Keeping Records - Aliens Aren't Just Boys (with Sabrina Jalees)

Episode Date: December 25, 2020

Sabrina Jalees joins Caleb and Shelby and to build her Golden Record. The theme? Use it to create a Sabrina Jalees space colony/megachurch.  Sabrina's Artifacts One of her frozen embryos (biological sample)  Tushy bidet (tool) Her dad's curried shrimp crepes recipe (document) Her son's DNA (biological sample)  A flip book of all her headshots (image) Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of Earth and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa. Hola y saludos a todos.

Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship, we know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!

Here we are for another episode of Keeping Records. How are you? Oh, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Here we are for another episode. Of Keeping Records. How are you? Oh, good. Trying to build stuff for my bathroom. Having a bad time. And you're going to make me help with it later, probably. Well, there's something that's too heavy for these women arms to carry.

Well, I have really bad news about my arms. You constantly flex to ask me to touch your muscles. To be fair, I do that to everybody. Right. I'm really strong, actually. You're right. I am very strong. Exactly.

Exactly. Do you want to talk about who we have on the pod today? I am desperate to almost. Okay. You guys, you know her from Search Party. You know her from Baroness Von Sketch Show. You know her from Carol party you know her from baroness von sketch show you know her from carol's second act jfl comedy central stand up even just around touring all over the world please help us welcome sabrina joseph oh to ride in off of that wave of eclectic credits spanning all of North America.

I mean, I'm so happy to be here. Keeping records with you guys. What are you trying to build in your bathroom? Oh, man. Well, a medicine cabinet and then also something to hold my towels. You got a lot of medicine? It's more like my sister signed me up for FabFitFun. Are they a sponsor yet? Because they should be. me up for FabFitFun. Are they a sponsor yet?

Because they should be. No, but FabFitFun. FabFitFun, sponsor pause. At least let me put you on an Instagram or something. But they send a lot of like small serums. And so I have all this like little shit and I got to put it somewhere in a medicine cabinet feels like a good option. That's like the hidden truth before they become a sponsor about FabFitFun is like, sure, it's, it's fab, it's fit, it's fun. And then it's a hundred million serums that you've got to like buy furniture for. Yeah, I have to

sort of suss. Yeah. I bought a medicine cabinet to house my FabFitFun's and I like the stuff. Yeah. Good. Well, we're open to spot. Yeah. We we got in this world we gotta be always vague about i like the stuff um i do feel like every time i say fabfitfun i have to say it as fast as possible because i don't like saying it so i'm like um i got in my phone i got in my phone but can i ask you guys a question yeah go off sabrina shelby are you guys worried about the fact that i don't have a skincare routine no and i'll tell you why i have been dragging my face around airports and public carpets like i have you know you obviously like a very current a very current feeling which is something i'm always tapped into is that with the pandemic like how much gross shit we were touching and being like,

that's how you get tough. And it's like, no, that's how we all had to shut everything down. Yeah, actually, that's not how you get tough. That's how you get very sick. Very sick. But I think I've built, I mean, now I'm going back to, but I think I've built like a good tough skin because I've been, I haven't been pampering it. My mom's always been like, we don't wash our fruit. We don't wash our vegetables and we barely wash our hands. And that's why we don't get sick. And now I'm like, well, I have to wash everything now or I will die. I wish I could flashback to the actual moment where she gave you that limerick. It was like the birds and the bees talk. And then it was like, and another thing,

we don't wash our fruit. We don't wash our toes toes we don't lick our noses and we certainly don't hear from our pussy and that that's what makes us a wall steve okay now howl with me her mom's her mom's a old timey banker one specific thing that i can't stop thinking about since our sound check where you revealed it was that you did get key id to shoot the napped i don't know why that's an easier way of revealing it but i can't stop thinking about it and i just want to know if we're going to talk mention it on the podcast or just literally crop this part out and we start talking about let me say yeah rob thank you sabrina for bringing this up i want to say one thing this podcast is about you and if shelby tells the story of how she got kidnapped in africa it has to be quick now write in right now as you're listening to this podcast please write

and tweet and tell us we want to hear the story we i mean there's nothing that can be said after you casually say kidnapped in africa i mean i know there's some parts that are just for your biopic but like what are you leaking now god thank you for believing that i'll have a biopic that's awesome um yeah i don't know it's a it's a long boy but we will say listen i'm going to use this as um this is like a ransom note sort of of i'll meet woofy and then i'll tell you the story. Oh, okay, cool. So this is your lure that we have to leave for the listeners. And maybe like a ransom note for the listeners of the podcast, like you're not getting it now, okay?

You're not getting it. Maybe one day, but today we brought you in for a reason, and today I just don't have time because I have to ask you something. What is it? today i have like i just don't have time because i have to ask you something and it's just if if you were in charge of your own golden records what are you putting on it well thanks for asking me in such a sing-songy way first and foremost i'd be happy to introduce you to my son based on just this short time we've had on this zoom i've obviously you don't get asked on this podcast this iconic podcast and not put thought into what it is that you put in there thank you so i toiled i i honestly like just thought and thought and thought i toiled i thought i mean the list goes on i actually just thought

that's like when you like when you're getting too flowery and then you get lazy at the end of a sentence and you're like i don't know what are you backing me into the corner of i thought okay so what would i put in my record i first and foremost have to i have so shauna and i made these um with ricky our donor we made these embryos and the embryos are my egg, Ricky's sperm, frozen into three little popsicles in Vallarta. Now, we're going to use one of them. Hopefully that first one. The Puerto kind. Vallarta Puerto.

Of Puerto. Of Puerto fame. We have a Puerto kid. I've got a few Puerto popsicles. Just wanted to make sure we knew the Vallarta was the Puerto variety. Puerto popsicle, I have to say sounds like do you remember in middle school when everyone got really into like sex term like people be like did you did you do a cleveland steamer okay let's not talk about oh my god i was like sounds like one were you having sex with people in high school i had sex for the first time when i was no i was going to say like eight and it's not true.

I had sex when I was like 17. I was having sex in high school. With lots of boys. Everybody here is gay or straight and gay. Unmask yourself. Okay, she's forcing us all to come out. We were both in the closet. We're both queer.

Oh, I can unbutton my pants. And Sabrina, you're straight. You know, if you watched my Netflix special, that's 15 minutes fucking long, you'd know that I held a penis and I felt good about it. And it was a stripper's dick. And that was set in Miami.

Miami. So back to the Puerto P popsicles back to the puerto um so we have these embryos and hopefully we i mean who knows what our birth story destiny is maybe we throw them all in and it's like no bad popsicles uh that's the terrible part about life is like, you just have to be chill about any, any old outcome. Whatever happens, we'll accept it. Whatever happens. Um, but yeah, so we're hoping for some babies out of him, but I think that I hope so that I could have one extra frozen embryo left over to put inside of this, um, record.

So at first I kind of, I guess I didn't realize what embryos were in a weird way, which is crazy as a woman and someone who wants many kids. But I didn't realize I know we don't know anything. We're not like taught in the world, like anything about all that, which is so insane that like, we don't know women aren't taught like when they're ovulating, like you could totally just fuck. I mean, like, you know, I'm not I'm not not encouraging your young audience to go fuck without a cond you know i'm not i'm not not encouraging your young audience to go fuck without a condom when you're not ovulating but like well at this point we don't have an audience let alone a young one so maybe we'll have a really old one but we will

have a very young audience yeah we're hoping to market this to six-year-olds you gotta you gotta you know what i fucking love like toast with like no crust and just cheese like american cheese yeah and that's kind of what an embryo is this is the birds and the bees talk for the six-year-olds but um i guess before i was thinking that the embryo was just the egg and that it could be part human part alien but in but ultimately it's already part person, a full person. Wait, what's happening with your brain where you're immediately just everything that's not designated as not alien? You're like, so naturally every egg is part alien. No, the egg was going to be the human part

and then the alien part was going to be it's up in space. They find this. They find the records. They open it up. They get it and they go, what's this? They figure it out that they need to fuck it and then they have a baby and it's part you and part alien are we on the same page now we are kind of on different planets but i want to join you on your

planet where you're talking about aliens and just segue into another part of what i'm putting in the record absolutely okay cool so we're just taking a little slip-slidey alien into another... I really thought about this. I thought and I thought and I thought. And when I was thinking about what else to put inside this record, I was thinking,

what will aliens have that we have? I don't know that they're going to look at an iPhone and know what register, the picture is the same way or anything. What will they guaranteed have that we have drum roll guys can i get a drum roll they will have buttholes like every other thing that you've ever seen move they will have buttholes okay and what will they appreciate the tushy bidet i don't have a coupon code but i'm addicted to that product i grew up washing my bum i grew up like being being ashamed of the fact that because

my dad is pakistani you wash your bum in south asia you wash your bum after you poo i grew up with like uh and also grew up in canada milk jugs you put a bag of milk in the jug those jugs all around the south asian community used as lotas to wash your bum now hold on you didn't know that i'd take you from aliens to south asia bum washing to branded tushy really really didn't know i need to know so so so so you have a milk jug and you wash your you wash your butt with it, how? Oh, great. Back to my bullying past. No, no.

I'm into it. It sounds innovative. You need to fix the intonation of your questions, Caleb. So let me get this straight. So let me figure this out. You take it and with one hand you pour water on it and the other hand you wash. Then, you know, you got to have a mic stand if you want to keep doing the pub. Okay, so that's...

So Tushy Bidet, I think, you know, will they have the piping to make it functional? That's something I'm just thinking about now. I have a couple questions. One, do you feel like the Tushy bidet for other you know pakistani children now is gonna change like that's changed the game totally yeah because it's like it's normalized it's normalized washing your butt and and when you wash your butt after you take a shit and you start doing that in your daily practice and then you start blasting it a little bit with pressure up your butt and doing like mini hydro colon therapies that's when you're

going to start feeling like you're living that's when you're going to start moving with a little pep in your step let me ask you this sabrina yeah yeah are you worried at all so you're talking about we send the tushy bidet into space on the golden record well on your golden record the aliens use it they do a little power washing of the old bunghole. The boy aliens start to realize this feels good. Almost like a different type of way to orgasm. Are you worried that we'll turn the boy aliens gay? Am I worried or was that my plan all along? Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oom-ba-bye. Oom-ba-bye. Oom-ba-bye. Oom-ba-bye. Okay, so all aliens from this record will now, male aliens will be gay. Well, the male ones will be gay and the ladies will be sweeping. Sweeping up. Sweeping the moon and sweeping into each other's arms.

I was going to say the girl aliens will be straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight. But the problem is that all the men want each other. When the cats away, the little mice women play. Little alien mice. And let me just say, by the way, I think there are boy are boy aliens girl aliens and then a whole bunch i think they have as expansive as genders as we do yeah more even a loser for even giving boy and girl alien caleb come on shelby you're with me come on thank you shelby come on girls versus boys aliens fight okay that's the name of my new movie i mean like that i would be more likely to be playing that in high school than

being asked if i like cream de munch chicle like those sex things but that's why i was asking why if you had sex in high school because no one everyone knew enough that i was like asexual aka on the waiting list for coming out of the closet no one would be like hey sabrina did you gobble his gunt well no one would no one would be like that anyway babe because gobble his gun is i i don't think anyone was having sex when they were talking about this i think it was just maybe it was a boy thing of boys being like oh my god can you stop talking about boys i'm addicted it looks like boys and girls boys have more fun and it's locker room talk and girls locker room talk speaking of the locker room speaking of men my father he's involved in this record do you want that okay

hold on now yeah let me stop you right there we've done your frozen embryos in this space my frozen embryos yeah we've done the Tushy bidet and you're about to give us a third one

the third one is my father's curry shrimp crepe recipe and you'll need and you'll need a Tushy that was a call back to locker room

your dad's curry shrimp crepe recipe yes yes tell us about it picture my father moving moving from karachi to bustling toronto where was he getting a job? While going to Ryerson University, the school that I would later go to. Shout out Ryerson. Go Cougars. He worked at a French diner. And the diner made these crepes. And these crepes are incredible. It's a crepe.

It's a traditional crepe. But what you put inside is a curry with a shrimp in it. And it's gingery and garlicky and turmeric. It's just like delicious, delicious filling. It's such a, you don't think about it for a crepe. And that's why that's my sort of like bedazzler. That's my big, I'm a dazzle you. Did your dad come home and make them for you guys as well?

Or did you have to go to the French cafe? No, he adopted the recipe, made it his, made it our family's. And then sometimes like some lucky mornings growing up, I would wake up and smell curry and we would have it for like a breakfast. And we would like house them. Like I remember in our heyday,

we'd be like, I had six. And it was, uh, binge, binging on crepes. I wanted to circle back to something that's on my mind. Okay, yeah, go on. Is that okay?

Do I have permission? Is it boys? Because we don't have time for that again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, boys, what are they about? No. I mean, ultimately, what are they about? But in all seriousness.

He sincerely wants us to be like, no, yeah. No, what's going on with you? No, we circled off of the embryos earlier because we got caught up in alien stuff, naturally. But I'm wondering, Sabrina, when you envision sending your embryos to outer space, do you envision a child from your embryo being born in space? And do they have a role in space? Are they a leader? Honestly, you bringing this up is like tragic. And I'm like immediately questioning whether I should have done that or not.

Like what a terrible, terrible thing. No, you don't know who's gonna open it. That's what I forgot about. I was giving tushies away. I don't know who's opening this. Hopefully they're a really good parent but i will tell you one thing i will tell you one thing if they're evil if they are bad if there is one little girl boy or other that can save the entire universe and galaxy it is

the combination of our donor sperm and my egg, honey. So ladies and gentlemen, get ready to be saved by Jalise. Oh my God, you just started a church, a mega church. Congrats on the new mega church. You know, the girl that started the church based on the idea that she's sending her embryo to space and that that's going to be the future leader of our world. It's so amazing. She gives these little loot bags away with little creams and stuff. They're called pepper fun. She calls it something cool, like pepper fun. Yeah, no, that's definitely something to think about is, do I really want to put that M in there?

I can like last minute switch it up and throw a little egg in there or whatever. Right. Just a little traditional chicken egg. You're in charge. You're not closing the hatch on this. The hatch on your entries aren't done until the end of this recording. So if you want to switch it up, absolutely throw in a chicken egg,

but you're going to have to explain it. You don't have to tell us the rationale. I just don't know. know you've you've really like honestly put me in this place where i'm like who am i sending this to a friend or a foe you know that's the thing about outer space is we don't know if they're friends or foes we're hoping that with this intel they'll become friends but at the moment i do consider them foes well so far we only can know for certain that all of the boys are going to be gay. Well, that's already a plus.

Everyone's best quality is how gay they are. And that all of the little mouse women are going to be fucking each other. So that's what we do know. And based on that, I think they deserve one of my M's. I got to tell you, if I'm an evil alien and I'm roaming around outer space doing ill and I get a Sabrina embryo fertilized. Yeah. It's going to turn me around. It's going to be that act of service that brings me to the light. And if they have Instagram, they have seen Wolfie.

And if they've seen Wolfie, they know kind of the responsibility that they bear holding this embryo. It's big. So now let me tell you one other thing I'm going to put in that package. Oh, my God. My son. No, I'm not not gonna put my son vacation bitch we see would they do they do like one of those satellite images from outer space and it's just a little helmet and he's like like right after the rocket takes off i'm like i regret

it but he's like looking out the window. Waving. Oh, gosh. No, no. He breathes on the window and writes, what did I do on it? So brilliant. Such a brilliant. Yeah, he's really smart. Okay.

So because he's really smart, I'm going to put his DNA makeup in the form of like one of the mosquitoes from Jurassic Park that got like frozen in the um amber just as a cute like I did the embryo I'm not doing that again it's going to be a little cuter more preserved and aliens are smart enough they'll find it they'll decode it the DNA and they'll be able to understand that it's wolfy that it's wolfy and recreate him maybe and you know what's crazy I don't have as much. Is it weird that my frozen embryo, I'm like, oh, little girl, what you going to do up there, you little popsicle? But with that mosquito, Amber, I'm like, honey, take it and a million more.

You want to bite my little son and go on up there and make a little army of whatever. Just shoot him up there. Not whatever. Your son, whatever. Nah, it's there. Not whatever, your son, whatever. Nah, it's cool. We're done with it. Little skeeters. I don't know them yet. They're just similar.

That's just something I want to bring up in terms of scale, size. I mean, what is out there in terms of the size of the universe is something we need to circle back to. It's certainly. Thank you for saying that but ultimately if we really really get into that i will shut down and you will be on here alone with caleb and instead of sabrina being on here alone with me why don't we go to break you bitch well we're back we're back sorry that was sip of water. I hope you guys got one too. Sabrina and I got in a huge fight. Oh my God, Sabrina's doing ASMR.

Okay, so we've heard almost all, Sabrina, of what you would put on the record. I think we're missing one. We have one more. A particularly important one, in my opinion. The most important. Yes. You know, it's so, it's actually, it's so hilarious of the universe that they brought us here this way, because it all kind of ties together with this last item, which is for

all those little queer mice and queer little boys up there that are going to be, you know, upon opening my package. Gay. those little queer mice and queer little boys up there that are going to be, you know, upon opening my package, gay, a setting up an army full of my people, B they're all gay and they don't know how to deal with it. They're like newly like, what the fuck?

This is incredible. But like, which version of myself do I even be? So what I'm including is a flip book of every single headshot I've ever taken. Mic drop. I'm throwing it in for free. Okay, I'm throwing it in free of cost. This is a million dollar item.

I'm putting it in there just as a, why not? And every single headshot will represent a different version of yourself that you can express. Okay. You can wear dangly earrings and be butch. You can have a butterfly clip in your hair and clearly it's not comfortable. You can wear a tankini. You can do a comedy special, honey.

A comedy now special in the year 1933. Wearing a bustier simply. And a lot, a lot of fake eyelashes. Sabrina's 312 years old. She said, you can do a stand-up special in 1933. I'm sure they can. We can't. It happened already.

You know what I did there? I exaggerated Tom for comedic effect. Did I go too far and set it in a completely unbelievable place and completely take you out of the rant? Yes. But, Shelby, when you start comedy in 1862, you're constantly grappling with what style of commedia dell'arte you want to be. Am I Iago? Am I Juliet? I want to know, are the headshots going to be in any particular order?

Do you start with hottest? Do you start with earliest? You go sequentially because that's probably the way they're going to be going. You know, like they're just realizing they're gay. They're probably going to be like taking off their dangly earrings for the first time, but still wearing a lot of makeup for the mice. Yes. Little mice curls.

Yes, exactly. It's crazy how much of your DNA or likeness is going to be in space. In space, yeah. Oh my gosh. I mean, if anyone's sending up a record and not trying to set it up as a place of one's own. Yeah, I guess if we're going to start a world out there, you really have a leg up. You're a celebrity before we get there. All I can think about now is legs, Shelby!

The big takeaway is Sabrina's using this record to build a colony in space, and that's brilliant. Yeah, she's using the record to build a colony and also to build a career. She's going to be a celebrity. She could tour space. Oh my god, imagine arriving up there, all of the mice lose their shit. They're just, come on, you're Beyonce. All of the boy aliens are like, I mean, maybe not so tushy. And they all start walking towards me, wanting to fuck me. And I say, mice, aliens, Sabrina people, stop.

And watch me dance. And watch me shuffle. And watch me whoop. And watch me whip. And watch me nay and watch me nay nay yes i do a copyright free version of that you say watch me whoop i want another planet i don't want to get sued by the nay nay people they're the beatles almost going to put a song on the records, the original records. Yeah. And they didn't because of copyright fears.

They were like, we don't know about that. What do you mean copyright fears? They were worried that the... The aliens would steal their music. Oh. That the record labels wouldn't allow it because of copyrights. Weird way to be stingy in the last minute. Yeah.

You could have sent your music to space, but you really wanted it all for yourself. I think, wasn't it across the universe too, which is kind of a perfect song for a record that's just floating in space? Maybe they were worried that like, if a Russian space station found it, they would bring it back and be like, now it's ours because we discovered it. That I get. But then don't we all know it already? But here's my thing is they wouldn't let it go to space where nobody is. They wouldn't let it go to space where nobody is. But they let them do that movie where that guy discovers the Beatles and then makes them themselves. You know, the movie that came out like two years ago where the guy was like-

Across the universe? No, no, no, no, no. that's beatles endorsed this one was a guy who was the only guy who remembered the beatles and so he just recreated all their songs mike in the booth says it's called yesterday yeah it's called yesterday he's the only one that remembers the beatles and so then he's like wait but they're a hit everyone loves the beatles so then he starts making the beatles songs i haven't seen the movie by the way this is just based off the trailer so there's no spoilies here and he becomes becomes the Beatles and he becomes a huge celebrity phenomenon because nobody knew the Beatles and now he's the Beatles.

I have a question. If you could give it all away, every single piece of your talented brain away to be replaced with the brain of this man from this movie, you're still yourself. You still have your friends. But whatever your career is like gonna happen it's not it's what you now get to do is write all the beatle songs i'm not promising that people are gonna believe they're good when you're the one writing them but you have all of them like little recipes that come out from your brain and you get to be that do you give it all away to be that? Not a chance. I don't know, maybe. Shelby?

It feels like a sure bet. It does. It does. To me. It doesn't to me. And I'll tell you why. Because you don't like their music. I don't like the Beatles.

I could care less. I feel like the fact that they were even considered for the record as an insult to humanity. But I think the big thing about the Beatles and why they were so successful, and I can say this as someone who wasn't even close to alive during it, is that they were like... Everything else was so bad at the time. Things were bad and they were hot and young and a group of like young, hot guys. Caleb just said I'm not hot and young. Everyone heard it? You're not a group of like... And they weren't.

They're not hot. They're like 60s hot or whatever. Caleb just went on record and said that I'm not young and hot we all heard it show but you could never pull it off sabrina do you know what i'm saying thank you sabrina sabrina's upset for me i don't like it that you guys are fighting and saying go on record go on record we're talking about my record here and i don't want that energy with my embryos and my tushy and my dad's curry shrimp recipe and the flipbook of my headshots. I don't need that kind of energy on my record.

That's true. We are kind of souring the family name. What I love about Sabrina, the things you propose to us is that it tells a really clear story of existing. You're born from DNA and embryos. You eat good food, you poop, you come out of the closet. And once you're gay, you do the only thing you can do. You go into show business. That's the story of your record. And it's iconic.

Story of the record, story of your life. Oh, my God. I didn't. I like knew I was coming on this podcast, but I didn't know I'd be like red like that at the end. Just like completely torn apart. Like, like you guys are hyenas and just like got to the truth of me. Yeah. We don't tell people this, but we are actually psychics. And so this is a way for us to get a full reading. Ideally, we'd like to get a palm in there, but we, it's too hard with COVID. Yeah. Put your palm on the thing and then we'll.

Wait, Shelby, what happened to your palm? Oh, I was crucifixed. So, sorry, let me catch the listeners up. We were doing a palm reading bit into the cameras of our computers and Sabrina noticed. Sabrina. There was some sort of problem on your palm. Shelby's hand looks horrible. There's just a little bit wrong with the bottom of your palm.

Wait, and I want to say this as someone who has one permanently weird looking thumb. I have one toe thumb like Megan Fox's thumbs. And I have one of them. So I know what it's like to put your hand close to something and have the other person say like excuse me fellow but don't explain pardon me dear lady I can't help but notice yeah no people thought I was Jesus Christ and I I was crucifixed tell them the truth now now. Oh, I fell. Okay, okay. I'm so happy about your fall, honestly. I honestly was running around alone outside by myself, which is embarrassing.

And I tripped over my own feet because I was wearing slippers that were two sizes too big. And I fell down a hill. Okay, hold on. I need a little more information about what happened before he started running What got you in the mood? What spurred the decision? Why don't you start the story a little earlier? Oh, you know when you're just having a good time, being good and stuff

Being a little rascal Yeah, sometimes you just feel all riled up, you gotta go outside, you gotta run around And then you fall. I don't believe this for a second. What I think in my heart is that something crazy was happening that Shelby's not going to tell us about. Well, I totally relate to what she's going through right now because there's clearly she's there's a story. Right. But like, you don't want to share every little piece of your life on podcasts. What about when you're put on alien trial? Every, every story of, oh, I drank alcohol. Every single little musing from your past. Sabrina thinks that people go on trial in space for drinking alcohol.

Let's put that on the record. I grew up around Islam and I'm not afraid to admit it i'll tell you my scars i'll tell you my stories neither of my parents drink i had to hide pepperoni in the cold storage mortadella that was my secret thing that i snacked on okay That's such a sexy way to eat pepperoni, though. We have like two liter bottles of off-brand Pepsi and mortadella in our cold storage. You're having kind of a sexy pepperoni snack. Caleb gets the plastic bags of pepperoni, sticks his hand in out of the fridge and snacks on them like that. Nom, nom, nom. Just like that, baby.

And that's not something I knew. I didn't know how to do that. Okay, and I still don't. Well, I think it's for the best. Thank you. You're welcome. I informed you. Hey, I'm your child. I want to talk to you, Shelby, if it's okay. I want to talk about- We'll see what you have to say and then I'll decide.

You're right. That's 100% fair. The original records, the original golden records that actually went into space how much do you know about them sabrina what did they have in there one of the things that they had on there is so so the deposition from my first divorce not funny funny, guys. Not funny to spring that on me. My ex-wife was furious. That audio is just called chimpanzee. One of the sounds included on the original records

is the sound of a chimpanzee laughing. Or screaming out in pain. Or perhaps engaging in a sex act of sorts. Or engaging in laughter during a painful act of sex. Who's to say? It begs the question, what were the architects of the original Golden Records thinking, in including the noise from the chimpanzee? Why? Chimpanzee and why? Screaming.

Perhaps they were thinking of Oliver. Oliver was a famous performing ape in the United States who was born in 1957 and lived until 2012. He was quite popular in the 70s because he looked somewhat human-like and tended to walk upright. Or perhaps the chimpanzee war of the 1970s, where the alpha chimpanzee passed away and the rest of the chimpanzees had trouble finding a leader. It's as complicated as it sounds, because all war is. Jane Goodall witnessed a chimpanzee murder. Perhaps they wanted the aliens to know about that. Perhaps they wanted to let the aliens know what people are capable of and what chimpanzees are capable of.

Chimpanzees are also some of the only animals who seem to understand our speech. They talk to us through sign language. Perhaps they were inspired by chimpanzee born in captivity in New York City, Nim Chimpsky. Of course, a play on the name Gnome Chomsky, who learned sign language to communicate with his captors, otherwise known as the family he lived with, and some would say, loved. The person learning sign language in that last story is, of course, Nim Chimpsky, the chimp, and not Noam Chomsky, the thinker and philosopher. To our knowledge,

Noam Chomsky is not on the records. It's impossible not to imagine being an alien or an extraterrestrial being and opening up this particular audio file, the way it crescendos from cute to abject horror. Without context, this clip sounds like something you might only dream of on your worst night. The chimpanzee audio file from the original Golden Record sounds a little bit like. So they sent the laughter of a chimpanzee. Yeah, in a vacuum.

Can you imagine hearing that alone in the dark, not knowing what it is? That's so scary to me. And they're just playing it on a loop on Bluetooth. Well, it's also interesting to me, Sabrina, that you assumed it was laughter. Because I kind of thought it was shrieks of pain. And you read it as laughter. Wow. Human emotion.

A sliding scale. Sabrina, if you heard that chimpanzee audio in space as as an alien what do you think your reaction would be um can you play it one more time yeah i would say i would say diane diane from my first marriage where are you now why did you follow me here this is my planet planet. These are my mice. It's truly such a, it's also such a specifically deranged chimpanzee sound. Like sometimes surely they just go like, you know what I mean? Like surely they're not always absolutely losing their shit. But what does NASA know about chimp language that they're not telling us?

Right. Maybe that communicated something super complex that we just can't understand yeah it was like hey just so you know we're kind of struggling down there can you send help but it's it sounds like that what year did we send it 77 what was going on then uh 1977 that was the middle of the cold war with russia okay they said i'm kidding i don't know if that's true oh my gosh that was so impressive i literally don't think that's true also i think that was like the 50s okay well whatever was going on it was just some it was one of the guys being like listen i'm having a really hard time at

home but he stole the chimpanzee and the chimpanzee translated it you know what it was is jimmy carter was president so he he negotiated peace jimmy carter negotiated peace between Jimmy Carter negotiated peace between, was it Anwar Sadat and who else? Jimmy Carter had a big... Now he's flexing knowledge on us. He was like, oh, before I said something stupid, and now I'm going to say actual history. Because before I panicked, but now I'm like, I think we actually do know something about the 70s, right? I don't, is the thing. Jimmy Carter gave his Moral Malaise speech to the country. It has come to be known as perhaps the most politically toned deaf speech in modern American history.

Take a look. It is a crisis of confidence. It is a crisis that strikes at the very heart and soul and spirit of our national world. We can see this crisis in the growing doubt about the meaning of our own lives and in the loss of a unity of purpose for our nation.

That's what we'll say. That's the big thing. Marmalade speech? Yeah. His big speech on marmalade. So the chimpanzee's actually out here giving the recipe to a good marmalade. We as a country need to more marmalade.

It's just a recipe to those little diner jellies. Do you know what I mean? But the marmalade one. Corn starch. Sugars pectin. Sugars.arch sugars pectin sugars sugars pectin lipids speaking of lipids what else is in this record uh well actually that's what i wanted to talk to you about what's one thing in human existence that's just like so bad, embarrassing that we should just like scrub it from the records? In your opinion. You mean on an MTV show it would be flip it or diss it?

Yeah, and I think we're looking for what you would diss. I don't really get things unless you break them down into like panel show MTV style because I come from a Petiti background. So we should clarify. Kidnapping, poverty, war. War, famine. All those things we just assumed. Archito in chief. Archito in chief. Archito in chief.

Donald Trump. We assume those things are all deleted. We're looking for. We're looking for a boutique thing that I think should not go in there. A boutique. Like if we're in the Sabrina Jalise boutique. What are we taking out of inventory? Okay, I've got it.

Okay. You know Sugar Ray? You know the song, put your arms around me, baby. That song? Put your arms around me, baby. i'd wipe it wipe it right away take it off the planet you guys didn't deserve it take that song away yeah okay do you have any memories associated with it or you just don't like the song i do have a memory associated with it i had a crush on a boy named ravi and i sincerely remember like on the swing like swinging

and going put your arms around me ravi i want here's the thing is i want i if we get rid of the song i want that still around well that's because let me finish because let me finish i want the ravi version to be a stadium bop okay so you're wiping the song you're gonna yesterday you're yesterdaying the song i'm yesterday i'm yesterdaying sugar ray and i'm taking that sweet bop with me and yeah i'm making it about a crush that I really sang myself into believing. And to me, that's gorgeous. I sing myself into every crush. Sabrina, we have one last segment for you.

This. Or that. It's a speed round where we ask you questions really quick. There's 60 seconds on the clock. I'll tell you when we start and you have to answer them. You know I'm good at that, so I'll be good for this. You're going to kill this, just like you have the rest of the pods. As quick as you can, just answer these this or that questions.

Time starts now. Go. A romantic comedy or comedic drama? Sliding doors. Flaming hot Cheetos or Takis? Flaming hot Cheetos. Beer or wine? Wine.

Ford or Chevy? Chevy. Making out for two hours or having sex for 10 minutes? Sex for 10 minutes. Getting your painting into a museum or having your song go number one? You know when that song hits number one, it's just me and tens of thousands of aliens in a stadium. And I'm like, arms around Raffi. And there's a giant blow up Raffi and the whole crowd just hugs it.

Foot stuff or butt stuff? Foot in the butt stuff. Love it. Bad movie in a theater or great movie at home? I would go to theater because, oh my God, nostalgia. Okay, last one. Laura Dern or Lorna Dune? What's Lorna Dune?

And that's our time on this or that. Is Lorna Dune chocolate? Lorna Dune's like a cookie. Lorna Dune's are those shortbread cookies. Cookies. At Jewish summer camp, we got to have those for snack some nights, and I got to tell ya, those nights were sweet.

Served by Laura Dern herself. Yeah, she used to stop by the camp. She would go to each camp. Sabrina, thank you so much for being on. Before we go, we just wanted to ask you, where can people find you? What do you want to

plug? Give us the tea. Okay. Sit sit around i'm boiling the water i'm pouring it into each glass the tea is you only find out here folks this is it my instagram handle is at sabrina jalees and i'm about to leak some big news everybody come flock to my instagram and follow me there. Twitter, I will retweet something and say what I mean sometimes too. Everybody's always after these podcasts saying, how do I find you? Where do I... You guys heard it here first. Sabrina's

about to leak some big nudes on Instagram. And also might retweet them on Twitter. You know, you're gonna to find me out there. You'll find me, kid. You just stick with Insta. Find me out in the Instagram world. Guys, can I ask you guys a question?

Yeah. Will you call me after this whole nonsense is done, after we're done recording, testing audio, sending things to space? Are we still friends after this? God, I hope so. I really think so. Best friends. The kinds of things that you guys told me here and the way that you guys got into me was not really what happens usually on these things for me.

We got to the core of Sabrina Jalise, I think. I hope it was as good for you as it was for us. Okay, so that means it was. So that silence. And that's what it sounds like when I don't talk. I just, honey, I've been in the biz a little longer than you. That's called leaving space For an ad Maybe you've heard of it

Thank you guys, buy my book Share my life Share my story If you have a book out We will buy it babe I know, I know, that's what people keep Saying Do a Kim Kardashian photo book

Oh my god, yes we'll buy i should do the head shot photo book and then pepper in some others and make it a coloring book yeah headshot coloring if you do that we would like to be in the mentions of the dedication oh you'll be three quarters of the picture shelby okay now look i i know better than to stretch this goodbye out longer okay how but i do i do suggest and we can keep it or we can ditch it i suggest we do a little song say more keeping records a new podcast we both were on it and both is three. Both is three. Yes, both is three.

Yes, both is three. A family is a podcast. We all recorded it right now. Now it's time to go to our homes. And that for you guys means living together. That's called pipe. Now you guys means living together that's called pipe now you guys know that they live together they talk about it but that's called a call back everything i do is so fucking brilliant and i'm feeling good everything she does is so fucking brilliant

fucking brilliant fucking brilliant and that's a And that's a wrap. That's a wrap. That was a Hiddem original.