Keeping Records - Caleb and Shelby Hit It Raw From Behind

Episode Date: September 10, 2021

If you've ever wondered what Keeping Records would sound like if the guest was off-mic in the corner of the room, and then left 15 minutes into the episode leaving Caleb and Shelby to their own devices, well, have we got an episode for you.  It's an episode devoted totally (TOTALLY!) to your (YOU! THE LISTENER!!) picks! There are way wayyyy too many to list, and just as many Delete Its, so I'm just going to tell you to check out MUNA's new music video for "Silk Chiffon (feat. Phoebe Bridgers)" to marvel at the acting abilities and overall hotness of two specific supporting cast members. -- Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, in the boom it's pushing the boom um what's up we have kind of a special episode this week kind of a weird one kind of an interesting energy we're serving to the people interesting energy

you guys know how you love specifically the intro more than the episodes guess what this is one long intro basically shelby and i are sitting on our couch right now so you're not gonna be seeing video from this week because i'm being recorded uh via zoom from beneath yeah and if it was ever released the way that i look from beneath on a zoom camera i would and i hate to say this might bleep it out i would not be living i would not live through that day personally. Yeah. The way I look from beneath is criminal.

It's just, it's an angle. I watched someone at a wedding take a picture and I actively go from below. No. And was like, I'm really great. Like was really touting. Like I'm amazing at photography.

People do that sometimes. We're not just the touting of photography. People will do that. Like kind of, they try to do like a cool perspective from beneath where you're like kind of looking down and they're like shooting. amazing at photography. People do that sometimes. We're not just the touting of photography. People will do that. Like kind of, they try to do like a cool perspective from beneath where you're like kind of looking down and they're like shooting. No, babe.

No, I'm not the one. I'm not the one. You're thinking of someone else. You're thinking of a supermodel. You're thinking of Milo Ventimiglia. You're not thinking of Caleb Daniel Harris. You're not thinking,

you're not thinking of me and I'm, you would think I would want that angle. It would make me, it would give me some height. Yeah. You're so short. little tiny disgusting hard to see when people look forward they often don't see me no because you're so far i get hit by every car yeah because they just can't see me there are no cars that don't hit you yeah even the really low to the ground sporty ones yeah like um the really low to the ground ones yeah lamborgh lamborgh uh maserati

lamborghinos what about those cars that are um slingshots do you know i'm talking about they're technically considered a really good pussy you might call it a lamborghina anyway guys thank you for stopping by this was our episode thank you guys we love you i hope you love tuning in for this was our episode thank you guys thank you guys we love you i hope you love tuning in for this two minute episode tuning in for this two minute episode um we didn't even tell them what we're doing this episode we're just rambling which i love that is what we're doing for this episode yeah it's more of a show don't tell it's more of a show don't tell yeah we want to give you the vibe how about um someone stick around and see what the episode is. How about? Someone is in our doorway.

Oh, my God. I wonder who this could be. Come in. We have a visitor at the door. They've just rung the doorbell. Do we actually? Who is this? Oh, my God. What?

It's Jeffrey James. It's Jeffrey James. Welcome. Did you know this was happening? Jeff just walked into our apartment with an electric guitar. Looking like Bono. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Your eyes look like shit, dude. Hey. No. What? That's Mike. Is that fight? You're blind.

The LASIK did not work. Jeffrey James. Jeffrey James. Jeff. Can I stream this for you while you guys record? Yeah, Mike is asking an important question. Jeff, are you supposed to be driving after you get LASIK? Guys, Jeffrey James just walked into our house with a guitar that I bought from him.

You haven't paid him yet. I haven't paid him yet. He yet he's not hey I'm sorry to say this he's not gonna leave it here he's restringing it Jeff do I have to have an amp to play that nice nice nice nice nice no this is good this is but this is all going in so the episode this week you guys Jeff uh I did tell Jeff he could come over and surprise Shelby while we did this. He's not really part of the episode. He just is dropping the guitar off and I guess now restringing it on our living room floor. No, we don't have a guest this week.

That's actually, this is, that's the first time we've actually announced that we aren't having a guest this week. Yeah, we haven't announced to the listeners yet in this episode. We are not having a guest this week, you guys guys and there's a lot of reasons for that uh mostly scheduling mostly scheduling wait so your landlord destroyed your house right you can't use the back what i love is that we're talking to jeff but he has no microphone so it it really is going to be a situation where i don't know if the listeners are even hearing his question prompts they're just going to hear us sort of trying to respond to Jeff. Do what now?

So Jeff wants to know if our landlord destroyed our house. Our landlord did stop everything to build a doorway in Shelby's bedroom, which was insane. Yeah, that was awesome. Recently. So, so basically the concept of this episode is that Shelby's been traveling. I've been traveling. We've been apart. We thought, oh man, we could force in a guest. We could do something. We could try to get a hold of someone. We thought we just want to kick it. We want to kick it with Mike.

Jeff's involved now. Jeff's involved in the living room. Probably ruining the quality of the podcast. I think what I told Jeff was stop in and say hi. Now he's fully sitting down restringing the guitar. Which I think is powerful. I think what I would say is the best thing about jeff right now is not the string of the guitar which is a mostly quiet activity yeah but it's the loud laughter kind of yeah at random times not really when we drove over here after he i think he got lasik two

hours ago looks awful yeah well eyes look terrible outfits cute though jeff's a cute guy i mean he can work the he can work the plain T and jeans thing. You're not working what's going on with the eyes. I'll say that. Jeff actually has something that good-looking people can do that I – people who are good-looking in a different way than me, I cannot do. If I wear plain jeans, plain T-shirt out of the house, something that Jeff is currently pulling off,

a lot of people who are good- looking in a different way than me. I look like I am about to clean out someone's gutters, help move a couch. I wear that outfit a lot. Would you consider me a pull-off? You pull it off. I was going to say, we could really get into a dicey territory where I have to really remake myself. You pull it off. And I look like I am cosplaying as Kevin James in The King of Queens.

I cannot do it. But, really great show. I've never seen an episode. I think you have good style. Again, you're not going to hear it. Jeff said he thinks I have good style. I will repeat that one. That's not what he said.

What are you talking about? Shelby. That's not what he said. Jeff, what else did you want to say about me? Well, now Jeff is hitting on me in our living room. Shelby. Well, also, but out of curiosity, what...

No, no, no. I'll give you what we agreed to. Out of curiosity, out of curiosity, what graphic tee would you say that you have? Oh, I have the, I wear the Smashing Pumpkins one. I have the Smokey Bear one. I have, um... The Smashing Pumpkins one. I have the Smokey Bear one. I have... The Smashing Pumpkins is relatively new.

Okay. Right? Am I wrong? I'm not telling you. I'm asking. No, it's relatively new. I think of you more as a print guy. Okay.

Like the clouds, the flowers. Okay. I think of you as a cartoon lesbian. I think of you as a cartoon lesbian. I think of you as, yeah, the dyke sidekick. Do you know what was kind of weird? When I was growing up, my mom always called me Betty Boop, who's like kind of a centerfold cartoon. She's kind of like a sexy cartoon. And my mom was constantly-

She's canonically kind of a whore. Yeah. In a cool way. And my mom, there's two things my mom used to say to me when i was growing up she's a trollop she's a trollop i wonder if i can say this mom if you're listening sorry my mom tells me that when she lived in la she was a dancer genuinely she was like a professionally trained dancer yeah and she said that while she was like chasing that dream sure she worked at a place called the stardust lounge why not she was a stripper yeah exactly so i said

i said well were you a stripper she said no and i said tell me more about the stardust lounge she said she said i'm not kidding she said men would buy tickets when they went into the bar, a number of carnival tickets, and she would get paid to dance with the men with tickets. And then at the end of the day, cashed out with her boss. She was a carnival stripper. She was a stripper. She was a carny and a stripper. I said, mom, break this down for me.

Like when you left work, was there someone that maybe took you to your car? She said, yes. I said, mommy, we're that maybe took you to your car she said yes i said mommy we're a stripper yeah and she said no it wasn't like that given the facts i have at hand this is exactly like will ferrell explaining how he was a pimp and the other guys i've never seen you ever seen it he's like mark walberg's like you were a pimp and welfare was like no i had a stable of women who i facilitated dates for and they paid me and mark walberg's like yeah a pimp and welfare i was like no i had a stable of women who i facilitated dates for and they paid me and mark walberg was like yeah a pimp a pimp yeah so yeah my mom worked at the stardust lounge a strip i guess i don't know why i've never googled it your mom's hot i'd pay for

the show i'd pay for the show present day as a gift for what i just i'd pay for the show present day. As a gift for what I just kind of outed you on. I'd pay for the show present day. Yucky. Hey, who knows what I would have done back then? I'd pay for the show present day. Your mom's hot. No arguments here. Jill's hot. Okay. And we have a real chemistry.

Do you want to fuck my mom? No. You guys said you wanted to catch up. Would you not say that that's what we're doing? We're catching up on Caleb's feelings for my mom. Jeff, did you see me and Shelby in that music video yesterday? I saw everything that was posted on social media, but I haven't gone to YouTube to watch the whole thing.

Jeff is a bad friend.org.edu slash JPEG. Jeff just called us faggots, and the mic didn't pick it up, but he's absolutely over. Head come fire, this man. Jeff just called us faggots and the mic didn't pick it up, but he's absolutely over. Head gum fire this man. Jeff just called us faggots. Head gum fire this man. Jeff just called us fire this man. And I heard he does drugs and Jake and Amir shared Miata.

Fire this man. The company Miata. The company Miata. I haven't seen the company Miata around lately did we sell it well there's no there's just not enough parking spots there's not enough parking spots about the three parking spots at the parking spots at the new head gum office so they had to put the company miata in a um what's that parking app called where you what is it oh um they had to put it in this

like a mile away in chicago no free clap for the girlies no free clap for the girlies bleep that out bleep that out until the parking company plays that pays us mike basically guys this episode we are talking about some of the submissions some of you if you guys don't follow us on instagram and twitter you're cowards and weirdos and i will say this you don't like us that much yeah and you have a problem with gay people much like jeff james but i mean also if you listen to the pod you're pro cop because mike is a police officer so there's a lot of there's a lot of problems you have but hey we we put up shelby put up a little story that said tell us what's on your all-time records and what are you deleting and you guys wrote in and we're going

to talk about it did you guys know i don't know if this will be announced by the time the episode comes out what that we e got it oh we got it for the video yeah well that and that's my fourth time e gotting oh yeah the first one was for the first time was for that series of instagram stories where i pretended to be noah centennial i gotgot it for that. Then I egot it for a video that I sent to a guy on Snapchat that I can't talk about, but I did egot for that. You know that I egot it for my first nude, yeah?

You egot it for a still nude? Yeah. People don't talk about that enough. It was a live photo. I didn't know that. What was it? Close-up hole shot or tasteful full body? It was that what was it close-up hole shot or tasteful full body it was close-up hole but because it was a live photo it showed full body and that's why i think what what put me over the edge over the competition you this or that if you had to choose to send a nude right now would you do close-up hole or tasteful full body tasteful full body yeah incredible i don't like close-up hole picks of any variety i know that i said that

i sent a close-up hole but i never would and i i don't want to receive it either i don't want to see it i don't want to do it jeff you you sit in tasteful full body or you sit in close-up hole i usually do tasteful whole body but i've been doing something recently where it's kind of like what i don't know if you guys can hear he pointed in a way can you hear that are you picking is it picking that oh i guess you would get it right because the zoom audio jeff just said i usually do tasteful full body but lately i've been doing something where and then stopped and then he pointed to his urethra no i did not jeff that's worse than we can't engage with jeff that much because really people can't hear him and it will make

the episode bad yeah no you got to say that one thing and then be done it's like you you put the phone the phone down near your uh johnson for lack of a better term and then it looks like they're pov of someone blowing you and that sort of gets them excited that is pretty hot who are you sending that to who are you sending that to you know various there is no that's hot if a guy sent me that i'd be like hmm i guess i do want to i would get i Who are you sending that to? You know, various. Various! No, that's hot. If a guy sent me that, I'd be like, hmm, I guess I do want to. I would get, I mean, I'm definitely more inclined to give head if I got that angle than I am if I got a different angle.

I'm not sending any more nudes until these eyes get better. The eyes are bad. The eyes are not working. The eyes are not giving what they're supposed to give. I like a nude that's sort of at an angle where you can't tell where it is on the body first of all gross first of all i don't like nudes i think it's so much more sexy to see someone in like just like underwear or or even just a nice picture just a nice fully clothed picture yes that's so much hotter to me isn't that christian that's so christian caleb says

caleb says instead of a nude i often like a family photo that they send out on christmas caleb wants christmas cards from his crushes true i mean that is kind of the whole my whole thing um let's get into some of these user submissions yeah well no we gotta talk about the video we were shelby and i were in you guys got it if you take nothing else away from this episode go stream silk chiffon by moona feet phoebe bridgers it is an incredible song us being amazing in the video aside which is a huge part of all of it massive part of the song itself mike will agree it's so good because i'm up till dawn life's so fun it's hot it's good it makes you think life is fun and it so often isn't oh life can be a bit weird i also want to shout out ali ali panku director of the video. Absolute stunner. We love Allie. She did a great job in the video.

It really looks so good. We actually have to have her on the pod. We actually do. What the fuck? What are we doing? We have to have. We shouldn't do this episode. We should get Allie here.

We have to have Joe and Kelly and everybody else. Well, Josette in Moona is really afraid of space. Yeah, we have discussed this. Josette from Moona, scared of space. Yeah, we have discussed this. Josette from Muna, scared of space. Katie would love to do it, but Josette is maybe too scared of space to discuss what it might do. The point is that Shelby and I were in this video

and it's really hot and it's out now and you can stream it on YouTube and everyone on set tried to hook up with us. It was... We were at work. We were really like, is there hr department yes and there was not by the way no so that's the video and now we will get into some user submissions i would like to bring up one first okay go ahead now the prompt i'll remind you the prompt was word for word what's

on your all-time records what are you deleting kind of I will say, Shelby, you worded it in a way that might have confused. Well, but here's what this person said, and that's why I'm bringing it up. Puppy breath. And V controversial, but deleting the Beatles' music. Now, here's my problem with this. I love deleting the Beatles. We've talked about this. Mae Martin hates this, but I think the Beatles could go.

Puppy breath? Were they saying they want to? They beatles could go puppy breath were they saying they want to they're adding people puppy breath horrible horrible addition cannot agree puppy breath on the records people love puppy breath that is disgusting unacceptable uncool weird and bad i wish you guys saw caleb's mouth as he said disgusting. Disgusting. No, people don't think that. What do you think? You need to start taking sides. No. I don't think Puppy Breath smells good. That's fascinating to me. I don't think that this can be put on the records. I hate to do this to one of our fans, but that's one of the things I wanted to bring up. Puppy Breath versus the Beatles music. Now, we know the Beatles music can go, in my opinion. Something someone is deleting from the records

that feels so random to me yeah is white sunglasses wait they're adding or deleting deleting i agree i have never considered them good or bad or when i think of them i think oh those are ugly they remind me of oakley's i feel like there is a tasteful way to wear a white sunglass do you yeah can you describe what you think goes on there yeah i think there's like i'm thinking of a specific type of sunglass i think sometimes a white sunglass could be um almost nautical in vibe okay like i imagine someone who maybe has a sailboat would wear a white sunglass with their sweater on the boat gold accents on a white you know that there's a pair of bleep this out

that is white no free clout for the girlies we've said a million times folks so i'm fine with deleting it i'm not passionate i just am so i've never thought about it even once i think the more you see people in i just want to update everybody jeff has completely restrung the guitar and he's smiling proudly at us yeah he's playing yeah yeah of course you can okay he's just kind of insisting on handing it to me thank you thank you thank you do you hold on jeff do you i want you to if you had to on the spot give a beautiful um message to the aliens from humans what would you tell them uh love is love is love is love all right we'll see you later thank you thank you for the guitar man that was it was good to see you and forget the payment for what just happened cool yeah yeah i will all right we'll see you later thank you thank you for the guitar man that was it was good to see you and forget the payment for what just happened cool yeah yeah i will all right actually could

you pay me guys i have a guitar now jeff gave me a guitar do you know how to play no play one note i don't literally know how to i'm gonna learn guitar and everyone's gonna be so fucking into it And then I'm gonna get plastic surgery I don't know what kind They're separate thoughts So you guys Jeff is now just pacing around our apartment

Talking to himself Love you, Jeff. Love you the rest of the episode. He didn't say I love you back. He didn't say I love you back. He didn't say I love you back. Jeff, say you love us back. Love you, Jeff.

Okay. Thanks. Shelby, someone said to us, delete, laying in bed remembering a scene from a horror movie you saw months ago. Now, Shelby, that really speaks to you, and I know it does. Oh, the way that Shelby just felt seen by that guys girls everyone I hate scary movies not because of the way I feel when I watch them I actually enjoy the act of watching a scary movie. I find it thrilling. I like the

adrenaline rush. I enjoy it. I've learned I can't do it anymore. Why Shelby? Hey, why Shelby? Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. I still leap to my bed because when, when The Sixth Sense come out? In 1999, I saw The Sixth Sense as a child. No. And in that movie, there's a girl who's under the bed trying to solve her own murder. It's Misha Barton, a young Misha Barton. Mish, not Mish. And I haven't gotten over the feeling that she lives under my bed.

She's harmless. Things sit with me for the rest of my life are you mentally ill no no not at all not an ounce not a drop this brain is clean clean clean as a whistle yeah my childhood bedroom go off bitch go off bitch tell us about your childhood bedroom bitch my mom briefly designed bunk beds for a living okay yeah that tracks and so i had a bunk bed she had designed in my room that was a bed on top and below was like a life-size dollhouse of course that was the scariest place in the world yes that sounds horrible shouldn't exist there were so many dolls so many stuffed animals the place was full of them yeah the place the house so it's a freestanding single family home gorgeous amenities full and i'm not kidding every night one of them would fall off the bench or something and I was like

great well they're alive and I spent my entire childhood afraid of that like I would run past it when I would walk in my room there's a real commentary on that here you are a kid who has gorgeous bunk bed a full-size dollhouse all the toys you could wish for and yet still afraid still afraid isn't that hey folks what's that tell you what's that tell you fear knows no bounds and i would say there's a form of anxiety in that no i don't have mental illness no god damn it you're mentally ill no no no that's not mental i don't have that i would almost say the story you just said demonstrates some sort of depression that has probably carried through.

You are so confused about it. The story or your mental health? It's so funny for me. It's so funny in my head that my goal on this episode, everybody always has a goal in the scene. There's a dramaturgical view of the world. All the world's a stage. Everyone's always acting. Everyone always has an actor's want if they're doing good if my want for this podcast episode was to get shelby to admit that she's mentally ill that's pretty funny to me

shelby do you find that funny yeah shelby started looking deeply at her phone when i was in the middle of my my rant well he was trying to prove something about me and so i decided to go ahead and look at our responses okay sending hiccups see our listeners are not well speaking of mental illness sending puppy breath and hiccups this is what y'all sit around and think about hiccups i once read a news story that someone had hiccups for like 15 years I got part of my hypochondria, Mike, is that... Mike. Mike, part of my hypochondria, which is rampant and powerful, by the way, is the Grey's Anatomy episode.

And I know there are some listeners out there right now snapping their goddamn fingers. The Grey's Anatomy episode where the woman comes in with hiccups that she's had for too long and then she fucking dies from them. She dies from hiccups, Shelby and Mike. No, she can't. Nobody cared about that. That was a fascinating thing I said. Well, I don't want to know that because I get hiccups every time I eat bread.

You can die from that. I have hiccups every time I eat bread. Well, you got to stop eating bread, girl. But what do you think that's about, actually? If I had to guess, God punishing you for eating carbs? Christian God? I'm about to get so skinny. Christian God punishing you for eating carbs?

Christian God? If I had to guess, Jewish God would never do something like that. That's true. Challah? Challah? Challah? You know what I'm deleting white people holla back i actually was just watching a 9-11 documentary the other day series

docuseries and i think one thing that i would probably delete is um old white military men saying pretty much anything in Arabic saying like Arabic names saying like Middle Eastern city names like they like they would be like they would be like this individual here of course um you can see his photo he was a member of the Mujahideen and they butcher it so hard I'm like that feels I'm sorry it's giving it's giving racism something you don't want it to yeah it's it's it's not giving what it should give I don't like any that feels, I'm sorry, it's giving racism. It's giving something you don't want it to give. Yeah, it's not giving what it should give. I don't like any pun shirt. Can I delete that?

You're like, what? Pun shirts? I thought you said puncture. And I was like, that's fascinating. Pun shirt, a shirt with a pun. Yes. Puns upon a shirt. Yes.

Shirts bearing a pun. Yeah, like holla back and it has like a piece of holla. Yeah, that makes me very unhappy. I'm displeased with that. I'm greatly displeased with that. Mike, how many times have you bought a shirt with a pun on it? Yeah, right? You only wear an I love NYPD shirts.

Thin blue line's not a pun. It's a way of life. My friend in college we recalled for us once a story and i remember i've never i don't think i've ever laughed at something as hard as i laughed at this and i don't know if it was just the moment or what but he recalled for us pardon me he he he was going to perform his high school choir group was going to perform shelby on veterans day for a group of united states um military veterans united senators no for a group

of specifically veterans they were at like a veterans like hall performing like my country tis of thee or some shit whatever that song is they're performing like some patriotic songs for veterans day and he forgot they were doing it that day and happened to wear to school the only thing he had on him was a sweater that said thanks for nothing that's like the uh the melania trump i don't care why do you or whatever i don't care do, I don't care, why do you, or whatever. I don't care, do you? I don't really care, do you? Yeah. The jacket. I had a friend growing up who was older. Thank you. Only friend I've ever had. True.

She was older than me, and she was also, and still is, so much hotter than me. Okay? Me playing my new guitar. Okay, she's older and hotter and her mom had bought her this is a weird thing for a mom to buy their daughter by the way a three pack of pink terrible name for a tank top yeah but that is what they're called shelby you can't say that what else do you call them i mean keep it in mike i want to see if shelby gets in trouble but you can't say that are you supposed to call them i think just tank tops no but it's a specific i know what you're talking about it's just fine

bleep that but then i'll tell it now and people will understand what i'm talking about don't bleep it and they'll know what i said but we'll bleep it we'll leave it in a ribbed tank top yeah three pack pink that said your boyfriend wants me in comic sans on it yeah amazing she gave me one why not i brought it home my mom was live it she was like you can't wear this your mom is correct i know but i didn't really understand what it meant yeah like i was just kind of like this is a tank top that was a gift for my hot cool friend i gotta say too i gotta say and this sucks i hate that i'm saying this this makes me sick to my fucking stomach i would rather die than say this right now you're about to criticize my mom not at

all i would never criticize jill you know that not on the pod if i had a criticism i'd save it for when we were done recording i gotta say when i was 13 14 that that age of like you know like pre-teen area if i wanted to wear something like that or one of my girlfriends wanted to wear something like that and our parents were like no fuck no i would be like so livid i would have been i was the type of kid that would have been like this is stupid you're being such a bitch well i just remember being like why right and now but now the reason i hate saying that is because now i feel like i've gotten old enough to be like yeah a fucking 12 year old should not be wearing a shirt that says that yeah it doesn't make any

sense and also like who am i talking right what is the point it's gross it's antagonistic it's weird something else i wore growing up a lot was those zip off pants from limited too god that sucks but i used to do it in the winter a lot sure and i would zip them off as soon as i got on the bus because i thought it was cool to wear shorts in winter yeah okay that people would be like okay badass okay and my mom kept being like don't do that yeah and every single time i did it i lost one pant so i would come home and be like i didn't take them off and my mom was like where's the pant well where's the pant leg right this is a short with a pant side yeah she's correct made no sense she really had her hands full with me

yeah i wouldn't have done it if i if i was supposed to be raising you, I would have said, ciao, Bella. Ciao, Bella. Ciao, Bella. I want to say this. Somebody wrote in something that speaks to me deeply, which is- Wait. What? Save it for after the break. Oh, good point. My dentist just texted me, appointment available.

They want me to come in. Let's go to break. I got to handle this. Welcome, Mark. Mark. This dog's dying. We do a really realistic scene of a dog's dying. We do a really realistic scene of a dog passing away.

I gotta put you down, daddy says. It's what's gonna happen. Somebody added something really important to the list. Well, rather deleted it from the records which is this individual said deleting any type of low calorie ice cream folks i love to see it stop fucking kidding yourselves it is not comparable here's what I will say. It can be good as its own thing. You can like it.

Folks, it's not comparable. It's not comparable. It's not comparable, folks. It's not comparable, folks. What's the deal with our color in ice cream? It's not comparable, folks. They're calling it ice cream. It doesn't have any sugar.

What do you think of ice cream? It's got to go. You got to delete it because people refuse to call it what it is and i even i'm even pretty generous shelby you know me i'm a fair person yes you say this about me often i do behind your back behind my back never to my face you refuse to compliment me i'll even do a vegan ice cream sometimes if i'm at like a cafe that has like pick me up or something because it can be comparable okay low calorie it's the calories that make the difference i need the calories in there okay you don't agree i do i'd also don't like but what i don't but so here's why i was hesitant because i do agree with you i do agree with you but i'm ultimately at a place where i don't like when they instead will say frozen dessert

that also speak on that there's something about it that i'm like what do you mean speak on that yeah speak on that why are we calling it like yes like call it froyo yeah frozen yogurt sure yes or yes, so like when it's an ice cream that's maybe not legally allowed to be called ice cream. Sure. Like a non-dairy ice cream. Like, and of course bleep this because no free coffee for the girlies. But yeah.

Right. I'm like, like, I don't want to have to jump around what it is. Right. This is ultimately. Yes. Maybe it's not ice cream it's like it's the it's yes it's the um hyperbolic cream and some of these brands think that they're doing something by getting cutesy with it and i don't like it right they're like they're like

they're like okay i guess we're not ice cream then winky emoji and i'm like i'm gonna kill you i like the best pint of not ice cream you'll ever have. It's like, shut the fuck up. I don't really like this new thing where brands are in on the joke. I hate it. Where they're catty and subversive. I don't know how many of our listeners are copywriters, but babes, listen. But y'all are doing the devil's work. Y'all are speaking for the devil.

Y'all are working for the devil. Y'all want to go to heaven, but I got to tell you to go to hell. Y'all got to be in heaven. I'm already in hell're gonna i'm already in hell i'll tell you this much you're gonna be in the same place when you die that my ex-wife is going and babe it ain't heaven it's not cold up down there i'll tell you that much up there it's not cold down there i'll tell you it's hot hot hot bring your bathing suit you better bring your bikini because you're going to be sweating bullets down there. I want to say...

Sweating bullets down there. That's what I do in the bedroom. I'm pretty good at that, actually. Wait, I want to say something. Permission to speak freely? Permission granted. Danke. It says a lot

about our listeners. And look, you know me. I love our listeners. I fuck with these little freaks. Pause up. I fuck with our little freaks. Okay, you guys heard it first. If you've gotten this far, leave us a review that says, I love that they fuck with these little freaks.

Wait, I think we also might've found the official nickname of keeping records fans. Y'all are little freaks. L-I-L-F-R-E-K-S. These are our little freaks. Look, I fuck with these little freaks. These little monsters. No, we can't call them little monsters. We're not Lady Gaga.

Yeah, I don't mean it in her way, though. I mean it like these demented little fools. You can't say demented. I fuck with our fans. But here's what I'll say. They submitted so many more delete it's than they did additions that's called that's called mental illness that hey and that's on mental illness does anyone know what kid nation 2007 is sounds like a youth group conference but i can't prove it

that's something that's being added to the record so i'm gonna go ahead and take a little looky-loo ever heard of a looky-loo oh it's a american reality show the same person who said they were the same person who said they were going to send hiccups by the way said they want to send a mirror and their reason is because it will fuck them up okay you're back all right this person's an icon that's really funny sending them a mirror would if they've never seen themselves this person's really funny i like this listener this little freak speaks to me message them get them on the pod i mean we give them a whole episode that'd be kind of funny oh my god shelby yes this person this this other the different person this person is adding the where are you part for my miss you by blink 182

where are you i'm so sorry i cannot speak i cannot breathe these are little freaks yeah these are little freaks i love this okay nikki minaj is on correct i've actually thought about this that's someone's submission is nikki minaj is on deleting breakups deleting breakups sure but well no no no you can grow so much from them i was gonna say there's a lot of growth there's a lot of lessons you learn as much from breakups as you do from relationships if you're doing it right more even sometimes do not be shelby do not be scared our listeners need to know this do not be scared. Our listeners need to know this. Do not be scared to fail in life. Should we make this into sort of like a Joel Osteen type?

Let me tell you this. You can fail. God, if he closes one door, brothers and sisters, it's because he's opening a window. When I think about the best times of my life. When I look back and I think about the best times of my life. When I look back and I think about the best times of my life. Say that, sister. They are the times that I was at my absolute lowest. Because that is when I was learning.

That is when I was growing. I could tell y'all this much. A lot of people look at my life and they say, that's a guy who's had a lot of highs. Well, brother, I got news for you. I've had an awful lot of lows. Yeah, it makes the highs feel higher. If you've never been low, you don't know how high high is. And guess what?

The sunshine don't feel quite as hot when there hadn't been a little bit of rain. And ain't that the truth? Ain't that the truth? You need valleys to have a peak. You need valleys to have a peak. You need yin to have a peak. You need valleys to have a peak. You need yin to have a yang. You need darkness to have light. You need hot to have cold.

You can't see light without a little bit of dark. You can't have flowers without rain. You can't stop the waves. You can learn how to serve. Hey, what we're trying to tell you here is do not be scared to fail. You gotta fail to fail. You gotta fail to succeed. Henry Ford went bankrupt multiple times before he invented the modern assembly line that we still use a version of today. Oprah Winfrey was old when she got successful.

Walt Disney was fired from his first newspaper job because they said he lacked creativity. And he grew up to be an incredible anti-Semite. And he grew up, by the way, to be an absolute Nazi. Folks, Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team. I cannot stress this enough. None of these people have

anything without losing everything. You cannot be... The light bulb was invented from a lightning bolt. The light bulb was invented from, what did you say? From a lightning bolt. From a lightning bolt. A terrible time. If I was struck by lightning, it would have been the worst day of my life.

But if I had invented electricity... All of these people ended up being perfect human beings with no flaws. Ellen DeGeneres, flawed, gay. Flawed? Now I really mean. Gay. Now there's a statement in there. Flawed and gay.

Flawed and gay. You don't see it often, folks. But when you do. It's Ellen DeGeneres. Folks. Nicki Minaj being on is correct. I want Nicki Minaj

to write a verse for the aliens. Sure he did. What's it called? It's on Monster. Yeah. Roll up in the Monster automobile gangsta.

With a bad bitch that came from Sri Lanka. Yeah, I'm in that dark color of Willy Wonka. You could be the king but watch the queen conker. Okay, first things first, I'll eat your brains.

Then I'm gonna start rocking gold teeth and chains. Cause that's what a monster do. How to dress up from Milan, that's what monster do. And I'm on the

in the bank with a money base. And if it's bank, I ain't not just cause of my money. when i let me get this straight wait i'm the rookie well my features in my show is 10 times your pay 50k for a verse no album out yeah my money's so tall that my barbie's gonna climb it middle eastern climate one track mind it nikki flawed and gay to be bi, but now she's just hetero.

But that's the flaw. That is one of her best lines. I think Nicki Minaj is one of the funniest people on earth. Nicki Minaj is a comedian. Nicki Minaj is a comedian. When she said, had to cancel DJ Khaled, ain't no fat dude telling me what he ain't eating. Please. Please.

Come on. Do not start with me. Nicki Minaj is the funniest comedian performing today. There's no one better. Most comedians couldn't hold a candle to Nicki Minaj. If she decided to get into standup, it's over. Over, I quit. Bigger than Monique, and Monique was it.

Still is, and you know. She's doing a lot of weird shit lately. Oh, is she? I didn't know that. Yeah, she's just like the bonnet discourse, which is, of course, I have no place in at all, but just, she's doing a lot of weird shit lately. All right, didn't know that yeah she's just like the bonnet discourse which is of course i have no place in at all but just she's doing a lot of weird shit lately all right hey she's being a little strange she's also she's also saying some shit about fat people since she lost weight we're deleting we're deleting modern day monique and keeping we're deleting

a lot of the the ways that formerly badass comedians start to behave when they're old and rich roseanne monique, etc. Ellen. Oh, God, this is all women. That's because the men were bad the whole time. Seinfeld. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Louis was weird. He did weird.

Seinfeld was dating a lot of guys. He was bad. One of the funniest memes of all time is when someone puts that picture of Seinfeld's girlfriend up 1738 that's pretty funny yeah

well speaking of Nicky and funny memes that use a song though with images the best meme election the best meme from the election

do you know that they deleted it no tried to find it couldn't and then I found the link to it deleted the best meme from the election was but I couldn't and then i found the link to it deleted the best mean from the election was but i couldn't do it all alone we wait clap for the heavyweight champ me and then

pops a picture of michigan turning blue during the election but i couldn't do it all alone we pops up wisconsin turning blue in the election pretty funny pretty funny um and joe biden what's he doing is he good at um what's he doing a good job as president joe biden is he doing a good job as president what do you think i don't feel like it yeah so well here's the thing is that he had kind of a layup right anything me not it is anything is you know speak on that speak on that i don't want to anymore cool so this person is adding or they're deleting excuse me this person is deleting the idea of a two-day weekend yes correct you have because you have to assume you have to specify in that we're not implementing a one day we want more you have to implement you we want prenup we want prenup yeah it's something that you need to have we want more we're not sampling kanye on

this album i mean speaking never mind i don't even want to get into that people that got weird yeah i just don't even want to do it with him anymore i can't do it with him anymore i will say this though i will say this. A friend of mine who I dearly love had a take recently on the Kanye stuff that was like centering it entirely on the fact that he was like hanging out with the baby and Marilyn Manson was like, Oh, I guess we're going to cancel everyone else who hangs out with problematic people. And it was like, Nope, not at all. Actually, my problem with Kanye is certainly that he tried to run for president and screamed

on national news about abortion being murdered. Yeah. That kind of stuff is actually sort of where I'm coming from. And to boil it down, to like reduce it to him hanging out with problematic people is actually like, you're being intentionally obtuse. You're being intentionally obtuse. And we

can't just excuse everything he does because of mental illness, actually. And I say that in a room with someone who's extremely mentally ill. We can excuse it as mental illness when it's in his private life. Sure, go nuts you read about your wife and her mom do whatever you want but having such a big platform and then trying to become president well well baby boy it's it's it's it's giving it's giving no thank you scary it's given no thank you mate it's given scary for me it really is giving scary um and speaking of scary, I get the Sunday scaries.

The two-day weekend doesn't work. Statistically, it doesn't. They've done research on this. It's more productive to have, look, four-day work week, three-day weekend. We're not even asking for more weekend than work. We're asking for closer to even. I'll still work. I'll work.

Give me a four-day week. Yes. Three-day weekend. Summer Fridays still, though though where you get to leave early on fridays yeah no mondays we need to read we need to we need a massive overhaul and reform of mondays can you believe how crazy it would be if people couldn't make like monday jokes anymore though uh it would just be tuesday jokes but don't you feel like people are like you know what i actually think would happen i was gonna say people would be really weird about garfield garfield would be fucked people you know the people who get mad

about like um what got sort of hashtag canceled recently that was like an old like very popular piece of media i can't think of it uh this individual garfield was canceled because he was spotted at an alt-right rally garfield was canceled for associating with the proud boys i forgot because he and then he he hates mondays and some other part of the insurrection garfield it came out that he hates mondays and some other stuff garfield was at the insurrection garfield we don't know where he was on january 6th until recently and then then we found out. Because he was one of those people. He was one of those cats that was identified at the rally.

Yeah, Garfield was climbing the Capitol on January 6th. We first really prioritized identifying people. Which is crazy because he's canonically lazy. Yeah. But he was taking pictures at Nancy Pelosi's desk. Yeah. Fuck. He shit under there.

Yeah. Well, it's from all the lasagna it backs you up and then when you're not backed up anymore and a cat shouldn't be having lasagna can we talk about that no oh no head gum has actually been pretty specific there's only actually a couple things we can't talk about one of them is the company miata which we constantly bring up yeah and the other is cats and what they're supposed to eat and not supposed to eat so kids nation is a yes an american reality television show hosted by jonathan karsh that was on cbs none of this is anything i've ever heard of it they cook their own meals haul their own water it's oh

it's for 40 kids wait this actually sounds incredible we're gonna have to watch this it's 40 kids ages 8 to 15 spend 40 days without parents in bonanza city new mexico a ghost town where they try to create a community they cook their own meals haul their own water clean their own outhouses and even run businesses they just create a little town that's pretty cool we did that for like one day at my school you got to be like a banker work at a grocery store or something could have been a powerful lesson in income inequality but they chose not to do anything like that yeah this person has a pretty iconic on and off duo this person submitted on the records the film

master of disguise famously featuring dana carvey correct they said off the record the toilet won't flush when you're at someone else's house that is a duo to me it's pretty fun i also love master of disguise because for um a while in i don't know uh elementary or middle school whenever that came out um i just remember me and my friends having a pretty good time saying am i not turtley enough for the turtle club? Turtle, turtle. That's the only... Ask me anything else about that movie, couldn't tell you.

It's the whole movie. Except for the part where he plays brownface. Dana Carvey does brownface in Master of Disguise. And this person is putting it on the records. So that's actually... Everything is flawed and nothing ages well, folks. Well, that actually brings us to something that's on everything is flawed and nothing ages well folks well that actually brings us to something that's on the records for someone it was um deleting where is it i saw it just a moment ago while you're looking i'll quickly interject that this person proposes

that we delete when people talk about a runner's high absolutely Abso-fucking-lutely. Thank you. Fuck a runner's high. It's not real. Fuck a runner's high. You're lying to me. It's a conspiracy. It's literally a conspiracy. Delete when your fave things age badly.

I wish I still enjoyed Ace Ventura. I gotta say, people don't like when I say things like this. It makes me seem like I'm trying to... I never liked Ace Ventura. I never liked Sponge ventura i never liked spongebob the those like those like basically anything that the like hyper kid who drank a lot of chocolate milk liked yeah you i didn't like me stuff i genuinely didn't like as a kid and i feel like when i say that

people are like oh okay so and i'm like no i'm genuinely this is my truth. I was watching dramas with leading women. I was watching Law and Order SVU. That's not better. That's weird. But I'm saying I couldn't, Ace Ventura, when people were like, I was, well, go ahead. Sorry, you go ahead. No, please go ahead. I was just going to say, I was pretty famously only watching SpongeBob,

Coyote Ugly, and Blue Crush. Yeah, which, I mean, Jesus Christ. The Coyote Ugly and blue crush of it all is like the fact that i had to tell you to come out is so crazy the fact that my parents didn't just start telling me i was gay right i queer at least i really came in and had to do so much work this should have already been done someone should have been bullying you into being gay a long time before i came around yeah really was only watching kind of on a loop blue crush coyote ugly coyote ugly blue crush yeah and that can be so gay yeah and it is in spongebob

guys i want to be really clear with you if you are watching a lot of blue crushing coyote ugly it's time to come out of that dark little closet baby girl yeah so if you're 28 or if you're a kid who has a time machine and you're watching a lot of coyote ugly and blue crush baby i got news for you you're a lesbian come on come come on. You're a lesbian. That was from our movie, Coyote Ugly. Coyote Ugly 2, where we play Leanne Rimes together. You're a lesbian. Dyke, dyke, dyke, dyke. Someone's deleting adult minion culture.

I get to say dyke, right? I don't know. I don't either. I guess sound off if I'm in trouble for that. I say it lovingly. You know I love lesbians. Should we delete that part? No.

I want to know. Genuinely, am I in trouble for that? I think that everyone can say faggot. No, you don't. I do. No, you don't. You can say faggot. No.

You don't want to. Correct. Any queer person can say faggot. Okay. Say it. No. Someone's deleting adult minion culture a minion culture in general we got to save the children as well we can't just we can't just look out for the adults what whoever submitted this i hope you live in la if you don't live in la

what you need to know about los angeles is that there is a lot of billboards that feature the minions not look for the helpers not the helper minions there's the helper minions there's the minions that's what's the one that's like looks like we're both crying in our car today oh god i don't honestly can we talk also about look for the helpers culture look for the helpers has become such a big it just feels like a massive fuck you and i know that people will take solace in it but it's like and people say it after every bad thing now they're like you got to look for the helpers look for the people running towards the blood donation or whatever i'm talking about you're supposed it feels it feels a little bit like why isn't anyone looking for the girl on

the couch recording a podcast right why isn't anyone looking for the two average intelligence gay people sitting on one couch with a guitar between them recording a podcast about the colchie why aren't we running towards them why didn't anybody run towards that don't run at me actually it would be really scary get out vibes yeah it's uh actually hey this actually brings me to my next point never run directly at me it will scare me very much actually if you could just don't be around me as much as possible avoid it yeah if you can avoid unless i'm at a show and then please be paying a ticket fee yeah please pay to come to the shows what is a live show one day do what sound off guys should we do a live keeping records? Yeah.

We will eventually, I feel. Okay. Remember we talked about it? We talked about trying to do one when we... Yeah. I mean, we can't really get into... We talked about trying to do one and it didn't end up working out. Mike, there's some stuff for you to delete on this one, huh?

No. Everything should stay in. This has been a really good episode It's raw and unfiltered we're hitting it raw Caleb and Shelby hit it raw from behind That should be the episode title Caleb and Shelby Caleb and Shelby hit it raw from behind

That's fun Not sexual in a way not the sexual way Shelby You're being really really really gross How? Kidding Cause I said that we should title the episode caleb and shelby hit it raw from behind yeah okay shelby what are things that are on um now eventually we should say also to the listeners shelby will have her own golden record

on this podcast eventually caleb will have his own golden record on this mike will have his own golden record on this podcast eventually that is not what i'm talking about what i'm asking you right now is are there is there anything recently that's maybe not on your all-time golden record but just on your of late golden record or or things you would delete lately getting on a plane the seat next to you is empty boy oh boy isn't that special and there's the here's the part of that that's really important to include. Are you still flying economy? Actually, I was economy plus this go around.

Wow. So you didn't need it to be empty because you had a little bit of room. I had a little bit, but they actually keep it the same width. They just lengthened the depth. Oh, disgusting. You needed it. You needed it, yeah. Here's the thing.

This is important for when it gets added to the record. It needs to be the time leading up to that. Yeah. Where you're watching everyone come on. Yeah. And starting to feel like, okay, we're trickling in now.

We're, we're running low. Are you being passive in those, in those moments? Are you, are you doing anything to make them not want to sit by you bag in the chair? I was on. Okay.

So let's take it. Both of those, both of those, both of those, both of those. No freak out for the girlies. No freak out for the girlies. No freak out for the girlies. No freak clout for the girlies.

But it, so on Southwest, I have like sometimes, I'll like be settling in and have something on the seat next to me so it's like a little bit inconvenient. Yeah. But I get too shy

to actually like actively block out space. But in this, in this, I think what I want to send up is the time when you're scheduled to see you have a seat. Yeah. And it's,

so it is out of your control. Yeah. It's just, I want this to be destiny. Yeah. And then you are, you know, people are walking on every person that passes you,

you get a little bit, you know, more nervous that they're also a little bit more excited because they're walking past. Yes. There's like an energy to it. There, you feel really alive. One person stops just behind you and starts putting stuff above and you're like was there just no space right by me or in my seat part or like

this past time someone put their bags fully in the seat next to me so that they could lift their bag up to the thing and then took their bags and left wow that was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life wow and then so to do all of that, and then they go, the doors are closed. Wow. And there's no one next to you. That's God. That's God. Now, you don't think God appears in everyday life.

You might think God only deals with the big things. He deals with the small things, too. What if I told you God's in your coffee? What if I told you God is listening to this podcast with you right now on one of your earbuds? What if I told you that God's in a friendly smile from a stranger? What if I told you that God is on the escalator? What if I told you that God is one of us? God is one of us.

Just a fool like one of us. What if God was homosexual and you saw him on Grindr? Would you swipe right or left? I would swipe left. You don't swipe on Grindr, babe. Please. Please try to understand this.

No problem at all. No problem. No problem. No problem. Anyway, that's on my records. Big time. Big time. Something else that's on my records big time big time something else that's on my records this is sort of all time but i think about it every day and i'm thinking about it right now is getting in a revolving door speak on that someone else is getting in going the other direction speak on that and there's a moment where you lock eyes you connect right and you move forward at the same time so that it just just. And it's Power Rangers Unite.

You're just. You're together in this moment. You never talk to them. You never know them. You never even. You never even next to them. Yeah. But there's a moment of.

We are doing this. Like. Pretty much. There's one of those check ins. That's kind of like. Are you ready? Do you know what I mean? Pretty much girl.

It's a split second. You just wait. And now it's a dance. That is. It's choreography. That's actually like. Horny to me. Yeah. I would come. That is. It's choreography. That's actually like horny to me. Yeah.

I would come. Yeah. If they were hot. Fuck me up. Yeah. Right. So what's on your records lately today? Definitely the lengthy 9-11 docuseries I just watched.

It is extremely informative. It kind of goes through how we got there, how it happened, the aftermath thereof. I then followed it up with a new feature on Netflix about 9-11 starring Michael Keaton. So they're gearing up for the holiday season. One thing that happened in the 9-11 documentary is an FBI agent said,

and of course one of the reasons that 9-11 happened is that the FBI and the CIA don't communicate because of bureaucratic ego, said that the flight instructor for one of the guys who carried out 9-11 made a note about the student that he continued to say to the instructor, I don't care about landing it. I just want to know how to fly it. That to me is one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my entire life. That the flight instructor was like, huh, that is a little weird that he doesn't care about landing the plane is the whole thing. That's the entire part of flying it.

Everyone that's ever flown a plane is like mostly flies itself once you're up there. Just it's up and down. He didn't care about landing landing it and then he went on to do 9-11 pretty funny and then um there were a million other things too at one point during the war in afghanistan um the united states government let um the afghanistan army that we had been helping them build um pick their uniforms pick brand new uniforms that we were going to pay for. And they picked, they just picked a color that they liked because they thought it was cool

looking, didn't match the background or terrain at all. So the camouflage didn't work. And it also, they picked a fabric that we didn't have the rights to. So it costs like three times what a normal uniform costs. This is the kind of shit that we spent billions of dollars over there doing that made no sense. Well, instead of like giving people no sense made them feel fly medication

for diabetes um so that's been on my records that documentary is very informative okay and deleting deleting deleting deleting what would i delete lately i think i would delete not flying business or first class gotta say and the podcast listeners have been changed. The podcast listeners have been bringing this up to me online. Once you do it a couple times, it really, and I don't think that I'm part of the problem. I think the people who fly private are the problem.

I think that people who fly business in first are as much a part of the revolution as anybody in economy no i think once you do it a couple times you can't help but spend the extra money on it something i want to delete right now is the headline how fans predicted kylie jenner's pregnancy months ago using her nail polish sickening i don't want the aliens to know that i don't want the aliens to know about celebrity culture in general i don't want the aliens to know that i don't want the aliens to know about celebrity culture in general i don't want the aliens to know that there are people who look at kylie jenner's instagram or any celebrity yes but specifically i think the kardashian family

yeah who are famous for nothing famous for nothing right that's fine happy for them kim might be like trying to do better with her platform now but she ultimately became famous for a sex tape she's trying to be a human rights lawyer without going to law school love that for her incredible journey love that for her go nuts um i love the sex tape for her i love the sex tape for her it's good sex have you seen it i tried so hard to find it once couldn't oh i found it it's pretty good ray j's hot she has i don't find kanye hot but up until until Kanye Reggie Bush hot pretty great taste yeah Reggie Bush hot she's been really good

she's been good with men Ray J less hot when he put out I hit it first about her it's like dude come on come on baby

you're hot you don't need to behave this way I want to delete Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker song is good though the song I hit it first is good you don't like Kourtney and Travis

I don't like how many pictures they're posting together where they look like they're on the they're about to bang i hate that i know about all this i hate that i know courtney and travis are together i hate that i call them courtney and travis well they keep posting pictures then people share it and then i go okay i guess okay yeah i don't know i want i want to delete zoe kravitz and channing tatum they're together yes wow they keep gallivanting around los angeles she's too hot for him channing Tatum. They're together. Yes. Wow. They keep gallivanting around Los Angeles. She's too hot for him.

Channing Tatum, incredible rise to hotness, incredible fall. Yeah. Yeah. Incredible fall from hotness. I mean, he was it for a minute. Yes.

And then when you look back on it, you go, how did we ever do it? Why did that happen? Yeah, because it really is, you look back and you go, it was there the whole time,

wasn't it? Channing Tatum is one of those people that has the exact celebrity faux hot thing that a lot of there's a charming yes he's charming there's a so there's there's two sides to this with celebrities say the first one the first side of this is someone who is normal people hot 100 doesn't read as hot because they're famous thank you i'm glad you said that there's also the other side of that. Would you say that part for me? Where there's someone that's normal people average,

but because they're famous, they're hot. No, they're hot. What's going on there? And I don't know how both things can be true. It would seem that they would conflict with each other. Sure. They're both true. It happens a lot of the time.

Okay. So. I love that. It happens a lot of the time. Okay. So I think my celebrity crush type is average in real life hot because they're celebrity. Okay. Like an Adam Brody. What do you think mine is? Yours is young boy raised Republican has started to revolt. Don't say young boy.

That's not true. Okay. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Ask me my question again. People say, okay go ahead um what what do you think my type is your type is all-american boy

that is true raised republican has started to understand things for himself wow that's he loves growth folks he loves growth yeah i like all all American. I don't like boy. People sometimes, you know what I suffer from? Sometimes people think I'm older than I am. Like, not you. You obviously know my age and everything. I'm saying other people in the world will be like. I'll be like, oh, I'm 36.

I'll be talking to someone or I'll be like telling them, I'll be like, oh, yeah, I'm talking to this guy on this dating app or whatever. And they'll be like, oh, how old is he? And I'll be like, oh, he's 23. And they'll be like, Jesus. I be like oh yeah i'm talking to this guy on this dating app or whatever and they'll be like oh how old is he and i'll be like oh he's 23 and they'll be like jesus i'm like i'm 26 and people are like okay kind of kind of robbing the cradle a little bit yeah tough and i really in my heart of hearts am choosing to believe that it's because i'm mature i am choosing folks i am choosing to believe that it's because I have my life together And not because my face is giving

Age 40 Age My face can't be giving 40 I think my face has to be giving 27 6, 5 Ish 7

You want to look 7? 27 26, 25 Ish I thought you meant 7 the age 6 the age 5 the age I want to

Yeah I want to look 7 And I said That's not going to fly You the age, five the age. Yeah, I want to look seven. And I said, that's not going to fly. You're not going to get the kind of people you want to date. I need to look seven. If I don't look seven. You're not going to like the people that start hitting on you at that point. No. Is it really hot in our house right now?

Well, yeah. I turned off the air conditioning because of the sound of it. Okay. So I'm not crazy. No, you're not not it's because i turned that off because um we were recording the podcast in the living room yeah mike say you're proud of me nice we um shall we tell people where they can find you you've been an incredible guest girl hey you should actually follow us at keeping records on instagram and twitter

yeah keeping records pod on one of them let Twitter. Keeping Records pod on one of them? Let's keep it. Yeah, it's on one of them. Yeah, you guys, follow us on stuff. Please give us reviews. Tell us who you'd like to be guests on the show. We really like the reviews. We read every single review, by the way.

One of you did recently leave a review that I want to talk about quickly. It was that you showed your, it was professional mentor. Yes. And they called us immature. They said we're immature, it was professional mentor. Yes. And they called us immature. They said we're immature, but then the professional, this person said, basically, they reviewed the podcast and said, I played Keeping Records for my professional mentor. They said you guys were immature, but they could see how it would be enjoyable to somebody else. That was ultimately hurtful.

I don't think we're immature. I don't either. I think we're actually quite don't either i think we're actually quite poised do what except for when you called us talked about us raw dogging i said that caleb and shelby hit it raw from behind i did say that yeah i don't know a lot of immature people who could even in the moment come up with something so succinct yeah yeah what you professional mentor don't understand is that comedy actually is really sophisticated yeah it's if i come on here and say when a hot guy is nice to me but doesn't want to fuck me uh he should go to

guantanamo bay for a couple months that's mature that's mature and it's also intellectual like it's critical thinking it takes yeah there's prowess in that it takes knowing guantanamo bay first of all first of all and also it takes bravery to be willing to go there what bad shit happens there i shouldn't be saying that if i can be honest it also takes you know self-awareness yeah to know what you can say and can't say and and what people like you and don't like you and if they're hot and if they're not that's taste that's that's distinction that i mean you're able to distinguish things i think there's so much wrapped up in that that's so important and i think that that professional mentor what you are missing is that that is so true of us and that's that's the

kind of thing that's indicative of us and our intelligence and by the way we have a lot of metrics for this podcast because we're with head gum which is a massive corporation uh huge amazon sized and it comes with all the same kind of problems. Headcum gives us a lot of metrics. 88% of our listeners have PhDs in their respective fields. Every single, every single one that doesn't has their masters. Yes.

They have, I will say 100% of our listeners have a terminal degree in their field. Yeah. For some of them, that's a PhD for some of the masters. Yeah. And for some of the Majora's doctorate, everyone has a terminal degree in their field. Exactly. That listens so to call us immature i guess the point of all this is one of our listeners has a professional mentor who needs help they're mentally and we want to

offer that to them we'll pay for your therapy sometimes we're sponsored by i'll pay for your bleep no free clap for the girlies i'll pay for your therapy if you don't like this podcast i will pay for your therapy every single one but if you do like this podcast leave a review about it yeah if you don't like the podcast i'll pay for your therapy but you have to tune in every week and keep seeing if you like it and some of you will ask if you can do it twice we don't know we do not know we have no idea what's possible we don't know anything we don't even know why it helps us we just like reading them we love reading we read every single one hey leave a review send us some friends we're trying to um we're trying to spread the good word about the pod we really want this i think in shelby and i's mind this should be the most famous podcast in the world we want um stardom we want to

riches so popular in this podcast that we get COVID and people really talk about it. I want to take horse dewormer. Yeah, I want to take horse dewormer and talk about it on my pod. Fuck it. Complex for the podcast. I want to move to Austin, Texas and get weird. We're bleeping his name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No free cloud for the girlies, frankly. No free cloud for the girlies. Former TV host of competition show turned podcast host on Spotify. No free cloud for the girlies. That girlie's going to have to get his own for the girlies that girl is gonna have to get his own cloud he's gonna have to get his own spotify i'll have to help you with that babe we're not tuning in we're not that's not our job babe get the faggot off the tv i'm not watching that i do hope he gets well soon though babe yeah i want i want this podcast to um

launch us into a stratosphere of wealth and attention that honestly makes some of the things we say on here irresponsible yeah that's where i'm trying to get to i want to i want to make some joke like yeah if you're sick drink chlorine and i want it to be like news medias are like that was completely unacceptable that was really bad and really scary and people are now taking you at your word yeah dr fauci has to like address something i said on the podcast yeah during a segment called like fuck or kill you know what i don't know something you know something like that my mind just went into what's the grossest thing i could say that's not fuck or kill so oh as a segment

name i thought you just meant in general i was like juice well i was literally like i was like liquor suck like i was just thinking of different things pussy juice is real foul yeah not as a i mean i do think that what did you say last night to me you were sitting right there oh i think i said something about me being one of the foremost pussy eaters in the world not true i refuse to do it oh dj collard 100 when he said that i was on we the best when he said that i was on his side i was like absolutely king we don't keep that shit out of your mouth i was like keep that shit out of your mouth king seems bad to me but that's why i'm a homosexual okay so yeah you can find us at keeping records pot on both platforms

um i think we should do more episodes i think at platforms. I think we should do more episodes. I think at least twice a month we should do an episode where we have no guests and kind of ramble about eating pussy. Yeah, I guess what we need from you guys is to actually tell us if you like this. Oh yeah, genuinely do let us know. You can be honest. Don't do it in the reviews. God, if there's something you don't like,

don't do it in the reviews. We read our DMs. People go to the reviews. We read our DMs. They like the podcast. We read our DMs. People go to the reviews. We read our DMs. They like the podcast. We read our DMs. If you guys were to leave us a positive review, someone did this once where they were like five stars and then gave us kind of a goal.

Notes. And then it's like, okay, babe, the notes come to the DMs. The praise goes to the reviews. Yeah, the reviews are not a meritocracy. We all don't actually want you to go and give us three stars. Don't give us a measured review. Give us five stars. If you are an avid listener of this podcast, it should be no question five stars.

If you have notes, baby, message us. Think of your thoughts on this podcast as a compliment sandwich. The first compliment is a five-star review with just the things you like about it. The criticism meat is a DM to us that says whatever you want, get crazy, we don't care. And then the second compliment is when you go online and send it out to all your followers

and say, listen to this. Right, you send an email to your family. Yeah. With the link to the podcast. Send it to your family. Also, something I would like, just while we're talking to the fans, they should tweet to the account

more stuff that they hate hate love put on their records yes like someone our favorite thing i think we've said this on here before our favorite thing probably of all time is that someone towards the beginning of the podcast sent us a video of them sitting in a circle with a bunch of strangers they met in texas on a road trip and they were doing keeping records together like they were yeah they were building their records with a bunch of strangers which i thought if you're ever talking about the things or thinking about your records like please let us know we we like that yeah current events things you're thinking about whatever you want tell us if it's on the record if it's off the record yeah come through slide

if you aren't sure if you're like does this go on the record we'll make a definitive call well you know ask us ask us we try to keep up i am bad at looking at the accounts but shelby's way better shelby's constantly on the accounts but Shelby's way better Shelby's constantly on the accounts it's almost pathological oh he's lying to you guys now Caleb has chosen to lie and that's something that we also only smart people can lie

no 100% if you're not a good liar you're a fucking idiot only smart people can lie sorry babe uh we gotta go I gotta go to dinner. Oh, yeah. What's in this episode, Mike? Mike, we love you. We love you, Mike.

Wee-oo-wee-oo. That's how we say I love you to Mike. Mrs. Officer. We have to say I love you to Mike by going wee-oo-wee-oo. Wee-oo-wee-oo. And he does it back. Pull over the car. Yeah, Mike's white noise machine to go to bed is like

pulling someone over. Do you know why I pulled you over today? Just because I wanted to? You're absolutely correct. You're absolutely correct. Alright. Bye. Bye. Love you girls. Love you girls. That was a Hidgum Original.