Judge John Hodgman - Wake Me Up Before You Go, Bro

Episode Date: June 18, 2014

Declan wants his older brother Taran to stop using him as his personal alarm clock.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, wake me up before you go, bro. Declan brings the case against his older brother, Taron. Taron's a heavy sleeper and often relies on Declan to wake him up in the mornings. Declan thinks he should get used to a real alarm clock since they won't be living together forever. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Oh, I have been out searching with the black book in my hand, and I've looked between the lines that lie on the pages that I tread. I met the walking dude, religious, in his worn-down cowboy boots. He walked like no man on earth.

I swear he had no name. I swear he had no name. Come on down and meet your judge. Come on down and make the stand. Come on down. Come on down. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever?

I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he's asleep right now? Yes. Very well, Judge Hodgman. Declan and Taryn, you may be seated. I realize you're both children. Declan, you are 14 years old, is that correct? Yes. And Taryn, you are 18 years old?

Yep. All right. And so I hope that my dramatic reading did not scare you. I am not a ghost. I am just a judge. Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors? Well, I'm not. I think it's the stand. Who's speaking? Who's speaking? Yeah, the stand. Talking about Randall Flagg. Yes.

Taryn, you're correct. Wait, but children, children, children of Yes. Taryn, you're... Is that correct? Wait, children, children, children. Both of us. Taryn, what is your guess? I believe that's the stand, talking about Randall Flagg. And what is the stand, Taryn? It is a post-apocalyptic, very long post-apocalyptic novel by Stephen King. Declan, what is your guess?

I'm same with Taryn. I'm going with the same thing. All guesses are wrong! You are correct insofar as those are lyrics to a song that are based on The Stand by Stephen King, the great post-apocalyptic novel by Stephen King that Stephen King wrote 1,200 pages of, had to cut out 400 pages in order to not be too expensive to sell, and then later reinserted those 400 pages or whatever once he got his money together. I think it was around the same time he remade The Shining movie. Good old Stephen King. He's getting it right finally. I do i do love stephen king i love that novel but these lyrics were not from that novel

these lyrics were from a song based on that novel by a band called guess what you guys the alarm the alarm get it get it because that's what this is all about. Why didn't you, don't you understand that that's how I do these? You're just children. Yeah, we thought you were going to do a Rip Van Winkle type thing. Yeah, well, once again, wrong. Sorry. Sorry. The alarm.

Two for two. Yeah, you don't know about the Welsh man, the Alarm, that formed in 1981? No. Its highest charting single in Britain was 1983's 68 Guns? You guys are teenagers. Why aren't you listening to the rock bands? What's your favorite superhero from Contest of the Champions, 1982? Is it Talisman or Shamrock?

I'll take your word for it and say yes, both of them. Or Shamrock. I'll take your word for it and say yes, both of them. We are teenagers, but we associate more with pop culture from the 1960s, like the Dick Van Dyke show and Mary Tyler Moore. Who's talking now? Who's talking now? Declan. Yeah, I can tell the 14-year-old is talking now because Taryn is like, no, dude, don't say these things. People are listening, dude.

I'm telling him not to pander. Not our secrets! I'm just telling him not to pander. Not our secrets! I'm just telling him not to pander. Oh, okay, good enough. You guys watch Dick Van Dyke's show together? Yeah. Yeah? A couple.

Mary Taylor Moore. What are you watching this on? Streaming video? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we bleep that out? Yeah, right. We all know. Sorry.

No, yeah. No buzz marketing. Yeah. We all know. The point is you're getting it from internet. Yeah. What is the appeal of the odd couple to a pair of teenagers? What is the appeal of two middle-aged men living together to you guys? We'll be two middle-aged Jewish men in about 40 years. So get a head start on that.

Is it a metaphor for your lives? Pretty much. Yeah. Because the dispute here, normally I reserve the right to not have underage litigants with very rare exceptions, because I, as a 40, now 43-year-old man, as of yesterday, thank you very much. Thanks. Thank you, everyone who's applauding their internet radios right now. Thank you. That's right. I'm halfway done. I, as an adult, reserve the right to not speak to children because I've done it. I did my work as a child talking to kids. I've got my own children to talk to now.

But I do welcome you onto the podcast, and especially now that I know you guys are watching weird old man shows because you are, I think, preternaturally weird old men. Yeah. Yep. You are the odd couple. Isn't that right, Declan? Declan, you're the Felix Unger.

Yeah. And you're bringing your older brother, Taron, to court because he doesn't wake up on time. Explain what's going on. Well, the main problem is that, like you said, Taron doesn't wake up on time, but he has the ability to use an alarm clock if he so chooses because he actually has one. alarm clock if he so chooses because he actually has one but he chooses he chooses to use me to wake him up just because i don't know it never really goes well sometimes it'll take me over 30 minutes to wake him up he's just a very heavy sleeper but you're the younger brother look i'm an only child so i only know how this works from the movies. But isn't he supposed to use you to do all the chores and then just yell things at you and throw food at you? Isn't that your job?

Yeah, I hold up my end of that. We aren't very stereotypical brothers. We're not like the Bat Brothers. We're very close. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're talking about the Sturdivant Brothers from the Bat House? The Bat House Boys? Yep. Yes, he is. Yes, I am. From verdict number, drop in the number here, Mark.

Like 12. Yeah. Oh, you guys got the archives. You truly are teenagers. Oh, no, I don't know. I just know it's very early. It's an early one. Talk about pandering now.

You guys are bringing my old... Jesse's and my old hits back. Yeah. Making us feel old. I'm going to tell you this right now. I knew he was going to do this. The more old you make us feel, the less likely we're going to find in your favor. So you better start humming the alarm pretty quick. All right.

So, Taryn, how late do you sleep? Well, on the weekends and summer days, I tend to sleep. I try to sleep until, you know, noon, one at the latest, if I've gone to bed at like five in the morning. This is where I think most of the problem is, not on school days, which it's summer now, so I don't have those, but it's weekends and summer days where i will utilize stecklin uh so i generally tell him to wake me up around noon

and do you wake up at noon when he when he tries to wake you up around noon in the general area my problem is that he tends to be very you know. And sometimes he'll wake me up a full hour before I tell him to. I've told him to wake me up at noon. And on several occasions, I've woken up and looked at the clock and it will be 1030 or 11. And that just makes me mad. That's horrible. I can't imagine anything worse than that.

I don't do that. Yeah. What a nightmare. Yeah, that would be horrible. I hate waking up before when i want to wake up so do i even 11 sometimes yeah 11 can you believe that sometimes there's only three numbers on the clock why are you staying up till five in the morning because i'm 18 no i i know that's the answer but he's trying to do homework.

Specificity is the soul of narrative. I should say, what are you doing until five in the morning, Darren? Well, you know, most 18-year-olds would lie, but I'm not going to do that. I am up until five in the morning probably binge-watching, you know, Breaking Bad or, you know, I don't know if I'm not supposed to say Meth Show on cable network. No, Breaking Bad, that's fine. Pieces of culture that are made by people are okay. Corporations are what I'm trying to avoid. Now I'm really into It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I've been burning through that, so I'll just watch something until I cannot keep my eyes forced open.

And are you drinking a lot of Jolt Cola? No. something until you know until i cannot keep my eyes forced open you're and then you and you are you drinking a lot of jolt cola no no you just made me feel old you just made me a lot of anything that's not water or because we don't have a lot of those drinks in the house because of a i don't know if you want to disclose this declan it's just i have diabetes it's not really a big deal those deal. We don't have a lot of energy drinks or sodas in the house because you can't drink a lot. Yeah. So you're just up all night binging and hydrating. Yep. That's a t-shirt right there, binging and hydrating.

There we go. I'm putting that one down. I'm sure that exists somewhere. As of right now, it does. All right, boys. Declan, what is your life like in the summertime? Are you watching TV all night with your brother, too? I'm watching it with him.

I'm usually ahead of the shows because I've always been a get up at the crack of dawn kind of guy. I don't need an alarm clock a lot of the time. So when I'm binge watching, there are only three numbers on the clock. But it's because I've woken up. It's insane. It's because I've woken up like 30 minutes after Taryn has gone to sleep. And so you wake up early

and start watching The Odd Couple and McHale's Navy or whatever and Breaking Bad. And then you spend the rest of the day doing what? Tidying up the house and working on your ships and bottles models? Absolutely not tidying up the house. Excuse me, Taryn!

You may be a legal adult, but this is still my courtroom. I'm talking to your younger brother now. I apologize. Now go ahead, punk. Answer the question. Come on, nerd! Well, good that you used the word nerd. I do most of the time be in... And answer the question.

I do, yeah, I do most of the time watching TV shows and cooking and just hanging out with my bird. Oh, God. Yeah, that's pretty much all I do. Taryn, I encourage you to keep your silence while your brother is giving testimony. Now, Declan, did you say cooking? Yes, I do cook. Oh, God. See, that's for me to say.

Not for you to say. That's for me to say. Do you understand? Yes, I do. All right. Now, stop taking your insulin shots and tell me the truth, nerd. Diabetes nerd. It's terrible.

What are you doing? What am I doing? Is your diabetes under control yes do you take insulin shots um i use a pump and what's that it's kind of like a tiny iv that you put on your body that has insulin in it oh see my i confess that that most of my deep core knowledge of what diabetes is all about is when Ben Vereen guest starred on Webster. You know what Webster is, right, Declan? Yes. I haven't seen it, but I know what it is. All right.

You succeeded in not making me feel old. feel old because I can tell already that even though you are the younger brother, you are the older man of this, of this, uh, uh, a sibling duo, right? Cause you're, uh, what, what are you cooking? Um, I don't, I make a lot of bread. Yeah. That's something that I try to do. Taryn, Taryn, seriously, seriously. Just a moment. Just a moment... Taryn, seriously? Sorry. Seriously? I was very... Just a moment. Just a moment.

Taryn, seriously? You got to keep back the falling to yourself. Yeah. Okay. All right? I'll throw a lot in. Okay.

You don't know, or maybe you do know, and you're about to find out, that Declan is a man after my own heart. When I was 14 years old, I was also baking bread. So, Declan, I'm with you. Go on.

Recently, I was very proud of the pineapple cinnamon creme brulee I made. Nice. Yeah, I don't. Where are you getting your recipes from? The Frugal Gourmet? Do you know what that is? It sounds familiar. Ah, you're lying.

It does. No, it does sound familiar. That's where I learned to cook from. And then that dude turned out to be a pedophile. And that's why I don't talk to people underage on my podcast, usually. I get a lot of recipes from Mark Bittman. Nice. I like Mark Bittman's recipes a lot, and he's a really good dude.

And I think he's got a lot of good philosophies about cooking. I find that the recommended temperatures in How to Cook Everything to be a little off. I think the food tends to come out a little undercooked. What do you think? Yeah, I definitely agree with that. Okay, cool. Do you just do desserts, or what else do you do? I do tons of, I try to mix it up all the time. I recently dabbled in molecular gastronomy. Now you're losing me, buddy. Sorry.

No, no, that's okay. Go ahead. I made grapefruit juice caviar. What? I don't remember this. Oh, yeah, maybe you slept through it, Taren. Maybe grapefruit juice caviar is for the early risers. Where do you guys live?

And do you have parents? Yes. We live in Atlanta. Oh, all right, cool. They live underneath an abandoned French restaurant. Oh, wait a minute. Are you guys anthropomorphic rats? And not actually humans?

Sometimes I look at Declan and see that. Whereby comes your foodie-ism, Declan? My dad and my mom. But my dad, he was just really into all the food. He's something of an amateur mixologist. Yes. You're making cocktails as well? No, not me.

My dad. My dad. Oh, okay. Are your parents both living, and are they together, or are they divorced? They're together. And they're both living? Yes. Okay, I thought you were using the past tense with your dad.

But maybe it's just you've matured so much that you think of him in your distant past now. Is that right, Taryn? Yeah. All right. Declan, I think everything so far is awesome. Taryn, let's go. Let's hear it about your brother. hear it about your brother why why is why is his uh why is his um self-directed uh culinary institute of america course uh lamer than you staying up all night watching breaking bad

oh i'm not saying it is it's just you know he is he's 14 years old you know he shouldn't know how to make caviar he shouldn't he i'm not entirely sure he should know what caviar is other than, you know, salty. But it's just I look at him and sometimes I see that he's already more successful than I will ever be. And it makes me mad. Well, what what are your what are your interests, Taryn? I am you're a legal adult now yes I am a legal adult you gotta be thinking about where your adult life is heading

you're not at the stage where Declan's at where he's just pretending to be a little adult in the house you've got a real world ahead of you what's that going to hold for you what are your interests well I will be going to Emerson College, majoring in writing for film and television, which means I'll be living in a single bedroom apartment until I'm 38.

Oh, if you're lucky. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're gonna, you're gonna be living either at home or with seven roommates. Yeah. Yeah. In Medford, Massachusetts. Right. But welcome to the Commonwealth, by the way. Emerson's a great school. I know. I visited. I really, really liking it.

You going to go work at the Coolidge Corner Movie Theater? Sure. Yeah. Why not? That's right. That's a thing that still exists. I'll take your word for it. So I'm'm not old i'm not old is the point so it's a great movie theater that is even better than when i worked at it in coolidge corner uh brookline so you're not just binge watching breaking bad you're doing research i like to think of those as the same thing oh you

are you you it is your requirement to expose expose yourself to as much culture as you can in the field that is your passion, which is writing for film and television. Is that correct? Has that been a long-term goal? I guess, you know, in terms of me only being 18 and it's, you know, two and a half years old as a goal, I guess it's been a long-term goal. But it's not like you, it's not like you spent your entire youth going, I'm going to be a lion tamer. And then two weeks ago you got up and said, no, right. Okay. Have you considered being a lion tamer? Like when I was eight, you know, there's no, do you, have you,

do you watch game of Thrones or have you read it? I need to. I'm the only person I know who hasn't. Yeah, I've listened to it. We have thin walls and my mom has listened to it. All the books. All the books. So I've been exposed to much of Game of Thrones.

The image of you, Declan, with a little water glass, your ear to a little water glass against the wall, listening to Game of Thrones is the most adorable thing. It's like all the kids of my generation. You have no idea how accurate that is. Yeah, all the kids of my generation watching John Hurt have sex on iClaudius through the keyhole of their parents' television watching room, their den or whatever. You guys know about the TV show iClaudius, right? Yes.

I watched it in Latin last year. All right, good. In the family, we refer to it as iClaudius because of the way it's spelled. That's pretty good. It's a pretty good joke. I like that. I like that. Family joke?

That's a family joke? Yep. Yeah, I like family jokes. Have you watched iClaudius with your mom and dad? No. I watched it in Latin class, and I don't think Declan has. Yeah, I actually haven't watched it. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Yeah, I haven't watched it. Hang on, Declan. Hang on. Taryn, you watched iClaudius? Do you go to a public school? No. No.

All right. I was going to say, if you watch iClaudius in public school in Atlanta, there are going to be some lawsuits. There's some... Did you see all the scenes of iClaudius? Yep. It's pretty heavy stuff. You know, Judge Hodgman,

fewer and fewer public schools across this country have Latin programs. Well, that's true. I suppose that's right. I guess I'm not the world's greatest detective after all. Should have seen that one. That's cool. I Claudius in Latin, but you have not seen it, right?

Is that right, Declan? I haven't. All right. It's not like it's inappropriate for me. I only have four episodes left in the wire. So I just haven't gotten around to it yet. Oh, we'll see. We'll see.

When you finish watching iClaudius, then you'll decide whether it's appropriate for you or not. That's how a 14-year-old should be. Make your own decisions. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. No. Ask your mom and dad if it's okay to watch iClaudius. They make the decisions. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hasn't he been telling you you have to watch it?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Our dad has been pushing it on us. Yeah. But I just don't want to be, you understand that I don't want to be in a position legally where I'm giving, where I'm somehow saying it's okay for you to watch iClaudius and you're 14 years old. I keep forgetting that you're not a 35-year-old weirdo like I wanted to be when I was your age. You're a child still. So ask your mom and dad. Go to your mom and dad, look into their purses, and send whatever you find there to MaximumFun.org. That's a famous Soupy Sales reference. You know what I'm talking about, Soupy Sales?

No, no. Oh, you both made me feel old. It's okay. Taryn, the only reason I was going into that whole weird Game of Thrones rat hole was that I was saying you should be a lion tamer, and then I was going to brag about how I was in Santa Fe a couple days ago with George R.R. Martin and his wife, Paris, and his wife, Paris, ran away with the circus, literally ran away with the circus when she was 25 or whatever, because there was a recession on,

and that was the only job she could get, was selling milkshakes at the circus. The circus, you guys, have you thought about that? The circus makes me sad. The elephants shouldn't. They should be, you know, not tied up and sad. Yeah, no, I agree with you. Obviously, an animal-less circus. There are lots of them. Yeah.

In fact, you know what, Declan? You're 14 years old, right? Yes. This is me, John Hodgman. I am ordering you to leave the house tonight and join an animal-less circus. Don't ask your mom or dad. Just do it. I don't think I can keep that project.

I think we got it. I think we got that one. All right. Is that taped? Okay, good. End of podcast. Taryn. All right.

So Declan, Taryn is up all night watching movies and TV and whatnot. He's doing his thing. And it's summertime, and he's 18, and his body is burning through calories like nothing else. Why can't you let this guy sleep late? Well, because he will text me before he goes to sleep, and he's like, wake me up at 11. And then I go to his room at 11. And he's like, let me, I'll try to wake him up. And he won't respond for five to ten minutes.

Hold on. Do you read the number 12 as the number 11? No. You've told me to wake you up at 11. It's your story. You tell it right now. And also, he has the loudest alarm

clock. It is it vibrates and it makes this the loudest and most annoying sound. I thought you were the alarm clock. I know, but this is where it gets bad. That doesn't wake him up. So I'll just be in my room

looking up foie gras recipes. Oh, whoa. Wait a minute. Can we get some consistency here? You don't want to work in a circus with elephants, but you're fine with ducks that have been force fed grain until their livers burst? I'm actually a vegetarian. I was just, I'm, and I have my hair, it would just it's

it just means that I will inevitably live in Brooklyn. Just the way I live. I'm a vegetarian with like 17 inch long hair. It really is.

Oscar, Oscar, let Felix talk. Alright. What was even the question? inch long hair it really is all right hey hey oscar oscar let felix talk all right so i mean what was even the question oh yeah so he's got the alarm it goes off and it will just keep going off for a minute he'll hit the snooze button five minutes later it'll go off he'll hit the snooze button but the worst is when i'm in the shower um which i'm often in the shower right before he wakes up for some reason right because you take seven showers a day no that's me yeah um i thought i knew you guys but now there's always a new wrinkle to this yeah okay so when you're in the shower the alarm goes off and it's so loud and it buzzes that I'll jump. And I honestly think that that's not safe.

Because three times in the last month or two that's happened and I've almost jumped. And I don't want to slip and break my neck. That's just a thing that makes me anxious. Are you adjusting your tie right now? He's adjusting his imaginary tie. He picks at his shirt like he has a tie there. So for the sitcom that we're making about you guys, I already have two images for the opening credits montage.

One is of Declan listening to the walls as his mom listens to Game of Thrones as an audiobook. And the other is Taron on one Game of Thrones as an audio book. And the other is Taryn on one side of a wall, sleeping through an alarm while Declan in the middle of his second, his second conditioning of his long hair jumps. And then I think we also need a moment where you guys are walking through a grocery store together or a park, right? Or sitting on a park bench or one or like Declan's trying to hail a cab and Taryn's just throwing hunks of roast beef

at traffic or something. I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet, but it's going to come together really good. Taryn, what would be your scenes in the opening credits montage? Are you a vegetarian as well? Oh, absolutely not.

All right. Absolutely not. And so you're long of tooth and you've grown a little bit. You're probably physically much bigger than Declan is. No, I'm taller than him. He's a little bit taller than me. Oh, weird. I can't figure this out at all.

Are you or were you ever a jock? No. I'm like a big. I could totally beat you up if you wanted me to, but I don't. I'm just not that type of person. I don't want you to beat me up. I could. I swear. Taryn, what is up with your alarm clock?

It's very loud and annoying. And, I mean, it will make me swim out of sleep but you know in on the weekends there's just not the same urgency to get up what happens what happens during the school year are you able to wake up and go to school well wait now you be quiet nerd yeah i apologize i apologize. I will set the alarm on the school day, and it'll go off, and then I'll hit the snooze button, but I'll know, oh, you know, I should be getting up around now. Because I set it to go off about 15 minutes before I want to actually be up. What makes the alarm so loud? There was something in the brief that was submitted to me that this is a double mechanism alarm.

It is called a sonic bomb, and that's pretty much exactly what it is. You can set it. There's four settings. There's off, there's buzz, there's vibrate, and there's vibrate and buzz. So it comes with this little buzzer that, you know, it's like the mechanism, not a mechanism, it's like the thing they'll give you at a crowded restaurant so that you can sit outside and then it'll buzz when your table is ready. Okay. But it's, you know, three or four times more buzzy than that. So that'll buzz when the alarm goes off and it'll also blare.

So that'll buzz when the alarm goes off, and it'll also blare. So you have two-pronged assault. You have the buzz waking you up, and you have the sound screeching at your face. And Declan, you submitted the evidence, the photos of the sonic bomb? Yes. So there's a separate... I can bring it in here. No, no, that's okay. What is the separate vibrating nodule?

What is that for exactly? It's a separate. It looks like there's an alarm clock, a digital alarm clock. There are three numbers on it since that's how we tell time now. And then there's a separate vibrating nodule, as you put it. Where is this nodule to be put? And remember, this is a family podcast. This is to be put under the pillow oh yeah under the pillow so that shakes your body and wakes you up but

taryn doesn't put it under his pillow he puts it in his wooden drawer that has nothing else in it so it amplifies the sound and it's like a horrible rattle and buzzing when if he that makes you jump in the shower during your hot oil treatment yeah but he the he thinks that it will like give him a heart attack if he puts it under his pillow yeah why don't you put it under the feeling it feels weird it't like the feeling. It feels weird. But it's not supposed to be comfortable. It's supposed to wake you up. I just don't like sleeping on a pillow and then there's a lump under it. Hang on, hang on, you guys.

Someone, of course, took a video of this thing in action on YouTube. Let's just take a look. Nothing so far. Nothing so far. Nothing so far. Nothing so far. Nothing so far. Nothing so far. Oh, jeez.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. It made me jump in the shower, you guys. It really did. Oh, I forgot to mention I'm taking a shower while I'm recording this. The first time I set it up, I was setting the time, you know, because it starts at midnight, because I guess, why wouldn't it? So I was setting the time, and then I was setting the alarm, but it was set on vibrate and buzz.

So I was scrolling through the hours for the alarm, and then I got, got you know because that happens when you're going through time you hit every minute and it was you know new t-shirt that happens when you're going through time you hit every minute yeah so it was like you know it wasn't that far after midnight when i was setting it up so i was like 12, you know, I set the time as 1210. And I guess the alarm mechanism was on. So I was setting the alarm for, I think it was probably a weekend. So I was setting it for like 11 or 12. And, you know, as soon as it had scrolled past 1210, it starts doing that.

And I screamed and I jumped and I i ran away you screamed yeah i mean folks well maybe we'll post the youtube on the blog but when this thing goes off that vibrating nodule that that thing starts jumping like yeah like an electrocuted mouse so, it jumps around the drawer. And to give a little, to paint a little picture, I sleep in a... A nest? I sleep... Yeah, basically. Yeah. I saw this one coming.

I sleep... The physical structure of what I sleep in is a combined dresser, desk, bunk bed that was put up when I was like seven years old. Right. And I just haven't, cause you know, I'm, I'm about six foot tall and the thing is about six foot long, so there's no need to replace it cause I fit in it. But the,

but the bottom bunk, which is what I sleep on is a pullout drawer. So I essentially sleep on the floor. So, and then above the bottom bunk up to the top bunk, there's a series of drawers. So I put the alarm, the blary part on the desk part, which is about, you know, two feet, three feet above my head. You know, I don't need to hear your physical description of your bunk bed anymore. And the buzzers in the drawer are closest to my head. All I care about is, does this thing clearly...

This thing clearly annoys... If the purpose of this alarm is to annoy you into wakefulness, it does not seem to be working. It just seems to be annoying everyone else in the house. And I think part of the problem is there's no real... Because the cord isn't long enough to put it next to my head. So the blaring is coming from three feet above me.

And obviously if it were working, you wouldn't be asking Declan to wake you up, right? Right. And I think part of it is the weekend, you know, I know I don't have to get up, so it's much, I'm much less inclined to listen to it. This thing is going in the garbage immediately.

Now, Declan, why is it offensive to you that your brother is sleeping so late? He can sleep until whenever he wants, but he tells me to wake him up, and then I have to stay there for like 30 minutes because when he's sleepy, he does these weird psychological mind games to try to make it so I won't wake him up. He's not just like, give me five more minutes. He's like, you're just doing this because the world wants you to do it. You should do your own thing. And it's just, yeah. I don't think that's a mind game.

I think that he's still asleep. I think he's a schizophrenic person. Yeah, but he just won't wake up and he keeps saying these things that are weird and don't make any sense. Well, if you really don't care when he wakes up, why do you bother trying? Why don't you just say no, bro? I want him. He wanted me to wake him up at a certain time. Yeah, but he's only abusing you in a semi-conscious state.

Why don't you just say, no, I'm not going to do it. You wake yourself up. You're 18 years old. Because I know when I'm about to go to sleep, I know that I want to wake myself up. And I know when I'm waking up, I won't really want to wake up. And I know that's what a lot of people have described it. And I know when Taron, when he's in his state where he's not telling me that the world's telling me to wake him up. Basically dead.

When he's basically dead, he wants to wake up at a certain time. And once he's really awake and walking around and playing with our bird or whatever, he's like... Oh, I don't even know if I want to hear about your bird. Yeah, never mind. This is making this sitcom even better.

What kind of bird? It's a sun conure. It's kind of... That's a kind of bird um it's a sun conure uh it's kind of it's that's a kind of parrot yeah it's a it's on the smaller side it's like a medium-sized bird uh he lives take a lesson take a lesson from how i shut your brother down when he when he tried to describe you know every joint of the pump bed it's a kind of parrot and He's a son of Kanye. It's going to live to be 100 years old. It's going to outlive both of you. They live to be like 40, 50. Okay, and how old is it now?

Seven. This is going to be great. When you guys are sharing an apartment in Brookline Village with your son Kanye, what's the name of the bird? Kazoo. I don't think I can handle that. I don't think I can handle living with him as an adult

just him well this is the thing, your brother Declan thinks you can't handle yourself your 14 year old brother feels that he knows better than you about how late you should be sleeping and he feels he also knows exactly that you say you want to sleep longer but he knows how he feels when he sleeps too late and he doesn't like it. How do you respond to that?

I don't, I totally, I began to address the question and then I forgot all of it. Yeah. I basically went through the describing my giant bunk bed with that question. So ignore it. Yeah. went through the describing my giant bunk bed with that question so ignore it yeah all right declan what what are you what what's gonna happen when taryn goes off to emerson college that's when you're not unless are you moving with him are you going to be maybe that's a sitcom you're moving with him and you and kazoo are coming along with him to be his co-dorm butlers. No, I'd kill myself.

But don't. Okay. He's saying. Your brother actually was about to say, don't kill yourself. That's so sad. Declan, do you think Taron can take care of himself or he needs you to tell him to not self-murder? I just thought it was kind of grim and it made me sad. Anyway. It is sad. The situation is sad. Your brother is leaving to become an adult. He's moving to

Boston, Massachusetts, and you won't be around anymore. Is he going to be able to take care of himself? Yes or no? He'll be able to take care of himself. i'm very happy for him he's doing what he wants to do but he has said he has said that he might not take the alarm with him because it will wake everyone up in the dorm but before he had this alarm on school days sometimes he wouldn't get up i had to have a surgery for my deviated septum in october and taryn is all home alone because we had to get to the hospital at like four in the morning and he didn't wake up at like 6 30 when he was supposed to he got up at like 10 45 and i honestly don't remember this he missed like the first two and a half hours of school. And if he doesn't bring...

Yeah, I'm not surprised you don't remember it. You slept through it. Right. Yeah. He, but I... Let me just interrupt here. Would it surprise you to learn that I also suffered from a deviated septum at your age? No.

And that I also had surgery to correct it? Yeah. It does not surprise me. Let me ask you this, Declan. When you had that surgery, did they give you anything for the pain during recovery? What did they give you? I forget the specific name. It's one of the painkillers.

All right. Next question. Do you have any leftover that you can send them? I might have one or two. Okay. 14-year-old child. Please mail an adult your leftover painkillers. I want that to be on internet record.

I want everyone to know that I ordered him to leave, before he goes and joins the circus without his parents' permission, I asked him to send me painkillers. All right, bring it on. This is what I get for inviting a 14-year-old onto my podcast. So your brother slept through your surgery, or he didn't wake up in time, and therefore what happened?

How were you inconvenienced? Oh, it didn't inconvenience me. It inconvenienced him. It didn't inconvenience you. But I feel inconvenienced when he's inconvenienced. Why do you feel inconvenienced when he is inconvenienced? Because he's really close to me and I want him to succeed in the way that he can. You can only parent your children, my friend.

But I know. I wish even that were true, Jesse. I wish even that were true. true jesse i wish even that were true but he i just don't want him to sleep until like 10 50 his first day at emerson without the horrible alarm clock how what are you guys going to do this summer as a family individually as brothers what's the plan what are your plans for the summer taryn i'm hoping to relax as much as possible because, you know, summer as I know it is dead. What are you

talking about? It's not really... No, I mean, not now, but, you know, there's not going to be a whole lot of relaxation time in the next four years for me, so I'm going to milk it for all it's worth. I'm going to do a lot of sleeping. Do you even know what college is? Yeah. The 14-year-old and I finished each other's sentence.

All right, Taryn, you are, in many, many ways, you are in for- No, but I don't plan to relax. I plan to, you know, explore. I plan to- Hang on, I demand order. I was about to make a joke that was going to reference a whole bunch of themes. All right. I apologize.

In many ways, you're in for many rude awakenings. Good one, right, Declan? Yeah. Yeah. I feel like you already said that all the way through. Yeah, but I was bringing it together, dude. Do you know anything about writing? You're going to learn. Not yet anything about writing? You're going to learn

I'm going to school for it Alright, so you're just going to hang and watch and hang and watch and sleep, right? I realize I'm going to have a lot of free time but I plan to not have a lot of downtime I want to explore I want to socialize Taryn and I, together, we're going to go

probably on a day trip or two through some more of the southern cities that we haven't really experienced, like Charleston. Maybe visit the cast of Small Town Security. That would be great. Guys, you know you're still on a podcast. It's the show that's on after – oh, you know it. Never mind. That was a different thing you just said. It's on show that's on after... Oh, you know, never mind. That was a different thing you just said. It's on AMC.

It's about a security team in Ringgold, Georgia. Anyway. All right. Well, you got that. You got... All right. Good work, AMC. You got them to say the name of your thing.

So you're going to go to Charleston? That's a good town. And we always go to Montauk, which is... We're not going to drive there, though. Yeah, we're not driving. That's not a town in the South. But the whole family. The whole family will go. Right. Yeah, we all go to Montauk, which is... We're not going to drive there, though. Yeah, we're not driving. That's not a town in the South. But the whole family. The whole family will go.

Right. Yeah, we all go to Montauk. Have you been to Oxford, Mississippi? Yes. I lived there for about a year. My dad taught at Ole Miss for about two years. Oh, cool. So I spent my first eight months there.

I was born in Memphis, the same midwife who delivered Elvis's daughter delivered me. Oh. But we lived in Oxford. Sweet stuff. Yeah, that's my claim to fame. me. Oh. But we lived in Oxford. Sweet stuff. Yeah, that's my claim to fame. Wait a minute. So you lived in Oxford for a year? Yeah, eight months a year.

Taryn, which year? Well, I was born in very late 95, so it was mostly 96. Oh, okay. So you don't remember. No. You only started drinking in the Oxford bars towards the end of your year there. Right, yeah. Okay, got it.

That's a good town. You ought to go back there and visit. We did the other year. We just drove through there. We drove to New Orleans. The only reason I ask is because Alton Brown and I went there one time when I was writing for magazines, and we had the greatest time, and we were looking for William Faulkner's grave, I was writing for magazines and we had the greatest time and we were looking for William Faulkner's grave.

And there was this like 12 year old kid who was wandering around wearing these slippers that looked like monster feet in the middle of the road. And he was the one who directed us to Faulkner's grave. And I thought, what if that were you, Taryn? Cause what if the time sounds like Oxford? Yeah.

But it sounds more like Declan to me. Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't alive. Oxford. But it sounds more like Declan to me. Yeah. I wasn't alive in Oxford. Yeah. Okay. All right. So you guys are going to do some stuff together and have some bro time, right?

Right. Yes. Yeah. And on the road, when you guys are doing these overnight, they would have to be overnight road trips, right? Yeah, like one or two days. And mom and dad just let you guys go off driving to cities? Or is it with them? They're open to it. Yeah, we one or two days. And mom and dad just let you guys go off driving to cities? Or is it with them? They're open to... Yeah, we're responsible.

Yeah, it sounds like it. Boy, these guys... I want to be your mom and dad and just have given up about three years ago. It's like, well, you know what? Declan's just going to raise this 18-year-old kid. Let's just watch iClaudius and listen to our audiobooks and be done with it. All right. How are you going to feel when your brother leaves for college?

I am going to be sad, but I'm also going to be happy for him. Like I said, he's always been there, and he's a really important part of my life. And we've just – he's literally always been here my entire life. Right. But now you're going to have the kitchen to yourself yeah taryn you're finally you're finally gonna get to be the only child you always were born to be um yeah but a lot of the times i'll just cook something for a specific person so like the other day i just made a cookie for Taryn. Just one cookie? No, two cookies. I made two cookies.

Living on the edge. I didn't think it could get more adorable than one cookie, but when it got to be two cookies, I think literally hundreds of podcast listeners on the road pulled off to the side of the road to cry.

Taryn, how are you going to feel about leaving your brother behind when you go to college? It's going to be weird. I'm going to, I mean, it's not like I'm never going to see him again. It's just going to be weird,

but I'm also really excited to get new people in my life. I didn't hate high school, but by the end I was like, you know, I just want new people in my life because I didn't hate high school, but by the end I was like, you know, I just want new people in my life because in a way, I'm almost afraid I might be a psychopath because

I just, I feel like I've gotten everything I can out of the people and I need new ones because all these people are empty and dead to me. Another t-shirt quote from Taryn. Yeah. So I'm very excited to meet quote from Taryn. Yeah. Yeah.

So I'm very excited to meet a whole new people, only people, you know, be, be the person I have become through the years without anyone knowing me. So without anyone saying, Oh, you've changed or I like the old you better. So that'll be, are you going to change your name? That's something kids do sometimes at college when they take on those new identities, they give themselves a new nickname or a new, a new name. I once, I once saw a, um, I was visiting my friend's school and there was a seating chart and there was

someone named Quantavious spelled Q W. So if I'm going to change my name, it's going to be the vet. Quantavious. Yeah, right. Exactly. You should, you should, name, it's going to be the van. Quantavious. Yeah, right, exactly. You should change your name to Caligula with K's. Taron's name is a pretty important

literary name. From the Lloyd Alexander books. That's why he's named Taron. I can tell your mom and dad read some fantasy books in their time. I'm named after Elvis Costello. No, I don't think you're named after Elvis. Yes, I am.

No, I'm named after him. We've had conversations about that. Because Elvis Costello's real name is Declan McManus. Yeah, you don't understand what's going on, Terran. While you're sleeping until 1, your mom and dad and Declan are having an amazing brunch and some deep conversations. Well, I don't feel like I've missed out very much. Declan, what is it you want me to order your brother to do in these last few weeks that you have together as a family? Well, I'd like him to, when he wakes up, if I'm there, instead of him yelling at me,

he'll wake up. And also for him to bring the very loud alarm clock to Boston. Taryn, what do you want me to order if I find in your favor? I just want him to wake me up more. I want him to wake me up more gently. He's very strident.

Probably more strident. There's a lot of touching. There's a lot of light slapping. Why didn't you mention this a thousand hours ago? When you were in the middle of the audible blueprint of your bunk bed. Tell me about the slapping and the thing before I go into my chambers. It probably feels much more aggressive because I'm asleep. But I think the main part of it is that he sounds so condescending.

Like he's talking to a little baby. That I believe. Tan, you got to wake up, buddy. I should work on that. I'm your elder. Don't call me buddy. I'm not your buddy. Okay, YouTube buddies.

I've heard everything I need to hear. Do you have any last thing you need to say? Real quick, real short? The most physical thing I'll do, which is, for some reason, it makes him move a lot and wake him up, is tickle

his feet. Which is very weird. It is weird. It'll wake him up, though. I'm going to do a summary judgment on that right now. That's weird. It'll wake him up, though. Yeah, I'm going to go to a summary judgment on that right now. That's weird. All right. Taryn, any last words before I go into my chambers? Nope. I think I've said everything I want to say.

All right, Kazoo, hop on my shoulder. We're going to go deliberate this in my chambers right now. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Taryn, how are you feeling about your chances here? I'm feeling better than when I came in. I think Declan's far more likely to maybe come ahead because he is the more reasoned person here. I just really am just a bitter old man complaining. But either way, you know, I only have to live by the judgment for a couple weeks,

and then, you know, I'm on my own. Declan, what do you think it takes right now to wake up your older brother? Like, what are some things that you would have to do to get him actually up out of bed as he has requested of you? Um, definitely the weird thing, which is tickling the feet is something I have to do. A lot of the times I don't want to, but I kind of, I kind of have to, it's the only thing that'll get him up talking to him. He doesn't move. It's like he's not breathing. If you yell as loud as you can, he won't move a muscle. And

sometimes he'll pick up his arm just to make sure he can still move. But yeah, the tickling of the feet is really just the only way to get him up. Do you think you should put one of those, like an EKG

on him so that you know that he's not dead? Wasn't there a picture of me? Yeah, I sent in a picture. He slept through maybe the worst nosebleed I've ever seen. And there's just blood everywhere all over. Oh my god!

Yeah, all over the pillow, all over his face. It's like a horror movie! It really is. Oh, my God. Yeah, all over the pillow, all over his face. It's like a horror movie. It really is. Oh, dear sweet Lord. Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about all of this when we come back in just a minute. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen?

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Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made in, made in. The Rohan duck, made in, made in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot.

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Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. Declan, there are clear parallels between our 14-year-old selves, the one you currently inhabit and the one that I used to inhabit. and undeviating my septum and cultivating a Felix Unger-like existence of precocious maturity. But the difference between the two of us was that I was and still am an only child, whereas you have a brother, which deranges your life in a way that is hard for me to appreciate. I don't know what it would be like to be a weird, precocious, pretentious man-child in a world where there was an 18-year-old behemoth sleeping on the other side of the bed.

Or the other side of the wall, I should say. I have to say you're handling it very ab, and very touchingly, I think, to everyone here who is listening. First thing, though, first ruling right out the bat, that alarm clock is going into the garbage. In fact, I would like... Is it nearby? It's in my room.

I can get it if you want. Taryn, go get it if you want. Taryn, go get it. All right. Now, while Taryn is gone, I want you to feel what this is like, Declan. Just a couple of weird-only children talking. No one yelling in the background. No one trying to run you down or say that you're a weirdo. No one's feet to tickle.

This is what the next four years are going to be like in this household. Just you and your weird older roommates who are your parents. That's what you're going to have to get used to. Oh, you're back. Are you back? Okay. Taryn, I want you to smash that thing right now. Okay.

We don't have a hammer in my room. There's a tripod. Oh, yeah, a tripod. It's not breaking. Keep going. Okay. Watch out for your phone. I mean, I could just leave it unplugged.

Yeah, that works. Oh, yeah, you chipped it a little. That doesn't work. That's pretty insufficient. Oh, okay, it doesn't work? I guess we should keep... That's pretty strong. I mean, that's a pretty strong device.

I imagine that now that I think about it, of course it's designed not to be smashed. That's the first thing someone's ever going to do it. This is the first time they use it. Declan. Who's doing it? Who's doing the smashing? Decl This is the first time they use it. Who's doing it? Who's doing the smashing? Declan is.

Yeah, I got it. Yeah. That thing probably costs a lot of money. No, it only costs like $20. Yeah, I'm sure Declan probably has the receipt in his files. I used it on a very popular rainforest. All right. You can stop that, and I'll look forward to the lawsuit from your parents for all of these things in the future.

Taryn, I want you to notice what just happened there. I ordered you to do something. You failed. Declan stepped in without being asked and succeeded. You're 18 years old. You don't need your younger brother to wake you up anymore. What you're doing in your life is normal. Staying up all night, sleeping through nosebleeds, sleeping till noon, one o'clock PM.

This is totally normal for an 18 year old to do. I did it. Even, well, I'm weird in a lot of different ways. It's not merely that you are, you are a calorie consuming machine that is going through massive, still massive growth and change, but also it's, you are, you are purposefully isolating yourself from the people around you, even on an unconscious level, because you are preparing to shove off. You are staying up, you are seeking solitude at night and in sleep because you are preparing to shove off for your future at Emerson College in Boston, Massachusetts, and to shed all of those dumb, empty husks of humans that once were your friends for the new creatures that you are going to meet,

that once were your friends for the new creatures that you are going to meet, who are going to meet the new you. And while that sounds sociopathic, it is no more sociopathic than every other 18 year old who's preparing to leave home. It is normal. And you're a grownup. You should not have to rely on your brother to wake you up. It is not correct for you to ask him to do that.

You have to figure out a way. I just smashed my alarm clock. He just smashed my alarm clock. I know that's the last thing he's going to do for you because Declan, you are, you are a, you are a very good brother and father and mother to Taryn. Yes. But you only have one more summer together before the reality,

the reality that exists now becomes unavoidable, which is that he is an adult who is beginning his own life. All parents have to face this. He's got to start understanding what it's like to be alone in a place where no one's looking out for him but himself. When he sleeps late, he's got to feel that absence that was previously filled by your tickling fingers so that he can train himself for the loneliness that is going to overcome him those first few months of college

before he replaces you and everyone else he knows with new, better people. Don't worry, Declan. He's never really going to replace you. I was just joking. Yeah, I know. I won't let it happen. I won't let it happen.

And you need to prepare yourself and give yourself a little bit of training for what it's going to be like when he's gone and how that's going to change your life in your house. And in this one area, I think this is a good place to start that training for Declan, excuse me, for Taryn to sleep and no one to wake him up, and for you to not worry about him and let him be an adult and let him sleep as long as he's going to do. I would venture to bet that his behavior changes to some degree once he unconsciously feels the loneliness of your not being there to tickle him,

which, by the way, is weird, so don't do it anymore. Okay. And similarly, that alarm clock is a crutch that Taron has to get past in order to start organizing an appropriate sleep schedule for himself. But even worse, it's a crutch that he's not using. It is a crutch that is not helping him, but is just annoying everyone else in the house. And that is why it had to be smashed. Please explain that to your mom and dad when they come into the room and see the guts of that machine all over the place. And you say, Judge John Odgman told

me to smash my alarm clock and join the circus and send in Percocet. I'm not entirely sure of any of the operating mechanisms. I think he just smashed the panel. No, I think all the wires are in. Whatever, we'll figure this out later. Guys, guys, guys, for the purpose of podcasting, it got smashed. Do you understand? Let's showbiz.

He just ripped the guts out, like in a cartoon. Yeah, yeah. You'll understand when you take your film writing class or your podcast writing class. It's probably burning up the charts there at Emerson writing for podcasts. Yeah. New media. And so I am finding,

I guess, in Taryn's favor in the sense that Declan is not going to be so mean or nudgy or tickly by waking him up. Cause Declan, you're not going to do anything. Declan,

you're going to let that guy just, you're going to let that, that whole thing just sort itself out and you're going to do your own thing. You're not going to worry about whether he's going to oversleep at Emerson because when that happens, you won't be there to fix it. And he will fix it. Once he's the only one who can fix it, he will fix it. It's just natural. Your brother's not going to fail. And he's not going to stop loving you and you're not going to stop loving him.

He's going to be fine. Just let him go off and do it. And you got to focus on whatever weird emotional turmoil you're going to go through once he's gone. And you guys, I think once you guys stop worrying about this waking up. while your brother is chasing solitude by saying up all night and sleeping as late as possible is that you're trying not to squander the few hours that you have left before he goes. But I think that the hours that, that you do have together over the course of the summer where Taryn is well rested and awakened under his own steam and you have cultivated your own garden Voltaire reference, by pulling fiddleheads and ramps out of the garden to cook into a weird salad all your own, when you are awake together, the hours will be both well and better spent.

And you're going to have an awesome summer worrying less about things because that's what summer truly is for. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Taryn, how are you feeling? I'm feeling, I'm feeling just fine. I, you know, I didn't, I thought maybe Declan would get a better deal than he got. I mean, he's not like crying or anything. He's not kicking and screaming.

I just, I guess coming into this, I didn't feel like I'd win. I just seemed like the grumpy teenager and nobody likes that guy. Declan, how about you? How are you feeling? I actually feel really great about the decision. You loved smashing that clock. There was a look of glee. But yeah, I felt, I feel like he had some really good points that I hadn't thought about. And now I'm glad that he has opened the light for me. Not really open. You can't open a light.

Open a door. Open the door. That's the word I was looking for. Door. He opened the door for me. You boys are so cute. I have giant dimples. People say

we used to look like little cherubs. We did. That was a long time ago. Taryn, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. It was a pleasure to have you. Hey, you guys, before you go, let's just walk these guys out to the theme

song from The Odd Couple, shall we? You guys know it, right? Yes. Wait, wait, wait. Do the bass part first. We can't all do the bass part. You guys got to come in with the melody. That's the point. All right. Congratulations.

There are lyrics. There are lyrics. Next time, you know what I want you to do? One project for the summer is I want you to look up and learn the lyrics for that. Record it along with the squawk from your parrot. Send it in and we'll play it on the thing. Goodbye. Okay. Goodbye. Hello, teachers

and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to

embrace because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-H. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky.

Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close.

Stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximum fun dot org if you need a laugh and you're on the go everywhere they go they are known as the couple they are known as the couple. They are known as the couple.

That's some of the words. I don't remember the West. I don't remember the West. I don't remember the rest. I, um, I have to say, I had no idea that there were words. Maybe you're just making them up. No, no, no, there are words. Ken Plume of the great site called fred.com and a bit of a chat was telling me about it,

and there were words. And the reason for there being words is obscure. I think that there was a licensing or copyright issue where the song had to have lyrics in order to copyright it in a certain area or something like that. I don't know what it was. There were lyrics to a lot of theme songs

that you didn't know about. I know the Star Trek theme song has lyrics, and I always assumed that it was because the person who created the show uh in that case in the case of star trek gene roddenberry uh wanted to get publishing on the song and he could get publishing on the song if he was the co-writer of the song which because he didn't have musical talent he could do if he simply wrote lyrics that weren't used in the arrangement. Yeah, I may be making up my rationale for it. Maybe Sammy Kahn and Neil Hefti simply wanted

to include the lines, their habits I confess, none can guess with the couple. If one says no, it's yes, more or less with the couple. But they're laugh-provoking. Yet they really don't know they're joking. And then it goes on. But we'll hear it when those two kids sing it for us. Beyond the rim of the starlight, Our love is wandering in star flight. Is that the words?

That's how it goes. Tenacious D used to sing that in their concerts. In the very early days of Tenacious D, they would often sing. Their big covers were that and the Queen's theme from Flash Gordon. Flash! Ah! Save your world and universe! That's a great song. He'll save every one of us! Okay, here's something from Dan.

I like to work on creative projects for fun. My latest is reinterpretations of the fart joke. creative projects for fun. My latest is reinterpretations of the fart joke. For my first part of this, I posted a fart joke a day from a joke book on a popular social media site. The jokes were very bad, but I believe the repetition made it funny.

For my current project, I purchased a custom stamp that says fart in large red letters. When I go out in the world, I will stamp it on paper items that I come across. My wife hates my... Whoa, this is an adult with a wife? My wife hates my fart projects and asks that I stop.

I think I'm bringing joy to others and not harming anyone. Am I allowed to continue my current project and perhaps additional fart projects in the future? Or should I listen to my wife? When does he describe his creative projects? I am just so caught up on the fact that someone married him. Yeah, he should feel pretty lucky. Here's the thing, sir. I'm glad you're amusing yourself with your, what was it, a Twitter account that simply repeated jokes from a fart joke book?

that simply repeated jokes from a fart joke book. And then also you stamping things, stamping the word fart on things that don't belong to you. But that's not creative. That's plagiarism and vandalism, respectively. And it isn't that it couldn't be construed as part of remix culture, where you're taking an existing thing and putting it into a different context. And it's something that I believe very strongly in. I was just singing the lyrics from The Odd Couple, which I hope people found in context beautiful and funny.

But on its own, it's just me singing a song, right? But that said, there's not a lot of creative, like, you know, you remember that, Jesse, you remember the Twitter account Horse Ebooks or whatever? Yeah, sure. Yeah, well, not for long will anyone else remember it. Because it's just not a thing. It's not, you're really, you know, making a thing out of nothing is different from making a thing out of a thing. And that's not to disparage making a thing out of a thing. out of a thing. And that's not to disparage making a thing out of a thing. I guess you could make an argument that your fart stamp vandalism is akin to Banksy. And I would actually believe that

argument to some degree. But insofar as it's a creative project, I just want to clarify, you're not making something out of nothing. You're making things out of other things. you're not making something out of nothing. You're making things out of other things. And that all involves farts. And there's something sophomoric about it. And I think that if your wife is embarrassed, you should take her notes very seriously. I'm not going to tell you to not do your fart art.

But I will say, take the notes of the person closest to you very seriously in this regard. And maybe push yourself a little bit further with your next fart project. You know, there's this rap lyric that goes, we don't believe you, you need more people. I just don't believe, and I would like to hear evidence from, and given his wife's reaction, I think he may not be able to provide it. hear evidence from, and given his wife's reaction, I think he may not be able to provide it, evidence that this is actually a creative project and not just him thinking he's putting one over on the world. Right, exactly. I share the same skepticism, but, you know, maybe history will judge me as a Philistine. I do think the, I'm looking at a picture that he submitted of the really stinky fart jokes book and the fart stamp.

And the fart stamp, which is just a classic self-inking stamp that says fart in red capital letters. I do think that the idea of someone working at a desk job and stamping various papers with that fart stamp, that's actually pretty funny to me, as I think about it in my head. Yes, but that's something that you're thinking about in your head. If indeed that's what's going on, I'd like to have seen that described in the monograph, describing his years-long art project. I would like to see a YouTube or Vimeo clip of that. Right.

In the style I'm imagining it. It doesn't have to be, but I'm imagining it as vaguely Brazil-like. A sort of Terry Gilliam-esque, sad, futuristic office situation. Proto-steampunk. Yeah, someone, a man sitting at an industrial 1960s desk. Frankly, not unlike the one that I have in my own office that I can see right outside the window. In fact, maybe I should be shooting this movie that I've just conceived of from whole cloth. Maybe we can factor this into our sitcom

featuring the only child brothers. You'll find in star-clustered reaches Love, strange love, a star woman teaches. Sir, if your fart project has more dimension to it than I realize, you may send me further descriptions of what you are stamping fart upon, and I will certainly revisit my rather dim assessment of your art project so far. But all I'm saying is you've got to do your thing, but think about whether maybe your

wife is right. Love, comma, strange love a star woman teaches. Jesse, I love these lyrics, but is there anything else in the docket? Yeah, here's something from Vanessa. Judge Hodgman, would you say that your journey ends never, your Star Trek will go on forever?

I wouldn't say it because they are contradictory statements. Because journey and Trek are synonyms. Vanessa writes, my husband and I have a dispute regarding allegiance to college football teams. I'm from Lincoln, Nebraska, and have always been a Nebraska Cornhuskers fan, even though I didn't attend the University of Nebraska. My husband and I met while attending graduate school at the University of Wisconsin, and he says I should support their team, the Wisconsin Badgers. He says I'm a traitor for being a Husker fan.

I disagree. I know you dislike sports, but I hope you'll resolve this for us. Well, in a situation like this, my metric is always what ruling will make the most sportsy person the most mad and disappointed. And in this case, clearly, your husband, because he's the one who is trying to force you to turn your back on your own local heritage, to support some other team, and even going so far as to say that you're a traitor for not supporting the Badgers of Wisconsin. I know you didn't go to the University of Nebraska, but you're entitled to like whatever it is you like. he should feel lucky that you care about college sports at all. You should feel lucky that you like him.

Yeah. Is this, by the way, is this the wife of the fart stamp guy? Could well be. Jesse, what do you have coming up in your life, by the way? Well, mostly just the closing weeks of shilling on this program for BoatParty.biz, which is literally the most fun you could possibly have over a four-day span.

Like, it's so insanely fun. A trip to that German Zeppelin tropical park. What was that called again? Tropical Forest? It was called Tropical Islands. Tropical Islands. It's even more fun

than going to Tropical Islands. So go to BoatParty.biz and get your tickets. Yeah. I mean, besides that, you know, I feel like, I feel like we've gotten a lot of really nice.

I've gotten a really not a lot of nice messages and some nice feedback at max fun con from folks who listened to this podcast and then checked out bullseye and Jordan, Jesse go. So I really appreciate folks who, if you're looking for a family-friendly arts and entertainment interview show, check out Bullseye. We've had some really cool guests lately.

And if you're looking for a no-holds-barred, very silly, very vulgar podcast that has a lot of swearing in it, try Jordan Jesse Go. You know, going to MaxFunCon this year and then going to Boat Party last year, I'm always impressed by the awesomeness of the people who attend these things. You know, it's one of these things where I'm as excited about the people that I meet who have paid money to watch performers as often as the performers themselves. And the Maximum Fun community is made up of a whole bunch of really interesting, curious, fun people like the two weird brothers that we just talked to and you. If you haven't had a chance to get together with any of them, it behooves you greatly to do so. And Boat Party is not only your next best chance to do it, but your best next chance to do it. I really, really cannot recommend more

highly going on the ocean waves with Todd Barry and who else, Jesse? Oh, Matt Bronger, Kyle Kinane, John Roderick, Murphy, John Roderick, Auntie Ballas, Jean Gray. Come on. And of course, Jesse Thorne, his very self, plus all of your, a lot of your favorite max fun podcasters and the truth of the matter is yeah you you know you've been checking out the max fun brand because you know that if you lock it in you're going to get good things from all those podcasts why not see for yourself what it's like to be trapped on a boat with these people for three days you're going to have a great time w come out bell just forgot to say his name yeah natasha leggero moshe kasher look you could go on for half an hour

Naming names and you're going to forget to say Awesome names of people who are there Because some of them you don't even know yet, Jesse Some of them are going to be amazing people Who are just listeners who you want to hang out with Yeah, I mean that's the thing about it It's like a fun get together Like for example, Jesse

Jason Sims of Huntsville, Alabama Who was on one of our earliest podcasts, is a guy that I never would have met in a million years except through this. And it turns out he's one of the smartest, funniest guys I've ever had the pleasure to internet and audio meet since then. And he, you may have heard him on the Sadness Tree episodes and follow-up episodes surrounding Christmas. He was on our most recent holiday episode. And we are going to do a show together at the Bottle Tree Cafe in Birmingham, Alabama this very fall,

along with a bunch of other shows that I'm going to be doing with myself alone and other people. And you can find out all about them at johnhodgman.com slash tour. I'm going to be going to Durham, North Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia, where these two weird kids are. Maybe I'll meet them, except the one of them is going to be gone at that point. Birmingham, Philadelphia, Akron, Ohio, Burlington, Vermont, Lebanon, New Hampshire, Northampton, Massachusetts, Hartford, Connecticut, the list goes on and on. And unfortunately for me, none of them are at sea. on and on. And unfortunately for me,

none of them are at sea. Thanks this week to the person who named our case, who was William Watawa. Thanks, William. Watawa. Thanks, Billy. I'm going to call him Billy. Billy Watawa.

Billy Dubs. I'm calling him Billy Dubs. Thank you, Billy Dubs. If you want to name a case in the future, just like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook and follow me and Hodgman on Facebook. Hodgman's at Hodgman and I'm at Jesse Thorne. You can also like us personally on Facebook or follow us on Facebook or I don't know, whatever else. I've got a Tum blog. You got a Tum blog. We both got Tum blogslog. You got a TumBlog. We both got TumBlogs. What's your TumBlog? JohnHodgman.com is my TumBlog. My Twitter account is at Hodgman. And my email address is Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. If you have a dispute with your older or younger brother, your sister,

your wife, your husband, your cousin, your aunt, your neighbor, your boss, your whatever other person in your life that you want to bring to the Judge John Hodgman internet radio program, just write me at hodgman at maximumfund.org. I look at all of my emails, and I respond to them all as soon as I can. And if not, you can go to maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho, and there's a simple form you can fill out there that also goes directly to me, if that matters to you. Our producer is Julia Smith. Our editor is Mark McConville. You can find us online at MaximumFun.org and discuss the show at forum.maximumfun.org. Thank you, everybody. We'll talk to you next week on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Thank you. Court is adjourned. That's my new sign-off. What do you think? This court is adjourned. Do you like it? Adjourned. No, I did like it.

No, sorry. I talked over it. Adjourned! Good one. Thanks. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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