Keeping Records - Boston Crime Donut (with Lureena Cornwell)

Episode Date: September 3, 2021

Some people say that art is chaos, and, in that sense? This episode is...art. Actor, improviser, and writer Lureena Cornwell has a virtual visit with Caleb and Shelby, who, per usual, are in a fight. This time it's over a cat turd. Aside from that, though, our hosts must know what's on Lureena's record, which is so unfortunate because her internet service provider absolutely does not want that.  When the dust has settled and Lureena's upload speed has improved beyond 1 Mbps, she gives the aliens a picture of the most ideal Earth: one in which domesticated animals walk themselves, clothes are reused, soup is filling, and where every human speaks with a non-rhotic dialect and either commits crime or cracks down on it. Lureena's Artifacts Pets walking with their humans without a leash (animal behavior) Boston crime movies, ex: The Departed, Mystic River, Gone Baby Gone (audio visual) When someone compliments your outfit and you get to tell them it’s all thrifted and how much you spent on every item, with a bonus when it’s a 69 cent item from Salvation Army on 69 cent Saturday (multisensory experience) Hearty soup (food) Hand cut French fries (food)  Family (human social structure) The dog painting video that Shelby likes. Follow Lureena on Instagram and Twitter! -- Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Caleb Aaron. Shelby. Wolstein. Wolstein. well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well shelby woolstein woolstein yeah we're wearing uh the actually the listeners might be interested to know that we're wearing very similar kind of shirt ideas right now we kind of have a similar

vibe going at the moment sort of military chic oh we love which mike loves our producer mike yeah military pro-cop mike was telling us before this recording he hates this bit he hates it he never speaks up he never speaks out or speaks up and if you're not speaking up you're part of the problem right 100 exactly 100 that caleb i in a package of other things a free gift that was given to you was this tiny can of beer is it not the cutest thing you've ever seen in your whole life i saw it in our refrigerator and i said for what reason i've been gone from the house for about two weeks and i said for what reason in the past two weeks did shelby get the smallest tiniest beer yeah and we'll and we'll bleep that and

we'll bleep that brand name because there's of course no free clap for the girlies but it's the smallest can i've ever seen right i've seen smaller when not of beer oh i can't speak on that but it's not of beer but i've definitely seen smaller cans caleb answer me in front of everyone and god also i don't remember i just miss me, I thought you were talking about the small can thing. No. Did I miss you? Yes. Oh, okay.

Awesome. You seem hesitant. I missed you. Ultimately, your cat has to die. Your cat is the biggest problem in my life. And that's saying something. I got a lot of problems on. But yeah, I missed you you i missed you too um i thought when i came into your room before this podcast um that maybe we would say hello in person but instead you lifted one ear up you said in

seven minutes yeah put it back on well listeners listeners what you what you'd love to know is that not only did i come home to shelby's cat having taken a huge shit on my bathroom floor, which we both agree is one of the nastiest things we've ever seen. Honestly, I love my cat. And I think generally she is without flaw. This is the gnarliest. It's really disgusting. It's the gnarliest thing I've ever seen. And the cat knows that I hate her.

And Shelby knows that I hate the cat. I don't want to live with the cat. I would do almost anything to get the cat out of the house except except for let it go free, which has crossed my mind, honestly. I've really thought about just leaving a door or window open or something. Not only that, but the reason I even had headphones on in the first place, because I was trying to take a nap and couldn't, because Shelby's cat was meowing so loud. Which was my fault. I took care of it, but you didn't notice because your headphones were on.

But it was because I went into a room and then closed the door yeah you can't do that and she really likes to be around me in fact she's literally right here yeah so if if if shelby goes in a room and shuts the door the cat bellows if shelby leaves the house the cat bellows if the cat doesn't have um what it deems to be enough food it bellows um and enough food by the way is not just the fact that it have what it deems to be enough food, it bellows. And enough food, by the way, is not just the fact that it has some. It has to be filled up to a certain level. Yeah, I will say, in Caleb's defense, it's not that he's letting the cat starve. It's that she needs the bowl to be at least three quarters full at all times.

Listen, for all the hate Caleb has for the cat, he actually does a very nice job of taking care of her when I'm not home so we can't Fault him for that but we can Absolutely fault the cat for shitting in his Bathroom and what I would argue Is the grossest way that she could have So what we have here is Just before the pod Shelby and I didn't get to Connect sort of in person

Because I had to have noise cancelling Headphones on in order to take a small nap And when he says noise canceling, I knocked on the door. I said, Caleb. I knocked on the door again. I said, Caleb. Open the door.

I said, Caleb. He didn't, not even a muscle flinch. Not even like, oh, something's on my head. Nothing. They're a really fancy brand. They're a really fancy brand of headphones. And if they want to sponsor, they can. If you want to reach out, you know who you are.

They're made by a rapper. And if you want to reach out, I'd be happy to're they're made by a rapper and if you want to reach out i'd be happy to talk about it not the one you're thinking who would i didn't want it to be too obvious okay i think it might be um i'm good my trip was good i'm happy to be home how are you i'm good i missed you um i'm annoyed to be going on a trip and you told me you weren't gonna see me at all in person before you went on your trip because you're worried that i might have covet 19 well i had a mask on as you might have noticed when i walked into your room yeah okay um but you're correct i'm just nervous about it because i'm gonna see old people what are their political affiliations do you know

what like how do they vote? Because if they don't vote the way that we do, maybe... Let them die? No, what? Shelby, oh my God. That's horrible. So where were you going to go? I'm just saying maybe...

Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Well, a lot of dead people voted in the last election, as you may know. The exact... And in Michigan and Georgia, actually. voted in the last election as you may know the exact and in michigan and georgia actually we gotta bring our guests in i know she's just what a joy our guest is am i right about that at least a dear friend of ours um gosh we performed performed every week together in Chicago on the hit show Studio 11. You all know it well. And you know her from the web. Guys, please put your hands and fins and paws together for Lorena Cornwall.

Lorena! Lorena! Lorena. Hi. What's up, dog? Oh, hi, guys. It's so crazy. it's so fun to see you guys do it in action i only get to hear it have you seen a can this small before yes oh i have have you seen one smaller yes there we go there we go in the air there no way. I want you to see this in person. This is not one of those.

This is smaller. I'll come. I miss you guys. I was trying to hang out with you guys beforehand. I was trying to sneak something in. I wasn't being smart, though, with timing. Yeah, unfortunately, I have a job again, which is only unfortunate because of the fact

that I can't hang out in the middle of the day like I like to. Otherwise, it's really great. But Shelby also had to go get, I think, her eyebrows waxed or something oh he noticed shelby's doing fuck me eyes again that's such a funny bit to do on the podcast because nobody can see it and it's just silence you guys wait for a response yeah shelby just raised her eyebrows for like 15 seconds. And that was frantically. In a way that was almost so fast that it was impressive. Almost. I'm not saying it was. It was close though to being.

Lorena, you live in LA now. I do. Do you like it or love it? I love it. There we go. I think a lot of people have been saying like, oh, just you wait because of the weather. It's the same all year round. And I've just been like, try me i i don't think i'll ever get sick of it try me

try me you think i'm gonna ever get sick of the fact that it's always perfect outside no way lorena you're someone who lives in la but anytime i think i should text lorena i think i don't think she's in town every time i'm leaving too i. I'm leaving next. Yes, there it is. Yeah, that's about right. That is very you to be gone. I feel like that's you guys as well though, no? I don't think. You just got back from a trip.

Yeah, but these are our first trips in like a year. It's a bad time for us to do this. Yeah, because typically we are pretty steadily here and people around us are moving, leaving, and we are here just holding down the city, making sure everything's okay. Wait, Lorena, where are you going? Tell everybody the address where you're staying and stuff. I'm going to Chicago and then I'm going to Providence. Yeah.

We're going to be there for over a week. It's for a wedding. Going to have some coffee milk. You know it. I'll bring you back some. What's up? Thank you, babe. Coffee milk.

Big Rhode Island thing. Right? Right? Right? Right? coffee milk you know it i'll bring you back some what's thank you babe coffee milk big rhode island thing right yeah that's it is that the brand i'm pretty sure all of those have to be bleeped all those have to be bleep it we don't do free clap for the girl is on the pod larina you know if they want to pay they know where to call head gum at if you know if if you make coffee milk in rhode island and you think we were saying your brand call head gum um and and let them know what you're willing to pay to do business we'd love to unbleep it they do a lot of business it's a business company wait mike if we if someone paid us post episode thought we were talking about them and they were correct,

could we retroactively unbleep their names? He says yes. That's huge. Damn. Okay. So if you make coffee milk in the Rhode Island area and you have $50,000 to spare, hit up HeadGum. Actually, don't go through HeadGum. DM us on Instagram.

Venmo Caleb and me. Venmo Caleb and I privately. We have a really great ad coming up in this episode. People don't even know what's coming. Is it a new one? Do we? Yeah. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but do we?

Can I still say Magic Spoon? Are we bleeping Magic Spoon now? You can say Magic Spoon. They pay. They pay us. Yeah, you can say Magic Spoon. We love Magic Spoon. We love Magic Spoon.

I don't even think they're a sponsor of this episode, but we can talk about them any day. We love Magic Spoon. I'm always trying to eat cereal. Use code GOLDEN for whatever our promo is on that. I don't want to feel like a kid when I eat cereal, so I like to eat Magic Spoon. Lorena, what about you? Yeah, for me, I like to watch adult cartoons and eat adult cereal. Magic Spoon.

Magic Spoon. Give it a try, Lorena, for once in your life. Zero grams of sugar magic spoon if you want the roth ira on the back of your cereal box magic spoon what's up that's so true they do that they do that they put your like roth ira information larina do you have any money advice for the listeners i'm the opposite of that that's not that's not me that's griffin i don't know a thing i'm pretty sure i'm in the negative actually though larina was living in

larina was living in an apartment in chicago for i'm pretty sure 13 cents a month uh pretty close you can move a decimal yeah it was she's sort of freezing now lar Lorena, you are so frozen right now. No, this is our best internet. What? You have multiple different internets out of curiosity? Is it still chopping? Yeah. Caleb, do you want to say anything about Lorena while she's gone?

I'm really feeling disrespected by the internet quality situation. Are you mad about the internet from yesterday? Yeah, Spectrum sucks, and you can keep their name in for that one nice i have spectrum oh well that makes this make more sense is it still doing it yeah it's not good it'll be this should be good i think this is going a little better lorina caleb you try lorina exactly thank you we have a question for you and it's a question we came up with just for you um if you were gonna make we're gonna make new golden records what would you put on them

okay so number one would be pets walking with their humans without a leash. Okay. Are they completely alone? Is the human beside them? Give us, paint us a little picture here. Okay. So you know how when you're walking sometimes and you're like in your own world and then you look across the street and somebody's like walking with their dog and the dog like doesn't have a leash and it's like with its, its little human and it's, it's a choice.

Like it's an act of choice. The dog can run away if it wants, but it won't. It's just happily walking with its little human. And it's a choice. Like it's an act of choice. The dog can run away if it wants, but it won't. It's just happily walking with its other person. And it's staying right by them. And the owner is just like, yep, that's my dog. I'm not worried about it one bit. That dog's staying by my side. Do you have a problem with people who maybe have a dog, it's unleashed,

and maybe they're not as disciplined as the one you're painting in the picture? Yeah, then what? So I will say this. When I sent this over to my manager, Crystal, she responded to the email being like, oh, number one's my number one pet peeve too. And I was like, oh shit. I'd never thought about people. I never thought about it from that perspective. Yeah. Obviously if you have an animal that should be on a leash, put that shit on a leash. Yeah. Sometimes I notice people will start to take their dogs off the leash when they get like

if they're walking them near their house. OK. They'll take them off leash near the house and then they just sort of will be a nuisance. No, no. I'm talking about that loyalty, that like calm. It's not going anywhere. OK. Who?

OK. If you had to choose to be someone in those situations, would you rather be the human or the dog, Lorena? I would rather be the human. See? See, I'd like to be the dog personally. Why? They don't have to do anything, dude.

They just hang out. They just like lay around. It's awesome. I watched a video today that I need to talk to you guys about and it's relevant well it's sort of relevant yeah well we get to decide that we'll see larina larina let's decide let's decide if it's relevant after this is over it's a video of a dog all right and he is by himself painting a painting with his mouth oh not his paws it's not a paw painting no it's with his he puts the paintbrush in his he brings the color to his owner opens the paint gives it back to him he puts it on

the brush and then he puts it on this thing with his teeth it's one of the cutest things i've ever seen i have never seen something that i've liked more than that okay it is so cute it's on your phone um now on instagram i that to me is one of the cutest things that's ever happened on planet earth in the world like this what why i don't like this why i don't like this she's i don't i don't like i don't like this. She's I don't I don't like I don't like this. This flies in the face of God. She's dancing for the camera. She's turning on the camera. That's the second one. Look at the first one.

All of it. She's any of it. The picking up of the paint, the paint. She shouldn't be an artist. She shouldn't be an artist. She shouldn't be an artist. I don't support that. And also the picture looks like shit.

Oh, my gosh. The picture looks bad. It's just a full blue. Oh, no, the picture. No, it gets better. He makes a shit. Oh my gosh. The picture looks bad. It's just a full blue. Oh, maybe it's getting better. No, it gets better. He makes a flower. Oh, okay. Actually, the picture's pretty good.

I still don't like it. It's actually crazy to me that he can do it. Like, think about an image and then make it with his face. Mouth. Yeah, this isn't... I don't like this. This is really... I will say I'm wrong about the picture.

It does turn out better. He was just painting a background originally i don't like that he knows how to do this lorena do you have a take so i think it was kind of adjacent to what we were talking about there doesn't seem to be much of a relationship like it doesn't seem to be a duo thing if he was painting with his human that'd be really cute well as humans opening the paint here's my thing there's a dark side to the reality of that video you sent us what's the dark reality yep there's like probably some like terrible training going on like shock collars yelling yep this dog looks so painfully happy i can't even stress it painfully i can't i'm not gonna i'm not gonna mess with my

phone so i can't see it but i do know that there's like those videos of the dogs dancing on their two legs you have you ever seen the videos of dogs dancing on their no that's dangerous this is not dangerous this guy seems to be okay anyway something i really like that dogs do for the record is when a dog puts his own leash in his mouth and brings it to the owner you have you ever seen when they walk it yeah that's cute as all hell that's the good stuff that's when dogs that's when dogs are at that's when dogs are in their bag dogs are in their bag when they are putting a leash in their mouth and walking it around i don't know i i'm sorry i'm sitting with this i think i know this isn't you you're

really good at like you're i feel like you're better than you're too good for pets and we've talked about this and you're like actually it's just kind of cats you mess with dogs caleb no i love dogs i just get scared when animals know a lot i don't like like when they have monkeys start to talk and things that makes me very i don't like that why are we teaching them or when when they're like oh dolphins get sad i'm like they should not we shouldn't they shouldn't be allowed to do that that doesn't make any they're just supposed to swim the scary thing about dolphins is the teeth what do their teeth look like larina you are losing service again i'm not trying to be this guy is this better

no it's just worse somehow no it's not this guy. Is this better? No, it's just worse somehow. No, it's not. Why is this worse? Griffin's gonna get me. I cannot. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me.

Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me.

Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me.

Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. Griffin's gonna get me. showing this computer audio how do i connect these earpods yo you gotta talk you gotta hang up on the phone can you guys just um you are so crystal clear right now it's insane it's crazy this is the best video and sound quality i've almost ever seen are you serious it's like you it's like you're right now it looks like you are literally in a movie and it sounds the same in earlier it was like you were filming on a potato here's yeah what i would say is that in the original one it's like what i imagine a video chat would look like in a movie about someone who was taken and thrown in a

dungeon and they have one percent battery left to communicate and right now it is a facetime in a dungeon and they have one percent battery left to communicate and right now it is a facetime in a movie where everything's perfect and they're just checking in i have the newest iphone i have a macbook pro i don't know what to say i don't know she's bragging i am because why was that not enough brag flex brag and flex flexing and bragging it's funny when somebody else has wi-fi problems i never think it's their fault but when i have wi-fi problems it feels inherently like a flaw about me when i when our internet went out yesterday i imagined caleb having to use the text i sent him from spectrum for like as like proof because i always if my internet goes out and i'm at home i'm like screenshot send it to my boss be like i can can't work and it isn't my fault.

No, thank God I don't have one of those jobs. That's, which not, I don't think you necessarily do either, but I don't even feel compelled, thank God. I feel compelled all the time. What's that about? So true about you, ultimately. Okay, so Lorena, do you have your headphones? I'm not in the mood to record now.

Listeners, you don't know what just happened because Mike certainly cut it. We're proud. Is that... I personally am going to need the listeners to know what we all went through. It's energistically important that the listeners of this episode

do know that podcasting is not perfect. In this unprecedented time. In the global pandemic. Which we're still in, by the way. Mike, underscore this with orchestral music. In this unprecedented time. We all have to come together. And find ways to make things work when it's a little bit harder to connect. Unfortunately, our guest today refused to do her part.

She allowed herself to have life-changing issues. She missed her bell with Spectrum. She missed her bell with spectrum she missed her bill with spectrum and it's that kind of self-centeredness that i think the pandemic has really underscored in our society yeah larina lost internet then switched to her phone somehow that was worse switched back to the computer we were in the dark ages and then now switched to her boyfriend's computer which has the best video quality i've ever seen the most crisp video i mean she's gorgeous y'all know that she looks

as beautiful as she ever has her boyfriend her boyfriend griffin who's a friend of ours as well is scrambling around in the background trying to get his trying to work his job while she records this stupid gay little comedy podcast and then well once we figured out the image and we saw her beautifully we actually ended up not being able to hear her but let me tell you this listeners and you can and this is an official keeping record slogan god gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors soldiers warriors same thing and we are prepared and i want to say this larina a couple weeks ago in silver lake i saw a hot guy walking a dog in a cute little sweater and i actually got jealous of the dog i was like that is that is somebody important to the story yeah and actually important

to me because i happen to know something about your type but was he in a sweater was the dog in a sweater he was not in a sweater the dog was in a sweater i was gonna say you don't often like men in a sweater okay you told me you told me once that you didn't like a like a cable knit sweater well i don't mind a cable knit sweater but i don't like guys who think they're doing something by putting one on see that's i think what i've picked up on in the past is I've been like, Oh, he looks hot in that sweater. And you've been like, it just does not do that for me.

Lorena guys in sweaters. Yeah. I mean, Griff's kind of a sweater boy, big time sweater boy. Griffin likes a not cable knit sweater, like a, a plain knit sweater,

but with a chunky collar. He likes a thrifted sweater, but it, but it having a real story behind it. That he knows? Yeah. That he knows the story or that he imagines? One that's just like, it's not, he doesn't like to stand out. He just likes to wear something that's comfy and like already weathered in by somebody else.

Yeah. Does that make sense? I think every sweater that Griffin owns is actually from a sailor in one way or another. Yeah. One way or another yeah one way or another if you really think about it i don't i'm trying to think of your type caleb i don't know your type we don't we don't we really really really don't have to do that we really don't have to talk about my type on the pod i'm changing every day i'm growing as a person okay you don't want to be tied down you don't want to be tied down well i just want to be better and i'm trying

every day to be this feedback from caleb right now means i have to catch up with him about his trip this this weird energy about his type something that we've known this is about this is about the closeted guy i hooked up with before i left la you know about him yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just growing and changing.

I'm growing and changing and we all are Lorena. And I think what you've added to the records in terms of the dog walking to next to the human with no leash, I think that also exhibits growth and change. That's a dog saying I've grown. I don't need you anymore. I'm not going to choose to have you near. I choose.

I choose. I choose. I choose to have you near i choose i choose i choose i choose dogs have the right to choose they dogs have a right to choose i choose dogs that's how that conversation dogs have the right to choose yeah they have a right yeah they have a right to choose tell that to my socks tell my ex wife tell my ex wife the dog has a right to choose how about my freaking

slippers sir yeah dogs have the right to chew chew a bone for once god damn it I can't afford more socks you know who else has a right to choose my ex-wife yeah she chose to live with somebody else well how about that anyway anyway anyway what else what else what else what else i work at a bank i got three kids they're however old they are

Luina look what's next on your records be honest okay if I'm being honest it's Boston crime movies Boston crime movies so this is a Caleb thing I feel like because I don't know very many of these

it's a type of donut Boston crime nice wow Caleb thing, I feel like, because I don't know very many of these. It's a type of donut. Boston Crime. Nice. I wish they could say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I stole a donut the other day when I was in Massachusetts. You know what they call that? A Boston Crime. Okay, Boston Crime movies. Name one, I dare you. Okay, I'll name three i dare you okay i'll name three okay one mystic river two

the departed three yeah gone baby gone i only know the departed you got to do the other two what explain mystic river to me in two sentences only. Shakespeare. What? Oh, okay. Explain the other one. Explain the other one. All right. No, thanks. Okay. Nuanced. I don't know.

They're so good. They're like my comfort. I can tell just by the energy, look, and tone of Lorena saying that, that in both of those movies, the color of the screen most of the time is blue and and it's cold and they're so cold when they talk they're always outside though it's windy they are it's always winter okay did you ever watch the documentary lorina about the big boston art robbery no there's a really good documentary i can't remember what it's called but it's on netflix and it's about a big boston art museum robbery that happened do you know what

museum my dad used to work at the museum of fine arts um it wasn't that one i had a very specific it was like an old woman's name um boston art larina's dad is one of the cutest people alive i want that on record that is i should have put that in there the isabella the isabella stewart gardner museum was robbed um and it was robbed in um oh gosh march 18th of 1990 and the movie is called this is a robbery yeah they got robbed and um a guy got tied up and duct taped and left in the basement. Kim Kardashian vibes. Kim Kardashian vibes.

It was really crazy. But I like Boston accents. I think The Departed. I watched The Departed like two months ago for the very first time ever at like two in the morning. I found it on Netflix and I said, oh my God, I've never seen this. Look at the cast. And I watched it all that night in the middle of the night and it was so i really liked it i will say watching it at 2 a.m is the best time to watch it yeah alone 2 a.m alone on a big projector i was like really kind

of like living it's good you're gonna if you if you like that you're gonna love mystic river and gone baby gone do you think do they have the same cast? The same caliber. Okay. Is Ray Liotta in either of them? I love Ray Liotta. Ray Liotta's not in The Departed. No, Ray Liotta's not in The Departed. What movie is he in that I love?

It's with Jennifer Love Hewitt. What movie is that? Heartbreakers. Heartbreakers. Ray Liotta's in Heartbreakers, and that movie is underrated We all agree? I've never seen it

So far I agree Okay Ray Liotta is in What the heck is that one? Should we make the rest of this episode Us reading out Ray Liotta's IMDB? Ray Liotta was in Wild Hogs Goodfellas

He was in Killing Them Softly. Narc? Hubie Halloween. He was in Hubie Halloween? Yeah, Ray Liotta was in Hubie Halloween. Wait, Caleb, what was the scary movie that I loved? It wasn't actually scary. It had Vince Vaughn.

Oh, Freaky. Freaky. Free clap for the girlies. Everyone should be watching Freaky this Halloween season. Freaky, really good. It's the funniest movie I've ever seen in my opinion. So I'm watching Freaky and then I'm watching the documentary and then I'm watching the Heathers, you said?

Or Heartbreakers. Heartbreakers. Oh, I was going to say, who said Heathers? Ray Liotta was also in the Bee movie. What was he in the Bee movie? The Bee movie is one of the best movies ever made. I've never seen it. It sounds horrible.

Ray Liotta, it actually doesn't say. His is the only one that doesn't have a character name under it whoa that's kind of weird right doesn't he try to fuck a human woman the b yeah that's part of what makes the movie good he sort of gets into a relationship with the human woman oh was this with jerry seinfeld yes okay in the b movie what did listeners if you're out there and you know what ray liotta played in the B movie hit us up Please hit us up we need to know Ray Liotta B movie So what is it that you like what do you want the aliens to learn from a Boston crime movie

Do you want them to learn how to do crimes when they get here Do you want them to know that we're capable of crime Do you want them to be afraid Inspired It's just the quality of cinema I don't know There's just There's something about Those movies in particular that are, they're just so comforting. And I don't know why.

They're just so good. They're riveting. I think a really good thing about the alien seeing a Boston crime movie is that I think most crime movies are a little bit unrealistic, right? Like, we would catch them. And I think that then we could weed them out. They'd try to do a little crime. We would catch bit unrealistic right like there you go catch them and i think that then we could weed them out they'd try to do a little crime we would catch them almost right away we would be like oh we saw this movie we know how this goes there you go that's so true actually and plus the aliens would know then about boston accents and how hot they can be yeah but what

if they came down and all spoken to boston accent because they were like this is the media we have available to us do a boston accent right now shall we i actually don't know what it is try one do what you think it is boston not okay do more than one word oh mike didn't like do more than one word do like two sentences uh like what do you want me to say say i went down to the harbor with my car to get my daughter i went down to the harbor with my daughter to get my car yeah yeah you missed you messed up the sentence but you got the accent pretty good yeah i realized i've been way through but um i went down to the harbor with my car to get my daughter i did worse than you did that's what's crazy larina say it i went down to the harbor with my car to get my daughter i went down to

the harbor to get my car to get my daughter Well again People are having a really hard time saying the sentence I don't know why I went down to the harbor to get my car with the daughter No it's not I went down to the harbor to get my daughter I'm doing JFK

I don't know why I'm doing JFK I went down to the harbor We have to go down to the harbor with the car to get the daughter Then I get shot We gotta go down to the harbor to get my daughter with the car Where'd it come from? And then I get shot And then there's funeral music

And then a funeral processional I gotta get my daughter out of the car She's down at the harbor Now listen here. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Boston Crime Movies, we gotta cut to a break for ads. And this is the ad you guys have all been waiting on. Welcome, Bark.

Lorena, why don't you give us a woof? I know this. Yeah. I knew this was coming. Shelby. What was that? Nothing. Shelby, are you okay? Shelby, that was, no, Shelby, that was the most beautiful bark I've ever heard.

Can you do the bark in a Boston accent? Wah, wah, wah. Wahf. Wahf. Wahf, wahf, wahf. beautiful bark i've ever heard can you do the bark in a boston accent that was the dog getting assassinated in the back of his convertible in dallas what's that movie where that happens with the dog a dog gets assassinated the dog gets killed it's um no it's um john oh it's john wick no i'm thinking of it's a dog specific movie the name of the movie is the name of the dog marley and me and it's a political assassination marley's running for president and has really radical ideas about yeah climate change and gets assassinated maybe i'm thinking of is there which is the one where they go marley and me marley marley's a radical leftist politician who runs for president and gets old yeller doesn't old yeller get shot? Assassinated, yeah. Because old yeller was a double agent. Yeah, an Antifa BLM leftist who ran for office.

Under the Republican. Which is, yeah, why he got killed. They didn't love it, which sucks, because I think it could have been powerful. Lorena, what else would you put on your recces? Okay. When you're wearing an outfit and someone compliments it and they're like, where'd you get that?

And you're like, oh, it's all thrifted. And then you get to tell them exactly how much you spent on each thing. And then bonus points when it's an item from the Salvation Army when it's 69 cents Saturday. Is that because of the sexual position that that excites you?

No, it's the price, how low it is, 69 cents. None of that because of the sexual position that that excites you? No, it's the price, how low it is. 69 cents. None of it's about the fact that that's a pretty popular sex act? No, I've never done it and never will. I don't. You've never 69ed? Never. It's not a good sex position.

I just knew. I just knew. You've never tried it? I've only ever had had sex 69 exclusively lorina you would you would you ever would you ever consider trying it no wow that's really powerful down that's really powerful no that's very powerful i think that's beautiful because i already know you know it's not for you i Yeah, I will say, I have enough time. I'll make time for each thing to have its own. What's up?

It's a time thing with you. You don't like efficiency. Lorena says this is too efficient. No processes in the bedroom, Lorena says. Everybody deserves to feel like a star. Yeah? Lorena. Okay.

Wait. Feel like a star. I'm a star. I'm down at the Harvard. I'm a star yeah lori okay wait feel like a star lorina i'm a star i'm down at the harbor i'm down at the harbor in my car getting ahead oh my lord this officially became a podcast my parents now can't listen to why because they know that you get so sensitive about this stuff well but lorina you just told them you've never had sex. They've given head. That's true. I am waiting till marriage.

And that is a fact. If your parents haven't given head, that would be crazy. I know. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I got to say, thrifting, thrifting, I love the way you thrift. You put together beautiful outfits. I'm really proud of you. Incredibly thin person hobby.

Incredibly thin person hobby. Incredibly thin person hobby. Every time you talk to me about thrifting, I get so sad because there's nothing good for fat people at thrift stores. Have you ever noticed? And the places that do cater to y'all, they totally hike up the prices. Yeah, they do.

That's so true what you said. No, you're completely right. It is genuinely a privilege. It's not an attack. I just, I really want to be a thrifty be i didn't take it as an attack i just took it as a fact no you're crying and that means you took it as an attack i'm crying because it's my period i'm crying because i'm a woman crying because i'm a woman on my period and i can't talk about giving a table right now but it would be so much funnier if caleb had said are you crying you must be on your period i wish oh can we cut the recording if there's going to be people menstruating i don't want to be around anymore something i hate about thrifting

and most of the time i really like it but this is something that's been getting to me lately is that if you wear a size pant okay that size pant in vintage pants in the 80s you have to add 13 extra numbers to it they were doing pants different and that is so not right for my brain i'm sitting there being like no i'm not it's so confusing to me i never know what to try on um no i agree with you they were doing pants really different back then and it really is um so off-putting they don't even the size that i would wear in old time pants didn't even get made well i like i look at the pants and i grab you know ones that i like that i think are my size based on the number that i wear and then i pull them i go

into the dressing room well it, it's discouraging. They don't, it's, it's like, oh, I thought this was my size and now I don't even know my body anymore. And then, and it's not that I, I'm afraid of a bigger number. It's that I'm like, do I not know my own? How do I, how, how do I even find it at this point? And then you can find it at one thrift store. Then you go to the next one. It's wrong again. That's why you can't look at the numbers. You can't do that. You got to look at the piece. But they're racked up by numbers.

I don't pay attention to any of that. Oh. I'm looking in every section. Some of the best stuff I got was in like the boys section or like the seasonal. You got to look everywhere. People be hiding things. You got to look. Lorena once bought me a sweater at a thrift store as a gift do you still

have it yes of course lorina not at it what you think i would get rid of it do you still have the jacket that's different the jacket was kind of hoisted upon you because i was like this looks good on you and i took it off and i gave it to you on the spot i do have it but i'm trying to think of which one it is the gray one yes i Yes, I do have it. Okay, word. I know a couple people I've given them things and they're like, yeah, it didn't work out. Didn't work out. We just didn't vibe. Thank you, though.

I had to go a different direction. Had to go a different direction. Wait, Lorena, what is something, and sorry, I'm being a little bit random here, but what is something, Shelby, I think you know where I'm headed with this uh-oh oh my god yeah caleb wants to know what's something um and i want to know too but caleb's desperate you text me about this this morning yeah yeah what is something so embarrassing

that you want to delete it from the record of humanity and before you answer it doesn't have to be the big stuff it doesn't have to be the military industrial complex can't be because mike said we couldn't do that doesn't have to be famine doesn't have to be any of the big stuff i know i know oh i know let's see it's weird because i really actually don't feel so strongly before I say what it is. I actually don't feel so strongly about it. But I would get rid of musicals. Oh, yeah, baby. Now we're cooking. I want you guys to know this.

Caleb responded in perfect musical form. Yeah. Caleb said, go Grease Lightning. They gotta go. They gotta go, bitch. It's just a little embarrassing. We got adults, we got adults singing

how they feel and in costume. Y'all are wrong. Musicals are good. Caleb is at least misinformed because his take on this is that he saw one play that nobody likes. Lame is. It's not my take because his take on this is that he saw one play that nobody likes, Les Mis.

It's not my take. I constantly on this pod get misconstrued as somebody who saw Les Mis on Broadway and decided to hate musicals. That's not true. How many others did you see? I saw Les Mis on Broadway and I happened to hate musicals. Now, now, now, now, now. How many others have you seen? I've seen, I've seen've seen oh god i've seen dozens

you know up name you know enough um um fucking not even just plays not even just musicals plays even um no musicals is the one that we're talking about babe musicals i can't remember what all was musicals and what all wasn't i had to see so many in college story no what is the one with the little the fucking partoof was that a musical no that was just a play Tartuffe you ever seen it Listeners will know we got theater kids You're not watching any of the bangers That's the problem Which one Shelby would you say

Is the one that's like listen I'll tell you right now Book of Mormon There's only one good musical in the entire world Kinky Boots Lion King the musical Annie Wizard of Oz Book of Mormon? There's only one good musical in the entire world. What's that? Kinky Boots. No. Lion King, the musical. No.

Annie. No. Lord Almighty. Keep going. Wizard of Oz. No. Which one? Keep going.

We're going to try some guesses. Joseph and the Technicolored Dream. I said a ton. No. We're going to say more. I said all the ones I know. What'd you say? I said like, I said Dear Evan Hansen. No, absolutely not.

West Side Story. No, no. You guys are fucking up so big Hansen. No, absolutely not. West Side Story. No, no. Um. You guys are fucking up so big right now. I'm, Lord Almighty. Okay, cartoons don't count, right? The Wiz. No.

The Wiz. No. Wizard of Oz. No. Oh, racist. Racist not to like The Wiz. Nope. I didn't say I didn't like it.

It's just not the only important musical. There's one important musical and everyone knows it and you guys haven't said it yet. Legally Blonde? No. Hamilton? Mean Girls musical? No. I hate this.

Hairspray. Hairspray. I feel like that's the problem. Hairspray. Good morning, Baltimore. Good morning, Baltimore. Nailed it. What's the other one?

What's the other big song from that one? It's like, when you touched me. What's the, you know what I'm saying? It's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. You know what I'm saying? It's like, what is the song?

It's like from Hairspray. It's like. He. What? Oh, gosh. I can hear the bells. I can hear the bells i can hear the bells oh my oh man what is that one called it's i can hear the bells no yes okay uh yeah hairspray is the only good musical yeah it's like and all because he touched me.

He looked at me and stared. Yes, he bumped me. My heart was unprepared. That's a hot, that's a really hot song. Woof. Well, anyway, moving on. Deleting musicals really speaks to my soul. And I think that with all the other things you've done so far,

I'm feeling really impressed. And I think that we have a couple more things to hear about but I just want you to know that you're off to a really good start with me okay okay good and deleting musicals was um tough for my childhood a lot of it goes away I'm not counting cartoons I will say that no no I was in a lot of musicals yeah oh which Oh. Which explains a lot. Does it? I don't feel like I have musical theater kid energy. You don't.

They never do, babe. They never do. You don't. You happen to be right, but they never do. You know what I mean? People who do never do. Gabby Boyd,

a good friend of ours and a musical theater kid, has the most musical theater energy of anyone I've ever met. I don't think she would say that. I've had like three conversations with her and i agree corina what else is on your record to be honest okay a good bowl of hearty soup and hand-cut french fries okay that's not really what's up go ahead those don't really go together well here's the thing i could only pick one i only had space for one right but i couldn't choose between the two the i mean you could you could

i love them together i was really just fucking with you what kind of okay well for format's sake i'd put them together what kind of soup do you like best hmm I love pho you love pho okay you do actually I have to tell a really okay Ernest Ernest story alert weee Ernest story

Ernest story alert he lives on his period go on it's the honest story of our day. Honest story. Oh, please, sir. Tell us an honest story. Oh, please. An honest story for my daughter.

My wife is in the car. Mike, you're not going to let that. that no it's going in go through okay so an earnest story about our friend lorena is that when we lived in chicago um i was so broke and um had no car and was trying to do auditions and also not was whatever dumb day job I was working at the time. And I told Lorena, I told Lorena, I have, well, there's actually honestly, both of you were very helpful to me in this time.

But I told Lorena, um, one time I have to go to an audition on the far, far Southwest side of town. And I, I, I'm so stressed about it. And Lorena said,

I'm going to pick you up. I'm going to help you run lines on the way there. And then I'm going to, I'm going to buy you lunch before your audition. And she did exactly that. And she took me to a place. Well, you know, do you remember this? You bought the lunch? No, you bought it. Okay. But you, you were, you were very sweet and you offered to buy it. And I was being an insane person and I was like, I'll, I'll buy it. Cause I love you. And then you Venmo'd me money, even though I don't use Venmo. Lorena, we just did a whole intro about how this was going to be an earnest story.

And it was going to build you up and make you look good. And now you're tearing down facets of it. No, I'm not. I'm just saying you were very, I feel like if anyone were to hear that, they'd be like, oh, you didn't offer to pay for the food. You did. And you were very insistent. Lorena is like, Caleb, you're going to look really bad if people hear this story.

They're going to think that you were poor. Ew. story, they're going to think that you were poor. Ew. No, they're going to think that you're poor. And ungrateful, by the way. And gay, disgusting.

No, you were wonderful. It was nice. That was really nice. We talked about your mom and your family and. Yeah. Yeah. That's where,

that's the first time you told me the story about your mom at the bar, which I still, every time I think about your mom, I think about that story, how she got kicked out. mom got banned for being a badass for smashing a bottle over a guy's head because he wouldn't stop touching her friend pretty cool go off kelly's an icon shout out kelly free clout free clout for kelly anytime um lorena is also someone who will invite you over to make you a soup. Well, always.

Sort of all the time. And the execute. So here's the thing I'm learning about myself. As Caleb said, we're growing and we're changing. I can't offer that anymore for big groups because I just drop the ball. If I'm having someone over for dinner the way I want to in my heart, you got it. It can't be over two people. I remember. Yeah,

because I remember I had you guys all over Studio 11 and I, the food just, I remember Caleb being like, honey, I need hot sauce. Like, she was worried. She was worried about you looking bad before. Now she's going in. Now she's twisting the knife. I said, baby, I can't eat this. I'm going to need some, I'm going to need some

sriracha or something. Come on now. You said this white boy needs some seasoning. I said, please, please, please, please. Come on. Don't do me like this. Come on. At least salt.

That was nice, though. Alicia, a little salt. A little more salt. More salt. Hot sauce. More salt. No, Lorena, your soups are very good they are but yeah large groups are sometimes caleb you just did your impression of what's his name are you drinking a second beer shelby yeah wow it's like the middle of the day it's 9 a.m on sunday it's 9 a.m on a sunday shelby it's 5 p.m on a fucking wednesday on a fucking wednesday for this it's fucking 5 p.m. on Sunday. It's 9 a.m. on a Sunday, Shelby. It's 5 p.m. on a fucking Wednesday. On a fucking Wednesday.

I miss church for this. It's fucking 5 p.m. on fucking Wednesday. It's fucking 5 p.m. on a fucking Wednesday. I can't have a fucking beer. Can't have a fucking beer. Assassinated. Yeah, you can. Assassinated.

What if in one of those movies where where they show an assassination that is the sound of the gun that it made they were just like did you guys know that gerald ford uh what gerald ford there were two assassination attempts on him in like one month when he was president in the 70s who were they i don't know i just know that people were really trying to kill him and it's weird because i don't think he ever did anything that people really why yeah he just it's more of a bounty hmm more for fun more for sport larina you have one final thing on your records no well tell us about it you want to get you want to talk about being earnest my guy my last one you don't have what it's family you don't have what

it takes to be honest family you're a coward family family what style lasagna wait you're not actually talking about like just the concept of family, are you? Absolutely. Oh, okay. The concept of family. Family to me. Lorena, it was so awesome to have you on, girl. Yeah, girl. Thank you so much. Tell people where they can find you.

Tell people where they can find you, girl. Love it. Love you, girl. No, so family. You have a very cute one. Yeah. Sure. Oh, why are you being weird There's a mystery

Anything but sure Why are you being weird about that for sure Well that's my point is like family is this like I just The fights that I've had with my mom Or even my sister I think those two people have seen me At my worst And I've seen them at my worst and I

would, I would be killed for them and kill for them. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I love them more than anything, but if it were the things that have gone down between those two people, just in particular, if it happened with anyone else, I would never want to see those people ever again. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I don't know how to i don't know family to me is just just the craziest that is sort of the poisonous curse of family huh yeah just like you guys close your eyes right now and think of some of the shit that's gone down within your family and like

put that on any other kind of relationship and imagines like then saying oh my god i love that person that's my you can't so how are you demonstrating it to the aliens how are you demonstrating that that concept to the aliens oh gosh i guess they could put a chip on put a chip i volunteer our family they could put a chip in us and or whatever and they could go through i don't know it's so nuanced i don't know that's a good question i should have thought of that how would i what do you guys think i think you hate the last one you wish i didn't say family i think maybe we would send a picture a picture's enough i sent you guys a picture yeah that's enough caleb said you could have picked anything else i actually had to narrow

it down too i was between a couple of things to put on this don't tell us the others because we'll just get stressed out we'll get stressed out and i won't well i love family actually and i think it's cool that you decided to say that and i think um your family is good and what you said about family is true and i also think that um family can be not even just the one that you were born into, but that many people even as well have a chosen family. And I think that family too can look like... And that's part of it for sure.

And there you go. And I think that family too can be like people you even play like on a sports team with, like people who win the Super Bowl together or something, or even people who don't even win. You don't have to win to be a family with someone. And I think like sometimes if you work at a restaurant, even like the back of house in front of house can have such a particular relationship that feels like family even or even people are like mike won't stop being a cop but we still love him like our little brother we love him like a little brother he's

so small and younger than us and um even though he polices the streets we love him and we would never stop loving him and that's like a definition of family as well perfect i really appreciate how you took it took care of that one for me like that lorina we love you girl i love you guys back um how much how much how much how much i love you guys back one to ten each of us let's just say the total is nine and a half jesus christ that's not are you sure out of 10 it would be out of 20 if we totaled it caleb oh my gosh no no no no she likes she loves one of us a five and one of us a four and a half or if we're lucky loves one of us an eight imagine I loved one of you guys just a nine and a half oh which one

don't tell me never you guys are both a nine and a half what is the other half what would we have to do what would we have to do to get the last half

the point five yeah what's that I don't want to see perfection that's why Lorena won't 69 and that's why I won't 69

Lorena won't Lorena won't 69. And that's why I won't 69. Lorena won't open herself up to that kind of joy. Lorena, we love you. Tell people please where they can find you. Please. Uh, um,

online with y'all. Let's see. Yeah, I'm there. Drop a handle. I'm on that Instagram stories. Drop a handle, babe.

That's my, that's my safe space. Um space um oh so instagram's louise lady friend and then i think twitter's just my name isn't it makes good soup babe is it makes good soup it used to be did you change it no i didn't change it i haven't been on twitter in a long time now your twitter is makes good soup, babe. Damn. Okay. I think I'll check it right now. Why is it Louie's lady friend out of curiosity? Well, I got it pretty late in the game. And my friend was pregnant with her first child. And her name's Annika. Hi, Annika. There's no way she's going to listen to this. She's too busy. But she had a baby. The baby's name's Louie. And she would always say, look, Louie, that's your lady friend. And she told me to make an Instagram so I could see pictures of him.

So I did. And I put Louie's lady friend and it stuck. That's so cute. That's so cute. Louie's really cute. Your Twitter handle is makesgoodsoup. Okay. Which is really sort of timely with your record.

There you go Stay consistent Lorena Thank you guys For having me I really am Such a fan Of this podcast

Lorena no We're a fan Of your call Thank you For doing it Yes And do us A quick little favor

Okay Call Spectrum And get your money back babe Oh I'm using this As proof I'm getting the month off the month off you're gonna get the whole month taken off your bill i'm gonna get the month off oh my god okay well caleb and i have a uh have a have a mechanic coming in our house unannounced

yeah we're paying full rent yeah yeah yeah we have a guy coming in our house without our permission and our landlord's gaslighting us about it and we're not doing anything about our rent or any we're not we're just being complete cowards about it and i know the guy i feel like you guys if you guys wanted to say something i feel like you could see you would think that but oh lord don't tell me his name we won't not on the podcast no what's his name and full name and address again? Mike cut this now. Mike cut it. That was a Hiddem Original.