Judge John Hodgman - Uniform Code of Podcast Justice

Episode Date: June 5, 2013

Paul brings the case against his friend Jeremy. Paul likes to wear jerseys and hats from his favorite team to sporting events, even when that team isn't playing in the game. Jeremy says that wearing the gear isn't in good taste. Who is right?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, the uniform code of podcast justice. Paul brings the case against his friend Jeremy. Paul likes to wear jerseys and hats from his favorite team to sporting events, even when that team isn't playing in the game. Jeremy says that wearing the gear isn't in good taste. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise. It's Judge John Hodgman. And here's the courtroom. Judge John Hodgman, Judge John Hodgman, Judge John Hodgman, Judge John Hodgman. When Jesse shuts all their pie holes, they will holler, Judge John Ha. Please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? Judge John Ha. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that his only sports allegiance is to bingo long and his traveling all-stars in Motor King starring Billy Dee Williams? I do.

Yes, indeed. Very well, Judge Hodgman. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. King starring Billy Dee Williams? I do. Yes, indeed. Very well, Judge Hodgman. This whole podcast will be just this. Unnecessary. We do not need to sing the whole podcast, Judge Hodgman. But this is about sports, is it not? I think

you may be confusing sports and chorales. Oh, you're thinking of Yale University. Possibly you're confusing sports and light opera. Oh, you're thinking of Yale University. Possibly you're confusing sports and light opera. All right. In which everything is sung. Once again, you're confusing. You're thinking of Yale University.

All right. Sports guy one and sports guy two. What are your names? Jeremy and Paul. Jock names. All right, Jeremy, Paul, for an immediate summary judgment in your favor, can you name the particular piece of culture that I referenced as I bounded into the courtroom? Jeremy, go. It is Bola Bola, the college fight song.

Wrong. Paul. I was going to say it was the maximum fun fight song. Wrong. Jeremy, close. But you have offended me as few have ever offended me. I was going to say it was the maximum fun fight song. Wrong. Jeremy close, but you have offended me as few have ever offended me. It is Bula Bula, the Yale football fight song.

Dumb, dumb, unbelievable. And I said, Yale two times. Idiot. It's wrong with you. Where where where were you educated sir sir i was educated at nyu all right the the fight and violets isn't that true isn't that what it is but when it's the male teams they call them bobcats that That's not true. It is true.

Oh, interesting. All right, I'll take your word for it. You wouldn't want to be a male violet. I recently attended my 20th anniversary, not anniversary, reunion of Yale College. And I was reminded of the Yale Harvard football challenge that happens every year, which I think is one of two live football games that I've ever seen in my life. I believe they also call them games. It's a contest of sorts between two different squads of footballers. And all I remember was the misery of enduring football.

And then the occasional bursts into dumb song and let me tell you something the yale glee club at my reunion performed a medley of yale football fight songs that made both me and my human daughter cackle with glee from the stands because they were all so patently insane and they were all written like in the late 19th century because that was the last time yale athletics mattered except in hockey ncaa champions in hockey this year i think you can tell that they're written in the late 19th century because they all say, fight on Yale, fight on Yale,

avoid the forward pass. I am going to laugh in a cowardly, nerd-like way because I can tell what you said was funny. And I don't understand it at all, but I'm just going to laugh to fit in. All right. I'm going to start making outrageous claims about sports that simply aren't true just to confuse you, Judge. Don't wedgie me. All right.

Paul, you bring this case before this court. I do. And the problem is what? You can't enjoy sports the way you want to? What's the problem? The problem is the abuse that Jeremy heaps on me for what I think is a perfectly valid decision to wear the gear for my favorite team to whatever sporting event I go to. Oh, for you. I'm sorry that you're having a hard time enjoying your dominant culture. So you like to wear what? You like to wear the garb of your favorite bases ball team,

which is what? That is the Philadelphia Phillies. Philadelphia Phillies. All right. Are you from Philadelphia? I grew up in the Philadelphia area. Did you bring any batteries to the courtroom today? I don't. I did not. I have never thrown a battery at any player, even J.D. Drew.

Well, that's because you didn't grow up in Philadelphia, did you? You grew up in where? Let me guess. Haverford? Oh, not far. I grew up in Wayne, Pennsylvania. Wayne, Pennsylvania? I don't know where that is. It's very close to Villanova University. Oh, so you're a mainline boy. I am.

Aha. All right. No, you would not be throwing batteries, that's for sure. No, we're not battery throwers. You might throw a small solar calculator. I don't even know what that means. I'm laughing in a cowardly way. Yeah. Jesse. Yeah. Jesse,

you just laugh is what I said. I love nerd humor. Yeah. All right. So you love, you love them Phillies. I do. Yeah.

All right. You like scrapple. I love scrapple. You like Taylor pork roll. I do. Allrapple. You like Taylor Pork Roll? I do. All right, good. So far, so good. I'm ready to root for you just on weird regionalisms.

Hot diggity. Oh, is that something they say on the main line, hot diggity? No, we get beat up for saying that. All right. Jeremy? Yes, sir. What's Paul's problem? Your Honor, I've prepared a statement for the court. Will that suffice?

Yeah, brother. Sports fans are annoying enough. We don't need to be more annoying by blindly introducing unnecessary third-party conflict into a two-party system. Fan sports gear should be worn appropriately, either supporting A, one of the teams playing,

B, a minor league affiliate of said team, C, a previously located city of said team if the team has moved, or D, a different sports team local to that particular arena, city, or region. My case is that Paul's actions are an affront to sports fandom and an embarrassment to team allegiance everywhere, and I demand that he desist in his inappropriate behavior for the good of mankind well first of all jeremy you really know how to live in a podcast what's the matter what's the matter you couldn't say that in your own words no i want a thorough argument here yeah what i'm you know i'm surprised you didn't start with the dictionary definition of fan he was apparently i do have the dictionary definition of Bush League.

Oh, I knew. Did you play sports? Yes, I do. Yeah. I don't want to be a nerd bully here, but it's my time, right? Culture is with me now. And that had about all the verve of a jock delivering a book report. The dictionary definition of whaling is

the hunting of whales for blubber and other things. Moby Dick is a book about whaling. I try and take my book reports one game at a time. I got that one. Yeah, I'm just going out there reading the best I can. You read some, you don't read some. Could you please say what you said again in your own words as though this matters to you in some way? Sure.

It's super lame that Paul wears Phillies hats to Dodgers-Reds games. There we go. I just gave you a writing lesson. Just say it simply the way you feel it, buddy. So where do you guys live? I live in Fort Collins, Colorado right now. Oh, so you guys don't live in the same town? No. Okay, so you live in Fort Collins, Colorado.

Yeah. The closest baseball team is the Colorado Rockies in Denver, about an hour away. Yeah, that's close enough. That's your team. Why? Is there another team vying for your attention out there in the West? Well, there are other sports teams. Well, but baseball is the one at issue here, is it not? Indeed. All right. So there isn't another baseball team for miles around, right? Not for a really long time.

The closest one, I guess, would be maybe Kansas City or Arizona. All right. They're very far. We won't discuss that. Yeah. And Jeremy, you do not live in Fort Collins, Colorado. Where do you live? No, sir.

I live in Santa Monica, California, but I'm from Massachusetts. Oh, really? Whereabouts? I'm from the Cape, actually. One of those few people who's actually from the Cape and not a Kennedy. I actually don't have any weird regionalisms to pitch you, even though I am from Massachusetts as well. I like how this is going. Do you have any weird breakfast sausages

on the cape? Specific to the cape? Are you familiar with clam sausage? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Of course I am. Funny joke. That actually was a sports term.

Oh, really? Sounds gross. No. Don't mislead me. You're already in trouble for reading from a prepared text. I've never allowed that to happen before on this podcast, and I won't ever again. So you live in Santa Monica, and have you transferred your affections from the Red Sox to a California baseball team? This will make Paul laugh. No, that's considered practically illegal where I'm from.

Sure. Where we're from. I know things. You're still a member of Red Sox Nation? I am. I'm not card carrying because they make you pay for that. But in my heart, yes. Let me ask you a question.

Do you want to win this case? Damn it, I want to win. Okay, then sing Sweet Caroline right now. Sweet Caroline. Ba, ba, ba. Good times never felt so good. So good. So good.

So good. So good. That's good enough. You jumped right in there, but then you backed off. I'm sorry. I was waiting for you to do the so good part. No, no, no. Don't try to weasel out of this.

Because you sing Sweet Caroline at Fenway Park, do you not? I do sing it. Yeah, that's right. It's in the eighth inning. I've usually had a few drinks by then. That's right. And you're also surrounded by a mass, by a mob of humans to protect you. It's a funny tradition.

No one knows where it came from. You're afraid to solo. That's what a nerd has to do. I have karaoke videos that will, that's evidence to the contrary. Yeah, you're comfortable when you're surrounded by all your buddies. When you're out there on a podcast by yourself,

singing Judge John Hodgman to the tune of bula bula you didn't see me backing off not taking any more guff from you jocks all right so you're still a member of red sox nation but you also go to see games played by what bases ball team i will watch bases ball games by the angels they're nearby and also thegers. I'll watch them as well. Jesse, where are the Angels? What officially is the title of the Angels? Are they the Los Angeles Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles? They're the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Formerly the California Angels. Right. But now the LA A's of A. Exactly. All right. So you go to see an Angels game? Sure.

Okay. And what do you wear when you go to see an Angels game? Sure. Okay. And what do you wear when you go to the game? Well, I usually go to Angels games when they're playing the Red Sox, so I'll wear Red Sox gear to that game. Okay, so that would be the only time that you go to the game? Pretty much. I can go to enjoy any game, but again, if my team's not playing, I won't wear my gear to the game. If you're a neutral party and you're just there to enjoy some delicious ballpark food and some hearty fellowship from your

fellow sports fans, what do you wear? Street clothes? Yes, sir. No team gear. Do you wear like an unmarked uniform like a black ops officer? I usually will wear what I was wearing that day.

Oh, okay. Your contention is that Paul is going to baseball games and he's wearing Philly stuff even though the Phillies are not playing. And this is wrong? Yes, it's entirely wrong. And who cares? Well, I care. And everyone who's a real fan should care. Now, without going back to the prepared

text why the best way I can put it is that wearing a Phillies hat to a Dodgers Reds game it's like crashing a Civil War battle reenactment wearing like a Power Rangers costume or like a samurai costume

yeah what you just described was awesome laughter or like a samurai cowston or something. Yeah, what you just described was awesome. Because you know what? With all due respect to the Civil War reenactors in the audience, sometimes those guys take that stuff a little too seriously. It's okay to lighten it up a little. that stuff a little too seriously. It's okay to lighten it up a little. If you're a civil,

if you are dressing up like a 19th century soldier and sitting outside a tent and boiling up gruel and then pretending to fight other dudes, like, you've got a lot of nerve to say that I shouldn't show up

dressed as Captain jack sparrow you know you're all larpers you're all larpers fan is short for fanatic i realize that you should be passionate oh i'm sorry i didn't realize you had the dictionary open i closed it that's that's top of my head top of my head action right there. I understand. It's offensive is what you're saying. Would you say that you are unique in your opinion? Do you guys go to games together?

Or are you trying to control his life even from afar? I do try to do both, but we have gone to games together, as the evidence will show. Okay, let's take a look. Jesse, would you walk the evidence over to me? Yes, we have several photographs of the litigants attending baseball games together. So, here's a photograph. Now, I know who Paul is, because he's the guy wearing the Phillies shirt and the Phillies hat. And apparently he's dyed his beard and face red to match the Phillies colors. And then I know who Jeremy is not because there's a dude to his left wearing Yankees gear and you would never wear that. Rather die.

Right. No. So, so Jeremy, you are on. You're the one eating the hot dog in the suggestive manner in this photo? Yes, sir. I think what he's suggesting is that he's really going to eat the heck out of that hot dog. Thank you, Bailiff. And where are you?

Where is this taken? This is at Dodger Stadium. That looks like the all-you-can-eat p this taken? This is at Dodger stadium. And it looks like the all you can eat pavilion. It is at Dodger's stadium. And who was playing all is the Dodgers and the reds. Dodgers won three to one and the reds and the reds won three to one. And, and, and in absence of your, of your beloved Phillies, you're going to, you're going to root for the reds because of the color red.

I just sat back and enjoyed a ball game. There was absolutely no implications for my fillies whatsoever. But here's something I need. I'm sorry. I know that you think that you want to say something, but I need to say something. I don't. Not anymore. Jeremy, you're eating this hot dog. You're wearing a ball cap that I can't make out the logo on. What's that? I can explain. That is a Brooklyn Dodgers B. Uh-huh.

Go on. So extinct ball clubs are exempt from your sports fascism? Uh-huh. They are not extinct. They moved to LA. Yeah. They don't exist anymore. You think I don't know that? The same team moved to Los Angeles.

It's continuously operated just out of a new venue. Oh, okay. All right. So you're wearing a sort of protest cap. You're protesting the passage of time. Aren't we all? And is your B a secret, like a secret code reference to Boston as well? It's a little bit of a double meaning, I suppose.

Uh-huh. Right. It just doesn't seem to me that you're being fully supportive. Of the Dodgers? Yeah. Are you a Dodgers fan? Yes. Without having a strange facial here, I was a little ironic there. Okay. I'm not a Dodgers fan. Oh, okay.

Fine. So who's this dude in the Yankees gear? And why isn't he on this podcast with us? You afraid of him? His name is Shea, and we haven't heard from him in a long time. He's in Arkansas, and that's a whole other case. He's a Yankees fan who lives in Arkansas. And we're both too mad to talk about that.

Is he from Arkansas? He is. Oh, geez. Not only is he from Arkansas, he still lives in Arkansas. It's better that this guy's out of your life. Thanks. Why are you so offended, Jesse? He chose the Yankees.

Yeah, right. It's weird. It's like rooting for a bully. Oh, God. Your Honor, may I comment on the Brooklyn Dodgers hat while we're on that subject? This is Paul. Yeah, Paul, go ahead. I feel like Jeremy wearing a Brooklyn Dodgers hat to a Los Angeles Dodgers game as a Red Sox fan is particularly disingenuous given the rivalry between the cities of boston and new york and so you know jeremy admits to being because it's brooklyn there's no rivalry between the brooklyn dodgers and the and the boston braves or whoever it was was playing a million years ago when there were the dodgers that was the right i know i know when the dodgers, everybody. Stop. Stop emailing me right now. The dictionary definition of offended. Yeah, well, that hat is not a simple hat that you're wearing, obviously. Right.

Jeremy, you would agree that there's some there's some kind of commentary. This hat is, as we used to say in the Yale literary theory team, it is problematized. What you said. Right. Okay, good. Jeremy, you might very well find a Los Angeles Dodgers fan born and bred in Los Angeles wearing a Brooklyn Dodgers hat simply because it's an interesting hat. Okay. It's part of,

it's part of team history, but you're not where are you, are you wearing it in support of the team or are you, or not? Well, they are technically the Dodgers and this is my case. Yeah. I'm supporting the team that's playing at home because I have nothing else

vested in it. Okay. You could have worn nothing. I mean, that's true. You would have to wear clothes, but you could have worn no, no's true. I mean, you would have to wear clothes. Oh. But you could have worn no gang signs of any kind, right?

That's true. That's true. I could have. So why did you pick this particular hat? Well, because it was a team that was actually playing. And since I didn't really have a true vested interest, I thought it might be interesting to root for the home team. So root, root, root for the home team, which were the Dodgers. So why didn't you wear a contemporary Dodgers hat? I don't know. It's just I lived in Brooklyn and I know people really miss baseball there. And I enjoy the history.

You felt a connection to a different place. Yep. Oh, I see. When you say that people really missed baseball there, would you say that most of your friends in Brooklyn were 80-year-old Jewish men? Most of your friends in Brooklyn were 80-year-old Jewish men. All I know is when the Brooklyn Cyclones opened their door, the single-A affiliate for the Mets,

people were going out in droves. I even drove out to go in droves. And catch a bases ball game by the sea on Coney Island. A delightful afternoon. Even I enjoy that. And I'll wear whatever I want, because I have free agency. There is some more evidence, Bailiff, if you do look at the photo, with the three of me and two other Red Sox fans at Fenway wearing Red Sox gear. That's appropriate usage.

Sure, that's entirely appropriate, because that's you conforming to the mob well if they're at fenway and they're conforming to the mob it's true because you can see from their faces they're not really watching the game that was just a laugh of i'm sure that that may mean something that was a little comment on something about i went to a game at Fenway one time, and I was very disappointed with the quality of the fans. Oh, wow. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There's a lot more interest in the various beach balls

than there was in the baseball on the field. Oh, you must have gone after 2004. Why? What happened in 2004 after they won? They turned into... the fans turned into monsters like the fans got a little complacent i would say that it was a weird thing having grown up in boston even as a non-sports fan i could kind of root for the red sox because they were underdogs as an npr listening public television watching nerd i could i could still root for a bunch of losers you know what i mean like? That made sense to me.

I remember listening to an episode of Selected Shorts, the public radio program about baseball, hosted by Roger Angel from The New Yorker and A. Bartlett Giamatti, the former baseball commissioner and Yale professor. Yale president, thank you very much. Excuse me. Yale president, thank you very much. Excuse me. And they were discussing how many literary types liked the Red Sox for that very reason.

They said, as I recall, the metaphor that Roger Angel said was, they run like a scarlet thread through this evening's program. And if they are scarlet's thread, they will doubtless snap before the night is over. Too much, Roger Angel. That guy should really read the elements of style, am I right? The dictionary definition of showing off. But it's true. After 2004, it was the world turned upside down because now they were world champions. There was nothing left to mourn. There was no sadness. There was nothing left to mourn. There was no sadness.

There was no, uh, moodiness or wabi-sabi, uh, to them. It was all just pure triumphalism, which is best left to the Yankees. And there certainly is no courage in wearing the Boston Red Sox logo in Fenway

Park, I guess. Right. So I don't, I don't know why I want to look at that picture anymore. So Paul. Yes, Your Honor. I was sort of inclined to lean towards you in this case, but now that I look at this picture, you are really rocking a lot of Phillies gear.

You are really throwing up some colors. This is not just a hat. You've got the jersey. Yeah. And you have what looks like the old style hat, right? Yes, the 1980s hat that I grew up with. Right. The base color of red went from a nice 1980s maroon in the hat to this bright red uh uh bloody shirt yes and this is the contemporary shirt this philly shirt with the stars for eyes right yes it is right so it's sort of like it's sort of like

you got these two non-matching reds and you're just going boom boom phillies phillies yeah that's true do people get do people stop you do people stop you at this game and go, what is wrong with you? No one asked me what was wrong with me. See, at the time this picture was taken, the Phillies had just played the Dodgers in the National League Championships series in consecutive years and beaten them. So while the Phillies were not actually playing in this game, there was a little bit of... You were a hated quality. You were a hated person. Well, in so much as Los Angeles Dodgers fans are going to hate anything other than traffic. But you were rubbing it in their faces. A little bit. And do you get the impression that whatever your decision in life, that Jeremy is right, that people are offended when you wear uniforms and other gang markings that do not match one of the gangs that is on the field?

No, I disagree with that assessment. How did you know the Dodgers fans were mad at you? One guy booed. That was it. One guy, as I'm walking by with my all-I-can-e mad at you? One guy booed. That was it. One guy, as I'm walking by with my all-I-can-eat-hot-dogs, booed. But specifically, you would guess, in context of them having lost two sports games to this particular team. Right. Okay.

Yes. Jeremy, can you provide any evidence? I don't see Paul getting attacked by anybody in any of these photos. Well, may it please the court, we were watching a baseball game in Los Angeles. I'm not going to pretend to laugh at that because I know it has meaning, but why don't you just explain? Okay, well, nobody cares. Paul's from the Northeast, though. He should know better than to risk his family's safety wearing Phillies gear or his own safety.

It would be different if you wore Yankees gear in Fenway Park. Yeah, and especially if they weren't playing in the game. Yeah, exactly. If I could comment on that, too, Your Honor. Go, please. your honor. Um, uh, living in Colorado,

you know, Denver is a fairly transient city. When you go to a game in Denver, there are people in all sorts of gear from different teams. Uh, you know, if, if, if Rocky's fans were going to care enough to pick a fight with someone

wearing a third party teams gear, they'd be, they'd spend the whole game fighting because there's people from all over in the city wearing their home team's gear. It's a different culture is what you're saying. Yes. Right. Would you wear a Phillies outfit to...

Do the Phillies have a main rival? What would you say, Paul? I would say the Mets are the Phillies. Historically, the Mets are the Phillies' biggest rival. Okay. And if the Mets were playing the Rockies in Shea and you went out and you were out there on business or whatever. Yeah.

And would you wear Phillies to that game? Very definitely. I would wear Phillies to that game. You would wear Phillies into Shea even though, even though they were not playing. I would. And would, and how would you be greeted there?

I, I should say I have never been in a fight. I have never even been in a shouting match at a game for wearing Phillies gear when the Phillies weren't playing. My anticipation when I go to a game is that if I smile and chat with people, that they're going to be fine with me, and that has been my experience so far. So, Jeremy, your contention is not that Paul is putting himself at risk. It's not even proven that he is causing a disturbance or that he is causing offense in anyone else but you. You are personally offended and your offense is purely philosophical.

Would that be a correct prepared statement to say? I think that's part of it. My embarrassment, it does factor into this case. Your embarrassment? Yes, it is embarrassing to sit next to Paul when he's decked out in Philly's Garrett or Dodgers Reds game. But is there any reason manifest in the outside world that you should feel embarrassed? Do people look at you? Do they scowl at you?

Do you know that this is disruptive? Do people say, what's up with your friend, dude? No, I don't know other Dodgers fans that were in the stadium with us that day, so I can't confirm that. You were just embarrassed internally. I am. Jesse, should Jeremy be embarrassed, in your expert opinion, as a sports fan? Yes. Explain to me why. Yes.

Explain to me why. Because it's as though he's at the game with someone who didn't know what teams were playing. It's as though he had gone to the game with his aunt, and his aunt had been to a baseball game once, bought a baseball hat and shirt, and thought it was appropriate to wear that hat and shirt to every baseball game she went to from there on out because they were baseball clothes. Okay. This is also what a child would do. Yes, that's also true. That is a perfect, it is like a six-year-old got for their birthday from their uncle in Seattle, a Seattle Mariners uniform and hat.

And they decided they would always wear that to every baseball game they went to, whether the Mariners were playing or not. So, so if a, if a six year old went into Philly stadium wearing a Seattle Mariners hat, the crowd should boo him and throw things on him and kick this six-year-old in the head. I don't think anyone is advocating for any of those things. It's a slippery slope. It's a slippery slope argument. I'm entitled to make that. I think any outfit that would prompt that kind of reaction is actually, in a way, an

appropriate outfit. So if you are wearing- An appropriate outfit, do you say? Or an inappropriate? I didn't hear what you way, an appropriate outfit. So if you are wearing... An appropriate outfit, do you say? Or an inappropriate? I didn't hear what you said. An appropriate outfit. In the sense that it is an outfit with meaning. I think what's embarrassing about wearing full-on Philly's garb, and I should point out that he appears to be wearing a matching undershirt as well,

under the jersey. That is a Phillies t-shirt, yes. Yeah. He is that it is like getting all dressed up. You're getting all dressed up for one thing, putting in a lot of effort for one thing, but then showing up at a completely different thing. It's like being in the desert in scuba gear or something. Would your opinion be different?

First of all, thank you for standing in for Jeremy. Sure. Would your opinion be different? Someone has to make the argument. If Paul toned it down, wasn't rocking... First of all, Paul, are you rocking any other Philly stuff? Like any undergarments, socks, lanyards, badges, pins?

I can't say for certain whether in that picture. I don't know for certain whether I owned them yet at this point. But the possibility exists, and I realize I'm jeopardizing my case with this. No, but I appreciate that you're telling the truth. The possibility exists that I was wearing Philly's Crocs. Whoa. Oh my god. Yeah. Oh boy.

I mean, this is coloring my moral judgment overall. This is taking a real dark turn. This is taking a dark turn. Somebody play Ride of the Valkyries. Are you a six-year-old? Wait a minute. Are you six years old? Is that the problem that I misunderstood? Do you have fair?

He could still be an elderly aunt. I'm going to say in this picture, I was most likely wearing red sneakers. All right. My, in, in, in answer to your question,

judge Hodgman, I think if he just happened to be wearing a Phillies cap. Yeah. Uh, because you know, that's the kind of thing he would just wear in his day-to-day life. And it could feel coincidental and thus much less ridiculous than wearing a full-on Phillies outfit.

So you absolutely side with Jeremy in this. Oh, there's no doubt about it. I mean, it's so goofy. It's like, and what's awful about it is it's sort of an affront to fans of both teams. It's like going to the thing and saying I don't know you

might as well just yell baseball. Oh that's that's wrong. I'm a supporter of the sport in general. That's all. No, then you could get yourself one of those umpire hats. So only in the situation where contextually it could pass as, oh, I accidentally fell into this hat this morning and I couldn't take it off, so I have to wear it.

Yeah. I mean, what it's about is the relationship between the amount of effort he has put into this thing and how much it has to do with the event he's attending. Okay. So if he's just put on a Phillies hat because that's the baseball hat that he owns, he wants to cover his head because it's sunny at the ballgame, that's perfectly reasonable. But if he's putting on a full costume... As long as there's no intentionality of supporting the Phillies at a game at which the Phillies have no stake, that's the embarrassing.

That's the, as we would say in the Yale literary theory squad, that's the break. That's the incongruity, the problematizing incongruity of what he's doing. I would characterize it as a profoundly problematizing incongruity. Sweet.

May I respond to that, Your Honor? You may, Paul. sort of a completely random, like just showing up in a t-shirt that says baseball is that, you know, there are 30 teams in major league baseball and they all have a relationship to one another in varying degrees. You know, the Seattle Mariners and the Philadelphia Phillies are probably the least related of all the teams, the Dodgers and the Phillies. I would say there's, there's a lot of history there. And, you know, it, it was not an accidental decision. It wasn't what I was just wearing that day. It was intentional that I was going to fly my team's colors that day. You know, no one's thinking about the Phillies except the Phillies, right?

That's true. Especially this reminds me of the famous rivalry between Yale and Princeton, which only Princeton knows about. princeton knows about i mean you you understand that dodgers fans are known across this nation or to explain a joke from earlier judge hodgman not caring about anything yeah uh except possibly dodger dogs uh-huh to some extent dodger dogs so does that make paul's offense in your eyes better or or i mean more offensive or less offensive that he's wearing this outfit there? If Paul was at a Yankees game wearing Red Sox clothes, if he was at a Giants game wearing Dodgers clothes, if he was at a Cubs game wearing Cardinals clothes, I can understand the sort of second degree implied meaning. But to wear Phillies clothes to a Dodgers game is just to appear to have confused the words on the front of the clothes that you wear. Paul, I think I understand what your position is.

You want to be able to wear Philly stuff to whatever it is. Whatever sports event it is. Yes. Including, I presume, Jesse and Jeremy, if Paul wore a Philly's hat and Philly's shirt to a, what's i can go i can go exactly where you want to go with this i wore i wore philly's gear to an aussie rules footy match in melbourne australia that's too weird but i'm talking about like wearing uh wearing this outfit jesse and jeremy i'm just trying to wrap my head around this. Do you just not have other clothes?

Is that what this is about? That's a factor. All right, what about this, Paul? Have you worn your Phillies hat to a Philadelphia Eagles game? I watch football on television. game. I watch football on television. Jeremy, would you be offended if

Paul wore his Phillies hat to a Los Angeles Lakers game? Oh, boy. I don't think I would. I don't think that would offend me. Would you be offended if Paul wore his Phillies hat and Phillies jersey and Phillies t-shirt and Phillies Crocs to a Los Angeles Lakers game?

No, Your Honor. Jesse, would you be offended if Paul wore his Phillies hat, jersey, shirt, and Crocs to a Los Angeles Lakers game? I think I would feel... Is that an equal? Piteous offense? Would that be an equal, greater, or lesser offense than what is pictured here? I think it would be a lesser offense given the differences

of the sports but more alarming but it would be just what i don't know it's just what who all right judge can i just mention one thing who is this this is jeremy hi all right jeremy this is your final statement okay it's a good one never in the history of a sport team sport have three teams played each other at the same time when that happens i would approve of paul's usage of of if they were You took something that was so beautiful and evocative and profound and persuasive, and then you

turned it into a petty taunt. You want me to rule in your favor, and you want me to say that he cannot wear Philly's gear to any baseball game in which the Phillies do not appear. And you don't really care about other sports. Do I have your position correct, Jeremy? Yes.

And I even have a concession for Paul. Oh. Well, Paul, if I'm not saying when, but if the court rules in my favor, I would grant you, you can wear a hat and a jersey that just say baseball, like the bailiff suggested. Wristbands, crocs, they can all say baseball, and I'll pay to have

them made. I got my own bailiff arguing your case, convincing me to deny a man a right to wear whatever clothes he wants. You are you're winning this thing. And now you're turning into a big bully. Oh, by the way, if I if I win, here's a concession.

You can dress like a jerk. I think I've heard everything I need to hear. I'm going into my chambers to listen to my Yale fight songs. Think this over. I'll be back in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Well, I have to ask you a pretty simple question. If you're going to a game that doesn't involve the Phillies, why would you dress in a full Steve Jelts costume? I consider more of a Mickey Morandini,

but I see where you're going. One of the things that happens at these games is I run into other Phillies fans, and we talk baseball, we talk Phillies. When I'm doing something that's part of the larger baseball community, I think it's appropriate to fly my team's colors. Jeremy, why are you meddling in your friend's affairs?

Well, I have to sit next to him. You could get him a ticket a few seats away. Or just put a bunch of how about this what if you got him like six tickets and you brought six little kids and gave them all philly's hats so it looks like he's the coach of a little league team i will say that paul paul's i really do think paul's at risk of giving his kids the wrong idea about he's on the wrong side of this argument. So I don't want to see his children put in the same situation that Paul's put himself in. Jeremy, do you think you've got a shot at winning this case given what a terrible job you did arguing it? I did, but I do think I'm on the fence here because I didn't do a great job.

But I think that the evidence speaks for itself. You saw the photos. Paul, I'm baffled by your behavior. I'm not certain if it requires legal censure. How do you feel about your chances? Well, as a Philadelphia sports fan, I live my life in a constant state of pessimism. So I am assuming that I am going to lose. Okay. Well, we'll be back in just a second with Judge John Hodgman's ruling.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound.

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Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit.

No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org if you need a laugh and you're on the go this is one of the rare and happy occasions where bailiff jesse and i get to be in the same i wouldn't exactly call it a room i would call it a a stifling styrofoam container uh and it is i'm especially glad to

have him right in front of me now because this is a case that that straddles the lines of both sports of which i know nothing and and Jesse knows a lot, certainly with regard to baseball, and fashion, of which I know a little, and Jesse certainly knows a lot as the curator and host of Put This On. And I'm curious about the way these two worlds intermingle, the way the boundary between them becomes porous, as we would say on the Yale Literary Squad, and the different signifiers that you are giving in the different contexts that you are presenting your Phillies semiotics in. your Phillies semiotics in.

In the context of a Dodgers game, in this text, you are putting forward some very strong Phillies language. Is this an offense to sports? You know I don't care about that. Because insofar as it is an offense to sports, it is an offense to the mythology and hero worship of team worship. And it is an offense to a culture of conformity and to arbitrary team groupings and hatred based on nothing but tribalism. So to me, the idea that you should not wear what you want to wear in what is clearly a casual setting because your friend is going to be embarrassed speaks to both the gross

conformity and cowardice of sports mentality. You may now begin writing your emails to me. But I was moved by Jesse's reaction as a sports fan and also as someone who is reading wardrobe in context all the time and thinking, and I was forced to think to myself, well, I don't care about the sports thing. But what if, what if Paul was wearing a Phillies uniform, say, to a white tie event? To a white tie event. What if Paul was a member of the Whiffenpoofs and got up to sing the Whiffenpoofs song or and instead of wearing white tie wore this ridiculous Philly's clown outfit? To me, it would suggest that he does not understand the context in which he is presenting himself. And to be clear, when you say ridiculous Phillies clown, you're referring specifically to the Philly fanatic?

The Philly fanatic. Honky-konky? You don't care about sports, but you do have a Philly fanatic impression at the ready. I was just taking a guess that that was an impression. Because there aren't very many sounds you can make through a giant furry outfit. more on your side, Paul, than on Jeremy's. There is something, I think, a little woefully out of context to this particular outfit that you are sporting here. You are really pushing it, buddy.

You are not casually supporting the team that you love. You are not sending out a signal to the two other Phillies fans at the LA Dodgers game so that you guys can swap tails. You are basically daring the world to tell you how wrong you are. From a sports perspective.

I suppose from a wardrobe perspective, my fashion perspective, definitely. It looks funny to me. Therefore, I am sadly compelled to come close to ruling in Jeremy's favor, but I shall not. I cannot compel you to forego your love for the sad bases,

ball squad that you represent completely. This is not a white tie affair. This is a sports game. The definition of casual. The rules are as relaxed as the elastic waist bands that sports fans love. And nerds revile. Except for some. Except for when it's nighttime.

So, I must censure you all, and though I rule in favor of your liberty over Jeremy's attempt to control your every waking moment,

you cannot wear that crazy outfit unless the Phillies are playing. I agree in principle with Jesse and Jeremy. Two Js. You must limit your Phillies garb to one non-provocative piece of Phillies memorabilia. An 80s era Philly's cap

is fine because that essentially marks you not necessarily as a sports fan, but as a loathsome hipster. By wearing an old timey cap, like you also did, Jeremy, with your Brooklyn Dodgers, you are making an ironic comment. I know this is somewhat inappropriate,

but I'm still going to wear it. I think there's enough irony in the sports world today that that would be acceptable. And you would be able to give your secret message to all Phillies fans in the world. And you would get to commune with the team that you love. And I think you would be a little less embarrassing to your friend.

So I find, I do not find in favor of the plaintiff. I do find in favor of the defendant all with the caveat that hat only from now on, unless the Phillies are playing. And as far as what you wear in the Colorado Rocky stadium, if everyone's wearing crazy stuff, go for it, man,

because marijuana is legal there. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Well, Jeremy, how do you feel i feel somewhat vindicated i suppose um at least you know he won't be flying colors of every part of his body oh how are you feeling uh well i'm i'm glad i'm still going to be able to wear philly's gear to whatever game i want to. And I imagine this ruling sort of protects me from myself because I've been

staring at this picture the entire time we've been talking. The picture of yourself. Yeah. Well, the three of us, not Philly's gear, Philly's hat, that hat in particular.

And, and Paul, you, you should take, you should you should take what win I give you. Indeed. As you should too, Jeremy. Jeremy, I didn't even notice, and I certainly didn't mention, this hand signal that you're giving in this other photo. What is that?

Right. I think I was pretending to be a Dodgers fan so I think that's a W for Westside is that a gang sign I don't believe so Jesse do you see the thing this thing that he's doing I would characterize it as a pseudo gang sign I would characterize it as

an Airsats gang sign yeah don't do that don't do that anymore in photos that's my order for you yes sir there's a there's a world of difference between an ironic brooklyn dodgers baseball cap and a white guy doing an ironic gang sign jeremy you know if you're concerned about how about your hat choice, and I recommend you go to put this on dot com and buy one of the brand new put this on ball caps. They're handsome, historic and have no team association.

They just say baseball on them. They have a white star on a navy blue background. Baseball. Excellent. Baseball. Well, Jeremy, Paul, thanks for joining us on the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast. Baseball. Excellent. Baseball. Well, Jeremy, Paul, thanks for joining us on the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast. Baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball. When they play all the baseball, I will holler baseball ball.

You know, Judge Sean Hodgman? What is it, Bailiff Jesse? In my sundown perambulations of late through the outer parts of Brooklyn, I've observed several parties of youngsters playing at base a certain game of ball. I wish such sights were more common among us. Are you reading aloud from your Roger Angel book again? Close. Walt Whitman. Oh. By the way,

Roger Angel's a great writer. He's basically as good as it gets. I didn't mean, sorry about that, Roger Angel. Walt Whitman, though, B-. Yeah. Let's clear the docket. We got a couple cases here. Here's something from Gabe.

I'm an undergraduate student, and I have an issue with a TA for a writing-intensive class I'm taking. The TA has, on several occasions, taken points off of assignments for errors that I feel are trivial. In one case, I received a B plus lowered from an A because I used the default document margins of 1.25 inches instead of the one-inch margins specified in the assignment description. In another case, I received a C+, rather than a B+, on an assignment because I submitted it electronically at 5.27 p.m. when it was due at 5.25 p.m. These deductions are frustrating. They are not connected to the quality of the work or the effort I put in, and they're rather simple and honest technical mistakes that anyone could have made. My TA argues that he has treated me fairly and that I am deflecting my own failure

to comply with the rules onto him. I believe that even if he enforces these rules in the same way for every student, that doesn't mean that the rules are fair or conducive to learning. The DMV provides the same service to everyone, rich or poor, but the service is universally terrible. Am I unfairly demanding special dispensation from the rules, or am I correctly pointing out that enforcing certain rules is not worth the cost? I'm not sure I understand your argument, Gabe. Are you saying that the DMV should give you better service because you're a rich jerk? Because you're sounding a little whiny here. I think his argument is that the DMV should give him better service because of the width of his margins.

Okay, margin width. Listen, this is a pretty grindy thing. margin with. Listen, this is a pretty grindy thing. And as someone who is married to a school teacher, grade grinds are the bane of a teacher's existence. And I will say, clear rules that are given to you ahead of time that are not followed are going to be punished mercilessly. going to be punished mercilessly. And the truth is, you were given the rules. And I'm sorry, nerd, that someone is asking of you compliance with rules in a jockish way. But sometimes, as I learned at Yale, you need to have discipline. If, for whatever arbitrary reason, the rule is one-inch margins and you know it, make sure it's one-inch margins.

Two minutes late? Yeah, you know what? You should have gotten a D. The rule is clear. Follow it. It's called character building. Now drop and give me 40. Thousand. Here's something from John. In episode 110, Veranda writes, You openly mocked the thought of anyone naming their plants.

In that particular episode, Fern's on a porch. While I agree that naming random plants random names is close to Busey crazy, my wife and I have two plants that have names, Doug and Ed. Both plants were given to us after a loved one had passed away. Doug, the rubber tree plant, is named after her father, and Ed, a chiflera, was named after my uncle. So, my question is, do the circumstances mitigate our potential descent into craziness, or should we just admit we are nutso?

I'm feeling very jockish today, Bailiff Jesse. You guys are nuts. Weirdos. Not in the mainstream. Stop calling plants names. I don't care who they honor. You can name Judge John Hodgman one and two, I suppose. That would be fine.

So you're willing to make that exception. Would that require your death? Uh, well, now I worry for my life. Can I just say... Do you disagree with me, Bailiff Jesse? If I happen to... If anything about my judgments, my beloved catchphrase, my bailiffing, my public radio hosting is important to John and his wife, I would ask that should I die an untimely death,

they not honor me by naming a rubber tree plant after me. And certainly not a chiflera. No, whatever that is. I take your point, Jesse. I think it is a dubious honor at best to name a plant after a deceased loved one. I mean, if the loved one had requested such an honor before they passed or in their will or something like that, they would have mentioned it. Right. And, you know, I am I am a lover of liberty.

I think you should do whatever you like. I think you should do whatever you like. But if you're asking this court to say you are less weird than a guy who names his ferns because you have named your plants after dead people, I don't think logic cannot support that statement. Oh, geez. We're sorry for your loss, though, guys. Yes, we are very sorry for your loss. I apologize. Our thanks this week to Jason Richards for naming our case. If you want to name a future Judge John Hodgman case, follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne at Hodgman or at MaxFunHQ

or like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. Just search for Judge John Hodgman. If you have a case for this court, no matter too big, no matter too small, you can find instructions on how to submit it at MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho. MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Please don't try to name a case after your dead plant, though. Well, I will find out. I will notice. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows

at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at gosuperego.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at forum.maximumfun.org and our Facebook group at facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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