Judge John Hodgman - The Maine of Breakfast Cereals

Episode Date: February 10, 2021

We are continuing to clear the docket! Disputes about how to pronounce "vegan" and "drawer," when to clear the snow from the sidewalk, scheduling a Roomba, Cheez-Its vs Cheese Nips, and much more! Plus a new Dracula-related segment!As mentioned on the show, here's that video by Carlos Medina, "Are you a Drakula or no??":  

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket. With me, as always, is the man they call Johnny Coldhands, Judge John Hodgman. It's not Johnny Coldhands. I was rubbing hand sanitizer onto my hand. It looked like you had cold hands and you were rubbing them together Johnny Coldhands style. I mean, why do you think they call you that?

No one calls, they call me Johnny No Germs. Okay. You know what? Maybe it's a regionalism. Maybe on the West Coast, they call you Johnny Coldhands. And on the East Coast, they call you Johnny No Germs. No, I'm trying to keep it clean because I'm joining you and the Judge Sean Hodgman listeners live from the Solar Powered Studios here at WERU 89.9, frequency modulation in Orland, Maine, on the internet at WERU.org.

Jesse, this is a community free-form radio station. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, sure. I'm familiar with that. I got started on the heavyweight 88, KZSE in Santa Cruz, California. You know what I'm talking about. You know what a community radio station is like, right?

W-E-R-U. We are you. Yeah, it means there's dogs with bandanas there. That's right. When I walked into W-E-R-U, do you know what they were playing over the radio? What? Maggie's Farm by Bob Dylan. Oh, there's a stunner. Yeah.

I think it's their program On the Nose Hour. And now I'm enjoying a mug of water from the Common Area, the Common Kitchen, that says, Musical Journeys Through Space and Time, Bossa Nova Beatniks. I don't know what that is. Maybe it's a show on the radio station. But it's very much. Maybe it's a rival show. Maybe that's like the Gary's Old Town Tavern.

And, of course, through the glass across the table for me is our operations manager and program director here at WERU, Joel Mann, the Mole Man. Joel, very quick market report for you today, okay? Go for it. All right. If you need a pound of jalapenos that are bright red and ready to be made into homemade hot sauce, do not go to the Hannaford's. Go to the Shaw's. Could not believe it. It was a miracle.

I thought we were going to have to let those jalapenos ripen, but Jesse, we didn't. We found them. Bright red already. And also they have the little cans of Diet Coke at the Walgreens on South Street and Blue Hill. Check it out. Those are the best kind. Love those tiny Cokes. One more thing, Joel. I received a video from you this morning. Yes. From your own kitchen as you made a smoothie. Just for you. Did you bring the smoothie? I drank it. Yeah. So not just for me, obviously. And in this smoothie, you put in blueberries. And this is all available on my Instagram account, instagram.com slash

John Hodgman and the Judge John Hodgman Instagram account. Blueberries, bananas, nonfat Greek yogurt. Correct. And a special mystery ingredient. Yes, the mystery ingredient. What was the mystery ingredient? Are you ready for this? It better be a wedge salad because that's what I asked you to post.

The magic ingredient. Coffee brandy. Is watermelon lime organic tea. Watermelon lime organic tea. That's it. Joel, I'm muting you for the rest of the program. I'm sorry. I asked for an iceberg wedge smoothie.

But everyone check out Joel in his kitchen wearing his little pork pie hat. It's adorable. Jesse, how are you doing today? All right? I'm doing all right. Speaking of the market report, I was able to locate Grape Nuts. There is a nationwide and, in fact, international Grape Nuts shortage. What? It's the crisis of our times.

But luckily, food for less had some. So I bought four. What do you, I love grape nuts. What do you, how do you enjoy them? Just as a cereal? Of course you love grape nuts. Grape nuts are the main of breakfast cereals. They chew your mouth up and they make you hurt? Yeah, they're a punishment disguised as an indulgence so jesse how do you enjoy your grape nuts you uh you just pour some milk on them and you you eat them while watching davy and goliath on a sunday morning because they don't have regular cartoons or what i went through a period where i was eating hot grape nuts, but that's basically like eating hot malted white glue. So yeah, now I try and give them a little time to mellow,

but not so much that they turn into a paste. You really have to get right in the sweet spot with grape nuts. I find that to be, maybe I'll leave them for two or three minutes to soften up a little, but retain some crunch. I like grape nut ice cream and ice cream I normally don't go for because it's sweet, but the grape nut it mellows the sweet and add some pain. Yeah. I think all kinds of malted ice creams are delicious. I agree. Savory. Jennifer Marmer, how are you doing?

Do we have anything on the docket today or is this just it? No, this is it. It was just grape nut talk. Have a good show. Just grape nut talk now? Mm-hmm. It's a dream come true. Joel, you like grape nuts?

No. All right. That's the Judge John Hodgin program for this week. No, we've got some justice. Here's something from Jennifer. She writes, Hi, I say vegan. My vegan sister Lynn pronounces it vegan.

It makes me pig-biting mad. Please advise. Ooh. Short and sweet to start the docket. Vegan or vegan? Once in high school, my dad asked me if Teresa, my now wife, was one of those vegans. That was a third way that I didn't consider. Yeah, he said it gently.

He didn't say it rudely. He was interested. One thing I just want to say right at the top here. I'm not, this program is not in the business of hacky jokes at the expense of vegans. It's a fantastic lifestyle. They're doing all of the rest of us a favor by eating in a more environmentally responsible manner. Exactly so. And I'm sure I grossed quite a few of them out talking about chicken tenders so much. Those are no longer part of my diet.

But also, I call them vegans vegans now i've heard vegan in the past have you ever heard vegan jesse no that sounds like a bad guy from star trek it's at it's yeah i i thought that it was i thought that there was a star trek alien called vegan but not as far as i know the vegan I heard vegan a little bit more interchangeably with vegan back when I first started hearing the term vegan and learning what it was. But since then, that pronunciation has passed by the wayside. are descriptivists and not prescriptivists. Vegan is now the much more common, if not universally accepted term, for a person who eats zero products of the animal world and probably doesn't wear products of the animal world either.

So, Jennifer, you are right to be pig-biting mad. And perhaps it is within your lifestyle to eat a pig. But line? Is it line? Is her name pronounced line? I don't know. I guess we can just make stuff up. It's vegan line.

Vegans are the alien race in the movie and book by Carl Sagan, Contact. The movie starring, of course. Jodie Foster? Thank you. Oh, my goodness. You know what happened was I got too many chicken tenders. I got chicken tender brain. Jodie Foster, a graduate of Yale University, one of my heroes.

I'm sorry, Jodie, and I'm sorry, vegans. You're not necessarily vegans, you're aliens. Let's move on. Zach asks, my girlfriend was raised by her mother to pronounce the word drawer like draw. However, I tell her this is incorrect and it should be pronounced with the R at the end, as it is spelled. Drawer. Can Judge John Hodgman settle this for us once and for all? How do you pronounce the word D-R-A-W-E-R? Well, I pronounce it drawer. But guess what, Zach? My own father pronounces it draw. I can't even say how he does it. Draw. Draw.

Draw. I don't know. How do you say it, Joel? Draw. Extra syllables. Yeah. Because I thought it might be a New England thing because my dad is from Fitchburg, Massachusetts. And he has the remnants of a central Massachusetts accent and he will say

scallops for example but and he will say draw draw open the draw I can't even say it how he says it so Zach you're asking me to to throw my own father under the car in Harvard Yard, as it were, and put him in the drawer forever? I don't think so. Have you ever heard it pronounced draw, Jesse? I have heard it pronounced draw, but if it is a regionalism, it is not a regionalism of the West Coast of the United States. It is not something that I have heard more than five times in my life. How many times have you met my dad? Five. I think I met him the one time, maybe. Yeah, but he loves to talk about draws, so you may have heard it all five times.

I mean here's the thing John Zach who wrote in is pitching his pronunciation as a correct pronunciation according to the spelling but I don't know anyone who says drawer I know people who

run the two syllables together as you did and as I would to drawer so why is drawer the two syllables together as you did and as I would to drawer. Yeah. So why is drawer running the two syllables together more accurate to the spelling than is draw dropping one of the syllables? I think, you know, okay, so I came down pretty hard on the vagans. I think, you know, okay, so I came down pretty hard on the vegans.

But in this case, I think I have, since I know personally that my, unless my dad has been playing a character my whole life, which now I think of it, that may be it. He may have invented, he may have invented a dialect. He was going to be like, I'm going to pronounce everything the normal way except I'm going to say drawer, draw. I'm going to see if my son can figure it out before he turns 50. Well, guess what, Dad? I barely passed the test. Good

prank. Or else it's a legitimate regional pronunciation and I'm going to allow it in this case. Because after all, Zach's girlfriend's mother taught her this way. It seems generational. Unless, oh, here's another possibility, Jesse. No one can consider this.

Zach, what if your girlfriend's mother is my father? Double life. Double life. And I have a secret sibling? What a day. holy moly another thing to write in my journal and put it in my drawer my dad used to say uh go wash your hands go oh yeah Go wash your hands. Washington, D.C. That's one that I've never heard in person. No, I've heard my mother is from Washington, D.C.,

and I've heard my father refer to it as Washington, D.C. Jennifer Marmer, any funny dad mispronunciations or parental mispronunciations, or not mispronunciations, alternate pronunciations? Well, my father-in-law also says warsh. He's also, like Jesse's father, Midwestern. My dad growing up, my dad's from New York. I'm from California.

He says orange and I say orange. And that is always a thing. Jennifer, you're from California. He is from New York. You say orange. He says, I'm walking over here. Exactly. Thank you.

Yeah, that's true. Joel, do you have any parental alternate pronunciations? Your dad or mom? Yeah, my dad used to say we're going to go to the cinema. Cool. Where did he grow up? Washington Okay, well there you go, add a lot of R's

R-Town USA, make it a state Oh Jesse, this is very exciting We can make Washington D.C. a state And instead of calling it, and to differentiate it We have Washington State And then we have Washington State Solving problems in the new year We're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's partner. We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman

podcast. It's Judge John Hodgman. I'm Bill of Jesse Thorne. Of course, every episode of Judge John Hodgman is supported by the members of Maximum Fun. Everybody's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. I've heard that their prizes are starting to show up in mailboxes. They're going out from this year's Max Fun Drive. Thank you to everybody out there. If they haven't shown up for you, they'll show up for you soon enough. We're grateful to everybody who is a member of Maximum Fun.

And when I say those prizes are showing up, John, I'm including your second episode of Shooting the Breeze, the cheese podcast with Jordan Morris. The big number two. I mean, that's the biggest prize of all. We're also this week supported by our friends at Upstart. Yeah. If you don't know, Upstart is the fast and easy way to get a personal loan to pay off your debt, whatever kind of debt you have, all online. And we spoke about it a couple of episodes ago. And I got this email from a listener named Bethany. And I've never gotten a letter like this before, saying something about one of our partners. She said, a quick note for you and

Jesse concerning Upstart. I needed to consolidate credit card debt about three years ago. I was being denied everywhere due to income to debt ratio. And I finally found Upstart, was approved, and was able to take a job teaching abroad with a lot less to worry about. I'm actually about to pay off the five-year loan early, which I never could have imagined before Upstart. I wanted you to know my personal experience was a great one, and you can feel comfortable having them as a partner. And that's very meaningful to me, not merely because obviously we want to partner with companies and groups and organizations that we believe in, but also particularly around the issue of loans and financial services. It's great to have confidence that you're working with an organization

that actually takes your needs as a person seriously. And that's what Upstart does. Whether it's paying off credit cards or consolidating high interest debt, including student loans, Upstart finds smarter rates because they assess more than just your credit score. They're looking at a lot more. And with a five-minute online rate check, you can see your rate upfront from loans from $1,000 to $50,000. You can receive funds in as fast as one business day. And unless Bethany is a liar, and I don't think she is, Upstart is truly a company that is going to take your whole life, your whole history, your whole portfolio of needs and not just look at your credit score and say yes or no. And particularly during these times, this can be very valuable. So find out how Upstart can

lower your monthly payments today when you go to upstart.com slash JJHO. That's upstart.com slash JJHO. Don't forget to use our URL to let them know we sent you. Loan amounts determined based on your credit income income, and certain other information provided in your loan application. Upstart.com slash JJHO. Thanks, Bethany. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic.

Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear

this sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, and you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription,

but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs.

They're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck. Made-in, made-in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made-in, made-in. Made-in has been supplying top chefs

and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price.

Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket this week. Here is something from Kevin. My wife and I disagree about when the sidewalks of our house should be cleared after it snows. We live on a corner, so the amount of shoveling is a lot. And we're both working full time and taking care of our nine-month-old daughter. of our nine-month-old daughter.

My wife thinks the sidewalks should be cleared before 10 as a courtesy to our neighbors, many of whom are elderly and often take their government-mandated walks earlier in the day. The government requires that we all take a little walk every day since the pandemic. I hadn't heard that. I believe that while it would be nice,

it simply isn't possible for us to shovel the sidewalks so early. Trying to do so will be a difficult task. We should do them later in the day when one of us has enough time to finish it without being rushed. Judge, I wish for you to rule in my favor so that my wife can no longer strong arm me into shoveling at an unreasonable hour. I was listening to that dispute. I was in a little bit of a reverie thinking about the cinema because it's been a long time since I've been to the cinema. What was the last movie you saw in the cinema, Jesse?

I honestly don't remember. Yeah. I think it was probably the last thing I saw in the cinema. Oh, I remember. It was the Onward, the Pixar movie Onward. But the one that I was thinking about today because I'm in Maine is when I went to the Colonial Theater in Belfast, Maine. Beautiful old independent movie theater. And I went to see Aunt Man and the Wasp.

But that was a couple of summers ago. Stupid. Hey, support your local community movie theaters and your local community radio stations. Whether it be the Colonial Theater in Belfast, WERU. Whether it be MaximumFun.org. Not a radio station, but something like it. The Glued Corner Cinema in Brookline. All right. Now, we just had a bunch The Gloucester Corner Cinema in Brookline. All right.

Now, we just had a bunch of snow, so this has been on my mind. Kevin wants to shovel the sidewalks later in the day. Kevin's wife would like it to be done by 10 a.m. Is that correct? Yes, that's correct. And this is because the elderly folks in their neighborhood are being pushed around by the nanny state government, being forced to take their government mandated walks. Yeah, being forced by Dr. Fauci. That's right. Dr. Fauci really cracks the whip, especially on the olds.

Yeah. Well, this is hard. This is hard for me because we just had a big snowfall here in Maine yesterday. And I was like, I'm going to take a snow day. I mean, I do my work all every day for me is a snow day. All I do is hook up to whatever residual internet is left over after Massachusetts has it run at it. And then I try to connect and try to do some things. that run at it. And then I try to connect and try to do some things. I'm always inside doing whatever. But Jesse, I was like, we had a bunch of snow

and I'm like, I'm just going to stay in my pajamas today. I'm not even going to put on pants. But then about noon, I realized I can't do that because I'm not living in our condominium in Brooklyn where we get to live like babies, where elves

make sure the hot water heater has enough heat, and Barron, our superintendent, shovels the snow off the sidewalk every morning. I live in a glorified dorm room in my life in Brooklyn, New York. But here, I'm a homeowner. I can't, I got to go out there and shovel that snow or else I'm going to fall down on it and knock my head open, which is not optimal. So I had to get out of my pajamas and put on pants and do my work. And I knew that I had to do it before it got too late because the snow, I had learned the hard way. But if you leave it,

the snow is just going to pack and freeze and become ice. Jesse, you don't have to shovel snow, right? In Los Angeles, has that ever had to happen? No. I mean, unless snow is those little balls of water that come out of the sky twice a year. No. I mean, occasionally you have to clear your porch from a rainfall of the best tacos available in the United States. Yeah, pretty much. But that's just a, you just use a broom for that. You have to have a special taco broom that gets a little gummy. And that's also what you call your mustache, right?

Yes. Joel, when's the best time to shovel snow? You know snow. You live here in Maine. When the plow truck comes. What do you mean? When the truck comes to plow my driveway. Yeah.

Then I go out and clean up and shovel. Right. Yeah. And you know that the plow truck is not going to come and shovel your driveway until it's time. Right. When the storm's over. Listen to an expert until it's time. Right. When the storm's over. Listen to an expert. That's right.

So the best time to shovel, if you live in a home where you are responsible for clearing the sidewalk or the walkway to your driveway or whatever it is, is as soon as the snow has stopped. That's the best time to do it because it is its lightest, most malleable, say. And also, if other people are using that walkway, the most convenient to your neighbors. Because I'll tell you what, I never in Brooklyn, New York, have to shovel a sidewalk. But people who own buildings do. They have to do that. If you own a house or you share a house, it's your responsibility with your cohabitants to clear that sidewalk. The city isn't going to come and do that.

And when I'm walking down the sidewalk in New York and I come to the house where they haven't bothered to shovel it until yet, I think of those people, Kevin, as monsters. I know it's hard to get out there and shovel. It's a pain. I get it. But your wife is absolutely correct, especially if you have older people who are being forced to walk by the government. You need to provide a safe passage for them. They're your neighbors. 10 a.m., I think, is reasonable.

Or when the snow stops. If the snow doesn't stop until 4 p.m., guess what? You get some extra time in your pajamas, Kevin. And also, by the way, obviously you refer to this in your complaint. It would seem that your wife does do it from time to time. If she wants to do it early, she can get out there and do it. You just look after that baby. But it's just part of being a grown-up, sadly, I she wants to do it early, she can get out there and do it. You just look after that baby. But it's just part of being a grown-up, sadly, I'm sorry to say. Chris writes, my husband and I recently bought a Roomba robot vacuum. It's scheduled to vacuum three times a week. Because we're both working from home right now and our kid is learning from home, we're all around when it fires up. My husband rearranges the furniture,

putting the kitchen chairs upside down on the table, for instance, in order to make the Roomba's job easier. My son and I then can't eat lunch at the table because the chairs are up. To help the Roomba. The Roomba takes two hours to clean, so this is a long wait for lunch. I ask Judge Hodgman to rule that the Roomba works for us. We do not work for it. I further request that he issue an injunction telling my husband to leave the chairs on the dang floor. Whoa. Okay.

Tempers are flared in the house of Chris and Chris's husband. I get it. We're all stuck together. We're all stuck together inside. We're getting on each other's nerves. You want to eat lunch because what else is there to do? When, Jesse Thorne, what time do you wake up in the morning? About six.

Okay. What time do you wake up in the morning? About six. Okay. And after you wake up, what time do you start thinking about what to have for dinner? Probably 7.30. You're very disciplined. Well, I obsess about it all day long.

I know, because there's nothing else to do. And then to have, forget about it. What if you ate lunch and you couldn't eat lunch because a Roomba was moving around and your husband had put those chairs on the table? I mean, that would be disastrous for me, John. I have a lunch-related physical disability, as you know from touring with me. Oh, yeah. I get chronic migraine headaches uh and my biggest trigger is missing meals um and even missing eating meals in a timely fashion yeah uh so lunch and lunch is the

most sensitive one dinner i can fake my way through i can eat some food at four and then eat at 8 30 or whatever yeah um but uh lunch i really have to eat between like 11.30 and 12.30 or I just fall apart. Yeah, Jesse, I got to – this is just – one thing I really, really, really miss is traveling with you and Jennifer to do live shows. And I know exactly what you're talking about. And I'm sorry, vegans. And frankly, I'm sorry, vegans too because I'm sure they don't want to hear another chicken tender story from me. But I just remember that day.

We were driving from New York, I believe, to Portland, Maine, to do a show with our friend Joel Mann, the mole man. And you said, I'm sorry, I have to stop and get something to eat. And I'm like, Jesse, there's nowhere to stop. I mean, there's just a service plaza with a McDonald's or a Burger King. And I was like, ethically, personally, aesthetically, this is not us, Jesse. We cannot do this. And Jesse said, oh, I can. And we went and we got some chicken nuggets.

And you don't need to write me letters. I know. And I can see behind Jennifer Marmer, George the dog is like rolling around in agony listening to this as though the devil just walked into the room. It's like when the dogs in devil possession movies realize someone has the devil in them. They're like, Jesse, you bought me some chicken nuggets. I haven't had them since I was seven. I haven't had them since then. This is some of the best food I ever had in my life.

It's not that they are intrinsically good. I know they're pink slime. But those are some of the best food I ever had in my life sitting in the back seat of our rental car. Matt Barnhart driving us north and just eating that Proustian chicken nugget. I'll be honest, I ate more than one. And I thank your migraine for making that possible in my life. I wish you didn't have to experience that, but I'm grateful to it in this one case. Now, listen, Chris, I get it. I'm with you. Don't Roomba during lunch.

These things are programmable, right? They are robots. Are they not, Jesse? I believe they are, yes. Yeah. Just set your Roomba for night mode. Put the chairs up at the end of the evening and have the Roomba roll around in the middle of the night. You know what?

Put some garlic on it. It'll keep the Draculas away. Good thinking. Simple solutions for complex times. That's what we need. Let's stop mealy-mouthing and half-measuring it. Just do what needs to get done to get us through this. Deficits don't matter right now i don't have john a rumba or any other automated vacuum myself uh because i have a lot of

rugs with tassels and i as i understand forget those are not compatible with rumbas right um but if i did i'd like to think that i would set it to night mode yeah and uh tape a stake on there and let it roll around and take care of any draculas that got into my house not just keep them away but you know it automatically covers all the territory in your house so if you had a steak a very pointy steak on there steak okay yeah yeah i think a food like a flap steak you put garlic on on your flap steak. That keeps the Draculas away. You're talking about turning your Roomba into a Van Helsing style Dracula herding machine. Yeah.

You put garlic on your flap steak. You make a nice carne asada as long as you remember to cut it against the grain. Against the grain. You put a wooden steak on your Roomba. Right. It'll poke the heck out of any Draculas that get into your house at night. Yeah, you don't cut a Dracula against the grain. You just poke it right in the middle.

Yeah. It might take care of a wolfman, but it's hard to say. Hard to say. Here's something from Marguerite. She says, I recently took a piece of your advice and am extremely disappointed. What? I bought Cheez-Its after listening to a recent episode where you asserted they were significantly better than Cheez-Nips, which are my usual cheesy snack of choice. Both my husband and I have tried

Cheez-Its, and we agree they are vastly inferior to cheese nips. I would like you to publicly apologize for providing flawed advice on your otherwise excellent show. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Jennifer Marmer, remind me. Is this a show where I settle disputes between listeners and me? No, no, it's not. No, it's not. And yet, I'm glad you wrote in Marguerite because it gave me a chance to revisit this important question. Cheez-Its versus Cheese Nips.

And also, by the way, to do a little subtle plug for the upcoming episode of Shootin' the Breeze, second episode in two years. My and Jordan Morris's very occasional podcast about cheese in which we talk about cheesy snacks watch your maximum fun.org newsletter find out when that's going to hit your feed but in the meantime uh cheese it's versus cheese-nips. Joel, you got a thought on that? Cheese-toes.

Cheese-toes? Mm-hmm. Gross. Is that a main pronunciation for Cheetos? Yes. Crunchy or puffy? Puffy. You just, you win this time.

That was an extremely close game. Jesse Thorne, cheese-its or cheese-nips? Laughable question. Oh. Of course, Cheez-Its. Yeah. Have you ever had a Cheese Nip? It's basically, instead of writing Cheese Nip on it, they should write Pathetic Imitation of Cheez-It.

Whoa. Sorry, A, Cheez-It. Jennifer Marmer, Cheez-It or Cheese Nip? I'm with Joel. Puffy Cheetos. cheese it. Whoa. Sorry. A cheese it. Uh, Jennifer Marmer, cheese it or cheese nip. I'm with Joel. Puffy Cheetos. All right.

That's not one of the choices, Jennifer and Joel. It's not even a type of cracker. I haven't had cheese nips in a long time. Marguerite. Because they stink. They're stink city. I thought to myself,

I'll stop at the gas station on the way to the radio station. And instead of getting some chicken tenders, I'll get some cheese nips and revisit this. And then I decided, no, I'm not going to do it. One, because I was late. Two, NG. It stands for no good. Yeah. I mean, you enjoy it.

You like what you like and enjoy it. But I'm sorry. Cheez-Its are a superlative snack. And when Jesse says they're a pale imitation, that's exactly right. Not only are they paler in color,

literally, especially if you're getting some of those flavor jacked Cheez-Its, like Chipotle cheddar, pepper jack, white cheddar, that's going to be a pale Cheez-It. I'll give you that one.

But otherwise, you get an atomic cheddar, buffalo wing. But also, they are literal imitations in the sense that Cheez-Its are enjoying their 100th anniversary this year. 1921. The Green and Green Company invented Cheez-Its, later purchased by a little corporation I call Kellogg's, which happens to be my middle name. Does that make me biased? Yes. Do I share any part of the Cheez-It fortune? No. They just taste better to me. Cheez-Nips didn't come around until 1955. Invented by Nabisco, now owned by Kraft. If you like them, that's fine. But don't come to my podcast.

Take a meat-a-task for advice that I give. By the way, if you want one final reason why, aside from subjectivity, Cheez-Its are the superior cracker. All you need to know is that when they were invented by the Green and Green Company of Dayton, Ohio, they were marketed using the tagline, quote, a baked rare bit. Tired of homemade rare bit? Cheesy cheese on toast?

Why not have one that you can take with you in 1921 as you enjoy using one of the first automobiles? A baked rare bit for your pleasure, if you don't mind. That was their tagline. Cheezus is not... Punchy. Two other things about cheese. One thing about cheese, one thing about crackers.

One, I was going to both sentence you to this punishment and reward, Marguerite, that you eat a package of Wise Brand cheese waffies, which are very intense cheese sandwiched. Don't write me. Sandwiched between two waffle-shaped biscuits. But they're not called cheese waffles. They're called cheese waffies. But I just learned today they don't make them anymore. They haven't made them for several years. They stopped making cheese waffies. R.A.P. Cheese Waffies.

They were a favorite of my father-in-law's. They were a favorite of mine. It was something we always had in common. You know why they're not making them anymore, Jesse? I don't know. Well, on April 17th, 2019, almost two years ago, Wise Foods announced that cheese waffies will be available again very soon. This is a post on the Facebook social media platform. But they never were made available again. Not very soon, not ever. And in the comment thread that follows the 726 comments so far, William Bradley Hester gave the bad news two weeks ago. They aren't coming back. I called

Wise sometime back and they told me the machine they used to make them was not repairable and too costly. You know what they said at the company when they heard about that 716 post Facebook thread? No. RIP my munchies, RIP my menchies. I was going to tell you about... RIP my munchies. I was going to tell you about cowboy.I.P. my benches I was going to tell you about cowboy crap I know I heard it I was going to tell you about cowboy

crackers a special doctored up saltine cracker a recipe for which was provided by our friend and listener Constance that involves ranch dressing mix but I'm not going to by our friend and listener Constance that involves ranch dressing mix. But I'm not going to.

I'm going to save that for another time because it's too sad. It's too sad, cheese waffies. I'm too sad about cheese waffies, and I'm too, frankly, disgusted at that joke. No, I love it. It was great. RIP my munchies. RIP my menchies. RIP cheese waffies. Cheese it for life.

Let's take a quick break. When we come back, a letter about king making, board game strategy, controversial board game strategy. And of course, our new segment, are you a Dracula or No? year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah! We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. This week, we're clearing the docket. So Jesse, you know, we recently retired our two new segments, Cool Babies,

which was babies who asked cool philosophical questions like they were sophomores in college. And then Creepy Cool Babies, which were babies that said creepy things that creeped us out. And we retired these segments because we got to keep it fresh as we're rollicking along on these dockets. And also, by the way, all I was getting was mail from people saying what their children had said lately. I'm not getting any disputes anymore. Get into a dispute with your baby. Get into an argument with your baby. Then write me.

Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. I love hearing all your babies, but even the creepy babies were just sort of moving into the cute area. Dear Judge Hodgman, I have a dispute with my baby. I believe people should do their business into a toilet. My baby believes fervently otherwise. Please order my baby to do their business into a toilet. So ordered. I love hearing about your kids.

I love hearing about your dogs. I love hearing about your cats and all your pets. I love hearing about your kids. I love hearing about your dogs. I love hearing about your cats and all your pets. I love hearing about your families. Always write to me at Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. But I can't let the show just be taken over by kids say the darndest things. Unless, unless, unless, unless the statements are so creepy that I can't help it. And in this case, Jesse, in the past week, I received a number of letters that concerned me. They were not only babies who were creepy, and by babies, I mean toddlers,

young children who say the darndest things, obviously, sometimes in a creepy way. But not only were they saying things that were creepy, they actually made me worry. Are they a Dracula or no? Are they a Dracula or no? I have three letters here that I'm going to read to you, Jesse. And since you are the world's foremost expert on Dracula and Dracula problems, I'm going to let you be the judge. Dracula or no? Matthew writes, a few months ago, our two-year-old sang this song unprompted as I was putting her to bed. It is to the tune of Frere Jacques, famous nursery rhyme. I see blood. I see blood. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Lots and lots of blood. Lots and lots of blood.

Lots and lots of blood. Lots and lots of blood. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Matthew says, I was less than thrilled to have any job. Yeah, that's a Dracula. She's a Dracula? Just because she sees blood? If she sees it in her mind's eye. I mean, she's not a surgeon. Good point. She's dreaming about blood. She loves blood.

She's singing about blood. Yeah. Why would you love blood? It's not because you don't like the look of it. It's because you want to drink it. Why do you want to drink it? You're a little frickin' Dracula. All right, Matthew.

And other parents out there, if your child is singing about blood to the tune of Frere Jacque, they might be a Dracula. Emily says, okay, this is a big one here. Emily says that her friend Courtney has given permission to share some comments made by her daughter Eliza. So Eliza is not Emily's daughter. Eliza is the daughter of her friend Courtney. Eliza is in kindergarten. And there are three pieces of evidence for you to weigh when you determine is Eliza Dracula or no? One, Courtney, the mother, skinned her knuckle.

And Eliza started scratching at Courtney's knuckle where it was skinned. And Courtney said, why are you doing that? And Eliza said, it feels like a scab and I need it for my collection. Okay, take that in. You got that? Yeah. So she said it felt like a scab she needed for a collection. Okay. Take that in. You got that? Yeah. So she said it felt like a scab she needed for a collection. For a collection. Probably a scab.

Yeah. Yeah. Evidence part two. Eliza said to Courtney, do eyeballs have blood? Courtney said, no. Eliza said, oh, then I don't want to eat them. All right. Evidence? I mean, eyeballs do have blood. So that's a concern that I have with that one. Well, yeah, but that's maybe Courtney's ignorance regarding the contents of the eyeball. You know

what I mean? I mean, the point is that if Courtney had said, yeah, my eyeball has blood in it, Eliza would say, I would like to eat that because it has blood in it. You see what I'm saying? Right. Listen to this and then you can decide. Eliza's class was supposed to make a spider to scare off Miss Muffet. I think it means draw a spider.

I don't think like actually create a mechanical spider or conjure a spider. It's been a long time. It might be part of the new math. That's true. That's true. You know, in the new math, the spider has eight legs. Eliza patiently waited, hand raised, to tell the teacher that her spider

was a poisonous spider because the red stuff she drew on him was real human blood she was painting in blood see what I'm saying so Jesse Thorne Eliza would eat eyeballs if they had blood

in them is keeping a collection of scabs or wants to, and is drawing in human blood. Dracula or no? Not a Dracula. Why? I'll tell you why. Number one, they wouldn't eat a whole eyeball

just to get the blood inside of it. Oh, that would be ineffective. They eat blood out of necks. Right. Usually by biting and sucking, right? Because it goes faster there. Yeah. But maybe as an

hors d'oeuvre, as a Dracula hors d'oeuvre, as a past hors d'oeuvre to the Dracula party. Dracula's don't eat hors d'oeuvres. No. No? No, they didn't even eat hors d'oeuvres no no no they didn't even eat hors d'oeuvres in 1960 why are they putting on the tuxedos they're going to they're going to fancy party castle parties you're telling me they don't even bite wrists and that's and they could too there's a lot of blood in there or inner thighs next next next that's what

they say next next next all right well you're the expert eliza you're off the hook no dracula the spider's a distraction yeah and the scab collection is just kids being kids good point good point i love scabs i loved scabs as a kid i'm no dracula what do i look like a freaking dracula no way what do i look like you can't tell because the camera in this zoom doesn't pick me up i'm not shown in mirrors doesn't mean i'm a Dracula. Just means I'm a day walker. All right, here's the last one. Teresa writes, my daughter is now 13, but when she was younger, she was one of the creepiest.

We have many stories that are being creepy, but I've included this one. When she was three and a half, she had a dinner. There's a photo that goes along with this, Jesse. I texted it to you earlier. When my daughter was three and a half, she had a dinner, quote unquote, with her stuffed animal, which was a lamb. I took a picture because I thought she was being cute. She had never been one for tea parties or dolls. When I looked at the picture later, I realized there was a doll in the middle of the table between the lamb and my daughter. The doll was on a platter. I asked what she and the lamb were eating. She told me, oh, Lambie and I were eating girl and drinking blood in the most casual tone.

The photo is attached. Chessie Thorne, I present the evidence. Yeah, I'm looking at the evidence I see looks like a fairy there on the platter yep Lammy and I are eating girl

and I see a tumbler and to be honest I see a lot of blood around there I'm not sure that's blood I think that that's probably watercolors or spill paint. I'm pretty sure it's blood.

And I see this beautiful little girl, this adorable child. Yeah. Dracula or no? Yeah, that's a Dracula. That's a Dracula. Two dracs. Two out of three Dracs. Well, would it change your opinion, Jesse, to learn that this Dracula has not remained three and a half, but is in fact aged?

Because Draculas don't age, right? She is now 13 and getting into special effects makeup. And Teresa sent a picture of her favorite look that her daughter has been doing in which her daughter made it look like she had radiation burns. That's the next picture. All these photos, of course, will be available. Holy moly. Oh, this is so upsetting. Content warning. oh this is so upsetting oh content content warning teresa's daughter dracula or no teresa's

daughter is really good at theatrical makeup and these and this theatrical radiation burn makeup that she has put on her own face is pretty scary joel this is like you go to the you go to the blockbuster john and you're we're going to rent Totoro. Yeah. But somebody already rented Totoro. So you're like, oh, I'll get a different one. And you get Grave of the Fireflies. Yeah.

This one looks fun. This movie is called Audition. I'm interested in showbiz. I'll check that one out. Joel, I just texted you this photo. Did you get it? Oh, my God. Dracula or no? Dracula. Okay. There you go.

That's scary. Thank you everybody for writing in. I don't know that Dracula or no is going to be a continuing segment. I'll tell you what. I'll decide. Please write me at Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. If you don't mind, sprinkle in some disputes. Because in fact at Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. If you don't mind, sprinkle in

some disputes, because in fact, the well is running a little dry. I would love to hear some disputes, and I love hearing about your lives and your kids. By the way, one last thing I'll say, the phrase Dracula or no, which makes me laugh every time, is an homage to a short video uploaded to YouTube by Carlos Medina. Carlos Medina is a comedian and a songwriter and a mariachi performer in Santa Fe, New Mexico. He's aligned with the arts collective Meow Wolf there in Santa Fe, which I cannot wait to visit them again as soon as we can do that. It's an incredible space. He's really, really funny. Does all of these characters from his upbringing in northern New Mexico.

And this video called Dracula or No is simply a video of him driving in a car, talking on his cell phone to I think nobody. I think this is some Bob Newhart style fake telephone conversation. Just saying, hey, you know that guy we met at the party? You think he's a Dracula or no? Made me laugh so hard. It's so funny. It's really funny. The best part is when he says, I'm going to ask him to his face, pero on the phone.

He's got an incredible album that came out last year called El Cantador, or 2019, I should say. Carlos Medina, Meow Wolf, look it up. Use your Google. Have a good time. All right, Jesse. I think that's all I got. Do we have a letter you mentioned? We do.

A letter from a listener about the case we cleared from the docket a few weeks ago about the board game strategy king making king making is when somebody who knows they're going to lose throws their support behind one of the players who has a chance of winning and thus decides who will become king my name is katya and i am 11 years old i have something to say about the Kingmaker section from the episode that aired on January 20th, 2021. My family and I play a game called Kingdom Builder and it is really hard to tell if someone's going to lose. Sometimes it looks like someone's going to lose. They might be close to first or even in first place.

So you shouldn't give up while you look like you're losing. Whoa. From listener Katya. P.S. My little brother Ruslan says hi. My whole family loves your show. Ruslan, hi. Katya, hello. Rest of family, you didn't bother to write, but I love you. Yeah. Katya, that is an amazing. Look, I don't know whether you're a Dracula or no, but you're a cool kid. And that is important advice to keep in mind, especially these days. You shouldn't give up while you look like you're losing. Everybody hang in there. Thanks very much for sharing your lives with us and your disputes with us.

And that's the show for today. How about we do the credits? There will be absolutely no surprise at the end of these credits. So you can just listen to the credits and then turn off your podcaster. The docket is clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. Our engineer in Maine is Joel Mann, program and operations manager at WERU Community Radio in Orland, Maine.

You can listen to WERU at WERU.org, and you can follow Joel on Instagram. His handle is TheMainMan. Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. The show is on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman. The show is on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO, and check out the Maximum Fund subreddit to discuss this episode. Submit your cases at MaximumFund.org slash JJHO or email Hodgman at MaximumFund.org. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Here's a surprise post-credit sequence that you didn't see coming. We've got something else for you real quick. Now, as you know, the other week, Jess wrote in, having written some music to accompany the phrase, garlic on my flap steak, an old ragtime-y tune, and I challenged the listeners to write some lyrics for the music and I would sing them. And many did, including Bradley and Josh and Kevin and Jamie, but only

David and Natalie and Dan actually went ahead and sang their lyrics, thus saving me from the chore of having to sing it, which would not have been as much fun. I promise you, because these three are all charming. I'm going to, we'll feature each of them. By the way, the Garlic on My Flapsteak challenge is closed. You don't need to send me any more lyrics. I still have your dishwashers to get to, but I'll be featuring each of them in the coming weeks in a surprise post-credit sequence, so you can listen to their song. We'll start this week with David. David, Natalie, Dan, write me, hodgman at maximumfund.org. Give me your addresses. Pick out something from the Judge John Hodgman area at maxfundstore.com, and I shall send it to you free of charge. All right, garlic on my flap steak. To quote

Samuel L. Jackson, hold on to your butts. What's another Samuel L. Jackson quote? To quote Samuel L. Jackson, what if I wore this hat backwards? To quote Samuel L. Jackson, Siri, play Garlic on My Flapsteak. You can take my judging gown and gavel cause there's nothing left for me to do to keep. Hand me down my seasoned iron skillet cause there's something i've been hankering to make you can keep your bucket full of scallops you can keep your old tomato cake i want nothing nothing more than just a sand fresh garlic on my flap steak You could keep your Pennsylvania Scrapple Or the cookies that my trusty bailiff bakes I won't be having the Kung Pao chicken

Could a hot dog be a sandwich? No, it can't I don't want pizza with or without garbage Or a sock full of a Disney turkey leg Your tzatzumas only make me misophonic Gimme garlic on my flap steak Will you still love me When my diamond-dying status downgrades? Or after your discovery of my 120 apocalyptic jars of mayonnaise

Or when our children spread their wings and up and fly away If by love or if by toxoplasmosis I hope you'll stay You can take my judging gown and gavel Cause there's nothing left for me to adjudicate Hand me down my seasoned iron skillet Cause there's something I've been hankering to make You can keep your bucket full of scallops You can keep your bucket full of scallops. You can keep your old tomato cake.

I want nothing, nothing more than justice and fresh garlic on my flap steak. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.