Judge John Hodgman - Van Freaks Roadshow in Austin

Episode Date: August 7, 2024

Is it best to watch your movie collection in alphabetical order? Should you laugh while you record home videos? What is the REAL difference between a kitchen towel and a bathroom towel? All of these disputes and more, this week recorded LIVE in Austin on the Van Freaks Roadshow! With special guest Aaron Franklin!We are on TikTok and YouTube! Follow us on both @judgejohnhodgmanpod! Follow us on Instagram @judgejohnhodgman.Thanks to reddit user u/westvultures for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at maximumfun.reddit.com! Judge John Hodgman: Road Court! Tickets are on sale NOW! For dates and more information, go to maximumfun.org/events.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bill of Jesse Thorne here with Judge John Hodgman. This week's episode was recorded live at the Paramount Theater right down there in Austin, Texas with special guest Aaron Franklin. We talked with Texans about movie collections, home videos, kitchen towels, all the most important topics on the tip of everyone's tongue. We captured the zeitgeist of Austin, Texas on this episode of Judge John Hodgman.

It's always fun keeping it weird down there in Austin, Texas. This is one of our best shows, so I hope you enjoy it. So let's go to the stage at the Paramount Theater, live from Austin, Texas. Austin, you came to us seeking justice and we came to deliver it right here at the world famous Paramount Theater. The court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session. Let's bring out our first set of litigants.

Please welcome to the stage, Joel, Hannah and Miriam. Joel, Hannah, and Miriam. Tonight's case, Hodgeman John Judge Podcast, comma, the. Joel brings the case against his two kids, Hannah and Miriam. Hannah and Miriam have a project. They want to watch their family movie collection, alphabetically. Joel says they're out of order.

Who's right, who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgeman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference. Sticks and stones will break my bones. I always will be true. And when your ma is dead and gone I'll sing this lullaby just for you what becomes of the little boys who never comb their hair and lined up all around the block on the nickel over there. Let's climb up through that buttonhole. Damn it.

And fall right up the stairs. I'll show you where the short dogs grow on the nickel over there. Bailiff Jesse Thorn, swear them in. Don't encourage it, don't encourage it. Encourage it. Joel, Hannah, Miriam, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help you, God or whatever? I do. Sure. Do you swear to abide by Judge Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he has half a slice of brisket from earlier today on top of his podium? I do. Absolutely.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Johanna Miriam, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your's favor. Can either or any of you, or we have a tripartite case tonight, name the piece of culture that I performed as I entered this courtroom. Miriam, let's start with you. No. Okay. Do you have a guess? Could be a movie that you're watching in alphabetical order? It could be anything. It reminded me of Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? But I know

that it's not from that. I think that's a really fair guess and that is from the Oh section of their library. Oh brother, where art thou? Thank you very much. And now, Hannah, what is your guess, if I may? Well, it was performed beautifully. I also have no guess. No guess at all. No, I was about also at Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? So clearly, we're not at the O's yet, so I can't. OK, great guess.

They are identical twins, so there you go. There you go. All right, Joel, it's down to you. We have two Oh Brothers, Where Art Thou? Was that a stirring rendition of the Tom Waits classic Christmas card from a hooker in New Orleans? Oh! First of all, Joel, it's Minneapolis. Ah! Damn it!

This close! And second of all, Joel, that was last night in St. Paul, Minnesota, obviously. It really was. He really sang that song last night. Very good, very good guess, but all guesses are wrong. As Jesse knows all too well, I have been torturing him with cultural references that are just my Tom Waits impersonation.

Every single show. Song after song after song. I don't like the real Tom Waits Your honor, I'm not sucking up but you can torture me with your Tom Waits imitation anytime Shut your pie hole, sir The answer is it was a Tom Waits song the Tom Waits song is you might guess on the nickel From Tom Waits his album heart attack and vine and Jesse you don't think that Tom Waits song. The Tom Waits song is, you might guess, on the nickel, from Tom Waits' album, Heart Attack and Vine. And Jesse, you don't think that Tom Waits is hot, but let me tell you something. When I looked up Tom Waits,

and I found it on the Austin City Limits webpage, it was listed as one of PBS's most requested videos. Tom Waits at Austin City Limits, 1978. All right. Thank you, Joel Miriam and Hannah, for your guesses, but we do have to hear your case. Who seats justice in this courtroom? I do, Your Honor. You'll be Joel.

Joel, what is your complaint against your children? They seem very, very nice. They had great taste in guessing movies. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. So they started this project nearly three years ago where they decided to watch our entire family movie collection of nearly 500 movies in alphabetical order But in a completely arbitrary

Alphabetical order, but I don't think there's anything arbitrary about the alphabet Hang on there was originally But now it's a pretty well established. Ask them why they haven't watched the 40 year old Virgin yet. It was 4am when we made this list. We put the, we put numbers at the back. How does nobody get it ordering? Numbers at the back. Yeah.

Yeah, I agree. Thank you. And do you, do you think there are no librarians in this audience? It is very weird what gets applause at our shows. Do you really want to live in a world where you're watching Avengers Endgame before Avengers Infinity War? I know I don't.

I've seen those movies in order. I've lived in a world where they're in order. Maybe I wanted to see what a world without them in order was like. I didn't. Hannah, who came up with this scheme? You or Miriam or the two of you? The original idea, just watch all of them both of us

The alphabetical order that's the one I'm talking me a hundred percent me and and why alphabetical order it makes so what he's leaving Out of why we started this in 2021 and not say at a more reasonable time when the world was under a global pandemic was because He decided that we should spring clean the house and we realized, hey, we have about 450 or so DVDs because it was less when we started this. Or you've gotten more since. Yeah, he bought 10 movies. I've gotten more tonight.

He bought eight tonight. What, what, what kind of weird dad are you? In the past two hours, he's bought eight movies. All right, Guilty. Hang on. I'm just going to. Did you just have someone meet you at the theater from Craigslist? And so we were doing the spring cleaning. We were like, we have no idea how many of these movies were.

Are you going to buy more movies on stage? Joel. Jesse, please. Yes. Shut your pie hole, sir. Thank you. And so- It's Hannah's turn to talk.

Thank you. We decided to watch all of the movies to make sure the DVDs work. And when you're starting with them- Sure. Oh, I mean, they're like wax cylinders if you don't use them. Exactly.

And so when you're starting with that many movies, one, long-term storage for that many movies, alphabetical makes the most sense. It's bananas, yeah, right. Exactly. And so when you're starting with that many movies, one, long-term storage for that many movies, alphabetical makes the most sense. It's bananas. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And so then when we were trying to organize and make sure they all worked, going in alphabetical order just made the most sense. Did it make the most sense to you as well, Miriam, or were you just bullied into this by your sister? The numbers at the end part, I was bullied into. Alphabet and this ordering the series in really dumb ways, I was bullied into.

Ordering the series in really dumb ways, what do you mean? We're watching Harry Potter. I think we're watching starting with the second one and ending with the first one. We are. Let's put this in a local framework. Famous Austin director Richard Linklater created three movies,

Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Before Midnight. Which one would you watch first? Before Midnight. What? These movies were shot years apart from one another in order specifically to document how aging changes people. Well now it's a Benjamin Button scenario. Sometimes it does make it more interesting. You know, Joel, when I learned that you bought eight DVDs tonight

in the year 2023. No, streaming. I bought them on streaming tonight. Oh, yeah. When he found out that we were doing this, he decided that we had to add in all the movies we own over streaming as well. Yeah. We were really just going to do DVDs.

We added streaming to appease him. Oh, I see. This is correct. Because I asked, what kind of weird dad are you? And I forgot that I actually have your weird dad bona fides here in the notes. You are 54 years old. Yes. You are an avid runner. Checks out. Just ran the Chicago Marathon. I did. But stuck around in Chicago to see fish.

Five shows. Five shows of fish. P-H-I-V-E shows of fish. Absolute weird dad, 100% blue ribbon weird dadness. I'd agree. So where are you now in the list now, Miriam? We just watched Born on the Fourth of July Today, which was our 70th movie. You have a born... That's a B. That's a B one, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've got a long way to go. Why is it taking so long? Well, that means we go back to the A's because he bought American Psycho. That's a B. That's a B one, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got a long way to go. Why is it taking so long? Well, now we have to go back to the A's because he bought American Psycho. Um, I'm only home two months, four months of the year, and two of those I'm at camp. I see.

So I'm really in the house two months of the year. So you'll only watch them together. Yes. That's great. Or over-streaming where they come up alphabetically that we can, like, watch them in our dorms. That hasn't happened yet. But only if they come up over-streaming. This is an idea dorms. That hasn't happened yet. Only if they come up over-screaming.

This is an idea. Yeah. Hasn't happened yet. This is your intention that you're putting into the universe. Yes. But your sibling is saying that has not happened yet. Well, we have, as they've come up whenever that's happened, we've been at DVD-only movies. Do you want to keep doing this?

Do you want out of this, Miriam? Hannah seems to be in charge here. Which one of you, you're identical twins. Yes. But you're wonderful whole human beings in your own right. Is one of you somewhat older than the other? They are. Oh I was going to say Gannis. Let the record show that Miriam indicated Hannah is slightly older and a big bully. Is that fair to say? No comment. Joel would you care to comment on that? Definitely older. I can't call them a bully.

I can't either. Joel, you're here too. This is adorable what they're doing. Why do you care? And why are you upset by this? And why are we even here in court? So I'm really touched by this project. I think it's a way to, you know, at the rate they're going, I'm going to be long gone by

the time they finish it. And so it's a way to keep me close to their hearts after I shuffle off this mortal coil so you're talking about abandoning your family for fish right yeah because you're in good health you're a young you're a young man don't worry about it you love what they're doing so much you couldn't help but come up with a better way for them to do it exactly there are very few things in my personal life that I'm organized about. My music collection and my movie collection are two of them.

What a surprise. I want to pass that anal retentiveness on to my kids. Here's the thing. The movies were not organized before we started this. We organized the movies. Alright, Hannah, Miriam, you explain. Tell us what a damn mess it was. Okay, we had movies in the room with the DVD player, rest in peace, the DVD player.

Wait, you killed the DVD player? Yeah. Don't indicate to me that I shouldn't hear that story. I wanna hear the story. Those are usually the good ones. When someone holds their hands out saying, don't even ask. That's what I have to hear the story. Those are usually the good ones when someone holds their hands out saying don't even ask Oh, that's what I have to ask. It died. So we have to watch via a laptop Cook hooked up through a HDMI cord. Hana doesn't know how to work that. This sounds really funny It's my favorite thing that I get to hook it up every time we watch a movie. So there were movies in the DVD room

Yeah, there are movies in there. There was movies where they're stored in what order? There was no order. They were in bookshelves with books. They were, I don't know, I'm pretty sure there were some in people's rooms. Right. I think you could go to any room in the house and find a DVD. What I'm learning from this, Jesse, is that people in Texas have a lot of rooms. I know. I feel like that's really interesting. To you and I, that's the story of the Judge John Hodgman podcast is, wow, people in other places have a lot of rooms. They have a whole room for their dead DVD player.

They haven't even moved it out yet. Well, the DVD player is in the living room, but the storage for all the DVDs is in our parents' office. What do you have, like, case logic folios or what? Do you have towers? Do you have towers Joel? DVD towers? I used to they're in a bookshelf. They're in cabinets.

Right. Do you go to the sharper image, get the DVD bookshelf out of there? Miriam, you didn't like the disorder of the DVDs. How do you feel about these guidelines alphabetical order? Are you 100% on board or less than 100% on board? Less than 100% on board. What percentage would you estimate would you be off board? I think I would say I'm 85% on board.

Let the record show that Hanna has pumped their fist in victory for the mere 85% agreeant with the plan. Like Dennis Eckersley after recording a save just like a classic kind of choo-choo, pull down. Exactly so. Hey, over the several conversations we've had in the last week about this, I had no idea where he was going to go with that statement. Okay. 85% on board is not 100%.

What's lacking? It's in such a weird order now that it makes, if we weren't doing this and you wanted to watch a DVD, I feel like it makes it less enjoyable because you necessarily can't find the movie the same way you couldn't find it before. Have you looked in alphabetical order? Yeah, but my first thought when trying to find something in a series is not...

What's the... Let me calculate. They're in order in the cabinet. Oh yeah, I did fight for that, I forgot. They're in order in the cabinet. I don't know what she's talking about. People just haven't been putting them back right. I forgot they're in order. Hannah, please stop bullying your sister on stage. I make no promises, but I'll try to restrain myself. BANG BANG BANG

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG Miriam, would you like to watch the series movies in chronological order? Yes. Ah, Joel, it's none of your business. He's not walking home. You would prefer that your that your children watch the series at least in chronological order? Absolutely. Looks like it's two to one, Hana. And I will... Why would you why would you not want to watch a series in chronological order? It's fun. You like to break it apart? Break it down?

Also, some sequels don't have that there are sequels on there. So I didn't know the series. Like, Be Cool was one that we watched. I don't even know the name of the first movie. Get Shorty. And Dad walks in, he's like, this is the second one. Thank you, Dad. I'm with you. Excellent. Excellent. Thank you so much. He doesn't put that it's a sequel anywhere. How the hell am I supposed to know it's a sequel?

We didn't know that. So you were confused. Yeah. Because you watched a series out of order. Exactly. I don't. No, no, no, no. I'm not confused.

I'm saying that if they're not even gonna bother to put it on there, I shouldn't have to be bothered to follow it. We were also sorting at 2 a.m. so we couldn't ask him for help. So he didn't wanna help us in the first place. Let me understand how long this project is going to go on.

You have an idea to watch them remotely in the future. Yes. But do you live at home with the DVD collection? No. Currently I am on a leave of absence so I'm there but most of the time I live in Chicago. Right and but Miriam you're not living with the collection. Nope. So so far this is only happening when you come to visit and you're at you know you're with the collection on your leave of absence. Correct.

So how much time of the year is that? Two months. And how then? If we're lucky. And you've gotten to the mid-B's it feels like, right? Yeah. Yep. Right.

We would have been farther, but again, he keeps buying things. Okay. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make that sound. Yeah. Please rise as Judge Sean O'Chren exits the courtroom. Joel, how are you feeling about your chances here? I'm feeling great. I feel like just being here to embarrass my kids

when I have so little time left now that they're- That sounds like you're dying. I'm not dying. You're just about to abandon us all to go watch that. Joel, we're not dying. We're just bald. Tana and Miriam, how are you feeling about your chances here? I feel good about most of the alphabetical.

I don't feel good about the fact that I have a feeling I'm not watching Harry Potter in the way that it's on there. Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. Well, this was glorious. First of all, I have to say that the idea of watching series movies in alphabetical order is kind of

wonderful. You know as someone who was trained in deconstructionism and literary theory at Yale, a four-year accredited college in Southern Connecticut, the idea of dismantling the text and letting different echoes of the text resonate against itself out of order and reflecting the fact that narrative is, you know, narrative like time is perceived by humans in one direction but it doesn't exist that way in real life and these texts exist simultaneously, I'm with you 100%. Thank you. Yeah.

But I am not your identical twin. No. Nor am I your weird dad, though if I were, I would be proud to be a weird dad to both of you. Thank you. This is delightful process that you have devised for yourselves to finally, not only enjoy a whole bunch of movies, or not enjoy them,

depending on how you see them, but to force yourselves to imbibe a whole bunch of culture during that time in your lives when this is all this is what you have to do like this is the time where you have time to just take in as much culture as possible this is how you create your own obscure cultural references so that when you're in your 50s you can turn to your partner or friends or perhaps your own child and make a reference to Tom Waits. And they'll be mad at you. And you'll be like, Rumblefish motherfuckers. No one watches Rumblefish anymore, Jesse.

I thought he was good in that Coen Brothers movie. Yeah, that's right, the Buster Scruggs. Yeah, he was great in that Buster Scruggs movie. What was the full title of that? The Ballad of Buster Scruggs. Yeah, B, comma, the. You won't believe how good Tom Waits is. Have you seen it already? No, because it's not on DVD.

Yeah, it's not on ours. And that's what makes the whole scheme beautiful. You are doing it all on dad-style DVDs. Yeah. Miriam, you keep the list. Thank list. You are in charge of the list and my first order is that nothing gets added to the list, dad. This whole thing relies. It is built on a house made out of plastic disks. Streaming streaming that is a house divided against itself it will not stand this whole dumb scheme only takes on its full beauty if you are

working through your weird dad's catalog of old DVDs so all those streaming things that Joel added strike him off the list Miriam. No streaming movies are allowed. Only physical and you're not allowed to add to the physical pile either. We've got a plan that we're trying to sustain here Joel. Now we have a library locked down. Now as for watching in alphabetical order, I stand by it. However, series Miriam has the option to watch them chronologically. Hannah, you can make the argument

for deconstructing the text, but you will lose. Miriam's gonna win that one. Also, you gotta get a new DVD player, because this other thing isn't working. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all. Joel, Hannah, Miriam, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all. Joel, Fanna, Miriam, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're taking a quick break from the stage in Austin, Texas, where we had a great time. John, do you remember when we went to Franklin Barbecue, sat at a secret table by a secret Airstream, and then Aaron Franklin, his wife and his coworkers just brought us huge plates of food and we ate until we started sweating uncontrollably. I remember about half of it

until I passed out from pure pleasure. Yeah, that was by the way, I think it was the day after I had done, we had done almost the exact same thing. And my friend, Lauren Pasternak, she goes restaurant bangers in Austin, Texas. Just brought us 20,000 sausages. We had a good time in Austin, Texas for sure. And if you're listening to this episode, then you get a sense of just what a good time going to a live show is like. You may feel that you've heard it all, but guess what? You haven't. When we do our live shows for real in person,

there's all kinds of stuff and songs and surprises that you don't get to hear on the podcast. You only get to hear them if you show up. So we hope that you do show up to our shows in New York, Philadelphia, Washington, Pittsburgh, and Arbor, Madison, St. Paul, Burlington, Portland, Maine, Turner's Falls, Massachusetts, my hometown of Brookline, Massachusetts, Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, Oregon, and Los Angeles. It's always better when you're there and you know how much fun we have.

There's a different show every night. Go to maximumfun.org slash events to get those tickets now. I'll say it again, Jesse Thormaximumfund.org slash events, where tickets are available now and going fast for all of those shows. And if you've got a dispute for us that you'd like to have heard in the courtroom, live on stage, you should submit it

at maximumfund.org slash JJHO. That's where you go to submit all your disputes. Just let us know. I'm gonna be there in Madison or St. Paul or Burlington, or in your hometown of Brookline, or with Monte Bell Monte in Turner Falls, Western Massachusetts or wherever you might be going. I have a case that I think you'd like to hear. Make sure you let us know over there at maxmanfund.org slash jjho. Aaron Ross Powell If you're somebody who has a buddy that, you know,

maybe heard John on This American Life years ago or or saw him on The Daily Show, or watched Dick Town, or who listens to Bullseye on NPR, or just loves an easy-to-enjoy night of comedy. I would encourage, this is my break to say, you're listening to Judge John Hodgman right now. Bring somebody to the show that's never heard the show before, because I think they're going to have a great time. It's happened before and people come up to us and say,

I never heard it before. I really loved it. I'm going to come back. It's a great show, suitable for all ages and a really nice night on the town if we're coming to one of the towns where you live, maximumfun.org slash events. Please no babies. Don't bring babies to our show. They might mess up the show. If you bring a baby to the show, it better have a good case. I'll put it that way. Let's get back to the stage in Austin, Texas. So we're about to move into the segment that we call Swift Justice. Oh, it's about to get real fast.

We're going to hear as many cases as we can in 15 minutes. We're gonna put that up on the clock. But first, Jesse, we have a friend of the court here. I was thinking we might like to bring in a friend of the court. He is not only the founder of the legendary Franklin Barbecue, he also recently revived the Eastside's

legendary Uptown Sports Club. Chef, author, good dude, sometimes goes to Maine. Yeah, he's been to Maine. Heard about that at lunch. Please welcome friend of the court, Aaron Franklin. Aaron Franklin, everybody. Yes. Local hero.

Local. Been to Maine, bin to Maine, local hero. Hey, I like Maine. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for being here. How are you? I'm awesome. We had some wonderful barbecue at your place today.

You have a new book out as well, correct? Certainly do. It's called Franklin Smoke. It's the third of three and it came out back in May. Do you mean to say there's not going to be any other books? It's the last of the trilogy. Oh really? In what order should we read them?

No. That's a fine question. Actually, I think you should start with the second one. Sure, alphabetical, I understand. So how are you? What did you do today? You know, normal work day, I'm doing great. I had lunch with you fine fellows.

That was really fun. It was good to see you guys. I think. I think technically I still have some of your brisket right here. No For far too long it's been sitting on a towel Aaron. I think that I take age under the lights I think I technically ate five lunches today. I 40 pounds of meat. Yeah. Yeah, I'm surprised you're doing okay I think I put down 40 pounds of meat, yeah. Yeah, I'm surprised you're doing okay. Do you watch your movies alphabetically, yes or no? I don't. No.

I do not. I like my movies in chronological order. What's your favorite movie? Oh, I mean. To put you on the spot. I'm a dad in his 40s, I mean, I'm gonna have to say Back to the Future of the Goonies. Yeah.

I mean, duh. 100%, I thought you were going to say master and commander. Which is the correct answer to that question. We have 15 minutes on the clock. We're going to pack as much justice into that 15 minutes as is humanly possible. Aaron, we're going to need your help, because you, sir, are a local celebrity.

Will you stick around and opine? I've got 15 minutes before the next movie starts. Alright, let's do it. Please welcome to the stage, Jeff and Kim. Jeff works at the University of Texas Austin. His wife, Kim, is an attorney for the state. They met each other playing on a kickball team together in San Antonio. That's amazing. And I'm sorry to see that you swallowed the kickball. It was an intense game.

Been there for a while. Welcome, Jeff and Pym. Who seeks my justice in this court? I do, Your Honor. It is Jeff. Jeff, it says here that your wife Pym thinks you laugh too much. That's mostly right yes, that's the complaint another shot fired in the war on mirth

Pym what is the problem specifically with Jeff's laughter? The problem specifically is that it's too loud while I'm taking videos of our precious children. So when you take videos of your children, Jeff is laughing in the background. Yes. And what does it sound like, Jeff? Hooty har har! It's assertive. I wouldn't say aggressive, but it's assertive. Yes.

Assertive laughter. Ha ha ha! Good one, child! Ha ha ha! Very adorable! Something like that? That's about right, yeah. And Kim, you'd like to tone it back maybe to like a reserved or recalcitrant from aggressive or assertive?

A chuckle would be great. A chuckle, a slight chuckle? I mean, obviously, obviously, Jeff is not laughing the style that I was laughing. It's down from there. How does the laughter ruin the video? I think it detracts from the child. He's not the subject of the video. The child is.

Well, you brought in some evidence. And we have your permission to share it? Yes. Alright, so if you would turn your attention to the screen, we're going to... Jessie Thorne and Aaron Franklin watch closely this is some evidence play it again I like you. The baby in your belly. I bet it's a girl. It sounds to me like all the-esque villain than I had anticipated. A little bit more ghost host from the Haunted Mansion than I was thinking. Can you do it now into the microphone imitation?

Indeed, kids do say the dondest things Aaron Franklin you are you are a parent to a human child do you have any any reactions or thoughts to Pym's complaint? um you know I think that at home when our child is laughing or Stacey's laughing or I'm laughing that's kind of the highlights of our day so I'm generally a fellow that's real into laughter. You're pro laughter. I am super pro laughter. Right, interesting.

So I may already be biased on this. So it's sort of like the just enjoyment of the adorable thing is kind of part of the moment that's being captured. It's kind of part of it, but I think you know the opposite of laughter is sadness. Man, I'm glad we're bright on the show, Aaron. I would disagree with you, Aaron. The opposite of laughter is literary humor and I should know. Well, well, well.

Aaron, I wonder if the situation was reversed. We're not trying to be comedy show funny. We're trying to be shouts and murmur funny. Just a raised eyebrow and maybe a soft chuckle like Pym demands from her husband. Kind of less of a ho ho ho ho and more of like, I get it. I get that cartoon. Clever. That's how you prefer Jeff to respond to your child. I mean, I will say, I feel like this is a fairly mild example.

I mean, this is maybe like- All right, you submitted the evidence. I know, I know. But I delete most of the ones where his laugh is aggressive. Now I ask expert witness Aaron Franklin, just hypothetically, we have a lovely husband and wife here. They're expecting a new child. They obviously are in love.

They have an adorable extant child. If the situation was reversed and Jeff was saying, I wish Pym would laugh less and when I capture her laughter on tape I destroy it. How do you think I might rule in that situation? I would imagine about the same. I don't know I tend to be pro laughter. Jeff do you ever take the videos? Whose job is it to record these I would imagine about the same. Well, I don't know. I tend to be pro-laughter. Jeff, do you ever take the videos? Whose job is it to record these moments? I acknowledge that Pym has taken on that role,

as many wives and mothers tend to. And I could do a better job of taking my fair share of videos. Pym, do you take on the mental load of the videos, and therefore you have the right to erase your husband from the history of your child rearing? Yes. I see. Are you allowed to react to your own children audibly

on the videos? Do you erase yourself when you accidentally express emotion? I would never. I take my job as their director very seriously. Do you really feel... You feel that your job is to document the children, not his reaction to them or yours. Right. If he's in the video, sure. Laugh. Your job is to raise your children silently and judgmentally in the New England style.

Which ironically, Jeff's family is from New England. Well, if you were doing it in New England, there wouldn't be video at all. It would just be a matter of taking a few hours to get the child to sit for a scrimshaw. Jeff, how does it feel when Pym says that you are ruining her future memories of your early adulthood, of your early parenthood, I should say. Well, I do feel guilty because sometimes the videos feel like I'm walking in on a video, they're in the kid's room,

I walk in, I see something funny, I laugh, and I feel like maybe I ruined that video. Sometimes it's a second take, oh, kid did something cute, let's have him do it again. Second take. A second take. Second take. Who's directing these videos, Jim Burroughs?

I think it's a David Fincher 90 takes in a row. Yeah, Stanley Kubrick up in here. Yeah, but those I feel, I still feel like, you know, I gotta live in the moment and it would be a weird thing if my kids are doing something adorable. They look at me for validation, I'm just sitting there stoic, stone-faced. You know, I feel like there has to be some kind of,

you know, affirmation for them for doing something cute. Yeah. Pim, what if you got like an applause and a laughter sign like at a sitcom tape? I'd be open to that suggestion. But also also smiling isn't loud. Are you trying to lose? Are you throwing the case? Did you just say smiling isn't allowed?

No isn't loud. Oh, smiling isn't loud. I thought, excuse me. Also, no smiling. One time on the set of Bored to Death, a TV show that should have won an Emmy and gone for 19 seasons. I was in a scene with Oliver Platt, a very great actor and a wonderful guy, except on that day, because I was reading lines with him he was on camera and I had to deliver my lines off camera and I was standing over there and he's and I we're doing it and he said hey buddy because he didn't know my name hey buddy now he knows my name but the time buddy said hey buddy can I do a really horrible

actor II thing and ask you to turn around because I don't want to make eye contact with you while he was delivering his lines you see what I mean and so I had to read my lines turned around into the drapes like this performing the thing and that was because that was a professional television production not a home movie I understand what you're trying to do, Tim, and I appreciate your dedication to your craft and your art. But I can't ever have one spouse tell another spouse to stop laughing.

It's part of the moment that you're recording. It's part of being a parent is laughing at your child. And now you understand that you have already been given an out, which is if you appear in the video, you are allowed to laugh. So if you feel the urge coming on, just photobomb it. This is the sound of a gavel. Sorry, Pym.

Thank you, Jeff and Pym. Let's welcome to the stage Elijah and Melissa. Elijah and Melissa. Elijah and Melissa are engaged, but still living separately. Earlier this year, Melissa. Elijah and Melissa. Elijah and Melissa are engaged, but still living separately. Earlier this year, Melissa sued Elijah in the court of Judge John Hodgman, and won.

Elijah requests an appeal. Well, Yes. This is pretty unprecedented. And I'm not in a good mood about it. You're playing a dangerous game. A dangerous game, Aaron Franklin. Aaron Franklin, we've never heard an appeal

in the court before. This, I believe, is a first. I'm glad I'm here for it. Should I throw them out or hear the case? We should hear the case. All right. You're lucky that Aaron Franklin is here, Elijah. What was the case in question, Melissa?

Refresh my memory because I have none. Well, when this whole thing started, when we realized there was an issue with him having bathroom towels in the kitchen drawer. Bathroom towels in the kitchen, I remember now. Yeah. Instead of kitchen towels, Elijah would bring towels in from the bathroom.

Bathroom towels, they live in the kitchen. He said he was gonna take me to court, he was gonna take me to court over this issue. Well, I took him first, and the ruling was, and I quote, boyfriend wrong. And I'm just here today to make sure it's changed to Beyonce wrong. I think that was the episode where I had accidentally turned into a Hulk.

I don't know, boyfriend wrong? Boyfriend wrong. I think that was the episode where I had accidentally turned into a Hulk. I don't know, Boyfriend Wrong? Boyfriend Wrong. I think that was the episode of our show. Right. I ruled Boyfriend Wrong, and Elijah, you're here to tell me Boyfriend not wrong, Boyfriend good and smart. Boyfriend have new system. Change everything about kitchen towels.

Break it down from the beginning. Watch Avengers in reverse order. Learn new. Boyfriend smash. Elijah, what is your argument? Sorry, I was enjoying that more than I enjoyed the main accent. I know, you were into it. Elijah, what's the basis of Your concern? My concern is... Melissa calls this a bathroom towel. No! What's that? This piece of brisket? Oh. But that's my brisket towel.

This is a bathroom towel! Let the record reflect that Elijah is waving around two very similar looking towels One is a hand towel one is larger one is a hand towel and the other is a bath towel A bath towel that right but yes. Mm- yes, I want to know what is so crazy about using this towel in a kitchen. Okay, so you realize how far the crowd has turned against you. Oh yeah, no I understand. Boyfriend wrong! Boyfriend wrong! Boyfriend wrong! boyfriend wrong, boyfriend wrong, boyfriend wrong. Okay, sorry. I just wanted to see if I had that power.

Let the record show for those listening at home, it's really amazing. Every member of the audience here in the Paramount Theater in Austin has stood up and turned their back to the stage. Aaron, you are a culinary professional. May I share the towel with Aaron? It feels gross. Not to tip my hand. Two questions for you, Aaron Franklin, if you please. One, what room is that towel traditionally associated with? And two, regardless of the answer to one, and please answer in numerical order, not alphabetical, is that suitable as a kitchen towel?

Is the towel that Elijah has brought as evidence? Aaron Franklin okay now this towel is clearly excessively absorbent it is a hand towel size from the restroom right and as a culinary but not from a restroom in a restaurant no from a home bath bathroom rightlished. And as someone that really is kind of a nut for cleanliness in kitchen stuff. And now why would you be? And why would I be?

I mean, as a culinary sort of professional? Yeah. You don't like brisket stored on stage towels, do you? Absolutely not. No, you want it to be clean. I'm a big fan. I'm a big fan of kitchen towels being in the kitchen and bathroom towels being in the bathroom.

I might suggest get some nice kitchen towels. I agree. This is the sound of a gallon. You'll deny. Thank you, Elijah and Melissa. Let's welcome to the stage Ariana and Robert. Ariana and Robert met playing Dungeons and Dragons together in college. They've been married for 13 years and have two children.

Ariana and Robert, what were and perhaps still are your characters in Dungeons and Dragons? Oh. I'm usually not the player character these days. I DM when I get a chance. Me neither. You know what I mean? You get to be my age. I am an NPC all the way. He was a wizard. I was a ranger. Thank you for the short answer.

He was a wizard. I was a ranger. Let's put that on a t-shirt as well if you don't mind. I was a warlock actually. All right, which of you seeks my justice? That's a type of wizard, sir. You can't fool me. I am the complainant. And what is the nature of your complaint? So we have a long-running tradition of sorts where when both of us have stubbornly dug in our heels on some complaint and it has to be a minor unimportant issue of some sort, this cannot be something important. When one of us is different... Ariana, can you tighten this up a little bit?

Yes, sir. When one of us is wrong, they have to sing the other a song. Got it. Thank you. Robert was right song or the Ariana was right song. Thank you very much. Swift justice. We have to go as quickly as possible.

You understand. There's a timer right there. When one of you is wrong, you have to sing the other a song. A wrong song, if you will. No, a Robert was right song or an Ariana was right song. Oh, excuse me. Yes. You have a piece of paper in your hand.

Oh, this is in pertaining to the original complaint. I was right about something She refused to sing the song directly to me because she found out while she was at work at her office She found out that she was wrong. It was wrong. Yes, and she sang allegedly to an empty office She sang the wrong song in her office. Excuse me, the Robert is Right song in her office after learning that she was what was the dispute about? Let me see your piece of paper. Okay. A lot of words there. Wow. I trimmed it when I sent it to your people. I thought I thought you had a bunch already. No. Were you expecting me to have some for you? I wasn't planning on doing any for

my class. Okay, good. Maybe we can put a list together sometime. Blah blah blah. You tried to bring this into my Swift Justice? This is not an overnight smoke, sir. Robert. You owe me a Robert was right song later. Ariana singing it now at work. At work. And you and you alleged, supposedly, you're saying she's lying. You're saying she didn't sing the song at all there wasn't even an office there's no way to know there's no way to know that cat could be dead or alive we don't know yes if a wrong song falls in a forest and etc Ariana did you sing the song in your office absolutely can you appreciate that that might not have brought Robert the sense of justice that

he felt he was owed? I have two main points. I'll hear them. Were you to hear me sing, you would not assume it was a reward for anything. Ah. So it was natural for me to assume that it was the singing of the song. Well, but Ranger. It was natural for me to assume that it was the singing of the song, not the hearing of

it that was important. My second point. The audience is turning around again. Oh, okay. As you wish. But I'm willing to hear your second point. My second point is that the singing of the song is important to the singer.

It encourages a certain give and take. Because if- Continue, Ranger. it encourages a certain give and take. Because continue Ranger. If you are in a situation where you're coming to loggerheads, you shut up because you don't want to sing a song. I see. So but the singing the song is punishment. It's contrition. Yes. But it is it is not you're saying it is personal contrition. It's like a confession between you and your religious professional.

Not something you actually have to share with your warlock friend. My religious professional being a man. You said that your singing would be punishment for Robert. Well now, you understand that if I find in Robert's favor, he believes that you owe him a song. If I find in his favor, you're going to have to sing it. Well to him.

I would like an additional song actually, your honor, for being right. Wow. Ariana will you come privately over here I'll put the microphone away. I need to hear the song. For the listener at home John and Ariana are consulting on the matter of the song. Thank you, Ariana. I've heard the song. Would you please sing it to Aaron Franklin now, please? For the at-home listener, Ariana is performing the song upstage to perhaps the world's greatest barbecue pitmaster, Aaron Franklin. Perhaps the world's greatest barbecue pit master Aaron Franklin

Do you ignore I don't know what the net what the how is the song Aaron it's beautiful I know it was great You have a great voice very well then I agree your honor easy warlock I Don't like compelling anyone to do anything on stage What but Ariana you acknowledge that you were wrong in this case? Oh, no, I acted in good faith, to the best of my knowledge at the time. Since then, since he's proven that it's so important to him, I've always sung to him. You've always sung it to him? Since then, yes, since we have established the rules.

But at the time that you sang the song in your office with no one around to hear it, you acknowledged that you were wrong on that issue? Oh, on the issue that spurned the song in your office with no one around to hear it, you acknowledged that you were wrong on that issue. Oh, on the issue that spurned the song, yes. Right, but you feel you've already performed it to the universe? Yes. But not to Robert? Yeah, he didn't, I didn't know it was important then. And now you know.

I stated it right there in the initial dialogue that I was waiting to hear it. To be fair, that initial dialogue is 47 feet long. Yeah. Yeah. As insufferable as your sense of entitlement is, Warlock, I have to say Ariana, I love your Rangers brevity. All who wander are not lost. You're amazing. But you do owe them the song. I'm sorry.

Singing alone in your office is not the same thing as singing to your spouse. Aaron Franklin, you're pro-laughter, right? I love laughter. How do you feel about singing, pro or anti? Uh... Wow. I'm not asking you to do it.

I'm just saying, should there be song in life or there should be non-song? There should absolutely be song. All right, you have a choice to either sing it into his ear where no one can hear it or you can sing it right now and get a rapturous round of applause and clear the air forever.

Okay. But it's your choice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Robert was right, Robert was right, Robert was right, Robert was right, Robert was right, Robert was right, Robert was right. Thank you very much.

Robert? Yes, Your Honor? May I never hear from you again. You have gotten justice. This far, no further. You shall not pass. Thank you, Ariana and Robert. And Erin Franklin, our thanks to you. We are such fans of yours and so honored to have gotten to visit you. I hope everyone will not only go check out your restaurants, but also your books. And look, if you're like me, you have a PBS Living subscription,

and you should stream Aaron's television program as well. Thank you so much for spending the time to talk to us. Thank you guys for having me. Aaron Franklin, everybody. Yeah! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! That's it for another episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Our thanks to everybody who helped us out in Austin, Texas, and everybody who came out. I hope that you will join us on a future live show.

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