prank. We've got a full docket and it needs to be cleared. Let's clear

it. Okay, Daniel writes, I've acted as co-host with several close friends at a pub quiz in Boulder, Colorado for a number of years. I take issue with my fellow hosts on list trivia. I define list trivia as any round that doesn't really need any creativity

or thought put into it. Examples would be an entire round of state birds, celebrities' real names, rounds that are entirely true-false, or other forms of 50-50 guesses. My argument is that we not only sell a trivia night, but that we are selling engagement and entertainment, which is lacking in mere list trivia, I would like the judge to pass judgment on my cohorts to prevent

them from creating list trivia in the future. Well, Jesse, as you know, at many a MaxFunCon, I have co-hosted a trivia evening or afternoon with the sketch group Elephant Larry as my co-host or with the great Charles W. Chuck Bryant of the Stuff You Should Know podcast. And we have a good time. And look, I don't claim to be an expert, but the secret to a good trivia contest, as far as I can tell, is texture. You have a certain amount of questions that are easy. You have a certain amount of questions that are figureoutable through logic. You have a certain amount of questions that are easy. You have a certain amount of questions that are figure-outable through logic.

You have a certain amount of questions that are tricky. And then you have a certain amount of questions that are you just know it or you don't. And the reason all of those are self-explanatory as to why they're fun to answer, but you either know it or you don't questions

are fun because you are playing on a team. And that way, certain people on your team, you take advantage of their individual weird bits of knowledge that they've picked up over the years. So a list trivia where you're going to list state capitals or state birds or whatever. I got to say that's fair game because I would guess that if you're on a team of trivia players, most every one of them is from a state or Canadian province and therefore might have some knowledge about that state and that they can draw on. And that will probably be evenly distributed throughout the entire crowd, for example. And so I think that it's absolutely fair game as long as that is only a part of the overall tapestry of trivia that you are weaving. By the way, Jesse, in what movie did Sally Field say, you really like me?

I guess we're going to have to wait until this next docket is cleared to find out. I'll tell you after the next docket. Everyone write down their answers, unless you're driving, in which case think them really hard. Here's something from Lydia. I'm writing with a note to the recent episode, The Obligatory Name Drop. Judge Hodgman mentioned the origin of the nickname Skip, which can be given to a man named after his paternal grandfather, implying that the name skipped a generation. This is not a request for arbitration, but your last show reminded me of my dad's name and its story in a few ways. My dad's name is Robert Skip Skipworth Comer. Skipworth being

his father's mother's maiden name. There's an interesting story to one of our ancestors named John Skipworth, or Skipwith. In 1879, John got into an argument with a neighbor over a dog. The matter ended up in court, where the neighbor repeatedly called Skipworth a liar, and Skipworth shot the man right there in court and then fled to Roswell, New Mexico. He then practiced medicine under an assumed name, started a new family, and became a cornerstone of the city. I saw that coming. and became a cornerstone of the city. I saw that coming.

In the Name Drop episode, the judge cited a case in which the state denied a felon's proposed name change, saying that they needed his original name to keep track of him. My ancestor Skipworth apparently didn't do anything else naughty about after killing a guy over a dog, then abandoning his family and fabricating a grandiose backstory in his new life. But it still serves the point. As another aside, my dad was called Skippy as a child, and he hated it so much that he never let me and my brother have Skippy brand peanut butter. I didn't try it until college.

The end. So that's just sort of a fun story. All right, Jesse, in which movie did Sally Field say, you really like me? I give up, Judge Hodgman. The answer is she said it in Norma Rae. A lot of people thought she said it in Places in the Heart because it was when she was receiving an Oscar for that movie that she said in front of the world, you like me, you really like me, or words to that effect. But in fact, she was making a callback to her appearance in Norma Rae and was not actually just being a weird narcissist.

No one ever understood that about Sally Field, Jesse. That was one of the best trivia questions I ever got in a pub trivia contest at the Sidecar in Brooklyn. And to me, it is one of the exemplars of good trivia questioning. in a pub trivia contest at the Sidecar in Brooklyn. And to me, it is one of the exemplars of good trivia questioning. You're going to have sort of a surprising twist. It's a tricky one. It's a tricky one.

One where there are two potential answers. I would like to take this opportunity to thank The Cave and our engineer Marcus for hosting us for this podcast. Yes. Quick question. for hosting us for this podcast. Yes. Quick question. What four action figures does Marcus have

in the recording studio at the cave beneath the Cave in the Creek Comedy Club in Long Island City? Jesse, can you name them? You either know this or you don't. Jean-Luc Picard. Correct. Robocop.

Correct. Nightmare Face. Close. And Blue Jeans. Also Correct. Nightmare Face. Close. And Blue Jeans. Also close. Nightmare Face, you are referring to Morpheus the King of Dreams from Neil Gaiman's Sandman series. And Blue Jeans, I believe, is Preacher from the comic book Preacher. Is that correct?

Jesse Custer, absolutely. Okay, there we go. So you got two out of four. What's this guy back here? Is that the Max? That's the Max. Whoa, Jesse. Whoa. That's fantastic. I here? Is that the Max? Oh, Jesse. Whoa.

That's fantastic. I know my liquid television, gentlemen. Well, thank you very much, guest engineer Marcus, for having us by your weird little cave down here. You're welcome. Thanks for coming by.

Thecavecomedyradio.com. That's right. Just cavecomedyradio.com. Cavecomedyradio.com. Just cavecomedyradio.com. So not onlyradio.com. Just cavecomedyradio.com. So not only is there the Cave in the Creek Comedy Club and Mexican restaurant here in Long Island City, but also beneath there is this little room where Marcus lives with his weird toys and his horse skulls and produces Cave Comedy Radio, a podcast network featuring all sorts of shows right that's actually a fully wearable helm up there made out of a horse skull caught

cow jaw bones and a cow pelvis that you can put over your head well I will be sure to come back and see you after civilization collapses and I need to be intimidating to other people ladies

and gentlemen Marcus the bad guy from the movie Dragnet starring Tom Hanks. Pagans forever. Well, that's about all the time we have this week on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows

at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online

at AreasOfMyExpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at Forum.MaximumFun.org and our Facebook group at Facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.