Judge John Hodgman - The Bedding Crasher

Episode Date: December 8, 2011

When is it appropriate to ask to crash at a friend's place? Should the practice be curtailed when one reaches a certain age or level of financial security? Chris and Emily bring this case against their friend Pat.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, the bedding crasher. Chris and Emily bring a case against their friend Pat. Pat has asked to stay at their small home while visiting their area. He says he's willing to sleep on the couch. They say he has a good paying job. They have a small apartment and he shouldn't have put them in the awkward position of turning him down. Is it appropriate to ask to crash on the couch when you could reasonably afford a hotel? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Welcome to the court of deadbeatism. I am your judge, John Hodgman. Will you swear them in? Absolutely.

Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. Certainly, or whatever. You don't get to say or whatever. Guys, I'm going to warn you right now. Bailiff Jesse is especially ornery this week. You might say I'm champing at the bit. I don't have time for that, Jesse. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that he sleeps exclusively in the triangular bedroom jacuzzi at the former home of basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain?

I do. Why, yes. I do. Very well. Judge Hodgman? All right. Who is the complainant in this situation? I believe that's me. I forwarded the case to you. And you are Emily? That is correct.

Hello. What is Pat doing to you? Well, everything is fine right now because Pat is actually living locally. So he is no longer in need of couch surfing. I see. But about a month ago, Pat was in search of housing here for his, I believe, six-month sabbatical at the University of Berkeley. Okay. In California. That is correct. That's great. Is his six-month sabbatical Occupy Wall Street?

Is that what he means by sabbatical? I don't believe so, but Pat should probably confirm that. That sounds like a radical sabbatical. So he was looking for lodging during his six-month sabbatical. You are in the Bay Area. That is correct. Both Chris and I live separately in apartments in San Francisco. You are platonic friends? That is correct.

You all know each other from some other time and place, the three of you? Yes, we've actually been friends for, I think, over 10 years now. It's a long time. And how did you know each other? More like 15. Okay, look, you know what? I don't have an abacus. I'm not doing the math. We know each other through an online community back in Canada, where we're all from. Oh, you're creepy friends. That's right. I prefer non-creepy internet friends.

There's no such thing. What is the online community in Canada? And is it only open to Canadians? No, it is not. There are actually several Americans involved. But it's gone through... It's an online community on the Canadians-only online proprietary national intranet. Yes, it's really exclusive. What was the subject? What was the subject? I'm just going to... I need to know this right now. what was the subject what was this i'm just gonna i need to

know this right now what was the subject of the online community what was the thing that brought you all together programming i guess mounty cosplay former moxie fruvis band member john gomeshi is it a online community dedicated to celebrating the Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage? No, that wasn't big at the time that we became friends. Okay, so you're all computer programmers and you met... Although we have had interesting stories involving pizza, but none involving ordering from the Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage. We've had some wonderful discussions about whether we know each other for 10 or 15 years. I'm sorry, Chris. I'm not mocking you.

Just the whole situation. Listen, you're all computer programmers. You know each other creepily from the Canadian internet. Pat, you still live in Canada? I am now on location in Berkeley. I permanently live in Canada. You are now having your sabbatical, right? That's right.

Yes. You are now permanently in location in a tent in the Berkeley Quad. But okay, so you are from Waterloo, Canada? That's correct. Where is Waterloo, Canada? Waterloo is an hour west of Toronto or the center of the universe, as some people like to call it. Okay. Some Canadian people, I'm sure, do say that.

Chris, you also live in the Bay Area? That's right. In San Francisco. Okay. And did Pat approach you about staying with you as well? Not for the sabbatical. For his trip to find a place to live during the sabbatical. So it was never suggested that Pat was going to stay with either one of you for the entire six months.

That was never the plan? No, that would be clearly unreasonable. And I'm a reasonable guy. Okay, Pat. You're getting a little jumpy now. So just relax. How long, Pat, did you want to stay with either Chris or Emily? I was asking to stay for one night.

For a single night? That's right. One night only. Okay. Who did you approach first, Pat? I approached Chris first. Okay. Chris, Pat approached you about staying in your apartment for one night. Did you allow it? Yes. Except for the problem that I was going to be away for a month during which his stay would have transpired. Let me say that Chris has hosted me in the past.

Okay. Chris, your story sounds confusing. So I'm going to put you aside for a moment. Emily. Yes. Pat approached you about staying for one night in your apartment, I presume? I believe so. Yes. You believe it's an apartment? I believe he wanted to stay at my apartment and not some other place. Okay. Did he ask to stay at your apartment? Yes, he did. Okay. That would be a pretty strong indicator that he wanted to stay in your apartment. Yes. Okay. So we can stipulate. I don't know whether we're doing some weird meta-reality studies. Is that part of your computer programming? Are you talking about quantum states

where he might be in your apartment and not in your apartment at the same time? That's not my area of focus. Okay. What is your area of focus? Search engines. Okay. So he asked to stay focus? Search engines. Okay. So he asked to stay in your apartment and you said what? I said my apartment is really not suitable for guests. You said no.

Why is your apartment not suitable for guests? If you'll consider the exhibit, I submitted a photo of my living room. It is quite small. In fact, it is so small, it does not even fit a couch on which one would surf. Okay, I'm looking at the exhibit now, or I'm trying to find it again. Okay, this is your apartment with the white love seat and the white armchair and the white ottoman? Yes. And the white walls? Yes.

I see. This is like a Canadian insane asylum? I guess it's technically a San Francisco insane asylum. Okay. Yeah. There's a little bit of Canada right here in your home. I see a very nicely furnished room, a nicely furnished living room that does not seem particularly cramped. Not a lot of clutter. The side table's a little cluttered up.

You ought to clear that glass away. But maybe you were trying to dress this up to make a lot of clutter. The side table is a little cluttered up. You ought to clear that glass away. But maybe you were trying to dress this up to make it look like clutter. You've got the ottoman shoved up against the love seat, as though to convince me that you have no space whatsoever to walk around in this place. But it seems fine. Unless this is your only room and you sleep every night on that ottoman. No, in fact, I do not fit on the ottoman. Okay. Is it a one bedroom? It is a one bedroom. That is correct. Okay. And this is your living room? Yes. And Pat wanted to sleep on the love seat? I don't think Pat's ever been to my house. So I don't know that he was aware that it would be a love seat sleeping situation instead of a proper couch sleeping

situation. Yeah, that's correct. You thought she had a proper Canadian couch? That's right. Like the couch I have in my office, in fact, which is perfectly suitable for couch surfing. Oh, well, why didn't you bring it along with you then, Pat? You know, there's a whole story about that couch, and I tried to put it into my house, and it didn't fit. So I don't think it would fit on the plane either. Is your couch actually a king size bed?

My couch is actually a couch and not a bed. You expect everyone to have the same couch as you? What kind of monstrous friend are you? Well, what can I say? I say. So you said that your place is not suitable for guests. Did Pat accept your ruling? Begrudgingly, yes. Really? Begrudgingly? How did he express his begrudge? He did not seem thrilled at the alternative proposed, which was to get a hotel room, provided his fairly handsome salary that he now has. Whoa. Good friends like to judge each other, I guess.

Okay. Pat, why did you begrudge the idea of getting a hotel room? I stay in hotel rooms a lot. And, you know, it's just much less fun to stay in a hotel room than to interact with somebody by surfing on their couch. It's less fun for you? I think it's less fun for everyone involved. I mean, people do stay in my guest room. I see. And I always enjoy that when people stay in my guest room. I see. And I always enjoy that when people stay in my guest room.

I will admit that I do have a guest room in Waterloo. And that does work a bit better than the living room that Emily has. Okay. So you admit that there may not be suitable space for a guest in her apartment. Yeah. I have to say that I wasn't aware when I asked that she actually had a very small living space. Okay. So what was the problem with Chris then?

Chris, you were also approached to house your friend, Canadian Pat, for one night, and you also declined? What was the reasoning there? In his case, I think it was two nights. But I was away for most of the month of October, including the nights which he had asked to couch surf. So if you were going to be away during those two nights, you wouldn't get to enjoy all of the fun times and happy hilarity that Pat would have brought into your life by stealing your apartment space for a period of time.

And nor would he have enjoyed my presence and hilarity and so on. The more relevant point, though, is simply that there would have been no way to let him into the apartment due to the lack of keys. You don't have keys for your own apartment? I always worry about that. I needed those keys. I'm sorry, what was the problem? So I needed those keys while I was traveling.

You needed those keys? They're dual purpose, yes. Are these quantum keys? Possibly. What on earth are you talking about they're dual purpose keys? Point of order. Yes?

I believe that Chris had an extra set of keys that another friend who was in charge of watering his plants or something had in this period, Is that correct? Did you have a spare set of keys, Chris? That is correct, yes. You know, Emily's really gunning for you now.

However, that friend was unfortunately also out of town during the surrounding several days, which meant that unfortunately getting keys to Pat would be very difficult. How would they be difficult? You leave them with Emily. She gives them the keys. Everyone's happy. Chris's friend is not actually someone I interact with regularly.

Have any of you ever met in person before? Yes. Do you know what each other looks like? Yes. Is the problem here that you're afraid that when you see each other in person for the first time, the magic is going to be gone? Chris and I actually work for the same employer, so we see each other quite regularly. All right. So why didn't you just give Emily the keys and then she could let Pat into your apartment and everything solved?

So I was gone for a month. That would have meant that Emily, who does not live near me, would have had to water my plants for a month, which would be imposing a great personal burden on her. You were going away for a month anyway. Who was taking care of your plants? A friend who lives much closer to my place than Emily does. Okay. If you give the keys to Emily, and Emily

gives the keys to Pat for those two nights, and then this third party from your creepy internet club comes and waters the plants, that's immaterial. Pat stays there those two nights. And then this third party from your creepy internet club comes and waters the plants. That's immaterial. Pat stays there for two nights. Every now and then he sees another Canadian person watering the plants, and there you go. So the problem is that his stay would have been in the middle of my departure.

So I would have had to give the keys to this third creepy internet person. No, you could have given the keys to Emily when you... You would then have to give them to Pat, and vice versa, you could have given the keys to Emily when you... You didn't have to give them to Pat and vice versa. You could have given the keys to Emily when you left. She held on to them until Pat arrived. Pat took them, goes in, sleeps for two nights, enjoys the ha-ha fun times of sleeping on someone's couch, and then comparing that couch poorly against his own perfect ideal couch that he has in Waterloo.

And then he gives the keys back to Emily. And when you get back, you get the keys from Emily. So another thing to consider is I believe Pat was arriving somewhere around 1130 p.m., which is considerably later than I am ever awake. Wait, but you're, okay, so who are you mad at, Emily? Are you mad at Chris for not letting Pat stay at his house, or are you mad at Pat? Have I walked into a Canadian flame war? I just think that it's a little unreasonable for Pat to attempt to go through all these lengths

to stay at someone's empty apartment, which is not unlike a hotel room, when he could have just solved this problem by going to an actual hotel room where they will give you keys at your convenience. Okay, Pat, you're a grown man, right? Yes, that's correct. Why do you want to sleep on people's couches instead of beds that you can hire with Canadian money? Well, for multiple reasons, you know, I used to have less revenue. So that was a concern.

Of course. Canadian dollars. Not the case anymore. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'll have order. I'll have order. Don't yell. That's a perfectly reasonable thing for Pat to say. He had less revenue. He says in a very polite way. He used to have less revenue. The Canadian dollar. Go on, Pat. Emily, watch it. The Canadian dollar used to be, you know, quite weak compared to the U.S. dollar. This is no longer the case.

No, I know. Believe me. But it's hard to adjust yourself to new realities sometimes. Or sometimes it's actually too easy, and you find that you have increased revenue. It's sort of a Schrodinger's box situation. Another quantum state where it's too easy and too hard to adjust to new realities. Let me tell you this, sir. When you're on that couch, you're both alive and dead at the same time. Oh, my.

How old are you, sir? I am 34. You're 34 years old, a grown man. Do you routinely sleep on other people's couches all around the North American continent? It depends on the context in which I'm traveling. If I'm traveling to a conference, then I'll never stay on someone's couches. But I will, for instance, share a room with someone else. Out of concern, out of financial concern, or just because you love people's company and

you love to hear other people snoring that much? Yeah, both. Both of these concerns. You are a social animal, are you not, Pat? Sometimes, yes. Okay. Chris, I have some evidence here. Is this pictures of – I see another couch here. A black couch. Yes, a black couch. That is mine. Which actually has pillows on it, like sleeping pillows.

Yes. Are you just sending this in to torture, Pat? I have slept on it. I have a very comfortable couch and some wonderful down pillows, but you can't sleep on it. As I see in this photo, you've arranged the couch very nicely next to your anti-collection of VHS tapes. I think those are actually books. Okay. I apologize.

And then I have another picture here of what I have to describe as the, one of the grimmest empty rooms I've ever seen. That is, that is my empty room. Unfortunately, I no longer have access to my guest room since I'm now in Berkeley. But you can imagine, you can imagine this room has, you know, a bed in it because my guest room does have a bed in it and people are willing. Oh, okay. So the thing is, you travel around the country and you expect all your Canadian internet friends to put you up on their couches or even their love seats. And you then boast,

well, I would do the same in Waterloo because I have a guest room there. And you expect people to imagine their own beds in this room? This room is empty. This room is empty because it's full of water. Your argument is, oh, well, I would do the same for you. I have a guest room in Waterloo. First of all, you're presuming anyone ever wants to go to Waterloo. No offense. But the Bay Area is a little bit more attractive. You know, I'm sure it's a lovely town and the Waterlooans are going to be very mad at me, but... I assure you it's not, Your Honor. Oh, okay. Thank you very much. Thanks for standing up for me.

And then, do you expect people to bring their own super couches? Why is it empty? This room is empty because this is the only photo of this room that I had available. It now has a bed in it. So you can take my word for this, that it actually comes fully furnished now. Okay. All right. Well, I'm not sure that this evidence did you any help here. Chris and Emily, you both have made arguments.

It was situationally inconvenient for Pat to stay with you this one night. Emily, is it the case that the truth is you just don't want Pat to be your house guest? Not in my current living situation, no. If I had more space, like a spare guest room as Pat has, I would be happy to have him over. So your answer is if I had more space, like a Waterloo style guest room, I would have him over, but that's never going to happen because I live on an Ottoman. Yes. I live in the Bay Area where it's considerably more expensive than the palaces of water. I get it. Bay Area is the greatest place in the world. Waterloo is a living hellhole. I get it, Emily. Thank you.

Chris, because you have quantum keys that you need to have with you at all times, even when you are away from your apartment for a month, you therefore could not give keys to your friend to give to Pat. This story is very confusing. And to me, it feels like it's covering something up. So I'm going to ask you straightforwardly. And to me, it feels like it's covering something up. So I'm going to ask you straightforwardly, is it the case that you would simply not prefer to have Pat stay on your couch? Not at all. I've had Pat stay on my couch, not at this apartment, but at a previous one, also in San Francisco, before.

All right. nice, incredibly wealthy Canadian computer guy who loves couches and loves sleeping on them, apparently. Who wants to come... My office couch is great. I know your office couch is great, Pat. Thank you very much. Why don't you take a picture of that and send that to me? Oh, that would have been a good idea. Can you get someone to give keys to someone else, to give keys

to someone else in Waterloo, so that they can get in there with a digital camera and take a picture of your office couch? Because I may want to have a picture of it to look at as I fall asleep. There's a picture of it on the internet, actually. Okay, send me the link immediately. All right, we'll put that up right away. But here's Pat, clearly a lovely guy. He's sending me pictures of his couch.

He wants to come stay with you. You didn't work out this time. Did you stay at a hotel, Pat? I stayed at Airbnb in place. How much did the Airbnb cost? About $100. About $100. Canadian or American? Doesn't matter, does it? You should have the picture of the couch with a story. I know you're excited about the couch, Pat, but just let me finish my sentence. All right.

Was $100 too much to spend? In this case, it was okay. But it's just an issue. If you keep on spending $100, then soon all your revenue gets into, you know. Are you a tightwad, sir? Emily, do you want to answer that question? He is absolutely a tightwad. Okay, Pat, how would you describe it?

He's notoriously tight-fisted. Pat, how do you respond to these accusations? I like to spend money optimally. Optimally? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Do you eat food? I do.

Do you resent the money that you have to spend on food in order to survive? Food is okay. I see. When you pay for a hotel room and you share it, it is not because you love to have people near you all the time, is it? It is because you want to save all of your revenue. That's actually a bit of a different story because that's not necessarily personal revenue. That's, you know, employer's money.

And that's... Oh, so even when the hotel room is paid for, you prefer to have a platonic friend in there. Yeah, that's right. Watching you sleep all night long. Yeah. All right. So Chris and Emily, here you have... There's no question that he's a tightwad and a notoriously tight-fisted person. But I think I've just proven that he genuinely wants to be in your homes while you are sleeping.

And so there is both a financial concern, but also a genuine concern. And he wishes to assign feelings to you of enjoyment as well, which you may or may not feel. That said, what do you want me to do in this case? The thing is resolved. Do you want me to ban him from asking you in the future? Yes, provided that we're in restricted living situations at the time. If I have space for him to stay, I'm happy for him to come stay with me. But as long as I'm in my modest one bedroom apartment, I don't think it's reasonable to expect to stay at my house. Chris, what do you want me to do to this person if I should find

in your favor? I have no requests on that front. I'm here mostly as a witness. I see. Pat, if I should rule in your favor, what would you like me to do? Compel them to let you come into their homes? No, I think that actually what Emily said was pretty reasonable. I think that in her current restricted living space, it's actually a bit small for having guests, but should she be in a larger living space sometime in the future, then I think it would be perfectly reasonable to ask for couches to stay on. And once again, Canadian justice prevails. Before I can rule, all the Canadians quietly give up.

I think I have everything that I need to make my decision. I will be back in a few moments. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Pat, have your feelings about this case changed at all through the course of questioning? Actually, what changed my mind was moving into this very small Berkeley studio and realizing that places in the Bay Area are actually really small. So what you're saying is that you're used to living the life of Riley in some kind of Canadian mansion? Yeah, that's correct. Emily, you live in the San Francisco Bay Area. You understand that when one lives in the Bay Area, one doesn't just give that shit away for free. I would gladly give that shit away for free if it was mine to give.

It's very nice of you. I'll see you at the farmer's market. Chris, how do you feel about the case as it stands now? I feel much the same way that I did at the outset. Pat's request to me was not unreasonable, at least initially, until we started getting into conversations about passing keys to three levels of indirection, at which point it became somewhat unreasonable. It seems like the easiest way to do that would be a key party, right? Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom. You may be seated.

I'm sorry, did Bailiff Jesse start talking about farmer's markets again? It's Satsuma season, John. Bailiff Jesse, I told you. Satsuma season! Don't badger the plaintiffs and defendants about produce anymore. Satsuma is so easy to peel, so flavorful. Go in the corner and eat your satsuma. I'm going to dispense some justice.

Thank you, Judge Hodgman. Pat, you are at that point of your life, 34 years old, where you are living almost a quantum state with one foot in the past, in the childish things, in the going from house to house, sleeping on Ottomans, staying up all night, talking about computers and beautiful couches that you might one day own, and adulthood, where you go and you pay $100 and stay in a room by yourself, like a man. When you are sleeping on those couches, it is like a Schrodinger's cat experiment. You are both alive and dead at the same time, because you have not chosen to put childish things behind you and embrace the horrible and yet sometimes comforting solace of adulthood. Listen to me. I am a man who couch surfed at his best friend's wedding, including their wedding night. And in that 2am of the soul, I realized that things had to change. Things had to change.

And as soon as I became revenued enough to afford moderately priced and occasionally expensive hotels, I became a connoisseur, to use a Canadian phrase, of the hotel experience. Now look, I cannot possibly imagine a world in which you would prefer to sleep on or around or under an ottoman than to stay in even a decent Radisson hotel and watch Captain America at three o'clock in the morning while eating a Caesar salad. That is beautiful. That is the life of an adult. But I must say that the time will come for you to choose to put aside childish things and empty guest rooms and your weird love of your couch and start enjoying a bed of your own. That said, I think that your interest in spending time with your friends is genuine and touching. friends are genuinely affectionate towards you and genuinely wouldn't mind you staying with them, except for Emily, who I think you should never talk to again about this. Emily says,

maybe when I have a guest room of my own, I'll have you by. That's never going to happen. I think you just need to take the subtle social cue that that door is now closed to you. For that, indeed, is what becoming an adult is all about. Gradually, doors of opportunity close to you as you choose your path as an adult towards mortality. That's how I look at life anyway. But there is a door that is occasionally open to you via use of weird quantum keys. And that is Chris who has a black couch with two, two pillows on it and your name also on it. I personally, as a 40 year old person, even without revenue would never sleep on that thing in my life.

Even if I had absolutely zero revenue, sleeping on that thing would not be spending optimally. That would be dying optimally for me. It might be different for you. So here is where I find. I find in the favor of Emily, you owe her no begrudgement, nor do I feel that you have any, because you have already retreated from that position. I find in the favor of you, which is that while I advise you to move on with your life, this habit is not appropriate. The older you get, the less appropriate it will be, and the less welcome it will be among your friends and the less likely they are to be able to just simply tell you, I just don't think it's okay anymore. That said, it is still an option open to you via Chris. And therefore I am compelling Chris to make a special set of keys. And Chris, I want you to put the special set of keys

and I want you to have them put on a key chain engraved with this message. Pat, I'm sorry it's not your office couch, but mine is always yours. you to give him those keys so that he may always have them should he ever want to avoid paying a hundred dollars for privacy again in his life until and then pat when you're ready to make the step towards the end of couch surfing which has to be made eventually you can have a party, a creepy Canadian key party, where you all sit around on your computers or whatever, and you ceremonially give the keys back to Chris when you're ready. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge Sean Hodgman rules that as well. Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman exits the courtroom. It's a split decision in a way, Pat. How do you feel?

I think I can live with this. Well, you have to. It's legally binding. Great. Emily, how are you feeling having been liberated by this decision in a way? I think I feel good about it. I will gladly go with Chris to get a copy of his keys made. I will gladly go with Chris to get a copy of his keys made.

Chris, do you even know where you can get copies of keys made or how the process works in even the vaguest of senses? Isn't there something at the farmer's market, Jesse? I have had copies made. What about Satsumas? Do you know about Satsumas? Bailiff Jesse, that's enough now. Thank you, Judge Hodgman. Thank you very much, everybody, for being in the court. Thank you. Satsumas. Bailiff Jesse, that's enough now. Thank you, Judge Hodgman. Thank you very much, everybody, for being in the court. Thank you. Satsuma. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so

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Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O.

Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, would you like a Satsuma? Oh, yeah. Bring it over to me here on the mini ottoman that I'm balanced on. Have I ever mentioned how big and beautiful this office is and how nice all these couches are? Are you Canadian?

I have an interior decorator who's a Canadian, and he recommended 13 couches for all my friends. But myself, I like to sleep standing up on this ottoman with its satsuma balanced on my nose i have a couple of um letters here i thought you might like to hear yeah i don't i guess we have nothing on the docket um but some people are writing in anyway because they think i am interested in what they have to say um apparently in the episode the abuseuse of Flower Power, you wondered if the complainant had aphasia because she claimed

to experience smell as taste. This is from Ryan. He says, as you're no doubt aware, aphasia is an affliction of the brain that affects a person's ability to understand or to produce language. He says that he believes you were

thinking of synesthesia, a condition where the senses are confused so that stimulating one sense triggers a reaction of another sense as well. I'm sorry, because of my aphasia, that all sounded like gobbledygook to me and you look like a terrible smell. Here's a note from Mary. She says that she heard you suggest that the defendant in a case should go see a doctor to see if she is a super taster. She says you don't have to go see a doctor. You can simply buy a packet of PTC paper test strips for $2.50 on Amazon. This PTC stands for phenylthiocarbamide. For about 25% of

the population, the strip will taste like nothing. These people are non-tasters. For about 50% of the population, the strip will taste slightly bitter. Those are medium tasters. And the other 25% of people will find the strip to taste totally vile. These people are super tasters and

are being punished for it. Well, that either sounds like good advice and excellent buzz marketing for phenol theocarbamide or an extremely elaborate attempt to poison my listeners. So let me just say, you can buy something from Amazon if you want and put it in your mouth, but you do so at your own risk, super medium or non-tasters. I recently went on Amazon and bought something called food grade lye. Go on. It doesn't seem like they should produce a food grade lye, right? Yeah, maybe not.

Hmm. You know what I just bought on Amazon? What's that? Satsumas. Oh, God, those are delicious. And they're so much better when you get them by mail order from Seattle. The King of Citrus. Thanks very much.

What? Do you know what I just bought on Amazon? No, what? A copy of your new book, that is all. Oh my gosh, Jesse, you didn't have to do that. I would have sold you one myself. I already had a copy, but after reading a few pages and feeling cold, I used it as kindling in my fireplace.

It is very useful in that regard. That's why I only have a paper version of the book. No electronic version at this time. No audiobook at this time. Because paper, particularly hardcover, is the most useful version of a book to have after Ragnarok. It won't crash due to the Omega Pulse, and you can use it as kindling. Well, I thank you for saving me from almost certain pneumonia and death. I do try. We'll see everyone next time

on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. Thank you. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support this show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate.

The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Matt Gourley. His great podcast, by the way, is called Super Ego. You can find it in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at AreasOfMyExpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, email us and be sure and include your telephone number. The email address is Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. If you have thoughts about the show, you can always comment on it on our message board, forum.maximumfun.org. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.