Keeping Records - Best Of: The First 75 Episodes

Episode Date: August 19, 2022

The moment you've all been waiting for... an episode long in the making.... the Keeping Records phone has been ringing off the hook.... audiences have been begging....... for Anya and Casey to step up to the mic. Also in this episode: all your favorite moments in Keeping Records history, according to you. Eat it up, lil freaks!!!!! And don't forget that we're BACK NEXT WEEK, August 26th, WITH A BRAND NEW EPISODE!!!!! Hallelujah.  Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamualaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Welcome to the very best episode of Keeping Records.

The very first best of episode of Keeping Records. Okay, this is crazy. Casey, what does it feel like to finally be on mic for once? It feels crazy to be here talking to everybody. And we're like the main voices here because Shelby's not here. Caleb's not here. It's just us and the little freaks, finally. Yeah, finally. Like they've always wanted.

No, it feels powerful and good. Yeah. So let's do this. Hey yeah you know we're here we're here because we put the call out for your favorite moments in keeping records history and the results were shocking you all picked some of the most unhinged moments in audio history ever recorded to tape so let's begin with maybe the most unhinged of them all. A story that starts off sweetly and simply and quickly devolves into depravity. The story of Joe Firestone and her dog. Joe, how is your life? How are you? How is everything? Well, you know, I got this guy here. He's being quiet. Who is he?

His name's Loaf. He's doing pretty good right now. I'm kind of shocked that he's not screaming. Joe, do you know Wolf's political affiliation? Loaf. Loaf or Wolf? Loaf. Loaf.

But he's- Call him by his name. He kind of likes, well, like basically basically let me just, I'll say this. He loves to eat. He bites people. I mean that. Oh, he's a libertarian. Yeah.

He does. He loves Gary Johnson. He loves to eat and bites people. Does have Gary Johnson. He's British as well, I think, Joe. Yeah, he's British. That is another thing. Does that affect his affiliation? does have Gary Johnson he's British as well I think Joe yeah he's British that is another thing

does that affect his affiliation but he won't let me and my boyfriend touch he won't he'll bark or want he really hates that

as well so I don't know what that means exactly that's kind of cool I think I'm into that yeah it's cool no it definitely feels good older brother

protective energy yeah or yeah something cause then he does love her yeah he does love her. Yeah. He does end up wanting to lick me. It feels weird.

There's something weird going on. Oh no. I will say the licking component certainly changed things. It did switch things up a little bit. The licking bites everyone, but he likes Joe. I was like, Oh cool.

He doesn't want her to, you know, be with the guy. And then Joe says, well, he licks me a lot. And I said, well,

that is certainly different, isn't it? Hmm how long have you and your dog been together yeah we we've been kind of uh just kind of seeing each other on and off for like about a little over two years it's been a hot and cold situation you never know with us yeah you did bite my cousin so that was a hard time for us i feel like maybe caleb and shelby twisted her words and her meaning sure i mean there aren't the gentlest hosts in podcast history but to be fair to our friends caleb and shelby joe did end up adding this to her record

and then my last one i don't it doesn't feel appropriate i think it's totally up to you but i think you gotta okay it really takes on a different um when when dog wants to come near you. And now it feels weird and I wish it wasn't last. We had finale. We had no way of knowing what it would come to mean. God, do we think of it differently now. Joe said, and the grand finale when your dog just wants to be close.

And when you want it to. And when it's one of your favorite things. Oops. No, Joe, I agree Yeah, there's a way to kind of edit this episode So it doesn't seem like I'm kind of dog pervert, right? No, I don't think there is Oh, okay

I think all the editing in the world would still land Would still land us right where we are Which is, people are going to walk away from this episode and go I don't know what that lady does with her dog And I don't think I want to. Oh, man. But somehow the episode got still more depraved. It started with Shelby doing some research on rats.

I did zone out, and that was so that I could research, why do we have rats in the ecosystem? And I have some answers for you guys. None of them are satisfying to me, to be clear. The first thing that happened was just like honestly

kind of like romanticizing them. They're like, they're smart, they're empathetic, they're affectionate, they love to laugh. I hate that. Well, it's terrifying to think that they might by the way oh sorry could we get a could we find a clip of a rat laughing oh boy i hope mike mike is that if that's possible would love to know oh my god see what happens when you tickle a rat on National Geographic. Rats are vital to the ecosystem because they play an important role in prompting tree growth and spreading seeds. Okay.

See the leaves. The leaves, they work together. Yeah. And that's so true. And also, they're scavengers and opportunistic eaters. So they'll eat garbage and other things that people throw away. So they get a little bit rid of our trash. A little bit rid of, yeah.

And they're an important part of the predatory system. Okay. Owls, falcons, hawks eat rats. So without rats, we don't have those things either, which I think also probably have. Can I tell you something about rants? Please. This guy I went to school with, he made it his art project to make a three-piece suit out of rats. No! Joe!

What? Vest. Pants. No! No! Where did you go to school? What was the project? He skinned the rats. He tried to eat the rats. No, he did you go to school? What was the project? He skinned the rats. He tried to eat the rats. He did not do that. Three-piece suit.

Vest. Jacket. Pants. Not vest. Vest. Jacket. Pants! The vest is the weirdest part. No! Did it look good? Yeah. Yeah. When the writer Samantha Irby stopped by the show, she

taught us all the incredible power of language as self-expression. Truly only a wordsmith like Samantha could come up with such literally criminal turns of phrase to describe wanting to have S-E-X with superhero actor Henry Cavill. Let's listen.

Mission Impossible, Fallout specifically, it like so obviously cost a billion dollars to make. The stunts are incredible. But he does those himself. Yes. There's this fight. Oh, also Henry Cavill is in it who I would let him split me like a wishbone you have to stop not split me like a wishbone

I agree yeah you're not wrong but Jesus I'd let him fuck me in the middle of a daycare with the lights on Jesus Christ he's oh my god I'm so fine. You would do jail time for that.

She said, I'll register as a sex offender for you. Sam, why are you walking so far away from that school? Never mind, Henry Cavill. I had one shot, one opportunity. I took it. Don't park the car here. There's a middle school over there. I can't.

I had 15 minutes of a good time and now... And who could forget the edge of your seat saga that was Beth's... And who could forget... Now I'm... No, you're doing...

It's good. I think keep the fuck-ups in. And who could forget the edge of your seat saga that was Beth's telling ordering a sandwich delivery that mysteriously ended up at her neighbor's door.

Her neighbor, who it turns out, is Beth's enemy. And the Postmates delivery person was also, it seemed, Beth's enemy. A tale of two enemies. Someone is knocking at my door.

Who is it? Oh, I did. Oh my gosh. Hold on. Sorry. I'm on a podcast. It's her postmates. Get them to do it.

It's their postmates. So Beth's postmates just arrived, and I don't think she's going to have them in to say something on the pod, but I really wish she would. Oh, they've come to my house. Okay. I ordered more. No, it's okay. I really wish she would. Oh, they've come to my house. Okay, I ordered more. No, it's okay. I'm on a podcast.

Did you already start eating them? No. Oh. But they've been sitting there a while, so it feels like some of it was in the bag. Yeah, just leave them for now, because I ordered more, so hopefully they'll be here.

And if not, I'll call you. But I am on a podcast, so I have to go. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, I'll knock if I need him. I mean, what the hell? It's hard for me to be nice sometimes when it comes to a neighbor. Who was that?

Your neighbor. My neighbor, yeah. You should have had her in to be on the pod. You guys, it would have been one of the biggest regrets of your life. I mean, you can still hear her. Jesus Christ. It's too much. What did you order?

Also, I need to know. And do you have more coming in multiple orders? Yes, I have more coming. Because I said, I reported it to Postmates and said they weren't delivered and I didn't tip the girl. Because I thought, where is it? It's not here. She left it upstairs. That's not my place.

I don't know what to tell you. I don't live there. So now I feel bad that Elizabeth didn't get a tip, but I also didn't get the sandwiches. She's saying. So how many sandwiches total do you have coming i had i ordered two sandwiches i ordered two chips and i ordered two drinks and so now we have four sandwiches four chips but she said they've been sitting there for a while and i'm like i did you hear me i go did you open them and then you just kept saying, I've got more coming.

Did you hear me? I was bragging about being on a podcast. Yeah. I'm on a podcast, so I have to go. Things are really crazy for me right now. I'm recording a podcast. I can't talk to you right now about delivering my food to me. I've got more coming.

I mean, I'll bet Elizabeth's pissed. But guess what, Elizabeth? Freaking get your head on straight and look at my door that says the number. And I have a freaking paper sign taped to the pillar so people don't get confused. I mean, what more can I do? That's on Elizabeth. That is on Elizabeth. You know, like, call me if you need help finding me right Elizabeth if you're listening

yeah apologies I tip well when the sandwiches make it to me and not to Mindy upstairs Elizabeth you're off the records Mindy you're on because we overheard you on the mic I mean it looks like delivery by 613

from Hatem b okay well i can't wait to see if they can get it right i mean i got the freaking curtain open right here i was of course i'm gonna order more sandwiches i didn't get them i once ordered when we first moved here i ordered vegan fried chicken sandwiches oh this is crazy yeah this was crazy one i ordered one sandwich and then they said they canceled it so i went to the place and bought two yeah i was like well now i'm going i'll get two i'll have one for later because i'm out of my home you understand then the delivery came and they gave me five. And then someone else came and delivered me two. What?

I mean, make it make sense. And for days, it was like, well, I guess the only thing I can eat is this. Shelby also, Shelby is one of the most, like, it's one of the least wasteful people I know. So she really, every day for like a week, was like dutifully going to the kitchen and getting another sandwich and being like, I have to eat it. I'm opening the box. I'm like, yes, it's another vegan chicken sandwich. She's like sighing in the kitchen.

I'm like, are you eating another sandwich? She's like, yeah, it's been two weeks. What are you making for dinner? And I said, what do I have? Do I have a choice? I'm like, yeah, throw it out, hon. Tears streaming down my face. I say, I don't have any choice.

I have the chicken sandwiches. I have to eat the chicken sandwiches. Caleb and Shelby have some strongly held opinions, one might say. What is this podcast, if not ultimately an opportunity for them to tell us what they like and don't like and why for an hour. But their particular beliefs were no match for the undisputed king of hot takes, Robbie Hoffman, who wants to outlaw a certain type of footwear for certain demographics. So for me, it's like, I don't want to see someone in flip-flops. I think there is a culture surrounding flip-flops that makes anyone who wears them immediately, it's an assault to me. But if someone's showing foot in a Birkenstock or like a different type sandal, I actually can get on board.

I don't think men should ever show me their feet. I just don't. I think feet is for kids and women. Like the Titanic. Like, you know, women and children, women and children first. That's what I think feet is. Men. You were just saying that men's feet are better than women.

So there's many nuances out there. In 2022, we're having a nuanced conversation. Yeah. Yes. Men. When people are, listen, I can't stop people. If it was, if I was king of the world. Yes. No flip flops allowed. No question. Yeah. Yes, men wear flip-flops. So you admit. So when people, listen, I can't stop people. If I was king of the world, yes, no flip-flops allowed.

No question. Okay? But when people are wearing flip-flops, men wear them better. Men seem to not, men seem to wear something other.

But you would stop them. Okay. But you would stop them from doing it. Oh, if I, yeah. King of the world, nobody's in them. But women and children

if they need. Children, I don't care. What would i don't care what would be the need what would be the need well kids like they can't really use laces like i don't know get them in your boston's no kids can't do loosey-goosey for a child right i have to say women and children that. That's my policy on Flip Flops. Listening back to all these episodes in this way, we can also hear the gravitas with which Caleb and Shelby approach hosting the show. They clearly studied the greats, the Terry Grosses, the Ira Glasses, to learn how to ask thoughtful questions and hold space for the guest to answer thoughtfully. In no interview was that more clear

than when the two of them sat down with Mitra Jahari. I do. I want to know. Actually, this isn't really about the show so much as Mitra's outlook on the world. I want to know, Mitra, if you had to pick, what is the number one thing you think aliens could learn from musical theater kids? And what is the number one thing that you would want them to take as a cautionary tale from musical theater kids? It's dicey for Caleb to say this because Caleb is profoundly not a musical theater kid and hates musical theater.

I get to serve these questions up and then back off though. That's the nice thing. Mitra has the authority. Oh yeah, no, I know. Okay. I think what I love about musical theater is that like,

it is stupid. Like you go there and everybody's just being like, it's a sunny day in Florida. But you have this like unspoken agreement that like, yes, it's stupid, but we are here sitting and watching you and you are here on the stage giving it everything and i think that agreement is like really special and like it's just so joyful and i love that like i i just think like you can't be

cynical watching it like of course you can come in and be like that's so stupid why are you doing this i'm right here six feet away from you and you're pretending to be in like 1948 or something like that grow up but i just like i think aliens can learn like earnest like how like what it what it's like to really like be present and like yourself out there. Because to do something so dumb with your whole heart is really beautiful. The importance of being earnest. The importance of being earnest. They could learn the importance of being earnest. They could learn the importance of being earnest.

But I would say... They could learn the importance of being earnest. Oh, the importance of being earnest. They could learn the importance of being earnest. Oh my God, I just thought about that. I just thought of that i was just i'm sorry i have to i have to cut in and say i was just sitting here listening to mitra talk about musical theater and i was thinking can i cut you off can i cut you off yeah i was thinking that's sort of like the importance of being the importance of being earnest exactly yeah i was like this is a great example of the importance of being earnest mitra any thoughts um yeah i guess at the end of

the day that's true mitra is texting her manager on the side right now like get me off call me save this i'm so bored i talk for 20 minutes straight and I'm bored it's not even that you're annoyed that we cut you off so many times it's that you're bored it would be so much more reasonable for you to be like they won't even let me speak I'm just not I'm just not interested I'm not excited by uh they keep cutting me off and then cutting each other off. That. To say the same bit that isn't funny.

Actually, actually, that is, if I could give one review, if I want anyone to take anything away about our podcast, it's they're cutting

their guests off and each other off to do the same bit that isn't funny. That's, to me, that's keeping records. Hey, if any of you listening want to right now, give us a five star review with that verbatim. We'd love that.

Run, don't walk. When Katie Delaney stopped by the pod, she launched a scorched earth campaign against her least favorite category of human, Disney adults. The first thing that I'm putting on my record are Disney adults. Wow. And when I say that, I mean adults that are obsessed with Disney World, all things Disney, you know, just people know what Disney adults are, right? Yeah.

God, I hope so. Because you have to protect yourself. You have to know what they are are, right? Yeah. God, I hope so. Because you have to protect yourself. You have to know what they are in order to protect yourself. Yeah. You have to be able to recognize one on the street so that you can just, like, act accordingly. So I've become very familiar with the Disney adults in the last few months. And then I started watching. I found Disney adult Tik TOK, and that's just a whole other brand of just like cringe, like,

like wholesome, but stupid. And like, there's just, there's a lot there. I think Disney adults belong on this record because to me, it's like the ultimate amalgam of capitalism. Like, I think you immediately understand what capitalism is and that that was like a dominating like religion, basically. Yeah, that capitalism can build a personality somehow. Uh-huh.

And people being obsessed with rekindling their youth or like, or not even moving on from their youth, I think in a lot of situations where it's like like these people just at 10 years old or five years old saw The Little Mermaid and then decided they never had to see another movie or find out about anything else ever. And then that's just the thing that they like. And that's it forever. I think that's very interesting. There's just a lot. I mean, I'm going to let you guys talk now because I've been monologuing, but I think there's a lot there in terms of Disney adults and what it says about humans.

A moment made more memorable by the revelation that Katie was at one point herself a Disneyland annual pass holder. Katie, what do you say? Because I've come for Disney adults before and I've encountered the person I'm about to play for you. What do you say to someone who says, let people enjoy things? Don't yuck their young. Let the Disney adults. Why rain on their freaky parade?

Truly freaky. Let me be clear. I'm putting them on the record. So I'm celebrating them. That's true. That's true. I do talk some shit about Disney adults. I think more now than perhaps I would have,

let's say a year ago, because I think that they're putting themselves and others in danger by being involved, going to Disney World and all that stuff. But I think in general, like, let me make myself clear. Thank you. I like to go to Disneyland. I at one point in I think it was 2014, I had an annual pass and I went like 20 times. You had an annual pass and I went like 20 times. You had an annual pass? Yeah. When you get an annual pass, it becomes, you like get your money back within like three visits. And I had a friend who was like, let's just do it for this year. And I was like, fine. And we went a bunch of times.

I feel like I'm talking to someone who escaped a cult and is now telling the truth about it. Like, I think there's nothing wrong with loving disney i like to go to disneyland and i like to watch disney movies and i think it's fine but it's the like disney adults don't have anything else and it it worries me like it's it's this woman that i watch on the livestream, she is like... The plates in her home have Mickey on them. Terrifying. It's Mickey everything. It's everything to these people.

And it's like, I'm trying to imagine what thing I love that much that I'm like, that's it. Everything in my house is... When I was 10, it would have been Leonardo DiCaprio and he would have been monogrammed on my plates and just everything Leonardo DiCaprio. No. Even as a 10-year-old, I would have been like, this is a little too far. A little much. This is overkill.

It's things made for children and it's just... I should have prepared what I was going to say a little bit more because I'm getting so worked up thinking about how deranged Disney adults are. They really are so visibly stressed. It's confusing to me. But perhaps nothing was more shocking than when we realized in the middle of the segment that Shelby has no idea what Disneyland is.

Is there rides at the Disney LA place? Are there rides at Disneyland? Yeah, or is it like a show? Are you serious? Isn't one of them like not? Yeah, there are rides at Disneyland. Have you been to Disneyland? First of all, yes, but not since I was little.

But I swear I went to one that was like mostly not rides. You probably went to downtown Disney. Well, that sucks. Why would my parents have taken me to that? Well, you don't have to pay to go into that. So there's like a little like shopping district. So you're telling me my parents were too cheap. They flew me to go to a Disney thing and they were too cheap to pay. I really wish I knew where you went because

it might've been in Florida. What's in Florida. Well, I hate that. I know all this cause I watched these things, but downtown Disney to Florida is called downtown or Disney Springs. And it's like, it's like a fucking mall and there's all, there's like, it's like a fucking mall. And there's all, there's shows, there's all sorts of stuff. Maybe that's where I went. I went somewhere that there were not rides. And I just had to like shake hands with like Snoopy. Do they have rides?

Snoopy is not a Disney character. You went to Six Flags. Maybe it's not Snoopy. Snoopy's at Cedar Point. No, I didn't go to Six Flags. You're right. Did you go to Epcot? I don't know.

Where are you from? Probably. No, I don't go to Six Flags. You're right. Did you go to Epcot? I don't know. Where are you from? Probably. I don't know. I don't go as an adult. Epcot has rides. Like, Epcot doesn't have as many rides, but Epcot has rides. But maybe you went to Epcot and you were just walking around all the countries. Okay, Casey, hold on.

We have to go to break. Oh. You know, Casey, compile... You know, Casey, compiling this best of show has been a nice exercise in finding parallels between things our myriad guests have brought along to send into space for the aliens. A commonality, a shared humanity. That does sound nice. What's one theme you've noticed? Well, okay, there seems to be this collective need to send the aliens something dairy related.

Here's another thing Joe Firestone added to her record. No, Joe, really, what's next on your records? Okay, should I buzz through them? No, we got a couple minutes. Okay. Okay, well, I'll go ahead and do macaroni stirring noise. Which I'll have to say is kind of, you know, that's a questionable choice, but I love it. Mike, do we have it? I'm going to throw up. I love mac and cheese so much and this is so disgusting

the disembodied okay turn it off turn it off it's the disembodied. Okay, turn it off. Turn it off. It's the disembodied noise. It's making my stomach feel weird. It got into my bones. I got hot.

My body got hot. I really think I almost threw up. The length of time that it played for. It has to be exactly that long for the aliens. It's too long. I hated it because you can't see anything with it, so it's not doing anything fun. It's just... Joe, please tell me you want to be able to see the mac and cheese when you hear the noise. Please.

Please tell me that what we just played is not your dream. Please. I think that's what I want. I think that's what I want. I think that's what I want. Oh my God. They're going to hate it. What's the thought process? This is the sound of dinner.

I think that could be great. You can't say this is the sound of dinner with it what do you think they're gonna think joe they get here into it we get here people are like hey do you want to get dinner no And they go. No, no. They scream, cry, bleed from the eyes. No. They're sobbing. Yeah, they're having a bad, they have a bad reaction.

And then war starts. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. I see what you mean. I don't want war to start for sure, but it did seem like even if you just just looked at Mike while he was playing it, he was getting such a kick out of that. We were really roughing, and that was something that I want to see the aliens do. You know what I mean?

I want to see the aliens start coughing and shaking. Coughing, shaking, almost throwing up, getting overheated. Joe said, I have a weird feeling in my stomach. It got into my bones. Think that was sickening? You don't even know what it's like to hear Caleb truly gag into your headphones until Tamia Hia stopped by. I actually, I went to a wedding a couple years ago and there was a pregnant woman and I said,

could I try it? And she squeezed and a rod of milk came out. A rod? It was a rod. She said, it's getting hard. And it had like churned. Wait, your milk can spoil in breast? It hardens, it turns to rods.

I'm sorry, I'm actually going to throw up. I'm sorry. Speaking of throwing up, quite genuinely, and I sort of alluded to this before the recording, but my neighbor this morning threw up for, I'm not kidding, six hours. So it's no longer morning. Morning to afternoon, and I'm sure into the evening.

The fact that it's hot. I'm sorry. I have a question about the hard milk. I have a question about the hard milk. I have a question about the hard milk. If a baby is eating, drinking, and they get the hard milk, but they're not yet supposed to have solid foods. Guys, you know it turned me to... No, so say you're a baby.

You're too young to have solid foods. You can't chew. You have no teeth. And you're just, you can't digest that yet. You say, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. It comes out. It's a rod. Sorry.

What happens to the kid? What do they do? It chokes because it doesn't have teeth to chew on it yet. And that happens? No, no, no, no. No, it doesn't? But it has sometimes rods. How does a baby know?

Guys, how great is the word rod? I'm going to throw up. I'm really going to be sick. You're going to throw up. Just do it already. Well, get ready. Get ready for my pics. The human body cannot be trusted.

I can't believe that milk can harden in breast. I thought breasts were the natural refrigerator. The milk could never spoil. I don't like knowing that. I don't like knowing that that can happen. Guys, we peak too soon. No, no, we're good. Oh my God. Ew. And I'm sorry. I guess I missed it because I was actually so violently ill from hearing that news. Did you eat the milk spiral? The milk? The curly fry. Yes. Did you eat the milk fry? The milk? The curly fry.

Yes. Did you eat the milk fry? You did? At the bathroom of a wedding. And I went, nom, nom, nom, nom. And I actually said, Caleb, I said, not for me. Just like you said. It's literally not for me.

It's not for me. For you, it really was not for you. That was for someone. And now for something a little more appetizing. An international dairy addition to the record from guest Lily Sullivan. Well, Lily, we brought you here to ask you if we were making a new golden record and you were in charge. What would you put on it? What would you put on it? What would you put on it? What would you put on it? What would you put on it?

What would you put on it? Sorry. Sorry. Go ahead. Do you want me to talk? What would you put on it if you were in charge to put on it? Well, so to put on it...

If you were in charge. If I was in charge, number one would be this beautiful Italian commercial for Parmigiano-Reggiano. And say that again. Parmigiano-Reggiano. And say that again. Parmigiano-Reggiano. And you are from Italy.

No. Just one more. What? Will you give it to us? No, right now. Parmigiano. Parmigiano-Reggiano. Parmigiano-Reggiano.

Reggiano. Parmigiano-Reggiano. Parmigiano-Reggiano. Parmigiano-Reggiano. Parmigiano. Let's watch. Hell yeah. No, this rocks, yeah.

You're gonna, yeah. Oh my god. Dancing tomatoes. Dancing peppers. Okay, beautiful. Pasta. Of different shapes. Different. Garlic and onion. Okay, beautiful. Pasta. Of different shapes. Garlic and onion.

Okay. I did clock one of the pasta guys as being fuckable. I was going to sing along, but not yet. It's kind of a banger. Do you guys feel like this song is good? It's really good. I think so, too. I was about to be like, what language is this?

Obviously Italian. Oh my God, they do their little butt shake. Wait, there's one cow. I love that. I struggle with things in other languages because I don't know what they're saying. I can tell you for sure at one point they're saying Parmigiano-Reggiano. This part, all they're saying

is Parmigiano-Reggiano. That's it. Do you guys want to hear the original song? Yeah. What? Yes, I do. Of course.

We got to the dancing garbage. Wait, what? Oh, wait. This is a Christmas version. Oh, Christmas tomatoes. They're having a lot of fun. They're having a lot of fun They're having a fucking blast This can't be an advertisement For Parmesan cheese

It is They show it so infrequently The disembodied hand is scary Is that okay to say? How do they have the budget? There's a lot that's scary about it Oh it's snowing The hand is one of the scariest parts

The hand's cause it's all solo. Yeah, it is really kind of. It's the only really hyper-realistic part. Yes. And it's disembodied. It's really fucked up. Do we want to hear the original song you asked? Oh, and it's a Kirkland brand.

Oh, no. No, that's just the next video. They're talking straight up Italiano. whoa is this a band so it's an old song oh my god there was a historical context is it russian i had no okay so this is no worry't, they don't say Parmigiano-Reggiano in this version. What is the chorus? I'll find out. Anya, why were your parents listening to non-Russian music? I'm scared.

Is it going to make me look bad? Okay. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria.

Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Maria. Bands used to be able to be ugly. It's not social. You didn't have to be hot to have a band that used to be. The lead singer's pretty. This is kind of like Peter, Paul, and Mary, to be honest, if you think about it. This is what? Peter, Paul, and Mary vibes.

It's Peter, Paul, and Mary from a rural town in Italy. No one in the band is cute, and they don't need to be. She's pretty. She is. I think she probably has a lovely personality. Her haircut and her outfit

is confusing. Yeah, but her face. It's giving Italian Tammy Faye. Her face is pretty. I think she has a beautiful spirit. Thank you, Anya. Anya, she's pretty.

I honestly don't. She is pretty. What is her problem? I think she has a wonderful personality. I'd love to be friends. I'm sorry to say, I don't mind her. I'm absolutely fine.

It's good for me, and that's okay, isn't it? See, the thing is, the guy on the left. No, Lily. You're going to fuck Keys? You know that he would be nice. Oh, I think they would. I'd love to hang out and do maybe like dinner with them No The thing is

The guy on the right, that guy Everyone expects you to fuck that guy Right, but the one on the left But that's why you fuck the guy on the left Because he's so broken down He would be so grateful He's so happy to be there He'll do whatever you want.

Jesus Christ. I think that's assault. Of who? He's happy to be there. He's so broken down. He'll do whatever you want. That's insane. But that's what society did to him.

That's true. I mean, no, he'll be into the sex, but you're like, this is what I'm into. And he's like, I'll do whatever you want. He literally would be so grateful to spend the night with you. He would be like, what can I do? Right. And we didn't break him down. Society broke him down.

It's not our fault. We're just capitalizing on it. We're bringing him back to life, honestly. I think we can have enough of them. I think we've had plenty of them. Of Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria. I think my ultimate take on them is they seem like lovely people. I'd love to maybe do dinner.

Or we could do like a board game night. Oh my god. Well, wow. I had no idea that there was an original version of this song, so thank you. Anya, wow. What do you think an alien seeing the dancing foods would think? Yeah, do you worry about that?

You've seen the commercial of the aliens watching. It may come down. They think eggplants dance. They think tomatoes are dancing. I'm not really worried about that part. I think there is. I reject that wholesale. And here's why.

And here's why. I think, first of all, I think that they would be, I think it's got a beautiful sentiment because it shows you that food is living and food is alive as well. And that they can work together to make something really special. Yes. Is it a little dark that they're essentially about to cook themselves all together? Yeah. Sort of trotted off to slaughter.

They're literally all going to like commit suicide together in a pot. Jump into the pot. Sausage party vibes. Sausage party vibes. Sausage party vibes. Yeah, exactly. And then the Parmigiano-Reggiano is just sort of this like beautiful topping of love.

And then the Parmigiano-Reggiano. And then the Parmigiano-Reggiano is obviously. And then what I think intellectually is that the Parmigiano-Reggiano is actually. When I think about, well, first of all, I like this commercial not only because of the content.

The song is amazing. I sing it all the time, to be honest. That sounds awesome. That sounds awesome. I'm so glad you're doing that. And I think the aliens would really like it. And then I think. I think so.

Clearly, it's this beautiful show. It's a really fun. They're all in these cool costumes. I'm drunk. And finally, Parmigiano-Reggiano is a really good. And then finally, you know, you take a look at Parmigiano-Reggiano. And that's actually so beautiful, right? I actually had a professor once who told me intellectually that Parmigiano- talked about it in class we're doing theological they said that actually parmigiano

touches different parts of your taste they said that actually there's different versions of in every country when you actually think about it besides your mouth back when you it's like you're a killer. Have you ever killed? Not a human. Scarier than saying no. Scarier than saying no or yes, by the way. Scarier than saying yes?

I think so. Okay. Yeah. Disagree. But we can have those disagreements. Not a human. Not a animal. A bug? But I killed a spider last night.

I don't think just dairy really qualifies as a theme. Okay, Casey. What about the fact that statistically three out of five guests have tried to add the Kim Cattrall scatting video to the golden record? And we have to tell them it's already been sent to the aliens by Moona guitarist Naomi McPherson. Is a piece of art like the Kim Cattrall scatting video. That's high art. Kim Cattrall.

Kim Cattrall of Sex and the City fame. The second greatest white musician. The second greatest white musician. The second greatest white musician. Of all time. And the third being Kim Cattrall's husband. Yeah, who plays stand-up bass. And I don't know, I don't know good versus bad stand-up bass, but it doesn't seem like he is playing it well. I read poetry and sonnets, and he plays the upright bass.

The whole thing defies logic. Every aspect of it, I find to be deeply concerning and confusing, but also very, very funny. And there's something a little bit endearing about it. And there's something deeply, like, Shakespearean level tragic about it. Yeah. Yeah. He's the real, he's, like, the real tragic character of that video, in a way, because I do think, like, he is trying to be really, they're both trying to be good at what they're doing I don't I can't say whether or not he's being

good at what he's doing well I think the thing is is that he's trying to be good and he's quietly doing that which always right to me is like it's like more earnest she's putting on a show with it and she's also really trying and and that's embarrassing and her that makes it more embarrassing like his trying

is a little bit less embarrassing. Like it's like, he's just doing his best, but he's trying so hard to please his wife who spoiler alert, like they divorce. She also at the end of the scatting and note that I'm putting some quotes around scatting. She rubs his chest and then it cuts back to the interview.

And she says, We just have a good rhythm together, you know? He sort of feels me out, I feel him out. And we go for it. And it's like, oh, you guys went for it. Yeah. He feels me out. She doesn't say I feel him out.

Then we go for it. I think a lyric, a lot of it is just sounds, but there is some lyricism. Well, he bit all the he-dogs and winked at all the she-dogs. The town never knew such a hullabaloo as that little dog raised till the end of that day. Well, he bit all the he-dogs and winked at all the she-dogs. And the town never knew such a hullabaloo as the little dog raced till the end of that day.

And that was just you reading it. If I could, this is her performing it. Well, he bit all the he-dogs and winked at all the she-dogs and the town never knew such a hullabaloo. It's also amazing how she ends it. She's as the little dog raised to the end of that that day it's like it's so powerful yeah like one of those moms who would read at the kindergarten

class like would read a book and then be like and the dog raised to the end of that day. It's so incredible. Getting to show anyone this video is like one of my life's greatest pleasures. It's like, if you haven't seen this video, I need to be there to experience what it's like for you seeing this for the first time. I've showed it to a few people. It is such a delight. Naomi, was it shown to you or did you discover it organically on the web it was shown to me i can't remember by whom which is a shame because i would love to give credit where credit is due but it was shown to me in college i mean they deserve a pair a winter pair

their season uh for that that that the kim control scouting video is like it's the beethoven of youtube it's like it is a perfect genius video um it was shown to me i watched it 100 times i have pretty much all of it memorized i think about it all the time the amount of like space is taken up in my brain is immeasurable at this point and i i still laugh about it it's been years i think about it and it makes me laugh it's it's an incredible it's an incredible video everything about it and the fact that they got divorced is so yeah brutal will you give us will you give us your take of it will you give us your best read of it yeah i'll give you my best read uh i need to okay so if i fuck up let me let me set the stage okay

here we go uh ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between naomi mcpherson as kim the curtains open um uh my husband or something i read poetry and sonnets and my husband plays the upright bass and then he's playing and then she goes yamakipa yebo setere fakabo in the latin he quoth uj safa suray screaming and then a full-blown scream um well he he bit at all the she-dogs, winked at all the she-dogs. The town never knew such a hullabaloo. It was a little dog race till the end of that

day. You know, we just have a great rhythm together. I feel him out, he feels me out, and we go for it. We go for it! That's pretty much, that's close. That's it. That's it. I will say this about her. She did go for it. They went for it. That's pretty much, that's close. That's it. That's it.

I will say this about her. She did go for it. They went for it. I mean, he went for it, you know, but she went for it. He wasn't matching her energy. Yeah, she had, that's the best stage presence I've ever seen. It had zero irony. I mean, the way she moves her body and the fact that she calls them sonnets i mean it's really next level i uh it's also it's it's like it's there's something so

just wild about it like it starts with kind of scatting it ends with the scream and then she segues into what is probably an actual sonnet or, like, some kind of old poem. Like, or some kind of bizarre, like... Oh, the he-dog-she-dog bit. That seems real. The beginning of that is scat. Yeah. Yeah.

It's incredible stuff. It's scat from a six-year-old white woman. It's scat the way it wasn't meant to be done oh not at all there's another video i wish i could i wish i knew how to find it but there's an incredible video also related to scouting of like a high school choir do and they're all white there's like one there's maybe one black person in the whole choir and they had their it's like jazz and then they all take turns scatting. It's one of the most tragic things I've ever seen. I'll try and find it and I'll email it later. And that's the third best white musician.

Without a doubt. Is that quiet? You telling us that felt to me like the first time I heard that for sale baby shoes never worn thing. It got sadder with every word because yeah you hear all white choir and you go no matter where this goes if they all live and perform a song it's the saddest thing that i've ever heard it's tough yeah it's sad it's sad unless it's like appalachian folk music somehow right but even that in its own way can be problematic yeah and then to hear that there's one person of color instead of zero you're like at this point save them get them out let them get

anywhere else um that is the plot of get out like that's that's get out truly that is get out get out to choir edition um and the thing that they're stealing isn't the physical bodies, it's the music. It's the rhythm. And Kim Cattrall was not the only iconic white musician to get dragged on an episode of the show. Not even the late, great Tony Bennett was spared from the scathing Keeping Records treatment. You guys, someone got mad at me the other day because they were trying to talk about Tony Bennett and I didn't know who it was. And then I said,

I said, you mean the old guy who does concerts with Lady Gaga? And I was being serious and they got mad. I guess he's like a jazz legend or something. We really don't know who Tony Bennett is. Who were you talking to? Because I was present. Were you? Yeah, I remember this conversation. I kind of thought it was at work who are you talking to because i was present were you yeah i remember

this conversation i kind of thought it was at work were you listening to me at work were you listening to me on zoom i don't think maybe i just messed my hair up um yeah but they got mad at me i don't i didn't know he was i just i thought he was somebody that lady gaga was like doing some sort of not charity but like some i thought i thought he was some sort of like she was trying to like help him come up i'm not even a gaga stand i'm not trying to be like i i really genuinely was just like oh that's nice that she does that with that guy like he's like he's like he's starting to make it in the end. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like a make a wish. I mean, you know, I guess.

He's so old. Oh my God. That's insane. It is soaking wet in here. Yeah. For those who can't visually see, which is all of you, Shelby just did a spit take. That is insane.

You know, like an old person version of Make-A-Wish. Oh my God. Like geriatric. What would that be called? What would you call it if it was like an old group of people who get to do one last fun thing? Oh man, that's really... Make a concession. I think it would be called like One Last Ride.

Yeah. Maybe like... Pour one out. Match point. Match point. Live like you were dying. Like Obama. Wait, what is that song?

Did you say like Obama? Like tomorrow was a friend. Like it got eternity. Think about what you do with it. What would you do with it? I said, what would I do with it? I went skydiving. I went Rocky Mountain Climbing.

I went 2.7 seconds on a bullman's shoes. And I love you, and I love you, and I love you, and I love you. Can you forgive me? I wondered who would fuck it up and it was Colin. Oh, fuck. I'll say someday I hope you get the chance to live like you die. Wait, Casey. I think we just entered our musical break.

I'm going to do that another way because that's going to sound insane. Wait, Casey. I think we just. What's that? Okay. If you let me finish. Okay. Sorry.

I think we just entered our musical break. Oh. Now, Brownie. Delete them. Next deal. And defend her still today. Can I say something that song you love America

that song bangs that song goes fucking crazy dude that song sorry but he put his fucking foot into that bitch

and I stand up next to you and defend her still today I wish it was about anything else but it's not.

There ain't no doubt I love these lambs. God bless the USA. It fucking rips, dog. If it came on in the club, I would be shaking my ass. I'd be posted up on somebody's son shaking my ass. We are so convinced to hate this country that we won't admit that that song pays. That song goes fucking bananas. That and the Toby Keith one?

Yes. We'll stick a boot in your ass. It's the American way. That thing? Goes off. Yeah. Makes me want to watch the movie Red Dawn. Okay, little freaks.

We're coming to the end of the show, and we know a lot of you have been wondering why Caleb has had to step down as co-host of Keeping Records. And we feel like you deserve answers. Well, little freaks that listen closely will have noticed that I can't see your names in the way. Well, little freaks. Well names in the way. Well, little freaks. Well, well, well, little freaks.

If you listen closely, you may have noticed that Caleb had been dropping hints about his next project for months. Roll the clip. Me. Hi, Shep. How you doing? Doing. How are you? Busy as all get out just industry industry industry so i mean you name it so been busy working working working just working you know that's awesome king yeah oh my god yeah i'm i'm going down to um i just got a new gig. I'm playing

Spider-Man on Hollywood Boulevard. Oh my god. I thought you were saying in a new film and I was like they're doing another but on Hollywood Boulevard is even bigger in a lot of ways. Well more people will see it. That's what I was going to say because it's not their choice.

In a theater they have to choose to see you. I'm playing fat gay Spider-Man on Hollywood Boulevard. And we are thrilled to see it. And me and Batman are going to do some OnlyFans content. On the boulevard. I'm going to top Batman. Ew, I just had a bad audio. I had a bad audio.

No, not of you. I had a bad audio mentally thinking about how... Me topping Batman. About how... Because Batman talks like, I'm Batman. I had a bad audio mentally thinking about how- Me topping Batman. That's Spider-Man. About how, because Batman talks like, I'm Batman. I'm getting topped by Spider-Man. Well, like how he would sound in bed. Top me, Spider-Man.

Like imagine him like moaning. It's like scary. Spider-Man, top me. Can you try something quick? Try and do an impression of Batman. That's daddy right there. Spider-Man is daddy. Whose ass is that?

Spider-Man's like, it's mine. Who is it? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. In all seriousness. What were you saying?

Never mind. No, what did you want me to try? No, I don't give a fuck. Right there. That's the spot. Like that. Batman getting what did you want me to try? No, I don't give a fuck. Right there, that's the spot. Like that. Batman getting fucked by Spider-Man. Okay. I hope

they heard my spit. Okay. What's new with you though, girl? For real? Wait, can you quickly try? Yes. Try and do an impression of Batman as Fran Drescher. So Fran Drescher is doing an impression of Batman. Oh, what's his name?

Mr. Shuffield! Where have you been? I once was so stoned, like unbelievably high. And in my head I got so fixated on the idea that Fran Drescher could never do a Batman impression. I was alone in a room trying it. Okay. And it had me. I know exactly when this was because I'm glad Twitter hadn't given me the voice notes option yet.

Oh, boy. Because I was about to. I was like, people need to hear this. And then the next day, I was like, thank God they had restricted me. Something about the nanny. Well, Fran Drescher as the nanny. I was like, people need to hear this. And then the next day I was like, thank God they had restricted me. Something about the nanny, well, Fran Drescher as the nanny, a lot of people don't know this,

she was the flashy girl from Flushing. And she, when everyone else was wearing tan, she sort of would wear red. I can't, I don't know enough to say yes or no. Oh, fuck. I'm Batman, top me. Yeah, not top enough to say yes or no. Fuck. I'm Batman. Top me. Yeah, not top me, Batman. Batman is a bottom.

Spider-Man. Do you think Batman is canonically a bottom? No. No, very much top energy. You know who is a bottom? Say it with me. Iron Man. Iron Man.

You think? Yeah, he can't fight for himself. Yeah. Well, the Joker's got big bottom energy. Chaotic bottom. Chaotic bisexual bottom Joker why so serious

Batman when you top me imagine getting do you know how I got these scars imagine fucking someone who's from getting topped imagine fucking someone and they go, why so serious

in the middle? Why so serious? He goes, do you know how I got these scars? He pulls up his shirt. He had top surgery. Top me, Batman. It's so shrill

the way that it sounds. He said, why so serious? And then he topped me. He got the scars on his mouth from getting face, from getting face fucked, I'm sorry to say.

Big dick. Face fuck me, Batman. Big dick to split your mouth open. I've heard of crazier things. Have you? I can't imagine anything crazier than the dick was so big it split my mouth cheek to

cheek. It gave me joker scars. Why do we talk about sex so much on this podcast? Caleb and I are so powerfully attracted to each other. We talk about it constantly. It's like every other second on the podcast. Our guests are literally talking about something. Our guests will be like, oh, the feeling of when you show

up to your grandma's house and she baked cookies. And we're like, yeah, you ever fuck a... It's like, what are we doing? We got so sexual. You brought this one up, I'll say. I bring it up a lot of the time. Yeah. Do we need to just... Do you and I just need to fuck and get it over with? I've been saying that for years. Come here.

No, I mean, it is. It really comes up so often. People who listen to the pod are sexual little persons. Don't be mean to them. I'm not mean. I love you guys so much, but I'm saying really comes up so often. People who listen to the pod are sexual little perverts. Don't be mean to them. I'm not mean. I love you guys so much, but I'm saying you guys are deviants. And a lot of bottoms, probably. If you had to guess, do you think more of our listeners are bottoms or tops?

Bottoms. It's not a bad thing. Verse. They're all verse. I love you guys. You're all verse. Oh, yeah. I'm sure they are.

Everyone's verse until it comes time to do something. I love you guys. You're all verse. Everyone's verse until it's time to actually do something. And then guess what? I love you guys, and you're all verse. It's you guys. You're all verse. Oh, yeah. I'm sure they are. Everyone's verse until it comes time to do something. I love you guys. You're all verse. Everyone's verse until it's time to actually do something. And then guess what? I love you guys and you're all verse. It's a lot of bottoming going on. I love that you guys are all verse.

You're all verse. Switch. You guys are all Switch hitters. Top me, Batman. Wouldn't that be funny? There probably is fanfic where they top me. Yeah, I was going to say, a thousand percent, if you were to go on Pornhub right now and be like, Batman topped by Spider-Man, there's like no less than 14. Who are the two superheroes you want to see fuck the most

and then we got to bring in our guests I think. I don't know very much about superheroes I'll start there. I'm gonna say right now you've already said. So Hulk has to top Ant-Man but when he's little. But when he's little. Well that's how you get the lips split open thing. If Hulk topped Ant-Man when he's little, well, that's how you get the lips split open thing. If Hulk talked to Ant-Man when he's little, I'm sorry to say, he would be turned into the little ectoplasm thing. So that's, I think it would be anthropologically interesting to see. Could you imagine trying to fuck someone when they're on little mode? If you were trying to fuck Ant-Man and he went little mode, it would be like, oh, God, come here. Come here, you little tick-tack. That's how you'd have to do it but that would hurt him i think that would feel nice to do this to someone who's so small have you ever thought about suffocating

also you didn't give the lesbian answer by the way i don't obviously it should be cat woman and who a wonder woman i don't know about Wonder Woman. I don't know about superheroes. I don't know about superheroes. Oh my God, are you crying? Yes. I've been wanting to watch superhero movies my whole life. Oh my God. My whole life.

Always the bully I play. It's bittersweet, really. We're happy for him, ultimately. Congrats, Caleb. Good luck on Hollywood Boulevard. We're happy for him, ultimately. Congrats, Caleb. Good luck on Hollywood Boulevard. We're all rooting for you. Our last clip is as God intended. A song, a final pitch-perfect moment chosen by all of you out there as you all heard casey and i had never heard this letter from musician pink to the president of these united states but there was one

person who had wait free clap for the girlies joe biden you have been killing it bitch free clobber joe biden for the girlies when pink dear mr president were you a lonely were you a lonely boy that song actually let's pretend let's pretend with just two people in. You're not better than me. I'd like to ask you some questions. You can speak honestly. What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Are you proud? That song bangs, dude. She went off. I'm sorry, Pink. Pink on Dear Mr. President. People want what she has, dude. Pink said, Pink said, I saw what happened to the chicks.

I don't care. I don't care-a. I'll be taking George W. Bush to task. My fan base will be fine with it. What kind of father might hate his own daughter? She were gay. Yeah. And what kind of father might hate his own daughter? She were gay. Yeah. And what kind of father might take his own daughter's rights away?

God damn. Try to remember some of the lyrics. I wish I could think of more of it. I wish I could sing the whole song for you right now. I think I probably could. Do you guys know what we're talking about, listeners? Little freaks. Anya, do you know what we're talking about?

You guys don't know Do You Miss Your President? Oh, my God. I'm playing it. I'm playing it. I'm not even going to wait for them to play it. I'm so mad at Anya right now. What kind of father made his own daughter? This is a song, as the listeners might know, Freakies, that Pink wrote to George Bush.

No, when he was in presidency. Da da da da da. Dear Mr. President, are you a lonely boy? Are you a lonely boy? Are you a lonely boy? Are you a lonely boy? Yes, gospel. Ooh, come on now.

How can you say no child is left behind? We're not dumb and we're not blind. We're not sitting in your cells while you pave the road to hell. What kind of father would take his own daughter Right through me And what kind of father Might hate his own daughter If she were gay I can only imagine

What the first lady Has to say You've come a long way Go off, go the fuck off on this. From whiskey and cocaine. I sleep while the rest of us cry.

My lighter would be in the fucking air right now if we were alive. How do you dream when the mother has no chance to say goodbye? Yeah. I love you. Hey. I don't even want to be on the road. Hey, hey, oh, hi.

Take it down. Come on. Can you even love me in the eye? Let me tell you about hard work. Come on. Come on. Minimal. A little wage with a baby on the way.

Let me tell you how it works. This is the best. Let me tell you how it works. Let me tell you how it works. How it works. How it works. She roasted his ass on a platter. George W. Bush found dead. Hypothetically.

Stop laughing. Wait, I have a question. Yeah. Are you familiar with the song Dear Mr. President by Pink? Absolutely. That voice you heard belongs to the one and only EJ Marcus. He knew the song that Casey and I did not know. And in that moment, and with those words written by Alicia Beth Moore, a.k.a. Pink, the baton was passed, ushering in a new golden era of this show that we love to make and you love to listen to.

We'll see you guys right back here, August 26th, with the very first episode of the podcast, Keeping Records. In its new form. In its its new form not really the first episode but you know what we mean hey we'll see you guys right back here August 26th for the first episode of the

new version of Keeping Records first episode of the new version of the same show you love we'll see you Lil Freaks

August 26th with a brand new episode of the show. Brand new host. Brand new co-host. And an old host, too. And our old host. Our old host, Shelby.

Our new host, EJ. Same great show. Same great producers. Same great producers. That's us. Signing off. Signing off. Casey and Anya.

Please get this microphone away from me. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. That was a Hiddem Original.