Judge John Hodgman - The Toot Dispute

Episode Date: May 25, 2011

Jason's mom argues that whenever he passes gas, he should proffer an "excuse me" to whomever is present (according to general social etiquette).  Jason says he's an adult and as such, is allowed to do as he pleases.  Should Jason's mom butt out, or should be held to her standards?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week on the show, the toot dispute. Jason is the complainant. His mother insists that when he passes gas, he must always say, excuse me. Jason says he'll say what he wants. He's 30 years old, a grown man. His mother disagrees. She says it's a matter of simple social graces. Who's right and who's wrong in this generational battle? Only Judge John Hodgman can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Fart sound. I'm here to judge you. Comedy fart sound. I can't wait to hear this week's sound of a gavel, by the way. Faith, Jason, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

So help you God or whatever. I do. Yes, I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that as a judge, he's legally prohibited from farting? Yes. Yeah. Very well. Judge Hodgman. Despite the fact that as a judge, he's legally prohibited from farting? Yes. Yeah. Very well. Judge Hodgman? Okay.

Which one of you is the farter? That would be me. And you are the complainant as well as the farter? Yes. All right. Why don't you state your case? What is your name besides farter? My name is Jason.

It's a generally accepted name. Jason, generally accepted name. All right. Very well. I have entered in the record. Explain to me, if possible, without farting, what is going on in your relationship with your mother? Sure, I can manage that. Whenever we're home and I fart,

she always makes a point of telling me to say, excuse me, and follow up with the comments of things like, this isn't how I raised you, and things like that, which I don't necessarily have a problem with saying, excuse me, but it's sort of like I've drawn the things like that, which I don't necessarily have a problem with saying excuse me. But it's sort of like I've drawn the line in the sand that I'm not going to say excuse me because I don't really feel it's about whether or not I say excuse me. I feel like it's about the fact that she has three grandchildren, but she wants more. And so she wants me to be married.

And there's just I have a decade of evidence just with all the things that she's done sort of like forcing me in that direction. Right. So she wants you to fart out a grandchild. Well, basically, I think her thought is farting is just one more thing that's going to keep her from having grandchildren, keep me from getting married. Oh, I see. I feel like it's not about the farting. It's about how other people, young women, are perceiving me. And how often does this come up? Or shall I say, how often is this expelled, this problem?

Several times a year. Do you live at home? No, no, I don't. I live a couple hours away. So you come home, and like many adult sons, you save up your laundry and your flatulence to bring home. And then it comes up and something happens. You emit flatus, as they say in the medical profession. And your mother says, you should say, excuse me.

And you say, stop trying to control my life and make me have children and make me attractive to other people. It's a little less violent than that, but it's more passive aggressive. All right. Let me speak to the Farty for a moment. Mom, are you there? Yes, I'm here. All right. What's your side of the story? Well, he used to say, excuse me, as

I requested, but when he got to college, he seemed to think he was above that anymore. Where did he go to college, ma'am? Shippensburg. Okay. Boys, when they get to college, tend to develop new relationships with their bodily functions and odors.

It was a process of self-discovery. Excuse me? Say it again? Discover. What? Are you? I'm sorry. Are you speaking or farting?

I can't understand what you're saying. What? I said college was a process of self-discovery. Sure, as it is for many men once they get away. Do you have any brothers or sisters? I do have a sister. Okay, so you have no other brothers in the house? No.

So I presume that when you went to college, it was a co-ed college? Well, that doesn't matter. You were there with other men. It wasn't a ladies' college. It wasn't a women's college where you were the only guy, because that's a movie that I'm going to write. This was a real-life situation where you were hanging with other men. It wasn't a ladies' college. It wasn't a women's college where you were the only guy, because that's a movie that I'm going to write. This is a real-life situation where you were hanging out with men, and were you living in a dormitory with men or a shared apartment or a fraternity home? I did both dormitories and shared apartments.

living with other guys for the first time, I bet you had some, you know, sort of like for the first time, brotherly roughhousing and exploration of the various odors and weird sounds that your body can make in a freer environment than you are used to at home. Would that be accurate to say? That's accurate. And may I point out, he's no longer in college. He's 30 now. Right. The problem started when he was in college and he came home with a lot of new ideas he probably read a lot about literary theory probably probably got some seen some weird art house movies maybe started wearing a toupee and also started stopped saying excuse me uh upon upon flatulence is that that more or less an accurate depiction of what happened when your son came back from the corrupting environment of university?

Yeah. All right. And so now he's 30 years old, and he's farting like crazy, and he's not saying excuse me. What does he say, if anything? He says it's a normal bodily function every time oh excuse me that's a normal bodily function no not every time i just say excuse me and especially when the grandkids are here like i think he he's just uh you know he

needs to be a better example of how an adult acts. Well, how do you respond to that, Jason? Well, I feel like I do lead by example. And it's something that they need to be okay with who they are. You know, and part of me farting is just helping them to remove the shame of all these things of who we are. So they don't have to go through that awkward period in middle school, where they kind of hate everything about themselves. They can get over it right now. And they can just hate me instead. What? That argument, that argument didn't make sense when you started it and then it got really

weird at the end. Okay, let's backtrack for a second. I don't want to hear your specious college boy argument about how we all have to be comfortable with ourselves and our bodies, okay? You're in your mom's house. She's asking you to say excuse me just as you were raised, as I presume your nieces and nephews are being raised that way, and you're making big fights about it? I would imagine, I would expect that

from a 21-year-old wearing a beret, but your mom raises a point. You're a 30-year-old man now. I kind of like to pick my battles. This is one that I'm going to fight to the end. And so rather than having arguments about everything under the sun, I think it's simple just to focus all my energies on one thing. And still you are making zero sense, but that's fine. Mom, let me ask you a question. How do you respond to this accusation that has been leveled against you with regard to that

you're asking your son to say, excuse me, should he emit flatus is part of an overall secret agenda you have to marry him off as soon as possible and get more grandchildren. So, you know, it would be, he has more of a chance of getting a girlfriend if he, you know, acts like a human being instead of an animal. Oh, my goodness. So the conspiracy theory is true. Oh, my gosh. Here we go. Now we're digging into it. In what other ways does he act like an animal?

That's really the only way that I can think of at the moment. But he doesn't live in my house anymore, so. Where do you folks live, may I ask? Pennsylvania. Oh, okay, cool. Very good. Fart country, I call it. No, I don't. Yeah. So, Faith, you have just admitted that there is a secret agenda.

You would like him to clean up his act in general. Is that correct? I never considered it a secret agenda, but yeah. Maybe an overt agenda. It could be. Jason, you've brought some evidence to the court regarding this agenda. You sent me some pictures. Have you shared these with your mother as well? Does she know what we're talking about? I did, yeah. I emailed them to her a day or two ago. So the first thing you've sent is a greeting card that your mom sent you. Describe this to me. She sent this to me on Valentine's Day, maybe three or four years ago. And on the front, it's red, and there's these trees that are shaped like hearts in a cute little house. And on top it says, for our son and daughter-in-law.

And then daughter-in-law is artfully crossed out with a pen. Right. This is the pre-printed greeting is for our son and daughter-in-law is artfully crossed out with a pen. Right. This is the pre-printed greeting is for our son and daughter-in-law. And daughter-in-law is crossed out. And inside, if I may, the pre-printed greeting says, we are so thankful for the family ties that keep us close and fill our hearts with happy memories of times we've shared with the two of you. The two of crossed out. Not many people are as fortunate as we are to have such a wonderful son and daughter-in-law

and daughter-in-laws crossed out, right? Yes. And then your mom writes a very nice note at the bottom saying, I thought this was a pretty card, and it is a pretty card. So you're saying that this is evidence of a kind of a passive, aggressive reminder that you should be thinking about getting married? Absolutely. My mom has always said that many a truth was spoken just.

And so it's clearly a joke, but there's definitely an underlying truth there. Yeah, yeah. I actually disagree with you. I think this is a pretty active, aggressive message. First of all, I think it's hilarious, may I just say. I thought it was very creative. You know, hey, I saw the card.

I saw the card. It was a nice card. The only thing wrong with it was it had daughter-in-law, which I don't have, so I just crossed it off. So would you also be saying anything wrong with my life? Guys, it sounds like you have some things to work out. So I'm just going to discreetly step away for a moment and fart if you don't mind. It's a normal bodily function. All right.

I agree. I'm back. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me, ma'am. Now, there are some other pictures that there's some other pictures here of you, Jason. Yes. Pictures maybe six or seven years ago. At the time, I had already graduated college. I was living my own for a year and was back home for something. And my mom had scheduled a haircut for me. And when I confronted her about it, because at that point in my life, I had scheduled my own haircuts.

at that point in my life, I'd schedule my own haircuts. She said, well, you know, first impressions are important, and you need a girlfriend. And so that was her reason for scheduling a haircut for me. And so I have two pictures here. One is you with fairly shaggy hair, and then the other is of you with fairly shaggy hair and a wispy mustache. Is this a before and after? Did you go to get your haircut and instead accidentally have a mustache applied? No, I was working at a summer camp that summer, and so I was working with a lot of children, and I felt like the mustache didn't really create a safe atmosphere. Yeah, I would say that this is, you know, I am the owner of a malicious mustache, and you're a wispy mustache, and this one is really freaking me out. You also seem to be a fan of wearing lanyards around your neck with your keys

around your neck in both of these pictures. Is that still something you do? No, that was just keys that I needed for the summer. Okay, summer keys. Summer keys you can wear around your neck. That's fine. But you didn't send me a current picture. How do you look now? Now my hair is much shorter. The mustache is not

there. Otherwise, it's pretty much the same. And do you schedule your haircuts now? How often do you get a haircut? I do. I would say maybe every six weeks. Okay. That's pretty reasonable, don't you think, Faith? Yes, I think that's very reasonable. He looks quite handsome these days. Oh, please send me a current photo.

I'll put it online, and I'll say that this is a single available man. And maybe you'll find a special person who doesn't mind rude farting all the time. And then your mom gave you a present. Is that right? Yes. All right. Explain this present for me. She had intended to give me a present.

This year for Christmas, I got a phone call. 2010. Yes, it was 2010 Christmas. And she explained that her intention was that her and my sister would team up and subscribe me to an internet dating service as my Christmas gift. And you did not want that? No. I feel like – Did you feel that that was a little insulting?

There needs to be some kind of pursuit. And if I don't even put the effort in to sign up for the internet dating service myself, what kind of effort am I going to put into the relationship? And who wants to devalue themselves like that? Well, yeah, but you might be too shy or you might not know that internet dating services exist or you might not think this isn't for me or you might need a little push from mom in order to get yourself out there in that way. No? That could be one theory, but I come back to the haircut.

You know, she thought she'd have to get the haircut for me, but it turns out that of my own free will, I regularly get haircuts now. Let's just face it. Your mom clearly believes that you don't look good. You got bad manners and you don't know how to meet women. Is that true or not true? Do you, let's take it one at a time. One, do you look good? Yeah. I mean, relatively not hideous. That's, uh, that's the first step to, uh, to, to meeting women look relatively good. Absolutely.

Are you groomed? Yeah, I'm pretty well groomed. I shower regularly. You have your hair the way you want it to look? Yeah. How would you describe your look? I think it's fairly like, there's no frills. All right.

It's pretty straightforward. Mr. No, Farter McNofrills, got it. Now, we'll table the farting for a moment. In terms of meeting women, where do you live? I live in Shippensburg, Pennsylvania. Okay. What kind of scene do you have out there? A lot of, just a lot of friends, I guess. A large group of interconnected male and female friends where everybody has sort of crushes on each other, but they're afraid to do anything about it because it's going to ruin the very delicate dynamic of who gets to hang out with whom at the coffee shop or whatever, and everyone just ends up hating

themselves. It's not exactly like a Sweet Valley High thing. Most of my friends are married. Okay. So why aren't you, now you're 30 years old, have you been in a serious relationship? I have not. Oh. What's going on?

Well, I mean, I guess that's the question. If you'd ask my mother, she would say it's the farting. Too much farting. But I feel the issue is much more complicated than that. Mom, what do you think? Why did you buy a subscription to an Internet dating service for your son? Oh, my daughter was in on it, too. She also wanted to.

She was willing to go along with it just because I think he just needs a little bit of push. I think he's kind of like gotten in this rut where he can just do what he wants when he wants. And he kind of forgot about women. Maybe you realize you just described a man's perfect life, a rut in which he can do what he wants when he wants and has forgotten about women. That's kind of beautiful.

What more can you want? A wife. A wife. And is that something that you see in your future, Jason, a wife and grandkids? Yes. A wife and children that you will immediately give over to your mother, allowing her to raise them as her own? During vacations, I will. That's something that you want, right?

Yes. And it's just developing very slowly. Yeah. Some seeds take a little longer to germinate. Right. Yeah. Have you heard of that book? Leo was a late farter? I have not. How did you describe your overall look again, Jason? Was it just like going with it? No frills. Just farting? Yeah, basically. How would you describe his look, ma'am? going with it? No frills. Just farting? Yeah, basically. How would you describe his look, ma'am? He doesn't always match, and, you know, he could just wear

things that are just a little bit nicer, just a little bit more dressy. What does he usually wear for pants? Jeans. Okay. And for tops? T-shirts. T-shirts? That say funny things on them. Like what sort of things? Just farting? Keep on. Yeah. What are some of things? Just farting? Uh, yeah. Keep on.

Yeah. Uh-huh. What are some of your funny t-shirts, Jason? You know, I used to have a Michael Bolton t-shirt that was pretty ironic. A Michael Bolton t-shirt that's pretty ironic?

I think that's the definition of every Michael Bolton t-shirt right now. Right. And you do events with friends? What is your, what is your job out there? Uh,

actually, I work at a juvenile detention center. Oh, really? And you're not meeting a lot of ladies there? Surprisingly not. Huh. And what is your job title? Um, well, I work at a juvenile detention center. Oh, really? And you're not meeting a lot of ladies there? Surprisingly not. And what is your job title? Well, I do the adventure programming. So I take them out on hikes and go rock climbing and things like that. Right. And then maybe they'll just sort of have an accident. We're going to take seven of you out here and maybe

some of you will have an accident. Some of the worst kids might just not get a handhold on a rock. Is that what's going on here? If it happens, you know what I mean? Generally, it's just filed as an AWOL. This just got really dark. So you lead adventure programming for young criminals? Right, right. Boy, I think a lot of young women would be very interested in meeting a physically active guy with ironic Michael Bolton t-shirts who is bringing criminals out into the wild to try to change their minds and or get into death matches with them as they try to escape. Very exciting.

Can I back up a second to the fashion question? Sure. Because my mom, she is accurate in saying that I probably don't match a lot, but I think it's one of those things where in my fashion, I was so sheltered that I never really had a chance to grow and even get a true sense of what my identity is and what I wear. And a good example of this is when I went to college, my sister actually kind of, she had this system where she color coordinated my clothing. So a pair of pants would have like

a red dot on it. And then I would on the tag, and then I'd find a shirt that had a red dot on the tag. And I knew that would match that pair of pants. Your sister would do this or your mom would do this? Well, I think it was my sister. I don't know if my mom was in on it. Right. We devised this plan so that he would match instead of embarrassing himself by wearing, you know, things that. Right. Because. Was that a real, was that a real, excuse me, excuse me, I'll have order, Jason. I'm talking to your mother. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Was there a real problem with clashing? Well, no, that was back when he used to wear clothes, you know, that he didn't buy at Goodwill.

Is that a problem for you? No, it's the things he chooses, maybe. You know, like, say he has a T-shirt that says the Brubaker reunion from 1985. Why would he wear that, you know? That was an awesome reunion. You weren't there? He doesn't know. No, he didn't know who they were.

He doesn't know. Well, how old are you, Jason? You're 30, you said? I'm 30, yes. Yeah, you probably would have been a little young for that reunion, but it was great. Forgive me, ma'am,

but that's a T-shirt of that kind representing a family reunion that you did not go to, or a hilarious Michael Bolton tour that you would never see, even if it were happening this year instead of in 1991. That is not an unusual thing for a young person to wear these days. And you consider 30 young? Oh.

That's completely different. You know, I mean, you know. Right. College, college, they do that. Right. Oh, right. College, college. They do that. Right. Right. Yeah. In the working world.

Yeah. But in the working world, and I say that with great respect and appreciation, but in the working world that he lives in, what do you wear to work, Jason? Our uniform is usually like some type of khaki pants. And then we have black shirts with our company logo on them. Right. Blackwater. Do they say Blackwater on them? No. No? It just says Braxis. Really? It says Braxis? It does. The Gnostic god of good and evil combined? I have no idea. Well, Google it. I'm going to, to make sure I know what I'm talking about, because I'm not sure. Well, Google it. I'm going to, to make sure I know what I'm talking about, because I'm not sure. Boy, you know, I feel like we need to do a special episode just on the creepy

private kids prison that you work at. But we're not talking about wardrobe, and we're not talking about private detention centers. We're talking about farting. I think that I know where I stand on this issue. I'm going to go to my chambers and think it over a little bit more and privately admit some flatus where it belongs, and then I will come back to you and I will tell you my decision. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Jason, you brought this case. How do you feel about your chances? You know, I feel great. I haven't really felt this certain about victory since I played my little seven-year-old nephew in a little bit of one-on-one basketball. I feel confident. I'm not so sure. How about you, Faith?

Well, you know, the etiquette books are all out there. You know, I don't know how. He doesn't have a chance. He really doesn't. Okay. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom. Thank you. May I stop farting? There is one main issue here, and then there are a couple of side issues, and I'm going to rule on them separately. First, on the issue of flatulence obviously jason this is a natural bodily

function everyone knows that even i dare say your mother she is familiar with flatulence she doesn't need you coming home from college talking all are farting ourselves about the beauty of flatulence her house her rules if she wants you to say excuse excuse me, please say, excuse me. That's ridiculous. Just do what she asks. She's your mom. That said, I will say I have never, ever, ever heard a hard and fast rule about what you should say after you fart. So for the listeners at home, generally speaking, I think the accepted convention is don't fart in front of other people if you can help it. Jason, I don't know if you are farting provocatively in this home just to spark a fight about your love life. But if that's happening, don't do that. Just go in the other room, and then you can say whatever you want in private and then come back.

But if you do fart in your mom's house, in her presence, I encourage you to say, excuse me, that's what she likes. You only have one mom. That almost always overrules any matter of law or precedent. You only have one mom. Now, that said, there are some other issues here that have come up. I think, mom, your card to your son, encouraging him to find a daughter-in-law in the most passive-aggressive way, is one of the most hilarious and endearing things that I've ever seen in my life. I encourage you to continue to send such cards to him.

But you should be aware that your son is not unusual. He has simply chosen an alternative lifestyle known as being an American man in the year 2011. It is okay for him to take his time in finding a mate and to court his mates with his ironic t-shirts. They may not be the mates that you like. Other hipsters sometimes make for interesting daughter-in-laws, but that is his prerogative. And I think that if he sincerely would like you to not send him invitations to internet dating services, that's something I think you should respect. That is my personal opinion. You guys can work this out. It's not a matter of law. It's not

what you brought to the table. But I will also turn to you, just going with it, McFarter. Listen to me. You are 30 years old. Your mom pointed out. That is young to me. I'm about to turn 40, but you are on the cusp of a new kind of adulthood in which it is, um, you can, you can cut your hair whatever way you want. You can fart wherever you want. You can do whatever you want, but what it is becoming unseemly to do is complain about your mom in this way. Like she just won't leave me alone. Um, so I think that, you know, you've had your chance to rebel a little bit and grow your dumb mustache and to wear your keys around your neck and do other things. Now it's time to just relax a little. You've been holding these grudges in for a long time. They are causing you pain and discomfort.

It's time for you to release these grudges out into the world, say excuse me, and acknowledge that your bodily function is now complete. Do you understand what I'm saying, Jason? I can relate, yes. This is the sound of a gavel. Fart sound. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

So, here's my question for you, Jason. Do you feel vindicated by this decision? Yeah, I guess it wasn't exactly what I expected, but I do feel like a sense, almost like it was a cathartic experience. A cathartic experience, if you will. A sense of relief, if you will. Are you talking about the Greek dramatic term, kafartsis?

Yes, yes. Jason, are you going to change your life now that you've received this decision? Well, when I'm around my mother, I will. You know there are other people in the world besides your mother, right? Right, right, right. But I think there's a lot of people who find it quite hilarious and endearing. Well, we'll see how you do on that, Pat. Okay, I'll let you know.

Faith, how are you feeling about this whole situation? I'm feeling pretty good. You know, I feel like it is time for him to grow up and put those kinds of things behind him, you know, the elementary thing? I think, ma'am, the problem, and I feel this with you, is that it is not uncommon at all these days for a 30-year-old to act like an infant. And I say that to you because I am wearing a little Lord Fauntleroy outfit right now. And a big, giant lollipop.

Are you married? I am. I am. And I have two lovely children. And I'm bringing them by for dinner next Sunday. Thanks, Jason. Thank you for being on the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast. Thank you, guys.

It's the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast. We are now retired to chambers. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Yeah, let me just open some of these windows here. It's been a long day in Chambers, if you know what I mean. Yeah, absolutely. I've had a lot of pizza rolls. It was hard-boiled eggs and pinto beans in the cafeteria for lunch. Exactly so. I've just been sitting here eating deviled eggs for hours. cafeteria for lunch. Exactly. So I've just been sitting here eating deviled eggs for hours.

Listen, we have a couple what you might call points of personal privilege cases here on the docket that we could clear out if you like, Judge Hodgman. I sure would like to clear that docket. Let's go. OK, here's one from Christopher. He writes, my question is one of the sneezing variety. I worked in the restaurant business for a few years, and I was always told to sneeze into your hands, but then immediately excuse yourself to go to the restroom to wash them. That's what I've been told in training courses in one of the nicer restaurants in Birmingham, Alabama. Hang on, hang on, hang on one second. one second. I'm just busy taking a black sharpie over every Birmingham, Alabama restaurant in my restaurants to try book. Okay, go on. I brought this bit of information up at a social gathering and my roommate argued that one should never blow into your hands, but rather into your shoulder, elbow, or wherever else. He decided to call a family friend of his girlfriend's who owns a restaurant

to see what he said, and he sided with the roommate. So, when you have to sneeze, should you sneeze into your hands, then immediately wash them, or should you sneeze somewhere else, such as into the crook of your arm? You should sneeze into the crook of your arm or into your shoulder. That is how they do it in hospitals. That is how they do it in good restaurants that are not in Birmingham, Alabama. I have never, in the years of working in food service that I have spent,

and in the years talking to people that I know who work in hospitals, this always comes up, and I have never, ever, ever, ever heard of someone saying, yeah, sneeze into your hands, and then go man the salad bar, won't you? Then go fluff the radishes in the salad bar. No, you know, you sneeze into the crook of your arm and then go to the crook of your arm wash station and immediately disinfect it. I would refer Christopher to Dr. Martin Luther King's famous letter from a Birmingham restaurant. Here's one from John. Letter from a Birmingham restaurant.

Here's one from John. He says, my wife says you have to call your mom on her birthday or even get her a birthday present. I believe you don't have to because she already has a day. Mother's Day. My wife calls me a terrible person for not calling my mom on her birthday. We request arbitration by Judge John Hodgman. So do you have to call your mom on her birthday? Yes. And you are a terrible person. Not you, Jesse. This other person, John.

Yes. Call your mom on your birthday. What's wrong with you? You know, one of my mottos for the Judge John Hodgman podcast is watch out for that which you wish. And also, you only have one mom. Here's a truly monumental point of personal privilege. Joe writes, he says he's a 35-year-old balding male with a widow's peak hairline. He says, for much of my adult life, I've kept my hair short as it hides my baldness

and gives me an air of militaristic authority. Part of me, though, longs for a head full of brown flowing curls much like the hair of gene wilder in willy wonka i've casually mentioned to my wife that i would like to wear a wig and she did not seem enthusiastic about it so i have not yet asked for it to be entered into our household budget however not a day goes by without me wondering if a wig would improve my look and help further my career. Um, you may have heard what sounded like fire engines going by and loud sirens and screaming, wailing horns. As you were reading that, that was the sound of my brain

exploding. Dude, get yourself that wig. You will never, ever, ever stop wondering what it will be look like to look like Gene Wilder unless you have the wig. Now, for some of us, we know what it would be look, what it would be like to look like Gene Wilder. You'd look like Gene Wilder, and that's not a choice we would like to make. You clearly are wild or curious, and there's very minimal offense. You've got to get that wig. You've got to put it on. You've got to see what you look like.

You've got to show your wife what it looks like, see how it makes you feel. I think you'll come to the conclusion that a shaved head is better, but you need to explore this. So I rule in the favor of your dream wig, man. Go for it. And if the household budget is a problem, might I suggest that a letter to Mr. Filbert Spector, care of the Twin Towers Correctional Facility in Los Angeles, California, might be profitable, as I heard he might have a few that he's not using. Yeah, and there are also various mops and interesting kinds of pasta that could be used just to give you a basic visual sense of what

you would be getting into before you buy an authentic human hair Gene Wilder wig. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. This one goes out to Vernon Reed. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support this show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support this show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith

and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Matt Gourley. His great podcast, by the way, is called Super Ego. You can find it in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at AreasOfMyExpertise.com. If you have a case for

Judge John Hodgman, email us and be sure and include your telephone number. The email address is hodgmanatmaximumfund.org. If you have thoughts about the show, you can always comment on it on our message board, forum.maximumfund.org. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.