Just Trish - Dr. Drew addresses Trisha's Past Scandals & Controversies

Episode Date: August 17, 2023

On this emotional episode of ‘JUST TRISH’, Trisha is joined by media personality, internist and addiction specialist—Dr. Drew Pinsky—to address her most infamous past scandals and controversies. Dr. Drew doesn’t hold back as he gives Trish real advice on how to apologize and move forward. **TRIGGER WARNING: This episode contains mentions of addiction, sexual abuse and eating disorders. Subscribe for free to Just Trish wherever you listen to podcasts and get episodes before anyone else: https://link.chtbl.com/JustTrish?at=1010lSCj Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/just-trish/id1698564262?at=1010lSCj   Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/6bZ5tfeCt6naGMw24pRMLe  Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/d1701ced-0b99-4fe0-9833-6566c4b58afd   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, welcome back to my podcast, Just Trish, with my second guest, and I'm so excited, Dr. Drew Pinsky. It's about time. Yes. It's been way too long. I know. We actually met right when quarantine started. Like, it was shut down. Is that when that was? Yeah, but they didn't know. Everyone's like, are we still filming? It was like March 17th. Yeah.

And we did, I was on your show with Adam Carolla. Yep. It was kind of like a relationship questions thing. It's sort of a colony show, and it's, you know, me and Adam and the way we've always been, you know, we sort of, he yells at me and I, whatever. And, and, uh, people like our relationship and like, and it's been, it's been, you know, I've been with Adam for 20 years, maybe almost 30 years. Wait.

Crazy. Really? 96. What were you doing? What was the first thing you did? We did Loveline on MTV. The first thing was radio and then Loveline on MTV. Oh my gosh.

You were probably, when were you born? 88. Yeah, you were like eight or something. I remember it though. My mom loved it. She loves you. I bet you get that all the time. Yes, it's weird as I've gotten older. My grandma loves you. My mom loves you. Well, you look good though. I didn't know. I thought you were literally

my age for real. Oh my God. I'm coming back. Come back to Trish's podcast, everybody. Because you're on 16 and pregnant. You do all those shows now that the new generation loves you. Yes. 16 and pregnant.

The teen mom thing. But in fact, we're doing a new reunion like next week. It's been on a sort of a less frequent schedule because of probably COVID really as much as anything.

Still? Well, no, no. It's why it kind of slowed down, I think. But it's crazy that I have known these women for like 15 years. It's been going for a long time. And I'm just going to keep talking because we're going to get into all kinds of stuff

today. I know. There's so much. I have so much to ask you. I was just reviewing the season and I got really emotional because I, particularly with Kate and Tyler and to someone with Macy talking to her son, Bentley, who's now 6'3 or something, I was immediately thrown back emotionally to when they were 16 and pregnant. I just had this huge reaction.

Like I was connected. Something about the emotions they were expressing reminded me of when they were 16. And it was just very touching and very challenging to kind of protect these little kids, essentially. And then I thought about my own life across 15, 16, 15, 16 years, it gets, it gets, it's crazy. But they all became successful, right? For the most part. Well, I mean, you got to remember we did 16 and pregnant with probably a hundred girls over the, over the time. And we did teen mom, I think one through four, I think. And then we only ended up with the two and then they consolidated those. And then they're like, blow up. They're like everywhere. And they're like, they've just stayed everywhere. So like, do you help them off camera or do you only see them at the readings? Cause they get mad at you sometimes. Like.

I know I offer them, they're all, I give them my phone number. They can call anytime. Kate calls me a lot, texts me and calls me. And she, she uses resources. She's, I mean, she's like done so much work. I mean, you can, you can, you see that now that you've done some of your own stuff. Yeah. No, that's what I love though. Because I feel like we talked after I gave birth last year, I just did a tweet. I was like, I'm bleeding so much. I don't know if this is normal. And you like sent me a tweet and I'm like, maybe you should go to a doctor. Like you were so nice. And I was just like, wow. I have so, here's, here's my philosophy. I was a severe, I probably still am, but I was really a bad acting out workaholic. Like I would get up at five in the morning, I would struggle to get home by 10 at night. I would see 60, some days 100

patients. I mean, I would see them in the ICU, in the acute hospital setting, in the outpatient medical. And then I would go to the psychiatric hospital and do medical evaluations and run their addiction services. So it was insane. It was super duper insane. But because of those decades doing that, I seen everything. I've just seen everything. I've had experience. I've had a view of the human experience that very few people get to have. And I'm grateful for that. I just want to give it back. I just want to like, just give it wherever I can. And so if I see somebody with something where I can help, I want to help. That's it. But you see so much. Like, how do you know so much? Because I grew up with Celebrity Rehab. Like, I love that That's it. But you see so much. How do you know so much? Because I grew up with Celebrity Rehab. I love that show. But you know so much. Okay,

they had a sex addiction one. They had a drug addiction one. I'm someone who has borderline. How do you know so much about everything to help everyone 16 and pregnant, all this stuff? Because I had the medical side. I was deep in medicine. I was teaching medicine. I was a clinical professor of medicine. And then I was spending half my day in the psychiatric hospital where I saw everything. And that hospital is like a museum of psychiatry. It'd been around for like a hundred years. And through all these old timey psychiatrists, I would listen to them and talk to them. I just learned a ton. And you and I were talking about borderline stuff, right? That's often, I'm sure we'll get into today. My program was able, as you saw with celebrity rehab, we had

a specialization with people that are really, really sick. And so if you needed, if you got to the point where you came to me, there was essentially a, first of all, you were strung out on at least a couple of drugs and you had a 100% probability of childhood trauma. And so if you throw childhood trauma to the mix, then you get the personality stuff that comes downstream from that. And so sociopathy and borderline disorders were extremely common in my thing. And this would be interesting to talk to you about. So I actually, I like working with borderline patients, people with borderline disorder. They drive me to look crazy. I was going to say you're not scared. Everyone's scared of me. I don't understand that. I understand it because I'm imagining you

sometimes can express some rage and things like that. To me, I get where it comes from. I just get what it is. And you end up feeling worse about it than I'm feeling when I'm the recipient of the rage. You know what I mean? I just know how it works. I know where it goes and I know how you suffer with it. I just know how it works. But so each one of us in our unit, you saw some of them in celebrity rehab. That was actually my team that I used for 20 years down at the psychiatric hospital. And each one of us had an affinity for different kinds of people. Like Sasha, do you remember the nurse? She had an affinity for sociopaths. She thought they were so funny and so entertaining and so cool.

Was she one at one point? She was not one. But borderlines tend to like sociopaths a lot. And we'd always kid Sasha about that. She was not borderline. Okay, I didn't know. But whenever she would go, oh, my God, he's so funny, we'd go, oh, just crap. It's going to be somebody who's really going to manipulate us and take this place apart. But could you spot that? I wouldn't. But just her saying she liked them was enough.

Because when people are drug addicted, everybody kind of behaves like a sociopath, right? You're in kind of a survival mode where you'll do anything and you don't even know anymore what's real and what's lying, right? But back to the borderlines, they liked me, I liked them, I liked working with them, but we had this odd experience that they would escalate around me a little bit. Can you understand what that would be? Like, what do you, no. They would get kind of- Oh, like get worse? Emotionally. Yeah, they would get very agitated or anxious or, it's just, they would just be emotional. Like they'd be stirred.

Oh, I'm surprised. I feel very calm around you, which is like crazy. Well, but I'm wondering if that's part of the deal. Like they want me to contain it when I get there. But the stir would come literally when I walked into the parking lot. And that parking lot was about a quarter mile away. And there was no way for them to know it. And Sasha used to kid me all the time. She'd do this as though they had antennas or something. Oh my gosh. When I was coming into the hospital. Wait, how did they get

out? What do you mean get out? They wouldn't get out. They didn't see me. They were in the unit, but they would start getting emotional and Sasha would go, oh, Pinsky's here. They would feel you? They sensed you? Something, something. I'm wondering if you could help me with that. Oh my God. No, I feel, I sense people for sure. I'm wondering if you could help me with that. Oh my God. No, I sense people for sure. I sense people, but I'm kind of shocked. When I was in a psychiatric hospital, I definitely wasn't sensing when a doctor was around. I was just too scared. I was paranoid all the time

in the unit. Paranoid of? The doctors. Oh my God. I was at Alhambra. I don't know if you know anything about Alhambra. I worked at Ingleside for a while. Was it Ingleside or was it the other one? This was Alhambra. This is the one they send you to when you're 5150. I don't know. It's on the main street there. It's like on San Gabriel Boulevard or something. I was so out of my mind. I don't remember going in or out really,

but the doctors scared me every time. And we were like co-ed, like we had boys and girls in there, which is like, I have issues with it. No, they typically are. It's a hospital. But so the nurses have to kind of stay on that. If they let that go crazy, that's not good. Yeah. Well, ours, actually someone did like on a lie of themselves in ours. There was not at the time that I was staying there, but I guess they were taking a shower. And so that's why they had to take their flashlights and look underneath when you were taking a shower, which is invasive. And someone who's like on drugs like I was, I mean, you get like freaked out. You're just like, or when you're sleeping and they come in and check on you.

Or coming off drugs, you get even more freaked out. Well, that's what it is mostly because I got out of the first time in 48 hours. The last time I was held there a little longer. But I really didn't think they helped me with anything. They gave me like medication, which I don't love. They didn't – they don't – that facility, I'm trying to remember the name of it. I think it was just ABC or something. Yeah, it's a name like that.

It's like CHC or something. CHC I think is what it is. I don't know what it is. They don't have an addiction program per se. Like we had the addiction program up the street. And so we would get people out of there into our program. They didn't give me any- Referrals or anything? No, no. They're just like, okay, go home. We can't own a firearm for five years. And I was like, okay, like what else? And so I went back. I ended

up going back that same year, 2019. I went like three times to a different one, but- Do you think you're an addict or was it just part of the borderline stuff? I wasn't an addict. I was- Because it's hard to tell sometimes, right? It's hard to tell because I was also like functioning. The only thing I may have been addicted to is like pills. That was my thing. Xanax. Yes. Xanax.

I would love to bike it in. Okay. The opiates. But you don't crave them now though. Ah. Well, this is the whole other thing. So once I gave birth, I had a C-section. And they gave me.

All I know is on the top it said opiates. I don't know what it was it was really do you remember what it was the drug i can't remember it's upstairs still i couldn't i refused to take it because i was so good i was so like in the hospital after i had my baby they gave me the fentanyl for my c-section and i i didn't know and obviously like i don't i didn't want to like feel the pain or anything i didn't know but i was so out of my mind when i gave birth i like i remember seeing the baby and being like what is this? I had no connection to her right away. And it scared me. And I didn't know what was happening. I would wake up in the middle of the night and I would see a baby next to me and

I'm like, oh my... It freaked me out, which is weird for those kinds of drugs, right? Why was I almost hallucinating? It was weird. Yeah. It sounds like you had a nasty reaction to the drug, but the good news is you didn't wake up thinking about using, which is what happens with a real addict, a real opiate addict. You expose them and they're thinking about it. Well, I had it. They gave it to me after and I was in so much pain. I was in so much pain.

It was like the day after I took, I took, I can't, it wasn't Vicodin. I don't know what they gave me, but I remember it said on the, on the top, like you could get addicted to this. And I was just like, okay, like I shouldn't, but I took it. And again, I was just so out of my mind. Like I couldn't even like, and I get so much criticism for talking about this, but I couldn't even hold it because everyone's like, oh, you're a junkie. Why did you take the fentanyl? Why did you take the epidural? Okay, this is insane. I get so much hate about it. Okay, so here's where we are.

I spent 15 years, maybe 20 years fighting the opioid epidemic, right? People were over-prescribing. It was ridiculous. They were killing my patients all the time, routinely. Now, people that have surgical pain can't get a fucking painkiller. We've gone from one extreme to the other. Neither is good. Even if you were a heroin addict and you, let's say, needed some orthopedic surgery or something, guess what? I'm going to give you that fucking opiate if you have surgical pain. We'll deal with what happens next if you're triggered, if you start going downstream with stuff. By the way, it's not your illness. I don't think you have the illness. I kind of know it when I'm around it. But when people have that illness, they go, they start going. And guess what? I can

help them. It's not their fault. It's the illness. It's hard, though. Addiction. I have an addictive personality all over. I think it's the borderline stuff. Borderlines can really like the regulation they get from the drugs. Yes. You feel like okay for the first time many times. That's what it is. Every time I took drugs, even like weed, which I'm not into because it never affected me.

And I was like, I don't know if I just have a really high tolerance or what, but I could have a full-on edible and it never affects me yeah like anything you know the only thing that like maybe it was like hallucinogens or something or like you know those kind of things mixed with like ketamine but like i only did that recreational if i dated somebody that was like a meth head then i was like doing it too but i wasn't like i was always scared i was always like i'm gonna die i'm gonna die and it was always scary but with the pills i feel normal i feel completely normal okay yeah and so I- That's the part that'll get you. Well, that's the thing. And so when I didn't take them after I gave birth, I feel,

I don't know how to describe it because I was doing so well. When I got pregnant, I feel like I had a whole spiritual enlightenment. After we last spoke just via Zoom or whatever, like that, and this was like 2021, I spiraled really bad. And I had this enlightenment. So I started meditating. And in DBT, have like wise mind, which is basically the same thing. Just like. You were in treatment at that time. Did you stay with the treatment?

Yeah. This thing started around you? Okay, good. So I did. And then, then, and then when I started just reading about just everything, like meditation, which kind of to me was like DBT, but it's kind of, you know, the same thing, just like centering yourself, all this stuff. I was like, oh, this is what I need.

I just need to be silent for like an hour and not think about anything. And it like worked for me. So then I finished, I did like group therapy here and then I kind of finished in like 2021. How did the group go for you? Was it a DBT group? It was. Yeah, it was great. I liked it. It was. Were people embracing, accepting? Yes. Always that. It just, you know, I'm just in general, I'm bad with groups. I'm very much like isolated. Like I'm just like not, but it was, it was good to like hear other people go

through the same thing, which is why I'm vocal with my issues because I feel like more people go through it than talk about it. Oh my God. It's so helpful to other people to hear. Like I have depression, anxiety. I was in therapy for 10 years. I mean, people love hearing that stuff because guess what? We're all human.

Right. Because they think of you as like you're perfect. You're a doctor. You analyze everyone. No way. I think you have to go through it also to like understand a little bit to some degree, right? Well, it's that and you have to really be good at this stuff.

You have to clear your own stuff. You have to be completely open to the other person, but without being overtaken by them and still maintaining good boundaries, right? So I can be here and I can kind of feel your stuff, which strangely I'm not today, which is interesting. Is that good or bad feeling stuff? We'll find out. Okay.

What do you usually feel? I can usually kind of tell where people's feelings are at. Oh, and you can't feel anything. Before I could with you, even when we were on Zoom, which is interesting. But maybe you're just... I'm too clear. Yeah, you're just fine. I don't know what's happening today. I meditate every morning for like an hour. I have to because postpartum, I wasn't doing that. And I felt myself... It wasn't even like getting triggered or something like that, but I just

found myself like crying in the bathroom for like three days straight. I just like locked myself in there. Well, that's what I was wondering if you went through. That is kind of a postpartum thing. Is it a depression? I didn't think I had it. You probably didn't meet criteria for it, but I mean, you can appreciate this. Those hormonal changes are so massive that your body and your brain goes through. Of course, you have all kinds of reactions. Of course. And you have a baby and all that. I mean, just so much. And then you're sleep deprived and everything else on there.

What do you do? Obviously, that's not the solution. You can't just be like, oh, that's postpartum. They're really – No, I know. There's actually a new medication just came out that looks really good. You have to get an IV infusion first, and then you get these pills. I'm scared of the medications.

I'm so scared of them. I feel like every time I've been on it, like I was on lithium at one point, I like literally wanted to like run my car into a tree every time I saw it. Like it was crazy. And then the years I went to the hot, the psychiatric hospitals, like those were the years where they said I was suicidal, which I never felt like I was, but apparently I was, they were like, oh, well you have like feelings or tendency. Cause the first time I was 51 50, I never said the words, I want to kill myself, but they took me there. They strapped me down because I tried to run out of the cedar cyanide. And then they strapped me down, like literally like buckles on my wrists and took me there. And the ambulance, like no phone, nothing.

It was crazy. Well, they shot me with Ativan, I think. And I'm like, I didn't want that either. It's like so crazy. So- You must have been in withdrawal. I don't remember much. Right. The fact that your memory's messed up and withdrawal can make you look like anything. And you might've been saying, I want to kill myself. Just didn't really know it. Because I've never thought of myself as that. You know what I mean? Like I've been like depressed, but I never thought of myself. And like, I went three times for on a 5150 and I've just never been that way. And they were just like, nope, like you're a danger to yourself. And I'm like, well, how are you deeming this? You know, my one friend called the ambulance first time. That's

how I had it ended up with Cedars-Sinai. Like I took a lot of pills, I was drinking and then I like passed out. So they called. So they assumed that was some sort of suicidal gesture maybe. That's what I'm thinking. I don't know. But I thought you had to say the words. I thought you had to say the words. You typically do. Now that you have to say the words, you have to confirm them as time goes on. Right. I'm still feeling suicidal. Yeah. And I never did because I remember the doctors coming in. How long ago was this? This is 2019. All of it was 2019. Yeah. It's been that way for a long time. So, hmm. It was weird. Weird. I know. Again, I would chalk it up to drug withdrawal because you probably just didn't know what you were saying.

You're probably, when you're in withdrawal from that stuff, I mean, you can really get, you said you like somebody rehab. You remember Shelly? Yes. She was diagnosed for a year. She had like four or five different diagnoses. She had schizophrenia, borderline, panic. I forget all the different, but she was in locked unit multiple times and it ended up being the whole thing,

Xanax withdrawal. There's withdrawal from Xanax? Oh, bad, bad, bad. Really? I feel like I was pretty good to get off that when I needed to. Maybe it was part of what happened with the hospitalization though. Oh, maybe. I don't know. Because I feel like- Because you stopped it suddenly and thought, I'm fine with this. I'm going to have no big deal. And it was that year. I was on, okay, I was, I, and again, I never considered myself like a pill person, but I started taking Xanax in 2019.

And that's when it all happened. Xanax is one of the worst withdrawals. It's just awful. Oh my God, that's great. Because it just makes me sleepy. I'm just like- Yeah, but then when the other side, when you stop it, you climb the walls. Did you ever take it?

I've taken it, yeah. Just for like what you need it for, like the right dosage. Yeah, yeah. You never did. Because I feel like I would just take so much because you just like kind of blacked out and it was just like the best feeling ever. Especially like when I did porn, I was kind of like, oh, this is kind of everything. Well, I think that's how people do that, right? So this is interesting. So do you dissociate? Do you have that capacity to dissociate? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. All the time.

And when you did porn, would you do that as a way of getting through it? Yes. I think that's what most women do when they're in that stuff. Some of them maybe not, but that wasn't enough. Then you had to also medicate or was it? But the thing is I voluntarily did it. Like I was just like, this is what I want to do. I've heard it a million times. Yeah.

No one was like forcing me, but the money was good. Listen, I am no way judging people's choices. I'm just talking about the real human consequence of these things. And for women, particularly with a trauma history, it's kind of re-traumatizing in some way. And it brings up a lot of stuff that gets pushed further, deeper back. And then you have to take the meds to keep it back there. Yeah, I think I was like insecure. So I was like, this is my way of like loosening up, you know, but I love the attention of it, right?

I love the attention. It's like, oh my God, you're just doing like hardcore porn. This was me in like 31, 32. So this is like me, like not that long ago. And I just thought it was like, I was single at the time. I like didn't have a, like a career path. And I was like, this is like the next move for me. So like, I thought I liked it, but I was just so nervous each time.

So I took a Xanax and I haven't taken Xanax literally since we got engaged in 2020. And how do you feel about it now? How do you interpret that period of your life? What do you think? It's a blur though. Like to me, I'm like, it was fun. Yeah. Do you think it was fun?

Is what I had to do? Is what I needed to do at the time? And I still sell it. And I'm glad I did it. I wish I hadn't done it. What do you think? It's both. It's like both.

Like in one hand, I'm like, oh, I got out of my system. It was fun. It was empowering. So there's so much positive secondary gain you got from it that the negative sort of balances out. Well, can I tell you then this? So postpartum, I was doing videos about it and people kind of call me a hypocrite for this, right? Because I was just kind of like, oh, like I kind of am embarrassed. I'm like super embarrassed and like ashamed of it. Of what? The porn? Yeah. Is that now because you have a child? You may see this one day? I would be mortified,

honestly, if she did it. So this is one of the things, you know, through Loveline, I talked to a lot of porn people over the years. And I remember there were a couple of women when their sons had seen the porn, they just stopped. They just stopped doing it. It's like, okay, that's it. Oh, like they were like a certain age and they saw it or what? The boys, you know, these days, by the time you're nine or 10, you're exposed to a lot

of porn. How are they seeing that? Cell phones. Oh, right. I mean, the average age of exposure is now age nine, something like that. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So you're going to a lot of porn. How are they seeing that? Cell phones. Oh, right. I mean, the average age of exposure is now age nine, something like that. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, so you're going to have to kind of. Okay.

You have a daughter or a son? I have a daughter. Yeah. And so that's why I'm just like, okay. But the thing is, is I still promote it because that's a huge income of mine. Yeah. So I sell my old content. So I'm kind of like torn where I'm just like, oh, I'm still promoting this on Twitter because

that's like the only platform that allows you to anymore. I bet you'll get to the point where you stop because of your child. But then, yeah. It's going to be hard. I mean, I get you. I understand you get a lot of secondary gain out of it, but I bet you stop. That's my prediction. But this is my thing.

This is, again, addictive personality, addicted to money, addicted to job. Like I just like, you know, once that money rolls in, it's just so like I will do almost anything for money. You know what I mean? Which is like crazy. I make money. I have a lot of money. I'm fine.

But it's still that mentality. Were you poor for a long time? Yeah. We grew up. My mom worked four jobs. And desperate, right? Oh my gosh. Yeah.

And then when I moved out to Hollywood. That's where people get that from. That's never going to happen again. And then you're panicked that it could. Yeah. So it's never enough. It's never enough. Like no matter what.

So I'm just thinking like I can't give that up. You know what I mean? And it's like in order for her, then she don't have to worry. Again, I know moms and I bet that mom thing kicks in at some point. I hope so. I'm betting. I feel I already killed you. If it does it, it does it.

We'll talk about how to deal with that. Right. Because you're like, you're a mom and you're doing sex work. Because I know if it was her and like I'm someone who's always been in the sex industry. I've stripped at 18, escorted, all that stuff like that. So for me, it's like the idea of her even doing that at 18, like doing a blowjob for $5 on the streets of like Santa Monica Boulevard is like horrifying to me. But at the same time, because I know what I went through, like, you know, just being on the streets and getting like

your teeth knocked out or just like people just doing the craziest stuff to you. I mean, I've talked about it to length, but just sodomy, involuntary, like all this stuff like that, people are, and so like the thought of her even having to like go to that is like, how do you have any positive feelings about men given that stuff? I don't, I really don't. I went, I went, I thought, well, I hate men. Like, so then I would go to, it's such a weird thing. It is a weird thing. I really disliked men for the most part. And after, after I had my baby, I really disliked men because I had a man who was just in my life and it wasn't, you know, whatever, but he didn't understand like the postpartum, like the stress I was under, I guess, like that. And I didn't know either.

It was just a situation, whatever. And he just didn't understand it. That's one of the things I worry about when people do this kind of work is, again, people do whatever they want. I'm fine with everything. But I kind of see the realities of it. I see when the door gets closed, I'm in the room with them alone and they tell me what they're really feeling. And even just stripping, you'll frequently hear women that they're just disgusted by men. Well, because they like touch you, whatever. They do whatever.

They're just being disgusting. Stick pennies up you. Men are kind of disgusting. They are. I look at men like I'm disgusted. I don't like men in general, but there's very few people I feel like safe with. And because when we did our Zoom calls or whatever on a podcast, like I felt for the first time, like someone like not only understood me, but like there was a man not calling me crazy. There was a man not trying to like exploit. When I found out my friend got a great deal on a designer dress from Winners, I started wondering, is every fabulous item I see from Winners? Like that woman over there with the Italian leather handbag. Is that from winners? Ooh, or that

beautiful silk skirt. Did she pay full price? Or those suede sneakers? Or that luggage? Or that trench? Those jeans? That jacket? Those heels? Is anyone paying full price for anything? Stop wondering. Start winning. Winners. Find fabulous for less.

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Visit pcfinancial.ca for details. Because here's the thing, like I mentally, I talk about it, whatever, and people always say it's not an excuse, but you were so like compassionate about it and you were just very much like, it is an excuse at the end of the day. It's not an excuse. It's an explanation. Explanation. Yeah, right. And I admired that you were doing that because these are common conditions and we don't talk about these things realistically enough. And so I was very, and continue to be very appreciative that you're willing to talk about these things realistically enough. And so I was very, and continue to be very appreciative that you're willing to talk about these things.

I think people would attack you for having diagnosed illnesses, diagnosed conditions, right? Fuck those guys. Really like, fuck those people. That is further traumatizing, which is an interesting question. Why do you think, so you were victimized as a kid, right? And you had all this, I guess, chaos and desperation.

Now you're having emotions, by the way. Are you okay? Yeah. I do get a little emotional about it because I did open up about – I had lots of incidences in school. Inappropriate relationships with teachers. Some sexual and some not. Some just showing me porn. Some just touching.

And I opened up about it. Just. Oh, my God. Yeah. The fact that you have to qualify it as just. And multiple times. It's all profound. It's profound. These are not good people. Now, they may be sick also. And if we found out one was a whatever, porn addicted or whatever himself,

we would have some compassion for him. It doesn't make it okay. But the whole internet called me a liar. After I got canceled or whatever like that, I don't know, we can cut this. I don't know, Moses, you can tell me if we should cut this or not. But the whole internet basically called me a liar. For what? Saying that it didn't happen. That you were never traumatized. Where'd your borderline disorder come from?

And like, where were they? Were they back with me? And another student came forward. Let's talk about that. So there are definitely things, inaccurate memories. They happen, right? And some of yours may be distorted, right? Because if you have really bad childhood trauma, you will experience a lot of other things as trauma that maybe wouldn't have been trauma if it weren't for the original injuries, right? You know what I'm

talking about? But there's a crazy thing. I think we talked a little bit about that, but this is the craziest of all things about the human being, okay? Which is that when we've had a trauma, particularly children, childhood traumas, we become literally attracted to people and circumstances that are very much like the perpetrators. We're somehow attracted to that. And so it's not that you're looking for the re-victimization, you're just naturally drawn to that stuff. And of course, those kinds of people will re-traumatize you. Well, I felt safe enough because this one person had passed away. And so I felt safe and it was out there publicly, there was stuff that whatever. So I thought,

well, let me just talk about this. And another student had contacted me and something similar happened to them and they came forward and everyone accused that person of being me and like that person got basically run off the internet her dad was a police officer in the town we grew up in knew about all this stuff like that she came forward with her name his name everything and then she just like deleted herself off the internet and everyone accused that of being me and still to this day people are like they'll say the hashtag and again you can tell me if we should have that the hashtag on my videos justice for and like this teacher i mean nobody no nobody that went to school with us is this this is just people that are like on reddit

or whatever so and to see that every day to see that every day is like it's like so traumatizing that's not even the worst of it this was a very light one that i talked about and it's like it just bothers me because i can't talk about the other people that like did it because now no one will like believe me and i get that and like that's just my mo now on the internet. But it just sucks because it's like these people who are still teaching or still whatever, like that's why I don't say anything about anybody because no one like will believe me anyways, you know? Well, the important thing is not to hurt other people with our stuff, right? So if there's whatever, I mean whoever these people were, they know, right? And it's not your job to out them. It's not your job to harm them. However, you may want to alert somebody to keep an eye on this

person so they don't hurt other people, right? That's the only concern. But everyone, it's a small town. So everyone in that town is like, because people were calling the town, right? Everyone's calling the town, calling the school. And then everyone would be like, well, she was crazy and she was institutionalized and all that stuff like that. Like, you know, so it just, when you're mentally ill, like you'll just always be the crazy person. Same thing with anything. Like people just will say like, I remember there was like a lawsuit and they're like, well, she's mentally ill. So she doesn't get to like have be a witness to an incident that happened with like this popular, like YouTube group I was a part of. And so it's

just like one of those things and how this all got started, I guess, back to childhood trauma is like, it's really, it's really something like I never dealt things. And how this all got started, I guess, back to childhood trauma is like it's really something like I never dealt with. And like even in therapy now, I just do Zoom with individual therapy. Like because I don't remember so much, like memories come to me, like literally now to this day. Okay. So the way to think about these trauma for you, if let's say I were going to advise you

to get treatment, I would say don't worry about the memories. Don't worry about revivifying anything. That's the worst thing you could do, right? It makes everything worse. Even just talking about it right now makes you escalate. The idea is that – you ever heard the book called The Body Keeps the Score? You heard that about that book? Yes, I am.

You should read that book. I haven't read it. The Body Keeps the Score. Yeah. And it's essentially making the – showing the biology of how these traumas get embedded in our body, in our nervous system. They get just embedded in us. And so trauma treatment is really not about revivifying or re-experiencing anything.

It's about re-regulating the impact left behind. So you can regulate your emotions flexibly and you can be fully integrated. So these parts of yourself that were injured aren't off in the distance somewhere. You know what I'm talking about? I mean, you bring them forward a lot, but I still feel like they don't get the care and attention they need. I feel like it's the opposite. I feel like I hide them a lot.

I feel like I- Oh, you do hide them. But some of these memories come up that I don't even remember. Like it almost seems like it wasn't my life. It might not be accurate. Who cares? It doesn't matter. Well, that's what's scary.

What if it's not? That's the point, though. It's about getting the trauma therapy. I'm surprised you've not had that. EMDR or anything like that? No. Has anybody talked about that with you? But to me, again, it's like the porn.

It's like anything. It doesn't seem traumatic to me. These experiences, the reason I talked about it is because I was like, okay, someone else came forward with it. Let me talk about it too. And to me, it's not traumatic. The other relationships I had with my teachers, I was like 16. And I was just like, oh, I thought I was so cool. And to me, I thought it was like everything and consensual. A friend of mine, he was sexually abused by an 18-year-old girl when he was 13. He thought it was the greatest thing. It affected his life

dramatically, but he was not aware of how it was affecting him in terms of drug addiction, sex addiction, his relationships. You can't see the connection because your brain won't let you. It's all walled off. And it really is important to try to rewire into those things so they're not there spinning and needing attention in ways that might not be healthy. To me, it like doesn't feel like trauma, but it's like, it got brought up again recently. There was another thing I was talking to you briefly before we started, you know, where my nudes were sent to a minor. And when I was a minor, I was shown nudes by my teacher. Like he would show me like pornographic images and it was at the time you think it's cool. But to this day, I'm like, is that why the hypersexual, is that why I need this validation constantly by

like the only fans gives me validation in some degree. Like there's messages like, you're so hot when I always hear I'm so ugly by everyone else. You know, it's very weird. It's like. It's conflicted, right? And it's, and the only way you're going to figure that out is by trying to resolve the trauma, trying to get into it a little bit deeper so you can get all the residual left behind to get it to come out. I just feel like it's out. You know, I feel like I've given past it, so to go back and do... Well, I'm not saying you don't revivify it.

It'd be just literally doing the eye movement stuff, and then what are you feeling? I mean, it's literally that kind of thing. And you might talk about a particular topic and connect to the feelings in tolerable doses. That's the important thing. Not so much that you're overwhelmed by it or... I just don't want to go back to it because it's like, as soon as now I start hearing about this and I'm just like, ah, and it's almost... Well, let me just tell you, what I'm hearing you say, sometimes you're saying there's all this trauma and sometimes you're

saying there's none. Well, the trauma, how you describe it, but I don't think it is. But then I'm like hearing about it now makes me upset because I'm just thinking like, now what I'm thinking in my head, if I'm being honest, is like, okay, people are gonna see this. She's lying. She's this. Let's come out with this. And it's like, to talk about it is... Let me be clear. This is, if she were lying, I would know it, okay? It wouldn't make sense given her history and what she's telling me. I know when people, I always get this kind of like, no, this is not, this is common. I guarantee you there's a bunch of you out there that had something similar.

Maybe Trisha's taken it to an art form in terms of how you've lived it and how you've done with it. But look, you're surviving and thriving, and you have a kid. I mean, things are good, right? So how can people criticize you for living your life? I don't know. I'm in constant fear of just being canceled and criticized. I don't know. It's really weird fear of just being like canceled and criticized. I don't know. It's like, it's really weird.

Well, you've been through so much. It's hard for me to imagine that... I know. I don't know why it still like affects me. I mean, I try not to. I'm trying to be like in my own like circle and bubble. And then I'm like, oh, you know, things are going good now. So I always think in the back of my head, it's like, oh, what's the bad coming, you know? And I try not to think that because I do believe in like manifesting and stuff, but it does come up. Catastrophizing. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it's like inevitable. It just, but it does come up. Catastrophizing, yeah. Yeah. I feel like it's like inevitable.

It just means, it's like even trying to be out of drama for the past two years, the stuff in the summer happened. My nudes were sent to minors. So then I'm like triggered all over again. I'm just like, oh my gosh, I remember that happening to me. And like now my nudes as a sex worker are being used to like traumatize someone else. And it's like, it really messed with me more than I thought. And I'm like, try to keep it together. It feels kind of fragmented.

Like you're having all these fragmented feelings and stuff. And again, some sort of integrated thing would bring that all those pieces together. So you could have one feeling about all this. But I'm a therapist. Like it just never worked for me too much. Like the DBT classes, they were good. I'm certain of that. Because for borderline stuff, I mean, DBT we're talking about is this dialectical behavioral therapy, is the one thing that's shown to be very, very useful.

Yeah. And I could tell when you were getting it because a lot of your stuff was like really settling and I could tell you were doing a lot of hard work at one point too, right? Maybe I should do it. Yeah. Oh, my God. I was going. Yeah. I could tell.

Maybe it's just back to that again and not worry about the trauma so much. Because if you can live with the traumas and they aren't constantly dysregulating you. Yeah, it's not too much. I don't know. But I do like to talk about it because I do think not enough people talk about these kinds of things and stuff like that. Well, I mean, now we live in an age when the people are... I think it was even some international organization was talking about accepting minor attracted individuals. You heard this nonsense? What do you think about that? Oh, triggering. It's so triggering. Like how there's any excuse. Because to me, I don't think there's even an explanation for it. Like if you're sick, right, you think it's a sickness or what do you think? I don't know. Like it's a sickness.

Pedophilia? Yes. There shouldn't be an explanation for it. I think it's back to what we were kind of talking about, early experiences, wire in certain preferences and things. And it's simply the case that a certain percentage of people that are sexually abused in childhood become attracted to children. So what do we do with them? Or act out on children when they're a child. Well, what do we do with them that's beyond my pay grade? Because I feel like there shouldn't be an explanation for that, right?

Sometimes they can be treated. Sometimes they can. And sometimes they can't. To me, that's the most triggering thing. Anybody to minors, like even if they think it's like friendly or it's like, I feel like there's no, so it's not even a friendship. When people have friendship with like 16 year olds, I'm just like, why? When you're like a grown adult. That's crazy, right? It's weird. But people are, it's so normalized, especially on social media now. Like it's so normalized and people just like, let it go. Like I have a lot, like I'm like a least judgy person too, but I'm like, there's just like no reason to have a relationship with a minor. And I don't understand how like, this is not talked about more and how people are like, I'm like a least judgy person too, but I'm like, there's just like no reason to have a relationship with a minor. And I don't understand how like, this is not talked about more and how people are like.

I'm with you. But what do you do? Like, I mean. There's one thing being friendly with a minor. Of course, yeah. It's another thing to have sort of. Hang out with them. Hang out intimately.

And I don't mean intimately physically. I mean, just sort of, I mean, why would a 30 year old be hanging with a 15 year old? Explain that to me. That's what I'm saying. And I feel like nowadays everyone just canceled everyone for everything. So when someone like that gets quote unquote canceled, they just come back like normal. Cause I was like, it's just cancel culture, but it's like, no, there's like some awareness, but like, there's no accountability to be taken with that, which I think is like, so weird. That's a whole other thing. But I mean, but I did want to

talk about addiction too, because we were talking about that earlier. You were talking about as if I was an addict and I feel like addiction comes from, well, I don't know. I don't know. You could tell me where it comes from, but I have such bad addiction to a lot of things still. And I can't overcome, like there's certain ones like shopping addiction, food addiction, where people don't think it's an addiction. People look at like fat people and they're like, just stop eating. But it's like actually an addiction and it's actually like a serious thing. So behavioral addictions are rough. And they frequently come from the same place as you're suggesting as chemical addictions, right?

And it's very common in my world for people who are recovering from, say, opiate addiction or benzodiazepine addiction, whatever, to be sort of doing okay and maybe doing an active program and stuff and all of a sudden start going down some path. Gambling, very common. Sex, very common. Spending, very common. Debting, accumulating debt. A lot of people like that. That's the opposite of you, right? Yes. Well, I mean, there was. I had to talk to that for a minute. Okay. All right. You've been there. Yeah. But some people get high from that. They feel like- Oh, they want to be in debt?

They literally feel like they're not alive unless their back's against the wall. Okay. That's not me. No, I get that. I'm down to unless their back's against the wall. Okay, that's not me. I get that. I'm down to it. I need all the money. You need buffers, lots of buffers. Yeah. The behavioral addictions very frequently go unnoticed.

People don't realize what's happening. Remember Bob Forrest, the guy with the glasses and the hat? Yes, Johnny Depp. He was actually Johnny Depp's friend. Oh, really? They had the same vibes. I was like, he's so cute. I was like 15 watching that show and be like, God, he's so hot. I was like that with you too. I was like four Depp's friend. Oh, really? They had the same vibes. I was like, he's so cute. I was like 15 watching that show and be like, God, he's so hot.

I was like that with you, too. I had issues. I liked older guys when I was like 14 years old. Maybe it was the teacher thing. That's all that attraction thing, right? Yeah. That's it. We get attracted to the stuff.

And that anybody that would respond to that, right, and make you feel like, oh, yes, oh, you are. Oh, isn't this something? Yeah, you're so mature for your age. Yes. Oh, Jesus. And I was like, wow. But that's where this shit happens.

That's how it happens. It's gross. It's not because you seek it. It's that you're sort of naturally kind of your drive systems go that way. And then you find some shithead that acts it back. How many? And then schools too. People get mad at me when I say I don't like the public school system, but I was traumatized by it.

Are you entitled to your position? I don't like the public school system, but I was traumatized by it. I am. I mean, you entitled to your position. I don't understand the re-victimization impulse that people have with you. I think it's just me. I think people just don't like me. So I don't know. But this feels like something more because, you know, to not like you, you just turn off the channel, right? It's like, I don't like that.

Off. But to spend time and energy attacking you has to trigger a motivational system in the other person, and it has to kind of feel good to them to attack you. And I don't get it. Which is the oddest thing in the world to me. Because I was problematic. There was a time where I feel like maybe I was problematic, but I feel like I haven't done... Literally, on purpose, when I was pregnant, I just didn't do anything. I didn't talk to anyone. I wasn't involved in drama. I don't talk about people.

I don't gossip about people. I still got attacked constantly. Actually, it was the worst ever was when I was pregnant. They contacted my OBGYN, my doctor's office. Like they were, don't treat her. We went to go get the HSG test. So they called the fertility clinic because they saw a sticker and they were like, don't give her a baby. Like, it's crazy. Like they went insane when I was pregnant. Why do people feel in any way that it's their business? I don't know. It's between you and your doctor. It's kind of new. That's why business. I don't know. You tell me, what is it? What is the phenomenon? It's between you and your doctor.

It's kind of new. That's why I'm trying to understand it. This is all the people telling how to each other behave with vaccines or masks. Or how Joe Rogan's doctor should treat or not treat. That's nobody's fucking business. That's nobody's business. Why do people feel that they should have? I think it's social media. They sort of feel like their opinion is like, oh, it matters now. It kind of works,

though. I feel like it works to some degree. In what sense? Like canceling people, they can call someone's job. They can call someone's like, you know. Oh, they can harm people. Yeah. So like you ruin someone's life. It should be criminal. Right. But it's not. And how is it not? Like, I don't understand. I don't know. I don't get it either. Because people don't believe it really gets as bad as it is. They'll say, oh, look, she's still got a podcast. She's fine. She it's not. And how is it not? Like, I don't understand. I don't know. I don't get it either. Because people don't believe it really gets as bad as it is. They'll say, oh, look, she's still got a podcast. She's fine. She's all right.

Right. Well, me, it's, like, different. But there are some people who, like, don't have, like, jobs to fall back on or whatever, you know? I get it. Or they lose jobs that are, like, their dream jobs. And what are they supposed to do? Yeah.

No, there was literally a Twitter account last year, right, after I gave birth, who, like, showed, like, babies, like, how would you say? I don't know. Like, literally just decomposing and being like, is gonna be Malibu and their like name and address was on their Twitter profile so I called the police and their thing and like there's nothing we can do about it it's on Twitter but they're like we're gonna do this to your daughter we're gonna do this to you that's gonna be you decaying like constant tweets and I called and they had their address their real name everything and the police like can't do anything about it oh my god

so it's just like they just let that happen and like it just because there wasn't a specific threat no they're like this will happen to you but they didn't like my God. So it's just like, they just let that happen. And like, it just, because there wasn't a specific threat. No, they're like, this will happen to you. But they didn't like specific, here's how it's going to happen to you. You know? I mean, kind of, I had that happen too, but it's like crazy. They don't, they don't take it. They don't care. Like if it's online, it's like, and not in their jurisdiction or something. I don't know. So did you call the FBI usually does the online stuff. So I just figured the police weren't doing anything. I don't know. How do you call the FBI? I don't know. That's a good question. That's a great question. I mean, I wish I had the FBI office here, but anything. I don't know. How do you call the FBI? I don't know. That's a good question. That's a great question.

I mean, I wish I had the FBI number. There's got to be an FBI office here. But anyway, I'm way over my skis here. But when you were sort of acting out badly by your own assessment, did you harm some people who were feeling resentful now or people on their behalf were sort of acting out that resentment? I guess we talked about this a little bit before. I guess they say that I've harmed like communities. I think we talked about the DID,

the trans thing where I made videos. Yeah. I saw a video. Dissociative identity disorder? Yes. I saw a video of someone talking about it. So I made a video being like, this sounds like something that like maybe I had, like this was 2018 or something. This was like before any of my hospital stays or anything. Yeah. And so I was like, this sounds like something I had. And then like they all kind of came from me and then were like, oh, you're trash or this. And I was like, I was being so sincere in the video. Because you were saying I might have dissociative identity. Right.

It's a serious medical condition. Right. I might have. And then what happened was obviously something triggered me because everyone was just like, you're trash, you're this, whatever. So then I made the trolling video where I like switched on camera, you know, like to be just like crazy. Because I did trolling videos.

You did it. You did it. On purpose. On purpose. Because I don't, I feel like I have a switch, but not like that. You know what I mean? So I think, you know, it's kind of the road we were going down a few minutes ago, which was this dissociation you're capable of doing.

But when you dissociate, you don't become somebody else, right? Right. A new person doesn't step in and you're Trisha step back. You might act in ways to be able to do the porn or do the whatever that feels like not Trisha, but there's not a full personality that comes forward. Right. The way they were describing it, but the way they were talking about switching was kind of like how I feel when I used to go on rages.

And I haven't been in a rage literally since 2020. That's borderline rage. That's borderline. Okay. But it would be like someone I didn't know. After I did it, I was just we used to go on rages and I haven't been in a rage literally since 2020. That's borderline rage. That's borderline. Okay. So, but there would be like someone I didn't know, like after I did it, I was just like, oh my gosh, like what happened? Like, you know, all this stuff. Do you white out or black out or red out, black out?

When you're in those rages. And I don't, I really don't know. And I actually, I almost like, it's almost like, so what they were describing in the DID was like, you could kind of still like be in your body, but not like control it. So that's how I was. Like, I kind of knew what was happening and I knew it was bad, but like I could not control. I couldn't stop, you know? So you may have a dissociative disorder but not a dissociative identity disorder, right?

And I've seen DIDs. I've seen a lot of them. Not a lot. I've seen a few over the years. And they are striking. It's pretty dramatic. Yeah. So they came for me because like you harmed all this community.

How did you harm them by saying I'm just thinking about it? I guess that when I did the trolling video switching, they're like, you're harming. But it's like, how do I get past that? Because I do, in a sense, feel bad. But I mean, at the time. So apologize. Here, here's your chance. I guess I should because I am so sorry to the D.I.D. community.

They don't believe you. I don't believe you. Try again. I am so sorry. I don't know how to say it. Because it shouldn't be funny. I mean it, though. It shouldn't be funny.

I know you mean it. It's not. I'm just like nervous laugh. I'm trying to protect you from further stuff. And this is, by the way, I have to watch out because I have this rescuing thing I do. That's my sort of, that's my pathology. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you a codependent person? Oh, bad. Oh, really? I knew it. I'm codependent too. Yeah. But like I said, you're in therapy. Trying to rescue me here. But how do I do it sincerely? I don't know. Because I sincerely mean it. I just, I feel like I'm, you're in therapy. Trying to rescue me here. But how do I do it sincerely? I don't know. Because I sincerely mean it.

I just, I feel like I'm laughing nervous laughter. I agree. I'm sure. That's why you have to. It's not like funny. I'm just like. I know. Because to this day, that's like the one thing is like justice for my teacher's name.

You harm the DID community. You harm the trans community. So I'm just like, okay, how do I do this? So give them a little, you know, how you feel about being accused of harming a community that you had no intention of harming. I don't want to do that. I'm sorry you felt that way. Don't do that. Just do whatever you're feeling.

Let's say you did harm some people in that community. You made light of a serious condition. Yes. How do you feel about that? I mean, I feel bad. Yeah, you feel bad about that. But I feel like it's so, again, hearing people's thoughts in my head of being like, she's not sincere. She's doing that for a tent. You know what I mean?

So it's like, how do I come across that way? Because I truly, truly feel bad as a mentally ill person. I got mocked and like people think I fake my mental illness and stuff. Like I truly feel awful if people like were seriously triggered by it. So you just did it. You just did it. Okay. Well, I do.

I don't buy anything to say sorry. I don't know. It's so hard. You just did it. You just did it. You can relate to somebody who's been mocked with a mental illness that's diagnosed. And you're being accused of going after another community that you wouldn't intend to harm. The trans community, which I love more than anything.

And the gay community, obviously, they're like my whole heart and soul. Like that was when I was going through gender identity issues and it was very sincere. And people just thought I was mocking it. And I felt bad. Okay. And so, again, people are going to accuse me of rescuing. That's not my intent. I'm explaining things.

I need rescuing for this, because it's something that seriously haunts me when people talk and bring it up, because it was never my intention, especially in a mentally ill community or a personality disorder community and the gay community, which I love more than anything. If it was a straight community, I don't care. I would not be apologizing. Thanks for that. As a representative of that community, I'm going to cancel you. You're a straightie that I like.

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these days, gender identity gets very much into the feelings and thinking about, you know, who am I? What am I? Who am I really? Talk about that. Talk about the feeling of not having a consistent sense of self. Yeah. Well, this is one of my notes too. I mean, I even looked at my notes, but it is one of those things where I take on other people's personalities because I never had it. When you're around them. Like you came today, it sounds like I should dress like a therapist, you know? Like, I don't know. I don't have a style of my own. But what does it feel like to not have a stable sense of yourself? What's that feeling?

Can you describe it? I guess just not knowing who you are. Like, who am I? You know, I never had culture, you know, anything. I never had anything. So I gravitate like my husband's Jewish-Israeli. So now I'm learning Hebrew and I'm going to, you know, we do Rosh Hashanah and Shabbat. Like I just grab onto someone else's because I have no identity.

And I've always been like that. And is that uncomfortable? No. I think it would be – I don't know who I am. To dress in my own style and my own – I don't know what that means. You like pink. I like pink, which is hyper femme. But you can start there. You know what I mean?

But I think that – I mean, there are things that are yours that you can sort of own. But usually not having a stable sense of self is a very uncomfortable place to be, which is why you grab for somebody else's. You're looking for some stability in this floating thing that is self, right? And without a self, it's hard to regulate. It's hard to know how to relate to people. Well, that's, and I never have. I never had childhood friends. I don't have adult friends. Like I just don't have friendships. And specifically with the gender identity thing, which it was like for me is like one, and I guess this is where people got offended. So I'm sorry, I truly am sorry if this offends

someone, but I'm just telling you my thought process of it is I was hyper femme as a character, but it made me uncomfortable. Like walking down the street hyper femme, like I didn't like it. I was M as in men. So this is what we used to call a female, female crossdresser. Yeah. Yeah. You were taking feminine characteristics and exaggerating them. Yeah. But you weren't a man. You were a female doing that. So you were a female, female crossdresser.

I always thought, I always would say, even before that, that I was like a man, like a drag queen. Like, you know, I felt like a- I think you and I talked about that the first time we met. Yeah. Because I saw some of that stuff. Yeah. I always just really envied men and-

But envy men. that's interesting. But let's get back to that in a second. Because I wanted to be. I'm like, they get away with so much. Men can, I'm only, the reason I want to do a podcast with you so shortly after my last one is because like my validation comes when there's like a man sitting next to me always. And it's not just my last podcast, but like there's been a plethora of YouTubers that are men that that's when I'm popular. When I'm next to like, we'll just say like Shane Dawson, David Dobrik, you know, Jeffree Star. It's like when I'm next to a guy, people like just take me more seriously. And then when you came on our podcast, like people were

like, oh, we get Trisha now because a man explained it. And maybe it's my fault because I don't know how to explain myself, but I only feel some type of way when there's like a guy. So I was always envious of guys that they could just have that pull over people where they're not crazy, where they're not this, they're just a man, you know? So then you wanted to be a man to, yeah. So I think it feels to me like what you were looking for was containment from a man. And by the way, there's this recent literature that suggests that people that when one person is dramatic and the other person is sort of stoic and stable, it really, those relationships work. They're like very, they're good relationships because it doesn't bother me to be containing and you feel good being kind of contained and kind of

understood and stuff. And that's kind of, that's relationships are supposed to be. You're supposed to sort of have this thing, there's you, there's me, and then there's this thing between us we call a relationship. And the relationships is really where everything comes from, including our sense of self. And if you don't have a lot of good, stable, quiet relationship, it's very hard to build a sense of yourself. So that feels like something missing for you. Yeah, I found it. My husband's very stable and calm, so I think he helped a lot with that. But I had to go through a lot of rages and stuff with him for him him to understand it. Because at the beginning it wasn't. It was very-

Were they jealousy, envious? What was the rage? I think just abandonment. I think like he would leave to work and I would throw his keys out into the woods or something. And so again, for people out there, abandonment is a key preoccupation with borderline disorders. So unstable sense of self, self-destructive impulses, difficulty, lots of fears of abandonment. Those are some of the hallmarks of this condition, right? When were you diagnosed? That was 2019. So after my last psychiatric day. So it was a new relatively, you didn't know this, what you were dealing with all these years.

Because I was misdiagnosed. When I took the lithium, I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was in my early 20s. And there are actually some people that theorize that borderline and bipolar have a lot of crossover features. Because as you're well aware, the dysregulation of emotions is part of borderline, right? But the rage is a sort of a particular thing. And also, you said you're envious of men. Envy is a dangerous feeling, right? Because envious can make you want to destroy the thing you're envious of.

Oh, yeah. Still to this day, it gives me rage when I don't follow a lot of straight guy anything because it makes me so upset that guys can say so much and they're taken as a joke if they get in trouble for it. But if I say something that's like a joke or to be funny, then it's like, oh, she's crazy. She's this. She's that.

It gets taken as a serious thing. And it's like, okay, but the person next to me can be making jokes, but because he's a guy, it's okay. Or he's a comedian or whatever. And I just got, oh my God, it would be next to me can be making jokes, but because he's a guy, it's okay. Or he's a comedian or whatever. Yeah. And that like, and I just got, I'm like, God, it would be great to be a guy, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

It sounds a little more like jealousy than envy. Jealousy is I want to be like that. Envy is I got to destroy that guy because he's like that. Yeah. Maybe both. Both. Yeah. Because I have a little admiration for that.

I'm like, wow, guys can just get away with like anything I feel. I'm also guessing that with all those years of being exploited and dealing with, you know, men as clients and strip, you know, stripping and stuff that, that adds to all the, on the nasty feelings towards men. I think so. And that's, again, the, the, the seesaw that I'm on is just like, I don't want to be attractive because I don't want to be attractive for those people. But at the same time, it's like, well, let me just take their money.

You know what I mean? Like, they're just like typing to me being like, oh, you know, whatever. And it's just like, oh, there's still like, I don't know. There's like one power aspect to it, being a sex worker. Then there's another just like, I don't know. You don't feel good about it. Yeah, I don't feel in power. All these conflicted feelings you have.

It's so interesting. I know. And so I just, I don't know. So I just hide. I just like hide. I don't know. It's very, and I never liked a guy before my husband. Like I just was just like, I liked gay men.

That was the other thing. So I was really attracted to gay men for most of my life. Sexually attractive or just, oh, interesting. And then I feel almost there's some guilt to that too. Like, you know, there was gay guys that I was involved with and I feel like maybe they thought they had to be like intimate with me because that's what I wanted. And so they kind of, I don't know, like I felt guilt about it because I'm like, am I in this weird power dynamic now where they're just like, oh, well I get like followers or I get this. And so maybe I should be like flirty, well, I get like followers or I get this.

And so maybe I should be like flirty with her. I don't know. It's like a weird thing I struggled with. I still struggle with. I'm like, God, was that like a weird situation? Yes. But I wasn't trying to be. You know, at the time I'm like, well, maybe they're fluid.

And, you know, they would tell me fluid or bisexual. Well, a lot of men are that way, right? But you live in a world of secondary gain. So who knows what they were getting out of it too. I know, it's so hard. But isn't it interesting, you've built this life around all this. I mean, you're to be congratulated for finding your way through in spite of all this and surviving. I'm still trying. And you are still trying. And again, I think there's, on behalf of your child, I bet there's gonna be a lot of stuff ahead for you that you're gonna do differently. I'm just guessing.

Yeah. I struggle. Well, that's the other thing then. So I have my daughter and I put my whole life out there and I show my daughter online. And there's that like debate on if you should show your children, not when she was born. The first thing I was like, oh, she's a prop. Oh, she's this. And it's just like, then you start thinking that.

Okay. So then, you know, I'm on all these, I'm coming out of birth and stuff like that. I'm like, oh my gosh, I can't take photos of my daughter because they'll think I'm using her as a prop or something. These are not easy decisions. Obviously a lot of people do that and are fine with it. And there's a whole, there's this family called Kardashians. They made livings off of this, right? You know, so it's a part of our culture. You're not the only one doing this. The thing I have found that you have to watch out for most is when the kids hit around 13, 14, they can start to build a lot of resentments for having been. It's the child that you have to pay attention to.

Like, is this kid going to be okay with this? And was I respectful in how I presented them? And the child had no say in it. They might have some heavy feelings about it later. So just like sharing pics online, like you just, if it was you starting over with a baby and you're who you are. I, my kids were, there wasn't really no social media back then, but they were sort of out

there a little bit. When I had been doing a daytime television show, the producer's instinct was always to do something with my kids. And I did a nighttime when I was on HLN. Same thing. Drink your kids out on Father's Day. And they would kind of dutifully do it. And they were sort of towards the end of high school then.

And towards the end, they were like, do you understand we hate television? We hate these people. We hate everything about this. I was like, no, I didn't get it. I was just trying to do a good job. I didn't think about you. I'm fucked up. It was a horrible move as a dad. I am sorry.

Yeah. You know, it's okay to apologize for a thing. Nobody's, like we've been saying, nobody's perfect. I mean, if you blow it, I mean, you can apologize and then you can make amends, which is a different thing, right? Amends is cleaning up your side of the street, doing something to make things right, whatever that might be. I know, because then there's that label that gets thrown around, especially with me. We did the narcissist test last time we talked. Friends is cleaning up your side of the street, doing something to make things right, whatever that might be. I know, because then there's that label that gets thrown around, especially with me. We did the narcissist test last time we talked, and everyone's like, you're a narcissistic parent.

But borderline is a narcissistic condition. It's not narcissist per se. It's a narcissistic feature. I just don't think of myself as a narcissist. Well, you're in – let me frame it this way. You're not a narcissist in the sense you have a narcissistic personality. Borderline sociopath, antisocial, and narcissist all share a narcissistic core. And I'm of the opinion the reason they have that core is because you're walking around in a lot of pain all the time.

And when you're in pain, it's hard not to think about yourself first. Yeah. Is that accurate? Yeah. I think there's that portion of it. I think people are calling me narcissistic because when I had my daughter, is it narcissistic to say, oh, it's like a little me. Everyone's like, that's such a narcissistic thing to say. No, it's not. Because people came for me because I was like, it's a little me that I have to protect. That's what I was saying. Well, that's a narcissistic way of thinking. That's a little you. That's their own person. I'm going to try to shift this frame a little bit. Maybe the narcissistic piece is not what you said, but being preoccupied with what other people are saying about you. Interesting. Because that's the part that's hurting you.

And if you could find a way to put their shit aside and not take it so wounding. And that's called a narcissistic wound, right? Yeah. Maybe you can change that frame a little bit. Because I care so much what other people think. Because I do. And I don't think I can ever change that. No amount of work.

All I can do is ignore it. That's the only thing. And yet you bring on all the negativity. It's so wild to me how that happens. I know. And I try to stay so positive. Like I really try to go into that manifesting world and meditation world, positivity. Well, not only that, but, you know, I've known you for what, about eight years now, something like that?

You have changed a lot in a positive way. A lot. You're aware of that, right? Yes, I think so. Yeah, okay. But people will say people don't change just because they have a kid or whatever. But I feel like I changed before that too. You did.

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Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. And people do change because they have kids. Can we literally say that one more time? Because literally, people are like, oh, just because she has a baby doesn't mean she changed. But it changed me completely. Oh, people are often changed dramatically by having kids. Like so drastically.

Now your personality construct might be the same, but your choices and your priorities, everything shifts. Oh my gosh. No, I feel like that, like my selfishness like disappeared. Because I didn't have a maternal instinct right away. I wasn't super like, I didn't know what she needed when she cried and stuff like that. But I used to be super selfish where I'm like, it all has to be about me, where now it's just like if I'm like an hour away from her, I feel like guilty.

You know what I mean? I feel like this. Do you feel that is part of that guilt wanting to be around them because you love her so much? And also because my parents both worked a lot. So I never saw my mom. She just worked all the time. So it's your stuff again. But I would – that's okay.

But I would still focus on like how much positive feelings you have for this little being and that you want to be in that orbit all the time. She's pure. Like she's so pure where it's like it's so crazy to me to see someone just like not have any hate or bitterness or any bad intentions. When she sees people, she just smiles and people smile back. And I'm just like, gosh, like we were all at one point this like pure form. Yes. When did we become so hateful, so bitter and jealous and all? It's like.

It's a great thing to think about. And it seems everybody's that way. Is anyone pure anymore that just wants to see like good and happiness for everybody? Like nobody. Everyone's. It's not nobody. I think it's ultimately everybody. But everybody has been so injured and let down and wounded.

And it's a mess right now. And when they feel like that, they start looking for an escape code to express that the rages and they gather together and then they act out on one person. It's why you had guillotines, same thing. Oh, right. And that's very much what it's like. I feel like people just love a public shaming and, and sometimes like, sometimes it's necessary. I feel like there's some things I've done where people publicly shame me and I'm like, okay, I get it. But then there's other things where I'm just like, okay, like we're getting a little crazy. You know what I mean?

Like, especially with the mom, there's so much mom shaming. There's so much mom shaming and it's just like never good enough. I didn't breastfeed. So people are just like, oh, you're a horrible mom because you don't want to breastfeed. And I'm just like. We got to do something with you letting that shit in. You got to find a way to not let it hurt you. I mean, I literally just can't look at stuff for a

while well that's okay too but then i'm always just like but i like to i like to see what people say positive because there is a positive i'm sure there are i'm sure there are but you can have 20 positives i'm sure you've seen her do this 20 positives one negative that's the one she sees i mean that's normal human stuff i know i don't know so i don't know what the answer is and that that's the other question though okay so mentally ill people on social media. Yeah. Like, okay, when people have, I had some manic breakdowns. I exploited probably myself.

People always excuse other people of exploiting my mental illness, but I probably exploited it more than anyone. When I'd have a breakdown or when I'd have like these, you know, rages or whatever, I'd film it and it would get like a ton of views. This was back in like 2015, 2016. And so I was having manic breakdowns online and social media like didn't do anything about it but like were you using then pills again oh yeah yeah so i mean there was times too like 2018 like you know i was with someone who was just like i think

it's called pookie now meth is called pookie someone told me they're like were you on the pookie yeah yeah they would always just call it meth back and when i was yeah or tina i think someone told me oh no that's the tina and i was like oh i don't know anyways meth and I was and I was like heavily because I was dating someone it wasn't that I was a dude I actually hated it it was like maybe it wasn't meth it was like rocks going up my nose okay yeah they literally dropped me off at a hospital because I literally think I was like anyways that was a whole other thing but I was yeah I was using in all these videos for sure but I was so like manic high manic lows all this stuff like that but also just like on drugs you can see it in my eyes there was one video where people think it's like, it's like where I like identified as

like a chicken nugget and I was like being so serious about it, but I was like on drugs. And so everyone's just, but people are like, you can't just use that as a excuse. But I was like, I was, you know, I was like obviously on. Have you ever gone back and sort of evaluated those? Like do videos of you looking at those things, talking about what it's like to see it? What do you think, explaining what really was going on, that kind of stuff? I mean, I see the memes and I'm embarrassed. Maybe you and I should do that. That'd be so interesting.

Oh my God. I would be embarrassed, I think, for you to see me. I feel like you, because you've seen a little bit, but you haven't seen like, there was a time that I was... There's nothing you could do that I have not seen. You know what I mean? I don't know, Dr. Drew. Oh, no, no. I'm pretty mentally ill. I've seen where it goes. I've seen it. Really? Okay.

And by the way, to me, that's glorious because look, you're doing so much better. I mean, treatment works. That's the one big thing. Thank you. Yeah. And so to me, it's exciting. It's like, oh my God, look how you were. Look how far down you took it.

That's the only thing I'm thankful for. That's one thing. I'm glad that I have this. It's kind of embarrassing. It's a lot embarrassing. I see a road ahead for you too. I know you're resisting some of this stuff. I feel like I'm so old now and I'm just like, oh man, I wasted my youth being on drugs and just all over the place.

Yes, you were on drugs and you were all over the place, but people learn to get through those things by using them to make a difference and be helpful with it. I mean, making sense of it, making meaning from it. It got so bad where there was a time in 2019 where I said like, hey guys, I have an addiction to pills. And another addict online was like, she's lying. She's not an addict because I was functioning. Well, but I think I know why he might've been right because you had a dependency on pills, right? Like we've sort of been saying, addiction is a very specific genetic disorder, right? And it's a disorder of the motivational system. Essentially, your survival system gets taken over if you have certain genetic structures

and sort of the intracellular mechanisms of a place called the nucleus accumbens. And when that gets escalated over time, the thing turns on. There's also some downregulation of the executive function of your brain. And there's also the misery of being off the drug and that gets activated. So it has like three or four different components to it. But at its core, it's this overtaking of your survival system. And it's always there once it's triggered. It's like a switch that gets thrown.

And so if you get re-exposed to fentanyl like you did with pregnancy, you wake up and you're thinking, you start behaving like a drug addict. I'm not seeing any of that stuff with you. I'm seeing you being dysregulated, being traumatized, and needing to feel okay, and then making some pretty bad choices and getting there, and then having withdrawal, and then craving, and all that stuff. So maybe if I'm not an addict that way, we're talking about behavioral addictions earlier, but you never really gave me the solution for that, because that's what I need help with. Yeah. Behavioral addictions, what do you think is your worst?

Like food or shopping. What would you say, Moses? Food is hard. He gets more triggered by my shopping addiction. He gets. Scares him. I think the only, yeah. I think that's our only fights we ever have is when I buy a new purse and I'm hiding it. And you're hiding it.

Which is like an addict, right? The hiding stuff, yeah. Do you lie about it too? No, I come clean. Do you minimize? I also make videos about it, so he'll see it in the thumbnail and be like, did you just get this? And I'm like, no. And then I say, yes, yeah.

I used to be a really bad liar, but I actually don't lie anymore. I've really come over that. Good. I was a very pathological liar when I was young. People think I say that, and they're like, well, she's a pathological liar, so pathological liar now. But when I was young, I lied a lot for protection mostly. But I think it kind of became something in me. But now I don't.

Like when you ask me about a bag, I'm like, yeah. I just try to hide it. Just for people that don't understand why people lie, what was that about for you? Just protection. Just protection for me. Yeah. Like I didn't want people to know my home life. I didn't want people to know about my dad.

So I just like – Would you use it also to get attention or to make yourself inflated and stuff? Oh, yeah. I lied about stuff like my dad's rich. I have gold tap shoes at his house because he lived in California or whatever. Like I would just lie about the most random things. I lied that I had a twin sister. Like I don't know.

It just became like a habit I guess when I was younger. That's what starts to happen. It becomes habitual and you start losing track even of what's going on. Right. So then I think when I start talking about this stuff, everyone's like, well, she said she's a liar. So she lies. So it's just – that's why I'm saying there is a lot in this head right now that I'm just like, even doing this as we're talking about it. I'm like, God, I really want to talk about this stuff. But I know I just contradict myself in so many ways. I have trauma. I don't have trauma. I'm an addict. I'm not an addict. Like, you know all that together is the goal. So you have one cohesive experience. Yeah.

It's hard. I don't know if I have a cohesive experience. You have fragmented experiences. I get it. I get it. And this feels very uncomfortable. Yeah. So back to the shopping addiction, what do I do? So shopping, yeah, these are not easy things to treat. There are groups for these kinds of disorders. Gambling is the one that's the most effective. It's a GA. I don't have that. Yeah, there's overeating groups.

I've been to those and they don't help. I've been to SLA and they don't help. Did you get a sponsor in SLA? Oof. That's an answer people don't like. It's like I did have a sponsor. Why don't people like that? Well, because it turns sexual.

Oh, you seduced the sponsor? I don't know if I seduced them necessarily, but... Then why do you feel bad about it? I guess maybe I felt that way. It was a woman. So then I was just like, oh, okay. Like, I don't know. I guess I feel bad because I took them out of their... How long had she been sober? I don't know. I don't know. I would argue that she's the one that violated you. It's normal when you're a sex addict, trauma survivor, to try to be instinctively going after those boundaries and to have an erotic transference. That's part of the thing. And the sponsor is supposed to hold the line. Yeah. That did not happen.

I get it. And it's hard when addicts are helping other addicts, particularly around sex. I didn't think it was like a real addiction, like a sex addiction. I'm like, well, it's just sex. Like, it's just love. Like, it's okay to be addicted to love, right? No, not really. Because it's codependency. That's what I'm saying.

If you're codependent. And after we finish, I'll give you a good organization for this kind of stuff. But I... A group? Because I read codependent no more and it doesn't help. It's not really a group. I'm thinking of a particular therapist really. And I imagine she does all the other behavioral addictions too, I'm guessing.

Because it is bad. I mean food is bad. All this stuff is really bad where I binge. I mean it's like an eating disorder. That's a whole other thing. But I feel like – You just binge or do you binge and purge? Both.

Binge and purge. Now my pregnancy kind of saved me weirdly enough. I actually lost weight during my pregnancy. I felt full for the first time when I was pregnant because I carried high. Oh, good. So I would just eat normal amounts. And I'm like, wow. And I lost, like, so much weight.

And then I gained it back after pregnancy because I was back to my – but at the time, I was so – I felt so full I couldn't eat. And it was, like, such a great feeling. Yeah. And that needing to feel full is – Yeah. That emptiness. Do you have a lot of emptiness, too, feelings? I feel like, again, maybe this is, like like you should have a child to like fill you.

But I feel like she kind of like filled this like emptiness that I had for a long time, which is why I don't think my shopping addiction isn't as bad as it used to be. But like I will buy a new purse and here and there or whatever. But I just feel like it's better. The thing about the behavioral disorder is that it's hard to be completely abstinent, right? You have to eat. You have to have sex. And so you're still doing your behavior of choice. It makes it very, very difficult. And, and, you know, I'm, I just keep thinking it's

more with the trauma and the borderline stuff. That's really what's generating so much of this for you. So the trauma therapy is what you recommend. I'm just so bad at therapy. I don't think I'm like open enough. I just, I don't think it works. Sometimes it does. I have one therapist in West Hollywood who was great, but. How long were you with her? It was him. He's a gay guy, actually, which maybe is like what I needed. And a year and a half. Was he a sex therapist or is he? No, he actually was like, neither one. He kind of was just someone I was referred to me. I think he like specialized in like queer community. And I don't know why I like, like before. I do know a guy that does specialize in that community and he's a sex

therapist. Oh, he might be. We can talk about it. Yeah. But he was really good. And because I was struggling with gender and stuff at the time, I remember going to him and he helped me with so much more than that. But I should go back. It's a lot, Trisha. It's a lot to carry around, isn't it? It's a lot. I know. And so I'm just like, now talking about it. Where do you go with it? Where do you go with it? How do you get relief other than acting out? Acting out. I guess now I just kind of maybe suppress it. I just clear my mind and then suppress it. You do the meditation. Yeah. And it works. I don't think about anything until I start thinking about stuff. But I did a mental health podcast a couple of years ago. I just was not maybe the one to do it by myself.

That's why I wanted to do the podcast with you because so many people had questions because a lot of people, after seeing the episode we did about borderline, kind of how I thought with the DID, they're like, maybe I have this. And they have so many questions about it. Like, how do you overcome this? Yeah. Or Borderline, they ask. Maybe we should do a few shows where we take questions. Well, that's, yes.

Because people ask, and they ask me about you all the time. And they're like, okay, what about this? What about this? And I'm like, I can't answer that fully. We should do, maybe they just write in to the, do you have a website that they can just write them in? Yeah. And we'll just put them on a card and we'll just, we'll talk about them.

Yeah. We should do that. Okay. I would love. I know we're kind of far away, but I would love that because I love talking about it. When you're saying like what, the only reason I keep going. It would be, you know, the only reason you keep going. Is for that.

Because people are like, you help me. Like I see myself in you. Good. That's good. I see that you can have a stable relationship being borderline. I see you can have a successful job or friendships. I knew that. I knew you would have a positive impact.

I knew it. And the fact, but I didn't know, especially talking to you today, whether or not making that difference would be meaningful enough to you, if you could hear it, feel it. Oh, it's the only reason I'm like, still go. Otherwise I would just like literally hide. I could retire off my OnlyFans and never post again, you know, or just retire in general, just like sell a house or whatever. But it's like, I love, I love, one, I love it. I love the attention. Okay. But two, I love that I can help people because I love posting to get like feedback, just in general, me eating, whatever. But I love that like inadvertently I help people, eating disorders, people like, oh, I was able to eat because I saw you eating or whatever, you know, stuff like that.

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I don't think that's a secret. No, but you keep kind of expressing a little bit of guilt or ambivalence about it. Oh, about the attention? Yeah. You kept going. I don't know if it's like a bad thing. Don't you like a little attention? I mean, you do so many TV shows.

I'm saying, why don't you own it as just part of who you are and it's an okay thing. I thought it was just known because I'm an entertainer. No, but your feeling about it is what I'm addressing. Oh. Because you have all these ambivalent feelings about it. You've brought it up in a number of different contexts. About not wanting attention? About needing attention and how much you love it, but then kind of feeling a little guilty or unsure.

Well, then there's selective attention. I don't want attention when I go down the street or when I'm with my daughter. Like, don't look at us, you know? Okay, but you like attention. You don't feel bad about that. Yeah, I don't think so. I think it's obvious because I'm, like, online. But it is obvious that you like it, but you- Oh, just admitting to it. Okay. Owning it. I like attention.

Owning it. Yeah. Owning it. Because that's a part of yourself, right? Right. And you're trying to figure out who is Trisha really at her core. It's part of your core. It's fine. It's okay. You've made an art form of it. Right. Well, then there's that bad attention too where I don't really want to like exploit myself. But I feel like I've gone through enough to like help other people who don't know and don't recognize. The exploiting yourself stuff is the trauma. Yeah.

That's where that gets me. Because that's embarrassing. Like I look back and I'm like, oh my God, why was I doing that? It's like one, I liked attention. Two, I liked money. You know, whatever. Again, I'm thankful because now people can see, I guess, whatever. But you need to get more insight

into why you were doing that stuff. Things when you ask yourself, why was I doing that? You need to answer that question somehow. I mean, I think, yeah, I think there's a tension really. I'm like, I'm dealing with this. I might as well make money off of it. I'm dealing with this. I might as well get used.

What do you mean dealing with it? Like I'm going to go through these emotions like after a breakup and I'm going to be so pissed. Like I might as well just like put it all on camera so people can see it or me. Oh, that's the emotional stuff. Yeah, that's what I think. Gosh, it would be interesting to look at that all now.

Oh my God. I know. It's crazy. Cause it's, but, but it affects you longterm. That's why I like tell people when I was doing my little podcast, I had it just upstairs and it was, I was just telling people like, you know, ultimately though, it just looks bad. Like I've seen other people do manic episodes, like manic breakdowns online on live streams,

all stuff like that. And it's weird to me, like social media doesn't step in. Cause don't you think like authority step in right if you're like the reason i got 51 50 in the second time is people called in i was manic on like instagram story yeah and they called in and i'm just surprised like more social media doesn't take like accountability for people who have like public manic breakdowns because it's a publishing platform i mean it's it's just a just put stuff up they have no they don't publish you know i mean they're not no really accountability for what's on there really and And as soon as they take accountability,

then they're, they get threatened by the government that they're, you know, they're no longer just a platform for. I see so many people. I think the, I think it's the us, the users have to take responsibility for that. But when you say you were in a manic episode, what were the features? Oh, I mean, I mean, anything. I mean, there would be just like. Were you hallucinating? Were you? Oh, hallucinations. Oh, I mean, there, I swore there was a vampire in my house you're delusional oh for sure like I like to this day hand to god like I really thought some somebody was taking the tampons out of my trash and like like I don't know stealing them eating them whatever eating them 100 thought it was 100 real to this day because I remember it so vividly I remember talking about it and I was just like

it's crazy to me I remember hearing a dog speak vividly. And to me, you know, we talk about blacking out and not remembering stuff. And I was like, God, I remember it so vividly. Like this dog, like knew my passcode. I remember the drug addict that I was with. And I don't mean that in a harsh term. He's an addict. Were you doing meth at that time?

This was heroin in 2019. Oh, my goodness. He was injecting me. I never did it before. Wow. And he was injecting me. I did it when I was 18. But he was like injecting me.

We were, I was just, I was like, I don't know how I survived. But his dog was talking to me, which, I mean, heroin's not hallucinogen as far as I know. It is. I'm wondering if the meth was mixed in. You were speedballing. Well, we did a lot. We did a lot.

But it was his dog. It's a triumph that you're alive. It's crazy. I don't know. My body. It's a triumph. You should be proud of yourself for surviving through stuff that other people don't survive.

No. And last year, two of those guys that I did meth with passed away. I was really sad. It was actually really- Yeah. These are deadly conditions. Deadly, deadly. Oh my God.

I was really sad. You're here for a reason. You've got to keep thinking that. And the extent to which you can shed light on this stuff for other people could be a big deal. I try. I just also don't want to hurt people anymore. Like the community stuff. I don't want to like be a harm. Like I don't want people to feel some type of way about me and get triggered

by, I feel like people get triggered by me going back to the cancellation. Like they see me on something or they see me and then they get like triggered. So I don't want to like trigger anyone either. I don't know. But so many people give me positive feedback that I'm like, okay, I'll just keep doing it. And they really, really liked you. So I was very happy you came on day because people knew you got me and I knew you got me. I get you. I, like I okay, I'll just keep doing it. And they really, really liked you. So I was very happy you came on day because people knew you got me and I knew you got me. I get you. Like I said, I've worked with these conditions my whole career. I enjoy it. I get what you do to yourselves with it. Interesting. I feel like you're a little more centered right now, like right this minute. Yeah, it was a whirlwind we just went through. Yeah. But you're pretty centered right now.

And that's good. That's a very positive thing. I bet you couldn't even get like this 10 years ago or eight years ago. Oh, no. Like to get myself back in. Yeah, no. I don't even like to cry anymore, really. I really don't like to cry because I don't. Because you've done so much of it. I've done so much of it.

And I'm just like that. I'm past that point in my life. I think just talking to you and just like saying this and just having you here, it just helps. And not just because you're a man, but because you're a professional at this. Well, I get what you're going through. And back when I came on the podcast, you podcast, when the shitstorm developed around all that, then who knows what shitstorm today will create. We're trying to be conscious about it, not that who the hell knows.

And neither of us like it, for the record. Neither of us like shitstorms. We don't like it. Yet we both seem to attract them. What is that? What's that psychology? I always try to take responsibility for everything that happens to me, even when it feels out of my control. I always think, what was my role in this? How did I get here? How do you get canceled beyond me? You're just like a doctor over here.

I'm just trying to help. But that's offensive to people, I guess. Or they will say things like, I can't believe you talked to Tricia publicly about these issues. That should all be behind a closed door. And it's like, that's up to Tricia, not up to you. I've been begging you for so long to talk to me about this. The point is we are doing this for a purpose. The purpose is Tricia has been through a lot of treatment.

She's struggled with these conditions for a while. And her progress is inspirational and illustrative of something that a lot of people deal with. These are common things. And God knows the drug stuff today is – we barely got into addictions. I know. There's so much more to talk about that and the postpartum stuff and just being – because there's a lot of stuff I talked about postpartum that – I do think that new medication is going to be really good. Really?

I do. Yeah. But you had the baby blues. You didn't have a real true postpartum. Yeah, I didn't think so. But again, I had a husband that stayed up with the baby all night. Like I never stayed up with her, which also I feel guilt to that. You know, I'm like, why can't I stay up with my own baby?

You know what I mean? I was sleeping through. You've expressed guilt many, many, many times. I'm always feeling guilt. Do you feel shame? Yeah. You feel both guilt and shame. Oh, I still feel it.

I still feel like I'm not a good enough mom because Moses does so much. He's so instinctual. And I feel like I'm just like not good enough yet. You know, he's so good at it. And me, I'm still like, oh, changing a diaper. Like I'm just not maternal yet, you know? And it's like, and I wanted to be a mom more than anything. So it's like, that's what's so frustrating.

And I feel shame and I feel bad that he takes care, does a lot of the caregiving and people see it online and call him a mom or call him my assistant. And it's just like, he does so much. Do you mind it? No. Okay. Shut up. They call him a mom or call him my assistant. And it's just like, he does so much. Do you mind it? No. Okay. Shut up. This is a couple navigating parenthood.

It's not easy if you've done it. They're like, he does all the work. Judge not, lest ye be judged. I'm sure you're all perfect. I'm sure. Did you just come up with that? No, the Bible said that. I was like, that's so good.

I like that quote. Judge not, lest ye be judged. Yeah, it's hard. And we've lost track of that completely in this country. Everyone feels like completely like judge and jury. It's crazy. They're like, oh my God, Moses takes care of the baby. And I'm just like, then I'm like, um. What's going to be important to your child is you getting as far down the line of recovery

as you possibly can. You getting better is going to mean everything to the child. I'm trying. I work on that every day. Because that's the one thing. And I just want her to know she's like loved and I don't want her to feel abandoned. I don't want anything. So I'm just around her all the time because I just don't want her to feel like what I felt or go through what I threw. Because being a girl, once I found out I had a girl, we thought we were having a boy. And once we found out we

had a girl, I think people thought I was disappointed. I was just scared. I was like, shit, like she is going to go through so much. And I'm like, I felt, that's guilt. I felt guilt. And it's also back to that envy about how men feel. Do you think men aren't as sensitive as girls? Oh, no. They're not as sensitive as girls. A fact. Men. Yes. They're not as sensitive. Girls are more sensitive than men. But you know, this is an interesting topic. I agree with you in principle, but little boys are very sensitive, probably more than little girls. Really? particularly when it comes to mom and stuff, like exquisitely sensitive. It's something that a lot of first-time moms and stuff

see in the males and are surprised. Now, testosterone and development and everything takes care of a lot of that. Yeah, it's like, what goes on and they change. Yeah, they become something a little different. But we still are somewhat that way in our core as men. And so the role of a woman for a straight man can be extremely delicate for a man. They don't like crying. Every guy I've ever been with, like, oh, my God, crying, fake, you're faking it, blah, blah, blah. Like, that's always – You're faking it or you're accusing him of faking it?

No. If I cry, you're faking crying. Stop it. Like this stuff, you know? Yeah. So, again, just because we're trying to keep this as educational as possible, that's kind of how borderlines sometimes express themselves. They feel disconnected from their feelings to the observer. I've not really seen you do much of that, but I'm sure –

What, the crying? The disconnect from the crying, expressing emotion, but to an observer feeling disconnected from the feelings. Oh, no. I think my cries are real. I mean, I've always – I can honestly say I never fake crying. I always real. I wish I could fake. I mean, that it can be – it can look not super connected to the feelings. I mean, I've always, I can honestly say I never fake crying. I always real. I wish I could. Fake, I mean, that it can be, it can

look not super connected to the feelings. I know. Yeah. I get it. But that's how people perceive it sometimes, so. Well, there you go. I mean, there's so much more. I have more. We can talk about Barbie. There's so much more. What about Barbie? Trying to get pregnant again. Oh, you're pregnant again? Trying to get pregnant again.

Are you just doing it the natural way, or are you? Well, I did the HSG test again, and it didn't work this time. I did that. That's how we got pregnant the first time. They kind of clear your tubes. I don't know if it's really meant to get pregnant, but it works. HSG is a history of cell pancogram. Yes. So you have some tubal stuff going on. And so I always had scarring. They told me I was infertile for so long. It was crazy. But we're trying to get pregnant again and we just did the HSG test. Have you ever had an ectopic pregnancy? No. Okay. So you'll probably get pregnant. I don't know.

It just happened in June, so we've been trying now. They said three months, it clears your tubes basically, but we haven't got pregnant, so it's giving me a whole new depression. I've been trying to put my legs over my head. But there's so much fertility treatment, my goodness. I mean, don't worry about that. Just do it if you want to get pregnant. Yeah.

There's that. But also- Our kids are a product of a fertility campaign. Okay. And she had an HSD, and she has a fertility campaign. Okay. And she had HSG. And she has a congenital problem. She'd had anectopic. And she had a congenital problem with the fimbria, the things that bring the egg in.

Oh, my gosh. And so we became dependent on fertility treatment. Oh, see, that's another reason I should have your wife on the podcast. Do you think she would do it? Oh, there's no doubt she would do it. I would love to. Because that kind of stuff is so interesting to me because it's stuff people don't talk about a lot. I wonder if you guys would get along. Oh, I think so.

Just through email, I feel like we vibe. Okay, good. She's very cool and chill. You never know. You never know. Especially with me, not to whatever, get back to me. But I feel like, well, now I'm married, so I feel like it's a little safer. But I feel like there was a time where everyone was just thinking I just wanted every guy that I would talk to.

I got accused of that a lot. Even if they were gay, whatever, they're like, oh, Trisha's flirting so hard with this person. Because I'm very usually flirty by nature again before I was married. So I got accused of that a lot. Even if they were gay, whatever, they're like, oh, Trisha's flirting so hard with this person. Trisha wants... Because I'm very usually flirty by nature again before I was married, so I feel like people like that. But again, that might be the trauma coming through. You don't even realize it. It makes you appear like you're being alluring. And again, the people around you that care about you are supposed to hold the line. They're supposed to stop responding to that shit so you can feel safe. Because as soon as somebody responds to it, you're not safe anymore.

It's just the same old thing acting out over and over again. Yeah. I also feel like it was just my way of making people feel good about themselves. So I'd be like, wow, you look so great. But then it's like flirting. So now I just don't talk to anyone about anything. But back to that, I know when someone was married, I'd just be like, oh my god.

The wives would always hate me. But when I was younger, now I'm non-threatening. I was like, whatever. Also, I married to the best person. When I was younger, now I'm like non-threatening, you know, it's like, whatever. Also, I married to like the best person. When I was younger, I think I was attracted to like attached people. That's a whole other thing, being attracted to like people who are taken. You were a poacher. I wasn't because I didn't like it, but I think inadvertently I kind of was because when you're so young, you're just like, oh my God, like I must be so special. But that's the attention thing, right? Yeah, celebrity obsession.

That and there's something that women have a separate motivational system that I only recently learned about of being chosen. Women like to be chosen. Like, you're the one. They love that. Men have zero of that. We just like to, you know, get what we want. But we don't care if you choose us or not. Is that why?

Because I'm obsessed with celebrities. I'm like, have a, okay, celebrity rehab. Yeah. Back to that again. But I, in a way, and I know it's not the majority, so I don't want to say it glamorized. Like teen pregnancy, everyone's like, it glamorizes, but like not. But it a way, and I know it's not the majority, so I don't want to say it glamorized teen pregnancy. Everyone's like, it glamorizes, but not. But it did kind of glamorize it.

I thought, well, if I go to rehab, maybe I'll meet a celebrity because that's what you always heard, right? In shows like Dickie Roberts, like Brandon Fraser was in the AA meeting. Yeah, I mean, there are plenty of celebrities in treatment and in AA meetings and things. And if that motivates you to get in, fine, as far as I'm concerned. There was someone who was on your show that I reached out to, and I was 15, and I was like, hey, what's up? Believe me, the staff, if you go into a treatment program, will prevent that from becoming a thing. Well, then it's after, because you see them on TV. I would see an addict on your show when I was literally 15, and I wrote to them. I think it was just email back then, and it was

just like, I don't know, the fact that they responded to me, I was like, ooh. And then I think I got the sex addiction from that. So I think he's good now. I think he's clean now. You got sex addiction? No, I think he was the one that kind of introduced me to like, no, sex in general as a young age, like when I was like 15, 16. This celebrity person.

I can tell you later. That is not good. We can cut that off or whatever if you want. We can edit it. I mean, it's just not good. Yeah, it was crazy. But back to that, as I would watch your show and I'd see like these celebrities and it was like, in a way, it wasn't glamorous because so many of them like passed away too, which

is like so sad. But at the same time, there was a time where I'm like, oh, it's iconic. I love people like Anna Nicole Smith. I'm like, I should die young. And then not anymore since I've had a kid. Well, so. But I used to be like that. So those were, they were serious addictions.

Their probability of living past 50 was low because of the addictions and things. And the ones that really got fully into recovery, they're going to live a long life. But if there's any slipping and sliding, life is short. And often ended by my peers back in those days when they were giving them bottles of pills and stuff. Terrible. It's so sad.

But to me, again, I looked at that when I didn't care about living. And again, I wasn't suicidal, but I was like, if I die when I'm 30, it's everything. Well, you have to be careful. The borderline can have a shortened life expectancy too. And the more you get treatment, the more you get through it, the less it affects you that way. I'm trying to live. I'm manifesting. I'm going to live to be 100. I'll see Malibu at 70. I really do want to live a long time, which is why I'm trying to be better. And I feel like with the food, I'm kind of getting better. We go on walks every day. I'm trying to be healthier.

Yeah. I feel like that's kind of why I'm not jumping into the conversation about behavioral addictions with you so much again, because it's the borderline stuff that really creates a lot of this. And if you get the borderline stuff to settle down with DBT, and if you can get some trauma treatments, and if you can get some balance back in your life, a lot of these things will kind of settle. You know, you got to have the right treatment for the right condition, right? And calling everything addiction isn't necessarily always the right thing. And you do have some manic qualities, right? And I could see why they would go, are you sure you don't want some medication? I could see why they would go that way. But if you take care of yourself and sleep

right and eat right, and do you work out? Yeah. Well, I go on walks. I want to get like a trainer and all that stuff like that. Why don't you do that? Yeah. I think that would help because I do take a lot of like, again, probably more time than I should as a new mom for like me. You know, I try to like have me time because otherwise I go like a little. Well, you have a, I mean, let's call it, well, it's kind of a strong word, but you have a condition.

I was going to say disability. It's not really disabling, but it's a condition. If you don't manage it, it'll affect your parenting. Yeah. It will. That's what I like look out for the most. Should we talk about one more thing before you go? Barbie? Yeah. disabling but it's a condition if you don't manage it it'll affect your parenting yeah well that's what i like look out for the most should we talk about one more thing before you go barbie yeah because i feel like we talked about men okay and like envy and all stuff like that i feel and i feel like it was just interesting because i didn't know your take on this we talked about before

you're kind of on the side so many like conservative people are very like anti-barbie i talked so it's a bunch of people talking about it and he's like so angry at the film yeah i'm just like i i've heard both sides. And I wonder which way. I haven't seen it yet. I wonder which way I was going to go. I haven't seen it. And I only see films on planes.

That's typically where I see films. Oh, okay. But my daughter had an extremely positive reaction to it. Which is lame. Like she did a YouTube or an Instagram post where she was crying. How moved she was. How much it made her remember what it felt like to find feminism for the first time and empowerment

and how deeply meaningful that was to her. And then I saw Marc Maron doing the same thing. And Marc's a guy I've had kind of admiration and respect for for a long time. And he was really good and clear about it, why it was good. Oh, he said he was good. He also did like a TikTok or an Instagram post or something. And I was like, oh, well, I think I'm going to like, I bet I'm certainly primed to like it. Are you a feminist? Am I a feminist? I am not in the classic sense, but I certainly am highly supportive of women. I idealize women a little bit. Oh, interesting.

Yeah. And Carolla gives me shit all the time because I used to say all the time that we need more female empowerment. We need the female brain involved more. It's a better system than the male brain and stuff, and it's not as simple as that. It's not as simple as that. Well, I knew him from like the man show, and it's funny to see how Jimmy Kimmel like flipped like full like he's so like – I know. He's full woke.

Yeah, which is crazy. I'm like in the middle because I think woke culture is like a lot. I'm in the middle too. I'm independent. I would think you're more on the conservative because you're on Rumble and stuff now. It's like, okay, getting... No, I just go wherever people will have me, frankly. And I really am just intrigued. I'm very much interested in free speech. I very much feel like we should be. Totally, yeah. And part of the reason I'm interested in free speech is people

that want to cancel and clamp down misinformation. I worked in a psychiatric hospital for 35 years. When you silence things, when you push down information, you make things 50 times worse, particularly if people are already paranoid. You've been paranoid, I'm sure, at times. Yes. And somebody started going, I can't tell you about that. You immediately jump into action. For sure. You get 50 times worse. Fresh air, sunshine. That's my whole solution to all the bullshit right now. More information.

If it's bad, you decide. That's all. Right. Just as long as it's out there. I've been telling people there's been aliens for a very long time before the government. Maybe you're right. I'm open to it. I don't know.

I've seen them for real. And I think this was maybe when I was doing drugs. Maybe not. I don't remember. But I've seen them. And I've seen them. And I've talked about this for so long. And all of a sudden, now it's confirmed.

Well, I confirmed. I don't know. I'm still skeptical. Are you? No, it's confirmed. Well, I confirmed. I don't know. I'm still skeptical. Are you? No, it's confirmed. I'm still skeptical, but I'm open to it. I've seen them. I'm open to it. I don't see ghosts. I don't believe in ghosts, but I've seen the aliens.

But it's interesting to me that when people see aliens, they always look the same. So either that's something our brain does that makes them look like that or they actually look like that. I think they actually look like that. So I'm still waiting to see. When I get to meet one, I'll- Maybe if we do a podcast, we can have them come on because- We can track them. I'm not kidding.

I'm not kidding. They come in my dreams a lot. So I feel like now that I'm vocal about it, the more I talk about it, I think they'll like come out or they'll let me come in. And so Rogan was talking recently about this notion that the worlds may have been destroyed repeatedly, and then we come and build civilization. I'm kind of in that kind of mode, that an asteroid hits and destroys everything. Don't we all die then?

You restart. You restart. That has happened over many millennia. I suspect something like that has happened. Really? When? Soon? Oh, no.

When's it going to happen? I don't know. Oh, I can't predict that. I'm just thinking that it had happened. That scares me. I think we will do everything we can to prevent that. We'll fire rockets at it and stuff like that. Are you a Joe Rogan fan?

I am. He once saw my OnlyFans and said, ugh, live on air. He said, ew, you can have that. Not a feminist, Joe Rogan. Not a feminist. Let's see what we do with that to kind of make you manage it better. I got a little triggered by it.

I'm not going to lie. Even though I did not care. I only know him from Fear Factor, and I kind of loved him on Fear Factor. But I was like, oh, why did he say that? Unwarranted. Right. He doesn't know me.

My trolling, nothing. Correct. Everyone's entitled to their opinions, whatever. I mean, you have to say ew about someone's like looks. It's a bad, it hurts my heart to hear people do that to anybody. No, you shouldn't do that. Yeah. But you know.

But I did get 300 new subscribers to my OnlyFans. So thank you, Jeff. His ick gave me $3,000. Yeah. And they're not saying ick, right? Yeah. They love him. There's a whole scar fetish out there because I have a lot of scars on me. But I don't show my C-section scar. I show the boob scar because I had my boobs done. They love it. They love a liposuction scar. There's a whole scar community out there. Oh, that's so interesting. People are so fascinating. It's so fascinating. They love it. When it comes to fetishes, there's like an unlimited range. So cool.

It's actually, that's what I'm saying. Some of that's kind of cool because I gained a lot of weight, but some people are really into like bellies. Oh, yeah. People are, there's a whole fat fetish thing or belly fetish or whatever. I was like, okay, I'll take it, I guess, for now. But again, it's kind of weird. I don't know.

Some people wanted to see the C-section. I was like, no, it's no C-section scar. That's weird. Whatever. Listen, if it's helping and making somebody happy, who am I to say? Who am I to say? That's where I'm trying to go back. I'm kind of like, well, I'm bringing joy to some people.

I don't know. I'm torn by it, but you can still subscribe because it's up right now. So you like Barbie? Oh, I loved it. I love Barbie. I thought it was so great. I thought it gave such a good message. To me, I have to think the really right-wing people, I think they just maybe do it for

attention, right? A bunch of people have to, he doesn't care that much about Barbie the movie. No, but I wish, what I'm hearing about it that I think is going to bother me is the over-the-top element, which of course it is kind of like a cartoon, right? It's a movie. It's Barbie land. But like when she goes and apparently when she addresses the board of Mattel, right? Yes. They're all men.

Yeah. The board of Mattel is like half and half or 60% men or something. And that's kind of like, we're better than that. We've actually done better. But I think it's the visual. It's the overall meaning. It's the cartoon. It's like how I think of the world. I think it's all these men judging me and stuff. So it's like kind of that thing when it's actually like...

All these men judging you. Yeah. That's how a lot of women feel all the time. It's awful. So seeing that in the movie, you're kind of like, yeah, like trying to put you back in the box and trying all this stuff when you're like the star of the show. Men are walking around suffering too, you know. It's hard for me to see it because I'm so like wounded by them. I'm kind of like, oh, you're fine.

You're a man. Which is like my, I know it's like the wrong way of thinking. You got to kind of work on that. We got to work. Empathy for you is something you got to kind of, you lose empathy in certain, when certain things grip you. It's just the heterosexual men, but I'm going to work on it. They need love too, the Kens.

I mean, some of them are awful and some of them are not. So it's like everybody. I need to meet a good one. Besides you and Moses. So there's a beginning. Are you fluid sexually? No.

Never? Not even in the seventies? No, not even in the seventies. Wow. I like women, period. Okay, so you're the one, you're the hetero that I can start with. Then I'm like, okay, you're okay.

No, I had zero. And you didn't abandon your daughter or anything like that? No, no, no. And I'm like, okay, you're okay. No, I had zero. And you didn't abandon your daughter or anything like that? No, no, no. And I've like had it in, like I really was attracted to my wife like over the moon. And I feel the same way today as I did 40 years ago. Oh my gosh. We can keep ourselves up.

You guys both look like so good. But it's so lucky. I feel so lucky that that thing that was there at the beginning is there today, 40 years later. That's crazy. Never cheated, nothing. No. Wow. Because everyone I know is like, they maybe like cheat. That's crazy. Never cheated, nothing. No. Wow. Because everyone I know is like, they maybe like cheat, especially a celebrity.

I feel like there's that temptation. You never had it? Sure. But I won't, it feels like I'd be attacking my marriage and my kids. Yeah. That's how I feel too. My family. Like why everyone a good thing.

With so many guys. Well, and I know also, I also know that it diminishes the primary relationship. I've just seen it. You know, again, I've dealt with people forever. And I've seen polyamorous and all that stuff. It just diminishes the primary thing until it depletes it. And you've got to invest in it all the time. And protecting it and all that is really a part of it.

But I think, again, the guys are the ones that cheat more than women. I think there's a statistic on that. I mean, I don't know the statistic. I think that's true. I think that's true. The men just do it more. They're just like, especially like famous guys that. I mean, I don't know the statistic. I think that's true. I think that's true. The men just do it more. They're just like, especially like famous guys. They just like, I don't know, or just guys in general.

They throw away like a really hot thing for just like a random one-time hookup and ruin their whole family. That's weird to me. People do that. Like the Ariana Grande situation. Have you followed that? No. Oh, she was married.

There's a guy in her new movie that was married and they both divorced their spouses. His wife came out and said that, yeah, it's Arianaana like we got divorced and it's because my family was collateral basically they just had a baby he just had a baby six months ago and now they're together and everyone's kind of like oh like you know looking type you don't follow pop culture i do not oh you're not on tiktok i am a little bit but but not i don't i but I watch nerdy stuff. Like what? Physics. Oh, my God. I'm so Dr. MBO.

It's crazy stuff. But I'm kind of disappointed when people do that. I'm a codependent, right? So it's hard for me to hurt other people. It's very hard for me. Yeah. And especially someone you love and that's there for you. I could never do it.

I love celebrities. I love celebrities. And my husband puts up with it so well. I watch The Idol on the weekend. I don't care about the weekend. I never saw his music. But as soon as I saw this, he was very sexual. And I'm like, ooh. Like I love celebrities. I love celebrities. And my husband puts up with it so well. Like I'll see a, like I watched the Idol on the weekend. I never, I don't care about the weekend. Never saw his music. But as soon as I saw this, like he was very sexual and I'm like, Ooh, he's so hot. And my husband like is okay with like me saying it's like hot, but I would never, ever do

anything. Cause like, he's the only person who's like ever like put up with me and liked me and loved me. And so that's why he knows that he's feels, he feels secure with you. Yeah. He trusts you. He saved me from so many possible, like bad drug. Like I was like in a K hole one time at the W and he came and picked me up

and we weren't even dating. I was doing a shoot or whatever. And he came, but it was my first time drinking on ketamine, which I like never did. And he came to the W Hotel. We weren't even talking for like a month. He came, picked me up. Like he's seen me so many times.

So I really do believe. So you like ketamine? Yeah, I guess so. So ketamine is a dissociative. It makes dissociation worse. And so you've used dissociation as your means of dealing with feelings. So it makes sense that you would amplify that. It was dissociation worse. And so you've used dissociation as your means of dealing with feelings. So it makes sense that you would amplify that.

It was a new drug for me. And this was like 2020. This was like a new one for me. And I was like, oh, I really liked it. I did 2018 too. But it was interesting because it sounds so scary, but it was so fun. Not good. Don't do it. Yeah. I mean, don't do drugs. Were you snorting it or shooting it? What did you? That was, I don't remember. We were drinking. Is there GHBs drinkable? Yeah, maybe that was. GHBs a little.

Maybe that was it. Maybe that was it. And it was something there. Like you could go on a K-Hole or something and I was like, you drink. And I definitely was. And he like saved me. He saved my life so many times. So it's like – anyways, that's a whole other thing.

Well, you got a good guy. Congratulations. He's great. Thank you. You have a baby. Congratulations. And you're thriving. And you're making progress.

Thank you. And you're helping other people, I hope, by sharing this stuff. Again, that's our goal. I hope so. That's the only reason I say all this stuff because it is embarrassing, even the mom stuff being so new. I want to be the perfect mom,

but at the end of the day, it's just like I'm not there. Nobody is. Nobody's the perfect mom. And thank you for coming here. My pleasure. And for always, always. There's a lot.

Hopefully, we'll do some more where we take your questions. Look to some old videos. And analyze some old videos. You can tell if I was on drugs or not because people are like, you weren't. I'm like, you can tell. Your eyes, you can tell if someone's on drugs. But it people are like, you weren't. I'm like, you can tell,

like your eyes, like you can tell if someone's on drugs. But it'll be interesting sorting out what's mania, what's withdrawal, what's drugs, how do you, it's really hard

to figure these things out. It's like a game show. Like manic or not. I love it. Danics with drawl or mania, which is it? We'll set up a game board. Stay tuned.

So much fun. Well, Dr. Drew, I love your Twitter, by the way. The talk sessions you do, it always says Dr. Drew's hosting at the top. Oh, that's fine. Thank you. I love you everywhere.

And I think it's amazing. Your Facebook show, I love. I know you're more medical. I'm like, I want to come on your show. Your producer was like, well, it's more medical now. I'm like, I can talk about medical stuff. But you can come here. Yeah, I'll come here.

But maybe we'll do something. We'll figure something out. So yeah, some more. I would love it. Once a week, check up with Dr. Drew. Yeah, yeah. I know you're very busy. It's hard to get you here. But I need it. I think week, check up with Dr. Drew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you're very busy. It's hard to get you here.

But I need it. I think you're the only therapist I'll, like, talk to because you're a celebrity. Well, and I'm not sure that's a good thing, A. And then, B, we're not doing therapy. You and I are not doing therapy. Right, right. You have to say it right. We're talking about your life.

We're talking about understanding things. We're talking about educating other people. I mean, talking is kind of therapy, isn't it? It's, you know, it's not the work. It's, it's sort of more the, um, the way I think about like these kinds of conversations is like, hmm, it's sort of a way of getting you to the point where you're willing and wanting to do the work. Right. Right. And so you're in this sort of contemplative phase. I don't want to do this. I do this, this, this, you know, therapy doesn't work for me, whatever it is. And then we talk about these things and you go, hmm, maybe I do want to work on some of

these things. So it puts you in this sort of phase of moving towards actually doing the work. But I feel healed just talking to you. So I feel like I don't need to go to- No, healed. Oh, healed. Well, I noticed you were able to really center yourself, which was very interesting. Yeah, I feel better.

I don't think you could have done that in the past. No, right. But that's a very, very positive thing that you're doing. Thank you. All right, guys. That's it for Jess Trish. I really do sincerely apologize to the DID community. I never meant to hurt you.

To the trans community, you guys know I love you more than anything. And the hetero community, I'm working on it. I'm going to try and find some empathy. She hates me and Moses. She's very clear about that. But we'll bring her around. Don't you worry. Check out Dr. Drew all over social media, his Facebook Live and Twitter hosting and

Rumble and YouTube and Jess Trish and maybe our own podcast soon. You never know. Thanks Dr. Drew for being here. We'll see you next time. Bye.