Judge John Hodgman - What An Age We Live In

Episode Date: December 5, 2018

This week, Judge John Hodgman clears the docket in his chambers with Bailiff Jesse Thorn! They talk about the "good spot" on the couch, the phrase "cash money," cleaning cast iron pans, responsible air conditioning usage, art repurposing, and a follow up letter about kilts!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week and we are clearing the docket with me as always. Judge brother number one, Judge John Hodgman. those of you who don't remember when i did this before tim meadows one of the great deadpan comedians of all time did a thing on saturday night live years ago where he was claiming on weekend update in an interview that he was a huge fan of hockey which uh the joke being that he is an african-american person and hockey is a pretty Caucasian Canadian sport. And he said, of course I love hockey. That's why they call me Little Hockey. And I've just loved that nickname ever since. Tim Meadows, I've had the pleasure of meeting him once or twice.

Truly one of the great talents. All right, here we are. We've got a lot of justice that's stacked up. These are things that for various reasons are best handled without the litigants interrupting us. And Jesse's going to start by reading one of them, and then I'm going to judge this person. So why don't we do it? Here's something from Estelle. I promised my 13-year-old son I would submit this and adhere to your ruling. I believe that as the adult,

a tired old woman, I should have the armrest on the couch. That way I can lean against it and wonder why I ever thought I could handle being an adult. My son, an able-bodied young male, believes that he deserves that spot because it offers the best view of the TV. You can't argue with that logic. He also says that he should conserve his strength because he'll live longer than me and he wants energy left over. Our TV is 70

inches and on a full swivel mount. Holy cow. Wow, alright. That's like a power forward. So I don't buy the viewing angle argument and he dances and jumps and climbs walls all day so i don't think he's at risk of running out of energy i think he's just a naughty little boy

who likes to bother me this letter has taken many emotional twists and turns this is really a wild one first of all estelle in presenting her own case as to why she should be able to sit down refers to herself as a tired old woman please estelle you're in the prime of your life and if i were to rule in your favor it would not be because you're a tired old woman it's because you're an adult who deserves the nice chair as all adults do. And then I started to think, oh my gosh, like maybe Estelle's son has gotten into her head. Maybe he's gas littered to the point where she's like, I don't deserve to sit in a chair. I'm a tired old woman.

Is that what you're saying, Estelle's son? You're going up in your mom's face going, you're a tired old woman. Get out of here, mom. I got the 70 inch to myself and the arm rest what universe honestly estelle but then estelle comes back and starts calling her son a naughty little boy and now i'm like wait a minute this is a twilight zone episode this is like the one where billy mummy plays that kid who's got psychic powers who tortures the parents i hope estelle's son that you do not have psychic powers and you cannot send me out into

the cornfield because I am about to lay some justice down on you. Estelle, get that child, put him in front of your Bluetooth speaker right now. Hello, child. You are a monster. Let your mother have the armrest. You're bouncing off the walls. Every bone in your body is made of rubber. You don't need that armrest. You can be comfortable in any position. You don't understand that when you get to be a tired old woman like me, Judge John Hodgman,

you need to have your arm up or it starts to hurt. You get phantom pains. Give your mom the seat. Shame on you. You know what? This is a shame one. This is one where a judgment is not enough. This is open shame.

Jennifer Marmer, we got to get those shame badges printed. Send them out. Make people say I've been shamed by Judge John Hodgman or something. Put that on you. Put that on you, Estelle's son. You have to wear that to school. And also, you don't deserve an armrest. Cut off your arms.

No, that's too much. Don't cut off your arms. But sit on the floor. Let your mom relax. You can swivel that 70-incher. Jesse, I'm not wrong, am I? You're absolutely right. I'm just still hung up, frankly, on the 70-inch television.

That's a stretch four. If he can shoot the three. Yeah. It depends if he can shoot the three. Yeah. Depends if he can guard all positions, but 70 inches, holy cow. What size television do you have, or do you just have a basketball player mounted on your wall? Yeah, yeah. Donyell Marshall, former Warriors forward, Donyell Marshall. Speaking of wingspan, Donyell Marshall's one of those guys. I mean, he was like 6'7 or 6'8, but he's one of those guys who's like 6'7 or 6'8,

and he's got like a 7-foot, 2-inch wingspan. Yeah. So when he's running, like he can rest his hands on his knees. Wow. Yeah, he'd be like one of those ifs. He's like, I don't own a TV. I just have Donyell Marshall come over and tell me stories. What size TV do you have, Jesse?

What do you think is appropriate? I don't know. Maybe 45 inches or something seems big to me yeah i think that ours is a 50 incher i want you all to understand this is bought during the time when a computer company gave me money i made a living and i kind of splurged and now it's 10 years later if that made 12 and it still works very well pioneer they don't make them anymore but that 50 felt big to me and it still works very well. Pioneer, they don't make them anymore. But that 50 felt big to me, and it still feels a little bit on the edge for me.

I got to tell you, we're sort of living in the future. So if they bought this television recently, I'm often astonished when I visit my local warehouse store to stock up on frozen potstickers. Oh, my goodness. I want to do a podcast just about that. A potsticker podcast. I will wander through the electronics aisle and I will look at an enormous television and think, I guess I could afford to have a comically enormous television.

And it does have, like, especially if you are not being real careful about image quality, which I don't know, I can't tell the difference. So like you could really buy a giant television in a regular store for a significant, but not overwhelming amount of money. Like things that seem like science fiction devices are available to normal consumers in 2018. The main thing that keeps me away from it, frankly, John, is that my television also still works. So I don't know what would I do with it.

I only have one television and one place to put a television in my house. So what would I do with the old television when I got the new television? I would feel profligate. Yeah, the two of us are suffering with these good investments of televisions that have worked for more than a decade.

What happened to planned obsolescence in this economy? Come on i gotta get the new cadillac it's got fins but i have a new favorite image and that is the image of jesse thorn let's talk about wingspan this is a tall gentleman a stately person with a beautiful beard and beautiful eyes i dare say jesse oh thank you john walking contemplatively through a warehouse store with a beautiful beard and beautiful eyes. I dare say, Jesse. Oh, thank you, John. Walking contemplatively through a warehouse store with a shopping basket full to the brim with frozen potstickers. Stopping and pausing for a moment to meditate upon the giant TVs and just saying to himself,

what an age we live in. And then moving on. That's a short film. I would win an Oscar. I'd share it with you. Here's something from James. My girlfriend and I have an ongoing dispute over the terminology I use for physical money. She's more than willing to call it cash or money and be on her merry way.

However, I am the classic scenario. What a rapscallion she is. As they say on Stop Podcasting Yourself, well, off I go. However, I insist on calling it cash money. This nicely implies the immediacy of its value, both financially and especially physically. Paying for a meal with a debit card or credit card, that's money. Paying with cash and coin, that's cash money. Please tell my girlfriend she needs to understand and accept my sound logic. That could just be from now on all dudes who write

in to Judge John Hodgman, we can just replace their question with, please tell my girlfriend she needs to understand and accept my sound logic. For anyone who is, this is maybe their first episode of Judge John Hodgman. This is a podcast that has now been going on for nigh on nine years. And we mostly discuss Golden State Warriors four words from 10 years ago. That is a recurring motif as well. We have built up a vocabulary of jokes, references, and an ethical vocabulary. I do not like to engage in stereotypes, but I will say that we have over the years collected a lot of data. We have a lot of data points. And if you put it on the scatter

graph, there's a very high correlation of men in heterosexual partnerships, romantic partnerships, and dumb unnecessary systems for doing chores or using language that they're attempting to force on their spouse. This is a combo of both a dude new system, which is not necessary. Cash is a perfectly appropriate way to speak about cash. But this is an extra bonus with a delicious topping of insufferable affectation. Cash money. I don't need your jazzy lingo, dude.

I don't need your system or your jazzy lingo. Shame on you. Shame. Another shaming. Gotta get those badges made, Jennifer Marmer. Shame badges, right? We'll get them made one of these days. Well, you know what?

They'll never be sold. I'll keep them here. And only occasionally when someone needs to be shamed, I'll send it out there. Stop it. Stop it. Just use words. Cash. Cash means cash. That's all you need to say. Money does not mean cash. Money can mean both virtual and cash. I almost said it. I almost

said cash money. Oh, we got to get out of this one immediately. Jesse Thornton, do you have any recommendation of punishment? I want to recommend a carve out. Okay. It's for hip-hop performers on stage who are performing the classic call-and-response, cash, money, money, money, cash, money, money. Yeah, I know why James wants to say it, because it sounds fun and cool, and he's making a reference to a thing. But he's not doing a rap call and response with his girlfriend when they're paying for cronuts or whatever. Stop it, James. Carve out accepted though, Jesse. As for your punishment, James, open your wallet and give all of your cash to your girlfriend. That's damages. And call it,

here's cash. And say, sorry, I'm quirky. Can I still tell like a vendor I'm negotiating with at the flea market that I'll give him $40 cash on the barrel head? I was just going to say, that's what James wants to do next, right? Cash on the barrel head. Although cash on the barrel head is better, I think. Yeah, it's fun. That's funny. Plus, you always carry around your own barrel.

So it's accurate. Yeah, it's fun. That's funny. Plus, you always carry around your own barrel, so it's accurate. Yeah. Well, ever since the Great Depression, it's all I've had to wear. New image I have. It's Jesse Thorne, tall, contemplative, handsome man,

walking through a flea market. Every couple of steps, he's got to push his barrel ahead of him. Got to lift it up. Punk. Punk. Punk. And then looking at a bunch of tie clips going, what an age we live in. Every couple of steps, he's got to push his barrel ahead of him. Got to lift it up. Punk, punk, punk. And then looking at a bunch of tie clips going, what an age we live in.

Take us to the break, Jesse. Just trying to get at that Donkey Kong. Let's take a quick break. More items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support

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Rules and restrictions apply. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. This week, we are clearing the docket and we have something here from Susan. In our house, I do the cooking and my husband does the dishes. This works out well until I use the cast iron skillet. He prefers to wash the skillet with soap and water. He would also scrub it if I let him. He asserts that the person doing the dishes gets to clean them how he or she sees fit. And if I wanted it cleaned a certain way, I can do it myself. I say he should never use soap or scrub cast iron.

This is common knowledge. He should follow recommended procedures while doing dishes. I would like the judge to order him to wash cast iron the correct way. Wow. I don't know. I don't think a shame badge is enough. I think we need to get a shame jumpsuit. All right.

I don't know if I can deal with this. Jesse, tell this guy why he's wrong. I use cast iron every day. Yeah. And I have to say that I am not the cast iron purist that you are. I trust Kenji Lopez-Alt, who did some testing and found that occasionally using a bit of soap or a scrubber on your cast iron will not de-season it. So I guess my question is, is he using like a Brillo pad or is he using a plastic bristle brush? Because,

you know, a softer brush can do essentially what you are trying to do when you clean cast iron, which is basically just remove the foreign substances in there. You know, there'll be a little frond in there and you got to wash it out. And I think it is perfectly reasonable to occasionally use soap if you need to. is perfectly reasonable to occasionally use soap if you need to. You don't usually need to. And there is a reason that he is wrong about her washing it at the time she uses it, which is that because cast iron retains so much heat,

while you can kind of rinse it out when it's just been used, it's pretty hard to thoroughly clean it just because it will stay hot for quite a while. So are you saying that this guy's OK? I'm out here on my own on this one. I'm saying it's possible he's OK. Like if he's using, you know, the back of a scrubbing sponge and really going to town in there and taking the seasoning off, then of course he's wrong. But if this is a matter of taking one of those Scandinavian home goods stores, plastic soft bristle brushes and brushing out the inside and maybe putting a tiny bit of soap on the brush to get rid of excess grease, then I think that he is probably not actually affecting the seasoning and it's perfectly fine. All right. Well, let me say this.

Bailiff Jesse, you are correct. It is not that he is necessarily doing something wrong. We just don't know how wrong he is. And you can appreciate why I'm suspicious. Folks, the reason that I say this, if you cook with cast iron, and we're talking about traditional, the oldest extant company in the United States called Lodge. And they make fine cast iron pans. There are a lot of new boutique cast iron pan companies out there like Finex and Field Company, which I love.

Field Company, sponsor us. Who are, Field Company in particular is making cast iron pans in an older style. Much like the antique Griswold pans that I covet when I find them in a barn or a flea market. And that is to say that they are hard molded, not sand molded. So the texture is much smoother and the iron itself is much thinner and less heavy. Love them. When you cook with cast iron, things you need to know are these. One, we've discussed this on the show before, but this one is for new listeners and people who forgot what I said before.

And how dare you, by the way, don't forget. Or people who just kind of space out while we talk. Yeah, well, like me, for example. So this one's for me. One, cast iron retains heat. As Jesse says, it is not a good conductor of heat. A lot of people will say that it is a good conductor of heat. It is not.

But it gets really, really, really hot, which makes it excellent for searing, say, a steak. Or for searing, like, shaved Brussels sprouts. You can get a really good brown on those Brussels sprouts. And it is also good for, it's so versatile, I almost never use anything else. You can bake cornbread in a small cast iron skillet. That's perfect. I'll often, if I'm roasting a whole chicken, I'll just throw it in the cast iron. Because cast iron over time and through proper care builds up a seasoning, as it's called, which is a layer of polymerized oil that fills in all the microscopic little gaps in the surface of the pan, thus making it effectively non-stick.

But because that seasoning is there, and it can be damaged and rubbed off with harsh detergents and harsh treatment with a scrub brush. The received wisdom that Susan refers to here is that one should only rinse it out with hot water to preserve the seasoning, to not scrub up the seasoning, and you'd never touch a drop of soap to the pan. And that was how I treated my pans for a long time. But then Jesse Thorne, last time we spoke about this, he pointed out that J. Kenji Lopez-Alt had determined that a little bit of soap is fine. And I'll tell you what, I use a little bit of soap from time to time too.

And I use, I'm going to use a name brand here, Sponsorous Field Company, and also Dobie. I think that's an S.E. Johnson company. But the Dobie is a scrubbing sponge, but it's a very light scrubbing sponge. You know, I like to take it when it's still hot, run hot water under it. I'm using a potholder, obviously. Scrub out as much of the food material that's left over as I can with this Dobie scrubbing sponge or a light scrubbing sponge. Some people just put kosher salt in there as a mild abrasive with a paper towel to get food out.

That works beautifully. Also, it makes your pan salty. That can't go wrong. Then wash it out with hot water. Then dry it with a paper towel because you don't, even though if it's properly seasoned, it's not going to rust. But you want to make sure. And especially dry out the inside. And then you want to put a little bit,

a drop or two of oil in there just to keep the seasoning going between uses. If Susan, your husband is doing that process, then I have no quarrel with him. Or, you know, if he's brushing gently and using a mild amount of soap and then adding just a touch of oil at the end to keep the seasoning going, to make up for some of the seasoning that you have pulled off with the soap, go for it. But Susan, I don't trust that your husband is doing that because even though it is a long settled precedent in this court that the person who does the work gets to choose, he seems so combative in refusing to follow your instructions that I can only imagine he's doing it wrong. Look, if he's doing it fine, fine. But if he's doing it wrong, never let him near your cast iron pan again. And honestly, you should be cleaning

it yourself because no one cares for a cast iron pan the way the person who owns the cast iron pan does. That's it. I'm still going to throw some shame over at Susan's husband. You can write me a letter and tell me if you're following my instructions or the basic instructions that are recommended by J. Kenji Lopez-Alt. But presuming that you have done wrong, I order you to this punishment, go pound sand. No, actually- Up your nose with a rubber hose. When I say that companies like Field Company

are doing a traditional hard molded cast iron pan, the differential is that Lodge is doing a sand molded cast iron pan. The differential is that Lodge is doing a sand molded cast iron pan. And I can never remember what the difference in that technique is. And, uh, nor did I feel like looking it up today. I'm going to make you do that. Susan's husband, you go research sand molding versus permanent molding or hard molding cast iron pans, and you write me a letter explaining the difference clearly and either apologize for your mistreatment of Susan's pans or tell me you've been doing it right all along and then I'll apologize to you. Oh, love talking about cast iron pans, Jesse. I can tell.

What an age we live in. What an age. What an age we live in. What an age. Here's something from Cassandra. I bring this case against my husband. He's very particular about the amount of electricity used in our home. He'll often scold me for leaving the lights on if I leave the room for more than a few minutes. However, when we leave the house, he insists on turning on our air conditioner at full blast, even if we're going to be gone for several hours. He claims it's better to return to a nice, cool house and that we can turn it off when we get home to save money.

This is ridiculous. The money we spend running the A.C. when we're gone is bound to exceed what we would save by turning it off when we return. what we would save by turning it off when we return. I humbly request that you order my husband to either turn the air conditioner off when we leave the house or stop harassing me about forgetting to turn off the lights on occasion. Well, first of all, I think he should stop harassing you,

especially when he's committing this crime. But Jesse, you live in a hot land. Hot land California, right? Yeah, Los Angeles, or as I call it, hot land-a. And what's your air conditioning situation? Well, we have an air conditioner, central air conditioner in our attic. Are you sure it's not just Donyell Marshall with a big block of ice? I think Donyell Marshall made plenty of money in his NBA days.

He doesn't need the work. We have a big giant air conditioner, and we have a programmable thermostat like almost all people in 2018. And our thermostat is programmed to vary the temperature depending on whether we are in the house or out of the house and what time of day it is based on our general schedule. We don't have a smart thermostat. We just have a regular, you know, a home improvement store, $30 thermostat. A gentleman's sea thermostat. Yeah. Air conditioning is a genuinely significant burden on the resources of our world. Yes. It is a genuinely significant household cost. And it also teaches you not to tolerate warm weather when you live in a warm weather place.

You use more air conditioning if you have air. I mean, obviously, in a literal sense, if you have air conditioning, you use more air conditioning. But there's studies that suggest in places where there is more air conditioning, people want the environment to be cooler. Because they get used to it. Because they get used to it. Exactly. And the solution is so simple. Just get a decent thermostat. Yeah. the solution is so simple. Just get a decent thermostat. You can set it to cool down the house before you get back if that's what you're worried about. But leaving it on while you're not

there is, frankly, borderline immoral. Yeah. I mean, this is the thing. Unlike Susan and her husband, where the infraction was a little ambiguous and maybe not so bad as I initially thought. But the behavior surrounding the infraction, the imperiousness of saying, I'll wash it the way I want, not the way you asked me to. Because after all, helping is helping in the way you are asked to help, not in the way you want to help. That, to me, was the true crime. Here we have two true crimes. This has just become a true crime podcast, so welcome to number one in the charts, Jesse,

because we've got two true crimes here. One, the obvious and truly, like I've used the word shame quite a bit in this podcast, but the truly shameful waste of electricity and resources that are being described here. You know what? Three true crimes here, right? Because two, there is also the illogic of running the air conditioner for hours without a human being in there to be cooled and then claiming to conserve energy by turning the lights off, which is hardly equivalent. And three, shaming Cassandra over this

completely irrational paradoxical behavior. In all three ways, Cassandra's husband, you're wrong. Unless, unless you can provide me with some hard evidence, like a meter reading, that when you air condition your way, Cassandra's husband, leaving it on for hours when there was no one there to enjoy it, then coming home and turning it off, actually saves electricity rather than using it when you're in the house, I would have to concede that science is real. But I don't think that your meter reading will show that.

I'm fairly confident that the best way to use your air conditioning, the most responsible way, is to use it mildly when absolutely necessary and when you are there to enjoy it. And there's no reason that you couldn't turn on that air conditioner when you got home, get the house cold, and then turn it off again and enjoy your after effect in the same way and save much, much more energy than what you're proposing. So, yeah, what Jesse is describing is truly common. A programmable thermostat is one solution that is a million times better and more responsible than what you're doing.

You could get a smart thermostat if you want one of those nerds hanging around those bookish thermostats. There are also a bunch of aftermarket devices that I happen to look at that, well, even if you have just a wall air conditioning unit, if it has a remote, a remote control, an infrared remote control, and most of them do these days, you can buy an aftermarket device that will talk to that remote control via Wi-Fi. So in other words,

you could turn on your air conditioner half an hour before you get home and or program a routine that makes sense for your day. And if you have an old air conditioner that doesn't have a remote and isn't central air conditioning and isn't hooked up to your thermostat

or anything else, if it's within your means, I would suggest that you upgrade to a more, probably a much more energy efficient model anyway. So there you go. Shame on you. Another shame. Shame badges all around.

And my punishment is that, I don't want to punish Cassandra. What I want is for him to have to sleep with the lights on and the air conditioner off and the lights on for three full nights while Cassandra goes and takes a weekend away with some friends. This is really Byzantine, John. Look, you know, I fear sometimes that my verdicts are taken lightly or are not adhered to. Perhaps I am not punitive enough. You know, this guy isn't going to do anything I order him to do anyway.

He's a sociopath. Look at what he's doing with the air conditioner. What an age we live in. What an age. This guy's walking around his house in a sweater in July. He's turning on the air conditioner as he leaves the house. It's backwards. Look, we all live in the modern age. We're all contributing to the death of the ecosystem in which we live in. We don't have to be flagrant about it. What an age we live in.

Hmm. Let's take a quick break. When we come back, we'll hear about art etiquette and also kilts. back. We'll hear about art etiquette and also kilts. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory.

The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm.

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If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket this week. We've got something here from Todd. I'm an artist and I mostly paint abstract works. I love finding paintings at flea markets, the dump, or yard sales to paint over. My 12-year-old daughter, Isla, is also an artist. She thinks painting over someone else's art is a bad idea and it's disrespectful to that artist and to art itself. She wishes that the

court order I use only new canvas to make new work. Hmm, this is interesting. Another child-parent dispute. All right, let's keep things consistent. Todd, please get Isla and put her in front of your Bluetooth speaker. Hello, Isla. I'm Judge Sean Hodgman. It's possible your name is Ayla.

Forgive me if we've misread your name. Also, Todd should have sent in pictures of his art so I could determine whether or not it's good or bad. But even if it's terrible, I will say this. Shame on you, Ayla. Sorry, Ayla. Sorry, 12-year-old person. Sorry to shame you. I'm sorry to shame a child. But while your instinct is ethical and empathetic, that perhaps an artist who gave up their work to a flea market might feel sad that Todd is painting all of his junk all over it, that is a fair exploration of art.

Art is often collage. Use of found art and manipulation of found art is part of art. Art is not always kind. It is occasionally transgressive. And you will learn this when Todd takes one of your paintings and defaces it. No, I hope you... Todd, I order you to never do that. Respect Isla Ayla's sensitivity. You may continue to do your art, Todd. Isla Ayla, you may continue to do your art. And Ayla, Isla, for mispronouncing your name, I apologize. And for bringing shame upon you, I offer this compensation. You can Sharpie over

any of Todd's art at any time what's good for the todd is good for the isla just paint all over his stuff it'd be fun you can do it together i have to say john i was thinking of there are two paintings in our office here or in in my part of our office just outside the studio where i'm recording from they're're both by an artist named Josh Dorman, who is also a MaxFun supporter and listener. Thanks, Josh. I know. And one of them is a small one that he was kind enough to send. And one of them is a beautiful large one that my wife bought me as a wedding gift.

And Josh creates sort of imaginary worlds by painting, drawing, and also recontextualizing imagery from 19th century books and other ephemeral sources. And the transformation of imagery is an important artistic mode that one would not be able to pursue if you had ruled otherwise, John. And I think it's an essential part of art to create new things from the old. And I also think that the artist no longer controls their work once it passes from their possession. That's part of the contract of being an artist. It's a difficult part in some cases, but it's part of what you do. You give it to the world and then the world does with it as it sees fit. And that could include transformational work like Todd is doing. Yeah, that's, for example, why I bought the original Mona Lisa, which, of course, was stolen from the Louvre years ago.

I bought it on the black market last year and I burned it. But you'll always have those ashes, John. That's my work of art. I've got a Mona Lisa urn. Anyway, check out Josh's paintings at joshdorman.net. I will check out. How do you spell Dorman? Because I was looking for it while you spoke. D-O-R-M-A-N.

joshdorman.net. And Todd and Ayla slash Ayla, if you would like to send in some samples of your respective artworks, we would love to feature them on our show page at MaximumFun.org or and and or and and on our Instagram page at Instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We like art. Judge Hodgman, we received a letter from Josh about a swift justice dispute that you and guest bailiff Maeve Higgins adjudicated at the end of the episode Nine Tenths of the Law. Do you remember this question? Was this surrounding the issue of whether a kilt is round? Yes.

Does a kilt count as being round? Specifically in the game Scattergories, your answer was that no, kilts are not round. And this is what Josh had to say. Your ruling is correct, but perhaps for reasons you did not know. kilt, traditionally worn in the highlands of old, was actually composed of one large piece of fabric that was wound about the body, secured at the waist with a belt, looped over the torso, and held in place with a kilt pin. So essentially, the shape of a kilt is flat, like a blanket. And he refers us to the Wikipedia entry on belted plaid, which you can find by searching for belted plaid on Wikipedia. Thank you, as always, for your wisdom, says Josh.

And you know what? I say it, too. Thank you, as always, for your wisdom, John. Well, thank you for your wisdom, Bailiff Jesse Thorne. And thank you for writing in, Josh. I had not known of the belted plaid or the great kilt. I guess I only knew about the good kilts, but this great kilt is pretty interesting. I'm looking at the Wikipedia page right now, and guess how big it is, Jesse? How big?

70 inches. 70 inches wide. Wow. That's like one Donyell Marshall. Yeah, that's right. That's how they measured it out. You know Donyell Marshall is a Highlander, right? He's hundreds and hundreds of thousands of years old,

and his height has been used to measure all sorts of things, from TVs to great kilts. Thank you for your service, Donyell Marshall. And also, thanks for your basketball. Did you say thanks for basketball? I said thank you for your basketball. Did you say thanks for basketball? I said thank you for your basketball. Meaning, I guess, your skill at basketball and the

entertainment you have brought to many. But also, I guess I could be thanking him for bringing the... Does he bring the basketball to the games? That's part of the swing forward's job. If you're just a power forward like carl malone you don't have to bring a basketball if you're just a small forward like chris mullen you don't have to bring

a basketball but if you can cover the three and the four then you do have to bring the basketballs to the game well i say again thank you for your basketball has it ever happened in sports that the team show up and none of them brought up basketball? I'm going to find out. I'm going to find out the sports. Certainly not in today's fast and flexible NBA game where the ability to cover multiple defensive positions is a must. You're going to want some long wings who can shoot the tray.

Words. Okay, I believe you. Well, you're going to want some long wings who can shoot the tray. Words. Okay. I believe you. The docket is officially clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman.

Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO, and check out the Maximum Fund subreddit to discuss this episode. Submit your cases at MaximumFund.org slash JJHO or email Hodgman at MaximumFund.org. We will see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. MaximumFund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.