Keeping Records - Beer for the Children (with Jake and Amir)

Episode Date: January 8, 2021

Jake and Amir, AKA Caleb and Shelby's Headgum bosses, check in on how the Golden Record project is coming. Inadvertently they are tricked into compiling their own list of artifacts to send to outer space. Jake's Artifacts "Wounded" by Third Eye Blind (audio) Making out (multisensory experience) Cold swim on a hot day (multisensory experience) Parents laughing at his sister's wedding (image) Amir's Artifacts A fart (audio) McDonalds in your car (multisensory experience) Rubik's Cube (human ephemera) Laughing until you cry (multisensory experience) Getting into a hot bath (multisensory experience) Original Voyager Artifact Amoy (Min Dialect) Greeting (audio) Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship, we know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well. Is that how we start now every time we have hey i'm having a heartburn because i've been eating meals from a meal delivery service yeah i know you keep talking about it even do you i mean is there something i can do for that or is this just kind of something you're letting the listeners know so that if you burp into the mic, they just can move on?

Hey, I'm not a John Goodman character from the 90s. I'm not going to be belching into the mic. I'll turn away if I have to. Sort of trying to embarrass me in front of the listeners. You mentioned the heartburn. You did. I didn't bring it up. I just wanted you to know my headspace.

What's your headspace? My headspace is I got a letter in the mail and I can't wait to read it. Do you want to talk about the letter? No, I just, I got a letter in the mail today and I would really like to read it. Cool. Who from? What about? Really, really cool to tell the listeners.

I got a piece of mail today. Like it's fucking blues clues. It is. I've been checking the mail today like it's fucking Blue's Clues. It is. I've been checking the mail constantly for this letter and it came, but it came minutes before we had to be online. I hope it's a letter from our guest today. It is. Our guest today are icons.

You might know them from Lonely and Horny. You might know them from Literal Headgum. You might know them from CollegeHumor.gov. But we know them as Our Boss. Ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between and beyond, please make some noise for Jake and Amir. Wow, wow, wow, wow. What a segue.

Your pen pals coming in. It was nice of you guys to write me a letter and also funny of you guys not to write one for Caleb. Yeah, that's been on my mind as well. It's just like a funny, it's fun that we prank. It wasn't, I'm sorry to ruin the surprise. The letter is not from us, obviously. What would that, that would have been insane to time that. Seconds before we joined the podcast, we send you a letter that you get that day.

And what, you want us to? We don't know what you guys are capable of. I honestly thought, and I'll tell you, I thought you just sent a courier. I thought you were like, we're going to record courier. And then I saw someone standing on the corner of the street for three hours today. And I thought for sure that once I got the letter from you right before we recorded, I thought, certainly, certainly this is from them. And that was a courier the whole time. If it wasn't a courier, I have a lot of questions about who that was and why they were there.

You're being stalked, it sounds like. Did you guys ever see that movie Red Eye? No. No. With Killian Murphy or Murray? Yeah. It all takes place on a plane, right? Killian Murphy.

No, what is it? I thought it was Cillian. Is it, it's Killian? Is it Killian? Like Killian's Irish Red? I guess that makes more sense. Cillian's Irish Red. Yeah, he's like the guy that looks like a creepy person always,

so he only can play evil villains because he has black hair and blue eyes. No, in Peaky Blinders, he plays a hero-ish guy. Oh, really? That's good. In what? Peaky Blinders, Netflix long-running series about, I don't know, an old mob in, like like 1800s London or something. I keep hearing that referenced and now I know what it is.

To Peaky Blinders? Yeah. Do they have the last name Shelby? Is that a lie? Is there a Shelby on the show? I've only seen the pilot, but I read an article, sorry, I saw the headline of an article that said Peaky Blinders was the best show on television. And I was like, I would buy that, but I should watch it.

And it's just too dense, you know? I'm feeling pretty similar that I should watch it because I do hear about it. But I have so many other less good things to watch first. Yeah. It's important to watch the garbage early and now. I'll get to Peaky Blinders. Garbage goes bad. Ultimately, it starts to smell.

That's good. But other things go. Pe pinky's good forever when i think of consuming garbage i always think of youth group when they would tell us garbage in garbage out did anyone have that experience no i'm jewish happy hanukkah it's hanukkah happy right now right now is the first night yeah happy hanukkah everybody should we be doing something he didn't light the candles well we should be eating oily foods and maybe lighting some candles, but we'll do that later. I actually ate a bunch of latkes before I sat down for this podcast. I feel a little ill.

I also- Okay, he pre-gamed. He pre-gamed. I went hard on the latkes. What's your go-to topping? Is it applesauce? Is it sour cream? I don't fuck with applesauce at all.

I don't like it ever. I fuck with the sour cream. If applesauce is on the table, I'm eating that as its own side. That's for me for later. A dessert. I haven't had applesauce since I was eight and I'm not interested in trying. I love apples, but I just don't like the sauce version. I eat, you guys know those little

hmm, they go in your hands and they're little pouches and they look like baby food, but adults can have them too. We're playing taboo. The little moths. Crackers, chips, cheeses. Mine aren't moths brand. Do they have like a foil top?

No, it has like a little lid. Oh, a dreidel? No, a jar. It's for baby food on the go. Gerber's baby food. But they let adults have them now too. Is it actual baby food? It's baby food.

No, it's applesauce for the one that I have. I'm talking about right now. Ad adults have them now too and i have those it's baby food no it's applesauce for the one that i have i'm talking about adults have them now we've been denied baby food yeah adults adults exclusively buy baby food for a really long time for the for a really long time this is a little known fact but for a really long time if you went to the grocery store and tried to buy baby food they would ask you for the birth certificate of your child right wow if it was any more than three years they were like certificate you can't have this that's a carryover from the prohibition area area area yeah so i've never the prohibition area of the united states yeah if i said area babe it was the prohibition area i have to talk to mcgraw hill and get the books updated

you know i you know something interesting about textbooks is texas has a huge controlling stake in what goes in textbooks and what doesn't do you guys know about this no no is this last week's john oliver i haven't seen it yet no i. I think I watched this a couple years ago, but it was like, Texas's Board of Education is really influential in vetoing what will and won't be put in textbooks because it's such a large purchaser of textbooks because it's so big. Yeah, this sounds familiar. Yeah, they just will be like, scratch that line about slavery or whatever they don't want talked about. When you said Texas is bored, I thought you spelled it B-O-R-E-D, like Texas is bored of textbooks.

Texas is bored of history. And I was like, okay, sure. I'm bored of it too. You guys. Jake. Yeah. Amir. We brought you guys here because we have a really important question for you.

If you were in charge of your own golden record, what would you put on it? No way. Was that rehearsed? Is that a song you guys sing every time? We've never sang it before, and I gotta tell you, I couldn't do it again if I tried. And I gotta tell you, I don't see another way.

Yeah. But I guess we'll ask again. If you were in charge of your own golden record, ultimately, what would you put on it? Okay. Great question. Who goes first, me or Jake? Should we rock, paper, scissors for it?

Do you guys want to just decide? Should we go alphabetical order? Alphabetical. Amir, you're going to have to go first. There are two ways where I might have gone first, but then we just ejected a third where I had no chance, huh? Yeah, he's A, B. Amir Blumenfeld, he's winning the race. There's really no way around it.

All right. Here's what I'm putting on. The golden record. My number one draft pick. My big primo choice. What I consider the greatest feeling in the world is when you have, not unlike your heartburn right now, some indigestion, some pain, some gas, and you let it go with a beautiful, well-timed loud fart that then gives you that relief, that release, that noise, and sure, the smell, which is fine ultimately because you feel better. That's what I want to put into space for all of eternity. I want the aliens. That's the first thing.

They open it and it's like a whoopee cushion in there. So, they open the box, they press play, they hear the record, and record and it's just you know it's an amuse bouche it's an appetizer to the rest of the golden record that way that's track one it's important to you that it's a loud one too yes i don't want like one of those ones like oh that was hot and like was that anything more than that like that's not what i'm talking about i'm talking about the opposite of a silent but violent sneaker. I'm talking about a huge, loud, almost like a whoopee cushion. Yeah, a honker in your stomach. And then you feel the relief and it makes a funny noise.

It makes everyone laugh. It's a complete win-win situation. It's large. It takes up space. It contains multitudes. This is every man on every improv team. And yeah, it's a funny noise sorry about that i'm not going to apologize as a comedian if something is silly sounding amir oh we're not asking you to apologize this is your section of the record fart is art do you worry at all though that it would be received as a threat

or declaration of war that's fine too because like whoever finds this they should know that like you're you're fucking messing with the e-a-r-t-h you know like we're like the biggest baddest fucking planet in the world head motherfuckers it took me a while to realize that spelled earth we have fucking us russia like we have all the fucking countries you want the will smith punching the alien in independence day fart welcome to earth that yeah just a fucking yes i support that do you know do you know when you have indigestion and you're sitting in a particular way and in order to relieve it you have to like stand up or move around yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah those are the best releases of like a belch or a fart for me personally yeah i think when you have to move a little out my all right so my an addendum to your thing something i'd like to attack on is a fart

that when you have an itchy butthole that the fart vibrates so much that it, it kind of like scratches your ass. It does the itch. It scratches the itch. It scratches the itch. That's insane. A three for three. So you got the relief from the gas pain,

the noise. And then also it's a scratch, a little butthole scratch, a tip of the iceberg, a top of the morning, you know, how do you do? How do you do? That's right. The Swiss army knife, a top of the morning, you know? How do you do? How do you do?

The Swiss Army knife of bodily functions. So we've got loud, aggressive fart that sort of cures all illness, but also itches an existing itch. Jake, what are you adding after that? I've got something that kind of does the same exact thing, but it's Third Eye Blind's first two albums. Okay. Loud, aggressive, but provides a release if you really listen to them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And there's a specific song off of one of those albums that you feel most connected to. Yeah, their 1999 album, Blue, with their hit song wounded i don't know if it's a hit as much of it i was gonna say i went to spotify.gov i was gonna say i'm about to get made fun of and amir amir came to the table with a fart so i just want to before like i'm gonna get i'm gonna get lambasted. I can already tell. Everyone's coming for my music taste. Wow.

You're so defensive. All they said is wow and yeah so far. And you're just shoving us. Yeah, so far we've been kind of just impressed. Shocked even. But what I would say is I went to Spotify.edu and I said Wounded, Third Eye Blind. And then I went to Third Eye Blind's just full discography. And when you look at their top 15 most popular songs, Wounded doesn't make even the top 15. Is that okay? To you?

I think it's okay because it's a tiny little gem that only me and the true Jenkins heads really know about. Who's Jenkins? Stephen Jenkins. My neighbor growing up. Lead man. Just old man. Lead man at Third Eye Blind. What does Wounded sound like?

Do I know that song or was it never on the radio and I have no idea? You wouldn't. It's kind of this like really cool, like melodic palm muted riff up top. And then, you know, like a heavy metal rock riff. Give us a taste.

I couldn't. Jake, sing a little. I couldn't possibly. No, you have an amazing voice. Oh my God. Is it time to dance?

Is it possible? Yeah, it's really good. It's time to be scared. Fuck. Yeah. It's really good. It's a great song. There's a lyric in it. You're a summertime hottie with socks in the air. Do you have a take on that?

You're a summertime hottie with your socks in the air. You're screaming, I don't care, baby. I don't care. No. You're a summertime hottie. And you walk on, baby.

That's the fart, you walk on. Yeah. Wait, keep reading. Does it talk about farting or anything? I only screenshotted that line from a lyric video on YouTube. The next lyric is actually, it's about the socks on, the walk in summertime, and then you fart so hard that your ass itches itself. Dude, it's crazy.

Do you hear the fucking parallels between this shit this is the aliens should see that connectivity that's crazy yeah they're gonna say wow these people really thought about this together cohesively which is the goal jake is there any um and there doesn't have to be but is there any moment in your life that makes like the when you hear wounded or any track off of the blue album maybe never let you go even do you get taken back to some place yeah and i think the really cool thing about you know maybe music in general but i'll say specifically third eye blind is all of the moments are happening at once you know i'm like driving home from my girlfriend

in high school's house after we broke up blasting wounded i'm like in college with my friends trash jumping up and down in the mosh pit to wound it i'm like uh working at college humor with sarah schneider one of my best friends there who is also a huge third eye blind fan we like go to one of their 10-year reunion shows and we're like jumping up and down to the same song so it's like, yeah, it's all of the moments. I'm transported everywhere. That's gorgeous. I mean, Semi-Charmed Life, Jumper, How's It Gonna Be,

Never Let You Go, those are all. I'll never let you go. I'll never let you go. Bangers. Graduate. Mine is hot. Yeah. Every single song.

We've got an asshole rattling fart. And then the fart that I mentioned. Obviously not a Jenkins head. And then we've got Third Eye Blind, two albums from the 90s, particularly the Blue Album, particularly, particularly Wounded. Yeah, show up, Wounded. Amir, what do you got up next? What I got up next is the smell of McDonald's in your car. So, regardless of what you order or actually eat or feel like when you're eating or feel

like after you're eating, I think the goat feeling is getting the bag and putting it next to you. And it's just like the aroma of knowing, the excitement of knowing what's up next is probably better than eating it and definitely better than how you feel after you eat it so that's my second thing on the disc so i did some research yeah and i didn't know this do you know what phthalates are t-h-a-l-l-i-t-e-s I believe it starts with a p it's p-t-h-a-l-l-i-t-e I think track 7 off of Third Eye Blind's self titled album

Foul that's exactly it ok so these are chemicals that they put in cars to give that new car smell the one they can't stop talking about. The one that everyone's addicted to.

It's hot on the market. It's a chemical that makes plastics more flexible. But there's some research that says that fast food companies might also put it in some of their packaging and some of their foods to enhance the aromas so that when you do get a bag of McDonald's through your window, you will recognize and remember the smell. Oh, interesting.

I thought I was smelling just that greasy, greasy salt. Like, I don't think of it as like a plastic-y smell at all, but maybe it's just a flavor enhancer. It's like an enhancement. It's a man-made smell. It's a, yeah. It's like, it's like MSG, you know,

it's just like a little, it's a little extra something in there to make it a little bit. It's cocaine for kids. It's cocaine and Coca-Cola. Exactly. And I think they should do that again, by the way. It's not on,

that doesn't go on the record. It's just something that I believe the Coke should be back in Coke. Cocaine and Coca-Cola. Yeah. Why not? Wait, this is, this is off the record.

That was off the record. It's off the record, but it's on this record but it's i think that they should put the cocaine back and cook i'm here a little role play for you okay i'm i'm working the drive-thru at mcdonald's and you're coming through that's nice. What will it be? I can't have a four-piece McNugget. Do you guys do small fries? All I need is the smell. Put it in my trunk. And your character's having an orgasm during that order.

Yeah, you're getting rodent. What the fuck? I'm edging so that when the food finally gets in my car, it can explode instantly. There's no delay between me ordering. Yeah, once those phthalates hit, you really get to cum all over the car. And I'll eat the plastic thing

so that it smells like a new car as soon as I work at some. Instantly. I'm ordering probably chicken nuggets, probably fries and if the McRib is back let me try that because I haven't had that in 20 years for a limited time

and Caleb really really likes it I just had one the other night when I had it in high school I always used to get it without the pickles but now I like pickles so I'm like oh maybe I should just try to eat it in it's natural habitat it's just the McRib and pickles right to me pickles shouldn't be with barbecue sauce. Am I crazy?

You are. Okay, cool. I could agree with that. I don't like pickles at all. I want my barbecue sauce untainted by a pickle. You know, I don't like barbecue sauce either, if I'm being very honest. Okay, so Jake's actually can't have a vote.

Wow. That's fair. Thank you for being here. I should abstain. I have no dog in this fight. It's all about you. No, no, no. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being here, but you don't get a vote. Yeah. Wow. That's fair. Thank you for being here. I should abstain. I have no dog in this fight. It's all about you. No, no, no. Thank you for being here.

Thank you for being here, but you don't get a vote. I have a McDonald's question. Yeah. Is the barbecue sauce on the McRib the same as the ones that you get on the side of the chicken nuggets, or do they have two different barbecue sauces? We didn't call. I don't know. Ahead of time.

That's a good question. I wish we had. That would have been good. Right. Is it a special sauce, or is it the barbecue sauce? It wish we had. That would have been good. Right. Is it a special sauce or is it the barbecue sauce? It doesn't seem like they would have access to two sauces. It's barbecue sauce. McDonald's wouldn't have access to two sauces.

Yeah, they would. They'd have access to lots of sauces. It's their whole fucking business. They have their proprietary sauce that they're not even giving to us. Like, share the wealth, McDonald's. Did you guys know thatald's is the only company in the world that has the legal rights to alter the coca-cola recipe and they and they do that and they add more sugar to it what they're the only people in the world when you get a coke

from mcdonald's it tastes different than other coke and that's on purpose by design almost that's why it always feels like coke is better at mcdonald's yeah because it is because they've done something to it they've they've tainted it for you is it still tainting it if it's for the greater good yeah yeah i wouldn't say so no a tempered tempered tainted tempered tampered even tampered with tampered taint and tamper amir and your idea for this item on the golden record do the aliens get to also try McDonald's or just the smell? It's just the smell. It's really just the smell. I want to focus on the smell of it.

They don't deserve to try. So we're sending up like a little car, a little car smell thingy of just the smell of the food. You're super antagonistic towards the aliens. Yeah, I want to track something. You're farting on them teasing again mcdonald's this far on the podcast has said they don't aliens don't deserve mcdonald's and that he wants them to be triggered by he wants to fart fart big time my fart you alien

punk he's also flipping off he's he's flipping off the zoom which is something that only we can see on an audio medium you Which feels rude to us. Not the alien. It's just rude to us. And your finger looks sick. Yeah. Hey. We should get another item on the record.

We should get another item on the record. I guess we're throwing it back to Jake. Jake? Thank you. I am bringing to the table bringing to the record making out french kissing as it were and caleb's actually gone on record before to say that kissing is sex kissing is sex to me yeah oh yeah the rest of it's a hassle the rest of it is a chore the rest of it is absolutely a chore why just kissing why do you say just making out frenching why don't

you go all the way why don't you say full-time sex because kissing is that like it's the electric moment when sex becomes like possible that's the like sex after that is sort of i feel like a certain age sex is almost like that's just a given once you've once you've like kissing is so intimate once you've gotten to that level that's like that's just the tops it doesn't get better it's like smelling the bag yeah it's like there's also there's a hope in kissing because you're like okay the sex can be anything that like it could be good it could be the best we don't know yet once you have the sex you know it's not the best because it so rarely is it never could be it never could be it never could live up to the kiss the kiss is

like the kiss is the peak that's the height that's that's the climax and the rest is following action it's like peak possibility i think to me the reason kissing is the best part and god jake i hope you'll align with me on this is that everything after kissing is math and exercise you have to you have to move around and work and there's aiming and you know it's a and there's there's a lot there's a lot more awkward moments in the sex part than there is in the kissing part the kissing part we've been doing so long and it's easy it's ultimately so hopeful you can also always just walk away from kissing like making out with somebody in exactly in a bar or like at a party and you just like you can stand up and just and you guys can leave you're like wow yeah like made out with somebody that's great

that's all you that's all you need to do you can make out with someone and then go hang out with your friends that's something the aliens should know about as a perfect evening in my opinion sex is a chore you have to make a you have to make a new friend you got to have small talk you have to like do yeah you don't you want to hang out with a stranger you're a visionary don't hang out with a stranger thank you thank you we should stranger danger even hear from amir again what do you have now kicking an alien in the nuts? Giving an alien a no-go? Oh, come on. Starting warfare with an alien race? Or protecting an alien toilet?

Amir, what absolute hell have you unwrapped for the aliens now? I'm going to go with something more traditional, an object that can actually, you know, be shot into space. And potentially might have already been because it was a huge fad in the 70s. And I just got into it yet again which is this colorful cube the rubik's cube i think is a fun puzzle it's bright it's colorful and it's fun for the aliens to kind of futz around with and then we could see exactly how smart they are if they can actually figure out this yeah most humans can't yeah i would say i would say the percentage of humans that can 10 15 by sending them a math problem you've insulted them once again yeah i've sort of inserted my dominance unless they really

love math unless they just do it instantly and show it to us yeah they could be really good that's true and then we would be like if they found this they've done some math they're good at it they're talented math mathematicians yeah because they were able to find something i like that shelby said aliens have to be really good at math and amir said yeah because they found something yeah that's the very least they're good at maps yeah which is like half math yeah the records could just crash land on their planet they don't even necessarily couldn't the records just like smash into a planet somewhere in theory but the ones that already went into space are still flying around and they've been there for 30 some years less than that actually do we know where are we tracking i think there's i think we do but the idea what

they say which is crazy is that by the time they're found, all human existence will be gone. Yeah, we'll all be done for. Isn't that scary? And they'll have my fucking cube. Yeah, they'll have your cube and a big fart. They'll know farts. You'll have the last fart joke. Yeah, like if the earth blew up,

would the internet cease to exist? Is there anything in the cloud where it's like the earth blows up, but it's somewhere out there anyway, or it's like all our knowledge is is wiped out too that would be unfortunate how much knowledge do we really have well we have the cloud we have the cloud yeah but i think the cloud would also fucking disintegrate when the sun swallows our planet i want to like i want it to be actually out there in space be like all right this is well that's what this that's what the that's the point of the records voyager one is 22.3 billion kilometers from earth as of april of this year and voyager 2 is 18.5 billion kilometers from jealous and i think that if

earth were to blow up that's far enough away that it wouldn't it wouldn't touch them. I'd also like to check out of this year. Nice. 2020 has me wishing I was a billion light years away. Get me out of here. Call me Voyager 3 because I want out of here. Call me Voyager 3 because, ma'am, this is a Wendy's. This app is free. Which brings me back to the, yeah. Wendy's is also fine for my fast food thing.

I should say I don't want it specifically McDonald's. Any fast food in a car next to you is free. Which brings me back to the, yeah. Wendy's is also fine for my fast food thing. I should say I don't want it specifically McDonald's. Any fast food in a car next to you is okay. Any fast food that will send HeadGum money, we can narrow it down once we get a check. Wendy, I have something important to say. That can't be true. It is. Okay. Value me.

I will see what you have to say first. Oh my God. Here goes goes we gotta go to break oh that was important and we're back we're back from out of space. Don't turn around now. I don't need you anymore. Look at your face. We need to hear another artifact for the records from Jake, in my humble opinion. In my not humble opinion? Yeah.

Cool. I appreciate it. Okay. And I submit for your approval a photograph of my parents at my sister's wedding, where it's a photo of them experiencing what I think looks like pure joy. Happiness. Bliss. Having seen the picture, it is that.

And not only that, but it elicits that I think, I mean, I haven't polled a focus group, but I think does that for everyone else too. Really? Caleb and I looked at it and said. This is killing me oh my they're so cute god so cute i could have cried if i really looked at it for long enough i yeah i know i could i could cry looking at it even now i think what's important is that you know them i to me two strangers just having a good time made me almost cry there's something about that photo i don't know if you guys noticed this but like the way that they're laughing like my so i'll try to describe it for

anybody listening my dad has his like his shoulders like hunched by his ears his his like uh chin is tucked into his neck it's like kind of just like a laugh where he's just like pulling himself all the way into his own face and my my mom has her head thrown back, mouth open at the sky. And I feel like that's like, the only way you could laugh like that is if you're laughing at yourself. It looks like they got made fun of

and they agree. Oh, like a roast. Yeah, that's what it looks like to me. I mean, we'll put this on our Instagram, but I think what's like, there's someone so much further in the forefront of the picture i assume it's maybe your sister because the dress is white is that the bride yep just a horrible horrible friend of my sister who wore a white dress to her wedding the bride is entirely blurred out yeah and everyone is

um so blurred out But they're in The sharpest focus I've ever seen a camera Take Almost Yeah it's a good photo 6D Almost too focused

Yeah Make sure you start Asking questions Wait Unenhanced It's disgusting Unenhanced What's this?

It's perfect Jake who is the woman Standing next to your mom That's also in white That feels like That's Oh yeah she's wearing white That's my mom's sister Okay Wow Is the woman standing next to your mom that's also in white? That feels like... Oh, yeah, she's wearing white.

That's my mom's sister. Okay. Wow. Sister of the mother of the bride wore white to the wedding. Drama. I'd have to think about... I'd have to look back at photos. There's a chance that all of my sister's bridesmaids and all the people in the wedding were wearing white.

If I could follow up, I need to know, Jake, do you know there's a man standing and it's either because he's far behind your dad and they're maybe a similar height or he's three feet taller than your dad. There's a man, bald man wearing sunglasses. Do you know his story? Yes, I do. That is, that's my cousin, Scott, my dad's brother's son he is actually three feet taller than my dad and scott is the guy that uh married me at my wedding oh congratulations to you guys thank you thank you all this is such a nice moment for me sorry i think it's cool that cousins marry sometimes yeah i hope you guys are very happy that we're pro that okay wait he so he just officiated my wedding he um no yeah no no no no it is it's not you did also you did also fuck your uncle once so it's not like an insane leap

for them to make amir i think this was something that we're not going to get to from you but you said laughing until you cry which feels like it's represented in this picture pretty heavily in this picture it's a kid. That's true. Yeah, yeah. When something is, when you get the giggles so much, you can't breathe, your eyes water, and it's like the same emotion as crying, but you can't really explain it. And Jake, your mom, I can feel that her abs are about to hurt.

Like she's laughing so hard that her abs are about to hurt. That's right. I think I asked your dad what this photo was about. And he said Jake fell during the speeches. He split his lip open. And this was like the moment where he sort of lifted up and everyone saw the blood. And he said, get me some help. Yeah, I said, isn't anyone going to help me? And that's when he snapped that photo.

Please, Papa. Of pure bliss. That's right. Please, Pa, help. He promised me, Father. Did Bob saget host america's funniest home videos is that who hosted yeah yeah we gotta get that to bob he can take it to wonders with that and now the host of our show bob saget do you guys remember when the culture found out that Bob Saget was like a dirty old man and not like his character on Full House?

I think I had a hard time with that. He couldn't do that now. I remember seeing his set when I was in college and he was just talking about how like Full House was like an orgy. Like it was so, so raunchy and it was like about like people on Full House. It's like, it's super inappropriate. And then people are like, why won't Mary-Kate and Ashleyley hang out with them and it's like well they're their fake dad from their entire babyhood it was like i wanted to fuck the kids it's like yeah well we don't

want to hang out i'd be involved in the reboot either i think he was talking about fucking the adults i really think that his set included him fucking Kimmy Gibbler I think there was some stuff there was lewd jokes about Kimmy Gibbler Amir do you have any pictures of your parents that you put on the records that they're happy no but yeah i'm sure

i can scrounge up a photo of my dad or my mom separately of course but yeah there's one here's one of my here's one of my dad at chipotle last christmas um he's waiting in line to go to the bathroom what else do i got all right on christmas your dad is using the bathroom at chipotle well he's asking for the code. And they're like, it's for customers only. And he's like, I am a fucking customer. And they said, not at this Chipotle. And he says, fine, I'll take the extra guac.

How much is it? $1.99. And they're like, no, actually, it's extra. You have to get a full burrito bowl. He's like, fine, I'm going to get a fucking burrito just so I can take it. Blow up your bathroom. At which point they started squirting him out, obviously. They don't want to deal with that why did you take because i was cracking up i was looking at the old man and i just couldn't get enough of that motherfucker

just eating crow eating crow that's on the chipotle menu yeah crow barbacroa yeah it's on its secret menu very good yeah yeah you have to know what to ask for but once you do you won't regret it can't get enough in and out style um is there anything else uh that we didn't get to that you guys would add to the records uh getting into a bath tub i had on a on a cold day you get into a hot bath feels Feels great to me. Put it in there. And, you know, I had the mirrored image of that on a hot day jumping into a cold body of water. Wow. Okay. And cold, like ice cold or just like a pool?

Like a little chillier than a pool. Like invigoratingly chilly. Like one of those polar plunges? Not quite that, but like the kind of water where you have to splash around to get used to it. I was in a hot tub with friends recently. Listeners, don't be mad. I live like that. I was in a hot tub with some friends.

You're disgusting. They all got sick, right? Don't be mad. That's just who I am. Don't be mad. I have it like that. Two of them are intubated right now. Don't be mad. That's just who I am. Don't be mad. I have it like that. Two of them are intubated right now. Don't be mad.

When I want to get in a hot tub, I've got the resources to do so. Don't be mad. I was invited to get in a hot tub because my friend was house sitting three or four weeks ago. We all got tested. And everyone was trying to convince me that I should go hot tub for a long time, get really hot, and then jump in the freezing cold pool. Do you guys fuck with that okay and caleb says yes thank you because i like if you're in a cold place colorado in the winter you get in the hot tub jump in the snow for a second come back in the hot tub that is

there is nothing quite like that to me i heard it was i heard that's not good for you i don't know it's supposed to be really good for me like your blood vessels constrict and open up too fast it's supposed to be really good for you if anyone watched zach efron's um you know what was he like a nature guru health guru show on netflix i hate to say that i did i hate to say it he did the heat to cold thing and they talked about how it's so good for you for so long and i was like that's good because i was doing that a lot as a kid so it's good to know that it was for the greater good the arguments we have so far are it's not good for you amir heard this somewhere and it's incredible for you dr zach efron yeah oh he was still out i guess i went on i went on a trip with my brother we were in like i think it was like washington or something and we went to one of these places

where there's like it was it was it was awesome we were in an rv okay don't get mad that's just what i do um but we were in one of those places that was like a hot it was a hot spring hot pools and then these like also these cold pools and we were surrounded me and my brother were the youngest people there by like 50 years and these old ladies were like this is the secret to life and they were really fucking old and they did it so i i trust them they're still alive thank you thank you i think i just got sold these two women they were just froze found frozen to death in a fucking ice bath amir's showing us his his home screen of his phone just broke the story

he's showing us the list of apps on his phone sorry i forgot i was it was on my home page but i opened it up all right here this is the photo two frozen fucking women um listen fellas listen listen the headline says two frozen fucking women yeah two frozen fucking women they were found scissoring really explicit enough enough no not even close lesbians but only in a movie did you guys see that everest is taller now anyway oh good for everest it grew 30 feet that's a glow up i love that like you like you're always in this industry seeing people win that like

are shady or like didn't work as hard but like Everest has been putting in the work for so long so consistent

and like quietly killing 20 climbers a year just like doing this shit I can't wait till K2 gets its day

in court I know I'm like tired of hearing about the Andes yeah let's hear about K2 let's hear about Kilimanjaro like let's hear gets its day in court. I know. I'm like tired of hearing about the Andes. Yeah. Let's hear about K2.

Let's hear about Kilimanjaro. Like let's hear about some other stuff. What have the Andes done in the last five months that made you laugh out loud? There's so many other mountains. Like we can be done with Everest. Guys, we want to play you something

from the original records. That's so true. If that's okay. Please. That, I'll allow it. So that's a greeting in the language Amoy on the original records that are in space now, as we famously know, and it translates to...

Friends of space, how are you all? Have you eaten yet? Come visit us if you have time. If you have time. The original records included greetings in 55 different languages. One of those greetings is in the Amoy language, specifically the Min dialect. Translated, it says, friends of space, how are you all? Have you eaten yet? Come visit us if you have time. If you have time. It shows a form of respect to the aliens,

and it implies that we understand that they're busy and that they have a lot going on, but it gives us a sort of mutual playing ground where their time is valued and so is ours. If you have time. Now, this begs the question, what could be more important than meeting other life forms from faraway universes? To me, that feels like it would shoot to the top of the to-do list, but I like that they're keeping their day open. Another part of this quote that I think is significant is how it begins. Friends of space. That lets the aliens know that we want to be your friends, and in fact, we already consider you as such.

We're also friends of space to them. And when they say, come visit us, do they mean humans in general, or specifically this community of people? And if so, how will they find them? And if they were speaking of their specific community, perhaps they were referring to the southern branch of Min, where the Amoy language originated, and is still used today. And again, I just have to wonder how they'll find them. Another part of this that I think is interesting is the second line, how are you all, which on a bad day, being asked how you are, can be considered confrontational even.

And frankly, how are you all? Right now, well, my mind's kind of been blown, because I'm learning not only does another world exist, but they've sent me a gift and I came unprepared. It also asks, how are you all? Not how are your leaders, not how are your emperors or kings or presidents or senators. To us, you're all equal. How are you all? It also begs the question, if aliens were to visit humans on Earth and were in fact hungry, what might we serve them? Maybe pasta from Italy, or...

Maybe a grilled cheese from America? Or lo mein from China? Pasta from America. Or pasta from Mexico. Or pasta from China. Or even pasta from Canada. What we're getting at is that we should serve them pasta. What strikes me about this immediately is it almost implies you should eat us yeah we're food

we're food for you we interesting are you hungry come see us we've got the goods and i think that's scary could be beautiful and so gorgeous yeah right that's fair i'm down to get eaten i just want to be like in a bag in a fucking car for an alien he doesn't even need to eat me but just the smell that's coming out of that bag it's going to be so worth it for him yeah you actually you're doing a similar thing where you're taunting the aliens to the point where they might come and eat us so it seems like you and the it'll be amir's fault yeah you and the what i'm farting i'm farting in the bag yeah in amoy at least they call them

friends of space right they're they're coming more than you are they're coming at it from a place of friendship or love i like that they're saying like come visit us if you have time it's kind of like we know that you know clearly we're not the only people in the universe it's us and you and maybe there's other people or other beings so So like, if you're not busy with those folks, come see us. Yeah. There's something particularly funny about being like, I know you probably have a busy day.

You've just found this. And so that's probably a lot to unpack, but if you've got time. Yeah. Just for like 15 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. Other life exists.

I'm like, that's awesome. But I have a zoom later. So I really, I have to be in front of my computer. Sorry. It kind of reminds me of the tape that Adam Sandler leaves for Drew Barrymore in 51st dates after they're married that she watches every morning. Yes. You guys know what I'm talking about? Where it says, here's who we are. Take your time to digest this. Come have breakfast. That's kind of what we're saying to the audience.

I like imagining that they hear it and they say, do we have time? And they're like, Bill, do we have time? And Bill's like, I don't know. I had a lot on the schedule today. One of my favorite shows came out with a new episode, The Undoing, and it's like a whole thing. If I don't see it now, I'm going to get spoilers. And there's a whole mystery to it which would totally ruin the show so maybe we go another time if we could just schedule another time just tell them we're busy yeah imagine the aliens spoil it they might know everything you know yeah i oh i i wonder do they i wonder are you really all knowing well because i keep imagining them like super progressive and like they're all knowing and they have so much they have so much more knowledge than us but it's like there's also a chance that they're like

really really really primitive and they're like women should only cook right and they just got farted on so they're gonna come over and dominate us i think there's a chance that i think of them as progressives but they could be all right they Yeah. So they're smart enough to have an opinion, but they're still sort of primitive enough for them to be Republican-leaning. Well, I don't know if you would consider it an opinion. If all of them have it, it feels more inherent than an opinion. It's like, oh, this is just how we think, you know? Yeah, interesting.

Amir, I have a question specifically for you. Okay. My question is all knowing, all powerful, all good. The aliens can only be two of three. What do you think they got? All knowing,

all powerful and all good. It's all good. It's all good. We're all good. Thank you. They can be all powerful, all knowing, or all good.

I'll say they're all good. You can be the two. They're chill. Yeah. So, they're chill. They're like, we're all good. But also, we're all knowing. So, they know everything.

But they're not all powerful. Well, that's how you get to be all good. Exactly. I know everything. I'm all good. I will say if you're all good and all knowing, at some point, you're going to be all powerful. You might not be yet, but you're getting there. You're working your way in.

You know how to make the power at the very least if you know everything. And you're going to be all powerful. You might not be yet, but you're getting there. You're working your way. You know how to make the power at the very least, if you know everything. And you're good. You're cool. You're pure of heart. And you're also knowing everything. Yeah. I'm going to make you an in charge. That's cool.

Jake, do you agree? You know, I'll just for the hell of it, I'll disagree. And I'll say all powerful and all good, because then we get to be the knowing ones. And we're like, oh, actually, like, you're going to, we get to be the knowing ones and we're like oh actually like you're gonna you got to be on our side and and um uh yeah some other people's ass or something you know because they're like we're good we're powerful we just don't really know what to do and i'm like oh you gotta go kick that guy's ass you know and then that's cool and it's like your bully from high school like yeah just can you lift up devin like

a fucking rag doll and tear his head off yeah exactly tell him jake said hello all right sit you become like a tony soprano to a group of aliens don't i want my fucking money eddie furlong in the terminator so like this robot alien is just sort of doing your bidding but he can't kill people he has a rule because he's all good he's all good he's all he's all good that should be the tagline of the podcast keeping records all good it's all good we'll workshop it well i'm think it's time for a segment i've decided oh whoa it's time for a segment. Caleb just decided he's all powerful and all knowing. I'm all good.

It's time for a seggy. That's what I call him. Wow. This next segment is called Delete It. Ooh. Delete it. We want to know what's one thing in all of human existence so embarrassing that you guys think we should scrub it from the records

and before you start we should say it doesn't have to be the big things famine famine homelessness these are all things we also hate so you can just make trivial stuff great thank god something something trivial and annoying can we get rid of and this is a very controversial opinion but i think i wouldn't miss and life would be better if we removed completely i'm talking about scrubbed from existence and i'm not stalling right now i know what i'm gonna say okay it just sounds like i'm meandering because i'm sort of looking through a rolodex of shit that i could just ask me to go because you know they asked us to prepare this all right fine you go first oh you go then all right if you know what you want to say then yeah go for it man what water bugs ladies and gentlemen it's the big big ass cockroach it's the fucking scary ones it's

the ones that really don't do shit except scare you and make it so you can't go to sleep and you have nightmares about them and there's just no need for a water bug to exist water bugs and they can't they can't bite or do anything can they i think they're harmless but what they do is they harm your psyche they harm your brain i came across a water i there was one time i i just moved to new york i was like i went to a movie i had to pee so bad and i was like oh i think i can hold it till i get home i got back to my place i ran into the apartment i threw up the toilet seat and there's just a fucking water bug right there and it like it ruined that apart i lived there for two years and it ruined that apartment for me

every single time i went to the bathroom i had I had to put my head into the toilet bowl to make sure that a fucking bug wasn't going to crawl into my dick. Yeah. That's always happening to me. Yeah. They shouldn't exist. There's never not a bug crawling into my dick. Caleb has so many times yelled to me from the bathroom,

it's another bug in my dick. And not in the good way. That's what I always had to clarify. This is why you got to make out. Yep. This is just making out. That's what I always have to clarify. This is why you got to make out. This is, yep. This is just making out. That's the move.

Yeah. Well, because. I got bugged it. Yeah. You don't want to move. You don't want to share that with another person. I can't be banging with bug dick. I shouldn't even get into the hot tub to be honest.

But that's me. So wait, water bugs. I have a question, which is like, so so i grew up with like there was like a creek in the woods behind my house yeah a huge brag that's ohio baby but i there was a bug that like we called water bugs that is just like a little stick bug that floats in the creek are we they are gone no no those are cool those are cool i like those those are the water skimmer bugs those are i think we call them skimmer bugs in over in ct no i love those yeah those are awesome i was gonna be kind of sad about it but i'm glad to hear that they're staying cool those are cool yeah it's the cockroaches that are like that are like the size of a potato it's those huge fucking cockroaches yeah those things are no interest disgusting disgusting i'm here

i was gonna go similar like bees but then you know it's all the same thing but like i didn't want to get you need bees are like we really need human existence yeah people say that but i don't know i'm calling their bluff on that i'm okay with that honey and we'll see what the pollination thing is yeah you have propaganda thing is yeah so similar to b it's almost identically sounding is beer yeah i'm okay without beer i don't think beer tastes good i don't think we can get rid of all the beer commercials we can get rid of the beer culture i feel like parties and stuff will ultimately be safer without beer i mean sure there's still hard alcohol but where everyone's drinking liquor instead?

Yeah, but how much... You just can't drink that much liquid. It makes you feel bloated and gassy. So we eliminate beer pong entirely, right? Because you're not going to play with whiskey. After 10, you'll be dead. Yeah, so no more beer pong. I can consider leaving cider,

but beer specifically, I think we can erase it out of uh out of human history for sure can't believe you were you were between bees or beer to like either of those shouldn't be yeah but then you're like oh we need bees to like whatever save fucking humanity so fine we're getting rid of the frat party instead and let's see how that trickle down ruins everything else you're including a fart and getting rid of beer yeah that's insane oh yeah we need farts no we need to be able to fart yeah otherwise you're just walking around with gas pain in your stomach it's not okay beer is

disgusting i want to really be on your side here amir you are correct it needs to go i this one hurts because it first of all so many of my fun memories are circled around beer. So that sucks. And then also, I like the taste of it. Did you, but do you always like it? Your first sip of it, you're like, this is great. Or was it an acquired taste, aka a bad taste? My parents were the kind of parents that were like, you want a sip with their drink?

You know, you know, those parents, that was mine. And I, my mom loves Corona and I was in on Corona really early. We're talking 9, 10 years old. Wow. 9, 10 PM or oh, years old. 9, 10 years old. Single digit beer drinker. Wow.

And I was saying, mom, can I have a sip? And she would be like, one. And I was like, yeah, sister, you got it. And then later on in the meal, she'd get a little drunker. She'd forget. And I'd say, can I have a sip? And she'd be like one and i was like yeah sister you got it and then later on in the meal she'd get a little drunk or she'd forget and i'd say can i have a sip and she'd be like one and i was like that's right mom you got the stuff and that's how i got my taste for it so i do have a taste for it show me said we can't get rid of beer i've been drinking it since i was nine and it's the only time i'm happy i guess that's like we're all supposed to be like cool cool cool yeah no yeah we should definitely keep it

that sounds good that's good Caleb's acting like I drink a beer every night I've had maybe two I've never seen you drink one yeah I think I've had maybe two

since we've lived together since June um but whoa you lost so you haven't been happy that's so true that wait a second wait a minute you haven't been happy. That's so true.

That, wait a second. Wait a minute. You don't think. We do have one last segment for you guys. A seggy? Another seggy. Yeah, we have a seggy. Another seggy, baby. Yeah, it's another seggy.

You better believe it. It's called This or That. This. Or that. You have 60 seconds and Caleb and i are going to quickly rattle off some compares two different things and you'll have to choose one really quick wow and we'll just go back and forth starting with jake and then to a mirror and so on and so forth and you're on the clock and be really quick okay go online shopping or in-store shopping online shopping fuck gatorade or powerade gatorade dancing all night but you have to be up early or staying in but you have

tomorrow off dancing all night fingers for toes or toes for fingers fingers for toes i didn't even think about that listening to happy songs to fix your sad mood or listening to sad songs to be more sad? Ooh, happy songs, fixing the sad mood. Making love or going to pound town? Pound town. Killing me or killing Shelby? Pound town. Killing, oh, no, I couldn't. Shelby, definitely Shelby.

Dude, you gotta, dude, this is what we were talking about. I can't. Give this one to Amir. I want the pound town one. Okay, Shelby? Okay, I can't. Give this one to Amir. I want the pound sound one. Okay, Shelby. Okay, I can't. I'm dead. You go ahead.

Yes. Amir, being popular in a cult or being the least popular member of a band? Popular, and then I stopped listening. That's time. Wow. Amir got really into killing Shelby there. What happened there? I don't even remember the game. I browned out

and I guess... Weird. I'm going to shoot you an email after this and we're new to the family. I don't know what the HR deal is, but I'm going to be attached to you about it. We're legally not allowed to answer that

wouldn't it be really funny though if we did find out that i was in charge of human resources for head gum they would have known right someone has to be well no one's doing it now so we'll give you an email you're hired i've got a lot of complaints to forward you actually kayla bad head gum and i'm the hr guy i would be really bad at that. I don't care about anything like that. That actually makes you perfect. You're just passionate. That makes you a really good candidate. People would be like, oh, I'm getting my wages stolen or whatever. And I'd be like, you got to fight back. I can't. Anyway, yeah, Amir, I'll be touching base just kind of with questions about why and what I did and how i can be better and all that yeah let's talk offline for sure it was cool that

jake didn't pick one though yeah we'll circle back this is why we need a powerful leader like it's it doesn't matter if you're wrong or right okay you have to be fast you have to be assertive deal with it go for me sophia's choice is a 30 second movie grab a kid get it the fuck out of the way we're out of this place me and you look at me look 30 second movie grab a kid get it the fuck out of the way we're out of this place me and you look at me look at me it's me and you now the other one's done we can't look back on this you don't even know their name that's how you distance yourself it's like with pets i don't know i can just go for it do you guys have anything that you think you should plug or do you want to tell um we have

two million listeners do you guys want to tell them where they can find you yeah i mean if you're listening to this show it's a great start head gum listen to the head gum shows there's there's something for everyone we feel not just the show and if you if you have a hobby i'm sure there's another show about it and let's just plug this show extra. So, like, everybody out there that's, like, listening right now, if you like this, you've got to rate, subscribe, tell your friends, do all the stuff. Do all the stuff that every podcast asks you to do. Text all your friends. Write in the comments, would you kill me or Shelby? And then also Jake and Amir.

You get to pick between two of each sets. Well, don't do that because I can't really take that kind of criticism. I can dish it out fairly easily, but then like, I feel pretty fragile. Yeah, you can't dish it out too easily, honestly. You fucking cyber bullied

Shelby in this episode. Thank you, Jake. Thank you, Jake. And that was before the question. Yeah, you guys should have heard on the break. Yeah. Yeah, on the break.

If you thought my energy was weird towards the end of this, you gotta hear the B-sides, the break, the break if you thought my energy was weird towards the end of this you gotta hear the b-sides the break the break track well thank you guys so much for being on thank you for having us thank you for having us yeah you guys gotta come on our podcast now we gotta go on their podcast and then we gotta kill if i were you and then you got it it sucks but you have to die you have to die there can be to die. There can be only three. No, you're dead too. What the fuck?

Yeah, fuck. They weren't just talking about me, man. Hey, I hope they've got podcasts in hell. Nice. They definitely do. Andrew Field impression. I can't get no life anymore. Hey, I hope down there they got some podcasts. I'm going to need a job.

I get no hello fresh ads. I keep getting hello fresh ads some podcast I'm gonna need a job I get no hello fresh ads I keep getting hello fresh ads, but I'm dead No respect I don't know what kind of food they got down there I'm gonna need that freshly Please tell me you cut the recording Unfortunately I have power

And I haven't touched a damn thing Turn it off Okay, okay Okay, goodbye guys End this, please. And I haven't touched a damn thing. Show me. Turn them off. Okay. Okay. Okay. Goodbye, guys. That was a Hiddem Original.