Judge John Hodgman - The Secret Room of Chambers

Episode Date: January 14, 2015

Judge Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse are rarin' to clear out the docket & follow up with the brothers from "Wake Me Up Before You Go, Bro"!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week we're in chambers clearing the docket. Hi, Judge Hodgman. We are so in chambers. We're in the inner chambers. We're in the secret room of chambers. We're in the 17th chamber. How many chambers are there? 17. Okay, good. Until I mine a new one. This is the inner, inner, most secret chamber of chambers. Do you remember when the Upright Citizens Brigade on their TV show lived in the chamber that turned out to be next door to the Wu-Tang Clan's chamber? And then one time one or the other of them was doing an addition and then the Wu-Tang Clan piled into the UCB set?

It was great. A neighboring chamber. Yeah. Oh, that was a fun show i'd like to be i'd like to be the wacky neighbor in the neighboring chamber in the wu-tang clan sitcom yeah that would be fantastic what are you guys doing over here anyway they probably got they probably got the killer bees to do that though i'm over here in the 18th chamber just trying to watch my stories. Just hanging out with these French Wu-Tang Clan affiliates. Dear Mr. Hodgman, I got a letter here dated December 18th. I opened it this year, though, because I'm slow.

University of California, Davis letterhead. Dear Mr. Hodgman, Dr. Mimi Vichute, I hope I'm pronouncing that right, from Pleasant Valley Veterinary Center, recently made a financial donation to the Companion Animal Memorial Fund in memory of Petey. That's my cat who died.

Isn't that nice? That's very nice. He didn't die so much as I made him dead with poison because he was very old and failing. Having shared much of my life with companion animals and having spent many years caring for those of other people, I wish to express my deepest sympathy to you for your loss. I can only imagine that this was forwarded to me by your offices out there in Los Angeles, a.k.a. Max Funland.

And it signed Michael S. Kent, Director. Signed, Michael S. Kent, Director. If I have questions about the program, I may feel free to check the Center's website at www.vetmed.ucdavis.edu forward slash ccah. And I buzz-market that for those out there who have companion animals of any kind. And I'm, well, not any kind, like not spouses, but you know, look, I don't want to say, I don't want to be animalist.

Look, you know, cats and dogs and birds and snakes and fish, not humans, not human animals that you, that you have married. And, uh, and,

and you're going to make them dead with poison or you have to, because they're going, are you going to euthanize them because they're very old or ill? It's a hard thing to do. And maybe this program can help you. The Fund supports studies into many different problems confronting small domestic animals, such as dogs, cats, birds, exotic pets, and others.

So look into it, everybody. Thanks, and thank you. You know, I actually got a really thoughtful UC Davis-related Christmas gift myself this year. Oh, yes? Yeah, my brother-in-law recently graduated from UC Davis with a degree in environmental sciences. Nice going. And Davis, as you probably know, is an agriculture school substantially, one of the better ag schools in California on the West Coast. It features, among other things, a noted cow with a hole in the side that you can reach

into and touch the contents of its stomach. A living cow? A living cow with a hole in the side of it that you can reach into the hole and touch what's inside the stomach so you can study how cows digest things. The many stomachs. Yeah. My friend Mary Roach has done this. She's put her arm through the side of a cow.

Julia has checked in to let us know that we've talked about this two times. I'm going to talk about it a third time. It's like one of the most important things in the world as far as I'm concerned. But anyway. I always thought that that cow was mythical. No, it's absolutely real of the most important things in the world as far as i'm concerned but anyway i always thought that that cow was mythical no it's absolutely absolutely real 100 i always thought that was something that grand that granddads told their grandsons about what they saw at the county fair once but it's a real thing it's a real cow at a real university it is abundantly real all too real some would argue um and but that's not what i got for christmas i had i gotten a cow with a hole in the side of it

it would have truly been a remarkable uh holiday gift but also kind of a burdensome one if i'm honest because once you've reached in that hole then what do you got to do you got to well you got to build yourself a little your own little feedlot yeah that's it that's a gift that's mainly a problem yeah so. So, um... Like it, by the way, like any snake, even whether or not it has a hole in it. But there is... Even if, no matter how great an idea it seems to fill up your spouse's stocking, Xmas stocking, with garter snakes, and it does make a lively writhing motion

the next question is what do i do with these snakes but i interrupted you go on so at the university of california at davis because it's uh substantially an ag school um they have their own uh meat and dairy processing facilities. Sure. And so my brother-in-law, his housemate, worked in the meat and cheese store on campus. And so I got a freezer box filled with UC Davis meats and cheeses, including some cheddar jalapeno bratwursts, some very nice hanger steaks.

Wait a minute. Does UC Davis have an appetizer department? Yes. Soup to nuts at UC Davis. Well, I've been in their soup to nuts program. It's hard. I failed out. Yeah.

At the end of the day, I mean, you're really just going to want to focus on soup or nuts. Yeah, I mean, it's an interesting question. A lot of people aspire to do both, but very few people can do both, soup and nuts at an expert level. I got some jalapeno jack cheese, some medium sharpness cheddar cheese, both of which were among the best I'd ever had. And you know what? I thought, being kind of snobby, I got the sausages and I thought, huh, jalapeno cheddar cheese sausages. Like, what is this, a gourmet sausage from 1982? Right.

But man, they are really good. Who's the jerk? This guy. Because they are really good, really tasty sausages. Well, let's just say that my mailbox has a sausage-shaped hole in it. Let's not say that. That seems inappropriate to say. That's not good.

Let's just say that like some cows in the world, my stomach has a hole in it, too. And it's and it's shaped like a gift box from UC Davis. This is my favorite. This is my favorite university of the West Coast at this point now, because not only do they not only do they have a top flight soup to nuts program, but also apparently a great thoughtful gifts major. Yeah, absolutely. It's absolutely a lovely school. I'm very grateful to my brother-in-law, Dan, and all UC Davis Aggies for creating the wonderful comestibles that I've been enjoying the past few weeks. I'd like to go for it. Do they have like a washed lettuces seminar?

They probably do. Sure. You know what? I feel like you don't even need, it doesn't even need to be a degree program. I mean, you could just go and audit a few courses. A summer program for adult continuing education. Yeah, I'd love to. I took my fair share of San Francisco State University continuing education classes when I still lived back in San Francisco.

It was a very enjoyable thing to do. And certainly I would have loved if it had involved meats and cheeses more. I took my unfair share of them. Sorry, it's all closed. John Hodgman took all the classes. Here's a question from Elise. About 14 years ago, my parents gave me a drawing table as a high school graduation present. My mom tells me they bought it on sale for $160. It was a wonderful gift. I used it daily that summer and all subsequent summer and winter breaks. In 2005,

I graduated from college and moved into a very small studio apartment. I left the table in the basement at my parents' house. I moved to Colorado in 2013, presumably from someplace other than Colorado. Sure. And the next year, my parents retired and moved to a small town near me. A little creepy. Yeah. Parents are stalking.

They brought a few small items of mine and two larger items, my drawing table and a unicycle. Oh, boy. I didn't have room for the table. No mention of the unicycle. Yeah. So I told an artist friend she could use it until I did. She was thrilled, and I told my parents the plan. However, when my parents made the move, they installed the drawing table as a computer desk in their house and refused to return it until I will be the one using it.

I don't want to go back on a promise to a friend. My dad insists that since he's stored the table all this time, he now has rights to it. Judge John Hodgman, please help please help oh retired dads come on stop stop stop being weird retired dads stop claiming rights to drawing tables stop following your children to colorado and then refusing refusing to let go of their stuff what i because retired dads are so weird and i say this knowing that i will i hope will become one eventually and plan to be the weirdest of them all i have confidence that i really hope that this retired dad is so weird that he has kept a recording or at least a transcript of the conversation he had with retired mom over whether or not to bring the unicycle like the two things you could bring drawing table and unicycle like that's so

wonderfully random and bizarre i guess she's probably going to need this unicycle we should bring it with her to colorado should we tell her we're moving next door to her don't worry we'll surprise her by throwing this unicycle onto her porch and refusing to relinquish her drawing table. Your parents are weird, Elise, but I can't say that they are wrong. The fact is that if you wanted the table back, it sounds like your mom and dad would be happy to let you have the table back. But they don't want you to just give it away to some dumb friend that they don't even know. And from a parental point of view, I can feel them. They are feeling sad that you are a grown-up now. And they are expressing their anger at mortality by using your possessions as their own computer desks.

And if you were to take a gift that you've already abandoned once, I know that you moved into a smaller place, but try to be empathetic here. They gave you this table. You used it. Then you left them. They've sat around looking at that table, empty, undrawn upon for years, realizing we have to move on with our lives. Maybe I'll learn how to use a computer. Let me buy this 9VHS cassette tape informational course on how to use computers that was made in 1998 at a yard sale and watch it and get a computer. What am I going to use for the table? I guess I'll use this old drawing table

and start to make a new start with my life. I know, let's try to move to Colorado as well so that we can be near our daughter who no longer wants to see or talk to us anymore. And then you call them and they're so happy. You call them and the phone rings on that table where your mom or your dad is now learning how to use electronic bay auction

service to get rid of some old spoons or whatever. I'm so happy to hear from you. And you say to them, yeah, mom and dad, I need that drawing table back so I can give it to someone you've never met. Do you have

old spoons burning a hole through your pocket? Try www.ebay.com, the world's premier old spoon dispensary. Worried that you don't know how to use www.ebay.com? Don't worry. Buy Judge John Hodgman's 9VHS tape instructional course on how to use electronic bay. So you understand the context in which your dad is weird and out here saying, I don't want to give you this table so you can give it to some rando. So I have this advice to you. Relax. Let your friend, an artist friend. Let your artist friend dangle.

She's got her own problems, or he does. But what if it's a boy? This is a potential spouse. Added wrinkles. This thing costs $160. Let your artist friend make their own way in the world.

Let your dad use his computer table, or better yet, take your artist's table back and buy him a computer table to be nice. And then draw things on that and make him feel good. Draw a thank you note. Draw a thank you note that says, I love you, daddy. And then your father will weep and weep and weep with joy and happiness. And he'll stop throwing unicycles onto your porch. Give your friend the unicycle. That's what artists really want.

To be interesting. And unicycling is one way that uninteresting people become interesting. Oh, I just commented on your life, Elise. In any case, yeah, parental gifts cannot be loaned out to artist friends. Sorry. I take parental prerogative there. And I hope you're all crying now, people who have parents and are nicer to them than you usually are. I forgot to call my dad on his birthday. That's why I'm talking this way. My dad's birthday was on Monday and I forgot to call So I'm a monster Moving on You know I attended the University of California

At Santa Cruz which is a hotbed Of unicyclery And If you think that People who ride unicycles are Doing it to make themselves seem interesting Think about the people Who learned to ride a unicycle decided

that was insufficiently interesting then decided to upgrade to mountain unicycle which is where you unicycle with fat knobby tires on a trail tires yeah have you seen those beach bicycles oh the ones with the giant balloon tires? Yeah. Why isn't there a unicycle version of that? That's a really good question. It would be perfect for Santa Cruz. So that would instantly become the official mode of conveyance of Santa Cruz, should it come to exist.

There's got to be a way to make a double-ended unicycle not a bicycle but you understand what i'm saying a wheel on both ends and you somehow sit in the middle and you've got one street street legal wheel and then you've got one beach wheel and then you'd be the most interesting person in the world like there's a lever that switches between which which wheel is in action you just flip it over and you're in a little oh top and bottom the wheels are yeah i don't know how it would work exactly well the seat swivels around it's on like a fork and it swivels around to the top i i look i look forward to any listener to this podcast who wants to invent something,

this has become one of those like reality invention shows. If you can, if you can drew a drawing of how this would work, it has to be able to work. If you can do a drawing that is patent ready, I will pay whatever, whatever it costs to get that patent filed. There's gotta be some nominal fee,

right? 50 bucks. If it's more than 50 bucks, forget it. My mom's first husband is a patent attorney who filed the patent for the football upright with only one stake that goes into the ground. The Y-shaped one rather than the H-shaped one. Oh, okay. Very successful. Yeah.

I say we hire him. Yeah, but I can't do the drawings. You know what I mean? I'm not a lease with a drawing table. Right. No, somebody will do the drawings. All you have to do is the model. Oh, I'm good with, like, I got some Sculpey.

You mean I do a modeling clay version of it? Exactly. And then you have to describe every part of it in only one sentence, if I remember correctly. Can I make the model out of Playmobil parts? Oh, I insist that you make it out of Playmobil parts. What else would you make it out of? I got a lot of those since my children don't use them anymore and I'm dying. Hey, speaking of things that listeners could write into us with. Yeah.

Speaking of things that listeners could write into us with. Yeah. Did you listen to Isothermal's remix or, I don't know, first mix of Judge John Hodgman's Super Podcast? I did. Isn't it glorious? It sounded great. Should we listen to it now or at the end of this episode? We'll listen to it at the end.

That's a tease. Yeah, that's a tease yeah that's a tease we'll listen to judge john hodgman's super podcast theme uh piehole bootleg by isothermal at the end of the show uh let's clear another case off the docket here's something from chris you got it i'm a brit and get out and my people wrong jurisdiction and my people love to queue yeah he may be in the united states you also loved you also love to use different words that's true it seems to provide many people with a reason to get up in the morning i think it's often dumb and irresponsible irresponsible wait a minute wait yeah i know what first of all those who don't know what we're talking about. Q, spelled Q-U-E-U-E, just like it sounds, means to line up, to stand in line to receive national health care or something.

Back when they had it in Britain. Q means to line up. For those of you who are Canadian, it means to join a lineup. Is that true? Yeah. They call a line a lineup. It's a lineup, huh? Interesting.

So many interesting differences. Okay. So anyway, this is what Chris has to say for himself. He thinks... But wait a minute. What about it is irresponsible? Presumably we're going to get there because... All right.

Yeah. He's really started off on the wrong foot with me anyway. I think you mean the wrong Lori. So I'm writing to you today to ask if I'm wrong about merging while driving. I found that if a road will merge two lanes, most drivers will merge as soon as possible, leaving the merging lane empty for a reasonable distance before the merge is actually required. This seems like wasted space and poor road usage. For example, there are roadworks near my office right now where traffic merges too early and pushes the cars into a lineup that blocks...

Oh, he's Canadian now! ...that blocks junctions and queues over traffic lights. Decide where you're from! G'day, mate. Should I be doing my bit for queen and country is this guy trying to be some kind of weird self-parody did he yeah i don't know that this guy did he write this write in a thing first and then like this needs a little sprucing up how do i brit it up a little bit i'm not sure he's from britain yeah i think he. I think he's a collegiate Monty Python fan.

I feel like his version of Britishness, as evidenced in the text of this question, is roughly equivalent to Dick Van Dyke's Cockney accent in Mary Poppins. Indeed. He doth protest too much. Should I be doing my bit for queen and country and joining these queues as soon as possible? Oh, Mary Poppins, I should. Oh, doing a Dick Van Dyke voice is so fun. Okay. Should I join the queues as soon as possible so as not to annoy anyone? Or should I use the roads that God, or rather the local councils and highway agency, put there?

Just because almost everyone does this doesn't mean I should copy them, right? Glad you slipped in a reference to a council. Yeah. How come you couldn't figure in council flats? Right? Because you're watching Doctor Who, you hear these things. They, you know, they make you sound English. non-British collegiate Monty Python fan, who I'm sure lives in Minnesota and has never been in Britain in his life. you are indeed correct. Well, correct in saying that this is stupid. If you are merging

and two lanes of traffic have to merge to one, it is a long-held belief, and I believe we've discussed this on the podcast before, but I'm going to mention it again because I've done a little bit more research. It's a long-held belief that good people merge over to the active lane immediately and only bad kids stay in the lane that's going to be eliminated to zoom ahead

of the others because they think they are better than everyone else well the reality is that from a functional point of view traffic wise no one is better than anyone else. You're all terrible. And everyone should be using every available piece of road in order to get to the merge point and then proceed to late merge, as it's called, or zipper merge. That is, everyone goes to the end of the two lanes, and then they take turns going through into the single lane that is being merged into. I hope that I painted an appropriate word picture there so you know what I'm talking about. I first read about this in a book called Traffic. We've, I think, discussed it on the podcast

before. And you, fake British person who lives in Minnesota, should certainly know about it, because this is now the official policy of the Department of Transportation of Minnesota. And this is where I did my research and learned that this reduces congestion at merges, backups, it reduces backups by 40 to 50 percent for everyone to use all available road. And there's a big public campaign which i think amounts to publishing a pdf on the web the department of minnesota department transportation minnesota is using to educate people to say no no no no don't don't everybody move over all at once except for the bad kids spread it around there should go Everyone use both lanes and hate each other for different reasons.

And if indeed you actually live in England and truly are a Brit, which I find highly suspect at this point, given the amount of cliches you've larded into your posting, you would have an extra reason to do this because you will learn what it is like to drive on the right-hand side of the road. And that's exciting, right? It would be exciting for you to see what that's like. Don't do it if it's not legal, though. I mean, if you really are in England, go to your council... go to your council flat lodge, queue up in order to write a query down on a piece of foolscap saying, is it legal for me to do this or not, sir?

May I have some more? And then take a lorry to your next available Stonehenge. I don't know. I don't know what the procedure is over there. Find out if it's legal. But it is certainly, it's not merely legal in Minnesota. It is preferred, and I believe that it is going to become more and more preferred because it actually helps traffic move along. I know we had a whole conversation about how great that book Traffic is.

It's such a great book. Tom Vanderbilt is the author. Traffic, Why We Drive the Way We Do, and What It Says About Us. Yeah, great book. Yeah, really enjoyable book. Now, if that book, that book has to be available as an audio book, right? So people can listen to it in traffic. One would hope. Little applied learning. If it isn't, there is no justice in the world. And we know there's justice in the world because you're here, John.

Thank you. Here's something from Sarah. I make dinner every night for my husband and our children. Most nights, the kids and I eat dinner at around 6.30 or 7. My husband will eat when he gets home from work, usually at 8.30 p.m. or later. I set his dinner aside for him every night. When he gets home, he eats it, but he insists on calling it leftovers. As in, I'm hungry.

I guess I'll eat the leftovers. I maintain that what he's eating cannot accurately be described as leftovers, as leftovers are what is left over from a meal after everyone has had their fill. Leftovers are a happy accident. The meal my husband enjoys each night was intentionally made for him. It is his dinner. I seek an injunction to make him stop calling the meal I prepared for him his leftovers. an injunction to make him stop calling the meal I prepared for him his leftovers.

Now, this was one that I was considering hearing in person between husband and wife on a regular episode of the podcast, but I decided I didn't want to because I didn't want to hear this monster's voice. This husband who comes home at 8 8 30 at night after his wife has prepared meals for his children and fed them and he comes home and he goes and gives up the leftovers what is it you want dude you want her dressed up as betty draper serving you a cocktail and a hot plate of meatloaf at a TV tray with a glass of Schaefer beer? By the way, I just buzz marketed Schaefer beer. And if they want to sponsor the podcast, that's fine. I like Schaefer. I like Schaefer because their logo or rather their slogan has always been Schaefer's the

one when you're having more than one. It's for the intemperate drinker which is a great slogan because it it hides it hides nothing regarding the quality of the product and it rhymes one with the word one same word and it used to be made in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Now, so anyway, yeah, you should, Sarah's definition of what leftovers are could not be more accurate or succinct and forgiving of you, you terrible man. Don't refer to a meal that has been prepared for you and left for you because you can't get it together or work too hard or have obligations to come and eat dinner with your family as leftovers. It's demeaning to your wife, to the food, to the plate, to any pets you have, and your children. Be nice. Here's something from Alex. My friend Logan and I frequently play in an online video game.

It's an action game with role-playing game elements. In the game, players have the option to start a hardcore character, which, when the character is killed in the game, is deleted permanently and must be started over from the very beginning. Non-hardcore characters. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts

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Are simply teleported a short distance away and are docked gold for their poor life choices. Oh, they are. Oh, they they are charged gold. Yeah, they accrue gold coins. And when they respond, theyawn, they lose some money. Well, one presumes it's coins. In the virtual world. It could be bars.

Bars. Could be bars or jewelries. Yeah. Certainly could be jewelry. I mean, it could be some kind of foil or wiring. That's true. Leaf. Could be gold leaf.

I would like to play an online video game where you accrue gold leaf. It's a game where you start out as a fresco artist. And you eventually become a skilled leafsman. I would like to play an online video game where you break into and and steal the copper wiring and pipes out of the homes copper thief oh you know jesse i may have told you once before about inus and yolanda who were my great aunts they have both since passed away my grandmother's two sisters who lived across the street from her in fitchburg, Massachusetts, together alone in a house. One of them was a widow, the other never married. And they collected figurines and cats in a way that

really made Grey Gardens really resonate for me. When I finally saw it, I loved them, Ines and Yolanda. And Ines and Yolanda and Ines and Yolanda. Ines in particular became convinced that someone had stolen all the pipes out of the basement and replaced them with exact replicas that weren't as valuable. And she would tell my dad this and he'd have to go and look and go, no, I think they're the same pipes. She's like, nope, they're different. I know. And I realized someday I'm going to be my great aunt Ines and I cannot wait. Oh, anyway, was it, we're still talking about these kids, dumb video game. Let's move on.

No, I mean, let's continue, continue the case. Logan staunchly insists on playing as a hardcore character is what I understand. Yes. Continue the case. Logan staunchly insists on playing as a hardcore character is what I understand. Yes. So he thinks that the risk involved in death adds meaning to the game that otherwise would be missing. And it also forces players to play more carefully. I believe that playing a hardcore character is just a chore that forces you to replay large sections of the game. It does not add any entertainment value.

To compound the issue, hardcore and non-hardcore characters cannot be played together. That means Logan and I don't end up playing together very often. I think the point here is to actually play the game and have fun with your friends. So to that end, I seek in order to compel Logan to do two things. One, shut his

pie hole about... Oh, wow. You're just going to go ahead and use my catchphrase, huh, guy? Appropriation. Well, you, wow. You're just going to go ahead and use my catchphrase, huh, guy? Appropriation. Well, you know what? You didn't draw it out and then build a model of it and describe it in one phrase and have it patented. That's a really good point. That's how that vodka got on board.

I wouldn't mind seeing technical drawings of a pie hole shutter that we could also patent along with the double ended unicycle. Speaking of things that should sponsor this show, where is the sponsorship from Piehole Vodka? Is there such a thing?

Yes, there is such a thing, and they're not presently sponsors of this program. Just write them a letter, America. They're on the moxie list. What are you guys thinking? Let me tell you who's going to come through for us. I have a feeling. Who's that?

And even if they don't, I bear them no ill will. I did a secret show for the holidays at a Masonic Lodge. And we asked the great American snack company, Utz, if they might throw us a couple of bags of chips. And they threw us hundreds of bags of chips. Now, I like Utz, family-owned company in Pennsylvania, servicing the mid-Atlantic area, very popular, particularly in Baltimore and to some degree in Philadelphia. Utz, they make the crab chip. They make grandma Utz, which is fried in lard. They make these pretzels, the specials, right? But the best ones are the special darks. Oh boy, those pretzels are good. Like Utz, I like it a lot. Last ones to make real cheese balls after planters gave it up under pressure from the anti-cheese ball coalition.

Utz did me a real solid, and I honestly love their products. I love their logo. I love that Utz girl. I love taking the train into Baltimore and seeing that ad where Natty Bo, the National Bohemian Beer mascot, is proposing to the Utz girl on a billboard that advertising a local jewelry shop. Love it. I love and I've never had a drink of Natty Bo, but you can sponsor us too if you want. You will now owe us a sponsorship utz you owe us utz that's their new motto utz colon we owe hodgman we owe we did the hodgman a favor and now we're paying for it

we did Hodgman a favor and now we're paying for it okay so the question is should this guy's friend be compelled not to be a hardcore character and also should he be compelled to be quiet about

how much harder it is and more significant and important to play a hardcore character. How much harder and corer it is to be hardcore. You got it. So they can't play, so he can't play softcore and hardcore together. It's got to be they're both hardcore or they're both softcore. Exactly. Oh, boy.

What fun it must be to be children who have nothing but time on their hands to play online action games with RPG elements. And not merely that, but then to fight over the hardness of the core over which they will play the game together. Don't you kids understand what's going on in this world? People are stealing pipes out of old people's homes and replacing them with exact replicas, and you want to argue about video games? Less valuable exact replicas. Less valuable exact replicas, yeah. But out of respect for your hobby,

I will weigh in on this. Your friend's a creep. Anyone who says that you got to play this game more hardcore is maybe someone you don't want to play a game with. And I don't care whether that's an online action game with RPG elements or Monopoly. Anyone who's like, no, you don't play this hardcore enough. You don't play Scrabble hardcore enough because you're using the wrong dictionary. Like, you know what? It's a game. It's a game. Now, it may be it's reasonable for your friend to feel that it's more fun for him to play it hardcore.

Guess what? If it's online, I am imagining that it is a massive multiplayer online action-oriented RPG, right? Go play with some other hardcore creeps. Let Softcore play with all the bronies and they can hang out together and make rainbows with their weapons or whatever. Point is, Alex, go tell your friend, you know what? If you want to play hardcore, that's fine. I'm going to play a different game. And remind him what it means to have friends IRL.

So, Judge Hodgman, I thought we could end on a sort of a pleasant note. We had a lot of requests to follow up with the litigants from the case Wake Me Up Before You Go, Bro. Do you remember this one? Of course, Taron and Declan, the brothers, one of whom wouldn't ever wake up even if he tied an incredibly loud alarm clock to his head. Exactly. So Declan was the little brother. He was basically being human alarm clock for Taron, the older brother. Taron was going away to college and he was going to have to rely on a real alarm clock to wake him up. And so now Taryn has finished his first semester at college. He's home for winter break and we have them on the telephone with us. Declan, Taryn, how are you guys doing? We're doing pretty good.

How are you? Doing very well. What's up, bros? Not much. That's the only situation in which I would say that, because you are actually bros. Yeah. Yes, bros. Bros to each other.

So, Taryn, older brother, say, my name is Taryn, so everyone can follow along. My name is Taryn. And younger brother, Declan, say your name. My name is Declan. All right. Taryn. And younger brother Declan, say your name. My name is Declan. Alright, so Taryn, you are back from college for a semester. Yes, I am.

And you're still on your winter break. Yep, until for like another two weeks. I have a long break. Now, where were you going to college again? Was it Emerson? Yeah. That's right, in Boston, Massachusetts. Uh-huh. How have you been enjoying it in Boston? I love it. I love where it's right. In Boston, Massachusetts. How have you been enjoying it in Boston? I love it. I love where it's right on the common.

So it's really right in the middle of everything. So nothing's too far. So I really have access to everything the city has to offer. Now, do you ever take a walk down Newbury Street? No, but I do take lots of walks around the common and the garden at night. I like the danger. Where did you go in Brookline? I only went as far, I didn't pay attention because I was just really craving Indian food and the cheapest Indian place was in Brookline.

Oh, where was it? really craving Indian food and the cheapest Indian place was in Brooklyn. Oh, where was it? I could find it again, but I don't know where in Brooklyn it was. Yeah. I don't know where there is to get good Indian food, but since I've been returning to Brookline as an adult, there's some things there that have not, that were not there when I was a kid, including Michael's on Harvard Street, which makes the best pastrami in the Boston area. And you should go there. Do you like pastrami?

I love pastrami. There you go. And you should go to the Coolidge Corner Movie House, now called Coolidge Corner Theater, and see a movie. house now called we'll join a theater and see a movie and enjoy uh the neon art that was done by harry friedman the once and maybe still projectionist there and my friend so there you go that's those are my tips for when you go back for spring uh semester but now you're back at home where's home again atlanta atlanta georgia right that atlanta all right yes the big atlanta and Atlanta. Atlanta, Georgia. Right. That Atlanta. All right. Yes. The big Atlanta. And how did the waking up go while you were away? Great. I have the I got another sonic bomb. I've only overslept twice. I missed two classes the

entire semester, which I think is pretty good. That's about what my roommate missed, too. I got probably the only other person in the world who can sleep through that as my roommate. So we both overslept that day. Why did you oversleep? I think, well, I woke up both times with my alarm clock next to my head, like on the bed with me. So I think I angrily smashed it or just unplugged it while I was sleeping. Oh, so in your sleep, you grabbed it and strangled it to death?

Yeah. So two days out of however many days in the semester, that's pretty good. Yeah, I'd say so. If you are, what are what are you 19 18 years old uh yeah i turned 19 in december so right so you are you are appropriately for your age developmentally inclined to sleep until 3 p.m in the afternoon anyway given that you stopped yourself from doing that most times it's a pretty good uh pretty good record wouldn't you say

declan yes i would i'm impressed how have things been back in atlanta have you been pining for That's a pretty good record, wouldn't you say, Declan? Yes, I would. I'm impressed. How have things been back in Atlanta? Have you been pining for your bro? Are you talking to me or to Declan? Sorry, Declan. Yes, I miss Taron a lot, but I also am working on being me here without him. If I remember correctly, you are secretly an only child

even though you have an older brother. You have many hobbies. You are a gastronome. You are a chef. He's been making pastries. I think you've been working on you for quite a while. Tell me about it. What culinary delights have you whipped up in the absence of Taron?

In the absence of Taron? Oh, well, in the absence of him? Yeah. I've made a couple different, like, breads and such. But while he was here, I made a sfogliatelle, which is, you know. A what? A sfogliatelle. You built a hotel? It's like, it means little leaf in Italian.

It's a pastry filled with like ricotta. Oh, cannoli. No, it's not. It's called a cannoli. It looks like a leaf. It's not a cannoli. It looks like a croissant. It looks like a croissant that is like coming apart.

It's weird. It's delicious though. It was good. He made it really well. A+. Oh, listen to Joe College over there. Everything's grades now. Letter grades. What are you studying again up there at Emerson?

Writing for film and television. All right. And have you completed your screenplay yet? No, I haven't started it. Can I suggest an action movie starring me? Completed your screenplay yet? No, I haven't started it. Can I suggest an action movie starring me? All right.

You can stop right there. Yeah. No, no. I've already done some action sequences for Eugene Merman. You can look it up online. If you look up Eugene Merman, John Hodgman, punching a man in face with brick. If you look that up, you'll see. So I'm already working on my action movie. But another action movie, which can star me if you wish,

I'll attach myself to it, but in which I don't have a cool car or anything. I just have a double-ended unicycle. Not a bicycle, but a unicycle that has one wheel at each end, and I can flip it over for different terrain. And the ends are the top and bottom ends, not the back ends. Yeah, the top and the bottom. Yeah, exactly.

Right. Yeah. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, I'm trying to picture that. Yeah. Could work. It's definitely going to work, and it's going to make you a lot of money, and it's going to make me a lot of money.

Just remember, have Hodgman rescue the cat rescue the cat that's the secret yeah that's what it's called rescue the cat and and uh and declan what your your waking up was never an issue there in atlanta right you always woke up with the dawn yeah he wakes up at like 4 30 yeah did your tai chi started starting stoking some mizuki beans for for a little project for later or whatever oh wait i did i remember wait wait i made mandu kimchi dumplings while he was gone which i hadn't done before i made the the shells and everything. I forgot about that. Did you make the kimchi? Yeah. No, not the kimchi. Sorry.

I'm sorry. I didn't make the kimchi. You know what? I didn't. Declan, you cannot come on the podcast again until you have fermented your own kimchi. And that's going to be how you're going to... I'm just passing out livelihoods,

you guys. Declan, you're going to make your own kimchi. Declan's southern style lip-smacking Atlanta only child kimchi. You have to know that the entire Brooklyn economy right now is being supported by people who aren't Korean but are making kimchi.

I'm just thinking of Southern-style kimchi being smothered in pimento cheese, and it's disgusting. Oh, hey, Declan, do you make pimento cheese? No. No. Not with a 10-foot pole. You don't care? I like pimento cheese. Yeah, Declan, explain to't care? I like pimento cheese.

Yeah. Declan, explain to the people at home what pimento cheese is. Pimentos are like little pieces of pickled red pepper or bell pepper. And they're mixed in with different types of shredded cheese, and there's usually like a little cream cheese in there. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And some mayonnaise, too. It's a cheese salad.

So, but everything has worked out since you have followed my orders to the letter. What were my orders again? I don't remember. He's not supposed to. Let's just say they worked. He wasn't supposed to have an alarm clock again. Was the orders. He wasn't supposed to have an alarm clock again?

No, you ordered us to break it. It worked. Let's just say it worked because everything's happy and fun. Yay. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Okay. My reaction is like, okay, okay, don't make loud noise. I'm embarrassed that I don't remember the order.

Declan, what was the order? I'm pretty sure that it was just I wasn't supposed to – I'm not supposed to try to wake him up even if he asked me to. Right. Also, he didn't – you wanted us to smash the alarm clock. Oh, yeah. That was only for my amusement. Yeah. I remember that.

Now, if you go back, people who are listening, you can go back. Which episode was this, guys? 165. Wake me up before you go, bro. Oh, okay. Had that one in the chamber. I didn't realize that I was talking to the Judge John Hodgman amateur indexer. Maximumfun.org, you can search for

Judge John Hodgman verdict number 165, wake me up before you go, bro, and you can re-familiarize yourself with this case and my order, and maybe we all got it right or wrong, but you will also get to see a video of this horrible, horrible alarm clock called the sound bomb or whatever, that when I watched it in the, during the podcast, it actually scared me. And I screamed a little, uh, I almost, it was, it was almost like when Taryn clapped just then I was like, ah, stop it. And then, so I ordered them to smash it. And I also ordered taryn to start waking up on his own and

declan to stop enabling taryn and so that he could get ready to go to college and be a fully functioning uh if if somewhat uh lethargic uh appropriately lethargic uh older teenager and so he is declan how old are you uh 15 15 where are you going to go to college? A college. I don't know. I'm in ninth grade. I don't know. It's early.

Come on. It's early to know. You wouldn't be a secret only child if you didn't have some idea. I really liked Wesleyan when Taryn went there and Hampshire. I like those. Do they even have cheese and bratwurst programs at those colleges? I doubt it. They have yet. At Hampshire, you can major in whatever you want.

You just make it up. Yeah. Like I think Eugene Merman did, if I remember correctly. Didn't he do stand-up comedy? Yeah, he majored in stand-up comedy. Well, of course, where you choose to go to college doesn't matter at all, especially if you go to Hampshire. But what matters most is that you engage with your passion and do work that is meaningful to you.

So I wish you the best of luck, Declan, in making your pastries and in making your dumplings. And in making that Declan's own Atlanta-style Southern Only Child kimchi. You make the kimchi, we'll make the t-shirt. And you'll make kimchi money and we'll make t-shirt money and that's fair taryn you have your order you have your orders from me to to to write an action screenplay involving an action star who has a double-ended unicycle and on the top and the bottom right only only one wheel makes contact with the road at a time. Yeah, that's why it's a unicycle and not a bicycle.

You understand what I mean? It's a unicycle with a spare tire. Yeah, exactly. You got it. But it's for different terrains. Do you know what I mean? Right. Right, okay. One of them is like a tank tread tire.

I guess Michael's Deli in Brookline has actually been there since 1977. Although I just, in Coolidge Corner, I just never went there. I order you to go there and have a pastrami sandwich and sneak it into the Coolidge Corner movie theater. And when they say, you can't bring a pastrami sandwich in here to watch the movie, you just say, John Hodgman told me to and he used to work here.

So suck it. And then you'll be kicked out. And then, and that'll teach you something. I have a feeling. Great talking to both of you guys. Go on with your and and get back to me when you've fermented some kimchi all right all right sounds good yeah good luck guys all right thanks thank you you know my father my father's father worked in the theater business he worked worked for Fox Theaters here in Southern California. And he eventually achieved a high enough ranking in the company

that upon his retirement, he was presented with a permanent golden ticket for Fox Theaters that applied to him and his family. Ooh. Did he sing, I've got a golden ticket during the movie? He was not a singer.

Okay. But I inherited this golden ticket when my grandfather passed away. And because I was the only member of the family then living in Southern California. And I went to the theater with the golden ticket. And not only did they not let me in, Fox theaters are now, I believe, Lowe's theaters, if I'm remembering correctly. Not only did they not let me in, but the person at the counter pulled out a binder. And in this binder, it was sort of like a baseball card binder, only in it, instead of baseball cards, it was sort of a scrapbook of golden tickets that they do not accept.

Well, does this come up so often that you've put together a collection of all of the indefinite promises that you no longer honor? Was the scrapbook of golden, like, was it a scrapbook of golden tickets that were like an example of every golden ticket they had issued so they could compare your golden ticket and say, nope, we don't accept it anymore? Or was it every time a child came in with one of these old things, they would go, I'll be taking that, and I'll keep it in my book of anger? No, what it was was... It was a spite book, right? It was a spite book of reclaimed tickets. I can only imagine that they reclaimed them after refusing people entrance into the movie theater, because apparently when your company changes names, you forfeit all responsibility to honor past employees of the company and their families. No.

And instead you inherit an obligation apparently to dishonor them by embarrassing their children. There was literally like 30 different gold – like who could imagine that there even was 30 different ones but just on hand they had this binder with paste and this these tickets they're metal these are like they weren't real gold obviously oh i thought they were real gold i was gonna say but they're a hunk of metal and yeah they they like looked through it they found the one that was exactly the same in design as mine and pointed to it as though that explained everything. Sorry, sir. This is in the FU binder. Yeah, they docked you gold because you weren't playing hardcore.

Well, I'm weaving it all back together and putting it into a cow's stomach. And I think that wraps it up. Hey, we'll see everybody at SF Sketch Fest. Judge John Hodman by this point is probably completely sold out i mean it was fast approaching sold out uh uh last i checked uh i will say i will be performing the day after our judge john hodgman show in the afternoon at cobb's comedy club uh that's february 7th uh we will have the great Irish comedian. Yeah, so I hope we'll see everybody there. Oh, I love that Cobb's comedy, and I love SF Sketch Fest.

If any of you want to come and see other great things, you should. What's the website again, Jesse? Sfsketchfest.com. It's a wonderful, wonderful festival of comedy in North America, in the Bay Area of North America. And that, as far as I know, is all. Is that correct, Jesse? You're absolutely correct.

Our producer is Julia Smith, editor Mark McConville. Oh, guess what? We've got one thing to take us out. Featuring the Sterling vocals performed without any pitch originally intended by myself and the great Judge John Hodgman. It's Judge John Hodgman Super Podcast. Chambers are closed.

Judge John Hodgman Super Podcast Judge John Hodgman Super Podcast Judge John Hodgman Super Podcast Judge John Hodgman Super Podcast Super Podcast Super Podcast

Judge John Hodgman Super Podcast Judge John Hodgman Super Podcast Judge John Hodgman. Super Podcast. Judge John Hodgman. Super Podcast. Judge John Hodgman. Super Podcast.