Keeping Records - A Perfect Episode (with Brian Robert Jones)

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

Musician/producer Brian Robert Jones stops by the ~virtual~ Keeping Records studio to talk about what the kids mean when they say "throwing neck," TI-89 calculators, and his lifelong dream of performing live at KFC's Yum! Center in Louisville, KY. (Where, incidentally, Shelby thinks would be a cool place to lose your virginity.)  The best part of this perfect episode is that there was not a single technical difficulty or internet connection issue and we all love recording podcasts remotely for everyone's safety. It's the best! Brian's artifacts:  Absolutely killing It as a plus one to an event where you know very few if any people (Experience) *NSYNC - Discography (Audio) Nick Jonas performing Spaceman on SNL (Audio-Visual) Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (Movie) Eating a Gigantic Breakfast at a Nice Hotel (Experience) Follow Brian on Instagram, Twitter, and Spotify.  Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludo satou. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe, seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well,

well, well. Happy Valentine's Day, Caleb. Happy Valentine's Day, Caleb. Happy Valentine's Day. We are recording on Valentine's Day, the day for lovers, which can be so powerful. Caleb, today I posted a picture of me and my girlfriend, Lindsay. And I got a lot of DMs being like, I'm really happy for you. Or like, or like, she's like like i got a lot of dms that were kind of like wow good wow we didn't think oh good well lindsey is very beautiful i think

that is um yeah there's a flavor to that. Isn't there? There's a real taste to like, I'm so happy for you. When like, I also didn't put, it would be. It's very much giving make a wish foundation. It's giving make a wish foundation. And it would be different if I posted like never, like something really emotional, like never thought I would find love like that. Like something, you know what I mean?

Like, like damn the happiest I've ever been in my, it was it's literally just a picture it says valentine on it doesn't even say like happy valentine's day or like this is my it just says the word valentine people are like people are responding and being like what's your secret people are like how did you and i mean you do this and i you know so i um i showed somebody a picture of a guy I hooked up with recently and, um, he is very attractive about that. Sure. Sure.

Well, I think you might know, but well, anyway, he's very attractive and, and they went and they went, Whoa, excuse you. I, there, there really is something, there's something, there's a flavor to these sorts of responses yeah all the it should just be like like oh that's it that's what i want i was i i mean i i was kind of i was kind of talking about this on stage the other night i there's something about um like when i like i will i have had this experience several times recently where i'll be like i will call myself sexy like i'll be like I'm sexy. And someone will say something to the effect of like, yeah, because confidence is key girl. And I'll be like, no. I'm sexy. And people are like, and it's important to believe that about yourself.

I'm like, I'm beautiful. And they're like, and I love that attitude, honey. And I'm like, what's going on? What's going on? They go, I'm beautiful. You say, I'm beautiful. And they say, wow, it took me a really long time to get to that place with myself. So I can't imagine. They go, speak it into existence, King.

I'm like, what's going on? Nobody will believe it until you believe it. And we do not yet believe it. So it's good to hear that you do it really is such a it's such an energy of like of like i don't know there's something there's something like where it's it's still trying to be empowering where it's like i love that for you or like fierce oh fierce it's giving fierce and i'm like what are you doing yes bitch you're giving false confidence. Yes, bitch, give us delusion. I love a little mental illness.

Go off, girl. Give us delusion, King. We love it. Today, I had a nurse at the house, and I have to tell you what happened when she left. Tell us what happened when she was there. A lot of nurse stuff no ooh what was she wearing

come on she brought me a condom catheter oh okay so what happened when she left oh sorry go on with what happened when she left maybe cause there was nothing sexy about when she was there i guess oh she wasn't even wearing a short skirt or anything sorry i'm gonna cry

more clothes i've been wearing more clothes this is so fucking i'm sorry this is so boring covered up head to toe up i thought she was gonna be hot sexy no she was gonna you know lean over and you're she was gonna lean over and her cleavage would be in your face and your heart was going to go or something like that. You know, I wish, I wish I could show you a picture of this woman. 75. Ooh. Ooh. Yummy.

Yeah. What? I find that, I find that to be yummy. Yeah. I'm being ageist. Sorry. 75 can be hot. Well, no, I ageist. Sorry. 75 can be hot. Well, no, I didn't like that I said yummy, though, either.

What happened when she left? Anyway, she was leaving my house. Ooh, okay. And I gave her full instructions on how to get home. Not just out of my... I was like, you're going to turn left. Then you're going to take another left. Then you're going to turn...

I'm giving her full instructions. An hour goes by after she's left. A little bit over, even. Rings the doorbell. I say, who's that? Go to the door. It's her. I say, who?

I say, who? Not you. And she says, I got my car stuck driving out. I said, where does it get stuck? I didn't see it in front. She drove into my backyard and got it stuck in the snow. And then she was like, I was like, okay, do you want me to try and like come push it? And she was like, you won't be able to.

So mean. Didn't even want me to try. Didn't even want me to try. It was just like under no circumstance. You're small. Yeah, she's right. But her car was like a Camry. I could push a Camry. Shelby, come on. You have so many strengths and talents, but you are just not, you're not swole. You got to see me in front of a Camry. In front. Okay. You're got to see me in front of a Camry. In front, okay. You're going to go in front. We're starting off in a bad position. Well, I have to be in front.

That's the part that's stuck. No, you push from behind. I would push her further into the yard. Ah! No, push her into the yard, babe. So she's in the yard. She says, I can't help. So I call my dad's landscaper. I say, he will come and help. An angel.

Great guy. And he says, I'll be right there. Okay. I tell her, I have someone coming to help. I said, you're welcome to wait wherever you want. You can sit in the kitchen. You can sit wherever you feel most comfortable. Like, don't sit out in the cold, whatever.

Then I'm taking care of other shit. I'm busy. Every five minutes, I'm busy, busy. Every five minutes, she goes, do you know how much longer it's going to take? One, you drove your car into my backyard. I did not do that. That is not my fault. Two, I called someone for you. You didn't call,

so I called someone. And then she was like, when I said he was five minutes away, she goes, I'll just wait for him

outside. Queen. I love her. I absolutely love her. I want her to be in office. She should be

president of Chagrin County or whatever. Close. I'll take it. Chagrin County or whatever. Close. I'll take it. Chagrin Falls in... Wait, Chagrin Falls in Cuyahoga County. Correct.

There he goes. Ding, ding, ding. God, I'm good. He's a winner. Shelby, before we bring in our guest today, I have a little bit of free clout for the girlies that I want to share with you. Okay, share it. Go off.

Free clout. I have been watching... I'm trying to get better about watching TV. I'm not good at it, which is really funny because I get asked a million times a day what I'm watching. And I'm always like nothing really. And I'm trying to be better. Cop shows almost always. I'm watching.

I'm watching like Law and Order SVU or I'm watching like I just watched a movie with Cuba Gooding Jr. and Beyonce from like 2006. I'm not keeping up on stuff like I should be. I'm not keeping up with the Kardashians. I'm not keeping up with the Kardashians. I'm not keeping up with the Kardashians, honey. But I have been watching, I started watching Somebody Somewhere on HBO Max with Bridget Everett. It is so lovely. I love it.

I have not clicked it yet, but I will. And now that I have your endorsement, I'm going to. It's really beautiful. Give me a one. Give me a log line. Honey, Bridget Everett is struggling in Kansas. And it's beautiful. And it's sad and funny.

Oh, my God. Is it a Wizard of Oz movie? Yes. There's the dog and the monkeys and everything. So, yeah. But it's really beautiful and the monkeys and everything. So, um, yeah, but it's really beautiful. I really like it.

The Duplass brothers produced it and I think, I think it's very good. Okay. Guys, you heard it here first. Any free clout for the girlies? It's a really good question. Um,

it's someone who doesn't really need the free clout, and I'll say that up top. Michelle Obama. The past two days I've listened. It's Michelle Obama. Michelle Obama's book Becoming. The book. Y'all get out there. Pick this up.

Do not wait. No, but the past two days I've really listened to, and I'm embarrassed to admit it, on repeat, Ghost by Justin Bieber. Okay, Ghost by Justin Bieber. Ghost by Justin Bieber. Awesome, Ghost by Justin Bieber. Awesome. It's good. Yeah, okay.

Can we play a little bit of it? Can we play a little bit of it on you? She'll get there. Here's what I think it sounds like. I haven't ever heard it yet. Okay. Ghost by Justin Bieber. Yeah. It's a banger i think it sounds i think it probably sounds like this i haven't heard it yet where'd you go baby you're my ghost you're my ghost that's what i think it sounds like you are where'd you go baby you, baby? You're my ghost. You're my ghost. Where'd you go?

Do you know what kind of music Justin Bieber makes? Mm-hmm. Okay, and you think that's similar? Probably better than you even. Hmm. Probably. I don't really listen to Justin Bieber. Probably, probably.

Do we have it, Anya? Anya keeps telling us to shut up? Where'd you go, baby? You're my ghost. Where'd you go? You're my ghost. You're my ghost. You're my ghost. You're my ghost.

Where'd you go? Baby, you're my ghost. Where'd you go? You're my ghost. You're my ghost. Baby, where'd you go? Mine's good, dude. Get me in the stew.

I was singing with it. Well, we're not going to listen to that then. Maybe we'll put some in post. I'm going to throw a tantrum. I'm going to throw a tantrum. Well, I think we probably have to let Brian in here. Oh, well, that's fucked up because he said he would be. Put this in the episode

Where'd you go? You're my ghost Are you ready? This song bangs I wasn't far off Yes you were This song bangs. I wasn't far off. Yes, you were. Where'd you go?

You're not close. Where'd you go? This isn't very good. Are you ready? Okay. Okay. Okay. Hey, thanks. No, I like that.

Thanks. I like that part. Yeah, okay. I see it. I see it. Okay, do we agree? It's good. I don't know if you should be listening to it a lot. Huh. Yay.

Someone got mad at us in the podcast reviews. They said we're not supposed to do no free clout for the girlies anymore because they hate the bleeps. I disagree with them. I disagree with them. I disagree with them. People can pay us and then the bleeps will go away. Yeah, ultimately you're mad at people for not being sponsors of us. You're mad at capitalism.

And so are we. Oh, speak for yourself. I love capitalism. It's kind of working out. We're taking a stand against capitalism. No, honey. I'm taking a stand with capitalism. I'm on capitalism's side. What's the stand you're taking a stand against capitalism. No, honey. I'm taking a stand with capitalism. I'm on capitalism's side.

What's the stand you're taking? The stand I'm taking is let me get this money. Okay. And that's how you're sticking up for capitalism, you think? Yeah, I'm participating in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. No worries.

Well, our guest today, you guys, is a multi-instrumentalist producer who has toured with Gwen Stefani, Muna, Vampire Weekend, and plenty of others. He's our friend, and more importantly, he's an icon. Please put your paws, fins, and hands together for Brian Jones! Brian! Brian! Brian, welcome to the pod! What is up?

Brian, welcome to the podcast! It's so good to be here. It's a long time coming. This is great. How pissed off were you that we hadn't asked you yet be honest um one to ten uh don't say 45 45 damn that's intense 45 almost makes me feel like shit you know yes you're like not at all pissed actually so it was a poverty here that i was asked you know everyone has their own strategies for you know they have to do this this and it's like you know i'm i'm a very patient person and you know i wasn't i wasn't you know i was never gonna you know pressure you guys into having me on but wow what a what a

thrill brian's playing the long game brian what a thrill i really love that i i have started trying to be Brian. Do you think in, do you think in relationships you're, um, do you think you're like when it comes to, to love, do you think you're,

um, strategic active or do you think you're laying in weight? Oh my God. Not laying in weight. That sounds scary. Yeah, that's, that's not how I put it.

I would say I'm definitely patient. I was going to say of the two, though, I would say you're the laying in wait. Laying in wait. It's so bad. I hate laying in wait. Patience about it. Yeah, I'm not laying in wait, but I'm definitely like a chill one, typically. Damn. I'm trying to a chill one, typically. Damn.

I'm trying to be like you. Damn, an absolute chiller. That's awesome. Yeah, whatever's cool. And then that ultimately results in me losing my agency and developing habits that I don't realize that I don't like. And then we don't have to get into that now. No, losing your agency. That's what the podcast is. That's what the podcast is about yeah babe losing your agency trying to learn more about myself i end up losing myself yeah yeah exactly that's pretty cool question mark it's honestly sick i love myself um yeah i'm i'm

very new to like all the dating stuff like i didn't i'd never really date anybody to like literally the pandemic um and i i didn't i didn't crush it at all in uh any of my relationships but um uh but i learned i did learn a lot about myself and i don't know there's a lot it's it's a lot it's valentine's day so this stuff is on the mind val's Valentine's Day. So this stuff is on the mind. Valentine's Day has this stuff on the mind for me. Yeah. Yeah. It's, you know, I'm definitely going to be like, I'm checking in with myself today. Trying not to be too high on myself.

Yeah. It's like New Year's resolutions, but Valentine's Day resolutions. It's like, how am I going to date better for the next year? Exactly. Exactly. Take your time off from it. Shelby, how are you going to date better for the next year? How am I going to date better for the next year? Exactly. Exactly. Shelby, how are you going to date better for the next year? How am I going to date better in the next year? Ooh.

You know what? It's a really good question because I made it seem like we all should be taking stock. And I have to be honest, I have not been. Shelby, you need to be a Maybe that means everything is fine. Okay. Okay, yeah. Okay. I will be better next year. How much would you guys

say it's affecting the recording that my camera's not working at all and you can't see me? I would say there's two things that are affecting the recording coming from my relationship with you at this moment in time. One would be the camera. Two would be how loud your mic is.

No, I turned it down. And I don't know if that's just for me. Is that true? But it really, the two of them was sort of coming at me in such a way that I thought, Caleb and I won't have a good vibe this recording. Wow. It's going to either be Brian and Caleb or Brian and Shelby, but there's not going to be anything between Caleb and Shelby. Your videos started working.

When your mic started getting so loud that I turned my whole volume down to where I could barely hear Brian, I thought, huh, okay, so this is going to be a weird episode where Brian has to pick which one of us he likes more and talk to that person almost explicitly. Is it better? That'd be tough. You hopped online for like two seconds and you started moving.

I was like, wow, that's cool. I was like, oh, it's back. And then it was not. I saw the same thing. Yeah. Oh, man. And I think, you know, something like this is really, really what a human experience we're having right now. That is probably the farthest thing

from what I would describe. Sometimes it just doesn't work. The inability to see your friends over a computer screen in a global pandemic is probably so far from a human experience in my brain. That is the current human experience almost to a t no i this is an inhuman we're experiencing a moment of inhumanity globally politically

oh that was powerful what i said was so powerful no yuck it's funny though i'm kind of funny kiel're frozen on a little frowny face right now. It's very funny. I know. I just sent him a picture of it because it's so truly cute. Very cute little frowny boy. I just want to see my friends, dog. What's the question?

Caleb, you can see us fine. We can't see you at all. You're in the best possible scenario. Y'all got to see me. Can I show you guys something cool about this water bottle? I don't want to be this way, but I have to show you guys something cool about this water bottle i don't want to be this way but i have to show you guys something cool about this water bottle are you guys ready i'm looking okay this is a water bottle we all see it whoa okay now it's a water bottle in a cup hold on there's something more there's something more. There's something more to this.

A lid. Oh my god. Are you guys blown away? It's two full cups. It's two full cups. I can have a water and a coffee. That is lovely. You guys don't really care and I get that, but... Can I...

Well, I can show you... Can I show you my water drinking device that I have right now that could lead us into my first pick, potentially. A thousand percent, yeah. Okay, so I have the full collection of these Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace water, like these big, crazy water jugs. I don't even know what you call it. It's just a huge cup with a huge cup with a straw in it i would call that an um like a novelty cup like the cups you get yeah i own the entire collection of the star wars episode one novelty cups and they're really special king yeah

that's my king shit where do they so where do you now i assume you buy them from like an ebay or like a collector whatever but when they first released was that something you got at like a plate you had to go somewhere or that you could just buy at like a store do you know what i'm saying like when yes and here's your answer right here you could get it at kfc kfc taco bell or pizza hut the yum brands the yum exclamation point brands. Amazing. All gave them to you. You know about Yum exclamation point? No, what's Yum

exclamation point? No, I don't. It's like the parent company of like Taco Bell and you know how you see like a combination Taco Bell, Pizza Hut or like Taco Bell, KFC and stuff like that. I'm at the Pizza Hut. I'm at the Taco Bell. Oh yeah, isn't there, there's like a is it Das Racist? I don't even know who it is like Taco Bell, KFC, stuff like that. I'm at the Taco Bell. Oh, yeah. There's like a... Is it Das Racist?

I don't even know who it is, but there's a comedy. Yeah. But it's because they're all owned by the same company. And then if you play an arena show in Kentucky, you play at the KFC Yum Center,

which I think is really tight. That sucks. I've never played the Yum Center, but that is like that's like one of the last few on the bucket list it's like SNL and the

and the whatchamacallit and the KFC Yum Center in Louisville can you imagine like like having your first kiss at the Yum Center

or like like losing your virginity at the Yum Center I'd do a lot more than that yeah I'd do a lot more than kiss at the Yum Center heyo heyo

I said lose your virginity what more would you do than that yeah yeah I'd do a lot more than kiss at the Yum Center. Hey-o. Hey-o. I said lose your virginity. What more would you do than that? Yeah, yeah. I'd do a lot more than... Yeah, I'm not a virgin anymore, baby. I'd do a lot more than kiss at the Yum Center. I'll tell you that right now. I'd be putting stuff...

You don't even know what I'd be doing. Imagine you're on a third date with someone, and they're like, how did you lose your virginity? Weird question to ask, but they asked it. And you have to be like, I was at the yum center. I was,

I was throwing neck at the yum center. Yes, I was, I was absolutely, I was absolutely tossing salads at the yum center. Wait, we have to go to break. We have to go to break right now.

Holy shit. Holy shit. We have to go to break right now. We need ads. We have to go to break we have to go to break right now holy shit we have to go to break right now we need ads we have to make money welcome welcome bark brian brian amidst all of the technical difficulties we've had and just so the listeners know we've had and i'm not kidding probably 17 different technical difficulties on this episode um that are making it so impossible to record i thought caleb was gonna exaggerate and go to like a thousand but 17 is actually maybe on the lower side of true yeah 17 is south of true and brian now we need to ask you, would you give us a bark? Like a dog? Yeah.

What kind of dog? Big dog or little dog? Oh, God. Whatever dog comes to mind, Brian. Okay. This is insane, by the way. Oh, okay. Oh, God.

There you go. That's all you get. Oh God. This is one of the highest level podcasts that exists. And we're now at a point, by the way, Shelby's frozen for me. Brian's frozen for me. The only person not frozen for me at this point is on you. And we've made Brian bark, which we do to all of our guests, and it's completely inappropriate.

Everyone's on a sound delay. You know, this podcast is faded by God. The way that we're recording this podcast is like as if it's post-apocalyptic and these are the only voice messages we can get out to give an update. It's like, oh, the computer's still not working. Everyone's frozen. I can't speak to anyone. We're using government rationed Wi-Fi.

We may as well be, at least from my end, recording this podcast on a Texas Instruments calculator. It is not going well. But I think that's so beautiful. TI-87. TI-89 Hive, stand up. Hive, rise up. I didn't even know they made an 89. Yeah.

Yeah, they made it. Yeah, well, Brian, they did. It has to be an AP count. Yeah, well, they made it. We're not lying. They made it. Yeah, well, they made the TI-89. Brian, maybe if you believed me for even a second,

believed women even, then you would know that they made the TI-89. Shelby wins. She brought sexism into it and now she wins. I hate when they do that. I can't say anything after that. I hate when they do that. Men can't say anything anymore. Men used to

be able to have opinions Not no more I just want to tell a broad She has some sweet tits And I can't say it anymore You used to be able to tell anything You're telling me that a sexy lady Walks down my street

And I can't say I can't pull my Johnson out At Homeot anymore it used to be you saw a sexy nurse your eyes popped out of your head your tongue rolled out like a carpet that was perfectly fine now you get fucking sued put in prison now i have to hold my drool in like crazy now i'm choking on my own drool getting put in the hospital for a different reason crazy. I can't swallow fast. Now I'm choking on my own drool getting put in the hospital for a different reason. If steam comes out of my ears when I see a pretty lady, they let one of the blue-haired girls

from Twitter kill me in public. It's insane. We used to be a society. Anyway. Hey, do you guys think that Russia russia and ukraine are gonna go to war yeah i don't know what's going on over there i don't want that to happen i don't want it to happen i have some some of my closest friends are ukrainian i don't have a ton of Ukrainian friends, but I don't know if I could

avoid war. I think I do. Brian, do you actually have Ukrainian friends? I don't think so. Oh, damn. I believed you. I'm sorry. I think I have a friend who's from Croatia, but I know that's not the same thing.

Well, they could get involved. You never know. You never know. Anyar producer is Russian. So, you know, she's got skin in the game. And she's in the military over there. She commutes she commutes back and forth no no no no no only kidding um brian what's next on your records uh let's see um try not to you know there's some obvious ones i was trying to think oh

this one uh there's one video this is a quick one but it because it just, you know, there's some obvious ones I was trying to think. Oh, this one, there's one video. This is a quick one, but it, cause it just requires, you know, I think it requires actually watching it. There's a performance of Nick Jonas on Saturday Night Live. It was like a mid pandemic performance and he did his song Spaceman. And I'm not sure if you've seen, I don't know. I'm not sure if you've seen this or if you've heard this song before but it's like the worst song that any major artist has put out in in decades um and he says the word spaceman in it something like 42 times or something like that

and every single line besides one ends with i feel like a spaceman or like the word spaceman but the thing that really pushes this particular performance over the edge is that the band just does not, they're not locked in. They just, this person's in this and no one's playing together. Everything sounds completely disheveled and dismantled. And it's just,

and it's such a good, it's such a good representation of like America during the pandemic. And I think that's why it's so worth it. Like everyone's trying their best and thinks that they're right, but no one's listening to each other and they all are in a different place. And then Nick Jonas is talking about like feeling like a spaceman because he's so isolated because of COVID. Anya we play a little bit of the audio from this anytime the chorus drops from from this particular performance it's just like oh my god guys what's going on someone made someone fucked up is all I have to say.

I don't know who it was, but someone fucked up. Wait, Anya, can we play audio from this or no? No? Okay. Can I? Do you think? You think I can? It's letting me share, let me try it The link was in the thing So I'm just going to click on that Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Jonas.

Can you guys hear this? Kind of. Yeah. The video's on. Space man. Space man. It's still hot, though. Yep. Space man. Space man. He's still hot, though. TV tells me what to think. Yep.

TV tells me what to think. I feel like a space man. All right, so... All right, so this is, like, the synth thing that keeps going. Ooh, ooh. I'm a space man. I'm a spaceman. All right. And then the band is obviously not playing together at this moment,

but then the chorus, it really becomes apparent, and it's really crazy. Who are these shadows standing behind him? I don't even know. Here it goes. I can tell Caleb kind of likes it. No, he's just hot is all. That's all it takes for me. I'm pretty simple.

Spaceman. I can't believe he said the TV tells me what to say. That's all that you really need to hear to get it. But yeah, let's cut this. That's insane. The first, the first line of the second verse mask off minute.

I get home. Wait, that's so true, though. I fuck with Nick Jonas. That's so true, though. I fuck with Nick Jonas. That is a bad song and performance, though. But, Brian, you have to admit,

the second we get home, it is mask off. Oh, yeah. It's mask off in the car, baby. Mask off the minute I get home. I actually never wear a mask. Yeah, well, me neither. Oh my God, I always forget that.

You are staunchly anti-mask. Yeah, the masks actually are making us sicker. Well, you don't want to chop that stuff in. You guys got to do your own research. We're going to get banned. They're going to ban us. Our podcast is going to get taken off the waves. I'm kidding.

I'm obviously kidding. I'm joking. Hey, did you guys see my mom walk into frame with a bowl of M&Ms? No, but I'm kidding. I'm obviously kidding. Hey, did you guys see my mom walk into frame with a bowl of M&M's? No, I'm obsessed. For me, if it did happen, it'll probably happen in like five minutes when your video catches up to the audio.

I told my mom, I said, hey, I have to record podcasts, so don't come in my room at all. She comes in with a bowl of M&M's. Ultimately kind. Obsessed with her. But actively disobeys the one direction I gave. Hey, I will be busy during these times.

Brian, what is next on your records, my friend? Eating a gigantic breakfast at a very nice hotel. Fuck yeah. I don't know. I know both of you have done traveling for work and stuff like that. Every now and then you end up at a really nice hotel. It's like, damn, breakfast buffet situation is really great. Some of these places really go all out and i think that's

just one of the best parts about you know being uh being a human is just getting like you know like four beverages like coffee water juice maybe you know a different kind of juice maybe a juice 2.0 juice part two three you get a cranberry you get an orange you get a coffee you get a water and maybe even a smoothie exactly exactly get a little banana

get some eggs some toast it's like shit I would never do by myself it's like I'm having one thing for breakfast

maybe a second thing but the fact that you can just get like 11 fucking things some of the worst bacon you've ever had but you eat 10 pieces. Oh.

Yeah. Are you doing this? They've never done it right. Are you doing this with like the thing that you fill out in your room and put on the handle by a certain time? Or are you going down? You know, I wish I was strong enough or financially secure enough to feel like that was ever a good idea for me. But I'm going downstairs, walking down. Let's be real, 9.15 a.m.,

and I'm just fucking up that breakfast buffet. That's what I'm doing. I love it. That's one of my favorite things to do. Do you know it's like a simple pleasure, but it's never good. It is always bad, but it is always nice that it's there and i

when you get a free continental breakfast at a at a hotel like and it's like weird weird off-brand yogurt raisin brand like oh yeah a box of juice like a bag of juice they're giving you juice in bags and they're like it's breakfast it's the best shit ever hampton hampton in vibes i love a hampton yeah but you're kind of like it's nice to have it oh it's great it's better than nothing they always have coffee they always have some like gross ass burnt coffee but it's always there and you can have as much as want. I don't think I've stayed in the kind of hotel you guys are describing. You've never. No, this is like a shitty hotel.

I think we transitioned to shitty hotels now. I don't think I've stayed somewhere this bad. Caleb's trying to act so, so, so superior. I'm sorry to say. As soon as Brian said Hampton, I was like, I have never. You ever stayed at a La Quinta? I've never. Wait, being at one of those also, have you ever gone to one of those hotels with a shitty, shitty breakfast, but they have a waffle maker?

And there's like, you make them yourself. And it's so gross. Have you ever cleaned it? Yeah. Yeah, the batter's to the side, and it is molding. It's been there for months. Oh, boy. The eggs are not eggs.

The eggs are not eggs. They're like runny egg mixture. They're either runny or they are truly like a foam mattress. Straight up rubber, yeah. Yeah, they're like thick uh collagulated like their their sausage always works for me though no matter how bad sausage is it's good these are the facts i agree i almost like the worst sausage like yeah sometimes if sausage is too nice as like casing and stuff but i'm just like can you just give me something that like, you know, is essentially dog food.

Like I think it's better. It's just salty and like a chunk. Wait, guys, I have a question for you guys. Okay. It's about sausage. Um,

okay. I've been watching a lot of cooking shows lately, whenever that's about. And I don't eat meat, Brian, you might not know that, but Caleb, you do.

And so many cooking shows will be like your ingredient is sausage and then instead of doing sauce like they take the sausage out of the casing like that's a normal thing that people do with sausage but to me that makes it no longer sausage thoughts interesting well I, I think it's fascinating. I know there's such thing as like ground sausage. But isn't that the – so isn't ground sausage just the stuff that goes inside of casing and then it's not sausage?

It's like meat mix? I think I have the perfect answer to this. I think what you're thinking of is a sausage link, and that is the thing that is in the casing. But I think sausage is a kind of meat on its own. Because there's like sausage patties, and there's like ground sausage that you put in like stuffing. I could be wrong about this.

I guess sausage patties does ruin my theory that sausage has to be in a casing. Brian, what is next on your records? I have the NSYNC discography. You can see the rise and decline of America's sweethearts in that discography. On the first record, they are biting a lot of trends of their predecessors and just doing a great job. They're ripping off Boyz II Men and, at the time, Backstreet Boys and New Edition.

They're ripping off all of these other bands, but you know, they're kind of, you know, they're showing that they're good. They got some chops and then, you know, they made it, they made it, they made names for themselves on that one. The second one, they really are starting, starting to take some risks and, you know, they, they do a lot of the writing on the record and a lot of the production and they're like, and they crush it and they do an amazing, uh, a live at madison square garden

special that they shot for hbo that is uh just incredible and then on the third record it kind of gets like really chaotic and everyone kind of gets like a little too like into their own shit and like everyone is like jc who is amazing and starts writing some like crazy like beach boys crazy harmony drum and bass shit. Like, and it's like, and you can see Justin's like trying to be a little more edgy and cool. And then it's like,

oh, this is done. You can, you can tell just by listening to it. It's like, oh, this is, this is over.

I like that. It's the, they, they flew too close to the sun and now it's going to implode. And Justin, Justin was just obviously just going to be a star. But I just think there's such, all three albums mean so much to me.

And I think that's the best of that era. And these are just things that I got a lot of joy out of. I think the aliens would want to... I think they'd really enjoy the song Digital Get Down on No Strings Attached. Yes, exactly. Which is one of the first heavy uses of

autotune after Cher's Believe. I want to know, Brian, of the members of NSYNC, you have to pick three to fuck, marry, kill. Who do you do for what?

I have to... Anyone that you don't pick also dies. So it's fuck, marry, kill, who do you do for what? I have to... Oh, okay. Anyone that you don't pick also dies. So it's fuck, marry, kill the rest. Yeah, so true. What shall we say? So, I think I fuck Lance because Lance is gay and

I feel like he would be the most down and I'm not trying to make anybody do something they don't want to do. Okay, that's really sweet. That's really sweet. Go up. I think I marry Joey? Yes, that's correct. I think I marry Joey.

Yeah, go ahead. Because Joey is just wholesome and he owns a hot dog restaurant called Fat Ones. He's an entrepreneur. And he doesn't take it too seriously. He's like, you know, he doesn't bank his whole – yeah, I think he seems like a really good dude. He's fun with it, you know? Absolutely. And then I don't want to kill any of them, but if I had to choose,

I would maybe kill Chris Kirkpatrick. Yeah, I mean, who is he ultimately? You know what I mean? But I don't want to kill him. That feels awful to say. It's just the game. Well, he's dead. It's just the game.

It's just the game. Our men are already at his house. There's nothing you can do about it. I've literally hung out with Chris before, and it is so funny to say that I would kill him in this scenario because I just don't mean it. He's not going to want to hang out with you next time. First of all, he probably listens to the pod,

and he's going to get really upset. He's a big record head. He's a big old freak. We're mutual. He follows me. He follows me on Instagram. I follow him. Fuck.

This is gonna fuck. We should delete this, but we can't. I wish we could delete this from the record, but speaking of deleting something from the record. You guys see that? Yeah, a lot. Wow.

Brian, if you had to delete something from the records, and before you get started it doesn't have to be any of the big stuff what would you delete i would delete uh unrequited love fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck that's so true that's so because you know what? No one enjoys that. The person who is receiving the love and the person that is feeling the love, it's like that's not... No one's having a good time there.

And I wish that you could delete that from the human experience because that would just be really cool. Don't you think it's kind of beautiful though? I was going to say, are you worried about what it would do to art? That would just be really cool. Don't you think it's kind of beautiful though? I was going to say, are you worried about what it would do to art? Oh, God.

Okay, that's true. I didn't think about that. Oh, God. I didn't think about how much tragedy has fueled so many artistic achievements in our time. But you know what? I just wish, you know, if you were falling in love with somebody, you could only do it if they were also falling in love with you and you could just do it at the same time. Like, that would be tight. I was so deep into an unrequited love once,

and it's happened to me plenty of times, but I was so deep into one once that I actually convinced myself it's the most beautiful kind of love. Those are some gymnastics right there. Look me in the eyes. Is this what I think it is? Sure, babe.

And I was telling people this. I was telling people, I was telling like close friends would be like, how is that going? And I'd be like, I think it's really beautiful. Oh my God.

Dude. And it's not. It's really bad. I've gotten, I've gotten that before where I'd be like, you know what? I actually feel pretty comfortable in it.

Like that's just, you know, if that's just how it is, like, you know what, I actually feel pretty comfortable in it. Like, that's just, you know, if that's just how it is, like, you know, I'm kind of just riding it out and just letting myself live in that reality. Like, and that's okay. And like, it was never okay for like three seconds.

Caleb would be like, loving someone despite knowing that they will never love you back is actually like shows how much they mean to you. I should have been institutionalized. If they don't, if you, if he would be like,

if, if I didn't love them just because they didn't love me back, that would mean that I didn't like my love was conditional. You know, like you would like be like, love my love. It's unconditional. It is not barred by any other feelings from anyone else.

They're my own feelings. God. I'm not laughing because I'm just too in it. I'm just like, yeah, dude, I've been there. It's not great. It's so funny, though. It's so funny to be so down terrible that you're making up new rules about life.

This is how a lot of these things start. This is how a lot of these things, you know, it's just a plain long game. It's like, no, you're not. You're wasting your 20s, actually. Yeah. Yeah, and it's always your 20s, isn't it? I have a thing where it's like,

I've loved people, but I've never been in love, if that makes any sense. Oh. It's like one of those. Oh, Brian. And that is a, that's a, it's a tough one,

but I'm trying to take steps in my life to make sure that doesn't happen again. Yeah. To make sure that you don't continue not being in love. He said,

ha ha ha. I was just trying to let everybody know that I'm fine. To make sure that doesn't happen again. You know, you say some real shit and then you just laugh at sure that doesn't happen again. You don't do that. You say some real shit and then you just laugh at something that's not funny just so people don't think you're like.

Oh, I absolutely do. You just laughed like an oil bearing. Ha, ha, ha. Brian, that was really beautiful what you said. And I think I get sometimes scared that like I'm like, oh, I want to like because I don't think openness is for me. I get sometimes scared that like, I'm like, oh, I want to, I want to like, cause I don't think opens, I don't think like openness is for me. So then I think about monogamy and I'm like, man,

people get annoying to me pretty quick. I don't know if I'm capable of like, you know what I'm like, I'm like, I want kids, but I'm like, am I going to hang out with someone every fucking day? What is that? I think, I think the internet kind of poisons our brains a bit with that. But like, I think that it just, it just seems so hard to me at this point. I just,

I'm realizing how much space I think I need, like in order to, I don't even know what I'm saying right now, but space is huge. And I know, but the thing you were saying is like, how am I going to hang out with this person every single day? It's like,

I think I kind of need like a day to myself every now and then. Like, I think I just, in order to, you a good partner in a relationship. Brian, have you ever watched the Francis Malmon episode of Chef's Table? I've never watched Chef's Table. I promise you this seems irrelevant, but we need to watch it together. Oh my God.

Because it's so relevant to what you're saying right now. There's this chef named Francis Malmon who is cool in general, but he has really interesting insight on love and relationships. He's kind of a deadbeat dad. Oh, no. But he really takes space for himself in a way that's pretty cool. Wow. Okay. Well, yeah, we'll watch that.

I'm off the next six weeks. We'll find a time. We'll find a time. My people, your people, et cetera, et cetera. Can you guys schedule it now on the podcast? Yeah, let me get into Google. Go set it up. Brian. Yeah, Anya.

Can you schedule their play date? Anya, please help. We love you. Can you schedule their play date? No, our play date. That's so funny. Anya can you schedule their play date Anya please help we love you we need you can you schedule their play date no our play date that's so funny

Anya's our mom Brian do you Brian what are the the rest of the things that we missed on your record I think we gotta get out of here I just I put

I that was pretty much it I think I also put like doing a really good job as a plus one at an event where you don't know that many people

like that's awesome you just like crush it and you're just like wow like i'm i and like you get to like pull out your best stories for these people you're never gonna fucking see again your entire life and it's like yeah it's like yeah you start you start talking to people and like more people come around and you're like yeah you start holding court at some like a stranger's wedding sounds pretty fun they're trying to do like wedding speeches and people are like I want to hear this guy talk

no that's huge Brian you've been an incredible guest on a perfect episode that had no problems not one do you want to tell people where they can find you yeah you can you can find me online at, my Instagram is Brian Robert Jones, and that's probably the best place to contact me.

I have Twitter, it's Brian Robert Joan, because I ran out of characters. So, but that's, yeah, that's it. Thank you. And you can find him every second Friday at the Elysian Theater for Big Wig, which is an incredible show that he hosts with Caleb that I will advertise so they don't have to do it themselves. So true.

Thank you. And Brian brings many, many, many talents to the show, and I show up, and those things are equal. Brian played a song, not the last show, but the first show, that I sing to myself almost constantly and of course that's going to go ahead and be shit on my ass shit on my ass by Brian Robert

Joan of course the song I'm talking about is of course shit on my ass by Brian Robert Jones poop on my butt yeah I'm now the shit on my ass guy I got Jones. Also known as poop on my butt. Poop on my butt. Yeah. I'm now the shit on my ass guy.

I got recognized at a friend's birthday thing as, dude, I love shit on my ass. I was like, oh, God. Cool, man. Oh, God. I was like, dude, my family and I listened to that like all Christmas break. And I was like, oh, my God. I was part of people's holidays with that song. My family listened to it on Christmas break.

Isn't that fun? Everybody. My family listened to it on Christmas break. Isn't that fun? Everybody... My family listened to it on Christmas break. Horrible, horrible. Everybody, please go follow Brian and listen to his song and share this episode with your friends. Love you guys. Thank you for having me.

This was Puss in the Boob, and now going out with Shit on My Ass by Brian Robert Jones. Bye. And then I imagine Casey will put in a little bit of shit. Yeah, of course. And we're done. How did I get to love the shit on my ass?

Shit on my ass. Whoa. How did I get to love the shit on my ass? That was a Hiddem Original.