Judge John Hodgman - This Is The Name Of Your Mullet

Episode Date: April 26, 2023

It’s time to clear the docket! This week, we're taking on NAMING DISPUTES! Who has the naming rights to an inflatable dinosaur? What to name a mullet? And how many names of different Alpha Flight members can John and Jesse come up with?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Me, I'm Bill of Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week to clear the docket. And with me is Brooklyn's own Judge John Hodgman. brook linen zone judge john hodgman had a wonderful sleep last night ready to name some people places and things emphasis on people this is a big responsibility jesse thorne naming is power naming is very powerful and uh that's why humans get to rename themselves in case their names are wrong. But today no one has more power than the court of judge John Hodgman because people have brought things to be named. And I'm not going to say, do whatever you like.

I'm going to tell you, this is going to be named this. And that's going to be binding Jesse Thorne, unless you're a human, in which case you can change your name. Yeah. Or the name of the thing or the backyard pub that you've built in Des Moines, Iowa. We're going to name a lot of different things, Jesse.

Do you like your name, Jesse Thorne? I do. It's pretty cool. I've always liked my name. Yeah. One time someone told me it sounded like a secret agent. And since then, I've been completely on board. It's a really cool, that is a really cool name for a character in a book.

Now, my name is John Hodgman. It is also my dad's name. I've never had any problem with it whatsoever. The only problem I have with it is when people think that my name is Jonathan, which it is not. And people think they're being cutesy by being extra formal with me. And they go, well, Jonathan, you're wrong about something. No, my name is John and I'm always right. But I did have to make a choice when I became, um, when I became a person who had a thing published in a magazine, what was my byline going to be? Was it going to be John Hodgman

or John K. Hodgman or John Kellogg Hodgman, as that is my middle name? Or Jonathan Livingston Siegel. Second time in a week that's come up. Isn't that weird? It's very weird. It's very weird. Very obscure. What kind of a spiritual novel of the 60s? Is that what that was? I think it was from the 70s. I feel like it is one of those things from the 70s that was monumentally popular that I know only as a thing that people who were alive in the 70s talk about sometimes. The other is the, I believe, television miniseries and possibly novel The Thorn Birds.

Oh, sure. Starring Richard Chamberlain. There you go. Jesse the Thorn Birds. Oh, sure. Starring Richard Chamberlain. There you go. Jesse the Thorn Bird's thorn. It was a great time for television miniseries. Especially if it was starring the incredibly handsome Richard Chamberlain. I hope he's not a creep. Seems like a charming guy. Jonathan Livingston's seagull.

Was that the name of a seagull or a guy? I think it was the name of a seagull because when i've seen it in thrift stores there's a picture of a seagull on it all right john kellogg hodgman probably i'm i like that name a lot and probably i should have used it as my official name in print but the thing is i got i got a little bit secretive i gotta build like kellogg is like my secret middle name feels weird for me to even say it right now out loud, letting all these people know. Names have that kind of power. Do you have a middle name, Jesse? I have two middle names. All of my names to me symbolize conflict between my parents

who were soon to divorce acrimoniously. Yeah. Two middle names will often suggest there's a lack of decision-making, maybe a not seeing of eye to eye. I think my birth was imminent and my parents sat down with a Bible, despite not being especially religious, and went through the names and picked some. And I think my full name is Jesse Michael Gabriel Thorne. And I know that once my father alluded to the fact that my godfather, Michael, had a pressure campaign to have his name included, which God bless him. He's a wonderful man, 82 years old, still an avid churchgoer and avid leather daddy who always wears his big black leather suspenders. All right. Even with his little gentle sort of Flanders-y rest of his outfit.

San Francisco's cool. Hi diddly ho, fellow bears. Exactly. Sometimes he wears one of those, you know those like cab driver hats? Not yellow, but like motorcycle guy hats with the little bill on them like Marlon Brando would wear? Sure. Sure, of course. My church-loving godfather, Michael, absolutely wears one of those hats at age 80-whatever.

I guess when he's hoping to get picked up at a leather bar. That's a terrific namesake. And if I'm using the term namesake incorrectly there, don't write me a letter. I'll figure it out eventually. Is Michael the namesake of Jesse or Jesse the namesake of Michael? It doesn't matter. Look it up. Don't correct me. Even though your names maybe remind you of certain

conflicts in your past, in your familial past, when I hear Michael and Gabriel, I'm like, that makes sense to me that Jesse's got not one but two little angels inside of him. Kellogg, look, my lineage goes back indirectly to a, a health food quack who invented cornflakes and a Benoni Kellogg, who was a traveling minister in New England. I actually, and now a terrible company, terrible anti-labor company, but I do not, I do not actually have a direct link to the kellogg cereal corporation i i am not the heir to a battle creek michigan fortune as far as i know but i wish i maybe i

wish i put my name if i were like john kellogg hodgman the people would remember that like john hodgman you get the on the ah in there and it's a little bit it's like like it's hard to say judge john hodgman no. No one can ever say John Hodgman is where I get most, what I get most. John Kellogg Hodgman would be a great name for the New York Times Magazine or for, you know, a literary review. I think it might be a little bit tougher of a sell in the world of podcasting with Rhi sounding a bit big for its britches. Seriously? I think you might sound a little fancy.

That's a lot of shade to throw at dooning it with Timothee Chalamet, which is the podcast that Timothee Chalamet is recording about the making of Dune 2, which is definitely spelled D-2-N-E, the letter 2. Dune 2. Anyway, let's name some stuff. Here's a case from Nick in Chicago. My wife Katrina and I have an inflatable dinosaur named T. Reginald, a.k.a. T. Reg. For my birthday, she gave me an inflatable triceratops. I named him Buddy.

It was a name I always had in mind if I ever got an inflatable triceratops. Sometimes long shots pan out. Katrina hates the name Buddy and insists his name should be T-Tops. Who's right? Wow. Well, I know who's right. But first of all, we need to get Nick and Katrina and T-Reg and the soon-to-be-named Triceratops onto a live show in Chicago sometime soon. We need to go to Chicago to do a show just to have them on stage. In the meantime, I'm going triceratops now jesse here i have two questions for you listen to them both first do you have a feeling about this one and before you express your feeling does it make a difference that according to nick

the triceratops not only was a birthday gift to him but that he is the designated dinosaur inflator in the family. Oh, wow. And also Katrina named T-Reg herself and she had T-Reg long before they had met. So that's a predating their relationship. Those are all the facts. So what do you think? I think this inflatable triceratops is essentially the bowling ball that Homer gave to Marge that had Homer inscribed on it. Go on.

I think Katrina is really trying to essentially give herself an inflatable triceratops. Uh-huh. And force upon Nick the name that she prefers. I think T-Tops is a great name. I say they should use it for their 1987 Camaro. But I also think Buddy is a great name, as I do all the classic doc names. I took a lot of airplanes last week. We went on a little family trip and

I'll tell you something that I'm not a fan of. Dad's in their late thirties wearing performance shirts and pants, shorts, steering their male appearing children to the airplane bathroom while constantly referring to them as buddy. Don't care for that. Don't care for that. Very complicated scenario, but sure. Oh, it's maybe it's complicated, but it sure is prevalent when you are flying on airplanes in America during a school vacation week. A lot of kids wearing sports themed garb in the age, uh, you know, like 9 to 11 being referred to by their dads as buddy. Come on, buddy. Let's go over here, buddy.

Don't care for it. Call your kid by his name. It's condescending. Don't care for it. I don't know. I just got on my nerves. That's all I'm going to say. Naming is powerful.

Any dad in a performance top is a problem to me. Yeah. There's a lot of performance wear. You know when you should wear a performance top, John, in my opinion? No. When performance is required. Mm-hmm. If you're in a foot race, for example.

Sure. Wear a performance top. And I get it. Like your son, if it's in this case your son, is your buddy. I get it. Your pals. Pal is better. Buddy is just so, I don't know, just too sporty for me.

I mostly don't like school personnel referring to children as kiddos. Don't care for it either. Like as a group, like the kiddos are doing this. The kiddos are doing that. Well, this kiddo is blah, blah, blah. It gives me the creeps. It's creepy it's a it's one of those terms of quote unquote affection that seem to actually be conveying contempt yeah i mean just say kids

or children or students all those are normal words call a thing what it is yeah this is not this is not your not your buddy you guys aren't buddies. Your child isn't your buddy. I mean, you should be friends with your child, I suppose. He's not your drinking buddy. What about this Triceratops, though? Oh, right. Anyway, the point is I hate the name Buddy. Yeah.

Okay. Hate it. Hate it. Hate the name Buddy. Sorry, Nick. And I love T-Tops. And though I am wary sometimes of matchy-matchy names when it comes to kids in a family, matchy-matchy names when it comes to inflatable dinosaurs in a family feels appropriate. I think T-Reg and T-Tops are two great T-names that go great together.

Katrina's absolutely right. T-Tops is a better name. But I'll tell you what, buddy. I'm talking to you, buddy. Nick. Nick is my buddy. It's his birthday, Triceratops. He is the primary inflator. And he gets to name the Triceratops what he wants. So it's buddy. Sorry about that, Katrina. Here's something from Corey in Regina, Saskatchewan. Yeah. Our daughter's name is Aurora. When brainstorming names for our son, I wanted to put North Star on the list. My wife, Pam, said, no, please rule. I can at least put North Star on the list. Jesse, do you understand the significance of this? North Star and Aurora?

Yeah. So Aurora is a celestial phenomenon with the lights in the sky. And then North Star is a family of high performance engines produced by General Motors between 1993 and 2011. I didn't think that you were going to get it, but wow, yeah. Also, it happens to be the case that Aurora and Northstar are both members of the Marvel Comics Canadian superhero group Alpha Flight. Oh, wow. Well, then they should name their child sasquatch

all right they live in saskatchewan after all but they can't just name they can't just name their child sasquatch now you know my brain is going for the walter langowski that's the alter ego name of sasquatch he's the one who turns into Sasquatch. Don't, don't at me if I'm wrong. I'm feeling pretty good about that. Walter Langowski. Is that right? I think I'm right. Sasquatch. Other members of course were Guardian, Sasquatch, Marina, Northstar, Aurora, Snowbird, Shaman, and Puck, my favorite. He was named after a hockey puck, shaman and puck my favorite he was named after a hockey puck literally a little person who's incredibly athletic and acrobatic and a great brawler and sort of hemingway-esque uh life adventurer who was dressed up as a hockey puck but north star and aurora are brother and sister and north star is the first openly gay character in marvel comics

and those are the two interesting things about those characters otherwise they are dullsville duller than regina all right i said it i said it saskatchewan duller i've been to regina i have a right to say kind of a dull town uh you know the the food festival that happens in Regina recently renamed itself. Did you know that, Jesse? I looked it up. It's now called Taste of Saskatchewan. Oh, I'd like to have a bite of that great province. It used to be called Taste of something else. It had a different name. Regina's Food Festival used to be called a Taste of something else. But anyway.

I'm just excited about all the possibilities for Alpha Flight names. Right now I'm leaning towards Manbot. something else but anyway i'm just excited about all the possibilities for alpha flight names right now i'm leaning towards man bot box box is a great name honestly one of the characters is just named box one of the characters is just named box uh chris claremont and john burn created these characters together originally in x-men but johnne really fleshed them out when he created the Alpha Flight comic in 1983. John, if you're wondering, Groundhog quit after the battle with Egghead's Emissaries of Evil.

The EOEs? Yeah. Yeah, you see a lot of stuff in Alpha Flight. You can't keep, that's not a job for a long time. You know what I mean? It's not a long-term job. It takes a toll on you. I love Alpha Flight.

I love North Star. I love Aurora. I love your desire to put North Star on the list. And it can be on the list, Corey, but it cannot be your child's name. Too matchy-matchy. Too matchy-matchy. You can try to sneak in Jean-Paul, which is North Star's actual name, or Walter Langowski,

or Eugene Judd, which was the name of Puck. Puck's the best character in all of Alpha Flight, bar none, everyone knows it. You can't name your child North Star, you can put it on the list, it will not be approved. No matter what your child's name is, their nickname should be Major Maple Leaf. I don't think that was ever his guardian's name.

Guardian was known as Vindicator. James Hudson? Never mind. Doesn't matter. Died in New Avengers Volume 1, Number 16. Hey, get off the Wikipedia. Get back on script. I'll never get off the Wikipedia for Alpha Flight.

We're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's partners. And for me to find more funny names in this Wikipedia entry, we'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm doing mine off the dome and you're on Wikipedia. That's not fair. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org.

And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep. That's the sound of you learning a sound to happen. Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks.

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Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Beta Ray Bill, honorary member of Omega Flight from Omega Flight number one, 2008. Okay. That's a technicality, but that's from the Thor books. I'm up here coming up with Diamond Lil out of my brain. Wild Child. And I think that's it. I think that's all I got. Smart Alec, A-L-E-C. Yeah, Smart Alec was really smart.

Goblin with a Y. I think that they were the original Omega Flight. They were the bad ones. And then the backup team was Beta Flight. That's where Box was. Box was a person who used a wheelchair and was an incredible inventor. And he created a giant strong robot that he could put his mind into mentally. You know what his last name was?

Box. B-O-C-H-S. I didn't say all off the dome. I don't think there is a character named the dome, though. There should be. That's quite a flex flex uh alter ego of adrian corbo who was depowered on m day i always sit here making fun of you reading the san francisco giants wikipedia page because i respect you i don't I don't need to read it. Here's a case from Nathan.

I like the band Wrinkle Neck Mules. My partner Leah dislikes them because of their name. Please rule. It's fine for Leah to dislike Wrinkle Neck Mules on the merit of their music. But she can't dislike Wrinkle Neck Mules on the basis of their music. But she can't dislike wrinkle-neck mules on the basis of their name. Please stop saying wrinkle-neck. It was bad enough that it's wrinkle-neck mules in my head. Hearing Jesse Thorne say it three times felt like a weird curse.

Yeah. If there had been a mirror here, I would have brought wrinkle neck mules to life. I'm also beginning to appreciate that just, you know, you have one of the greatest voices in all media, but you do say mule as though it has two syllables in it. I just noticed that for the first time. Mule, almost. What would you rather I say, mules? first time mule almost what would you rather i say mools i just mean to say there's no way to make this band sound good unless they sound good now i am grossed out by the name of this i think i don't like thinking about necks i don't like thinking i don't know it's a very it's a touchy subject but particularly people touching my neck don't like it it's a very, it's a touchy subject, but particularly people touching my neck don't like it. It's as someone who probably has a wrinkled neck in his future. I don't care for

that. I'm fine with mules. Not so thrilled about mules, but fine with mules. Put them all together. You got one band that I do not want to listen to, but I'm going to take a listen to them now. I did a little bit of Wikipedia searching. So I do know they're not a particularly controversial band. Wrinkle Neck Mules, according to this, it's an American band from Richmond, Virginia. Their last record was in 2015. And if, what's, Nathan, if you're a member of Wrinkle Neck Mules,

and this is a long trick to try to buzz market your band, your folk rock, indie rock, roots rock, bluegrass band. It worked. All right. I'm going to listen to one Wrinkle Neck Mules song now. Wrinkle Neck Mules. Should I listen to Catfish, Okie Chobie, or Central Daylight Time? Jesse, it's your call.

Do they have a song called On the Nose? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wowie. Your choices again are Catfish. Lonely Banjo. Okie Chobie or Central Daylight Time. Boxcar Tears.

I'm going to give you one more. And this is the one we're going to listen to. Mecklenburg County. Let's go with Mecklenburg County. It wasn't pretty when you said how Across the fields in your nightgown Cursing the doctor, cursing Saul Right on out

Okay. I heard enough. Here's what I'm going to say about Wrinkle Neck Mules. They're fine. They're a good band. I would say that

I never would have sampled their music based on their name because it just sounds like a deformed mule. I would say that I never would have sampled their music based on their name. Because it just sounds like a deformed mule. It just sounds gross to me. And I'm sorry. And perhaps you're aware of this and perhaps there's a reason for it.

But you know, when you name your band, you kind of don't want to gross people out. I order Nathan's partner Leah to listen to some Wrinkled Neck Mules if Leah has not done so already. So that Leah can form their own opinion about the quality of this music. It is possible to not like Wrinkled Neck Mules on the basis of their music. But you must give them five minutes of your time in honor of your relationship with Nathan, who is obviously a fan. And if they're not for you, that's fine. Then you can just say, I don't like wrinkled neck mules. And let that be the last time I ever say those words. In part two of Jonathan Livingston's Seagull,

Jonathan transcends into a reality, which he assumes is heaven, where all seagulls enjoy practicing incredible maneuvers and speeds, as he does. I always feel like the reason I never picked up that book or looked into it any further was it just had the stink of the little prince on it. You know what I mean? A little of that little prince stink. Like popular philosophy, self-actualization philosophy, that some people want really bananas for

never liked that little prince get a real planet get on a big planet hey little prince get a real planet hey get a little bigger, Prince. I don't have a problem with the prince's size. It's fine. He's little. Get on a real planet. Here's a case from Neil in St. Louis Park, Minnesota. I need help naming a one-year-old.

A one-year-old mullet. Now look, I guarantee you that we are going to name some actual kids. I made that promise at the top, and we will do that in Act 3. But now we're talking about naming a mullet? We're talking about a haircut, Jesse? Tell me more. My barber Benny has been caring for my mullet from its very conception. At my last haircut, he asked me if I had named it yet. I had never considered the possibility. I think this mullet needs a cool and badass name. Benny adds it should be gender neutral. Judge and bailiff Jesse, please name my mullet. Now, Jesse Thorne, since you're the king of Wikipedia, you can certainly tell me the surprising fact that I read on Wikipedia today about the popularization of the name mullet for this particular hairstyle,

short on top, business in the front, long on the back, party in the back. I'll give you a hint. According to Wikipedia, it was coined more recently than I would have thought. Really? Yeah. Given the fact of the mullets being associated with so much 70s sports, the term mullet, according to Wikipedia, was coined by none other than Kid Ad-Rock, Mike D, and Adam Yauch, the Beastie Boys, in the 90s. the beastie boys in the 90s i remember mullet as a word and idea sweeping my high school circa 1996 that's what that's when the supposedly the beastie boys started calling that haircut a mullet

but of course that haircut goes back way back and i i did a little research into some of the top mullets because we're going to name we're obviously going to name this mullet I did a little research into some of the top mullets. Cause we're going to name, we're obviously going to name this mullet after some, some iconic mullet or mullet owner. So, you know,

here, here are a couple, here are a couple of big ones. Uh, David Bowie and the Ziggy Stardust phase. One of the top mullets. Sure. Joan Jett,

incredible mullet, incredible person. If you want, uh, something cool and bad-ass, it could go worse than snake plissken and escape from new york andrea agassi is probably the most uh most leonine mullet of all time agassi oh really i was just trying to you want to do it again No. Andrew Augusty, Andy Gusty, the famous tennis player, right? Yeah. Yeah. Canon EOS Rebels spokesman.

Yeah. Beautiful mullet. I'm not doing this off of Wikipedia. I'm doing this off the dome. I'm not looking at the pronunciation guide. Who are some other sports mullets? Any mullets on the San Francisco Giants? Oh, the San Francisco Giants were nothing but mullets. I would say my top Giants mullet may be Rod Shooter Beck. What I like about a baseball mullet is often I'm thinking of one from like 1988, 1990, 1992, when the mullet was long past its cool phase. And a baseball helmet, or I think hockey helmet famously, really emphasizes the mullet was long past its cool phase. And a baseball helmet, or I think hockey helmet, famously, really emphasizes the mullet in a distinctive way. But I like, let's say, a sloppy guy who wears a mullet.

Like there were a lot of sloppy ball players, Rod Beck among them. For a while late in his career, Rod Beck was in AAA, and he just parked his camper outside the AAA stadium and lived there. And famously, before a game, you could stop by Rod Beck's camper in the outfield parking lot and have a beer with him. Wow. Like he'd just toss you a beer. So would you nominate Sloppy as a name for this mullet? That's not a bad name.

I think when I was thinking about great mullets, my brain for some reason, and I don't know if it's the most, like I thought of singular mullets. Jose Canseco had a really singular mullet because he had very straight hair and it was a very weirdly severe mullet because of the straightness of his hair. I think I would always prefer a singular mullet over a double mullet. That's true. Because a double mull would be what? Short on both sides, but long in the front and in the back? But for some reason, my brain landed on the Minnesota Twins of the late 1980s and early 1990s. Great team, won a lot of games in those years with a great core of players,

almost all of whom had mullets. Yeah. Dan Gladden, Rick Aguilera, Jeff Reardon, Frank Sweet Music Viola. There was a whole, there's more too,

but the one that I thought could be the namesake of a mullet was Kent Herbeck. I think Herbeck, H-R-B-E-K. Herbeck is a great name for a mullet. It's gender neutral. Apparently, there's a lot of commercials on Minnesota television for some sort of fishing supply store that he owns. Speaking of fish, a sports player, a basketball player who died very young, sadly,

named Dwayne Shintzius. And I don't know if I'm pronouncing it correctly and I don't want to know was famous for his mullet, which he named, he had to name for his mullet, which was the lobster. And I'll add one more, one more mullet into contention, which is Michael Bolton, New Haven's own Michael Bolton. Do you know that Michael Bolton was rumored to have been an extra in David Lynch's film production of Dune in 1984 and was rumored to have auditioned to be the replacement vocalist for Black Sabbath? Those things are not true. But did you know that Michael Bolton actually was the babysitter of Paula Abdul? True. Wow. I guess opposites really do attract.

That's some mullet history. So the top mullet names we have so far are Ziggy, Jet, Snake, Drugacy, or whatever that tennis player's name is, Bolton, Herbeck, Sloppy, and MC Scat Cat. In the interest of racial diversity, I going to throw in neon deon sanders and i think neon or prime time could be prime time yeah i just went to the top of the list i'm going to make a judgment here these are all great mullet names. And I'll tell you what, what I think you should do, Neil, is make a note of all of them. And in a year or so, shave your head, grow a new mullet, give it a new name, work your way through the list.

Snake, Jet, Ziggy, Herbeck, Sloppy, Primetime. You think that the mullet should be paired back seasonally like a bulb. Yes, indeed. You can do one double mullet, call it the Canseco. And then this mullet, though, I'm going to suggest this name. I'm not going to suggest it. I'm going to order it. The name I'm offering you suggest this name. I'm not going to suggest it. I'm going to order it. The name I'm offering you is Squallow.

It's short for Squallow Mugil Nasutis, which is the Latin name for the fish known as the shark mullet, a.k.a. the sharp-nosed mullet, a.k.a. the Popeye mullet, a.k.a. the skipjack mullet. All of those are good. Shark, sharp-nosed, Popeye, skipet, aka the skipjack mullet. All of those are good. Shark, sharpnose, Popeye, skipjack, squallow. Squallow, the shark mullet, is a fish found in Australia, New Guinea. It feeds on algae and insects taken from the surface. From the surface, you say? Sure. This

fish can breathe air. That's right. This is an air-breathing fish that sometimes moves across land by wriggling i don't think it gets cooler or more badass than squallow the air breathing fish all great mullet names but that's the name of your mullet live it up long live squallow until replaced by primetime you know what i'll agree with squallow primetime as a first and last name too that's also fine in fact that's even better squallow primetime. You know what? I'll agree with Squallow Primetime as a first and last name, too. That's also fine. In fact, that's even better. Squallow Primetime is the name of your mullet meal. Have fun with it. In part three, Jonathan has now amassed a small group of outcasts as flying students with Fletcher, the star pupil, and tells them that, quote, each of us is, in truth, an unlimited idea of freedom.

In truth. I don't even know why The Little Prince bugs me so much. I don't even think I ever read it. All I know is about this like French middle-aged pilot having a midlife crisis symbolized by his crashing in a desert and then getting a new life philosophy from a little kid wearing a military uniform. None of this is OK. This is all creepy. It's a super weird and oddly boring book. And then Bob Fosse shows up as a snake. No thanks. That's the first good part of it I've heard. Let's take a quick break. When we come back, it's finally happening.

We're naming some babies. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-R. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org.

If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne. With me, Judge John Hodgman, the king of the short story. Yeah, you got me dead to rights there, Jesse Thorne with me, Judge John Hodgman, the king of the short story. Yeah, you got me dead to rights there, Jesse Thorne. That's me, John Hodgman, too, published short stories in this world. Ghosting in the Paris Review, number 141,

and Villanova in One Story Magazine, number one. And otherwise, whatever it is that I do, I've been doing it. And I got my start by doing it for McSweeney's.net, the website associated with the literary and humor journal McSweeney's. I hosted many an event for them back in the 90s and throughout the 2000s. And I'm coming back with my old friends to Symphony Space for our 25th anniversary extravvaganza that's not just a regular vaganza it's an extra vaganza celebrating mcsinney's 25th anniversary and presented by selected shorts the wonderful uh public radio program that presents selected short stories now look we're coming to symphony space on may the 10th i'll be. Our musical guest is Stephen Merritt from the Magnetic Fields. You can watch in person or you can watch live streaming.

It's your choice. Just Google Symphony Space, John Hodgman, McSweeney's. You know what to do. There are great cheap tickets for people who are not yet 30. So get over to symphonyspace.org and check out some interesting stuff there. They have a lot of wonderful in-person programming and lots of live streaming programming, including my hosting of the McSweeney's 25th anniversary extravaganza. And if you're in person, come see me after the show. Jesse, what do you have going on? I also have something high class going on, which is my friend Jordan Morris and I have created a short run podcast

called Stash Rules Everything Around Me. It's a recap podcast of Burt Reynolds movies. I've been meaning to compliment you on this thing that's been giving me so much fun and pleasure. I mean, I remember you telling me about it way back when we were on tour earlier this year, and you just told me the title and I fell down with happiness. This is the greatest. Stash rules everything around me. A recap podcast of the films of Burt Reynolds. Tell me more. Episode one, which covers Smokey and the Bandit and

features Adam Pranica of Greatest Generation and Greatest Track, is in the regular Jordan Jesse Go feed. So anyone can listen to that. And I would encourage that people do. And then episodes two through six, plus some bonus stuff, plus some upcoming episodes that we have promised based on the success of Jordan Jesse Go and the Max Max Fun Drive are all in the Maximum Fun members feed. So go listen to those. Probably my favorite is the episode for Smokey and the Bandit 2, which features your friend and mine, bestselling author and acclaimed novelist, Elizabeth Gilbert. Sure. She loves Burt Reynolds, of course. Sure. She loves Burt Reynolds, of course. She sent me a screen cap of a text message thread with her friend that said, like, we'll explain later. Can I come over Sunday night to watch Smokey and the Bandit 2 with your family? And then her friend texted her back, no explanation necessary. Yes. Absolutely not.

There is no, you need no explanation to go over. And if you haven't, if you didn't manage to become a member during the MaxFunDrive, just go over there, maximumfun.org slash join and unlock all that bonus content, including the Prisoner TV show recap podcast I did with Elliot Kalin called Be Potting You, including our upcoming Shooting the Breeze Cheese podcast, including the State Mottos podcast I'm doing with Janet Varney. And of course, Richard Kind, you missed him at Symphony Space. Don't miss him now. Go listen to Kinding Them with Kindness, a special members-only episode of Judge John Hodgman that everyone is enjoying a lot. Obviously, if you're already a member, thank you very much.

Let's get back to the show. everyone is enjoying a lot. Obviously, if you're already a member, thank you very much. Let's get back to the show. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Here is a case from David in Irvington, New York. My wife and I are having a child this week, and we do not agree on the name. My wife would like another Greek name to match our daughter Andromache and our dog, Sparta. She likes the name Calliope. I find our previous names to be a bit much. I would prefer a name that's simple but still has Greek origins, like Chloe. Who's right? Well, yeah. Andromache is a big, that's a big name for a kid. Andromache in the Iliad is the wife of Hector of Troy, who falls into grave lamentation when Hector is killed by Achilles outside the walls of Troy. But there is another version of Andromache in myth and history and lore of ancient Greece, which is one of the queens of the Amazons.

Andromache literally meaning man battler, which is an incredible name. I don't know which Andromache you were going for when David, or let's be fair, David's wife and whole human being in our own right named this which Andromache you were going for when David, or let's be fair, David's wife and whole human being in our own right named this child Andromache. But now David's wife is leaning into Calliope, who of course is a muse. One of the top muses known as the chief muse of all the muses. You got Calliope, muse of epic poetry, Cleo of history.

Euterpe, flutes and music. One very big category, one very narrow category. Flutes and music. Thalia, like the Thalia Theater in Chicago, where we've performed before. Maybe we're gonna see T. Reg and Buddy there sometime in Chicago when we go on tour next. Melpomene, Muse of Tragedy,

Terpiscurie, Tance, obviously, or Terpiscore. Erato, Love Poetry and Lyric Poetry and Favorite of the New York Times Crossword, always showing up in there, Erato. Polyhymnia, Muse of Hymns and Sacred Poetry. Polyhymnia would be an incredible name for a child. And Urania, also a wonderful name. I don't like names that are too matchy-matchy. So I think that, you know, the fact that Andromache comes from, you know, from martial myth, the Iliad, and Calliope comes from artistic myth,

that's not too matchy, even though they both are big big big greek names chloe derives from the greek word basically for fertility so i think that's kind of putting putting chloe in a box there nothing against all the chloes in the world and there are a lot of them i kind of feel like if you're leaning into andromache naming your child Chloe, you might as well name your child Emily. A lot of these people are out there named Chloe and Emily. I don't think that that works, David. I think if you've already gone to Andromache, you might as well go hard into the next one. Now, I'm going to offer you this penthesilea penthesilea because this weaves together the

two traditions penthesilea was also a queen of the amazons a warrior who also showed up at the battle of troy and after after achilles killed heector making Andromache the wife and whole human being in her own right sad and arguably making Andromache the Amazon not too happy either Penthesilea fought Achilles almost to death well to her death unfortunately

like Achilles the greatest warrior in the battle was almost destroyed by Penthesilea tragically she was killed but during the fighting they fell in love wild stuff happened at the battle of Troy I mean you could go with something more Trojan like Helen I suppose I had to give a shout out to Benjamin Schott the British writer who created Schott Miscellany, a very, very important book in my life in the early 2000s, in which he coined the term Millihelen. Millihelen, Jesse, according to Ben Schatz, is the amount of beauty required to sail a single ship. Valerie Moffat really enjoyed that one. Mila Helen.

I'm offering you Penthesilea. You could do Penny. You could do Leia. I don't know what nickname you're doing for Andromache, but since all these names have a lot of complicated and sometimes problematic history behind them, maybe there's something I don't know. And obviously your wife named your daughter Andromache,

so it probably sounds like your wife has a pretty big, pretty good classical education. Probably she knows what she was doing. So I'm going to leave it in her hands. If she likes Calliope, there you go. Calliope. That's a great name. Andromache and Calliope. Those two go together. I love it. Penthesilea I love, but Calliope, go for it. Calli, Lope, maybe no nickname at all. And just think about how great it's going to be to introduce your family as you're walking your dog through the park and say, these are our daughters, Andromache and Calliope, and this is Sparta. And then you kick the person you meet into a hole.

That's how your family does it. I love it. But in the meantime, congratulations. I hope everything, if you have not already, welcomed Calliope into this world. I hope that everything has gone as smoothly as possible and that everyone is happy and healthy and that Calliope enjoys her name. Here's something from Brian in Washington, D.C. My wife and I are expecting our second son in August. We agree that his name should start with the letter D.

Her leading contender is Daniel, which I think is a fine name. It's not exciting. I like Damien. My wife dismisses this name because of its association with the 1976 horror film The Omen. I say that movie's nearly 50 years old. Help us name our child. Well, you're doing a little short shrift there to the 2006 remake of The Omen starring Liev Schreiber and Julia Stiles. Guess when that movie came out, Jesse Thorne? I gave you the year already 2006 did you say yeah what month and day of the of the month do you think that came out i'm gonna say october 31st 2006 fair fair guess

remember this is a story about the the son of the devil december 25th june 6th oh wow june 6 6 6 6 yeah yeah that was one of those movies that are like, I guess we have to do this. I guess we have to make a remake of the omen. It's going to be 666. It's like when they were like, I guess we have to make a movie of 1984 to bring out in 1984, even though there's no reason for a movie that depressing and authentic to the novel needs to exist. Anyway, uh, Damien, it's interesting, you know, cause I wonder how much the association of the name Damien with the Antichrist still exists. Indeed that, that movie is 50 years old. It's, it's fine. It's a fine movie. It's not great.

It's fine. Made a couple of sequels. They tried to reboot it as a TV show a couple of years ago. a couple of sequels. They tried to reboot it as a TV show a couple of years ago. I don't know how much it's faded into memory. I do know that looking at lists of people named Damien, there are a lot of them, but not many of them are American. Very popular name in Ireland and Australia and other non-USA English speaking countries. So maybe there is still an association of evil with Damien. Never forget, Damien is also the name of the tortured assistant exorcist in The Exorcist. But no, Damien is still a pretty strong flavor. So do we name this kid Damien or not? What do you think, Jesse Thorne?

I mean, when I heard a D name, the first name I thought of was Drew Down, the San Francisco rapper who I only recently learned is Bootsy Collins' son. Whoa. Wow. That's a lineage. Speaking of lineage before you can all stop sending me your emails right now, because yes, I did make the connection. The name of the last name of Damien in the omen. Jesse, you know what the last name of Damien in the omen is? Herbeck? Thorn. Really?

Yeah. You ever check your own scalp for a tattooed 666? Could be you. Yeah, he's feeling around. They need one of those little hand mirrors. I'm going to give you two choices for what to name this child. Either you lean into it and name this child Damien Amityville, Linda Blair, Adrian Marcato, Anton LaVey, Beelzebub, Bailiff, Jesse Thorne,

or just name the kid Damon after my friend Damon, my oldest friend. I met him when I was three years old. Really good guy. Listen to this podcast. A really terrific person. A really good friend. And, uh, be associated and a name that doesn't get enough play. I feel like Damon isn't people.

Not enough people are named Damon right now. So there you go. I wish you only the best Brian with your son, Damon. I hope that, Damon, does not end up being the son of Lucifer. Hey, I got a couple of, a little lightning round before we go, because Jesse, because we did get quite a few naming cases and I want to settle these up before we go.

Rosie, I'm sorry, but the Root Cellar is a better name for your backyard pub in Des Moines, Iowa. It's better than your suggestion, the Quarry. Sorry, the Root Cellar is a cool name, the Quarry. I feel like there's too many of those. Holly, you should not rename Susie. You're adopted Bernadoodle. Your human aunt Susie will just have to deal with it. That's fine. Caitlin, as much as I like Kevin for a cat, I like all human names for all pets. Do not rename your cat. Kitty boy is already a good name. Kitty boy is a good

name. And as i point out naming is powerful that's why humans can rename themselves but for animals renaming is just confusing lindsay you cannot name your friend molly's next child you cannot name that child jack or john even if you did eerily predict your best friend's first pregnancy jack and john are both names that are tired out. And also you are not that person's parent. That is why they did not allow you to name their first child with your suggested name, Remy squash pasta, even though that came to you in a dream. Lindsay, you're not magical and you're not this child's parent. Similarly, Colin, your young children are not allowed to name your

sister's baby. It is not their place to name their infant cousin. And oat milk is not a good name for a baby. Sorry, Colin. Your kids are obviously very imaginative. But that's like me naming my imaginary friend Windowsill, because I didn't have an imaginary friend. And Damon did, and he asked me, what's the name of your imaginary friend?

And I just looked around, and the first thing I saw, Windowsill. No. This is serious, everyone. Naming is serious. Be wary of joke names. Frasier is a great middle name for Ben and Sarah's daughter, Miriam. It's better than naming her Miriam Webster. It's a nice chuckle for now, but that's something that Miriam has to live

with for the rest of their life until they decide to change it. Miriam Frasier is better, and that's Frasier with a Z, not like the TV show. Miriam Frazier is better, and that's Frazier with a Z, not like the TV show. And I have to say this. This family, Miriam Frazier's family, has one of the very best last names of all time. Do you know what it is, Jesse Thorne? What's that?

Van name. Literally V-A-N space name. One of the most incredible last names for a naming docket that we've ever had. And we've only ever had one naming docket and it's not going to get better than this. I name this docket cleared. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. The show created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. Our producer is Valerie Moffitt. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. Follow

us there for evidence and other photos from the show. Well, I am going to forward to the Judge John Hodgman Instagram a picture of Susie, the Bernadoodle, that will not be renamed because Aunt Susie doesn't like sharing a name with a dog. I'm going to send this photo to you right now, Jesse. I'm going to put it in the chat. It is called big sues.pdf. Oh, for context, big sues just got a haircut in this situation. Big sues looks like she just got her hair cut and set like in a, in a beauty salon in Minnesota in 1987. Holly, Big Suze's person, is a dog groomer. And Big Suze, a.k.a. Suzy, is one of her clients of many years who has to be rehomed. And so Holly is taking the dog in. Oh, isn't that sweet?

And Holly also cuts Tom Bruno Brunanski's hair. It's a little bit, Big Suze has a little bit of a, possibly a mullet in there too. It's true. Big Suze is prime time. I think we have a name for this episode. You can also check out the MaxFun subreddit, maximumfun.reddit.com. There's always a lovely conversation about Judge John Hodgman episodes going on in the MaxFun subreddit. And speaking of conversations, I had a lot of replies to our grudge match episode, including some incredible letters that I did not expect to get with news of the Sex Execs,

that Boston band that lost out to Till Tuesday back in the Battle of the Bands in the 80s. And grudges held there as well as verification of some grudge-worthy stuff that went down at Robin Hood Camp. You'll hear about it when we, because you knew that, you know that grudges don't die. You'll hear about it in our next grudge match episode somewhere down the road, where we'll also have Starley Kine looking into the mystery of the tattooed science teacher. So if we got any more grudges out there, get them to me at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Especially a grudge where both people are willing to be on air. And we can do like an old fight with a sibling that you want to bring up again or something like that.

Plus, I'm also going to ask for disputes about trains and ferries. Because I've been on both recently and I like them. And we've had lots of disputes about other forms of transportation, automobile etiquette and airplane etiquette. What about trains and ferries? And we're talking about trolleys. We're talking about Amtrak. We're talking about cargo trains, streetcars, streetcars, streetcars named Desire. Any dispute, conflict, or question arising out of a travel upon a train or a ferry, I want to hear about it. And I want to hear everything. Right, Jesse?

It doesn't matter if it's a big case or a little case. It doesn't matter whether you think it's good or you think it's bad. If you've got a dispute, send it to us, MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Our show is dependent upon you coming up with problems that you have with others in your life. MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.