Judge John Hodgman - The Cradle of Pizza Civilization

Episode Date: March 9, 2016

Judge Hodgman fills us in on the birthplace of Italian-American pizza, garbage and breezeways, the adventures of Alex Vennenzula, and more.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne with me as always, the great Judge John Hodgman. How are you, Judge? Hi. Wait, what does that voice mean? Are we starting off all our episodes with a confusing voice from here on out? I just realized that I did that. That's the voice of... Of Morrissey. here on out i just realized that i did that that's the voice of morris well close well actually kind of yes i hadn't thought about it that way i it's the voice of moriarty from the benedict cumberbatch sherlock oh sure when he introduced when you first see him at the pool and now i have to i forget who that actor is so i have to look it up sherlock andrew scott and he goes hi

that's one of the most hilarious and creepy moments in television history but we were just talking about some of the greatest uh detectives of literature before uh before we started this podcast proper were we not jesse you you confessed that you have read over 15 Hardy Boys? I've read probably, I think a solid 20 Hardy Boys and five Nancy Drews. And I'm going to throw on top of that five to seven Tom Swift and his Flying Labs. Really? Now you're going into, that's a deep cut in American juvenile literature. I don't know if this is allowed, but I sometimes would go to Aardvark Books,

which is actually still there on Church Street in San Francisco, not far from my childhood home. And I would just sit in the children's section and read an entire Hardy Boys book. And as you walked out of there, you would just lean over to the person behind the counter, probably the grad student, and go, I just stole from you. And you'll never prove it. Because the Hardy Boys are made up and you can't prove that you stole words because you read them. Well, Judge Hodgman, we've got a ton of docket cases to attend to. Well, that's why I'm here in these chambers.

Okay, great. Megan writes, my husband and I have an intractable dispute. Hopefully, we'll be able to track it for you, too. He falsely claims that pizza must have a red tomato-based sauce. Without red sauce, he argues, it is not a pizza, but merely gourmet flatbread. I say, consider the Pizza Bianca. Of course. Or the Noble Barbecue Chicken Pizza.

Are they not pizzas? Well, mm. Consider the Pizza Bianca. Of course. Or the Noble Barbecue Chicken Pizza. No. Are they not pizzas? Well, hmm. That said, we're Midwesterners, so what the heck do we know about pizza? Can a pizza be considered a pizza if it does not have tomato sauce on it? Jesse, I have strong feelings about this. Can you guess what I am going to rule? Don't be a dope?

Not you. Yes, that's right. That that's your rule i presume that's your ruling uh yeah of course don't be a dope it is true that the classic a pizza pie has a red sauce and in fact sometimes you can have a red sauce above the cheese and that makes it a tomato pie that's what my uncle jim told me in Philadelphia. And while things are subject to regionalism, because right now there's probably some pet ant going, that's not a tomato pie, out there. Maybe that's Moriarty. That's not a tomato pie.

That's why he's my... Oh, that's not a tomato pie. That's not a tomato pie. You're hurting me again. Well, many nemeses out there are probably saying, that's not a tomato pie. That's not a tomato pie. You're hurting me again. Well, many nemeses out there are probably saying that's not a tomato pie. And I believe these things are regional and regionally defined. But in the cradle of pizza civilization, as far as I am concerned, is New Haven, Connecticut, where I went to college. I think everyone agrees on that point.

Continue. Are you being sarcastic or are you being, are you being the cradle of pizza civilization is new Haven, Connecticut, college, America, America, American pizza.

Some of the earliest Italian American pizza parlors in the United States. We're in new Haven, Connecticut, Frank Pepe's and Sally's are iconic American up-eats parlors and they make brilliant pizza pies still in coal-fired ovens

that are... There's a line around the block 24 hours a day, even when they're closed. And they're spectacular. And one of the signature pizza pies in the New Haven pizza canon was very influential one of the signature pizza pies in the Haven pizza canon, which is very influential to all the East Coast pies, is the white clam pizza, which is a clam pizza without a single hint of tomato near it.

And that is, without doubt, a pizza. I'm going to give you the ingredients now. According to Frank Pepe's, where I've actually never been to Sally's. They're next door to each other in New Haven, Connecticut. But I've only ever been to Pepe's. And I liked it. White clam pizza is number one in America. All right.

See, there you go. A website said it. Made with fresh chuck clams, garlic, olive oil, and grated cheese on a charcoal-colored crust. And it's an amazing thing to have. And there are many, many different kinds of what are called white pizzas that don't have any tomato sauce on them at all. And there's no question that they are pizzas. They come from the same Italian-American pizza parlor tradition. So your boyfriend, is it boyfriend? Husband.

Husband is wrong. Husband is wrong. Consider your dispute tracted. Darla writes, this is a docket question because honestly, I don't know who the defendant is. My husband and I live in a building that has three units. We inhabit the lower level. Another family lives upstairs, and another group lives in an apartment attached by a breezeway. What's a breezeway? Uh, a breezeway... That sounds like a part of a ship. No, it's like a walkway between buildings.

Are you sure it's not where the bosun lives? We inhabit the lower level, another family lives upstairs, another group lives in an apartment attached by a breezeway. So my guess would be that there's a walkway to us to an outbuilding of some kind my association of breezeway it is and shall always be with the grand union motel in saratoga springs new york where my wife and i and then my wife and young daughter and i spent a couple of long

weekends with our other friends going to go to see the horses race around. But mainly we went to the Grand Union Hotel because Jeffrey McDonald and his wife, whose name I should remember, but of whom he is accused of and imprisoned for murdering, and was the subject of the sort of seminal true crime book, fatal vision that we were very into at that time in the 1990s, stayed there with his wife. That couple stayed there at one point on vacation was mentioned in the book. So it was a weird true crime pilgrimage and they had a, a, a spring, a natural spring. That's why they call it Saratoga Springs.

The right in the middle of the courtyard of this motel, and it was a true motor hotel. Like you drive in, check in one office, and then walk around to the door. You know, there were a bunch of doors, like in the Bates Motel, you would go into your room that led directly onto this courtyard.

In the middle of the courtyard was one of many natural springs in Saratoga Hotel that just burped up fart water 24 hours a day. You were expected to get your plastic pitcher from your room and fill it up with this natural, highly mineralized water and bring it back to your hotel room. And then you would go to bed watching the Late Late Show with Craig Kilbourne, as I remember doing one time. This really dates me. And then in the middle of the night, you would wake up,

and you would be like, why does my room smell like rotten eggs? I guess I'll never solve that mystery. I guess I'll have a glass of this delicious, fresh spring water that has now turned weirdly and uncannily brown. It was a good time. But between, so some rooms, this is a long story, but it's a great, and it's a great motel, Grand Union Motel, Saratoga Springs. And there would be a line of rooms and then a break.

And you could walk between two buildings to get to the other side of the building to go to the line of rooms on the other side of the building. And that walkway between the two buildings that was covered was called a breezeway. So there. Well, I think that is how Saratoga Springs, Florida came to be known as the cradle of the American breezeway and the cradle of American fart water. I'm talking about Saratoga Springs, New York, just so you know. Oh, New York. Excuse me. And also, birthplace of the pizza.

Okay, so anyway, Breezeway. All of us in this apartment... Oh, is Darla still talking? I apologize. Hi. All of us have separate entrances,

but we share garbage cans and the garbage situation is a hot mess. Mm-hmm. One, somebody is not using garbage bags, but rather putting household trash straight in the can. This is disgusting. If it's windy and the can blows over,

pieces of soggy, gross garbage and coffee grounds end up all over. I am the only person who cleans it up. And we do know it gets windy because they got breezeways all over the place. Yeah, we got to put those breezes somewhere. Two, someone else keeps putting their garbage bags straight out to the curb. Sands can. Three, I am the only person to put the garbage cans out through an unwieldy passage. I could make my husband do it too, but to me, this is beside the point because that won't address my neighbor's behavior.

but to me, this is beside the point because that won't address my neighbor's behavior. Judge Hodgman, is there a way to address this that doesn't involve potential false accusations about who's doing what or leave me feeling like a passive-aggressive jerk? Seems impossible to me. I can't come up with a single solution that doesn't involve accusing people of things, Judge Hodgman. That's why I have to defer to your wisdom on this one. Here's what you do. Take a sharp knife. Go through the breezeway. Carve into their door.

I know it's you. Then go upstairs, carve into their door. I also know it's you. And then do an Al Madrigal special. Get a pound each of peeled, deveined shrimp and hide the raw shrimp. Just shove the raw shrimp under their door. I think that's probably the best solution. Or maybe you could leave a note out by the garbage cans. The thing is, what is the threshold for intervention? So let's walk through here. Does this deserve intervention at all? Does this cause a problem that can and should be resolved for darla and her husband

or is darla and her husband just up in everybody else's business so here's number one someone's not using garbage bags putting household trash straight in the can it's disgusting i agree with you if it's windy in the cans blow over pieces of soggy gross garbage and she's the only one so all right that's if she's not misrepresenting and they're and the garbage cans are occasionally being blown around in the breezeway then that is a hardship for her someone else keeps putting their garbage bag straight out to the curb sans can number two we're just that's not an issue as long as they're being collected i don't see why that's your a problem for you darla three i'm the only person to put the garbage cans out through an unwieldy passage.

Maybe that's the breezeway we're talking about. I bet you it is. It could be some kind of underground route. That's true. Like a tunnel? Yeah, maybe she lives in Disneyland where they have a network of underground tunnels where cast members move from place to place. I was thinking more like a Zeta drug gang type tunnel, like an El Chapo situation.

Oh, yeah. Maybe she lives in a bolt hole. Yeah, and she's got a motorcycle on tracks. Sounds like an exciting life that Darla is living with her gross roommates or breezeway mates. It's dangerous to traffic drugs across the Minnesota can't wait. Now, where does she live? She doesn't say. I'm going to assume it's like the maybe Minnesota Canada border.

So it sounds as though she is the only person who actually drags the garbage cans out through the breezeway and puts them out on the street. And then occasionally when it's windy, they blow over and the person who's putting raw eggshells in there and they're rotting shrimps directly into the can goes all over the place. And she's the only one who cares to clean it up. So it sounds like she's living with, uh, horrible, uh, uh, garbage people, uh, in every sense of the word, or young people who don't know any better. So let's just presume for the sake of argument that these are young people who haven't yet lived

in an apartment out in the world long enough and that they know how to do it properly. I think that it would be perfectly reasonable to just write a kind note saying, dear neighbors above the trash cans, if you are going to put trash in the trash can, please put it in a plastic bag for the reason that is obvious. We live in Hurricane Alley, and three to five times a week, the lawn gets covered with shrimps from your unbagged garbage signed me the one who knows what you did i mean one i mean my presumption is that maybe

your neighbors think like uh oh yeah you know uh uh darene takes the trash out and I trim the hedges. Like they think there's some kind of unstated understanding of how the whole building works that involves Darlene's job being doing this stuff because Darlene has always done it. or just but i think it's hard to say that uh uh her doing this stuff every week uh is grounds for her complaining that no one else does it well i mean the thing is we don't know does she live in a co-op of some kind where they all own the buildings and then they they split up household chores and building wide chores among the three of them none of the none of or do they are they tenants and there's a landlord who should be hiring a superintendent to take care of the garbage or whatever there's not none of this is none of this is clear and we could speculate all day long but you know i hate to be so boring on their door and say hey maybe we could

figure out a plan for the garbage how about that yeah she does not appear to have taken that step she has not stated what steps uh she's taken at all and the only reason that i suggest a note rather than knocking on the door is knocking on doors is scary in a three unit building she's gotta know these people it's not like it's a 50 unit building in there uh and there's 500 people to know i defer you know what i defer to the bailiff you should probably speak to your neighbors and say there's a problem with your disgusting garbage that's why that's why i carved that threat into your door last week you're really coming up with Al Madrigal solutions to this. We know that our friend, Daily Show contributor and brilliant stand-up comic Al Madrigal would come up with a complicated and vindictive scheme to solve this and all other domestic problems. Okay,

here's something from Hunter. My name is Hunter. I'm 13 and I live in Minnetrista, Minnesota. My name is Hunter. I'm 13, and I live in Minnetrista, Minnesota. I'm in the midst of writing my first fantasy novel. The title is Alex Venenzula, The Lost Treaty. It's a story about a prince of a kingdom in a faraway nation whose father had vanquished the evil humanoid Halotron that attempted to defeat the people of Selexalair. Selexalsair.

Selexalsair. I know you have some more to go here, but if the question is, will you adopt me, John Hodgman? The answer is yes. We'll go on. I also want to apologize to Hunter if I mispronounced any of the words that he's made up. He did not include a pronunciation key. Oh, okay.

I just did my best. Select, Sulser. Select, Sulser. I spent many days typing out my... I spent many days... The one reason I hesitate to adopt you, Hunter, is that you did not include a pronunciation guide, glossary, and map.

So I'm not sure that you're my kind of son, but let's go on, and maybe I'll change my mind. I'd like to read the Alex Venenzula sourcebook and encyclopedia, A Guide to the World of Alex Venenzula, including The Lost Treaty, but not limited to The Lost Treaty. I spend many days typing out my story. I find it easier to get it out directly into my computer, not copying it from a notebook. But I've got one problem. When I have my creative juices flowing at night and I'm typing like crazy,

my dad comes in and tells me to turn it off at 10. I'm homeschooled with no real need to get up early. I might be an author or a screenwriter when I grow up, and my dad doesn't seem to care. Please tell him to let me stay up until 11 for Alex Venenzula's sake. P.S. On April 1st, not a joke, keep your eye out for Alex Venenzula, The Lost Treaty at Amazon.com. I think that's a permissible instance of buzz marketing. He snuck it in there. He snuck it in there. Yes. I think that that's permissible. I it what do you think 11 o'clock um well i am not your dad yet hunter not until you've been emancipated then unmancipated i uh i think that, you know, but I have a 14-year-old child, and I would not like it if she were staying up to 11 o'clock routinely.

Now, I know that she is doing this anyway, even though I don't like it. I know she routinely stays up to 11 o'clock watching Parks and Recreation on her computer. That's a very good thing to be doing. Well, you know, and it's one of these things where... If there had been computers in 1994 when I was 13 years old, you know I would have stayed up till 11 o'clock watching news radio on my computer. Of course. The Parks and Recreation of the 90s is its new slogan

oh news radio is a spectacular television show great it's one of the best yeah it's just wonderful i have to say i'm i'm grateful to my daughter for watching all seven seasons of parks and recreation well into the late at night times because obviously i was a fan of parks and rec when it was on but i was by no means a completist and i had not seen there were so many episodes i had not seen until my daughter said oh no you have we have to sit down and watch them all together in order and it's just been such a spectacular experience for the both of us it's a really great show and has some adult themes, but its heart is in the right place, of course. But this is one of those things where as a dad, I have to side with the dad. I think

that 13 years old, you should not be staying up until 11 o'clock. Well, I just remembered that you're homeschooled, so it doesn't matter what time you wake up in the morning. Yeah, I don't know. I think that even if you're homeschooled, you ought to try to keep regular hours until you're 16 and your brain goes insane. What about 11? He goes to bed at 11. He gets up at 8 or 7.30. That seems reasonable to me. That's eight and a half to nine hours of sleep. That's probably more in tune with his natural body clock as a teen. I mean, why in my experience, homeschooled kids tend to be, and both of my kids go to regular school, you know, regular state schools, good state schools here in the region. And they're very smart and inquisitive and curious and lovely in their own ways. But it's like homeschooled kids, they almost vibrate and shine with precocious intellectual energy.

and shine with precocious intellectual energy. And one of the nice things about being homeschooled is your teachers, who are your parents, love you and are very inclined to tolerate whatever your eccentricities might be, rather than force you into a kind of social norm, which by necessity regular schools with other humans and teachers who maybe appreciate you, but do not love you because they did not give birth to you, don't allow. And so I think that while on the one hand, tolerating and encouraging the independent passions of every individual student is lovely. Tolerating every eccentricity is disruptive and not necessarily a good, a great preparation

for a broader world full of people who are not your parents who don't care about you. My brothers were homeschooled. My youngest brother, who were homeschooled. My youngest brother, who was homeschooled from kindergarten through middle school and then went to public arts high school for high school, which led him to zero additional conformity. He lives in Chicago, and I'm pretty sure what he does is he just sits around the house listening to Sparks and petting his hairless cats. Ha!

I didn't know how that sentence could get any better or come to a grander conclusion. But when you brought in the Sphinx cats, it's a Sphinx cat, right? That has no hairs? Sure. I don't know. Not a single hair? I've seen some Facebook pictures of them sitting on top of his head. Yeah.

I love you, Brendan. I love you head. Yeah. I love you, Brendan. I love you too, Brendan. I love you too, Hunter. Maybe just out of a kind of mean-spirited dadness, I'm going to have to side with Dad on this one and say, you know what, you're a wonderful kid, but you don't get everything you want just yet, and you really should be in bed by 11. Uh, don't be typing out your story and don't have screens after 10 PM.

I mean, this is something that I say is true for all grownups and adults, because those screens shine and lights in your eyes. They it's different than if you're writing in a notebook. Screens shining in your eyes wake up parts of your brain. And especially if you are doing any kind of surfing of any kind, they sort of trigger predator instincts in your brain where you're awake and you're trying to find the next thing and the next thing and the next thing. But even just typing into a screen, I think it's not good for your sleep cycle to be doing that late at night. I'm trying to not do it myself, Hunter. And I think in that case, I would say if you talk to your dad about maybe staying

up till 1030, so long as you're writing in a notebook with a flashlight or whatever, maybe he'll relent. But I as I am not as I have not adopted you and just did his dad have anything to say about this? Yeah, he said, I love this kid's passion, though the passion also comes out verbally when I hold to what I think is an already pretty gracious bedtime. I trust your judgment. Yeah, I got to side with dad. 10, 10 o'clock, shut off the computer. Doesn't matter what fantasy novel you're working on. I think that's a reasonable thing to ask of a 13-year-old. And then, of course, you just sneak out a flashlight and a patent pencil or whatever, and you just do it the old-fashioned way under the covers.

I'm talking about when I say do it the old-fashioned way under the covers, I'm talking about writing your fantasy novel specifically. Yeah, when I say do it the old-fashioned way under the covers, I am talking about writing your fantasy novel specifically. Alex Van Inzula, The Lost Treaty, available April 1st at Amazon.com. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. dot org slash join.

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Here's something from Richard. In a few cases, you've expressed your views on tipping at restaurants. There's a restaurant I often call to place an order for takeout. When I pick up my order, I assume the receipt I'm given is the same as the one given to dine-in guests, in that there is a line at the bottom of the receipt to add a tip when I pay with a credit card. I'd never thought of tipping when getting takeout until I was presented with this receipt. How do you rule on tipping for takeout? I do not tip for takeout.

How about that? And I am a very generous tipper, as you know. And I guess, I suppose, if there were a tip jar there, I might want to put a dollar in there or whatever. I certainly tip for delivery, because as far as I'm concerned, driving around on a bicycle or a moped, no matter what the conditions are, whether wet or cold or sleet or hail, all night long bringing food to people is a pretty awful job and certainly as deserving as serving a party of four in a nice restaurant. But tipping is for service. Well, if they have a line there for tipping, and I'm confident that they're pooling those tips and tipping them out to the bus staff and the wait staff, I might add, I might add, you know what, I might add 10% in that case, but I wouldn't, but that's where, that's where I think I would draw the line.

There's a couple of considerations. I think you hit on the fact that, you know, tips partly go to wait staff for table service, but they partly also go to other service employees in the restaurant, including behind the scenes ones whose work is exactly the same with takeout and with table service. And also a server often does a significant amount of work preparing a takeout order. And so the general consensus that I've heard seems to be you're totally not required to tip for takeout. It's not an absolute social obligation, but a 10% tip would be a nice thing to do. And I have personally found,

you know, there's a pizzeria and I don't eat a lot of takeout, but there's a pizzeria in my neighborhood called Fulieros. And we occasionally order pizza from there. They don't deliver. So I go pick it up. And I found that if I tip 10%, they're just very grateful. And I'm like, oh, right, I like these people. And I'm a regular customer here. Oh, yeah. And I would like to recognize what a nice job they do and how nice they are to me. If it's a neighborhood place and you're a regular customer, I mean, it's not just, it's not altruism. Tipping is, and ensures that they remember that

you are part of their world and you are glad to be, and you're glad that they are part of your world as well. And it's a, it's a, you know, it's a gesture that makes everyone feel good. So why not do it? And I'm, I'm glad you gave me that chance to come around to the correct answer, bailiff Jesse. Sometimes I don't, I don't get it a hundred percent right out to the correct answer bailiff jesse sometimes i don't i don't get it 100 right out of the gate and also i changed my mind hunter you can now stay up till 2 a.m 2 a.m it's uh helping people remember that you're part of their world is a really important uh really important etiquette um issue it's what I call the Little Mermaid principle. Wow. This is so far to go.

For what amounted to an illusion from a song from the Little Mermaid. That truly was a journey. Here's something from Liz. My husband and I disagree about toilet seat etiquette. I say he should put the seat down. It's courteous. It prevents me from sitting on the bare rim in the middle of the night. And it's used that way the majority of the time, since I always sit and he does at least part of the time. You mean sometimes he poops standing up? Sometimes he poops standing up. Since our daughter was born, he's now outnumbered by sitters. My husband says this is sexist, that if he has to put the seat down, then everyone in the house should be required to put the full lid down after every use. I request that the judge issue an injunction requiring my husband to lower the toilet seat. If we have really made it through

the five years or whatever of Judge John Hodgman that we've done without addressing this question, it is sincerely a miracle, and i think we should consider never addressing it you mean just i'm leaving it a lost treasure just beyond our audience's grasp i think everyone knows what the correct answer is in this case yeah take out your toilets replace them dig a hole outside no take out your your traditional northern northern European toilets and replace them with traditional Italian poop holes. Do you know what I'm talking about, Jesse? Have you traveled through Italy? I've not traveled through Italy, but I encountered one or two poop holes in Japan.

Oh, okay. Yeah, but there they're heated, right? They are. Oh, man, Joe Toshman. My wife got me one of those special Japanese toilet seats. What a luxury. Oh, right, because is it heated and does it play music? Does it play Little Mermaid songs?

It doesn't play music, but it's heated and it squirts warm water. Oh, where does it squirt it? Wherever you need to be clean, Judge Hodgman. Whoa, what? And it has a blow dryer. And this is in a, you know, the Japanese culture, bathroom culture is legendary for incredibly elaborate electronic doodads on the toilet. But in any case, we all know what the answer is with regard to putting the seatads on the toilet. But in any case, we all know what the answer is with regard to putting the seat down on the toilet. And it is quite a far stretch to bring sexism into it. And

this sounds to me like one of the parties in this marriage is being purposely provocative. And I, in order to honor your desire, Jesse, that we never answer this question, I will leave it there. I'm sure all right-thinking people understand what I'm saying. Here's something in the follow-up department, somebody who had previously sent in a docket clearing question, Dan. Last year, I asked if I was allowed to continue to do my fart art projects. Oh, Dan, I remember you. Go on. Would you say these are fart art projects or fart art projects?

I'm trying to remember exactly what form his fart art took. I think it was a little lame, and I asked him to kick it up a notch. That's right. Wasn't he leaving posters around or something? He had a rubber stamp of some kind that said fart on it. And he was just stamping fart on stuff. Oh, okay. Yeah.

So he was just defacing things. Okay. With the word fart. Gotcha. And you said you should up his game. Yeah. Like if he really wants to claim to be an artist maybe he should try making art instead of just stamping the word fart on stuff okay an interesting of an interesting approach

in the 21st century not a lot of people think of art as something you make more of something you steal and repurpose but go on fair enough okay so dan says i took what you and jesse said to heart about upping my fart artwork game and wanted to share some of my new pieces. I've created a vinyl decal of an Icelandic aphorism that translates to, every man loves the smell of his own farts. He's shared a picture of it with us that we'll post on the website. I also made a stencil to be used with spray chalk to indicate no fart zones on the sidewalk. I replaced my bathroom exhaust fan cover with one that reads, farts this way. And although unintentional, I believe that my fart masterpiece is that I got you and Jesse to say the word fart a combined total of 19 times. I hope that you find my new works have merit and i am the world's greatest fart themed artist i've attached photos um it is a pretty pretty good stencil well here's

what i like about what he's doing uh he's gone from he has a commitment to theme yes and he's gone from defacing property that is not his and public property that other people want to enjoy without his dumb ideas stamped all over them to doing the same, but in an impermanent, easy to clean manner. I don't I don't I've never heard of spray chalk before. I find it to be a very interesting product if it is what i imagine it to be which is essentially chalk and a spray can so that it could be washed away with water for example and so he made this stencil that says no fart zone with spray chalk and it kind of looks like graffiti art but it's not going to bother anybody uh they'll just wash it away because there is absolutely no need for it to be permanent because it's not beautiful or interesting. It's dumb.

And I am a little bit more, I am a little bit more impressed by the Icelandic aphorism. Every man loves the smell of his own farts. As usual, the Icelanders are wrong. I know from personal experience, but it, but this, but this decality has made,

which I don't speak Icelandic, but I'm going to guess it's pronounced Ullum munum finst sin eigen prumplutigur. With all due apologies to longtime Max Funster, Ari from Iceland. Oh, I'm sorry, Ari. Ari, and if you're listening to this, would you please call and let us know how to pronounce this Icelandic phrase, every man loves his own farts, and I'd love to include it in the podcast. I'm just taking a guess. And I like his choice of font. There's no serif. It looks pretty cool. And it's a provocative little bit of weird text. And I think that it tempts you to look it up or to hold up one of those, hold up your phone with that app that automatically translates foreign languages in real time. And then you would learn that what it says is every man loves the smell of his own farts and you would feel like a real dummy for wasting that time. like a real dummy for wasting that time. I guess what I'm saying is that while your execution has absolutely improved and shows real imagination, I don't think this is interesting to humans.

And I don't like that you measure your success by how many times you trick us into saying fart, because that kind of mischief is designed solely to draw attention to yourself rather than to provoke a thought or an idea or a moment of beauty in a world that needs those things. This seems to me like an intention-getting technique more than a work of true even whimsy. And so, Dan, a.k.a. Fartsy, I am glad that you filled us in, and I like your stencil making, and I think you've got some interesting applications of your idea,

but your idea at its heart is dumb. That is what I say as a judge of your artwork. You may disagree. You know what it is. I don't know fart, but I know what I like. That was a long road to get to that line. It's a whole new world. Is that the Aladdin principle,

a corollary principle to the Little Mermaid principle? A whole new world. Is that the Aladdin principle, a corollary principle to the Little Mermaid principle? A whole new world. Oh, a whole new world. Ladies and gentlemen, Morrissey. That's been this week's episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Our producer is Julia Smith. Editor is Mark McConville.

How soon is now? What can you say? I go about things the wrong way. I am human and I need to be loved. Just like everybody else does. You know, that's a terrible Morrissey impersonation. But still, one of my favorite songs. terrible morrissey impersonation and but still one of my favorite songs and it's like you know how could how could how could they have been making songs for teenagers for so long and and not gotten that one out the first year because that is the

that is the definition of a song for teenage boys or girls. So amazing. It took them so long to get to that piece of teenage brain crack. Love it. I think we should have Dana Gould of the Dana Gould Hour podcast on the show sometime. You guys can have a Morrissey off and we can have it judged by Morrissey super fan and brilliant standup comedian, April Richardson, who I think follows Morrissey on tour when he's in the United States.

I'm I, I, I seed, I seed, I seed victory automatically to Dana Gould. No, there are very few, uh, impressionists who are as good as Dana at everything.

Hey, judge Hodgman, guess what? Why don't you guess the max fund drive is just around the corner. Yeah, you got it, buddy. Yay.

It's the best two weeks in podcasting. We're pulling out all of the stops. You can support Judge John Hodgman and all of Maximum Fun shows directly starting March 14th. There are going to be amazing prizes. All you have to do is go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. It is that simple. And once again, for donors at the leadership level, I will personally mispronounce your name on my Instagram account. So keep that in mind as we go into MaxFunDrive. It all starts March 14th, runs for two weeks, and we're going to have a good time together. You know, somebody posted on the Flophouse, our sister program, has a wonderful Facebook group. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

The Flophouse is our sister program now? I know you have some problems with Elliot Galen. Our sister program now. The same. Like, we're the same. We're the same. Like, sister cities? Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, sure. Maybe. Maybe they're. Like Bakersfield and Kyoto. Maybe they're. I would say they're our despised younger brother program. Get out of my room, flop house. Anyway, somebody posted really generously to remember that the Max Fund Drive was coming

up and that you should donate to support Maximum Fun. And I was so grateful to them. And I also added, and to support your favorite podcasters specifically like one of the special things about max fund is that your donations really do go directly to support the shows you know this isn't something where like right all the money comes into a big slush fund for me and then I decide to give it out as according to my whims right it really goes straight to the shows that you listen to. We ask you what shows you listen to and send them the money.

Yeah. It's not like when you donate to public radio and, you know, like 95 cents of every dollar goes to Sylvia Paglioli's scarf fund. Anyway, March 14th is when the Max Fund Drive starts. We hope you'll support us on social media, in real life, and by donating at MaximumFund.org slash donate. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. This is Alex Venenzula. MaximumFund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.