Judge John Hodgman - The Stick Shift Rift

Episode Date: March 21, 2012

Is not knowing how to drive a manual transmission in this day and age A CRIME? That's the question for Cosmo and Jen, a married couple who own a manual and an automatic car, respectively.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week on the show, the stick shift rift. Cosmo brings the case against his wife, Jen. They have a two-car household. Cosmo's car is newer and more reliable. Jen's car is older and sometimes needs repair. Cosmo says he'd be happy to let his wife drive his car when hers is in the shop. He could just go to work on his motorcycle. But there's a catch. She doesn't drive a manual transmission, and she refuses to learn. Jen says she's tried learning manual, and she just doesn't think it would be safe for her to drive stick with her infant in the car. Why don't they just buy a more reliable car and solve the problem that way? Should Jen learn to drive manual and stick it out with her old car? Or

should the family buy her something new? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Well, this car is automatic. It's systematic. It's hydromatic. Why, it's greased Hodgman. You may swear them in. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever?

We do. Or I do. Cosmo? Yes. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that he travels exclusively by means of lighter-than-air airship? Yes. Yes.

Very well. Judge Hodgman? A lighter-than-air airship with a manual transmission, by the way. Oh, no. Now, I'm not going to ask you guys to identify the quote because that's obvious. It is from Greece. Right. Greece. Jen.

Yes. You do not drive a manual transmission car. No, I do not. Okay. And Cosmo. Yes. You do not drive a manual transmission car? No, I do not. Okay, and Cosmo? Yes. If that is your name, you do drive a manual transmission car? I do. All right.

What kind of car do you have, Cosmo? I have a 2005 Honda Civic. With a manual transmission? Okay. Seems like a safe, reliable car. What color is it? I'm going to call it gunmetal gray. And does it have sirens?

It does not. Is that a... Unless you've got a baby. Oh, that's a baby siren. Do you need to go take care of your baby? No, he's here. He just wants to make a lot of noise. I see. Normally we don't have babies in the courtroom, but this is at issue, is it not, Jen? It is. Is it not the case that you do not want to drive a manual transmission car because of babies somehow?

That is correct. Okay, explain your position. It's not safe. I've tried to learn how to drive it. I get really bad anxiety. It makes me way too nervous. really bad anxiety. It makes me way too nervous. And I'm just scared that I would stall in the middle of an intersection or I wouldn't be able to stop and I'd hit a car. And I'm just looking out for the safety of our little baby. Of course, that is the fear that everyone has when they are learning to drive a manual transmission car. Exactly. Having a manual transmission car does not mean the brakes do not work, however. In fact, I would say your bigger fear and more reasonable of your two fears is that you would stop when you wanted to go rather than going when you wanted to stop. There you go.

Because getting a manual transmission car to go at all is much harder than in an automatic transmission car. I've noticed. Now, your automatic transmission car is a what kind of car? It's a 95 Honda Civic. Oh, they're both Civics. They are. Did I remember that correctly? Yes, they both are. And this is a 95. So it's an older car. It is. Do you have difficulty with it? No, I love my car. It just happens to break down quite frequently and get stolen quite frequently. Stolen? And get broken into.

Stolen quite frequently? Yeah. How often has it been stolen? Just once, but it's been broken into about three times. Okay, once is not quite frequently. Yeah. But it's been broken into lots of times? It has.

What are they taking out of this car? Everything that's in there. My stereo's been stolen a couple times. Had some sunglasses. All of my CDs have been stolen twice now. Where do you reside again? Mesa, Arizona. Okay.

Making a note to myself, Mesa, Arizona. Do not live. Okay. So your car is now a porous piece of garbage. Yes, basically. But I love it. I love my car. Describe to me why you love it.

I have a slight problem of getting attached to things. And so I've had it for... Like this baby you have? Like this baby you're talking about? Yeah, it's like this baby. It's a problem. What kind of baby is it? It's a human baby.

Right. What style? It's a white male. A white male boy. 2011 model. A boy. A 2011 boy. Yes. What's his name? Cosmo 2? A white male. A white male boy. 2011 model. A boy. A 2011 boy. Aw.

Yes. What's his name? Cosmo 2? His name's Van. His name's Van. That's ironic because he rides in a car. That's not ironic. Note to court.

Rename baby. And verdict. I'm sure he's a lovely child. Of course, his opinion doesn't matter. So you get attached to things. Name some of the things you've become attached to. I do. I have an old Nokia phone that is 11 years old,

the same phone I've had for about 11 years. I refuse to get rid of that. He gives me a hard time about that, too. And I don't know, just, it's, I could just get attached to things. Does the Nokia phone come with its own attache case for carrying it around? I don't even know what that is. I would think that you would know what an attache case is because you love old things very much. Jen, is the problem here? Let me ask you a question, and I want you to be honest for once in your life.

Okay. Is the question here whether you are anxious about learning to drive a manual transmission? Or is the question here whether or not you are a hoarder? That's been discussed. Has it? Oh, really? No, I'm not a hoarder okay that means be quiet please cosmo just so you guys know judge hodgman has an audition later today to be in the manhattan transfer well this should be good practice tip of the tongue top

of the teeth tip of the what is it what guys? Red leather, yellow leather. Toy boat, toy boat, toy boat, toy boat, toy boat, toy boat, toy boat. Ba-da-da! Does Jen have a problem with hoarding? I wouldn't call her a hoarder. I would call her a pack rat. And she does have

an unnatural affection for things that she shouldn't care about. Such as 11-year-old Nokia phones. Right. And a 12-year-old car. Yes. Now make the case here, okay?

You're saying she should learn to drive a manual, right? My case is that— Why should she be more afraid of her current car than the manual transmission car that you want her to be able to drive? I don't think that her car is something to be feared. It's just unreliable, and it's just something that— I have no problem with um you know an automatic transmission i've had several cars that are both manual and well not both wait a minute wait a minute unreliable i think does translate

to danger does it not you live in a lawless wasteland it turns out populated by characters from breaking bad who are smashing in civics all the time. Jen, have you ever been stranded in the middle of Arizona in a car that does not go? I've never been stranded. What does that mean? I've never been stranded in a car that does not go. Right, because what happens is you get stranded, and then you turn the crank on the Nokia to ring central to have them page your husband's beeper that you make him wear so that he comes and gets you? And he gets me to where I need to go.

Basically. Is that true? It's foolproof. She'll call me or her father. He lives, her parents live about seven miles from us. So between me and her immediate family, she can usually find a fix if she's in a fix. How often is this happening?

Recently, well, our son is five months old now. Right after he was born, her car was stolen. You don't have to get braggy with your son. I know that you're proud new parents. Her car was stolen right after he was born. It was gone for, I want to say, at least three weeks where she was stranded without a car. And then just recently, as of last month, beginning of February, she had a problem with her car overheating and it was losing water. Wait a minute.

The car was stolen for three weeks and then it was recovered? Yes. Tell me about that, Jen. It was unfortunate. That it was recovered? Yes. Were you hoping it would never be recovered? What would have happened if it had not been recovered?

Would your insurance have covered it? No. We didn't have full coverage on it. Some meth enthusiast took your car for three weeks, did things in it, and then returned it? Or how was it recovered? It was recovered by the police. Well, I'm glad that you're not a vigilante, but where did they find it? It was, oh, gosh, they didn't give us exact location but

they said it was about 10 miles from our house kind of a quote-unquote bad part of town um which is to say town right uh-huh so uh but i think what was the condition what was the condition that it was in when when it was when how did i'm just curious at this point because this never happened to me how did you get it back did you have to go somewhere to pick it up uh well here's the other thing is that i would say jen's afraid of change because her car is still registered in her dad's name so they had to go through her dad to recover it uh-huh um and uh they basically the the county police found it they sent it to a tow yard um he and i went and picked it up and at that point it was it was in you know it wasn't drivable they had uh messed with the steering column and the ignition so

we couldn't fit a key in there and turn the turn the ignition uh but we had it towed to our mechanic to have it worked on and uh you know and where were and jen during this whole procedure of the recovery of your car where were you at was home with my brand new baby. At home with your baby? At that point, he was only about a month old. Were you drinking some Crystal Light and listening to 8-track cassette tapes? I was. Crystal Pepsi.

Oh, nice. I had that Pepsi clear one time. That was unnerving. It was like ghost Pepsi. Love that stuff. Jen, you're 29. Yes. How do you feel about having a car registered in your dad's name until you were 29 years old? That's just because I never got around to changing it. It had nothing, I don't know, it's just because of pure laziness, basically. Because when I bought it, I was still living at

home and I was still under my I was paying my dad insurance but I was under their insurance and it was cheaper to have it registered under his name for some reason I don't know what all the logistics were but so they had it registered in his name and then I just never changed it what do you think about uh John's assertion that you are um that you are afraid of change? You were just afraid of change. That's true. I'll give him that.

Oh, okay. Can you guys afford a new car? Yes and no. I mean, he goes to school full time. He's working full time. And I just, I quit my job when I had our baby. So we've lost my income but we have a little bit of savings where we could we could swing it I don't need anything fancy just not a manual transmission just not a manual transition yeah exactly because there are two issues here one is

whether you should get a new car and two whether you should learn manual right right Cosmo yes now I will talk to you did you want to say something there I do on the lines of having her car registered in her dad's name she is also actually still on her mother's phone plan and refuses to change that so that we have separate phone plans because she will not she refuses to change her phone plan this is not airing our dirty laundry yeah even I'm even I'm not sure how that's relevant. It's not. It's not relevant.

She's afraid of change. How does it make you feel that she is still on her mother's phone plan? It just costs us extra money every month. It's not a big deal, but it's just, you know. It's a big enough deal that you're going to tell America about it. What's the problem? Just that she's afraid of change. That she's afraid of change.

Yeah. And don't say that she's afraid of change. Yeah. Before we get into more issues of how Jen still has phone plans under her parents' name and still goes home for dinner all the time and they pay her bills and sign her checks and whatever it is, do you want to just, so that we can settle this other issue, can you just say, Jen, I wish you would grow up? I've told her several times. Well, you want to say it right no of course of course but if you want to get that off your chest now's the time if not you want to hold this stuff and deal with it later i think that'll be a private conversation we'll have not anymore you're the one who brought this thing up you made your bets is it the case is it the case that you would like jen to just sort of separate the ties a little bit from the parents?

No, no. I really like her family. They're good people, and they do a lot for us, and I appreciate them. He's saying that because he knows they'll be listening. Right, and he's also relying on them to give you rides all the time because you won't drive his stick shift. I wouldn't rely on them if she'd learn how to drive a stick, though. Your name is John, but you call yourself Cosmo. That's correct.

You have an alternate form of transportation, which is a motorcycle, right? Yes. Right. Which is dangerous. And you drive a manual transmission, and you're kind of a snob about it. Is it also the case that you wear goggles all the time and dress in Victorian waistcoats? Oh, I wish you would. Is your motorcycle a penny-farthing motorcycle, sir?

No, that'd be exceedingly dangerous. So you're not a steampunk? No. You're just a motorcyclist who's named Cosmo? Basically. Do you have a sidecar? I don't. I would love a motorcycle like that, though.

I could feel that you would, Cosmo. I could feel you would like to go all two fat ladies on that motorcycle. How often do you drive the motorcycle? I usually only ride it in the spring and summer when it's not cold outside. It's an unusual choice for a parent of a new child. I don't like it. I think little van agrees. He does. Can you hear him? Do you feel uncomfortable with him driving around that motorcycle?

Since we've had our baby? Yes. Would you like to take this opportunity to tell your husband to grow up? Cosmo, you need to grow up. I liked it. She just, she just took it. She just took it right there. She took that opportunity. Good. Just be careful out there is what I'm saying. Two-wheeler okay? Hotshot? Will do.

Because those things are very dangerous. They are. Almost as dangerous as a manual. Almost as dangerous as Mesa, Arizona. So please be careful. You presented some evidence. Is that right, Cosmo? That's correct.

Okay. In the form of text message transcripts? Yes. Okay. Do you have of text message transcripts? Yes. Okay. Do you have them in front of you? Because I'd like to hear a little bit of this. We do. I do, yeah.

Okay. Go ahead. This is a transcript of the text. You want me to read my part and Jen to read hers? No, actually the reverse. Okay. Cosmo, you read Jen's part. Sure.

And Jen, you read Cosmo's part. Got it. Sure. And Jen, you read Cosmo's part. Got it. Okay, so this is a little role reversal to see what it feels like in the other person's Victorian waistcoat. My sister is coming to pick me up. James is gone now. Who's James? James is Jen's brother's one-year-old son who was sick at the time.

Her nephew. Yes. Okay, I apologize. Her nephew. Yes. Okay, I apologize. Start again, please. And could you make the voice a little more insulting? My sister is coming to pick me up. James is gone now. I guess that means I'm picking you up tonight.

Do you hate that? No, it's inconvenient, but fine. Sorry, I know it sucks. You should learn to drive my car. I should not kill me in van. Whoa. I agree, but you should still learn to drive my car. We will be dead if I drive stick.

Okay, you know what? Don't do that voice anymore. It's so obnoxious. But pick it up again from Cosmo as Jen saying, We will be dead if I drive stick. Just do, We'll be dead if I drive stick. We will be dead if I drive stick. That's not true.

It is. I'm going to stall in an intersection and we'll get hit. Or I'm not going to be able to stop and run into a car. Not if you learn how to not do those things. I get too nervous and uptight. If you get practice while learning, you won't be. I've tried and it's just too intimidating. You haven't tried that hard, which I have.

And you can get over the intimidation. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous. Okay, Jen, I think in that text exchange you meant to say nauseated. Is that correct? Sure. Right, because you don't cause nausea, do you? No. No. Okay, good. Let's skip to the next one, please. Okay. My mom is not feeling well, so we're stuck at home again. I was hoping I could get a car and we could come see you for lunch, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I'm going to call my dad again about my car. I hate being stranded.

Okay, and what day was that? That was Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day? You could not have lunch with Cosmo? No. Because the car didn't work. How did that make you feel, Cosmo? I was hurt inside.

Okay, now here's the final one. You want me to read it? This is from February 15th. Okay. The next day car is still, is the car gone? Is your car gone at this point? Is that what's happening? It's at the mechanic. After it was stolen?

Yes. Okay. And what was being repaired? This is when it was overheating. It was overheating. Okay. So it was stolen and then it was overheating. Yeah. And then it was briefly used as a flophouse.

Exactly. Then converted into a mobile meth lab and then returned to your home. Okay, fine. Yes. The final exchange. Jen, you read it in your voice. Cosmo, you read your voice. Jen, go. All right. My mom is still sick, so read it in your voice. Cosmo, you read your voice. Jen, go.

All right. My mom is still sick, so here we stay again. I need my car. We haven't left the house since Saturday and I'm going a little crazy. You should learn how to drive stick. I'm considering submitting a case to Judge John Hodgman so he makes you learn. I'll win because I'm a girl. Whoa. I didn't know this was going to be used against me. I think I've heard everything I need to hear. I'm going into my, into my chambers and I will be back with my decision shortly.

Please rise as judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Jennifer, what are you really afraid of? Oh, that last little comment. Is that scarier to you than the thought of getting behind the wheel of a stick shift motor vehicle?

No. Stick shift terrifies me. Cosmo, couldn't you just end all of this by agreeing to buy your wife a decent car? I would be happy to buy my wife a decent car under different would be happy to buy my wife a decent car

under different circumstances, which we didn't get to, but... You sound pretty hateful. I'm not going to lie to you. Is there warmth inside of his heart? A little bit. You can find it every once in a while.

Cosmo, why shouldn't she just drop you like a hot potato? Because, frankly, I'm pretty hot stuff myself. Oh, man. Back in his day. Back in his day. Oh, gosh. Your whole life is falling apart around you, you two. All because of a manual car.

Please rise as Judge John Hotchman re-enters the courtroom. Okay, hot stuff one and hot stuff two. I've been giving this a lot of thought. I mean, here's my basic position. Manual transmissions are cool. The whole fight between manual and automatic transmissions is a cliche, such a cliche that I almost didn't think that I should listen to this case. And manual transmission, manual transmissions are so inherently cool. And everyone knows this, that it really felt like the thing answered itself. But I did want to have one more fight about it. Because this is a cliche fight that is vanishing.

Manual transmissions are harder and harder and harder to find, unless you live in the rest of the world where they still like to drive properly. And eventually, we won't have any of them at all. I feel that's sad because the manual transmission is one of the last places in this culture where you actually get to interact with the machine and to feel how it works and feel that you have some control over it more than a robot somewhere inside the car. That is, unless you are a penny-far they are contextually cool in that you become a part of history the moment you downshift an engine brake in one. They have other pros, too. You get a little better fuel economy, although I think that that's changed to some degree. You get to do this awesome thing called engine braking. You know about that, Cosmo, right?

Yes. Right. So basically you downshift in order to slow down instead of hitting the brake, and you feel like the car is going to explode, but it just slows down. It's one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life. Pretty awesome. But it's pretty awesome. And guess what?

It saves your brake pads. They last much longer, particularly in hot climates. Once you learn how to use one, you can rent a car in Europe. That's a good thing. And the only downside to manual transmission, aside from being more connected to the road and the driving experience and therefore more alert, and therefore being a safer driver for your baby, right, being a safer driver for your baby, right? Is that it's hard on the transmission if you're doing a lot of stop-and-go driving on inclines,

going up hills. I mean, I know there are mountains in Arizona, but is it very hilly where you live in Mesa? No, it's quite flat. Okay, Cosmo, I got it. I got it. You don't have to rub it in. It's quite flat. And also, her mom, I got it. I got it. You don't have to rub it in. It's quite flat. And also, her mom pays all the bills.

Did I mention? So, I think you can see where I'm going with this, Jen. I see. I see where you're going. I think that it is. I think that it is. Look, and here's the thing. I was scared to death, too. I learned on an automatic.

I was trained on a manual transmission in New Haven, Connecticut by Anna Henchman, a more expert manual transmission driver. I could not ask for a more terrifyingly vague teacher. I couldn't ask for either. And you learn and you learn the hard way. And it is terrifying when that when that car stops. And you and you don't want to have stopped because you've stalled out or for whatever reason. But it really it really is a learning curve where it's just so terrifying for a brief period. And then all of a sudden, you know how to do it and you feel great and you become a weird uh a weird evangelist of it the way your husband

is unfortunately for you so i find in the favor of your husband and order you to learn how to drive a manual transmission car but here is what i'm going to say. Overriding all of these principles is that you are parents in a city that is lawless and full of miscreants. And in a city which is ungodly hot a lot of the time and which you need cars to get around. Agreed. And you both, and you live separate lives because of work and everything else. So you need to have two reliable vehicles that you both know how to drive. So I am hereby enjoining you to learn how to drive your husband's car. And then I am enjoining your husband and you to invest in a new, more reliable car than the one you have.

I am not saying that also has to be manual. It is okay for that to be automatic. Perfect. But you do need to learn how to drive a manual car because you want to be a full member of human civilization. And guess what, Cosmo? This blows back on you as well. The reason that you need to have two reliable cars is because I do not want you, sir, to be using your motorcycle for regular day-to-day transportation. I never want to take a motorcycle out of a dude's hands, obviously. Do you know what I mean?

And I trust that you're a really responsible, safe rider and everything else. And you seem to know about engine braking, so that makes you a good guy. But I agree to some degree with Jen that if the alternative to her car being broken down is that you ride the motorcycle to work and school every day and that she take your car that's not an agreeable alternative because i don't know what it's like there in mesa arizona but it seems like you'd be hit with flaming arrows at any time basically that's a pretty good picture so i'm not telling you to stop riding your motorcycle obviously you're going to do it safe right of course right and and you're going to do it safe, right? Of course. Right. And you're going to maybe like go out on the weekends and have a good time, right? Sure. Right.

But you're not going to be driving to work every day, right? No, not every day. Right. Because it's hot and it's unbearable and it's for fun. And you're also the parent of a child and you don't want to die prematurely. So, again, I find in the favor of the husband. I enjoin you, I order Jen to learn how to drive a manual transmission. I look forward to a progress report. It may be that you don't want Cosmo to teach you. You may want to ask a

friend or maybe your dad. He seems to be a go-to guy in your life. Or maybe just go to a driving school. It may be that it's like when my wife tried to teach my daughter how to ride a bicycle. There are too much family dynamics involved for that to work out properly. We had to get a stranger to do it. A stranger in the park. Oh, that sounds safe.

Yeah, but it worked out perfectly. And when the police returned her in three weeks, she knew how to ride a bicycle. There you go. So, learn how to drive a manual transmission, sell your car, get something a little bit more reliable that won't be broken down.

Don't put anything in it that you want to keep. And take care of the two of you you this is the sound of a gabble judge sean hodgman rules that is all please rise as judge sean hodgman exits the court cosmo you won but it was a split decision how do you feel

i felt confident going into it that he would see things my way Cosmo, you won, but it was a split decision. How do you feel? I felt confident going into it that he would see things my way. But really, Jesse, all I want is for you to tell my wife to shut her pie hole. Cosmo, shut your pie hole. Oh, thank you. Jennifer, how are you feeling? I feel scared. I'm already sweating.

Jennifer, you have so much empty road in Arizona. No. Do you know how many parking lots you have out there? How many what? Parking lots. It's a place where you put a car when you're not driving it. I thought you said something else. As opposed to leaving it on the lawn of a meth addict, where apparently you've been leaving the car before.

You can't go through life having mom and dad pay for your Valium so you can sit at home and drink crystal light in order to hide from your fears. It's not the 70s anymore. You're going to have to get a phone that sends text messages one of these days. No, and can at least do text messages yeah it prints them out right yes it does oh no i look forward i look forward to hearing of your progress all right jennifer cosmo thank you for joining us on the judge john hodgman podcast thank you a contentious case judge h Hodgman podcast. Thank you. A contentious case, Judge Hodgman. Go, Greased Hodgman, you're burning up the quarter mile.

Greased Hodgman, go, Greased Hodgman, go. Greased Hodgman, you're ghosting through the heat lab trials. You are supreme, the Chixel cream. For Greased Hodgman, Hodgman, Hodgman, Hodgman, Hodgman, Hodgman, Hodgman, Hodgman, Hodgman, Hodgman, Hodgman, Hodgman, Gavel sound. What'd you say, Jesse? I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I was tending to my duck tail.

Right? That's a thing, right? My favorite part is when the duck-tailed guy in Grease, one of the many duck-tailed guys in Grease, one of the T-Birds, right? Is that what they're called, the T-Birds? I don't think I've ever seen Grease. And Summer Lovehunt, he goes, Tell me more, tell me more, did she put up a fight?

Like, yeah, that's nice. It's a fun family. Tell me more, tell me more. Were you forced to rape her? That's a fun family musical that I saw when I was nine years old. It obviously shaped my view of the world. But I like those two in Arizona. They're going to be okay. Well, look, speaking of things that are going to be okay,

we have this docket, and it's only going to be okay if we clear it out a little bit. All right. King of the Segway, Jesse Thorne. Let's hear it. Here's something from Laura. Dear Judge Hodgman, I'm not neurotic, but... Note to court, neurotic.

I'm not neurotic, but I like to make sure people around me aren't dead or in pain. If my husband doesn't say anything for more than 30 minutes, I'll ask him if he's okay. If my dogs don't move in their sleep for more than an hour, I shake them to make sure they're not dead. I usually assume my husband has gotten into a horrific car crash and is dead

if I get home before him and mentally prepare myself for widowhood until he eventually gets home. Husband says, this is annoying and especially mean to our dogs. I think it's a small price to pay for all this love I have to give to them. Thank you, Laura. I love how normal you sound when you say, I usually think my husband has had a horrific car crash when I get home before him. I don't mean to laugh.

I do think that you might want to... Let me put it to you this way, Laura. You are neurotic, and you ought to see a therapist to help you with your anxiety, which I'm sure is totally manageable through a little talk therapy, maybe a glass of wine, and an appreciation that your dogs will probably live through their sleep. In the meantime, as you're working through that problem, instead of shaking your dogs and scaring your husband all the time, just get a little mirror to hold into their noses. That way you'll know if they're breathing. Next question. Here's

something from Rick. I purchased the popular flip camera for my wife Rachel's birthday. Oh, jeez. I hope this isn't some kind of buzz marketing scheme for this defunct company. You have basically just burned three quarters of the answer that I had prepared for these people. But thank you. Why don't I start? No, don't start again. I want you to read this because it's better this way.

This clearly is a buzz marketing scheme for a defunct company. And I want you to read the whole thing and take note of how many times they actually say the name of the product. Start from the top so that I can keep a tally. Okay. I purchased the popular flip camera

for my wife, Rachel's birthday. She had expressed interest in owning one to take both still and moving digital pictures of our two young children, ages six and four. Though neither one of us have ever used the flip camera, one of its main selling points is ease of use. Therefore, I do not feel it is my job to teach her how to operate it.

Conversely, she believes part of the birthday gift package, as it were, is for me to provide a full tutorial in flip camera use techniques and best practices. Six months after the purpose, the flip camera has yet to leave its box. We are at a standoff. She won't open

it until I teach her how it works. I think she should take five minutes and figure it out herself for crying out loud. Okay, I think we can stop there. Yeah. That was one, two, three, four messages of flip camera buzz marketed on this podcast, which I will allow because as of 2011, as you note, Jesse, this product no longer exists. And thus it's sort of archaically charming.

It's sort of the Polaroid film of digital video. They don't make it anymore. It's become a collector's item. What's amazing is that she has been refusing to use it so long that it's no longer made. She may be the reason. She's the reason. They said if we can't get Rachel to use this thing, we might as well shut it down. So you're responsible for the economy, Rachel. Sorry.

Here's my ruling. Both of you are hateful. First of all, you're buzz marketing this thing on my podcast. Second, the dude is refusing to take pictures of his kids out of spite. And she's refusing to learn how to use the outdated camera also out of spite. And they have this weird stalemate. Here's what I say. Throw that thing in the river. Go to this website, theimpossibleproject.com, where they sell old and new Polaroid cameras

and new and vintage Polaroid film. And get some vintage film and a vintage camera and give that to your wife, and she will know how to use that because it's easy. And you will finally do your job as a father and get some pictures of your kids for once. And you'll have a good time with an archaic product instead of the misery that you enjoy now.

That sounds kind and generous. Yeah. Instead of stalemating over this flip camera thing, get something that's fun and easy to use. Theimpossibleproject.com. Buzz marketing, which I will only do for archaic, out-of-date products. Oh, there's a new podcast in the Maximum Fun family. I just dropped my pen.

What? I know. It's that exciting. It's a great show called Throwing Shade, hosted by the very, very brilliant Aaron Gibson and Brian Safi. It is, well, I don't know if this is actually true, but they claim to be the world's only podcast hosted by a woman and a gay. I could think of some things to say, but I'm not going to. They take all of the most important issues going on in the world of women's and gays,

I'm not going to. They take all of the most important issues going on in the world of women's and gays, all of your positive and negative news in the world of ladies and homosexuals, and then they treat it with much less respect than it deserves. They basically make a lot of fun of all kinds of stuff. It's a really hilarious, brilliant show. And also, I think, borderline important. I can't wait to listen to it. It's a really hilarious, brilliant show. And also, I think, borderline important. I can't wait to listen to it. It's a great show.

MaximumFun.org or search for it in iTunes. And hey, one other thing. The MaxFunDrive coming up starts March 26th. So I hope everyone has those pledging fingers warming up to support this show and all of the shows of MaximumFun.org. Jesse, may I make one last announcement before we go? Oh, of course. By the time you humans of the Internet are hearing this, I will be getting close to your town, especially if your town is Minneapolis or Madison or Milwaukee or Chicago.

That's right. I'm visiting all of the big M cities of the Midwest. Chicago. That's right. I'm visiting all of the big M cities of the Midwest, Minneapolis, Madison, Milwaukee, Chicago, along with our friends, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett, March 29th, 2012, and then the 30th and then the 31st and then the first. You can get all the details at my website, areasofmyexpertise.com forward slash tour or go to bit.ly forward slash Hodgmania. Oh, that sounds tremendous. I just got a chance to see the live Hodgman extravaganza in person here in Los Angeles. And this is not something that you're going to want to miss.

I mean, the reality is that if you miss this, you're just going to be punching yourself in the face for at least six months afterwards just out of sheer self-disappointment. And I do not want that on my conscience. I don't want your self-punched face on my conscience. Boy, I think we moved a lot of podcasts, a lot of tickets, a lot of free t-shirts,

and a lot of justice today, Jesse. Thank you so much. We're just taking care of business, John. All right. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. I will be here. Will you? The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org.

Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at gosuperego.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at Forum.MaximumFun.org and our Facebook group at Facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge

John Hodgman podcast.