Judge John Hodgman - Trash Action Lawsuit

Episode Date: May 20, 2020

Kelly brings the case against her husband, Andrew. Their next door neighbors tend to leave their garbage cans at the curb for a long time after the trash collectors come through. Andrew wants to bring the neighbor's cans back to the house for them, but Kelly thinks it's too passive-aggressive for him to do so. With Guest Bailiff Jean Grae!Thank you to Logan Green for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, follow Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I am guest bailiff Jean Grey filling in for Jesse Thorne. He's not on the speech. This week, trash action lawsuit. Kelly brings a case against her husband, Andrew. Their next-door neighbors tend to leave their garbage cans at the curb for a long time after the trash collectors come through. Andrew wants to bring the neighbor's cans back to the house for them, but Kelly thinks it's too passive-aggressive for him to do so. I have so many opinions.

Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. Thank you, Guest Bailiff Jean Grey. Here it comes. I'm sad because I'm happy. And I'm happy because I'm mad. And I'm mad because it sounds sappy to be happy when you're sad. Supreme Guest Bailiff Jean Grey, please swear the litigants in kelly and andrew please rise and raise your right hands do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth

so help you god or whatever else i do i do you didn't rise but okay do you swear to abide by judge john hodgman's ruling despite the fact that I have heard him pronounced despite as despite to spite people? I do. I do. All right. Well, Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Guest bailiff Jean Grey, so happy to have you back. Jesse Thorne couldn't make it today.

Jean. Hi. Stepping in. One of our very favorite guest bailiffs, Jean Grey, if you don't know. Last name is spelled G-R-A-E. That's right. To avoid copyright infringement suits from Marvel Comics. No.

No. No. No. I like the A-E before Elon Musk and Grimes ruined it. I like the AE before Elon Musk and Grimes ruined it. I like Fairey's. Yeah, right. I like the Encyclopedia. Yeah, right.

Big, big fan of the AE. Big fan of the AE, and I'm a big fan of the Jean Grey AE. Jean Grey? Comedian, storyteller, performer, singer, musician, polymath. I'm so tired. Pastor of her own. Louis Pastor. Louis Pastor.

Louis Pastor of her own church, the Church of the Infinite You, which started as a show in the basement of Union Hall here in Brooklyn. It's a legit daytime church. It's also a legit. It's a church. It's a legit daytime drinking church. Yeah. Now available to all on twitch.tv. We'll tell you where to find it and when to find it. And it's important that you find it. But meanwhile, we're here to discuss... Because it's very special. It's very special, Jean, as are you. You're my friend friend you're my friend too can i just say before we get into this how excited i am because i love confrontation all right proceed let's go i do not care i do not care for it that's why i am the judge and not the litigant so i can tell

people who's right and wrong and then i can sneak. That's the point of a podcast is no one ever sees each other. No one has to see each other face to face. But in fact, now because we're doing all kinds of things differently and we're all recording from home now, I can see the litigants. This is case number two in history, Jean, where I've been recording from home and I can see the litigants' faces and their nice faces. Does it change it for you? It does, mainly because I can remember their names and know who's speaking. Because their names are attached to their faces, which is really... Yes.

Honestly, we should have that in all of life. I don't understand why. Just name tags all the time. Name tags everywhere. But Kelly and Andrew, nice faces. This is your confrontation, not mine. You may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors.

Can either of you name the piece of culture I referenced when I entered the courtroom? Kelly, what's your guess? I'm going to go with a Shel Silverstein poem. It's very Shelly Silverstein-y. Yeah. Yeah, it's very Shel-y Silverstein-y. Okay, we'll put that into the guest book.

I'm not saying that's wrong or right or medium. Everything. There are no wrong answers except for the one that I say is wrong. Andrew, what is yours? The word sappy put me in a certain time frame. So I'm going to guess something by James Thurber. Something by James Thurber, to use a sports metaphor, that's a fairly good ballpark for my kind of thing.

To use a sports metaphor, that's a fairly good ballpark for my kind of thing. My book, Vacationland, as you know, did not win the James Herber Prize for American humor in 2018, but was a finalist. I'd like to change my guess to Dorothy Parker then. You can't Algonquin Roundtable your way out of this, Andrew. Nice cuts, nice drops, But all guesses are wrong. I'm going to give you another hint, but this one is non-binding. If Jesse had been here, because this fits so well, I would have used this quote, but I would have changed certain names.

So see if this gives you a better clue. John Hodgman is the exact opposite of how I think you should behave. I just think of it as a negative view of the positive mind I have. Jesse Thorne is sweet and nice and also sympathetic, as kids can identify with him, even though he looks like such a bizarre character, eight feet, two inches, and a beak 18 inches long. Any guess now as to which piece of popular culture I was referencing? Kelly?

Andrew? It's from Sesame Street. It is from Sesame Street. The song I quoted, and I did not sing it because I don't know this one. The lyrics to the song, I'm Sad Because I'm Happy by Oscar the Grouch. Wow. For this is a case about trash cans. Yes. You never thought about trash cans. Yes.

You never thought about trash cans, did you? You're just like, oh, it sounds like Shel Silverstein. I know Hodgman loves complaining about not winning that Thurber Prize. There was Thurber in there. The cultural reference has to refer to the case. And in this case, yours is a case of trash cans. The quote that i gave you as the hint of course was carol spinney the late carol spinney talking about oscar being the

opposite of big bird in any case i thought also that oscar the grouch gene you like oscar the grouch is the best right because he loves confrontation he loves confrontation. He loves confrontation. He's very blunt, and he's not doing it in a malicious way. He's like, I just want to, let's just talk about it. Right. Let's get it out in the open. It's going to happen now. What's wrong with you? Yeah.

Why don't you move into a trash can, and maybe you would want to address some things immediately. But because you're so comfy where you are, you're not doing that. Yeah, that's right. He's like, I live in the trash. Check your privilege. This is what you should be seeing. Talk about it now. Also, I feel like we're all living in a trash can right now.

Like Oscar the Grouch never left that trash can. Well, to be fair, it was very large on the inside. Like he lived in a loft. Yeah. The trash can you'll recall, Kelly and Andrew, from Sesame Street, Oscar's trash can is larger on the inside than on the outside. It's huge. It's a TARDIS. It's a TARDIS.

Yeah, basically. Everyone knows that Oscar the Grouch is a Time Lord. This is known. This is known. Anyway, so here we all are in our respective trash cans, talking to each other through these tin cans, making human connection wherever we can. A lot of can talk. So Kelly, you bring this case to my court. And what is the justice that you seek? What is the problem with your husband? I would like Andrew to let go of the idea of bringing the trash cans back for our neighbors, because I don't feel it comes from a place of good spirit. I think it comes from a place of nosy neighbor and a bit of passive aggressive messaging as, how you need to take care of your cans. So let me see that I understand what's going on here. Now you live in a suburban type environment,

right? Detached houses. Yes. And whereabouts do you live? And I would prefer your specific street address. We live in southeastern pennsylvania outside of philadelphia okay and the the way trash collection works in your in your neighborhood is first of all it gets collected which right now seems like a freaking god or whatever damned miracle yeah i'm so glad it's we have a civilization still working on it working on holding on to it but in any case you put your trash out in bins right we call them cans we call them cans at the edge at your curb right yep right yep twice a week what are the days tuesday and friday tuesday and friday and the trash collector comes and takes away the trash and leaves the bins behind, leaves the cans behind.

Yep. And then each homeowner goes out to collect those bins and brings them back up into your garage or whatever. Correct. Yep. Right. But your neighbors don't do it. And Andrew wants to do what, Andrew? When your neighbors don't bring their trash cans back up to their houses and leave them hanging around on the street looking like literal trash, you want to do what? I want to take them back away from the street and return them to where the neighbors store their trash cans when they're not out for trash. And I presume they store them in their living room and you get them into the living room by

throwing them through the window. Yes. The plate glass window. With a brick in the bottom for good measure, yeah. Yeah, exactly so. When you're doing this trespassing, where do you drop off the cans? So they keep their cans

right on the side of their house. So it's a very short distance from the street to where their cans go. It doesn't require me to open a gate or go into a backyard. It's just a matter of pulling them about 18 feet from the street up to the side of their house. Onto their property. Right. And next to their property. Right.

While holding their property. Correct. Yeah. That's funny. of their property right and next to their property right while holding their property correct yeah and how long has this been going on that it's been getting on your nerves uh about 10 years oh boy oh boy this is a neighborly fight for the ages and how often do you go out there and like kelly how like what's the standard operating procedure now that Andrew does this and you want him to stop or that Andrew wants to do it, but you tell him don't do it. He wants to do it. And and so there is a bit of a backstory in that the previous occupant of the house was a wonderful woman who she was our neighbor when we first moved in 20 years ago hang on hang on i'm just going to interrupt you for a second keep keep rolling on this jean gray i realized that we don't have a we don't have any stings for this show you know what i mean we don't have we

don't have any like backstory like yeah you know what i mean like all right can you give me a quick backstory sting that we can drop in you want to do to do that bit before or do you want me to just say it right now? No, just do it now and I'll make Kelly start all over again. Backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory. Thank you. All right, Kelly, start again and say, there's a bit of a backstory. And then leave a pause so that we can insert that. And Jennifer Marmer, producer, leave this all in. i want people to see what goes on behind the scenes so there is a bit

of a backstory backstory backstory backstory again our previous neighbor um uh was a wonderful woman when we first moved in she was in her 80s um she was she was our neighbor for about 10 years. And as she was very independent, well into her 80s and early 90s. And she got to a point where she couldn't take the trash. She wanted to. And, you know, she had about a teaspoon's worth of trash, but would diligently bring it out every Tuesday and Friday. And she struggled with the cans. And so we walk our dog every morning and pass their house. We live on a dead end street. And so in going past our house, we developed a system for our older neighbor where we would take the can out for her as we pass by to leave for the dog walk. And then the trash men would usually come by by the time we returned and Andrew would return the can up to her porch

and help her out. And so he wants to do this now with the, with the new neighbors, um, who are a lovely couple, um, but a perfectly capable couple. What happened to your older, older neighbor? She did pass away at the age of 96. Very rude of her. Very rude. But she was beloved. Yeah, no, that's wonderful. And they are a wonderful couple. I have no complaints about them as neighbors. But they just leave their cans out much longer than anybody else on the street.

And so he wants to, on the way back from the dog walk, return the cans, you know, to their property. And I feel like it's a different situation and that it's going to be seen as passive aggressive and judgmental. Andrew, how well do you know, are these your next door neighbors? These are our next door neighbors. On which side? On our left side, facing the street. No, I think he meant on your mother's or your father's side. So how well do you know them, Andrew? I didn't know them terribly well. In the last couple of weeks, I've gotten to know them quite a bit better, which has been very nice. We haven't really had that opportunity in the past, but I know them a little. They are actually relatives of Anne Eadie. So they are members of her family.

We know them. We know their child. We know their parents for friendly hellos across the fence. Okay. We know their dogs. You know their names. You don't have to say their names. I don't want to, you know. Do you know if they're listeners to this podcast? I do not know that factually. Because this would be the record breaking passive aggression. We came up here on this podcast to send your neighbors a little message. Let's take a quick recess and we'll be back with more of Kelly and Andrew's case in just a moment. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep. That's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're Made In, Made in. The Rohan duck, made in, made in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it.

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They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Andrew, now that you know your neighbors so very well, they're old pals, friendly, you know, they're dogs or whatever. Have you just said to them, would you please bring your trash cans up no i have not uh i say that as though that's an impossible thing for anyone to say to me that's more judgmental than just bringing the cans up uh my portion of the backstory which

kelly of course can't speak to is hold on hold for the stings yep hold for the sting andrew's backstory backstory backstory which kelly can't speak to backstory all right go on andrew for a while for maybe a year or so or or more the cans would lay in the street i would get bothered about it i would grouse and complain to kelly about it but i wouldn't do anything and I would just come inside. And after a little while, I thought to myself, well, this is silly. If it's bothering me, why not do something about it? If I did the same for the former resident there without being asked,

why not do the same for the current resident who lives there without being asked? So I'll put the can back and we're both winners. Their cans are back and it's not bothering me. So if I understand this correctly, your backstory is that your relationship with Aunt Edie, you're helping her with the can started by you're just doing it one day. And then eventually she caught on and said, thank you for trespassing. Thank you for bringing my property back to my property. Don't know why there's a horse's head in this one.

Message received, I guess. But if you don't mind doing it for me, that would be great. Yeah. Yeah, I would put them up on her porch and she didn't like it, but she understood that her limitations made that the most practical solution. Okay. She was grateful for the effort, but it bothered her that she couldn't do it on a personal level. She was very independent.

Jean, make up names for these neighbors, please. Jammies. That is James. Jammies. It's Jammies. And Lammies. Jammies and Lammis. And the last name? Flurb.

Jammis and Lamis Flurb. Go ahead. Jammis and Lamis Flurb. Hi, I'm Jammis. I'm Lamis. We're the Flurbs. I know. It's cute, isn't it?

That's how they introduce themselves. We know. We know. We know. We know. We know our first names sound like anyway we're the flurbs just moved into the neighborhood don't know the rules hope someone will tell us at some point you guys like trash cans you guys like trash

we're proud of our cans so proud we like the world to see how long do the flurbs leave the cans out for andrew routinely they're out there for the next trash collection day. Two days. A couple of days. Yeah. Yeah, but then after the last trash collection day, do they just roll it over to the next week? Do they ever bring them back? They do occasionally bring them back, yes.

They do eventually bring them back. Come on, flurbs. But they've been out there for multiple days. Come on, flurbs. And they've been out there for multiple days. Come on, flurbs. And why does this bother you so much? Well, they are the only people on the street who leave their trash cans out that long. Right. The cans are very visible.

They're unattractive. They are sometimes in the street. No, I understand the nature of the complaint. But, I mean, aside from people having to drive around them, it obviously strikes a deeper chord with you. How does it make you feel when you see those cans line all over the place? It seems like it would be a very small thing to take care of. And sometimes I'm just put out that somebody won't do something which seems quite small to take care of the street. Gotcha.

Yeah. Okay. Well, in fact, you send in some evidence. Oh, Kelly, did you want to jump in? It's a dude thing. Okay. There's a little bit of a – Andrew sees a little bit of a competition in the men of the street to who brings their cans back first and quickest. Is this a competition that exists in real life or only in Andrew's mind?

I think it's only in Andrew's mind. Andrew, have you considered inviting everyone to join a Google spreadsheet and say, what would be fun is we all time how long it takes for us to get our trash cans back and we can fill in our best times on the spreadsheet. Wouldn't that be fun? Well, I have prepared such a document. Is that true? Did not submit it, but no. Well, you did submit some evidence.

And Jean Grey, do you have the evidence? I do. I do. I have it right here. I'm looking at Exhibit A here, the trash can in question. Please note that there are no other trash cans visible. Now, all these extremely dramatic photos will be hosted on Judge John Hodgman's page at MaximumFun.org. And I'm going to tell you right now, this picture of a lonely trash can on a suburban street is definitely going to be the number one most faved pick on the Judge

John Hodgman Instagram for sure. Who posted this pic? Who sent in this exhibit to me? I did. Yeah. So when you look at that can, you're like, narrate your feelings to me. Just look at it right now. When I look at that can, I think the street would be better if that can was not there. I'm going to make the street better. I'm going to put that can back. May I ask a question here?

Kelly, does Andrew have these feelings about other items within the household when things may be out of place to him or not put away. To be fair, he's very consistent in that he will take it upon himself to put things away and to straighten. He's wonderful around the house. I can't say anything bad about that. But say if you had been using something, using an item and stepped away, do you find that these things get put away before you may be done with them? Yes. All right. Ah. Yes.

Check me out. Jean Grey, permission to add a sting of my own? Mm-hmm. Incredible question, question, question, question. Crocs found, found, found. Kelly, what's an example of a thing that got put away before you were done using it? Well, you know, I might leave a glass next to the sink and say, I will take care of that, but I need to go do something first. And then by the time I get back, it is in the dishwasher. You've even given indication that you're going to be coming back to it?

dishwasher yes you've even given indication that you're gonna be coming back to it yeah i'm bringing this up because um my husband has to say things like that to me i'm i'm still using this item don't do anything with it because you'll clear it away gene oh yes i will right 100 so you're you're a little bit team andrew here it sounds no i No, I'm not. No, I'm not. No, don't get me wrong. I just wanted to see if it was coming from the same place. I understand where it's coming from. Maybe the problem is coming from inside the house. May I just clarify that? All right. Andrew, go ahead. Kelly, if you place the glass near the sink, near the dishwasher, and you say, I will take care of that, are you indicating that you are going to reuse the glass? Or are you indicating that in a few moments' time, you are going to put it in the dishwasher?

Does it matter? I feel like we're not even here, James. This is incredible. It does matter. Because if you were indicating to me that you were going to reuse that glass is one thing. But if you're saying in a few moments, I'm going to put that into the dishwasher and I, to be a good guy, put it in the dishwasher for you. Then we both benefited. You've not had to put the dish in the dishwasher. You were not going to reuse it.

It was a dirty dish. I saved you a step and I got the counter cleared. Question, Andrew. What is your profession? Professional hair splitter? Close enough. I'm a fundraiser. Oh, all right.

Does that require splitting hairs? Let's just say it requires looking at things from a lot of different perspectives. All right. That's fair. God, Andrew. Why is this an issue? Why is this whole thing an issue? You've got all the right tools in place.

All of them. Oh. Is scolding a part of this show? It hasn't been before. Can we just put that in? Can I just have a one-on-one with Andrew at some point during this? I will allow it. I will refuse myself.

Not yet. Not yet. May I introduce one other item in what I think is germane to this story? Yeah, of course. So our next door neighbor has a snowblower okay and in the winter when it snows uh he snowblows our front walkway that's very nice this is the same neighbor these are the flurbs yes it's the flurbs jamis flurbs is it jamis or lammas let's say uh lammas flurb is the snowblower. So Lammas will snowblow our front walkway, the sidewalk and the front walkway.

He'll do several on the street. We've never asked him to do that for us. We appreciate it. And I do not take it as a judgment that I haven't shoveled fast enough. Kelly, I see you want to jump in there. I do. So I believe that Mr. Flurb is doing our neighbor on the other side of our house.

He goes down and does their entire walk and front walk and driveway apron. And so the reason he does our front walk, while it is very much appreciated and everything, it's because it's on the way to where he's going. And it would be a really, um, really bad move to go around or to stop snow blowing the, the snow blower through your right. Yeah. Well, I mean mean it's truly a mystery for the ages what mr flirbs motivations are there's no way to ever know and i've made him brownies for doing that really did you let him know that you did it did you leave them in the counter in

your house yeah exactly these are for the flirbs i mean it's not appropriate for us to let them know yeah uh so let me just make it understand clearly andrew before i give you a chance to respond when flurb snow blows it's the it's the sidewalk in front of your home correct but he in this case does not he does not snowblow your walkway up to your door or your driveway right no that is correct right okay it is a schrodinger's cat mystery as to whether flurb is doing this as a favor to you or just because it's more convenient to keep blowing as it were correct keep on blowing i love that song blowing blowing much like our sidewalk being on the way to the other house, the trash cans and putting them back are on the way to our house. Right. But you understand that what you're doing is different in the sense that you are going on, you're taking their property and going on to their property, whereas the sidewalk is shared. It is communal to the neighborhood.

OK, I see that point, yes. These second exhibits, exhibits B and C, are adorable, and I just want to discuss, first of all, they're essentially dramatic renderings of the situation in the house. Your dog Penny here, the caption is, this photo depicts our dog Penny stalwartly watching the street for trouble. Please note this work is exhausting and sometimes Penny needs to rest her head and Penny is resting her head on your couch looking out that window staring perhaps with dismay at that lone trash can.

And then we have here an action shot of of frustration. Which I enjoy. Now. Kelly and Andrew looking out the window at that one trash can. Andrew's hands extended in almost a crucified position of dismay. It's Penny and Andrew, but yeah. What would be your vocalization there, Andrew, when you see that? Like, what the what

i believe that's a come on come on that's right it's a classic come on that's exactly what i i have i have done this this position with uh our cat littles uh directly at many things outside of the window so as soon as i saw this i was like i i want to tell him how much I relate, except there's such an easy fix. Oh, Andrew. I feel you, but I don't feel you. All right, Jean, I'm going to ask Andrew to approach the bench for a quick scold sesh. Scold sesh. I'm going to recuse myself from this, Andrew.

This has no bearing on what my decision may ultimately be. But our guest bailiff has requested a scold sesh. Thank you. And I think you're going to get one. So please approach the bed. Andrew. I think this is probably the case where I can relate to something so much. I don't like things, and especially loan items, and especially after things are clean, and you can see that things are clean, being left out, making everything uncomfortable.

It makes me very uncomfortable inside. I don't like a messy computer desktop. I'm like, why can't you just, you can rein all that in. And I learned that I, very early on in life, I'm like, hey, if something's bothering you and it's, it feels like it's a reasonable thing to say, that a good thing to do is to be able to confront people about it. And it seems like you're taking those steps at home. I see that that happens. And then it seems like you might be living with a lot of frustration not being able to say things out of the home. And you need to.

It's okay. It's okay to say, hey, something's bothering me. It's all right. It's not trespassing to do that. It is trespassing to actually trespass. to do that. It is trespassing to actually trespass, to physically use your body, but to verbally be able to do that is something that's good for you. It's something that's good for relationships. It's something that's good for everyone. And as a person who would very much triply consider trespassing on anyone's grounds because it's a very important thing that I had to learn to be able to confront people. I really, really, I feel like we're all around the same age. You got to do this, man. You can't. Whoever that dog was is a green. Thank you.

Is that Penny? Is that Penny in the background? That is Penny. I apologize. Penny. No, don't apologize. Penny is back there being like, come on, man. Let's.

All the stuff you say. I'm just in the picture. Exactly. Dog cameo. However the judgment goes today, I just want you to leave here remembering not to stifle yourself anymore because it can be really unhealthy.

And it's okay to say things that you need to say. And school sesh! Jean, what do you think, like, because we all hate the idea of, for example, doing call banking, even for politicians who we love. Even when the election is perhaps the most high stakes election in our lifetime, it is uncomfortable for us to call up our neighbors in the United States cold and say, hey, would you consider voting for this person rather than destroying what's left of civilization? Yeah. And often there is a script that goes along with it that helps the person get into it. So if you were writing a script for Andrew, and Andrew, I'm not really in Kelly's favor

necessarily. I'm just hearing all the evidence. But I take Gene Skoltzsch under advisement. And if you were to write a script for Andrew, fundraising and you don't get into fundraising without knowing how to get money out of people. Like, you're a salesman. You know what to do. However, I think it's really important to start with, because these are people you know and people you've spoken to before and it's not coming out of nowhere, is to say, hey, I've got something that's been bothering me for a really long time. And I, I, I, I've been trying to work out like why I haven't said it before. I would even bring up the fact that this happened. Because what you don't want when you approach someone and start telling them something and you're like, Hey, I've been thinking about it. And they might talk to other people and they're like, have you

been, did you do an entire, did you start a mini series about this before you spoke to me? You want to give them all the information and you want everything to be out in the open so that you guys can actually have a clean slate relationship. So I think, you know, form your own thing, but the most important thing to include is to be completely honest about it. Even if it seems like what you're telling them might be unreasonable to them, it's not unreasonable to you. That's really important. So, Andrew, if you went over to the flurbs,

or you waited until you saw them next time, sort of whatever. And you said, uh, hi, um, I just wanted you to know that, um, it's a small thing and I'm sorry to bring it up, but, uh, when you don't bring your bins back up, it just, it's a point of distraction to me it's a me thing but it's something that i notice and and i've even went so far as to go on a podcast almost literally trashing you about it do you mind bringing the cans back up or would you mind if i just brought them back up if that would be easier like if Like, if you said that, what do you think would happen? What are you afraid might happen?

I think that's judgmental to my way of thinking. That to me seems a little bit like a scold sesh for our neighbors for not bringing their bins back up. But aren't you already doing that inside? See, I don't sincerely believe that that's what I'm doing inside. I really don't think me putting the cans back is scolding my neighbors. Now, if my neighbors asked me to ever stop, if they saw me do that and said, dude, don't do that, I wouldn't continue it. But to me, I sincerely believe that it's not a scolding as much as it's just be a neighborly and we all benefit.

So Kelly, if I were to rule in your favor, what would you have me ruled? So to be fair to Andrew, I'm not looking for him to confront the flurbs. And I know you can't legislate thought, but I just don't want it to bother him. I don't want him to get frustrated. I don't want him to make himself older than he is and the street busybody. I just would rather he see it as the small thing that it is and that they have other things to worry about and that you know to live and let live so andrew have you done this yet or is this just a dream returning the cans yeah to the flurbs yes i have done that uh I've done that at least once in Kelly's presence and it did not go well. I asked him not to. Right. And have the flurbs ever acknowledged it? Have they ever said anything about it?

No. Nothing. How many times would you say you have done it? I have not done it more than six times. Okay. Just for a moment, Kelly, I want you to turn off your audio. Okay. Just for a moment, Kelly, I want you to turn off your audio. Okay. So you can't hear. Go into a cone of silence.

Kelly has taken off her headphones. I can see that. It's the benefit of this new way of doing things. She can't hear what you're saying. Andrew, how many times really? 25? 30? 35?

No, really. Six? Yeah, it's like six because it wasn't very long ago that I even started to do it. For a while, I just walked past. Kelly can come back online. You have no idea how he does this every day, even when the cans aren't there. He verified that he has only done it the half dozen times i believe that honestly guess bailiff gene gray this is truly something of a game changer for me because now it's written into the silent code of the neighborhood obviously this is not a neighborhood where people

express themselves to each other that much yeah no no i i need i would love to go talk to the entire neighborhood yeah if i may what i would like to know is that if andrew found his cans put back every day before he had a chance to get home or before it was on his time frame how he would feel incredible question question question i'll allow it andrew how would would feel. Incredible question, question, question. I'll allow it. Andrew, how would you feel if you came home and saw your cans having been can handled by another person all up alongside your house or whatever?

You knew that someone else had been fondling your cans. How would you feel? I would not have a problem with that uh i have a real problem with it i'm thinking about it right now and it feels weird to me sorry there's one small caveat which is if somebody brought them up out of the street and put them onto my driveway alongside the house which is not where i keep them but it would if they're out of the street i I'd have no issue with it. We keep ours in the backyard.

If they brought them through our gate and put them in our backyard, that would, yeah, that would skeed me out a little bit. Would you? But if somebody brought them. Sorry, Andrew. I was just going to ask if you would rather have them talk to you about it rather than to touch them first. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not sure I believe that answer.

Well, I think I've heard enough in order to make my decision. I'm going to go in my tough right plastic shed next to my chambers. Sit here for a moment, contemplate. I'll be right back in a moment with my decision. Please rise slightly as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Kelly, how are you feeling about this? How do you feel like it went? I'm feeling pretty good. I don't want to force Andrew into anything he doesn't want to do in regards to confrontation. But as far as the nature of the case, I think I'm feeling pretty good. Okay. Andrew, how are you doing?

I've been pretty rough on you today. Yes, two scold seshes have not made me feel great about my chances. I am hopeful that with two scold seshes, I will have been informed enough by the court that perhaps the judge will see in my favor. We will see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about that. We'll be right back. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney,

is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. Thank you, Kelly.

Andrew, you may be seated. Andrew, I appreciate why you are sensitive to the scold sesh. It's no fun. Scold seshes are no fun to receive or to give. But your argument that moving the trash bins silently is somehow not a scold? No way. The story that you tell yourself that you're being a nice guy, that's not what's going on. Once when I was in my 20s and I worked at a literary agency, I shared a floor with two other cubicles. And the other young assistants on the floor, they did not get along all the time.

And the other young assistants on the floor, they did not get along all the time. And one of the complaints was that was the woman who was not me felt that the man who was not me smelled bad. B.O. Body odor. And one day I hear her over the cubicle say to him, hey, something stinks around here. I happen to have this can of deodorant. Why don't we both put some on? And he got furious because he knew what it was. It was a scold.

She couldn't feel it. I was just trying to be nice to him. But not being nice. You're correcting the universe the way you want it to be. And I understand this argument that you give about moving the glass before Kelly's done with it because you're being nice to save her a step or you move in the bins because you're being neighborly. This is a story you're telling yourself. You're moving these things because you want the universe to be a certain way. You are correcting the world to fit what you want it to be, which I also get a lot. I mean, I don't know if you guys saw the Kenneth

Branagh murder on the Orient Express. I never cared for Hercule Poirot. Me, I'm a Miss Marple guy. That's the way I've always been. To me, Hercule Poirot, just this fatuous, busy body show-off until I saw Kenneth Branagh step in a pile of manure, some kind of feces. I don't know whether it was dog poop or something. In the opening scenes, he steps in, and he's walking

through the city, and he steps in dog poop. Let's say it was. And the look on his face, because Kenneth Branagh's a professional actor, he's good at it. The look on his face because Ken the Brown is a professional actor he's good at it look on his face is so pained and then he takes a step back and then he puts his other foot in the dog poop because as he explains it's not the dirt that annoys me it's the imbalance and all of a sudden urquell poirot became a real character for the first time in all of my experience of reading or watching these urquell poirot mysteries let's go back a long way because i'm a weird and the problem is he is cursed with perception and an intrinsic need for balance.

And I'm not suggesting this is you, but once you understand that Poirot is working out of compulsion to do what he has to do, it's not only merely a much more interesting character, but a much more human character. And he's channeling his compulsion for good. Your living room acting in this shot is incredible you're a kenneth brana of frustration in the living room this is obviously staged i mean kelly you did not capture this in the moment i captured him with his arms down they were they

but then he lifted his arms yes yeah but who told him to lift his arms you're a great director he's a great actor but i feel in you this feeling of like come on i don't want to look at this can anymore and that's fine i don't think you should have to look at it either the flurbs are flurbing up. It doesn't matter why they're doing it. They're flurbing up. They're not following the rules and it's causing you distraction and you have a right to take care of that. And that's why, Kelly, I'm sorry to say, I cannot find in your favor. I can't compel Andrew to stop feeling the way he's feeling. Because this is a deep thing. This is something he thinks about.

And I don't think that it's necessarily bad that he's done this six times. Because the flurbs don't seem to mind. The flurbs don't give a flurb about anything. Maybe. The flurbs don't give a flurb about anything. Maybe. Which is all the more reason, Andrew, that it should not be a problem to just let them know that this is what you're doing and get their permission. Because you have to get their permission.

You can't. You can't. You can't be going on people's property with their property touching their property without their permission. And it will be granted. I guarantee you. The flurbs don't flurb it. They don't flurb. I'm going to rule. I can't rule in Kelly's favor. I'm going to rule in your favor. I think you should do it. I think it's a neighborly thing to do. I think it's a nice thing to do. But the next time you do it, you have to say hi to them, You do it, you have to say hi to them.

Ding dong, maybe, a little ding dong. Or you can write a note, but just say, you may have noticed that I've moved your cans back from the curb a couple of times. I hope that that doesn't bother you. I'm glad to keep doing it, but if you prefer me not to, I won't. And then see what they say. I'm sure they're going to be like, yeah, thanks for doing that work for me. But it's just, this is a principle of law. Like, it's a minor thing.

But the fact that you did it for Aunt Edie before, it's not set a legal precedent for you to do it whenever. Really not on your side here, Andrew. I would have ordered Kelly. I would have told you to take your headphones out. In fact, you know what? Take your headphones out, Andrew. There we go. Turnabout is fair play. Kelly, sometime in the future, take your time. I want Andrew to forget all about this. I want him to forget the other, like, take years. years by then the flurbs and you will be on great terms it'll be great and one day without telling andrew i want you to take those bins in

and secretly put them by the side of the house before you can get to them and document what he says about it he's going to be expecting it for weeks, months, maybe even a year. But when he doesn't notice, when this has receded into the back of his mind, let me know what happened. Do it. Let me know what happened. All right, Andrew. You're good.

We were just talking about how much we like you. Oh. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Huckman rules, that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom again. That's a lot of ins and outs. Much like my feelings on this case. Kelly, how do you feel about this verdict?

I think it was fair and in good faith. And to meet Andrew where he's at, I'm willing to have the conversation with the with the flirbs so that he can do what he feels compelled to do. I'm excited. I think this went well. I would have ruled differently, but then again, I'm a real judge. Andrew, your feelings on this verdict? I think the judge had great wisdom in the verdict. I think this is absolutely the correct thing to do. I think it leads with positivity. I think it allows everybody a graceful way to not continue with this if anybody's uncomfortable with it. But it also gives everybody a graceful way to continue with it if everybody's okay with it. I'm very pleased. Thank you, Kelly.

Thank you, Andrew. I'm so happy. I'm so happy we got to this place. Andrew, you can't touch all this stuff. Fam, you can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. Get out of here.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit.

No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ugh, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go.

And that's another case in the books in this voice. Before we dismiss him, what? Jean, before we continue, let me just say what a delight it is to have you on again. Oh, it's always fun. Jean Grey, Church of Infinite You is every other Sunday afternoon. That's right, because every Sunday is too much. Too much. And you can follow Jean Grey on Instagram at Jeannie Grigio and on Twitter at Jean Greasy.

I've got those memorized. Thank you. Type Jean Grey into your Google machine. Jean of the Greys on Twitch TV. That's right. That's Jean, J-E-A-N of T-H-E-G-R-A-E-S, because you love the A's. Just got to get these plugs in before we get to Swift Justice so people know. Follow Jean, find out when church is, find out all the things that she's doing, because everything she's doing is great. Thank you. There's a couple more more shows coming up so be sure to get ready for sunday brunch which is going to be every sunday that church is not and uh i'll i'll be djing and cooking a meal

because i like to multitask also on twitch je Grey, making work for yourself. That's right. Yeah, making it hard. All right. Before we dispense some swift justice, we want to thank Logan Green for naming this week's episode Trash Action Lawsuit. If you would like to name a future episode, just like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions there.

Follow us on social media. I am on Instagram at John Hodgman. I'm on Twitter at Hodgman. And Jean, of course, at Jean Greasy. And on Instagram at Jeannie Greasio. We just talked about it. Hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets. Hashtag JJHO.

Check out the Maximum Fun subreddit to discuss the episode. Jean, I've been popping into the subreddit. A lot of nice people over there. fun subreddit to discuss the episode. Jean, I've been popping into the subreddit. A lot of nice people over there. And of course, check out the pictures of Penny and a frustrated Andrew on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman, where we regularly post the evidence and other fun stuff from our listeners. And thank you to Jennifer Marmer.

Now, Jean, since you are the guest bailiff, But as we know, a real life judge. Yes, clearly. I'm going to let you take swift justice. I'm going to pitch it to you. Now I'm taking a break as we go to swift justice, where we answer your small disputes with the quick judgment. Douglas says, my wife, Molly loses her keys constantly and refuses to use the key hook I hung up inside the door,

even though she admits that it helps her keep track of her keys. Judge, in this case, Jean Grey, would you please order Molly to use the key hook? Molly, you got to use that goddamn key hook. What are you doing? You know what it's for? It's for hooking your keys on so you don't lose them. All you got to do is start a routine. Use that. Use the key hook, Molly. Judgment. It's true that if you know that you're

losing your keys all the time and you know that the hook helps, you've got to put the keys on the hook. And it's the same thing. You build new habits in life. It's possible. It only takes three times. After the third time that you put those keys on the hook, it's a thing. That's about it for this week's episode. Submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO or email me, Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. That's Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. I get those emails. I read them.

I sort them. I can't reply to all of them. I try, but my eyes will pass over them. And I know that this is true. There is no case too small. There is only cases too medium. We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgin Podcast. That's Gene Gray, everybody. See you next time.