Judge John Hodgman - Until Death Drew You Art

Episode Date: January 22, 2025

Would you keep a creepy portrait of yourself as a baby? What if the painter of the portrait was a murderer? Recorded live at Sixth & I in Washington DC, Marty says, "Yes, of course!" But his wife, Sar...ah, wants to get rid of this creepy painting of her beloved husband. Who's right? Who's wrong? PLUS! Linda Holmes and Jean Grae return to the court to help adjudicate some Little Weirdsies!Thanks to our generous audience and followers, Jesse and Theresa’s fundraising goal for Al Otro Lado keeps going up! Can we get to $150,000? Visit alotrolado.org/letsdosomething to do something helpful for migrants at the US-Mexico border. And thank you to everyone who has donated so far!Tickets are still available for most of the West Coast Road Court dates. Go to maximumfun.org/events for links and more! We are on TikTok and YouTube! Follow us on both @judgejohnhodgmanpod! Follow us on Instagram @judgejohnhodgman.Thanks to reddit user u/dense-Virus-1692 for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at reddit.com/r/maximumfun! Judge John Hodgman: Road Court is happening NOW! Get your tickets at maximumfun.org/events.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I am Bill of Jesse Thorne with me, Judge John Hodgman. This week's episode was recorded live in Washington DC. What an incredible night we had in our nation's capital. It was such a fun show, such an incredible audience. The disputes were amazing, including one about an extremely creepy baby portrait. Check out the socials to see a picture of it.
Starting point is 00:00:24 Plus, we had two tremendous friends of the court on stage with us. That's right, Linda Holmes and your occasional guest bailiff, Jean Grey. Now Linda and Jean have something in common. They're friends of the court. We love them so much. They're brilliant geniuses,
Starting point is 00:00:42 but they also have something specific in common. They both have a book coming out this year. In fact, in the next few months, Linda's newest novel is called Back After This, and it comes out on February 25th. And Jean's collection of personal essays is called In My Remaining Years, and it comes out March 18th. I have read an advanced copy of both books and they're both incredible. So you should go ahead and preorder them right now, wherever you get your books.
Starting point is 00:01:11 Why not try your local bookseller or bookshop.org or books or magic, or go ahead and put it on a hold in your local library, support these incredible geniuses who came to our stage. Now let's go to the stage at sixth and I in Washington, DC. People of Washington, DC, you asked us for live justice and we are here to deliver it. The court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session.
Starting point is 00:01:40 Let's bring out our first case. Please welcome to the stage, Lauren and Jeff. Jeff is a civil engineer. His wife Lauren works in the Library of Congress and does cosplay in her spare time. Some time ago, Jeff gave his wife Lauren a backseat driver's license as a joke, but now he wants to revoke it. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Lauren and Jeff, welcome to the courtroom. Lauren, cosplay, you say. Now, since I'm wondering, are you actually a librarian or is that just your Judge John Hodgman fan cosplay? So I am actually a librarian, but I work for the copyright office as a librarian.
Starting point is 00:02:27 So it's a little niche. That's a wild woo from the audience for the concept of copyright. In the parlance of Richard Scarry, what do you do all day? My normal work is to bother publishers and tell them that they have not sent in their required copies that they are supposed to be sending in and making lists of books from publishers, books and other things, movies. And if publishers are not compliant in sending in the required copies of their books for the Library of Congress, Are you authorized to get into some, like, Lara Croft cosplay and go sneak into Penguin Random House and get what you need?
Starting point is 00:03:10 We wished we could. I understand you can't tell your secrets. That's fine. Are you authorized to send Woody Woodpecker cartoons directly to VHS companies that sell in drugstores? No, we just send nasty letters. Well, Lauren, you seek justice in this fake court, is that correct? I do. What is the nature of the justice you seek?
Starting point is 00:03:31 What is a backseat driver's license? Well, it's a license that is, well, I mean, it's kind of a fake driver's license, but it says backseat driver's license on it, and it allows you to pester the person that's driving. And Jeff, hello. Hi. Welcome to the show. You gave Lauren a backseat driver's license. Where did you find a backseat driver's license to give?
Starting point is 00:03:57 Did you make it yourself or is it something you bought? No, I either got it when I was in middle school at a garage sale, or I had to think back to that, or just after graduating high school, my friends and I went down to Florida and stopped at south of the border on the way. Sure. It's a very giant junk store with all sorts of junk, and I probably saw it there and saw this, this is stupid, let me get it. So either middle school or high school. And you are an adult now, shall we?
Starting point is 00:04:29 Yes, yes. John, the point here is that no matter when and where he got it, he got it in 1962. So when you were in middle school or high school, you were at a garage sale or a junk shop and you found this and you looked at it and you someday I shall be married and you put it in your pocket Yes, yes say for a rainy day and you ended up giving this keepsake to your beloved Lauren. Why? It's probably like five or six years ago. We're just
Starting point is 00:04:58 Trying to clean up the house get rid of clutter. I saw it and Handed it to her and laughed. Is she a backseat driver by nature? Um, occasionally. What kind, how does she backseat drive? Give me a specific example. Uh, sometimes if I drive a little aggressively, she'll note it. Lauren, don't pretend to be reasonable, sir. You're under fake oath.
Starting point is 00:05:26 So, yeah, sometimes if I drive defensively, usually it's when there's somebody driving at or... When you say you drive defensively, does that mean that you drive on top of other cars? I don't know, you know, you look ahead. You look two, three cars ahead. Okay. You see what's going on.
Starting point is 00:05:43 There's next to you, who's behind you, who's in front of you, and usually if there's somebody in the left lane driving at the speed limit or below, that happens a lot in Virginia, in the DC area. Yes. I will see, you know. No, Jeff, don't say what you're going to say. If you see someone in the left lane
Starting point is 00:05:58 and they're driving the speed limit or a little under, what do you do? Well, I'll see if it's because there isn't traffic in front of them. And they're not the cause of it. Or if they just feel like driving on the way speed they want. If they're parking, if they're camping in the left lane, what do you do, Jeff? I will get a little bit closer to them. And this is, this is just to clarify, this is what you call driving defensively. Oh, yeah. Because you're seeing that there's no one up ahead of them.
Starting point is 00:06:28 Right. And do you flash your headlights at them? I remind you you're under 50. Maybe once or twice. But every few years it happens. Because most people will realize that they're driving too slow and then get over right then and then let you know me in 50 cars behind me past them because they wanted to go to speed limit oh don't don't get me wrong Jeff they're monsters right I understand right but I don't flash the
Starting point is 00:06:57 beams honk my horn or drive you know veer over try don't flash your beams unless you do well it's absolutely have to. Not anymore. It has been a long time since I've done that. Are you a backseat driver, Lauren? Did he hand you this card randomly or is there something behind it? There might be a little bit behind it. I try not to do it too much.
Starting point is 00:07:19 It has to be something that's really bothering me. There was that one time when he did Flash's high beams and I was like, you cannot do that. I do not wanna be married to that person. Do not do that anymore. But yeah, mostly it's, yeah, it's mostly like, you know, when he gets, what did you say, slightly tailgating that one time, you know, the slight tailgating.
Starting point is 00:07:42 I don't like that. Okay, is there anything else that Jeff does as a driver that you don't like that you'd like to get me to yell at him about now? Sometimes it's after the slight tailgating, he'll like speed around the person and then like cut back over into that lane. I'm like, oh God, please don't do that. Oh, you'll pass them on the right and then I say, mm-hmm. All right.
Starting point is 00:08:03 Jeff, did you know that this, we were going to get into this today? Oh, yeah. Okay, good. Oh, yeah'll pass them on the right and then I say, mm-hmm. All right. Jeff, did you know that this, we were gonna get into this today? Oh yeah. Okay, good. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just talking about defensive driving here, John. Lauren, since we have... 10 and two, pass on the right. Let them know you're angry. Since we have you pulled over here,
Starting point is 00:08:23 may I please see your backseat driver's license and registration? Yes, so this is, I do concede this is a problem. I cannot find it. We moved a couple years ago and I have been looking everywhere for it. I don't know where it went. So you've lost your backseat driving license? So, yeah, I have lost it. Jeff, you have a counter suit that you want to offer? Oh, yes. What is that?
Starting point is 00:08:51 Well, first, I told her she didn't have the license. She can't claim to have it, because that's just 9-10ths of the law. But the counter suit is? In other words, because she doesn't have her backseat driver's license that you gave her, this prank thing that you got at South of the Border in 1962, she is no longer entitled to give you her opinions of your driving.
Starting point is 00:09:12 Correct. Or evoke saying, well, you gave it to me. Is that something that you used to do when you had the backseat driver's license? You would say, well, I'm entitled to because I'm a licensed backseat driver. Yes, I have said that a few times because I feel I'm officially licensed. Right, but now you've lost it. You know, just because you lose a driver's license doesn't mean you're not still licensed. You just need to get a replacement somehow. Yeah, that's true. You just have to go reapply at the backseat DMV.
Starting point is 00:09:38 Yes. It's a little trickier for backseat drivers. You can do a mail-in version as well. Jeff, so what is your counter-suit then? Several years ago, Lauren tore her Achilles tendon, had surgery, months of physical therapy, and then that time I drove her everywhere. Drove her to work, drove her to the doctor, you know. And in that time she said, you know,
Starting point is 00:09:57 thank you so much, I really appreciate it. You know, once I get better, I'll be driving more to make up for it. Mm-hmm, and that hasn't happened? Has not really happened at all. Do you not like to drive, Lauren? Yeah, I don't really like driving that much. If you were driving, you wouldn't have to worry about Jeff's antics on the road.
Starting point is 00:10:14 Yeah, but then sometimes then he becomes a backseat driver and complains about me driving. What does Lauren do wrong on the road, Jeff? It's mainly when she speeds... Doesn't flip enough people off? Yeah. Well, it's mainly when she exceeds the speed in residential areas. You know, highways is fine. You know, if she goes, like, five over is fine, but if she's going like ten over in
Starting point is 00:10:37 a residential area, that's when I'll mention, hey, you might want to slow down a little, and that's about it. You know, and that's about it. How do you feel when Jeff critiques you in this way? Yeah, I get a little annoyed. Who's the better driver? I think just probably a little better. Although he does tend to be a little more aggressive Is there any other things that he's done that you? complain about All allow it
Starting point is 00:11:04 That wasn't my line of questioning, but we're here. Bear in mind it's a 90-minute program. You know, I don't want to take up the whole night. I feel like there's always something. So what would you have me rule if I were to rule in your favor, Lauren? That I be allowed to be a backseat driver, even though I cannot currently find my license. Lauren, have you ever investigated getting a replacement backseat driver's license? I mean...
Starting point is 00:11:33 I have not, because I kind of feel like it's something that you should be given. Like, I feel weird buying one for myself. Okay, fair enough. Jeff, what would you have me rule if I were to rule in your favor? To state that, you know, since she can't produce the license, that she has no grounds to say she's a backseat driver legally, and also to remember her promise and to drive more. Not even, you know, not even 50-50, like 25% of the time. Just do a little bit more.
Starting point is 00:12:03 Just a little bit more. And not nag me or complain whenever I suggest it. All right. I think I've heard enough to make my decision and here it is. You both do some terrible things as drivers. I mean, people who park in the left lane or camp, how we say camp in the left lane, people who drive the speed limit or under the speed limit in the passing lane are annoying and they are doing the wrong thing because you're just supposed to be passing in that lane. And a lot of times you get the sense, right,
Starting point is 00:12:38 intuitively that they think they're doing the world of service by blocking traffic so that no one can drive five or 10 miles over the speed limit. And that is when you, Jeff, decide to become a vigilante and come up behind them and risk their lives and yours by getting too close, passing on the right, and also signaling to them that they're, what do we call them, jagoffs?
Starting point is 00:13:02 Yeah, I believe that's correct. Technical term. And all of this ultimately, you know, causes, increases the possibility of a dangerous interaction on the road at high speed that you don't want to do. That's not a good thing either. Lauren, don't speed in residential areas. I mean, where do you got to go so fast that you might touch a person or an animal or a vehicle with your car and all of a sudden your life is on a completely
Starting point is 00:13:27 different path that's ruined forever? Don't do that. What I'm ordering is for Jeff, you, to go and find a new backseat driver's license for Lauren. And Lauren, you find one for Jeff. Yes! Because you both have to keep each other honest and be better drivers. This is the sound of a gavel.
Starting point is 00:13:49 Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Thank you, Lauren and Jeff. Judge Hodgman, we do have some more justice to dispense during our Swift Justice segment. I think we could use some help in doing it. Yes, we have a very special guest tonight, one of our favorite guests that we've ever had in D.C., and she's back again. Jesse, would you please introduce her?
Starting point is 00:14:16 She is a best-selling novelist, most recently of the book Flying Solo. She has another book right around the corner. She's one of the hosts of NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour. Please welcome our friend, Linda Holmes. Linda Holmes to the stage, please. Listen to that roar of applause. Yeah, I just want to say,
Starting point is 00:14:40 Linda is wearing a Bryce Harper jersey right now. Linda is wearing a Bryce Harper jersey right now. And... Hey! Listen! We all want the same thing. We want Atlanta to lose. So we don't have to watch that chant all through the postseason. We're all friends here.
Starting point is 00:15:01 Forging connections through coalition. Thank you very much, Linda. That's how change happens. In a Judge John Hodgman courtroom, Linda Holmes gets a sports superstar level reception. It's like full, ah, Linda! Linda, we're so glad to have you back. You've been a guest on the show a number of times.
Starting point is 00:15:20 Not long ago, you coined a term that has taken on real life in the Judge John Hodgman universe, which is little weird Z's Would you define what little weird Z's are? So I think of a little weird Z as a small thing that is important to you That you ask the people in your life to accommodate without any need for a Logical justification for it. Even if they find it a little weird?
Starting point is 00:15:48 Yeah. What would be a good example of that? So one of mine is I have hated loud noises ever since I was a little kid. Mm-hmm. And if someone in a room that I am in is playing with an inflated balloon... A common occurrence. It happens at parties. playing with an inflated balloon. A common occurrence. It happens at parties. Yeah, you hang around a lot of children's birthday parties
Starting point is 00:16:09 and clown conventions. It happens. I understand. I understand. If somebody has a balloon, I cannot relax. I am like this. Because I'm waiting for the balloon to pop. And if they make a squeaky noise on the balloon...
Starting point is 00:16:26 Yeah, no. No, no, no, no, no. So that's one of mine. So that's one of... And you ask people to put the balloon away. Yes, I would say, oh, can you not play with the balloon? It's really... It makes me nervous.
Starting point is 00:16:36 Can little weirdsies go too far? I mean, tailgating is not one. But, sure. I mean, I think when you... I mean, I think when you, I think... I mean, I think that's actually a perfect example. I think if it imposes on other people in any way, then you have to go into a different calculus where you're thinking about how important it is to you and
Starting point is 00:16:56 what's the, what does it impose on other people? Oh, yeah. I mean, I am very sympathetic to Jeff who we were just talking to, because, you know, it is a little weird to me, obviously, if someone's going slow in the passing lane. Yeah. That bothers me irrationally. We're all gonna get there eventually, but it creates anger, and that's why I think it's so bad.
Starting point is 00:17:14 And I think that's so common that it's probably, I don't even know if I would use that term on it because so many people feel that way about slow drivers. Yeah, you're pretty basic. Pretty basic, yeah. Jesse, did we ask some listeners? Yeah, we have some cases where we have to find that line between harmless little weirdsie
Starting point is 00:17:38 and should actually consider the feelings of others. And we were hoping that you could help us with that, Linda. Here is one from Andrea. She says, I chew on Tic Tacs as soon as they're in my mouth. I just love to crunch them. But I've been told this is weird. Yeah. Who likes to chew on Tic Tacs?
Starting point is 00:18:00 Yeah. Wow. Well, applaud. This is an aw- Yeah, no, gos. Yeah. Wow. Well, applaud. This is an aw- Yeah, no, go ahead. Yeah. Yeah. Now wait, I appreciate your Pavlovian applause,
Starting point is 00:18:10 but I mean, applaud if you like to chew on Tic Tacs. Oh, okay. Jessie, Linda, do either of you have any special way or unusual way you like to eat common foods? I don't think so. I mean, I also chew TikToks, if that counts. Yeah, I mean, I think so. Jesse, do you?
Starting point is 00:18:30 Well, I mean, speaking as a burrito fascist, I believe that burritos should only be eaten from end to end. They should not be eaten anywhere in the middle. And I also believe that the whole burrito should not be consumed in one sitting, but rather half to two thirds of it should be consumed, then the rest wrapped up and put in the refrigerator for tomorrow, which is called marinating the stump. I cannot wait till later on this tour when I find a burrito.
Starting point is 00:18:58 First of all, it's going to offend you so much, because it's not going to be a California burrito. And second, I'm going to be Well, first of all, I'm from San Francisco, and California burritos are from San Diego. Excuse me, I apologize. Already getting under your little weirdsy skin. Yeah. I can't wait to eat a burrito in front of you.
Starting point is 00:19:13 Have fun eating a bunch of French fries in your burrito, John. I can't wait... Honestly, they're pretty good. I had one in San Diego recently. I can't wait to eat a burrito in front of you like just a big old corn on the cob. Just a big old corn on the cob.
Starting point is 00:19:28 Linda, you love to chew tic tacs. I do. What do you think about this as a little weird thing? Well, I would never launch you back into the world of is a food this thing or that thing? I'd love to be in that world. But this is really the question of whether tic tacs are candy or a mint, right?
Starting point is 00:19:46 Because if they're a mint, then you would tend to like suck on them and let them dissolve because the idea is to freshen up your breath and everything. But if they're a candy, you would just stuff them into your face and chew. And I think the fact that... I think that peppermint Tic Tacs I would think of as more of a mint, but like orange tic tacs? You mean the best tic tacs? Yes, those are my favorite.
Starting point is 00:20:10 The only tic tacs, yes. Orange tic tacs are just a little orange candy. And so when you put some orange tic tacs in your mouth, I mean one at a time, obviously, which is the only way I would ever do it. It seems normal to chew a candy. I would argue that orange tic tacs are more, even more specifically, they're a candy with a plausible deniability.
Starting point is 00:20:37 That's very true. You can whip them out and you're like, Who me? I'm just eating some mints. I wasn't going to say this, but but I'm gonna say a short version of it now. When I was in high school, I did that liquid diet thing that Oprah did, where you just drink shakes, and you're not allowed to eat. And I was one of the few people in my group, I never cheated. I was 17 years old, I
Starting point is 00:21:00 went 12 weeks, I never ate. But they said that because doing that makes your breath like all screwed up. Brody. You were allowed to have mints, like you could have tic tacs. My like one source of pleasure during those 12 weeks was orange tic tacs. Were you chewing tic tacs very much?
Starting point is 00:21:20 Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like them. I just, I had to when you said the thing about plausible deniability because that's exactly They're very I mean, they're very they're very satisfying to chew Yeah, and they make you know because I grew up with cats and chewing tic tacs is like a cat eating kibbles like Yeah, except I would feel like a space cat in space because they're very space age cat food. Yeah Why don't we hear another one?
Starting point is 00:21:46 Taylor says, My husband leaves dirty dishes on the counter because he doesn't believe in soaking them. In his mind, the sink needs to be clear in case he needs to wash his hands, and a full sink stresses him out. I think this is weird.
Starting point is 00:22:04 Before we address this particular case, Full sink stresses him out. I think this is weird. Before we address this particular case, are there any household chores that just weird you at? Like, for example, I love to load the dishwasher because it's like solving a puzzle that I can do correctly and everyone else in my house does wrong. For sure. I have to whereas I hate I hate to unload the dishwasher because of the texture of the glasses when they come out with the rinse aid on them it's really weird to me and also it involves frequent bending over at the waist which I cannot stand I literally John at my
Starting point is 00:22:40 house like if I pull that top rack out and I see that my kid's therapist has put their cup helpfully, like, in just the wrong place, I have to just, I have to, like, literally say to myself, they are responsible for my child's developmental health. I can't attack them. What about you, Linda? Do you have a household chore or a thought on? I think it's interesting that you mentioned the dishwasher because one of the few household chores that really gives me the heebie-jeebies is
Starting point is 00:23:15 cleaning a filter in the dishwasher. Oh yeah. See? You all know. Some of you have done it. Some of you have cleaned the filter. It's really gnarly. It's really gnarly. I like it so much. Oh! It's like the ultra version of picking your nose. That is accurate. That is accurate. I will go with that. It's so satisfying. I'll even bend over at the waist to do it.
Starting point is 00:23:50 But I appreciate why that would be your little weirdsy. John, would you prefer to clean that or a lint trap in a dryer? This is a real Sophie's Joy situation. I gotta go, I think it's more satisfying to clean out the waist trap in the dishwasher. Wow. It's more satisfying. That's incredible. You know what?
Starting point is 00:24:12 With the lint trap in the dryer, there are never any surprises. You know what you're gonna get. By the way, when you said this was a Sophie's Choice situation, you meant that this is how you're gonna win your Oscar. Like, this is... Linda, what do you think about Taylor's husband? I understand both sides of this because it is nice to have a clean sink. Yeah. It is also nice not to have a bunch of dishes sitting around on the counter. I don't enjoy having dishes in
Starting point is 00:24:42 the sink either. This is not to say I wash my dishes immediately, it's just that I am angry with myself no matter which way I do it. But my preference is, I mean, I think if something has like egg on it or something like that, you gotta soak that thing. If you're not gonna wash it right away, you gotta soak that thing.
Starting point is 00:25:04 Because otherwise, you're not gonna wash it right away, you gotta soak that thing, because otherwise, you're not gonna get anything off of it. So some things you have to, but I don't like a sink full of dishes either. Some things you have to soak, it's true, but most things you don't, if you are gonna wash it right away, and if you have a little weirdsie, which is I feel uncomfortable and anxious,
Starting point is 00:25:24 that I can't, because the sink is full of dishes, then it's on you to wash those dishes right away rather than me. Yeah, but I think also, like, whichever way you do it, you're both compromising because you're not doing the dishes immediately and loading them into the dishwasher, which is the, I guess, theoretically ideal way to do it. But yeah, I mean, I think when you have a sink full of dishes, like if I have a sink full of dishes and the dog wants water,
Starting point is 00:25:47 then I gotta get the pitcher and go over and put it under the sink and hold it sideways because there's dishes in there and... So it's inconvenient. No, I understand Taylor's point of view, but... I feel for the husband. I feel for him too, but I feel like it's on him to clear out that sink if he wants it clear. Yeah, I think that's fair.
Starting point is 00:26:02 Hey, we've got another little weirdsy to be presented by another very special guest. Could we invite Friend of the Court and frequent guest bailiff and all-around genius Jean Grey to the stage, please? Jean has a forthcoming book called In My Remaining Years that will be in bookstores March 11th and is available for pre-order now. Yeah, this is your wonderful book of memoir. Yes. And darkly funny stories from your long career as a creative person in many fields, correct?
Starting point is 00:26:34 Yes, they're all very hilarious. In my remaining years, it's available for pre-order now. Jean, do you have a little weird-sy that you'd like to talk to us about? I do, and I'm sorry to stay on the kitchen. That's where the weird Zs happen. Yeah, but it is where weird Zs happen. So I really have an issue when people don't wipe surfaces after they've prepared anything. And I think people generally tend to like wipe for big crumbs and stuff, but they don't notice
Starting point is 00:27:05 if they've salted or peppered anything and they kind of leave like, you know what I'm talking about right there. It's a granular graveyard and- Gene. Yeah. It me, I'm that. You leave a graveyard of dead spices on the counter? I'm really bad about wiping up the counter, yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:28 And I'll do it like at the end of everything, but I don't wipe as a... Closing time is too late. I know. Because the grains have started to sort of have a life there. I know, my fruit salads end up very peppery. Yeah. What are you, mixing your fruit salads up on the raw counter? Like it's a cold stone creamery for fruit salads. A couple of dough scrapers. That's what it feels like when people do that.
Starting point is 00:27:58 I'm like what have you but did you go in there with your eyes closed and just did you spin around with the cayenne? what are you doing I mean broadly speaking yes it was fun there's okay there's that weird Z but but the one that just turns me into you know that the Elmo with the fire oh that name it's not squeezing out the sponge. Oh. Yeah, yeah. I... Wow. What are you talking about?
Starting point is 00:28:29 Why would you just... You finished it and then it was heavy and it was wet and it was... You felt it. You felt it. And you were like, this is fine. You don't love it. This is fine. I love how this is gonna smell.
Starting point is 00:28:47 My office mates will appreciate this. Not that I'm speaking of any particular office at Max Fun. Right. I think they just did some testing in like America's Test Kitchen or Siri Seats or one of those. They just did a thing where they reported on, I think, a study that showed that a sponge that has been squeezed out will have practically no bacteria colonies on it, and one that has been left wet will basically be a dump. That's right.
Starting point is 00:29:18 It's a handful of poop is what it is. That's what I was looking for. Well, speaking of handfuls of poop, Jesse, I think we have a letter here from Rachel. Is that right? Rachel says, My 15-year-old daughter, Natalie, says I'm gross. She thinks it's embarrassing when I say,
Starting point is 00:29:36 I have to pee. Or, I'm on my period. Or, I have just committed a bathroom crime. I say, I'm doing my part to normalize activities that shouldn't be considered shameful anyway. Who's right? Well, as the judge, I'm going to say obviously the mom is right. You should just speak about what's going on with your body.
Starting point is 00:29:59 That's fine. But let's normalize this. Let the record reflect that Linda cringed sternly. Do you disagree? Do you disagree with my judgment? I don't disagree that the mom is right. I don't think the mom is doing anything wrong by doing these things, but I also think it's extremely natural and not necessarily shame-based for necessarily shame-based for a kid to not want to hear their parents talking about pooping. I think that's okay too and I think you know is there a special reason why you need to tell the kid? I mean if you have a reason I don't think you
Starting point is 00:30:39 should like avoid it because... You think my kids don't want to hear about my stools? I... Look, guys. They don't. I think Linda has a point. All of us are adults here. Obviously we want to hear about our parents' movements. But think back to when you were children. Look, I'm not disagreeing that there are contexts
Starting point is 00:31:00 in which it is inappropriate to be talking about certain bodily functions. And it's not obligatory to announce them to the world or to your children every time, but nor should you feel shame in acknowledging that they happen. But let's get back to the real question here. For all of you, what was your last bathroom crime? John, I'm not going gonna address that question directly but I think I can get at it sideways. Last night we had a show. That would be a
Starting point is 00:31:31 bathroom crime. Last night John we had a show where? Philadelphia I believe. Philadelphia Pennsylvania. Now. Go Phillies. And all great teams. I had eaten what you might call some fresh foods for dinner before the show. And after the show, we were walking home. It was about 11.30 at night. What did you say to me? I said, I'm a little hungry, Jesse. And I said, gosh, I am too, then.
Starting point is 00:31:59 What did we go do? I said, let's go get cheese steaks. Yeah. So we ate a couple of 11.30 p.m.'s go get cheese steaks. Yeah. So we ate a couple of 1130 PM cheese whiz cheese steaks. Yeah. Hey, we're not gremlins. Yeah. It was before midnight.
Starting point is 00:32:13 We're still Magwai. Then this morning, still in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, probably eight hours after those cheese steaks that we ate, I texted you from Redding Station in downtown Philadelphia, sitting at a Dutch breakfast counter. That's right. And what did I invite you to join me to eat together? Scrabble.
Starting point is 00:32:38 Yeah. So again, I'm not gonna directly address whether any bathroom crimes have occurred in my life recently. I'm just gonna leave it there any bathroom crimes have occurred in my life recently. Scrapple is a crime coming out. Scrapple is delicious. I love Scrapple. Scrapple is great. Scrapple is the food...
Starting point is 00:32:52 Going on the way in. It looks like a crime on the way in. It looks the same coming out. I call that efficiency. It is. Well, I think that's all the time we have for Little Weird Zs. Thank you so much, Linda Holmes. John, we can't make Linda do it.
Starting point is 00:33:09 She's with National Public Radio. In contrast to me, who now used to be with National Public Radio. So the deal is with National Public Radio, employees are not allowed to express political opinions or talk about their poops. Yeah, or describe their movements. I understand. Thank you so much, Linda Holmes, for talking about little weirdsies. But you have a book coming out soon, right?
Starting point is 00:33:30 I do. I do. My book is called Back After This. It's coming out in February. It is set in the world of audio and podcasting as very sexy scene involving audio production. So look out for that. I just want to say, I have read both of Linda's previous novels and they are so fun and beautiful and well characterized
Starting point is 00:33:50 and full of feelings and romances. And she's such a wonderful novelist. I hope everyone who enjoys her work here or on Pop Culture Happy Hour will go out and check out her novels. And, Jean, I'm sure that in the future, I will feel that way. You haven't put out any books yet, but I anticipate. You should feel that way now, Jesse. We don't have time. Yeah. Let's hear it for Jean Grey and Linda Holm.
Starting point is 00:34:31 Judge Hodgman, we are just one week away as this episode is released from our live show at the Hollywood Theater in Vancouver, British Columbia. Our grand return to Canada, years in the making, is about to bear fruit at the Hollywood Theater in no fun city itself, Vancouver. I've learned that Vancouver calls itself no fun city. The last time we were in Vancouver, but I had a great time there and we're guaranteed to have a lot of fun at the Hollywood Theater on the 29th of this month, January, 2025.
Starting point is 00:35:00 Please come and join us there as well as our shows in Seattle, Washington, Portland, Oregon, and of course Groundhog Day at SketchFest. We'll be returning to one of our favorite venues to perform in the Marine Memorial Theater, a wonderful and intimate spot, and we're going to be dispensing justice and having a great time. We do have a Los Angeles show. It is long ago sold out, and I am here to warn you that these shows in Vancouver, Seattle and Portland and San Francisco are probably going to sell out as well. Particularly the San Francisco show is going very fast.
Starting point is 00:35:34 So if you missed out on the LA show, you could make a Bay Area weekend and come up to see us at Marines Memorial Theater in San Francisco on Groundhog's Day 2-2-25 as well as enjoy some of all of the wonderful things that San Francisco and SketchFest have to offer. A lot of comedy and a bunch of itsits, right, Jesse? Indeed. In fact, I would recommend if you're going to come out to that San Francisco show,
Starting point is 00:35:59 take the Bay Area back roads. That's only for people in San Francisco. Nobody who's not in San Francisco or the San Francisco Bay Area knows what the heck I only for people in San Francisco. Nobody who's not in San Francisco or the San Francisco Bay Area knows what the heck I was alluding to just now. All of those tickets are available at maximumfund.org slash events. Maximumfund.org slash events.
Starting point is 00:36:16 Let's get back to the stage at six to nine in Washington, DC. Washington, DC, are you ready for mega justice? Let's bring out our litigants. Please welcome to the stage Marty and Sarah. Tonight's case, until death drew you art. Marty brings the case against his wife Sarah. Marty has a painting of himself as a baby.
Starting point is 00:36:45 He's had it his whole life, and now he wants to hang it in their home. But Sarah says, no way. She wants to get rid of baby Marty because he's too creepy. Who's right, who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman
Starting point is 00:37:03 enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference. Yeah! Woo! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Starting point is 00:37:10 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Starting point is 00:37:14 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Good evening, and welcome to a private showing of three paintings displayed here for the first time. Each is a collector's item in its own way,
Starting point is 00:37:26 not because of any special artistic quality, but because each captures on a canvas and suspends in time and space a frozen moment of a nightmare. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in. Marty and Zara, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God or whatever?
Starting point is 00:37:49 I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that he was born 42 years old? I do. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Marty and Sarah, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment. One of your spares can either be the name
Starting point is 00:38:02 or piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom. Sarah, one of your favorites can either be the name or piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom. Sarah, what's your guess? I have no clue. I know. Do you have to make a guess? I know I do. You must.
Starting point is 00:38:16 What's your favorite movie? I'm going to say it's Psycho, just because it fits with this painting. Psycho? It fits with the painting. That's a good guess. I'm going to put it in the guest book. Marty, do you have a guess? Something from Tom Waits about paintings.
Starting point is 00:38:32 That would be the last tour we were on. Would it help if I offered you both a hint? Also from the same speaker, for those of you who've never met me, you might call me the undernourished Alfred Hitchcock. The only Alfred Hitchcock I think of is birds. Oh, there's also Psycho. Oh, I know. There's Psycho 2, yeah.
Starting point is 00:38:56 No, Psycho 2 was not directed by Alfred Hitchcock. All right, all guesses are wrong. The answer was I was quoting Rod Serling as the host not. The answer was, I was quoting Rod Serling as the host, not of the Twilight Zone, but his follow-up series, Night Gallery, in which every episode started with him describing three disturbing paintings and telling the story behind them. We have a disturbing painting with us here. Don't reveal it just yet. Marty, this is about a disturbing painting. You have it here with us. Why don't you go ahead and show the painting to the audience?
Starting point is 00:39:29 Oh! And now, I... We're getting a mix of reactions there. And not all of them are creeped out. Some are very positive. But maybe it's because it's at a distance. Can we put it on the big screen, please? Oh, God. but maybe it's because it's at a distance. Can we put it on the big screen, please? Oh, God.
Starting point is 00:39:47 It's a sweet painting. I think it's a cute painting. There's baby Marty now. And I see the resemblance even. You've got the same smile. Obviously, this image will be available on our show page at MaximumFun.org, as well as our Instagram and all of our social media.
Starting point is 00:40:03 Now, this painting is based on a photograph of you, right? Yes. May we see the photo of you? The... Oh! Oh! Oh! That's a very cute photo.
Starting point is 00:40:13 And I love how the painting captures the drool. Let's go. You can just see. Yep. Yep. There it is. That's what art is, John. That's called art. That's a happy little accident right there. Marty, this painting has been, you know, obviously in your family
Starting point is 00:40:36 since you were this age. Yes, it's hung in my parents' house since I was that old. It's been, it's in the background of old pictures. It has moved around over the years with remodels and things, but it has always, always been there. It was a gift from my aunt. And when you say it's it's moved around, you mean that it's been been moved from wall to wall or just shows up in different rooms? Well, it's been moved.
Starting point is 00:41:00 OK. And what do you know about the artist of the painting? Well, so recently we were cleaning up my mom's house Okay, and what do you know about the artist of the painting? Well, so recently we were cleaning out my mom's house and I went over to take the painting off the wall to bring back to Washington, D.C. She's in Kansas City, and Sarah goes, "'You are not taking that.'" And I said, "'Why?'
Starting point is 00:41:20 And she goes, "'It was painted by an insane person.'" I had a vague recollection of this. And then I asked my mom, and yep, it was painted by an insane person at an insane asylum where my aunt worked. It was painted by a patient in a home for the mentally unwell where your aunt worked, presumably she provided the photo to this patient, and you didn't sit as a live model as a child. Not that I know of. Okay.
Starting point is 00:41:56 The two theories are that one, she gave the guy the picture, the other one, and said, here, paint this, or she had the picture and he saw it. And just did it. Of his own accord. And do you know anything else about him, why he was in the asylum? Well, so I Googled him and that's where the rails
Starting point is 00:42:16 kind of fell off of this thing. So can I just interject here for a moment, Marty? Just to recap, you have this weird picture with the drool, and it was painted by someone in an insane asylum. So to that point, the rails were on. Then you Googled it and the rails went off? Yeah. Normally you think, talk about something coming off the rails. In this case and the rails went off? Yeah. Normally you think, talk about something coming off the rails.
Starting point is 00:42:47 In this case, the rails came off. Yes. Content warning, what you learned is a little disturbing. It is, yes. So he blew up a courthouse in Union, Missouri, and escaped with his brother. They robbed the bank. They blew up the courthouse
Starting point is 00:43:10 as a distraction to rob the bank. Perfect plan. They robbed the bank and escaped and did the same thing in Connecticut. That's where they got caught. Yeah, you can't get away with shit in Connecticut. Let me tell you. Those nutmeggers do not play. So then they got caught. Yeah, you can't get away with shit in Connecticut. Let me tell you. Those nutmeggers do not play.
Starting point is 00:43:28 So then he's caught. He claims insanity. He ends up in Fulton, Missouri in December of 75. I was born in November. He was released in May of 76. So there is a very small window there when he could have done it. When they left town after the first blowing up,
Starting point is 00:43:47 they realized that a couple of other... The term is up blowing. When they left town after the first up blowing. Really no syntax could change the impact of the first blowing up. Yes. So there were two members of his family that were missing. They didn't find them until after he was released under a concrete slab at his farm in Maryland. So the the speculation is he murdered members of his family. Yes. Then he was captured, went back to jail. At some point in here, he also tried to escape
Starting point is 00:44:25 by carving a gun out of soap. And the only reason that he didn't make it is because the guard forgot his keys. I'm doing a little math here. In other words, the guard was going to let him out, thinking the gun was real. Yes. But then he's like, whoops, I forgot my keys.
Starting point is 00:44:45 Yes, yes. That's like, the guard was like Don Knott's or something. Yeah. That was the first time the phrase, you had one job was ever used, I believe. So that's pretty much the story of the painting. Why would you find? No, you left out where he got such remarkable art training.
Starting point is 00:45:07 It really is a candy likeness. Can we put it back up on screen? There, there's a little baby Marty. So what about this story makes you... What's creepy about this? Sarah? So the thing that I find creepy is where we would sit at his mom's house was on the couch and this was on the painting on, or on the wall next to it. All the other pictures were small and this one was very prominent.
Starting point is 00:45:41 Sure. Well, it's baby Marty. I even right now with this really big right here, I feel like the eyes are staring at me. Sarah, I don't think you even need to explain to us that the creepy part of this is that this picture was bigger than other pictures. Are you an only child, Marty?
Starting point is 00:46:00 No, I have a brother. But no paintings of your brother? Apparently no artist was in the institution when he was born. Life's unfair. Okay. But you have children, correct, Sarah? Yes, we have two. And how do they feel about the painting?
Starting point is 00:46:18 Our daughter agrees with me that it needs to go away. Our son would be happy to keep it, unless if it goes away by fire. Then he would be happy to burn it. Your son would like to burn it. Yeah. I see. And have you checked out the local courthouses? Have you checked out the local courthouses?
Starting point is 00:46:52 Marty says that when you discovered that he had the painting, you said something along the lines of, oh, hell no. Would that be right? Yeah, there were a bunch of bad words that I'm not going to say because there's children here. I believe that we have some video of you discovering the painting. What's the situation here? I did not know he brought it to DC. And what you will see is I am going through a couple of boxes of stuff that we had stored at his mom's house of my things for teaching and I'll leave it there. Alright, let's take a look at this evidence.
Starting point is 00:47:35 Damn it! Dad! I thought it was Betty Wise. You brought the insane guy's picture? And this is the picture that was drawn by the guy in the insane asylum who murdered people. Called the Mutt House. He murdered his grandmother and his dad. No, no, no, no. That is our lovely daughter. That would be your daughter.
Starting point is 00:48:17 No, no, no, no. Marty, do you take pleasure in scaring and annoying your family? Occasionally, yes. Okay. It's actually just me. Just you? Yeah. Do you want to keep the painting? Yes.
Starting point is 00:48:33 And hang it in your home? I definitely want to keep it. The story is too incredible to get rid of it. Hanging it, it'll probably end up somewhere if we keep it. What do you mean somewhere? Down at the courthouse. It will end up in multiple locations so that I don't know where it is
Starting point is 00:48:53 so that when I turn the corner, there's the painting. It does seem inevitable, doesn't it? It moves around. Let the record show that Marty is nodding and smiling. The one location that was mentioned was, we have an area under our steps that's kind of our storm shelter where remnants from Kansas City, where we've got to have a storm shelter, and it was suggested that it live in there, and my daughter's like, what are we going to do when there's a tornado?
Starting point is 00:49:22 I'm not going in there. You would sacrifice your daughter's like, what are we gonna do when there's a tornado? I'm not going in there. You would sacrifice your daughter's life. You would send her to Oz so that Baby Marty could live. Baby Marty is more important than your own child. Her exact words were, I don't want that to be the last thing that I see if something happens to me.
Starting point is 00:49:43 I just can't show that. that to be the last thing that I see if something happens to me. Just fixated on that one little drop of drool. Aside from this being a delightful weird dad joke on your whole family, does the does baby Marty have meaning to you? Sincere meaning that then it's it's fine if the answer is no. I mean, my family's always been big on pictures. My parents' home is just absolutely plastered with family pictures, this being very prominent in there. You saw the wall in the background of the video
Starting point is 00:50:19 filled with pictures. So yeah, I mean, pictures mean a lot to us. And this is the only painting of me ever. My parents grew up very poor. There was no way they could afford somebody to do a real painting, you know. Has baby Marty ever spoken to you? No. I don't know why I've been prompted to ask you this question, but I do find it an intriguing
Starting point is 00:50:49 one, Sarah. Here's the question. Is Marty a hoarder? Just a little bit. No, he does like to collect autographs, but he has a whole room full of boxes of them. He does like his pictures and we actually have the top of a whole closet full of photo boxes of pictures, but he also has what he likes to call part of my language, the big-ass drive.
Starting point is 00:51:34 And it's like a... Oh, like a hard drive? Like a hard drive. It's a terabyte, and it's full of pictures. So my thought is, is why can't that go in that terabyte? Oh, you mean take a picture of the picture. So I never have to see it again. Then kill it with fire. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:49 You would like to never see it again. Marty, why don't you keep it in a private place and just look over it. Wait, hold on, John. I don't know if you've seen the last Mission Impossible movie, but you put that picture in the drive. You're gonna have trouble across the world.
Starting point is 00:52:03 This thing's gonna be in Berlin nightclubs in a second. Probably true. Yeah, it's gonna be, yeah. Shutting off power grids. Marty, what if you were to keep the picture privately to yourself? Go up into the... Do you have an attic, for example? You could keep it in the attic and go up there and sort of caress it from
Starting point is 00:52:26 time to time and commune with your baby self and its strange history. Wouldn't that be acceptable to you, Sarah? Except it would probably go on the Halloween decorations and I'm the one who gets the Halloween decorations down. I see. And so I would see it and yeah. I see, yeah. That's my only fear. What if the painting started getting older and Marty started getting younger?
Starting point is 00:52:49 I would get to see him without gray hair then because I've never seen him without gray hair. Whoa, you two have fun don't you? Let the record reflect that they held hands tenderly while laughing at that joke. All right you want to get rid of it Sarah obviously Marty give me something specific that you want me to rule. Obviously you want to keep it right but where do you want to keep it? How do you want to keep it? And more you want to keep it? And more, more importantly, to make your case, why is it important that you keep it? Well, I think so.
Starting point is 00:53:30 One of the things that that my dad did was he built all of the picture frames that live in the house, except for this one. And I did not realize the picture frames are not alive. They don't live in the house unless there's some. Your dad was warlock or whatever. But this one, they actually got framed. Like it's from a framing company in Kansas. Richard C. Berry framing, and associates, framers in Plain Prairie Village, Kansas.
Starting point is 00:53:59 Okay. So this is the only picture that they've ever had professionally framed that I know of. And it's dated 12, 1978. You ever take it on the road show? No. I think we can get this on the Antiques Road Show. I think I could text Nick O'Lowry real quick. Yeah, you wanna do me a favor and take a picture
Starting point is 00:54:18 and text him and see if he's got an appraisal on this? Wait, wait, here, take a picture of the back because that establishes provenance. And give them the bare bones of, you know, bankers exploding courthouses, murdered grandparents in concrete slab in home, etc., etc. Caught in Connecticut. You know the story. Everyone does. Famous American story.
Starting point is 00:54:48 Okay, so this one was, so your argument for keeping this personal memorabilia was it was professionally framed? I think that showed that it was important to my parents. Oh, okay. And they displayed it prominently for a long time. Did they ever talk to you about what it meant to have this photo? Or this painting, I should say? I only had a vague recollection of the insane asylum story, and Sarah and my sister-in-law
Starting point is 00:55:12 both had very vivid memories of that. So it was important to your family, it's important to you. Would you like to pass it along to your own children? Sarah's nodding no. I feel like Bryce would like it. Bryce wants to pass it along to your own children? Sarah's nodding no. I feel like Bryce would like it. Bryce wants to kill it with fire. If we get rid of it, if we keep it, I think he'd like to inherit it.
Starting point is 00:55:35 Why do you think that? Just for the story alone. What indication do you have from Bryce? I thought Bryce wanted to burn it. John, is this right? Nick, we're on stage in DC and need a back-of-the-envelope appraisal for this picture. It is of our litigant and was painted by an insane asylum
Starting point is 00:55:53 resident who also robbed some banks and murdered a few relatives. Throbbing heart emoji. Send. While Jesse sends it, I think I have heard enough in order to make my decision. I'm going to go into my chambers. I'll think it over. I'll be back in a moment with my verdict.
Starting point is 00:56:12 Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Sarah, how are you feeling about your chances in this case right now? I think they're pretty good. I'm willing to let him keep the frame and get rid of the picture. Marriage is about compromise. Exactly. And it is a nice frame. We don't know if it's an original or if it's by one of the associates.
Starting point is 00:56:43 Exactly. Marty, how are you feeling? Well, the more I speak it out loud, the weirder it sounds. But it is an incredible story, and I do love the story with it. Yeah, I mean, putting it with your Halloween decorations isn't a half bad idea. I mean I live right near Burbank where all the FX people live and I think all of those people would trade their entire animatronic homes for one murderer painting. This guy's got cash in hand. Do you mind we don't have Nicko here to run another one of those auctions?
Starting point is 00:57:26 Well we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we return in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. First of all, you're absolutely right, Jesse. I mean, if Nico happens to write back, we'll obviously reveal what he says. I don't know when that will happen. But it's true that if we were in Burbank right now, there would be an immediate bidding war between Dana Gould and Patton Oswalt. Exactly what I was about to say.
Starting point is 00:57:56 I was about to say there's a hundred Dana Goulds that would pay for it. But you know, I love Dana and I love Patton and I don't think that they collect odd memorabilia, but this is genuinely ghoulish memorabilia to the point that I actually thought about not hearing the case because it's not merely that the origin of the painting is strange and eccentric, but it's also tragic and disturbing. And I absolutely acknowledge and appreciate why you don't want to be anywhere near this thing, Sarah. I mean, I get it.
Starting point is 00:58:38 Even if it were a beautiful painting, which it is not. The story alone, you know, weights this thing with some very queasy gravity, which is kind of, makes it challenging to figure out what to do with it. I find it interesting that your parents, presumably knowing its origin, were like, Pride of place, here we go, Baby Marty, Baby Marty by the murderer, you know, right there. And I'm not sure that I would have made the same choice myself, you know, if I had the possession of this thing. And now it falls to you, you and you, the two of you, you, Adult Marty and baby Marty, to figure out what is the appropriate thing.
Starting point is 00:59:28 It should not be burned. Sorry. There has been no evidence suggested that it is actually causing misfortune in your home or strange accidents to occur or dogs to whine and uncontrollably in its presence, I don't believe that it's a cursed item. I'm not going to touch it. Nor do I think it is an appropriate's not what gives this piece of art its power. And even with its bad origin story, it is a part of family history.
Starting point is 01:00:19 It has to be preserved in some way. I'm sorry, Sarah. It has to be preserved. And I'm not sure this really brings us to where and how it should be preserved. It obviously causes you discomfort. Should there be a tornado? This is in your house in Kansas City or in DC? I was gonna say this isn't Tornado Alley but nowadays everything is, so who knows. I would want it to be in a place where your children would choose not to save their own lives because Baby Marty scares them.
Starting point is 01:00:56 The attic seems like the perfect place for it. A little shrine. A little shrine somewhere in the attic where you can sit and look at yourself as a baby. I mean, that's where creepy paintings are supposed to be. And not every house has an attic, you know. Sarah doesn't want that to happen because that's where the Halloween decorations are, which this is arguably one of them. And she has to go up there and get it.
Starting point is 01:01:26 I would say if you want to put it in the attic, then you have to get the Halloween decorations and take that chore upon yourself. And also check in with your family from time to time and just say, I just want to check in with you. You know he's up there, right? I just want to check in with you. You know he's up there, right?
Starting point is 01:01:50 Can you feel him? Can you feel baby Marty? He'll be up there with the Pennywise thing that they have. That scares me too. There's a Pennywise thing up there? Okay. Yeah. This is I mean, you know, we we're sending it to Niko. We really should send it to Aidan, the Spirit Halloween kid, for his appraisal. Yeah, yeah, we'll get him. But here's the thing. You can keep it. Put it in a place out of sight, ideally out of mind, where it will be displayed. I don't think it should be in a drawer somewhere because that might make baby Marty angry.
Starting point is 01:02:28 be in a drawer somewhere because that might make baby Marty angry. The attic seems to be like a good place, but another neutral private space is fine because it's part of your family history. I don't think that it should be a Halloween decoration because I think that that makes it, you know, diminishes it. But I do think, if Matt, hold it, I will touch it again. I do think it would be a wonderful Halloween costume. Which you will wear this Halloween. You turn it into a mask and walk around the neighborhood
Starting point is 01:02:55 that way and see what happens. That's my judgment. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Marty, Sarah, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. And thank you, little Marty as well. That's it for this episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thanks to Redditor Strange-Movie for naming the case in this episode.
Starting point is 01:03:22 Huge thanks to two of our favorite people on earth, Linda Holmes and Jean Grey for joining us on stage in Washington, DC. Linda's brand new novel, Back After This, and Jean's memoir, In My Remaining Years, both available for pre-order now. Get those books. Those two are not just hilarious and insightful raconteurs,
Starting point is 01:03:44 but hilarious and insightful writers as well. I really can't recommend their books enough. Linda Holmes, like a charming romantic novel set in the world of podcasting. Gene's book, a charming, hilarious memoir slash essay collection about set in the world of underground rap and other worlds and other worlds, John. And growing up in the Chelsea Hotel in New York City,
Starting point is 01:04:13 Jean has lived a life so far. And you should read all about what she's going to do in her remaining years in her book in my remaining years. You Years. Jean grew up, this is something I didn't know, but Jean's mom, Satima Bay Benjamin, was essentially the person who brought South African jazz to a worldwide audience. Yeah. Her first record as a singer was produced by Duke Ellington. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:04:43 All of her records are incredible. I have several of her records. And so Jean grew up in a pretty extraordinary world. Yeah. Like a pretty unbelievable world as like a first generation born in the United States immigrant in the Chelsea Hotel. I mean, it's wild what Jean has been through besides being a genuinely legendary rapper. Like Jean comes on our show and is hilarious and insightful, but like take it from me,
Starting point is 01:05:15 a rap guy. Jean is a genuine legend in the world of hip hop. Anyway, Jean Grey is so cool. And heck, Linda's right up there too. Less known for her rapping. Less known for her rapping. I'd like to, you know, she's got bars. Follow us on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman. We're on YouTube and TikTok at JudgeJohnHodgmanPod. Check out the YouTube version of this show
Starting point is 01:05:41 for some of the video footage that Sixth and I captured during this show. That's really cool. Come see us on tour on the West Coast. Tickets are still on sale for our shows in Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, and San Francisco. You can find all of the ticket links at maximumfun.org slash events.
Starting point is 01:05:58 Still on sale, but I will add going fast. We are almost sold out at all of those shows. So come get your last tickets and have a great time with us. We don't know when we'll be on the road again, so this is your chance to come say hi. The Judge John Hodgman podcast was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. This episode recorded by Matthew Barnhart,
Starting point is 01:06:17 Natti Lopez is our social media manager, A.J. McKeon is our podcast editor, Daniel Spear is our video editor, and our producer is Jennifer Marmer. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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