Juicy Scoop with Heather McDonald - Comic Rachel Feinstein, D4vd Murder, RHOC

Episode Date: September 23, 2025

The case against D4vd gets even stranger. RHOC wars dates back to 2008. Then I have return guest, the hilarious Rachel Feinstein. We discuss what it is like to be married to a female stand up comedian. Our husbands are both named Peter and the similarities don’t stop there. Get ready to laugh with us! -Ready to say yes to saying no? Make the switch at https://MintMobile.com/juicyscoop -Head to https://LetsLiveItUp.com/JUICYSCOOP and use code JUICYSCOOP for 15% off your first Super Greens order! -For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you go to https://Nutrafol.com and enter the promo code JUICYSCOOP.  -Find exactly what you’re booking for. Booking.com, Booking.YEAH! Book today on the site or in the app. Go to https://Booking.com -Visit https://Audible.com for a free 30-day trial and a free audiobook or download the Audible app today and start listening to the best in romance audiobooks. Subscribe to my new show Juicy Crimes!: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/juicycrimes⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Stand Up Tickets and info: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://heathermcdonald.net⁠⁠⁠  Subscribe to Juicy Scoop with Heather McDonald and get extra juice on Patreon: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/JuicyScoopPod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/juicyscoop ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Watch the Juicy Scoop On YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/@JuicyScoop⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Shop Juicy Scoop Merch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://juicyscoopshop.com ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Follow Me on Social Media: Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/heathermcdonald ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@heathermcdonald⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠  YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/@HeatherMcDonaldOfficial⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Heather McDonald has got the Juicy Scoot when you're on the road, when you're on the go. Juicy Scoop is the show to know. She talks Hollywood Tales for real life, Mr. Segment's Serial Data and Serial Sister. You'll be addicted and addicted fast to the number one tabloid real-life podcast. Listen in, listen to us. Whoop, woo. Heather McDonald. Hello and welcome to juicy scoop. All right, we have some juicy update on this crazy crime that happened with the singer David. I talked about this last week. So there is this 20-year-old singer named David. He has some hits. He was on tour. And his Tesla was found because there was a very bad smell coming from it. So it got towed.

and in it in the front trunk of the Tesla, they found a very decomposed body. That person we now know is, was a missing teen. She's been missing since 24 over a year. She was only 15. Her name is Celeste Rivas. And they connected it to David because it was his car that was registered to him. He has canceled his tour dates. He is supposedly cooperating with.

the authorities on this. Her family is from Lake Elsinore. There was a vigil for her. The body was so decomposed. It was only 77 pounds. And they don't know what she has, what caused her death being that it was such a decomposed body. That's going to take some time, I think, for the autopsy to figure out maybe that's why they're waiting to officially arrest him. Maybe they're trying to figure out when she died. And if in fact, his alibi would stick. Maybe he was in Europe or something for two months and it would make he would, it would be impossible for him to do this. They were, um, ball accounts a couple, it sounds like this. There is an, uh, a teacher that has spoken to his classroom and is doing interviews that he actually taught them, like he had each of them in his classroom, I think at one point, but certainly no, knew her. And he's telling his class, like, beware. This girl. went missing. Now her body has been found. She got involved with a man that was older than she

who she met on the internet on social media. So it was sort of like a lesson to his class to be so careful. People are very confused to where her parents are in all of this or her family. You know, before we'd always hear about trafficking with teenagers, there was a time many years ago, decades ago, when a young teen girl would go missing. and they were just called runaways. Like, oh, they just ran away. They just ran off with a boyfriend or they hated their parents

and hopefully we'll find them. But it wasn't like this person is missing, either, you know, kidnapped, trafficked, dead. They went on their own volition or whatever. So I don't know if that was the case. But the parents or the family did say she was missing. So she was reported missing. They share a tattoo of the exact same thing

on the same inside of the. middle figure named Shush. So supposedly they met when she was only 13. So that would have made him 17, maybe 18. He's only 20 now. And this is where it gets crazy. He had a song called, the song is called Romantic Homicide, came out on his 2023 album. And there's a video to it where it's a body being put inside the trunk of a car and being dragged. There is a romantic actress, a girl playing a romantic lead knit that people feel she sort of resembles Celeste. There is, he has a bloody shirt on him. He was selling shirts from the video. His merch had these like bloody shirts where it's like handprints of blood on a white shirt that

you could buy. All right, you guys, fall is in full swing. And I I know it's the perfect time to refresh your wardrobe and get those pieces that feel good and look good, but also have great quality and really elevate your style. Quince cuts out the middlemen to deliver luxury quality pieces at half the price of similar brands, which we love. Keep it classy and cozy this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince. Go to quince.com for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash juicy to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash juicy. Hey there, it's Heather McDonnell from Juicy Scoop and I have the juiciest of them all on Audible. Romance has always been a crowd-placing

genre on their platform and there's more to imagine when you listen to their expansive collection. They have audio books to satisfy every side of you. I'm talking about the Romanticie genre, which is huge on book talk right now with authors like Sarah J. Mass and Devney Perry. Get your first great love story for free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.com. When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best hapice in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at mx.ca slash yamex.

Of course people are very curious about it. This guy has said about it, showed it, talked about it, saying about it, has the tattoo, everything. And so people are like, why is he not being arrested? And the only thing I can think of is that they need to know, they need more time to figure out when, in fact, she, her life ended and how. and they just really want to make sure before they arrest him that he is definitely the one could he have had someone else do it

was maybe there was they were romantic for a while and then somebody in his entourage became involved with her and maybe that person is the one that in fact did it in case he's telling that we don't know but the fact that he was obsessed with this wrote a song about romantic

homicide and hear a girl that he clearly in my opinion had a romantic relationship with though that is quite controversial being that he was, in fact, over 18 and she was a child, that obviously wouldn't have been great for his career if it'd come out. You know, yes, Elvis Presley was, you know, over 18 dating Priscilla Presley, but that was, you know, 60 years ago and that it does not fly today. So because of the interest in him and his song and all the connections

and how it's basically he's just telling on himself, according to this, David earned his biggest streaming day of all time on Spotify, on September 21st, with 12.1 million streams, just that particular day. So it's insane. And I hope the family gets their answers. Supposedly a spokesperson for the family has started a GoFundMe. I assumed to pay for her funeral costs. Last I checked, the goal was 20,000. I'm sure they've gotten to it. by then, but we have yet to hear from like the actual parents and where, how long they were really concerned, if they know anything about the relationship that she was having with this singer, how they met, where the tattoo happened from. Of course, who did the tattoo? I'm curious about that since you have to be 18 to have a tattoo and clearly she wasn't. There's so many questions.

So that is really what everyone is talking about. Okay, little update on Real Housewives, though, see, before I get to my home. hilarious interview with the very funny comedian Rachel Feinstein. I just want to cover this. So in the war between Gretchen and Tamara and bringing up the past, as we've spoken before, there was a very disturbing episode 13 years ago or 17 years ago, I think, in which Tamara is seen with her adult son, who was 22 at the time. Let's get Gretchen, who is with a only, older man who was her fiance who was since past. Let's get her naked wasted so she does something she regrets. And they film it all. They show him going in the bathroom with her and trying to

kiss her. And it's all on Mike. And it's all available for you to watch on Peacock today. That gets out there. She says, I should have gone to the hospital. She tells Katie. Katie said that she went to the hospital. Then she said, I said I should have gone to the hospital. that I didn't so it's a case of what it coulda shoulda is Gretchen a liar is you know what's Tamara trying is Tamara trying to catch her in a lie to you know get the heat off of her for what she did 17 years ago which I'm sure she wouldn't do today and it's very inappropriate then we find out that Tamara I guess tried to be one of those real housewives that had a song during the no hate campaign of 2008 in which there was a whole campaign of wanting to make it legal that gay couples could get married. And so you would do this

like photo shoot. A lot of people did it. And so she was going to do a no hate because it was prop eight campaign. And so Gretchen says in the episode, oh, she tried to be a singer. I have four songs. But Tamara, who's made fun of real housewife pop singers, actually has a song too. And they call Slade and then Slade on a speaker, you know, on a FaceTime, says, oh, you want the song or do you want when it was recorded when she was having sex with this boy band guy? This guy was in a 90s boy band that supposedly Tamara got with while recording this song.

And while they were being romantic, it was the recording in the studio was still going on from when she tried to sing this song. And this was met 13 years ago. and this guy is married and he was married then or at least with his now wife and you know she Tamara denied it and she was either with Simon or just starting to date Eddie but it was before she was married to Eddie and so this all comes out and it isn't really boating well with the audience the audience is like why is it that when we bring back an old cast member for whatever reason It's all about hashing up old drama. It happened with, you know, Alexis Bellino a little bit with the boyfriend. And now it's got, now it's happening with Gretchen and Tamara.

And it's just a very interesting thing. It's like every day it kind of shifts in who is really obsessed with whom. Is it Tamara obsessed with Gretchen? Is it Gretchen obsessed with Tamara? Who's digging up the old thing? Who's keeping the skeleton? Who's the skeletons or who's the bone collector? And I don't think the audience really cares, in my opinion, if, in fact, Tamara did do something sexual with this guy 13 years ago.

I just don't think anyone cares. I remember it was more than that. Let's see, 2008, what year are we in? How many years? I can't even do the mouth. Anyway, it was a long time ago. Doesn't seem like people care. And so every day, the wave shift of who really is the.

enemy here. And the rest of the episode seemed a little sticky. They had a sleepover. They went to the Abbey. And the girls went to the Abbey and they were dancing around. And ever since I heard from gay men and my friends that they actually are over a bunch of straight women going to gay bars. They're like, can we just have one thing? Like, we're not that into it. We're not really that into having the Bachelorette parties roll up in here and as if they're going, you know, on a museum trip or something. I don't know. And so I'm like, God, are they even excited to see these housewives come and, like, dance on a table and do this whole thing? So they do that with Gretchen and Emily and Heather and then the next morning after they have their $15,000 sleepover where they bring in the beds and everything like you would for your little spoiled 12 year old to have a sleepover with like the canopies in the living room and the candy bar.

they drill Gretchen about who pays for what in her household was Slade and why have they not gotten married and she's put on the spot and then you know that's sort of uncomfortable and that's going to all come out and they were she was on watch Robbins live defending herself so we are watching as you know Gretchen and Slade came on my show maybe like six weeks ago or so a month ago. And it was quite juicy. They'd never done my show before. And they are a fascinating couple. And this is all playing out and where it's going to land and who is on whose team and what's happening. So that's the juice there. And some people are tired of it. And they're like, I'm over this darkness. I'm over bringing up the past. But I feel it's pretty juicy because it's all there for us to go back and watch on Peacock. So Peacock and Bravo. must be loving this. And if anything, I think they will continue to bring back past housewives as a friend of

to stir the pot. I think they did it with Lexus Bolino. I think they did it with Gretchen. And I think it will continue to happen in the franchise because I actually think it works. Okay. So now don't forget you guys to buy your tickets, low ticket alert, November 14th at the BravoCon weekend, MGM Grand, Brandy Julie's Price, Gas, all housewife, Bravo, fun, hilarity happening. Heather MacDonald.net. Also, every Wednesday, new, brand new, juicy crimes episodes drop and write in the juicy crimes feed.

The link is here below. Please subscribe to that. Spread the word. It's also on YouTube. Subscribe to the YouTube. And leave a review if you are so inclined. So now with my very funny friend, Rachel Feinstein. Hello and welcome to Juicy Scoop. I have a return favorite from the East Coast, comedian, mother, daughter, wife of a beloved firefighter. Rachel Feinstein, welcome back to Juicy Scoop. Thank you.

I love it here. Look at this lovely young man. You're gorgeous. I wish for you mountains of ass. You're a marvelous young fella. She's talking about my son Drake, who is here producing this episode here. No, thank you for coming out. What brought you out to the East Coast besides coming on Juicy Scoop? I'm working on this pilot that's based on my specials, but we're just like in the beginning stages now where like the studio is attached but we're figuring it all out.

That is very exciting. Thank you. I'm excited. Do you feel inspired that there is another wave of like sitcoms based on stand-ups lives with the success of Leanne on Netflix? I do. I think Leanne's hysterical. I like binge watch everything she does, yeah. I love her as a person, too. I don't know her personally. She's a delight. She's a delight and so incredibly genuine. That's what I've heard from everybody.

She hasn't changed yet. Like, as a mom and a grandmother now just goes to her head. She just comes like a complete bitch. Yeah, I think it's an interesting time to see, like, what, if this wave could come back. Because remember when it was so popular. and people were getting development deals that had no reason to get a development deal but you get a little chunk of money

and then the show wouldn't go but you know back when it's like there's always such a copycat thing so I like remember when like you know Seinfeld hit then and then everyone loves Raymond those were like good but then it was just it seemed like everybody

like who's our Seinfeld oh I'm you know I'm the Boston Polish guy let's do a show about a Boston Polish family or whatever. Yeah, you used to need like four minutes to have a fucking TV show. You needed four minutes of stand-up.

You basically just have to go on TV and be like, I'm Russian and like, you do the math. I'm like a fun-loving shrug. And that would be your entire act. And then they would give you a TV show based on that. So true. I always said like you had to have like, like, yeah, four minutes on a platter.

Yes. Spelling it out. Yeah. That it's like, let me tell you. My dad's from here. My mom's from there. Aye. Yeah.

Yeah. And that was it. Just fucking million. Just hurled a million dollars. right at your dumb face, but then you would go on tour and fucking bomb because you had no act. I remember there was this girl during that time. Also, the same girl started like how I did in L.A. And so people would say, well, like how you got to get up every night. You can in New York. You know, how are you doing this? I'm like, I don't know, but like people have approached me and

said, I think you have a sitcom in you because I did. Like I worked with my parents. I would do my mom's voice. I had these, you know, these brothers that were kind of crazy and inept. I had, you know, all the, I did have all the makings for it. I still do. And, but it's just different now. Now it's, you know, husband, kids, whatever. But, no, even my aunt grew up near your family. And she was like, she was like, oh, the McDonald's.

They're very exciting. They are very exciting. She was like almost angry about it. She's like, they're a fun family. They're fucking interesting, Rachel. Lois said so. Yeah. And I also think, well, this was one of the jokes this girl had.

And I don't know where she is, what she's doing. listening to this it's her joke whoever she is and the joke was I'm half Irish half I don't even know how to say it what okay Denmark is in Holland right so what Danish okay I'm half Irish half Danish so that means I get drunk and drive into a windmill and that and then she got a show I had every joke I had was like that by the way when I started it was just like I have ADD and bulimia, so I go into the bathroom. But I'm like, what did I come in here for? I don't know.

I'm going to the mall. Like every single thing I wrote was like that. It was like, and yeah, and yeah, fun loving shrug sitcom. Yes. Yeah, that's how it used to be. Yeah. I think like, thank, I mean, in a way I'm like, thank God I didn't change my aggressively Jewy name because that didn't happen to me.

And I don't think like, yeah, Rachel Feinstein. Isn't it like, it needs to be like, I feel like I have a name that doesn't immediately people don't want. like it's not like a hot name i'm gonna regret everything i'm saying right now but yeah i mean jews were not known for our hot names i'm sorry yeah like there's not a lot of like susan weintrabs and porn but i feel like back then i feel like no idea what my point is no but i do kind of feel like back that i felt that when i would go to the comedy store back then that it was all jewish comedians and i felt like oh if i had a really funny barmits for a bit right maybe i would get

something because it was just like no there's plenty of jews and comedy i'm only talking about my name right not like the most beautiful name like not not the most like yeah like like people change their names you know what i mean like john stewart is i mean john stewart was like john stewart i don't know i think it was jeff left shelf john stewart jeff's a good friend of mine but i'm not i'm just just saying jeff's john stewart was i don't know john lebowitz or some shit i don't know what he was but yeah right so i'm saying sometimes they they kind of like there's just a name that's a little bit So I don't think that comedy has a lack of Jews in it. No, I think, but I do think a good name is a good name if you're willing to change it.

I always remember there was, the story was there was this comedian named Andrea Abbott. Uh-huh. And the story was that wasn't her name. Uh-huh. But she changed it so that when people would look for actresses to hire in like the sag after book, like there's literally a book, she would be at the top of the list because of having a double A name. Oh, that's a really good point, though. Those things matter.

They do. I mean, then they did now. I don't think, you know. Yeah, but like sometimes that shit matters. So, yeah, even when I named my special big guy, which is named after my, because my husband calls me big guy, but I still was thinking A, B, C. Like, I'm, you know, also I run a little dumb. So that is also why I'm thinking of things like that.

All right, you guys, fall is in full swing. And I know it's the perfect time to refresh your wardrobe and get those pieces that feel good and look good, but also have great quality and really. elevate your style. We are talking luxury, fancy lady, that effortless look. Quince has it all. Think 100% Mongolian cashmere from $50 washable silk tops and skirts to perfectly tailored denim all at prices that feel too good to be true. Quince cuts out the middlemen to deliver luxury quality pieces at half the price of similar brands, which we love. I just got the cutest cashmere sweater. It is that light Heather gray type of color that I love, and it's so soft. I love it, and it's so

classic. Keep it classy and cozy this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince. Go to quince.com for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash juicy to get free shipping and 365-day returns, quince.com slash juicy. Hello, you guys, it's Heather McDonald, and I have a juicy Scoop for you on Audible. I've been loving their romance collection. They are a leading creator and provider of premium audio storytelling and they've got this down. Romance fans are among their most engaged and voracious listeners. So there is nothing guilty about this pleasure. There's more to imagine when you listen and they have audiobooks to satisfy every side of you. Audible has modern rom-coms by Lily Chew and Ali Hazelwood and titles from the romanticcy genre that is going crazy right now, like the ones taking over book talk.

We're talking about authors like Devney Perry and Sarah J. Mass. Plus, you can get into classic regency favorites like Pride and Prejudice or all the really steamy stuff. I mean, imagine a dalliance with a Duke or a sexy billionaire. You can find a book boyfriend in the city on a hockey rink or find love in another realm with drive. When it comes to what romance you're into, you can't be pinned down. So here's your invitation to have it all. Get your first great love story for free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at Audible.com.

I also think that's a great idea if you're thinking about a child's name because, you know, I remember my daughter's name is McKinsey, my other son's name is Brandon, and then Drake. And you know what? Drake was the first one to be able to spell it because it's fucking five letters. Yeah, it's easy. So, like, you know, oh, Max knew how to spell his name at, you know, four. I would hope so, Max. I would hope so.

So if you're into bragging about your kid, think about these things when you give them a hard name with like an accent mark and, you know, two things. Yes. My daughter's Frankie, so it's not that hard. Well, her real name is Elena Francis Brennan, but we call her Frankie. But she, yeah, that's not that bad. That's not that hard. Yeah, she can, I think she can swing that. wants to be a cashier anyway so she's going to be fine yeah her goals aren't too lofty how old is she now she's

five um i love okay so you have a daughter i i raised you know my stepdaughter as well but i do identify more if i'm on the spectrum of identity as a boy mom because the majority of my years of raising children were just these two boys being crazy and my husband and i do feel that If I was able to have raised a husband and two sons before I ever started dating, I would have been a beast. I would have known exactly, nothing would have hurt my feelings. Yeah. I would have known, I know, I know, girls, I'm just telling you.

You've tracked these, excuse me, pigs again, you're a marvelous young lady. But you've, you know, you watch them from the beginning and you know how they work. And I look back and I'm like, I can't believe that I ever thought that a guy was. was even thinking about this at all. Yeah, that's the thing I do realize with my husband, because you know when you go back in time and you're like, when you go back to your first date and you're like, oh, when you did this, I thought this.

And my husband wasn't thinking. There's no inner monologue. If you opened his brain, like it was a canister, there'd be like a giant's t-shirt and like a potato inside. Like remember when you were like going to prom or whatever with whether you like the guy or not and you're like thinking, I bet he's wondering what my dress is going to look like

and what color it is. Unless he's gay, he was not wondering. Yeah. He was just like, what time do I have to be there? And if I like you, like, I hope we make out or get to finger you or something. That's my husband in a nutshell. There's no secondary thought ever. There's no second thought. Like if you, I'm telling you, if you opened up his head, there would just be like a cross and like, yeah, and like a lighter in it or something, like a big lighter. I think the big problem is, is that women hype each other up too much. Mm-hmm. And they constantly are telling each other that you deserve and you need somebody

deserve something better and kick him to the curb and he doesn't care about you. And so then when you're like getting in a fight with your husband, you're like, if this was filmed and the world sought, they would be like, run for the hills. He's horrible. But if you also just think he's not a woman. He's not a woman. He's not your girlfriend. He's not your friend. He's not your sister. He's not your mother. Every fight I've ever had my husband, he has no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. and usually he gets kind of sleepy in the middle because he yeah he just he just gets kind of fatigued nothing makes my husband have a good night sleep like me sobbing like I'm just crying and he's just like nodding off because he truly has no idea what the fuck I'm talking about what I need what I want

it's anyone's guess in his mind he just gets real yeah he just goes he's he's out like a light when I start weeping I'm just going to say you're not going to get your needs net no by marrying a man and also a straight man if you want to have a lavender marriage I totally see the appeal They are just the best phrase ever. You haven't heard about a lavender marriage. It's making a comeback. I get it. Because gay men are sick of other gay men.

They're like, I've had enough. They suck. And then women are just like, well, I don't want a straight man that like doesn't, you know. So they're like, why don't we go back to like the 50s when like lavender marriage has happened and people were happy. They still fucked enough to have a couple kids. Yeah. And then, but then they were like best friends.

They went antiquing. I will say, and Teaking is amazing. I will say that when I was, for some reason, when I was dating online, I attracted a lot of gay men and I would have the best banter with them

and then I get so excited because they would be funny. I'd be like, oh, this, he's hilarious. So they were gay, but they were still like hoping to get married to a woman and hide it or they didn't know they were gay?

Totally in the closet. I didn't, didn't, I mean, in my mind, there's no way they didn't know, but they weren't admitting it to themselves on some level. But I had so many times where, because I get so excited

and I'm such like a fucking hopeless, dumb, dumb, romantic. and I would be on the road and I would go back and forth of these guys on Texas and by the end of the weekend I was just like fucking humping every pillow available

I was like this man is my husband he's hilarious he's fucking hot and I get to the date and he was like smart pencil skirt and I'm like no fucking man that wants to be inside

a woman knows what a pencil skirt is not one they would know what a pencil skirt is one guy said smart pencil skirt what do you think if you had to guess what describe what a straight pencil skirt would look like

on a woman I have no idea Yeah, you're not supposed to Just try Just try for a hundred dollars Just try It's like it doesn't go out as much Okay, pretty good

Not bad Where does it Where does it hit the leg Where on the leg does it What do you mean low? Like here halfway? No, not really It's right under the knee

He guessed mid-calf That's called T length God get with it Yeah Yeah Obviously you don't like dick whatever not cool um i feel disgusting i'm sorry i always about like i remember thinking like there was a now thank god my husband and i kind of have we do have our own bathrooms which

has been the greatest thing about this house but throughout the years i was like he has watched me put on my makeup yeah forever and i'm like peter do you think that you could like identify what these items are if you had to, being that we've, like, traveled, you've seen it, laying around, which has irritated you, you know? And he was like, no. And I'm like, I mean, how can you not, like, know that this is for, like, eyelashes and mascara? And then I thought, but I don't know how to do anything in the house. I mean, I know what a screwdriver, I would not know how to fix something. I don't want to. I don't want to learn. I feel so back because my daughter is, like, how come daddies can fix things? My momies can't fix anything. And I'm like, because that's, that's true in

our home she's just like how come daddy knows how to fix all of my toys and whenever something breaks you just go ask daddy i'm just like such a dumb hole in that way i'm just like i don't know ask dad i'm the fun one all right but i am the fun one too and i that's exactly what i was attracted to yeah peter likes to some of the some of the beautiful traits he has i felt like i picked a good match because i found this guy that did everything that i hated to do yeah just blew off and procrastinated about and also didn't know how to do. So right off the bat, he had told me that he had like taken down like a whole cabinet in his condo himself and like made it more of an open concept kitchen. Yeah, see, that puts me to sleep, but I need it done. But I need it done. But I was like,

but I was like, yeah, because my mom always said, find someone who's handy, you know. Then it was, because my dad wasn't, but he was the, he was, what was wrong with my dad is he wasn't handy. But he thought he was. Yes. And so then when we move next door to my parents, my mom was like having a covert relationship with my husband because she would be like, Peter, it's Pam. Bob's going to the VA at 2 o'clock. Can you come over here and change these light bulbs? He's, he will, I don't need him going on a flatter and falling off and done it up. And then I just remember what time I did I go, I just hear what time I heard my dad like in the background we don't need fucking peter here to fix it and i'm like yeah we do like what are you doing dad like stop with the ego like my mom does that my my husband by my dad knows because he's a jew like

jews aren't known for fixing things oh my god so my sister married a jew michael goldstein nicest best husband ever and i do say that right in front of peter's a lot of sweet jewish husbands oh my god for fixing but they're my mom always said that too she was she would say jewish husbands they they they give the best gifts to their wives she was so jealous of her friends that was married to Jewish guys. And it's true, my sister always has, like, a beautiful Todd's new handbag or Pataga, or, like, he goes to, like, a real jewelry store.

Yeah, my dad was not like that, but I think there are, like, the higher-end Jewish people. We were, like, the kind of, we were a little jacked up, our family, yeah. Like, we had a car. None of the doors worked on the car, because my mom was so, my mom, whenever she would go to the mechanic,

she would come back and she'd be like, Salvatore has an autistic son. And so I'm like, what the fuck does that have to do with our car? And she would, yeah, my mom would just basically spend all our whole college funds at the mechanic. And we would just have the same busted, jacked up car. None of the doors worked. The only door that even would open was the back door, but there was no springs on it. It would just fall and slam shut.

So I was dropped off. This should make a lot of sense of why I'm a comedian and one of the many things that went around in my life. My dad would drop me off at, like, high school. And they called the Feinstein Barfmobile because it smelled like puke because my brother puked in it so much in vacation. which were to the fucking Liz Claiborne outlet because my mom needed to get, you know, new pumps or whatever. So he would put a broomstick up. That's how he would hold it up.

And then we'd all have to climb up because there was no springs out the back door of the car and come back in. Yeah, so. My dad just used a lot of masking tape and like a free weight. Like a, you know, one of those big round weights that you would put on like a like that? Yeah.

So there'd always be like, let's put this weight over here with some masking tape. and somehow, I don't know. Give me an example of one of the things he would use a freeway. It's so funny. I don't even know. I just remember, like, I can literally see the freeway, just being, like, just hold this here, and I still was, like, helping with it.

And then when I could drive, we would, I was so bad at going and getting what was asked of me from Ace Hardware. Ace Hardware was the store. I hate those stories. I don't, I always wondered if the guy that owned the Ace Hardware mirror house was like a trust fund multi-millionaire because there would be so many people working there and I was like how does this place survive like there are so many people helping but even with all

the people helping I would still go and then come home my dad would be like that's the wrong thing and I have to go back to Ace Hardware like this is the wrong it's a one and a half da da da da da not a one and one fourth quarter what that's a that's like a biblical pilgrimage have to go back. Go back to Ace Hardware. Multiple times. Oh, God, Heather. I mean, it was just.

Look at you. You're a fucking flower. You don't deserve to have to make multiple trips to fucking, yeah. That's crossing a fucking desert in biblical times. It was horrible. Horrible. You don't belong there. Look at you.

No, I don't. Fucking sweet daisy. It's all I, yeah, I absolutely hate it. And now, and now, like, you know, sometimes I have to wake up, like, early in the morning and just decide, like, shit needs to be put away and cleaned up. Oh, that's my husband's whole fucking mood. Oh, my God, that's my whole life.

He gets up in his fucking real fucking manic, hypomanic, fucking state. And he's just like, yeah, we got to start getting shit squared away. I'm like, get the fuck out of my room. Like, I just came home from fucking Orlando. Like, I need a fucking break. I did five shows, and I just, my husband just gets up, just got to start cracking away. When I left, that's what he was doing. That's why I was telling you.

He's like, yeah, we got to, you know what we need, we need a gondola. And he says it in the dumbest way. where I'm like, maybe we do, but whatever you're going to invent. A gondola, like a boat? Like, no, not a gondola. Sorry, I'm so dumb. What's the other one that, you know, I'm asking the man in the room. This is so stupid.

What? I get it mixed up with the, I imagine it your house in New York with like an Italian gondola. What's the, oh, what's an over? God, I'm stupid. Oh, oh, I know you. A gazebo. Not a gazebo.

It's like, it's like a, it goes off the back of your house and it's like a piece of something that you go in the shade and you relax under it it's like it's a gazebo maybe it's a gazebo but there's another word no but i know what you mean a veranda veranda yeah veranda kind of thing okay but whatever it was whatever the word is my husband sound even dumber than i sound right now saying it somehow he was like oh we need a fucking veranda and i'm like no we don't because you're going to bring four firemen over here and they're going to just paint fucking jordan peterson blowing the founding fathers on top of this veranda like just give me a beat and let me find something nice so he just wants to explode everything and build everything and then he would but he would just make things heinous he would

just paint like a giant he our house would look like a commemorative coin shop if he and the fireman designed it and i'm like i need five minutes so that it's not heinous you know but he just gets up and it's like he wants to just fucking get cracking away i don't relate he likes to put together furniture and stuff i'm like and i'm like do you don't realize like yeah okay maybe i left like a purse or a pump downstairs or a shoe or whatever, I'm like, but everywhere I walk is like a rogue screwdriver, a, what are you, a screwdriver that makes, that's electric. Yeah.

There's always like just one glove, like on the patio table. Looks like somebody just gets freshly murdered somebody in the house. Like, it's just like, I'm like, I could just walk around with like a basket, like a giant shoes, like just. And so I'm like, so now since you like freaking woke up at 4.30 a.m., for some weird reason, now we all have to suffer. Every time my husband gets in this mood, I'm just like, were you molested?

I say that to him with everything, because when he starts fucking hammering me with his OCD shit, I'm like, who hurt you? Was it a priest or a family friend? I'm not doing this with you right now. I need two fucking more hours. I had a late show last night. I mean, I know.

It just does not work out. I need to perform for drunk twice. No, sometimes he'll start and I'm like, what's good is I got to a place where I just would go, now I go, I can't talk about this because I've, in an hour and a half, I have to record. Yes. I have to record.

I have to be a funny delight. And you're stressing me out and you're like I don't want to talk about curtains or whatever right now. You know? And so we always say that. But I will say with my sons. So I think it's great that he puts them to work. What's the point of having a 6-5 and a 6-3 human that came out of your crotch if they can't do shit for you? I'm in it.

Yes. So it's like I'm all for like ordering them. around. However, they still are my babies. And I do feel like sometimes, so the thing that makes my husband go crazy is hands in your pockets. Get your hands out of your pockets. So he'll be explaining something of what he wants them to do. And they just inadvertently have put their hands in their pockets. And he's like, why are you putting your hands in your pockets? Why are you putting your hands? And I'm like, oh my God. So then what time Drake was like, I'm like, what are you doing, Drake and he goes, oh, I'm just looking for pants that don't have pockets. I don't want to trigger

dad next time we'll work. I was like, oh my God, this is so hilarious. Did you tell your husband that? Did you feel bad? I was like, I go, hey, dad wants to do some construction. So can you guys just wear my lulu lemon leggings? They don't have hands and they don't have pockets you can put on because I don't want you to inadvertently put your hand in your pocket wise. He's explaining what you have to like move in the yard. Like God, like they're not like they're not fucking on their phone while you're talking. They just put their hand in their pocket. The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox is an eight-episode Hulu Original Limited series that blends gripping pacing

with emotional complexity, offering a dramatized look as it revisits the wrongful conviction of Amanda Knox for the tragic murder of Meredith Kircher and the relentless media storm that followed. The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox is now streaming only on Disney Plus. Bank more oncours when you switch to a Scotia Bank banking package. Learn more at scotiabank.com slash banking packages. Conditions apply. Scotia Bank, you're richer than you think.

During the Volvo Fall Experience event, discover exceptional offers and thoughtful design that leaves plenty of room for autumn adventures. And see for yourself how Volvo's legendary safety brings peace of mind to every crisp morning commute. This September, 26 Xe 90 plug-in hybrid from $599 biweekly at 3.99% during the Volvo Fall Experience event. Conditions supply, visit your local Volvo retailer or go to explorevolvo.com.

Yeah, I never knew that. It even fell under the umbrella of impolite anything. Yeah, I've never heard of this. You can't have hands in your pockets. Yeah. Yeah, if you were like, yeah, if you had your phone, if you were on porn hob or something maybe, but yeah, your hands in your pockets, I didn't even know that was like a polite, like a sin in polite school. I can't think of any words today. I'm just worried this. Oh, my God. But I do love your story about how you say your daughter, though. She's only five because I love talking about the differences between my friends who raised

girls or raising girls and the boys. Oh, it's not even on the same plan. And especially when they get older. I mean, at all stages, I have, you know, bits in myself and my stand-up when I noticed the differences of when they were younger. And now, of course, it's a whole different thing as they are adults. And the biggest thing is the communication between a girl mom who's got a girl in high school or college versus us raising boys.

And if anybody was to read the text exchange between myself and my sons, you would say, Heather, this guy is not that into you. Like, when are you going to get the hint that he, like, it's literally like all these things, you know, I love you and then it's just like a K or nothing. And I'm like if it was anybody other than a man that I have birthed, I'd be like fuck you. Fuck this dude. Like what

do you want for me? Like anybody would tell you blow off this guy he does not care about you. The opposite with the girls is that the amount of times that a girl mom's daughter has like ruined a like a sorority

weekend with like my adult friends like where the teenager is calling all the time and the girl is she like crying drama there's just always something there's just a bit always something one time my friend finally did realize that she called her she's had to her daughter she goes she goes carlin i just i'm with hether right now and she just reminded me this is the fourth girl's trip that you have like derailed like it was like one time it was a boyfriend breakup one time it was like they got caught drinking on the boat another time it was like something went wrong at the house another time it was like something with her ex-husband like i don't

no but it was always related and the girl is like such a delight and they have such great relationship but sure I've heard it from everybody I'm like waiting because I'm like five I'm I have a five-year-old and I've heard all the warnings I mean at this stage I understand it way better so this stage for it's like more fun for me but I dropped her but I have all the warnings about when she's a teenager I'm fucking terrified but I took her to class I took her to her nursery school and I'm sure I'll get shit for saying this but um the girls were playing these very complicated somewhat manipulative games and like they had costumes on the boys were just slamming into each other and i thought it was a special class i was like is this what what are those why are they

here like they were just slamming into each that was the whole game that was just they slam onto each other and they stop slamming their bodies against each other they were like deep emergency morons in my humble opinion okay so i was like my friend was explained to me she's like no that's just the way they are because she has like three little boys and and they're they came to stay with me. I was like, oh, bring the whole family over. They were punching each other in the face and stuff. I was like, what's going on?

You know, my daughter is just a lot of like, she's judging me. She's like knows. She's a lot of opinions about everything. She also gives me tips that I feel like she shouldn't know about my own life, which almost hurts more than the judgment. Like the other day, she was like, she was just watching me try to get out the door. Like whenever I have to go somewhere, she watches me get ready. And I could just see she's just kind of like taking it all apart.

My systems. And I have no systems. Okay. So when you watch me, it's just a joke. She goes, Mommy, I think your problem is that you have too many bags. And I was like, fuck, she's right. Like, she should not know this. She's just like, yeah, you keep starting things.

And then there's too many bags started so you don't know where things are. And then she just goes, ugh. Like, yeah. And then she just kind of walked out. Like, I'm never going to get through to her. I joke. I joke about this on stage, but it's true. She sighs a lot.

And I'm like, you have to earn a sigh in life. Like you can sigh like that when you're going through like a toxic divorce or something. Like, she just. gets up. She's five. What problems does she have? And she's like, oh, God. Like, she fell off the bed once and she still talks about it. Like, it was an old drinking story. She's like, oh, that was crazy that night when I fell off the bed. Like, I don't remember anything after a good night moon. Like, she acts like she's lived this kind of long, sort of boozy, long suffering life. And I'm like, you have no issues. I just serve you food that you reject because

it served on the wrong color plate. Right. But that's what it feels like, for me, personally, I'm sure I'll get shit for saying this. But my daughter is just like, I feel like, I feel like, I live with this kind of older woman that dissects a lot of what I do all day. And she's hilarious, but like, and she doesn't mess my shit up, really. But she's just way more aware that I was, I was not prepared for this. Like, she is thinking about all of it, everything. Yeah. And that's what I think is just so, like, really interesting when you do start to raise a child.

And it's like you understand whether they're girls or boys or whatever. you so much like makes sense like you do learn a lot as a parent about just society in general as you're like raising someone and you're like oh my god why did I like stress about that you know and then you try to like tell your kid like this shit doesn't matter high school doesn't matter like you know just that's like the whole other thing I'm just like I really struggle yeah to teach her lesson like I I because I I come up with these perfect monologues and I I'm so proud of myself, like just how gently I handled something. But I feel like she doesn't listen to any of that.

She kind of dismisses that. She just does what she sees anyway. So that's something I feel like I struggle with, like, as a parent is that I try to like, I'll try to solve something and give her this lovely monologue. But she's just already made her mind up. You know what I mean? Yeah. So now with your firefighter husband, last time you're on, we kind of like talked about

like how you guys fell in love and everything. And but I want to know more. because I'm going to ask kind of like the uncomfortable question, which is, of course, he, you know, doesn't cheat. But what do you think about how firefighters have such a bad reputation of being philanderers? I mean, half of my act is just like mocking firemen. So, I mean, it's not like, I feel like the reason now. They say firemen, police. Yeah, I feel like half of my crowd is now like first respond.

families and like firefighter families. And I feel like I give them a lot of like I give I just mock the guys all the time. But I feel like they don't care. They're a lot like comedians. Yeah, yeah. So yes, a lot of whatever like they're not look. I mean, I say this exact line in my special. I say imagine if your husband was spending the night with 12 dumbest friends for half your

marriage. Like you think it's good. You think they come back, you know, with better ideas. No, my husband goes for like one 24 hour shift and I'll come home and it'll be like Vinny says, you know, the earth's not necessarily round or whatever. He made some, you know, he did his research on that. So, yeah, no, I'm not here to like, like, spread the news that they're just the wisest bunch of the, they're what you would expect if a bunch of guys are spending the night with each other, you know what I'm saying? However, that what does work in my marriage is that they're, they're like comedians because they, you know, they go spend the night at this house for half the week.

They can't work on holidays all the time. They say unspeakable things to each other because they sit around at a table, you know. and so he doesn't every guy that I've been with has thought it was fun that I do this until I'm really doing it and they're really with me and it's you know I'm missing things and I'm missing weddings and I'm missing stuff you know and he's the first guy that doesn't give a shit he's almost like an accidental feminist and make make sure you know that my husband probably think that's a great Instagram name if someone hasn't taken it accidental feminist yeah yeah because my husband probably thinks feminists are like Nazis but I'm sure he does he's probably like oh I heard that

ladies are feminists down the road like he probably thinks they're fucking Nazis but he almost is because he doesn't care what I do like I'm on my own yeah and I think it's because he loves his life as a fireman like they all got plenty of issues because of what they see on the job right and I relate very much and have learned so much from a lot of mostly women some men that come to my shows that are married to and they explain things to me even think that are happening in my own home. Like, I'll joke about him being, like, extreme OCD and these kind of drills he does with me in the mornings.

And they're like, that's because he does that at the firehouse. I'm like, oh, okay. Like, so, yeah, they explain things to me. My dad was the fire chief in Long Beach, Long Island, New York. And he said his earliest memory, his earliest memory was him being with his dad and the friends, and they were giving him alcohol. and he was like a toddler and every time he'd fall they would like laugh and like give him more

and they're like bring Bobby over or whatever and I was like and my dad was like telling us about it my mom's like that's absolutely horrible like you're like a baby you know and he's just like no it was fun they liked it when I like came by and I'm like wait what well it's almost like okay Being in the fire department is a lot like, I'm sure I'm going to start getting shit for some of the shit I say, but the fireman don't generally care. But now that he's chief, I should probably watch my mouth. Oh, he's a fire chief now. Now he's a chief. That's sexy. It is kind of. Yeah. He pisses me off that I'm like, oh, that uniform is kind of cute. Yeah. Yeah. People salute him. And I'm into all that shit. Yeah. I like a uniform. I like all of that kind of stuff. Yeah. And then when I come by the firehouse, they treat me better than he treats me. It's because like the cheese fucking wife, you know, so I'm property of the fire department now. And so they like make me whatever snacks I want. That's the other problem with having a girl is that when she comes to the firehouse or the challenge for me is because she talks to every man now because she grew up in a firehouse and I have to teach her men are bad.

Like I can't get it through to her. I'm like, no, don't talk to them all. You should be suspicious. No, she talks to every guy because she thinks that because she goes by the firehouse, they give her anything she wants, you know? She just sits back in her fucking, she sits like where they call. things in in the radio and um she sits in this little kind of booth and they play for her they have like moana two on she's like no i said one next two like she orders them around and they're just like

bring her sweets all day so she thinks that's men in general you know because they do that because her dad's the daddy's the chief yeah how would you know so then when we go into like an uber or something she'd be like hi can you put this on for me put the disney soundtrack and and she talks to them like they're just going to give her everything she wants and that's the opposite you want your kid to think I'm like, no, strangers are bad. She's like, not the guys at the firehouse. Yeah, they put on my movies and my playlist for me, actually. So I'm trying to really get, I try to, I'm trying to get some seed of doubt into her that men are not great.

She needs to be suspicious of them at this age, you know? Yeah, like, I was. My dad used to take me to Orioles games and I saw that men would piss in that circular fucking troth. After that, that's all it took. I was like, I don't trust any of you. That you're cool with this, just piss against some circular fucking disgusting. You are all pigs. After that, I didn't even, I wouldn't look at him for a long time after that.

I wonder if we did it on purpose. Do you know what I'm talking about? That little circular bath. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, where is the bath? What do you mean? In the bathroom?

There's like a troth in some places and they, like not just separate urinals, but in the, he had to take me in the men's bathroom because I guess my mom wasn't there. So it was like a big circular tub. Yeah. It was a piss tub and they would all stand around it and piss like towards each other. different than the trough that the pea trough thing yes because it was circular which i found no foul yeah and i saw that and i was like so you guys are cool with this you're all disgusted and that did it for me but i i have to do something to sort of teach my daughter i remember my dad would try to like explain

because he just loved talking and he would like try to explain like what's going on like with whatever some sports team or some manager and my sister and i would be so bored and be like you know what because like we weren't paying attention and you'd be like you know what some guy is going to be really turned off by the fact that you're not interested in this and I was like okay guess what it wasn't a problem

that you weren't interested in sports that's hilarious not a problem like not an issue do you imagine if like women were like pissed off that their husband like didn't know who you know Derinda Medley was

from Real Housewives of New York like I'm sorry I'm sorry. How can you not know one of the four fathers of Bravo TV? Like we would be, they would be like, okay. Yeah, because if you know that, you don't want to be inside us. That's what I think. Yeah, exactly. So I'm like, no, guys don't really care. They don't know. Yeah, they don't care. I completely agree with that. But your dad, did you go by the firehouse a lot as a kid? No, no, it was my grandpa. No, so my dad wasn't part of it. Right. Just the grandpa was. The grandpa was like dead before I was bored. Oh, okay. And no, but I think it was really cool and like I love like the old fashioned photo that they that you know which they had it was so long ago because my dad is past and he had me at 45 so like this is a really long time ago but I think it's so I mean I think it's you know obviously so cool and great and I always just like wonder about you know like you know it's if you want to find a guy I think it's a really easy thing to do if you have like a child or something and then you're like oh I just want to bring my son over to see the big fire

I always think about that. Yeah, like it's such an easy way to do it. Also, people take their kids by the, I'm just out there trying to, you know, think about other sort of, because I did a lot of my life was just spent trying to find a guy. So taking hot tips, going to steakhouses because I heard men hang out at steakhouses, that kind of shit. You too? I was always looking because I had to look in a really concentrated way because then it was like work, work, work, look for a man. Yeah. Oh, wait, finish your story because then I have a funny. No, I want to know what you did. I don't have. Okay. I have like mentioned this on the show before, but it's making a comeback because there's a really funny, like, Instagram or TikTok or something, where they have found,

I guess they're real VHS tapes of video dating from like... Oh, wait, I saw these. They're amazing. They're so funny. They're hilarious. I love these. Oh, my God. Okay, so I did real estate, right?

And I was doing real estate with my parents, and I had some money, okay? and I did two things without money to find a husband. What are they? The first was $1,100. This is so long ago. This is like 28 years ago. $1,100 to join Sports Club L.A., which was the most fabulous, exciting, workout, rich person thing in the heart of like... Is it still open?

Probably not. been bought by somebody else. But this guy that I went to college with told me, Heather, if you're looking for a rich, like, executive type guy that's like in the industry, you have to join sports cabalais. So I did. I remember I didn't even know how to write $1,100. Like, I'd never written a check that much in my life to join that. And it had valet parking and I had a pool up there. And I would go there like at the end of the day and sometimes get dinner. And like the, it had a restaurant with like wine. Did you meet? Did you meet people? people? Because my thing was, I'd go there, but then I get too shy when I was there all the time.

Really? The director. Oh my God. And like, you know, and I would just go and like do my thing and hope that someone didn't come up to me and say I was doing it wrong, you know, because I didn't know what I was doing. And, um, or that they did. I met, I went on a date with like, I went out with the doctor. I did go on some dates. I met, actually I met like a handful of guys that I dated from there, but nobody was good. So then the next thing I did after that was, Literally, it was on Sepulveda, on the other side of Sepulveda, right around like, let me think, Santa Maka Boulevard in between, okay? So this is kind of like around like Westwood, UCLA, like on your way to Century City area for

people that don't know. Anyway, was a place called Great Expectations. Yeah. And that was like $2,500 to join. Oh, wait, was it a gym called Great Expectations? No, this is the dating service. This is where you do the VHS tapes. Oh.

And I was 25 when I joined, and it was my 25th birthday. Did you find the tape? I don't know where my tape is, no. Great expectations if you're out there. I mean, if somebody hasn't. I want to see your tape. We've got to find it. I bet you we can find it.

So anyway, I remember my dad and mom took me out to birthday. And I remember exactly what I wore. It was my 25th birthday. We went to Joffreys by the C because my birthday is June 14th. Joffrey's like right in Malvo. and I said I'm I joined this thing to because I'm like I don't want to like wake up at 30 and not be married I want to I want to have kids and I want to get married and I want to find like a quality person that's like I knew I wasn't going to find them at the groundleys or that the improv yeah

because none of those guys were good no nothing grosses me out more than a man with like a headshot like I'm and then oh I said and the one so then I was so then I was going to try to go for like the Like, I really did want to find, like, an industry Jewish guy that, like, was like, oh, look at my funny Shiksa and, like, let's get her a sitcom. That was my initial goal. I made, I met a guy at a party who was a William Morris agent, and I went up and gave him my VHS tape of, like, my one woman's show, and we, like, ended up making out in his office. And then he never sent me out on anything. And I was like, can I get my VHS tape back? Like, it was awful.

And so I was always thinking like that that would work for me. There was this guy named Joel Gallen. He was a big, I think that's his name. He produced like. Joel is such a smear of a name. Anyway, he produced, and I'm not going to say anything bad about him, so I'm going to use the name because there's nothing bad about the story about him, just kind of embarrassing. Anyway, he was like producing Jenny McCarthy's like sketch comedy show and he was doing like

a lot of like I think he does a lot of stand of specials and stuff and Jennifer Coolidge was my friend at the time and she and I was like always like looking for like a traditional guy like I was like the traditional Catholic girl at like at the groundlings it just like wanted to like have a normal life you know and then somebody just can me a sitcom you know anyway and so she calls me and she's like hey Heather I was trying to this guy I think he'd be a really good match for you and um you know so she sets up the date so i meet him at the dinner and right off the bat he was like i could tell he was disappointed because he was like now this is before you can chook it every this is why i have to remind young people this before you could just look up

someone's instagram you know google whatever she just had to say there's this girl she's really funny i think you'd like her and she's pretty whatever that's what she probably said. So I meet him for dinner and he does recognize me from probably a showcase or something. Maybe that's why he was disappointing. Yeah, he couldn't have been disappointed in your look. I don't know. He was probably why he was trying to. He was probably doing some math in his head like she's hot but she's in the industry and I'm worried about that. Yes. So maybe I don't but right away he's like oh I think I remember like I've met you are of senior stuff or something and I was like oh so we sit down and like I could tell like he's not interested though I would have gone on

another date with him because I was like you know I wasn't someone to like just immediately be like no way if I thought they were like kind of normal and then and then I remember like we start talking about the industry and I'm like giving ideas and whatever I think is funny or good or whatever and then he goes well who are some funny male writers that you know like who are some funny male writers that you know like who are some funny writers I need to hire some funny writers and I'm like I'm a writer

he asked you for fucking oh I'm like I'm a writer but instead of saying that I was like oh and then I just start like listing off guys that I think are funny and all that so then I just remember coming back to my apartment in Santa Monica and Jennifer leaving me a message

like on my answer we've seen that she was like hey uh I talked to Joel and um you know and it was so basically it was like a letdown and i've already called her and i'm like your call was like every like letdown from an agent like they're going to go in a different direction energy but they just want to go in a different direction yeah he thinks you're great he thinks that you're talented you know it just it wasn't a it wasn't a match this wasn't your this wasn't your job to get like anything that you could say um but yeah so then so i did this

video yeah and they asked me things and now listen I would I don't think I was I was not like I still have things wrong with my face and so I was not like a fucking perfect like Julia Roberts looking person but I guess just because I was like kind of younger yeah it was besieged with people wanting to meet me I mean hundreds I like I went it you're supposed to go in it's like a library you're supposed to go in and say, oh, hey, I just want to see, like, does anybody, is anyone interested in me? And then you can, like, look at their photo. And then if you're interested, you can go in this room and they'll give you their tapes and

you just go through their tapes and you're like, okay, I would like to meet them or not. There were so many. I was like, I don't even know where to begin. Like, this is. It sounds exhausting. It was exhausting. So then I go, can you just, like, direct me? Do you know who these people are?

I said to the girl, and can you just give me, like, five people, like, worth daily? So basically, I do. did. And then if I would get these people, then they would want to go out with me. And I could ignore it or I could give them a reason. And so sometimes I would say, to now at this point, there were so many people to choose from. I was like, okay, let me just find someone Catholic or Christian because I'm not going to like convert whatever. So then not a limited same people, but one time there was this person and didn't go to college. And I just was like, educate, I just clicked like education. And then they could write like a horrible or nice,

letter to you like pleading their case and then it would get mailed to you a not like they didn't know where you're they the guy didn't know your address but then the company would like mail you yeah because the guy would come make a seat out of your skin yeah yeah can't let the guy know your address so i remember like open the letter and it was just like this super me like now i get them every day you know being in this business but this is before like instagram they always say like girls can't let go or girls are needy i every i every time i you know you know i every time you're I go on a like a bumble date and I wasn't into the guy I just like wouldn't call him again but the guys if I didn't if or if the guy blew me off I would get it right away and that would be it I would accept I've just I think we're more prepped as women to just accept like a stream of rejection yeah I would just not I wouldn't even think I would I would get hurt but I would never think to contact him but I when I would go out with a guy I and I didn't call him again I get these long fucking furious just like taking down my entire character And I'm like, well, I'm sorry, Bert, but you were fucking, you didn't pay for any of my drinks.

And you complained about your ex-wife, Diane, the whole time. And it wasn't exactly fucking walk in the park. I'm sorry. Doesn't mean that I'm some sort of heightened cunts because I don't want to go out with you twice where you swing your legs. And he was swinging his legs in the chair and fucking. Were they little legs? He had little silly, foolish legs, yes. And he just kept complaining about Diane.

He's like, the thing about Diane, he was fucking just really revved up. And then he was like fear. And it's like, at the end of the date, I'm not going to look into your eyes and be like, I don't want to go out with you anymore. I'm just going to be like, that was great. If they say, let's do it again. I'm like, sure. I don't feel like you need to do that when you're out on the date with somebody.

If you're a long relationship, then you owe somebody an explanation. Other than that, just don't call me. That's it. We went on one date. Whatever. I mean, I do think that's what's great about texting and all that stuff, is that you can just, because so then I would get this, and I got this letter. And it really did, like, kind of, it just turned.

That was it. I never went back to the place. It was just like this, first of all, it wasn't like working out. It was too much work. The guys weren't good. I remember I went out with a Mormon guy that was cute. And I didn't really understand what Mormon was. I thought it was like, like Protestant, like an offsuit of, another offshoot of Catholicism.

You just didn't believe in Mary and like Bruce could get married. I didn't really understand. And I just remember he said, no, I give 10. 10% of everything I make to the church automatically. That's part of it. So that was it for me. That was it for me. I was like not interested in that.

And then there was, but this guy that wrote the letter, I just remember it was like this, like reading it on this thing. It was like a card that you could do and like send. And it was just like, you know, I find that people that go to college are some of the most meanest people, like, you know, the grammar and everything. And I was just like, oh my god like this is too much this is like not even fun it's too much work this other guy was an

anesthesiologist who was like 38 and tall and I was like okay like I was like oh my god this could be good is this too good to be true yes it was he was a fucking weirdo yeah of course a 38 year old tall guy with dark hair when I'm like 27 who's an anesthesiologist and lives in a manh beach in a nice house that he owns and is not married yeah there is something weird yeah there usually is there was when they're that and and i i feel like i always knew well i attracted pretty crazy guys but i also feel like the ones that i got i'd be like i would just i start to lower my expectations i would have a friend come over and we would do it together like we would when we would go online we used to call it family tinder but i just like to have a friend that go through

the pictures with yeah and my friend found this guy and she was like he's not exactly a veterinarian i'm like well what what does he do and she's like well i guess he kind of he works for like i don't remember the name of the place, but it was called like pause of freedom or something. And basically, it was like, euthanasia for cats. And I was like, basically said cat assassin. And so I was like, that's weird. If you only kill cats, if you're a veterinarian, lovely. But if your job is just, and so my friend, I don't know if you have a friend like this, she was like a master researcher. Like every guy I'd go out with. I mean, I'm not making this up, Heather. I went out with this one guy. She's like, she was like, okay, I talked to his boss. And I'm like, wait, this is my first

day with him. How did you find his boss? She's like, he broke up his. last marriage was with a Hasidic woman and he just wasn't as religious with her as her. That was the problem. Like she found his fucking boss. She has three kids, by the way. She's a public defender herself because she's a lawyer. And this is what she's doing. Within 24 hours, she's like, I got it.

Talk to his butt. Like it was a direct order. I'm like, I didn't ask you to do this, bitch. But she's, I mean, the best friend in the world that she did this for me. But so my friend was like, okay, so she went and she found all of the reviews of his cat assassinations. And so I guess he would just stop by your house. to kill your cat for you.

They called it like putting down or whatever, but I'm sorry, you're a fucking cat assassin. If you're a veterinarian, you put him down. If you have a door-to-door service where somebody could not be able to order their cat dying like Uber Eats or some shit. And so one of the fucking comments was that they felt like he was very gentle inside,

but they worried that it wasn't great because it made her feel a little uncomfortable as she was saying goodbye to mittens or whatever the fuck her cat's day was. Because she said the guy was on the lawn with the with the syringe out and she was like he shouldn't have had his syringe out as he was crossing your lawn it's like he had no shit because you were just one of many fucking deliveries like how quick does it have to be like you couldn't have just brought it in like an old medical

bag like an old-fashioned like house called medical bag like that is crazy he had a needle cocked and holding it casually as he was crossing the lawn and my friend almost went out with this guy And I was like, that's insane. You can't, because he was probably one of three assassins. Oh, my God. Cat assassin. I'm like, no. That's not something that should be done where somebody stops by your place.

No, that has to be done after a lot of, you know, thought and prayer. And it has to be done at the fucking doctor's office. You're cocked and fucking ready on the lawn. And then he like had the, and then he had the fucking nerve to knock on the door and be like, let's talk about what your cat meant to. You don't give a shit. You're here to kill cats as briskly as. possible now you obviously talk a lot about your husband and your family and your act and it appears

that your husband does not care has he ever said i don't like that bit or well you really kind of got that wrong or uh honestly the only thing that he got really jealous of was that or upset was because i had a joke about that i dated this cop before him as fbi agent and there's a little bit of rivalry why do firemen and cops hate each other they don't hate each other but why do they like it's so funny and they like to say the same thing like they're all that they're very similar i know and they like so they always like to say like that um well i think it's almost like the same thing that like my dad would say back when he was in the military like during the war he would say that the air force they would be like oh the air force steak and ice cream every night he was a

marine like they think that they have it easy so i think like there's a lot of that in my comments section because i'll be like first responder they'll be like first responder my ass we're the one you secure the scenes and they do this and i don't even understand what they're talking about i'm like whatever i don't know yeah but there's like a lot of arguments about who secures the scene it all sounds exhausting to me personally i'm like it all seems kind of like annoying to have to get out of bed because you talked about dating a cop that's so funny i know and now i'm talking about again because i'm such a dick but yeah um like that like he'll like he'll get a little bit weird he'll like bump on that a little bit but like the most insane things he doesn't care about at all like um like we were

hooking up once and he lasted like you know it was pretty quick it was maybe like three four minutes stops and he was like I was like come on Pete and he's like that was awful right he thought it was hilarious he's like yeah I really kind of phoned that one and he's like you could put that in your skit though he's like yeah you can put in your talent show though like I'm just laying there like throbbing with loneliness and he's just like hey high five be a good sash or whatever. And he's like, I had donation to the old skit box. Yeah, you didn't care.

He doesn't care. The old skit box. I mean, yeah, he didn't care at all. So I don't know. The things he cares about are surprising, but it's very, it's very few and far between that he cares. And I do think that is one of the fun things about him is that, you look, he, what he's thinking about most of the time is fire.

He prefer to be inside a flame than a woman. He cares about fire. He doesn't care about the nonsense. I'm, you know, peddling on stage. Yeah. Yeah. In a way, my special was mine. like was me trying to get my husband to make eye contact with me because I made this entire

hour I'm almost like about his job this is more sad that I'm realizing it is not like a fun loving thing but yeah and I it's like because then all the top brass of the fire department were at the taping so it was my way of being like see me me that you know what I mean like pay attention because yeah I don't think he cares not about much I think it was I think it's a very interesting life I would like to interview I would love to have to have like a roundtable discussion with female comedians who are currently still married to their husband, which there aren't a lot of us. And what the husband and have the husbands all talk about it. That would be fascinating. Because also like I've asked Leanne too. He doesn't like when I talk

about him to other people. But I think for some reason he thinks like the stage is different. You know, like he isn't like when I talk to his family or like I back up my point. I'm like, yeah, but your brother said that like that will piss him the fuck off yeah right she's fair but that'll make him angry if i'm like using it to anchor an argument right but if i'm just doing my little skits on stage about some nonsense i've complained about my husband to his mother and she is she's the greatest mother-in-law on earth yeah i try not to do it because as my son's got older i thought how am i going to feel about like drake's wife calling me when i'm 83 and bitching about him as if i fucked up somehow by raising your husband. And then I realized, I'm sorry, I've had the husband

longer than she had him under the roof. So anything he does wrong is actually, it is my fault. I raised him longer than her. She should be like, what did you do to my, I handed over a perfectly nice guy at 33. Yeah, I mean, I mean, why did you make him such a dick? Why did you make him such an asshole? No, I'm dead wrong for doing that when I've done that. But, My husband is really not, he doesn't communicate fucking anything, fucking ever. And sometimes it makes me crazy. So I have to make some sort of quilt out of what's actually going on because he won't fucking tell me. His father, I've heard his father give him this advice.

He's like, you know, what do you say? He's like, do what you want, apologize later. I'm like, no, that's not good advice. Come on. What the fuck? So that's my husband. That's our whole marriage. He doesn't, I don't know what's going on.

So like when I first met his family, you know, I'm thinking he came with me on the road. He came with me to different crazy. situations and shows. I'm thinking they've heard all about me. No, they hadn't heard anything about me. He brought me for Christmas. I brought 40 presents because first of all, like I'm, I'm kind of obsessed with Catholic guys. I've only dated Catholic guys. I just love all the ceremony of it. I love fucking Catholicism. Oh, I joke about it on stage. I like a Catholic. It's like hot and sorry. Yeah, but I'm so into Catholics. I tried to steal my friends communion dress when I was a little girl. Is that what's called for community? Oh my God, because it was like a little, I, I pretended

it was my wedding day when I wore that white dress. It's so beautiful, that dress. Yeah, I was so jealous. So I was going to his house and I was doing Christmas. Jewish girls are fucking jealous of Christmas. Okay. So we go all out. Like I'm the one in the family that's way more of a bigger deal for me than my husband with my daughter. So I brought like 40 presents. We get there. They all looked furious. And I thought it was because I was bringing the wrong things. Yeah. Or because he was bringing a Jewish. I didn't know. It was because he didn't tell him he was bringing me at all until five minutes before he got to the house he was like bringing a girl and they're like Jesus Christ Pete what the fuck we have nothing for her so I didn't understand all this

till later so I was like interviewing her family like what was it with Chris like what happened that yeah and then they explained to me Pete didn't tell us until five minutes before you got here so I'm thinking like he's met like some celebrities you know like he's gone to all these different places with me they know he's dating a comedian like this guy's barely been outside the archdiocese is fucking Brooklyn. Of course they fucking know about me. They didn't know anything, you know? So they were completely confused and enraged. So that's what it feels like being married to me. It's like nobody knows what's going on. Like, because he doesn't tell anybody anything. You know, my mother-in-law's intense. He had a very intense. And she's a very like, oh, my son. Like, you know. She would have preferred

to marry him. You know, it didn't work out for her. But I think it's the same thing. Like, it was like, I thought like, this must be so interesting to people for you to say that you're like dating a comedian or whatever. He didn't get a shit. No, it was the same thing. And then I just remember like years, just not even a lot long. I've been married 25 years. So like just a couple years ago, my sister-in-law was like, oh, I remember like him saying,

oh, this girl is just so fun. I'm just going to marry her. And it was just like, just the confidence of just like, yeah, like, why wouldn't she say yes? Like I found her. Like, she's just going to, this is going to be a good one for me. And I'm like not like. I'll just pick her.

but it is sweet though it is sweet there's something very sweet in that i just have fun with her is what he's saying but yeah yeah i but i know what you mean like he yeah my husband never was worried that he wasn't gonna be able to get me he was just like yeah he was basically just like yeah he could still settle up here like it was like his time to leave the bar yeah that's how he saw it yeah he's like what do i owe you yeah so go ahead take this one she's kind of a guess yeah same thing yeah um okay the other thing i love that you do in your act you do very good voice and characters. And I like your whole point of view about the 19, like the early 1950s movie and the way women were portrayed. And I think it is so funny of just like, you did this

one sketch I saw on your Instagram where, and it's so true. Like you're at a restaurant with this, with a man. And, and you like are about to order and then the guy's like, just tell the story. Well, I order, I made my husband do this too all the time we were first dating. I'll start my order and I make him interrupt me. And by the way, that's a good way for me when I was dating to decide whether I should go forward with the guy, whether a guy would be fun to be with. So you're just like, you have to make sure your date is going to go do a bit with you. Yes. Okay. Because if they're willing to be humiliated publicly, then they're my guy. Yeah. Okay. So what would you do? They're willing to go along with my horse shit. Yeah. So I would just go out to dinner with him and I'd be like,

well I'll have a big fat pot roast with some taters on the side and then maybe a macaroni and cheese too well shit I'm worth it aren't and then I would tell Pete to interrupt me and be like no no no she'll be having the salad god damn it why would you even think you would order for you so you know like and then the waiter would go away furious at him but I always thought it was so funny like the waiter would think he was such a rude like yeah what a pig yeah but and also I'd make him take me out of places if we have to leave anyways I'm exhausting by the way to date I'm sure but we be like out at someplace at a mall or whatever. We'd be in a store that we were going to leave anyways.

We'd be in Costco and I'd be like, can you pick up my arm like this? We'd be like, that's it. We're leaving right now. I'm like, I don't want to go. It's not fair. I wanted to stay for another couple minutes. It's not fair. He's like, that's it.

We're done. We're leaving right now. You don't get any more warnings. And I'm like, but it's not fair. I'm just a woman, but I deserve to have fun too. Let me just stay and do a twirl or whatever. And I just help to pick my arm up like this. It just pulled me out of the place.

I love it when he just picks up. I were afraid that somebody would, like, look to see if you were doing, like, the hand signal for, like, trafficking and, like, call the cops. Then the cop comes and it's a guy used to date. If we were doing it, if this, you can do this as one of your episodes of your new sitcom, that's what it has to be. Yeah, I was never, like, I don't know. I mean, now, I'm surprised he does it as much now that he is a chief. Like, in our area where we live, it's, like, a lot of firefighter families. Like, nothing could matter less where I live than just being a random Jew con.

I'm just some weird whore that takes ubers at night and nothing could matter more than being like the fucking foyer chief. Like I live in a very, you know, very conservative, very firefighter, first responder area, you know, like so. How fun. It's, and his, my family, they're very different. They're just, you know, my mother-in-law's just always cleaning and it's all about just, you know, China. Life is all about her way of looking at the world is like the outside world is this daunting force that's coming to take everything from your family. And my, my mom's way of looking at the world is just like, can I adopt to everything? every beige person I see, you know, like it's just never, everybody can move in and then it

it'll fix it, you know? Is it comfortable when the in-laws get together or is it very rare that they ever do? I think my mom, I joke about this on stage how being her being so liberal, she's racist, but I think my mom is so excited that I have. She's got a Latina in her family. You know, like it's like my mom loves my mother-in-law's Colombian, so my mom's talking to her. She's just doing like an inner kind of jazzy Latin jig of delight. So she loves it, you know. And my family, like my side of the family they were like giving toast about like immigration and stuff at the wedding I'm like can you guys shut our wedding stop yeah is a lot ask like a lot of comics were there and like Anthony Devito was like I remember when your dad gave that speech about immigration and didn't

you know a toast and didn't mention you or Pete I'm like yeah that was a little weird that's how I grew up it was just like all just like black men carrying coffins and like Steve Biko did not die in vain I'm like it's my bat mitzvah can you guys settle down for a fucking second and his family very much the extreme other way. They're very super conservative, you know? So I feel like it's two extremes and my, but my family is so excited. Which does make a perfect sitcom, walk, walk, walk. There are a lot. Yeah, it's a, it is a crazy. It is good. It could be more different. Yeah, they could have been always very attracted to. I like super, I like just dusty fucking, you know, traumatized fucking men. I like dudes, you know, like just some, I don't like any irony. If I can remember what a guy's

wearing, I don't want to remember your outfit. Then that means I'm not into you. Does that make sense? Yeah. No, it doesn't. I don't want, sorry, I really feel like hi today. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm hearing my fucking blazer and I'm barely making sense. I mean, if a guy has a guy's outfit should not be a series of like sassy risks. I don't want some stylized man. That's what I mean. Just a normal shirt and normal pants. You shouldn't know about clothes. You shouldn't know what they're called. That's fine. What about when you do have to go to something is, will he wear what you say? Yes, he wears whatever I say. That was when I knew that I wanted to marry him. I said, can I throw out some of the things in your closet? He was like, sure, whatever. Like, he didn't care.

That's good. He knows what he doesn't know, you know? I mean, sometimes it extends to, like, he's not exactly emotionally. He's a desert. But like, like, his friends had lost somebody important in his life. And he's like, well, what do I do? I'm like, we'll reach out to him. I'm like, call him. He's like, what do I say? And I'm like, well, just say you're thinking about him. And, you know, you're here for it. But he really doesn't know. And he's just like, like, he's shake. He just hands me the phone to do the text. He doesn't know what to say in any of those moments. Like he's, yeah, he has no idea. Like none. Yeah. So he's not the guy that is going to soothe me. If I'm sad, I have to tell my husband, your hand should be in my lower back right now. Like I have to put,

I have to adjust his body language to my situation. I have the exact same thing. Do you? Yeah. Yeah. And I kind of and again I finally got to a place where I'm like I'm just going to like when people say what what's the secret to saying no one ever asked me that but if I was to say what's the secret to staying married so long it's kind of accepting what your partner is and their limitation and what can be changed and what can't and a big part of what can be changed is your reaction yeah like you're not going to get that you can go running down the street hysterically crying and he

might not get in the car and follow you. So now you're down the street and now you've made it a bigger thing. Like now you've made it a much bigger thing and you have to walk back and while you're walking back you're like this is the, like

what am I doing to myself? I don't know. I just think so much of it is just like like and not personalizing what they don't personalize and I don't believe that everything don't the whole don't go to bed angry i disagree yeah sometimes just go to bed a new day is a beautiful gift from the universe and that is every day there'll be a new day hopefully and if and because there might not be you shouldn't waste a day yeah like our therapist gave us and they're not really

going to change just like i'm not going to change i'm i must be infuriating to live with i'm shedding deba cards i left my wallet at the hotel today i had to use my friend's ID to get through the Drake. Yeah. Do you shed debit cards too? Shred? Shedding debit cards. What is shed? I just leave them everywhere. I shed them. I like shed debit cards. Because I don't know where my credit card is right now. Yeah, like on the way in here, I was like, what if I took an Uber? I wouldn't have been allowed in the place. I'd like let my wallet at home. So yeah, we, I don't know what happened to my credit card. I know that it's in this house somewhere because I ordered something from TikTok and I took it out of my little wallet. And I

remember seeing it somewhere and I don't remember the rest. So we share the same credit card. So I'm like, I prayed to St. Anthony to find it. Yeah. And I was really confident. I was really confident because I went to church for the first time in a while, finally went to the first Catholic church in this neighborhood. So I was like, oh my God, I'm definitely going to find it today. I'm going to do the St. Anthony prayer. Like, I'm going to find it because I was just like dreading. So then I told Drake that I can't find the card but I really don't think it's missing to the point where we have to cancel the whole thing

because he uses it too and it's like on you things you know like you know was he upset about it or no well he listen he is not Mr. Organized I have brought home checks from the road that he has misplaced

and then I've had to call the venue and say you like you know we know it hasn't been cashed to just reissue it so like no he is not so I have to remind him of that like you're not a perfect person like you have gotten in a car accident too you know like it's not just me hitting the curb for fun okay so anyway so it's just like

constant shit like that so like where is so I just finally said I go I have some bad news you know and I and then he was like thought it was something you know really bad and I go I just don't know where this card is you know and I'm like and it's it turned out it's going to be fine because we're going to get a business one or something anyway. But no, I don't like, yeah. I lose all of them. I don't know where anything is ever. Yeah, I fuck his life up.

And his goal in life is not to get my shit fucking up his shit, like when he wakes up in the morning because there's some sort of key he has that like opens all the subway doors or whatever. I don't know. It's like some special universal fire chief subway key. Might have lost it. How did you lose it? I think this is our old place.

I think we had because now we have just like. like a code, but I think we, you know, I just, I borrowed the keys and I lost the keys with his. And he's like, that has my universal fucking subway key on. And he's like, that's a pretty bad mistake. Oh my God. I fuck his life up so bad. I must be enraging to be with. Let me just make sure it's very clear her that I am very much half the problem. Like when we went on our honeymoon, I don't even realize that I'm being offensive sometimes. Like I was, I was arguing with him about that like giving away the window seat, you know, on a cross-country flight being the ultimate sacrifice. And he's like, that's not the ultimate sacrifice. It's giving your life away. I'm like,

no, it's not. It's a window seat on a fucking cross-country flight. Like, I don't even listen to myself and realize what a twat I am a lot of the times. But no, I lose everything. I lose, I mean, I fuck his shit up. Like, I'm sure, like, our therapist gave us an assignment. And they were like, you for one week, think about, you know, give Rachel one assignment of something that could make you happy or feel loved in this marriage and you know rachel you give ask pete for one and i said maybe a compliment like you know yes i ask for compliments he never gives me compliments yeah he won't give me a single you know he said he says the material of what i'm wearing he goes denim i'm like no you can't scream polyester that's not enough he says my materials of my clothing is that's his compliment or if i go do i look

okay he goes want to know you comfortable nobody fucking asked me if i was comfortable i'm not giving birth. I'm asking, he's like, oh, no, are you comfy? Fuck off. Yeah. No, he doesn't. Or if I say anything about my weight or something, he'll be like, well, I don't know, what are your goals? You don't ask the woman if she wants to be less fat. What are your goals? Do you want to be less of a pig than you are right now? I don't know. That's what I hear when he says that to me. What are your goals? See, but you know, like, this is like really comforting me because I think when you, whatever your husband's shortcomings aren't in your mind, because you turn on.

TV or you see someone being like, oh, like my sister's husband is very complimentary to her and very like, like if she came out in an outfit, you know, anything. He's just always like, look at your sister and like, you know, all like, you know, but then she's like, he's so annoying. Like, you know, whatever. And or she'll complain that he, you know, had to get a handyman to like help bringing a tree, you know, a Christmas tree. Yeah. And I'm like, but I'm like, who cares? But she's like, yeah, but we had to bring Peter over to like finally put up this like chandelier or what now she can ask Drake. Now I'm like, you can ask any of them to just do what Michael doesn't want to do. Yeah. Because he bought you

a Pataga bag and he says you're gorgeous. So to me, I think that's better. But to her, she's like I would like someone that would know how to like put in a chandelier you know like it's like everybody has their thing yeah no my husband got me yeah the Costco pajamas or fucking like one of those plastic tins full of like candy from Costco I'm like fuck off fuck you I told him not to get me stuff like this but he just only gets me those things he's not that guy he's not the lavishing we yeah we he a few years in we kind of both just like don't give give gifts that involve one of us going to a store, really. Like, I don't do it because in the beginning of him being into golf, I would like go and get

golf stuff. And he was just like, you know, okay, Travis Matthews was having a 30% off sale. Like, I know how to get the clothes. I have the, so now I'm like, I'm not going to go try and buy you. So now you like make a meal or do something like that? No. But you do. This is fascinating.

No, I need to adopt it. So I'm not so sad every time you. my birthday rolls around well and for for you my whole life I've planned my birthday whatever I have friends that will say hey we're like like tonight I'm going to girls dinner I have groups of girls and we'll do like girls dinner thing for with my husband I will say for my birthday this is what I'd like to do I that's a great way to do a trip I like like a Cabo weekend trip thing and now I'll say this what I want to do and then he'll be like well for you know I'm doing this for my birthday whatever the actual birthday we do

do like cards and do something nice um but yeah like we both like it's a waste for him to go and try and buy me like a handbag yeah and it's a waste for me to go buy you know some golf shirt that he knows that he could get 50% off yeah my husband wants to like everything discounted too yeah like my husband's very like financially all about yeah the discount yeah the discount with the chief the deal. He notices every time he's overcharged for something, like it could be like a nickel over. He's on the phone.

People could be robbing me blind right now. I probably pay for every hotel I go to like three times. I never check anything. Yeah. He like meticulously, his goal for me. Yeah. Was to put the caps back on everything in the medicine cabinet. They were like, what would make you feel loved by your wife?

And it's like, put the caps back on everything, you know? And I live a capless. I'm a capless bitch. And I'm sure it's annoying to be with me. But I don't know. He always goes, what, why don't you just put your things back in the same place? I'm like, you assume that I know what my hands are doing. It feels like they go away from my body.

They take trips. I don't know what they're up to, you know. But I'm always like, I'm not that. But look, he's also not the guy that's going to compliment. You know, like, that's not his deal. And by the way, if I compliment him, he doesn't need it. I could be like, you look so hot. He's like, whatever.

He's like, I try to do it thinking that it would result in a compliment back. I'm like, that's a cute new jacket. Yeah. And he's just like, all right. Like, whatever, it's this thing where they send me the clothes once a month, whatever it does. Yeah, he doesn't need it. And I'm like, see how I give you a call? Like, I want the compliment.

So now I just, I did just, I realized several years ago, like, it's just not, I don't think it's a conscious, I don't do it. I just think some people are going to do that and then they're just not. And I also wonder if because, like, who can say that their partner honestly is getting accolades and love on a daily basis for what they do, which is, you know, you, people saying your thing is funny, going to your show, being excited to see you. And I kind of feel that they're like, well, then why do I have to do it? I don't know. But I don't think they think like that. He doesn't think it through, but that's what he's doing. I don't think he, I don't think my husband is sitting back and going like, I'm not going to tell her that she looked,

that she looks incredible and that's my favorite dress that she ever wears. You know, I'm not going to say that because she gets it enough from the juicy scoopers. I don't think he thinks it like that. I just think... Yeah, my husband... And I think back to the early days and, yeah, when you're younger and there's no kids, maybe you're a little more like romantic. But it wasn't that different.

It wasn't much. My first date, I took off my jacket. My husband just goes, son's out, guns out. I'm like, that was like my big compliment. Yeah, usually rhymed. It was so stupid when he had set up with me, my friend. This other fireman that said us up, he said in my husband, the text, he's like, any interest in meeting a semi-famous Jewish jokester, the least arousing expression I've ever

heard put together. Oh, I brought a semi-famous Jewish jokester. Any interest in meeting her? Yeah, and then my husband wrote, they screenshoted me this, and I saw a picture of him. I thought he was hot, but I was like, I'll meet him in spite of this response. But he wrote back, like, single, ready to mingle. There's always a rhyme. And I was like, oh, God, Christ.

But then I was like, I'll meet him. Yeah, he's pretty cute. but that's him. There's just like a rhyme or something like that. One time he wrote me this beautiful card and it was about growing old together and it was some of them, I was crying when I was reading it.

And I said to him from a therapist told me to give an assignment. I was like, just write me like a beautiful card about what you think about. Usually his cards read like a seventh graders year book. He always like, it's always a lot of numbers. He's like, one kid, one house, five years.

We could do anything. I'm like, what the fuck? It's got to do with me or you or our marriage. it's usually just like one wife one child anything's possible have a great summer like it's the dumbest thing you've ever read in your life so she was like so she's like I was like write a real card about like how you feel about me so he wrote this long thing about growing older and then there was a picture on it of me and him as or two old people holding hands like a drawing and I was like this is beautiful and he's like yeah well and then I thought I'm going to go ahead and Google these

words and he absolutely stole it from the internet every fucking word and the drawing on it just fully plagiarized yeah before that he gave me roses with a note in it the one of the other firemen put in it that said roses fastest way to say I love you sides fucking that's how he said I love you to me by the way I'm like it's just like sides did even spell besides first time he gave me flowers first valentine's day and there was a card inside fastest way to say I love you sides fucking. And I was like, Pete, did you write this? Because it was typed up, you know? And he goes, I think Anthony from the firehouse put it in there. But I was like, but he hadn't said, I love you yet. So this was his way of saying, I love you. I had to be like, wait, is this

mean? Is this you trying to, he's like, well, I was going to say it tonight at some point. Yeah, we're thinking about it. Every Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, and birthday, I do get Costco roses. Yeah. And I love them. And for a long time, I don't know if it's still the case. it's two dozen a butchle okay so 24 roses and one valentine's day i came home and there was only 12 and i for like a second because i always was that person's like i don't want to ever walk around the earth like being so confident like not me you know whose husband doesn't cheat like you know so i'd always like imagine like the worst case scenario like if i came home and his car was there i'm like what if i just walked in and it's just like he and a dude were fucking in the living room like i have to

just prepare my brain for that so if I see it I don't like lose my mind whatever so you know because I always think about all those like housewives and stuff that would talk about like my man and those are always like the worst marriages right so I'm like I think the fact that I don't like over glamorize this like is is what's keeping us you know on the track so anyway I was like oh my god like where is the other doesn't like how is like I'm just not going to notice that's what and i was like kind of joking but kind of not so i think i like did like a like a story or something about it like you guys i guess this is it like peter has another family that we've never known about and where are the other flowers and then someone like wrote and was like no

heather on like i just went to the Costco and on valentine's day they are splitting them up like there's there are ones where there are probably ones you could still buy 24 but once he saw you could only by 12. That's plenty. That's plenty. That's what Pete would say too. Yeah, to get whatever's fastest. Yeah. Yeah. So that was my, yeah. Yeah, usually it's not that deep. Yeah. And it's kind of helps to know that sometimes. Yeah. But I would have thought the same thing too. I mean, you never know. But I mean, I feel like, yeah, with Pete, usually there's not some complicated second story. Wait, your husband's name was Pete too. I just realized that. Yeah. And mine's Peter. Yeah. But it's always weird when people call him Pete. Like, you know,

his new friends and stuff will be like, what's up with Pete? I always remember, and I was like, I've never called him Pete in my entire life. I only call him Peter. Now, sometimes I call him Peter, but usually most people call him Pete, so I call him that, but his mom calls him Peter, and she always, his mother was always encouraging him to go to therapy, and I always think about how she used to go, Peter needs to get to know Peter. Peter needs to get to no Peter. And I was grateful. I was like, yeah, he does, yeah. But he would probably just go to therapy and talk about, like, the flooring in the house or how the floors were level or something like that. Yeah. Peter needs to get to know Peter. Yeah. But, you know, I mean. I love that we have so much in common. I know.

I think that I feel like our husbands would probably really hit it off. Oh my God, they would totally hit off. My husband loves Costco so much. Like he's obsessed with it. We honeymoon through Costco, everything. I'm a little bit sad because now Peter is doing Instacart from Costco. Oh, he is. you against a card yeah and he's like and i go but to me it's to me it's very fun to go go yeah i like to go and i you know i like to go with as many family people as possible that are around because i like to look what they have and i like to be like would we want this do we want this i like to look at the furniture i just there's something so comforting it to me it's one of the happiest places on earth like if i find out that they my husband and son went to costco without me i don't know it just

really bums me out i don't know why i like it so much i i just still do it is satisfying to just be able to i just like to see all their the new what they yeah like when they have new specials and stuff or there's like there's some like weird thing or the samples when they have i always love any sample in my face no quill they when they start to describe it to me like this is what it i'm like that's enough going right in my dumb fate no questions asked yeah or you're when it's just like a weird piece of bread I'm like come on with like a little butter on it I'm like that's not an appetizer no I love a sample I love free samples since I was a kid I've always loved them I remember the day they stopped the samples due to COVID that was fucked up that was the hardest part for me

that was honestly so awful like it was it was it was like right before the shutdown they stopped the what what did you say about the blowout? samples and not being able to get a blowout for me i was i was pregnant and that was still the hardest part for me not being able to get a blowout like having somebody blow my hair out like the truth was coming out about how i really look i but i rely on a team of people to paint an active lie on me i'm like i have to give birth without a blowout fuck this yeah i wanted to you know i wanted to look better my mom every photo that she had after giving birth she would wear her own nighty like bring her own she called it 90 her own thing and she would get her hair done yeah and like and then she said

i was so late that like she was just it was such a problem because she kept like wrapping it around and toilet paper every night so it could stay because it was like a like a like it's the bouffa like whatever and because she was you know had to take that one photo and back then they would just put gas on your face yeah and they somehow take the forceps i don't know how they got it out if you weren't like actively pushing and then they would just say they would tap you and say it was a boy it was a girl take the baby and then she would wake up and take the photo fully for the birth yes by the way that sounds fantastic because there's you just to have somebody knock you right out and just be like a gift to your baby oh my god I didn't know they put you fully out back then yeah

wow yeah but that's everything was about setting your hair in those days they were like that's really bad like how many drug what kind of drugs went into the child's system and i'm like yeah that's what jedex are i don't know what we are um this was so great tell everybody i know you do a lot of stand-up you're on the road where can they get more of you in their life um you can go to my following me instagram rachel finstein underscore i post a lot of my dates there or go to my website rachel dash Feinstein.com. I'm hurling myself to a lot of different places. And when I'm not at home, just stirring an empty bowl, waiting for my husband to come home and give me meaning again. But that's how it was to be. It used to be. You just would set your hair. Like that was half your

life was setting your hair and just waiting for the same guy to come back home again. I mean, it is good. We can go on stage and talk shit. I don't know. I have no point to what I'm saying. I should be cut off and blocked by now, by the way. Wait, I have to ask you, what do you think about like the Tradwife movement of like young Gen Z. that marry and they like make their own bread and there do you follow any of those girls and like and like the joy of it and all of that I think that they're all snacking on Xanax all day because they all look like they are and I've always thought about those group wives when they're married till when your husband has like seven different wives right yeah and then just like everything's fine while me and Jenny and all the

girls get along yes we do that is a Xanax voice that me I think they're shopping on hard meds all day and they need dough and then they're fine there's a lot of i remember when i did like that wise guys in salt lake city there and you know it was one of those five show weekends where you just have like the afternoon to yourself and i was like walking around and there were so many ads for drug addiction places because i do think because they don't drink alcohol and stuff yeah a lot of them do get on some other altering things and then become sadly addicted yeah because their eyes they look like they're not in their own bodies like they're fucking yeah they have left the building yeah I think a lot of I mean look I try to do some of those those you know when I had a toddler I watch a lot of

those videos and I try to do a lot of those different activities with her but whenever you I don't buy it when you're I like the whole idea like don't get them much toy rotation all that kind of shit but when when you have a little kid that that age especially toddler mine's five now she's not really a toddler anymore but like your house is jacked up shit is everywhere right so what are those like minimalist ladies that are like I just weed dough and then we go look for pretty things in nature like I try to do that yes but things just get hurled there's smears everywhere there's just a I already have smears myself like I'm always worried about like leaving debris yeah just excreting tanning salon lotions and shut up people's furniture I don't buy it when if you have a spotless home you

you have a toddler I don't believe you I don't care if you're a stay at home mom yeah I don't believe you yeah that you're just kneaded dough and then just these neat little activities no it's not like that yeah it's a little more jacked up but I think the dresses are cute I love dresses and I love those old like country dresses and yeah I can see the desire of it but I don't think it can last forever so get your education girls get your education to make your own money that's right make your own money you know what the fuck your husband's doing he comes in the last frame and puts his arm and he hasn't gone a little later like yeah he could be anywhere inside of me and he could be at a glory hall for the rest of the day you don't know what the fuck he's

up to yeah check from somewhere um all right we're gonna go to lunch we can't glory all right all right love you bye