Judge John Hodgman - The Long-Necked Custody Battle

Episode Date: November 30, 2010

Best friends bought a robotic giraffe together in Japan. Now, with college (and their cohabitation) over, each wants the other to have it.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, the case of the long-necked custody battle. Best friends Katie and Megan went halfsies on a robotic giraffe while vacationing abroad. For years, it entertained friends in their shared college apartment. Now they're graduated. Megan is headed for a Ph.D. at Stanford, and Katie is staying home in Atlanta and pursuing an advanced degree in illustration. Each woman wants the other to have the giraffe as comfort in challenging times. Is Jeffrey the giraffe staying in Atlanta, or is he headed to the left coast and Palo Alto? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the

courtroom. You may be seated. Thank you, Bailiff Jesse. Were either of you actually standing up? One of my cats stood up. Please have, please remove all pets from your rooms before we speak. Katie, please rise. Do you swear to tell the truth truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth and to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling no matter how terrifying it may be I do Megan do you swear to tell the truth

the whole Megan please rise do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth and to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, no matter how horrifying it may be? I swear. Katie, Megan, hello. How are you?

We are good. Doing well, thank you. Okay, you can respond one at a time, please. Katie, where did this giraffe come from? Megan and I together took a trip to Japan in the summer of 2007, and he was purchased in the Akihabara district of Tokyo. Okay, so you bought him at an outdoor mechanical giraffe market of some kind? Yes. All right. And tell me a little bit about this giraffe. He runs on one AA battery, is approximately eight inches tall, and can walk both forwards and backwards.

And I believe you have provided some evidence of the giraffe? Yes, we have provided some images and a video. Okay, I have reviewed the images, and let's see, I have the video here. Let's put this in as Exhibit A. The video has been entered into the record and will be available on the Maximum Fun forums at forum.maximumfun.com. Very well. I'm going to review the video now. Let's see. Now, there doesn't seem to be any sound to this video. No, he actually, he does emit a fairly loud mechanical whine because of his gears. It's not in the video. Could you please imitate the sound? All right. It's kind of a...

Okay. Very good. Let me get a little background here. What are your ages? 23. And 24. And how do you know one another? We were, geez, classmates in college. We met each other on maybe the second day of freshman year, and we've been friends ever since. And would you say that you are best friends? I would say so. And would you say you are best friends forever? I think so. We don't have a necklace to prove it, but we have a robot giraffe. Okay. We shall see. We shall see if this giraffe shall bind you forever. Katie, would you please explain what the dilemma is from your point of view? Megan moved, I suppose, about a year ago out to California from Atlanta,

where we both lived. And I sent Jeffrey along with her. Jeffrey is the giraffe. And, you know, moving to a new place is kind of scary and her family and, you know, all of her lifelong adoring friends are still here. And so I wanted her to have Jeffrey. And recently, there's been some talk about whether or not he should come back home for a little while. But I would actually like him to stay out with Megan, because I feel like he connects her to her past and make sure that she does not get too smart or make too many friends. Okay, Megan, what's your side of the story here? I think that since we've had an amicable split, I left Atlanta very amicably just to get a new job. It's made it

very difficult for us to reach an agreement about what is best for us and Jeffrey. We have been passive aggressively circling each other about this issue for the past year. So I enjoy Jeffrey's company. He's a great companion to me in the way of a pet, and he entertains me and my co-workers in my office. But I know that he also makes Katie very happy, too. She co-created him, and our friends love him at parties, and I think he would be a great artistic muse as she has begun art school recently. Megan, you left Atlanta, is that right? Yes. Why? Too exciting for you? So I actually moved out here to go to graduate school. And here is where? I'm sorry?

Here is Stanford. You may have gone over this before, but I wasn't listening. So please just answer my question. Yes, I moved to Palo Alto, California. That's a very good giraffe. I mean, excuse me, that's a very good school. Sorry, I was thinking about the giraffe. Stanford, what is it?

And what's the program you're studying in? I'm in the computer science program, the PhD program. Very exciting. Yes. If you would like to make a further comment on that, you may now. I am currently studying computational genetics. So biologically and computationally, this giraffe is very interesting. So you are going to be making some robots.

I'm not sure if robots will be the result of my research. Let me ask you this question. Is a machine gun a robot? I don't believe a machine gun is a robot. What reason? It is not autonomous. It's completely controlled by a human, even though it has mechanical actions that are basically completely triggered by a human. I think I'm prepared to make my ruling, Jesse. Seems early.

Well, all right. I'll ask a few more questions. But clearly, Megan has a good head on her shoulders. She's out at Stanford. She's studying computer science, some kind of crazy genetic, computational genetics. Is that right? Do I have that correct?

Yes. And how do you spell Jeffrey? I spell it with a J. J-E-F-F-R-E-Y. I see. Katie, do you agree or. Is that right? Do I have that correct? Yes. And how do you spell Jeffrey? I spell it with a J. J-E-F-F-R-E-Y. I see. Katie, do you agree or disagree with that spelling? I strongly disagree with that spelling. Strongly?

Strongly disagree? Yes. How do you spell it? I spell it G-E-O-F-F-R-E-Y. Okay. The older spelling. Yes. Right.

Okay. And this is also part of the dispute? Yes. I just think it's a more refined name. This may be the only dispute, frankly, because you're not really fighting over who gets to have this giraffe, your friends, but we'll get to that in a moment. Where are you now in the world? I am still in Atlanta.

All right. And I gave up on computer science and moved over to art. So first of all, I'm going to make a preliminary ruling, and this is just going to be, we're not even going to go further on this. The spelling of the giraffe's name is Jeffrey. J-E-F-F-R-E-Y. No. Yes, it is. It is, I'm afraid. Obviously, it's the more hateful spelling. I don't disagree with you there, Katie. But as you probably know, and this may be why you named the giraffe thusly,

Jeffrey, G-E-O-F-F-R-E-Y, is the name of the Toys R Us giraffe. And as I guess Megan realizes, if you spell it that way, then you owe thousands of dollars to Toys R Us. Yeah. Do you have that kind of money? I do not. So there you go. You can't use that name. It is settled. You will have to use Jeffrey, J-E-F-F-R-E-Y. If that is not acceptable to both of you, you may name the giraffe Judge John Hodgman with no further penalties.

Now, before I go into closing arguments, let me just ask a couple more questions. I mean, the easiest thing to do here is to tell you to cut the giraffe in half. Then, you know, it's the wisdom of Solomon. The one that loves it more will then want the other person to take it rather than see the giraffe hurt. But in this case, you both want the other person to have it. Also, I don't want to advise you to break the giraffe in half because it is made of plastic and you might cut yourself. So Megan, if you can sum it up, why should Katie have the giraffe?

I think that Katie should have the giraffe because the giraffe was given to me at a turning point in my life. And even though Katie has not moved to a completely new location, it is, you know, a major moment in her life as well, deciding to change careers. And I think that she does a very good job of caring for Jeffrey. I think that he's part of our community back home. So I feel like Jeffrey being all the way out here without visiting any of our friends in Atlanta, he's being cut off from his community. So I would like to return him to Katie. But Megan, you appreciate that Jeffrey is not sentient, correct? I suppose I am. All right, very well. I just want to make sure that I'm dealing with people who are not delusional. Now, Katie, you do not want the giraffe for

whatever reason. I don't care about that. Whatever reason is, I have a different question for you. You are leaving computer science to become an artist. What were you thinking? Why are you doing this? Did you see the movie, The Social Network? I did not. Okay. You should see it because I was very surprised to learn that children at Harvard are making websites for literally hundreds and hundreds of dollars. And I am old. I did not have that option when I went to Yale. I had to become a literature major. I had no choice. But you have a choice. My generation went to art school, so you wouldn't have to. And now you're just spitting it in our faces. What is going on? Why do you want to do this? I think that computing is just sort of old hat. Everyone can do it now. No, no, no, not old hat, new hat, still new hat compared to illustration, very new hat.

I actually disagree, respectfully. Okay. It's not something that ignites a passion in me as it does Megan. And so I have decided to go a separate way. You speak like a 24-year-old. Megan, let me ask you a question. You know that Katie is becoming an artist, an illustrator. Yes, yes.

Aren't you concerned that if you give Jeffrey back, you're still a reasonable person. Aren't you concerned that if you give Jeffrey back, he's just going to get broken at one of Katie's beatnik parties? Hmm, I'm not certain. Aren't you concerned that one of her beatnik friends is going to turn Jeffrey into a bong? I don't know where a bong could be located on this giraffe. The beatniks are very clever. All right. Well, then, Katie, why should you not receive this gift from your friend? This is your closing statement. While I appreciate her concern for my well-being, I still feel as though I am in a place where I have constant contact and support with my...

Beatniks? Actually, you will be surprised to know that Megan and I still share many of the same friends. So if I'm friends with Beatniks, then so is she. But also her family is here and they are very kind people. kind people. And I think that when she's out there all alone, making her way in the big, scary world of computers, that she should have someone there to remind her that she still has people here that love her. So you don't, you don't feel you need the giraffe and it gives you pleasure to know that she has the giraffe. Yes. The giraffe named Judge John Hodgman. Very well. Or Jeffrey. Depending. Think it over. In any case, I am going to go to

my chambers and I'll come back with a ruling in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman retires to his chambers. I did stand up this time. Megan, how do you feel you stand having been questioned by Judge John Hodgman? I am not certain where I stand. This is a pretty constant, if passive aggressive argument between Katie and I, and I'm honestly completely uncertain of whether I am the proper owner of this giraffe. Katie, how do you feel right now? I feel like maybe I've made the wrong life choices, honestly. Why are you fighting over giving away this giraffe? What's so horrible about it?

The giraffe is actually not horrible at all. This is a common theme in our friendship. We want the other one to be happy, perhaps at the expense of, you know, not having the giraffe ourself. at the expense of, you know, not having the giraffe ourself. Megan is one of those very kind people that just will bring herself almost to the point of misery in order to make other people happy. And I would just like her to be happy out there in the stressful land of California. Which is why we are having so much trouble with our argument. I think that we see each other as the other's advocates. Judge John Hodgman has completed his deliberations and now returns to the chambers.

Please rise. You may be seated. Thank you very much. Did either of you stand up that time? I did. Thank you. I did as well. Thank you very much.

I appreciate that very much. I know that you may not be telling the truth, but I like to believe your lies. I've been thinking long and hard about this because it is a very unusual case. For one, it involves a mechanical giraffe. For two, it involves really a dispute in which there is no dispute. You obviously just want the best for each other, and that makes it very touching in a way. I guess the only solace I can take is that at some point, you will not want the best for each other. At some point, you will not care about each other at all, for you are young now, but you will grow old, and as best of friends, you will naturally drift apart, particularly with a continent between you. Trust

me, I know this. I am an old man. Megan, you will become a successful doctor of terrible robots and Katie, you will become some kind of greeting card artist and heroin addict. This is what's going to happen. However, this giraffe may serve to remind you of each other. And in the same way that children in a marriage become a reminder and conduit for the ancient feelings that man and wife have for each other once. And that's what children are for, aren't they, Jesse? That's my understanding. Yes, that's why there are children. But this will not work if you do not share this giraffe, or for that matter, resist him being foisted on you out of friendship.

If you just keep saying no to this giraffe, then one of you will have it. And then eventually that'll just become the de facto place where it lives. And out of laziness and the erosion of time, the giraffe will stay there forever. And that person will look at it and become depressed over the fact that she doesn't call the other person enough, or it'll go into the dark box where you keep the oldest memories of your acquaintance. Now, you seem like nice kids. I don't want that to happen. So here's the solution. Break the giraffe in half. No, easy, not literally, but a metaphoric breaking in half. What we need here is a shared custody, but not one that is less left. Excuse me. What we need here is a shared custody, but not one that is less left, excuse me, what we need here is a shared custody, but not one that is left to your nice feelings and the vicissitudes of not wanting to insult the other one by asking

for the giraffe. We need a system in place that is inviolable, where you each keep the giraffe for a certain period of time, I'm going to suggest a year, and then you exchange. And this will be very good for you, because only will you both get the benefits of this, frankly, not-so-amazing giraffe, but something that has a lot of sentimental value to you both together and separately, but it will give you something to talk about when the exchange time comes.

And right now, you've got lots to talk about. You still, I mean, you know, Katie, you still have some, you know, a working understanding of how computer science works. And you guys can talk about that now. But in the future, you won't have that to talk about because there will be robots and you'll be drawn cards. So when you have nothing else to talk about year, you will talk to each other and the giraffe shall serve as an entree to a conversation, a larger conversation about your lives. Or you might even meet in person like a divorced couple. And this will offer you the

chance to meet up in depressing parking lots and other neutral places. But the point is that you have no choice. You must do this because I so sentence it. And one more point before I bang the gavel. Katie? Yes, sir. Yes, your honor. Yes, your honor. If I ever find out that you have sold this giraffe for food or hashish, so help me. I will come down there to Atlanta. And even though I have no legal authority,

I will make sure you are deported. Do you understand? Yes, Your Honor. Very well. Judge John Hodgman rules. This is the sound of a gavel. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. You don't really have to rise this time.

It's fine. You may be seated. Katie, it's clear that you've made some horrible mistakes in your life. Was this difficult ruling something that will help or hurt you in the future? Honestly, I think it will help me because that is once a year where I will have to be sober enough to communicate with the outside world. So maybe this will save my life. Megan, you, along with Katie, cried out at the prospect of split custody, so to speak. How do you feel about this judgment? I feel that the metaphorical split is much more conducive to my happiness. I think this is going to be a great way for us to

share this reminder of our past without continually feeling this passive-aggressive spiral of guilt involving foisting this giraffe upon each other. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is produced by me, Jesse Thorne, and Julia Smith from MaximumFun.org. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. MaximumFun.org is supported by your donations. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. Maximumfund.org is supported by your donations. You can donate online at maximumfund.org slash donate. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

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