Judge John Hodgman - The Leisure Suit

Episode Date: July 30, 2014

Stacey brings the case against her boyfriend Greg. When they go on trips together, Greg likes to dawdle and take his time getting on the road. Stacey wants to get out bright and early.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. I'm your guest bailiff, Monty Belmonte from WRSI 93.9 The River in Northampton, in for Jesse Thorne. This week, leisure suit. Stacey brings the case against her boyfriend, Greg. They enjoy traveling together on vacation, but they always get off to a late start. Stacey wants to get up early, get on the road, and take advantage of their vacation time. Greg wants to be well-rested and take things slow. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. I think I could turn to live with animals. They are so placid, so self-contained. I stand

and look at them long and long. They do not sweat and whine about their condition. They do not lay awake in the dark and weep for their sins. They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God. Not one is dissatisfied. Not one is demented with the mania of owning things. Not one kneels to another nor his kind that lived thousands of years ago. Not one is respectable or unhappy over the whole earth. Walt Whitman, Harry, a great man. End quote. Monty Belmonte, swear them in.

Stacey and Greg, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Clark Griswold or whomever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that Hodgman is currently at his brand new vacation home and you are actually probably interrupting his vacation?

Yes. Yes. Thank you. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Stacey and Greg, you may be seated. For an immediate summary judgment

in one of yours favors, can either of you name the piece of culture that I was quoting as I entered the courtroom? I cannot. I've got no idea. You cannot?

I definitely do not know what that was, no. Neither one of you recognized the Walt Whitman quote? I said Walt Whitman at the end of it. Oh, I thought you were saying... I thought that would be a little too obvious, yeah. I thought it was a poem about Walt Whitman at the zoo. You would have been wrong had you guessed.

Almost all of the quote is a Walt Whitman quote, up until the very end when the person speaking it says that's walt whitman harry a great man the person speaking the quote was not walt whitman he was quoting walt whitman in a movie the actor's name is strother martin the character's name is dr carl stoner anybody have a guess yet? Anybody? Monty? The movie is called Ssss. And there's no way that you would have known it because it has nothing to do with your case except for the fact we just recorded a podcast about snakes

and I realized I should have used the movie Ssss as the cultural reference for that one because it would have been perfect. And so it was a bit of unfair for you but but you get the benefit in all the same of of of hearing the imdb plot summary of the movie 1973 that's if you're wondering that's spelled s s s s s s s one two three four S-S-S-S-S-S-S. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven S's. David, a college student played by Dirk Benedict, is looking for a job. He's hired by Dr. Stoner as a lab assistant for his research and experiments on snakes.

David also begins to fall for Stoner's young daughter, Christina. However, the doctor has secretly brewed up a serum that can transform any man into a king cobra. And he uses it on Davidid it's a weird weird movie you guys i used to watch it on channel 56 in boston uh when i lived in brookline my hometown but i'm no longer in massachusetts where monty is monty of course is in northampton massachusetts at the studios of wrsi the river fm 93.9 in northampton. I am at the studios of WERU Community Radio 89.9 FM in the state of Maine, in Blue Hill, Maine. And you guys are where?

Where are you guys in the world, Stacy? And say your name again, sir. Jeff, Bill, Todd. Greg. Greg, right now. I knew it was one of two Gs. What? Go. Where are you from, Greg and Stacy? Well, we live in Roanoke, Virginia right now. I knew it was one of two G's. What? Go. Where are you from, Greg and Stacy?

We live in Roanoke, Virginia right now. And that's where we're from. In Roanoke, Virginia. All right. Well, I'm not actually from Roanoke. I grew up south of here in the Appalachian Mountains. And Greg is actually from Washington State. That's true. But we both live here now. Okay, gotcha. And are you married?

We are not married. We're just special friends. Special friends? Special friends, yes. And you live together there in Roanoke? Nope, we live separately. Oh, okay. And how long have you...

Most of the time. How long have you... This is a family podcast, Stacy. Easy. And how long have you, how long have you, well, this is a family podcast, Stacey, easy. You know, I'm a, there are a lot of people who come on the podcast who are special friends and in romantic relationships who live together and are not married. And I usually point out that they're getting all of the burden of financial partnership without any of the legal protections of marriage.

So as far as I'm concerned, you guys are doing it right. You know what? Everyone's doing it right. I'm not mad at anybody. I'm on vacation. That's why I got my summer bailiff with me all the way from Massachusetts, and I'm in Maine. So you guys live separately but are special friends. How long have you been special friends?

About a year and a half. All right, cool. And Stacey, what do you do down there in Roanoke? I just finished my first year of teaching sixth grade science. All right, good for you. So are you brewing up a serum that will turn a man into a king cobra? I was working on it, but I lost it, I guess. I don't know. All right. And Greg, what do you do in Roanoke? I was working on it, but I lost it, I guess. I don't know. And Greg, what do you do in Roanoke? I'm an airline pilot for a regional airline that's based here.

Oh, cool. What's the regional airline? Roanoke Air? No. It's Piedmont Airlines, but we're wholly owned by U.S. Airways, which is now, I guess, American Airlines. It's complicated. You are a pilot for Piedmont Airlines, but we're wholly owned by U.S. Airways, which is now, I guess, American Airlines. It's complicated. You are a pilot for Piedmont Airlines?

That is correct. I didn't know that Piedmont Airlines still existed. It does, but since we're wholly owned by U.S. Airways, which is now American, then our airplanes don't say Piedmont anymore. They just say U.S. Airways. What is your age, if I may ask? I'm 27. And, well, I got a lot of questions. Sorry about that sixth grade teacher. I love teachers, but we tend to get a lot more teachers on the podcast than airline pilots. So I just have a few questions to ask.

Yeah, go ahead. pilot. So I just have a few, I have a few questions to ask. Go ahead. Just, okay. I'm sorry. I'm not going to not ask a pilot a bunch of questions about being a pilot. It's really okay. I love hearing him talk about his job too. All right. So you're 27 years old. May I presume that you were a member of the United States Air Force at one point? No, I was not.

Okay, so you trained to fly as a civilian completely? Yes. Oh, all right. And so did you always know that you were going to become a pilot? Yeah, I decided I would be a pilot when I was in third grade. Wow. And you were not inclined to join the Air Force and receive training there? No, I mean, I thought about it for a little while. But to do that, you kind of have to give the Air Force like at least 10 or maybe 12 years.

Right. And I'd have to get a haircut. And it's just it's not quite my style. Yeah, that's why that's why all the male pilots that you see are all you know, salt and pepper haired dudes in their 50s, right? Because they gave all their good piloting years to the government and to the protection of our nation, and now they're just coasting away in the skies. Yeah. But you wanted to be the long-haired, young rebel pilot. I did, yeah.

And that's why you work for piedmont airlines and not for a major airline no i'm just yeah so wow you went the other the do i labor under a a misapprehension i i had always presumed that most most airline pilots men and women were were had had served in the military at one point. Yeah, that's no longer the case. That used to be the case, but these days, the majority of us are all sort of civilian trained, I'd say. Oh, is that so? Yeah, definitely. I'm glad to know this.

Is there a special school that specializes in training commercial pilots? Yeah, there's a few colleges around the country. I went to the University of North Dakota, which has one of the biggest programs in the country, and spent five years in North Dakota learning how to fly. So when you arrived at dear old Airline University, how many hours of flying had you logged when you started going to the school? I actually got my private pilot's license at a different aviation university which i didn't like very much but when i started

training in college though i had no no experience so i started from scratch in college oh wow okay cool yeah good and um and and and you're very good and you have never had any accidents, I presume. Nope, no accidents. Knock on wood. Piedmont, the only reason I got freaked out about Piedmont Airlines is that one time David Reese and I had done a show in Asheville, North Carolina, and there's a very small airport there that had a little museum of aviation. And at one point, I believe that Piedmont was based out of North Carolina. And they had a lot of Piedmont paraphernalia there. And I love all those small regional and medium-sized regional airlines

because there used to be a lot of different ones, Allegheny and Eastern and all those relatively regional airlines. And they all had their own uniforms and signage and logos and everything else. And David Reese, who you may know as the host of the fantastic new show on National Geographic Channel, Going Deep with David Reese, check it out Monday nights at 10. I'll market that all day long. But David Reese and I just marveled at all of the Piedmont Airlines menus, at all of the Piedmont Airlines menus,

and they had a perfectly replicated lunch tray that was served to a passenger in, say, 1969 on Piedmont Airlines, including a little can of Piedmont Punch. Do you still have Piedmont Punch? No, not at all, nope. It was the greatest. I don't know why I found this so fascinating. But that wasn't even the best part of the museum of aviation the museum of aviation was a corner of the airport that they that they had just put together for no really because they had an extra corner in the airport

and after they displayed all their piedmont uniforms and their piedmont punches and so forth they kind of didn't know what to do next so they started showing like here is a tray that you put your shoes in and that would and then that would be an exhibit in the in the in the in the museum and it had a little card saying uh shoe tray and then i was like here are some of the things that people read on airplanes and they had a a copy of uh of carry by stephen king a paperback copy of carry by stephen king as an exhibit in, in the museum of aviation. It was the, it was like someone just completely ran out of ideas and they were just grabbing stuff that they had in the closet. It was,

it was one of my favorite museums of all time. That sounds pretty great. And then I had, and then I heard a story from another guy recently who, when he was a kid, he was flying Piedmont and one of the, and one of the engines fell off and they made an emergency landing in austin and he's never flown since then fell off well or something it exploded

sure and i said to him how many millions of dollars did you get from piedmont airlines and he said zero but that was under different that was under different ownership greg so yeah i'm not holding you responsible for what happened. That was before you were born, probably. Probably, yeah. That's why they got two engines, in case one falls off. I guess that's true. What size planes do you fly?

I fly the de Havilland Dash 8 that seats 50 people. 5-0 or 1-5? 5-0, yeah. I fly the small version seats 37 and the larger version seats 50, 5-0 or 1-5? 5-0, yeah. The small version seats 37, and the larger version seats 50, 5-0. 37, that's pretty small. Is that a propeller plane? Yeah, they're both propeller planes, yeah. Monty, you still there?

I'm here. This has been Pilot Talk with John and Greg. One last question about this. When you fly that 37 seater, do you have to hand out the drinks? No, we have a flight attendant. Really? Yeah. Someone was telling me that they were on a flight once where the air where the it was so small that the pilot hit autopilot and then walked back and forth saying you guys want a soda? Yeah. Does that happen? That happens on airplanes with 19 or less seats i think it's above 19 you have to have a flight attendant i can't uh someone's gonna remind me who was

telling me this but their answer was i'd rather you fly the plane it sounds terrifying i can't i can't take credit for that one but it was that... That's why there's two of us. That's true. That's true. All right. Now... Is it a Monday to Friday plane? Just curious. A what?

Does it fly weekdays? Is it a Monday to Friday? You like a Monday to Friday plane? I fly all days of the week, just any day. Do you ever have to transport monkey-fighting snakes on it? Not yet. Can't say that I have yet. I have a feeling this whole podcast is just going to be a callback to last week's podcast and I feel very bad for you guys. I'm just going to let it go right there.

Enough for me. And Stacey, you teach science to sixth graders? Yeah. Do you teach them how airplanes work? Well, actually, it's come up a couple of times. Like if we're talking about the weather and stuff, I'll be like, oh, you know, I've been in an airplane a few times and this is what the clouds look like from up there. And being in this area, I mean, I guess a lot of the kids probably don't get to go on planes that much. So they always think that's pretty interesting. Yeah. And, you know, as the husband of a high school teacher, may I say the work you do is equally fascinating and inarguably more important than shuttling wealthy people from Charlotte to Asheville because they don't feel like driving or wanting to go to school. Well, I mean, I don't drag chemtrails behind me everywhere. So it's better for the environment anyway. Do you guys listen to the Roderick on the Line podcast with John Roderick by any chance? I've listened to it maybe like once, but...

I don't think I have. John, you know, I'm very happy to have Summer Bailiff Monty Belmonte here, but I'm sad that John Roderick, who right now is, I think, flying in one of your five-seater planes from Martha's Vineyard to Boston, having played a show down there, can't be on the line, because that guy thinks about two things,

basically, in life, airplanes and chemtrails. That's his own thing. That's one thing. I know he had it confirmed. Yeah, he thinks, actually, he thinks about a thousand things in life, but chemtrails and airlines are something he thinks about a thousand things in life but chemtrails and and uh and and and uh and airlines are something he thinks about a lot oh well if you're listening

john i'm sorry you're not here and guys you need to be listening to roderick on the line and maybe call in and talk about chemtrails and flying for peatmont airlines but now this is my podcast not the roderick on the line podcast stacy you have a problem which is that your special friend greg the pilot uh refuses to get up on time to go on vacations with you is that correct tell me your story yeah that's essentially it um especially once i started teaching we rarely had a lot of time off to go and do stuff together and it just so happens that we have rarely ever gotten away for any kind of day trip or vacation or anything before before noon wait a minute wait one wait one minute when has a human ever said since i started teaching i barely have any vacation time

i was thinking the same exact thing what are you talking about and your and your and your special fella here is a is an airline pilot who can go anywhere how is it that you guys are challenged for vacations well i mean i i'm off right now so i can't complain i'm still getting used to this whole having the the summer off thing and that's true but i mean like when i do have vacation off it doesn't mean greg does right there yeah there is a greg there's no time that greg has any time off in the two months that you have off yeah well he he took some time off just recently on our last vacation we just got back from ireland and he had to take time off to

do that all right so you went to so let's use that as a case study okay you you went to Ireland for how long a week and a half and the problem is that Greg doesn't want to wake up in the morning is that correct yeah that's that's definitely the problem, are you saying that he sleeps late when you want to get up and go away for the vacation, or every day that you're on vacation he sleeps late? Oh gosh, both. He sleeps late on vacation, and he also sleeps late when we're trying to leave on any trip. And he also insists that he has coffee and leisure time in the mornings. And even if we don't get up until, you know, 1030 or 11, and we're trying to go somewhere, it's like, now it's time

to listen to podcasts and drink coffee and move very slowly. You flew to Ireland, I presume, right? Yes. Yeah. So, Greg, do you, because you're a pilot, do you get to tell the plane when you want to take off? No, that's definitely not the case. No. Okay. How late do you sleep in the morning, Greg? I usually like to sleep until at least 10, 10 or 11. 10 or 11? Yeah. Did you say you were 27 years old or or 11 years old 27 you may not have heard you okay right yep uh but because you're a pilot you have weird hours and maybe you're working late the night before i i do usually have weird hours the day for pilots is usually divided between like working really early and being done by like noon or 1 or 2 in the afternoon or not

starting work until about 11 or noon and then working till about midnight. And so the last few months especially I've been working all the afternoon trips on when I'm working I'm usually not going to work until about 11 or noon and then I'm working until about midnight most days. Okay. Now on this vacation to Ireland, did you risk missing the plane by sleeping late and having some podcast time in the morning or was it? Well, Stacy. Oh, well, we didn't have to worry about this with Ireland. Um, and sometimes on our flights that we take, we, we typically don't have to worry about the oversleeping that much just because we're at the mercy of the flight schedule. So pretty much we have to leave when the flights are open since we're also flying standby.

All right. So you know what? I'm going to take Ireland off the table because it's an unfair discussion because you had to fly to get there. If there's one thing that Greg understands is how to is how to get to a plane on time. And two, that, you know, there's there's also jet lag issues. And three, I got no jokes for Ireland because to my great shame and and and disgust with myself, I've never been to Ireland. So I got nothing to say about Ireland. I've been to England and Scotland many times, but I've never been to ireland so i got nothing to say about ireland i've been to england and scotland many times but i've never been to ireland i feel bad about that and i don't want

to it just makes me feel bad about myself because i love travel don't feel that bad so tell me about tell me about a different vacation where greg was a jerk oh well we we made a list of trips like where we've kind of left late um and most of those end up being our day trips like where we've kind of left late. Um, and most of those end up being our day trips, like if we're driving. So, um, very frequently we will go hiking or camping or backpacking.

And I am almost a hundred percent certain that every time we've done that, we've set up camp in the dark. Um, and, uh, we went to a place called Summersville Lake most recently in West Virginia where we did not leave until after 1 p.m. No, wait, it was much later than that. We left for Summersville Lake at 4 or 5.

Something like that, yeah. We left so late that we saw fireworks on our way to the place where we were camping. And that was only going to be a two day trip or something. So there's this beautiful lake there. And I was thinking, you know, if we were to leave as soon as possible for that trip, we could have had a solid two days of swimming and stand-up paddle boarding in this beautiful lake. And it ended up that we only had one day of swimming. And then the second day we did stand-up paddle boarding and had to come home. But, you know, setting up camp in the dark is a theme of our vacations. What time would you have wanted to leave for West Virginia?

of our vacations. What time would you have wanted to leave for West Virginia? For West Virginia, I had to take a teacher's exam that day. And so I didn't finish until 3.30, but we could have left right at the end of that. And we still didn't leave for another hour and a half or, or maybe even two hours. I didn't write it down specifically, but, you know. You weren't still asleep at it down specifically, but you know, you weren't still, you weren't still asleep at three 30, were you? No, but I was probably not packed yet. I don't think, I think she finished her stuff and then I came over and then I started packing. So that one's on me. And Greg, do you acknowledge or, uh, or dispute that this is an ongoing pattern in your recreational lives together? I'll admit that we usually do get a later start on the day.

It's usually not that late, but we're usually, you know, leaving afternoon, definitely afternoon. Because of you? Yeah. All right. Yeah, I'll admit that. He doesn't see it as a problem. I just don't see it as a problem. Exactly.

I just like the way I do it. So and on these day trips or weekend trips where Stacy would prefer to get an earlier start in your driving, who's doing the driving? Me. So he could sleep in the car. me so he could sleep in the car you know we he could definitely be like okay i'm gonna get my cup coffee in a to-go mug and sit in the passenger seat and let you drive but it's still like i don't feel like getting up yet and then hey you want some coffee i'm gonna make some coffee hand ground coffee too it's like this is an aero press so it's like every time we make a cup of coffee that's five minutes per cup and then because you don't have a proper coffee maker

well this is kind of like aren't you still at home at this point or is this at your campsite where you have the aero press oh we're still at home yeah this is we do the aero press here yeah you're not you're not buzz marketing aeropress on my podcast are you oh is that a brand i thought it was a sorry it's a it's a coffee pump it's an air pump it's a it's a patented coffee pump there we go so give me give me a a positive argument for why this is a good scheme compared to Stacy. Why is, why is dawdling good for your vacation? I turn it over to you. Okay. Well, I like, I like to get my full eight hours of sleep and I'm usually up until I don't like to go to bed early either. So I'd like to go to bed

after midnight, get a solid eight hours of sleep. And I just feel like when it's a day off, I like to relax in the morning. I like, like I said, to drink my coffee, finish packing, take a nice long shower. I mean, I get up for work a lot of times too, and I just, I don't like doing it. So I figured on a day off, I'd rather relax and enjoy my time and be well rested by the time we get to wherever it is we're going. So that you can immediately go to bed. Essentially. I understand that that's an argument. I understand that that's an argument for why you, why it's good for you.

I don't understand why it's good, period. Why it is a preferable way to have vacation that Stacey should understand and conform to. Well, I mean to say, if I say, why do you prefer to sleep late and dawdle around? Your answer, which is a valid one, essentially is, well, because I like to sleep late and dawdle around. You're not making an argument as to why that is better for your vacation, and why Stacey should go along with your scheme other than tough luck for her if she wants to take off, she can leave by herself. Yeah, I mean, I just I don't like to be sleepy on vacation. It just sort of ruins the vacation for me, I guess. And oftentimes when we're going places, you know, we like to kind of stay up late.

Not necessarily camping, but if we're out in a town like we were in New Orleans about a year ago. And, you know, we went out pretty late and saw music and, you know, had a good time until midnight or two in the morning anyways. So I'm just more of a night owl kind of a person and that's how i like my vacations and and uh to me getting up early and like seeing the sights in the morning is just it's it's it's a chore and i don't like it i guess stacy when greg says that he likes to stay up after midnight is that because his job makes him work until after midnight or he likes to stay up watching Netflix and drinking martinis and playing Scrabble? Well, oh, my gosh. It's like you live in this apartment. I swear to you.

It's because Greg is a bon vivant and he loves to come in. And I've never seen him go to sleep without having you know some kind of negroni or cocktail of some sort and he does watch netflix notoriously and that's if we're here when we go places it's like he is the life of the party and loves to seek out where um the action is going on and we will stay out quite late and and I have to agree, like if we stay out till two in the morning on vacation, yeah, sleeping in, you know, is nice at the time, but I always kind of regret it the next day, whereas he doesn't regret sleeping in as much. Why do you regret? Let me ask you a question. If you're up until two o'clock in the

morning, seeing some music in New Orleans, or making Negronis for the bears in the campsite in West Virginia, or whatever it is you're doing. If you guys are staying up until two in the morning, and then you sleep in in the morning, why do you feel bad about it, Stacey? Why do you feel bad about it, Stacey? Well, because essentially we fall into this pattern where we get out on the street and we've missed breakfast and we're essentially walking around places or we're making breakfast for lunch. And if we want to go anywhere that has business hours, we're getting ready to miss it. And then it's just kind of like we just got up just to go out and party again. Yeah, vacation. It's called vacation.

I don't know. It's called a Piedmont Pilots Negroni plus Netflix up all night 1965 style vacation. Sounds great. Yeah, I i know you know what you and i we should go on vacation sometime greg yes you make negronis i'll make martinis are you gonna go camping though no i don't think greg you don't want to go greg greg doesn't want to go camping he wants to go to new orleans right greg? Yeah, I'd love to go to New Orleans. You don't like camping, right? I do like camping. I have a fun time camping,

but I still like to stay up until at least midnight when we're camping. What are you doing then? Look at the dark. Yeah. Binge watching Game of Thrones on your sat phone? No. Actually, the last time we went camping,

we were just car camping, but we went out for dinner and ended up hanging out at the bar kind of late that day. Yeah, we found the only pizza and pints joint in West Virginia and sat there at the bar. Yeah, it was great.

It was a really fun camp trip. Do you agree that that was a really fun camping trip, Stacey, or do you disagree? I had fun. I had fun. It's just we started late pretty much every morning doing any sort of thing. But it was fun. Would you prefer to be doing some more intense hiking, swimming, daytime activities during your vacation? Essentially, it would be more fun to get up and do the active stuff.

But I don't know if you guys have experienced this, but it really sucks to wake up in a tent at 11 or 12 p.m. or 11 a.m. or 12 p.m. when it's like hot and you're sweaty. 12 p.m. or 11 a.m. or 12 p.m. when it's like hot and you're sweaty. And I would I mean, when I go backpacking or before Greg, it was just you get up at eight or nine when it's still kind of cool or even seven because I can't really sleep that well on the ground. But yeah, it sucks to wake up in a tent at any time. Yeah, you wake up early in a tent because it's terrible all the time. Kind of, yeah. And he has an air pad for his sleeping bag, which I have not purchased for myself yet. So I'm kind of sleeping on the ground.

No wonder he can sleep till 10 o'clock. It is really comfortable, yeah. Yeah. How could you sleep until... I mean, I'm with Stacey on this. did you sleep until i mean i i'm with stacy on this if you're in a tent out in the woods which i have not been in since i was maybe 10 years old when i realized this shall never happen again in my life this is the worst though i know people love it when you're in a tent and you're in the wilderness you know you are you are not putting the little thing over the door handle saying, please bring me my ex Benedict at 10 a.m.

I'm going to watch a few episodes of Pawn Stars before I manage to get out of bed. You got to get up. You got to get up in the wilderness because it's painful to otherwise. It's gross to lie around in a tent. Not morally gross. Physically, it's uncomfortable and weird. How can to lie around in a tent. Not morally gross, physically. It's uncomfortable and weird. How can you sleep late in a tent?

Greg? I just sleep until I wake up, and I happen to wake up at 10, I guess. It might also help that he even has his flask with us in the woods, and maybe you just get a little bit drowsy at night.

You know, I'm camping. Yeah. You bring a flask with you into the woods, Greg. Uh, yeah, sometimes Stacy.

Yes. What do you want me to do with this guy? Well, um, cause Greg, Greg over here, he's a jet setter. You know what I mean?

He's keeping all kinds of weird hours. He likes music, social interaction, drinking, talking, New Orleans. Greg, do you like to go hiking? I do like to go hiking. I do like the hiking and the camping. While we mention hiking, Judge, it might also be interesting to know that when we do go on hikes around here, it's kind of this lazy 12 p.m., 1 p.m., hey, do you feel like going on a hike today? Sure, let's go.

And then we go on these, like, five-hour hikes. And we have done a couple of the more strenuous hikes here in Roanoke where we have climbed down the mountain in the dark it is physically nightfall Greg do you agree or disagree that that's too late to be coming down a mountain uh I think it's okay if you have flashlights which we only had maybe once Stacy I don't know what to I don't know what do you want me to do with this guy because he clearly if you have flashlights, which we've only had maybe once. Stacey, I don't know what to, I don't know what to, what do you want me to do with this guy? Because he clearly has completely different recreation priorities than you do.

I have to say that when we have come down the mountain, Greg at the time said that, yeah, this is difficult. And we sing to one another while we hike down the mountain so that we can hear where the other one is and also it helps us move slowly because he agrees that it is difficult to climb down the mountain in the dark. That's true. That's too late. I'll admit that's probably too late. And it's only because we didn't start at say 10 o'clock when a normal hike starts. You hike at 10 in the morning. But to answer your question, um, judge, I would request that if I were to, um, be named victorious in this case,

I would like that if we are going on a day trip or even a weekend trip in the car, when I'm driving that we are packed the night before and ready to get on the road by 8 a.m. which is quite late um in my family's standards for going on vacation yeah when you were when you were growing up did you do it great Santini style oh yeah dad wakes you all up at two o'clock in the morning and and some people traffic we actually just went on vacation my whole family um when school let out because my cousin graduated high school we went to disney world you know my aunt and uncle cousins and grandma and grandpa and sister and we all got up and left by 5 30 and we made it to florida you know that that afternoon and did you hit the did you hit the parks hard that afternoon well we didn't go to disney world that night but you sneak in an extra day of vacation that way

well we were we were kind of it was just better than getting there at pitch black in orlando and when we would still have to go out to the grocery stores so what happened is we had a pool at the house and so the kids got there and we got to go relax out on the pool side. And my grandparents got to do what they love best and go to grocery stores and pick up food. And I like, you know what? I like your grandparents. I love that part of vacation the best. Yeah. We're, we're a grocery store family. Yeah. I would, I would just vacation in a grocery store. Really? But not on a date. Greg, did you take Stacey out to a grocery store on your date? I have not taken her to a grocery store yet. That was a previous guy.

This was another guy. We went to a Wegmans. We've dropped a lot of brand names here so far. Aeropress, Disney World. You're starting to make me wonder what's going on now that you've found it. All right, so let's just leave it at that. Okay. Greg, you...

What kind of vacations did you go on as a kid? We did a lot of camping and driving places too, but we would usually not leave until like 11. My mom would try to get us out of the house by 9 or 10,

but that never worked, and it was always just 11. And who else was in your family? You and your mom's brothers and sisters? Was your dad in the picture? What's going on? Yeah, yeah, it was mom, dad, and my two younger sisters most of the time. Did your dad also like to laze about

and have a cigarette and a cup of coffee? I think he would have been fine leaving earlier, too. I think the kids were just so dysfunctional. I don't know. My mom would always just yell at us and try to get us to pack and get in the car and go, and we'd just run around and goof off and

be horrible children, I guess, until 11, and not much has changed. I get it i get it i get it that wouldn't have flown in my family the beauty of this the the problem with the relationship is the problem with pretty much every heterosexual relationship i've ever encountered uh you have you have chosen to date your mom who yells at you until you don't and stacy you are mad because you uh have failed to date your dad who does actually my dad wasn't in the picture so it's more like I have failed to date my grandpa or something like that I've seen that one before too name your perfect vacation real quick your

perfect vacation long weekend vacation within driving range not like fly to perth and visit some snake enthusiast or whatever like i'm talking about like greg you name your perfect four-day driving destination vacation oh um if we were to drive somewhere from here for four days, probably I would vote to drive to the beach. I would think we haven't really done that yet. Right. It's a bit of a ways, but I think that'd be fun.

All right. I got you. What, what beach? Uh, I don't even know. Somewhere in North Carolina. Like the Outer Banks. Yeah. The Outer Banks.

The Outer Banks. Yep. And real quick, the birthplace of flight, by the way. Wow. Oh way. Wow. Oh, yeah. Interesting. I see right through you. I see so right through you.

You want to go to where man started flying and stopped driving. Is it true that you don't... When Stacy says you don't drive, does that mean you choose not to drive or you do not have a driver's license? I do. We just usually take her car because she has a nice car and my car is really old and bad. I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to go into one of the many Subaru dealerships of New England to commune with my ancestral people and get their wisdom.

And then I'll render my decision in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. One thing, Stacey, I don't think we got to hear. What would your perfect vacation be? Did we hear that? Oh, no, he didn't ask me, but that's OK. I understand the Outer Banks is pretty thrilling with the Kitty Hawk Museum and all that. But your perfect long weekend or four-day vacation or whatever?

I would like to actually go to New England. I have never been to a stop in New England. I've driven to Canada through there before, but I would totally like to go to Boston or somewhere up on the water in New England. I even would really love to go to Maine, surprisingly, since the judge is there. And I'm not trying to brown nose.

It's just New England, I feel like, is a place where I would really fit in or something like that. Monty, I just saw the pandering alarm go off in my chambers. I saw it, so I decided to stick my head out. Was one of the litigants pandering to the preferences of the judge? I believe so believe so they were telling them saying how much they love new england and how much especially they think they'd love to visit maine because that's what

i was saying vacations who was saying that about state it was stacy stacy what do you i'm in maine currently you know i know i know where it sounds really nice because it's so hot here right now. What would you want to do in New England? Eat lobster and go to some lighthouses, experience a rocky beach. Yeah. I don't know. Listen to the people say wicked a lot. I just, I would like to go. Yeah.

You want to endure the pleasurable pains Of the beaches of Maine Walking around on those violent beaches That hurt your feet Now Stacey would you want to camp If you went to New England Or would you want to stay in a hotel I would because I'm sort of frugal

I guess so I would camp But if I had unlimited funds That would be the perfect place for a B&B, I think. So I would like to do a bed and breakfast. And what about you, Greg? If you went to the Outer Banks, would you prefer to camp or would you prefer to stay in a hotel? I think the B&B would be ideal, too. I agree with Stacey on that one. Although I'd be happy to camp as well.

So I think I'm synthesizing both of your perfect vacation, that it has to do with the beach, and you would stay in a B&B. I think really the main problem here is camping. Oh, Monty. I hate camping with a passion, and I actually went to the beach with my family and to a campground and refused to camp in a tent. And we stayed in a yurt, which has a paved concrete floor and a big wooden tent. Even though it's covered in canvas, it has electricity. It has a picnic table inside. You can stand up upright. It's got beds.

That's as close to camping as I can come. And that has been the great equalizer in my relationship with my wife, who is very much like Stacey in some of the ways, a very strict set of ideas about what should be done on vacation. And like Greg, I don't have a whole lot of vacation time, so I kind of want it to be a little bit more flexible. How many days off a year do you get, Greg, as a pilot? Oh, that's a tough one.

I mean, most, I get two sets of vacation, and those are each about two weeks. And other than that, I just have maybe two or three days off in a row in the month where I might have 12 days off in a month. Okay, but basically you get four weeks vacation. Yeah, that's what it is right now, about that, yeah. And Stacey, you get four weeks vacation every three weeks as a teacher. No, I get every weekend off, which is good. But then where I teach, we only get the summer is our longest break, which is really long. Yeah.

But other than that, we got Thanksgiving, which was just three days and then Christmas, which was a whole week. And no other spring vacation whatsoever. Oh, I guess we did have a spring break. I had so much vacation, I couldn't even keep track of it all. Two more quick questions. Greg, you are a pilot. Is it hard for you to ride shotgun when somebody else is driving a car?

I am not a pilot, and I do not like to be in shotgun. I feel out of control. But I would imagine if your job is to control a plane, that riding shotgun while Stacey's driving on vacation would drive you crazy. Does it? No, I got no problem with that. You just go right to sleep. Four Negronis out like a light.

Yeah, right. And Stacey, I was intrigued when you said, Stacey, that to find each other on the mountain that you sing to each other. What do you sing to each other? Well, we actually play Irish music. We're in like an Irish traditional band, and so we kind of like to practice our folk songs and traditional songs when we're walking.

Maybe when the judge reenters the courtroom, we could hear a number. Oh, I didn't even leave because I thought you were solving the whole thing, Monty. Well, I wasn't solving it. I'm just picking their brain. I like it. I want to hear the Celtic music, too. Alright, please rise as the judge, John Hodgman, pretends

to reenter the courtroom even though he's been here the whole time. Yeah, I've been in here since the panderlight went off. Here's the thing. The difference in your guys' approach is pretty plain. One of the things is, you're both young, right? Greg, you're 27, right? Yeah.

And Stacey, how old are you again? I'm 26. You're 26. You guys both are under the delusion that you're immortal and you've got time to waste sleeping and having coffee. You especially, Greg. Yeah. You're not trying to figure out how to make time, and especially leisure time, feel as though it is passing slowly. Because the only way, in my experience, as an older person who is beginning to feel the hot breath of death on my neck,

my only preoccupation is how do I make this day feel as long as possible? How do I make this vacation feel as long and momentous and meaningful as possible. And that involves adding texture to the days, doing a lot of different things over the course of the days. And that means getting up early and going to bed late and sleeping as little as possible because I don't need to rehearse death anymore. I got my sleep. But you're still young, Greg. You still like to laze about. but you're still young Greg you still like to laze about and there's nothing wrong with that the conflict here is that you guys want different things out of vacation because there is a style

of vacation which is let's go and do all the things that I want to do in order to fill up my my world and my life with memories and experiences that I can't get from my dumb, terrible job. And then there's an equally valid style of vacation, which is I work really hard and now I just want to sit around and I want to drink my Negronis and watch my shows. Plus, there is a difference here between how active, like physically active a vacation would be, not just touristy stuff, but like going on hikes and going to destinations versus, and more sort of the isolated journey of self-discovery

that is hiking alone or with a couple where you are just by yourselves versus the more social type of vacation that Greg would choose by going to the Pinton Pizza in West Virginia. Now that we're camping, let's go to a place where they're playing a sports game on TV and talk to some people. You guys want different things. You guys want different things. Greg wants to go to the Outer Banks and just sit around. Doesn't matter to him. Go to the beach. Birthplace of flight.

Look at the giant, the biggest TV set there is, which is the sky at the beach. And stare at that. With the airplanes, yeah. And Stacey wants to go to the great state of Maine. She wants to eat a lobster, look at some lighthouses, walk on a beach. It's like she's looking at pictures on a tourist catalog. That, that, that, that, that. Got to engage with this place that I'm going to.

And naturally, if you're a Stacy type of traveler, which is frankly more my style, you got to get up early in the morning to do that. If you're a great type of traveler, the whole point of vacation is not to think about it, not to worry about getting up in the morning. And to be honest with you, Stacey, as I've grown older and I've experienced an academic calendar in my life basically since I was in college, because I'm a self-slash-marginally-employed writer-actor, and my wife teaches high school, so we have lots of empty time in our life to fill with travels and what have you. And I always am trying to get up early and engage with the place

that we're going to. And what I often find, at least now in my life, is that if I don't take a few days to just do nothing, I get really upset and angry and don't understand why, because I'm exhausted. You still have energy. That's not going to happen in your life. But it is an important part of vacation, which is vacating your brain a little bit. And so it's hard for me to rule in one's favor or another because you both want equally valid things. And you're trying to figure out how these two lives fit together. Now, this is going to haunt your relationship because Greg has effectively,

you know, latched on to the parts of you that remind him of his mother nagging him awake to go on vacation. And he takes deep psychic pleasure from that because it is nostalgic for him. And he will never modify his behavior to respond to that nagging because for him, nagging is part of the point. And you will always resent greg's lying around in bed because that is not how you did it in your family and if someone doesn't do things

the way they didn't do it in your family they are your enemies forever even if you're married to them for many years certain things like you don't do it the way my family did it you are wrong and that never gets turned out to be right so i'm not suggesting that you guys don't do it the way my family did it you are wrong and that never gets turned out to be right so i'm not suggesting that you guys don't have a future together you absolutely do and i also feel if you choose i mean you know and i feel because this describes every every union of two people who are not the same person you know and i also feel that you probably have a positive future ahead of you in terms of going on vacations. But only when you acknowledge that you guys want different things out of vacations. And I rarely, rarely split the baby in these cases.

But I do think that the only fair thing to do here is that you alternate Stacy vacations and Greg vacations. Wow. Where you have a Stacy style vacation and this, and you look, you guys have a lot. I know you guys like, like all young people,

you feel like you don't have a lot of free time. You got a lot of free time. You got a lot of options to cobble together three- to four-day adventures. And I would imagine with Greg's Piedmont pull, you maybe can get some discounted airfare to different places as well. You can fly up to Bangor in an afternoon. Oh, sure. Oh, yeah.

Sure, yeah. So what you should do is you're going to have one Stacy-style vacation where, Greg, you get up when she tells you to and you don't listen to Mommy nagging you. You agree to do what this adult human being who is not your Mommy, whom you respect, asks you to do. And you get up early and you go with her and you do it her way and you and you let her plan the trip and then the next trip you do it

greg's way and lays around but greg you got to plan that trip you know what i'm saying if you want a vacation greg style you're going to pick going to new orleans or going to the outer banks or going to whatever it is you got to lay all that you got to lay all that logistics down and you got and and stacy you gotta you gotta be cool with the with the hangout then you do that alternate enough times i think you'll probably find a happy medium and now you guys got to sing a song because think you'll probably find a happy medium. And now you guys got to sing a song because you brought it up. So I'm sorry.

Yeah. I'll sing a little snippet of something we like to sing. Greg doesn't like to sing that much. I'm not a singer. I don't sing with this group. What do you do in this group? Just me and him. What do you do in this group? What do you do in this group? It's just me and him. What do you do in this group? What do you do in this group?

I play percussion drums. So I play Boron and I also play the Bones and I'm learning how to play the mandolin. That's not a drum, you know. Are you drumming on the mandolin? You've been playing it wrong this whole time. I'm branching out.

We haven't got to the strings yet. The mandolin and the bones? Yeah, the bones and the boron, which is a traditional Irish drum. And the boron is the one that looks like a great big drum that you hit with a big tambourine looking thing?

That's the boron. Yeah, it is. You hold it vertically but yeah, it's a drum like that. Right, and it doesn't have bells you hold it vertically but yeah it's a drum like that yeah right and it doesn't have uh it doesn't have bells on it no but it's a big tall shallow drum that you hold vertically and you go boom boom boom boom like that like in the dance scene in the below decks dancing in titanic they were playing one of those yeah exactly like the dance scene in titanic yeah because here's the thing you guys you have got have got to come. You're going to sing Celine Dion right now. You have got to come to Maine. I really want to.

There's no better place for traditional Irish music other than Ireland. Then you come to Maine, and then you drive up through the maritime provinces of Canada into Nova Scotia. Forget about it. Prince Edward Island. There are all kinds of Irish music.

Get hoedowns or whatever they call them. into Nova Scotia, forget about it. Prince Edward Island? There are all kinds of Irish music. That would be great. John, you're describing one of my dream vacations right there. I would love that. All right. So here's the thing. We alternate between Stacey and Greg vacations. You come to New England. You go up in the Maritime Provinces of Canada.

And that's, I find find in the favor of justice, more than one particular person. And before I do the sound of a gavel, you're going to favor us with a little bit of a song. And I guess you're just going to tap on the desk, Greg. Sure. Stacey's going to sing a little bit, and Greg's going to tap on the desk with his Irish pencils.

Okay. All right. Well, as I roved out on a moonlit night at Slutman Fort to find, I met in the way with a pretty little girl and I asked her to be mine. With me too, re-ah, father riddled-ah, fa-re-ah-ree, father riddled-ah, tonight-o. There. Whoa.

I would love to be lost on a mountain with them that it's nice that is the sound of a gavel judge john hodgman rules that is all well stacy and greg it looks like it has been worked out i've never seen judge john hodgman rule that way uh in solomon-esque splitting the baby, as he mentioned there. But I couldn't agree more. I would say, and I'm the bailiff, so I don't really get, I don't get a say. And every time I try to, Judge John Hodgman gets a little bit mad. But again, if Greg has four weeks, two weeks go Stacey's way, but two weeks go Greg's way. And you can do your Stacey kind of vacation where you go to all your little tourist attractions

all day long while Greg is flying his Monday to Friday plane all the time for most of the year. Yeah. But now, you do not have to abide by my ruling. Are you both comfortable with the way that the judge ruled? I'm very happy with it,

because to tell you the truth, I've been kind of dreading this case because I didn't want either one of us really to be that wrong. I'm very happy with it. I can definitely sleep in and be relaxed on a vacation when I know that when it's my time, he's going to get up and go. So I'm very pleased. And what about you, Greg? I think it was a very good ruling. I thought there might be some sort of compromise, but I didn't imagine it would be like this. But yeah, I think

that's a good a good way to do it. Definitely. All right. Well, we hope you come to the great state of Maine slash Massachusetts because it was once part of it. And, you know, I'm in Massachusetts and the judge is in Maine. And and we'd love to have you and eat lobster and say wicked piss and stuff like that, like we do here. And hear your beautiful Irish music. Yeah, we'll bring our instruments. We'll take you guys to a pub or something. Yeah. That was really beautiful to hear.

And I would love to hear more of your music. So come visit. Well, thank you both for being on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Yeah, thanks. Come visit. Well, thank you both for being on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Yeah, thanks. It was great. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans?

Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're Made In, Made In. The Rohan duck, made in, made in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can

own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. save up to 25 this memorial day from the 18th until the 27th visit made in cookware.com that's m-a-d-e-i-n cookware.com the judge john hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at babble did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen?

Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear the sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually

productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners, at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie,

Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm.

Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Ready to clear this docket, Judge John Hodgman? I am ready, but let me just say, Monty, one of the things that's been on my mind recently is that I've been throwing off, and you may have heard me,

throwing off ideas for t-shirts, catchphrases, and little moments and quotes that stand out. And I do want to make them t-shirts, but I often forget to write them down after the show. So if there is any listener out there who feels compelled, inclined, capable of cataloging over the past few weeks some of the t-shirt ideas that I've had, email me at hodgman at maximumfund.org. I'll make sure that you get a little signed something from my office for your trouble. And even if I get a couple of different people sending in the same thing, I'll make it good with you guys

and I'll make sure that you get any of the T-shirts that we end up actually making from those. It just occurs to me I'll be writing things down and I'm going to do a better job of it in the future. For example, from last week, I would really love to make a t-shirt for the Perth Snake Fair versus the Western Perth Snake Exposition and start documenting the rival snake fairs of Western Australia in t-shirt

form. So that's one of those. But there are other ones too that I can't remember. If you can, write in and I'll acknowledge you and send you a little something from my from my chambers with my signature on it. Are there currently any T-shirts that have been designed by Tom DJ and Ape Lad of Judge Sean Hodgman t-shirts, various John Hodgman tour t-shirts that I've done, including a great t-shirt of me and Jonathan Colton in recreating the Great Seal of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. And as well, a beautiful poster by Joe Padgick of Jesse Thorne and I dispensing justice to an apocalyptic wasteland. It's a lot of fun.

So please go over to topatico.com and check out our store. But I would love to be getting up some more of these T-shirts because they're fun, I think. T-shirts are fun. T-shirts are fun and people wear them as shirts now give me a give me a case jack writes my danish girlfriend cecile and i live together in copenhagen though we started dating and living together in tanzania in 2011 in my peace corps hut boy oh boy talk about a world traveler and And camping. Cecile insists on putting subtitles on movies on TV and turning down the TV volume.

I find the subtitles distracting, and I'm always having to turn up the volume during quiet scenes. She says I have bad hearing. I say she can only understand the show because she's relying on the subtitles. Judge Hodgman, please ask Cecile to relax and enjoy the show. on the subtitles. Judge Hodgman, please ask Cecile to relax and enjoy the show. Unless she is turning

the volume all the way down so that there is no sound and just subtitles, then I see no problem with what she's doing. I often turn subtitles on. As do I. Yeah, frequently the dialogue,

you know, we don't have good enough, particularly with movies, we don't have good enough TVs or sound systems connected to our TVs to really get dialogue and action sequences properly amplified. So the action sequences usually are much, much too loud. And then the dialogue is, if you turn down the action sequences, the dialogue is too soft. You can't hear it.

And so I usually do exactly what your Danish girlfriend does. I could be your Danish girlfriend. There's a t-shirt right there. I could be your Danish girlfriend. Write that down. I also find that having the subtitles on helps me to understand the movie better because maybe I'm old and I can't think as fast as I used to. But I don't think she'd be turning it on unless she really enhanced her appreciation of a thing. And if you want to keep watching things with her, you've got to accept that she enjoys reading those lines of dialogue.

And you should not blast the world out with those action sequences. It sounds strange to me, though, that somebody who is probably very international going to Tanzania with the Peace Corps, that he would be distracted by subtitles. You would assume he watches enough foreign films that it would be not distracting for him. Yeah. And you know what?

Maybe, maybe it's easy. I don't know how fluent your Danish girlfriend is in the languages of movies that you're watching, but maybe it helps her to understand what was going on in the movie. I don't know. It's just, no, I like watching movies with subtitles these days, even when I speak the language, which is English,

because I do find that it helps me follow along. I guess I'm just getting old and confused. Or like if I'm watching Downton Abbey, sometimes I can't understand what they're saying at all, even though it is English, and the subtitles are really helpful. Precisely. And then in the huge action sequences in Downton Abbey, it gets too loud.

When the bells are ringing and things like that. Those rousing gardening scenes. Michaela writes, in the episode, The French Connection, I'm pretty sure I heard you pronounce the word au bafangulo, jokingly referred to as an Esperanto insult. I figure that you know this is an Italian insult. As a man born and living in Italy,

I cannot help but be very amused by you using such an extreme offense nonchalantly, and having it been employed over an English-speaking podcast deprived of its derogatory intent. Nonetheless, I feel the need to let you know, and I apologize if you already know this, that va fangulo is the Italian equivalent to F-U. More precisely, it's the short form for go get F'd in your A. Therefore, please use it with extreme care when surrounded by people who might understand its meaning.

Yeah. You figured out how humor works, Italian man. I know what it means. Yeah, that's why I used it in that context. That was one of the first Italian words I learned from my nana. I suggest. Oh. What a good nana you have.

Dada da culla, which means it's so easy. I turn my A around and it's so easy I turn around I turn my a around and it's done yeah good old nana it was it was the it was the inappropriate the inappropriate and seemingly naive deployment of that word

with which I attempted to create humor and perhaps I succeeded at least in one case in your case I only provoked confusion and perhaps distaste. And I apologize. I'll try to do better next time. But yes, I do know what that term means. And I would just add, don't grammar shame people.

And la fanculo. He didn't grammar shame me. He was just like, do you know how bad that is? I do, of course, know what it means. I do know that it's very offensive. And so I apologize to all of the Italian children who may have been listening to my podcast. Mi dispiace, Italian children. Now go f*** yourselves.

Thanks to Ryan Stouffer for suggesting this week's case name. Suggest a name for a future case like us on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions. If you have a case for the judge, submit it at www.maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho. Or write to me directly at hodgman at maximumfund.org. I've been your guest bailiff, Monty Belmonte from 93.9 The River, WRSI in Northampton, Massachusetts. Julia Smith produces the show. Mark McConville is our editor.

And once again, this episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast was recorded here in the studios of WERU Community Radio in Blue Hill, Maine, 89.9 on your frequency modulation dial or go to www.weru.org. Thanks very much to Joel T. Mann, Programming and Operations Manager here at WERU. Thanks very much, Summertime Bailiff Monty Belmonte. And maybe I'll see you again here, Joel. I'm not sure what our schedule is yet.

Good. He's a radio professional. He is giving me... Thumbs up to the microphone. Giving me thumbs up to the microphone, exactly. Thank you very much. Thanks for joining us for the Judge John Hodgman podcast. That is all. Maximumfun.org.

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.