Judge John Hodgman - The Tahitian Take-Out

Episode Date: February 16, 2011

A friends' night out at a Polynesian restaurant, several Scorpion bowls and an abandoned bag of takeout are involved in this accusation of impropriety and substandard hygiene.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, the case of the Tahitian takeout. Ryan brings the case. He and his best friend Evan visited a Polynesian restaurant where Ryan spotted an apparently abandoned bag of takeout. After consuming a few stiff tropical drinks, Ryan claimed the takeout, which he later ate. Ryan alleges that the food would have been thrown away. Evan suggests that there was no way of knowing that it was truly abandoned and that Ryan's actions may have been tantamount to stealing. Who's right and who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman Enters the court

Thank you, Bailiff Jesse Would you please swear in the complainant And defendant? I would. Ryan Evan, please rise And raise your right hand Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth And nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? Yes

I only heard one yes Did you hear two yeses? I heard two yeses. We both said yes at the same time. Yeah, it's going to be one of those, Jesse. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite his total lack of qualification in any field other than marine hatcheries? Comfortably so, yes. Yes. Judge Hodgman? You may be seated. Actually, Bailiff Jesse, I will say that this is one area where I do have qualification, and that is the area of the scorpion bowl. I'm always qualified if I am within 15 feet of a scorpion bowl. Is that how it works? Yes, exactly. And I

have had one before, and I may even have been to this very restaurant. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Who is the complainant? Ryan. What's the problem between you and Evan? Evan and I went to this Chinese restaurant that we enjoy. This is in Deadham, Massachusetts? We pronounce it Deadham, but yes, Deadham. All right. We enjoyed a nice meal. We had a scorpion bowl or two. As we sat down, I noticed one of those classic takeout bag, the staple brown bag on top of the lottery ticket scratch off dispenser machine. Let me just stop you there for one second. When you said that you had a nice meal, do you mean you had a nice meal or a nice meal?

When we go to this place, we know what we're getting into. And what are you getting into? We're getting into some junk food that we occasionally enjoy. I don't think any of us are strangers to enjoying some junk meals. Do you mean junk food like fast food or junk food like bad food? I would say this is bad food. Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan, I will have order. Okay. Don't make me beat anybody up by Mitch in for a fight. Easy, easy. Easy, easy.

You don't want to make Bailiff Chessie angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. He starts double Windsor nodding his ties. Listen, what is the name of this place in Dead Ham, Massachusetts? Tahiti. And this is a Polynesian restaurant? So they say. And you and Evan go there?

We do. To enjoy food that you do not consider to be the best food in the world, but there are other reasons that you go there. Absolutely. So now you're leaving, and there is a bag of food on top of a lottery ticket dispenser. Is that correct? Correct. Does that bring us up to date? Yes. All right.

Now tell the rest of the story. lottery ticket dispenser. Is that correct? Correct. Bring us up to date? Yes. All right. Now tell the rest of the story. Because I saw that bag way early on in our dinner, I said, that bag was discarded. It's going to get thrown out. I'm going to swallow my pride here. I'm just going to take this with me. I've had two scorpion bowls. Why not? And explain to me what a scorpion bowl is and to the listeners who may not know. A scorpion bowl is a delicious mixed drink involving rum, vodka, I believe one other alcoholic beverage, and pineapple juice. It's the kind of drink that makes you forget exactly what alcoholic beverages are in it. Now, Evan, it is your turn to talk. You saw this happen, and how did you feel about it? Well, I was surprised. First of all, I had not noticed the takeout bag there prior to Ryan's action of

lifting it. So I really can't vouch for the truth of his statement that it had, in fact, been there the amount of time that he says it has been there. But I was surprised at Ryan's action, because it seemed to me to be a kind of, it was at least an ethical gray area. It surprised me to see my friend do this. He's a guy who, he's only going to have one scorpion bowl. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. He's not going to himself have two scorpion bowls. He's not a monster. Not himself, no. No, he's a man of moderation. Yes. I see. Describe for me the moment that you first realized that your friend had taken a bag of old food from on top of a lottery ticket machine. Yeah, I mean, I was with him. We were walking out the door and I was standing beside him and I saw him pick up the bag and carry it with him as we went out to the car.

And I didn't I did not speak up at the time. No. Because I was I was in a state of, not shock, but surprise over what was happening, and I wanted to see whether it was going to pan out the way it seemed like it was going to. And then the two of you fellows walked

out to the parking lot and got in your car and drove home. Yes. Who was driving? I believe Walsh was driving. You don't remember. No, was I driving? I believe Walsh was driving. You don't remember. No, was I driving? You don't remember.

I don't remember who was driving. This is a while ago now, though. Right. Are you saying that you do not know for sure that the food was abandoned? Well, yes. The way I essentially see the matter is that, you know, it's primarily an issue of property ownership. And as I see it, the food was it was it was either someone else's property or at least its ownership was was under question enough that Ryan really didn't have sufficient grounds to make the decision that he made in all good faith. And what do you do for a living?

Are you a food lawyer? I am not a food lawyer, no. I am a research assistant. So if there was a big grease stain, if it were ice cold, if there were a post-it note on it saying, abandoned food, please take. Yeah, if there were a post-it note on it, I abandoned food, please take. Yeah, if there were a post-it note on it, I think if it had just been sitting there, I think whether or not it had been abandoned

without knowing that it had been, you know, given up, relinquished. But I think when you see a takeout bag in the area where people pick up takeout bags of food inside a restaurant, it's a lot cloudier. Right. So short of abandonment, what scenario could you have seen someone leaving this there? They put it down there and they left to go outside and smoke a menthol cigarette and hate their lives? That's quite a possibility.

They put it there so they could briefly go out to the parking lot to vomit in some weeds? I think there's generally a lot of self-hatred going on at Tahiti in general. Now, Ryan, you actually sent some photographic evidence. Yes. So let's take a look here. I see two photographs, Exhibit A and Exhibit B. Exhibit A is a picture of the lounge at this restaurant called Tahiti, which is a sort of Pan-Asian, old-school Polynesian restaurant by the side of a road in Deadham, Massachusetts. And exhibit B is a picture of the so-called Scorpion Bowl,

featuring the traditional large, round, orange bowl full of round, orange alcohol with a little bit of fire in the middle and a little volcano. Is that more or less what we see here? Oh, I would like to add that the wide shot of the lounge is meant to give you a sense that this is a bit of a Wild West feel to it. It's almost like the Cantina Bar in Star Wars. The rules are out the window at this place.

I've seen all matter of debauchery happen in this lounge. window at this place. I've seen all matter of debauchery happen in this lounge. Really, to say that any laws apply here, I think would be a mistake. Evan, do you confirm that Ryan has seen fistfights in this bar? No, I cannot confirm that, and I find it doubtful. What I see here is a bar, but I don't see fistfights happening in this bar. I don't see the Wild West that you're saying there. I'd just like to say I took these photos on an off night to get some evidence in

for the case. I wish I had taken them. Of you being hit in the face by a guy? Me too. Believe me. I also wish that. That would be ideal. We all know. Because that's podcast ratings gold right there. Is that you asking me to punch him in the face? Cause I will.

Easy, easy, easy, easy. Whoa. Easy there. Bow tie. Come on. Now listen, Ryan. Yes. Um, the picture of the scorpion bowl, this was scorpion bowl one or two. Do you remember? Uh, to be honest, this is a entirely other night. It's not a photo from the night in question. How often are you going to this place, Ryan? I'd say four or five times a year. For the holidays, then?

Yeah. And Ryan, let me ask you a question. How often do you eat food that you find laying around? Rarely. It's in preparation of the apocalypse. Well, I can't argue with the wisdom of that. We must learn to scavenge. That's for sure.

Evan, would you agree? Would you, would you ever eat food that you find laying around? I don't, I'm a little germ phobic. Are you wearing rubber gloves as we speak? No, I am not. I actually took the liberty of looking up Tahiti. I, as you, as you may or may not know, I'm from Brookline, Massachusetts. And, uh, and I know the area a little bit, but I had never been to Tahiti, so I took the opportunity to look

it up on Google Maps. And let me say that this is a very depressing looking place, if you look at it. This is to, I'll post, we'll post my own evidence to the discussion boards as soon as we finish recording this. But this looks like – this looks – it's in an empty – it's a squat tan building with zero windows in an empty parking lot next to a Petco in Dedham, Massachusetts. And it looks like an Asian, I don't know how to describe this. It looks like an Asian food delivery bunker in a planned economy, like in the Soviet Union in the early 70s or something. Like you would go and get your noodles out of a hole in the wall and then, and then go home. Uh,

and it probably, you know, probably this, the, the, the scratch off lottery ticket machine, just judging from the outside, that's probably the fanciest thing about this place.

Um, so I agree with you that it is depressing, but I am not sure that I can necessarily agree with you that that means any food that is not nailed down belongs to you. If I were to find in your favor, Ryan, what would you want from Evan? I would want Evan to agree that I was in some kind of right and that this is not an indicator of a larger character problem on my part. Not even you. Not even you are willing to say that you were in all kinds of rights. You were in some kind of right.

I completely agree. Yes. You were in a scorpion bowl impaired version of rightness. I carry around some kind of shame that I ate someone else's food. I come in at that's level one for me. I will accept that. Beyond that, I'm looking for some help from Judge John Fox. I see.

And Evan, what would you like the outcome to be? If I find in your favor, how would you like Ryan to be punished? I mean, what do you see is the the the resolution of this? Well, I don't I don't I mean, I just again, like I think similarly, I would just want from him an admission that that, you know, this that he was wrong. He should not have have done this thing and that he feels some sort of legitimate, you know, regret about having done it. I mean, I'm not looking for any repercussions beyond that. Nor do I think that he has to admit that this is a sign of a large character defect.

You want him to live up to a certain code of honor that you expect from your friend. Yes. The code of honor, which which says please make sure that the old polynesian food does not belong to someone else before you take it off of the scratch ticket machine yes all right i think i'm prepared to make my ruling um i'm going to go into my chambers and think this over um goodbye please rise as judge john John Hodgman retires to his chambers. Ryan, do you think that alcohol is an excuse for bad behavior? My case is not based upon alcohol consumption.

What do you think are the consequences, Evan, of someone making a decision like this? It's a slippery slope once we start deciding that we can sort of decide on our own what belongs to who. Ryan, why not just ask? There was no one to ask. If I had asked the employees of Tahiti, they would have... Said no. Would have said no. No, they would have, for legal reasons, I believe they would have thrown it in the trash

immediately. Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman returns from chambers. So I thought it over, and I've done some research. And the basic ruling is this. Evan is absolutely correct. Ryan, you should not have taken that food. Did you eat the food, by the way? I believe I ate some of it. You have zero memory of any of this, which I find troubling. You ate the food, and I presume that it is now impossible to give it back. Oh, yes. So Evan is absolutely correct. You should not have taken the food, and you should not have

eaten the food. But he's not correct precisely for the reason that he suggests. The real reason is that the food was garbage. Now, as you know, I used to live in the Boston area. And like most people who live in Boston, I too enjoyed getting drunk at weird restaurants. For me, it was Weylu's Pagoda on Route 1 in Saugus, but that apparently no longer exists and is now abandoned and is a giant haunted pagoda in Wailoo's, in Route 1 in Saugus. And I'm very interested in going back there soon, but that's a little bit of an aside. But the fact is,

I also enjoyed going to bad or semi-bad restaurants and imagining that imaginary fistfights might happen there and finding it hilarious that other humans actually went there. And I might have found it hilarious to steal their food as well. But as I grew older, I put aside such childish things, and I put down the scorpion bowl, and I thought differently to myself. The reality is that what you were eating in the best case scenario was abandoned by another human being. And it is therefore garbage. When I was in Boston, I worked in a restaurant and I was washing dishes and I found it hilarious

to eat food that was left on the plates by the customers that were brought to me. And I got horribly, horribly sick on several occasions. And finally, I realized that it is not good to take food from other people that might belong to someone else, nor is it good to eat food that is legitimately and unquestionably abandoned by other people, because then that food is garbage. by other people because then that food is garbage. So I would say you appealed, by the way, Ryan, to one of the most important areas of my concern these days. You appealed to my concern about apocalypse, that you are preparing yourself for apocalypse by eating food left on lottery ticket machines. And that has a strong appeal to me. You are right to be thinking that way.

However, it is not apocalypse yet. And unless you are starving, I encourage you to not eat garbage, no matter how many scorpion bowls you've had. Don't eat the garbage served at a bad restaurant. Don't eat the garbage served at a bad restaurant. Don't eat the garbage served at a good restaurant. Don't eat the garbage served at a medium restaurant that you actually genuinely enjoy for nostalgic reasons, et cetera. It's time for you to stop enjoying things that are bad. And it is now time for you to start enjoying things that are actually good. So here is my sentence to you. And it is a sentence to both of you because you both seem like nice guys.

And you deserve to enjoy each other's company with good things and not necessarily just with sort of like medium things. I'm about to get sued by the Tahiti restaurant, I realize. I'm sure it's fine. It's delicious. It looks like a nice enough place. It looks terrible on the outside. I'm sure inside it creates a warm, happy environment where you guys can enjoy a scorpion bowl together.

And, you know, if that's what you want to do, that's fine. If you really enjoy it, that's fine. Just stop stealing food from them and others. But in the meantime, I'm going to offer you a recipe for the original Scorpion Bowl as formulated by Trader Vic in the 1940s and provided to me and now to you by cocktail historian and author David Wondrich, who is a friend of mine and emailed me very quickly with alarming speed the recipe for the Scorpion Bowl when I asked him for it

five minutes before recording this podcast so this comes to you do you have a pen and paper i do what about you listeners at home so this is a scorpion bowl according to wondrich it comes from trader vicks from the 1940s and went through several revisions or dumbing downs, as he says, over the years. And it used to come in this ceramic thing with topless Tahitian girls for feet and a gardenia floating in it. It serves for you, your best friend, you two guys, and your dates, which I recommend you get. And you can enjoy this, all four of you together.

And I think you'll find it delicious. So you are going to take, this is a party version, by the way, this will serve 20. So divide this by five. Thanks, David Wendridge, for making it easier for me. So to serve 20 scorpion bowls, take 36 ounces white Cuban style rum, David recommends Mount K, two ounces of gin, David recommends Mount K. Two ounces of gin, Tanqueray. Two ounces of cognac, Ferrand Ambre. Twelve ounces dry white wine, whatever.

Sixteen ounces fresh squeezed strained lemon juice. Eight ounces fresh squeezed strained orange juice. Eight ounces orgeat syrup, that's an almond syrup, or more or less to taste. And two sprigs of mint. Fill a punch bowl with all this stuff and also cracked or crushed ice and let it stand in the refrigerator for an hour or two. Add a big block of ice, poke a gardenia or two in and then you can start serving it from the punch bowl. Or if you buy five scorpion bowls, maybe from Tahiti or Ryan, you might just want to steal them from there, you can

have yourselves a scorpion bowl party at your home, which will be a delight and a new thing in your friendship and a new chance to enjoy something made properly and well, as opposed to something that has been left on a vending machine. I think you guys will enjoy that very much, and I think I've made the right decision. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge Sean Hodgman rules. That's all. Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman exits the courtroom. Evan Ryan, did you expect this to become a referendum on your lifestyles? I didn't, but I'm pleasantly satisfied with the results. I've been appropriately publicly shamed and ready to change. Evan, how about you? I can't imagine that you expected a little bit of the fire hose to be turned on you as someone who was essentially blameless in the situation, apparently.

Well, you know, I mean, I think it's fine. I heard my good friend Ryan publicly decried as a garbage eater. So I'm happy. Gentlemen, thank you very much for being on Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is produced by Julia Smith and myself, Jesse Thorne, for MaximumFun.org. This week, I edited the show. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. MaximumFun.org is supported by your donations. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org,

and they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right?

Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs. They're made in, made in. The Rohan duck. Made in, made in. Riders of Rohan, duck.

What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional

chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional-grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that

learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep. That's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10 minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world and you get to hear the sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you

while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at Babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at Babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Lodgeman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun

or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah! We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go. We'll see you next time on Judge John Hodgman.