Judge John Hodgman - The Wedding Clashers

Episode Date: February 22, 2012

John and Lindsay are a married couple with two weddings to attend on the same day -- John's childhood best friend's and Lindsay's cousin's. Which argument will win? Family obligations, long-seated freindship, the better party? Only Judge Hodgman can decide.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, the wedding clashers. John and Lindsay are married and have several elementary school-aged children. John brings the case. A few months ago, he received a save-the-date card for the wedding of one of his closest friends. Recently, his wife informed him that that day would also be the wedding of her cousin, who was one of her bridesmaids. Geography will make it impossible for them to attend both of these important events. Which wedding should they go to? Should they travel together or split up? Only one man can decide.

Please rise as the Honorable Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Justice. Justice is what brings us together today. Justice, that blessed arrangement, that dream within a dream. Swear them in, Jesse Fawn. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever?

I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he was married in a Viking ceremony aboard a burning ship? I do. I do. Very well. Judge Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he was married in a Viking ceremony aboard a burning ship? I do. I do. Very well. Judge Hodgman? Who brings this case before my court?

I do, Judge. And your name is? John Valente. Hello. Well, no last names, please. Could we bleep that out? No, you know what? It's too late now. Leave it in. This is your punishment, your internet punishment. Now, John Valenti, what is your email address? It's actually my social security number. John, do you recognize, for an immediate summary judgment in your favor, which one of you recognizes the quote that I was paraphrasing when I entered the courtroom? John?

Unfortunately, I do not judge. Okay. And who is your bride? Lindsay. Lindsay. Also named Valenti. Yep. Very well.

Do you recognize, for a summary judgment? We could wrap this up right here. We could take care of this right here in Brainerd. No. No. And do either of you recognize the reference I'm making when I say we could take care of this right here in Brainerd? Can't say that I do. Okay. Well, I first of all make a summary judgment and an injunction and a court order that you should go watch The Princess Bride right now.

I will wait until you come back. How was the movie, guys? Don't they actually say have fun storming the castle in that movie? Okay, you're trying to influence me at this point, and I will not accept. I will not be corrupted by you. Okay. And as far as my take care of this right here in Brainerd, the first person who writes to me at hodgman at maximumfund.org with the answer

will get a free Judge John Hodgman t-shirt. If you can correctly identify what movie I'm paraphrasing. It's an easy one, guys. What are your ages? I'm 28. You're 28. You should know better. What is your age, John?

I am 27. You also should know better. What is the problem, John, in your viewpoint? With the wedding issue? Yeah. Why are you here? Am I not seeing Princess Bride? Okay.

No, believe me, I know you have a lot of problems, but what is a specific problem that you are bringing to me today? Well, my friend Chris is getting married, and my wife's cousin is also getting married, and they happen to be on the same day. Okay. And they're not marrying each other? They are not, no. That would be a solution?

It would, yes. So your friend Chris, did you say? That's correct. And they're getting married on which day? August 4th. Of this year? Yes. I see.

And you're trying to figure out which wedding to go to? Right. My thought was I'll attend Chris's. My wife, Lindsay, will attend her cousin Shannon's. And Lindsay, what's the problem? Why don't you start by telling me where your husband is wrong? Our anniversary is August 3rd, the day before. Oh, which anniversary is it for you? Our fifth, our fifth year anniversary. Oh, well, that's great. That's the Princess Bride anniversary. And wherever we are not close to home, we're going to have to stay overnight on our anniversary.

And I think that we should be together for our anniversary. And I think we should be going to my cousin's wedding. To his friend's wedding, right? Is that what you were going to say? No, I think we should be going to my cousin's wedding. To his friend's wedding, right? Is that what you were going to say? No, I think we should be going to my cousin's wedding. Oh, really? Well, there's a surprise. Why?

Well, she's family. She's my cousin. She's your family. Yes, but John likes her. We've hung out with her and her fiance. She was in my wedding as well. It's not like a distant cousin. I went to high school with her. I went throughout school with her. We were very close. It's not like a distant cousin. Like I went to high school with

her. I went throughout school with her. We were very close. It's not just a cousin. It's a friend. I see. Yes. Right. Because usually cousins are barely tolerated. Yeah. They're barely tolerated semi enemies, but you like her. Oh, yes. I love her. Okay. And go on, please. No, go on. I was just going to say we have children, and our children are invited to this wedding, too, but they are not invited to the other wedding.

Interesting. Why aren't they invited to the other wedding, John? I believe it's because it's one of those weddings where they don't allow children at them. Yeah. Because you're from the graphic wedding. i think i think that's it yeah um so your your friend the pornographer does not want to have children there i i don't believe so no i say who is this who is this young pornographer that you know and love so well that you would threaten angering your wife's family in order to go to his wedding? We were always friends all since elementary school through high school and beyond.

Where do you live? I live in Oneonta, New York. Okay. And he lives in down in Binghamton, New York. Okay. Okay. And you always hang out together whenever you meet? What's the town directly in the middle where you guys meet? We actually meet back in Binghamton. Okay. the middle where you guys meet uh we actually meet back in binghamton okay is that where you were from originally yes you're from binghamton originally

yes lindsey what do you what do you think about chris um i love him i think he's a great guy actually um even though he hates your children Honestly, he probably doesn't even know all their names. Uh-huh. But, no, I do like him, and I do like hanging out with him. We probably only see him maybe twice a year or so. And how often do you see your cousin? Oh, a lot. Right now, this past couple of months has been different because she's in London studying abroad.

Mm-hmm. Which broad? I'm not sure. This past couple of months has been different because she's in London studying abroad. But usually, I mean, I'm not sure. I'm going to shoot myself in the face for that one. I don't deserve to have a podcast. I apologize, everyone. What is she studying? She's studying art. She's studying art?

Yes. I see. In London. Yep. The birthplace of art um and and who is this who's she marrying um his name is jeremy um he's a great guy he she met him down in new york city where they live i believe i could be wrong with that but you don't even know where they you don't even know where they met it doesn't matter where they met how long have they been together um i want to say two and a half years why do you want to say that because i believe it's right all right this is the sound of a sharpie on a piece of paper

where i'm going to make a tally here of which marriage is better or which which which which marriage will probably be better and more lasting um it's in the shape of a cross uh and i'm going to separate it here we have uh we have chris and what is his fiance's name her name is megan megan how long have you known her how long have i known megan yeah um have you ever met her have you met her before? I have. Yep, several times. So your cousin's name is Shannon, and what is her fiancé's name with a single E? Jeremy. Jeremy, right. Thank you. All right. And what is the name of your pet, your first pet growing up?

And what is the name of the street you grew up on? Is that relevant? I'd be curious bart bart and dixon bart dixon okay very well you say shannon and jeremy have been dating for two and a half years two and one half more round up or round down um i would be honest i'm thinking it's a little bit longer than that okay three years chris and me, how long have they been dating? I would say probably about three as well. I should separate you guys and ask you these questions. Chris and Megan, I presume they met in the adult film industry? Yeah, I think that's where it was. I know she's

a teacher now. She's a teacher and what does he do for a living? He's a police officer. Okay, all right. And where did they meet? I'm not 100% sure. At the Binghamton Annual Police Officer and Teacher Wine Mingle? I think that's probably there, yes. Shannon and Jeremy met in New York City, you say? You know, I said that, but now I don't think that's right. I think they met at school and then they moved to New York City. Are they cohabitating? Well, not right now because she's in London and he's still back there. Were they cohabitating?

Yep. For how long would you say? A year. I see. And Chris and Megan's wedding, where is that going to be? That is going to be in Cayuga Lake, New York. That's a made up lake? As far as I know, it's not. Okay.

Actually, you submitted some evidence here. They have sent a save the date in which they say, please save this date. We'll send you a formal invitation later, but we want to get in ahead of everybody else before you start planning to go to family members' weddings. And it does say here,

Cayuga Lake, New York. Is that a nice lake? Have you ever been there? I haven't been there. I will say probably. Lindsay, has Shannon and Jeremy sent you a save the date card? No, she hasn't really been able

to do much with this because she's been in London. You can't continue to use London as an excuse for everything. I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?

I was in London. So how do you know for sure? How do you know for sure she's getting married on this date? Even my aunt had told me on Christmas Eve to make sure that we clear that day. I see. And where will they be married? In Ithaca, New York. In Ithaca, New York.

And just to confuse things, it's on Cayuga Lake. Which is? Shannon's wedding. Yeah. So it's Cayuga versus Cayuca? That's correct. How far away are these two weddings? Ten minutes away?

No, a couple hours. A couple hours away, I see. This is really a pretty even matchup. couple hours away, I see. This is really a pretty even matchup. Why do you not like this idea of splitting up the weddings, Lindsay? Well, I have two main reasons. I know you said the thing about your anniversary, but that's a straw argument, isn't it? You're just using that as emotional blackmail to get him to go with you to the wedding you want to go to, correct? No, I really feel we should be together. We're always together for our anniversary. We're usually down vacationing,

but we're changing it this year so that we can go to the wedding. Where would you normally go? To Myrtle Beach. Oh, yeah, that's fantastic. Why don't you have one of your friends get married there? If we could, we would. Okay.

But no, really, I really just, I think we should be together for our five-year anniversary. Like I said, we'll be there the night before. And also, it's family. You know what I mean? It's my family. It's not just people we see once in a while. It's people that I'm pretty close to.

Why do you hate her family, John? I don't hate her family. I think, first of all, Chris asked me first. He's the one that I heard about his wedding first on the date. So already it was kind of set that that was where we were going. And then when Lindsay's aunt mentioned it was the same day, the first thought was, you know, uh-oh, because I already knew Chris's was coming up. Right. I don't hate her family.

I do, again, it was the up. I don't hate her family. I do, again, it was the matter of I heard about his first. Which is going to be the cooler reception? I think Chris's because I'll have more friends and things there that I think I'd have more, I don't know, friendly social time at as opposed to Lindsay's family's. But I will admit that I think Lindsay's family's wedding would also be a good time. Lindsay, why is your cousin's wedding going to be so much better? My family, they love to party. I mean, especially my aunt, whose daughter is getting married. They're

big partiers. What are we talking about? Electric slide? No, chicken dance. They're ones that like to go to concerts and the grassroots and they just they celebrate life. And I like how how they are. And I'm not. Hold on. Yeah. You say they'd like to go to a grassroots concert. These people are out of control. Yes. What are these long hairs? I think the association is playing down in Virginia. You should probably go down and see them. You submitted some evidence here of your wedding, right? Yes.

Okay. So there's a picture here that I have of John wearing all white. I presume because he's a priest in the Latter-day Saint faith, right? It actually, I think, was a pink vest, if I recall. Well, you recall incorrectly. If this is a picture from your wedding that you submitted, you should either check your camera or check your head. Because I see you here. This is you in the middle, right?

That's correct. Looking not at the camera. Looking not at the camera. Because you're over there going, I wonder what my friend Chris is doing over there. I want to go party with him. I don't want to be married anymore. I've been married for five minutes. I got to get out of here.

I got to go to some no kid fun wedding. I'm getting crowded by all these people around. And you are crowded by a bunch of people around you. I am. Are any of these people your bride in this photo? I know she she's not she's not in the photo that you sent me that's correct i see but chris is there isn't he he is what's he doing in the background uh big smile yeah looking looking crazy open mouth got that big open mouth smile you sent me another picture of him too, right? Yes.

And this one, you're sort of obscured by his big melon head. That's correct. I don't want to get in trouble with this guy. He is an officer of the law. Now, I notice his tongue is protruding in this picture. Yes. Yeah. And what is the reason for that?

I guess. Does he have a condition? No. Does he have tardive dyskinesia. Does he have tardive dyskinesia? Does he have tardive dyskinesia? Because he's taking too many psychotropic drugs for schizophrenia? No, I don't believe so. Or is he just wacky? I think he's just wacky.

What kind of guy is going to hold a wacky wedding? And you sent me some pictures, Lindsay, of you and your wedding party. Yes. Yep. And you look beautiful, by the way. Thank you. The bridesmaids are all wearing pink. Yeah. Maybe that's what you were thinking of, John. Yeah. He didn't wear a pink vest. He wore a white vest. The men wore the pink vest. Let me tell you. Oh, right. He wore a white vest to match your white dress. Yes. And then your bridesmaids wore beautiful pink dresses. Yes.

And then his groomsmen all wore pink vests in order to completely emasculate them? Basically. I see. I see. Very well. And then you have another photo of you here with some other women, one of whom is your cousin. Is that correct? Yep. That was the rehearsal dinner. Okay. Which one of these lovely young women is your cousin? Would you know her by sight? woman is your cousin? Would you know her by sight? She is the one right next to me. Let's see. I'm the second one. She's the third one. From the left? Yep. Looking right in the camera? Yes.

Lovely. And she's studying art? She's going to be an artist? I guess so. Okay. So are they going to have a band or a DJ? I'm not really sure yet. I would assume probably a band. John, band or DJ at Chris's wedding? I'm going to say DJ, but I don't know for sure. He's going to play a little Bust a Move? Probably. Young MC, right? What's going to be played? What are the big songs going to be? I think the wedding party's coming out to KRS's One Sound of the Police.

Whoa, what? No, not really. Oh, you shouldn't say these things to me. You almost won this case. Like that. I wouldn't even gone into chambers. Whoop, whoop. That was the sound of you winning the case.

Wow. Don't say such things to the judge, please. Don't toy with my emotions that way my apologies oh all right go on what do you what are the big jams that are gonna be that chris is gonna be busting out from college that all of your college buddies well not college but high school friends are gonna be getting up and dancing to right i don't know i think he might be a country fan to be honest with you. Okay. Yeah.

This is this enemy crossing a lot of things out. Oh, man. I'm crossing this out so hard, I'm getting a little bit high from my Sharpie pen. Okay, I think I have everything I know to make my decision. I'm going into chambers. I'll be back in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. John, you're not related to this guy. I'm not, no. Your wife is related to her cousin. Right, so I think she should be at that one,

and I can go, you know, with my friend. Are you related to your wife? I am. Are you related to your wife's relations now? Yeah, legally, yes. Isn't blood thicker than water? I suppose it is, yes. What does blood thicker than water mean?

I don't really know. I don't know. I'll have to get back to you, I guess. Lindsay, do you think that if John goes to this wedding, he's just going to go and get drunk with his buddies and leave you with your cousin and all of your family and all of your children on your anniversary? Oh, yes. How does that make you feel? I'm annoyed. But I'm used to it. No'm just kidding john john yeah no that's i i i didn't

have that plan necessarily but you know whatever happened happened i guess wait a minute what do you mean that did that wasn't your plan it was precisely your plan i I'm sorry. Sorry, Bill. Jesse, I was listening at the door of my chambers. I didn't have that plan. Jesse, bring me back in. I want to talk to these children. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom. And this time he means business. Now, OK, you can be seated.

Now, you know what? Stand up again. John, what are you talking about? It wasn't your plan to go off with your friends and get loaded and leave your wife with your children at the family wedding that you know is going to be more boring than the one you're going to go to. I think my qualm with that was the getting loaded part. I think my qualm with that was the getting loaded part. You know, if it happened, it happened. But it was more to sharing the day with my friends, I guess.

Yeah. If it happens, it happens. If it happens, it happens. Because there's not, you know what, who knows? There might not even be any drinking at a police officer's wedding. Who knows? It could be a dry sit-down affair. See, both of you are being a little bit disingenuous because you're suggesting, John, this is a purely equitable arrangement that you're

proposing, right? Where you are just going to go to your friend's wedding and she goes to her cousin's wedding. Everyone gets what they want. But in fact, what you're getting is a vacation and what your wife is left doing is honoring a family commitment as well as having fun. I'm sure. And I'm sure your kids will probably have a great time at the cousin's wedding because there are probably other kids around from your family, right?

Lindsay. Yes. Right. Yep. But Lindsay, you will also earn the ire of this courtroom for being disingenuous around this anniversary thing. Because the weddings are not happening on your anniversary, nor are they a destination such that you can't enjoy your

anniversary together privately the way you usually do, just not at Myrtle Beach this time. So that was just purely emotional manipulation. Will you stipulate to that, Lindsay? No, I still feel that we should be together that night for our anniversary, and we wouldn't be. But why would you not be? Because we would be staying overnight. Right. But let's just say that I were to rule in favor of John and allow you to split these weddings up. The weddings, how far away from these weddings are you? You're not very far away, right? Like two hours. So you could go the morning of. Yeah, we're just, we're not sure what time they're at.

Well, you don't know anything about Shannon's wedding at all. You don't even know. Just as much as I know about Chris's. Chris is invested in a rather cheesy looking save the date card. Yes, cheesy looking, but still, that's an investment. He might have gone to a website and had them print these things. He might've gone to a website and had them print these things. He may have gone to a mall and had them print out, save the date cards to send out. My cousin likes to save paper, I guess, but the word, the word got around.

Listen, I'm going to ask you one last question before I render my decision. And there's still a chance to save. I should say there's still a chance to sway me on this. I want you to think for a moment before you answer this question, and I want you to try to be honest, really with your gut. Which marriage is going to last longer? John? is going to last longer. John. I feel they both have equal chance, honestly. I know Shannon and Jeremy have lived together.

They've kind of gotten over that hump. Chris and Megan, they've lived together for a couple years now. I don't know. I think they have equal chances, honestly. Lindsay. I'd have to say the same thing. They both seem to have found a good match with each other. I've never seen either of them fight. Okay.

You're both good people. Neither of you are monsters. You said the right thing. No matter what you might think in your hearts, you were right not to make a call like that on an open podcast after you've given your last name. on an open podcast after you've given your last name. But I ask because when I was a youth and my friends and colleagues and peers and family members of my age were all getting married in a huge flurry of matrimonial bliss and weekend obligations, this would come up fairly often. There were lots of double booking of marriages.

And in particular, there was one, my very, very dear old friend, Charles, arguably my best friend from high school, was getting married across the country. And my girlfriend at the time, she's now my wife, and I had a conversation about whether she would be able to take the time off to also go to this wedding. And she was very torn because she had a family obligation to go to that same weekend. And her mother said to her, well, I can understand why you may want to go, but there will be other Charles's weddings, dear. And her mother was absolutely right. Sometimes I ask the hard question

because sometimes these youthful marriages, you guys are not real, real young, but you're still in your 20s, can be a little bit short-lived. And Charles, of course, now a single person again, and probably will have another wedding that my now wife can go to. But in this case, so that's why I was asking these questions about which wedding not just was going to last longer, but which wedding was going to be at least more interesting for you to go to. Band versus DJ, location, length of relationship,

whether you guys foresaw the same strength of bond. And it does seem that both of these are cruelly evenly balanced. They've both been together for three years. They've cohabitated. They've tested their relationship. And they're both in parts of New York State that aren't that far away from each other. They're both on lakes. There's nothing really to tip the balance. And so I have to finally side on the side of family obligation. John, you made a commitment when you got married, not just to love and honor your wife, but to attend a lot of family

dumb things that you have to do, even though you don't want to. You were taking her family into your own as she is taking yours family into her own family. And that is all part of that commitment that you guys made when you got married. And it's a shame because it sounds like Chris is going to have one crazy wedding. But unfortunately, unless there is some prevailing reason to not go to this family wedding, I'm afraid it trumps your friend. And therefore, I have to, your friend, and therefore I have to, on the matter of the wedding, find in favor of your wife, Lindsay. That said, I will say this. Lindsay, how would you feel if John came to the wedding, attended Shannon's wedding,ended dinner at the reception. And then once the dancing started, left to go to Chris's reception.

I guess we just have to wait and see what time the weddings are at. My families are notorious for having later ones. So, I mean, this wedding might not even go off until maybe even six at night. I don't know. Maybe midnight. Yes. Well, I would suggest that you explore that as a compromise if the timing works out. Because, you know, this is his friend.

And it would be great for him to be able to at least raise a glass to his oldest friend on the night of his wedding. But I do find in favor of Shannon. I do find in favor of you being a husband and a father first over being a drinking buddy to your friend. And I also enjoy Shannon that you allow John to stay out all night at whatever bachelor event is, is planned for Chris. If he is not able to go to the reception, does that make sense? Yes.

All night. I'm not saying he has to stay out all night. Yeah. Well, he's not even in the wedding, so we'll see how that goes. Whoa. John, is that true?

You're not even in the wedding? No, I'm not in the wedding. That's correct. All right. Then I change my whole ruling. You're going to go to Shannon's wedding. You are going to have a good time there. You're going to wear the pink vest there.

But then when you find out about Chris's bachelor party, you're going to put on the black vest. You're going to drive out there. You're going to knock down the door and go, what the hell? And then you're going to have a great night. I can agree to that. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules.

That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Well, John, you didn't win, but at least it was verified that you're not a bad person. I can appreciate that. And feeling that this might be one of the outcomes, I can live with it. You had a feeling this might be one of the outcomes in i can live with it you had a feeling this might be one of the outcomes in the sense that there was only three choices right exactly lindsey how are you feeling right now pretty good i mean i feel bad that he can't go to the wedding

but no you don't no you don't no you don't at all sorry i'm listening of course you don't because i was looking forward to that wedding too you were? Yeah, it just happens that they're both at the same time, or well, the same day. Everybody knows that nobody loves a wedding like a wife. It is your job, John, to go to that cousin's wedding and to watch your children dance hilariously and to hold the car keys and let your wife go crazy with her cousin. That is the husband's job at a family wedding. I can manage that. I know you can. John, Lindsay, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Thank you. Thanks, guys. Have fun at the wedding. Judge Hodgman, can I ask you a serious question? Sorry, I was just doing the chicken dance. The best part of any wedding is the chicken dance. I just wanted to ask you a serious question. Oh, okay, sure. I feel like...

No, don't do like... I get it. I understand. I know that I'm doing the dance, okay? Okay. Can I ask you the question now? Yeah. How about this? Next time we come...

When it comes around again, I won't clap and you ask the question. Just ask the question. Here's my question. I feel like, you know how they're always talking about how all your friends are always getting married in your mid and late 20s? Yes, that's true. I recently turned 30, and a lot of my wife's friends got married, but none of my friends got married.

Oh. So you never had the problem that John and Lindsay Valenti of upstate New York had. No, we just went to my wife's friend's weddings. Well, that's one way to solve this problem. Make sure that all of your friends... Are man-children? Are idiot man-children who cannot progress in life

or form meaningful long-term relationships. Children who cannot progress in life or form meaningful long-term relationships. Let's clear these. We've got all these docket cases. Okay. Here's something. This one is unsigned, but it says, Over five years ago, my friend Nunk and I... Nunk.

Is this a letter from the 15th century? My friend Nark and I got into an argument over what constitutes a deviled egg. It began this way. Part of Nunk's lunch was a modest quantity of deviled egg.

I asked Nunk if I could have a deviled egg. He said I could have half a deviled egg. So I picked up and ate what I took him to mean, which is one half of an egg's worth of deviled egg. Nunc's argument is that deviling one egg yields two deviled eggs. My argument is that one deviled egg is one egg deviled, which is correct. First of all, as Nunc is a cord wiener from the 15th century, he surely knows that a deviled egg is simply

any egg that is laid by a witch. That is why deviled eggs sink when you throw them in the river. No, they float. Witch eggs float like witches. That was the test. Non-witches would sink. Witches float.

Right, that's right, because otherwise, because you kill it if it floats, and then it dies if it sinks. Yeah. It's a die-die situation. That's why witches always float, and that's why they used the first boats were built with witches on the bottom. That's actually

what the ancient Polynesians used to get to Hawaii. Exactly so. So, in any case, a deviled egg, okay, the argument is whether or not a deviled egg is a one-hole hard-boiled egg cut into with the yolk then deviled, that is to say spiced and put through piping to look pretty. Is it two pieces of deviled egg and deviled, that is to say spiced and put through piping to look pretty. Is it two pieces of deviled egg and deviled egg, or is each half an individual deviled egg? And the answer is each half is an

individual deviled egg. You can no longer protect the integrity of the whole egg because all of the yolks in your batch of deviled egg have been mixed together with spices that is called deviling. And once all that's mixed together, the whole egg no longer is an operating factor. Each individual piece, a serving of deviled egg is one half of a hard-boiled egg with that frothy, yolky, spicy mixture that is so disgusting and delicious inside. That is a deviled egg. If you consider half of a deviled egg to be one bite of that deviled egg that you then give back to your friend, you are disgusting. If you are still concerned about how one egg becomes two eggs,

well, that's all part of the bedevilment. That's all the cases that we have on the docket, but I want to take this opportunity to tell people how they can have their case heard. You can write me via email at Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. That's H-O-D-G-M-A-N at MaximumFun.org. Or you can also go to MaximumFun.org slash J-J-H-O. That's J-J-Ho for Judge John Hodgman, where there's a handy form where you can tell me about your dispute. We're looking for real disputes. Real disputes.

Things where the participants actually have emotional investment in the matter, whether it's you and your romantic partner, you and a friend, you and a local merchant. I would love to have you and a local merchant. The key element here is that you're both willing to come on and have your dispute adjudicated by Judge John Hodgman and that you're both invested in the outcome of the case. We don't want anybody who's trumping up cases just to come on this program. We want people who really care about the dispute because, frankly, we don't want to offer opinions on the matter of justice

when the disputants themselves may not be invested in the actual outcome. Easy there, Bailiff Jesse. Seriously, he gets very worked up about this. I just care a lot about justice. And he carries a sap and a nightstick. So the reality is that we do try to adjudicate fairly actual disputes, and I will never simply make a judgment for my own personal amusement, except in the one case where I ordered that woman to take a second husband. But that was a rare anomaly. So I do look forward to hearing your disputes and talking to you. And if you think that I'm going to be mean to you, I will be a little mean to you. But it is all born out of judicial affection.

It is a very pleasant experience to come on the program. Trust us. And boy, oh boy, the green room is fantastic. Maximumfun.org slash JJ Ho. You can see what disputes qualify, and you can also email us at Hodgman at Maximumfun.org. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is a production of Maximumfun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show

and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at forum.maximumfund.org and our Facebook group at facebook.com slash judgejohnhodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.