Judge John Hodgman - Waiting for the Drop

Episode Date: August 20, 2015

Listen in as Judge John rules on metal meat utensils, 40 year olds listening to EDM, Vlad the Impaler-based religions, and the proper order to listen to podcasts. This week with Bailiff Jesse Thorn!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week. How are you, Judge Hodgman? Well, Jesse Thorne, our regular springtime, falltime, wintertime bailiff, coming back in from your summer vacation. Maybe you're not taking a vacation. This is my summer vacation, Judge Hodgman. I get to join you in Maine, eat up all your lobsters, and look at the leaves change.

I don't know a lot about Maine. You know more than you realize because, A, I am in Maine. B, we have a lot of lobsters here. You couldn't possibly eat them all. It's a glut of lobsters right now up in Maine. It's a glut of lobsters right now up in Maine. And C, you could watch the leaves change because the beauty of Maine is fall time starts August 1st. I thought of a fourth thing that I could do in Maine, which is sun myself on your cold, rocky, inhospitable beaches. Yeah, you could hurt your back by lying down on a beach and sunning yourself for the two hours of sunlight we get now that it's August.

That's what makes a Maine summer so terrific. It helps you. It's a great vacation if you are a person like me who secretly believes he doesn't deserve pleasure in life. You can hear a lot more about this when you come and see me on tour when i talk about maine massachusetts and my lack of pleasure on my vacation land tour which is coming up this fall i've mentioned it before and i'll mention it again john hodgman.com slash tour thanks for opening the door for a little plug there jesse of course i saw i saw that show i was lucky enough to see that show uh in an early stage here in los angeles this is a really beautiful show i think people should really take the time out to go see John Hodgman

as they've never seen him before. But let's see John Hodgman as they have seen you before, which is to say... Without seeing him at all. Here's our first case from Jared. Your Honor, I have a Teflon pan. My cousin likes to use metal on my pan when he comes over and cooks with it, using a fork to turn meat over. He says he's careful.

I've asked him not to use metal utensils, as he might scratch the Teflon off, which makes the pan less effective and gets in the food. His retort is, He's promised to replace the pan if he scratches it, but I couldn't ask a grown man to do that. A child would be another story, one presumes. Judge, please forbid Cousin Alex from cooking with metal utensils on my pan. Ugh. Jesse, don't you hate it when you got one of those cooking cousins coming over to your house and all of a sudden they're cooking meat in one of your pans?

I know, that's the worst. Everybody knows about that. That is a common and universal experience to have a meat cooking cousin who's constantly coming over to do his meat cooking on your pans. What kind of visit is it? Hey, can I come over?

Are you going to? Why do you want to come over? I just want to say hi. You want to cook meat in my pan, don't you? Yeah, I do. What do you got, chops? What do you got, T-bone? Cousin cooking visits doesn't feel very common to me,

but I'll allow that it's possible that Jared is not a liar, and he does have a cousin named Alex, who does use his Teflon pan and scratches it all up with a fork. And then Jared says, no. And then my favorite part of this letter is his retort is, get a cast iron pan, which is good advice. Because honestly, Jared, you shouldn't have Teflon at all. That is an unnecessary addition. Unless you maybe have one for scrambled eggs,

like one small one for eggs that you only use for that. But, you know, I've stopped using Teflon a long time ago, any kind of nonstick, because actually Teflon is a brand name, you know that, Jesse, so we can't, we got to watch out. We're in a buzz market for the Teflon company, but I guess I'm not doing a great job because I'm telling you they stink. So, and so I think the retort to get a cast iron pan as jesse and i have discussed in the past on this podcast is a great idea because they are beautiful durable you can get them vintage and uh and they uh and seasoned properly and heated up properly and treated

properly you will not have an issue with sticking. And even if you were using stainless steel surfaced pans, you would not have an issue with sticking as long as you take the time to heat the pan properly and use enough oil or butter. And also, don't scratch it up with a fork. One should take care. One should not poke around with a sharp granny fork in your pan, scratching up that bottom, whether it's Teflon or even Alex's beloved cast iron. You should use tongs and care. Two things that I often encourage people to use, tongs and care. I do love Alex's retort. I love that it's his retort.

Get a cast iron pan. From now on, that's how I'm going to, anytime someone gets in my ground, say, hey, get a cast iron pan, buddy. I like the idea that the retort here is that the guest demands that the place he's visiting purchase new equipment on his behalf. Yeah, right. It's like if you're always borrowing your friend's car and he's like, hey, would you mind not like revving it and then slamming it into gear so you can take off faster from

stoplights? And then the guy's like, whatever, get an automatic. Right. and then the guy's like whatever get an automatic right no i appreciate that this goes against all of our traditional siding on behalf of manners because this dude is invading his cousin's kitchen and treating his pans like garbage but the problem is his pan is garbage. So even though Alex is unquestionably rude, this is not a manners podcast. This is a justice podcast. He's being rude about a garbage pan. It's fruit of the poison tree.

I can't allow it. Get a cast iron pan. Okay, here's something from Nina. My dumb, dumb husband insists that the toilet paper should be underhanded because the Simpsons told him so. However, smart people and non-serial killers agree that overhand is the only way to go. Please, your honor, settle this debate. I honestly can hardly believe that we have not been called upon to settle this debate lo these past five years or however long we've been doing this show.

You know, it's interesting because this is such an issue of heated debate between spouses, partners, roommates, even pals. And how do you do it, Jesse? This is really going to upset 90% of our audience. I have found a way in answering this question to alienate more people than either one of the answers you were expecting. All right. I don't care and don't really pay attention when I put it on.

So it's either underhand or overhand, depending on which way the toilet paper happened to be in my hand when I was trying to get that little spring-loaded bar to stick into the little prong holes. You know, it's interesting because, of course, what I was going to do is whatever you said, I was going to curse at you angrily. But I don't care either, truthfully. And so it works out perfectly because now I can concur with my good friend Jesse Thorne. It doesn't matter. It does not matter. And I don't pay attention to it at all. And I can't see that there is any regional consistency or ethnographic or demographic consistency.

It's just all, I think, random how it was that you were raised. And it gets passed down generationally that that's the way the toilet paper should look. Joel Mann, sitting across from me here at WERU in Blue Hill, Maine, also listen online at WERU.org. Joel, which way do you do it? This is very important to me. And every time I see that it's done incorrectly, I actually reverse it and it has to come over the top. But I don't make a point of it.

I just do it. All right. You're a monster, Joel. And I'm leaving now. I'm sorry, Jesse. We're going to have to shut this down. But, Joel, I'm not really mad at you. And I will continue to support WERU. It is a listener

supported station here in Blue Hill, Maine, which allows me to come in here and do the podcast remotely. And I will not stop the podcast in anger because you could tell my anger was fake. Over the top, under the bottom, I don't care. If you do it over the top, then you can do that hotel thing where you fold it into a point. Oh boy, oh boy, Jesse, the very first TED conference I ever went to, there was a woman talking about memes. And we're not talking, this is like the real hardcore definition, the original definition of meme. The original definition of meme was not I can has pictures of cats with bold-faced lettering that you spread around, but it was the idea that ideas are like genes. This is why they came up with the word, I think, that they are self-interested and that they duplicate for the sake of duplicating.

replicating and in other words ideas have a kind of uh in effect evolutionary consciousness even though we all understand that their ideas their concepts and they aren't thinking for themselves that ideas spread irregardless of whether they're a good idea or a bad idea ideas exist to self-replicate and replicate and so this woman gave a long talk about this and showed many, many photos of toilet paper rolls from hotels that she had visited all around the world. I think there were maybe 25 or 30 photos of this toilet paper roll going over the top and then being folded by the chambermaid into a point. And she wanted everyone in the TED audience to believe that this was this toilet paper roll idea infecting the minds of housekeepers around the globe,

like a conspiracy, like a contagion. And I was like, TED conference i love you you're weird uh whatever the case is though uh i say it doesn't matter and so i'm arbitrarily going to rule in favor of the wife because she called her husband a dumb dumb and that made me laugh here's something from audrey i asked my co-workers, both of whom are named Chris, for their thoughts on a personal dispute, and they disagree with my take. Can you tell me who's right? I have a very loud next-door neighbor who seems like he's probably in his 40s. He's new to the neighborhood, and he doesn't understand that our neighborhood is a quiet one with mostly old people, families, and boring young

people like me. My bedroom window is near his patio, where he parties on weekend nights and sometimes even Thursdays, capitalized, listening to electronic dance music. These parties begin around 2 a.m. and can go until 5 a.m. I think I should go over and express my distaste and recommend a resolution, whereas my co-workers feel that I should call the police and remain anonymous. They think that based on his character as I have observed it from my bedroom window, he might not react well. I would really like to leave the cops out of it, at least as an initial reaction. Help!

I think at the end of that question, she fell into a well. Well, maybe we can get some help to her. And by the time we rescue her from the bottom of the well, we'll have solved her problem for her. I can tell you that your neighbor, your mid-40-year-old neighbor who is listening to electronic dance music, is going through a profound personal midlife crisis. He is probably divorced and trying to restart his life by pretending to be a young person. And his dance parties end at 5 a.m. with him alone in tears. How do I know this?

See if you can figure it out. In any case, I think that if you were to confront him... Judge Hodgman, when you said, see if you can figure it out, you were rewarding every one of our listeners who was waiting for the drop in that question. Good. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Bing-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-bang-a-rang. I, maybe if you go over there, you will see me partying with him. I'm enjoying EDM quite a bit.

But what I want to say is that this is not a violent man. This is a sad man. Unless he's an outlaw or a crazy person. The reality is, I think your instinct to be a good neighbor is a good one. And less cowardly than your friends going to your neighbor and looking him in the eye and saying, Hey, this is a little bit much. You may not realize it can forge a relationship and maybe pull this guy back from the brink of terrible depression. The only thing is you only get one shot at this because if it goes bad, then he will be mad at you.

And if you end up having no recourse but to call the police later, he will guess that it is you. And he might start leaving dead things on your doorstep. Who knows? Even though I think I really know who this guy is and there's no way at all that it's projection in any way. By the way, I'm not divorced and I'm very happy, but you know what I'm saying? Midlife crisis.

You intend to become divorced. No, I certainly do not. Your wife intends to divorce you. But I, this, I cannot speak to the future is unknown to us, but midlife crisis,

respect midlife crisis, no matter what. And so even though I think I know him, I might not and you might not. And it could be bad. So what I would say is if you call the police anonymously or if you call the police and remain anonymous. That is if that is your first best choice to resolve the problem. I know it seems cowardly. I know it seems unneighborly. And I know it seems maybe even a waste of the police's time. And probably it won't work. But maybe it does. And if it doesn't, then you can take the next step

and go over to him and say, hey, I saw the police were by the other night. I certainly didn't call them. I'm not the kind of jerk who would do that. But it is true that it's a little loud. And then he'll cry. And maybe you'll get married. I just want to emphasize that having a really loud open window EDM party between 2 and 5 a.m. is not an acceptable thing whether or not you live in a quiet neighborhood.

I have lived in the city my entire life. That is not an okay thing to do. It's one thing if we're talking about 11.30 p.m. or even 12.30 a.m., but if it's 3 o if we're talking about 11 30 p.m or even 12 30 a.m but if it's three o'clock in the morning and someone is having an outrageous party jam uh yeah not cool that's that's part of the reason why i kind of feel that even though i think i know who this dude is he's he's living he's living outside he's he's living in the lawless lands in his own mind. Do you know what I mean? Like, he's making decisions that are so far beyond the pale of civilization that there may be an unpredictable element to him that you do not wish to court personally. But it is the case that I think for the most part, in my experience living in cities, and I'm talking about living in New York City, which is a real city. It's not a half-baked city like Los Angeles, which is basically a desert with some streets in it.

And the nature constantly trying to take back over by sending coyotes into your house and scorpions we do have a lot of coyotes they have their own concerts when you live in a population dense area uh these things these like live rock concerts and impromptu street fairs and other completely inexcusably wrong behavior for dense urban living, these things tend to burn themselves out pretty quickly. And so a dude who's listening to EDM music from 2 a.m. to 5 a.m., you kind of get the feeling like, this guy is going through some transitions in his life. He will probably move eventually or be evicted or get into trouble with the law, whether or not you call the cops.

Hang in there. Here's something from Lawrence. I have an argument with my girlfriend. I have a terrible job where I spend long nights alone, and I spend much of this time working out the theology Of course you do. My girlfriend thinks I should stop doing this because it's, quote, unsettling, unquote, and, quote, strange, unquote. I don't see a problem. I don't see a problem.

It helps pass the time, and it's not like I'm crazy enough to ever quite believe it, or social enough to make someone else believe it. Is my girlfriend right that I should stop because this is a weird and unhealthy hobby, or am I right that it's an amusing and harmless one the answer really depends on how much you enjoy having a girlfriend to begin with what would vlampy impaler do that's what i would ask you w w w v t i d question mark yeah he'd probably impale. Yeah, that's his main thing from his name anyway. All right, so let me understand this. You are a night watch person or a parking lot attendant or a toll booth operator.

Or you have some other job where you're alone all night long. And you are developing a theology based on Vlad the Impaler. So you're developing a fictional religion around the dark deity of Vlad the Impaler, who was in some ways inspiration for Bram Stoker's Dracula. He took the name Dracula from Vlad the Impaler. But in all ways, just a first-class medieval creep, terrible ruler who did terrible things and killed a lot of babies. I think what you do in your own time is fine.

You know, you're basically creating a Dungeons and Dragons module. If it is interesting to you, that's fine. But if you are going to tell people about it, say a girlfriend or many thousands of podcast listeners, you should expect some questioning of your motives. It's a weird thing to do. Sam Shepard learned to write plays while being a parking lot attendant. He would write plays all night long. And look where he went.

He married Jessica Lange. That could be you. I think there's more of a future in creating works of art that you can share with other people than creating cuckoo religions about murderers. There's no question that someone will raise an eyebrow and maybe then a pitchfork and a torch and chase you out of the parking lot. But if this is your life and this is your art form, by all means, do it. Enjoy it. If you want to keep your girlfriend, write your creepy thoughts in a little Kevin Spacey diary from the movie Seven and keep it at work. Don't bring it home.

I don't want to suggest that you're wasting your time. You're clearly getting something out of it. It sounds like, you know, anyone in that position would need to find a way to pass the time that engages them. All I'm saying is, don't tell your girlfriend, because this is a no-brainer. She's going to think it's weird. And be careful who else you tell it to, because maybe you're going to suddenly start a religion without even meaning to. For example, I have converted to your religion. And now I rely on you. What's his name again?

I'm just going to call him Ceausescu. His name's Lawrence. Pope Ceausescu, you have to give me purpose and direction in life. Pope Ceausescu, you have to give me purpose and direction in life. I am I've abandoned all my worldly possessions and I am coming to your parking lot booth. Take me in as a member of your religion and show me the way. We're going to take a quick break. We'll be back with more of Judge John Hodgman in a minute. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans? Really? What's an example?

The braised short ribs. They're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck. Made-in, made-in. Riders of Rohan. Duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it.

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Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. And with me, as always, from Maine, a.k.a. vacation land, Judge John Hodgman. Yeah, by the way, during the break, I invented a religion. Don't you dare tell me about it, Judge Hodgman. Don't you dare. No, Jesse, I need to open your eyes. You need to open your eyes. Because from now on, I am worshiping the spirit that lives inside my Griswold No. 8 tight-top Dutch oven.

The spirit of effective seasoning? Spirit of effective seasoning? The spirit of effective natural nonstick polymerized surface of a well-seasoned cast iron pan. That, my friend, is magic. No, how dare you suggest that there is no God and that humans came from monkeys when I can cook a fried egg without Teflon. From now on, I'm going to wear this cast iron pan around my neck all the time. And everyone else who wants to be part of my religion will do the same thing and also give me money and status that I haven't earned. Okay, here's something from Aaron.

I'm in a dispute with my wife and my brother concerning air travel and car travel. I think that short trips, less than about a thousand miles, should ideally be taken in a car. They both think that all trips should be taken by plane. We have a trip plan traveling from Denver, Colorado to Omaha, Nebraska. It should take about seven hours to drive the 540 miles between the two cities. It would take about five hours by plane, between the two cities. It would take about five hours by plane, including flight time and waiting time. If we travel by car, we can leave Omaha whenever we want and could skip paying for a night's hotel. So you just sleep while they drive. There are four people going on the trip, and by my calculations, we would save enough money going by car to pay for the hotel

and the event tickets. I calculated that, comparing the total costs of flights to the total costs of gasoline for the car. My brother thinks I'm underestimating the cost of driving and wants to include wear and tear, oil changes, tires, etc. He based his driving estimates on the IRS recommended 55 cents per mile, which I find ridiculous. I'm asking for an order. That was a dramatic reading, by the way. I really appreciated it, but I think it was necessary to point out just how angry this guy is. He's pretty upset. The IRS recommended 55 cents per mile wear and tear cost estimate on a car, which I had never heard of before.

Yeah, that's for your taxes. Like if you're doing business travel in your personal car, that's how much you can take off your taxes for gas and wear and tear. I'm asking for an order commanding my wife and brother to take this trip and other short trips by car rather than airplane. So, Aaron, I find all of your math confusing. And I find your basic rejection of the IRS estimate to be illogical and random. Like you just want, if you want to use math to support your case, you got to use the math that exists. You think the IRS came up with that out of their hats? Their snap rim fedoras that all the IRS agents wear? It's true, you know, they love those hats. Now, probably they did come up with it out of the hat, but the point is, that's all you got to go on. You're arguing two issues here. One is the math, the finances of traveling by car to this particular place versus the finances of traveling by plane.

And you could do all the math and then find out that your brother and his wife still would prefer to take the plane because that's what they want to do. still would prefer to take the plane because that's what they want to do. And so I feel like all of this confusing math talk is nothing but that, confusing math talk. What it comes down to is, what's the better way to travel, by plane or by car? You like to go by car. They like to go by plane. Now, I know I was going to throw your precious math off if you're the only one taking this car trip, but if you want to go by car, go by car, meet them there. You're not your brother's wife's keeper. Do your own thing. You're a grown man. Do I think you should travel by car from Denver to Omaha? I bet you it's a boring drive, but I've never done it. And I would love to see what America looks like between those two points.

Even if it's the most boring, straight, flat, fast drive that you ever take, you're going to have lots of time alone in your car to listen to some amazing podcasts, or maybe tune into some weird local radio stations, or maybe develop a religion around Vlad the Impaler. Or, you know, I agree with you. maybe develop a religion around Vlad the Impaler. Or, you know, I agree with you. I think driving is more fun than flying a lot of the time if it's feasible.

But maybe it's just your brother and his wife don't want to spend seven and a half hours in a car going in a straight line all the time with you. So throw the math out the window and watch it in your rearview mirror as you drive and leave your brother and wife alone to do whatever they want. Do you think that the brother and the wife are just anticipating seven and a half hours of having math yelled at them? Yeah, maybe that's exactly what's going to happen. Maybe he's going to play all of his boring math podcasts. Maybe he's going to play all of his boring math podcasts. You know, I recently drove from Charlotte, North Carolina, to Charleston, the capital of West Virginia. And it was a five-hour drive.

And it would have been dumb to fly because I'd never been in that part of the world. Who knew what I would be missing? And my worry was that it was just going to be boring and kind of ugly interstate driving. But in fact, it was gobsmackingly, jaw-droppingly gorgeous as I entered into the Appalachian mountain range going through western West Virginia and then into West Virginia. It was unbelievable. And I stopped off at a huge West Virginia crafts service station. And they had all these West Virginia crafts, including a bunch of marbles,

because they make marbles in West Virginia. And I bought a bunch of West Virginia marbles. And I had a good salad. None of that would have happened if I had flown a plane. I can certainly understand that challenge. I wonder what it's like. You know what I want you to do, Aaron? I want you to drive

from Denver to Omaha and then I want you to write back to us with five great things to see or do on the road between Denver and Omaha. That's all. That's all I want you to do. That's my sentence for you. And stop bothering your brother and his wife. Here's something from Stephen.

My wife and I can't agree on how best to listen to your podcast. I feel one should start with the first episode release and move forward chronologically. The listener understands how the podcast has evolved. She focused on recent episodes when first listening, now jumps around to titles that seem interesting. The difference of opinion denies us the opportunity to discuss a particular case for fear of spoilers. I was listening first, so I think we should follow my strategy. It's called the firsties principle. I ask that you find that she should start listening from the beginning to foster family conversation.

I don't mind if she skips episodes that don't appeal to her. That's absurd premise, number one. What episode wouldn't appeal to her? Right. Each one has been studied, focus grouped, and guaranteed to be 100% appealing. If you knew how many screenings we do in a mall in Las Vegas, Nevada. Yeah. Grabbing young people from around the country so that we can sand off the rough edges of a given episode of Judge John Hodgman.

If you knew the work that we did focus grouping this thing. Yeah. And, you know, each episode, first of all, each episode we record is seven hours long. And then we whittle it down. Then the long editing process begins. Well, we usually do one to the script, and then we do one just for us. For funds. And then Judd Apatow pitches us what are called alts, which is alternative jokes to the same setup.

Yeah, just so that we have options, what we call ops. Yeah, exactly. We've got to have alt ops. Yeah. We're going to go into that focus group in Las Vegas, Nevada. And once we get through the funds and the options, then we get to show it to all the kids and we get,

and then we get the real, the real joy of it. Jesse is sitting in the back of the podcast theater and hearing a live audience. Enjoy it for the first time, the way it was meant to be heard in a podcast yeah and that's when you really know when things are 50 appealing when things are 25 appealing rarely when things are zero percent appealing and and then you but what you wait for is the

100 appealing 100 appealing on the dials that the audience, the focus groups have. And also we also have some EEGs going on. And we attach wires to their brains and eyelids to see how many times they're closing their eyes. So we have some EEGs, some MDMA. Yeah. Yeah, they're drugged pretty heavily so that we can get so you know, it's, it's, it's basically a truth serum of our own devising. That, by the way, is why so many of our episodes are just about Vicks VapoRub. Exactly. And so basically, there's no way, right or wrong, to listen to the Judge John Hodgman podcast, because we have done all the work for you

to make sure that each episode will make you feel as though you've been given a truth serum drug and will provide you with the exact same amount of amusement, catharsis, and enjoyment of the foibles of human monsters, human monsters of the kind who try to force their wives to listen to podcasts in a particular order now come on dude you're lucky your wife is listening to a podcast you know how hard it is to get someone to listen to a podcast you got to trap them in the car when you're driving from denver to omaha and like say listen to this listen to this listen to this boy oh boy and, listen to this. Boy, oh boy. And then you never know whether then you're listening to the, this is, let me say I'm speaking from personal experience.

The podcast that obsesses you, that you then force into someone else's ears suddenly sounds terrible to you. And it's the most mortifying thing you can do on a long car journey. Sorry, Paul F. Tompkins, when I forced that podcast on you. Made me feel terrible. So I would say you listen to it your way. She listens to it her way. All the podcasts have numbers. When you hit upon a number that is the same, you go, hey, did you listen to 289? There isn't one yet. We're getting there. Calm down. This is all hypothetical. You listen to 289 yet? No, I haven't. Okay, let me know when you do. You listen to 289? There isn't one yet. We're getting there. Calm down. This is all hypothetical. You listen to 289 yet? No, I haven't. Okay, let me know when you do. You listen to 289 yet? No, I haven't. Okay, let me know you do. You listen to 289 yet? I'm never going to listen to it. Stop asking me. Or maybe it'll be, yeah, I have listened to it. Let's talk about it. It's just

the way it is. People enjoy things the way they enjoy things. Let it go, dude. Can I offer like my personal preference so that it's on record because people ask me this question all the time? Your purse pref? Of course. And again, I want to clarify this is a personal preference. This is not any kind of binding anything. My strong preference is that if you are thinking, oh, I would like to listen to all of the episodes of this, there are almost no shows where you would not benefit from listening to the current episode first and then listening to old episodes.

I'm not saying you have to work backwards or work forwards through the old episodes. If you're the kind of person who gets some satisfaction out of listening in order, you can go back to the beginning and then go through to the end. But please listen to the current episode, not least because, A, it is the one that is current. Things that are current are happening in the world. And even on a relatively timeless podcast, that is of consequence. B, there are advertisements and solicitations that you

attend live shows and solicitations for donations. And if you are listening to something from four years ago, you are not supporting that podcast in any meaningful way in any of those categories. So again, like whether it's an ad-supported podcast or a listener-supported podcast or what, it probably depends on you listening to – or even a podcast that is just meant to goose attendance at live shows. It is probably dependent on you listening to the new episode. So please, listen to the new episode. If you want to also go back and fill in the back in whatever direction you want, that's great. But please listen to the new episode. And don't ask me when I'm coming to your town when I was just in your town.

Judge defers to bailiff. It happens from time to time. You're absolutely right. That is the way you should listen to podcasts. And the way the husband is doing it is wrong. I'm not trying. I am not trying. This is not a novel, dude.

This is not a novel, dude. This is not an unfolding story, except perhaps a picture, a pointillist picture of my own madness. But pointillism, of course, is an impressionistic art form where the big picture doesn't happen until all the little points are in place. And I put them in almost randomly. So just keep listening and enjoying it. And I absolutely agree with Jesse. As with all culture, you should support.

If you like the culture and want to support it, you should listen to it the way it makes money and the way the podcasts make money in, in both the literal and metaphoric sense, the way the podcasts make the most impact and money in the world is by listening to the most current one and keeping current with the podcast. Here's something from Jolion, or Jolion. Jolion Wag, the insurance salesman from the Tintin comics by Hergé? Almost certainly so.

Right, good. My friend, the Salty Sea Captain. Oh, blistering barnacles. this is quite a surprise to be getting a letter from a fictional belgian insurance agent from a tertiary character in a popular series of almost hundred year old comic books i would i would have taken i know i know that you don't audition for and then get roles in comic books but But when it comes to Tintin, I would have taken it. I would have taken the Julian wag. I would have done it.

Anything to be part of that world. I take any job in any movie. You know why I love that world so much? I realize Tintin's apartment was really clean before he moved into that mansion with the with the older sailor and things got creepy. Before he moved into that mansion with the older sailor and things got creepy, he lived an uncluttered life in a little apartment by himself where he did not have anything out of place. And he had some pretty nice books and a nice armchair and a dog to keep him company.

And that minus the dog was everything I wanted in my life when I was 13 years old. Oh, I presume that you were describing a midlife crisis that you're going through right now, as discussed earlier on the show. No, no, this is my 11-year-old crisis as I tried to completely skip over the terror of sexual adolescence in order to become the 43-year-old

gentleman bachelor slash Belgian boy reporter I felt destined to become the a life completely unbothered by clutter or sex that was what i wanted and that's what tintin had there are all kinds of race racist issues in tintin and erger was a complicated dude whose portrayal of non-non-white people was horrible in the early Tintin comics. And then, of course, he went through a profound change of heart and sort of opening of his worldview in the later comics. And they become less racist and less imperialist,

but never quite zero racist or imperialist. He never reaches racism zero. Yeah, well, we're all striving for that. But I think that his journey of self-discovery that really is marked by Tintin in Tibet and it's sort of the opening of his eyes to where he had been wrong in these particular issues in the past

is really beautifully documented in his own work. And I think that it to some degree, but never 100% makes up for the terrible stuff he was doing with regard to depictions of black and Asian people in the earlier ones, and Latino people as well, and really anyone who wasn't Belgian, or a white european but that said it's part of history it's part of comics history and it's great and i'm really glad to have gotten this letter from this tertiary character julian wag the annoying insurance salesman right because that's who it's really from right jesse or was it is just someone named julian who lives in new zealand no i just wanted to hear you talk about the racial politics of Tintin for 20 minutes.

Yeah, I know. Just like everyone else. While driving home through the earthquake... Nothing but a pointless picture of my madness, Jesse. That's all I ever promised. While driving home through the earthquake-damaged east suburbs of Christchurch, New Zealand, I encountered a sign telling me to take an alternate route. It was late at night and no other cars were around, so I had no idea which way the car I encountered a sign telling me to take an alternate route.

It was late at night and no other cars were around, so I had no idea which way the car in front of me went. If I had wanted to be a road sign abiding citizen, I would have had to sit and wait for an unknown amount of time until another car showed up and we went one way or the other. I could then have taken an alternate route. I have listened to your rulings enough to believe you to be something of a pedant, so I am hopeful of a positive ruling. I would like the Christchurch City Council to change the signage to alternative. You know what? Sure, dude.

Tell you what, I'm going to write a letter. You know what? You draft a letter to the Christ Church City Council, and I'll sign off on it, and I'll send it, and we'll see what happens. I barely understand the distinction that you're drawing, but I admire your pedantry, so I'm going to say sure. This person is suggesting that alternate means exclusively every other

or every second rather than the commonly accepted second definition of alternate which is I'm reading from the dictionary here taking the place of or alternative but that is this an American English dictionary or is it a New Zealand English dictionary?

That's an internet dictionary, but... Yeah. What are we like? Merriam-Webster, is that our jam? Merriam-Webster is our jam, even though they say that a hot dog is a sandwich. Emily Brewster, I still take you to task for that. What does Merriam-Webster say about alternate? Okay. first definition is

occurring or succeeding by turns. The second is arranged first on one side, then on the other at different levels or points along an axial line. The third is every other. The fourth is constituting an alternative. So that's a fourth definition? Yeah. gonna give it to julian dude write a write a letter you know what you don't even have to write the letter why am i making you write the letter i'm not a big star get me an address give me the name of the person in christ church who needs to make this change and get me the address i will write a letter and i will read it on the air next time or well by the time you know after you when i write it i don't know when he's gonna get me these my this guy this guy like all pet ants he doesn't care about actually affecting change he just wants to moan about

something yeah so we'll see if you're serious i will take up your cause. I want the name of the road commissioner in Christchurch, New Zealand. I want a description of five interesting things to see and do between Denver and Omaha. And I want a working theology that is internally consistent and sublime about Vlad the Impaler. And I want it by next Monday. Judge John Hodgman is produced by Julia Smith, edited by Mark McConville. about Vlad the Impaler, and I want it by next Monday. Judge John Hodgman is produced by Julia Smith, edited by Mark McConville. Ibarri Nexparello on the board this week here at MaxFunHQ. And over here at WERU.org, Joel Mann runs the board.

Thank you, Joel. We are on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com, on Facebook, and on Twitter, where I am at Jesse Thorne and Judge Hodgman is at Hodgman. You can use the hashtag JJHO. And if you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO to submit it. No case too big or too small. We reviews them all. Yeah.

Thanks for listening to the judge. John Hodgman podcast. Hot dog is not a sandwich. Come on, you guys. This is settled law. Stop bothering me about it on Twitter. Goodbye.

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