Judge John Hodgman - The Parenthetical Petition

Episode Date: January 3, 2011

Recorded live on stage at The Talent Show in Brooklyn! Judge John Hodgman decides the case of a couple who disagree: do parentheses have a place in fiction?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Judge Hodgman is currently cruising in the Caribbean with JoCo Cruise Crazy, Jonathan Colton's cruise. So we thought we'd share with you this live Judge John Hodgman recorded in Brooklyn at the Talent Show. Filling in for me is guest bailiff Elna Baker. Thank you, Elna. Thank you, Kevin. Excuse me. You may be seated. Thank you very much. It's very nice to be here this evening. I am Judge John Hodgman.

I'm sorry that everyone is so freaked out about my children backstage. I didn't realize that would cause such a problem. This is Brooklyn, you realize. I'm drunk and I have my children with me. That's just how it goes. I would have left them at home if I could have gotten a babysitter, but I wear glasses here tonight so I couldn't get them to babysit my children. So here they are backstage. And I'm not sure they're my children. So we have two people who have a dispute, and the disputants are here this evening.

Am I right? If you will raise your hand. You're seated somewhere where I can see you. Will you come to the stage, please? That's right. Come right on up. And this is, is it TJ? Is that correct?

Yes. And? Brendan. Brendan. Elna, would you swear TJ and Brendan in according to my ‑‑ Brendan, you come over here, please. We have to separate you two. All right.

So, Elna, you swear in TJ first if you don't mind. What is your given name if I don't mind? I don't want to call you TJ or anyone TJ. That's my given name. Your given name is TJ? All right. We'll say Theresa Jane. Elna, you repeat after me and then you repeat after Elna, won't you?

I. I. I. Say Theresa Jane. Say Theresa Jane. Theresa Jane. Do solemnly swear. Do solemnly swear.

Do solemnly swear. To tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. To tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. To tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. To tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me Cthulhu. So help me Cthulhu. So help me Cthulhu. Even though John Hodgman has no legal training.

Even though John Hodgman has no legal training. Even though John Hodgman has no legal training. Or authority. Or authority. Or authority. Very well. Now we'll swear in this gentleman whose name I don't know. What is your name, sir?

Brandon. Okay. I. I. No, Eleanor. I. Thank you. I.

Excuse me. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Do solemnly swear. Do solemnly swear. Do solemnly swear. Do solemnly swear. Do solemnly swear. Do solemnly swear.

To tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. To tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. To tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me Cthulhu. So help me Cthulhu. So help me Cthulhu. In sunken Raleigh in which he dwells. In sunken Raleigh in which he dwells.

In sunken Raleigh in which he dwells. Et cetera, et he dwells. Second Riley in which he dwells. Et cetera, et cetera. Et cetera, et cetera. Very well. Thank you very much, Elena. Bailiff Elena is our guest bailiff. Now, TJ, I will call you TJ for the moment. Thank you.

You have brought the complaint. Could you state the nature of the complaint between you and Brendan, a.k.a. Tommy, your boyfriend? Okay. So Tommy, he believes that parentheses, the punctuation marks that go like this. I know what they are. Thank you.

Okay. He believes they should not be used in fiction. I'm prepared to make my ruling. Thank you very much. In fairness, do you have anything else to say in your opening statements or is that enough? I don't agree with him. That's enough, I think. Yes.

Brendan, your opening statement, please. I understand you do not believe that parentheses should be used in fiction. Is that correct? That is correct. Anything you would like to add to that statement? I find them distracting and I believe they break the flow of the storytelling. For you personally? I think for everyone.

Whole world. I would like to have it put in the record that Brendan says, I think for everyone. You are aware that there is a separation between you and other human beings. You do not actually think for everyone. All right. I think he is not aware of that. TJ, how long have you and Brendan been seeing each other romantically? Seven months. Whoa.

Seven months. I see. Very well. When did you first learn of his strong opinion on this matter? About two months ago was our very first fight. Oh, you had a fight over it? Oh, yeah. How did it come up?

Can you narrate the situation? Well, we're here. So it's still going. I see. So five months of bliss, two months of fighting. It sounds like you guys are ready to get married. I'm legally able to marry you, actually. What was the situation in which it first came up?

You guys are obviously reading fiction to one another. Right. And you came across a parenthetical statement and you're like, oh, this is beautiful. And you're like, this should not be. No, I gave Brandon a series of short stories that I had written to look at, which were really bad. And I admit that they were bad. Of your own?

Yeah. Oh. But they were. I was really prepared for criticism. And all he had. First of all, congratulations on turning 16. Second of all, I admire your bravery. And third of all, what is wrong with you?

Like, thank you for your short stories. I'm afraid I can't. I see already on page one that there is an open parenthesis. I fear if I read on, there will clearly be a closed parenthesis. And I cannot continue to see you. What happened when you read her short stories, Brendan? I was just distracted by the parentheses. What was this?

Do you remember, first of all, the name of the short story? Not particularly. I see. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you remember the theme of the short story or any of the characters' names or anything about the short story whatsoever, aside from the fact that it contained a dreaded parenthesis? No.

I see. And TJ, do you remember the name of the short story? I do. Would you share it with us, please? It was called Ghosts of People I Have Never Met. Ghosts of People, parentheses, I Have Never Met. Just like in one of those old compilation albums you used to buy off the television, right? Ghosts of People, I Have Never Met.

I never knew that was in the parentheses. And what was the theme of the short story? It was about the death of my grandmother. Easy, easy. Wait a minute. Order! Order in this court! Wait a minute, order! Order in this court! This is not a medieval trial by ordeal. I guarantee you we will drown him, don't worry about that. But not until I've had my say. And you used a parenthesis or an open and closed parenthesis in the story? Apparently several. I see. And it just took you out of the moment, did it?

Yes. Do you have anything that you would like to say in a more general sense in your defense? No, I think that's pretty much it. I see. And what is your order? What is your profession? I work in publishing. it. I see. And what is your ‑‑ order! What is your profession? I work in publishing. Oh, I see.

And what ‑‑ okay. You know I love snakes at these things. I love them. But please, keep the hissing to a minimum. And what is your profession, sir? Computer programmer. Computer programmer. Computer programmer. So you enjoy brackets.

Oh, yeah, brackets. That's what he calls them. Have you read a short story before? Or any fiction? One or two. It's interesting because I did a little bit of research before coming here and I discovered, actually, Brendan, that as categorically insane as your assertion is, you are not alone in making it.

There are many so-called instructional websites and blogs and people who want to tell you how to write fiction who will say that you should not use parentheses in fiction. And there is some precedent for this. There is the feeling that while it is perfectly acceptable in nonfiction, such as computer programs, I guess, that indeed the parentheses will take you out of the fiction and distract you from the moment. And therefore, apparently, according to websites, an em dash is preferred. That is all I'm going to say in your defense. TJ, will you hold my martini, please?

Yes. Thank you. TJ, will you hold my martini, please? I also came across this violation of copyright on Google Books. I wonder if either of you can recognize this first sentence of a famous novel of fiction. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita.

Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita.

Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita on the teeth. Lolita. Parenthetically, I'm a pervert who wants to have sex with a pervert.

Can you recognize, can you name the title of that novel? TJ, can you name the title of that novel? I think that's Lolita? By? Nabokov? Exactly, Nabokov. I think is what you meant to say. That's a very famous work of fiction, is it not? Now, that was a fictional use of parentheses

within that work of fiction, but do you not deny that it was effective? I guess I cannot. You cannot deny that, can you? Nor can you deny the 450 separate times that Nabokov uses actual parentheses within the novel Lolita, named one of the best books in the English language by Time Magazine. No more authoritative a language by Time Magazine. No more authoritative source than Time Magazine. Can you deny it, sir? No.

Including one of my very favorite lines in fiction, which includes, it so happens, which includes a parentheses in which the narrator, Humbert, parenthesis Humbert, says, my very photogenic mother died in a freak accident, parenthesis picnic, comma, lightning. Would that have been as effective if he had said my mother was struck by lightning at a picnic? Don't wait for the translation to answer the question. Possibly. I think I'm ready to make my judgment. Elna, would you interview the people while I go back to my chambers and come up with my judgment, please?

Just ask them how they're doing in the case and how they feel about their chances of winning the case. TJ, do you feel like it's going your way or not? What do you think? I feel smugly confident. Do you think it's because you've actually spoken more than Brendan? Yeah, yeah, I do. Brendan, I've noticed you're not saying much. Do you really want to win? John can probably hear you backstage. What do you think? I believe my argument stands for itself.

It seems like you're just stationary in that. Firmly resolute. Okay, all right. TJ, are you permanently resolute? Oh, no, I'm wa resolute. Okay. All right. T.J.? Are you permanently resolute? Oh, no, I'm wavering constantly. You're wavering constantly, even in this case? Not on this. Not on this.

All right. That's good to know. Hello. I've returned. Welcome, John Hodgman, Judge. You may be seated. Here I am prepared to make my judgment. You may be seated. Here I am prepared to make my judgment.

I think that you both know where this is going. I think you knew where it was going long before you arrived here. The reality is, sir, that your assertion is absurd. But your unwillingness to even defend it is strangely endearing. I was prepared to judge you rather harshly. But then I learned that you were a computer programmer. And it occurred to me that you may not know how humans act. You are unable to name the opening sentence of the novel Lolita, even though the opening

sentence of the novel Lolita is the word Lolita. And therefore it may simply be that you have not been exposed to fictional parentheses or true parentheses in fictional context in their full glory. T.J., you're a brave woman to be with this man. Who is clearly poorly socialized. As far as Brooklyn is concerned. And as I say, I was prepared to judge him harshly and encourage you both to part ways right here insofar as I am not only legally licensed to perform

marriages but also boyfriend-girlfriend breakups. In the neighborhood of Gowanus only. Pending in Park Slope. But as I say, I think that there is some common ground that you guys have to work on here. So technically I judge you wrong and you correct. However, however, using the wisdom of Solomon, stop hissing. I will also pass a sentence that will help you both. First of all, from now on, you do not share an abode, I trust. Good. First of all, do not share an abode.

For 12 months. Very well. Do you agree. Very well. Do you agree? Very well. Second of all, from now on you shall refer to parentheses as brackets at all times. This will ease him into it. Where was I on second of all?

Good. Thank you. Let's move on to Second of all? Good. Thank you. Let's move on to third of all. Third of all, you will read that book of short stories and you will do it tonight. And I look forward to a full book report. What? Nothing. That's all. And fourth of all, when you're done reading the book of short stories,

you will read Lolita by Nabokov aloud to your girlfriend. I agree with you. It is hot, isn't it? It's incredibly hot. You guys will be thanking me for this afterward when you next come on stage to describe what happened. Judge Hodgman rules.

This is the sound of a gavel. That is all. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is produced by Julia Smith and myself from MaximumFun.org. If you have a dispute for Judge John Hodgman, email it to us at Hodgman at MaximumFun.org and be sure to include both the nature of your dispute and your telephone number so we can call you. We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.