Keeping Records - Boil the Frog (with Blaire Erskine)

Episode Date: September 24, 2021

September 20th, 2021 Dear Diary, Waz up!!!!!! Today Blaire Erskine (you know, comedian and writer on Jimmy Kimmel Live!) came on the podcast to tell us all about what she would blast off into outer space to send to the aliens. We had such a crazy fun time singing along to Leanne Rhymes, Sheryl Crow, Kelly Clarkson, and Pat Monahan (total dreamboat!!!). We watched Dragon Tales, Coyote Ugly and Nurse Jackie, and then Blaire read to us from her diary and guess what!!! She is totally crushing on Nick!!!!!11 Also Billy Baldwin is SUCH a creep!!! N-e way, gtg ttyl! Mom's coming upstairs and it's past lights out!!! Blaire's Artifacts When a Sheryl Crow song comes on at the grocery store and you feel like you’re in a movie (multisensory experience) My diary from 5th grade (document) "Can’t Fight the Moonlight" by LeAnn Rimes (audio)  Public Access Television (audio-visual) When my mom texts me back (multisensory experience) Follow Blaire on Twitter and Instagram -- Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Ooh.

Ooh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Caleb. Yeah, girl? Shelby? me well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well caleb yeah girl shelby what's up what's up with me yeah what's up with you you want to know you want to know what's up in caleb weird oh wow so oh i don't know you've been actually pretty normal oh cool um mostly um flicking me off every time you go to the bathroom that's been it's been well you know what i always say well well-behaved women rarely make history wait i'm not i so it was just the anniversary of um 9-11 rbg dying and 9-11 and caleb do you want to pick i actually don't know if I should talk about this

because my mom listens to the pod and I think it'll make her sad no you can't bring this up okay Jillian Jillian's too big of a stand of the podcast we can't lose stands well now she'll get even more mad that I didn't say anything so we have to back it up yeah go ahead last year do you remember what my mom gave me as a gift to celebrate um rbg yeah to celebrate rbg's life she sent you a purse that looked like a newspaper that had rbg on it yeah that said rbg is dead almost like the wicked witch was dead it almost seemed celebratory and she meant it as i know that you really liked this woman i wrote a joke the other day that this reminds me of and i don't think i'll ever use it on stage so i'm happy to use it on the podcast um and it went like this well i didn't write it all the way up, but this is the idea. People as a profound question sometimes will be like, what do you want people to say about

you after you die? And I think what I want people to say about me when I'm dead is thank God he's dead. The world is better off with one less big dicked billionaire. And it reminded me of your purse, Shelby. Okay. You didn't like it, but you laughed really hard when I told you the first time. I laughed, but it was just kind of yucky. The idea that I would have a billion dollars?

Yes. Billionaires should die. Do you think that? No. Okay. We'll get into it. We should let our guests we should let our guests in on that i don't think to tell you the truth i am good um and i hope you're good too and i

really want to introduce our guest well quickly do you think i should die i just you know yeah i mean i think no no no because honestly no no if all billionaires had to die rihanna would have to die and i'm not willing to walk that yeah i mean it gets pretty tricky i think we'd have to do an order of operations situation pemdos like rihanna would get to be lost i think um but no no probably not right die i don't think right right right or let's introduce our guest known billionaire might die might live we don't know yet jury's out you know her from her extremely smart funny and may i add viral internet videos online on the internet and you know her from currently writing for jimmy kimmel please put your paws fins and hands together for our dear friend blair skin wow thank you blair what's it like to have a

billion dollars yeah i don't i don't i don't have a billion dollars yet but i think billionaires should die i think everybody should die oh immediately i mean but maybe i feel like the earth is she's been like it's time for y'all to go and we're like you know we're here still so i think we've overstayed yeah yeah yeah very southern of you i do think when it comes to should they die in the way that all of us should die eventually and in in due time yes i don't think billionaires should be able to do the thing where they're like freezing their bodies and probably will come back to life do you know how they like i feel like they're doing that i do too and i'm saying i don't think they should be able to do that well it's too late because you hesitated on a few minutes ago you know what i mean yeah you didn't give a clear enough answer i'm fine with

admitting that yeah no i didn't do that right but i but i yeah like given given now like the context of like everyone should die etc etc they shouldn't get the chance to live forever i think billionaires should be stole here's what here's what i will say about um wealth inequality and i have the definitive take on it um in the world a lot of congratulations yeah yeah thank you billionaires need to be stolen from uh systematically by the government on behalf of all of us and millionaires not a problem millionaires are not a problem okay we gotta leave millionaires alone we got to because you wouldn't be able to have game shows and things like that right right and i could be a millionaire someday so we gotta back off of

the millionaire stuff but billionaires i don't think that's gonna happen for me so i feel comfortable saying let's rob them i agree with that a billionaires is such an unattainable it's different can i say that i literally you know the way that when we talk like think about space sometimes it's like oh your mind just like breaks at some point oh yeah scary but billion does that to me sometimes like when i'm like billion okay and then i'm like wait but it's a lot of millions and then when i start to think of all of it and i really zoom out about how much money that is my brain absolutely shatters into pieces think about a million dollars yeah i'm thinking about it think about thank you blair and then think about a hundred here's what here's do. Every time I think about billions, I go, oh, a hundred million is a billion.

And then I go, no, no, no, no, no. I'm like, that's a lot. It's ten hundred millions. Exactly, Blair. That's crazy. So people, you know, people get mad at millionaires, people who have like, I don't know, $22 million or something. They go, you're the problem.

And I go, well, hold on. That's my friend. Don't. Hold on now. No now no no no because that's not even a lot of money 22 million dollars when you talk about taxes and how much you have to pay for your jet and stuff sure sorry we didn't even properly welcome you to the podcast this is billionaire mindset with caleb and shelby thank you for having me on suzy orman where we can bleep this if you want but you live all right i do i do bleep it just so people wonder like what did he say but i do i do oh my god we gotta hang out girl no i would love to i haven't i haven't met anyone in real life except my co-workers but i would love to meet friends not that they aren't my friends it i'm gonna

this is all going in yeah i'm gonna go ahead and log off blair's co-workers she did hey blair's co-workers she'd been talking shit on you and we had to cut a lot of it out they're cool they're cool she talked a lot of shit on your names blair listen i want to know um how are you in life how's your family how are your finances are you getting close to a billion jesus um i feel i feel like i am getting close to a billion though because like i'm making money and i get money every week and then it just keeps coming every week because i have a job you know and i feel like so it's never to run out and the money will just keep

coming. And I have that mindset to where it's, you know, I just, I'm grateful. Billionaire mindset. Billionaire mindset. And,

um, yeah, I don't see any, any like issues in the future for me personally. I just started shopping and have you guys ever shopped at? No. And I've got, and it's tough to do.

It's hard because it's very expensive. But it's okay because my money's never going to run out. Exactly. What kind of stuff are they doing over there? What are they doing over there? They do jeans. They do tops and bandanas. Expensive jeans.

They do expensive jeans. But not like... Not like... They don't do it like not like true religion expensive jeans oh no do you remember when they were like the jean i haven't seen anyone in a pair of true religions in ages there's a there's a lyric in uh the pat monahan song her eyes that i really love yeah when she gets paid true religion gets it all if they fit right. She's a little bit manic, completely organic. Doesn't panic for the most part.

She's old enough to know. Hey, I got enough to say no. To any chance that she gets. You know this player? Obviously not. I don't know it. To any chance that she gets. I'm looking it up.

It's called Her Eyes by Pat Monahan. Are you talking about Train? No. The lead singer from Train. The lead singer went solo for one song. Went solo for a bit, and he did Her Eyes. Let me tell you that I did not know that. I loved the band Train, or I did when I was a child,

and that My Private Nation, the CD My Private Nation. I know front and back. Did you guys listen to My Private Nation? What songs are on that one? Is that Drops of jupiter yes and also um calling all angels and yeah went solo yeah solo for one album i believe it was in the late 90s early 2000s there's one other song that he had that got big but i can't speak on it yet is that true yeah i'll tell you i'll tell you you guys don't even have to worry i will 2000 wow 2007 he did her eyes so he was solo in 2007 oh marry me

do you guys remember oh i used to work at a jewelry store. That was just him? Yeah, that was just him. I thought that was all train. No, just Pat. Pat Monaghan. I said Moynahan. Bye. Bye. Wait, Blair.

When you worked at the jewelry store, what kind of characters did you get in there? Do you remember anything crazy? Well, yeah, because we had Pandora. We had a pandora section that i was in charge of because they didn't trust me with like anything else because i wasn't good and um it's okay it wasn't your calling yeah don't stress about that girl it truly wasn't so i sold the shit out of pandora though and i get a lot of husbands coming in for like their 60th wedding anniversaries you know or like their wife is pregnant they need

a push present or like she's dying and they would get like a charm a push present is a weird you know about it she'll be like husbands they get their wives push presents when when she's pushing out the baby like a dog straight people are not well that's fucking crazy it's fucked and they would get a charm they would come and get like a dog like a little dog or like uh you know it's a girl charm yeah so it's a girl it's a girl it was um stupid it was so sad i was like i'm never getting married and then i did and now i'm like i should have listened to myself no i, marriage is fine though. What did you ask me? Oh, jewelry stores. Who did you meet coming in?

Men, lots of men. But that wasn't even, before I worked at the jewelry store, I used to be a hand model on a jewelry shopping network. Oh my God, a model? A hand model, just hands. Oh my God. Oh my God. Mine eyes are blessed.

And they were desperate. I found it on Craigslist, the job. They just really needed somebody who had hands. But people would call in and say, like, could I get a necklace modeled? And they were like, she doesn't do necks. Just hands. Blair, I know that when we're at the cookouts,

you want to be roughhousing with all the cousins, but you are not meant for this town, darling. You are meant to go off to hollywood and model your hands something i could never do because i bite you bite your nails yes i bite my nails okay and that goes down to the whole hand yeah yeah people always people always ask me about it yeah it's just a progression of biting the nails you just go right down to the hand. Bite the palm. That's my cousin Blair. She lives out in... and models hands.

But it wasn't even... It was in Duluth, Georgia. See, but I'm creating a world where that's the reason you moved to... Oh, okay. We're yes anding. You're still doing that. This is an improv podcast.

You're still doing it. If this is an improv podcast, I will kill myself on this Zoom zoom right now don't make me do it oh fuck blair actually killed herself oh my god it looks bad mike we we the police need to come we we we we mrs officer oh my god mrs. officer somebody call little wayne blair killed herself on

zoom.org did you guys did you guys watch dragon tales wait is that the one um

no i think i did do you remember the theme song no there's a really specific one there is i don't remember it I think I did. Do you remember the theme song? No. There's a really specific one. There is.

I don't remember it. It was like the kids had the little chest. With the dragon scale inside of it. And they hold it. And it takes them to a dragon land. Yeah, it takes them to dragon world. It's something like dragon tales. What's the... Every now and then I get a little...

A little bandai. Wait, hear this. Dragon Tales. What's the... Okay. Every now and then I get a little... Little Ben died. Wait, hear this. The facts of the dragon friends. Now the adventure's never... Come on! It's almost time for Dragon Tales. Almost time for Dragon Tales. Almost.

Not quite. We've got to tell you the backstory of this situation. Wow, the ruts. It was so good. It was so good. Rock Wyatt. I've got to tell you the back story of this situation. Wow, the rust. It was so good. It was so good. I don't know the show, but I got to tell you. You got to watch the show.

The song is a banger. The song is a banger. I forgot why I brought it up. Oh, I couldn't figure out if that blue dragon's name was Org or Ord. The D. I hope it was Ord. Ord. O-R-D hope it was ord or ord at the airport hey player i have a i have a theory about the world um shelby's heard this before my theory is that everybody in the world wants to be a comedian except for comedians who want to be musicians i agree with that does this apply to you yes i always have wanted to be a musician always my

whole life and I can't I'm not I can't sing my dad bought me like a guitar and like one of those casio keyboards and I never I just I mean I'm not good at things so but a musician friends have told me they want to be funny and they're just not funny yes yeah musicians want to hang out with comedians and be comedians it's true true. It's so horny for us. I know. It's disgusting. It's sick. It's disgusting.

It's perverted. I hate it. Shelby, don't you find it perverted? It's really perverted, yeah. John Legend texts me every day trying to hook up. Does he? No, he does not. Shelby!

You know who's always in my DMs? Billy Baldwin. Billy Baldwin? Yeah, is he not in yours asking you to retweet things blair constantly can you amplify do you want me to show you you are lying i'll pull him up this is one of the funniest things i've ever heard listen nobody nobody ever does tea on the podcast player you're doing full tea on billy i mean he's i think he's a nice person i've never met him you know but he's always in my dms asking me to amplify what he finds i hate that that is no there's so many dms we're showing us they don't stop no no it's all one-sided no you don't even message billy back i used to and then i was like

i don't have to do this oh my god i'm dead he's like please amplify dot dot dot he's he's totally simping no i just thought he was doing that to like every viral person and i was like so i don't have to answer him but now i feel like he like no it's a you thing I'm being an asshole I'm actually messaging back on the pod and be like I'm so sorry I missed all of these I'm just now sorry I'm gonna amplify all these right now the day that this the day that this episode comes out you repost every single one on the same day. This is an interactive pod. I like it. I'll do it. It's extremely interactive.

Imagine if it wasn't. Imagine if your job was like your job on the pod was just to kind of sit there. We were like, we need an audience member to feel like we have someone to feed off of. Mike doesn't laugh big enough. So we pick someone with a lot of talent instead of just like someone random. Mike doesn't laugh big enough. Mike fully isn't looking or laughing at us. Yeah, you can't trust

his energy, Blair. He works for the New York Police Department. Yeah, he's a cop. He looks like he might. He's that silhouette of a Dotson in the back. What's up with that, mate? Yeah, well, you can't talk. That's his canine.

That's his canine. Michael uses't talk! That's his canine. Michael uses to talk, by the way. The listeners need to know. We don't ban Mike from talking. He doesn't want to talk to us. And I've heard he's nice. He takes it out. He is nice.

Yeah. He's super nice. As nice as a cop could be. That's true. His life matters. Mike's. Yeah. Yeah, really.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do that. that let's get into that let's get into it tough horrible hey blair we actually it's not all fun and games on this podcast okay okay i'm ready to get something really serious we want to ask you a really important question we want to know if we were building new golden records to send them into space what would you put on them what would you put okay is that what okay because it's called keeping records okay what would you put on your record okay on your record okay so i'll start let me pull up the list that i sent you guys what would you put on your records oh fuck what would we put on blair's records

oh fuck you're gonna put them through record. Oh, fuck. You're going to put them in space? Yeah. Oh, my God. I hate yeah. I hate inquisitive yeah. Yeah? Yeah. It's a call and response.

You have to say yes. Oh, fuck. You're going to have me build an oediculture that i love and send it into space oh i can't breathe okay all right my neck is so hot is my chest breaking out sometimes when i laugh or feel joy i'm

like i break out your chest is a little wet you're allergic to joy i'm allergic to when I laugh or feel joy, I'm like, I break out. You're allergic to joy. I'm allergic to the feeling of joy. It's okay. My therapist says I'm not a candidate for meditation. So I think I'm not, I'm allergic to peace. You're not even a candidate. Okay. So, okay. I'm allergic to inequality. Just so you know. That's wow. Caleb. Well, I was going to, I'm allergic to am just so you guys know I'm also that's wow Caleb I'm allergic to amoxicillin

and virus so so don't even try let's have that conversation okay so on my golden record what should I start with

okay so my I'll start with when a Sheryl Crow song comes on at the grocery store and it makes you feel like you are in a movie yes a piece

of cinema do you know that feeling of especially being in like a kroger i guess it's ralph's out here and it's late at night and you're like in a frozen food aisle and you could be married and i am but when a cheryl crow song comes on the fucking intercom i'm a single lady and I'm about to have a meet cute. You know what I mean? Yes. When you hear those iconic lines at the beginning of All I Want to Do. This ain't no disco. It ain't no country club either.

And what is it, Cheryl? This is a**hole. I love that. Especially now. And now it's like, like i get it because before i was like when she talked but now that i'm here you get to and you're like wait a minute this is not a disco this is not a country club and this ain't no country keep wanting to say honky talk well it's not a honky tonk either all I want to do is have a little fun before I die. Do you think, so you're saying it's right before a meet cute for you. I think oftentimes I also think it's like right after I've maybe had some sort of conflict with my significant other.

And they're going to like come do a gesture. Yeah, they're going to win you back. That's like my favorite mistake. Why'd you laugh, Caleb? You disagree. My favorite mistake starts to play hot i've heard this before i think can you guys get sued for this no parody impossible actually parody you wish

satire we're criticizing it. This song is good. See, can't get sued. This makes me want to see somebody across the bar and then take them home. Yes. Exactly. This is like you're having your one night of fun. Yes, or you're a doctor of Grey's Anatomy.

You're cheating to this song. You're fucking someone else to this song. You're cheating to this song You're fucking someone else to this song You're cheating to this song I agree, I agree This makes me think of a woman who is not doing well Having one good night Well, here I am Oh, yeah, yeah

And it's so true Also, sometimes you do have a favorite mistake Yeah, I know that It's a real life experience She's so true Also sometimes you do have a favorite mistake Yeah I know that It's a real life experience She's so relatable Sheryl Crow It's so I mean just to sort of analyze the song Let's do it It's really good

I would agree with that And now we can't get sued What's the title of the movie That you want the aliens to feel like they're in Yeah Oh god Invented Invented movie title

Invented movie title right now um um we told you this was an improv podcast okay i know so is the movie like a an on tv movie or like a movie people pay to see only you can tell us that yeah this is the movie that you feel like you're in in the in the grocery store listening to cheryl my favorite mistake it would be supermarket soulmate and that's it that's a lifetime christmas movie that's yeah and thank you you're welcome i'll write it i'll write it supermarket so i finished writing it just now okay that is about how those work i was gonna say i think that is like the lifetime movie formula is you're just kind of like all right the idea and it is done i sent it in the chat if you guys could get notes back to me someone at a party recently um told me that they as advice

which i didn't ask for or like you should get into you should get into writing like lifetime uh holiday movies there's a lot of money in it people make good careers off of that okay like billionaires no certainly not but like uh just that they were like they're like that's a lot of money in it people make good careers off of that okay like billionaires and no certainly not but like uh just that they were like they're like that's a good like that's one of the good like hustles in la people are always kind of buying those scripts where do we do it how do we do it right i mean i'll do it fine whatever i'll do anything blair and i'll write that yeah i'll give you the right amount of money i'll write i'll write an entire season's worth of christmas movies which if you've ever watched the lifetime channel is at least 30 yeah because i do the 30 days of christmas sorry sorry sorry i don't want to be a bitch

shelby you said offer you any amount of money and you would do that you would write 30 movies for like 15 you're a fool she's on fiverr.com yeah ever heard of it five or two hours baby i would never allow it if you told me if you told me i just signed a contract writing 30 movies for 15 i would say call them back i want to talk to them this can't but i already signed the contract i would get you out of it i'm i was gonna go to law school i know but you didn't ultimately were you gonna go to law school i was going to blair what made you not why didn didn't you? Depression. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Annoying. Depression and homosexuality.

It's just crazy. Yeah. Lawyers can't be gay, which I think is so barbaric. It's messed up. That's still a true law fact. I know. It's so archaic. If you know a gay lawyer, they're either not certified by the bar or they're lying about being gay.

I know a few. Who do I tell? Me. I'm going to go get them now that gay marriage is legal i will not join the supreme court until all gay people can be lawyers we gotta overturn that or burka needs to go what'd you say blair i was telling shelby she was brave and that she's an ally cool cool cool yeah yeah just wanted her to know cool cool cool i think a supermarket music in in general hits me in a way that like i am so i do not know why i'm so vulnerable in the grocery store but when i'm at the grocery store and i hear like an emotional song

i am so in a place to be hurt like i am so ready to be hurt does that make sense no i feel that too absolutely like supermarkets are they're different worlds and anybody could be your supermarket soulmate that's what I was gonna say is it because you're like truly just browsing like you have all the time in the world while you're there to just like around strangers that you're like anything could kind of happen here yeah and the fact that you all like it's kind of like that plane on lost you know like you all go down together but in a supermarket you're all there together like circumstances in your life everyone's lives brought them there together in that supermarket at the same time you know and that's something really special

now this is the movie now this is the movie there's a playlist i found recently on spotify called like white people grocery store music and i was like to me i was like i really don't want to enjoy this but i really fucked with it it was really powerful was it true did they was it accurate yeah it was it was just really like it was like adult contemporary like rob thomas type like oh fucking rob thomas it was yummy it was scrumptious early honestly not early career kelly clarkson late career kelly clarkson you know late career kelly clarkson speak on her songs got even sadder and you were just kind of like oh whoa what's the one that she's it's about her husband who i think oh god do you know what i'm talking about oh god

when she did oh god when she did when she did that song on American Idol. Yes. The live performance. You know what I'm talking about. What song? Because Because of You was about her dad. He says I am. Yeah. Piece by piece.

Piece by piece. Piece by piece. And all I remember is your back. This is one of the most haunting songs. Fuck. Fuck. And that live performance on American Idol, dude. Ooh!

I'm gonna cry. What the fuck? I traveled 1,500 miles to see you. Tell him, Kelly. What'd he do? I begged you to want me, but you didn't want to. Fuck. I fucking hate when that happens. What'd he do? Fuck, I fucking hate when that happens. Abandoned me.

Look around where you abandoned me. And piece by piece he filled the holes That you burned in me At six years old He never looked away He never asked for money He takes care of me He loves me Piece by piece Lord, my faith

That a man can be good And a father could stay. It gets a little tough for me when she says he fills her holes. I'm like, girlie. Six years old. So that song's about her dad leaving her. But then her husband, Brandon, let's name him. Brandon. Let's say his name let's name him. Brandon.

Let's say his name. Say his name. Brandon. Comes and fills up her holes. And then tries to, what, $200,000 in alimony? Is that what Brandon wanted?

Oh my God. Men are trash. Brandon, after that song, how could you hurt her? She said he never asks for money. It's in the lyrics babe can i have to change that i wonder if she'll ever sing that again he never asked for money except

for when i pay alimony that's it he's going on the list he's going on the list with adrian adrian pasdar adrian pasdar and brandon clarkson. Oh my God. Fight me, you fucking cowards. What list is this? Adrian Pazdar is Natalie Mainz, lead singer of The Chicks, ex-husband, and he needs to have his ass beat by me specifically. What the fuck did he do?

He's hot. Cheated. He cheated on her after 20 years of marriage. What? And children. And introduced her to the girl he was cheating on.

He took the mistress to her concert and introduced them her to the girl he was cheating on but without telling the mistress to her concert and introduced them what did he say like this is my co-worker or something he said this is my friend she's a big fan or something like that and then he fucked the mistress on the on natalie's boat while natalie was there while natalie cooked them dinner no she said this is my friend she's wow yeah dude he needs his ass okay we'll kill him yeah adrian pastar needs to be absolutely assassinated what a fucking loser and freak hey i'm gonna ask something and i think it is a stupid question is that okay permission yeah no worries what makes something go from a murder to an assassination?

Political, political power. Is that true? Yeah. 100%. Okay. I didn't, Blair,

Blair, Blair's acting like it's not Blair. Do you have another definition? No, I don't. I was, I was, no,

I don't, I don't. When you kill somebody, it's murder. When you kill somebody with political aims and or for political gain that's an assassination wait it just says that the definition of assassination is the act of assassinating someone so now okay okay assassination is the act of murdering a prominent or important person such as heads of state heads of of government, politicians, royalty, celebrities, or CEOs.

So would you guys, so you guys, if we got murdered, would it be an assassination? Three assassinations. All, yes, three assassinations. Three assassinations. I'd say Mike would be an assassination, too. Well, if Mike got killed, it would be an officer down. Wee-oo, wee-oo.

Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee. Mrs. Officer. we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we welcome bark Blair do you want to give us a wolf no every fucking week we have to humble ourselves in front of our guests and ask them if they want to bark like a dog because our listeners the keeping records little freaks

write in and demand it you don't have to it's just okay okay okay horrible uh blair what else wait i think she's gearing up oh okay i in fact had geared down show me show me goes show me goes no, no. Blair's about to do it, I think. Threatening. Threatening. What about me? Me, me, me. Blair is about to do it.

It's because you cleared your throat. You cleared your throat and you said, okay. That was a real mafia moment. Shelby kind of gave like a gangster like, I think Blair was just about to cooperate. I think Blair was about to give us what we need. I think our guest was just about to see things our way. I think Blair had just come to terms

with what she's going to do on our podcast. It would be a real shame if Blair's kneecaps got hurt in the near future it's crazy she would come into our podcast and say no to us right she wouldn't dare to puss and boob seriously really genuinely what's next on your records god fuck let me see a god fuck god not god fuck so next on my record will be uh oh it's four four four right now whoa my angels are sitting as a sign you have to bark no blair do not give in this woman is a terrorist i did it i'm sorry oh okay so next on the list is my diary from fifth grade which i have brought with me today it is gorgeous first of all it's

my aunt sharon gave it to me it says die i mean it's like if people diary shouldn't say diary because then people are gonna open it and read it. Yeah, diary should say important documents. Not important documents. It should say like food journal or something. Food journal. Grocery store list. Grocery store list.

I was never good. I'm still not good at keeping journals. I tried a journal and I can't. So I have like, I've got like three entries in here and then the rest of it is just like blank you know well there's some stuff in there but what did you give us some of the highlights where what do you got going on in there i'll start with the beginning okay okay okay this is from March 19th 2002

And I said dear diary I've got a lot to fill you in on But I have to do it quick because I'm supposed to be sleeping And if someone catches me I'm toast If someone catches me I'm gonna get hit A lot I'm absolutely Toast abusive or anything like nice if someone catches me i'm gonna get hit a lot i'm absolutely toast first first of all sorry first of all terrorist hijacked four plates on they did it's so true no no fucking way no fucking way why would you be reporting on

i'm keeping records as if your future as as if your future self would forget this day and you would have to turn back in your diary. Staying awake in March to report on the September 11th terrorist attack. I told the diary and I said two of them crashed into the Twin Towers. One of them crashed into the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania. But I wrote middle of nowhere like I get artistic with it. You see that? No, you did like art about it. Yeah. I did some art about it.

I'm dead. Honestly. So funny. Did you mention that one hit the Pentagon or? Yes. And so after that, so one crashed into the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania and one crashed into the Pentagon. In fact,

Caleb, I did write that. And after that I said, we are in war with Afghanistan and Osama bin Laden now and Pakistan. And then I say, second, I got the chicken pox on a dance trip in Jekyll Island. Now my mom has them. She is in her early 40s. I'm sort of worried about her.

And I drew a picture of my mom. Your mom would not be flattered by this picture i don't think it has almost no detail like no okay wait cute though really happy happy and then i said gotta go love blair so i can not believe it i mean thank god i wrote it down well yeah because we wouldn't we would have forgotten about it yeah you never forgot you understood journalistic we understood the assignment i understood the assignment i never forgot and i was i'm not gonna let the aliens for they're gonna know about it too show me what do you have going on the bottom of your screen i was looking at i was looking for i used to take up 9-11 i found i didn't know what it was what is

no i used to babysit this kid he's um i babysat him for a really long time and he showed me his diary once and i was finding the pictures i took of certain pages because one is just about my life my sisters annoy me the worst thing about my sisters is they're mean. My favorite thing about my sisters is sometimes they play with me. When I am married, I think they are not going to be at my wedding. God damn.

Iconic. Honestly, iconic. One of the funniest, he showed it to me and I said, well, this is, they're coming to your wedding, babe. Blair, do you want the aliens to to specifically understand 9-11 from your diary or is there something else they can get from this

well there's not a lot else they can get because they only have like one and a half more entries the next one is about how i have a crush on nick um but he goes out with stephanie and one time i put stephanie out of the window at dance class. I didn't mean to, though, and I explained that in my diary. What floor were you on? The first. So the floor was slippery. And she

pushed me, and I gently pushed her back. It says it in the diary, and she fell out of the window. She's fine. Yeah, it says it in the diary. It's being written by the victor. I wrote this, and then I wrote Nick is by the victor so i wrote this and then i wrote nick is so cool and then i wrote this is a picture of stephanie and i crossed her out yeah i will say nick isn't that hot based on the drawing yeah nick is very nick is hot he is wearing a hat which is something guys do that is hot we yeah i don't think i'd ever seen

him in a hat we weren't allowed to wear hats in school. And that's it. That's where it ends. I have to stand. Your crush dated another girl, and you attempted to assassinate her. It would have just been a murder. You don't know what Stephanie was involved in. I've never heard of her before.

That doesn't mean that you haven't heard of a lot of people that could be assassinated so that's so true her family owned the iga in town so it might have been an assassination the what the iga it's a grocery store in like small towns it's a piggly wiggly now oh we don't have to talk about it okay i know who's mariah carey's uh feud with oh jlo so in mariah carey's world if jlo was be murdered, it would just be a murder, not an assassination. Because she does not know her. She doesn't know her. I don't know her. I don't know her. I'm sorry. I can't assassinate somebody I do not know. I can only murder.

I can only murder. And I did murder her. She confesses. She gets so mad that they're calling it an assassination that she confesses to the murder. Stop calling it an assassination that she confesses to the murder stop calling it that it's not an assassination i killed her murder murdered i want someone to want me bad enough that they would push my that's not why i pushed her out of the window blair come on you can be honest here babe get real Get real, Blair. I did it in the book. That's how I did it. It was the floor was slick. Blair, I mean, the fact that the only evidence you have is that you went home and like wrote

out a manifesto about how you can't be guilty. It's not looking good. Yeah, it's not giving what you think it's giving. It's giving something. It's not giving us innocence. It's giving us. It's giving delusion. It's giving us it's giving delusion yeah it's giving hardened killer blair's giving hardened killer i want your i want your diary in space for what

it's worth i want a collection of diaries there are some people who were like really good i was more like you blair where i i would like get a diary use it for like three nights and I'd be like that's enough with you and then remember it and be like boy oh boy got a lot to say about the last seven months and then I also like there's something so funny about addressing the diary that everyone did that's just like dear diary wow you're never gonna believe this it's like who what the diary was like who are you did you guys ever watch mortified nation that netflix doc i i think some of our listeners will have because if you like this podcast honestly you'd like mortified mortified was this documentary about um it was a i can't remember where it started, but it was a live show all about people reading stuff from their past, like reading diaries or reading letters that they sent to boyfriends or girlfriends or whatever.

It was called Mortified, and it was a show about shame. And they did a documentary series because it turned into this whole big thing where like one city in America, probably like Boston or New York or LA or something had the original one. And then a bunch of other cities started doing them all over the world. And they did a documentary about what the shows were like and how like these people would sell out theaters, having just normal people come on and read their diaries. And it fascinating and it really like blair yours would be a perfect entry for that show like it was when you're reading it i was like this is so mortified like because 9-11 is like embarrassing it's so embarrassing that you journaled that and then

also that you the next thing you found important the next two things you found important were my mom is in her 40s and i'm worried about her and and the girl that my crush is dating needs to die those are the things you sort of wrapped up about the world you're right you're right i should you is that show still on it's mortified might still be on netflix i don't know but it's it's really good i want to be three of us are signing on to produce the new mortified if i was going to be on mortified i would read uh probably my high school graduation speech which is one of the cringiest things really valedictorian or something um i know my school did it a kind of cool way which is oddly progressive for where i'm from where um they chose two of the graduation speakers

by anyone could do it. You just submitted a speech. It wasn't based on grades or anything. It was based on the speech that you submitted. Wow. We had valedictorian class president and then someone like that. There was a third person that was just kind of like, do try,

try, write something, let us know. Here's, here's, I will, I will give you guys a little snippet of the speech i gave at my high school graduation would it surprise you to know would it surprise you to know that disney was

fired from a newspaper for lacking creativity and good ideas would it surprise you to know that for a period of time he ate dog food to get by would Would it surprise you to know that his idea for Mickey Mouse was shot down because a talking mouse wasn't believed to be funny or appealing to audiences? Although Walt Disney is a fascinating American, this speech is not about his life nor his trials and tribulations. This speech is about the Chillicothe High School graduating class of 2000. And it goes on. I mean, it's horrible.

It's completely unacceptable. Caleb, is it okay if I ask you after this podcast to go into your room without your computer or your phone for a little bit and just think about that? Yeah, yeah, babe. Oh, I also, wait, I searched my Twitter handle to try and find the speech, which I did tweet at one point. And I tweeted May 12th of 2013.

My graduation speech isn't memorized yet. It's a 10 minute speech and graduation is next week. Hashtag holla. It's a 10 minute speech? I mean, I tweeted this at 7.48 AM the week before the speech. I think if I had to read something and I don't know if I have it anymore i don't think

that i do um but it would be so when i was applying to colleges i had to write the essay and then i had to write a supplemental submission thing that was to explain why my grades were so much lower than my test scores it was basically me being like um my parents got divorced which isn't true my parents got divorced did they what's up so funny for me to not know that a huge thing about you um i i was like my parents got divorced and like i was just like always forgetting homework like it's just like but i also said it as like it actually makes me like even smarter and stronger like it's such a stupid thing that i had to say my college we had like a college admissions office for my high school and they were like yeah it's just gonna look confusing

on an application so you gotta write a little something extra. And it was like, I know what you're thinking. I'm a dumb bitch. This girl did not try in school. It's not that. I just didn't have, I just didn't have the ability to focus in my home life. Don't let you into college. Yeah, it really worked.

I went to college. And then she studied, and then she studied like stacking rocks and painting yeah she begged and then i was like i was like i'm so smart guys you just have to give me a chance and then i was like um where to the clay please you want to do play-doh time if okay um we simply yes we simply have to know what else you put on your records. Okay, so the next item, my next record thing. It's the song Can't Fight the Moonlight by Leigh-Anne Rimes. Yes. Oh.

Okay. Tell them. Yes Okay No one's gonna be around If you think that you will fall Well, wait and see Until the sun goes down Yes Yes Right Yes. Yes. Right.

Okay, we gotta get the chorus. Let's go. Here it comes. Yeah. What? What? What? What? Oh my God. What? What? What? the tiktok kids need to find this dude where i was just thinking in my head you know the tiktok kids don't have taste because this has not been made to go viral that that it's screaming choreograph me they have no taste if this was it is this needs to go obviously it has to be brought up and i don't know any other way to do it this is so brave i know where you're going the movie coyote ugly yeah the best to ever be made it um you know i thought you were going to

be brave about how it dykified you well i did sorry yes sorry oh my god sorry fuck yeah okay yeah yeah yeah that was rewinding um it's the movie coyote ugly yes uh i was watching twice weekly for the first so gay so fucking gay dude the first 12 years of my life. The first 12 years of your life? Zero to 12. And my parents had the audacity

to keep it secret from me that I was queer. My parents let me watch Blue Crush and Coyote Ugly on loop. Well, you never had a chance. I know. How was i supposed to you were never gonna be normal babe i you were always gonna be lgbtq i watched coyote ugly

merely one week ago today wow has terrible reviews on rotten tomatoes stupid are you kidding me misogyny that's misogyny and i watched it thinking okay maybe it'll be bad maybe i'm remembering it wrong still as good as ever it's it has a piece of cinema it has a 23 percent on rotten tomatoes wow there is a crazy crazy crazy line in that movie where john goodman famously from missouri famously went to my college says to he's he's he's yelling about why she shouldn't his daughter shouldn't move to new york and he he says something about they say the handrails and the subway system could one day lead to an outbreak of plague dad it's crazy we we discovered this together didn't we shelby yes because then that's when we found the um from nurse jackie there's a scene where there's the little girl who has anxiety nurse jackie's

daughter yeah and she's like could a flu epidemic wipe out 40 million people like it did in 1918 honey these are not important no edie falco has some things to answer for no edie falco your comeuppance is on its way girlfriend edie falco you're on the list and john goodman your oscar turn is on the way sir god i love john goodman i fucking adore him i want i'm gonna cry i love him so much i it's my dream for him to play like my dad in something one day that's my dream for him to play like my dad in something one day. That's my dream for him. My dream for him. And this is not for me. This would be nothing for me.

It would be a gift for him. To play my dad in something. I think he's a very talented man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he deserves to play my dad in something. He should get that. He's worked hard. So Coyote Ugly has the best soundtrack of all time. So true.

We all agree. We all, we owe Leanne Rimes a lot of money for that. And Leanne Rimes did all of it. Almost all the real bangers. Can't fight the moonlight. Please remember right. Kind of wrong,

but I do love you. Are you kidding? I do. Wait, something that happens in Coyote Ugly. That is so funny is, um, I think it is.'t Fight the Moonlight.

Okay. Yes. So you know when she's on the roof. Sure. She's writing the song. Sure. And she starts it sort of acoustic. She's like, you know, whatever.

Yeah, she's like mumbling. And to her watching a black guy in the window across the way break dancing to presumably either his own beat or someone else's beat and she hears it looks at him then gets on her piano and steals it that's how that was commentary that was commentary and then for the rest of like her playing on the roof it like keeps panning between the two of them like him dancing to the song he was playing and like it's obviously the same chord progression as her song because she ripped it from him immediately people profit off the stolen culture of black people this is this is commentary era yeah it makes the movie the last dance and and the man never appears in the movie again yeah i know that's it it we need to find that man what's going on with white people oh i don't know what are white people white people are doing a bad

job in these movies and it seems like in real life even sure well yeah the art is the reflection of the reality which is to say which is to say which is course. Which is to say, open-ended. Which, of course, is to say. I will be in need every sentence. Which is to say. Which, of course, you understand, is to say. Is to say. And naturally, that is to say,

of course. Exactly. When you said, which is to say, I was like, damn, Shelby is, like, smart. And then you didn't say anything. Which is to say i was like damn shelby is like smart and then you didn't say anything which is to say what well yeah which is to say blair we need to um well first of all fill in the blank it's a mad libs type deal with me we have a little bit of stuff to to get to here we have some business to attend to but i want to ask you a really pressing question which is um what is something so embarrassing in all of humanity that you think you should be deleted from the records entirely and before you give your answer we should

tell you it does not have to be the really big stuff yeah it doesn't have to be like hunger oh um have people said that it just doesn't have to be anything big. It doesn't have to be fascism, sexism, any of that stuff. Probably, I would say like when, I was going to say like the Four Seasons Total Landscaping thing, but I want that to be around. Like, I like that a lot. Keep that, yeah. I think maybe when IHOP changed their thing to IHOB.

IHOB. God damn it. God damn it. Can I actually, let's talk about that. When did they announce that they stopped doing that i'm heated once people got mad they were like it's just for it's just like for a week like i i really truly believe in my heart they were gonna do it forever yeah i think so too they were gonna do it it was of breakfast right i kept wanting to say that it was international house of burgers it was burgers it was burgers no yes no yes it was no and then and then to add insult to injury these companies think we're

fucking stupid wing stop tried to do thigh stop wait no these people think they can treat us however they want they tried to do thigh stop Stop? Thigh Stop is a strip club. Thank you. A strip club that serves chicken wings called Thigh Stop. I have to say, unfortunately, I would be in attendance. Let's go ahead and let's go. Sharks, we have an idea. Hello, Sharks.

Sharks, we have an idea. We're offering 0% and asking you real nice. We need some money. Unfortunately, the problem for the business is that we're only showing thigh. No, that would work for a lot of people. Milo Ventimiglia. How do you say a lot of people milo ventimigli how do you say that man's milo ventima which is to say which of course is to say you always bring up milo and i've never heard of I have never brought him up in my life. He's in the last episode of this podcast. You are out of your fucking mind. This is the last

episode of this podcast? No, no. It's in the... Oh God, if we're lucky. We keep trying to get this podcast to spell on us. HeadGum is fucking obsessed with us. It's honestly sick. We're like, please cancel it. They won't. They keep forking money over to us. So much so that we'll be billionaires tomorrow that's tough no i'll have to assassinate

you that didn't that didn't to know quickly what are the remaining things on your records so the remaining two just real fast are um you know what i keep forgetting oh oh public access television i love public access tv um specifically my friend's uncle has a show called the o'roy show you can look it up on youtube and it's ridiculous and then um when my when my mom texts me back now when you say your mom texts you back are you surprised that she's gotten back to you or what's that about well it's like so she'll we'll be texting and then she won't answer me for like a while you know and i'll be like what like something bad has happened and i'll and i'll text her hello mom are you okay and then eventually she'll be like i was peeing you know or i was walking the dog and i'll text her hello mom are you okay and then eventually she'll be like i

was peeing you know or i was walking the dog and then i'm like my mom's alive and that's my anxiety that's just my thing i need to work out in therapy no but it is good when your mom texts you but my mom will do a similar thing yeah or she'll go nowhere for a while where do they what are you doing i'm the only child so i don't know what she does yeah my mom loves my mom also uses um exclusively uses uh talk to text so she won't text me back for three hours and then i'll get a message that makes no fucking sense she's having a stroke it'll be like hey honey wanted to call about pull over please i'm trying to do something here and your grandma thinks that that's a bad idea but in the are you kidding like it's like she also tried she like tries to dictate punctuation like she'll be like just wanted to say i love you period will you be home this weekend

question mark and it just types the words out i'm like bitch we have to find a solution i i mean we have the technology should i say it should work for it to say period and question mark i think it does some sometimes but i think it depends on like how long you wait you know and how you say it yeah yeah it's crazy it's really crazy moms are dumb you know I like thinking of your mom specifically saying like I'll be there period

period like she's trying to say period just use punctuation but instead it's kind of like giving us a lot of attitude period I'm gonna be there what if my mom said on fleek i would kill myself if my mom tried to start talking in slang i genuinely it would be lights out for me she started saying like that's boston suicide see

no my mom asked me i forgot what she asked me the other day. It was some slang. It was some slang. And I had to tell her what it meant. And I forget now what, see, this is boring. I don't know what the question was

or what my answer was. So let's keep, you know what? You know what? Let's keep it rolling. Let's keep it rolling. And of course, and of course,

Blair, it goes to say, which is to say, it goes to my point. My point. Blair, Blair, it goes to say. Which is to say. It goes to my point. Blair, look, I don't want to say this to you because I don't want to put you in an ego or like big head kind of space. Oh, God. But you've been a stunning guest on the pod. That's true.

Agreed on that. Wow. Is there somewhere that people can find you? on the pod that's true agreed on that and i wow i mean is there what you want to plug is there somewhere that people can find you absolutely i just moved into 10 so uh yeah i'm on twitter which i haven't been tweeting lately and it's been nice but it's blair erskine and then on instagram it's blair dot erskine i switched it up a little bit so oh my god i like to change i keep people on their toes so don't forget the dot it's blair period erskine

that sounds like uh you know boiling the frog or like saving the cat or whatever like don't forget the period sounds like i would say the cat that that book yeah boiling the frog is that another book yeah if you if you raise the temperature if you put a frog in a pot of water on a stove and you raise the temperature real slowly it'll it won't jump out because it won't realize because of the gradual change in temperature that it's being boiled but if you change the temperature too quickly it'll just jump out of the pot so you got to do things gradually if you want them to work why are we uh uh boiling the frog yeah well just when when blair said don't forget the period it sounded like really like one of those like catchy like writing advice like don't forget the period when you're writing you always

need to remember julia is that is that a julia child's recipe boiling the frog you sound like you're uh fucking what's her name and julia julia meryl streep the other one amy adams amy adams amy adams well now you guys are mocking me on the pod yeah yeah pretty much yeah you were talking to us about boiling frog the listeners all of our listeners are going to know what I'm talking about and they're going to love it yucky yuck yuck hey this was um keeping record this was keeping

records another episode this was billionaire mindset with Caleb and Shelby billionaire mindset with Caleb and Shelby and our incredible guest Blair billionaire Blair if you will billion Blair Blair billions Blair billions This was Billionaire Mindset with Caleb and Shelby and our incredible guest, Blair. Billion Blair, if you will. Billion Blair, Blair Billions. Blair Billions.

All right, we got to get out of here. My God. That was a HitGum original.