Judge John Hodgman - The Egg, The Nog, and The Holy Sprite

Episode Date: December 29, 2021

Content Warning: This episode is entirely about eating and drinking various foods. There is live consumption of an alcoholic cocktail, and accompanying discussion, from 06:00-11:04. There is also a brief description of cooking live lobsters between 01:12:25-01:12:46.It's the last episode of 2021 and we are celebrating with a Judge John Hodgman Office Party! Inspired by a case regarding mixing eggnog and Sprite, the Judge sent a call for our audience's favorite holiday foods and drinks. Bailiff Jesse had to miss the party unfortunately, but Producer Jennifer Marmor and WERU Program Director Joel Mann join Judge Hodgman to ring in the New Year! Plus we hear some holiday greetings from Friends of the Court!Music used in this episode:Poppers and Prosecco Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/Crinoline Dreams Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/Barbara by U.S. Army Blues is licensed under a Public Domain Mark 1.0 License.Auld Lang Syne by United States Marine Band is licensed under a Public Domain Mark 1.0 License.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Do not adjust your podcast set. I am not Bailiff Jesse Thorne. I'm Judge John Hodgman. Unfortunately, Bailiff Jesse Thorne had a headache today. But we miss him and we hope that he's feeling better. I am joined by another member of the J-Squad, Jennifer Marmer. Hello. Hi.

Hello to Los Angeles. How are you, Jennifer Marmer? I'm doing great. Got the holiday spirit. Doing as okay as possible? I would say today I'm okay plus. Okay plus. Terrific. Me too. Yeah. Even though I've been cooking all morning. Me too. Because today is our big virtual holiday office party for the Judge John Hodgman offices.

They are closed for the day so that we may virtually enjoy each other's company and say and do things that we are going to regret in the office. No, everything's going to be great. That's what an office holiday party is all about. Exactly so. And, even though we are missing Jesse very much, we have a surprise member of the J-Squad. Joel Mann is here. Hello, Joel.

Happy holidays, Judge. Happy holidays to you as well, Joel. It's the happiest I've ever seen you, frankly. Well, it's dark outside. Okay, we are in Maine. It is 1.36 p.m. in Maine so it is starting to get dark, that is true. And here I am again

as it is holiday time, here I am again in the state of Maine in the wonderful solar-powered offices of WERU Community Radio in Maine, 89.9 Blue Hill, 99.9 Bangor, and of course on the web at WERU.org. And Joel, I've got to tell you, the radio station is looking really spiffy.

We've been working hard since you left. You've been building a lot of walls. You built a new front reception area. Keeping people safe. You closed off a window to make a merch shelf. That's right. I can't see when you drive up anymore. No, and you've got a very fancy new board.

Yes. I mean, I spy to look at it through the window. We, of course, are in separate compartments here at WERU. You're just a glare to me. But I did catch a glimpse of it, and it looks very – I think – you know what? I think this is Judge John Hodgman listeners' donation money in action, right? Possible.

W-E-R-U dot org. Check it out. Probable, I'd say. Yeah, that's right. I'm sure we've raised dozens and dozens of dollars. That board, you know what? You should name one knob after me on that board. We'll give you the Bluetooth.

All right. What are my other options? You're on mic three. We could call you mic three. We'll put your name on mic three. How about that? Just the Judge John Hodgman Memorial mic? Yeah, we'll put a little something there.

Memorial? Yes, in memory of me. You don't have to be, have passed this mortal coil in order to have a memorial, do you? I feel like it's kind of. Okay, then just the Judge John – look, I don't know because I'm not a donor to things where I make people name things after me like certain people who donate to colleges that I am aware of. Yeah, I want to be slider number three. That's the Judge John Hodgman slider.

Okay, we'll make it happen. And we'll pull one down for Jennifer Marmer and bailiff Jesse Thorne as well. We'll pick those out later in the episode. We'll figure out what they're going to be. Okay. Not memorialized on. In honor of.

In honor of. Honored by. Honorary. Yeah, there you go. There you go. There we go. There you go. So this episode was inspired by a letter that we received some time ago from a listener named Dan.

I don't know where Dan was writing from, Jennifer Marmer, but you know what letter this is. I do. I don't think he said where he was writing from. No, I'm sure he was embarrassed. Well, at least his friend should be. He wrote, I'd like to request your sage wisdom regarding an issue that arises for me every single holiday season. My friend, excuse me, my dear friend Matt, insists that the best way to drink eggnog is to mix it with Sprite.

I believe this is egregiously vile. Please, I'm not asking for a ruling that Matt should stop liking or drinking his weird, arguably curdled Yuletide beverage. But I also believe that there are some things that we can and should freely deem not good, like eggnog with Sprite. And I talked about this on the podcast and I put out a call for listeners, weird, unusual, or simply traditional holiday drinks, beverages, apps, and snacks. And in fact, not only is eggnog enjoyed with Sprite by some people, but Pam near Seattle drinks eggnog with orange soda. So Joel, we're going to try these nogcoctions.

And I will finally offer Dan the justicy request, but not until the end of the episode. We have some other things to try first because that will be the big finale. What a tease. What a professional radio person. You want to know how professional I am? I already thought of a title for this episode. Ooh. Yeah.

You want to know what it's called? I would love to know what it's called. The Egg, the Nog, and the Holy Sprite. I even got Joel to laugh. We're going to open with cocktails. Then we'll have a break. And then we'll move on to mains. And then we'll have a break.

And then we'll have our dessert, which is very exciting. I'll give you a teaser, Joel. The dessert, our dessert course was submitted by a listener, and it involves an ingredient that is well-beloved or tolerated, at least, in New England, a native New England ingredient called fluff, marshmallow fluff. That's for a little while. First, we're going to start with opening a little cocktail, because I think we should get the one alcoholic thing out of the way first so that by the time this is over,

we can drive safely home. Okay. So please get your bottle of, your mini bottle of Jägermeister. Are you joining us in this tipple, Jennifer Marmer or not? I'm not. It's 1040 AM where I am. I know it's five o'clock somewhere, but I got to drive to Arizona tonight. Oh, OK. Yeah. Then you don't want to drink this. This, of course, is a— I've never drank this. You've never had Jägermeister? No, I've heard about it. Really?

This was—I discovered this, guess what, in college. Surprise, surprise. What? So did I. It is a German – it's equivalent of an Italian Amaro. I'll open it up. It smells good. Yeah. It's a highly aromatic German – I guess you would call it digestifrip. And back at the time when monks would cook up herbal remedies, alcohol is a universal solvent.

And when you thought that you could be healed by drinking nuts and berries and stuff, you would dissolve herbal remedies into alcohol and the monks would give it to you. And that's why chartreuse started as a herbal remedy. Bitters, all the bitters that you have that you put in cocktails, that was all a way of preserving patent medicine. And so I don't know if this was – oh, you know, Jennifer Marmer, you ever have Fernet Branca? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Same deal. That was composed by an apothecary to heal various ailments you might have,

much like moxie soda was originally billed as moxie nerve food because it had gentian root in it. So this is an aromatic. It smells like pine cones steeped in gin. Pour that into your cup. I gave you one cup in there, Joel. All of it? Yeah, because you're going to have one initial sip just of it regular. Oh, okay.

Yeah. I usually never drink before noon, but. Well, it's 144 p.m. here, remember? So maybe you shouldn't have anything just a sip sweet licorice very very licorice that's what yeah one what you know because that one dare one dare says um one dares to say xmmissy, you know. And this is reputed to be disgusting enough on its own. That was always the deal, that you would drink it to prove that you would drink it.

But listener Tom wrote in in response to our call for interesting holiday drinks, snacks, traditions, et cetera, to say that he was introduced to a concoction by an East German exchange student, Norbert. I don't know if I have permission to use his whole name, but I'm going to. Norbert Wolfgang Franzl, known as Nobby to his mates. During Norbert's stay with listener Tom's family in 2001, Nami told us of his alleged Christmas tradition of watching the German U-boat movie Das Boot. You ever see that submarine movie, Joel? I did.

Yeah. Yeah. How many thumbs up? I'll give it a three and a half out of five. Three and a half out of five, Das Boot. Okay, great. This is a great movie podcast. And they would watch Dust Boat

and they would drink Jägermeister with orange juice. And this really, to me, feels like, I mean, you're already drinking something that tastes like toothpaste. So I don't know how much you want to add to this, but I'm going to add this orange juice. Until it looks like orange juice. No, I'm going to just do that,

like a half and half mixture to see if these things go. It's not terrible. No, it definitely tastes like something that would be rationed to you if you lived in a German submarine and were trapped. Das Boot. Das Boot to you, Nobby and Tom. My family had a cocktail tradition at this time, holiday time. Oh, yeah. I neglected to ask you before this episode if you had any traditions, so I guess it's too late. Moving on. Okay.

What? No, go ahead. You can say your thing. We made a cocktail Christmas Eve called the Red Russian. Go on. It's Kahlua and tomato juice. No. That's Kahlua. Sure. And tomato juice. No. That's not true. Joel. My wife used to attend a bar in New York City.

I forget where. And they had the worst bartender night. And people would come in and make these horrible things. And that was one of them. Tomato juice and Kahlua. And Kahlua, yeah. Yikes. Jennifer Marmer, I seem to recall going to a MaxFun.

Speaking of tomatoes, Jennifer Marmer, the last MaxFun holiday party that I attended in Los Angeles in the American Cement Building, who was there who made the tomato soup cake that was all the rage? That was KT. Yeah, KT made that tomato soup cake. You ever had a tomato soup cake, Joel? Never. It's a cake. It's a cake made with a can of tomato soup. Keep this in mind.

It might come up later. It was actually pretty delicious. It was very wintry. Yeah, it was. A lot of spices in it and so forth. Warming spices. Someday we'll go back to have an in-person holiday party, I hope. What do you like to have at the holiday party? You like to have a little punch,

holiday punch? Not a big holiday punch. A lot of the holiday punches, at least at my friends' parties that they throw for the holidays, involve a bourbon and I don't do well with dark liquors. Right. That's headache in a bowl. Plus, we can't have an open bowl of punch anymore. That has to stop, right? No. No, that's done. There's no way that's going to work. I tend to go for just like a red wine, just a classic red wine. You can't get into too much trouble with red wine.

Nah. Let me tell you, speaking of the color red and speaking of mulling warming spices, Joel, you have a thermos. This is filled with a concoction we've talked about on the show many a time. This is mulled Dr. Pepper. Are you having any mulled Dr. Pepper with us, Jennifer Marmer? I am. Oh, good. I've got a mug.

Yeah. Too bad, John, but I just can't. This won't open up. No, I closed it up tight so it wouldn't spill on the car, but you can open it. It's still warm. I mulled this myself. Now, there are many recipes for mulled Dr. Pepper out there, Joel and Jennifer. Oh, he's having a sip.

The things that the listeners write in about, well, you can say whatever you want, but you can be as mean about this as you like because this is a Dr. Pepper creation. This is not some listener's improvisation. This is not Nobby with his Jaeger and

OJ or the other fellow with the eggnog and Sprite. No, this is just wrong. Oh, no. This is just wrong. You don't care for it? I'll try it again, but – Well, I mean – OK.

So I'll explain to you. Maybe if I gave you some historical context, you might be more interested in it. In the 1950s, soda pop sales were plummeting. And so Dr. Pepper came up with this idea to sell more Dr. Pepper. And they took out big full-page ads in magazines suggesting hot Dr. Pepper for the holidays. And it tried very hard to catch on. They tried many years. Now, there are recipes all over the place for warm Dr. Pepper or mulled Dr. Pepper that involve a lot of extra sugar and all kinds of different aromatics. The classic recipe, according to the Dr. Pepper full-page magazine ads, is just heat up some Dr. Pepper on the stove, then pour it over a lemon. I did that, but I also added some cloves because you detected the cloves.

I did. Fancy. And I also had some dried orange peel, so maybe I'm the one who messed it up. I just did the classic Dr. Pepper over lemon slices. I didn't want to mess with the recipe too much. Have you tried any yet? I just took a sip because I couldn't wait any longer. Cheers.

Well, then I'll have some. Cheers. Yeah, I don't mind it, Joel. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, it's not as offensive as I thought it was going to be. I think that I may have messed up this batch, Joel, because I mulled it with lemon instead of just pouring it over the lemon. So the lemon is a little overpowering in this one to me. It's not as bad as it sounds.

I did that too. But I like that lemoniness. I like the lemoniness. But it's really hitting a no man's land where Dr. Pepper and Theraflu meet for me. It's not. Oh, yeah. You get that feeling, right? I mean, Dr. Pepper is a delicate blend. different – Dr. Pepper also started as a patent medicine.

That's why it's a Dr. Pepper and not a Mr. Pibb. No, no. You know, Coca-Cola, Moxie, Dr. Pepper, they were all non-alcoholic patent medicines that just were full of – Cocaine. Yeah, cocaine and Cola Nut, right? Literally, cocaine and Cola Nut is Coca-Cola. And you would sell it. That's why they had soda fountains at pharmacies because you went there to do cocaine.

Those were the days, I guess. My only reference for this type of drink for a very long time was the movie Blast from the Past from like the 90s starring Brendan Fraser and Christopher Walken. Is that the one where he's stuck in the bomb shelter? In the fallout shelter. Right. Yeah. He grows up in a bomb shelter. Exactly.

And the dad would drink hot Dr. Pepper. And I thought that was just a weird quirk from the movie, like this weird character. And then later in life, I learned that that was a real thing. It's a real thing. Here's a question. Jennifer Marmer, would you ever do it again? Would you have it and serve it to a guest? I don't know if I would. I don't know if I were throwing a party. I don't know if I would make it an option unless it was like a, isn't this fun and kitschy? I'm so goofy. Warm Dr. Pepper.

I'm going to say that I would give it another try. We're not having any guests for the holiday this year for reasons that should be obvious. And what I hope is a year's time when we have someone over for a winter tete-a-tete. I might try it again because I'm afraid that I messed it up. I think that I went overboard when I shouldn't have. So you want to do a redemption mold Dr. Pepper. A redemption. I believe this

doctor deserves. I think this doctor doesn't. It's malpractice. This doctor deserves a second chance. There's no reason for it. There's no reason for it. Joel, I was going to ask you, how many thumbs up do you give to, what's the name of the movie again?

Das Boot. No, the other one, Jennifer Marmer. Blast from the Past. Blast from the Past. Brendan Fraser. How many thumbs up? Never saw it. Never saw it. So how many thumbs up would you say?

Probably would you guess one? Maybe. One. Okay. If it has this drink in it, yeah, maybe one. If it has this drink in it, that's for sure. All right. Well, hang on one second while i just i'm gonna have you know

what i'm having another sip i'm not moving on hang on yeah i drank multiple sips of it even though i'm neutral at best yeah but it's it's definitely has the the feeling of the taste of theraflu which has a taste that i like well yeah i do like a hot lemon water so i I think that's where that's scratching that itch for me. But then the sweetness of the Dr. Pepper makes me want to keep coming back. Yeah. I wonder what would happen if you put a little headachy bourbon into this. I don't know. Kids who are listening, don't try that.

But if you do, let me know how it tastes. Yeah. So we were going to move on to appetizers, and we will, I promise you. But before we do, because, Joel, you said the magic words, tomato soup. Anytime someone says tomato soup, scream real loud. I actually have – I added to the menu. Jennifer Marmer doesn't even have this. I added to the menu, just for fun, a last-minute addition that I received from a listener named Will.

This is something I'm very excited to try. For obvious reasons, I made it last night. Will writes, one of my favorite family dishes is, quote, tomato soup salad that we serve at Thanksgiving and Christmas or whenever there's a big indoor spread. It probably comes from some sort of horrible 1950s gelatin mold-based cookbook, but we don't have the original source. My grandmother always made it and she's from Milo, Maine. What do you know about Milo?

Aside from their love of tomato soup salad, Joel? Nothing. Nothing. Me neither. That's all we know. That's what it's known for. Yeah. It can be served as a side.

And Joel Mann, I'm here to tell you, it is in the oblong rectangular Tupperware container that you should have in front of you. I'm going to get mine. Now, don't eat it yet. This is a salad? Stand by. Stand by.

Wait a minute. Whoa. Now, Joel, first of all, I do apologize for the presentation. I have served this to you in a small glass, not Tupperware, but, you know, food-saving rectangle. It's supposed to be served. You're supposed to make it in a ring mold, like any other gelatin salad, like an ambrosia salad you might have in the 1950s or 60s. Okay. Jennifer Marmer, I'm showing you the consistency of it.

What does it look like to you, Jennifer Marmer? It looks like just a solid brick of like a tomato bisque soup color. Yeah. Well, it starts with cream of tomato soup. That's the first ingredient. Listener Will recommended Amy's organic brand of cream of tomato soup. And then you heat that up, and then you add two packets of unflavored gelatin. And then after that all dissolves, and it takes a little while, try to sprinkle in the gelatin first because I know you're all going to want to make this.

So you don't want to make a mistake. Then you add four ounces of cream cheese and you let that soften. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. Okay. You might want to turn down slide. What's your slider? Mine?

Yeah. The Memorial Joel Mann, yeah. The Joel Mann honorary slider? Yeah. Because this is going to kill me. It's honorary now. It will become memorial very shortly. No, this isn't going to kill me. It's honorary now. It will become memorial very shortly. No, this isn't going to kill you.

After you soften up the cream cheese in there, you add three-quarter cups of mayonnaise. I used Hellman's. If you're west of the Mississippi, you can use Best Foods. Then you can add a quarter cup finely chopped green pepper and a quarter cup finely chopped onion. And then a quarter cup diced celery, which is optional, and I chose not to do it because I wanted to be done with this. And then you put it into a ring mold and you, you know, refrigerate it overnight like any gelatinized salad. Of course. It's not a diaphanized kitten.

It's a gelatinized salad. Of course. It's not a diaphanized kitten. It's a gelatinized salad. So this is it. So it looks like a beautiful, placid lake of cream of tomato soup. Now, Jennifer Marmer, this is gelatin. Do you dare me to turn this over above my computer keyboard? I double-dog dare you. I did it. It didn't fall out. It's not going anywhere.

It's like the DQ blizzard of soup salads. It doesn't jiggle. It barely moves. And now we're going to try it. You and me, Joel, we're going to try it. All right. This is – What would you say – how would you say it smells?

It smells like tomato soup. Yeah. It smells – it's weird because it's a cold gelatin that has savory elements in it. This is weird. I agree with you. I mean, this is why. Why do people do this? People do this all the time.

There are so many gelatin salads. Oh, my God. I'm astounded. But, you know, the aftertaste really isn't that bad. No, it tastes like... Yeah, yeah. Let me try another one. Oh.

Wow. Second bite. Well, the first one was just barely a bite. And Will says that this can be served as a side or sliced thick and put on a sandwich with even more mayonnaise. I mean, I'll tell you what. If you wanted to have a tomato soup sandwich, this is the only way to do it. Sure. It tastes like pretty good tomato soup.

But I'm going to need to rinse this off with some Jägermeister. Hey, let's take a break. We'll be back in a moment with more Judge John Hodgman. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org, and they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join.

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They're made in... Made in. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Hey, we're back on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. This is our holiday office party.

It's me, Judge John Hodgman with producer Jennifer Marmer. Hello, Jennifer. Hello. Judge John Hodgman with producer Jennifer Marmer. Hello, Jennifer. Hello. And we are coming to you from the solar-powered studios of WERU in Orland, Maine, WERU.org. And that means Joel Mann is also here.

Hello, Joel. Bonjour. Ça va? Oh, I forgot. Maine is a partially francophonic state. Bonjour. Oui, ça va. Ça va bien. Et tu?, ça va. Ça va bien.

Et tu? Merci. Bien. D'accord. Voilà. Jennifer Marmer, it wouldn't be a holiday party without some surprise guests ding-donging at the door. Did anybody happen to come by? Yeah, we heard from frequent guest bailiff and friend of the court, Jean Gray.

She wanted to tell us some of her favorite holiday foods and her New Year's resolutions. Hi, I'm Jean Gray. Holiday foods at this time of year. Winter foods, my favorite thing. Stuff that can simmer all day. I love anything that makes the house smell great. Um, and you know, it just makes you feel cozy and great. Like a, a braised short rib. Oh man. Like a red wine braised short rib. When you're cooking that don't just use the bottle of red wine. Don't, you know, don't, you don't have to do a broth. What are you, a punk? What are you doing?

And also don't ever cook with anything you wouldn't drink. And I guess, yeah, wines. I like a wine. I like a boujlee when I'm cooking. So I'm not like getting hammered and I can still make it all the way through to the end of the evening where I want to do something a lot heavier that feels like, that tastes like a library. That's what I'm into. I taste like a library and some leather chairs. And if I want something more refreshing, I've gotten back into

one of my old favorite drinks, a Corpse Reviver No. 2, because I like a coupe glass, and especially in the holidays, and it makes me feel like I'm outside, you know. And it's also got an absinthe rinse, which is funny to say. Resolutions. I've been doing the one minute thing where if something around the house or whatever it is, is just going to take me like one minute or two minutes to do, I just go ahead and get it done. Like I think we all line up so many things. And then when you do them, you realize how quickly it could have gotten done. And then when you look back, you're like, now I have 300 things. But it's, it's been great to do it and look back and be like, oh, I only have 50 things, still things, we're all still gonna have things, but it helps.

So you're not just, your motivation for doing everything isn't anxiety. And then you can make yourself a corpse survivor or pour yourself a giant glass of really good wine and eat short ribs. Oh, Jean Grey, I'm a friend of the court, friend of me personally, friend of the world. Thank you so much for saying hi. I miss you so much. And that's good advice. Drink what you, if you drink, and it's fine if you don't, drink what tastes like a library. Is that what you said? Yes. Yeah, that's good. That's good advice. Okay, now we are ready to move on to appetizers. Here comes the tray of past apps starting with Iowa Dill Pickle Spears. But it's not just pickle.

This one comes from a listener named Samantha who writes, My family in Iowa has a couple of weird holiday foods for you. Both are Easter traditions. Okay, so this is an Easter tradition. First, a classic appetizer. I'll decide. Dill pickle spears wrapped in cream cheese and deli ham rolled up and sliced like sushi. Fancy toothpicks encouraged.

And I did – Joel, you will note that I did use the L'Elegance toothpicks, the ones that have the little – they have a little design carved into them. I give you very high marks on presentation. Thank you very much. Very nice. How would you describe what you're looking at right now, Joel? And I'm holding it up for Jennifer Marmer to see in Los Angeles. Scary as hell. Okay.

But can you describe it? Well, like you say, the really fancy toothpick. Okay. That's always a plus. Now look down from there. You'll see the food on the end. And you have a pickle. I'm just taking your words from Iowa. Right. Some kind of cheese, something cream cheese wrapped around the pickle and bite size. Right. And then what's wrapped around the cream cheese ham. All right. Now listen, Samantha, I'm going to try this.

This was very difficult to make. I'm going to try this. This was very difficult to make. I'm going to eat the whole thing, not just a bite. Yeah, no, go for it. All right, I'm going to cover my microphone while I eat mine. Let the record show, Judge Hodgman is covering his microphone. Very responsible judge. Huh. Chewing.

Huh. I'm going to have another one. Oh, yeah. I didn't opt to join you two on this one because, A, don't like pickles. Don't like dill. It's something that's like really difficult for me. It's like, you know how people have that cilantro thing? I think that's how I feel about dill.

But anyway, and I also don't eat pork. Not a Jewish thing. I just don't eat it. But I had all the supplies ready to make some Iowa dill pickle Spears sushi rolls for Bailiff Jesse, but didn't make them. Well, Bailiff Jesse has dodged this dilly bullet. I'm going to say there's only one. The fact that you don't like dill is fascinating to me. You don't like pickles.

What if it's not a dill pickle? I like other pickled things. Like, you know, like a Mediterranean pickled veggie, you know, on the side of like a... That I can, you know, get down with. You're not against vinegar and salt? No. Salt and vinegar is my favorite potato chip. Right.

There you go. It's basically a pickled chip. But don't get a dill pickle chip because that's going to be very dilly. I think it should be a different kind of pickle. I think this pickle is a little bland. If you had a kosher or something with a little more pop, it would be better. I'm going to tell you that these are fresh dill pickle spears. The Taste of Inspirations, which is the house brand for the upscale stuff that

they sell at the Tradewinds, Joel. Yeah. And you know something, Joel? I'm feeling a deep regret. Do you know why? Why? Well, do you know, this is not a sponsor of the podcast, but Grillo's Pickles, they come from Boston.

They come in tubs. They have a little cartoon pickle on the front. It's a cartoon of a pickle hanging out on a lawn chair. You've never seen these? They have them there at the Tradewinds. I think I have, yes. Yeah. And I had my hand yesterday on one of those because I like those Grillo pickles quite a bit.

And I noticed that they were the hot brand. Yeah, there you go. And that probably would have worked better, right? Absolutely. Shoot. Because, there you go. And that probably would have worked better, right? Absolutely. Shoot. Because it's not bad. That probably would have worked great, but it wouldn't have been consistent, I think, with the Iowa tradition. I guess not, I suppose.

I mean, I don't know how Iowan this really is. But I was going to say, when you said, I don't like pickles and I don't like dill, that was fascinating to me. It stopped me in my tracks because the tracks were heading directly to me having another bite. So I'm covering the microphone. Yeah. Have another bite. My husband grew up in the Midwest in a small town in central Illinois. And I think his family did these types of pickle spears as well.

You don't have to be in the Midwest to have Midwestern food. That's true. grandmother and grandfather in Philadelphia, they would have what's called Lebanon bologna, which is named for Lebanon, Pennsylvania, which is like a kind of highly smoked salami, really more than a bologna. And it has a very deep smoky flavor. And they would wrap that around cream cheese and put little, whatch you might call it uh lelegance toothpicks in and boy i would eat like 25 of those at a sitting that would be very good i you know if you don't if you don't eat pork and and why should you um i'm not sure i'm not sure that and you don't like dill pickles this is not for you jennifer marmer for sure no no but that's fine good Good for you. Not for me.

Yeah. And I'm going to tell you this, listeners, Samantha. This was – I'll say it's classic. This is a classic flavor. Sure. Why not? But this was not easy to make. You should thank whoever taught you this or made it for you because spreading – first of all, you don't – you can't put cream cheese on a pickle and then wrap ham around it.

That's not how – cream cheese is going to slide off that pickle. You have to do – Oh, yeah. You have to spread cream cheese onto the ham and then put the pickle in it and then roll it up like a sushi. That's right. But even then, you're going to – first of all, you've got to have the softest room temperature cream cheese in the world. You've got to have some really tough ham. I mean, you've got to have some tough ham that's not going to fall apart as you're spreading cream cheese all over it.

And I would suggest not using a full – cut those spears in half. Make them a little smaller. Okay, we're going to take a little break. And speaking of the Midwest, when we come back after this little break, we're going to be going out to, where did Shane grow up? Where did your husband grow up? Tuscola, Illinois. For a Pangburn family favorite, this is Jennifer Marmer's mother-in-law,

chicken and noodles and mashed potatoes. We'll be right back. Hi, I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Kalin. And the three of us host the flop house it's a podcast where we watch a new bad movie and then we talk about it dan you say it's hosted by the three of us we've had a lot of great guest co-hosts like gillian flynn jamelle buoy john hodgman jessica williams white senac joe bob briggs josh gondelman roman mars yeah and you said new movies but what about the time we did Meatballs 2?

Okay, okay, yeah. Sometimes we do older movies, and sometimes we have guests, but mostly it's about us talking about recent bad movies. And don't forget about the ones where I made you do a role-playing game where you played cartoon dogs. All right, yeah, but...

Shouldn't a promo be a really simple explanation about what our show's about? So what's the show about, Dan? What's it about? What's it about? It's about friendship, all right? It's about our friendship and how we love each other. The Flophouse.

It's a podcast mostly about bad movies on Maximum Fun. And we're back. It's the Judge John Hodgman holiday office party. I'm here in the studios of WERU in Maine. Joel Mann is across the glass from me. Jennifer Marmer is in Los Angeles. We've been trying some of the family favorite holiday, dare I say, oddball food traditions of our listeners, including the tomato soup salad, which I really should not have in front of me because it's very distracting. This recipe comes to us from Hollis, as in Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC.

And also this person. Every Christmas morning, my family had waffles with gravy and waffles with ice cream. You had to have one with gravy before you had any with ice cream. The ice cream flavors ran the gamut, and we frequently had three or five cartons open for breakfast as the youngest of 11 children. This was not an unreasonable amount. Wow. But you had to have that waffle with gravy first, and they had two kinds of gravy.

One was your classic sausage gravy, which is what you eat over biscuits. And the other was something I had never heard of and cannot find on the Internet called penny gravy, which is sausage gravy, but instead of sausage, it's hot dogs. Joel? Oh, God. Jennifer Marmer, this is what it looks like. Very appetizing. Looks like sliced hot dogs, all right.

It's sliced hot dogs in a white gravy, a cream gravy with black pepper. And I made this this morning, Joel, with love and a mask on, and brought it to you in your own separate container. We've taken turns to heat it up in the microwave. I'm going to tell you right now, probably could have used some more time in the microwave. It is obviously no longer creamy because it has traveled 22 miles in the main winter. But why don't you, you can try it with the waffle if you want or just on its own.

I'm going to try the whole thing. Get the perfect bite. Now it's called penny gravy. And I can only imagine because the hot dog slices look like pennies. They have that brown copper penny grease. Yeah, that makes sense.

Now, Joel, this is Hollis' family tradition. Hollis is a listener, probably a supporter of Maximum Fun, maybe someone who even donated to WERU.org during your pledge drive to buy you that new fancy sound mixing board you got. And I'll also remind you, Joel, I made this myself this morning. So what do you have to say about it? This is one of the best things I've ever eaten.

Wow. Wait a minute. I've ever eaten. Wow. Wait a minute. If, if, if, if I was lost in the Maine woods and starving and it was cold and dark. How dare you? How dare you? There we go.

I'm going to tell you something, Joel. Yes, Judge. Jennifer Marmer. Yeah. I don't like to pat my own back here, but this is one of the best things I've ever eaten. pat my own back here. This is one of the best things I've ever eaten. Now, I had the benefit of having it before it congealed in a paper bowl on its way up here. I did cover it. I covered it with cling wrap, but I didn't have that press and seal, my favorite stuff. You cook, right? Well, I did this. But normally do you cook? Yeah, I cook all the time. Yeah, that's what I thought.

And this is the best thing you've ever had? No, I'm just saying I was very surprised that I liked this. That you liked it. Okay. Now, here's the thing, Hollis. I'm going to offer you a tremendous amount of thanks because I have never made a milk gravy or a cream gravy, that white gravy that is part of sausage gravy before. I never knew how to do it.

This has been my year of making rouxs. Everyone else was making sourdough the past two years. I was making roux. And a roux, of course, is a mixture of flour and a fat of some kind as a thickening agent. You cook flour and fat together, roughly equal proportions, and it's there to thicken a gravy or a stew or a soup or something like that. And it's a little, it seems very tricky, but it's not. And you cook the flour and the fat together and it gets darker in color. And that's how you make like a gumbo, like a really dark gumbo.

You let it go very, very, what they call a chocolate roux or a dark chocolate roux. You let it go very, very what they call a chocolate roux or a dark chocolate roux. But with a light gravy like this, you just barely cook it, and then you add milk, and it forms a gravy. Now, normally you would do this with sausage. Oh, by the way, Joel, I got you a fresh biscuit from the chicken place at the gas station on my way here. Try it with a biscuit. No chicken? No, no chicken.

He's off the chicken. You know, I am off the chicken, but Jennifer Marmon, this reminds me. You know what a big tradition is on Christmas Eve in Japan? Oh, what's that? Joel, you have a guess? Japan. It's right in front of you, buddy. Hot dogs? Close. Fried chicken. Oh, fried chicken. KFC. It is a big tradition in contemporary Japan to eat Kentucky fried chicken on Christmas Eve. I don't know how it started, but people reserve their KFC meals in advance, weeks, maybe months, I don't know, to make sure that they got their Christmas Eve Kentucky fried chicken. So I could have brought you some fried chicken from the place, but instead I brought you a biscuit.

Try putting this on a biscuit, this penny gravy on a biscuit. I think it would be better with sausage. The hot dog kind of, you know. Well, Joel, I know. I do know. You need to elevate it a little bit. Well, I know a sausage gravy is what you would traditionally put on a biscuit. I don't know where they got this waffle idea.

I just put a couple of Eggos on a plate. That's the worst part. I was going to ask what your waffle method was. All right. Turn down my slider so I can have another bite, and you talk to them for a second, Joel. Tell me one of your favorite holiday traditions. Well, that's funny you should ask that.

My favorite holiday tradition that happens the week before Christmas, you guessed it, I'm getting my gallon of scall before Christmas. You guessed it. I'm getting my gallon of scallops today. Oh, no. Oh, that's so exciting. I tell you, I am really excited. I forgot about your scallop gallons. He walks right out of the water and hands them to me.

That's what you said last time. That's not true. He didn't walk right out of the water. He dives. He's out there diving right now for my scallops in Castine Bay. And you go down to the Castine Bay? Down to the dock, yeah. You wait for him to come out of there?

He calls me. He says, come on down. He calls you from under the water? When he's up, you know, with the scallops. Right. So you don't see him arise from the deep like a creature from the Black Lagoon with a gallon of scallops for you. No. That's what I pictured.

He's just sitting on his boat. I might have to get some of those scallops tell you nothing better and how do you cook them well there's this old um women's club cookbook from the 70s and castine i love those and it's called scalloped scallops a la castine and wait a minute. You say scalloped scallops? Right. Scalloped is not a scallop. Scalloped is a pattern. No, you don't say a scalloped potato. I know, but even in Maine, even New England, you don't say scalloped?

Scalloped. Scalloped scallops. A la castine. A la castine. Yes. I understand. Yeah. And you cut them up, the scallops, like in half, and you put them flat.

You don't pile them on top of each other. And then you pour Ritz crackers, crumble them up all over that and work them into that. And then you take heavy cream and sherry and pour it over that until it's above the scallops. And then you put another coating of Ritz crackers into the oven 30 minutes. You'll never taste anything like it. Wow. You didn't make any for me and bring it all the way up here. So for us to microwave?

I don't have them. Maybe next week. Yeah, maybe next week. Hey, we got something else to microwave. And I think it's going to microwave a lot better than this gravy did. Sorry to microwave it, Jennifer Marmer. her wave at Jennifer Marmer, but this is Shane, your husband's mom's recipe for Amish? Chicken noodles. Tell me about this thing. They call them chicken noodles. I mentioned this to you when we were talking about this episode because Bailey in Coralville, Iowa sent in a

recipe that her wife's family uses called Amish noodles. And it's very similar to my mother-in-law's family's recipe. Bailey wrote, my wife and her family have converted me to liking Amish noodles on mashed potatoes. The noodles are boiled and cooked down in chicken stock to cover. So they're almost in a gravy. I was skeptical of this, quote, carbs on carbs concoction. But I am now firmly on board. And you said that this is something that

your mother-in-law makes. Because I think I was saying to you, Jennifer Marmer, this sounds like the most disgusting thing I could ever think of. And you said, I'm insulted. I hadn't heard of tomato soup salad yet. So I didn't know. Right, right. It's all up from tomato soup salad. But, yeah, so my in-laws' family, it's on my mother-in-law's side, so the Mason side, they do these chicken noodles. They don't do the mashed potatoes, but talking with my husband Shane about it, that is something that they've heard of. They know of people who do this type of noodle on mashed potatoes. Our recipes are pretty similar between Bailey's in-laws and my in-laws.

We use chicken in the noodles as well as a can of cream of chicken soup. Yeah, and a whole stick of butter. A whole stick of butter. That is the classic Grandma Mason addition, whole stick of butter. Listeners of this program may remember Grandma Mason as the woman who would wrap up a Vidalia onion for her husband to take to restaurants with him. I can't remember. Was this just to gnaw on or was he going to cut it up and add it to his salad or something?

It was sliced and added to his like burger or whatever. You know, he had to have that Vidalia. He had to have that Vidalia. Yeah. Well, I mean, this is the recipe that you shared with me and the one that I made this morning. Excellent. Jen's mother-in-law's family chicken noodles recipe, colon. Boil chicken broth. Add egg noodles. Parentheses. She does not make these noodles from scratch,

but her mother usually did and would buy them from time to time. Cook for 20 minutes, stirring every five. Add a stick of butter. Add a can of cream of chicken soup. Add shredded chicken, Jennifer Marmer, you suggested grocery store rotisserie chicken. Then let simmer. Now, I do enjoy cooking. And I know that you do too, Joel. what would you say is missing from this recipe? I'm going to answer it for you. No, thank you. Amounts. Amounts of things.

Yeah. Boiled chicken broth, unspecified amount, and egg noodles, unspecified amount. A stick of butter and a can of cream of chicken soup, those are both standards, reasonable standards. The can of cream of chicken soup, those are both standards, reasonable standards. The can of cream of chicken soup is kind of a gross one, but I know what those are. So I wrote to you, Jennifer Marmer, and I said, how much noodles and how much broth? And basically your answer was shrug. But that's because your mother-in-law doesn't use recipes is what you said, correct? No.

You know, we asked my mother-in-law, you know, and she generally does adhere to a recipe very specifically. Like the cooking for 20 minutes, it is going to be exactly 20 minutes. Like I cut it a little bit short because I was like, this is cooked. The broth is going away. We need some of this broth. So like I kind of eyeballed it. This is the only recipe that she is comfortable having it be a guessing game because that's what her mother did. Her mother never used a recipe. So when I asked for clarification, she essentially said shrug to me. Wow. Well, you know, it makes sense because I'm sure it's one of these recipes that were taught from generation to generation in person.

And so it was taught by eyeball, basically. Right. And had not been translated into a casting women's cookbook for scalloped scallops or anything like that. Exactly. So I had to improvise a little bit. So I knew that both via your mother-in-law and Bailey's letter, the idea was to have just enough broth to cover the noodles, which is a very small amount of liquid for pasta. That is not normally what you would do. And second of all, like, so you're going to cook it for 20 minutes.

I don't understand how that doesn't turn into just mush. But I did not have rotisserie chicken handy. So I boiled two quarts of chicken stock that I bought at the supermarket. Kitchen Basics, my favorite. I poached three chicken tenders that I had in a package from a former sponsor of the podcast, Frozen. I defrosted it. Took those out after four and a half minutes. They were just done.

And then I put in enough egg noodles from a bag that they just were underneath the surface of the chicken stock. And that ended up being about a 12-ounce bag. Yep. That sounds right. And I'm going to say this because, you know, your mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law were making their noodles from scratch. I bet that's terrific. I sent someone that I live with who is younger than me to go get some egg noodles from the egg noodle aisle at the Tradewinds and came back with yolk-free, egg-white-only noodles. Whoa.

Some people are still learning how to be. I get it. I get it. Some people are still learning how to be. Yeah. And I know this person does not listen to her dad on any podcast, so I can say safely. I meant get the egg noodles, not the no yolks version. And then I simmered that for 10 minutes because the stock was already hot.

I put it into hot stock. Let it cook for 10 minutes, stirring every five, to panic because my dad, whom I adore, makes a wonderful pasta fagioli or pasta fagioli as we called it growing up. Now, this is made often with a smoked ham hock, Jennifer Marmer, so it's not for you. But this is a tomato-y bean and pasta and ham soup that is so delicious. But it had been – and my dad makes it so well, and there's a whole hunk of Parmesan in there. It's terrific. Very, very hearty. You ever have that pasta visual, Joel?

Pasta visual? Pasta visual. Pasta via Joel. Something else they named after me. Yeah, that's right. Terrible. Terrible. Terrible. But my dad got a slow cooker and didn't realize you can't add the pasta until the end, right?

You put in the pasta at the beginning. At the end of the slow cooker because it just is a new thing. The pasta Vajol came out and the, I think it's dilatini, the little tubes, little tubetti, you know, whatever they are. They're like, you pick one up and it would just fall apart in your fingers. It was gross. He understands it. He's never made the mistake again. That's what I thought was going to happen.

I was so traumatized by pretending to like this years ago. I was like, I'm not going to let this happen to the noodles, no matter what Jennifer's mother-in-law says. Sorry, Shane. Fair. Ten minutes is fine. Maybe it's different if you've got yolks in your noodles. But for the no yolks, ten minutes?

I will say I love my in-laws dearly. It's a mushy dish. I think that they just – it ends up mushy dish. I think that they just it ends up mushy. I don't know if that's the intent but it's mushy. They don't even put it on mashed potatoes. You gotta have some bite to these things. They can't be

falling apart because they're going to continue to cook because after 10 minutes I added that cream of chicken soup which was, I've never opened a can of cream of chicken soup. Have you Joel? No. Yeah added that cream of chicken soup, which was – I've never opened a can of cream of chicken soup. Have you, Joel? No. Yeah.

The cream of chicken soup was not for me to look at. I didn't enjoy it. The stick of butter, I've seen those plenty of times. I'm comfortable with those. And then I mixed it all up and I shredded my tendies, as Nick Weiger would say on the Doughboys, the podcast that I really wish we had started from the very beginning because we would be very famous now, but we're happy where we are. It's fantastic. Family of listeners, I love you so much. But the point is, I mix it all together. I just let it simmer. Oh, there's one other thing that was not in the recipe. Did you

notice it, Joel? No. Salt and pepper. Zero seasonings. Zero seasonings. Yeah. I called Shane in to say, does this look right to you? Because I was thinking, I'm like, I feel like I remember using pepper in this before. Maybe not salt because the rotisserie chicken is seasoned and there's probably salt in the cream of chicken. And there's salt in the butter. So maybe that's okay. And Shane and the stock i use kitchen basics as well um it's the only time and shane said you know you could also put some pepper in

there and i was all too glad to take my pepper grinder and go all over the place i did take the liberty of trying of adding some salt and pepper good and. And in a moment, we're going to go taste it. Joel and I are going to take another little microwave break. And we're going to hear from a friend of the show, Josh Gondelman. That's right. Who sent in some holiday greetings from his neck of the woods, New York City. I don't know why I'm making a big deal of it. It's like wherever a podcaster lives, it's not in Los Angeles.

All right. Let's go microwave, Joel. All right. Hi, Judge John Hodg'm making a big deal of it. It's like wherever a podcaster lives, it's not in Los Angeles. All right, let's go microwave, Joel. Hi, Judge John Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse Thorne and producer Jennifer and the whole Judge John Hodgman team. This is Josh Gondelman. I hope I'm not too presumptuous to say friend of the show.

I'm a comedian. I'm the host of the podcast Make My Day, which is on hiatus. I'm a writer and producer for Desus and Mero and Showtime, which is also on hiatus. And I'm thrilled to be here at your virtual holiday party. My favorite things to eat or drink over the holidays. Gosh, I've got to go with potato latkes, possibly Judaism's greatest carbohydrate. And then, this one might be controversial, peppermint stick ice cream, which I think should not even be seasonal.

We can get peppermint all year round. And people say it tastes like toothpaste. We should be so lucky. Toothpaste, you mean a flavor that we put in our mouths several times a day without complaint or adjustment every day? Yeah, we could do worse than toothpaste. day, yeah, we could do worse than toothpaste. Also, my New Year's resolution for next year is to use my procrastination time to enjoy my life. Instead of scrolling online for hours at a time thinking I'll do work, just to cut bait on the idea of being productive and just finally watch The Sopranos or something, that's what I want to do. If I'm not doing the things I'm supposed to be doing,

I at least want to be doing the things I want to be doing. Happy holidays, John, team, listeners. Be well in the new year. Bye. Oh, thank you so much, Josh Gondelman. Unfortunately, I didn't hear what Josh had to say because we were microwaving up some noodles. I'm sure it was very sweet, though.

Am I right, Jennifer Marmer? It was sweeter than a peppermint stick ice cream. Jennifer Marmer, Joel and I are now back from the microwave. Uh-huh. I have microwaved up the noodles. I'm stirring them around. All right. Three minutes seemed to be the right amount.

This is what it looks like. It came out nice and creamy. Yeah. I think the noodles still have basic structural integrity. Joel? Yes, Judge? You go ahead and slide down, take a bite, and then slide back up and tell me what you think of just the noodles. Just the noodles.

Yeah. Joel is taking a bite. He's off mic for the moment because we're trying to be less disgusting for once in our lives. He's chewing. Wait, Joel, don't finish. He's off mic for the moment because we're trying to be less disgusting for ones in our lives. He's chewing. Wait, Joel, don't finish. He's nodding. They're good. I like the noodles.

They're good. They seem to be seasoned well. I like a good yolk, but it's all right. Well, yeah, I could have put a whole yolk in there for you. I'm sorry. Next time. Slide me down. I'm going to take a bite.

Slide me up. Slide me up. You're there. I'm going to take a bite. Slide me up. Slide me up. You're there. I'm going to tell you something right now, Jennifer Marmer. I think this is God or whatever damn delicious. Yeah. You know the only thing that would make it better? It's creamy.

It's not too salty. It's very nicely peppery. Yeah. You said you would add something to it, though, right? Smoked paprika. Smoked paprika would be would add something to it, though, right? A smoked paprika. Smoked paprika would be nice. Just give it a little more kick. That would give it a little something.

And it would give it a little bit of color. Right. Like if you have this. Very beige. Yeah. It's a pallid, a very pallid entree. Yeah. You know, Bailey said something in her letter that I thought was interesting that, you know, her wife and her family have converted her to liking these noodles.

And, you know, I also was an outsider coming into a family where this was traditional food. And it didn't take much converting. But like, you know, I really look forward to these noodles every Christmas Eve. This is some very classic Midwestern soupy casserole deliciousness. And I think that if you were to put this into a casserole and then dusted it with that smoked paprika on top, it would not only taste a little bit better, it would look a lot better. But I don't mean to correct you. What Bailey was converted to was not merely the noodles, but also the carb on carb, putting the noodles on top of mashed potatoes. Now, Joel, I didn't get you any chicken from the chicken place at the gas station, but

they do have mashed potatoes, and I picked some up. Have you tried the combo? No. All right. Let's try the combo. I'm putting the noodles on the mashed potatoes. I made tried the combo? No. All right, let's try the combo. I'm putting the noodles on the mashed potatoes. I made some mashed potatoes as well. Oh, you made your own, right? I did, yeah. Here it is. It's a nice. Let me see yours. Mush. Yeah, that looks really good.

That looks really nice. I made a lot of mashed potatoes, but I don't know how not to make a lot. Here's how you don't make a lot of mashed potatoes. Get them from the gas station. There you go. That's the best way to do it. I went through the same thing and I realized I'm passing by the gas station. Jennifer Marmer is having her bite. Joel, slide me down.

Okay, here we go. Wait a minute. Have you had your bite? No. Of the combo? No. All right, slide down and take a bite. He's taking a bite.

Jennifer Marmer has taken her bite. I have. What do you think about the combo Jennifer Marmer? Because you're done. I like it. It's a little heavy on the mush because I did, as my mother-in-law tends to do. So it's a lot of mush and it's a lot of beige. Yeah.

And you know that they say you eat with your eyes. Right. But it does taste good to me. It has the creamy color of a 1981 wall-to-wall carpeting in a Conran's decor book. You like that one, Joel? You love those Conran's jokes, don't you? All right. Slide me down. I'm taking my bite.

Go. Slide me up. Slide me up. Slide me up. You there? There shouldn't be mashed potatoes in this dish. It's not necessary. It's the best gas station mashed potatoes ever. Yeah.

And the noodles are really delicious. But you're right. It'd be better in a casserole. Yeah. But together, I would never. Bailey, this is your judge speaking. Your wife's family's got it wrong. Just make the noodles right.

You don't need the mashed potatoes. Jennifer Marmer, this is your judge speaking. Your mother-in-law does it right, except cut the time in half. All right, I've got to eat some more of these incredible noodles. Let's take a break. We'll be back for the conclusion of our office holiday party here on the Judgetown Hodgman Podcast, including eggnog with Sprite. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year.

Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm.

Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. I'm Valerie Moffitt. I'm a production fellow here at Maximum Fun, and I edit the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

My favorite thing to eat or drink during the holiday season is just a hot cup of coffee on Christmas morning. My parents have always been big coffee drinkers, and I have never been much of a morning person. And so having just a hot cup of coffee first thing in the morning on Christmas morning, So having just a hot cup of coffee first thing in the morning on Christmas morning really – there's just something special about it and it's real nice. That's all. Hey, that was Valerie Moffitt. She introduced herself obviously, but I just wanted to say thank you, Valerie, for editing so deftly over the past year. Is it a year or longer, Jennifer Marmer?

At least I would say a year. I don't know. It's hard to keep track of time these days. It is hard to keep track of time. It feels like forever and just 30 seconds. But Valerie, thank you so much for being part of the Judge John Hodgman team and the Maximum Fun team. And we really, really appreciate you. And a cup of coffee on an early or even late holiday morning. That sounds very, very good, especially after I've eaten all those noodles. I could really use a cup of coffee now. So thank you very much, Valerie.

This is the Judge John Hodgman Podcast, the last segment of our last episode of the year 2021. Our office holiday party is coming to a close with dessert. And then, of course, eggnog with Sprite. But first, dessert. This concoction was suggested to us by listener Dana, pronounced like banana, it says here. Thank you very much, Jennifer Marmot. Cool.

Dana like banana? That was Dana. That was all Dana was doing. I'm sure Dana has been having to say Dana like banana for many, many years. Good job, Dana. Dana's family has traditionally had pineapple. Oh. Sorry.

That's okay. Let's keep it on there. It's my scallop guy. It's the scallop guy is texting. Are the scallops ready? Do you got to go right now? Is he on the dock? No, he's coming over to Bucksport, so he'll drop them off.

He's going to drop them off? You don't have to go down to the dock? I think so. All right. Well, that was a timely text because this is the dramatic moment where I say pineapple and marshmallow fluff on Christmas Eve. Joel. Yeah. Stop texting with your scallop guy for a second.

Okay. You know what marshmallow fluff is. I've tried to avoid it, yeah. It is a New England staple. Jennifer Marmer, you know what marshmallow fluff is. I do. Did you ever have it growing up? Not growing up.

In the West Coast, we had marshmallow cream. Oh. Which was, you know, made by Jet Puff or whatever. And it was just, I think it's a similar idea. Same deal though? Spreadable marshmallow in a jar? Yes, exactly. And would you combine marshmallow cream with peanut butter to make a marshmallow and peanut butter sandwich?

What we call here a fluffernutter? I had heard about it, but I never did that. You've never done it, but you found some marshmallow fluff in California. And you are also going to join us in dipping pineapple chunks in marshmallow fluff. Yeah. So Dana grew up in Sacramento. They don't know if this is regional to someplace other than Sacramento or who made it up. Apparently, it comes from Dana's mom's parents.

And Dana writes, since it comes from her parents and she mentioned adding a little water to the fluff to improve dipping texture uh i'm gonna say all i did was cut up a pineapple and put some fluff in a paper bowl and i'm gonna i'm gonna have one of these fancy lelegance toothpicks and i'm gonna dip it right in the fluff because i tried adding water to it and it turned into a real mess so i tried tried adding water to it. I did it in this little plastic cup. It looks like an art class when you have like a cup of glue or paste. And I, you know, tried to mix it with the water and it did make a little bit of a mess, but I was successful. I don't have the same toothpick that you do. I have the kind with the little cellophane. Oh, you got a frilly, you got a cellophane frill. Very nice. Yeah.

Well, I'll say this. Appropriate. Just from the aroma, it's not as gross as I worried it would be. And now I'm going to try one. Slide me down. Oh, I was going to try it and I lost my pineapple in the fluff. Just doesn't want to stick to that toothpick.

The fluff is too strong. Okay, I'm going to taste it as well. All right, I just tried it. This is about the best pineapple you can get in Maine in December. I'll tell you that, first of all. Yeah, I was skeptical of buying a pineapple in December, even in California. I was slim pickings at the Gelson's. Yeah, but I found a pineapple.

I chopped it up. I'm going to say I like this. This isn't bad. I do too. Joel, have you tried yours? I like it a lot. No, found a pineapple. I chopped it up. I'm going to say I like this. This isn't bad. I do too. Joel, have you tried yours? I like it a lot. No, here I go. All right.

Joel is trying his. He's dipped the pineapple into the fluff. There is something light and cool and tropical breezy about it. I love pineapple. Yeah. Even on pizza. Oh, boy. That's a controversial point of view but

fluff i just don't want to go there it's not for you no you don't like it no okay even smoky paprika won't fix it i have i had a case of fluff that i was going to donate to the station but no it sounds like no okay what about on scallops you ever have a pineapple scallops? A fluffer. Oh, fluffer. Instead of a fluffer nutter sandwich, a fluffer. On a seared scallop. A fluffer scallop. Oh boy. On a sabata. Dial me down again, Jennifer Marmer talk, because I'm going to go in for another bite here. Okay. I got to say, I really like this one a lot. And I'm unlike Joel, I am a big fan of the marshmallow fluff. I haven't had it a ton in my life. But when I was getting the, you know, fluff water sauce ready for this tasting earlier today, I licked the spoon and I was very pleased. I was super into it.

Joel is too busy eating another piece of pineapple. Did you put fluff on it? No. No, just straight up pineapple. On the rocks. Pretty good pineapple for Maine in December, I have to say. Thank you, global supply chain. We need to survive. Hey, if combining pineapple and marshmallow fluff helps you to survive, go ahead and do it.

If combining pineapple and marshmallow fluff helps you to survive, go ahead and do it. What I would suggest is cube the pineapple and toss it in fluff. Ah. And then have it with a little fork. Does that sound okay? What do you think, Jennifer Marmer? Sure. That sounds fine.

There is something a little bit fun about having it, dipped, but I did have some difficulty. I lost the pineapple chunk in the fluff. It was just bringing it down. I would say that the fluff has such a unique and strange texture when you open up that jar of fluff. And of course, I had forgotten the jar of fluff weighs nothing. If you have a jar of peanut butter and a jar of fluff, the fluff feels like it's going to lift out of your hand because it's just whipped sugar. Exactly. And when you open it up, it's got that very uncanny texture that's so strange and mesmerizing. I wouldn't mess with that with water or anything

like that. Let the pineapple water the fluff. That's always been my motto anyway. That's a good point. Well, I am looking at this feast and here's what I've got in front of me. I have got some congealed penny gravy over a completely untouched Eggo waffle, two pieces of pineapple in a paper bowl full of fluff, a carton of mashed potatoes from the chicken place at the gas station, the empty cup of Jägermeister and orange juice, and one bite of tomato soup salad vacant from this otherwise sea of tomato soup salad, which is gross. wise sea of tomato soup salad, which is gross. I mean, it really is just only four by three inches or so of glass container, but it looks like a terrible ocean that wants to kill me as though we're the ocean of Maine. It's a little song that I made up. We are now at the eggnog portion,

and then we will say happy holidays and farewell on this very night of the winter solstice as we were recording this. This is the longest night of the winter solstice as we were recording this this is the longest night of the year joel is so ready he's grabbing that eggnog and that cup so let us get set up here while you play one more greeting from our friend monty belmonti down in western massachusetts wintertime no sun, lots of holiday fun time. Guest bailiff, Monty Belmonte. I have not had enough Jägermeister to endure the puns I'm sure he has put into this. So let's let it roll.

Well, hello. I'm so happy to be invited to the Judge John Hodgman Holiday Office Party. I'm summertime fun time guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, but I guess I'm wintertime fun time guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, but I guess wintertime fun time guest bailiff Monty Belmonte right now. My favorite thing to eat during the holidays is it's difficult to go and get this at a store. I don't know if it exists, but since I was born with my Italian family on Christmas Eve, we have had lobster sauce. So it's a tomato base sauce, but instead of like meatballs and sausages with it, it is made with lobsters. Instead of my grandmother making it like when I was a kid and then after my grandmother died, my uncle taking your pot. And then a couple of live lobsters that you kill and then bake stuff, their tails,

put their bodies in the tomato sauce and eat it with linguine is the best. And that's my favorite thing to eat during the holidays to drink this year. I'm going to have a bottle of Montenidoli Il Garulo Chianti. It's made by this wonderful little old lady in Chianti, a real pioneer when it comes to the world of winemaking. And she reminds me so much of my grandmother, so I'll be having it with a bottle of that. And then for the following week on New Year's Eve,

I'm hoping to get a bottle of my favorite champagne, which is Billicart Samone. And if you can afford the rosé version of it, you've been having a really good year. So, and I can't, so you can get me one if you want to. Thanks. Have a happy holiday. Thank you very much, Monty Belmonte. I hope to get to Western Mass soon and go to the Shea Theater. Shea Theater is a terrific community theater that does lots of local presentations that Monty is on the board of, and it deserves your support if you can offer it. In the meantime, there is no more putting this off.

Joel, do you have your eggnog before you? I do. I have my eggnog before me. This is a quality New England brand, a quality New England dairy called Hood. And this is just their stuff they sell at the supermarket. I couldn't get any of the fancy pants eggnog. And even if I could, I didn't want to mix it with Sprite. What's the ratio here, Judge?

I think we're just going to have to make it up. But before we do the Sprite, we're going to do the orange juice. Jennifer Marmer, do you have – let's taste the eggnog first and then we'll add the orange juice. Orange juice? Wait, orange juice or orange soda? Sorry. Orange soda. Let me reset.

Whoa, Joel's already on his way. Never mind. Things at this holiday party are getting out of hand. It's orange soda. Jennifer Marmon, do you have eggnog? I do. I prepared my drinks and then brought them into the studio. So I don't have the plain eggnog with me. It's in the refrigerator. I did sample it before I mixed it with anything earlier today. It's the – I don't – you know what? I've never said this brand out loud. Broger? Bro-ger? I don't know.

It has a cow on it. Milk so fresh the cow doesn't know it's missing. Bro- Their tagline. Bro-share. Okay. Well, I'm in a bit of a pickle here because – Joel, did you open both of these by any chance? No. Okay. pickle here because Joel did you open both of these by any chance no okay because I I have opened this brand new carton of eggnog that I got at the supermarket yesterday and did not touch

but it doesn't have the pull tab in it and it's clearly there's some it's been taken out you want some of mine uh yeah okay you didn't drink from the carton did you no okay masks on and you can pour some into my cup. Just one of those unpredictable things at an office holiday party. Okay, my guess is that the young person who is in my family, who got the no-yolk egg noodles, may have sampled some of this eggnog before I left the house. They were missing these yolks. Yeah, that's right.

Let's hope that it's that and not someone at the trade winds trying to poison me. Alright, now I'm just going to test this eggnog because just as a default I've never had this brand before. Definitely tastes like grocery store eggnog. It has its charms. Now, I'm going to add, I'm going to save some for the Sprite experiment.

Now, I'm going to add orange soda, Joel, is the first thing up. Okay. I'm doing like a one-to-one. Yeah, I think that's right, one-to-one. Yeah, I think that's right. One-to-one. That's about what I did. Wow. It's like a dreamsicle.

I was just going to say, like a creamsicle, right? Creamsicle. Yeah, I don't like eggnog. This makes it better, the orange soda. Wow. Jennifer Marmon. I also am not a big nog fan. Very thick.

That's good. Wow. I'm am not a big nog fan. Very thick. That's good. Wow. I'm going to drink the whole thing. I've never seen Joel Mann get so excited about a non-scallop food or beverage in my life. Who suggested the orange soda and eggnog? Pam near Seattle. She told you to forget eggnog and Sprite. The answer is eggnog and orange soda. Pam near Seattle. Thank you for suggesting that.

Now I'm going to try it. It sure smells terrific, I have to say. Gee, your nog smells terrific. Gee, your nog smells. You're making reference to the 1970s shampoo commercials where everyone said, gee, your hair smells terrific. The product itself was called Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific. And it promised you that if you washed your hair with it, strangers would be smelling your hair all the time and commenting on it. Sounds like a thing I don't want to try.

No, I know. Exactly. Happens to me all the time. Joel is folliculary challenged, as a weird dad might say. Boy, oh boy, this is a real... It's dreamy. It is dreamy. This is a real discovery, Pam, near Seattle.

All right. You lose a little nog, but it's certainly, it's good. I like it. I sign off on that. A little vodka, you're all set. Whoa, okay. If that's your...

Oh. Right? I don't know how that would change the... I don't think much. Vodka, you're all set. Whoa, okay. If that's your, right. I don't know how that would change the. I don't think much. Yeah, it would thin it out a little bit. A little bit, yeah. Huh.

All right, I'll have to go tell the nog thief at my house to try adding some orange soda to it next time. Okay, here we are. This is it. There's nothing left but the nog and the Sprite. There comes a time when the holiday office party must come to an end. Luckily, this year, none of us embarrassed ourselves. We all will go home with dignity and to enjoy this winter solstice in peaceful contemplation with our friends and loved ones. I hope that you may do so, too, whether you are with friends and loved ones or all by yourself. I love you and I wish you a very, very peaceful solstice and OK plus New Year.

That's my toast, but I forgot to put the Sprite in the eggnog, so I'm going to do that now. You can also use 7-Up according to Chad. Chad, I didn't get to try your fried bologna appetizer recipe because it's basically fried bologna. That was the recipe. It's probably pretty good. Fried bologna, roll it up, put an elegant toothpick into it. That's a good thing you can do. An upnog is what he enjoys.

That's eggnog with seven up. I'll note right now that the eggnog with Sprite is much foamier for some reason. Did you notice that? Yeah. Yeah. And it kind of does the same thing, but it's not as good as the orange soda, I think. I'd go with the orange. Milder.

Yeah. And it veers, it's weird because it veers into kind of a pepperminty vibe for me. I mean, there's no peppermint, obviously. Right. But it's got that kind of a light, effervescent, minty vibe. It's like the minty vibe of a shamrock shake at McDonald's. Yeah, yeah. The light mojito-y minty.

All right. Here's what I'm going to say. I'm the judge. I'm going to tell you what. Dan, your dear friend Matt may be a dear friend and he can like whatever he likes, but this tastes like toothpaste to me and I don't like it. I would be more impressed if I hadn't just had eggnog and orange soda, which was truly one of the most surprising holiday miracles I've ever put in my mouth. Sorry, this nog got overshadowed by Pam near Seattle.

She's right. Forget eggnog with Sprite, Matt. Dan's correct. I find in his favor. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is basically all for 2021. Thank you so much, Jennifer Marmer, for being our producer. Thank you, Joel, for being here with me in Maine today and trying all these foods. Thank you so much to Valerie Moffitt for being the editor. Thank you so much to Jesse Thorne.

I hope you're getting some rest and recovering swiftly. And thank you to all of you listeners for being with us this year. Who knew that 2021 I would be back in this radio station hiding in the cold and snow. Dark. I do. It's dark. It's dark. But this is the winter solstice. Let us hope that there are longer, brighter, sunnier, warmer days ahead. I have a feeling we'll get there.

You can listen to WERU, of course, at WERU.org. You can follow Joel on Instagram. His handle is TheMainMan. You can follow us on Twitter. I'm at Hodgman. Jesse is at Jesse Thorne. We are also on Instagram, and you can be sure there are going to be a lot of photos of a lot of foods over at Judge John Hodgman on Instagram.

If you want a chance to name one of our cases, follow us on Twitter. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO. share your own unusual or very, very usual favorite holiday memories, treats, traditions, whatever they may be. Submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO or email Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. We'll talk to you next time in a whole new year on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.