Judge John Hodgman - You Can't Stop Justice

Episode Date: January 13, 2021

It's our 500th episode! Judge Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse discuss skipping TV intros, accidentally finding jewelry, an appeal about distaste for fruit, buy nothing groups on Facebook, and the premiere of a new mashup track called "Nub Court!" Plus we hear from the litigants from our first ever case on Jordan, Jesse, Go! "Is Chili a Soup?" and the brothers from Episode 165: Wake Me Up Before You Go Bro!LINKS DISCUSSED IN THE EPISODE:Buy Justin and Sydnee McElroy's book, The Sawbones Book: The Hilarious, Horrifying Road to Modern Medicine at bit.ly/SAWBONESEverybody Has a Podcast (Except You) by Justin, Travis and Griffin McElroy! Available for pre-order now!The Coalition for Good Governance, the organization where Taran from WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO BRO worksThe mashup track, "Nub Court," by Soundcloud user Artephius

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket. And with me, the always auspicious, but particularly auspicious on this episode, Judge John Hodgman. Sorry, Jesse, did you introduce me? Yes, I did. I'm sorry. I was looking at the Judge John Hodgman Wikipedia page.

me? Yes, I did. I'm sorry. I was looking at the Judge John Hodgman Wikipedia page. And I was noticing that according to the Judge John Hodgman Wikipedia page, the number of Judge John Hodgman episodes is 495. Come on, Wikipedia editors. It's not $495 because as of today $500 $500 $500 $500 $500 $500

$500 $500 $500 $500 $500 $500 $500 $500

$500 $500 $500 $500 $500 $500 $500 $500

$500 $500 $500 $500 $500 $500 $500 $500

$500 $500 $500 Jesse Thorne we have been doing this podcast you and me together and then for a big chunk of it of course with Jennifer Marmer

another big chunk of it with Julia Smith other chunks of it with our friends Mark McConville Matt Gourley as well as Joel Mann here in Maine at WERU Hannah Hannah Smith

a whole Monty Belmonte, Summertime Funtime Guest Bailiff Monty Belmonte, Jean Gray so many other great guest bailiffs over the years so many great litigants we blew by our 10th anniversary which I guess was November of 2020 guest bailiffs over the years, so many great litigants. We blew by our 10th anniversary, which I guess was November of 2020, the year that I'm glad is over. Now here we are in the middle of January 2021, dropping our 500th episode. We're going to make a, listen everybody,

we're going to make a big deal of this. We're going to have – I don't even know what we're going to have. A cavalcade of stars, right, Jesse? Yeah, that was the plan. I mean, the plan was, you know, we had Richard Kind lined up. We had the late, great Buster Keaton. Yeah, that's right. I forgot about that. David Kwong, the magician,

who is an actual sorcerer, was going to raise Buster Keaton from the dead. Kate Smith was going to sing God Bless America. Was it going to be all dead people but Richard Kind? Richard Kind is so consumed, in fact, overflowing with joie de vivre. Yeah. That I think his vivre could, and viven, even the deadest of doornails.

That's the problem with Richard Kind, because he is so full of life. And folks, if you don't know who Richard Kind is, you're wrong. You do know who he is. One of the great character actors of movies and television. You've seen him in a bunch of things. Check him out in a serious role in A Serious Man, the Coen Brothers movie. Also check him out in the wonderful Red Oaks. The Amazon show with Ennis Esmer

and Jennifer Grey and Richard Kind and Paul Reiser and yours truly, John Hodgman in an impressive three episode arc as the manager of the cable television station. Watched that show with my wife. Enjoyed it very much. Yeah, Richard Kind. Boy, that was you know, I didn't know this was going to be the Richard Kahn Memorial

episode. I thought this was going to be about us and our 500th episode. But I'll tell you, when I was on set on Red Oaks hanging around with Richard Kahn and Jennifer Grey and all the incredible actors in that show, I made a joke, and Richard Kahn laughed, and it was one of the greatest moments of my life. I mean, he's very generous with his laughter, but he laughed so hard, and he slammed his hand, palm down on the table in delight.

And I'm like, that's it, I'm done. I'm done. It's the summer of 2016. Nothing bad is going to happen this fall because Richard Kind laughed at my joke. And you know what? Nothing will ever get better because Richard Kind laughed at my joke. I'm going to quit my podcast and go away forever into the woods of Maine. But I had a commitment to my friend Jesse Thorne, to my friends, you, the listeners, and the litigants.

You can't stop the podcast. You can't stop justice. No, it's a runaway train. Yeah. And it turns out things did get worse. It also turns out things are getting a little bit better. Cautiously optimistic new year to you all. Happy 500th episode, Jesse Thorne. You know what my new year's resolution was? What's that? Make 500 episodes of a podcast. Done.

Done, it's not even February. Wow. Yeah. Well, let's quit while we're behind. I just want to say I have some presents that I, some 500th episode presents that I've mailed to you all. I hope they arrive before the end of the podcast. Let me know if they do. Have we addressed the fact that we got each other the same Christmas present without coordinating?

I think we mentioned it last time, and that was going to be what I was – yeah. We got each other like basically 500 Itzits, the famous ice cream sandwich from San Francisco that you had mentioned on the podcast. I mailed you a bumper box of Itzits, and I think you mailediled you a bumper box of Itzits. And I think you mailed me a double bumper box of Itzits. I think there were literally 500 Itzits. I got you the variety pack. Yeah. We have a second, I mean, this is where I am in my midlife.

I have a second refrigerator in the garage. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. That feels good, doesn't it? Yeah. It's just like, well, I have that extra space to freeze or chill a thing. But now, you know, the freezer drawer in the second refrigerator is full of it's its. Yeah.

It's a frozen cornucopia. I could put my arm in there elbow deep and pull out an it's it that I didn't even know they made. Ginger? Yeah. You might put your arm in there. You might pull out a pumpkin it's it, a cappuccino it's it, a strawberry it's it. You might put your arm in there, John, and pull out a chips it, which is an it's it with a chocolate chip cookie instead of an oatmeal cookie. It's a riff on the classic chip which. Yeah.

Well. No, it's a riff. I would say it's a riff on the classic chip which yeah well no it's a rich i would say it's a riff on the classic it's it but go ahead i don't want to i don't you know of course i i i'm sorry just it's spoiled now but uh i did get you another 500 it's it's joel man i sent you 500 gallons of scallops thank you you're welcome and jennifer marmer i sent you 500 gallons of scallops. Thank you. You're welcome. And Jennifer Marmer, I sent you 500 tuna fish bagel sandwiches, your favorite sandwich. Thank you very much. Well, let's get into some justice, John. Here's something from Robbie. He says, I bring this case against my brother, Daniel.

I live with Daniel and his wife. Daniel and I are both students, so we end up spending a lot of time at home together. In our house, we have several shows we watch together on our TV, including The Great British Bake Off and Kim's Convenience. Daniel thought it was funny to skip the intros to these shows, even though they're quite short and lovely. I think this is something only a monster would do. It started as a joke, but now it is his default when watching.

My sister-in-law also finds this annoying. I will note he will not skip intros for shows like Bob's Burgers, which contain new jokes each episode in the intro. I asked the court for an injunction that Daniel not be able to skip through these lovely little short intros. I recorded a voice for Bob's Burgers,

a guest voice, and I got recast. That's all I'm going to say. Move on. Let's move on. You soured me. You soured me, Robbie. You made me remember something that hurt. It's like not being on Archer for you, Jesse. That's how bad I feel about it.

Got recast. Yeah. You know, I was one of two people who got recast in our guest voices you know who the other one was it's made me feel a little bit better Emo Phillips I was going to guess Richard Kind Richard Kind no oh this is what I was going to say about Richard Kind Richard Kind is so full of life

that he can't walk by cemeteries or else the dead rise again he's so full of life that he can't walk by cemeteries or else the dead rise again. He's so full of life that Draculas kneel before him. Yeah. I think he's mankind's greatest hope against the Draculas. That's exactly right. Okay. Robbie, I'm in a better mood now because I thought of Richard Kind instead of that completely understandable and reasonable professional setback.

Bob's Burgers is a great show. Love it. Love everyone involved. Now, this thing about skipping intros, this was new to me as of a year or so ago. I noticed the nearing adult human man who lives in our house with us, skipping the intros on all of the shows that he binges. And I found it really disorienting. But I think that that might be a generational thing.

I think it may be very common for young people to skip the intros. But as Robbie points out, Netflix and other streaming services have an option so you can skip the theme song. Jesse, do you ever do this? Is there a show you're binging and do you have a binge protocol? I don't binge. I watch episodes one at a time. Right. I don't.

It's been years since I've had the time on my hands to watch more than one television show episode at once. I don't even have time to watch a movie. Right. Much less three episodes in a row of Narcos or whatever. I will say I don't generally skip the intro, although I have no moral objection to it, except in one case. Which is? Which is Cheers. Anyone who skips the intro

to cheers is a horrible monster uh besides that i mean i'd be you know you want to catch that blackboard joke and in an intro of the simpsons or whatever uh certainly there's a charming little bits and bobs you wouldn't want to miss in the intro of bob's burgers but if you're skipping the intro of the great british breaking show i you're skipping the intro of the Great British Breaking Show, I don't care. That's fine. That's your choice. But if you skip the introduction to Cheers,

why even bother watching television? Yeah. It is a relic of a time when shows had real theme songs that lasted for more than a sec. that lasted for more than a sec. And the intro was part of the building of the vibe to the show. Well, the introduction, particularly in a sitcom, has a very specific role in the show.

And that's why so many of those old sitcom themes basically have lyrics that establish the premise of the show it's because that intro segment that opening segment establishes the characters and the rules of the universe the situation right uh from which will flow the calm right my favorite theme is we're in a court a night court judge Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Judge is a magician and a scam. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. He loves Mel Torme. There's a tall guy with no hair.

And several other bailiffs. And John Larroquette. Beep, beep. And Marky Post. I think that as television viewers became more sophisticated, J.L.I.F.S. and John Larroquette. Beep, beep. And Marky Post. I think that as television viewers became more sophisticated, they found that they could establish the premise purely visually in a relatively short amount of time. And that premise establishing became more and more abstract. But if you've seen the show many times and are completely comfortable and familiar

with the premise, it's not necessary to establish the premise. It's just that there is literally no more televisually satisfying and comforting 90 seconds or whatever than the intro to Cheers. There's no better or more beautiful moment in all television history than the intro to Cheers. There's no better or more beautiful moment in all television history than the intro to Cheers. So you should just watch it whenever you can. Jennifer Marmer, listen to media historian Marshall McLuhan over here. Canadian media theorist.

I know nothing of his work. Yeah, that's right. I know something of his work. Joel, what are you binge watching? Peaky Blinders. Peaky Blinders? Yeah. That's supposed to be a good show.

It's really good. I can't understand a word they say, but it's really good. Does that have a theme song? Yeah, it does, but I skip over it. You skip it? Yeah, I don't binge watch, but I skip over each intro. Do you know the theme song? Something about a guy in a black coat with a red hand.

Can you sing it? No. All right. Peaky blinders, peaky blinders, peaky blinders, a man with a red hand. That's how it goes. Jennifer Marmer, what do you binge watch? What are you watching? We're not really binge watching a lot.

The Crown. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that intro feels skippable to me. But we don't for some reason. You let it run. See, I let it run out of cultural habit. But what Jesse is saying is correct, which is that they are archaic at this point. at this point. Not only are viewers more sophisticated

but basically people stopped making real opening sequences to shows certainly sitcoms in the 90s. Do you know what I mean? Like Friends was kind of the last one. I feel like it was Seinfeld that was basically like yeah let's just move on.

Boom ba do ba do boom go. And since then you know they want to the economics of move on. Boom, ba-doom, ba-doom, boom, go. And since then, you know, they want to – the economics of television at the time were like let's just make more room for commercial advertising. Let's not waste everybody's time. And consequently, I feel like there are very few shows that have an intro that truly merit sitting down and watching. But I will still feel an inclination to sit through them and

watch them anyway out of cultural habit. Now, I'm the greatest detective in North America, not in Central or South America. That is, of course, the territory of my great detective rival, Eric Lundroth. Look it up. I just did. And I can tell that these folks are in Canada because they called it the Great British Bake Off. In the United States, it's called the Great British Baking Show. I believe because either Pillsbury or what's the other big baking conglomerate?

When you buy a cake in a box. Betty Crocker. Oh, yeah. Betty Crocker, I think, owns the term bake-off in the United States. And Kim's Convenience is a Canadian sitcom that I had not heard of that I checked out, and it's a very charming sitcom about a Korean-Canadian family in Toronto

that's been on for a few seasons, and people like it. I'm glad to be introduced to some of you. Very sweet show. Yeah, it's a sweet show. Yeah, I've watched a few of those. Very it. I'm glad to be introduced to it. Very sweet show. Yeah, it's a sweet show. You've seen it. Yeah, I've watched a few of those. You know it?

Yeah. Very sweet. Yeah, and a very nice family sitcom. Very nice family sitcom. That's what, you know, like Canadian sitcoms are really what we need. Like this is why we have the Schitt's Creek. Nice. I immediately got the same feel off of it as Schitt's Creek where I kept waiting in Schitt's Creek for it to turn sour and mean.

But I was like, no, nice. That was such a relief, such pleasure. The intros to both of these shows are fine. Do you know what I mean? Kim's Convenience, you get to see a lot of Toronto. I enjoy that. It reminds me of travel. Great British Bake Off.

I don't know why Warbaking Show. I don't know why you would skip. British Bake Off. I don't know why Warbaking Show. I don't know why you would skip in these times even a few seconds of British Countryside and close-ups of biscuits. Why would you skip that? I want only that. More slow pans over pies and cakes. I don't even like cake. I'll watch that. So ultimately, it's a matter of taste. As with anything, you know, the big fight over whether to have subtitles or not when you're watching shows with different people. When you're, you know, watching, you know, when you want to know what the volume should be. You have to find some consensus, Robbie, Daniel and his wife.

But Daniel is the only one who wants to skip the intros and Robbie and his wife don't. And, you know, what's interesting about Canadian democracy is that majority rules. It's a weird thing they have in Canada, majority rules. So since Robbie and Daniel's wife both would prefer to watch old school and enjoy the little pause of anticipation that the intro offers, I'm going to say, Daniel, you may not skip, as Robbie puts it, these lovely little short intros. Pay homage to the great theme songs of the past and enjoy that picture of that lamb frolicking in the grass. Or the beautiful cinematography of Toronto that opens Kim's Convenience. Thanks for introducing me to that show. John, if I wrote a sitcom that was set in Toronto, you know where I would set it. It's not a convenience store.

No. Where? Skydome. 100% Skydome. It all takes place in Skydome. I don't know what Skydome is. Where? Skydome. 100% Skydome. It all takes place in Skydome. I don't know what Skydome is. Sports? Now known as the Rogers Center. Oh, right. It was the first stadium built with a retractable roof and it has a hotel inside it.

Inside the roof? Yeah, where Hall of Fame... No, not inside the roof, inside the stadium. Where Hall of Fame Blue Jays second baseman Roberto Alomar lived. Whoa. He lived in the stadium? He lived in the stadium, John. If that's not a premise for a sitcom, Bobby Alomar living in a Major League Baseball stadium with a retractable roof there in Toronto.

There's like a goofy butler, maybe. I think you could sell that in a second. That's the new sweet Canadian sitcom that we need. Yeah. Bobby Alomar, the hotel in the Sky Dome. Let's make this happen. Special guest star Dave Stieb. I don't want any stunt casting.

A picture for the Blue Jays. No, stunt casting. A picture for the Blue Jays. That's too meta. I want anti-meta. You don't want Dave Stieb to come in? No, it's fine if it's grounded in the story, but I don't want any stunt casting. I don't want any turn to cameras. I don't want any breaking of the fourth wall. I don't want any surprised guests who play themselves.

Just straight up sweet character sitcom in the canadian style i i'm commissioning it by the way i'm the head of the cbc well congratulations on that in the honor of the 500th episode 500 million loonies to you to make this thing go thank you ah. Ah, ow. Oh, ow. That's right. Sorry I sent you live loons. By the way, Jeremy, if you're listening, I know that you had a very similar conflict over this. You also sent it in. Parallel thinking, just like Newton and Leibniz with the calculus.

And I'm sorry that we didn't hear your case. You simply weren't Canadian enough. I don't know which way you were rooting in the skip or don't skip intro, but my ruling applies to your house as well. We're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's sponsors, but first an update from past

litigants. We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. My name is Vincent, and I was one of the participants in the chili versus soup debate. My stance was that chili is not a soup, but its own category of food. And I'm Ryan, and I think chili is soup. Vincent contacted me and said, Hey, we're going on a show. We need to settle this once and for all. We need some outside expertise. And it was just, it was, it was wild. Yeah, it was really interesting. I was a fan of JJ Go for a while and a Max Fund

supporter for a while. And so, and also a big John Hodgman fan and so you know it was sort of the perfect storm I never thought we would get picked but I knew the argument had legs because it had sort of taken over our entire friend group for the better part of a couple years because Ryan and I were so are really good friends but we used to get in these sorts of spats and That don't mean anything and we were both vehemently against the other person's position and so it was pretty exciting to just drag Ryan onto a Show to force somebody else to who could be an impartial judge on

Who was had the correct position um and the day of was was fun it was really weird and nerve-wracking because at the time this is 10 years ish years ago and you know um there weren't a lot of people listening to podcasts like they are now so we literally just went to jesse's house and we walk in and it's him, Jordan. And then the other guest was there. Chris Hardwick. Yeah. You know, and then John Hodgman.

Who I didn't think about at the time was hosting Web Soup, which we didn't even bring up. He should have been the four-bowl soup expert. Exactly. yeah. But it all felt like it happened very fast. And it was weird because everybody else was sitting and we were standing up. And they were talking and kind of BSing around us like they do on the show. And then it was just kind of thrown to John and then to us. So it was like really weird.

I don't know how you felt about it, Ryan, but it was funny because I don't talk on a microphone for a living. So it was really weird to be put on the spot after like watching and hearing four people do it with such ease. And then it's like, Oh, it's like really just out of body experience where it's like, Oh, now I can talk about this dumb argument. I have my friend. The thing that really struck me at the time was that, I mean, we'd been talking about this for over a year,

like usually when we're drunk in bars and stuff. So we would talk, we were talking about this for hours and just for it to like be at the highest scale on, on on you know this platform and be distilled down into this segment i was just like oh my god this was like everything it was all building up to this and it was just such a short, intense experience. Yeah. The judge rendered his verdict that it is not a soup, but it's not its own subcategory, But it's not its own subcategory that chili is a stew, which I think took us both off guard because we really wanted one of us to be right or wrong. But now there's a third argument in the mix. And it just it it settled our personal differences. But it also was just like, you know, it's like a draw where nobody's

happy after it. And I think we, all the debates after just, uh, were kind of us versus John Hodgman. Yeah. It might've squashed our beef, but it started in invisible beef that John Hodgman has no idea about, but man, it united us, uh, but united us against John Hodgman has no idea about. But man. It united us, but united us against John Hodgman. Yeah. Because I don't believe that chili is the stew. No, absolutely not. I still don't believe it's a soup, but I definitely know it's not a stew. Yeah. Because the stew, of course, is slowly cooked. It's stewed. And there's some great chili recipes that only take like 30 minutes tops so yeah yeah and those are those are stews that i would actually stand behind yeah uh so you can't have a quick stew average average stew time to cook is like an hour and a half to four hours

so if something could be cooked within 25 minutes to 45 minutes just can't be a stew clearly exactly yeah exactly and i felt like i had rendered a real knockout punch uh which i had saved to the end where i i i had stated in the original case that um my my prime argument came down to you don't you can't put soup on a burger and uh and and that seemed to stop everyone in this track so i was feeling pretty great like i i had come out and then this no i was gut punched like all the air was out of my lungs when you got that which but i will say is a personal moment of triumph because usually ryan wins these arguments pretty handily uh he's the very smart guy and and i and he's he he's too quick for me and so i was pretty happy with how that turned out. And then to have the rug pulled out, and now it's a third thing.

Ultimately, it didn't matter. It didn't matter, yeah, because Tom Hinch didn't even care what we thought. So I think it was he had his own agenda, which we could have never foreseen. He had his own horse in the Chilean Super Race, Stu. Stu, yeah. A lot of time has passed and the world has kind of changed a lot since that happened. I don't like compartmentalizing food so much into these kind of categories.

I don't like to bind them to food binaries. So I'm much more willing to like see soup as a spectrum, you know, like chili is like, it can be a little bit of soup. It can be a little bit of condiment, you know? So I think like time has made me a little bit softer on my, on my stance. And it actually has me going a lot more towards what, what Vincent's argument was that it was his own thing, you know, just like anything. It's just, uh, or I would love chili if it was a condiment as much as I would love it if it was, uh, a soup. So.

It's a very flexible food, I think. Where are we netted out at the end of the day. Yeah. You know, it could be a condiment. It could be soupy. It could be a solid, you know, it could be as many things to many people, I think, is where I came out on it. Yeah, yeah. It's chili.

It's fluid. Yeah. Just like a soup. It's fluid. But, you know, but it's strong, like, uh, like more of a solid food. Yeah. Yeah. Can't be.

Yeah, definitely. Hello. I'm your judge. John Hodgman. The judge. John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you. Our members, of course,

thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel.

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They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We are clearing the docket this week and we've got something here from Emma. Hang on a second. Hang on. I apologize, Emma. Let me just say, Jennifer Marmer, I told you we weren't supposed to be doing anything special

for each other for the 500th episode. Just a gift of 500 tuna bagels. Just a small... And you went and created this pastiche of old litigants coming in as a surprise to me. Thank you. I couldn't help it, Judge. That's really nice. A real trip down memory lane with the soup versus chili guys.

That's how it all started. If you don't know, everybody, that's how it all began. Yeah. Okay, here's something from Emma. Over a month ago, I was cleaning up the dining room. Under a stack of boxes, I found a little box, so I opened it to make sure nothing was inside. I found a receipt from my favorite jewelry store, and the receipt was for the purchase of the actual ring I had wanted to get as a wedding ring. The receipt was dated for last summer on my birthday.

So now I know my significant other has a ring and is likely to propose, which is great, except he has not proposed after having the ring for half a year. I don't like lying or evading the truth. It bothers me. However, I can't say anything because I shouldn't know. I need advising on this engaging ethical entrapment. Well, you know, this is a podcast that seeks to mediate disputes between two litigants. It's understandable that it often gets confused as a manners podcast or an ethics podcast. This is not a dispute. This is an ethical question. Does Emma ask

what happened to this ring? Does she reveal that she has this information? But I should reject the case, but I can't because this is actually Emma Thompson, the famous actor Emma Thompson writing in. Oh, wow.

Thank you for writing in, Emma Thompson. You're so wonderful in everything. You're good in everything. She was- So funny. Yeah. So charming. Such a brilliant actor.

She was particularly good in the movie Love Actually, which I had never seen. Have you ever seen it, Jesse? Yeah, I have really strong feelings about it. Uh-oh. That are really going to upset some people. Let's not upset anybody. Let's keep it sweet like a Canadian sitcom.

Look, let me put it this way. I love Emma Thompson unequivocally as I do many of the performers in that film. All I'm going to say, and the love actually heads out there have already caught into this, as I do many of the performers in that film. All I'm going to say, and the Love Actually heads out there have already caught into this, is that the reference I'm making, of course, is to Emma Thompson's character in Love Actually, who discovers in her husband Alan Rickman's jacket pocket a piece of jewelry that she anticipates he is going to give to her for Christmas. And then when Christmas Morn comes along, the box is presented to her and it's the

same size box. The box is about the size of a, say, Joni Mitchell CD. And she opens it, and it turns out to be a Joni Mitchell CD because he knows she loves Joni Mitchell. Jennifer Marmer, I don't know whether you were scratching your eye in that moment or wiping a tear away. Have you seen Love Actually? Oh, yeah. And I was wiping a tear away. It was so sad. Yeah. I had never seen it before.

The adult woman who is not my wife who lives in our house and is related to us made us watch it just before Christmas. And I had never seen it before. And boy, oh, boy, I can see how a person would have strong feelings about this movie one way or the other. It's a weird, beautiful, funny, strange, messed up movie. It's about 17 movies in one movie. It was like the director was like, let's just make all the movies. Richard Curtis, make all the movies. Joel, you ever see Love Actually?

I think I did, but I can't really remember. All right, let me tell you what happens. Okay. Alan Rickman, in one of the 14 storylines, Alan Rickman, who's one of the best, knows that Emma Thompson loves Joni Mitchell, so he gives her a Joni Mitchell CD for Christmas thinking she'll love it. Mitchell CD for Christmas thinking she'll love it. But of course, he doesn't know that she already saw the piece of jewelry that he had bought for the woman he's having an affair with. And Emma Thompson figures this out and she just excuses herself from the Christmas tree

to go stand in another room and listen to the Joni Mitchell CD and cry. And it's incredibly sad. listen to the Joni Mitchell CD and cry. And it's incredibly sad. It's incredibly sad because no one makes Alan Rickman a philanderer in a movie. Come on, it's Alan Rickman. Also, it wasn't justified within the movie that he was doing this, or even revealed. It's weird. What do you think about that scene, Jennifer Marmer? It was really heartbreaking to watch her react. Yeah. She's incredible. She's an incredible actor.

Yeah. And, you know, that Joni Mitchell, Both Sides Now is already like a very emotional sounding song. I know. Look, now I'm wiping away a little something. Yeah. It's hard. It's hard to watch. It was hard. I mean, it was hard for me because I love Alan Rickman so much and I hate seeing him play a person making a terrible, terrible decision. It was hard for me also because I didn't even realize that this affair was real at this point because the movie is chopped up into 37,000 different pieces. And then it was hard because Emma Thompson gave such an incredible touching performance and as a dramatic conceit, discovering that your loved one has purchased something that you think is for you and then it doesn't materialize? Hmm, wonder why I referenced this.

So listen, obviously the person writing in is not Emma Thompson, nor is this person named Emma, because we said to her who wrote in, are you sure that you want us to talk about this? I don't know what your significant other has got planned or what the story is. And it could be Emma Thompson style sad. But Emma, quote unquote, the actual writer confirmed that her significant other doesn't listen to the podcast or is behind, probably stuck on episode 300.

And so it's OK to talk about. So what do you think, Jennifer Marmer? You mentioned that you've had some experience with this kind of thing before. Is that correct? Yep, that is correct. What is your experience and what do you think Emma should do? think Emma should do? Well, my experience is that my now husband left the engagement ring that he was planning to give me just out in the open, like I wouldn't see it. I've since learned that he seems to, if he has a gift for me, he thinks that if it's on his side of the bed that i won't see it so yeah um so uh

yeah there was a small box um unmistakable box sitting on his nightstand and i said what's that and he uh was very weird about it and um he's like uh three coffee beans just a three coffee bean sampler from ruby um and yeah it was the ring and you know that wasn't how he was planning on proposing and he was like should i give it to you and i was like well i don't know like this is your thing how did you want to do how is he planning to propose? Was he going to leave it in the dishwasher or on a mantelpiece? I don't know. Because what ended up happening was we decided not to because I felt weird about, like, that. And so I was like, okay, I'll just leave it up to you.

But then several weeks went by and nothing happened. And I was like, I just want to plan a wedding. Like if this is what we're doing, like I just want to start planning. And I don't want to wait for this arbitrary question when we both know what we're doing with our lives. And essentially, I feel like I bullied him into proposing to me and you know we've been married now for four years we have one child a dog i still sometimes feel bad and feel like i forced him into a marriage well i don't know no no no he was planning to propose to you what what was he do you know what he was waiting for during those awful, awkward weeks?

No, I don't know. And we had kind of offhandedly talked about like, yeah, maybe we'll go out for pizza and then you'll propose or something like that. And one night I was like, let's go to this pizza restaurant that you always talk about. Because I was just like, I want it to be over. Wow. And you wanted it also not just to be over, but to be over in the kind of romantic ambiance that only pizza can offer. Well, that's the other thing. He knew that I would not want to be proposed to in public.

So it's like we went on this lovely date and like went out for pizza, went to our favorite ice cream place, like got a drink and then like still nothing had happened and we got home and I was just like, okay, so it was awful. It was awful. Look, I've met your husband, Shane.

I think he's a wonderful partner and father and dog companion. Is he there? He's here. He's somewhere. Yeah, go get him. Okay. Yeah, go get Shane. Shane's a really sweet guy. Yeah, I should say he's like the best person. I love him very much, which is why I feel so bad about how un-chill I was about this whole thing. To me, it's just the mystery. While Shane

gets up, Jesse, this is what I'm going to say to the person we are calling Emma. Emma, I doubt that your significant other is Alan Rickman. I doubt that your significant other is up to mischief. I don't think they purchased the ring you wanted on your birthday without the intent to give it to you or that they gave it to someone else. Lily, Lily. Oh, there's Ezra, the baby. Jennifer Marmer has brought her child in instead of her husband. I think Shane is using your child as a human shield from judgment. So what I'll say instead, you know, but I do think, Emma, at this point,

you need and deserve to have some clarity as to what's going on. Maybe your significant other lost the ring. I think that's like maybe they accidentally left it on their bedside table or dropped it down a hole. But that would be an explanation. Or maybe your significant other is having some thoughts, some fears, some ambivalence that you deserve to work through as a couple. You did not find this ring through Snoopin or any malfeasance. It came upon you accidentally.

And you now have the knowledge and you are authorized to proceed with that knowledge because it came to you honestly and you deserve to know the answer. Now, Shane, Judge John Hodgman here from the Judge John Hodgman podcast. How are you? I'm doing OK, John. I'm feeling a little put on the spot, but let's get to it. Yeah, well, sometimes justice comes swift. Like a karate chop to the back of the head. Yeah, like a karate chop.

Karate chop. Karate chop justice. We were just hearing from a litigant here. She had discovered a receipt for an engagement ring on her birthday last year. And she was excited because she knew that her significant other knew which ring she wanted and this was it. And then it's now, now. Months have passed and the proposal is not materialized. And she's looking for advice as to what to do.

And Jennifer Marmer told me that something similar happened in your wonderful relationship. True or false? It's true. She did find a ring box prior to an engagement. Where'd she find it, Shane? You know, there's a lot of places to hide things. A lot of people just put them on their bedside table.

A lot of people do. A lot of people do. I love the fact that you feel that your bedside table was invisible to her. Because that is true about people who live, whether it's roommates or partners, spouses or whatever. When you're living in close quarters, you have to create a delusion that certain spaces are really private. Like, even though you might be in the bathroom and you can hear everything everyone else

in the house is saying, you have to believe that they can't hear the sounds that are coming out of your body. And similarly, you know, your bedside table becomes a zone that is purely shame. But obviously it was found. And my question to you is, what was the plan? What was your plan for that ring? And why? Why did eventually Jennifer have to just say, give it to me? It was supposed to be like a nice dinner and then and then giving her the ring, which wasn't the, it was more of a placeholder ring because her family has an heirloom engagement ring. And the dinner did not go as nicely as one would hope. It was one of those.

Yeah, because you didn't give it to her. No, it's because he insisted on Hawaiian and she wanted meat lovers. I insisted on a pizza place that was not agreed upon by the rest of us. So it was one of those, I went in with a plan that was entirely my plan. And it felt like it would be nicer to have a plan that would be more mutually shared as we agree to share a life together. So you decided this is the wrong time. You had the ring in your pocket and you're like. Yes, I decided it was the wrong time and we could find a better time to give the ring, like when she finds it later that night.

I understand, Shane. Look, it's a big decision. And even when I knew that I was going to propose to the woman who is now my wife, you know, I can't even begin to conjure the words for the anxiety I felt because, you know, once you say the words, you don't go back unless you're a monster. It is a it is a dimensional portal into a new life. So I can appreciate the the wanting to take seven weeks or whatever it was, even after the ring was discovered, to finally pop the question, as it were. Jennifer Marmer, do you forgive him? Oh, yeah, of course.

All right. And, oh, by the way, Shane, do you apologize? Yeah, for the rest of my life. Always and forever. Good. Nothing, just remember, nothing is perfect. Nothing is, no evening is perfect. And no recording situation is perfect either.

There's a child just clanging in the background. Yeah, I know. This is awkward, but it looks and sounds great. The other thing I would say is Jennifer Marmer and Shane, the next time you guys get married, Jennifer Marmer, you just leave a ring out for Shane. Okay. Don't wait on him. Good.

Leave a ring. Leave a ring. Well, you know, he probably won't even see it on your bedside table. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it, but I'll likely never notice it. Yeah, he seems to believe that the other person's bedside table is invisible. This requires the partner to be observant and careful. Just go to putthisonshop.com for an anniversary present. Okay. And just leave the ring on his bedside table. Great. Good plan. Sounds great. Thanks, John.

Thanks so much. And by the way, Emma, I hope that that helps if you're listening. And Emma's significant other, if you're listening, get it together. Figure out what you're going to do. Come clean.

Your height, there's something that's being hidden and it needs to be revealed. Judge Hodgman, we have an appeal here in episode 498, a rollicking docket. We heard a case from Michael about his distaste for fruit. His partner, Brenda, called him a fruit hater, and he says he simply doesn't have a taste for fruit because of a fruit intolerance he had as a child.

Well, Brenda has more information they'd like to share with the court. Here's what Brenda has to say. Before you read the letter, Jesse, this reminds me. Joel? Yes, Judge? They still have satsumas up at the trade winds. You should get some before the season ends. I saw them. All right.

Okay, thank you. Bye. All right, go ahead. I agree that being wary of fruit due to his fructose intolerance early in life is valid. fructose intolerance early in life is valid. However, he hasn't had fructose intolerance for 20 years and consumes copious limes in the form of many gin and tonics. What I consider fruit hatred is his refusal to eat non-citrus fruits because by his own admission, he just doesn't like the taste.

I'm Chinese American, and eating fruits after dinner is a deeply ingrained part of our food culture. It's considered ungracious to decline. This holiday, each time we were offered fruit, Michael would refuse. I made excuses for him and said he had an intolerance as a child, so he didn't seem rude. This led to my parents offering him every variety of fruit in the house to be a good host, and he refused them all. i think it's fine if fruit isn't his favorite but if he won't eat it unless it's in a gin and tonic i think hating and strongly

disliking are just semantics he's lactose intolerant but he eats cheese anyway so i don't say he hates cheese. I'd simply like Michael to accept he is a fruit hater and that that is okay. Huh. All right, so Brenda fires back. And by the way, I'm the greatest living detective in North America. I noticed that Brenda spells favorite with a U, so probably in Canada as well. Hello, Canadian listeners.

Good going with your majority rules democracy. Good idea. This is a wrinkle, Jesse. I was not aware of this cultural issue with regard to Michael being offered fruit at the end of every meal, nor was I aware of Michael's consumption of lime in his daily or weekly or whatever it is, quinine intake via gin and tonic delivery method. But I'm not sure that these two pieces of information change my mind about labeling Michael a fruit hater. changed my mind about labeling Michael a fruit hater. Because I'm sorry, Brenda, like, you established that Michael had an acknowledge and established in your parents' home that Michael had a fruit intolerance that makes him, as you put it, wary of fruit. I think quite reasonably

wary of fruit. And then your parents were like, we understand, but what about this fruit? But what about this fruit? But what about this fruit? And after a while, you just said, no, he hates all fruit. It is really important for Michael to respect your parents and your cultural heritage. But I don't feel that he is being disrespectful. Unless you are accusing Michael of being a straight up liar, who actually, you know, can tolerate any fruit and doesn't have this wariness about these foods that used to cause abdominal cramps, nausea, dizziness, uh, other symptoms of fructose intolerance. If he's not a liar, then he's simply asking you and your parents to respect his agency and his body.

And while I'm sure your parents are wonderful people who mean well and who are only trying to be the best hosts they can, mean well and who are only trying to be the best hosts they can? Trying a bunch of other fruit on them? I'm going to see your parents. No, they're verging on rude. Sorry, Brenda, Brenda's parents. But there's a little bit like, I understand you're a vegetarian, but have you tried this bacon? I understand that you're a vegetarian, but you eat meat, right?

How about this slice of salami? No. Send that bacon and salami to me, John Hodgman, care of Judge John Hodgman, care of Maximum Fun. And keep your fruit because I don't like it either. But to be diminished and accused of being a fruit hater when you are a fruit disliker or a fruit wary person, I think that's just mean. I think you just have to accept it's not that Michael hates fruit and that's OK. It's that Michael chooses not to eat fruit and that's OK. And that's okay.

And, you know, what I would say is, since you know that he will eat citrus fruits in the form of a lime or a lemon in a gin and tonic, maybe next time for fun, when you're at your parents' house for dinner, they can offer Michael a lemon to suck on. Let's take a quick break. When we come back, the world premiere of a brand new mashup called Nub Court. But first, another update from past litigants. We'll be back with more soon on Judge John Hodgman. I'm Declan. I'm Taryn. I'm the older brother. And I'm the younger brother from the wake me up before you go bro case, where I'm the younger brother from the Wake Me Up Before You Go Bro case, where I brought the judge that I was displeased with waking Taryn up in the morning. Was like seven years ago, six or seven years. I was having trouble remembering how the case

ended. I know that I lost, but I don't remember. Yeah, I don't like listening to my voice. So I sent that to everyone I knew, but then I never listened to it because I hate listening to myself. So I don't remember how it ended either. All I remember truly is like, I remember smashing the alarm clock that was a big i probably took that a little too far i probably didn't need to gut the alarm clock yeah you you could have just said you i could have just made like a smashing sound yeah and not actually smashed the alarm clock but i did actually smash the alarm clock. In case anyone wondered, I doubt they did. If that's been bugging anybody, I did really smash that one.

I know I bought a new one. I used those through college, and they worked pretty well, if only because I had roommates to worry about. I do sometimes rely on people to wake me up just so i don't sleep in um so i'll i'll tell my my dad if i haven't texted you by x time just start calling me so it's it's that sort of thing that doesn't take time out of one's day like it used to with Declan's. So what has happened since is I went to Emerson College in Boston. I majored in film and TV writing. Graduated in May of 2018. And then my apartment's lease was up in August. So I moved out in July.

And I figured, okay, there's an election in November of 2018. I'll just, I'll move back home to Atlanta, do some canvassing for a couple months, vote, and then move to New York, LA, somewhere where my friends and industry comrades are. And I ended up getting involved in voter protection more than canvassing. And I ended up getting involved in voter protection more than canvassing. And I ended up getting offered a job, technically a part-time job, but I've been doing it for the past over two years now. I am still in Georgia working with the Coalition for Good Governance. Please donate if you can. And you could say I'm an analyst. I do what needs doing.

Currently, I'm at Reed College in Portland, Oregon, studying neuroscience. I look back. What it did, this is important. This is something I didn't even realize. When that, the summer after we did that, because that was in the spring, I think, or whatever, later in the summer. We went to see Hodgman in Charleston, West Virginia at some like comedy festival. Was it? I thought it was the same. Like a year later, we went to see him in Charleston, West Virginia.

We took like a road trip. It was our first like solo trip, the boys. And on that trip, we hiked in the Kanawa State Forest just outside of Charleston. And we came across an old family cemetery. And we came across an old family cemetery. And I wrote my college entrance essay about that cemetery and that experience of connecting with past people in a place I didn't expect. And so that is a direct correlation to the podcast and something I wouldn't have expected it leading to how I present myself for colleges I remember when I showed it to friends my age old

friends and new friends who were in similar situations going off to college with younger siblings or older siblings it seemed to resonate with them emotionally in a way I was not expecting at all I don't know if that speaks to our relationship, but it's probably the thing I think about the most in relation to having done this is that when I would show it to people who are also 18, 19, they talked about how it resonated with them

on an emotional level that I didn't really feel because for me it was just a fun thing we were doing. It was cool to be on a podcast of someone I admired and a podcast I thought was fun. And also, if you have money to spare, consider going to coalitionforgoodgovernance.org and donating. You're a shill. Yeah, Happy 500.

500 is a lot of episodes. It was a small, but not insignificant part of my life. How many episodes does, does Gunsmoke have? Has, has Judge Sean Hodgman beat Gunsmoke? That's the goal.

Beat, hashtag beat Gunsmoke. The Beef and Dairy Network is a multi-award winning comedy podcast here on Maximum Fun, and I would recommend you listen to it. But don't just take it from me. What do the listeners have to say? I would rather stick a corkscrew inside my ear, twist it around and pull out my ear canal like a cork than listen to your stupid podcast ever again.

Please stop contacting me. Hell would freeze over before I recommended this podcast, the Beef and Dairy Network, to anyone. Not in a million years. Actually, scratch that. Make it a billion years. No, how long's infinity?

That's the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, available at MaximumFun.org and at all good and some bad podcast platforms. Disgusting. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum

Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-R. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky.

Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go,

try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org if you need a laugh and you're on the go welcome back to the judge john hodgman podcast we're clearing the docket so we heard from a listener named Lisa about a case from episode 496, a gallon of scallops. Barbara wanted to know if it was acceptable to donate unwanted tonic water to a local food bank. Lisa suggests local buy nothing groups on Facebook for similar dilemmas. She goes on to say, a buy nothing group is hyper local and membership is limited by geography. You can ask for help or post items you're no longer using. As the name indicates,

everything is free. I have three small children, including twins, so we cycle through a lot of stuff. It gives me so much joy passing on our clothes, toys, and gear to someone in the community who can really use the items. People also give and request food. During the holidays, there were several requests for help, sometimes anonymously through the admin, and people stepped in to provide meals and gifts. I certainly don't want to take anything away from supporting food banks, but I think both are great options for helping neighbors. Well, thank you, Lisa, for writing in. And listeners, before you write me a letter, we edited Lisa's letter down a little bit, but you should know that they were like, yeah, I know Facebook isn't the best.

This is just where these buy-nothing groups that Lisa is familiar with exist. Facebook is obviously implicated in a lot of harm in our civil society, but it's also implicated in a lot of fun in the Judge John Hodgman Facebook group. And it's also implicated in a lot of really good works. And Lisa was very, very right to point out specifically these community bulletin boards where people share information, share food, share resources. These buy nothing groups. It's a very, very valuable way to connect with your community. While I've been up here in Maine, there's one that I belong to. And I was very lucky to not destroy my car in a massive pothole after the last snowfall because I was warned about it by Nick.

Thank you, Nick. I appreciate that. He warned everyone in the group. And there are a lot of people who are sharing resources, food, clothing, warm clothes for kids. It's a really wonderful way to be directly involved in your community. And if there's a way to access your community or build such a group outside of Facebook, I welcome you to do it. And in particular, Lisa, you're not taking away from food banks because I may have mentioned earlier, but we received quite a few letters from people who are involved in food banks who are like, if you can afford it, the best way to support food banks is actually through monetary donations rather than donations of food, is actually through monetary donations rather than donations

of food, for example, maybe even more than donations of time as a volunteer because the food banks have buying arrangements with big food wholesalers that can make your dollar go very, very far compared to just dropping a case of Stewart's canned shell beans on their door and driving away. Save your case of Stewart's canned shell beans for your local buy-nothing community group that you're a part of or that you form in your neighborhood. People need a lot of help and a lot of support right now. And I think that's a wonderful suggestion, Lisa. Thank you. You know, John, I had an experience the other day that reminded me of that case.

And I wanted to mention that, at least here in Los Angeles, where I live, there's been a real proliferation of what you might call community food libraries. familiar with those phone booths and other little pieces of civic architecture that have been repurposed into book giveaways. Here in Los Angeles, there are many similar edifices that are for food giveaways. And I know I cleaned out my pantry the other day. There was some stuff that I wasn't going to eat because of varying dietary needs and so on and so forth. And right near my house, there's a house that in front of it has a little shed type thing that is free food for anyone who needs it. Drop off extra food that you have. And I dropped some stuff off there.

And mostly it was not equivalent to tonic water. Mostly it was staple food. But I will say that a kind listener gifted me for Christmas a box of Turkish Delight. Turkish delight is one of the most delightful, no pun intended, foods to refer to or make a joke about. Yeah. Because of its central place in the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Correct. And the fact that it's kind of gross. Yeah.

And because nobody is exactly sure. Most people are not exactly sure what it is. And most people who are sure what it is or have tasted it are aware that it's super gross. I'll tell you something. I'm an only child. So maybe I can't really say for sure. But there's no way Turkish Delight would get me to betray my siblings. Not just as pale gelatin coated in sugar.

No. Give me a gummy of some kind. Go on. You don't want pectinated fruit juice with little pieces of pistachio in it? Anyway, I understand that not everyone thinks Turkish delight is as gross as I do. But I knew that no one in my family wanted it. It was a real tonic water situation. You know, I think tonic water is gross.

You love the stuff, John. It's not everything is for everyone. And I accept, I was grateful to have that thoughtful gift that was an illusion to me making jokes about Turkish delight, I think on Jordan, Jesse Go. And I was grateful to pass it on to someone else who might like a nice dessert and actually enjoys this stuff. And did that also help you to recruit

them into your plan to keep Los Angeles in a period of perpetual winter without Christmas time? Oh yeah. No, this was, I enchanted it on the way out. No doubt about that. I i gotta catch this one fawn is that what happens yeah all i really remember about the lion the witch in the wardrobe is the like british television movie version with the like giant beaver people yeah well there are supposed to be regular beavers that can speak but um i think when that tv movie was made in England in the 80s or whatever, they did not have the technology to animate beavers who speak. So they dressed up humans as horrific beaver furries, basically. I mean, I think in the 1980s in England, they didn't even have film cameras, right? They just had video cameras that had been decommissioned from 1970s American sitcoms.

I made the mistake of looking at these beavers again. Wow. Wow. I got to send this to Joel. Joel, I'm sending you a picture. You're not trying to scare me are you look i don't know what your reaction is going to be these are the beavers well that that last one you sent me about the halloween yeah i know yeah that was harvester of souls yes very scary okay what do you think about this one whoa. What the heck? We'll put that on the Instagram and hope that we don't get sued by the BBC or ITV or whoever it was. But they kind of look like overgrown Ewoks. And speaking of Ewoks, what do you got for us, Jesse?

We recently had a conversation about what little kids call their pacifiers. Yeah, that's right. We kids call their pacifiers. Yeah, that's right. We're talking about pacifiers. I was saying my son always called his pacifier his Fafa. And what was the pacifier names in your house, or did you have any? I mean, I called it Binky sometimes just because I enjoyed it. But we mostly called it the pacifier, I think. And we also talked about the talking about Fafa. We also talked about Yub Yub, which is the famous lyric from the Ewok song of celebration at the end of the original edit of Return of the Jedi.

And somewhere along the way, I said, there's a mashup here waiting to happen. And did that happen? Yeah. Well, you remember all of these things correctly, and the mashup is here with us. So inspired by our conversations about Fafas, about Yub Yubs, and of course, our love for the Harry Anderson vehicle, Night Court. vehicle night court uh listener jeff also known as artifice dropped this track last week we're now dropping it on you roll tape guess what jesse what there's a mash-up to be made let's start at the very beginning how hot is it jesse, I have a question. You have a bunch of children.

Were pacifiers part of their growing up? Did they ever have different names for their pacifiers? Like Pasi or... Once you have these notes in your heads, you can sing a million different tunes. By mixing them up. Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti. Once you have these notes in your heads, you can sing a million different tunes. Passing up. By mixing them up. Passing up. Like this.

Fa, la, re, fa, la, re, do. Yub, yub, yub. Yub, yub. The classic Ewok cry of victory over the emperor. Sorry, I started singing the Nightcore theme. Let's see if I can make it easier. You don't need to add to the grossness. They need to add to the grossness. They need to be some dirt. How hot is it?

My dinks. It's science. Gross. You know what? There's an overlap. And there's a mashup to be made. Yup, yup. Our son called his pacifier a fa-fa.

If a fa-fa falls, suck on that four fa-fa. Gross. Getifier a fa-fa. If a fa-fa falls, suck on that four-fa-fa? Gross. Get onto that fa-fa. My wife thinks this is gross. Guess what, Jesse? What? Thank you. It's science. A body needs two things.

You don't need to add to the grossness. How hot is it? It's hot as three hours of simmered bolognese. Ask anyone at a barbecue pit. Yub, yub. Whoa. Three hours of simmered bolognese. Ask anyone at a barbecue pit. Gross. Whoa. Wow.

Now, Jesse, had you heard that before? Yeah, I think I heard that one time, that time that Girl Talk testified before Congress. I heard it. Jennifer Marmer, this is what I remember. Jeff sent that in. I started listening to it. Jennifer Marmer, this is what I remember. Jeff sent that in. I started listening to it. I'm like, pretty good, pretty good. Then when it started going into the night court theme, my brain started to melt.

And then it reformed and then melted again and then exploded. And then I was like, well, let's play it on the podcast. And Jeff was like, wait, I must perfect it. I feel like he added about seven minutes at the end since the last time. There's a whole movement to that that I hadn't heard before, I feel like. Thank you, Artifeas. Shout out, by the way, obviously, to the Doughboys who do drops. And, of course, to the sound collages of Tom Sharpling and The Best Show.

I don't want anyone to feel that we're biting their style. But I'm very grateful to Artifeas for sending that in. And apparently there was a Guster song in there as well. I didn't hear the Guster song. But shout out to the lead singer of Guster who showed me and David Reese around Burlington, Vermont, four years ago when we went there. That was very nice of you to do. Thank you, Chief Guster of Guster. That's it. Talk, it's clear. Another episode of Judge John Hodgman in a book. Not another episode. The 500th episode is in the books.

Congratulations to us. Congratulations to... I just want to say thank you again to everybody at Maximum Fun, Jesse, Jennifer, Joel, Monty, everyone involved in the show, but especially to the listeners and the litigants for keeping me company for 10 years, for trusting us with your lives and often very important decisions, your memories, your stories, your matchups. I hope that we have treated them well. And thank you especially listeners and litigants for being such an active part of this podcast. Obviously, it's impossible to do it without you. And also thank you for challenging me when I needed to be challenged. And over 10 years, I feel like

I've really grown a lot since that day that I told those guys that chili was a stew, not a soup. As a person, I've really, my mind has been made better through this whole experience. And I hope that my acts in the world have also been made better by it. And I'm very grateful. So thanks. I would like to thank you, John, for being such a wonderful friend all these years and being such a joyful and delightful collaborator. And I would especially like to thank, I would like to thank Jennifer Marmer, who, you know, you hear her voice these days once in a while, but mostly she's behind the scenes. And I don't think our listeners are aware of how hard she works to bring you this show. And she has done incredible work, not just in ideal circumstances, but in these far from ideal circumstances. So I want to thank her. And I also don't want this incredible milestone to pass without thanking our friend Julia Smith, who was the producer of this show for many years and worked incredibly hard to make this show what it is with her.

incredibly hard to make this show what it is with her, um, you know, not just, not just diligent work, but, uh, many brilliant ideas that shaped the form of this show. And, um, you know, she was doing it well, uh, while producing it part-time, it was a really extraordinary achievement that speaks to her talent. So, um, we've been lucky to have two really incredible collaborators on this show in, uhennifer and julia so i would like to take this opportunity to tip my cap and say thank you to them because i am i am very grateful for sure thanks guys uh joel i'm sure you have a few remarks prepared anyone you want to thank just my mom and dad all right we got the orchestra's playing you off. I want to thank Joel's mom and dad, too. Thanks, mom and dad. Thanks, Joel's mom and dad.

Run, run, run. Yub, yub, yub away. Go ahead, Jesse. Our producer, Jennifer Marmer. Our engineer in Maine, Joel Mann. Program and operations manager at WERU Community Radio in Orland, Maine. You can listen to WERU at WERU.org. You can follow John on Instagram at TheMaineMan, M-A-I-N-E-M-A-N-N. Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. We're

on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. We also have our own Instagram accounts at John Hodgman and at put.this.on. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO, and check out the MaxFun subreddit to discuss this episode. Submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO or email Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. 500 ebbs. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. Can't hit those notes anymore, Jesse. MaximumFun.org Comedy and Culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.