Just Trish - Loren Gray Opens Up About Past Miscarriage, Abuse & Mental Health Struggles

Episode Date: March 29, 2024

🚨 CW: This interview contains discussions about miscarriage, SA, and ED. On episode 65 of 'JUST TRISH', social media and pop music sensation Loren Gray bravely opens up to Trisha about overcoming her past struggles. From experiencing a miscarriage when she was just a teenager to surviving a physically violent SA, Loren hopes to encourage and empower younger viewers by sharing the traumatic details of her story. Plus, she reveals why she immediately forgave Trish for shading her in the past. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, welcome to the Just Trish podcast and I am here joined by, you were once the most followed person on TikTok, but still, I don't know anyone who has bigger numbers, but maybe I'm just out of it. 54 million followers on TikTok. TikTok superstar and also like mainstream singing sensation, Lauren Gray. Thank you. I don't think anyone's ever seen me. I mean, you are, it is crazy. I always knew you were like mainstream, but I didn't know you like started from TikTok. Like I didn't know those were your beginnings yeah just like my whole childhood that's crazy plastered on me wait so how old were you when you did musically uh I started when I was 13 like accident we oh right okay oh my god it's gonna take me a minute to settle in I'm so nervous

you look great you look like Britney Spears you walked in literally looking like Britney Spears I'm not a girl not yet a woman you have a country vibe to you today, which I love. With the boots, the big buckle. Thank you. That's sort of, that's like, I went through a thing in like 2022 where I was so yeehaw. And now I just, the remnants of yeehaw are back to it. Yeah, I love it though. I love a little yeehaw.

You look so, wait, do you think you'd ever go country? I know you're like pop girl, but. I love country music. Yeah. I think I would try. I have like some songs that lean that way to country really yeah but country music is like it's you know there's a lot to it yeah yeah yeah it's like a whole you do a lot of sadness and stuff like that too I feel

which I feel like I do totally when I like there's certain TikToks I see where I'm like oh my god this just like the way you're so casual about some things. I'm just like, oh my gosh. Oh yeah. I just, it's coping. Yeah. No, for sure. Like, yeah. I mean, that's the way you got to do it. Some people are like, okay, how are you talking about this and making light of it? But it's like, sometimes that's what you have to do.

Yeah. And also like, I feel like everything that I've experienced in my life kind of feels like it's not me. I don't know how to explain it. Okay. So when I was reading our DMs, that was a DM and I hadn't seen it and you sent it to me. I was so excited to come here because I watched an episode of you with Dr. Drew. Because I watch everything that you do. And I always have. But I watched that and I've never heard anyone talk about that feeling of

like feeling like I'm a liar when I talk about things that like happen. Yeah. Because I just feel so removed in a weird way. And oh my gosh, we're getting deep, like right off the top, like hello, like good morning, 11 in the morning. Dr. Drew, thank you. But yeah, I had never heard anyone really talk about that. And it's just something that I've always dealt with. It's almost like, almost, it's a little disassociating, but it's also a little bit like, did that happen? It's almost like, you can't believe it. Like it's a very, it's a very, it's very surreal to me too. I've been like there before and I'm sometimes like, I just, I talk about it with a smile on my face as if I'm telling a story, like a movie I watched or

something. Yeah. And I just like, that's why I'm, I've had so many people tell me that I need to go to therapy, which I mean, ouch. Okay. I get it. But people rely on the internet. Like everyone is like, I'll go to therapy. And I would, but I'm just kind of scared to like unpack things because I feel like I've done such a good job of existing without unpacking. And I know that sounds so unhealthy and so bad. And I advocate for literally everyone else to go to therapy. But me, I'm just terrified. Well, at 21, you're 21, right?

Yeah. At 21, I mean, I definitely was never interested in therapy. Because it's just like you do have such a grip on life. Like you just said you like have this like house now and you're like you're 21, right? Yeah. At 21, I mean, I definitely had – was never interested in there. Because it's just, like, you do have such a grip on life. Like, you just said you, like, have this, like, house now. And you're, like, you're in this, like, adult era. And it's kind of like, oh, I have a grip on it. I don't need to go. Which may be the case is.

But sometimes it just makes you feel better without even knowing. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't know. It's just, like, something I like to keep. It's hard. And for everyone else, like, literally everyone else but me, I'm like, you go. Like, go unpack that.

But I just know that like, I don't know, being removed from it for so long has like helped me in a way. Oh, for sure. Having to unpack it is like traumatizing. I haven't even unpacked half the stuff. There's like stuff now at 35 because I only started at 32 and I'm just like, oh my God. Like it almost unlocks more memories that you like try to suppress. So if you've done a good job suppressing, yeah, I would say kind of – Wait until you need it.

Yeah. And I feel like I'm good right now. Yeah. There's just, like – and I know what my flaws are. And I know – I've done a really good job of psychoanalyzing myself and the people in my life so I can, like, understand. Yeah. And not be hurt. But – oh, my gosh.

Good morning. I'm so sorry. No, there's so much. And I'm, like like i don't know how deep you want to go because when i was like listening to you and like just just from tiktoks but also interviews too oh my gosh this girl's like been through a lot because you look just so cookie cutter wholesome like never had anything bad happen i think that's like yeah that's compensation for like i think the the chaos that i have going on and And I, you know, there's a lot of things that,

I mean, I'll unpack anything. I talk about everything because, you know, I feel like it's helpful. And I didn't have anyone really when I was 12, 13. I was a mess. And like, I feel like it would have been helpful to hear some things. I think especially from people like you

that have mainstream success, it's like if Britney Spears were talking about her mental health when she was 20, it'd be like, oh, that makes sense. That's me. But you watch someone, you're like, oh, she has it all together. She's pretty. She's this. So I think when you talk about it, it does impact in a different way. Because you are successful and you're able to maintain a job and stuff like that with- Which is hard. Is it? It's so hard.

Really? Tell me about it. So let's go back to where you were saying so starting musically you said you did it by accident you were what were you uploading videos and you didn't know yes yeah okay oh my gosh I love hearing the story that I need to know yeah no I was um actually it's so weird I had a conversation with my mom and I just left school I left school a few times because it would for different reasons the first being I was bullied for being ugly which is great do you have pictures we gotta insert them yeah there's no way they exist they're out there um but that was sort of in I would say like fifth grade I left and my mom was always very good about if I was uncomfortable then it was time to go um

but then I started watching makeup tutorials and whatever and I guess that's when I understanding social media, but it didn't seem like an obtainable job or something that I wanted for myself. And then I learned how to do makeup and I felt confident. I was like, okay, I want to go back to school. And then I went back to school and then I started social media on accident. I was posting videos, trying to save them to my camera roll and like not knowing that musically or TikTok was a platform at all. Oh my gosh. And then, yeah, I started getting all these random follow requests on my Instagram. I was like, who are these people?

Because my Instagram was private. And then, yeah, by the time I realized I had like 30,000 followers and it was, yeah, something I never wanted though. Like, I mean, now that, now that it that it's here like I I love the way that I do it because like I have a very close relationship with the people that follow me and we kind of grew up together which is really cool but yeah for for the most part like I I told my mom right before it happened I was like I never want to be famous I don't want people in my business like I wanted to be a scientist. Wow. What a switch.

So you never craved it? No. So what were you doing on Musical.ly? Were you, because those were like the lip syncs. It was just lip syncs. That was it. Okay. And I was like kind of silly, kind of funny. Yeah. And then I just sort of, I don't think I really understood how to handle it at first because I would just say whatever was on my mind. And obviously now that's different. At 13. I mean, that's different at 13 I mean that's the worst and like when you're 13 you have thoughts that no one needs to hear like I was just yeah like what would you say online like wait a menace yeah oh what would you say not even coming for like I guess kind of coming for everyone and like influencers or celebrities or just your friends like anyone that would comment something bad about me, like anyone that mentioned me. I was also just so deeply insecure, which I feel like

in some areas I still am, but like so insecure and had been through so much that it just like, there was so much angst. Yeah. And I was like heavily disliked until I would say I was like 16, 17. On social media or in school? Both. Oh my, wait, on social media. So musically they were following you. Who was following you then? I like kids my age, I think. So no one creepy, not like creepy guys. I mean that too, of course.

But I was just always very outspoken and insecure and angry and that switched eventually, but yeah. But with the sweet look that you had, because were you blonde then? Were you like? Yeah. Okay, so you were like naturally blonde. Yeah yeah so you're naturally blonde and you look like

a little doll and so like you like firing back at people they're probably like whoa yeah and I was like I was self-aware but I couldn't help it because I just felt like everything was a personal attack yeah and which it kind of is because when your job is so intertwined with your life it's like you know oh especially if they like come for your looks like you said in school. They bullied you for being ugly and then bullied you for being pretty. And you're so insecure. Like I – and I had things that, you know, went down that made me feel so like gross about myself. And I think there was just so many feelings that a 13-year-old shouldn't have to feel.

And those were things that the internet didn't know. You know what I mean? So just – I just seemed like an angry little troll. That's so funny. That's so weird because social media at 13. Like so cute and glam but so angry. Oh my God. So how do you think the anger went?

So you were mostly angry just from being insecure, from being bullied at school. Yeah, like that. And then there was other things in my life that were like I just didn't know how to deal with or like come to terms with I suppose so I don't know I think and I think I still have some of those like tendencies not in an angry way but just in like a self-sabotaging way yeah like I don't think I like deserve good things so I sabotage good things yeah I was very much like that. Have you ever, interesting, have you ever been diagnosed with anything? No, and that's, I also think, like, my fear, I don't even want to know. Yeah.

And, like, if I psychoanalyze myself, I could be like, okay, I could see where some of these things, because my dad is super OCD. Like, I know that word gets thrown around a lot. Yeah. But it's, like, it affected my childhood the way that, like, my childhood was. I wasn't allowed to have certain things because he, like't handle it like what do you mean like I wasn't allowed to have glitter I wasn't allowed to have like anything with glitter on it I wasn't allowed to have like if I was making a mess it was like very controlled and I don't know and then finally he started containing his sort of OCD to certain parts of the house so like his room and I love my dad I'm so close with my dad but his room where he has like his action figures he's it's so perfect in there like there's

a gate you're not allowed in there unless he's there like to walk you there it's crazy it is almost like it's a disease it's like debilitating yeah and then my mom you know she's I love her how was that was she I love her I mean did she have OCD too or no um it's definitely like she's never been died neither my parents have ever been diagnosed with anything but she has ups and downs and I think like I psychoanalyzed a lot of people in my life so that I could understand that like things that were happening were not directed at me specifically, even when they were. Yeah. And like I have great parents and they've always done everything for me.

And my mom like moved out to L.A. with me, quit her job to, you know. But yeah, I've done a lot of psychoanalyzing in my life to try to understand things. That's pretty good. You can do that on your own without, because to me that sounds like something like you would need an outside perspective because you thought it was happening to you, which you said sometimes it is if they lash out. Or did the anger come, like your anger,

do you think it came from any of your parents? Did they have any anger problems or outbursts? No, I mean, I feel like a normal sort of amount, but they, I don't know. I think there was just things that I didn't understand that made it difficult because I've always put my parents on such a pedestal and then you get to that age where you realize your parents are just people and they don't know everything and that's such a scary thing to realize especially when I was becoming an adult so fast and like having

adult problems so quickly and I'm sure that was tough to navigate for them too. So it's just like very things that were not normal were just happening back to back, not just with my parents, but like in my own life that they didn't, weren't prepared for. And yeah. Were they aware of everything? Because going back to you being at 13, you talked a couple of things. I've heard that you talked about being a serial dater starting at 13. Oh my gosh, yeah. Which I was like, wow.

And then there was a TikTok that was a very casual sound where you said that you were S8 at 13. Yeah. And I mean, you don't have to go deep into it, but those are two, I would think, very traumatizing things, dating and also dealing with the assault at 13. Yeah. I mean, so that happened. And I feel like that's probably the root of a lot of my issues.

But I'm very aware of how that affects the rest of my life without me like feeling it or knowing it. Subconsciously, I know or I think I know. You know what I mean? It's kind of impossible to be completely self-aware. But I try to understand myself and I think a lot of those things are intertwined I think me being a serial because I know after being essayed it was like I just didn't really care anymore because it was like this part of me is gone and I wanted to feel secure in something. And I found that in boyfriends.

And I know people get so tired. I get comments all the time like, oh, Lauren's got another boyfriend. Which I will say this past year, I did grow out when I was single. And then I have a new boyfriend now. A full year. Gorgeous. And like so good. And my standards changed.

And I feel like I sort of broke a pattern in a way. Yeah. But I know from the outside looking in, it's like, oh, here goes Lauren with another boyfriend. But I was just so desperate to feel safe with someone. Yeah. And I did that over and over and over and over again. And it didn't matter how I was being treated either. It was like, as long as I have someone, then it's safe. Like, it doesn't really matter who it is or how they treat me. What made you feel safe? Because I hadn't been in a relationship until I was like 30. So at a young age, you're in all these relationships. And even if they weren't great, you've talked about being cheated on and stuff like that. What made you feel safe? Because I hadn't been in a relationship until I was like 30. So at a young age, you're in all these relationships. And even if they weren't great, you've talked about being cheated on and stuff like that. What made you feel safe? Just

having a guy, like the guy figure in your life? In the beginning, it was me sort of trying to attach myself to someone so I didn't have to be alone or think about anything because I had someone else to worry about. And I've always been one to take care of other people. And it doesn't matter how they treat me because I just want to focus on something else that's not me. And I did that for, you know, in long-term relationships. And I would try to make anything work. But then I turned 17 and I feel like that was a crazy turning point in my life because my mom had just moved back home and I was alone for the first time, like truly by myself. 17, that's young. Yeah. And I was, I was about to turn 18 and my mom and I just couldn't, we couldn't be together anymore. Yeah. And I was,

it was kind of a thing where I wanted a relationship with my mom. And I knew that if we stayed in the same house any longer, it wasn't, we couldn't. Yeah. And she'll agree with that. Yeah. And that's valid. Me too. I didn't talk to my parents for like a few years here and there for that age. So it's a valid thing. It was tough because I was, you know, eating disorders and that I had had for however, you know, four years at that point. And then I, my mom left and I was alone and it's what I wanted, but I didn't really know how that was going to feel. And my friend lived with me for a little bit, but I mean, we were both unstable. Okay. 17 year olds in LA.

Yeah. We were both unstable. I mean, she was my friend from back home. Oh, I see. And she came out with me and I don't know, I was just looking for things because there were so many things that happened at once. My dog, I had to put my dog down and make that decision by myself. Oh my gosh.

So I was making all these like decisions and obviously my parents were there to guide me from afar. Yeah. But I think that was the first time where I felt like alone. Yeah, truly. Because you're losing a dog. When your parents, where are you from? You're from?

Philly. Okay. So they went back there. So you're very far away. You're not even like super near. And I have a house there now and I go back and forth. But, you know, small periods of time. Yeah, yeah.

I never go back to my hometown. I'm like, no. Little doses. Just because I love the woods and I love being removed in my house in Pennsylvania is like 300 years old and I love it. Wow. Oh my gosh. That's a whole other thing that could be the content or something like that. And I, and I'm, yeah, I'm so bad about that. Cause I make, I do all of these things in my life and I'm like, this should have been content in retrospect, but yeah, that's interesting. So do you feel because your whole

life has been content from 13, do you feel. So do you feel because your whole life has been content from 13, do you feel like you constantly have to put your whole life out there? Sometimes, but more recently, I feel like I have to force myself more to post things because I'm sort of in this shift right now where I feel like I'm making more adult decisions and it's less like when I'm hanging out with my friends we're going to dinner and then we're going home and my best friend's been dating her boyfriend for seven years so like and she's your age yeah they've been dating since they were like four it's crazy oh my gosh it's amazing also she's like a huge fan so you should have brought her I know she wanted

to come but I think she's still sleeping honestly it is early you are very punctual by the way I wake up so early me too I love being up early morning anxiety where like i my people make fun of me for how i wake up because i wake up like oh my gosh just immediately yeah because i think about all the things that i have to do and i'm like you need to meditate tell everyone this that helped this saved me just like clear your mind before bed and clear your mind in the morning because i used to wake up that way too but my mom used to meditate and then she started having all these like weird like paranormal experiences oh wait really yeah like she like opened herself up which sounds crazy i'm probably to a lot of people no no no you do you go

to like a different dimension sometimes is it good or bad though was it a bad experience both that's the thing and so i'm like i'm a little scared to tap into that wow she's a deep meditator then because if you can go to like another level i haven't quite been there but that is the whole point is the universe is supposed to like answer your questions she also had a brain tumor so it could have been oh. Oh my gosh, is she okay? Oh my gosh. Yeah, she's good. Recently or? No, it was like when you were little. When I was younger, yeah. Oh my gosh. I mean, you really have, you could write a book at 21. You could write your life story right now. So 17, you're like, that was a turning point

because you're now you're by yourself. You lost your dog. I'm just so sad. Like were you? The most depressed. Did you have your record deal at sad like were you but you most depressed did you have your record deal at 17 yeah I I signed my record deal when I was 16 and that was that was a whole mistake in itself but but that was with you were with Virgin right yeah that's like huge that's like everyone's dream that's like yeah and you would you know but there's no it's I feel like it's cooler and it would have probably been more beneficial like 10 years ago. What do you mean? How so? Because there's no artist development in a record deal anymore.

They just expect that you're going to promote it. Yeah, because they'll fund it and that's pretty much it. So you're still kind of doing everything yourself except everyone has an opinion and it holds things back. Interesting. I don't know. Because you're independent now, right? Yeah, and there's, there's trauma associated with that too. Like there's with the record deal. I could go on and

on. There's so many. And I had all these and I'm like, wait, I'm trying to like navigate all them cause I'm like starting with 13, but now we're skipping this up. We can do all of it. But I'm so fascinated because you were said you were the saddest at 17, but you had a record deal at 16. You have all these followers. Yeah. And did you have a boyfriend at 17? Yeah. So you had a boyfriend and you're still so sad and you're still sad yeah I mean I was it was a lot of self-sabotage but there was also so many like there were so many changes and I was scared for sure to be by myself and then my dog I had to make that decision on my own and make that happen and it all happened october of 2019 will forever go down in history as the worst month of my life i remember it we

really yeah so all that happened in one month oh my gosh not to be the same but 2019 was my worst year that was my rock really okay there was something in the air then maybe i don't know 2019 was a rough one so october 2019 hey like everything that could go wrong in the span of three weeks went wrong like my parents were on the verge of divorce. Like my mom was, I was right in the middle and my parents are going back and forth and I'm trying to mediate that. And my mom had just moved back. Oh my gosh. And then now my dog, which was, you know, sad. Yeah. And then my eating disorder was peaking and I was like, I just felt like I was failing in all aspects of my life, even though all of these great things were happening that didn't even register to me. And then I started, um, dating someone who was quite a bit older than me. And I thought that that was like,

I was making all these adult decisions and now this is another adult decision that I'm making. And also sort of out of spite, I feel like being like, oh, I'm an adult now. And how much older was your boyfriend at the time? He was seven years older than me. Wow, yeah. Yeah. And when you're a teenager, that's a big difference. Yeah.

Not to mention that, like, there were so many things that came along with that. Like, me lying to people and saying we weren't together so he didn't get in trouble. Oh, that's heavy. Oh, my God. So you knew. So you knew at the time, like, this could be potentially, like, judged. Yeah, but I was so – I want to say I was so obsessed with him, but I wasn't because it was all, like, alcohol-induced. Interesting.

You know, I, like, woke up, you know, hungover, and I had a boyfriend, and I didn't remember. Wait, what? Yeah. How did it happen? Good question. I just – Oh, my gosh. One day, he was like, oh, like oh we're you know we had this

conversation like okay oh my god and was he an influencer no so he's just this older guy wow so you're dealing with an eating disorder you're dealing with obviously like there's some alcohol every night yeah wow every night and then I wake up in the morning and I like put on my glam then I like good morning angels oh my god did people know no no one knew like did your do your parents knew um no because I was so I just removed myself from everything and that became my life for like a good three months until he moved in with me and then we sort of got into a more like adult routine and then I was fully taking care of him oh no no oh my god at 17 yeah so I because you're making money from social media right music and I just like I don't know I was always very good at keeping things separate like whatever was happening happening in my personal life however it was you know completely hitting the wall and I'm

drunk every night like not remembering anything oh my god the whole month blackout every night even though that was happening I still like flip the switch and I'm good morning America yeah you're just and it was such a crazy contrast and I like completely lost myself and nobody knew I dyed my hair brown like for the first time ever. I was just having a moment, but not publicly. Yeah. People didn't know. Yeah. And like, I don't even think I've ever talked about that, but it was, yeah. Oh my gosh. That has to be a whole, and you're, you're not able to talk to anyone like about this. Like, no. Did your boyfriend know about your eating disorder? Yeah. And I, here's the thing. Like I, I don't even really remember much of our relationship and I don't remember much the thing like I I don't even really remember much of our relationship

and I don't remember much of anything but I don't really remember how I felt in the relationship or why I was in the relationship but I think it was just that attachment and he came at such a pivotal moment and like was able to take advantage of that vulnerability and exploit it to like the fullest what happened then with you guys like how did it end if you're um you're out of it you're not remembering well I I sort of fell into a routine with him and my parents had met him like they they've met him here and there I guess but they didn't know the extent of like what our or what my life was in California with him because but they both work full-time they didn't know the extent of like what our or what my life was in California with him because but they both work full-time they don't come out here often so they came out for

the holidays and at this point we had been dating for like two years and they were like absolutely not Lauren and my dad never says anything and my dad was like absolutely not why what was it they knew I was being taken advantage of they could just and my dad was like absolutely not why what was it they knew I was being taken advantage of they could just and my dad was like you're smarter than this you're better than this how are you like putting yourself in this position his family thanked me for taking care of him he's a grown man oh no and it didn't even click in my head that this is weird and yeah well how could you're 17 18 19 I'm like and he had like a couple fans because he had like an artist project from a long time ago. And his fans, two fans, were in my DMs being like, girl, no.

Like he's done this before. Apparently he dated some 15-year-old girl when he was 21 and lied to me about that. Oh my gosh. But apparently this had been a pattern. And I remember sitting in the car with him in the grocery store parking lot. And he's like, tell them we're not together. And I was, and I used, and this is something I'm not proud of and it's just whatever, but I was like, I've been assaulted and I know what that's like. So how dare you say that that's, you know, what's happening, but they were so right. And I was just so like in this fog of not knowing or not caring, I guess also.

Yeah. Because you're just going through a lot of stuff. And then the lying saying you're not together and stuff like that. Is that the first time like you've lied in a relationship or did you lie? Like at 13, did your parents know? Are you lying about, you know? My parents knew, but there was things I lied about. Like I dated this kid for a couple of months who like would smack my head against the wall and I would just I would go out and visit him and then I would come home and it was like I've done this so many times with people where I'm willing to overlook everything to be with them. And I know from the outside looking in, it's like Lauren has another boyfriend, but it's like, yeah, I don't know. It was just such a pattern. And with, with my boyfriend that I'm with now, I didn't want to tell him anything. Cause I was like, I don't, I don't want you to know this cause this is not who I am. It's heavy. Um, because like, if you asked me these questions

two years ago, I would have answered them completely different. Yeah. Just covered it up. Yeah. But I've had time to like reflect on things that I just, yeah. And how do you do the self reflection? Cause a lot of people probably don't go to therapy. They can't afford it or don't want to go. Like, how do you do the self reflection yourselflection because a lot of people probably don't go to therapy they can't afford it or don't want to go like how do you do the self-reflection yourself I spent a lot of time by myself last year I guess and it I think I had to look inward a lot because I wanted to have better standards for myself and I wanted to meet someone who like was gonna be good for me and I wanted someone who was my friends were gonna like and my family was gonna like and who wasn't in my field at all and had nothing to gain for being

with me. So I had to realize sort of what the patterns were and why I was doing these things to myself to like, change it, I guess. And how are you able to see it, especially young, but I don't even I couldn't see patterns that I was doing. How are you able to see the patterns? You're just like, let me go through each relationship and see what I was doing. Yeah, because I see my friends who have been together forever and their relationship is so healthy and they're so happy. And I wasn't jealous, but I was because I was happy for them. But I was like, why can't I have that? What is the difference between me and Brooke, my friend? I'm like, what's the difference between us that like I keep getting myself into these situations and you're happy? And I just, yeah.

What was your realization? What do you think the difference? I was just lonely. And I feel like there was certain, you know, of course, things that like I had never confronted. And I still haven't confronted everything. But like I'm a lot less lonely now and I'm not running away from myself because I did that a lot. Yeah. Well, I think growing up, I mean, it sounds like even though your parents were there and they were as best as they could be,

like you did feel like alone sometimes if your mom had ups and downs, your dad had OCD, which you can't control. I mean, that's all very scary. Yeah. And they just like they were but they both worked full-time and I also have a older sister who's a half sister who was like she was always going through it so I just wanted to like fly under the radar and be like golden child and then that all came crashing down and you know I was essayed and then I had a bunch of things happen where that happened after that, that were like super embarrassing and scary. In your personal life?

Like just as a result of being essayed. People knew? No. Like felt ashamed or guilty? Definitely just like miscarried as like a child. Oh my gosh. And I think that that's something that I've never talked about, but like, I think that that completely like changed, not the way my parents viewed me,

but the way that I like viewed myself and how I interacted with everyone. And then I was just angry, like angry all the time. I mean, I, I can't even fathom as like a child. Cause you just don't know. You think it's like your fault or you're ashamed or you're that's your I don't know. There's just so much as a child you can't comprehend. Yeah. And then I forgot about it because I started social media and no one knew anything about me and it was like exciting and I could create this like whatever I wanted to be. And then when I was 17, that's when I got like a message like blackmail message being

like, I know. Oh my. From an anonymous person or this person um anonymous i don't know who it was oh my gosh i seen someone from my school you know how do they know um you just think don't know people talked maybe i trust the wrong people i don't know you told some people but uh sorry no i'm so sorry this is no i'm in whatever you're not gonna be expecting to talk no no no whatever you're comfortable with and if you're if you don't want to continue it's totally fine with the this conversation no it's okay because i think i think these are like

important things because i think too often people see things like oh my god all she has new boyfriends every week and it's like yes yeah And this is why I'm aware of that. But there's also there's more behind it. And it's not just, you know, I don't think. Yeah, I don't think I'm trying to comprehend this. And it's like something that's really unfathomable. Like I couldn't imagine. I'm sorry.

No, no, I'm really I think it's a good thing to talk about. I think about like my own daughter going through that. And I just like I. Yeah. And I think my parents handled it the best they could. like they were there and but it's still so lonely and then like to then have it brought up four years later it used against you yeah and it was sort of like a threat in a way and it scared me enough to where like that's when I felt like I needed to publicly say something and and have you did you were time? Yeah. I like made a video basically being

like, this has come up. I didn't want to talk about this, but here it is. And then we're moving on. And you know, I think it helped a lot of people and I was super happy about that. But I also like, I don't really know. I don't know if it helped me. It's a lot. Cause once it's out there, I'm glad that you had it out there. Cause it's like, once it's out there, it is one of those things where it's like, it was at that time too, out there. Because once it's out there, it is one of those things where it's like. And it was at that time too, like 2019. Terrible time. Oh my gosh.

And you're 17. You're like, I shouldn't have to talk about this. But I think, one, you should never apologize for it. But I think it is a way that people understand you. Because I feel all the stuff that's happened. Like you said, the serial dating. And just how people see you from the outside. Not knowing all this. It explains a lot. And I feel like people are just so scared see you from the outside, not knowing all this. It explains a lot.

And I feel like people are just so scared to talk about it when it does happen to them. This is something that's very rare, I'm sure. But I also feel like a lot of people have gone through something similar, even with the essay or losing a child at that age. And it's scary and it's very isolating. And you can tell people, but it's not like, it's not something that you can really understand. You know what I mean? So I don't know.

I think that, sorry to make this so dark. Like genuinely, this is like just trash. No, I think what I, cause I was trying to figure out is like, you know, people are so scared to talk about it or to say anything at the time. And I think it's important because it's like, this is something that like you go through and you shouldn't have to go through alone because, because you kind of went through it by yourself and you didn't talk to someone. Now you kind of have to deal with these repercussions later in life of the trauma of the blacking out of it, not remembering it. But I think if there's other girls that are happening, this happening to you,

like the essay and stuff like that, I think people are just so scared to say something about it to their parents or whatever. Yeah. I was terrified. And I think that if I to you, like the essay and stuff like that. I think people are just so scared to say something about it to their parents or whatever. Yeah, I was terrified. And I think that if I would have, like, I don't know. It is a scary situation. And it's different for everyone. And I think that everyone sort of deals with it how they can handle it the best. But I definitely think if I had known that other people had experienced it,

I think I would have felt a lot less, like, alone. No one talks about it. And I think that is like one of the things like no one talks about it. And I feel like more people should, because how do you deal with that at a young age, especially something that wasn't your choice, which I think is a whole other thing. It's like, and I'm like not qualified because obviously I'm not handling things probably the best by the book, but no, but I think, but you're definitely qualified to talk about it because it's happened to you. And it's just – it's really, really sad. It's really unfortunate. It makes me like sad for – and the fact that you are able to like thrive.

That's what I'm saying. The fact that you're able to thrive. I didn't even know the extent of your essay. I just knew it happened at 13 and that alone was like a lot. But now this is something that's happening to your body when you go through pregnancy and then miscarriage of your hormones. Everything changes. But especially at that age. And and I didn't like I didn't know what was happening so I didn't know that was possible you know what I mean I was 13 like oh my gosh I didn't I didn't know anything and yeah and it was just like having my dad day like there's a lot of

things yeah about it that were just uncomfortable and you, you know, I felt like everyone's perspective of me had changed, even if that wasn't true. So yeah, but on the bright side, I think that it's, it's, it's taught me a lot. And I think I can understand people a little bit better. Because I know that just because someone has boyfriends all the time, or just because there might be something a little more to it. Yes. And there usually is. I think that's a good thing for people to know too. It's just like the way that people judge people from the outside, the relationship thing. I'm someone who never had a relationship. So I look at a girl with a lot of relationships like, wow, she's really lucky. She just has like a good, you know, she must be just wonderful, you know?

And so to hear that, it's like, yeah, there's always a reasoning behind it. Yeah. Oh, wow. And so at 17 to have that thrown in your face that are used against you in some type of way it makes you feel like you did something wrong all over again like yeah and just like this pressure to have to put things back out there and bring things up again and then I'm thinking like okay this is that was like the one part of me that I just tucked away and social media and all that became like my new persona, which was always me, but just like sort of who I wanted to be and not who I felt like I was, which to an extent is still the truth. And I feel like for most people, it is like, you're not who you are at the end of the day. It's not necessarily who you are

in, you know, on social media, who you present yourself the end of the day is not necessarily who you are in, you know, on social media, who you present yourself as for anyone. No, no one. But, you know, I'm trying, I think, out of all of this, I'm trying to not self-sabotage as much as I usually do, especially with this new relationship, because it's something so good. Like for the first time ever, it's something so good. And people in my life are telling me that it's something good. Um, so I'm trying to just let it be good. Oh, it's hard to the self-sabotage is all makes a lot more sense now. Cause I'm a self-sabotager so much. Like I always happen. Um, but it makes a lot of sense because you saying earlier, you're not deserving of like happiness or love. I mean, it stems from

that, you know, I feel, and I don't want to like put how you were feeling, but I know when I've gone through my own stuff as, you know, I was six when it happened with the teacher at one point and stuff like that. And it's just like, you just feel, I like, I didn't feel at the time anything's wrong, but looking back, I was like, oh, I was in the wrong because I was this, this, and this, or, you know, you just, you think you're in the wrong and those feelings stick with you for a long time. And I think you just don't, you feel like I'm not deserving of it because, well, this happened to me and this and, you know, whatever. Even if it's subconscious, like even if you're not actively thinking those thoughts, it's there, like it's just ingrained in you then. And it's hard to reverse that. It stems from my therapy and Dr. Drew and also

it stems from like trauma, they say, because I, I very much, I don't know. I don't know if you felt like yours was trauma. I mean, yours is very traumatic, but at the time when I've gone through stuff, I don't feel it as trauma. You know what I mean? I think. Yeah. Cause it's just looking back, I'm like, Oh my God, how terrible to be. You know, if I was thinking, if I thought about the things that have happened to me and it was my nephew or like, you know, someone that I care about, I would be like, how awful. But in the moment for me, it was just like, okay, this happened, move on. And then, okay, this happened, push it away. And did you feel bad at the time? Like, did you know it was bad? Right. I knew it was bad because of like, I guess, and just for me, it wasn't like I was manipulated it was just violent and so

like that that I knew was bad because it wasn't like something that I had any question about but at the same time like I I just didn't want to register it and I didn't because my brain just like shut it out immediately almost I mean obviously I was like isolated and alone and was homeschooled and didn't want to ever go back to school and my parents sort of like agreed and did what you know whatever they needed for me but I feel like I don't know I just things just don't register I have like short-term memory loss I think I think things happen and I just immediately forget about them. And. Your protection almost.

Yeah. And I hate that sometimes because sometimes like even in good situations, my boyfriend and I will have a conversation and then the next day I'm like, I don't remember what we talked about. Yeah. I have that too. It's fair. It makes me, oh God, it makes me sad.

This is like, cause I always thought like it only happened to me or then I meet someone. Okay. It's one other person. But the fact that it's like I hear these stories over and over again and the same situation and from girls like yourself who are just like successful and you know all something that's just like it really happens to anyone and you're like a lucky one to have been able to like function still you know but there's people yeah but I just put all of my energy that like into something else yeah like I just diverted all of that energy of of you know trying to run away into into this and I feel like that's why I was able to succeed in a

way because I was just so like I just wanted something else yeah to happen and even the good things I was like yeah nothing was ever good enough. Interesting. Yeah, because you were touring. You were doing all these music videos. And that's probably another sign of it, too. It's like, where is the happiness? Where is, like, where you're just content in life? Yeah. And it also, like, there's so many things that I think stem from that.

I think, like, I was definitely okay or felt, like, comfortable, weirdly, being hypersexualized. Becauseized because like that didn't even register to me as something you know what I mean yeah it's like you just and I was okay doing it to myself like I was fine with it what were you thinking like yeah I'm I'm very much with you I'm trying to think of like the thought process how to describe it are you thinking like this is just like Britney's or just like your way of being like here's my character or is it overcompensating it was like this is just what I have to do because this is what, this is how I've been made to be viewed. And this is how people perceive me. So then you feed into it.

Overboard, yeah. And you go overboard. And then, you know, I think there's a lot of instances of that. I still feel it. I still feel like I need to be boobs out, you know, like a lot of times, even as a mom married and just like not even young anymore. I'm just like, well, this is the character and this is what people want. And especially, well, especially being like a young girl, I can't even like imagine that. I mean, I go back and forth with it because I'm like, I like to be sexy, but then I'm like, do I, or am I doing this to be like,

and it's all of those questions. And there's things, those are the things about myself that I don't understand is I don't actually know how I feel sometimes. And it's hard when someone wants a healthy relationship with me and they want me to communicate, but I don't, I, when I say, I don't know how I genuinely don't know how I feel. Cause I don't remember the conversation we had yesterday and I don't, I don't yeah the getting in touch yeah like trying to like remember but also like know how you feel who am I yeah like is this real and it's not that I don't have feelings because I do it's just I don't know what I'm feeling yeah like what's real yeah scary I'm the same way I'm like oh my god do I even know how to love like I don't even know what that is you know what I mean sometimes and I don't know if I've ever even I'm 35 and I haven't grown out

of it I mean you're still young and figuring it out but I don't know if I've ever even, I'm 35 and I haven't grown out of it. I mean, you're still young and figuring it out, but I don't know. There's so many things about that though. Cause then it's like, okay, I don't know how I feel. And then I also like, I don't know how to communicate well. Apparently I do. That's what I've been told. But I also feel like I'm communicating on autopilot. Like what I think I should be saying. Interesting. So there's not a genuineness quite there. It's like a little bit, but the back of my head is like the voice inside of my head and the voice that comes out are two very different things. Because I know how to be like practical and communicate well and like say, you know, get things across. But like also, for example, I was watching a TikTok the other day. And it was like, you know, if he's not, if he's following other girls, whatever.

And then my boyfriend heard it and he was like, well, let's go through. I was like, I don't want to go through who you're following. Like, I don't even want to see it. I don't want to know. Like I, I've heard you say about like, if someone FaceTimes you, you can't answer. I can't because I always feel like it's something bad. If someone calls me, I feel like they're going to tell me something bad. And I just don't want to know.

There's a lot of things like that. And I don't even know where mine comes from. I fear that. It's not like I got a bad phone call. I never had to go through grieving yet, thank God. But I'm like, I've never gotten that phone call, but I'm immediately like something's wrong. Like it's really weird.

And it's like that anxiety. And I think, you know, having, being online and having so many opinions and so many things that like go wrong and ups and downs it's like it could be something bad it could be something that's why knowing me it could be something terrible I oh I I'm so I check my dms once then like never again that's why I saw your last message when I went to go dm you today or yesterday and I was like oh she like wrote this really nice message about director but I'm so scared because I'm just like oh no something bad happened or I don't know something um and And yeah, it's a weird anxiety thing.

I've heard you talk about things like that. And there's so many times that you've said things like that where I'm like, oh, this makes so much sense to me. Yeah. You're like, thank God someone else goes through this. Hearing this from you, it kind of makes me feel a little less crazy too. I was like, oh my God, here's this girl who's just like perfect in every sense of the word, who's also dealing with this, I don't know what it is, like being a prisoner in your

own mind almost. Always. Trauma. And just also dealing with who am know, and I always thought it was literally just me. And I'm like, wow, maybe I'm like a crazy person. Definitely not. But like you, I would never expect it from, which is going back to the DMS. My first DM to you was apologizing for the, when I saw you, when I saw you on Zach's saying, and I was like, oh my gosh. And during that time, which I'm so thankful you're on, because I always wanted to apologize to anyone I've ever talked crap about, especially being, I was like 31 when I did the show and you were, you were probably like 20. You're probably so young or something like that. Cause this is when you were, were you dating Bryce Hall or just hanging out? No, he, he texted me and asked me

to be in a video. And I was also going through a weird moment where I was saying yes to things. I don't say yes to things. So I just happened to do it. And you were like a thousand percent right. It was so dumb. What was it exactly? I'm trying to go back and like,

don't remember. I was cringing. I was like, okay. Was it like a staged paparazzi or something? I don't, oh, yeah. And it was weird. Like, it was even weird when I was doing it. And I knew it was weird.

But I was just kind of going along with the bit did I mention you specifically I was I really didn't want to go back and cringe no you didn't mention me by name which I'm sorry to Bryce Hall too I was just like coming for every tiktaker it wasn't you didn't mention me by name and that was the thing because I knew you I obviously knew at the time yeah you said you did it oh my god I'm sorry no that's also something I say I was just like oh anyways I was was an angry person. I wasn't offended. I honestly was not offended. I...

Did I say, oh my God, I am so sorry. Like, I apologized to you right then and there, but I was like, I'm going to apologize again. Like, that's so embarrassing for me. I think, like, anyone, I think someone right now, Renee Rapp is talking about, like, millennials, like, making fun of her and stuff like that. I'm like, yeah, I've never listened to, like, an older person just, like, bashing a younger person. They're so weird for that, so.

I wasn't even offended, honestly, because I saw you reacting to the video and i knew i was in it i was like oh no oh no i was talking about the video i was like oh no and then you're like that girl that no one knows and i was like oh period oh my it's so embarrassing i just know that i'm still so embarrassed but i understand it and like like i said i've I've said things about people that I didn't I didn't need to say and it's like but you're also young you're 20 I was like 30 but I understand it and I wasn't offended I was like and then you know Zach I don't even know oh you had just been on the show yeah and I was because you loved right away I loved right away yes which I was gonna talk about that too and there were so many things I was like it didn't it didn't really hurt my feelings because I just like I loved you so much it didn't matter

well I feel like that's worse it's like then I find someone else like who's a fan and then you're just like oh my god that makes me feel worse like if someone I love like I love Wendy Williams and if she was just like this little fat piggy or something or like someone I don't know you know what I mean like it really would not that I said that but you know what I mean like it would it makes me sad it makes me sad still when people are mean to me or they act like I, you know, not even the don't know who you are, but even if they don't know who you are, I think it's such a rude thing to say. Even if you don't know someone to be like, I don't even know who this person, like it's

such a rude thing to say, even if you don't. No. You were just like, you were, you were in your vibe and that's okay. I was in my mean vibe. I had like a little bit of power. It's when the bully gets like a little bit of power and then they start like bullying other. It was very.

That's okay. I felt bad about it too. Like that era just felt bad. And that's why I'm like glad for this new era because I really try I'm like let me just try even though I love this era for you like I I really have followed you for a long time and I'm just so happy seeing you happy I my friend and I we watch your podcast and we talk about all the time and it's just like you've had such a I know you say all the time like I don't even know where this is coming from but it's so cool because you've been so public and like about everything and I think without you realizing

like a lot of people relate to like even the not so good stuff and then like it's just a really beautiful like progression to see I don't know thank you I mean I guess I'm thankful for the embarrassing moments like that to be like at least don't feel bad like I always tell people I'm like if someone is making fun of you they're like in their 30s least don't feel bad. Like I always tell people, I'm like, if someone is making fun of you, they're like in their 30s, like don't feel bad about it. But no one's perfect. And people do that in their personal life. People who aren't public figures talk shit on people all the time. I know. And even my personal life, I try not to anymore. I really do. Like I used to love gossiping. I'm like, it just doesn't like feel great. I really tried my hardest not to. But like people can relate to that. You know what I mean? And I think that like even, even the down

moments and even the times where you're like, things you're embarrassed by or things that you're like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Yes, but also human. Yeah. So I think I was just, and I was also really bitter because I go through so many ups and downs. And I think when like I saw TikTokers blowing up, like especially young ones, like, you know, at the time it was the D'Amelios and Aziz and Ray and you and Bryce and everything

like that, you know, it's like that jealousy. Cause it's like, I never had that. I never popped off like that. So I always tell people like, I can understand haters because I'm like, I was one for so long. Cause I was just like jealous of so many people, you know? Yeah. But you've always been like, you've always been it like truly. No, and it's true because I, I look at you as, as like, wow, how amazing to have such a career, like such a career. Oh my gosh. You're so sweet.

Historical career. People look back and be like, wow. It's literally like the lifespan. Cause I think I just had 17 years on YouTube. So it's like literally your almost entire lifespan. But you're like reborn like every other couple of years. Sometimes. No, it's true. Those down years are tough. But people love those things about you too. And it's just, I don't know. It's really cool to see. Oh, well, thank you. Yeah. It's that, that's, I mean, I'm glad that it's out there like that because I definitely have struggled with a lot, which I think again, going back to your story, I feel like talking about all this and saying, it's like, people see you in such a different light. You know what I mean? And I think you just, you help so many people because you have

so many followers. I mean, you still do. It's crazy. Cause I went to your TikTok the other day, I follow you, but you don't need to like just scroll. You don't see like how many views, but you still get a ton of views. I know you were number one on TikTok, right? Or Musical.ly. By default. Lisa and Lena, the twins, they were like little blonde twins.

They deactivated. I was second. They deactivated, so I just default. Well, then you won. I just, yeah. It was like a default. It was not like a personal achievement that I'm like, oh my God.

No, that is, because by being number two, and then they deactivate. Why did they deactivate? I don't know who they, I mean, I don't know who they are not in a bad way. It was when I musically switched to TikTok, people were feeling a little weird about it. And sometimes some people were just like, oh, this is not it anymore. Did you know them? Where are they at now? They're German. I don't know what they're doing. They're just in

Germany. Yeah. They're just in Germany, like probably thriving. What year was that that you were number one? I don't know. 2020, maybe? Oh, wow. 2019, maybe? Oh, so your lowest year was that that you were number one i don't know 2020 2020 maybe oh wow 2019 maybe oh so your lowest year was also your most popular don't ask me about timelines because i don't know like i genuinely don't that's recent yeah but you still i mean it's still to be consistent getting that many views you know you see so many people like it's amazing do you care about views and followers like i like to say that i don't but I also put so much pressure on myself to like, you know, keep the ship sailing. Yeah. So yes and no. I think I've been able to separate it a little bit better, like work versus my personal life and trying not to let that dictate how I feel about myself as a person. But like, I think anyone who does this as a job cares because

it's your job. Yeah. No, it definitely does. I just didn't know how you personally dealt with it because I know even the past couple of years my views would be like 20,000 on YouTube and I'm like, oh my God, I got 5 million subscribers. This is – and I kept going. Oh, it's the same for me though. I stopped doing YouTube and now like if I post a YouTube video, like who cares? Yeah. And I just – I try to do well in other areas and I post on YouTube for like fun because

I enjoy it when I want to. And I also think there needs to be more of like that just doing things because you want to do them yeah because I think so hard about everything and that's not what people want to see yeah and that's like a constant battle that I have with myself is like what what do people want to see but what do I want people to know yeah and like don't overthink it because I just feel like I overthink like I still put it out but then I'm always thinking oh my people, that's why I try to self-deprecate kind of like the self-sabotage. I'm just like, like self-deprecate beforehand. Like I know I'm not getting any views, but then it's kind of like a bad thing to put out there too. It's like,

you know. Yeah. And that's like, I don't know. I'm the same way because I'm, I'm like, oh, I don't even deserve to be sitting here. Like who cares about me? Honestly, like who cares? I feel that way a lot too. But yeah. Then it's like, you don't want to put it out there because then it's kind of embarrassing. You're like, yeah, but like people do care. I try to look at the opposite way now. I'm just like, okay, I'm, I'm fly. Everyone loves me.

And then I feel like that kind of, are you like a manifester? I try to be. Yeah. I try to be. But then it's always like the little voice. It's like, shut up. I know the little voice is what'll get you though. That's why I try and like really just suppress it as much as possible.

But it's like, so I remember when Charlie, I think, got the number one. Did you put out a TikTok or something talking about it? Well, because everyone was like, I genuinely didn't care because I had gotten it by default. Like it wasn't something that I was like working towards. So then obviously all my comments were like, Charlie passed you. And I was like, you know, great. What did you say back? What was it?

Because I don't remember. I don't remember either. It was probably like, let her like, yes, girl. Yeah. You didn't really care. It's her time. You know? Yeah. I genuinely didn't. Cause I, like I said, I just, when I didn't even know that I was, cause the girls deactivated their account and then it was like, oh, you're number one. So when you got passed, you're like, oh, I don't really care. No. I mean, how can you, I always feel like if you're top 10 at something, I'm like, how does it bother anybody? I'm like, it's like, okay. Yeah. And I just, I don't know. There's, 10 at something, I'm like, how does it bother anybody? I'm like, it's like, okay.

Yeah. And I just, I don't know. There's, for me, there's more to it because I was so desperate for community, I think, when I started social media, which is why I was so passionate about it. Because I had people that cared and people that, like, wanted to talk to me and didn't know anything about me, really. So, I don't know. Even still, the things that matter to me are like I go to I went to France recently and there's these two girls that I see in Paris when I go because they're like they've been fans for a long time and they got me this little shirt and this

necklace I love the necklace it's so cute I really cried I felt so bad crying in front of these girls but like I don't know I feel like I just relied on like those people so much. The people who supported you for like everything. Yeah. And then I don't know. It was just such like a beautiful thing. When you meet them in real life to those people who supported you. It's like so surreal when you haven't had people who supported you like friends, like people who bullied you in high school.

And it's like almost it's so unconditional the way that they like care. And it's, it's something that like I, people ask me all the time, like if, where I see myself and whatever. And I feel like as long as I have that, I'll be motivated. Um, because like some lonely little part of me needs that connection. I think that's a lot of people in entertainment just looking for somewhere to like belong or be accepted. And with, you know, fandoms or fans and stuff like that, it's like you kind of get that, that you don't get anywhere else that people might be like jealous and stuff. I invited like, I consider them my friends now, but I invited like six of our like fans to our wedding and they came to tour. They were like every stop. And I was just like, and they came

to our wedding and it felt like the so surreal moment. And I was like oh my gosh like you guys have been here and they still are they're still like through it all and now they're like my age because you know you grew up with your fans and whatever and it's really cool because I never had that either I never had people that like supported me that were like my age and you know understood what I was doing through thick and thin through like the bad and the good you know and that's like that's the crazy thing because I don't know and then to see people in person and they're like real like just cool girls like boyfriends and lives and like whatever but they're they're also just like so they unconditionally love me unconditionally love you and they and they are that's the thing

sometimes people are like oh fans or creepers that come on everything but they're really just like people that are like really the people that can start when you're so successful they have like their own businesses they're like you know they're really thriving and like we grew up together and it's really really cool and I I know it's like super cliche to say but that was something that I needed so bad and it was just like it pushed me to to you know have a job but the job was a result of that right yes well that's the beautiful thing about the internet and also what like being an influencer is you're just connected in a different way than, like, Jennifer Aniston, you know, or something, or Britney Spears. They're not connected that way. Fans feel that way because,

you know, whatever. Because they know, they do know a lot about you. And so they know the connection that when you feel it back with them, it's a beautiful thing, especially in person. It's so cute. And the fact that they got you, like, little knuckles, that's gorgeous. I saw it as I go. I know. They're so cute. What was the shirt? Was the shirt, like, a little t-shirt? It was, like, a picture of us from, like, the first time that I had met them. was like, oh. I know. They're so cute. What was the shirt? Was the shirt like a little t-shirt? It was like a picture of us from like the first time that I had met them. Oh my god. And it got me like a little beret. It was really cute. Okay, that's so cute. And I was also like feeling a little lonely because I was there with my best friend and her boyfriend and I was like on my lonesome kind of like, you know, I'm not because I'm friends with both of them, but naturally

you're going to be like, ugh. Yeah. You know, taking pictures of them in front of the Eiffel Tower like, ugh. Oh no. Oh my god, you're stronger than me. I can never never for two and a half weeks too like I was I was so brave but then just to have people that like would come out and meet me and like just wanted to like hang out with me yeah we're nice I don't know I was feeling like lonely and they like made that you know this was was this what October of last year this was this year this was in November of 2023 yeah yeah oh yeah I know I know I know what you mean yeah it was just a few months ago Was this October of last year? This was this year. This was in November. Of 2023. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God.

I know. I know. I know what you mean. Yeah. It was just a few months ago. But so you were single then. And because you had a year. I saw you on Zach's thing.

You said you had to take like a year off, which is good. Because you said the longest you were single was three months. I was like, oh, my gosh. Which, again, a lot of it explains. And there's also nothing wrong with being like a hopeless romantic, like wanting love if you thrive in a relationship, especially a healthy one. There was nothing romantic about my past relationships though I was just desperate that's good that you know that because that's that's what I was kind of

getting at because I feel like when I was younger I romanticized a lot of like my assaults you know what I mean I was just like oh well this is the violent is like that's a whole other level but it's just like when it's not violent you're just thinking oh well this is kind of romantic or this is like the movies or something and it's the same thing with like why must I be like aggressively drunk to like feel like this person loves me? Probably not. And I haven't – I don't drink anymore like that. And I also just like – I feel like being an influencer is scary because it's like,

oh, you have access to so many things, especially living in L.A. Yeah. And like the whole – it's icky yeah it's very icky that's the best way to describe it and you're kind of removed from LA now you said you live close to here which we're we're removed yeah like I'm even more removed than you like beautiful either but that's the best that's it's really and I'm so happy for you being 21 and like doing your own thing out here because it's just not toxic out here. It's just not, I don't know how to explain it. I just wanted to, I just live in my like bubble now, which is, has been very healing for me. And I think I just needed to be away and stop like putting

myself in these situations where I wasn't valued or didn't value myself at all. So yeah, I took a year off and I stopped drinking and putting myself in bad situations. No dating. Were you tempted to date? No. I didn't know. I was like, I got to a point where I hadn't felt anything for anyone. Usually the first guy that looked at me, I was like, you're mine. So it was the first time where I didn't have that anymore. And that's when I knew something was changing because I could like go on dates and be like, no, you know, not for me. Wow. Okay. So you, you were going on dates, but not like seriously dating. You knew right away if it was not going to work out. Yeah. Okay. Which is like, again, totally fine. Cause I, when you're 21, you need to like socialize and stuff. So you knew, I wonder what the change was.

Do you think it was just like the universe changing you or was it something where you're 21, you need to like socialize and stuff. So you knew. I wonder what the change was. Do you think it was just like the universe changing you? Or was it something where you're like, okay, in my head, I know what I want? Well, I just stopped putting so much focus on it. And I put a lot of focus on myself in terms of like what I wanted to do and how I wanted to spend my days. And after that, I felt like, you know, okay, I can see people and see, you know, suss it out. And then no one was doing it for me. I was like, oh, because you're working on yourself. You're like, okay, I don't need this. Yeah, because then through the process, I think I subconsciously started to like value myself a little bit more. And then I met my now boyfriend, like literally

two months ago, like I ran so fast. Yeah, I came back from Europe and I went straight to New York and I was like I have to meet him was it online you saw him or okay dms yeah like yeah like dating out oh yeah who dm'd for who first um he messaged me and I was like yeah and I was kind of trolling I was only for two days and I was like kind of trolling people like what does that mean like like the first thing he said to me I think like, you know what New York needs more of? And I was like, oh, affordable housing. Oh, okay. That's cute. That's showing your personality.

Yeah, I was just kind of being like, but I wasn't serious about anything. And I was on it for like two days kind of as a bit. But then I was like, wait, hold on. And then I talked to him while I was in Europe. And I was like, okay, I have to see him. And then I went to New York I was like I'm in love with you oh my god right away love at first sight I've never really been able to like I've never really wanted or envisioned like a future what my future looks

like with someone else or like anything like that interesting but he's also like I've never had someone be nice to me and I was like oh and it's kind of like hard for me to accept it. Yeah. But I know like he's taught me a lot about that and we relate on a lot of things, but I actually feel like for the first time I've, I've never not been able to like say bad things about someone. I have nothing bad to say about him. And like, usually I'm really good at talking to people, but this time I'm like, I don't know. It feels very safe. It feels very like nice and he's driven and he has like his own job that's not, he has nothing to gain from being with me. Yeah, you're not taking care of him. He's in school. It's, he's my age. He's 21 and he's like killing it. Is this your first age appropriate,

like age similar relationship anyways? Kind of. Yeah. I feel like everyone's usually like three or four, five, six, seven years older than me. Yeah. And when you're like young, a teenager, that's a lot. Yeah. So it's like cool to like be or four, five, six, seven years older than me. Yeah, and when you're like young, a teenager, that's a lot. Yeah, so it's like cool to like be with someone who's on the same page and driven and doesn't need anything from me. And I just kind of like don't really know what to do in the situation. Yeah, well, don't overthink it. Yeah, definitely try not to do because like I said, this is the one thing I don't want to mess up for myself. Yeah, I think if it's meant to be for you, you can't mess it up because I self-sabotaged our relationship

so much, like nonstop. Like I drove to his house just high and naked and all of a sudden I was like, I self-sabotaged so many times. And I think like if it's meant to be, it'll happen. So hopefully you don't have to go through that, like the sabotage to see if he'll stay. But I just, I don't know. I think I like, I think I'm doing a good job and I'm being so open and I don't get like weird when he tries to like write me a letter because like usually I get weird with that

stuff. You know, like someone does something nice for me and I'm like like a handwritten letter. He writes. He writes me letters all the time. Like I have like stacks and stacks of letters that he writes. Is this long distance? Is he in New York? Yeah, but he's he's sort of like a transitional process right now, like trying to find a job that's going to like

work more with being with me. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So it is kind of going quickly because it's only been a couple months. Yeah, but I'm like not afraid of it. Yeah. And I don't know, he's so smart and I can't say that about anyone else that I've been with. He's so great. And like, I'm usually not good at accepting things from people like if someone opens a door for me like I want to throw up you know what I mean oh my god like it's like uncomfortable because I'm used to doing everything for everyone else so I'm trying to be like yeah like and that's the thing is my mom was asking she's like do you like how do you feel about the situation and I was like I feel really good about it which is why I'm not talking about it to anyone yeah because I'm like afraid yeah

I don't know in a way yeah that makes sense you don't want to like ruin it it's like if I talk about it and it's so good and like I'm even like I'm less afraid to talk about like my traumas than I am to talk about my boyfriend because I just want to like protect him from the world and yeah like he's so good have you done like a soft launch at all like hand holding yeah I posted a picture with him um on new year's but like oh I did I did yes I saw that yeah I didn't know I didn't know if it was like what it was like it was just like real or just like yeah just like oh you did a hard launch then you're like here is my boyfriend yeah okay but like I don't know I take him um no okay but he's private like he doesn't really, you know. Do social media.

Yeah, like that. I love that for you. Which is great. Yeah. It's hard. It's so hard because I always want to show my entire relationship when you're so happy. I just want to put it all out there. I'm like, look how happy.

But you're doing the right thing, protecting it so people don't find it and ruin it. Yeah. And it's like, I think that if it's strong, like people, you know, there's nothing that can really, people can't really get in the middle. But like, because he doesn't understand like what I do. And I like to, like, he was asking me today, cause I was coming here and he was like, are you excited? I was like, no, I'm really nervous. Like, you don't understand. Like I watch her all the time. Like, I don't know what I'm going to say. And he was like, well, it's just like a con and I was watching your podcast as I'm like telling him

this. And he, he just like, doesn doesn't he doesn't get it but he tries right right right but I would rather that than him be like maybe you didn't post a story with me today that would be the biggest dick especially I think at your age too it's like so many guys are into that like social media posting and that kind of stuff that's better so he's supportive and even if he doesn't know he still gets it he's still like I'm supportive of you I don't get it but that sounds fun yeah and he's just I don't know I could go on and on about how he's great and how I probably don't deserve him but oh well yeah I think you definitely do I think you definitely do I think everyone deserves love I think that's like a necessity of life to me it's

like breathing and food I think like everyone needs to be loved yeah I think it's such a strong thing I think when you're in love like nothing else really matters or when you have love in your life that's just me I know not everyone needs to be in a relationship but I and it's just so different like I've never I've never felt like comfortable around someone or and I think that's why I'm like I don't know it like I'm not afraid of being with him I don't know yeah because I don't feel like I'm looking over my shoulder all the time and I've never not had that with anyone it's it's an actual safe space for you now it's like okay this is actually what it feels like to be safe and you're not you're

you said you're sober and stuff like that so the fact that you don't have to be using anything like it's actual happiness yeah and that was the other thing that was weird to me it's like oh you just like you like me in the afternoon and you like me in the morning the same way that you like me at night and it's like not it's just normal and it feels good and I don't know and my dad was like he's so like charming and what like so quiet but like whatever and he's like are you sure he's not like a serial killer because he seems like a little I was like I think I'm sure I told him that last night and he's from Spain so he like your boy the boyfriend your boyfriend oh he's from Spain. So he like. Your boyfriend. The boyfriend. Your boyfriend. Oh. He's from Spain. His English is like his fourth or fifth language. Oh, I love that.

But he's so like, you wouldn't know it. Yeah. But like, I don't know. There's so many things about him that I just think are so cool. Can I tell you why I haven't dated that many international people? But the few that I have dated, my husband's from a different country. It's just like, they just treat women so much better. And I'm a believer of that. I watched day fiance and i'm like i honestly think i love

are you watching a new season yes of course jasmine gino and jasmine she dm'd me the other day and i said you bring them on my podcast no way yeah i love jasmine yeah i love i actually love their relationship strangely like i think that she's so like genuine and she feels things so hard but like i relate to that yeah and i think like it's also i do think a little bit personally is like for the camera like they kind of like you know because they have to be like in love and he has to get it and he has to get her and I don't know I just love the new scene are you talking about 90 fiance just the regular 90 fiance yeah this is the one um because if we are watching what I get I'm confused because there's so many like before the 90 days and um whose couple is it the it's Gino and jasmine and then the girl um sophie is she the

british girl with the guy in la the british girl with the guy yeah so like in inglewood yes um who like doesn't have a bathroom in his house oh yeah and like doesn't want to get her like she wanted a mattress or something or mattress cover and he's like no yeah that one yeah and then there's um there is we watch oh the girl there's a girl in new york that's like kind of which she does like witchcraft or something like yes and crystals manuel yeah who's her like man yeah and she speaks Spanish I love when they speak to each other and I know and then I ask him I'm like is that good Spanish like I don't know oh he's like a critic like when I show him like Timothee Chalamet speaking French he goes you can tell he's not a native speaker because he like blocks it I'm like okay like

that's and I love knowing that because I I can try I actually have to take Spanish for college so he came at the perfect time are you gonna take Spanish yeah I take my Spanish class soon he's like I'll help you oh that's so and that's so hot too I love when someone else speaks like different languages and I want to I actually want to try to learn um but I feel like when you don't start learning languages young it's harder to pick up it is I've done I've done some language classes his language and I'm just like it's so hard it's like literally my brain doesn't work that way yeah as an adult and then like you have so much other stuff going on it's just hard but if you have someone who'll like speak it with you i think it'll make such a difference yeah but i do feel

like the the again with the 90 day fiance i feel like those international like men they just i don't know do you watch like darcy and stacy or any of their they were from one of them and they found their men and they're like i don't know i just feel like they're happier with, I don't know. That's my personal opinion. I've dated a lot of American guys that treat me like shit. I feel like chivalry is a little more real, you know? I think so, too. The romance and just like taking care of like a woman and just making sure she's happy and

stuff like that. Yeah, which is like, it's okay to like have those things. That's what I've been trying to like remember. Because I'm not used to having, like I said, someone be nice to me and like want to do nice things. Yeah. It's, it's, it's like, it's alarming. You do think something like, oh, is this person like a serial killer?

Are they going to kill me? Like, you know, I feel the answer to this day. I'm like, you're being so nice. Like each day gets better and better. I'm like, I feel like you're being too nice to me. You know what I mean? It's like, like someday it's going to stop. I don't know.

Yeah. Yeah. Like that's just how I'm trained to think. Try not to fear it. I'm the same way. I'm very much the same way, but I try not to fear it. I think after a while you're just like okay this like makes sense yeah and I try not to like I tried not to dump all of my baggage onto him right away which is something usually I just like to get everything out on the table so that there's no surprises you're not

gonna like learn anything new and be like what the heck yeah but I tried not to do that and I took things kind of slow and he, he's always been like receptive to everything that I say. And today I was getting ready and I forget what I was, what I was doing or whatever. And he was like, I forget that you're like famous. I was like, well, famous, famous is like a, that's a big word. I don't like saying that. Have you seen you when you go out in public and get recognized? Has he been with you? Yeah. I, we went out, um, to like one of our first dates we went out at night. Cause we, I, I didn't want to go home. The only thing that's open is like, we're going to go out, I guess.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we went out and everyone at the club was so nice to me. Oh, really? He was like, everyone knows you. He was like, do you know a lot of people in New York? I was like, no. Yeah, apparently. Oh, so he knew you did. He knew I had followers. I don't think he understood how that translated in real life. But I love it because when I'm in situations like that, everyone's so nice to me.

And it's like a bunch of friends when I go out. And he wasn't put off by it but he was like this is kind of you know different surreal yeah do you like do you enjoy it when people I love it depends yeah I think sometimes I feel like a little bit I don't know I like talk I look people come and want to talk to me and like even if they like already know things about me and they like bring up like i'm happy to talk to people i hate when people just like want something from me and then i'm like but like i don't know i love when people like just like a picture and buy like yeah picture i don't like the picture and buy because i was like are you gonna be mean are you like a bully that's trying to get this picture because i've had that

happen with like teenage boys specific i don't like teenage boys me neither they come up and they like oh like they'll look we have a picture and then they like say something stupid at the end like oh you look David O'Brien someone at Chick-fil-a trolled me the other day with that like a young guy I was like you are so but yeah that kind of stuff yeah exactly right because like it doesn't matter if it's like a 12 year old boy like I'm hurt you know what I mean because you did that to my face I um I haven't had any experiences that were like super actually that's a lie I was in Urban Outfitters once and this girl walked past me and she was with her boyfriend

and she goes, it's Lauren Gray, I hate that bitch. No! What? She like walked past me. Oh, that's never happened to me in real life. I was like, oh word. And I definitely heard her. Oh my god. But one time, this is like a really funny topic.

One time when I was like 15 or 16, I was with James Charles. Oh, okay. And we were leaving Urban Outfitters. Everything happens at Urban Outfitters. Oh, my God. Yeah, nothing good happens at Urban Outfitters. And we were walking out and some girl comes out at the door as we're like down the street. And she goes, James Charles.

And he goes, hi, sister. And she goes, cute. And he was like, what do I do? I was like, I don't know. I mean, was he upset about it? That would upset me so much. I think he was upset about it. I think he was like trying to play it off, but thankfully nothing like that

has ever happened, because I wouldn't know how to handle it. It's bad. I had that happen once recently in like this area, these young boys. At first they rolled down their window to take a picture, and I was like, okay. And then they were like, uh, I saw you suck fucking on your porn or something rolled down their window to take a picture and I was like, okay. And then they're like, uh, I saw you suck on your porn or something. And they're like teenage boys. And I was like, and like you fat gross pig or something crazy. Maybe not like all that, but it was definitely fat in there somewhere, fat whore or something.

I like was so shook. I like texted Moses. I was like, oh my God. Like it was these like young teenage boys. And, but yeah, like it was, it was awful. I was like, I really was traumatized for like a few days. I was like, oh my God. No, but like, it just, isn't that crazy how that happens when people say that stuff,

like in person? Cause like nothing crazy has happened that one time, but it's always like getting young boys. I just, I'm glad I'm having two girls. I don't think I can have a boy. Those are just a lot. Yeah. I mean, I like boys obviously, but when they get older, you know what I mean? I've never, I wouldn't, I wouldn't know it's you and myself. Teenage boy era. Yeah. That's wild. But even the girl in the open outfit is too, that's pretty harsh. Yeah. And I'm not, I wouldn't, I wouldn't know it's you with myself. Teenage boy era, yeah. That's wild. But even the girl in the open outfit is to you. That's pretty harsh. Yeah. And I, maybe she didn't think I heard her, but like it was, that's what I'm going to

tell myself. But she, she for sure was shocked. She wanted me to hear it. But it's just, I don't know. I think people, I don't know why they do it. I wish I could psychoanalyze that. Oh, I'll tell you why. Because I was a hater.

They're just so, they're just so jealous. They're so bitter. Because they just, especially with influencers. And like, I get why people, I was a hater they're just so they're just so jealous they're so bitter because they just especially with influencers and like I get why people I'm jealous too it's like when you hear like the D'Amelios make like half a million dollars

per TikTok or people saying they make someone told me they made a million dollars on Snapchat I was like oh my god like it is so frustrating and people get jealous

and so that's why they just want to make you feel bad I'm always like sometimes I feel like people are exaggerating their financial situations a little bit sometimes I hope so because i had so many people come on here and be like i make five thousand dollars a day on snapchat i was like what the i mean there was a point in time with like the snapchat creator program when that was the case but not so much anymore i mean like

are you on it yeah i'm so curious about it yeah i am and it's like i can show you how it works later but it's like sometimes i'm looking at these people, I'm like, there's... There's no way. I don't... What? Who are you talking to? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if David, supposedly David Oberg makes a million off Snapchat, but then some of these

other people who are not David Oberg, I'm saying they make a million, I'm like... Well, is he posting like a thousand times a day? I'm not on Snapchat. I'm banned from Snapchat, but... But I'm suing Snapchat. They use my stories. They use clips. They use my gender review.

I was like, I'm going to sue you because they use it. There's like a follower account called Trish Cam that has like 60,000 followers and I was like, I can't even be on.

Anyways, that's a whole other thing but I don't know how it works but I just know, I've just heard people are like, oh, David makes a million dollars. Interesting.

Yeah, this is where I'm like, where are people getting these numbers from? Yeah, I don't know. It's hard to believe. He may be him

because he has followers. I guess it's possible but you didn't make a million dollars a month off Snapchat. No, I've never made a million dollars a month off Snapchat. Interesting, I don't know. It's hard to believe. He may be him because he has followers. I don't know. I guess it's possible. But you didn't make a million dollars a month off Snapchat. No, I've never made a million dollars a month off Snapchat. Interesting. Okay. Because you do get a lot of interaction on all your socials, so I would assume your socials... And my Snapchat's not like... It's not like bad. Are you hopping on there? What do you post?

What do you... Um, kind of just whatever. Just like pictures of the day? Yeah. I kind of am in this mode right now where I'm trying to figure out what I want to post because I think I took such a step back that I now I don't even know what I was posting before you don't know like what do you mean like you just were like I don't know I just like got so comfortable not sharing like my life that now it's hard for me to share my life interesting you're so you're so open you're such an like an open book it's like refreshing like you're very open you speak

very well you're so like eloquent the way you speak and stuff like that. And even to be like, oh, I understood when I was talking about whatever I said about you and Bryce Hall. You're like, no, I understand it. I get it. You're so mature about everything. It's actually insane. And I think that's probably why too. I mean, you just had to grow up fast. It seems like I'm talking to a full-fledged adult. They say 25 is when the brain is fully adult mode. So it seems like I'm talking to someone that full-fledged adult you know they say 25 is when like the brain is fully adult mode so it seems like I'm talking to someone that's like maybe that applies to men yeah right well maybe 30 for men I feel like they take a little more yeah I've yeah I think so yeah I don't know I feel like and that's the other thing about my boyfriend I was like wow you're so smart I've never met a guy my age that like has the emotional intelligence and

maybe it also is because he's not from here. I don't know. Yeah. He just had a different like culture upbringing and stuff like that. Yeah. It's very interesting. I don't know. I love that for you.

I love that you, and I love that you can recognize healthy relationship being just like, he's nice to me, which is like. And I think I've had to like convince myself, okay, it's not uncomfortable because it's, it's uncomfortable because it's comfortable. Right. And that's a very foreign feeling. Yeah. Mine was always like, if we weren't arguing, I didn't think it was like love. I was like, oh And that's a very foreign feeling. Yeah. Mine was always like, if we weren't arguing, I didn't think it was like love.

I was like, oh, well, you're not fighting for me. You're not jealous over me. Like this isn't love. And it took me like a while to like figure out that. Yeah. That's like not a healthy relationship. So yeah, you learn it. You learn it along the way.

And your parents have met him, you said. Yeah. He came to, he came for Christmas to Pennsylvania and he met my parents and my dad and whatever, my mom and my sister, and it was fine. Yeah. It was good. They liked it. And I wasn't scared or uncomfortable or whatever.

It just felt easy. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. That's so amazing. And it's quick, but sometimes when you just know and you feel it, and you know the signs of an unhealthy relationship, and you're aware, and you're, sometimes when you just know and you feel it and you know the signs of an unhealthy relationship and you're aware and you're sober so you can get it all. Yeah. And it's like I told, I think my exact words to him were like, okay, I'm going to tell you things because he was very open with me.

And I think that's hard for him too. And I was like, okay, I'm going to tell you things, but I'm not damaged and I'm completely fine. Like I don't want you to like think something different about me now. But he's always been very receptive and like, I don't know. The right guy will get it. It can be a lot. It can be a lot to like tell all the trauma over time or whatever. But I feel like there's still stuff I tell him and I'm just like, yeah, this happened.

And like, it does almost sound made up sometimes because it's like just randomly I'll like think of things and you're just like, oh yeah, that happened to me. And I say it so casually and it's just like, but I don't know. Sometimes you think it's like not a big deal. I just, I did just to call her daddy and I was just like, yeah, I was kidnapped like 40 times. And I think everyone's like, that's not real. And I was like, but it kind of was, you know, I was like an adult.

I was like 18, but you know, it's still, it's like kind of was real. I was kind of just like drugged and taken places and stuff. And I'm like, oh, that would be what that is. Yeah. But I didn't know. I was like, and then, you know, you'd laugh because I think it's just like one of those things where it's just like, I don't know how to talk about this stuff. And I'm like, oh, that would be what that is. But I didn't know. I was like, and then, you know, you'd laugh because I think it's just like one of those things where it's just like, I don't know how to talk about this stuff. You know, I think over time too, like the more you share and the more comfortable you are, I think you'll like probably share more things that

maybe you don't even remember now. You know what I mean? Sometimes things just pop into my head. I'm like, wait, that was actually like, that was kind of fucked up. Yeah. And that's what's so sad. And how do you deal with it? And all of with it? I mean, you are coping very well with everything. I mean, the fact that you're like... It's like the biggest compliment. Well, it's amazing how the awareness, the self-awareness and all that. It's really amazing. Thank you. How are you doing with... So you talked about having an eating disorder. Did that start at 13 too? That started right when I moved to LA. Like pretty much instantly. So when I was, I would say around 15, 15. Cause we, I don't, you probably don't. I remember this. I didn't know who you were because

we worked out together with Mac fit. Okay. Yeah. That's like when it, that was like when it was starting. Okay. Okay. Cause I was like, I remember seeing you and I remember thinking you were like a big deal. And like, of course I like knew who you were and stuff like that. I remember being like, Oh my gosh. And I remember, so you were like 17 or 15 you said 15 15 when it like started I would say when you were working out how old were you oh my gosh yeah like 15 16 so you're like 15 or because that was like yeah so when you saw me I was probably around that age like 15 turning 16 oh my gosh you're like working out with a trainer at 15 years old yeah I just like came and indoctrinated myself into like the lifestyle of like working out and like eating. Because LA is very different than Pennsylvania. Right.

And how like the, you know, the culture is very different. Yeah. I'm from Chicago. So this is like a normal body type in Chicago. But out here it's like morbidly obese and stuff like that, which is, and then I can't even imagine. I feel so – now with the Ozempic, everyone is just so skinny. And I love skinny. I think it's beautiful. I'm not like whatever. But it's just like sad that everyone feels like they need to be – did you feel like you needed to be just so skinny?

Because you were. You always were thin. Like there was never a time where you were ever big. So what was your dysmorphia or just where was it coming from? Also, Ozempic is crazy. Like have you ever tried it? Me? Yeah.

No. I know some skinny girls on it. is it coming from also ozempic is crazy like have you ever tried it me yeah no because my dad is because my dad's a scientist whenever like crazy things like this are happening i ask him like what's his take and he was like well once you stop taking it like you're gonna gain the weight back tenfold yeah like it's it's so and it's so unsafe and like i posted a video about this recently but i saw this girl posting being like oh whatever about how she eats and it was like the smallest amounts of food and whatever I was like oh why are we still doing this I know it's like back to like the 90s when like heroin chic was in and stuff like that and now everyone just wanted to be as skinny as I mean scary skinny it's like it's on where they're skinny girls

are taking ozempic it's it's really sad and I understand like I feel like with social media everyone wants to like live this character and live this aesthetic and it's very attractive like it is something that everyone fantasizes about the way that they could look and how whatever but yeah I started going to the trainer and so I got off tour when I was 14 I went on like a tour My mom was there. Who were you touring with? Or was it your tour? It was like one of those random social media tours. I don't even remember which one this was. But I got off of the tour and fans would bring me candy and whatever.

And I was sort of at that point where like as a woman, you hit a point where your metabolism is not as fast. And I got home and I didn't fit in any of my jeans. And I was like mortified because I wasn't thinking about it when I was on tour. Yeah. But then like that was such a shock. And then I was on live stream one day and one person commented about my weight. Oh, no. And I was still skinny.

Like I was, I've always been like, you know. Thin, yeah. And that's just how I was, how I've always been built. But that like triggered me so much. And then I moved to LA and it's all anyone talks about. Yeah. So then I'm in my head about, okay, if this is going to be my job and this is where I'm going to live, then I have to fit the bill. Oh my gosh. So yeah, I would work. My routine was crazy. I would work out and it just, I kept adding more and more and more. It's all I did all day.

Like I would work out for like four hours in the morning and then I would eat like the smallest meal and then go back to working out like all night and wake up and do it every day. And I would post videos and I was so like, I can't believe no one was saying anything. I was posting videos of myself like in the mirror at the gym like shaking and I'm like oh my gosh what a good workout like no girl you're malnourished really did you look did you physically look a

lot different yes like I mean also I'm older now so like you fill out and whatever yeah but like where were you seeing it your face your hands we just shaking so i was i was skinny everywhere but it was never good enough your energy was just shaking because at a young age you probably can't tell because you're so skin's so tight at that age anyway so you can't tell the gauntness but maybe if you're if you're actually shaking yeah and i was like bill but like in a not in like a healthy way you know what i mean like i had abs and stuff but like in a sickly way oh interesting because you just like weren't eating. Cause I was working out so hard, but then not eating. So like naturally, but also I had a boyfriend at the time that I was with for a long time

who just loved to make me like a Barbie doll. Like he dictated how I did my makeup, the clothes that I wore, like would buy me clothes so that I like looked how he wanted, would tell me when I was gaining weight. Oh my gosh. Like was on me about everything. How would he tell you? What? Like, how would he even he wanted, would tell me when I was gaining weight. Oh, my gosh. Like, was on me about everything. How would he tell you? Like, how would he even see? How would he tell you?

He'd be like, you're getting a little chunky. Oh, my gosh. And I'd be like, well. And then I, yeah. That's wild. And he also, like, compared me to other girls that, like, whatever. It was a lot. There's so many things.

Oh, my gosh. So, yeah, I was just like on this grind of being like you know whatever and then it just becomes like an addiction yeah then when I was super depressed I remember I was eating Panda Express and I was October 2018 eating Panda Express and I would eat stuff so fast and then I like made myself throw up for the first time because I'd never done that I'd always like restricted but never like purged and binged and any of that yeah and I did that and I was like so disappointed in myself afterwards like I was like I can't believe we let like this get this far um and then like things started switching

and I I was trying to make more conscious decisions and whatever, but that's, that's all. I feel like that's something that everyone struggles with in a sense, maybe not that extreme, but like social media is so bad for that. Was it like, I've never dealt with like bulimia or anything like that. Was it something where you're just like, I want to throw up so I can feel better? Like I, you felt like sick or something? I feel like I can't, like I wasn't even used to having that much food in my body either. So it was uncomfortable also. So you're just like, okay, so you're uncomfortable. I always wonder where that like stems from.

I mean, I know it's like a disease and it's like there's no really explanation for it. But yeah, it's like guilt mixed with like I'm uncomfortable because like I just ate so much food that my body like cannot, like my body's not used to. Was that your only time you did that? That was the first and only time you did that that was the what first and only time because after that i was like something's got to change because this is like there's so many things with bulimia like like your stomach acids erode your teeth and there's so many things about eating disorders that people don't talk about too like you smell bad

your hair falls out your teeth like all of these things because you know like the heroin chic and all the things that are glorified when like really when you're because you know like the heroin chic and all the things that are glorified when like really when you're having this but like your breath smells all the time like you can't there's certain things that like are gross about it oh yeah there's a lot of things that i feel like people don't talk about and it's like yeah the people want to just be so skinny but it's like okay what comes along with it you know your health everything just deteriorates your energy and and you're like even i've tried to tell people because some people will be like okay I know for myself I was like okay yeah it's unhealthy and like whatever but I'll be fine right but then I

feel like sometimes people need to hear the things that are like gross about it yeah so they're like turned off like it's a eusebic too when I hear people's stories of not even just getting the weight back but also just being like yeah for like a week or two your stomach's apart. And I'm just like, I don't know if that's worth it for even two weeks. Why would you want that? Yeah. And you don't know the long-term effects, but yeah, I think hearing those things, cause I'm, I'm one of those people. I'm like, I want to take Osem, but everyone's getting so skinny, but then you just hear those things. I'm scared. I'm scared of so many things. It's like, if your take, this is what I told, I tell everyone because like, I have friends who like don't have ADHD but they want to take Adderall

to focus and like study I understand the thought process behind all of that but if you're taking something that's not meant for you or it's like for something that you're not diagnosed with it's never going to be the safest thing yeah you know what I mean you're playing with fire there a little bit oh totally and the ozempic is meant is meant for breaking down sugars for diabetic people and stuff like Yeah, people with diabetes who need that to be at a normal level. If you're already at a normal level, then you don't know what you're doing. Right. What's it eating?

Your fat, your muscle. Once the fat is gone, then what? It's like so... Yeah. It is scary. I think that, yeah, with the eating disorders too, I mean, it's hard. But I know eating disorders are a lot more psychological too. A lot of people can't stop.

And a lot of it is like, for me, a lot of it was control. It was like the one thing that i could control and i think for a lot of people it's not just about being skinny it's yeah all the other things that go into it of like i need to feel like this is something that you know i do and there's a result yeah and then you get sort of addicted to like that okay i'm doing this and I'm getting a result and I'm doing even more extreme and more extreme. And without realizing it now you've, you know, you look like a bobblehead. I looked like a bobblehead. I look back at pictures of myself and my head looks like it didn't fit on my body. Yeah. You can usually tell when people are going through something like that. I never, again, never dealt with something

like that. Cause it's like the control feeling. It's like, how do you, how do you get out of that then? How do you transition where you're like, okay, now I'm okay. Like how's your relationship now with food? Hidden myths. Like I feel like there's certain things that I'm just like put off to, but I made so many rules for myself during that time. And some of them, I still like have a hard time like eating after seven. I used to never eat after seven, but now like we come home and my boyfriend wants to cook. I'm like, okay, like it's nine and it's like a little triggering, but I'll do it. And like breakfast was another thing. I never eat breakfast.

Now I try to like have a bagel, you know, have like something. So I don't know. I feel like I've made like small changes that have added up to a better way of thinking. Yeah. But it's really hard. Oh yeah. I don't think it ever fully goes away i always wonder i'm like is there anyone out there that doesn't struggle with food

that just like has like they never think about it because like how because everyone that i know has a struggle to some extent and it sucks i think social media just exploits that to like the maximum though do you like like people sharing like how do you think like people just showing off their weight loss or what is it that you think glorifies it? All of it. I think that like this is kind of like deep and philosophical. But as humans, we're not supposed to be exposed to this much of the world. Yeah. And like to be exposed to the most like beautiful, unobtainable people and then have those people on a level where you feel like that's a cheap. You know what I mean? Yeah. And a lot of it's not a lot of it's not real and i just feel like there's so

much information that we're just like thrown all the time that like no wonder everyone's a little messed up yeah because it's how it's such a short period of time for so much information to be like there and then you're comparing yourself to like, you growing up on social media. I'm like, I couldn't even imagine like you compare yourself to so many other people. Like we didn't have that. We just had our hometown where everyone kind of looked the same.

We were all a little chunky. But then to see people like on social media at like 13 look like you, I'd be like, oh my God. Like I would just like hate myself. I would be like, you know. And that was the thing too is like, I was so like, I learned how to do makeup because I was bullied for the way that I looked.

And then I did value myself even more. So I just like, that was my thing was like my makeup and my hair. And this is who I am. And then you become hypersexual and that's a whole other thing. Then you're tracking the wrong people. Right. But it's, I don't know, it's an escape in a way, but I also feel like there's just so many things to be exposed to. And I almost feel like in a way I'm glad that I was sort of on that pedestal in a way because yes I had people commenting but I was never really looking at other people so much in the way of like I didn't have influencers that I looked up to right you know what I mean I feel like that I can't imagine being a kid now yeah and there's so many influencers and everyone has like this perfect life yeah you want to be an influencer and everyone's famous oh everyone but then it's like

do they want that like did you know you knew people were influencers that made like money and stuff like that or you just didn't really know that world i just didn't really understand that like there was people that i watched right but to me like it wasn't real people it's not like now where everyone just knows like i'm gonna be a tiktoker i'm gonna be famous tv shows it was like i was i was watching these people but I wasn't like commenting on the videos or interacting with them I just there were people that like I watched and liked but and there was no tiktok so like tiktok now is like anybody can go viral it's like so crazy and now everyone's so like the connection is so close and you're like in this world and I it's very it's very scary and

I can't like, have you seen the memes about people being like 10 year olds on TikTok? Though like the drunk elephant, 10 year old. Yes. Is that real or is that just like a thing? I don't know. I've seen it.

I've seen the get ready with me's and it's. Oh, like 10 year olds. I haven't seen it. I just hear people talking about 10 year olds going to Sephora getting drunk elephant. I'm like, what? Yeah, they're like, they're so, and the things that the way that they speak,

like they're so grown. I know, it's scary. I'm like, I don't know. It's, it's a lot of information for people. Yeah. I don't know if I don't want my daughter to have social media until like 18. I hope it's different. Like when she's 18, she's like one now. It's like, maybe there'll be a different thing, you know, like it's not social media, it's AI or I don't know what it is. Something. I think about that. Cause I'm like, yeah like yeah I I wonder what it would be like to raise a child in this sort of universe yeah because it's just like everyone gets messed up and some even if you had the best parents like people just you know comparing yourself to others all this stuff is like not how they're trying to be so skinny and yeah it's just all and especially with girls like

I don't know how my mom navigated my like it's so impressive to me how she like managed to, you know, I still came out of it like a decent person. Yeah. It's, I mean, how anyone knows how to deal with that and stuff that happened to you too. I just,

I couldn't, even now I can't even fathom like, what would I do in this situation? How am I to, I don't know. Like, how do you help someone besides having them talk to someone? But then that doesn't always help either.

Yeah. And then like, also my mom would just like, if I had a problem at school, my mom was in there. You know what I mean? She would storm in. Yeah. She's like, don't do that to my daughter.

And I was like embarrassed at the time, but looking back, duh. Yeah. Yeah. I would do that too. Yeah. And like people were threatening to jump me and my mom was like, run home. Oh my gosh. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Because she was at work. She was like, just run home. Oh my gosh. So there was like, my run home. Oh my gosh. My mom was always there. Especially with this. None of my parents were in the entertainment industry. My mom, my dad, they're normal people.

What do they think of it now? You doing your music and stuff. Are they like, they love it? They support whatever I decide to do. My dad, both my parents still want me to finish college. I'm doing that. Are you done? Or you had an AA, you said?

I have two more semesters until my AA is complete. I took a year off because I was traveling crazy. And you're going back? I'm going back this February. You're very pro-college. I like that about you. Because I'm not anti-college. I never went.

But I'm like, oh, you don't need college. But I love that you're so pro-college-ing about it. Yeah. I mean, I think everyone's different. I think there's people. You can't force college down people's throats yeah but I think for me being in like a work environment or a universe where everything's so like culture and and using like my sleigh boots the house down brain instead of like my math statistics you know functioning uh cognitive brain yeah i feel like it's nice to have that balance and something more structured

and something less like it's like you know what i mean yeah it's it's good and more balance yeah and i love writing papers and i like writing things and doing things that aren't have nothing to to do with me. You know what I mean? So what, you like writing stories? I just love writing like argumentative essays. I took like as many English classes as I can because I love English. Like I love books and talking about books or talking about, I took one class that was all about AI and like the future. I got to write so many cool papers. Wow. So you just like write books. You I got to write so many cool papers. Wow. So you just like write books. You're like, to kill a mockingbird,

let me write a 20 page essay about it and what it really means in our society today. But I like when it's like structured, like I have until this time to do it and then someone's going to grade it. Cause I like when someone's like tells me, like reaffirms, like that was good. Oh my God, that's so cool.

That's amazing. Cause that's something I think most people don't have. So what was the future class you took? It was an English class, but I just had to write about facial recognition and artificial intelligence and like self-driving cars and different research things. Were you like reading something in English that like sparked that, like what the future looks like?

They would give us like articles and then we would read the article and pick, you know, pick an argument. So it would be like facial recognition. Is it ethical? Oh, interesting. So you write, what, how big of a would be like facial recognition. Is it ethical? Oh, interesting. So you wrote, what, how big of a page did you write? Essay did you write? That one was maybe like 12 pages. But it's like, it's, you know, you're like, is it ethical? Is it invasive? And then you, it's just nice to talk about something that's not me. Right. So I get that. Like, it's also like a distraction. Like it's something different for

you. So what was your argument? Is it ethical? I don't remember. I think I argued the point of like – I honestly couldn't tell you because the article was very biased also. I don't know. It's very like uninteresting honestly. No, it's so interesting. I think it's like also shows like your intelligence because you did a 4.0, right?

You had a GED. You graduated with a GED. Yeah. So you got homeschooled. You did mostly homeschool for most of it. I love that. I think I'm definitely going to homeschool my daughter because I just, I had a bad school experience. I had a horrible, I know you said, yeah, like the bowling. I know some people have great and I'm like, that's amazing, but yeah, good. Great. Yeah. Mine was awful. I don't know. I think, yeah, I think I would have done well. I think

there's like certain socialization things that you need, obviously. But, you know, you can facilitate that from a safe place, maybe. Yeah, and I feel like you got that with social media, right? You got that with meeting friends. Yeah, I got it in like a really interesting, weird way. Yeah, a little roundabout. I think either way, it's, I don't know, school is not completely healthy either. You know what I mean? I think there's all a little bit toxicity no matter how you socialize.

And I just, I love like the learning aspect i don't love the like yeah the in person judgy clicky oh same i loved school i was actually really good at it too but it's just like the other parts of it the group projects and people judging and the p.e and the wearing clothes to school all of it was just a lot yep that's the things that like i don't yeah especially i don't know i don't and then there's it's not just the students it's like teachers this is everything happening oh i had teachers like call me a whore to my face i had to i had someone like i wore a water bar every day and they called me out and he would like squeeze it and like just weird shit yeah and you don't know at the time like again that to me

it was like trauma like okay this is just something he's being funny or whatever and then it's like oh no that's like so ick but again they're like people that are good teachers calling you yeah they said they were talking about my instagram in the teacher's lounge also this was my favorite teacher telling me this i would like eat lunch with her when people were like mean to me i had gone into the next grade whatever and i was passing her class and she like pulled me aside and told me that like teachers were commenting on my instagram and how i was inappropriate and i was like okay that makes me like and why are they talking about that in like a class like and why are you looking at my instagram yeah that's weird oh i don't like i was 12 like why are you looking at

my instagram and i was wearing a little crop top and it was cute yeah i know and that's like something that you shouldn't be discussing you know what i mean or looking at yeah that's the thing i don't know no they definitely shoot weird things in school yeah i have the same way i know like there's i've been trying to talk about it's like a hot button issue for some people because you know it's like not every teacher is like that but i I'm like, you know what? I have like the majority. I would say like 50% of my teachers were very inappropriate. And I would like – Women too.

I'm so happy for people who don't have those experiences. Yeah. But like it's the same thing I was saying when you realize your parents are just people and then you realize teachers are just people. Yeah. And not people that you like know. Oh, right. Yeah. And you're supposed to just blindly trust.

No. You see stuff on TikTok like with – like my daughter's like daycare age and like people that leave their kids at daycare and the daycare people like yelling at them or like hitting them or something you know it's like so and again not all of it but i know you don't have to like live your life of fear but i'm like that and that's enough for me to be like no especially because you can't talk yet i'm like i'm not gonna take her there yeah that's like i put cameras all over my house because i left for two months so i put cameras all over my house in California because I have two cats. And I have people who take care of my cats.

But I've also seen videos of people who trust their best friends to watch their dogs. And their dogs get thrown at the wall and die. It's crazy. It's wild. Yeah, we're the same way. Very much the same. I just make sure.

There's always someone watching here, whether it's my mom or something like that. But I'm always putting cameras everywhere. I'm like, just in case. And not only my mom, but just you never know. In case someone doesn't know what happened. Like, oh, I don't know know and there's so many people that come in and out of my house like yeah and I was like at first I was like you know this might be a little weird you know walking around someone's house or doing something and then there's like cameras everywhere I was like yeah no because

if you're uncomfortable then you're doing something wrong exactly I don't mind going to anyone's house knowing I'm not doing anything wrong I'm like I I go into people's house thinking they're filming me I just like oh yeah because not that I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm like, I go into people's houses thinking they're filming me. I just like, oh. Yeah. Because not that I do anything weird, but you just never know. People are weird. And when I go, when I tap into a camera, it makes a little noise on the camera. Oh. So like, I'll tap in when like my house is getting clean or something.

It'll be like, beep. I'm like. Oh, oh my God. Do they look? Are they like, what the hell? I mean, probably. I don't know. It's like kind of grainy.

It's never, it's never, yeah, it's definitely never, you should never be too, what's the word? It can't be too cautious. You know, especially with like, you can have people in your house and. And crazy things can happen. I don't know. Yeah. But we're in a safe area. Like we were talking, this is like a safe, it's a very safe area.

Like it never, I don't think anything crazy happens here. Yeah. I feel like people, it's pretty safe. Yeah. I mean, you know, there's always, there's always some craziness everywhere you go. I feel like we just need to not think about it. Cause again, that's like bringing it to fruition. It's like, I try not to think about it. I'm like, everything's

fine. Everything's safe. I've had people show up to like my old house and like ask me for pictures when I like live by myself. Where did you, where was this Hollywood? Glendale. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. That's surprising. I was at Glendale. But that's kind of the city too. Yeah, Studio City is where I lived and it was horrible during quarantine. People would like show up and just, it was really, and I had 24 hour security and they still were showing up. It was so insane. But you don't have that problem here. Yeah. No no that's why I love it out here like keep going with and you two we're in the same area so it's yeah it's very nice well your like life really is we're talking about country music earlier I'm like you really could write a country album now

that I know all this stuff to it but I love a guilty I thought it was like so good that's independent you really set yourself why guilty like what like do you feel guilty were you guilty of something like what was the that was like the first song that I wrote for the album and it was I felt like so much of my music that I was making with a record label was so dishonest and was queen with a label yeah okay so queen was with a label it's very poppy it's very Britney which is great yeah but like i kind of wanted to to delve deeper and like i said i love writing so i feel like i had more to say and then guilty was the first song from that where i was like okay this means something to me

so i wanted to make it the title track and where and you wrote it yeah i wrote it i did like a writing camp with a bunch of people and we just like wrote for we did two different ones and we were just like me and some friends and where did it come from where was that I don't I think I was just I felt like I had a lot of things to say and I wanted to write songs that felt more honest because I would bring songs to the label they didn't like anything that I wrote myself and then they brought me a song this is kind of around the time that I left. They brought me a song that was about being bisexual and I'm not bisexual. So I told them, I was like, I can't sing. I can't sing this. This is just not like, you don't understand. I can't sing it and like not and like live it. You know what I mean? Like I can't, this is not an honest thing for me I get called out like

and they were like but it's a hit and I'm like okay well you can take that hit to someone who likes boys and girls because yeah I I can't sing it that's so random yeah and after that they just like stopped bringing me songs I was like okay wait really yeah because I I said no and you're not like really like you say no you're going against like the judgment of the man wait what that's wild you just know one song i'm like nope no more for you pretty much i mean there was a lot of other things that they they just did not know what they were doing with me yeah that's the part they did everything but listen to me and because they saw you as one thing and they're like this is what you are yeah pretty much it was like you are Britney yeah like and you don't want to be that

because that's what I got from your music I was like oh this is very Britney vibes yeah and I it's not even that I didn't want to be that because there was aspects of that that I loved like I do love pop music I do love to dance but I wasn't allowed to have any versatility it was like you are sex symbol blonde bombshell which I love like I do love that character but music is also so personal yeah so I wanted that bit of I guess more depth yeah like you wanted more did breadcrumbs is that did you write that or was that haze okay yeah so she's okay so this is an interesting story I thought this was the most one of the most interesting things I heard so one of your you get a boyfriend that cheat on you with her yeah or kind of like it's like kind of exaggerated for the storyline. Okay. Okay. So it

wasn't because I was like, wait, is this real? And then you're like, you know what? Let's get together and do a song together. Yeah, no, it's like, okay. We have, we have mutuals and whatever, but it was not that deep. Okay. So you weren't with the same guy? No, not like directly, but we were like, you know, it's a funny story. I was like, wow, this is a really small world. Yeah. No, it's not like that. That serious.

Not that close. But you guys know each other. Then you guys were friends. She works with similar people to me and the song was sent to me. I was like, oh, this is so cool. And I just love like I met her and I was like, I love her. Yeah. She's so fun.

I loved being around her. Like when I met my boyfriend, I stayed with her in New York and she like sent me off. Oh, it was really cute. She's so fun. I loved being around her. Like when I met my boyfriend, I stayed with her in New York and she like sent me off and it was really cute. It was really fun. So she's like, have fun. So she was there like when it first all happened. That was the first date. Like she has like the video of me leaving to like see him for the first time. It's really cute. I love stuff like that. Yeah. I was at my mom and sister's when he picked me up for the first time and I was like, I just remember it so much. Like, Oh, look, they're looking to see who it is. Exactly. That's so fun. Who's your dream collab musically or not musically I don't know I feel like obviously like I'm

definitely a Swifty I love Taylor oh really yeah so you are in like your I don't know she's country anymore I can say her country but maybe she's not she's yeah I mean I'm like I love her so much really did you go to her eras tour I did you did. You did? Yeah, I did. Did you go with a company? Did you get like sponsored to go? No, so I bought tickets, but then, so I was in one of her music videos for a while ago. Which one? The Man. I'm a new Swifty.

My co-host loves Taylor Swift. It's okay. I get it. Yeah, okay, The Man. It's like, it's such like a thing, you know what I mean? It's like Oh my gosh. I get it. Like you're, you're drifting in. Yeah. Yeah.

I love her. I'm into it. I'm getting, I'm slowly getting it. I'm like fully not there. There's a lot of like lore and you know, lots of gifts, but I love her so much. So this music video, how old were you? I was, I think I was, I was 17 at the time for that too. How did you get in it?

They called you or? Um, I didn't know really who the music video was for fully until I was like there wow but it was like you're gonna want to do this oh my god I was like okay but yeah were you featured were you like can you see you in the video yeah I was like um there's a like a tennis scene and I was like the ball girl she says my name in the video which I like wish I could frame a video wait what like what did she say she's like your name lauren like hey lauren she's like basically the music video is about her she's like in full prosthetics as a man and then she at the end is like directing this like douchey like guy which is also her in like prosthetics okay i'm explaining this very poorly it's very one direction no i love it but then at the end

she's like i basically do nothing i just just stand there and roll my eyes and whatever. Oh, okay. You're like the hot girl in the video? The mean girl. I'm rolling my eyes because he's being a douche. Throwing a fit on the tennis court and throwing the balls and whatever. And so I'm rolling my eyes and just standing there. And the moral of the story

is at the end, she says to male version of her, she's like um that wasn't basically like sexy enough and she's like by the way good job over there lauren because like i did nothing you know what i mean i just like stood there oh my god that's kind of everything yeah and she was just like the nicest person i've ever met and that for me i met so many girls that i looked up to that i'm just like you suck yeah so to meet her who I've like idolized above everyone and have her like she knew where I was from and we're from like the same

area in Pennsylvania and she like talked to me and she didn't have to oh she did you had like a conversation with her yeah and she talked to me like music or whatever and I was just like so in awe that someone could be so successful and so sweet and that makes me like her even more because so many times on music videos specifically, like you don't go into guitar to the artist by their choice or whatever. It just doesn't happen. So yeah. Wow.

Like, like I was just, and I loved her. I would be posting it. I talk about it all the time. Oh, you do? I talk about it all the time.

I did a deep dive and I did not know this. If someone even like slightly, if there's like slightly an in for me to mention Taylor Swift, I'm like, yes, I was in the video. Oh my God. I don't know.

I never, and have you shown it on TikTok where you like green screen it behind you or something? Yeah. But like. I never saw this. Yeah. It's, I mean like a lot of people that, I feel like people knew me from that. You know what I mean?

No way. Like they didn't know, a lot of people just probably didn't know who I was until that. Cause there was so many articles that were like, who is this person? It's in Taylor's video. So are you just like back there by, like just you and Taylor, like the Taylor male version of Taylor and Taylor and you? Yeah.

And it was crazy. Cause yeah, I'm like kind of in the scene. It's kind of hard to explain. I need to see this. I need to watch it. Like, oh my God.

Yeah. We'll watch it. How did I not know? I literally did so much. It's so weird. Yeah. It's like, that's one of my like biggest favorite things that I've ever done.

Yeah, you're like, I can't top that. That's so cool. It's so hard to top. When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most? When your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard. When the barbecue's lit, but there's nothing to grill. When the in-laws decide that, actually, they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer.

So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over deliver. Yeah, the nicest person ever. And I was a fan of her, obviously, before that. Like a huge fan. But after that, I was like, I'd do anything for her. Oh, my God. The nicest person ever. Like, and I was a fan of her obviously before that. Like a huge fan. But after that I was like, I'd do anything for her.

Oh my God. So then the show, you bought the tickets and then they. I bought the tickets and then they like moved me and it was really nice. They recognize, like who recognized you? Someone from her team? Well, no, like they, they knew I was going and whatever. And yeah. Did you post about it or something like that?

No, we have like team members in common. Oh, okay. That's so cool. I love that. Oh my God. How awesome. But I just love that. Oh my God, how awesome. But I just love her. Oh my God. So that would be your dream collab?

I would say, yeah. Yeah. Does she collab with people? I don't even know. Sometimes, like on Volt Tracks, like Fall Out Boy collab. She has Fall Out Boy? Yeah, she has a Fall Out Boy collab. She's a Hayley Williams.

There was a lot on Speak Now, I think. Yeah. Oh, okay. There was quite a few on like the Speak Now TV. You also said you liked Eminem before we started. You're like, I love the hair of Eminem. I love him. I have like, the tattoos that I have are all artists or movies.

Okay. I wonder, because you have 1148 on your arm. Well, that's my parents' address. Oh. But like. Okay. What's the other ones? But like, these are all Lil Peep.

That was my. Wow. I didn't know you're hip hop girly. Yeah. I mean, it's like emo hip hop though. It's like sad emo hip hop. that was my wow I didn't know you're hip-hop girly yeah I mean it's like emo hip-hop though it's like sad emo hip-hop a little bit I don't know I'm not sure a little people I just thought of him as like a rapper he's yeah but it's like sad emo vibes which I love I have like my My Chemical Romance tattoo here wait what do you have it says so long and good night on my ribs right here when did you get that when I was like 18 oh that's like my dream tattoo I always wanted it I'm so scared I love it it's one of my ribs right here. When did you get that? When I was like 18. Oh, that's like my dream tattoo. I always wanted it.

I'm so scared. I love it. It's one of my favorites. It's right here. I have an M&M one here. What's your M&M one? It says here today, gone tomorrow. Oh my God.

So you're like super fan. Like you're getting tattoos of people. These are all Taylor. This is Taylor. This is Taylor. Wow. Wait, what is, so what's this one? That's a bow and arrow.

That's from the song The Archer, which is one of my favorite songs of hers. Oh my gosh my and this is from seven and also one of my favorite songs but they're like very meaningful like the archer is all about she's like i've been the archer i've been the prey who could ever leave me but who could stay it's like oh you know i've come for people like they've hurt me but like who's gonna stay i love the the only chance of song i really stand and i totally relate to it is like the, what's the, is it Blank Space? Oh my gosh, yeah. Where she got a long list of lovers who'll tell you I'm insane

and I've got a blank space baby. I'm like that's so I always thought that was like my anthem. My best friend told me that that was yeah, that was my song. I think all the like crazy girl anthems are totally that because it's like, yeah, it's gonna go down in flames. I'm like this is literally my story too. Do you like, I feel like if you really start digging into Taylor lore I think you would love it relate it i know like once you start relating things and

realize like what she's saying in different salt like especially in like evermore folklore once you start digging in i feel like you'll be like okay i get it everyone i know everyone i know is like obsessed with taylor and i'm like i need to give. I'm so hyper-fixing on one person at a time. I think I'll have my era of it. So you're in your weekend era? I'm in my weekend era, yeah. Like how cool? I love the weekend.

Do you like the weekend? I do like the weekend. I do. I feel like lately people have come on like, I hate the idol. I hate the weekend. I'm like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I actually didn't hate the idol. I saw the vision.

Because you're a trauma girl like me. And you're like, I didn't hate it. I heard Tiana on Can vision because you're a trauma girl like me and you're like i didn't hate it i heard tiana uncancelled be like this was actually really traumatizing and you talked to trisha why she thought this was hot i was like yeah i'm like i don't know actually i don't know it's and it's also hard because i like i understand i know they had like some production issues and like some weird stuff with like that yeah it was supposed to be more girl's girl and then it became sexual and it's's not bad. I don't know why people hate it. Like I, do you know why people hate it? I think they were just saying like, it's like, I actually don't know. I'm guessing either hypersexual, misogynistic, bad storyline people said, but I loved the storyline. I didn't think

it was misogynistic at all. I thought the end made it not misogynistic that she was kind of in control this whole time that she was kind of lying and manipulating him. Yeah. Is what I got from it, but maybe I'm looking at it through warp dice that's what i that's what i thought too is like she sort of took control of him at the end yeah she kind of took advantage of this she's like okay yeah with her friend that you know tracer von's character and stuff like that she was lying and saying all this stuff that wasn't true and he was getting like tortured and she was just kind of like living for it and having and he put the hairbrush her mom never beat her with the hairbrush at the end of it. That was crazy. That was definitely crazy.

He's like, wait a minute. I don't know. I just thought it was like, wow, it was such a good ending. I don't know. I was, I was, are they making like a season two? No, it got canceled, but I'm hoping I'm bringing it back. I hope it like comes back. Yeah.

I would have, I would have, I wouldn't, I wouldn't know what's happening. Oh, you could have, oh my God, you could have played Jocelyn. That is so your vibe for sure. No one wants that. Have you ever acted? No, you would be so good. I have a movie coming out this year. What? Yeah, I'm really excited.

Have you talked about it? Briefly, like I've mentioned it. It just got announced that it's Netflix bought it. So yeah. When did you film this? 2021 was when we were filming. No way. Are you bleach blonde Lauren in this?

And are you playing what kind of character? Supporting? Supporting. But like basically there's like two different storylines that are happening and my character is like the it girl whatever but like I make quite the mess of myself and I think like it was definitely out of my

comfort zone because the role itself is like kind of embarrassing and like awkward but the it girl is why it's a comedy okay okay okay and like i don't even know what i'm allowed to say okay i'll tell you more like off camera but it's like it's very like messy and embarrassing and like the comedy is that i'm making a fool out of myself and but it's fun so you're the comedic relief yeah in a way but i'm also like the the plot line for like some of the characters

so it's oh my god it's really interesting and it was like the first because I never wanted to take an acting role because of like my following so I was happy that like I'm not a main character the movie is not like about me or like what I can bring to the table yeah I had to do like five rounds of auditions and in person and calls and wow yeah how did you get that are you with an agency uh yeah okay so you have like an agent and they're pitching you for acting and this was like your first act so you couldn't act I mean you got this role after five auditions yeah and I like really really wanted it because I thought the role would be so like I've always wanted to do something something in comedy oh my god and so it was so far out of my comfort zone and they asked me so

many times like are you sure that you want to do this because it's like definitely out there and i was like yeah and it's not like hyper sexualized or anything it's more so just like kind of okay something you wouldn't expect is it like comedy as in like american pie like r-rated or is like pg-13 it's like mean girls like super bad Oh, okay. But like kind of out there comedy. And you're like the hot girl in the movie. Oh my God. You're like my dear. I was going to be the hot.

Are you in high school in the movie? Like you're a high schooler? Yeah. I've always wanted to play a high schooler my whole life. I was like, oh, that's patient as best. I only really got to be hot

for like a couple days of shooting out of like months. Oh, and then the rest is time. The rest is me just like a mess. Oh my God. I can't wait to see it. Who else is in it? Can you say

or is there big names in it? Yeah, Mason Tames who's in Black Phone. He's like one of the main characters and then there's like a bunch of other really talented little actor boys.

I'm not super like familiar with the acting world. Yeah, I'm not either. You can say the biggest person. I just found out Jacob Lordy like last year, like a few months ago. Yeah, I'm really bad

at names and faces but like I know the kids that I was working with and they were super talented but it was weird because like I didn't shoot with everyone if that makes sense. Yeah, I'm really bad at names and faces, but like I know the kids that I was working with and they were super talented. But it was weird because like I didn't shoot with everyone, if that makes sense. Yeah. Like I know who's in the film, obviously. Right. But like I didn't get to meet everyone. Oh my gosh. Or like briefly, you know. Wow, that is so exciting. Oh my god, so when does it come out? It comes out this summer. No idea. Oh my god. It got sold and like I've heard nothing of like when it's coming out. Have you seen it?

Nope. Oh my God. So do you think you'll get to see it before it comes out? Probably. I hope. I would love to. But like I am excited for it because I actually worked really hard to be good at it. Oh, I can't wait to see it.

I feel like some people, yeah, I think it's really hard for influencers to like transition. Even if they are talented, it takes them like a minute. Like I know Addison Rae got like a lot of shit for the she's all, he's all that, whatever it was. I thought it was good. But then you see her in Thanksgiving, she's so good, you know? It's like, I think it's just like people don't want to take it seriously at first, you know? And it's just like, you know, people don't want to, I guess, accept the fact that one

person can be multifaceted. Right. They're like, yeah. And even if, you know, even if it it's not perfect like good for you for trying oh the fact that you got cast i'm sure that means you were good because i think there's a lot i've i know a lot of tiktokers who said they've auditioned even youtubers i know shane dawson like uh auditioned for a scream for and didn't get it you know what i mean like i feel like there's so many i know david dobrik auditioned for like a marvel movie to get it you know there's so many

influencers that are huge that like don't get these roles so i I think you do have to have some talent to get it. You know what I mean? I hope that's like, I think that's the case. But like, oh, I know it is. I wanted to, I wanted to work really hard at it. And the set days were long and it was like, it was a lot. But I was like, there's things that I've turned down to like a while ago.

Do you remember when Cameron Dallas was on Broadway? Yes. So I got offered to like do like figure out a part stop it and i said for the broadway musical and i said no because i'm not no no but listen but hear me out that's like my dream i sing sure yeah but like not like that and i think i think i'm dancing period sure but I just know when it's like this is not yes could I probably have an opportunity because of like the following or because of whatever but like am I a Broadway singer no are there people are there people that train their whole lives to do that

and like they should absolutely do that yes let them have it no no I feel like this especially for like those few months take the opportunity girl take it that's so I was also young and like scared of being embarrassed like I knew I wasn't like the best singer at the time and I was just like this is scary do you have any idea what role or they were just trying to figure it out for you it was like one of the blonde roles oh my god but I was scared and even if it was just an audition I was just I was scared because I knew that I wasn't capable of singing that well and I knew I wasn't trained and I knew people would be upset and I knew it

deserved to go to someone else I don't think so I think you would have surprised a lot of people I did see Cameron Dallas in it I saw I saw Mean Girls probably I don't know two dozen times on Broadway actually maybe a dozen and it like and I saw Cameron and like yeah he's not a singer but I was like good for him for doing this like I mean who's not going to take that opportunity?

Me. I was too scared. I was too scared. That makes me. Oh, my God. That breaks my heart. And who knows? They might have been like, yeah, you're not built for this role either.

But I was just even scared of walking in the door. Because I was like, oh. I don't know. I just feel like I'm so. I know what my strengths are. And I'm a much better singer now than I was at the time. But even then, I was like, oh, girl, I can't sing like that. They also train you.

Like, Pamela Anderson, I saw, you know, in Chicago. And she, like, they train you to sing. You know, she's not a singer or dancer. Didn't they, like, was that in her documentary? Yeah, at the end. And they, like, and Chicago's known for stunt casting. They just had Ariana from, I don't know, Pump, I don't know that show, Vanderpump Rules.

I don't know. She's some scandal. And she's, like, the new Roxy. I feel like they just train those people but you are performers so like they would be able to train you no would you do it now I think like my confidence is definitely better than it was I was just so like afraid of being embarrassed my whole career okay but Mean Girls on Broadway doesn't even do stunt casting like that so the fact that they would have even offered you an audition is like huge like except for Camera Dallas yeah I was so stoked but then I at the end of the day I was like girl this is not for you oh you probably could have

done it because sabrina carpenter i think went in right before uh covet and renee rap was in it right before covet you probably could have gotten in there that because it was around that time was like i think i'd be like too scared now but now you wouldn't now i don't think i would because i do it like i have a little more faith in myself but at the time i was like yeah um yeah it's gonna which is wild because you're so he has so much confidence. Like I know you've gone through, we've gone through a rollercoaster here today, but it's like, you have so much confidence. I think that's like one thing, like your insecurities, of course, but you can be insecure. I'm, I'm both. I'm very confident. I'm very insecure. Yeah. I think there's certain things that I'm confident in. And then there's

certain things that I just, I, and I just, I know who I am and I know what I'm capable of. And I think at the time I was like, you know, this is going to be one of those things where I just, I know who I am and I know what I'm capable of. And I think at the time I was like, you know, this is going to be one of those things where I just, I say, you know what? Someone else deserves it. Well, I think he does. I think if they offer it to you, you're still, you're still very young. You can play a plastic easily. You can be, oh my God, that would be, especially with a new movie.

Now I'd be like, okay, cool. I will work really hard at it. But at the time I was just so afraid of like people not liking me. Oh man, that sucks. You know what I mean? Yeah. I feel like i have that a lot where i'm like oh i could do this but like what if people don't like me like i was so scared of coming here because i'm like there's such a big chance that everyone hates me and like no oh my god i hope you don't feel that way it's so funny you said that too that you were like nervous enough when you came in here you know talking to most whatever you just like you have so much confidence like you're just very you can

chat to anyone like it's it's so odd that you would think that or have those feelings of insecurity when this stuff i'm like oh she's a performer she's ready she comes and does these interviews she's like which is like amazing oh my god i hope you get offered again because i think that would be and your boyfriend's there so because your reason to go to new york that's true you know what i mean yeah please offer i was gonna bring i was gonna bring him today because he was like oh i'll come and i'll wait in the car and i'll study and i was like no because i could have brought you can bring people in it's like it's like the straight man energy that we don't have it oh it's just trash you know I don't mind a straight man if he's like especially international especially a foreign one you know yeah no he's he's cool

he's just also very quiet I was like you know what it's okay and you like you could stay home and study and I'll just go do it wait is he here now yeah Yeah. Oh, I didn't know. Yeah, he's in town, but he's studying for tests and whatever. You should always, I always tell people to bring everyone. I think Zach Sang came with the most. I think he came with like 20 people or 15. I don't know, maybe.

Oh, wow, live audio. It was like 15. It was like a lot. It was like a whole group. It's like a talk show. Yeah, it was crazy. I was like, okay, they rolled deep. I love when people bring people. I think it's fun.

I love it also too, like Brooke doesn't bring anyone. I think that's fun too. I usually go places solo. Now I've been a little more scared scared i'll bring like my sister or something like that i always i always have to bring someone yeah i'm so yeah i just feel like just a comfort also and just like i'm like afraid because what if i like say something that like i shouldn't have said or like oh right or like because sometimes i just get on a roll clearly

i'm the same way i think i've done a couple things solo and i'm just like and then sometimes i still showed up so long they're like, oh, you come by yourself. I'm just like, oh, should I bring someone? I don't know. I don't know. But you drove yourself, right? Okay. So you're like independent. I saw you getting gas this morning. Oh my gosh, you were on it. I was just posted that. I love, even yesterday I saw, I was like, oh my God, because I thought you said you were sick. I was like, is she, is she going to, because I was like so worried. No, I'm finally over it. I was sick for like a month and you know those coughs that just linger and will not go away. I had a cough for two months like last

year. He just got over his for like three weeks. I think it's like a virus going around. And it just like will not leave. It's awful. But it's finally at the point where I'm not like hacking up a lung and I. No, you sound great. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah. You sound amazing. What is your goals or plans for this year? Do you have any or just live life? Oh my gosh. Um, I don't know. I feel like I'm excited for the movie career wise. Like I genuinely have no idea yet. Um, just kind of taking things as they come. I've had some really good luck off the top of the year already. Yeah. It can be a slow start to the year. Yeah. It was like a quick start. So I'm really excited about that. I'm doing a lot of like speaking conferences, like at these like tech summits.

Oh, that's so perfect for you. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? I went to Lisbon in November and I just talked about social media and longevity and whatever, which you would actually be perfect at. No, you are the greatest because you started as a child and you're still doing this. It's amazing. Yeah, but you could talk about career longevity all day.

I don't think so. I don't think I've had it consistently like you. I think you've had that consistent and you just manage it so well. And you've had the mainstream success. You've sung, you've been off of Broadway, you're in a movie. Like those are, that's a, those are huge accomplishments that I don't think I've met with any other social media star. Like in person, anyways, I never met someone like you, which is, it's amazing. And I'm, if I was in my bitter Trish era, I'd be so jealous of you. And I am, I'm like, Oh my God, you're It's amazing. And I'm, if I was in my bitter Trish era, I'd be so jealous of you. And I am.

I'm like, oh my God, you're living my dream. Like when you said the Broadway, I was like, no. No, it's, and I get it. And like, I don't know. That, that to me makes sense though. Cause I'm like, okay, I had to turn it down. Cause someone else deserves it. Someone else worked for it.

Like I, I can't just walk in there and take that opportunity from someone. But anyways. Yeah. Yeah. That, which I think you would be so good at, but that's off topic. Oh, well, thank you. And I just said to you today, we're talking about bangs earlier. And I was just like, oh my God.

It's so weird to see you in that. Because I showed up with the wrong hair. No, I showed up with the wrong hair. I was like, I saw it on your story. I was like, should I switch to my wig real quick? Because I have a wig that looks like your actual hair. Yeah. I was like, should I switch in?

We can be twinning. But I like this, the no bangs. We were talking about how I have such a huge forehead. And you were like, I hate my little forehead. And I was like, I've never seen your forehead because I was seeing you with bangs. Yeah, because it doesn't even register. Because it's just like, I don't know. It's like a two head.

Like, where's my wig? I don't know if I'm showing it. Let me see. But you have such a good hairline. This is also my wig down. Like, I have it. Mine's like a receding hair. I also don't know how you pull off bangs.

I can't see. Like, it's so hard. I don't. That's the thing I didn't like. Because I would always end up parting them and then they would look weird because they just stuck like they go on the lashes and stuff like that I just started growing them out I love this look so are you gonna be brunette for a while yeah I mean this will fade into like a bit more like dirty blonde closer to my natural hair color but I'm trying to grow my

hair and if I keep bleaching it it's gonna fall out yeah that's exactly well at least you learned that young I was like 30 and I was like bald and I was like, okay, I need to stop. I just, and I can do, so the way that we do my hair is like these pieces are blonde. So if I need to put a wig on for something, I can be blonde from here back and just like tuck my hair under. Do you wear wigs? Um, for events and things like that, I do like wigs like from here. Oh, okay.

So you do. so you have the hairline like the front of my hair yeah it took me a while to be comfortable with like a wig because i'm always like okay you can clock the hairline like mine's not good some people can like glue it and like be me i'm like yeah i can't do it myself yeah same no but you did this glam today yourself this i can like extensions and makeup i can do it's amazing but i of course i like it better when someone else does my hair yeah i can't i can't I can't do, I can't even put a lash on. Also, I don't know what the back of my head looks like, you know? I don't want to know.

I never do. I also don't judge anyone based on the back of the head. Because one, I never look at anyone's back of the head. Right. And also me, I literally look crazy all the time. Like most of the time I can feel him sometimes like try to like go down. Like I know I don't brush the back of my head. Yeah.

And I could tell like my boyfriend has never been with. Hair extensions? A glam. A glam girl. Okay. Yeah. Where he's like, what's this? Yeah. He, because like on our first date, one of my extensions was hurting. So I like popped it out. No girl. Okay, yeah. Where he's like, what's this? Yeah, because on our first date

one of my extensions was hurting so I popped it out in the car and I tried to put it in my purse and he was like, did you take your hair out? And I was like, yeah I should have given you the warning but this one was bothering me a little bit He didn't know, most of it didn't exist He's like, I didn't know people wore extensions. I'm like, what? And he was like, sometimes I'll walk in and be like

so is this your hair or someone else's hair? Oh my god That's kind of cute though or someone else's hair? Oh, my God. That's kind of cute, though. Someone else's and it was very expensive. You're like, this is like Indonesian hair that I had to like import. Yeah, it was expensive. But he's learning. Like I do my eyelashes and he's like in awe.

Yeah, it's like a whole new world for him. Yeah. And I think I'm a little different for him. You are a glam girly. I think that's good, though. I love it. I love it. And you look, I mean, the glam is amazing on point.

And the new cowboy boots. I mean, he was like confused by the spray tan. Like, that was another one. Oh. He was like, I took me to my spray tan last night. And I was like, I'm just warning you. I'm going to come out. And I'm going to be like brown and green.

Oh, my. But it'll go away. It rinses off. Yes. I know. I almost spray tanned. That's why I wore these. I almost spray tanned. And I fell asleep at like 6 o'clockes off. Yes. I know. I almost spray tanned. That's why I wear these. I almost spray tanned

and I fell asleep at like six o'clock at night. Yeah. I fall asleep early. I love to sleep these days. Oh gosh. It's the best. And like being up early

you said you're a morning person. I'm such a morning person. I'll go to sleep at 630 and be up at like four. Can you take naps? Being pregnant I can but I never was able to before but now I take naps.

How about you? I love like a 20 minute nap. You know it's like the optimal time. If you take like a 26 minute nap it's the perfect amount of time. Do you set an alarm? Interesting. So it's like a little. Siesta, yeah. Okay. Siesta, that's my Spanish coming through. Oh my God. Your boyfriend will be so impressed. Does he take one with you? Um, he tried, he doesn't sleep much. Okay. So he like doesn't sleep. Like he'll get like six hours of sleep and be fine. I need like my full eight

hours. Me too. And I thought in Spain too, don't they like take off like three hours for lunch to like nap and stuff like that? Yeah. It's like in the culture, but he doesn't, he doesn't. He's just also like young and well, you haven't figured out. You're like, I need 26 minutes and that's it. I need 26 minutes or like three. And then at night I need eight hours. Yeah. Always. And don't, do not wake me up before those eight hours have like gone. Well, that's why you're like grounded. Like that's why you're like holding it together and stuff like that. Cause I'm really, you are such an interesting case where you've gone through so much

and you've almost like, maybe you should be a therapist or something. The way you like, what do you call it? You cycle, what do you say? Psychoanalyzer. Yeah, it's very wise. Thank you. I don't know.

Maybe. Or maybe I'm just like, maybe I'm so, I can have things so wrong and backwards and whatever. No, I mean, I don't know either. But I think like you seem very level-headed and very with it. And I think you should never stop sharing your story. I think all these stories like really matter and gives people confidence to say stuff.

Also give people the confidence to know something is wrong, you know what I mean, where it's not normal. And, you know, I think that's good. The more people that talk about it, the more people are aware that this is not a good thing you know what I mean and also I was not expecting to say this much today I apologize don't apologize I'm so I like I apologize to all the fishies no I applaud it and so many people I think will applaud the bravery and so many young girls I think will just be like oh my gosh this is something that I've gone through or I haven't talked about or I don't know how to feel or process it and I think you did a good job talking about it and how you deal with it. I hope so.

I hope that's like the outcome. It is. I mean, it's inspirational. It's like a sad story, but then seeing your success and seeing how you're functioning in life is a beautiful thing. Thank you. How am I functioning in life? I don't know. You're doing well.

You're doing very well. I mean, when you told me when you came in about your house and stuff like that, I was like, wow, that's amazing. At 21. Thank you. That's a huge life achievement. It's, it's, it's cool. I, but it's just, you don't really register it, you know? It's like, this is great. Okay. Next. Yeah. Well, I hope you can. I hope you can reflect. I'm trying to do that more. Yeah. Okay. You asked what I'm doing this year. That's what I'm trying to do more is just be like, okay, this is good. This is a good thing. Yes. It's a good thing. You deserve it. You work hard for it.

Thank you. You know, you processed everything. Try to let things be good. I love that. I think more good things will be coming for you. I'm so excited just for whatever comes. I'm excited for your movie. I'm excited for your love life.

I'm excited for whatever happens. And I'm here for it. And hopefully Broadway. I'm petitioning for Lauren Gray back on Mean Girls on Broadway. Go see the movie. You'll be inspired. And then I feel like you'll go on it. The movie was really good. Oh, you saw it? Yeah. You could be a Karen for sure. I feel like that's definitely. Go see the movie. You'll be inspired. And then I feel like you'll go on it. The movie was really good. Oh, you saw it?

Yeah. You could be a Karen for sure. I feel like that's definitely. I would love to be. I would love to be Karen. That's your vibe for sure. I mean, you could be any. You could be Regina.

You could be anybody. But. Regina, I feel like. Would that be hard for me? Maybe. I don't know. I think you could do it. You could sing like that.

I think you could. I could train a little bit. We'll work on it. I'm here for it. Lauren, thank you so much for coming. This was like really, truly one of my favorite interviews. I did not even expect this either. I was just like, I don for it. Lauren, thank you so much for coming. This was like really, truly one of my favorite interviews. I did not even expect this either. I was just like, I don't know. Like she's so perfect and just so pretty. And I'm like, how am I going to

even relate? And here I am just being like me too. Everything you said, I'm like me too. But you know, it's the worst interview to be like me too. But it's like, I feel you on so many levels. And I wish you could talk so much more, but hopefully you'll come back when your movie comes out. So much more. Check out Lauren Gray everywhere. She's on TikTok, but hopefully you'll come back when your movie comes out and so much more. We can talk about it. Check out Lauren Gray everywhere. She's on TikTok, Instagram. She'll be on Netflix soon and Broadway. We're manifesting that. Okay, guys, we'll see you next time.

Thank you. Bye.