Judge John Hodgman - The Nominative Case

Episode Date: August 22, 2012

Jordan and his friend Charles bring an unresolved bet, instigated by a discussion of the DC comics villain Mr. Myxlptlk. Could Jordan's friends trick him into say his own name backwards? namdgoH nhoJ egduJ rules!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, morning host at 93.9 The River, WRSI in Northampton, Massachusetts, in for Jesse Thorne. This week, the nominative case. Jordan, a lifelong comic book fan, and his friend Charles were discussing the DC Comics villain Mr. Mixapitalik and made a wager. If Jordan's friend could trick him into saying his own name backwards, he'd owe them $5. If Jordan's friend could trick him into saying his own name backwards, he'd owe them $5. Charles says the group succeeded using Jordan's middle name. But Jordan refuses to pay up, saying the middle name doesn't count. Who's right? And what's in a name anyway? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom.

In loudest din or hush profound, my ears hear evil's slightest sound. Let those who toll out evil's knell beware my power. The sound of a gavel. Monty Belmonte, swear them in, please. Jordan and Charles, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, justice, and the American way? So help you God or whatever? Or whatever.

Or whatever. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling? I do. I do as well. Thank you, Judge John Hodgman. You may proceed. Jordan, Charles, hello. Hello. For an immediate summary judgment, can either one of you nerds tell me the specific cultural reference that I paraphrased as I entered the courtroom? That's Green Lantern's Oath.

Or the oath revised by Alan Moore to be the, what was it, the G-sharp bell? Exactly. I say Green Lantern's Oath. Green Lantern's Oath. Who was the first answer? I, Jordan. All right. See you guys. Who was the first answer? Hi, Jordan. Alright. See you guys later. Summary judgment in Jordan's favor. Yes! Do you know what? I'm not going to give you a summary judgment

because it's actually the F sharp. Oh, I was so close. But Jordan, since you are clearly superior to Charles, may I ask you to explain to the normals in the listening audience what the heck we're talking about? Well, Green Lantern is a superhero who, through the force of his willpower, can create constructs out of light, a green light with his magic ring. No, no, no.

Listen, they're all podcast listeners. They know who Green Lantern is. They're not that normal. Specifically, Alan Moore, a great comic books writer, created a Green Lantern whose name was? His actual name name? Wow, I don't know that. Yeah. Rotlop Fan.

Right. And the situation was that he... What was unusual about Rotlop Fan? He was from a planet where there was no light. And so he did not understand the concept of green or the concept of a lantern. And so even though the green lantern chose him, he couldn't understand what that meant. So it came up with a different

idea for him that the purest sound would be the F-sharp bell, and he would use his F-sharp bell powers to do the same thing the Green Lanterns do. And the normal Green Lantern oath would have been, sir, go ahead. Oh my goodness. The traditional Hal Jordanian Green Lantern.

In brightest day and blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might wear my power, Green Lantern's light. Beware my power, Green Lantern's light. And this was Rotlop Phan's non-visual interpretation of that. Is there like a note that's equivalent to yellow? Who's speaking now? This is Charles. Charles, I thought you were in the embarrassment corner.

Oh, no, I can talk in the corner. No, no, no, no, no, no. You will speak when spoken to in my courtroom. I will have order. I understand light and I have full use of my willpower and it's not an F-sharp bell, but a heavy hammer that will come down on you, sir. If you interrupt, I'm having a conversation. You need me to remove him from the courtroom? Thank you, Monty, bailiff Monty, but no, I think I have things under control at the moment. This is the closest that

I think we've ever come to. No, there was one other very close summary judgment. If you had said F-sharp bell, I probably would have had to walk away. Honestly, I was so happy when you said G sharp because that it really is. I did not know about this until about five minutes ago. The fact that you recognize that it's pretty amazing. So Jordan, who brings the case? You or Charles? Technically, both of us have brought it at different times, but I was the most recent

one to send it in. Jordan, explain what the problem is with your friend, aside from interrupting. As the bailiff mentioned, it was all inspired by the Superman villain, Mr. Mixius Piddalick. He's an annoying imp from the sixth dimension, as I'm sure your honor knows.

Whose only weakness is if he says his name backwards, he's banished back to his home. In pre-Crisis on Infinite Earths continuity, that's correct? Correct. Absolutely. And I'm a big fan of the Silver Age Superman stories. They're so much fun. Hear, hear. And so I said, though, as much as I love this character, that's preposterous. If I know that my weakness is saying my name backwards, there's no possible way anyone is

ever going to get me to say my name backwards. I just won't say it. There's no way I would say it. So I issued an open challenge that if anyone can get me to say my name backwards, I would give them $5. And when was this challenge made? Oh gosh, it's been standing for probably 10 years, 9 years. And according to you, this challenge has never been met. But according to Charles, it has been.

Is that not right, Charles? That is right. All right, Charles, please tell me your side of the story. The part where he issued the challenge on my side of the story is exactly the same. He issued this challenge. And there were a couple of ways in which we preliminarily met the challenge. There was somebody who got him to say his name while standing in a mirror, and he didn't count.

And that was pretty much a stretch. So I said, fine. And we got him to say his name and reverse the tape, and that was a stretch. We said, fine. But then Jordan's name, if he introduced himself... You got him to say his name, tape record it, and then he himself pressed reverse on the tape?

No, we reversed the tape. But he was saying his name and it was backwards. Yeah, that's two technicalities. Yeah. Now, if you meet him, he'll introduce himself as Jordan D. White. And if you ask him what the D stands for,

he will tell you it's his middle name, which is Douglas. Which backwards is Salgud. All right. So we've never gotten to say his name. I'd like to see where you're going with this. Yes. We've never gotten to say his name.

Yeah. Well, no, we never even did that. It was close to that. It sounded kind of like that. And he's never said his first name backwards, which would be Jordan. I'm not going to say it. No, of course. Jordan, what would his first name backwards, which would be Jordan. I'm not going to say it. No, of course. Jordan, what would your first name backwards be?

As a very educated man, Your Honor, I'm sure you can figure it out. I can't. I just don't. What is it? I'm afraid I will not say it. All right. So go on, Charles. How did you proceed to trick Jordan instead?

This was finally precipitated when we were making a radio show that we'd written a script for. It was like a radio serial. Because you live in Great Britain, where they do radio serials? No, we're the last ones in this country. I'm sorry. Are you time travelers? What are your ages? I'm 27. Okay.

I am 32. Okay. So this goes back to teenage and early 20s years for you dudes. Yes. All right. And so In what capacity were you making radio serials? Well, we were both

volunteering at a radio station where Jordan had a show and we made radio serials that he would play on his show. So I put in a script... What radio station? You can shout out a radio station. Oh, 90.5 WHRW

Binghamton, New York Ah very good Binghamton is classic rock I fully allow buzz marketing Of terrestrial radio It would be cruel if I did not allow it Right Monty? Love it

Where are you a DJ at again? WRSI 93.9 The river northampton massachusetts different is good all right different that's good go ahead guys so um so you were doing this is your college radio station so yeah i presume all right so state university of new york binghamton w some whatever it was and you had jordan you had a radio show and it was called the the late night nerd hour or what was it? Welcome to the Waxwork. Yeah, that was the late afternoon nerd hour.

All right. So really to start about 420. What would you play on Welcome to the Waxwork? What would you spin? Well, we had a detective series called Decker and Hayes. We had a superhero series called Guard Duty. And the series that Charles is referring to is a science fiction adventure called Epic Echoes, the Backwards series. Epic Echoes, the Backwards series?

Is that what you just said? Yes. Okay. Correct. And was it your idea to call it the Backwards series? Or was this one of Charles' many mischievous, impish ways, I dare say, to trick you into saying your name backwards. That was my idea because we started with the series finale and every episode took place one episode before the one before it. All right. Look, I am 41 years old. I cannot

follow what you're talking about. Will you please stop blowing my mind? Charles, you created a character. What was your trick? Well, I mean, the first thing we did was we just had, we put in a character named Salgud in there. Like a space character? He was the president of a planet, I think. Right, but an alien, right? Salgud, an alien character.

Right, gotcha. And now in every previous or subsequent episode, depending on which way you go to the Backward series, Jordan had played every TV announcer. So in my episode, there was a TV announcer who came on and said, we'll now have a message from President Salgud. Right. And Jordan just went into the studio and, oh, there's an announcer part.

Who wants to do it? I don't feel like it. Total coincidence. I had no idea what they were doing. We all thought, oh, has he figured it out or not? I don't know. But we were still very determined. And we wrote Salgud graffiti on the wall, and we all just started making Salgud as much of a running joke as possible.

So wait a minute. You created a character named Salgud, and then you tricked Jordan as the news announcer making reference to this character and saying the word Salgud on the radio. We tried, and well, that didn't work. Okay. Why didn't it work, Jordan? Honestly, like you said, it was a total coincidence. I did not spot the reference, and I just said, hey, does anybody want to do this part of the announcer?

And somebody did, and so I didn't do it myself. So you just blithely dodged a bullet. Mm-hmm. Like Mr. Magoo style, you walked from a moving piano onto a gir a bullet you just like mr magoo style you walked from a moving piano onto a girder and you didn't even know that you almost died exactly correct and then you sent in some you sent in some uh evidence uh charles a photograph of um a bulletin board a physical bulletin board from your college radio station saying station wide announcements in which there is a piece of graffiti, which is Sal good exclamation mark.

What was the, right. What was the idea of this? This was just to introduce the term Sal good into everyday parlance, right? This was part of the mass mind game that we, uh, several of us just started,

you know, as saying Salgud and forcing a laugh from time to time whenever Jordan was around. You were trying to introduce this word into, this is truly the long game. You're trying to introduce this word into the language, into the slang of Binghamton, New York City, in order to trick your friend into saying it at some point. You've got it exactly.

And did that succeed? Yes. When did it succeed? We were outside of the station in the parking lot. It's dark out. We're standing around. And out of the blue, he says, by the way, what is it with this Salgud joke? Was he like a character in one of the shows?

Why is it so funny? Ah, and then what happened? Then we immediately cheered, laughed hysterically, and confused him further. And then we immediately demanded $5, which he has yet to produce, despite saying at the time, yeah, you got me. I owe you $5. Whoa, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Because what I was about to say was, yeah, why would he give you $5?

You got him to pronounce his middle name backwards. That's a stretch. That is his name. That's almost like getting him to say his name into a mirror, which not only is a technical stretch, but dangerous. Because if he said his name three times, he would come out of the mirror and strangle himself. You know that, don't you?

I thought you guys went to college and smoked marijuana. No, listen, Salgud, let me talk to you for a second. Did you say you got me? In my defense, in that, the reason I – Yes or no, sir. The only answers I will accept are yes, no, or nadron. You're very close, but I'm still not going to say it. What am I close to?

Yes. Yes, no, or nadron. Why is nadron wrong? What would Nadron... What would be the correct way of saying your name backwards, jerk? Well, you would replace the N at the end with a J at the end. To create what? What would that sound like?

So you didn't answer that question. I will say yes, I did say it. The answer was yes. But it's because I was overcome with honor that they had spent so much effort trying to trick me. Yeah. Because they really went to trick me. Yeah. Because they really went months doing this. Yeah. I think it was brilliant.

Correct. Utterly brilliant. And you did say you got me, which is, you know what? That's going to be something I'm going to consider very heavily in Chambers. I mean, as your honor has already said said my middle name is not my name if I said say my name that's clearly just a part of my name you would either assume

my name means Jordan or my name means my full name Jordan D. White or Jordan Douglas White and I never said any of those things in addition it goes against the spirit of the original challenge which is in reference to Mr. Mixius Pitalik, who always knows exactly what his name backwards is. You can't surprise him by going, oh, you didn't think that this is your name?

No, he knows his name is Mr. Mixius Pitalik. What's his name backwards? Keltep Zixum, I believe. Did he disappear? Is he still there? I did not disappear. I am not him. I always thought it was Etta Hugh.

I'm not going to say that either. Just in case. Well, hold on. What is it exactly that we made you say in the parking lot? Okay. Here's the thing. I will now say that having clarified the rules for everyone's benefit

and said the challenge refers to my first name, Jordan, only, I can now say that you made me say Salgud without any argument, that I do not need to pay anyone money for that. Did you? Say it again. Oh, goodness gracious. I have a feeling you're going to try to get me to give you money, but that's not part of the challenge for me to say salgud.

Here's the thing. There is a legitimate gray area here. And I would say that on the one hand, you're saying, Nadraj, that you got me is a clear admission of you're getting got. On the other hand, if this technique was so brilliant, and I agree it was, to introduce a made-up word, and you were so patient, Charles, also known as Selrock, and if Salgud was just as Salgud, as it were, as saying Nadraj, why not just work Nadraj into your weird radio play? We did that. And we tried that on an earlier episode.

Earlier episode. And Nadraj read the script, and he was torn he said i because he was gonna he read it the day before and he was in a moral crisis about whether he was going to read his line because he didn't want to you know disturb the the work that I'd written, but he didn't want to give me $5. And eventually he cut the Nadraj out of the line. So he caught it. He caught it. But you told me you were in a dilemma. Sure. And eventually, yeah, he cut it out of the line.

That was totally fine it was his right it wasn't doesn't that constitute a de facto understanding a de facto contract between you guys at nadraj was the target word that's it's a it was a target word the target was his name what he said was my name and i maintain that a middle name is a name. The word name is in the phrase middle name, and middle works as an adjective. But, sir, wouldn't – excuse me for a minute, Nadraj. Wouldn't a reasonable person describe the middle name as a middle name or a part of a name? It is in no way the main name of a person. Most people, it's not their main name right i know some people who go by it but i think that i'm a yeah but a reasonable person

would hear him not say oh you have to get me to say my main name backwards aren't the people who you call them you know robert all their lives and then you learn later on that their actual name is Timothy Robert whatever, Mintzelplick or whatever. Aren't the people who go by their middle names distrustworthy jerks? In large part, yeah. That always freaks me out when people tell me, oh yeah, that's my middle name actually. What's wrong? What's wrong with your real first name?

What are you hiding? Are you going to be sent back to another dimension if you say it? I know. I mean, most people I know who do that sign it like T. Robert whatever. But I would say that most reasonable people do not accept a middle name as my name. A middle name on its own. May I ask a question? Jordan, you don't happen to be

of any sort of Catholic descent, do you? Technically I do, but not in any way that I recognize, really. It's very common in Catholic culture to have a Mary Gertrude something or other, and they go by Gertrude exclusively. So could we factor this into the judgment here? I mean, I would say that if I was walking down the street and someone called out

Douglas, I would not turn to look going, oh, someone has said my name. Like I would not consider it at all. So you have this word in your documentation as a citizen that your parents gave you in between Jordan and White. Yes. And you're saying it's not a name that is yours? But, okay, it is in my name, but it is not in itself my name. It is a part of the whole. If you go up to most people, would you say, is Douglas a name? They would say, sure, I've heard that name. And then you could say that is a name that you have in the middle of Jordan and White. It heard that name. And then you could say that that is a name that you have in the middle of Jordan and White.

It is your name. But I do not lay claim to it as mine solely. There are other people that call Douglas. Correct. It's not yours solely. I am not called Douglas. I am called Jordan. Douglas.

I just called you Douglas. Okay, well, I don't answer to that. But it's almost like this. Okay, well, I don't answer to that. But it's almost like this. You just... Okay, guys, just calm down for a second. It's very similar to the famous jazz singer, Edda... I'm sorry? What's that?

What was that? Do you know the famous jazz singer, Edda... I do not. Did you hear what I was that? Do you know the famous jazz singer? I do not. Did you hear what I was saying? I heard what you were attempting to get me to say. You're a hard nut to crack. This is what I'm saying.

There's no way I'll say it. I know what it is. I can't say it. I'm not going to say it. And that thing I said was not on the list if you were compelled to say your name backwards by threat or force or blackmail and you did it would that count or do you need to be finessed into saying it i would say on some level you could say sure that counts but why mess around with it? Why not cut out the middleman

and just compel me to give you money? Because that's not amusing at all. Okay. What kind of joyless jerk are you? So somebody's going to say I will punch you in the face unless you say your name backwards rather than I'll punch you in the face unless you give me name backwards, rather than I'll punch you in the face unless you give me $5.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I guess. You can't be punching me in the face. No, that would be them saying it to me. I'm sorry. All right. So let me just understand the final details of the contract. compelled or if you were tricked into saying your name backwards you would give five dollars to just sell rock or to any other number of people are there anyone else in in this thing uh there there

are uh i think the main players were uh charles ava and nick uh all three of them are part of the the meme of sell rock of sell rock of you know what I mean, the name. And if you were, so you would have to give them each $5 if you were tricked into saying it. Yeah. That's a good question. It was always presented as just $5 total. Yeah. You know what, guys?

When you make bets, you better get clarity right away. Okay? That's the lesson that whatever I rule, the lesson that I hope you have learned is when you enter into a contract, get the specifics down. This is elementary stuff here. Middle names, should they count? Should they not count? Who do I got to pay the money to? Cashier's check, all this stuff. You need to work this out. Did you even shake hands? Well, no, because it's an open challenge. Anyone can do it. That's why your honor has been attempting to get me to say my name backwards.

Oh, no. We shook hands after he admitted he got it wrong and agreed to give us $5 and then didn't. Did you agree to give them $5 when you said you got me? I believe I was cagey about it. Oh, now who's being subtle? I'm pretty clear in my memory. I don't just believe, I know that you were not cagey and you agreed to give us $5. In what way, sir, were you cagey? What was your, what was your weasel language that you used? Because I was saying things like, oh, I mean, you know, that's my middle name, you know, that kind of caginess.

Because, again, I was overcome with the emotion that they had pulled off such a wonderful trick on me, but part of me knew that's not the thing that they were supposed to actually do, though. Have you any recordings of the old-timey radio shows that you used to make? Absolutely. All right. Will you make sure that I get some so that we can post some on the blog,

particularly you saying, oh, you never said Salgud on the radio. Somebody else said Nadraj. No, no. Somebody else said Salgud, too. Yeah, yeah. I can get you a link to that. Sure, absolutely. What are the words, just humor me, Jordan,

what are all the words that people said on your radio show? You want me to list them all? What are the list of all the words that were ever said on your radio show, whether by you or from someone else? Sure, sure. There were the, there was a, there was with. Let me think, what else? This is going to take a little while, though.

Monty Bailiff, Monty, will you just fast forward the tape until we get to the ends? We're there. And that's all of them. I didn't forget anything except maybe I forgot one. I think I've heard everything. I'm going to go into my chambers. I'm going to listen

to some old-timey radio and I will come back with my decision very soon. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Jordan, Charles, I need to actually swear you out temporarily. Repeat after me. Neither Superman,

Rumpelstiltskin. Neither Superman, Rumpelstiltskin. Nor a Ralph Naderagepodge. Not doing it. Come on! Naderajpaj not doing it come on Naderajpaj you must do this you are in a court of law sir

I'm afraid you will need to find me in contempt of the court Charles did you this is such a lengthy farce to get him to say this all good did you ever consider actually just trying to like use jive talking with your friends and just start saying it's all good all the time ever consider actually just trying to use jive talking with your friends and just start saying, it's all good, all the time?

Rather than work it into a radio drama? It's all good. You know what? I think that was part of it. I think the joke was that it devolved out of that. And we were trying to get Jordan to say it like that. And eventually it worked. He wasn't saying it for a long time. because I think he kind of looked down on the humor of it.

I don't think he thought it was that funny. Did he realize the Salgud was you trying to get him to say his middle name? No, not until he said it. Actually, the Salgud nerdy radio drama way or the Salgud, the jive talking airplane kind of way? Neither. The Salgud, yeah. He said, what is this Salgud thing? I don't know why it's funny.

What is the joke? Because they played it as though it were an internet meme that I just didn't see yet. And you know how it's annoying when your friends keep quoting this meme around you and you're like, I don't know that stupid meme. Like, shut up about it. That's how I felt about it.

Like that Nadraj cat. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Remember him? What's he? I'm felt about it. Like that Nadraj cat. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Remember him? What's he? I'm not doing it. There's no way.

I just, there's no way. Nadraj, did you at least consider giving them like $3? The middle name? Again, at points I have thought, well, you know, they worked so hard. But it would be unfair of me to reward them for the incorrect results. What if it was your last name? Is your last name, would that have been acceptable? Full out $5? Well, since this argument has come up, I've definitely clarified and said, we're talking about my first name here. We're talking about Jordan only.

And I guess my question for you then, Charles, would be if you, let's use a different sort of name here. If you were to just yell, um, Edeljew, Edeljew, Edeljew, would that summon Beetlejuice? I, you know what? I don't think Beetlejuice ever issued that. I could try it. Monty, Monty, will you stop yelling anti-Semitic remarks on my podcast? I'm trying as hard as I can. Edeljub, please rise as Tanad Gnodj re-enters the courtroom.

Well, let's just stipulate, first of all, that this bet was horribly constructed. There was disclarity among all parties from the beginning and unfortunately left so many loopholes on either side that anyone could sail through and claim it's not valid. And I think that I hope that you've learned a valuable lesson that when making a bet, you need to be very clear or a challenge as it were. You need to be very clear, or a challenge as it were. You need to be very clear what is going on.

Because there is no clarity, right? Recently, you've retconned the whole event, Nadraj, into saying you meant your first name only. But as you stipulate, Mr. What's his name? I've always said Mitzelplitik, but I know that's wrong. Mitzietzplitik. Is that right? Mixius Pidilic. Mixius Pidilic.

Mr. Mixius Pidilic, that's clearly a surname. That's true. And so therefore, it should not be Nadraj at all. By logic, it should be Etihu or White backwards, which is your last name, your surname. In many ways, I would say this is a contract that is completely unenforceable no matter what happens. So please, listeners, when you are creating dumb college contracts between each other, you're making dumb bar bets,

be very clear what's going to happen, or else you're going to lose $5. That said, when you said you got me i have to say that this almost surely takes precedence over everything because at that point you are you are admitting that the contract has been fulfilled you are accepting the work that has been done under the contract and therefore you owe that person payment, sir. I don't care how you try to hedge your way out of it. This was a brilliantly constructed, devious attempt to get you to say a word that you did not realize you were saying that was a part of your name.

And since no specific part of name was specified, even though a reasonable person might not presume that middle name counts, it's still, let me put it this way, does it pass the comic book test? If Batman got Mr. Mitsyidlplik to say some crazy, dumb word, and Superman was like, how come he disappeared? And Batman said it was his middle name.

That would be a great final panel of a comic book. That follows comic book logic. And you know it in your heart, Nadraj. You know it in your nerdy heart. heart because you felt that beautiful sense of having been duped in the in the essence of the way mitsy it'll flick was constantly duped in pre-crisis on infinite earth i have to say even if you had not said you got me i would feel tempted to honor the um the sheer inventiveness and frankly the passion for old-time radio, that both of you display,

and Charles in particular, in tricking you, and award him the $5. But especially because you knew it so clearly and innately that you said without thinking, you got me, that was far more damning than any Nadraj you would ever say. And therefore, I rule in favor of Charles Selrock. Nadraj, you owe him $5,

and no longer shall this be a point of dispute. This is the sound of a gavel. Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice, Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Jordan Charles, I need to swear you out again. Repeat after me. I love the Huffington Post. I love the Huffington Post.

Nadraud report. No, I'm not going to do the... You can restart the bet. Right now. A lot more money, I think. And I think all of Jordan's name should be included at this point. You can restart the bet. I'm,

I'm basically putting a bounty on your head. Now, if anyone gets you to say, Nad Raj, you have to give them a hundred dollars. Whoa. Yeah. Uh huh.

And you have to disappear into another dimension for 90 days. That second part is extra tough, but a hundred whole dollars? But, Ned Raj, you are impervious. You know you're never going to say it, right? Well, that's true. You're absolutely right. But now you have all of the Judge John Hodgman listeners encircling you forever, trying to get you to say it and get evidence of it. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what. If a Judge John Hodgman listener gets you to say Nadraj and has evidence of it that I can see and evaluate, that is, say, video or audio evidence that you stipulate and agree to actually happened, I will give that person $100 out of my own pocket. And you will give that person $5. That seems fair. Thank5. That seems fair. Thank you. That is fair.

All right. Now give $5 to Charles and also give $5 to the other two people who are in on it. $5 each? Yeah, $5 each. That's why you've got to be specific. Okay. If it was a conspiracy of years of their life, they did. Yeah.

To get you to give them this $5. Yeah. You're not in college anymore. You're 32 years old. You have 15 bones lying around. Cough it up. Cough it up, nerd. Skip one Wednesday at the comic book shop and give your friends

some money that they earned. Let me ask you a question, guys. Do you still live in the New York area? I do. I live near New York. I'm not in the city. But in the area? Yeah, in the area. And do you still like old-timey radio? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yes. Let me take this moment to let you know about the Thrilling Adventure Hour. Do you know the Thrilling Adventure Hour? I quite... Jordan introduced me to the Thrilling Adventure Hour, and I was very grateful. I adore them. Jordan, since you're an expert in all things Green Lantern-y, comic book-y, and old-time radio-y, will you explain to the listenership what the Thrilling Adventure Hour is? Well, they're a live show that happens monthly out in Los Angeles, who also now have a podcast where they play the live recordings of old-timey radio-style shows that they do. And I've heard your honor on them as well,

playing a piano. Well, I, yes, I, I, I played, I did not actually play a piano. I was in the role of a robotic piano.

Correct. Right. And they stay, they, they very much like you guys. And indeed you might accuse them of stealing from you. They stage right. And stage very,

very funny pastiches of old timey radio that are really exciting and fun. Their podcast is fantastic. It's called Thrilling Adventure Hour. You can find it anywhere on the web. And did you guys know that they are coming to New York City to stage a all-brand-new Thrilling Adventure Hour with Paul F. Tompkins and Padgett Brewster and Busy Phillips and Ben Acker and Ben Blacker and Mark Evan Jackson and all of your faves from the Thrilling Adventure Hour? I did know that. Do you have tickets? I didn't, but I want to go now that I do. Jordan, do you have tickets? I do have tickets. How many tickets do you have? Just one for myself and one for my wife. Oh, okay. Charles, would you like a ticket?

wife. Oh, okay. Charles, would you like a ticket? Yes. Plus one? Would you like a plus one? Yes. I was going to give you a couple tickets too, Jordan, but I guess you're too smart for everybody today. Because you're too smart for your own good. But anyone else? It's all good.

Thank you, Your Honor. I'm very grateful. I don't know precisely when this goes out over the air, but there are two shows at the Bell House on Sunday, September 30th. I know that the first show is already sold out. Please rush and get tickets for the second show. And if it's already sold out by the time

you hear this, please listen to the podcast and encourage the Bell House or Thrilling Adventure Hour to come east again. And I think it's going to be a good time. Jordan Charles, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. You're welcome. Thank you.

A pleasure. Talk to you guys later. Nad Raj forever. John Hodgman, what are you doing? Sorry, I just found me in my chambers. I'm putting my verdict into a Mylar bag with an acid-free cardboard backing and taping it up and adding it to my collection of verdicts. Never to be touched with or enjoyed again.

Nodged to be touched again? Nodged. Ah! You're going back to it. You've said your name backwards. Oh, good. Then let's go back to the beginning of the segment and clear the docket. Deanna writes,

My husband and I purchased a home built in 1981 with original decorations of the segment and clear the docket. Deanna writes, my husband and I purchased a home built in 1981 with original decorations of the time, wainscoting, wallpaper, shag carpeting. Dispute is over the brown shag carpet in the living room, which we plan to replace with hardwood. I want it out before we move in and am willing to live on the subfloor underneath with an area rug over it until the hardwood floor is ready. My husband refuses to remove the carpet until the hardwood is ready to lay down, which could be a couple of months. I am baffled, upset, and really do not want to live on someone else's old carpet. Please help.

Baffled. That's an adjective that I had not seen coming. It doesn't seem to be particularly baffling to me either, but. It's funny. I almost certainly would have said just deal with it and deal with the shag carpet until the hardwood is ready and then just do it all in one fell swoop. But I have to say that Deanna won me over when she made reference to I do not want to live on someone else's old carpet. Suddenly that carpet does not just seem like a bad taste issue. It also seems like a hygienic issue. Especially with shag carpet. Suddenly that carpet does not just seem like a bad taste issue, it also seems like a

hygienic issue. Especially with shag carpet. You know, if it's just a really flat, worn-out carpet, it might be one thing, but the shag just has so much more potential for ticks and lice and Ebola virus. And carpet snakes. So, yeah. Sorry, hubby. You gotta tear out that carpet.

Get an area carpet. Deal with it. Steve writes, My wife Randy claims that part of the written lyrics to Bruce Springsteen's You got to tear out that carpet. Get an area carpet. Deal with it. Steve writes, my wife Randy claims that part of the written lyrics to Bruce Springsteen's Born to Run are incorrect. When we first met, her email address was

powertrot at somethingorother.com. Randy told me that the phrase was the Born to Run lyrics. I listened to the song and heard that it was actually power drive, in context with another phrase used, hemi-powered drones.

Even after learning that the lyrics told the story of young men cruising in muscle cars and that various lyric websites print the words as power drive, Randy still insists that the boss may have written it as power drive, but that he sings it as Power Trot. What?

Will you please render judgment? Well, this puts me in a difficult position, because on the one hand, we have common sense, which is that Bruce Springsteen was not writing in the milieu of old-timey westerns. A Power Trot. Yeah. Let's just go out for a ride.

There are no horses. Make it a 50-mile go out for a ride. There are no horses. Like a 50-mile one. Yeah, yeah. There are no horses in that song. So there's really no power trotting to be done. That's not even a term. At the same time, you're putting me in a position

where I have to trust lyrics websites, which by their nature are the most insidious and untrustworthy things pretty much on the internet, because all they want to do is sell you ringtones. Right. And give you viruses. And give you viruses.

Like you could get from a shag carpet. Yeah, for example. So my inclination is to go to the source and use fair use and listen to the lyrics. So, Monty, you listen with me. Okay. fair use and listen to the lyrics. So, Monty, you listen with me. Okay.

This is the section of the song that I have isolated via quasi-legal means. And just to say, someone posted it on YouTube with just the album cover instead of a video of the song itself, and therefore is breaking the law. I won't say who it is. And tell me if you can hear this. Last chance power drive. Everybody's out on the run tonight, but there's no place left to hide. Yeah, last chance power drive.

Last chance power drive. I see where she's coming from. It almost sounds like, last chance power drive. He just doesn't enunciate well. But my argument with this would be that the next lyric is, everybody's out on the run tonight, but there's no place left to hide, which doesn't rhyme with drive, but has more assonance and certainly doesn't sound anything like trot. Right. So how so why don't you sing the two lines? The highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive.

Everybody's out on the run tonight, but there's no place left to trot. No, hide. Thank you very much, Monty. Well, I already did a huge plug for the Thrilling Adventure Hour. May I also mention, please go to MaximumFun.org and listen to all the other great podcasts

that Jesse Thorne is constantly plugging, and appropriately so when he is not in London. But we don't have Jesse here. So, Monty, is there any... Maybe there's a radio station you work for? Yes, I have Jesse here. So Monty, is there anything? Maybe there's a radio station you work for? Yes, I work for 93.9 The River, WRSI in Northampton. I podcast frequently, usually short four or five minute local flavor type podcasts, but special guests like Judge John Hodgman and Rachel Maddow, et cetera, come by every once in a while and hang out with me.

This is the radio station where Rachel Maddow got her start. That's right. She was a morning show host. I was an underling under her and now have the unfortunate position to be the person that people call every day and say, God, I really wish Rachel Maddow was still the morning show host here. And given that this, uh, this podcast will probably go out, uh, uh, sometime, uh, in the late summer, early fall, uh, anything coming up, uh, in the late fall or winter

that we should know about? We've started these cash mobs, which you may have heard of a flash mob where people get together and sing the sound of music in a train station. I know the inventor of the flash mob. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. We are totally stealing his idea, but for benevolent means, where we take the listeners of the radio station, nominate a local business that they feel like needs some community support and maybe a very quick influx of cash. And we set out a time to go and support that business for like an hour. So we'll be doing more of those throughout the winter. We did one at Wilson's in Greenfield, which I'm sure that you're familiar with, John Hodgman. The great department store in Greenfield, Massachusetts.

And in late summer, we did one at the Northfield Drive-In, where we tried to get a bunch of people to just support that beautiful piece of Americana that's always, you know, threatened year to year. Well, what a delight. Thank you, Judge John Hodgman. So, Monty, you really sang that really well. When my band used to cover that song, had to memorize, like, there's a big instrumental breakdown. There's a part where I, as the drummer, needed to be there at the backing of the band.

And it's, for lack of a better descriptor, this is my mnemonic device. I know how many times to hit the cymbals before this part stops. And then there's the big snare hit. The highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive. I wasn't the singer, luckily. Thank you very much. It's Judge Jen Hodgman karaoke hour. Thank you very much for joining us, guest bailiff, Monty Bailiff Monty.

You may listen to him on WRSI, the River 93.9 FM in Northampton and across your digital radio dial. And I will just mention that it's been fun having you and I can't wait till you come back again. I can't wait to be back again. See you next time on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks

who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at AreasOfMyExpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at forum.maximumfund.org and our Facebook group at facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.