Keeping Records - Ball Saves Lives (with Katie Kershaw)

Episode Date: April 2, 2021

Katie Kershaw (Mrs. Fletcher, Fargo, Pathetic Woman) thought hard about what to include on her Golden Record. And —truly? honestly?—it shows in its perfection. The aliens need to understand that humans are a species that should not be messed with, and they will learn that through our insane eating habits, eagerness to engage in awkward social interactions, and folk songs about fire. Katie's Artifacts Martina McBride, "Independence Day" (audio-visual) The coffee cup of a keynote speaker at a hotel conference (human ephemera) Rupaul's Drag Race seasons 1-13, plus all stars, plus international seasons (audio-visual) Muriels Wedding (audio-visual) The Best Man and The Best Man Holiday (audio-visual) Everything Kelly Ripa eats in a day (audio-visual) The moment in film, TV, or real life when a mom relaxes after a preparing a holiday meal (human behavior) The Mother Goose House in Hazard, Kentucky (architectural advancement) Garth Brooks, "Standing Outside The Fire" (audio) The moment when you're not sure if you should shake hands or hug (human behavior) Follow Katie! Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Check out our show and many hilarious other pods featured on Stitcher's first-ever Comedy Week! In-app or at Stitcherapp.com/comedy Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wow, here we are. Here we are in two separate spaces we're in two separate spaces once again states this is the first episode we've ever recorded in two separate

states that is so true well physical states i mean i think we've been in mentally different states for recordings okay when name a time um for for i almost picked a guest to pick on and be like i was really melancholy during that recording but then i was like i mean what a weird thing to do what a rude and horrible thing to do what an what an awful and uncalled for kind of i was in a pretty bad mood the whole time we talked to blank well how's chicago the windy city chicago is beautiful i mean the weather is chicago weather so of course it's cold um you know i'm having a lot of fun on this trip i went to kansas city briefly saw some friends and family i came to chicago um i got to fly first class again because i'm working and they do that and i gotta tell you i'm really starting to sympathize with the one percent i am i've flown

class like two times in my entire life and i am starting sympathize um i'm like sympathy it seems like more you're just understanding that they live a life of privilege more yeah well i feel like they're being very persecuted like people are really coming for the rich and i'm i'm really starting to get on their team okay so, so should we introduce our guest? I'm just saying, once you've flown first class two times for work and you can't afford it on your own, you really start, I'm like, you know, I'm really coming around. Well, you famously know what happened when my family went to Alaska. Oh, I thought this was an international trip.

It was only Alaska? You complain about this a lot for a domestic flight. It a really long flight do you know how far alaska is but tell the story please really quick now i won't now okay okay let's bring in our guests let's bring in our guests everybody we are so excited you know our guest today from uh mrs fletcher on HBO. You know her from Fargo on FX. Please make a bunch of sound wherever you are for Katie Kershaw. Katie, I'm going to tell the story, but I want you to know Alaska's a really far flight. Katie was gagging for that. I need, A, I have a lot of sympathy for the 1% as someone who's also flown first class.

And we can definitely dive into that. Right. But I need to know the Alaska. Alaska's got to be a far flight. I will say that. Yeah, it's like a 10-hour flight. No. Okay.

Yeah, I'm looking it up right now. It's a 10-hour flight. Okay. So Caleb came for me, but it's pretty far. Hey, hey, hey. You know what? I apologize. I was out of line. Thank thank you made me look like a real idiot you know my my ex was on an alaskan reality show so i do remember his flights being very long but please continue so and my mom's gonna listen to

this that's the worst part right and you don't ever complain about it. You bring it up sometimes as a joke, but I said you complain about it all the time. I'm not actually upset. But we were all flying from different states. So we met at an airport. And I already have my ticket for my second flight, which is the flight to Alaska. And I'm in seat 37A or something. And we're all looking at our tickets to see who's sitting with who.

And everyone's like, I'm 3B. I'm 2C. I'm 2A. And I said, is anyone in row 37? And they were like, no. These are my siblings. And my mom and dad told me, and they're divorced. We're traveling with my divorced parents.

It's already a weird trip. And they told me they got everyone first class seats except for me because they didn't think I'd want it. No, that's a lie. That's what they said. And I said, what do you mean? And they were like, I don't know. You don't like, we didn't think you would want it. And I said, well, let me clear that up.

I will always want to sit in first class. If I'm not paying, I will always want to sit in first class. First class is the most luxurious thing that's ever happened to me. Don't get us started. Don't get us started. I was so nervous the first time I flew first class that I kept my hands to myself and I didn't know where the tray was. So I just kind of like looked around and waited.

It's on the side. Yeah. It's secret. Like only the wealthy know where it is. Yeah. And so I'm just like sitting there and waiting for the person next to me to get his tray out. And he did.

And he was flying Chicago to LA obviously as well and he then like I guess could tell that I was very poor and nervous and gets his drink and he has his food and I'm like still trying to figure out how everything works trying not to bother anybody and he looks at me goes cheers oh it was so i so uncomfortable cheers i was like the whole trip kind of like doing weird walks up to first class i i travel alone constantly it's the only time i really fly anymore is by myself but i'm like walking up to just like ask my family questions. Like, how is everything? Are you guys having a good time? There was no room in first class to bump you up after you complained. And I didn't complain. To be clear. I just was like, Oh,

okay. I would have fully, fully complained in the most like passive way of like, yeah, you're right. I guess I should just want more for myself yeah I guess I'm glad that I give off that vibe that I wouldn't want that I know what I think I know what I deserve and I should be asking for more you're right yeah I start crying yeah absolutely my first ever first class flight was um a 12 or 13 hour flight from LA to London and listen the times I've flown international in the past, they've never been that long. And I've always flown like the cheapest imaginable flight because it's already expensive. Flying first class on an international flight is something that it was for work. Look, I can't afford this. I'm not rich. I'm kidding about being a pro rich

pod. But it is something you can even like to to katie you and i actually talked about this at the time yes yes i was like texting you in disbelief because you and i are both from uh from very humble beginnings and and i was like i was like katie they are tucking adults into bed they they pull out of bed for these grown men they give them pajamas and then they tuck them in like children it's insane the pajama aspect of it all is so fucked up yeah they come around the fight attendant comes around and goes the fight attendant comes around and goes and and they call you sir they call you mr heron whatever not not just me they call everyone mr heron and they go they call everyone mr heron right every single person they go. They call everyone Mr. Heron.

Right. Every single person. They go, do you and would you like PJs before your sleep? And I'm like, I am a grown up. I planned on wearing these clothes the entire flight. Actually, I planned accordingly. I wore sweatpants for that. I wore sweats, babe.

The way I look on a flight, like pants full of holes. It's like the idea of moving into pajamas after what I wear on a flight. It's like I'm in the most pajamas I've ever been in. Yeah. It'll be a step down. Yeah. I'm wearing my Liz Claiborne for the weekends sweatpants that I got at a thrift store. And I look good.

And I'm killing it. It's so funny to me that people used to like really dress up for flights. I mean, like in the beginning of planes, they would be like, this is an event. The plane is the event. And they would wear gowns and suits. I mean, my dad still wears suits on the plane, but that's because. That's wild. He's a weird man.

I want to start and maybe you guys will be interested in investing. I want to start a subs. Well, let me pitch. Hear my pitch, girl. I want to start a subscription-based airline. Hear me out. Now, this is an airline wherein the subscription is a little high. It's maybe like $150 a month, okay?

Or $100 a month. Okay. But what happens basically is... a good flight by the way what happens basically is you can get like 112 economy ticket but i don't know okay so it's a subscription based airline economy every time i fly i want to be clear oh see i don't even relate to that now that i've now that i've flown first class two times in my entire life i feel i'm bill gates practically um oh i could discuss the the small changes i've made after i've really tasted the top oh the way you sit up in your seat to watch other people walk by you you're like i wonder if they're wondering who i am it's like no no one cares the the first time i remember seeing that in first class went, oh yeah, I'm always going to pay for a group on Southwest now. Yeah, literally, literally that.

I flew. I do that now. Okay, your pitch. I'm in, I'm paying $150 a month. What does that do for me? What it does for you is your tickets, your tickets are, so if it's like a not full flight your tickets are free or cheap and then if it's like a more like popular flight like a holiday weekend or something you might have to pay a little bit extra but what it is is we're gonna set it up like a like a middle class plane

there are no middle class commercial planes it's all like you have to pay like eight or nine hundred dollars for first or business and then there's like the cheap economy that sucks you're squeezed in with people we're gonna set it up like a private plane couches chairs we're gonna make it comfy you choose who you sit with vibes it's gonna be it's gonna be like it used to be flying like people are gonna want to dress up because it's gonna be like a cocktail hour we're gonna have live music and no shelby is shelby is like truly staring me down to death right now so mad my fun idea the live music really got me to buy in if i give you guys free memberships to join will you join if it's free i'll join anything for free so you like it so you like a cult for free you would

join anything for free you would be associated with any group a cult for free. You would join anything for free? You would be associated with any group for free? I just said I would join a cult for free. Which one are you talking about? NXIVM? Sure. They were weird, right? Actually, I shouldn't reference that because I have no idea what they were about.

So that's actually not true. Didn't they just like have sex? I'm in. It's Kip or Neri. Shelby, it's so much more complicated than that. And I've seen two docu-series on it. Katie's pissed. So I'm saying right now if I'm joining a cult... It's NXIVM.

This is tough. It's not NXIVM. It's Heaven's Gate. There's still two members alive. I think I'm going there. Didn't people survive Jonestown? Is that the same thing? Like two people hid under beds very tragically.

Jonestown would have been wild. I love cults. I love documentaries. And baby, they go together so well. Didn't Jim Jones' son survive by just like running into the woods? They did not run into the woods. They were playing basketball in another town. Okay, iconic.

They had an outpost. Ball is literally life. Ball is literally life. Ball is life. Ball is life. Ball saves lives. Outpost in this other like bigger town and that's where some people lived and his sons were out playing basketball and those people i think they all killed each other in a much more dramatic fashion than the

kool-aid um but they were just like playing ball and then you know you know that the beginning of jonestown was fucking it dude you know it was a party cool fun before shit got weird it was just like we it was like literally what i want to do with my friends right it was like hey we should get a bunch of cool people together and go fuck in the woods it was hot but then you know it got a politician came to visit and they shot them or something and then everyone was like we can't leave yeah politician fully died not partially this is a full death we're referencing here we're we are discussing full i'm saying this without ever really knowing what he looks like i'm gonna google right now but is jim jones hot

no uh i would say he probably i'm gonna have to assume had a vibe because i think all cult leaders do imagine if he didn't imagine if he was ugly and boring and he just somehow pulled this like miracle off that's kind of the heaven's gate like leader i feel like there was no vibe there there was nothing but people were like yeah okay sure sure honestly there are celebrities like that currently i get it yeah um michael cera oh no he has a thing i think i saw him in a broadway play and the vibe was right the vibe oh my god you're into michaelera. I'm not into Michael Cera.

I'm into live theater, I guess. I do wonder if that's the first time that specific sentence has ever been said. I'm not into Michael Cera. I'm into... How often has that been confused for that? I understand you're like, oh, she's into Michael Starr.

No, no, no. I'm into live theater. I'm into live theater. Wait. Oh, my God. I almost forgot. Yeah. Yeah.

We have to ask you something. If we were sending new records into space. Okay. What would you put on them? Fuck. I wish I had known that you were gonna ask me this oh yeah that's the premise of the pod baby girl i'm sorry did we did we not tell you that we don't just shoot the shit about jim jones babe we gotta talk about the records well guess what my entire list? Cult leaders and Broadway hits. It's Michael Cera's three best films.

The number one thing I would put in on these records, it came to me right away. I wrote it right away, is the song and music video for Independence Day by Martina McBride. This goes so hard. Well, she seemed all right by dawn's early light. Though she looked a little worried and weak. She tried to pretend. Do you remember Martina's hair in this? Yes. Like, revolutionary short hair. Had so much body and volume. Not child version, though.

She had flat hair, really flat hair. The child did have very flat hair. really flat hair the child did have very flat hair very flat hair flattest i've ever seen the um the abused mother also had pretty flat hair yeah a lot of these country songs by women at this time were like they were saying some shit brutal brutal i mean but also my sister texted me this fun fact out of the blue yesterday the only country artist at lilith fair 99 yeah and i was like the chicks maybe and she was like uh-uh independence day martina Some folks whisper, some folks talk, but everybody looked the other way. They looked the other way, didn't they?

When time ran out, there was no one to back them up. Here we go. Here it comes. On an independent day. What? Fuck it. Lose it. Let freedom ring.

Hey. Right. Let the heart sing. Come on. If anybody in here doesn't know Jesus tonight. Now it's a good time to introduce yourself. Be strong. Here's the thing about that song.

I'd never seen the music video until yesterday when you sent this perfect list. Wow. I heard the song so many times. Caleb plays it in the house but i've never um he does seen the music video and i watched it yesterday and didn't i guess in all of the listens i've ever had i never realized it was a story of abuse i thought it was just a, you know, an anthem for America. Well, it is strongly a story of a woman who has been battered, burning down her home with her husband in it. Yeah. And the daughter just being at a parade. And being triggered. Like, talk about like understanding what being triggered is when

she sees two clowns fake fighting in the middle of the parade that's the first time i would say martina mcbride invented the new term triggering but i will say in domestic abuse there's only one clown and that's the abuser. Katie, I want the listeners to know, Katie is muffling her laughter so that I look like I'm alone. Katie is laughing so hard, but not allowing you, the listeners, to know it. So I look like I am alone on an island i mean that just sounds so much like there's only one clown in domestic abuse there's only one clown in the equation and that's the abuser

i mean it's just so much like high schoolers coming to the middle school to be like so pretty soon you're gonna start feeling some things you're gonna want to be in a relationship but we only believe in one thing and that sex is for the married

the married we had PSI in my school postponing sexual involvement where high schoolers came down that were clearly all fucking each other and they would be like I'm married. We had PSI in my school, postponing sexual involvement, where high schoolers came down that were clearly all fucking each other and they would be like, you need to save yourself for love. You need to save yourself

for another member of this org. A hundred percent. Truly. A hundred percent. Did either of you guys have, at your schools, a culture around purity rings no but thank you thank you i think it existed and i just wasn't involved in the car i was not invited to that table but i do believe that that conversation was being had we took a sharp turn

right into those like bracelets that meant what you'd done. Do you know what I'm talking about? There's like different colored rubber bracelets. You are much younger than me. And they meant what you had done. I never wore any of them. But that was the culture more so than it was purity rings. I was convinced that that culture was fake because I remember like my mom being like,

I saw the kids are wearing these bracelets. So I was was like absolutely never right no one would ever do that because i was famously a virgin for so long oh tell us right now on the pod when did you lose your virginity that is famous about you people are always talking about that oh my gosh in college and that's all we need to know was it okay that's all we need to know was it okay was it everything Everything about that situation was fine. Just, hey, just permissible. Passing.

Passing the best. Everything that happened that day, that night, the next day, fine. Fine. Absolutely fine. I love Martina McBride. I love Independence Day. I want to tell you, Shelby and I do have a personal experience with this song that I wish you were a part of, which is that we went for the week of the election this past year, the presidential.

We went to... Thank you. You're welcome. Didn't know. Didn't know. Student council. We went to Big Bear and stayed in a cabin for the whole week. And then we happened to be coming back on Saturday, which happens to be when the election results

really like shored up and everybody was like, it's going to be Biden. But more importantly, it's not going to be Trump. And driving down the mountain to come back to LA, we were just playing like the most like patriotic songs you could think of being like obnoxious. But when Independence Day came on, we were really like windows down, likeming we're and then after that all i do is win by dj college like five times

in a row like five times in a row it was like a neoliberal like wet dream in that car we were really like just letting ourselves be taken away oh it was hot's day means so much to me because 90s country was kind of all i had because our tv provider in my hometown i did not have vh1 i did not have mtv but i did have cmt exactly you did thank you for saying and so and i loved the art of music videos then and now so i would just sit unless it like unless it was sunday my great granny had vh1 i'd watch it after church but most of the time truly every day i would check in with cmt and watch the videos and independence day every day every time and then 15 videos by garth brooks did you at that age out of curiosity um have a really big crush on the hot cop that the girl runs to when

she when the house is on fire because immediately i said whoa hot cop what's up with that was a hot cop but i feel like my crushes lied elsewhere but oh a cab got it yeah yeah yeah yeah so like i had a really hard time yeah yeah yeah oh because i. I had a hard time with that cop because I watched it and I was like, cop, where were you before this moment? Yeah. Right. See, that's a really, really, really good point. Yeah.

But he really did stop her and then, like, held her. And I was like, wait, hot cop. He should adopt her. He's a hot cop. We might be the only pro-wealthy but anti-police podcast it's a really niche place yeah we're carving it out now garth brooks caleb's gonna go in on this and caleb's a real garth head i'm a big garth head same and garth is on my list i think standing outside the fire the song and vid are on my list.

They call them fools. He's such a theatrical person. He puts on a fucking show. There's going to be new music from Chris Gaines. I think I said that to you already, Caleb. Oh, yeah, babe. They're so hell-bent on giving, walking a wire, convinced it's not living if you stand outside the bar. All right, we're about to get some chorus action here. Standing outside the bar.

Huh, huh. Standing outside the bar. Life is not what? Life is not tried. it's merely surviving you're standing outside the right yeah katie this is an incredible addition i feel thank you we just bought a fire pit so we're feeling we're feeling even more we're always outside the fire now. Well, I'm away, but Shelby's outside the fire constantly. I feel like if you didn't know anything about us as a people, as a civilization, and you heard standing outside the fire, you would say these people persevere.

These people love. These people keep going. And these people can write us all. And these people can be hurt by fire. I think that would be a little bit of a takeaway. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. They can be. And they will kind of test that limit

as many times as they possibly can. Well, and if you bookend it with Independence Day, sort of a big fire presence towards the end of that song, a story about how people can be hurt by fire. I was legitimately into fire as a child and i'm kind of seeing some themes here you know there are there are a few things that if kids do them you're supposed to be worried about them becoming serial killers thought being into fire is one isn't it pyromaniac i think so is it okay i love fire i do too and

katie you you're not a serial killer are you no i'm not oh hesitation hate to hear it hate to hear hesitation this episode will go down as the time we interviewed a serial killer katie do you think do you think you could get away with murder honestly a hundred percent no there is absolutely no way you don't think you have like the knowledge or you don't think you could keep it to yourself what's the deal here i think it would kind of just like eat away at me i think do i think i could like probably clean it up well yeah because i love cleaning but i don't think a housewife a housewife being like no i could clean it up i could clean any mess the fact that i'm not a housewife is so fucked up because i'd be so good at it and i truly would love it like i would love to be a housewife not on like the real housewives franchise love

watching them don't want to be one of them i sort of want to be in indiana bloomington oh my god i literally in my mind was like bloomington indiana that was what i immediately went to because it's liberal yes it's like kind of got a hub but we're kind of still like in a state that everyone hates which is kind of like my mo as a kentucky and like kind of being like i will prove you wrong in indiana i want three to five children. Okay. Okay. I'm driving them to school. Okay. This is kind of my vibe too. I'm coaching sports.

I don't know the rules. Oh, I know the rules. Yeah. Oh, I know the rules. But to kill someone, I don't think I could actually kill someone. I could clean it up. I think I could probably get away with it.

It's just like the guilt would suck and the act of killing someone I just don't think is for me you hit someone with your car you have kids so you have a family okay uh-huh you hit someone with your car they die they're dead on impact you know there's no chance of saving them like yeah you're checking the pulse and you're like even if i called an ambulance nothing you had been you had been texting right before and you know that they'll find the records of that when you go to court yeah are you cleaning it up and burying that or are you calling the

police on yourself and sort of turning yourself in and letting your kids grow up without a mother i'm going to call the police because i think at the end of the day unfortunately i probably would get away with that one i really do i feel like they would yeah kind of just feel really bad for me because i did hit a kid when i was in high school oh now that's interesting and that gave you a rush and you've been doing it ever since or what's the i did hit a kid and i know for a fact i can get away with it this is why i think they would just be like just ma'am go so when i was in high school i was like dying to drive and as soon as i got my license i wanted to drive and my dad was like you can go to dairy queen and get everyone a blizzard

take your stepbrother's car so i take his ultima that had like truly like blacked out windows go get blizzards and on my way home i'm like hmm I should drive past my crush's house. I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to slowly drive past. Driver's license, the song. This is driver's license, the song. Oh, yes. I just heard about the song this morning. Anyway, so I drive past my crush's house. He lived in like the subdivision over. And so I should not have been going this way, but I was like, I can do it. I drive past. past i'm going so slow i still drive famously very slowly drive past and this kid they were like angled driveways this kid's on a scooter he wasn't supposed to be in and he like crashes into my car and i'm going and he like huh he hit you he hit

you he hit you he pretty much did but he hit a woman i had thank you and that makes him the clown there's only one con in this situation and it's the one who hit a woman that child on his scooter but like everyone's freaking out and my blizzards are melting i don't even know if i had a cell phone i don't know how my dad even came to the scene. But I was freaking out so much that people stopped paying attention to the boy on the ground. Like he was

fully alone to a point and his parents came up and they were like it's fine. We hit him all the time. Truly, truly. I was hit by a car while i was on foot freshman year of high school and oh it's okay that can be powerful though that can be powerful it certainly can be it wasn't but it could have been but it um was hit by a car with two friends and we were just

leaving and this is just like my stupid brain. We were just leaving lunch with like other people. And I got so worried that they wouldn't know what happened. So I, and mind you, after I went to the hospital, I wasn't allowed to walk for like a month. What? I walked back to the lunch place, kind of covered in blood, not really all my own. And I'm like, guys, there was an accident. And then I left because the ambulance was coming.

And I didn't give enough detail, but I gave enough where they knew something bad had happened, but not enough where they were like, everything's okay. And it spurned these insane rumors that i had to like clear up but it was such a weird feeling because i was clearing up these rumors that like they were like she flew through three windshields and i was like well that's not true that being said like you should still feel bad for me something bad did happen wow i i have met a lot of people in my short, short, extremely short life. Right, you're young. We got it.

I don't think I've ever met someone who, as much as Shelby James Wolstein, will out of nowhere, you'll know her for years. And out of nowhere, she'll be like, well, of course, you guys all remember the time that someone strapped a bomb to my chest and made me rob a bank. And everyone in the room will have known her for years and be like, I'm sorry, bitch. And she'll be like, oh, yeah, I was in Mozambique. And I got captured by a gang of men. And then she just goes on and tells this story. And then she'll be like, yeah, so anyway, I walked home. It's like the most like I don't know anyone who has more stories like this. You know this story, though.

I've told you this. I know. I'm just saying it's like there's always a new one. And by the way, I didn't remember this. Oh. And one time I drove with expired tax for like two months. That's kind of my equivalent. Katie!

Wait, do you want to know the funniest part about that accident? Yes. So I wasn't walking. So I was kind of my equivalent. Katie. Wait, do you want to know the funniest part about that accident? Yes. So I wasn't walking. So I was kind of just like in bed. And it was AIM culture. The dream, by the way. So I'm AIMing. Yeah, big time.

So I'm on AIM. And people kept asking what was going on. So I had like sort of a script. Like I would just copy and paste what I had already said so that I didn't have to keep typing it. I was like, yeah, this is the deal whatever and this girl that I didn't know that well from a different school that like I'd met out before like at a party but I didn't really know her was like why are you home like I'm homesick and I was like yeah like copy and paste and send it over and she was like what intersection and I was like no, no, um, Fairmount circle, like Fairmount and the,

the circle. And she was like, no way. Was this like, and she names a day. And I was like, uh, yeah. And she was like, my dad needs to call you. And her dad was the guy who hit me. And he called me to make sure I wouldn't sue. Did you get money from him no i didn't sue you should have just been like i won't sue but can i have like i won't sue this won't be on the record but what did you say katie what did you tell her to ask for katie you say a grand am yeah honey a car i'm not gonna see but can i? I mean, remember, I'm so poor and nervous that I didn't know how to act in first class. Yeah, the furthest I'm going to dream is a Pontiac Grand Am.

Oh, I'm not going to sue you. Why wouldn't I just ask for that in cash? I'm not going to sue you, mister, but you will be buying me a 1997 Dodge Neon. And I don't want to hear another word about it. Do you remember the Saturn? Yeah, I think I'm going to want a Saturn. What's the cheapest car on the lot? I'm going to be whipping that around.

I'm not even old enough to drive. 100%. I was like 13, 14. Katie, I wanted to ask you, what is the next thing you would put on your record? Okay, I'm gonna go straight to Kelly Ripa's Harper's Bazaar video. Thank you.

I'm Kelly Ripa, and this is everything I eat in a day. Okay, here I go. I wake up in the morning. Okay, just so you know, she has zero chewable food before she's on air. Not before I talk on the air. So I don't have any sort of chewing food before I talk on the air. That's crazy because I'm eating a taco as we record right now.

She lacks any of awareness of like how absolutely inhuman this diet is. She's sort of pitching it like we should all be eating this way and it makes no fucking sense. She has her get off your ass at Daily Greens. She has coffee with ghee and that's kind of it. And then she's on air. And after that, she makes a porridge,

which is just kind of like, I can't even remember what, it's like almond butter and apples. And she like drinks that yeah and that is my first chewable food of the day i work out so she has two chewable meals a day and those are salads she goes through like every two years her diet doesn't change she's like for a while she's really into avocado toast and she kind of you can tell she misses that when she talks about it at the end. And she pitches, she pitches, we all get avocado toast from the same avocado toast restaurant in Manhattan. And they have one

at Cafe Chiton downtown. It's delicious. If you have the opportunity to have their avocado toast, I would take that opportunity. Yeah. She's like, that's kind of the only place you can go. But she's like, I'm not a monster. If it's Christmas, I will have a cookie. If it's my birthday, I'll have cake. And throughout the day, I will have handfuls of nuts, of almonds, of cashews.

I never eat more than a handful, but I have several handfuls a day. But I'll never eat more than a handful but i have several handfuls a day but i'll never have more than a handful i'll have never more never more the door but never more than a handful i think if if if an alien life form were to see this video they would go we're not fucking with that planet yeah that planet's fucked up and crazy fucking scary in it and i can watch it and listen to it like it's my favorite song because she's so utterly unhinged in it i love i have a passion for it i can't stand hearing somebody who's who tells us about like their budgeting of cookies and things like when someone's like oh of course i budget like a thanksgiving extra piece of turkey i'm like do you know how small of a deal it is for me to have a cookie?

I don't even register it. Sometimes I'm having a cookie and I don't even know how I got it. I don't even like, I just like, I blacked out and I'm eating a cookie. I have no, I come to with a cookie fully in my mouth. The difference between you and Kelly Ripa is that she only eats the same thing every day for two years

and she doesn't believe in cheats, doesn't believe in them. I try not to have that many cheat meals because cheat meals leads to sort of like a cheat lifestyle. She doesn't believe in cheats doesn't believe in them i try not to have that many cheat meals because cheat meals leads to sort of like a cheat lifestyle she doesn't believe in cheats i really thought you were gonna be like i really thought you were gonna go so hard on me and be like yeah the difference between you and kelly rippa and then and then say something to me like she's them oh my god the difference between dedication the difference is she has willpower and she looks amazing the difference kelly rippa has a long-lasting tv career

the difference is that she works in tv and she looks it guys i'm gonna get off here this is me this is me doing show me i'm gonna get off here because now i'm pissed off she's like really upset that i criticized the diet. She loves the diet. Oh, I don't know. I would just call that really great discipline. I would call that probably a doctor. Probably a doctor talked to her about it before she did the nutritionist. That is so funny.

She's like, and all of you eat what you can now because I can't, I'm too old. I can't eat those things that I like or want. You know, if you're younger, enjoy that aspect of your life. But at my age now, I find that it takes too much effort to get ready. So I just stay ready, if that makes any sense. How old is she? 45? Wouldn't it be crazy if we found out she was 80 and we would be like the diet works she's 85 she's 85 i feel like she's the kind of like thin person that like like honest to god cannot see me like i do not register as like a person she's like what are those shapes moving

like she thinks my body is a bouncy house you hire for children she sees a fat person and her body just goes like cold she can't like register even the the heat of your presence it's like it's like when in in predator when you when they cover themselves in mud like she can't register a body covered in cellulite she's exactly 50 wow she's 50. That's crazy, Shelby. You know who looks better? J-Lo, also 50. So I'm just trying to put women down. I just want to put women down. You're pitting women against each other. I can call. Do you guys want me to call J-Lo?

I can call J-Lo and ask her about her diet. J-Lo's on the records already. No worries. One second here. We're sorry. The number you have reached is not She can't talk right now she's busy uh but i do know for a fact she eats uh really really fun she eats really fun stuff she eats subway sandwiches kfc she loves buffalo wings that's fine yeah she loves berry chantilly cake

from whole foods um caleb's naming his own diet caleb thinks he's jlo okay have you ever seen us in the same room no but that doesn't do anything okay katie also i love the the kind of uh energy of all of our spaces actually shelby's being very professional katie's like playing with her dog playing with her necklace i'm eating folia taco we my necklace fell apart and i i'm such a professional i did not say anything about it i fixed it with my teeth put it back on and kept going did you hear that hollywood book her now that katie and i are in a huge fight i think we should uh probably throw to a break really quick. Hey, you guys.

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first ever comedy week in the app or at stitcher app.com backslash comedy keeping records is so excited to be a part of this caleb and shelby are so gay and so well caleb's really gay shelby um you know it's a journey for everybody uh you guys check out comedy week on stitcher again they're celebrating our show plus some other hilarious podcasts for april fools no tricks just the treat of listening to keeping records and many more all for free on stitcher. Also, check out their curated homepage to find your next comedy pod obsession. If you're on your phone, you can download Stitcher, which you should do, by the way. That would be hot.

That would be cute. That would be queer. It's queer to download apps in your app store. Or you can go to stitcherapp.com backslash comedy to learn more about Comedy Week on Stitcher. Welcome, Bark. Welcome, Bark. slash comedy to learn more about comedy week on stitcher welcome bark welcome we need to get a sound for that welcome bark see i was sort of hoping that i was sort of hoping that by saying it with you this time yeah that would spell its end oh well shall we do you want to introduce the next segment we're gonna play this or that whoa this or that it's been so long since we've played this or that they're kind of stressful to write them so that's why we haven't done it as much

just so the listeners know yeah we tried to ask for them, but we didn't get much in return. I will say, if any of the listeners are people who responded, we put out an Instagram story asking for them. You guys did give some really lame ones. Someone submitted sleeping or being awake. It's like, guys, we got to have a little bit of an edge here. So Katie, the way this is going gonna work is we're going to it's rapid fire speed round we're going to go back and forth reading um two things you got to choose between them really quick and then um there really is no way to win or lose but just do a good job if you can okay i'll try yeah i'm gonna i'm

gonna yep speed is the name of the game and the clock starts now your first question is driving but just do a good job if you can. Okay, I'll try. Yeah, I'm gonna, yep. Speed is the name of the game and the clock starts now. Your first question is driving really fast or walking really slow? Walking really slow. Two big shoes or two small shoes? Two big. Shania Twain or Faith Hill? Shania.

M&M's or M&M? Plain M&M's? M&M's? If it's plain M&M's, I'm going with M&M. If it's peanut, it's another story, but I guess I'm going M&M's? M&M's? If it's plain M&M's, I'm going with M&M. If it's peanut, it's another story, but I guess I'm going M&M. Okay, hypersensitive taste or hypersensitive hearing? Taste. Thelma or Louise?

Fuck. Thelma. Cheat and be caught or be cheated on and never be told? What? Okay, go. Cheat, cheat, i'm gonna cheat mountain dew or morning dew mountain dew ghost in the closet ghost in your closet or monster under your bed closet constantly itchy or constantly sticky last one new year's or

halloween oh new year's halloween sucks and that's it i can't wait to isolate the audio of katie yelling i'm gonna cheat i want that i want that as i want that as a clip oh man that one really like oh wow i've never actually had such a negative response we've done some stupid ones but Katie truly said what is wrong with you guys got so mad cheat on or be cheated on I just started sweating in a way which means

I have so many relationship issues to work through it's disgusting and um not me I'm perfectly healthy when we were on the break we asked Katie what she would want to do we said do you want to be high stress or do you not want to be high stress and she said whatever you want and and it took a turn when we picked stressful i mean it's just it's it's who i am it's just how it goes. It's how it goes. And I'm a sticky person that cheats.

That's what we found out. That's just the way it is. Well, you should want to be sticky more than itchy. Itchy is so much worse than sticky. Katie. Something will never be the same. What else would you put on your records? What else would I put on my records?

Yeah, be honest. This is a big one for me. And I think probably maybe only me i i would put um a cup of coffee that's held by a keynote speaker at a hotel conference so the paper cup yes because okay here's the thing i love when you see a keynote speaker walk in somehow they always look like they've been rushed to get to that moment so they're always in their own town yes the whole reason they're here they've been rushed to get here and they haven't had the time to drink that coffee they've never had time to drink the coffee they always

bring it on stage with them and they came they come on and they're holding it and there's always like a moment of just like oh so if we're looking at our projections for them, I was going to say they always take that first step like mid-word. Yes, yes. They do a little dance. And they have to do the dance of like, hold on. I'm obsessed with it. And it becomes another part where they're like,

so if we're going to sit back and actually I have one more point. Like they're like like i care about this conference so much i'm not gonna take a drink like there's so much you can communicate right with that cup of coffee we can blow on it it can warm us like everything about that cup of coffee is a full ass personality if we're getting like for real i think it's a way a keynote speaker is not alone on stage yes well and they and they love to they love to do like like real i think it's a way a keynote speaker is not alone on stage yes well and they and they love to they love to do like like all i have is a bottle of water for example and i guess maybe we just have to release this clip of video because it's gonna be but they

love to be like now now what does anyone make of that and then take a drink and like point at who they're gonna talk part of that is like then they like have a reason to be silent for a minute i feel like right it's also always there's also always we all have our little cups there's also always the like they are having trouble getting their mouth off of it like they have to like pry themselves off of it oh it's like the yeah there's that there's a and if we're going forward the audio of this right now is so useless by the way about all the listeners listening to this they're just gonna be like what i mean have fun imagining it i guess guys i don't know because there's always it's like that like

like a scene it's like a love scene in a movie where they like are leaving the they're in a physical space together one of them's leaving and they like are trying to get the last kiss in and they're like pulling apart that's a keynote speaker in their coffee there i mean i did write a full-ass poem once when i was a little bit high to that cup of coffee um that's a real thing i have there's just so much personality to it physically with you it's on twitter um there's something so another thing can i say another thing i'm gonna listen to i'm supposed to be wait wait to be of course you can do whatever you want this is your record we're listening so fucking thank you for finally saying it um so just like the coffee cup the moment when you don't know

if you should shake hands or hug, like that is the same tension to me. And that's what I love. The most confident people in the world, if you want to break them down, go for a hug when they're trying to go for a handshake. Oh, yeah. Their body, their physical response gives me everything. It gets me off.

I love it. I'm obsessed comes those uncomfortable moments she comes to that so kovid's been hard for you because there's been really i i drove across the country um as the both of you knew brag big brag and still continue to know i did drive um but being able to stay being able to stay in hotels and have horrible interactions with people oh yeah was like getting high like i stayed at a hotel in kansas city which i love which part what hotel 21c i love the reason i ask is because i was just in a hotel in kansas and wouldn't it be crazy if we were in the same hotel anyway go on you were

at a hotel in kin city yes at a 21c kentucky kind of hotel chain so i kind of have to give it up for a 21c highly recommend them but the 21c the front desk uh employees were phenomenal and they loved to fucking chat oh sure it was painfully uncomfortable and i could have stayed there for weeks just having chit chat about a dog that's being fostered tell me more tell me i love that i love i mean there's nothing that you know what really pisses me off in the same regard to this is i i always am so intentional i learned this from my mom like i just watched her do this with people my mom has never ever gotten immediately to business with somebody if we are at a cash register if she's on the phone with somebody

she always is like she always is like they'll be like hi my name is gina how can i help you and she'll be like hey gina how's your day going and i always do that i always try to like have a moment of human interaction before we get down to like what i need from you but i know that people have call times and they have to like be quick about their shit but some people are so rude to you they'll like they'll be like like i had someone straight up ignore me the other day i was like hey gina how's it going and they're like hi my name is gina how can i help you they just repeated their line and i was like oh did you hear me and she said yeah how can i help you and i said i don't know if you can meanwhile when caleb and i drive through starbucks anytime we ask them how they are they're always like oh uh good yeah that's like oh it's it's such a beautiful moment my mom is

the exact same way when i was in college i like hated fast but anything and like the bursar office like what is that what is that word why do i still know it right and my mom would do a lot of that stuff for me at that time and she would call me and she's like you're going to talk to janet her daughter's actually majoring in theater at western so you should talk she's a hilltopper she's a heel topper so bring that up to her she's gonna because i and i told her that you used to do speech team there i told her about that time that you got hit in the head with an umbrella and had a mild concussion so she's ready to talk to you and i'm like thank god she knows about that thank god that'll help with the process i'm sure

i might get a scholarship from that yes yes so yes. So yeah, I was raised with that energy. Every trip to the store with any member of my family always took 45 minutes minimum, no matter what it was. Because my mom would just hear somebody be like, I don't know which can of beans to get. And she'd be like, I'll tell you right now, you're going to want to get the kidney. Like, no matter what it is.

Yeah, I think we've talked about this. And Shelby, I might have told you this. But when I go to the store with my grandma for the holidays it's nuts to go in hy-v with this bitch because she will literally be like she'll be like hey david do you are you getting pie crust for shelly okay well you know she's not gonna want that kind come here let me come on honey come on come on come on i'll show you and she's like walking david around the store now by the way he's 57 like this isn't like a young man like it's like holding court it's like such a funny it's so funny my mom on the other hand will run into someone that i've met once in my life and call me and be like you won't guess who i'm with

and she's like do you remember being pulled over sophomore year of high school? And I'm like, sure. She's like, the police officer. I'm with him. He let you go. And I'm like, yeah, no, thank him again for that. That was really awesome. Did you need something?

And then she'll put them on the phone. And then I'm always like, hey. So if you want to give the phone back to my mom. Oh, God, this is going to my mom. Oh, this could be over. Hey, good to hear. What's your general age and view on the world? Hey, what was your name? Officer. Officer. So if you could go ahead and give the phone back to my mom, I don't have much to say to you. Oh, God, that's hell and beautiful i never was like arrested for anything but i would

be caught for like being out past curfew or like some bullshit of cleveland and i bullshit of cleveland um bullshit of cleveland t-shirt we all know it um drew but if my parents got called by the police they would never come pick me up like their whole thing was let her sleep in the station. And they were always like, well, no, she certainly has to go home. And I got caught, like we got caught having a party at my friend's house while her parents were out of town. And so we all had to like not sleep there anymore. And my parents were like, well, we're not coming to get her. So, and my friend's dad had to pick me up. Him and his wife had to pick up my friend and then they took her car home also. So I drove alone in the car with her dad while she drove alone with her mom and her dad drove me home. And he was so pissed off because his daughter was just charged. And I was like, so how's your night like what are you gonna talk

what is there to talk about i sat in the back i didn't need to but i was like there's no way in hell i'm sitting in the front did you um did you catch the calves game or you big calves guy no okay i'll shut up i'll just shut up how up. How was the drive-in? Was it stressful? Anytime I was, like, alone car ride with, like, someone else's father, not when we were dating, but just, like, for whatever reason, if I'm, like, just alone with a random father. Not when you were dating the father? Right. But, just kidding.

Exactly correct. Never dated a father. But, like, I just remember in high school, like, if, like, friends' dads had to give me a ride they were just always blasting the soundtrack to oh brother where art thou like regardless of anything else it was just like maybe it was a kentucky thing but it was like i was gonna say that's kentucky it was just like blast oh brother didn't want to chat either, man. Whatever. All right, go nuts, dude. Yeah, like just nonstop. Katie, I want to ask you, we'll have time.

We're coming towards the end of our time together, which makes me want to throw up and die. But I want to ask you. She'll come over like next week, dude. Right, right, right. Not that big of a deal. What is something in all of humanity that you think is so embarrassing? We should delete it from the records and before your answer we should tell you it doesn't have to be the big stuff

it doesn't have to be war famine starvation poverty which is just another word for famine it doesn't have to be it can just you know it can just be something smaller okay i've kind of thought about this and I'm like really torn between two things. Delete them both. Delete them both. That's what we're here for. Okay. This is business.

The first one is popcorn reading. Oh, Shelby can probably definitely get on board with that. Yeah, I'm dyslexic. I bet that shit drove her crazy. Same. As a dyslexic, do you think that's's gonna make me focus up i'm skimming the entire chapter for words i don't know horrible i'm not focusing i have no any book that was popcorn read during school don't know it i have no idea and and i'm not listening to whoever's reading i'm

reading ahead to make sure that when i read it it's not the first time i'm trying to get through it so i could be like oh yeah i've read this chapter and it's not the first time i'm trying to get through it so i'd be like oh yeah i've read this chapter and then when it gets to me i'm trying to prove a point so i'm reading as fast as i possibly can and you're trying to read it like you're trying to read it it needs to be as fast or faster than everybody else you need to hit all the right like emphasis on the right words like you're trying so hard it's like they basically put a gun to your head and they're like perform it's like so sick well no that's it it's like it's like they basically put a gun to your head and they're like perform it's like so sick well no that's it it's like it's not just focusing it's every kid just sitting at their desk like

the entire time except for like one fucking nerd who's like i've got it that that was me i did love i loved popcorn reading you're such a weird student popcorn caleb i would always like that one person i'm like i know c Caleb's got it. So I read one sentence. As an adult, I'm like, if I was a teacher, I would never. You know what I mean? Like as a fourth grader who liked reading, I was like, let's do it. But it's so stressful to

any kid who doesn't feel exactly that way. I can't imagine why it's a good idea. There's also this thing on TikTok that's like popcorn singing. I think I told this to tiktok that's like popcorn singing i think i told this to but it's it's like it's good you like popcorn duet i don't even have a tiktok but like it i do and i don't know it'll be a song it'll be a song sure so say it's um so instead of singing the song i would sing sing every other word and Caleb would sing the

other. So it would be like, I've got my. No, you wouldn't even say my. It's I've got my ticket for the long way around. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it this way. Shelby, you do it.

Let's do that song. Shelby, you go. Then I'll go. Then Katie goes. Okay. Shelby, start. Okay. I.

Got. My. Ticket. For. The. Long. See, I love. I actually do love that Katie said. ticket for the long I actually do love that Katie said Katie said I hate popcorn so much

I want to delete it from humanity and we said cool here let's popcorn let's popcorn a song together I don't know the song oh it's Anna Kendrick you don't know from Pitch Perfect I'm a I've never seen Pitch Perfect fucking soon.

Oh, I will. You'll be hearing from my lawyers. Okay, what was your second thing? And our lawyers together, both of our legal teams, you don't stand a chance. Incredibly non-existent. I know I don't. Okay, my second thing I would delete is I think i've really vented to the two of you about this which it's people who were thumbs only oh yeah you do hate this you hate this i know

caleb you're upset about it you're upset that i hate this no no i want you to also hates it i do too i want you to explain it to the i want you to explain it to the fans they need to know you're so it's kind of like when i would say it's predominantly male even though i've seen other people do it it's men who do thumbs only into their pockets into their like jean pockets it just is such a non-committal weak cowardly action what do you think these are beta males they're pussies they're cowards they would never go to war they cannot fuck me i'll say that absolutely not well maybe i don't know it's been a long time maybe she's a well maybe yeah so if there's just something about it, like, as soon as I see it, I'm like, what do you stand for?

Anytime. Because my guess is nothing. What do you think the, like, so most human behavior is, like, going to be, like, it's like an insecurity born or, like, something like that. Like, what do you think it is that the thumb only does for them? Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, I think it's a security blanket. It's an adult way of sucking your thumb like i really do feel like i'm going hard on people and i've probably done it before and not realized it but no i ever see you thumb onlying thumbing oh you're i call it you're i call it thumbing if i ever see you there's just... Unless you're doing a line dance, there's some spaces where I will say it's okay.

Boot scootin' buggy. Do you like it the same? What? No, no, keep singing. Do you like it the same, better, or... Do you know what sucks? That made me think of SpongeBob. See, I thought you were going to tell me.

Spongebob. Because Sandy sings that in Spongebob at one point. She talks about being from Texas. I really can't stand Spongebob culture. I know. But I don't think I have a Spongebob culture. I just liked the show growing up. You don't have Spongebob vibes.

I think that's cool. I mean, do I know some of the quotes? Yeah. of the quotes yeah yeah yeah you're like slowly walking it back you're like i don't think having a tattoo of squidward means that i'm spongebob culture i think that do i know some of the i like the show i don't think i'm spongebob culture my my kitchen is krabby patty themed but i wouldn't but it's not like because of Spongebob it's just because I like the aesthetic they aesthetically created something beautiful I don't think that I'm it's also funny to say I'm not Spongebob culture not not I'm not participating in it I don't think I am a Spongebob culture I am not Spongebob culture I'm not Spongebob culture. I'm not Spongebob culture. Do I have the outfit? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I do some cosplay, but that's not me being Spongebob culture. Did I learn the clarinet? Yes. Was that to get closer to Squidward? Yes. Am I Spongebob culture? Was that to get closer?

When we just keep saying Spongebob culture, all I can see is like a 19 year old boy in spongebob pajama pants going to like some sort of sad college class that's so heinous what you just said is so heinous because can you see it do you know exactly i can see it it's like the guy in my like uh gen ed biology class sophomore year who would sit behind me and be like this guy's fucking bullshit it's like oh yeah we all agree it's a gen ed you freak go home he doesn't want to be here we don't want to be here but put some pants on that's so funny for us to take that stance yeah anyway i'm not spongebob culture you're not spongebob culture you're not you're not that culture and then we fly in rags we say we say everyone else needs to put some pants on but we fly in robes yes because that is fly i think that is that's flying etiquette that is

poor millennial fly uniform thank you pajama pants to a gen ed is incel culture. Exactly. Exactly. It's a respect thing. It's disrespectful to wear nice clothes on a plane because it makes everyone who's being comfortable feel worse about themselves. Whereas when you go to class, it's a respect thing. Everyone's kind of paying a lot of money to be there. Let's go ahead and put on some pants.

Dress up. My mom and grandma did sit me down before I went to college and they were like, please do not be like your sister my sister star student she is the child you want i love my sister she's my best friend but i guess they thought she wore pajamas to class how would they know this they never followed her around when she was in college two and a half hours away but they were like please do not do that just brush your hair put on real clothes and don't pod which is my mom's phrase for perfume over dirt which is when you don't shower yeah my god that's so funny yeah the old tops and tails so yeah she always says don't pod that is so funny katie we need to ask you what uh we have a little bit of time here at the end do you want to rapid fire some of the

things we weren't able to get to it's up to you yeah of course okay um let's see we've got rupaul's drag race seasons 1 through 13 plus all stars plus international seasons who's your favorite queen of all time who's your favorite queen of all time um honestly probably raja okay i support yep season three um uh muriel's wedding one of my favorite movies watch that for the first time yesterday it's so good it is so good also okay i thought you disagreed yeah i'll be crazy yeah that's crazy good so what's next it's such a good movie it's it is also young young young young tony collette young thick tony collette is so hot in that movie it's insane she does she gets hot at the beginning she's her energy isn't hot i'm a bride oh god the movie is so good um then i put the best man and then the sequel, None of Us Asked For or Deserved, but we all

needed Best Man Holiday. Thank you. After that, I have The Moment a Mom Relaxes After a Big Holiday Meal. Because I love that sit. Like, you see a mom just go, oh. That relief, that sigh, I think that's beautiful it's so beautiful earnest do you like the earnest relief or the relief that's like sort of asking for praise in that moment love both because i love when you catch them not being watched but i love that like

definitely like you sit down just like i pooped like asking so that people will be like but it's good but good job mom thank you so much you've spent the whole day like like mom let me do let me let me grab that dish why don't you sit down why don't you go why don't you grab your plate first like you've spent the whole day trying to and she refuses and then at the end of the day she's like oh I can't keep doing this every year then it's like we're asking you not to babe yes girl why he's like i need help doing all this i've been christmas shopping since last year december 26th i can't keep it up i'm not hosting next year i'm not hosting next year someone else is hosting next year she's like well i'm the only one with room yeah so i guess i'm hosting again

your your aunt kimberly wants to host but she she only has a table for four people are you fucking kidding me i'll host i'm hosting have you tasted her stuffing i think not um your grandma will have a field day you're great i'll have to bring my own stuffing and then what i have to transport food too i don't just cook it i I got to transport it. That's even worse. And then the last thing, this was kind of a last minute because it's kind of, it's still really fresh for me. And it's kind of sad to talk about. Yeah, I'm sorry. My hometown has a very famous building. It's been featured on Oprah, as I shared with you guys called the Mother Goose. It is a home shaped like a goose you're being so strong how about mother goose when you get a gander of this house in hazard kentucky you might think you've gone quackers but it really is a mother goose house complete with egg-shaped windows it's been a fixture here for nearly 60 years you might think you've gone quackers. So funny. The story goes that a man and his family were having their Christmas goose,

and he looked down at the carcass of the goose, and then at his wife and said, I'm going to make you a house that looks like a goose. And he did it. Well, men so rarely follow through on their promises. I think this is a huge victory for men well something bad happened this week two weeks ago a two weeks ago they said you know what we need to do a go fund me for the goose's neck no one had discussed the goose's neck issue i was

home i visited the goose many times very close to my house i went to paradise pizza next to the goose a few times the goose's head kind of out of nowhere fully fell off crazy and it looks like it's been decapitated and it is terrifying crazy and you're not handling it well you've been in a really dark place i think i've been really dark and thank you for reaching out that really did mean a lot to me of course did you get the flowers did you get the flowers no i haven't gotten did you send them straight to the goose oh yeah we thought maybe you had gone home to see them yeah yeah we figured you'd be there because the goose needed you but yeah it was kind of like as a memorial thing yeah we sent them to the goose it's a tricky time to fly and okay i want to be there oh i just flew okay well maybe i'll start driving home today yeah you can get there you can get there by the time the new

head's installed if it's not repaired i legit don't know what i'm gonna do in my entire career is focused on funding a rebuild that's like i'm absolutely shifting focus to a rebuild of the goose which it's gotta be not that expensive right crazy crazy to think it would take an entire career i think in like one good month of work you could probably fix fix the goose's head right hey katie i think we can we can pool money just the three of us and probably fix the goose's yeah i think you guys really believe it's that easy to fix the goose. We will. It's not that we think it, you know, there's a certain amount of love that we definitely

want, you know, to be included in the process. But I do think the actual building process won't cost a lot of money. It'll cost a lot of like emotional labor for sure. Yeah, that's going to be hard. But physical labor and financial, I think we're square okay i don't know let's kind of read offline and we'll figure out yeah yeah is there anything that you want to plug or where can people find you plug myself in the goose um my instagram is this ishaw and i think my twitter is maybe that i don't know my twitter is maybe katie new shoes it is katie underscore new shoes on twitter yeah that's me

katie new shoes got my new shoes on and everything sounds so bright that's it all right katie thank you so much for being on you've been truly an amazing guest and we're obsessed with you you know this iconic i'm obsessed with y'all thank you so much for having me do you guys have anything to plug this podcast please listen to it i'm gonna plug your twitter i'm gonna plug katie new shoes on twitter yeah katie new shoes on twitter and this podcast if you're listening keep doing that keep doing that yeah don't don't leave bye bye bye oh i'll catch you later bye bye oh i'll catch you later there it is there it is there it is absolutely absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. That was a HeadGum Original.