Keeping Records - All Roads Lead to Rome (with Nicole Byer)

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

Welcome to the thunderdome: this week, it's hosts vs. producers as we battle for historical accuracy in the space where it matters most, the intro to this podcast. Sound off/take sides in the comments. Then, Nicole Byer (Why Won't You Date Me?, Nailed It!, Grand Crew) fits us into her busy schedule this week (she flies to London every morning to workout with her British trainer, Ben, which eats up a lot of time actually) to discuss alien buttholes and what notes she would have given Kim K on that video (yes, that video) if she were her mom/manager/momager. Nicole's Artifacts Dunkaroos and/or Dippin Dots (Food) Vodka soda (Cocktail) Strip Clubs (Business) Mushrooms (Psychedelic) Wigs (Accessory) Follow Nicole on Twitter and Instagram and listen to her Headgum podcast, Newcomers! Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludo sato. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. EJ, Anya, Casey. Shelby, Shelby, Shelby.

Oh, man. It's crazy. Are you? For some reason, that made me feel like something really bad is going to happen the week that this releases. That that's the way we started off. Do you know what I mean? Like, war will start again somewhere. Yeah.

And we're going to be like, oh. Good thing we released that. Yeah. Yay, yay, yay. Yeah. This is the second time I've been like, we are recording a little bit ahead of time. Yeah. We'll be honest about that.

I don't want to hide that. Oh, you have a problem with us being proactive? Okay. Talk to your therapist. Yeah, seriously, because we're talking to ours. I can't stop talking to mine. I'm obsessed. I'm having a blast in there.

My favorite part of the day, my therapy appointment. Which I have every day. 2 p.m. every day. Yeah. No. We are ahead of time. So now this is the second time that we've been like, I wonder what's going to happen the week that this releases. Yeah.

We talked about that a little bit in Jamie Loftus' episode. It's hard to sort of tempt fate, you know, by begging the questions. Yeah, by being like, how's the week? It's awesome. Like, it feels so crazy to be like,

things are really awesome this week because we don't know that they will be. Yeah, things are feeling good. Yeah, we just, you can never know,

and I think this is a really good way to approach everything, is you can never know how things are going to go and a lot of times they go badly. You know what I mean? So, it's good to be prepared for the worst at all times.

I'm just kidding. I like to expect the best. Oh. No, yeah. Because that seems to pay off. Oh my gosh. Well, yeah. Thanks for going to our podcast about how to strategize um being alive

this is a billionaire mindset podcast where we teach you how to become a billionaire in under six years flat first things first you're gonna want to mine for some bitcoin and second you're gonna hope that it recovers or any of the of the other currency that we do now. Oh, yeah. Isn't it crazy that we were just like, money's computers now? Dude, I can't even start with the freaking digital money thing. Don't even get me started. You do not want to hear me talk about it.

It was always one of those things where it was like an annoying person would be like, you know, we literally made up money. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Why don't we just print more money? And you're like, okay, okay, okay. And now it's like, no, we literally made up money because now it's fake. It's online and it's fake. Or the thing when people are talking about rich people and their investments or whatever and they're like, well, money is all speculative.

I'm like, now what are you talking about? And by the way, all of you in Bitcoin are being really so stupid because I'll tell you what, you guys know this. It sucks. My dad just died. He had done a little dabbling in it and it was almost impossible to recover those funds. So if you want to leave money to people, get fucking realistic about it. It's not going to be in Bitcoin. Yeah, be real.

Because it's all in crypto. It's hard to find. And if you're not the person, it's almost impossible. So maybe stop being so selfish and get rid of Bitcoin or any of those. What are they even called? Cryptocurrency. Oh, thank you. Cryptocurrency.

And why is it even that way? We have our financial experts in the room with us. I know that we're really late to talking about crypto. But everyone's been begging. You guys have to make a statement on crypto. Like, that's like the next thing that Keeper Nerds needs to do. I understand that we're talking about crypto after the fall. Yeah.

But I'm still unhappy with it. I think it's one of the stupidest things we've ever done. And people are still talking NFTs. I'm like, what are you talking about? It's dead. I'm sick ofTs. I'm like, what are you talking about? It's dead. I'm sick of it. I'm so sick of it. I understand you built a business on it

for the week that it was popular. It didn't take you that long to build it. It won't take you that long to tear it down. Right. Rome wasn't built in a day, but NFTs were. That's why Rome lasted and NFTs did not. Yeah. Last time I checked, Rome is still there.

So. The Roman Empire is not there. No. Yeah, but they didn't say the Roman Empire is not there. I didn't say the Roman Empire. I said Rome. I said Rome. I've been to Rome. It's still there.

All roads lead there. Shelby's been to Rome. If you drive, all roads get there. Yes, that's what this... Literally, get in your car. If you're in New York right now, get in your car. Because New Yorkers famously have cars. And get in that one that you have.

Head to Rome. You're going to find yourself in Rome pretty quick. Head to Rome really soon. Jeez, you guys. Anya's so mad at me. Anya's mad that I said Rome didn't fall. Yeah, it's like, okay. It's like infamously did.

No, Rome didn't fall. The Roman Empire fell. Rome exists. You can go to Rome right now with your family. Lizzie McGuire shot in Rome. I don't know what else. Yeah, I don't know how you're trying to look me in the eyes and say Rome doesn't exist when Lizzie McGuire went there and met her literal twin.

Right. And then fell in love with a very, very bad guy. Mm-hmm. You're telling me that. And then at the end of the day, figured out that she's actually in love with her best friend. Yeah. So, yeah, Rome doesn't exist. Rome is the place of Rome.

Rome doesn't exist. It's just, I hate this spreading misinformation, you know, like. Anya's just like being like. It's gaslighting, yeah. Yeah, gaslighting. Yeah. Wait, the other day I was high, which foreshadow. Yeah, foreshadowing.

But I was high and I, this is admitting a lack of thought previously. That's okay. That's okay. That's fine. But I have a gaslight in my house and I was like, oh shit, that's what gaslight is for. Because someone was like, you know that there's a fire in here? And I was like, no, that's just the gaslight. And I was like, oh my God, I'm being gaslighted into thinking there's a fire in my house. There's not a fire.

It's a gaslight. Oh my house. There's not a fire. It's a gaslight. Oh, my God. Cut everything. I just need to think about that for like 10 minutes. Oh, my gosh. Guys, listen. Listen.

Little freaks. Little freaks. Calm down. First of all. We have never played that song on this podcast. And it really speaks to them. And Little Freak by Usher. Have you guys not heard this song?

Didn't you bring this up already? I did, but no one really responded. I think it's because I haven't heard it. You're my little freak. Well, just give it a listen. You're going to enjoy it. Hey, also Little Freak by Harry Styles. Still haven't listened to it, but a lot of you wanted me to note that it happened.

And Harry Styles was in the – well, we don't have to bring him up. Well, he was in the news this week. He was in the news this week because he was saying some weird stuff. Which is a couple weeks before you're listening to this. So when you listen to this, you'll be like, oh, I remember that week. Or he'll clarify that he's straight or whatever is going on with him will be clarified by the time you listen to this. God, I hope. I mean, that's what I'm mostly hoping for.

Yeah. Is he Jewish? No. Is he trying to, you know, there's so much about him. He's the everyman and in that way people are upset. He's the everyman and the no man. He's nobody and he's somebody. He's Harry Styles. Welcome to our guest, Harry Styles. No. But for real, we are so excited for the Harry Styles of guests today. Yeah. You know our guest extremely well. Yeah.

You've seen her on Grand Crew on NBC. She's the host of Nailed It on Netflix and Wipeout, which is on TBS. She has the podcast Why Won't You Date Me? And of course has Newcomers which is on this network. HeadGum. HeadGum. You know it. You love it.

This is a HeadGum podcast. You know that one, you guys. She's a comedian. A HeadGum original. She's an actress. She's a TV host. She's a podcaster. She's the light of your lives

and the star of your hearts. Nicole. Nicole. By her. Nicole. Hey, Nicole. Hey, Nicole. Hi, hi, hi, Nicole Byer. Nicole! Hey, Nicole. Hey, Nicole. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

What's up? You know, what isn't up? No, I'm kidding. I don't know. Life is good. I can't complain. Amazing. Sure.

I feel like I could sometimes complain. Yeah. Could you complain? I complain. I complain sometimes. You don't like to complain? Um, I mean, I guess like not on the record. I have a ton of complaints. I was complaining just moments ago. What's up? What's what's going on with you? What are you working on today? What am I working on today? Well, I'm doing this podcast and then I have to go do a voiceover after this.

I worked out with my trainer, Ben, this morning, who lives in England. What else? You were with him in what capacity? I flew to England, did my workout. Wouldn't that be awesome? Flew back. Popped on over. Right, I bushy-tailed.

That's like the, like, now there's all the, like, like the Kardashians are using more water than they should or whatever. Like, that's the new news that we keep getting. Wouldn't it be so funny if that's what came out about you? It was like, Nicole By Meyer flies to London every morning for a quick workout and then flies back. They're like, she's using way too much water and gas on the planes. But it's like Ben's just so good.

Honestly, I wouldn't mind because that means I'm doing really well. If that's what the news is about me, that I'm wasting resources. Literally. You know, I'm thriving and I don't care. For all the news to be like, Nicole's doing too good. She's wasting stuff now. She's doing too good. She's wasting.

Yeah. She's wasting. Yeah, like I'm sure Kim Kardashian does not care that the news is reporting that she's wasting. She's like, I'm living a great life. Yesterday I was just scrolling like the Twitter trending topics and that was one of them. And then there was another thing on her that was like, Kim Kardashian beats Hillary Clinton in a battle on law knowledge. Oh my God. Oh my God. I was like, Kim Kardashian stays winning in the news right knowledge. Oh my God. Oh my God. I was like, Kim Kardashian stays winning in the news right now.

Yeah. That's crazy. Did they have like, what was it? Like a rap battle where they were like, there was a circle around them and they're just like spit in law knowledge at each other. Like,

I guess. Like, I guess. Yeah. Like how did we measure that? We should do, they should do like a gauntlet style competition where Kim Kardashian goes head to head against

like all of our well known law minds because if she were to continue winning it would be like what a shift on her haters like her haters would have to just be like no but for real she is smart she is smart no but for real she's got something she

definitely has something special she is smart she has to be we're talking about her right now yeah well chris jenner is like the smartest person i wouldn't there's like a meme that's like the devil works hard chris jenner works harder and i was going to say, and it's not wrong. No. If my kid had a sex tape, I could not turn it into an empire. Yeah. Huh. That's what you think.

Right. But if my kid was like hot. I was going to say hot enough. You know, put it on tape. It's like, well, all right. I mean, it's mean it's gonna get out your friends are gonna slut shame you why not get paid while getting slut shamed i don't know i think some people knock it but i'm like a lot of people have sex for free oh my and they shouldn't people i know some of them my my i'm not saying i'm not hating that she created an empire i'm just saying i don't know that that's where my brain would go.

Oh, I mean, yes. And my daughter was like, oh, God, I'm fucking my boyfriend on tape. And it's getting out. I would be like, all right, well, we're changing our names, I guess. I don't know. I was like, I don't know. I would be like, oh, no, you better get you a Patreon and put it behind the paywall.

Well now, yeah, you have only fans. I would be like, all right, Ray J, I will work with you on this. Yeah. We're doing it in a pay-per-view, like a fight,

like one of those boxing fights, MMA. Yeah, why not? $1,000 per seat. But I'll watch it live with you. And I'll comment. See, I wouldn't go with, I wouldn't watch it with my daughter. Because then I think I'd be like, well, you didn't do that right.

I meant me as the one having sex. I guess I played both roles. Oh, I see, I see, I see. I double casted myself. I wanted to be booked. I wanted to be booked, so I double casted myself. I love that Nicole's first response is like, well, I'd have too much feedback, obviously. I would have both of them on my daughter fucks.

I'd be like, you're not doing that right. Like, I can do that better. Here's how I would do it. God, wouldn't it be so haunting to know as a parent if your kid fucks like you? Oh, God. To be like, oh, shit, you do that too? Yeah, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree when it comes to sucking dick.

Chris at first watches like, I do that same move. She's like, I do that. It's a bonding moment for them. Okay, well, that's just, I mean, that's a great idea. I would watch that movie. Fuck, I have to go, Nicole. I have to write a film. You got to write a feature.

Nicole, I have a question for you. If we were creating our own golden records, what would be the first thing you would put on them? Our own golden records? Where it's like something I want to keep. So like the original records were NASA sent them in the 70s. And the idea was like, these will go into space

and if aliens ever found them, they would be like, oh, that's what Earth is like. Oh, okay. This was not explained to me like that. Okay, so it's something. I mean, okay. This was not explained to me like that. Okay, so it's something I'm making a list of things to show aliens. Pretty much. Yeah, that just sort of like encapsulate like.

Everything you picked, I think, worked. Yeah. Like this is the best pieces of humanity. Okay. Well, the first thing i said was dunkaroos hell yeah they should see those that's like one thing that explains the human race i mean you know what i do think it explains american americans yeah in general yes it's a

cookie that you dip in frosting and you send it with children to school, but adults can have them too. So true. When you put it like that. I love Dunkaroos. I love, it's rainbow chip frosting

that is in the Dunkaroos. I prefer. You can get the chocolate frosting, but I don't know why you'd ever. I love the rainbow chips. I think it's less fun, too, because the rainbow chips are colorful. It's a rainbow in your mouth. It is sweet on sweet.

It's very American to be like, you know what we're going to put on a cookie? Frosting. Yeah, and there's a culture around Dunkaroos because they were discontinued for a time. They were. I didn't know that. And then the culture around dunkaroos because they were discontinued for a time they were i didn't know that the culture around them was like no we're gonna keep this shit alive like dip and dots you can find them now at gas stations i fucking love the ice cream of the future that failed yeah it's like what future yeah i think dip and dots would be an incredible

things to show the aliens because it's like this is what we thought we would be like in the future and we couldn't have been more wrong. I'm going to remove Dunkaroos and replace it with Dippin' Dots, the ice cream of the future. I like thinking about your records as a negotiation between all of us. I hear you're Dunkaroos and I raise you Dippin' Dots. And you're like, fine, we'll settle. Basically, I love Dippin' Dots. And you're like, fine, we'll settle. I mean, basically, I love Dippin' Dots. The cookies are cream, incredible. The strawberry is my favorite.

Yeah, that one is nice and classic. What's the one that's like all the colors in one? I think that's Rainbow Sherbert. Rainbow Sherbert. Yeah. It's crazy that they have a Sherbert. Maybe that's ice cream too. Maybe it's like rainbow ice cream.

Well, I got a computer in front of me. I guess I have to get to Googling. We need to get to the bottom of this. This is why we asked Nicole to zoom in. Yeah. We wanted to make sure she was doing research. Okay, rainbow. And this is what people love about podcasts,

when people type rainbow Dippin' Dots. Yeah, you can make it loud. Yeah, make it as loud as possible. Hopefully you have one of those ones that people use in ASMR. Yeah, do you have a typewriter by chance? I think it's just, what flavor is Rainbow Dippin' Dots? It's a colorful blend of strawberry, orange, lemon, lime, and blue raspberry. What?

Ices? Ices. Oh. I feel like that makes sense because when I've seen that melt, it's translucent, which to me. Oh, I see, Ices. Oh. I feel like that makes sense because when I've seen that melt, it's translucent, which to me. Oh, I see, I see. Wait, Dippin' Dots can't melt? Yes, they can. So it's like if I see.

I thought Dippin' Dots were unmeltable. No, they melt. No, they melt. They melt in your mouth, not in your hands. They're the ice cream of M&M's. Well, that's what I, wait. If you leave it in the cup long enough, you're walking around Cedar Point. Oh. And you've got a cup of –

Don't even get me started, shall we, on Cedar Point. Cup of Dippin' D's. Yeah, a cup of Dippin' D's. Right. It's hot. You get on a ride. Your mom holds the cup for you while you go. She doesn't even take a bite.

She's honoring you. Mom. And your spirit. Are you serious? You get on the ride. You come down. The sun's beating on them for the past, you know, however long it took to get in the line and everything. They're melted a little.

A little. Not all the way. But I think it's good melted. I like them melted. Well, it's less harsh on your mouth because the surface area of a Dippin' Dot gives you freezer burn a little. And I celebrate Dippin' Dots, to be clear. I'm just like, okay, if your Dippin' Dots are melting, why were they even in dot formation in the first place?

Fun. Because it's fun to eat. Get with it. What is wrong with you? You don't like a cup of balls to spout into your mouth? Nobody loves a cup of balls more than me. To eat ice cream like they're peas and they fall off your spoon? The dot formation is not practical.

It's full energy. It's a full spirit. So it's like holding a bunch of bees in your mouth. Bees or beads? Well, I meant bees because you said full of energy, so I'm sort of imagining like a flurry. But anyway. Because beads is actually a pretty good.

Like bees? B-E-E-S? Bees or beads? They're saying it's like having bees in your mouth. Like a buzz. No. Like a honey bee. Because they're not animated.

Exactly. They're just balls that sit in your mouth. So the balls are not living. They're not living. But if they were like Pop Rocks, then I would say they're like ice cream bees. Ooh, now Pop Rocks. Because those have a real spirit. Those have a personality.

Pop Rocks is. They do. They're very peppy. I mean, I'm shooting up into space if I'm. Can you imagine sending, okay, now to continue the negotiations, sending Pop Rocks to space? Those aliens. And then the aliens try, we don't tell them anything about them. They're in a loose bag.

Uh-oh. They're in a loose bag. And it just says, like, eat me on the bag. It's like, we don't tell, it doesn't have the title pop rocks on them, so they don't know these are going to pop, and they don't know what's going on. But they know they should eat them. Okay. See, I think that's mean.

Oh. That's mean, because it's startling. You're like, oh my God, I put an explosive in my mouth. As opposed to Dippin' Dots where it's like, oh, this is like melty, yummy goodness. Yeah, wait. It's true. It is kind of mean. Can you imagine?

Actually, imagine you put Pop Rocks in your mouth. You know absolutely nothing about them. I would think I was being like electrocuted, like legitimately. I would be like, this is not food. Okay, we give them a loose bag of Pop Rocks. On there is a post-it note that says, eat me. Why loose? Why not keep them in the package?

I truly think there's no difference. Because that says Pop Rocks. Then they understand it should pop. They can't read English. Right. That's my thought as well, but people seem to be mixed on that. So maybe a photo, sort of an image. A diagram.

A diagram of a mouth. Yeah, you'll have to draw some pictures. If they can't read it, then keep them in the Pop Rocks container. Wait a minute. What if aliens don't have mouths? What if they just have buttholes? They've got to put them in their butthole, unfortunately. Unfortunately, then, Nicole, thank you for asking

they have to put them up in a butthole that's right I was worried about that too yeah okay so you've changed you've changed out Dippin' Dots for Dunkaroos

I think the one thing about Dunkaroos that is powerful for the records is like yeah the culture around it the way that we brought them back

is such a message on consumers yeah that we were like no we will pay for them still yeah and they were like fine we'll do that and dipping dots is a similar lesson in consumerism which is nobody has to be buying these for this business to continue well but okay so dipping dots were like in the malls and stuff and then they went away and now they're at gas stations. Yeah. Yeah, which is not how I want to have a Dippin' Dot.

It is how you want to have a Dippin' Dot. Really? I like getting gas and sometimes going inside to get a water and going, Dippin' Dots, you don't say. It just feels like I need someone serving them to me the way you need. I need someone scooping a bunch of beads into a cup for me. You know, that thrill is gone because you have to get them in a package where they're just rolling around loose.

They're pre-scooped. I want to watch them scoop it and see that there's another bead from another flavor that has made its way into my cup. And you go, bonus bead. And I go, shit, I'm having cookies and cream with one bead of mint. That sounds amazing.

Nicole, what is next on your records? Okay, next on my records is, I guess I should keep it to edible things, a vodka soda. Thank you so much. Okay, yeah. Speak on that. Yeah, please. So I like a vodka soda. Thank you so much. Okay. Yeah. Speak on that. Yeah, please. So I like a vodka soda. I think they're, uh, refreshing, delightful. I used to exclusively in my twenties drink Stoli raspberry. I cannot drink it anymore. It makes me how you say ill. Yeah. Um, that's how

we say it. Yeah. Yeah, but truly, I think a vodka soda is just like delicious, delightful, and it's like an easy thing to drink in a club or whatever, and I think yeah, I think it's good. It's a staple of a drink. Are you getting a splash of anything? Are you getting a

lime? What are you, any accoutrements? I'm a purist, and I don't do lemon or lime. And I don't want a splash of anything in my drink because that takes away from the booze. Clear. Yes, clear. Wow. Like my favorite mimosa is one without orange juice.

There you go. I love that. I am historically a gin and tonic girl I've recently found my way into a tequila soda situation Tequila soda, I can do that I'll do that later in the night when I'm trying to like stay awake Because tequila is an upper Yeah, vodka was such a

That was what I drank all of high school And so I have a hard time with that. Vodka's tough. I don't know. It is a gateway, it's a gateway drink. It's a gateway booze. But I do love vodka-based things. I've recently branched out into like a vodka, elderflower, club soda, champagne cocktail.

Oh, that sounds amazing. You're leveling up. It's very refreshing. Okay, wait. You're going to be making your way to Wasteful soon. You're going on that jet to London for a workout. I can tell based on the drink order evolution. Uh-oh.

A stony raspberry to a champagne elderflower vodka. We're going to London for a workout. Yes, I'm going to London for the morning, darling. We used to drink. Did you drink in high school? Yeah, a little bit. I had like Fireball and like Mike's Hard. Mike's Hard Lemonade.

Look, I love a Mike's Hard. No hate on. Listen, I fuck with a twisted T if I need to. But we had like the vodka that was like a plastic handle, like Zanka. Oh, God. Sure, yeah. It's like watered down. Zanka, Georgie, Nikola, all of them came in plastic handles. That's where I have had to sort of distance myself from the vodka family for a while.

Anna, famously extremely Russian, probably loves vodka. Why? Is that? Yeah, Shelby, that's a crazy thing to say. Shelby, that was a wild thing to say. Shelby, what the hell? It's not okay. Shelby, that was a wild thing to say. Shelby, what the hell? Really drinks? Not okay.

Everyone's calling me out of pocket for saying Russians drink vodka, sort of their classic thing. My mom drinks pepper vodka with hot sauce. Oh, I've heard that that's good. What is pepper vodka? It's an absolute pepper. That's the first drink I ever had by mistake. Really? Isn't that for like fucking Bloody Mary? Yes, which is

why we had it in the house. I went camping in my front yard with a friend so that we could drink alcohol. We were like, we're going to drink tonight. You went camping in your front lawn. I don't think you have to say we went. No, we went.

We had to go out the door. You didn't go nowhere. We had to drag the tent. We had to go out the door. You didn't go nowhere. You had to drag the tent. You had to camp in your front lawn. We had to put up a tent. There was activity. But the whole idea was we are going to drink tonight. Yeah.

The idea of putting that much work into drinking now is humiliating. It was like we were like, okay, we got to get the tent out. We got to put it up. We got to get sleeping bags. And then we got to go steal the vodka. And then we got to get out there and then drink just me and my two friends. So it was a secret in the tent. Well, I couldn't tell my parents.

I was like 14. So we stole whatever alcohol we could find in the house, which was absolute pepper vodka. And we were like, this shit is nasty. Wow. Yeah. It doesn't sound good. And I don't like a Bloody Mary, so I'm not looking for spicy fucking alcohol. I started drinking with Absolute Vanilla, and I cannot drink it anymore.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Stoli Raspberry and Absolute Vanilla. It's an intense one. Can't drink them. Yeah. But I can do a grape. Sky Grape.

Ooh-wee. So what's your vodka of choice right now? If I'm feeling wild and that I want to die and have a hangover, sky grape. Okay. If I don't want a hangover, I do Kettle One. Okay. Or like Tito's. Yeah.

Grey Goose I think is like fine. Yeah. It's whatever. Belvedere is a nice one I love when people know I need to have a day where I set out all the alcohols and just taste each one

because when a bartender says which kind I'm just like whatever one I see that works as long as it's not well, well is disgusting. Right. Yeah. I've distanced myself from well.

I'm doing okay enough that I'm not doing well. Great. Good. I'm doing well enough to not do well. I'm not doing well. You're not drinking well spirits. Do well, don't drink it. That's what I always say.

There you go. Wow. Okay. I'm learning so much. Sorry, I'm 14. EJ's my student. say there you go wow okay i'm learning so much i love it um what would you want would you want to give an experience so an alien drinking a vodka soda for the first time is there an experience you want them to have a bar you want them to be at or do you want them like outside on the beach they can be anywhere yeah there's this bar that i'm obsessed with um it's uh it's called the nice guy it's across the street from largo okay and one of my favorite bartenders in the whole world his name is joe he's there if you go tell him tell joe tell Joe Nicole sent you because I fucking love him.

He is delightful. He is a good time. And I think if the aliens went there, the aliens would be like, oh, wow, like Earth is nice and fun and people party. And they would be like, we don't need to fight these people. Yeah. We don't need to fight the human race. Yeah. I'm hoping that the aliens don't want to fight us.

I would love to be abducted. Oh, okay. I mean, it's not good here. Earth people are fucking stupid. So I'm like, let's get out of here. Let's see what else is going on. Right. Yeah, my fear is that they come down and they're like, they're completely blank slated.

And then they see like the first thing they see is like a Donald Trump rally. And they're like, wait, we like this guy. And then there's more of them. Yeah. I wouldn't like that. But like if they abduct me first, then they'll be like, oh, this is the good person. This is the good human. This is who we worship now.

Then you're queen. Oh, so you're queen. Queen Nicole. Oh, that could be really fun. I could be a queen of the aliens. This is great. Guys, let's just have fun. Yeah.

Guys, let's just have fun. Vodka soda's for everybody. Let's just relax. Pull out a couple Dunkaroos. A vodka soda, and we'll have a nice time Oh that sounds great I just in my head You know when people got really into

Making really elaborate milkshakes On the internet Really really big ones In my head I saw a vodka soda With a Dunkaroo frosting rim with like crushed cookies. And I said, yuck. You know, someone's making it, I'm sure.

But I was in Mexico. But. And I had that exact drink. And I went to this like very Americanized restaurant or whatever. And they had like a cookie cocktail that was vodka based. It was like vodka and milk and cookies. And it was delicious. I could see that being good for sure.

Are either of you, Nicole, do you scroll TikTok often? Ever? Yes and no. I spend a lot of time on Instagram looking at curated TikToks. Sure. Yeah. I hear that. The TikTok a lot of time on Instagram looking at curated TikToks. Sure. Yeah. I hear that. The TikToks that make it to Instagram.

So the problem with me on TikTok is that my algorithm is all messed up because I take an interest in one thing one time and try and drop it and the algorithm won't let me forget. You can't drop it. And the big thing is I get a lot of cocktail review TikToks on my feed. Oh, that sounds great. So I'm watching people make cocktails all the time and a lot of the time they are having a lot of fun with it

because TikTok is sort of want to do that. So there's a lot of people, that's I think why my brain went to the Dunkaroo frosting rim is because I'm seeing people do some crazy shit,

especially with the rims. Have you ever tried to, interesting. Have you tried to replicate a cocktail you've seen on TikTok? No, but I did buy a shaker because of it. I was like, fine.

Fine. I'll buy a shaker. Dare me. Fine. I got really into it. Like watching those. I get such weird. My TikTok's all messed up.

I'm on Lobster Talk. I think I've told you this. Yeah. I'm learning a lot about how people fish lobsters. Okay. And so many working through it yeah and then people who are mean about people cooking food oh yeah people who are mean about people cooking food yeah like people i mean to be fair they deserve it it's a lot of white people doing stuff that is nasty with food yeah i mean they are oh yeah where they're like fucking melting velveta cheese and rolling it and fucking they're like all right we're putting raw pasta and velveta cheese in a in a pan with a bunch of

like tuna and i'm putting that in the oven and eventually the noodles will be cooked i'm like how so how do you figure it's also like always framed with like, this is such an easy dinner, you guys. You should really try it. It's cost effective. Your family's going to love it. And it's one of the grossest things I've ever seen. And I know that it's gross, but I'm not duetting it and telling people about it. But then there's like a whole subset of TikTok that's just like five other white dudes being like, this is disgusting.

Now they're putting that on. Oh, great, that's how you drop the onions? It's disgusting. And then they do that, and then I get those. I don't even get the original cooking video. I get the guy being mean about the cooking, and I'm like, does it suck? A hundred percent.

I'm with you. But let's leave them alone. Yeah, just let it leave them alone. Yeah. Just let it happen, you know? Do you get those? No. Okay. No worries.

My TikTok for you, Paige, is like entirely cat videos, which is – Okay. I'm not going to pretend that's not my doing. Like I interact with those the most for sure. I need to do what Nicole is doing and just leave the app and let people curate for me. Yeah, you can't. Yeah. I just watch a lot on Instagram.

Although I did watch this one yesterday where this lady was like, I'm going to teach you how to make a margarita. Okay. So first of all, you get a coffee maker. You fill the top. I put the Skittles or the Starburst. Yes. And then tequila.

Keep going. And then ice. Ew. And then she runs the coffee maker and she's like, look, look, look, look, the tequila, and then ice. Ew. And then she runs the coffee maker, and she's like, look, look, look, look, the tequila's coming through. And then you're going to have a delicious margarita. You can sugar the rim or salt the rim. I do sugar.

And I'm like, of course you do. You're trying to get sick. And then doesn't she put jalapeno in it? What? Yeah, she said she muddled. Muddled. She truly just smashed them around until she was like, I don't know, the seeds are out. And then she poured it in.

She's like, yum. And I was like, this is wild. Everyone is wild. And I was like, were people just wild in their houses alone with no cameras before? That's a really good question. Were people doing this shit to nobody before? God, I hope not. I hope this is new.

I hope this is new for humanity. I mean, there was a time, I don't know. It is like where I did that. I did crazy stuff in my house. But like, you know, there was a time where at least people that I knew would make videos of stuff.

But then it was like in the time of Facebook where you would like post it on someone's wall. I don't know if you guys have it. But I'm like before videos. Right, before cameras. Before we had little pocket fucking computers. That's when we were making fucking food in, well, white people. We're making food in Jell-O. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. So like, yeah, we were doing fucked up shit, but it was different fucked up shit. Why? Okay, no offense. No, please. How come white people like to eat so poorly? Thank you for asking. So it starts with a lack of culture. Yeah.

And it jumps straight into... Boredom. a lack of culture. Yeah. And it jumps straight into afraid of spice. And so then you take those two things and you have limitations. You can't use a lot of spices, so you have to mix a lot of shit together to hope that something is interesting on the table. And what I want you to know is interesting on the table and what i want you to know is interesting does not mean good yeah okay interesting means interesting interesting does mean interesting and for the record that tequila video that you're talking about when it showed up on my feed it was someone reviewing it i only when it showed up that's funny i'm like, did you ruin your coffee maker?

I know. Did you run tequila through it? I wouldn't want coffee out of that. Or is like every morning a buzz? The only way I could ever imagine even trying that is if I like was at, well, first of all,

my brain would never go there. But if I was at like a thrift store, like a consignment and they had an old coffee maker and I was like, fine, I'll fuck this shit up. It's free. Well, yeah, you're not going to do that on your- Free. I mean, it's like a dollar.

On your nice coffee maker. I mean, that's where you make your coffee. The Starburst tequila. Well, and the other thing that I was thinking was like, coffee makers make the coffee hot. Right. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. He cooks out alcohol.

Well, there is no mixer, so maybe that's what she wanted to make it less alcoholic. Okay. So she just wants a juice. Yeah, I gotta get her a juicer. She just wants like alcohol. I'm gonna DM this woman. Like a whisper of alcohol, but just juice. Sugar juice. It's like you can wants a juice. Yeah, I gotta get her a juicer. She just wants alcohol. She wants alcohol. I'm gonna DM this woman. Like a whisper of alcohol, but just juice. Sugar juice.

It's like you can just buy juice at the store. I'm going to message this woman and tell her about a screwdriver. Ah, yeah. Where it's orange juice with a little vodka. That's what she needs. Ah, yes, yes, yes. She'd be happy to hear about that. She would love that, I think.

She would love that. No, she'd run it through the coffee maker. Okay, so you just put your orange juice in. It takes time. Ew, hot orange juice. Hot orange juice. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. Okay, wait, wait.

You don't like hot orange juice? It's not for you? Something about that makes me actually physically sick. Agree? I don't drink orange juice. Okay. I have to gather myself. We're going to take a quick break.

We're going to throw it. Oh. Welcome back. Welcome back. Nicole, if you were to delete something from the record, something you don't even want aliens to really know about because you're like, this is not correct. It doesn't need to make it to them. What would you delete talking about people's bodies i hate it whether it's good or bad let's just not do it thank you yeah um caleb recently tweeted something caleb, uh, former host of the pod for the little freaks listening, um, that I loved, which was, it was when Elon Musk was getting

roasted online for like that picture of him in the water. Oh yeah. And people were like, ew, he looks bad. And Caleb tweeted, Elon Musk is not going to read your tweet about his little fucked up body. But your friend with a little fucked up body is. And I was like, straight up. Shut up about it. There's so many things it is like about Elon Musk.

Yeah. We don't need to talk about it. It's literally boring to talk about his body. We can actually talk about so much not to like about him that is more compelling than the way that he looks at when he's having a nice time. Yeah. Yeah. And he knows what he looks like. He doesn't know.

People know what they look like. They don't need anyone to be like, Hey, just so you know, you're fat. And it's like, yeah, I know that.

I knew that when I broke a chair, like couldn't fit through a door. Like I know, you know, or it's like, your face is fucked up. Yeah. I felt out.

I know. Do you know what I mean? Like people know what they look like. Like, I promise you, I've noticed that thing that you're going to say in the mirror before. Like I know like do you know what I mean like people know what they look like like I promise you I've noticed that thing that you're gonna say in the mirror before like I know yeah it's like caricature artists who are like

hey did you know that your nose is fucked up so I'm gonna draw it as fucked up as I can literally my worst year is to have one of those portraits done of myself I like already know what it was like it's like it's like first of all that's already how we all see ourselves right as like the caricature version of ourselves.

We're like, here's my flaw. It's the biggest thing about me. And people are like, I barely see that. And so that's where it starts is like, shut up. I've already seen it. And I've seen it bigger than you have. Yeah. Whatever you have to criticize, I promise you my mirror makes it more apparent to me.

Yeah. I'm not learning with you. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not learning with you. Yeah. Yeah. Like the whole Adele discourse, I was like, who cares? Can she still fucking sing? Yes. Great.

Yeah. And even if she can't sing, we got to leave her alone. Yeah. Like, it's just, there's no point in it. Do you know what I mean? It's like, it's just so weird. I would be so bummed if she couldn't sing. Oh, yeah.

I mean, that would be a huge loss. Just checking. Yeah. Just making sure all the same. I'd be sad, but I wouldn't't sing. Oh, yeah. I mean, that would be a huge loss. Okay, just checking. Just making sure we're all on the same page. I'd be sad, but I wouldn't publicly be like, you know. I wouldn't be mad at her on Twitter. Yeah, she would be devastated if she couldn't sing anymore. Exactly. She would be sad enough.

I think that would change the way she lives her life. And I think that would be really tricky for her. Adele, girl, we love you, bitch. Yeah, Adele, we know you're listening she's yeah she's a huge listener um uh she keeps commenting it's crazy she's obsessed she reposts everything um nicole when i first uh read that well when i first heard you say that why did i do that made it so weird. It reminded me, I worked at this camp where there was a rule

called no body talk, which was in part to literally be like don't talk about other people's bodies because it was a camp for primarily girls. But it was also specifically kind of based on like as people that worked there, we were trained around like so often

when people talk to kids, the first thing that they'll comment on is like, oh, your shirt is so pretty. Or like I love like the way you did your hair, like especially with like little girls. People are like, oh, you know, like talk about the way that they look like first. And I can feel myself doing it too even when you're like talking to a kid for the first time. You're like nice shoes or whatever. And it was so nice because these kids knew that this rule was in place so someone else around them was like you know i love your pants or whatever that you'd

have these like nine-year-old girls being like um no body talk i don't really want to talk about my pants i'm actually really strong i love that it was whenever i meet like a kid because kids like nailed it um i always try to be like you look smart yeah and then i go school's not a measure of your smartness because like testing sucks and school does suck so i'm always like you are a smart person and you're doing good i like try really hard because uh i feel like not enough adults say it so it's like maybe if i say it the person that they like watching on hard because I feel like not enough adults say it. So it's like maybe if I say it, the person that they like watching on TV, that they'll like remember it. And then like anytime someone says something shitty, they're like, yeah, but I'm smart. Someone told me that once.

Yeah. There's a guy. I guess I'm back onto it on TikTok. Hey, it's okay. This podcast is sponsored by TikTok. TikTok. This is an app where, no, but it's this guy. I think he must be a teacher.

I don't really understand really what the vibe is. He's always around like the same group of like 12 kids. But he interviews them and they're very funny. Like all the kids are hilarious. But the first thing he always says is like. He's like, Jabri, are you smart? Yeah. And they always say yes. And I'm'm like whatever he's saying to these and then they say things that are

like entirely false sure and he just is like correct go off yeah and i'm like yes king but it is it is literally bria like whatever her but where he goes are are you smart? And she's, yeah. Yeah, it's so cute. She's so cute. Jabri, no, it's not Jabri. Jabri is from 90 Day Fiance. Is it Brielle?

Well, there's a Brianna. I just want, I feel like it's J. I don't know, but she's adorable. And he's very nice. He's very sweet to them.

But like the first thing he always asked them before asking them something that might make them feel like they don't know something is to validate that they're intelligent. Which is, to me, like, the videos are so cute and fun, and I'm glad he's making them because the kids seem to really enjoy it. But, like, they seem to get really excited. But I think that's such, like, an important step in it. Yeah. Is to be like, first of all, are you smart?

Yeah. Yes. Also, I love that he doesn't correct them. Yeah. Because they'll get corrected later in life to no end. People love telling you how wrong you are. Yeah.

Eventually when they say like, I don't know, Idaho is a sandwich that you get. Like, it's like, they're like, he's like, yep, that's correct. That's what Idaho is. And later someone will be like,

that's not what Idaho is. But who cares? In that moment, they were right about like whatever creative thing they decided to say. I love them. Yeah, I love them.

I love them too. Yeah, I... Yeah. I remember, one of my most vivid memories is when I was in third grade, Mrs. Marcoux, my math teacher, was teaching, like, the – like, differences in things. And I was really short, still am. And she made me stand on my desk next to the tallest person in the class just to talk about like the the way that that is different and i just remember it being like so embarrassing yeah that's a lot to climb up on the desk and be like yep so i'm shorter than him so yeah that's just gonna be what it is and like she talked about me

standing there for a while before I could get down. Oh, that's so... Yeah, why are we doing that? That's fucking weird. Teachers do a lot of shit that stays with you. Then I'm like, what? Why? Why are you telling me?

Why did that teacher make you stand on... Who cares if you're fucking short? Put two stuffed animals on the desk. One tall, one small. Yeah, we don't need to make it about the people in the room. But also, what was the lesson? Some people are tall, and if you stand on something, you too could be tall. If you add the, okay, I could figure that out in a million other ways that don't make me stand on my desk.

Which also is a safety hazard. Right. Yeah, you could have fallen. Were you wearing something? Were you wearing a helmet? The tall person had no risk involved in this endeavor. Now that's interesting. This was short hatred.

Short hate? Rude. We have to stop short hate. We do. Nicole, what is next on your record? Nicole, how tall are you? Nicole, what is your height? I thought I was 5'7", but I brutally found out, I think it was late last year or early this year,

that I'm only 5'5". Oh, wow. Two-inch difference. Three. Well, someone can't do math. Five to six, six, seven, seven. Wait, five to six, six. Yeah, two inches.

Oh, my God. I was right the first time. No one can do math here. You're kidding. Well, freaks, if you're listening, the problem is that I am not that smart. Because no one told me I was when I was little. Yeah. Little freaks.

Sound off. I'm here to tell you, you are smart. Next on my list is strip clubs thank you to go, to be in, to perform how do you want it? all of the above am I okay?

all of the above I love a strip club, I love strippers I love sex work, I think it's real work they're very impressive and yeah i think i think aliens or whoever's out there will be like oh heels bikinis yeah titties money fun they should be celebrated like our biggest athletes yes oh my god i think so i don't know why pole dancing isn't in the Olympics. It's wild what these girls do. It should be at least

like gymnastics is in the Olympics. Score what they're doing. It is unbelievable. Yeah. When I first went to a strip club the first time, I was with a group of guys who were like, let's go to a strip club. And I was like, sure.

Okay. And then I had the most fun of any of us. I was having a blast. I made friends with the strip. Like I was like, I'm buying all my friends dances just so I can have conversations with the girls. Like, I'm like, let's bring, bring them over. Let's go. Um, and they're all lovely. Everyone that I've met that's stripping is lovely and they have more talent than I will ever have in my life. The strength, the sheer physical strength. It's incredible. It's like mesmerizing to watch.

When they go upside down, I'm like, what is going on with you? How do they do that? How are you doing that? How do they do that? It's so fun. And in heels. In heels. And landing.

And smiling. Like they're like, you know, it's such a, I don't know. It's a cut. Body control. I was a gymnast for a minute, I don't know. It's a color. The body control. I was a gymnast for a minute, and I didn't have the face control for it. Yeah. Like, they were like, you should start. Oh, no.

What was your face doing? Well, when I even just still, like, run, like, if you take a picture of me in motion, my face, it's doing something. Okay. It's just, it's disfigured. Oh, sure. it's just it's disfigured it's like my mouth is where it's my face doesn't I don't know how to control it

if I'm focused on something else got it and that's what I've learned okay over time in pictures of me doing feats of strength feats of strength

but what's wrong with that? nothing is wrong with it that's a fun thing nothing is wrong with it what I'm saying is it is a skill to be able to control that yeah one i like i see and one that strippers don't like they look gorgeous the entire time while they're doing something i couldn't do yeah in a million years yeah you could if you took a class wait nicole are you promoting a class? I don't know.

I take classes and I fucking love it. It's great. That is so cool. Where do you take a class on it? It's a place called Luscious Maven in North Hollywood. Ooh, North Hollywood. The pearl of Los Angeles. Gotta love it.

Gotta go over the hill. It's hotter. It's hotter. It's hotter. Yeah, what was the, there was like the at-home stripping class, the Flirty Girl Fitness. Is that what it was called? What is Flirty Girl Fitness?

Did you just made that up? Never mind. Never mind. Flirty Girl Fitness? I was kidding. No, I'm gonna look it up. Yeah, I mean, I'm there, dude. It's a thing.

They come, they like install a pole in your house. Well, that was probably a pandemic thing. Oh, no, yeah, permanently closed. No. It was a women's only gym with a range of upbeat, cardio-focused classes like pole dancing and bar? No, it was in Chicago. In Chicago. But I swear you could it was in Chicago. Oh.

But I swear you can get it in your own house. I just know that my mom's friends, like, installed a pole in her house and was having girls over to do Flirty Girl Fitness. That's so fun. I love it. That's such a fun group activity. Honestly. Okay. That's cool.

I'm getting a group of friends. We're going. I'm getting, first of all, I'm making a group of friends. First of all, I need to make a group of friends first. Step one, I'm going to make some friends. Step two, I'm taking up stripping. Yes. I think you should do it.

I don't see why not. Done and done. I mean, if I was good at it, I would strip. If I was good at so many things, I would be doing more of it. If I could pole dance, you would have a hard time pulling me off the pole. If I could spin myself the way I see them do it with seemingly no effort, which I know is not true. I know that's just because they're talented. But to make it look effortless while you spin upside down around a pole naked.

That's crazy. If I could do that, you couldn't stop me. It would be constant. Yeah. Shelby, come home. You'd have to ask me to take me a race. You need to eat. Shelby, when was the last time you drank water?

It doesn't matter. Yeah. You'd have to give me one of those hamster bottles while I'm upside down on a pole. And then go back to what I was up to. Yeah. What you were up to, which is, yeah. I think that's a perfect thing to tell the aliens about. Right?

Yeah. And they could take a spin on the pole. It'll be a good time. I imagine them as being very flexible, too. Yeah. My image of aliens, which could be wrong, is that they are like jelly. Bon imagine them as being very flexible, too. Yeah. My image of aliens, which could be wrong, is that they are, like, jelly. Boneless. Yeah. Oh my god, yeah.

Wait, me too. Boneless? They're like, they could do, I'm imagining, like, sort of an arm, it's not a tentacle, but almost a tentacle. One of those things that you could, they were, like, sticky, you would get them in a little pack and you could fling them out a window. The sticky hands. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Duskets on them. Like that. They would get them in a little pack and you could fling them out a window and they would fall off and then they had like dust gets on them they're not as sticky as that but they're as just bendy so like Elastigirl I like that I'm here for that I'm here for sticky aliens and I like thinking that they're when I think of aliens

I like to think that they come down and join us for a while like i want and i like thinking that when they do now they're going to be like they're going to be in the proponent of people which is a growing a growing class of people saying like sex work is work sex workers are like very worthy like things and then they join that movement and if there's enough of them, we start winning. Okay. Yeah. So it's sort of like what,

this is how I win. It's sort of like what Democratic voters did in Vermont and turned the state blue. Sure. Cool. Yeah. I think that's a good example.

It's sort of a similar thing of like the aliens come down and we're like, hey guys, this is what we're up to. This is like the aliens come down and we're like, hey, guys. This is what we're up to. This is what we're up to. And they're like, oh, sure. We get to them first.

Obviously, we have a couple on the podcast, needless to say. Yeah. Yeah, we get to them first and we're like, first of all, before you go any further. Yeah, yeah. Sex work is work. Check this out. And then they're like, that's the coolest thing I've seen since I've been here. Nicole, what is next on your records?

Mushrooms. Mmm. Oh. Like, the recreational ones or just to eat? The ones you get at Whole Foods. No, I'm kidding. The fucking mushrooms that make you trip, dude. Totally.

You're like, shiitake and cremini. I literally was like, I was like, mmm, God, I had such fucking mushrooms that make you trip dude totally you're like shiitake and cremini I literally was like I was like mmm god I had such good mushrooms last night he just like I had a delicious I like how you asked it

so um the ones um the recreationally um yeah the ones that fucking make you hug a tree

yeah thank you for saying that um thank you for saying that uh when was your first experience with them um I think in yeah high school I took them in high school um tripped had a nice time I was like that's fun and then I didn't really do them again until my later, late 20s. I went to, a fond memory is I went to a Lady Gaga concert after drinking mushroom tea. And was tripping so hard.

At Lady Gaga. At her concert. It was at like Mets. I don't know, wherever the Mets play in New York. At her concert. It was at like Mets. I don't know where the Mets play in New York. Some fucking stadium. And there's just so many people and they're all like magical and sparkly. And then me and my friend, we took Molly like midway through the concert. And then it like hit with Just Dance.

And then I was like like it's so funny it's a dance song let's say that's telling us to dance it was delightful then we went to a diner after and we laughed and laughed and laughed um and then now i just kind of take them every time i go to a party. Not enough to trip, but enough to be like, everyone's having a nice time and so am I. Yeah. Well, also there's the rise of the microdose. Yeah.

The rise of the microdose. The rise of the microdose. I'm speaking in like film titles. Like a square of chocolate, it's a nice time. You feel good. And then the next day you kind of, It's a nice time You feel good And then the next day You kind of It's like residual

Nice feeling I love mushrooms Can we talk about How they need to start Making A chocolate bar That is a full bar And one of the squares

Is mushrooms But the rest is not So that I can eat The whole chocolate bar Oh Wait Why can't you just have the whole chocolate bar. Oh. Wait, why can't you just have a separate chocolate bar that's not mushrooms? I'll open another packet.

And usually they taste good. Okay. And it's like the same thing with like edibles, like weed edibles that are like fruit chews. It's like, well, these are really delicious. And I have to stop. Okay. Or I'll be in a bad way.

Fair. So we should get you maybe some Welch's fruit snacks. Have you ever eaten too many edibles? Nicole, famously, I accidentally ate 100 milligrams of food in one evening once. And it was the worst night of my life. Oh, my God. And I would say just night, but it was a three-day adventure. Yeah, that lasts forever.

Three days? I mean, 100 milligrams? It was a three-day adventure. Yeah, that lasts forever. Three days? I mean, 100 milligrams? It was a little more than 100. Shelby. It was one of the worst things I've ever done to myself. Did you throw up? No. I just paralyzed myself.

I'm like. I don't know if the listeners really ever know this, but I sometimes have seizures. And I got so scared. First of all, I couldn't listen to anything or watch anything because it was too much stimulation. And I, if I had to go to the bathroom, I was scared that if I walked there, I might have a seizure. I don't have them often enough for that to be a realistic fear, but it's where I was at. And I, so I army crawled to the bathroom every time I had to go to the bathroom.

Were you alone in your apartment? I lived alone. And I was like, it was this thing where I kept having to like out loud mantra to myself like nobody's ever died from weed. Nobody's ever died from weed. Nobody's ever died from weed. And that worked for so long until I was like, but people have died from other stuff. And I'm high enough that I can make those things happen. Okay.

Yeah. Like, I was like, no. So you, like, went to sleep and woke up still high? Yeah. And then the third day was just, like, a terrible hangover from it all. Oh, God, Shelby. Like, I hadn't slept in two days. I wonder how many milligrams I took.

It might have been, like, 100. I'm trying to remember. I used to have these. It was like the brand was Kiva and I loved them, but, um, I would take a quarter of one at night and then wake up a little stony and it was delightful. And then I was like, well, I might as well just take, and then I took a half one, woke up even more stony. I was like, I think this is fun. And then I took like two whole ones because I was like, why not? And then I woke up and I was like, oh, no. And everything happened in slow motion for the whole day. Yep.

And I, well, also what happened in this adventure was I went to bed. And for the, I'm using air quotes because I woke up and realized I never fell asleep. Like I was just paralyzed. Like I was just laying there like, like if someone were to have videotaped me, it would be the scary, it would be the scariest film of the year. Yeah, you would look possessed probably. Oh no. Because I just, I mean, I like, I went to sleep. I had like deep slumber and then woke up. Oh no. I took a nap that day. I was like, maybe if I go to sleep, I'll wake up not high. And I had to go get my nails done at one point. I was like nodding out at the salon. I was like, they must think about something harder. And then took a nap and then woke up and I was like, oh no. Then I had to sit in a hot tub and I was like, I'm going to die. You had to sit in a hot tub and I was like, I'm going to die. Oh, God. You had to sit in a hot tub.

I just, I simply had to sit in a hot tub. And then I had to be in a hot tub. People were gun pointing me about it. No, I love, now they make edibles taste good. That's like the whole industry. Yeah. Mushrooms and wheat, any edible drug, they're like, let's make this tasty. And I love that.

It makes it way more pleasant to do the thing. But then I want more of it and I don't have the self-control. Is that how you got to 100? No, I got to 100 by mixing up products. Okay. One thing that was like 100 and another thing that was like 1,000 and I mixed them.

Oh, my God. And I had as much of – I just – so. I took 50 milligrams once and I thought that that was like the most that anyone had ever taken. Literally, I was like that is because okay for context i mean first maybe some of the little freaks i don't know probably everyone understands milligrams and weed but i like i'd be like a norm like i take to get like really high i would take 10 maybe yeah that's a little much for me you know i so i went to take like that much is so much. That's so much. It was really, really one of the –

It made me be like, well, I shouldn't smoke for a while. Yeah. I was like, this isn't for me anymore. It makes you think about how weed is like kind of intense. Well, it was one of those things where you're like, this is a drug. Yeah. It should be illegal. This is not just a fun thing.

Wait, they should make this stuff illegal. Nobody should feel the way I felt. Someone needs to do something about this. People need to be jailed if they're selling this. No. It is funny that if you just take a little, you'll giggle. But if you take too much, you're comatose. Yeah.

They shouldn't be jailed, by the way. I ate as much as anyone ever has and was fine at the end of it yeah it was a bad couple of days but yeah that's so many wild yeah um but mushrooms i love mushrooms i think they're delightful um i have yeah i like microdose every now and again I'll eat chocolate I have them in capsule form sometimes I'll one of the best experiences I had was

singing karaoke in Mexico after eating like two caps and a stem and I was singing she's like the wind and this old lady crossed in front of me and I was like she's like the wind and I was like is she real and then me and my two friends I think we were walking I was like, she's like the wind. And I was like, is she real?

And then me and my two friends, I think we were walking only two blocks. It took us a half hour. We stopped every two steps to just truly cackle. And then at one point, I picked up a dog that wasn't mine. And I was like, should we keep it? And they were like, put the dog down. It was delightful. And then I went on a date with somebody where we ate mushrooms and went to a movie.

And they were like, I'm not high, as they were like gripping the armrest. And I was like, I think you're trying not to float away. And then I went to the bathroom. And I was like, oh, oh my god the carpet is moving and then i was surfing on the carpet until i was like i'm in public and i was like i can't do that and then i got to the bathroom and i was like the wood grain is dancing for me so i would like dance with the wood and then i'd get back to the movie and we went and saw spies in disguise with which is like a cartoon so it was like us tripping on mushrooms and children yeah whoa and I was cackling just as loud and hard as these kids I yeah I love mushrooms one of the first

times I ever tripped I found myself watching watching the – well, now Spotify has, like, basically music videos when you're listening to a song, like, in motion. But this was pre-that. This was pre-that where it was just an album cover, and I watched one album cover for, like, 15 minutes thinking it was moving. Which album cover? That's pretty funny. What was it? I don't even remember what the album is, but it was an image of elephants in water.

And I was like, they are having such a nice time. I love that. I thought they were bathing each other. And I was like, how do they have this never ending? How did they manage to make it? I was like, restarting the song just being like, they just

made this video go on forever. And it was like, yeah, it's still image. Amazing. I'm sitting there showing my friends being like,

go check it out. Cool film. They were like, you don't know what you're talking about. Nicole, is there anything else left on your records?

Yes. Wigs. Wigs. Thank you. you yes the aliens will be like wait a minute you can just change your hair whenever you want and I'm like yum you can look however you can be another person if you want in a second

yeah you just shake it out put it on your head and have a nice time do you want so if we were to show them like we were going to give them, like, a sampling, like five wigs. Do you want all of them to be realistic? Like, this could be your hair, or some of them, I guess all things could be your hair. But, you know, there's, like, the more fun ones.

I would do, so if it's only five, I would probably do like four realistic ones and then, or maybe like three realistic ones and like two nasty little Party City wigs. Yeah. Like the, like almost has tinsel in them. You're like, this isn't. Yeah. Like really gross, ratty wigs. Yeah.

Or maybe one nasty little Party City one and then like one synthetic one that's been like styled to the heavens. Yes. Do we think that the aliens. been like styled to the heavens. Yes. Do we think that the aliens – Maybe two styled to the heavens, two realistic, one nasty little one. We can add more in if you want. Yeah, no worries. We can make it ten.

No, you said five and that's what it is. I'm just trying to preserve space in the ship and whatever. Right, because it's – yeah, it could be full. Do we think that the aliens have hair? Are we picturing aliens with hair? It depends where they're from. I mean, my whole thing with aliens is it depends what planet they're from. If it's a cold planet, yes, they have hair.

Yeah. Or something like it. But if they're on one of the hot places, probably they've adapted to not. Yeah. Makes sense. We have some because some places are really hot some places are really gold so it doesn't make sense for humans to be hairless or covered yeah but then we have like i don't know like bears right they're absolutely fucking covered well they're totally covered in hair yeah that's yeah but some of them live at the, like, fucking

North Pole. No, that's not real. They live in, uh... It's real. It's real. Hey, it's okay. It's real. Wait, is the North Pole real? Yeah, it's just not where Santa lives. It's not, like, Santa. Sorry to anyone listening who

maybe isn't sure about Santa. Spoiler alert. I don't think he's real, but the North Pole is a place that... And the South Pole is Antarctica. No. Color me surprised. I didn't know that. Hey.

That's kind of what the podcast is about, actually. Yeah, no. But I guess, are bears in hot places? Um. I got hot bears in a lot of places. Koala bears, I think, are in, like, Australia. Oh, yeah, Australia. Australia, and it's, like, hot there and shit.

God, did we recover them? There's definitely, sorry, I was going to make it so depressing. So many koalas were dying in the wildfires in Australia. Oh. Oh, no. And I think we were trying to save them at some point, we being the human race. Koalas are pretty... The four of us

in this room, Nicole, you don't know this. We were trying to save them. Me and Casey on the EJ, we were doing a lot of outreach to koalas. We were spearheading this sort of koala

saving initiative, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think they have hair if they're from one of the cold places. Okay. And I don't think they do if they're from one of the hot ones. And that's Jupiter?

Or, like, which one's cold? Pluto's cold. The ones that are further from the sun. Yeah, totally. Well, there is no life on any of the planets in our solar system, right? Well, we don't think. We don't think. I thought that they got water on Mars, and then it's like, well, if there's water, this is one of the worst things about science to me because I disagree with it inherently.

They're saying that if there's water – and let me be clear. I don't know what I'm talking about. So it makes me mad but only from a standpoint of I've not educated myself on the topic. Yeah. But – Okay. Life on Earth requires water. Yes.

And scientists are like, oh, well then on these other planets, there needs to be water for life. And I'm like, no. There needs to be water for Earth life. But there might be alien life that doesn't need water. Why are we using water as the descriptor of all life

if that's only what we've found here? Uh-oh. I guess you should be a fucking scientist because, well. Right, though? Oh. And they also said that the reason they use numbers in the original Golden Records is because they're universal. And I'm like, numbers aren't universal, they're yeah well yeah you are right and so it's one of those things where i'm like our scientists i love you guys so much and i think you're doing incredible work and

i believe in you yeah me too i love the scientist but you guys are short-sighted oh you guys are thinking only through the confines of what we already have. They need to go trip. They need a trip. They need to eat some mushrooms and fucking disconnect from this reality and get on a different plane. And be like, wait, all the things we think to be true might not be true for other life. Correct. Which I think could be really scary if they were to ultimately publish it. I think that would be something that would haunt me.

If they were to be like – We don't want you to be haunted. If they were like, life can be anywhere, actually, I'd be like, wait, hold on, what's up? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, wait, we were just joking around. But they're kind of like, oh, the temperatures can sustain life. And I'm like, couldn't there be things that exist in temperatures that we don't think things can survive at?

I mean, case in point, the bottom of the ocean. What's going on there? You know what I mean? A lot of weird shit. There might be aliens down there. I would classify the giant squid as some sort of, I mean, not alien life form. What even is that, you know? You know what I mean?

Nicole, we're running out of time, so I want to make sure we hit everything. Is there anything else on your list? Dunkaroos, strip clubs, wigs, vodka sodas, and mushrooms. That's it. It's perfect. Nicole, a perfect record. That's just my shopping list. I think it's teaching the aliens how to have a nice time.

Yeah. Thank you. I think so, too. They're all, like, my favorite things. Yeah, I think it's, like, you're really giving them a picture of, like, hey, when we're down here, we have the opportunity to have fun. Right. We're not all just frowns and rain clouds.

We are not frowns and rain clouds. Here on Earth, we're not all frowns and rain clouds. Sometimes we're dunkaroos in a wig with a vodka soda. Yeah. Yes. It's perfect. It's perfect. Wait, that was perfect.

That's a perfect record. Thank you. Nicole, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you for having me. At literally any time. No, please. We love you. Thank you. Thank you for having me. At literally any time. No, please. We love you. Thank you.

Thank you. Bye bye. Bye. That was a Hiddem original.