Judge John Hodgman - The Defense Rests

Episode Date: April 22, 2015

When is it OK to leave your own party early and retire to bed?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, the defense rests. John and Anna are roommates, and they enjoy hosting parties at their home. Anna often heads to bed early, leaving John to host the guests and then later shoo them out. Is it okay to duck out of your own party early? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. It's time to party. Let's party. Hang out with yourself and have a crazy

party. Hey, you, let's party. Have a killer party and party. Don't even try to deny it, Jesse, because you're going to have a party tonight And you know we're going to do it Tonight We're going to lose it all When you open your door Party Party

There's going to be a party Tonight Just as soon as you swear them in Please rise And raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he only attends the Vanity Fair Oscars party, and it's a Vanity Fair Oscars party that happens in June that you've never heard of, wherein they decide who will win the Oscars. By they, they mean me. Yes. I do. Very well. Judge Hodgman? John and Anna, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors. By the way, Jesse, at that Vanity Fair party, I wear a special tuxedo that has its own velvet rope around it.

John and Anna, for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors, can you name the piece of popular culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom? John. I don't think so, Judge, but may I take a guess? Wait. Anna. I don't know. Do you also want to take a guess?

No. My guess would be off. Off is incorrect. John, to take a guess? No. My guess would be Off. Off is incorrect. John, what is your guess? You may take three guesses. I want to say that there's a song called There's Gonna Be a Heartache Tonight or something similar.

However, I don't know the artist or if that's even correct. I'm not saying whether it's correct or incorrect. Do you want to take another guess? I need you to take three guesses so that I can say my next line. Okay. For my second guess, I'm going to say it's from a two live crew song or the Luther Campbell autobiography. Okay.

That's three. That's three guesses. You think that Uncle Luke's autobiography is written in verse? Yes, Luke Skywalker, man. He's a lyrical genius. We'll let that pass. So there's going to be a heartache tonight. Two live cruise song or Luke Skywalker book.

Now I can say, all guesses are wrong. Favorite line from a children's book the answer is the song it's time to party by andrew wk who is the king of what jesse partying partying from his album i get wet is that the one that's Wet. Is that the one? That's the one. That's the one. Andrew W.K., a former Max Fun Con attendee.

Yeah, multiple-time past guest on The Sound of Young America, the former name of Bullseye, and a past guest on Jordan Jesse Go. And he's probably going to get a Nobel Prize for partying, right? If anyone on earth deserves a Nobel Prize for partying, it's Andrew W.K., a man so pure of heart that if he had to get a heart transplant surgery, it would be impossible because the surgeons wouldn't be able to see his heart because it would be transparent. So even though— Because he was so pure. They'd be like, there's nothing I can do. Do you have some infrared goggles for me?

I guess if they inferred by the location of the heart cavity where Andrew W.K.'s pure heart was located. Well, but in my limited experience with open heart surgery, it's pretty detail-oriented work. Yeah. It's kind of being able to see the heart as part of the job. The other issue is they'd have to replace it

with a heart as pure as Andrew's heart is. And I think, I mean, the question is, you're in the surgical theater. Yeah. Where are you going to find a baby angel, much less catch it, kill it, and take its heart? What about a movie? They still make them?

Yeah, sure. What about a movie? They still make them? Yeah, sure. What about a movie before they stop making movies? They're six seconds long. They're called Vines. Okay. What about a movie in which it's an identity mix-up movie and I switch brains with Andrew W.K.? And he suddenly, he's the host of a popular judge show and he's like, you're cool and you're cool. You guys just both be cool together.

And then I'm like – and then I'm like, your party is terrible. First of all, everyone is wearing their shoes. Your canapes are terrible. His music is bad. You're all human monsters. Which is maybe what I'm going to say about your party, because this whole thing, the case, which is brought to this fake courtroom by John,

involves partying. Does it not, John? It does. Partying and weekly potlucks, John. Thank you for saying lux. Your honor. Your honor. And also for saying lux. Your honor. Your honor. And also for saying that.

All right. So you have weekly potlucks at your home that you share, you and Anna. Are you guys domestic partners? Let me put it this way. Are you lovers? No. Are you dreamers? No.

Are you me? Rainbow connection riff. Yeah, that was fun. Okay. So you me? Rainbow Connection riff. Yeah, that was fun. Okay, so you are not lovers. You're simply likers and sharers of rooms? Yes. All right. Of apartments.

Okay, but one in particular, the one you live in. Yes. All right. And John, how old are you? I'm 29. And Anna, how old are you? 28. All right. And where, how old are you? I'm 29. And Anna, how old are you? 28. All right. And where do you live, John?

I live in the beautiful city of Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Portsmouth, New Hampshire, where I got my tattoo in 1991. Finally a chance, John, for you to talk about New England. 1991. Finally, a chance, John, for you to talk about New England. This is – I kind of have to do it, Jesse, because this is – the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast is the greatest regional podcast out there right now. I mean of all the many New England-specific podcasts in the world, I think we're kind of the number one region leader. I was going to say I got my tattoo there. I went in.

It was because you couldn't get a tattoo in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts at that time. Wait, I thought of a more popular New England podcast. What is it? It's one of Earwolf's limited run podcast. It's called Yaz on Yaz. Carl Yastrzemski talking about the music of the band Yaz. That's pretty good. I thought you were going to say Card Duck.

Did I tell you my plan? John and Anna, I know I didn't tell you because I just met you. We'll get back to your case in a minute. But, Jesse, did I tell you my plan? John and Anna, I know I didn't tell you because I just met you. We'll get back to your case in a minute. But Jesse, did I tell you my plan, my pitch for the new host of The Daily Show? No. What's your pitch? I mean, you know, whatever the show becomes, it will be wonderful. But obviously no one can replace John.

So I pitched myself as the new host. And the gimmick was I would never say anything. Every episode I would just sit there silently at the desk while I played a tape recorder of old Car Talk episodes. That is a good pitch. Did they take a meeting on that? We got brief. We did a couple of test shows. Right.

You never know with those tourist audiences, though, how they're going to react. Yeah. They're not into the New England, you know, the local Cambridge humor of Car Talk or me. So anyway, I'll tell you the story about my tattoos. You know what it's going to be? It's going to be some bonus content for the wonderful people who donate to MaxFunDrive. For a special tattoo episode. For a special tattoo episode. For a special tattoo episode.

And I have some other stuff that I want to put on. If we have time today, Jesse will record as a bonus to go out to the wonderful people who donated to MaxFunDrive. And I'm sure, John and Anna, you both did as well. And I thank you for your support. And I encourage you not to say anything else because I don't want to have to humiliate you. So, John, you live in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, right at the mouth of the port is my understanding. Wonderful seaside town along the 17 inches of New Hampshire's novelty coastline between Massachusetts and Maine. And you share an apartment there and you have a weekly potluck,

and herein lies the problem, which you will now describe. Correct. So the dispute here, and I have to clarify a piece, it is supposed to be a rotational weekly potluck, you know, where you hop around different people's apartments, but it is most frequently at hours for a couple of reasons that we can get into. I will like to hear about the apartment in a moment, but it is most frequently at ours for a couple of reasons that we can get into. I would like to hear about the apartment in a moment, but go on. So what I consider a, well, I guess the case here is I consider- What's the beef? Just say what the beef is. It's a deviation from a normal or expected party hosting etiquette in that Anna at a certain point in the night

will decide that she's going to up and go to bed. Now, some guests have left, but not all of them have. So what that leaves is I'm burdened with playing host individually to these friends. And then also, you know, I have to shepherd them out of the house when the night ends. Right. And do you have like a shepherd's staff and a lantern? I use one of those big push brooms. Oh, all right.

I'm just imagining him as the Sandman from the Apollo. Right. Just giving everybody the hook. Yeah. Dancing on in and giving everybody the hook. So the point is, Anna, you turn in early at these parties. Is that correct? I don't want to hear an explanation why.

I just want to hear a yes or no. Correct? Yes. Is the charge against you, do you understand it? I do. Is it substantial? Is the claim substantial? Is it true?

It is true to, in his mind, I have a different side, but yes. Okay. What is your different side? So I do, since this is a work night, this happens on Thursdays. What is your job? I do marketing. Okay. So a regular nine to five type B job.

It's normally eight to five, and my commute is an hour. Where is it? Where's the job? It's in beautiful Manchester, New Hampshire. Manchester, New Hampshire. An hour commute. Yes. All right.

And you live in Portsmouth because it's like, it's a beautiful seaside town with a lot of late 20 year olds who want to come over and party all night long. Exactly. Right. I mean, why do you live in, why do you live an hour away from your job? Because Manchester doesn't have a very active scene and Portsmouth has beautiful beaches and restaurants and all of my friends. Right. Okay, cool. And are you a New Hampshireian? I am, born and raised. In where?

In Manchester. You're a live-free or die-lander? Yes. All right. So you're from Manchester. Yeah, so I had to fly the coop. You had to get out of there and go to the big crazy town, the Mos Eisley of

New Hampshire, Portsmouth, to have some fun. And how do you know John? We met through this actual potluck. Okay. How did this potluck get started, John? That's an excellent question.

I know. You don't have to question so i know the name you don't have to say that i know i don't ask them i don't ask them unless they're excellent that's fair so the the name of this is actually rap night um which doesn't mean bring over your warren g albums and wear your flat brim red sock or no of course not this is not a college fraternity right so where white people dress up as rap artists. I like this idea, though, that they have in Portsmouth. Once a week, there's a rap night. They invite New England rap legends, Ed O.G. and the Bulldogs over.

That's a deep cut that I feel keenly. You cut that one, that cut to the bone. That was a deep cut to the bone. I remember I was so excited when they name-checked Mike Dukakis in one of their raps. It's hard. Did they say, was

the song's premise that they were driving a tank like Mike Dukakis? No, I think that they were saying something mean about Mike Dukakis. Yeah, like driving a tank. Well, no, no, but just something like I hate you. It was very tank. Well, no, no, but just something like, I hate you or something. It was very direct. Right, gotcha.

And very anti-Dukakis. And I felt a little excited, but a little bad because my dad worked for Mike Dukakis and he came over to dinner a couple of times. There you go. What were we talking?

Oh, yeah. So it's not rap night, like rap time, but rap, how do you spell rap? W-R-A-P. Okay. So are you celebrating the last day of filming on your independent movie or are you eating a bunch of chicken Caesar wraps? Are you eating some convenience food from 2002?

Right. So the idea is, well, in its beginnings, Wrap Night was a shared apartment, I guess a shared house with three different apartments in it. They were all friends, so each Thursday they would get together as a novelty and eat wrapped food, so burritos

or, you know, etc. Got it. That grew to a point where we no longer just eat wrap foods. Um, but that congratulations, those are the origins. Okay. Got it. Those are the origins. And I think we've, it's kind of stayed along because the, um, the friends are close. Um, and it's, it's a fun time. It's a great get together. You know, people from outside of town can come in. Um, so yeah,

I think a lot of people look forward to wrap nights. How many people attend wrap night? 10 to, occasionally it gets up to 20, but normally around 10 to 15 regulars. 10 to 15 regulars, all right, cool. And what night of the week is it? It's on Thursdays. Thursday night, and it is weekly? Mm-hmm.

As close to weekly as we can get it, yeah. And, John, how long has it been going on? Shoot, crap, two and a half years, three years? Two and a half years, I know. For someone who isn't 30, that feels like a long time. John, how did you—so were you in this original rap-eating communal living situation, this house that had three apartments in it? I was not, but two of my very close friends were. Okay, and that's how you got drawn into this thing?

All right. Yes. And you guys all wear jumpsuits and then have special hugging parties? Like, is it a cult thing? Basically, yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. All right.

Yep. So you got brought in there. And Anna, how long has this been going on? So he's right, about two and a half or three years. Right. Oh, that's right. And I was- Are you an original member?

Are you an orig- I was part of the impetus for this happening because one of the original members had invited me over to teach me how to make spring rolls. And that was the night that she decided. Excuse me for a second, Anna. Jesse, you want to move to Portsmouth, New Hampshire with me? Sounds nice. They have these spring rolls. They're just teaching each other to make spring rolls and having weekly communal parties.

Hanging out at their rocky, unpleasant beaches. Yeah, I could use a freshen up on my tattoo. All right. So a friend brought you over to teach you how to make spring rolls. That's an adorable first date. Did you marry him? No, it was a female friend that I did not marry, but she is my very close friend.

And she, I didn't actually make it to that, but because there was a huge snowstorm, another great thing about Portsmouth. And she invited over everyone in her building to do this and decided that she wanted to do it on a

weekly basis. Oh, nice. And so a tradition began that has been carried on for two years. And how did it start getting rotated out of the original location? So our really close friends that were hosting it went on the Appalachian Trail for a year. And they disappeared and they've never been found. Yes. No, it turns out they've been living in Argentina with their mistress. Okay, they went on the Appalachian Trail for a year.

So Rap Night needed a new home. And I love hosting parties. I love having people over. And since I had just moved back to Portsmouth, I didn't want this group of friends to break up. So I said, hey, we're moving rap night over to my place. So you really initiated rap night phase two. Yes. And you love hosting parties.

But can I specify, you love hosting the beginnings of parties, how things start getting down, when you guys start making dumplings together or whatever it is you're doing this time. And then when Anna just goes, I'm out of here. So I would say they typically start at 7 o'clock. Give me a timeline. All right, 7 o'clock p.m. 7, so people will arrive between 7 and 7.30, maybe 8 o'clock if they're running late. People will eat, socialize. I would say the people who have children, they might leave around 9 o'clock or so. People who live further away might leave 9, 9.30 or so.

nine o'clock or so people who live further away might leave nine nine thirty or so um then there will be a smaller group who will be left who um you know they may want to just socialize more they may want to enjoy a few more beverages with their friends they may not have anything to do in the morning um or people will want to play it like play a game or something you're talking about the fun people i understand yeah the The people Anna sticks me with. So I would say that somewhere in the arena of 9.30 to pre-10 o'clock will be where Anna reaches the wall. And she's like, okay, I'm going to go to bed now. The nights typically end, you know, 11-ish or so. So leaving you with an hour and a half of partying uh-huh

and she just goes into bed and anna is is what what hang on a second i will say some of it is unannounced where she'll just leave and some of it is announced like, OK, you know, I'm going to sleep now. And it's really the unannounced thing, stuff that I consider to be the most against party hosting etiquette. And are these friends who are sticking around? I mean, I know that you're all just one big group. Right. And, you know, and and there are no you're all one big rap making cuddle puddle. And there's no one. No, no one is higher than any other.

In this in this group. But are these your friends were sticking around late? Are the fun people your friends or are they Anna's friends? So I would say that they were people who knew me before they knew Anna. But I wouldn't say that she would say that she's not friends with these individuals. Anna, are the people who hang around after you go to bed, are they your friends or John's friends? They're both of our friends, but I would emphasize they are both of our best friends. I would emphasize they are both of our best friends. And I take it you're saying best friends in that context to convey best friends are people you can treat like garbage.

That's true. Right? I mean, that's the point you're making. Like, they're my best friends, so I don't really owe them anything and they don't care. No. I say they're my best friends and that I can be honest with them. But I emphasize that they're John's best friends because they want to hang out with John. So what would help your case, Anna, is if you said, yeah, these are John's friends. They just want to sit around and talk about the things they love, like John and Detroit and the White Mountains.

That's actually entirely accurate. Okay, there you go. Then you don't have to say it, Anna. And Anna, when you go into bed, what do you do? You watch something on Netflix? Well, I would like to say that while it's not a huge difference, I don't go to bed at 9.30. It is very calculated at 10 o'clock. I say, hey, guys, I'm tired. I need't go to bed at 9.30. It is very calculated at 10 o'clock. I say, hey guys, I'm tired. I need to go to bed. And for me, that's sort of the universal sign of party's over.

So I think at that point, everyone can leave. Or if John's hanging out having a beer and his friends are talking to him about Detroit and biking and hiking, then he is taking on the host responsibilities. Oh, no. But, John, do you want these? Are they, Anna, are they all dudes? No, it's a combination. It's a combo? All right. John, do you want these people to go around 10 o'clock?

Are you feeling like, oh, I would like to go to bed too, but I can't. They want to stay. Or are you having a good time? No, no. Quite the opposite. I'm having fun. And I would prefer that Anna continue to have fun with us. Sure. It's always great to force someone to have fun. Absolutely. So I have an excellent example, if you'll allow me.

I will allow it. So that was our last, I think it was last week or it was two weeks ago, our friend Lindsay had had her 30th birthday. And we had hosted Wrap Night. Milestone for Lindsay. Yeah, we had hosted Wrap Night as an event for her. And Anna, who is incredibly thoughtful and very creative, created a board game for Lindsay. Yeah. was incredibly thoughtful and very creative, created a board game for Lindsey with pictures, awkward pictures of our use, like the people in the group's use and pictures from like that awkward family photos site and created this board game from it. And at some point in the night, Lindsey, who's very close to Anna, you know, wanted to play

this game. There was a group of maybe seven or eight of us and we all sat down to Anna, you know, wanted to play this game. There was a group of maybe seven or eight of us. And we all sat down to play, you know, myself and some of the people who tend to stay later. And Anna was nowhere to be found. And we had all kind of assumed like, yeah, she just decided she wanted to go to bed, which was not the case. However,

I'm sure that Lindsay would have really loved for Anna to play this game that was created for her. Wait a minute. Let me make sure I understand this. Anna, you created a board game for your friend Lindsay? I did. Did you say, hey, I want to play this board game at the party? I did not.

No. Oh. I wanted to play. I certainly did. But I had spent so much time the night before making the board game that I was I was quite tired so you went to bed but you did not announce that you were going to bed you just snuck away and in that case I ended up just sneaking away for a little bit because I had to take a flight the next morning so I snuck away to throw some things in my bag and I did come back

but yeah so that was a different circumstance. Wait, so you went away and packed, and then you came back. And during the brief time that you were packing, they wanted to play the board game, and you weren't around to play it. Do I understand that correctly, John? This is a terrible example for your case. A terrible example for your case. Yeah, I didn't know that detail, that second detail about the flight.

But say she did come down to wish Lindsay a happy birthday again, for your case. Terrible example for your case. Yeah, I didn't know that detail, that second detail about the flight. But say she did come down to wish Lindsay a happy birthday again, saw us playing, and you certainly could have played the game at that point. Yeah, you didn't have

to be a jerk, Anna. Who won the game? I don't know that there was a winner. I forget how that game's played. Oh, no, actually, Nate won. Lindsay's partner won

huh you think you would let her win on her birthday but they had a fight that night when i played that game i always let my wife teresa win how much how how much prep goes into these parties when you're hosting? Anna? None. All right. It's a potluck, so it's very casual. As long as I have the door open, it's kind of all set. You don't get a bunch of uts and moxie just to give out to your friends?

Well, it depends on sometimes. I put in a lot of effort. And sometimes I put in a lot of effort. So I did a fondue party a couple of weeks ago and I got a chocolate fountain and three different pots of cheese fondue and filet mignon. And then I put in a lot of effort. But other times. And did you stay awake for that one or did you? I did because it has chocolate.

Come on. All right. And how and how bad is the cleanup, John? There is typically a lot of work, but people are very good about chipping in, doing some of the, you know, doing most of the dishes so that we're not stuck with all of them. Do you think this is an issue of justice or do you want Anna to have more fun? I would consider both. How does it make you feel when Anna excuses herself from the party?

Feel? I know. This may be the first time you've had... That's right. No, he's from Michigan. The most emotional state. The most emotional state of Michigan. Michiganders known for their fiery personalities. Oh, true. The most emotional state. The emotive state of Michigan. Michiganders known for their fiery personalities.

Oh, boy. Never ask someone from Michigan how they're doing because you will get a three-hour long monologue. How does it make you feel when Anna leaves the room? I feel deprived, if that makes sense. And I feel responsible at that point for ensuring people are having fun, for the duty of ending a party is very awkward at times. Hey, I want to go to bed at some point.

I can't have everyone up until 2 in the morning. I also have a professional job. There may be times where I would like to have done the same, but I'm not afforded that freedom if Anna takes the freedom to end the party first or leave the party first.

So you have no emotions about it i i am sad at that point yes all right uh do you think that it's possible that part of your pain in this matter is it is connected to you transitioning your life period from the party life period to the I have a job life period? That's actually coming up in a handful of days for me, too. Yes. Possibly. Because you're going to turn 30 years old?

That's correct. Yeah. I'm sure that feels like a milestone at your age. I'm happy to have gotten this far. Yeah, because you're hiking so many dangerous mountains and kicking rattlers off you or something? No, not quite. Anna, when you go into your room, leaving all your friends behind, and you close that door. Oh, that's a good point here.

There is no door. There is no door. What? Oh, that's a good point here. There is no door. There is no door. What? How did this not come up immediately? What's the layout of the apartment, Anna, quick?

So it's a two-story apartment, and I have the master bedroom upstairs, so there's stairs but no door. Okay, but it's an enclosed bedroom. It's not like a balcony hanging over the living room? No. All right. No, but it does open up to the kitchen where a lot of people congregate. So at the time where Anna goes to bed, usually everyone has to switch locations and go into the living room. Oh, okay. So it's having a real disruptive effect on the party. Yeah.

It's a party distortion. Correct. Uh-huh. All right. And when you climb up to your – where do you – wait a minute, John, where do you sleep? On the kitchen floor? If it would reduce my rent, sure. No, I have a bedroom in the back of the house or the apartment, I guess. And it does have a door and a bit more privacy. And what's the reason for the room assignments? That's a good one, Anna.

I think that's one for you to tackle. Anna, what's the reason for the room assignments? The upstairs is bigger and has more sunlight and has access to the roof deck. That's pretty sweet. And who pays more of the rent? We pay the same. Who found the apartment? I did.

All right. And then John moved in after how long had you been there? He moved in the same time as me, but I had been living there previously, moved out, and came back. Okay. And why did you guys choose to live together? Anna tackled that one, too. Yeah. My roommate was getting engaged and moving out, and I needed another roommate.

And John had talked about his desire to find a new place, so I just asked him if he wanted to be roommates. So Anna, when you go upstairs to your little private, beautiful, sun-decked retreat, leaving this smelly party behind you how do you feel like i'm ready for bed and what do you yeah i do you go straight to sleep or do you or do you read a book or do you you watch a little uh better call saul or something on your iPad? What do you do? I wish I could have a cooler explanation, but no, I need my eight hours. So I leave for my own betterment and for everyone else. No, I understand the reasoning for your leaving. But when you get up there, imagine that you have a door. And imagine you close that imaginary door. How does it feel – how do you feel emotionally?

Good, bad, great. Okay, good, great. Why? Because I just spent a couple hours with my friends. And now? It's my favorite day of the week. Okay, great. But you're putting it behind you. If you just felt great about spending time with your friends, you now? It's my favorite day of the week. Okay, great. But you're putting it behind you.

If you just felt great about spending time with your friends, you might not go up. If you're spending time with your friends was the thing that gave you

so much enjoyment, closing that imaginary door might make you feel a little sad. But if you, if you are really enjoying eating a chocolate bar and you finish the chocolate bar,

you're not going to necessarily be sad. You're leaving some of the chocolate bar on the table, ma'am. Yeah. You're not finishing the chocolate bar. There's a whole chocolate bar right there in the kitchen that has to move to the living room. I think I ate a lot of chocolate. I think I've had a really quality friend time, and then I'm ready for some quality sleep time. All right. I think I've heard everything I need to hear.

I am going to go into the walk-in closet that I'm currently paying $30 a month for in this apartment that we all share and lie down on the futon and think this over. I'll be back in a moment with my decision. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Anna, how are you feeling about your chances in the case? I think they're all right. I'm not sure which way the judge is going to rule, but I hope I made a strong enough argument. John, how are you feeling?

I feel great. John, get back in your chambers. You're supposed to be deliberating. Sorry. It's just there's no door in my room. We shouldn't have put this courtroom here in the kitchen. It's really the best room for it, though. It's the best light.

Yeah, it's a classic gathering place. John, how are you feeling? I like my chances here, Jesse. I really, I think the judge is going to side with me. It sounded like he, you know, was challenging Anna at times, which I think is good for my case. Well, we'll see what the judge has to say when we come back in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join.

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Rules and restrictions apply. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. You may be seated. First of all, I have decided that I'm going to record an album of party songs of my own. I'll never be the king of partying, Jesse. But I'm going to record some of my favorite songs to listen to at parties. A bunch of Cynthia Hopkins songs, I guess, and Jonathan Colton songs, and some Mountain Goat songs, some John Roderick songs. Wait, isn't this just a mixtape of songs by friends of yours?

Yeah, but I'm performing them, you see. Ah, gotcha. And it'll be a picture of me on the cover of the album friends of yours. Yeah, but I'm performing them, you see. Ah, gotcha. And there'll be a picture of me on the cover of the album, of the record album, wearing a smoking jacket and maybe a sailor hat because it's in tribute to Portsmouth, New Hampshire. And it's going to be called

Everyone Likes Hanging Out With John. Was that the phrase that I was trying to remember? Everyone likes hanging out with John. That's what we were talking about, John. Everyone likes hanging out with John. Everyone likes hanging out with Anna. Everyone likes hanging out with each other. It's goddamned adorable up there in Portsmouth, New Hampshire.

And I really want to come there and play you my new, go to one of these parties and play you my new record of party songs. Maybe they'll all be recorded – maybe they're all songs written by someone named John. You know what I mean? And I'm singing them. It's a good record. It's going to be a good one. into conflict here between the etiquette of throwing a proper party in the rules are a lot softer, more pliable. And someone peeling off early from a regular get-together, especially if it's a potluck, informal, and the host duties rotate around.

It's a very different deal. It's a younger kind of party, young time party. And as Jesse very adeptly pointed out, Jesse, you're the crux finder this time. I'm walking around going, where's the crux? Oh, what's the crux doing? And it was a little bit embarrassing too because we're both here in the studio together at MaxFun HQ. One of my favorite things to do is to broadcast while looking at Jesse here in this little hot room. And I didn't even see this crux lying right on the floor.

It was right there. Jesse reached over and was like, here's the crux. You guys are at a transition point in your lives from childhood to adulthood. So there's a lot of anxiety. And since neither of you are particularly in touch with your emotions, I'm going to tell you what you're feeling. This tradition of everybody getting together is a very late 20s-y thing. Let's get the gang together. All hang out. Some people are hooking up. Some people aren't hooking up. Some people are friends. Some people dated a few times.

Everything's very amorphous. But now you're getting a little bit older. You've noted that some of your friends have children. Everything's changing. This party is changing. This party, Rap Night, will not continue forever.

And some people can handle that well, and some people cannot handle it well. And if I were to say, you know, I had a poker game with some guys that I love very dearly still to this day. And we had a poker game that met, I think, every other week for 11 years with barely an interruption. And then enough dudes just got divorced or sad or were married or, you know, had children that it just couldn't work anymore. And it stopped. And I still love all these guys, but there are guys in the group who are still mad that we couldn't keep it going. Even though, you know, we're all just moving on in our lives. We're all just moving on in our lives. And if I were to guess, every night that Anna leaves the party a little early is a dark foreboding to you, John, that this party is coming to an end tonight and in the future. And I would also guess that every time

Anna goes upstairs and shuts the imaginary door and feels good, that's because she understands this party's come to an end. You guys, I adore you both, but you have no future together. You dated a few times times it's not for you you know you're not going to be living in this apartment

for how much longer into your 30s are you going to be sharing this apartment you're going to find people in your lives who are really you know who are going to you're going to find people in your lives. Maybe you'll start a family.

Maybe you won't. Right. But eventually this this very unstable cloud of friends is going to disperse. And you're going to be part of that. If you do find a spouse, then you will find someone that you can genuinely guilt into staying up with you in a room when you have friends over. One of the many benefits of marriage. But you're still – you to keep Anna in that room. That she is the instigator of the party and she does a lot of preparation. That doesn't really seem to be true. That there's a huge, massive amount of cleanup and she's dodging her fair

share. That doesn't seem to be true. That you just wish she would stay because you like her and you want her to have a good time, which probably would not have worked in your favor but would have moved me and made you seem like less of a weird Michigan automaton. None of those arguments are true. It is – you are equals living in a place where you split the rent. Anna has her life. She is growing up. You both have big boy and big girl jobs that you have to get to in the morning. And maybe you feel when Anna goes upstairs that you wish you had the resolve that she has as an adult to turn to your dumb hiking buddies and say, get out.

I want to go to bed too. And the thing is, John, you can say that. Especially when you turn 30. Boy, oh boy, do your eyes open. These friends, who cares? Who cares what they think? I think about you, Anna, going up there. I just want to go back to my, I'm staying

with some friends right now, but I just want to go back into that bedroom and watch a movie. So much fun, leaving a party early. Oh boy. You walk out of a party in your own house and you go up into your room and you watch an episode of, what's a TV show you like, Jesse, that you want to talk about on the air? Archer. Archer. It's the greatest. It's like getting a, it's like the greatest sick day of all time.

So you feel like you're listening to your parents having a dinner party and you're a kid again. Great feeling. That's what you should have said, Anna. Those are the feelings you should be having. When you guys get together at your next wrap party and realize, hey, just because we live in New Hampshire doesn't mean we can't have feelings. You can have those feelings. And John, when Anna goes upstairs, you can feel sad that this time in your life will eventually come to an end, but happy that it's still going on. eventually come to an end, but happy that it's still going on. And when you're ready for the party to end that night, or in general, it's okay for you to say, good night, guys, get out of my

house and take your garbage with you. That's fair. That's reasonable. And that's, I think, etiquette appropriate to the style of party and the style of friendship that you have. So now that I've been able to tell you not just who's right and what to do, but how to feel, I'm able to say, this is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Anna, how do you feel? I think maybe Judge John Hodgman should tell me, but that was fantastic. I am really happy with the ruling, and yes, I feel elated.

John, without any diversionary tactics, how do you feel? I'm a little touched, honestly. The lecture at the end kind of hit home for me, and I appreciate the judge's advice and his sage words about aging. I don't know if I get too teary-eyed, but I was staring out the window like, wow, that's good stuff Judge Well we wish you the best of luck. Thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman

podcast. Appreciate it Hello teachers and faculty this is Janet Varney I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast The JV Club with Janet Varney is part'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests

as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-R.

Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. All right, Jesse, I have to respond to some corrections. Oh, I love this segment of the show. I got a lot of...

Correction responses. I got a large number of emails pertaining... To your use of apostrophes on the show. I do get those, but this is one that I feel some of the corrections merit some attention. Now, before we begin, you know that Jesse and I take pride that this is a family-friendly show. This pertains to a docket-clearing episode in which we discussed canola, the crop that is cropped that shares its name with a terrible form of violence against women typically, but men as well. So if you don't want to hear this word, for whatever reason, I'm letting you know.

It did come up in the podcast and I haven't heard anything back from it since, but it does concern me. If you just turn off the episode now, all you'll miss is the credits and my plug for my show at the Combo Jazz Center on April 24th in Santa Cruz, California. That's right. So if you haven't figured it out, I'm talking about the

croplet that's grown that's called rapeseed, which is a very, very old term and is derived from the Latin rapae. So we should maybe just say rapae like rapier is rapier drawn from that word rape well rapier dictionary right you mean rapier like the sword yeah like the sword rapier i don't i don't know but i know that rapae is from turnip oh well that makes sense i mean it's a turnip like sword well no but the no, but the rapeseed is bitter, and it's part of the turnip.

The rapeseed plant is bitter, and it's part of the turnip and mustard and horseradish family. Here's the thing about the rapier, the sword, is like a turnip, it can only be used to poke. It can't be used to slash. Right, and it's not funny. You have to poke. Wait, that's a foil, not a rapier. A rapier is good for poking. No, a saber. What's a rapier. A rapier is good for poking. No, a saber.

What's a rapier for? Rapier? A saber is only for slashing. A rapier is for slashing and poking. And a foil. And a pen. Is a foil just the sport version? Oh, God.

Don't email me about this. I'm going to look it up afterwards, okay? We'll save that. That'll be our next correction. I'll have this all figured out for myself by the time you listen to this. OK, so the point is, in the last docket clearing episode, Sweet Relish, we adjudicate a case brought to this fake court by Bradley, who works in the canola, mustard and rapeseed breeding program. The University of Idaho supervisor wanted to name the most recent variety of canola after his own teenage daughter and his teenage daughter rejected this. And I concurred that while I personally would be honored to have a new strain of canola named after me, and it would

certainly be better than having a strain of rapeseed named after me, a young woman has the right to reject that honor from her father just as she has the right to reject her father's good advice and help of any kind. That's called being a teenager. In describing this case, much hay was made. It's a little grain humor. Do you get it? Sure, I got it. About the unfortunate association of rapeseed, which as I say derives from the Latin rapa for turnip, with that terrible act of violence. And I also told a little story about how I just heard about this town, and I thought it was in Idaho, that calls itself, has an old-timey sign,

that still calls itself Land of Rape and Corn. And I am here to tell you, I got that wrong. I got lots of letters saying that there is no town in Idaho, but rather there is a town in Canada. And that- of the North, the Idaho of the North, Corey Smith and Dan Taylor wrote in to correct me. And Sarah Hanna wrote in this letter, I wanted to share with you perhaps the most famous town motto in my home province of Saskatchewan, Tisdale. And it's not the land of rape and corn. It's Tisdale, Saskatchewan, Tisdale, and it's not the land of rape and corn. It's Tisdale, Saskatchewan, the land of rape and honey. Because that's what they raised there.

Right, sure. Okay. Tisdale, Saskatchewan, not named after a type of turnip. Named after comedian Bobby Tisdale. Weirdly, yes. Yeah. And he's never been there, but they worship him. Right.

They like his winning attitude. And it brought – I suddenly remembered where I had heard the story that I had misrepresented on the podcast. I actually heard it from Eric Johnson, who is an Albertan of Canada and an actor in the television show The Nick. And he and I have shared a scene or two in that. And he was telling me the story. I think I was telling him about the podcast. And he told me this thing about Saskatchewan and how there's this town Tisdale with this really unfortunate town motto. And I took it to be typically, you know, typical Albertan slander of Saskatchewan, you know what I mean? Because they hate each each other but it turns out to be true sarah also points out quote i know puns are generally displeasing

to the court i will add that other favorite saskatchewan town mottos okay include crake quote the friendliest place by a damn sight because they have a dam there. Right? And bigger, Saskatchewan, B-I-G-G-A-R. New York is big, but this is bigger. And, of course, the provincial capital of Saskatchewan is Regina. Now, the Saskatchewanis, that's true. That's true. And I won't say any.

I believe they're called Saskatchewites. Saskatchewites. That's racist. Thank you. I remember going into the Hotel Saskatchewan, which is the biggest hotel in Regina, after reporting on a story for the New York Times Magazine and saying to the young woman at the front desk, what is there to do in town? And she said, you might want to go across the street to the park. We're having our annual food festival. I said, really? She said, yeah, just look for the banner that says A Taste of Regina. And I stared for a long time at her And I stared for a long time at her because I could not tell whether she was making fun of me or whether Saskatchewan was making fun of her.

But it makes it place as much as much as the Albertans talk down Saskatchewan. It makes Saskatchewan very interesting because they're not dumb. They are doing this on purpose. This is pun smithy at a very high, very disruptive level. And while the court does abhor puns, except in the titles of cases, of course, if the Saskatchewanites are playing some weird long con on their provincial neighbors, I support it. However, many wrote in to admonish me and my quote punk butt, thanks Johnny B. Not the guy from the Jerky Boys, but a different Johnny B.

Last name, good. They wanted to admonish me that canola is actually the same thing as rapa seed, just by a different and more palatable name that they made up to market it. And this is not true. Okay. I got a lot of people yelling at me about this. Canola is a cultivar of the rapeseed plant, a distinct variety cultivated and propagated for distinct, desirable property. In this case, canola has much fewer glucosinolates, which is the pungent compounds common

to the mustard family of plants to which they both belong, and a lower uricic acid, which makes it more palatable to humans and less toxic to animals as grain feed. Canola was bred from rapeseed at the University of Manitoba, Canada, by Keith Downey and Balder R. Stephenson in the early 1970s and had a very different nutritional profile and much lower uricic acid. And according to the Canadian Canola Council, right?

Canola – and I'm quoting. I'm quoting the Canadian Canola Council here, Johnny B. Are you sure that you're not quoting the Civilian Conservation Corps? No. Canadian Canola Council. Look it up. In bold on their website, it says, canola is not rapeseed. And I go on to quote, while canola's origins were in rapeseed, the two plants are not the same.

Their nutritional profiles are very different. End quote, Canadian government. Now, Jesse, one last point. Yeah. Do you know why canola is called canola? I don't know. It is a shortened version of the words Canadian oil. I never knew that.

Some people think it's for Canadian oil. Some people, it's Canadian oil low acid. That's the OLA because it has the lower uricic acid. And if I'm mispronouncing uricic, eat it, you guys. I don't care. You can eat it. It's lower in uricic acid and if i'm mispronouncing uricic eat it you guys i don't care so you can't eat it it's lower in uricic acid right so yeah exactly so canadian canadian oil it's lit i had never known that so i'm i always appreciate you guys yelling at me i don't i don't appreciate it i hate it drives me crazy when I'm wrong, even more when I'm right. But it does allow me to learn some new things that are of pure delight for me.

I'm excited that you've identified this disruptive punnery going on in Canada. It's cheaper, but it also has a broader base. And I think over time, they'll develop the quality necessary to compete with and eventually drive out of business American punnery. I think we should get some venture capitalists on this. Yeah, I think they're leading the industry. So that town of Tisdale has that sign up for a reason. They know what they're doing.

But I would say following the canola model, just rename rapeseed to add can and call it canapé. Canapé. Yeah. And honey would be cahony. Cahony. The land of canapés and cahony. Or just coney. We have to wrap this show up, Judge.

Oh, John, here you are. Yeah. I found you. I had to go through the kitchen to get here. Yeah, sorry about that. I just figured I'd come up here and read some comics and go to bed. I just was feeling a little intense. I want to tell America something.

Okay. And specifically that portion of America that's within driving distance of Santa Cruz, California. Heard of it. So I'm talking about, I'm going to go with Palo Alto and points south. And then I'm going to go with Carmel and points north. Because if you're south of the Monterey Bay area, what are you doing? Besides surfing and going to Hearst Castle. Right.

You should be driving up to Santa Cruz to come see Jesse Thorne and Jordan Morris host the hit podcast Jordan, Jesse, Go. All right. I'll do it. April 24th, it's my birthday. Oh. John Vanderslice is going to be there, our friend from past live Judge John Hodgman program.

We're going to have all kinds of fun stuff and cool surprises. It's at the Kumbwa Jazz Center. Kumbwa Jazz Center. Kumbwa Jazz Center. Buy your tickets now and do not miss it. Where do I go to get my tickets? Just go to MaximumFun.org and find it in the events bar on the right hand side and click through.

How far is it from the Winchester Mystery House? Within easy access of both the Winchester Mystery House? Within easy access of both the Winchester Mystery House and what's the thing? There's a thing in Santa Cruz that's like that. The mystery spot? The mystery spot. The mystery spot. The mystery spot.

It's within hailing distance of both the Winchester House and mystery spot. Because I have pied-à-terre in both places. Oh, good. Excellent. Your pied-à-terre at the Winchester Mystery House is just a bricked-in room. That's why I usually stay over at the Mystery Spot. Yeah. Which is a leaning shack where gravity doesn't work the right way.

This week's case was named by David Rosenthal. Thank you, David Rosenthal. Thank you, David Rosenthal. If you want to name a future episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast, like us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter at Hodgman and at Jesse Thorne. And our thanks to the more than 5,700 people who supported Max Fund in the Max Fund Drive, as well as all of the other thousands more who continue their support at an existing level. Our show would not exist were it not for you. And we are so grateful for your support.

So thank you very, very, very much. And now go tell a friend. Yeah, that's the follow up. That's the homework assignment. Yeah. You probably have extra credit. You have extra credit. Yeah.

You have a favorite episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm sure my personal favorite, as we all know, is the Bat Brothers. Yes, sir. There's no doubt it will always be the closest to my heart. They're all my favorite, and I recommend all of them. But I'm sure that you have, you, the listener, have a favorite episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I would ask that you share it personally with two people. And if there's another Max Fun show that you prefer to recommend or comes to your mind,

it's not going to hurt me personally if you recommend that, because I probably won't ever find out. Yeah. I mean, unless the person that you're sharing it with is Judge Hodgman. Yeah. In which case, you should probably get some closer friends. Yeah. If you're sending me an email saying, hey, I want to send you my favorite episode.

I want to see my favorite episode of my favorite Max Fun podcast. That's the subject line. And you send me a link to the Flophouse. Yeah. You are going to hear me scream all the way from the Winchester Mystery House. Well, that's because of your red hot rivalry with the Flophouse. People are, you know, Michael Lewis? Yeah, sure, the celebrated nonfiction author?

Yeah, he's writing a book about our rivalry. Really? It's called An American Rivalry. Wow, is he going to impose a thrilling narrative on the facts of the situation? Well, this is the one time where he doesn't have to because it's already so hot. Right, it is red-hot. I mean, when you get Stuart Wellington, Elliot Kalin, and Dan McCoy. Yeah, who are those guys?

That's the hosts of the Pop House, Judge Hopper. Oh, I don't even know their names. Oh, good. That's how much I hate them. Oh, rivalry. Coming for you, Kalin, McCoy, and the other guy. I like this new controversy thing that we're going to be the new WTF. We got to get Gallagher in here to say something racist.

It's not manufactured. Our show will take off. Actually, you know what? Honestly, it's not manufactured. I love Elliot Kalen. I love Dan McCoy. I make a joke out of never remembering Stuart Wellington's name. They're all great guys.

Incredible. Two of them are incredible writers for The Daily Show. And they're very fine people. And the show is very, very funny. But they're late to this game. They came out swinging. They got a huge audience. Granted, they started their show before we started ours, but continue.

Is that so? Yeah, I think so. Oh, really? Yeah, their show's been going for quite a long time. It only joined Maximum Fun recently. No, I know that, but I don't think that it predates Judge John Hodgman. Is that so? I think it does. Oh.

I'm not certain of that. Well, that would change your rational mind, but I'm still... I'm still... I'm still irrationally and genuinely jealous of those three nerds who never have to talk to another human except themselves. To be fair, they did have to watch the movie A Talking Cat. It ends with it.

The title ends with an interrobang. Oh, no kidding. A Talking Cat. than in Tarot Bang. Oh, no kidding. A talking cat? Hmm. Well... Whatever your favorite

MaxFun podcast is, recommend it to two friends this week. Yeah. That's the project. Two friends. And you know what? Recommend me a flop house

I should listen to. I really like the one about a talking cat. Maybe I'll listen to it and give you my review. It's fun if you want to hear people say, a talking cat

over and over. I'm going to do a new podcast. It's called Talking you want to hear people say, a talking cat over and over? I'm going to do a new podcast. It's called Talking Flophouse. And I'm going to listen to the podcast. I'm going to listen to their podcast. Then I start recording. And

I'm not going to have fun guests. I'm not going to have any banter. This is going to be me yelling. Not screaming, but you know, griping for 45 minutes. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. We're back with Talkin' Flophouse. No! MaximumFun.org

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