Judge John Hodgman - The Duality of Jean

Episode Date: April 13, 2022

Guest Bailiff Jean Grae returns to The Court to clear the docket! Spring is here. We've got (spring) cleaning disputes, cases about flowers, and seasonal allergy related sneezing! 

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I am your judge, John Hodgman. What am I doing? Why isn't Jesse Thorne talking? Well, because today we have a very special guest bailiff, our friend, Jean Gray. Hi, Jean. Hello. I am also, I'm everyone else's judge, not just yours. You are the judge, the all-seeing judge of all. You're not a bail judge. You're the all-seeing judge of all. Yeah. You're not a bailiff. You are an equal in this tribunal of judgment. Well, no, no, no. I can be a bailiff.

I'm just saying I am also judge of all. It has nothing to do with this show. I'm just very judgy. You are. Absolutely. I hope that I can live up to your judgment. Oh, you always do. You do.

I try. I would let you know if you didn't. I was like, how does Jean feel about... I wonder how Jean would judge me making this delicious broth. What's the broth? I'm having my afternoon broth. Boy, we are old, huh? Let's just. I need a little nourishing broth in the afternoons, Jean.

That's what I said. I said we're old. I've been really into this handashi. Oh, it's really, yeah, it's great. Good for you. You know what I'm talking about. I do. I have it in the cabinet.

It comes in a little. So dashi, of course, is kind of catch-all term for any Japanese nourishing broth. You can make it with kombu seaweed. You can make it with bonito flakes. Bonito flakes. Han dashi is like the Nescafe moments of dashi. Do you have the little tear open packet? I don't have it in packets.

I have it in a little jar. It comes in a very satisfying little jar. Oh, good for you. When you're working through as much powdered dashi as I am, you need the jar. Did you get this dashi at H Mart? Do you go to H Mart? I did not get it at H Mart. Do you know where I got it, Jean?

Where? It's funny because I- Is this a Park Slope small store? I live in Park Slope, Brooklyn, and Mr. and Mrs. Lee run a store, which is terrific, right across 7th Avenue. And it used to be called B&H Groceries. I don't know what those initials were for. And fur. That's how I talk now.&H Groceries. I don't know what those initials were for. Fur. That's how I talk now. Fur.

I talk like a... I don't know if they were fur. I talk like a character from Oklahoma. I don't know what they were for. I know that I know that's as high as a building ought to go. Everything's up to date in Kansas City. They've gone about as fur as they can go.

Oh boy. They got themselves a skyscraper seven stories high no let me stop right there let me let me stop no no no no no no no no i've been judged lacking no it's not you it's just musicals no on all musicals you know what i'm i simultaneously love musicals and hate musicals but because that's your whole human being. That's what a human being does. Yeah. Loves and hates musicals. The duality of gene.

But what about the dashi at the store? What? B&H. B&H Groceries, where they have wonderful products from around the world. Many years ago, they redid the entire place. They bought the next storefront. They expanded. Good forfront. They expanded. They renovated.

They put up a new awning with a brand new name. What's the name? And I've mentioned it on the podcast before, but I'll say it again. It's called The Bad Wife. And people said, Mr. Lee, why is it called The Bad Wife? And he kind of shrugged. He's like, I don't know. It's for like,

if a husband or wife has forgotten something for dinner, they can stop by and get, and get their dashi at the last minute. And now it's something that you don't see. You don't even see in the neighborhood anymore because everyone loves the bad wife, but it is called the bad wife. And every now and then you remember,

Oh, this store is called the bad wife. every now and then you remember oh this store is called the bad wife that's weird so you know in 2022 um and just my feelings in general in my body and my brain and my experience i'm supposed to be like that's not cool but honestly that's very funny it's a great name they sell i think-shirts. I think it's hilarious. Good for them. They sell t-shirts. It's their business. Yeah.

They've been with each other. They thought it was funny and they went that far. And I love anyone who's like, yep, that's it. That's what we're doing. As I say, you stop seeing it after a while such that over the holidays when they started selling it. Like racism. Okay. after a while such that over the holidays when they started like racism okay i told you it was

gonna get dark today fair hit fair hit you just stop saying it it's just you're like that's normal yeah they have t-shirts that say the bad wife on them and i was like i'm gonna get those for my whole family and i'm like wait a minute like the whole family do they have children's sizes of course they do no okay of course they have hats but i can't send what they don't have hats like tote out odds park slope they got tote bags i'm sure they have totes yeah i'm sure they have totes i'm sure the t-shirts are like made out of the tote bags but they have uh on dashi yeah Yeah. They've got sardine, powdered sardine dashi there. I do an anchovy broth, but I do that for my steamed eggs in my stone pot. Whoa.

Yeah. I've gone very far into some great cooking. You've gone down the salty water route. Yes, I have. And it's been a great time. I pep my dashi. If it's not salty enough, I add a little soy sauce and a little sriracha. I'm going to send you a list of all the condiments that are currently in my kitchen.

There's a lot going on and a lot that you can put in that dashi. Any dried chilies? Any fresh chilies you put in there? No, but I'll try that. Fried chilies? Any fresh chilies you put in there? No, but I'll try that. Just cutting up some fresh ginger, like slices of ginger, and just let it cook a little longer than normal is so lovely.

That's very nourishing and good for the tum-tum, I would imagine. Settling to the stomach. Yeah. And ginger's just good for you. Before we get into the docket, I'll tell you another story. Speaking of settling the stomach and racism i went to boston you know what when i think of boston i'm like if you can stomach racism other places you think you can stomach and if it's like if you're like i'm okay with that boston is a good

place to go to feel like upset in your stomach about racism well did we encounter some casual racism in boston of course we did does every cab driver in boston presume that you're a racist and therefore you want to talk about it yes yeah no but i got a stump i got a stomach bug this is just a genuine stomach oh yes not covet local college and i was like on the tour and the there's not a this is an urban campus so there's no it was not like that we were walking around on beautiful that's racist that's racist do you mean black do you mean a black campus because that's the word that's the word that people i know that's the word. That's the word that people like to use. I know. That is a code word.

Oh, you just meant the city. Oh, you just meant the city. I just meant that this is a college. I was like, your son is going to go to an HBCU in Boston? What? 2022 is wild. He's going to a historic black college and or university that is in Boston. Wow. I'm so proud.

A lot going on. I'm so proud. No, I just, I got a stomach bug and during the middle of college tour, I had to throw up. And it's like, you know, when you're, when you're raising a human to replace you, which is what parenting is. That's why I don't have kids. I don't want anybody replacing me. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out out of here like there are two things that you hope for one you hope that they become self-sufficient and two you hope that you don't vomit in front of them during

their college tour and one of those dreams came true. Did you exit? Yes. Like, okay. So you vomited on your own. It wasn't like. Well, we were up in this building, like on the eighth story of this building. Oh, geez. On this city campus. And I was like, when are we going to another building so I can go find a quiet garbage can or an alleyway or something.

Because I wasn't allowed to use the facilities in there. Because it was black? Because of COVID. Oh, no, that makes sense. That's the other thing. One thing you definitely do not want to do is vomit in front of your child on a college tour during COVID. Because even though tummy trouble is,

is not a common symptom of, of COVID doesn't look good. It does not any, any ounce of a slight show of weakness. Yeah. And people are like, what, what's that?

What's wrong with you? No, I would have. So anyway, your dream is that your child becomes self-sufficient and that you don't vomit in front of them on their college tour. One of those dreams came true because as we were moving from one building to another, I just said, I gotta, I gotta go.

I gotta go. You have to do this on your own. And to his credit, he was like, yep, no problem. And he turned right and I turned left and immediately yacked on the streets of Boston, which is frankly what the streets of Boston deserve. I mean, yeah. Streets of Boston. I love Boston. Sorry about that. It's my hometown. Then you got to throw up in your hometown. You just left a little bit of you. You got to hear like here is a little bit of me. What I did was I spring cleaned myself because it is spring. Spring has sprung, Jean. not really you're you're am i allowed to reveal

where you are in the depths of hell baltimore maryland oh nothing against you baltimore just my own personal hell but yes i'm sorry to hear that well and baltimore is this is the city that reads the charm city yeah i read lots i've bought a lot of books since i've been in a lot of bookstores too is it springtime in baltimore is anything blooming well yeah see the issue is that the earth is confused um so like our grass is coming up and like the trees are sprouting and there's like a couple of little blooms and then i feel like they all come out and they're like hey everybody what's i'm a little cold does anybody have some small jackets or are we early i feel like we're on time should we drive around the block a few times

okay we'll just wait okay um so things are, but it's still, you know, it's up and down. And New York and Baltimore basically have the same weather until we start to get a little bit deeper into the summer. But this year in particular, it does feel that the earth is confused. It's like it does not want spring to happen, does not want to get warm. Does not want to wake up. No. And I think it's going to go hard and fast. We're going to delve into the tropical monsoon summer that we're going to live on the Northeast. Well, Jean, in times past, there was a time when trees would bud and birds would come around and tweet. And maybe you'd take a carpet out and you'd beat it. I did. Beat a carpet. Have you ever beat a carpet? I do. I have rugs that I have to do that with because I like a good rug. So I got to take them outside.

Is that part of your spring cleaning routine? No. Maybe like every four months. Oh, wow. Yeah. But I was like, this should be part of the spring thing. So I did do that. Yeah. I took my rug outside when I was in college and I lived on Edgewood Avenue in New Haven, 16 Edgewood Avenue.

Hey, everybody, if there's anyone who knows who lives there at 16 Edgewood Avenue, I want back in. I want to see my old room. And it was terrifying. There's so much stuff came off of that rug. It is. Yeah. Also, because I grew up in new

york and it was always like you got to take the rug outside and beat the rug and i was like where where do you want me to do that out the window right what so it's nice to finally be able to do that and i'm like oh there's been so much stuff just settled in there um so as part of spring cleaning it's a great effort if you can take if the place that you live in allows you the ability to take your rug outside you know what that you know what that dust is right people it's people it is people yeah when our neighbors in our building left for a long period of time because of world events and went to a different place, they asked us if we would look in from time to time and make sure everything was not burning or whatever. Yeah. And they finally said, we're going to come back.

And the woman who I'm married to, who's a whole human being in her own right, said, I'll go and clean it up. And she went over there and it had been months and months. There was nothing to clean. There was zero dust. Do you know why? No humans. No people. It's just dust is humans, everybody.

You got to exfoliate. Well, I don't have a choice, do I? Anyway, this is the time of year when we get our human residue out of our carpets and we hope you know uh knock the dust out of our minds a little bit i hope so that would be nice that would be nice one last thing i just love talking to you jean gray i know that we've got some justice to dispense here but one more thing i wanted to ask you about because i was just saying i want to go back to the house i lived in in the early 90s i know we're here in connecticut you just went back to where you grew up yeah which is where tell the people um i grew up in the chelsea hotel which just reopened um and i've been keeping

uh an eye on them uh are you haunting this hotel gene i yeah no i like a live haunting and um i like you know haunting my old my old neighborhood and my and my old the old place that i grew up in uh so they were under renovations for a very long time uh some people stayed i was not one of those people um i left in 2012 so i guess it was like 10 years since i'd actually been in the building um yeah my my mom was still there so that's right around the time when you and i met you had just must have just moved out yeah i didn't realize that it was a bit it was because i knew you grew up there i just didn't realize you still had no my mom my mom and my brother stayed there like that you know you know you leave your childhood home and then your parents like they're still there um but yeah i got to uh

and then they shut down your childhood home and yeah into a boutique hotel into a boutique hotel um so yeah i stayed stayed and it was. For listeners who don't know, the Chelsea Hotel, when you were living there, sorry to interrupt. Yes, no problem. The Chelsea Hotel is in New York City. That was a residential hotel where it was primarily known for the artists and writers who lived there. The counterculture. Your mom, who is no longer living uh was an incredible uh

jazz singer and performer um uh and then sid vicious also i guess and also sid vicious and also sid vicious also sid vicious and janice joplin you know you know andy warhol and and and all and yeah and we moved in in 1977 so it was full-on swing the chelsea hotel um uh kids that grew up there like my mom's friend viva her daughter is gabby hoffman um so we're the same age so there was a lot of like kids growing up there um i keep an eye on it because uh i'm actually writing something'm actually writing something that takes place in 1977 at the Chelsea. So going back there and wanting to be like, I'm trying to really claim all of my New York stuff that my rap history has sort of taken away from me. For some reason, everyone thinks I'm from Brooklyn

and I never said I was from Brooklyn. And I think the idea that because I happen to look like me and do that music, that the assumption, even though I've always said I'm from Manhattan, is this weird idea to be like, right, Brooklyn. You had to have been from Brooklyn. There's no way. There's no way. There's no way that you grew up in the Chelsea Hotel. Right. Is this weird idea to be like, right, Brooklyn. You had to have been from Brooklyn. There's no way. There's no way.

There's no way that you grew up in the Chelsea Hotel. Right. In Manhattan. So yeah, it's weird to go to your childhood home. Well, Jean, we do have a lot of spring cleaning and springtime and cleaning and floral related disputes here, starting with a case, I believe, from Mike. Is that correct? This is. There is a case from Mike. I'm looking for an injunction on my wife, Mallory, for leaving chapsticks in her pockets. This has ruined multiple pieces of clothing over the years. Anytime I remove a clean load from the dryer and see a chapstick,

I know we've just avoided disaster. Her argument is that I should be checking pockets of all clothing before each load of laundry. My argument is that the burden of chapstick removal should fall on the user of the chapstick. Thank you for considering my case. Jean, you know our friend Paul F. Tompkins. I do. All right, I'm going to make reference to a Paul F. Tompkins bit. This is a Paul F. Tompkins bit. Alert, alert, this is a Paul F. Tompkins bit. You know how he has this bit where anytime he reads a phrase that tracks to the song

Girlfriend in a Coma by the Smithiths he has to sing it in other words chapstick in her pockets i know i know it's serious that's a paul f tompkins bit everybody go check out paul f tompkins and all his things that's an homage to paul f it's a good friend plug well i also don't want paul f tompkins to get mad at me. That's no fun. But this is chopsticks in your pockets in the laundry. This seems fairly serious to me. To you too, Jean? I'll tell you what.

I need something to happen once until I'm like, all right, that's a problem. And yeah, I haven't left a thing like chapsticks, as I'm putting the emphasis on the second syllable. Like chapsticks, but a long time ago, I left a lipstick and it was an expensive lipstick and that was terrible. And paper. I hate leaving paper in pockets. So I am a turn out all the pockets. You know why? Because I'm the one doing the laundry. Right. Okay. And you're doing your own laundry. And others. And others. Because that's what this comes down to is that Mike feels that Mallory should be responsible for taking those chapsticks out even when mike is himself doing the laundry sure you're

just double checking just double checking just double check that's it sure mallory sure sure mallory should do it but she might not have yeah this comes down to a very highly contested issue on judge john hodgman a few months ago with regard to cleaning the lint screen or the lint trap or the lint filter. First of all, everyone wanted to have a fight over whether it was called the lint screen, the lint trap, or the lint filter. I call the lint thing. And whose responsibility is it to clean that lint thing, given that it will start a fire if you don't clean it regularly. Yeah. And some people felt very strongly you have to clean it immediately after you have finished your laundry

so that the next person doesn't have to do it, especially in a shared laundry room situation. I guess so, yeah. And then other people, including your judge, felt, no, you've got to clean it yourself. You've got to clean it before every load. As the screen itself says, clean before every load. Oh, I feel like that's the end to that argument.

I'd be like, the instructions. I mean, but also, first off, is it that big of a deal to just, like, how much work are you against doing that you're like oh oh my this if you are physically unable to do it we're not just like unwilling then i understand but just like just to take it out to peel off the lint and put it back in my argument my argument was like why would i why would i want someone to rob me the weird asmr pleasure i take in sharing that lint away also that very satisfying though that's also probably mostly humans human human cells human dust it is i i collect uh i'm collecting them and i'm gonna sew them all together make a nice little leather jacket

little dusty leather jacket a little springtime jacket little linty jackie little linty jackie linty jacks that's my new store it's right next to the Bad Wife in Park Slope. Come see us. Linty Jack's. Linty Jack's Windbreakers. I would go in that store no matter what. I don't even want to know what it's about. You don't want to know what it's about. And then it says that in parentheses under Linty Jack's. You don't want to know. Yeah.

What it's about. No. Oh, I love that idea. All the Windbreakers are free they're free just take them we on the judge sean hodgman podcast we have settled law which is be mindful of the work you leave for others and a lot of people threw that in my face it's like they cleaned off that lint screen of that judgment and threw it in my face because by me saying no the person who is doing the laundry now should clean the lint screen not the the, you know, do it for yourself. Don't do it for the next person.

Yeah. And they were really, they're like, but you're leaving work for others. Shouldn't you be mindful of it? It's like, yes, being mindful doesn't mean you never leave work for others. Because the fact is the only responsible way to run the dryer is to make sure that the lint screen is clear. It's your job. It's your job. It's your stuff.

It's your clothes. Just check it. Yeah. And's your clothes. Just check it. Yeah. And you know what? Just do it. The imperative of disaster, both in the lint screen and the lipsticks and the chapsticks, overrides that it's more fair if the person with the chapstick takes the chapstick out. It's like fairness isn't important here.

Safety is. Sorry, Dean. I interrupted. No, no. you're you're 100 right that was it just thank you just be mindful it's not it's just do it yeah does it really matter does it really matter who it is as long as it gets done mallory you should take the chapsticks out of your pockets by the way i'm like there's a lot of things you can put on your lips these days i'm glad there's still some people living in 1981 putting on chapstick.

I tell you what, I'm glad we got to talk about it because I'm excited that she has chapstick and I'm excited that she has multiple chapsticks. I miss chapstick. It's out there. You can still get it. I could. I don't. They keep it next to the clove and lavender flavored chewing gum.

Like it's old school. You buy it because that product packaging looks amazing. You're like, I like cloves. And then you put it in your mouth and you chew it and you pretend like you love this. And it is horrible. It is horrible. And the gum is hard to chew. Do you think maybe that, I mean, I know that I'm not supposed to know what it's about, but do you think Linty Jack's is all about selling products like chapsticks and clove flavored gum?

No. And old, like, Zagnuts and old weird stuff? I think that's your store that's next door to Linty Jack's. Linty Jill's? It's called Linty Jill's. It's kind of a spite store because it has nothing to do with, it has no Lint products. I'd never want to take away from Linty Jaxx. It's kind of a spite store because it has nothing to do with the, it has no lint products. I'd never want to take away from Linty Jaxx. I would want, listen, if we are going to be friends and we are going to make money and

we don't open spite stores next to each other, then what have we done, John? I'll tell you something, Jean. There are many, many unrented storefronts throughout the city of New York. There are many, many storefronts that are empty. And there's a reason for it, because landlords are greedy. And they would rather not rent to someone for a fair price than hold it open for a bank that will eventually come in and pay them too much. Yeah. bank that will eventually come in and pay them too much yeah but in a perfect world if we had a run down seventh avenue the bad wife linty jacks and spite store that's the name of my store

side by side storefronts i've always wanted a storefront let me tell you i'm making good money there's gonna be some more i don't have children. Where is this? I'm not going to take the money with me. What else am I doing with it? Open Lindy Jack's. I'll pay for the Spite store. I'll pay for both stores. No, you don't. I can pay my own way. Your own Spite store?

All right. Out of Spite. Oh. Cut off my nose to spite my face. I went to the storefront for so long when there was an old school laundry on 7th Avenue called Laundry Center. I know. I know. It had a beautiful, beautiful sign and they closed. And this is before I knew you. So I said to Jonathan Colton, we should rent Laundry Center and turn that into our office. We just sit there and make our stuff and do our things.

Oh, that's so good. Do you not change? Just everything i love it and the motto would be this is jonathan's joke now i'm gonna i'm gonna steal another joke from a funnier friend jonathan's like yeah and our motto will be the center will not fold let's move on mark take those chapsticks out of the pockets. If you're doing the laundry, just do it. Just do it. Just make sure. Mike.

Got to make sure. Mike, sorry. But also, if Mark is there, you could do it too. I don't know what's going on with your relationship. Do whatever you want. You want to do the second one? Yeah, let's do it. Okay.

We got a case from Hunter. Hunter says, I live with three roommates in Portland, Oregon, where cans have a 10 cent deposit. We use a lot of cans, enough that we can redeem them for 15 to $20 every few weeks. My roommates. Yeah. Generally they're there. I don't know what they're, what's in those cans.

What, what you got in those cans? Hunter isn't saying we have a lot of beverages in cans. He just says we use a lot of cans. We use. I don't know what that means. I don't know what's, it's vague. Sounds freaky. It's Portland too.

My roommates generally throw their cans in the trash, but they will occasionally use the can return bin I made because they're in Portland. So he made it. Come on. This is not surprising. It's probably made out of cans. This leaves me to pick the recyclables out of the trash and return the cans myself. Here's where it gets sticky. That's not what he said.

That's what I said. My roommates claim that they are entitled to some portion of the deposit money or even items purchased with the deposit money, such as pizza, as they paid the deposit initially. But I feel that they have no right to the money as they rarely put cans in the bin. They also never assist with returning them. Help me, Judge. What should be done with our collective can fund so much to unpack where do you want to start gene hunter made his own recycling bin i i want to know if he's just saying that he made uh he designated a bin right or that he made the bin

or he crafted it and crafted out of rec. And lint. And copper brads. And chapsticks. And chapsticks. $15 to $20 a week. At $0.10 a can. What? Look, I don't do math anymore. Couldn't do that math.

Someone do that math. That's 200,000 cans a week. You know what I love? When you get to a certain age, you're just like, yeah, no, I mean, that sounds about right. Right. That's a lot. That's a lot of can through. And I mean,

let's just keep, let's just, let's just look. Maybe they live in the apocalypse. We could poke, we can, we can speculate as to their lifestyle in so many ways, but ultimately this does come down to simple fairness.

Yes. If Hunter's the one returning the cans, shouldn't he get to keep the money? Yes or no, Jean? Yes. Right. If they took turns returning the cans, then what? Then we talk about splitting it.

But as the actual work to retrieve the money and also the whole setting up of the thing, they could do it themselves. They could make their own bins and put their own cans in that and then get their own money. That's right. That's not his problem. So, I mean, there could be a situation. I'll give you this, Hunter's roommates. It could be that every one of you is drinking 2,000 cans of LaCroix a week.

Or maybe, you know what? Jean, you know what I bet it is? I don't want to be scandalous here, but because it's Portland, it could be beers. Could be four roommates drinking beers in Portland, Oregon, like it's 1999 or something. Yeah, you guys

need to talk to someone. It's a lot. You could all be returning your own cans and getting your own money if you're not even throwing it in the bin. Or even if you are, it takes work to go and return those recyclables. Hunter gets that money. Right, Jean? Get that beautiful bean money.

Roll that beautiful bean footage. We're going to take a break to hear from this week's partners. We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket. I'm here with Jean Gray on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites.

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Get up to 60% off at Babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. This week, we're clearing the docket and hearing springtime cases. Jean, we have some disputes about flowers. Jean, will you read the first one to me, please? Yes, I will. It's very close to my heart.

And it's an alliteration. It's a case from Andrew in Anchorage. I don't know that we've ever had a case from Anchorage, Alaska. Hello up there. Andrew from Anchorage, Alaska. Hello up there. Andrew from Anchorage, Alaska. Very nice. Well, Andrew says, my wife likes to grow flowers from bulbs indoors in pots. I love having live flowers grow in our house.

She will either grow lilies or paper whites on our kitchen counter. The lilies are colorful, pretty, and interesting to look at. The paper whites are boring, and they smell terrible. There have been many times I've gone into the kitchen and smelled something gross, and after looking around to see if there was spoiled food in the fridge, or if the garbage needs to be taken out, I remember. It is the boring, stinky white flowers. Please make my wife stop growing gross, stinky, boring flowers in our kitchen.

Wow. We do not have a lot of plants in our home. My wife, who is a whole human being in her own right, has an oxalis plant. Oh, nice. Which I find to be creepy because the leaves close during the night and then they open during the day. And that's a little bit more... Plant movement than you want. Yeah.

We don't have any flowers. Do you know anything about these paper whites, Jean? Do you grow flowers in your house or in your garden? I did. I have grown flowers in an outside garden to varying degrees of success, but that is because it was New York and New York soil and I was doing my best.

Plants and herbs I do inside. You know what New York soil is primarily made out of? People. And? Poop. Pizza. Oh, no. This is true.

It's a fact. It's on New York's Wikipedia. You can look it up. I like a fresh cut flower in the house. I normally have a lot of white tulips. I do white hydrangeas. If they're out of everything, I'll do roses, but I'm not a huge roses fan. um and on the things that i i i thoroughly enjoy uh tulips just white tulips and lilies but lilies are very toxic to cats so i am very limited because of littles um on the amount of

yeah right on the kinds of plants that we can keep in the house i have a lot of plants they have to go up high only some of them can stay lower down because he does like to chew a plant. So my flower growing indoors is limited because I do not want littles to die. No, you want littles to live. Yeah. And paper whites are terrible.

How come? Well, they're actually very divisive. I didn't know that. It's the scent of them, which I, as, and I'll talk about scents for a second afterwards. Please. But it can kind of sort of be like a cilantro issue where they're not really, they don't really smell like that to everyone. But the people that they do, it does smell like a stinky plant. And it's not something that you want around.

But it doesn't affect everyone in the same way. Interesting. And I think you know why. I think you know why. Why? I think I don't know why. Wait a minute. I thought I knew why.

Yes. Here is, all right. Look, I did some research i went to a a website a blog that is for some place called longfield gardens i hope they're a good company this blog was written december 3rd 2019 by kath la liberte which is a pretty cool name. Sounds like a fake name. Headline, paperwhite narcissus, sweet or smelly. Yeah. And Cathla Liberté, if that is indeed their name, writes that the naturally produced biochemical that gives paperwhite narcissus their distinctive fragrance is called indole, I-N-D-O-L-E.

Indole, yeah. Indole, is that what it is? I think it's Indole. Indole. Let's say, I trust you. Y'all are going to tell us if we're right or wrong. Yeah. They're all going to write us letters that are saying it's pronounced and then they'll

just spell out Indole and we're like, that doesn't help. Thank you so much. Other plants that also produce Indole include gardenias, which definitely have a very distinctive smell, jasmine, and orange flowers. Yeah. The biochemical compound indole catholic liberty rights is found throughout the natural world in various things catholic liberty gives a list i'm going to read the list in reverse order because i know where this is going already kale indole

is found in broccoli indole is found in body odor indole is found in decaying animals and then feces yeah poop smells like poop now listen the issue is poop or things that smell animalistic or funky or just have that or earthy but very specifically specifically, like when someone's like, oh, that's stinky. It normally falls in like that, that animal or, or poop range. But even in the perfume world, as I, I'm a person who likes a little bit of funk in their perfume. I like something animalistic and it makes makes things, when surviving within everything else, when it becomes part of a big smell song, you know, part of that orchestra,

it makes it more complex. And that's things like civet, like ambergris, like castoreum. Okay. But those are also very polarizing perfumes, you know. Right. But yeah, indole is used in perfume. It's that very kind of stinky, funky, let's get down sort of smell. If you ever want to smell anything that really takes you to that place, you can try The Night.

I advise you get a sample of it because you're probably going to spend about $1,000 to buy the bottle. It's called The Night. It's called The Night. It's a Frederic Malle fragrance, but it's made by Dominic Ropion, who makes some of my favorite things. He makes one of my favorite perfumes, La Vieille Belle, but he also did a portrait of a lady, Flower Bomb. You guys might know what I'm talking about, but it's called The Night. um you guys might know what i'm talking about but it's called the night and it was the one i had i had to buy a sample of it because the reviews of it were like this smells people the adjectives it was like barnyard a lot of it was barnyard and then a lot of it was goat, like inside of a goat's butt.

It's just like a dead cow being dragged through a marketplace at 3 a.m. Oh, my goodness. And I was like, I need to know. And as someone who loves like that, I love a little bit of civet in a fragrance. I think it makes it beautiful. Man, you got to smell this. You got to smell this. Watch any review.

Watch anyone on YouTube just trying it. Okay. Like it's not the aversion that someone would have to paper whites, but I think smell is so delicate for everyone. And yeah, it can be a big deal. There's other good flowers. There's other good white flowers she could grow in the house by bulb. Yeah, I think I feel you leaning towards judgment in Andrew's favor favor that andrew's wife should stop growing the paper whites because they smell like poop to him yeah what would you recommend as a as another

as an alternative if you were gardenia and jasmine is off maybe not maybe i don't i think well if people find no um not necessarily. I think sometimes people find paper whites divisive and jasmine not so much. Jasmine's a lot sweeter. But it's definitely going to make the whole house smell. Try a little bit. Try a little jasmine. All right, get some other flowers, Andrew's wife. Okay, we got another one from Josh.

Before my now wife, Eliza, and I were dating, we corresponded over AOL instant messenger. Remember that? As friends. I lived in New Jersey and she lived in Washington, D.C. After many months of messaging on a regular basis, we agreed that it would be nice for me to visit for a weekend and hang out in person. Being relatively poor young people, it seemed most reasonable for me to stay on her couch during the visit. Not wanting to be rude, I wanted to bring a small gift to her to thank her for her hospitality.

I decided that the most reasonable gift would be some platonic flowers, which I was bringing as a friend. was bringing as a friend eliza says that these were not platonic flowers and indeed that there is no such thing as friend flowers i've gotten this far and now realize that requesting the judge to order that these were indeed always platonic flowers could create time space issues with my current relationship oh i see what happened there at the end of the message that's funny because they were just friends then and now they're married if i rule that those flowers were indeed platonic yeah even though eliza took them as unconsciously or consciously romantic overtures yeah maybe it will destroy their relationship yeah i'm willing to do that i'm willing to do it i'm messy as long as the judgment is true what do you think jean gray is there such a thing as platonic flowers 100 you can give i i

think eliza just doesn't have friends that are giving her flowers i have friends who give me flowers all the time for anything for just saying congratulations received yellow roses yellow yeah no you should you should you haven't done that and it's been a thing but i haven't brought it up i ever have i don't think i ever yellow roses are specifically for friendship i don't want yellow roses because i don't like yellow roses but i'm just saying right so mave sent me flowers of course mave sent you flowers may viggins is the sweetest person in the world, not a monster like me. What kind of flowers did Maeve send you? Good ones.

All right. There's so many good, great Brooklyn-based florists also. Send Jean good flowers. I like sending flowers. You should be getting and sending flowers to your friends, even if you just decide. And it's for nothing, and it just happens to be a Wednesday sending flowers to your friends, even if you just decide. And it's for nothing. And it just happens to be a Wednesday. And you're like, everyone likes to get flowers if they're not allergic to flowers.

And it's the flowers they like. They're always good. As long as it's not poop flowers. Not poop. Right. Ask first. Valerie Moffat, guest producer and guest editor. Not guest editor, always editor this week and every week.

Platonic flowers, yay or nay uh i think i think yay um i think it's yay yay like it's possible or yay like yay i think both i'm not i'm not much of like a flower person i guess um but yeah i think it's a i think it's a nice gesture and i. And I think as long as you have a good enough relationship with your friends that you know that that's all that you mean by it, then yeah, absolutely. Okay. Thank you. I agree with you. Platonic flowers are great, but now I'm going to put it to you both of you. I'm going to give you a very specific context. You have been corresponding with a person that you've never met via AOL instant messenger or the texting channel of your choice for a period of time. You are just friends. It is established that you are friends.

This person, in this case, this man named Josh, whom you've never met before in your life, is coming to your house to crash on the couch. I'm putting air quotes around all of those things because that's a weird decision. Like, Eliza, very brave. I mean, Eliza, girl. But it worked out. Yeah, I'm glad it worked out. So far, Eliza, so far.

I know, but Josh shows up with flowers to your house. Does that feel platonic to you? Or does that feel like I would like to take things to a different level? Valerie? I mean, it depends on what your friendship has been like up to that point. You know, it like, if you've been instant messaging with a person,

you've never met them before. Right. Yeah. It's not in a dating context. Right. Yeah. If this is, if this is the first hint of,

you know, like if, if either of them had been even a little bit flirty in their previous correspondence, right. There's, there's no way to, it's gotta bit flirty in their previous correspondence right there's there's no way to it's got to be flirty yeah exactly there's no way that it's not um if it if it's purely a friendship thing then i think you i think it's entirely entirely reasonable yeah okay gene what do you think josh shows up at your house after you've been texting him for a

while he's got a bunch of flowers sure i'm gonna say again the issue is that eliza and her friends have not been giving flowers to each other because whether josh and i have or haven't been flirting i also don't read much into other things i'm also the person who would be like, oh, thank you for the flowers. Is this flirty? Like, I just, I ask outright, I wouldn't because I'm like, oh, you're staying here. So this is a hospitality gift. Just like when you're going to stay at someone's house, that's a normal thing to do. So maybe it's because they were young. And like, this isn't an experience that you have a lot but um it would read as strictly platonic uh what would read as flirty is if he was flirting with me i definitely feel that because of the aol instant messenger this dates this to a time yeah in the in the late 90s where uh In the late 90s, where just being open about your desires was not acceptable.

I was very open about my, you know what? I was not an acceptable person at the time. So I get it. Yeah, you were an unusual person. No, I was very open. Yeah. And I would just be like, what are these flowers about? The kids these days are on AOL Messenger saying, oh, we're just friends. Remember, we're just friends.

Yeah. They're going to say, do you want to hug and kiss or not? Yeah we're just friends. Remember, we're just friends. Yeah. They're going to say, do you want to hug and kiss or not? Yeah, I was there. Like, yeah. I was there. That's not where Josh and Eliza were. Well, I'm sorry for that.

I'm going to say, this is my judgment. Sorry, finish your thought. Oh, I was just going to say my AOL Messenger name. Please. It was Papa Cat Block lock in you you're welcome pop a cap lock in you

it was so good josh there is such a thing as platonic flowers um search yourself i think you knew that you were giving those you were trying to impress that that Eliza I think you knew what you were doing but the more flowers you give the less charged they are so everybody give each other flowers we'll be right back after a quick break when we come back the return of our segment, Justice Delayed. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year.

Janet Varney is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. Trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit.

No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Hey, we're taking a break from the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I would just like to remind everybody, we are in April, the cruelest month.

And I think what comes next, Jean, is may is the second cruelest month it is but may shall be redeemed because memorial day weekend in may gene gray and i will be returning to the solid sound festival in north adams massachusetts what's that you say why it's only the incredible two-day arts and music festival hosted by wilco the band all the wilkins will be there as well as incredible guests such as uh mike watt from the minute men and the sun ra orchestra yeah also me and gene hosted the comedy stage along with our friends nick offerman my cousin yeah your cousin nick actual cousin nick offerman as well as joshondelman, Nagin Farsad, and other fun guests to be announced yet. So please, why don't you consider checking us out at Solid Sound Festival on your Google or whatever search engine you use.

AltaVista it. Find out about it. It's going to be fun. Bring me flowers. We'd love to see you there. Yeah, bring Gene some flowers, will you? Bring me flowers. We'd love to see you there.

Yeah, bring Gene some flowers, will you? And also, you've all been so wonderful in supporting Dicktown, the TV show that David Reese and I made, starring Jean Grey, by the way, as Monica, cosplay expert. Yeah, that's right. This Thursday, April the 14th at 8 p.m., David Reese and I are going to watch all of season two of Dicktown together, and we're inviting you to watch with us. How, you say? together and we're inviting you to watch with us how you say simply go to twitch.tv slash john hodgman all one word twitch.tv slash john hodgman 8 p.m thursday april 14th that's eastern standard time david and i will be watching each episode now you're going to be watching us watch

the episodes it's that kind of meta i'm on twitch now i'm like a young person we're going to be watching the episodes and we're going to be commenting on them, recording a kind of director's commentary. And between the episodes and during breaks, we'll be responding to your comments. We'll be talking to you and answering your questions. And maybe we'll even have some other surprises for you. Twitch.tv slash John Hodgman, 8 p.m. April the 14th, season two of Dicktown. Watch along. Please watch along with us. If you're not interested in going to Twitch because you're some kind of a stick in the

mud old person, unlike me, John Hodgman, you can watch on a legacy social media platform like Twitter. We'll be broadcasting live to Twitter as well there, but we won't be able to see your comments if you have any. It's going to be a lot of fun, so I'll just say it one more time. Dicktown, season two. Watch along Thursday, April 14th at 8 p.m. Please join us, won't you?

If you haven't yet, or you'd like to tell a friend, bit.ly slash dicktown is where you find the TV show. You don't have to watch it. Just press play and walk away. All right, let's get back. Let's get back to the show. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. i'm your judge judge john hodgman here with my dear friend our dear friend friend of the court supreme jean gray aka papa caplock in you

we're clearing the docket this week and talking about spring it's time for our popular segment justice delayed gene this is a segment we've been doing on the show lately because uh i realized that um there are hundreds of emails that i received five to ten years ago that i never responded to humble brags so every now and then well it's not they're not it's not people sending me flowers it's people saying i would like to i have a dispute for your show and me failing to respond to them and I'm a bad person. So every now and then I go deep, deep into the pile and pick one from the olden days. This one actually doesn't go back that far.

This dispute goes all the way back to spring of only 2016. Jean, would you read it for me, please? I absolutely will. I have a co-worker who, whenever she sneezes, will literally and somewhat daintily say the words achoo on each sneeze, even if she sneezes more than once. She has allergies and it being spring, this is happening with more frequency as of late. I say it can't possibly be a real sneeze. It can't possibly be a real sneeze. An actual sneeze is an involuntary physical response to an unexpected irritation of the nasal passages resulting in a sudden forceful expulsion of air and aerolized mucus. You sound fun at a party.

She, however. This guy's name is Matt, by the way. I forgot to mention this comes from Matt. Matt's a party. He is. It says fun, Matt. matt matt's a party yeah so fun he is it says fun matt she however insists that she's not faking it and that this is just how she's sneezed her whole life i ask that you order her to either cease and desist from such theatrical outbursts or else replace all body emitted sounds with their appropriate words such as cough fart sniff, sniff. You can't.

And so on. That's what he's asking for you to do, John Hodgman. Go ahead. Well, first of all, on the second part, I absolutely order everyone to say cough and fart and sniffle when they're doing those things from now on. That should be part of human life cough cough cough it's hard fart farts easy sniffles farts difficult fart coughs very hard cough cough is hard because cough coughs just sound like coughs but here we but here is the issue there are many different kinds of sneezes listen talk about it and in fact And in fact, this goes back, Matt, to settled law.

Of course, you wrote in 2016, settled law was settled in spring of 2019 on our episode called Gesundheit. Becca wanted their wife, Bridget, to, quote, sneeze normal because Bridget was sneezing too loudly. But what we determined there, there is no normal sneeze. We all, there are many different kinds of sneezes and we can modulate our sneezes because as I pointed out on that episode, when I really let go, when I'm on my own, I will sneeze. It's, it sounds like someone has hit me in the stomach with a cement pole. With a giant chapstick. Yeah.

Yeah. Like a jumbo sized chapstick that they got from duty free in Heathrow airport. Massive chapstick. I could not get it. I was saving on taxes. Those chap taxes are very expensive. Chap tax.

But when I'm in, when I'm in company company i won't do that and i'll go i'll swallow my sneeze how do you sneeze jean well my mom had a very huge sneeze she was big on the sneeze like it was very disruptive and i always thought that she hated it and i thought i was like i think that's cool that a woman has like a big present sneeze uh mine are generally more in the it's more of a black black black have you ever heard anyone sneeze and actually go i have done a chew yeah and not um not like as a joke just because i felt like it was gonna be small right and it was like more of a hit

reclose the end of it but yeah valerie moffat how do you sneeze if i may ask well it i like you said there's there's degrees of it like if if there's no one else around, I'll sneeze like there's a bomb going off. But if I'm, you know, in polite company, I will, you know, do my best to like, you know, like into the shoulder, into the elbow, into the elbow. Classic. Yeah. The elbow. Yeah. Yeah. My mom's a preschool teacher. I can't not, you know.

Yeah. Well, you learned. I mean, Matt, how dare you try to gaslight this lady and say that she sneezes wrong you don't know how she's sneezing at all this is gaslighting you're saying you're literally saying i say it can't possibly be real you think she's faking it no i mean there's a reason that not true is that true there's a reason that meow is meow you? It's an onomatopoeia. Talk about it. It's a word that sounds like the sound that it is. I'll hear Macon Hodgman say the words.

It's a wild coincidence of grammar. Yeah. It's so weird that a meow sounds like a meow. Who knew? The word, who knew? Sneezes should be called achus. They should be called achus. Or chableks.

And probably, did you ever consider, Matt, of 2016, that maybe your co-worker is sneezing this way because she is at work? Maybe that's her small sneeze. Her small work sneeze. Her small work sneeze? Sounds right. Because maybe she doesn't presume that she has all the space in the world to just go yeah the way you do matt because then that would be a real problem i feel for matt matt would not like that at all and he would explain it yeah but you know that's matt's feeling that there is oh

there is one kind of sneeze and it's comes from a person who feels very comfortable taking up space. Oh, you mean men? I'm saying a person. Sure. Oh, you mean white men? Naturally very comfortable taking up space and being loud in ways that other people might not feel as comfortable and have maybe been culturally trained to not take up space.

Oh, a lot is being said without it being said. So God or whatever, do not bless you, Matt. I hope God or whatever blesses you. I hope God or whatever blesses everyone if there is a God out there to bless. Oh, thanks. I hope they bless my new lint store, Linty Jacks. Linty Jacks. Oh, I forgot. We're not selling

anything, but I hope we prosper in popularity. Everything's free. That's why I don't understand what's going on at Linty Jacks. Nothing's for sale. Yeah, that's right, because we don't want to be linked back to the murders. Whoa. What? I don't know. Linty Jackss it's real vague

jean gray thank you for being our guest bailiff the docket's clear i'm gonna read the credits but let me just say first of all check out linty jacks when it comes up when it's gonna it's gonna be a pop-up store in seventh avenue and i don't know if i can get the store the storefront next door maybe i'll just do a pop-up within your pop-up called spite store yeah we can put up a curtain anything else you want to tell people about that they should be looking out for for stuff from jean gray um it's it's so much stuff that's coming out at the end of the year but i guess like don't forget about it um i am the musical director and composer of, uh, did I do that to the holidays? A Steve Urkel story coming out, uh, in the holidays at the end of this year, this year. A Steve Urkel holiday special.

Yeah, that's right. Did I do that to the holidays? It is Jaleel White. He's, he's doing it. You're the musical director. Wyatt Cenac is, our friend Wyatt Cenac is involved. He wrote. And it's got an amazing cast that I don't think I can talk about yet. But really, really cool. I've got a book that's coming out in like two years.

And then I got a show that's coming out like next year called That's Not How You Do That. So I'm just working hard. This is a televised show of some kind. It's streamed. It's not a live show. No, it's not a live show. It's something people can find on their devices. Yeah.

I'll let y'all know. Just, you know, keep up with me. And since we spoke so fondly of your mom, who I never had the honor to meet, we should say her name, Sathama B. Benjamin. Sathama B. Benjamin. Sathema B. Benjamin. You can go look at any of her things, listen to any of her stuff. The most recent thing that I listened to when I went to the Chelsea,

I thought it would be nice for her to be there. So I poured her a glass of wine and I played from her album with Duke Ellington and Billy Strayhorn. That is correct. That sounds wild, but it is what it is. Solitude is one of my favorite pieces. So maybe go check that out.

Satima, I mispronounced your name, didn't I? Yeah, you did a soft T-H. It's just a hard T. It's spelled S-A-T-H-I-M-A-B-E-A. Benjamin in the fairly traditional spelling. Just Google it and enjoy. That's the docket. It is now clear.

Thank you for joining us for another episode of judge john hodgman our producer is jennifer marmer uh on break this week our bailiff is jesse thorne on break this week our editor never takes a break is valerie moffitt thanks for thank you for uh guest producing this week uh valerie as you know photo evidence from all our episodes can be found on instagram at Judge John Hodgman. We don't have any specific photo evidence, but you can follow me on Twitter at Hodgman. Jean, you are no longer on Twitter and good for you. Yeah, I'm trying to live my life. But do you still post Instagram from time to time? I am on Instagram. It's Jeannie Grigio j e a n n i e grigio like the wine

and i am at john hodgman that's my personal account our show account is this again is at judge john hodgman make sure to hashtag your judge john hodgman tweets hashtag jjho and check out the maximum funds subreddit to discuss this episode. We are still looking for your beekeeping disputes. Jean, do you have any beekeeping disputes? Any apiology disputes with anybody? No. I'm trying to get this expert witness on the show.

This woman who clears bee swarms on Instagram and puts them into hives. That's a wonderful job. There are a couple of people I follow on TikTok that do that because I really enjoy watching people save some bees. Just because it's such a thing I would be so terrified of doing and they're just so beautiful.

Anything relating to bees. Honey. If you have a dispute revolving around how much honey someone puts in their tea um if uh you have a dispute about a bee puppet that is in gene gray's office if you want to dispute anything about my mom with me her middle name is b that's true there you go i wouldn't pick a fight with gene over her mom but you shouldn't do that, but you know. If you know someone in your life who's, or maybe you have a, is Bea Arthur a great actress or the greatest actress, for example.

Bea, that's a one too. Any beekeeping disputes you might have, buzz us at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. And of course, we're eager to hear all of your disputes on any subject. No case is too small. So once again, submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.