Keeping Records - Chapstick Lesbian (with Grace Kuhlenschmidt)

Episode Date: April 30, 2021

Comedian Grace Kuhlenschmidt realizes that her Golden Record is only for her—and that's ok. The aliens will take what they can and leave the rest. But truly, how could they leave the cookies? And she made that cocktail for them, would the aliens dare refuse? They will love quirky, early 2000s pop music. And hopefully the documentary teaches them to not put humans in tiny cages when they conquer us. Grace's Golden Record Hoku and Mandy Moore (audio) Blackfish (audio-visual) Quadratinis (food) Laying in warm grass (multisensory experience) Being tomboy (multisensory experience) Beeresca—a homemade cocktail recipe (food) Original Voyager Artifact "X-Ray of Hand" (image) Follow Grace! Twitter Instagram Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, Shelby. Hey, Caleb. How the H-E-double-L are you? I'm good.

I have to tell you something that happened. Okay. So I went to the beach the other day with Lindsay. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got it listeners hey y'all are gonna love this this is one of the freakiest fucking things i've ever heard we went to san diego for a day trip and we went to blacks beach in san diego which is to our surprise a nude beach um we were good with that. No problem. You guys are progressive. Yeah. No problems there.

Yeah. And we're sitting down just sort of enjoying being at the beach and a guy comes, nudes up completely and sits down maybe a foot and a half away from us.

Tag yourself. I'm this guy. Tag yourself. I'm this guy. Sort of not like etiquette, but fine. This guy lays face down. And we're talking full naked dick balls i mean i could describe i could paint a picture of his body like nobody's seen okay you're paying

too much attention to him that's i had to because so he's laying on his stomach on On the sand. Hot. And he's, I notice he's clenching his butt pretty, pretty like in rhythm. Like he's doing, you know, three to five stopping. Three to five stopping. And then he stands up. And you notice that he is in fact hard. And he goes to the water, cools off, comes back, starts again. So what we derive from this is that this man was edging himself by fucking the sand. And then cooling off in the water so that he could keep himself from coming.

Lays back down. That works. That works. That works. Lays back down. Keeps going again. Keeps his rhythm. You know, he's got he's got

his process we all have to respect a process then he has maybe i don't know eight fast clenches and then he falls asleep so this man fucked the sand to completion came and fell asleep hey i love that i love that for the big man. Hey, that's how it is sometimes. And then he just sort of started pacing back and forth to the water when he woke back up. I always say, I always say, um, men have two tanks. You gotta keep, men have two tanks. Yeah, no. Okay.

You gotta keep one full and one empty. What are the two? What are they? Um, what'd you say? Are they the same? Are they full of the same thing? Is no men it's it's like a saying it's like men it's like you would typically say this to like a uh a woman who dates men like you say you got your man's got two tanks you gotta keep one full and the full one is his stomach you gotta keep him fed and then the one you want to keep empty is his cum sack you want to make sure he's always coming

is that something people actually say yeah it's a real it's a real thing people say i've never heard that yeah it's uh but you can credit it to me though okay should we bring in our guest yeah yeah i was actually gonna say the same thing i bought a baseball glove and a baseball today we're gonna play catch i also bought a baseball glove and a baseball today nice well i bought the baseballs i bought the baseballs i bought the baseballs okay you just bought your glove i bought a mitt i bought a mitt you guys our guest today is absolutely iconic um you know her from being a heterosexual christian influencer on tiktok and twitter just kidding she's a brilliant comedian. Please help us welcome Grace Kulichman. Hey, guys. Really good to be here.

Hi. Hey, Grace. I'm sorry to take you out of church for the last couple of hours. No, I'm actually kind of glad that you brought up edging like right at the start. Yeah. Yeah. You're a big edger. You're a big edger. No, I'm actually like, don't even have an interest in trying. When I want to come, I'm like, let's come. Let's come.

Edging is such an insane practice. I don't like edging. Grace, what I want you to know is the guy next to that guy, so on the other side of him, was a guy that I would set up with any friend. He was alone. Really hot? He was wearing, no. Oh, you wouldn't set him up with a hot guy? No, I would.

It's not that he's hot. It's that I have a real affection for this man. Okay. He was wearing like a work shirt, like a button up, but no pants. Hot, hot, hot. And he kept periodically like also taking off the shirt and like giving that a go. And then like putting the shirt back on. And it felt like

he was like like everyone at this beach that was naked all the men at the beach that were naked were there to prove a point except for this guy who was proving it to himself he was like i can be naked in public that's fine and i want him to get married soon are you both in la right now yeah what nude beach is in la what where was it san It's in San Diego. It's in San Diego. Oh, I see. That makes a lot more sense. Black speech in San Diego. Black speech in San Diego.

Yep. Grace, we've had a lot of really interesting career overlap recently. Someone emailed my managers and asked me if I would give a quote about you. Did you know this? No. What? A publication is doing a profile on you which i'm sure you do know i do know and they emailed my managers and were like will you say something

about grace like how you feel about grace wait that is so funny it's like i'm getting married or something and you're putting together i literally was like i was like grace is gay i'm gay we're we're i was like i was like absolutely not i have nothing nice to say so i can't say anything at all fucking way i can give a feeling i'm sick no i said that i wish i wish you nothing but the worst because we're in competition as gay people yeah we're always auditioning for the same roles and i sent in something yeah we're going out for the same stuff yeah shelby what did you say what did you say they didn't ask me i sent an email on my own okay that's good they didn't ask but i was like you guys are sort of fielding questions about her i want to get in on this you just post it to your story dude oh oh get that we can get that trending people everyone can kind of put a quote about me on their instagram let's have that

conversation let's have that come let's start conversation. We're not ready for that conversation. Where's that dialogue? Can we finally talk about that? Some of us have been talking about that. I don't know who needs to hear this. I don't know who needs to hear this. That is so cute and fun, though. Yeah, it was pretty cute and fun.

And then Friday, you and I are collabing on something else that's top secret. You guys can talk about this in a text. Do you know that? I'm feeling really left out. Why are you doing that? It sucks. Yeah, that's kind of funny. Because you love when your friends get to do fun stuff.

I didn't think you would be weird about it. Yeah, I want you guys to talk about it privately. I don't want to be publicized on the pod as girl who has nothing going on while her two friends do. Girl who's left out. Yeah, what the fuck? But you're not left out because, well well you're fucking caleb aren't you i'm trying to he won't let me yeah i wouldn't call it fucking um i am getting i am getting off but it's mostly like it's mostly like foot and mouth you're like we're both coming i don't

fucking know what it's very it's very robotic what we do but see we shouldn't be talking about that because that's about shelby and i so now grace see if we only talked about things that involved everyone what would we even talk about well this is a case for monogamy grace and i never fuck grace and i finally a case for monogamy oh my god finally someone's making the case for monogamy grace we've never hooked up have you and shelby ever hooked up no why not just wondering i don't hook up with comedians huge diss on mikaela huge diss oh yeah i only hook up with my girlfriend and she's not funny and she bores me to fucking death i only hook up with my girlfriend and my girlfriend isn't funny. It's funny because when we're one-on-one, like I actually, like she's never laughing. I'm the one who's laughing because like I'm not saying anything funny because I'm so comfortable around her that I'm just like, time for you to be silly.

Yeah. Let me turn it off. Why don't you do something goofy now? But she is funny. But, you know, yeah, no, she doesn't have a career in this. Yeah. It's not the being funny of dating a comedian it's certainly the pursuit of the career that's where it gets dicey well because it's embarrassing oh it's completely embarrassing yeah people are doctors

well i remember at one point you know when i was single for a fraction in time thinking well if i did hook up with a comedian it'd be awkward in my improv scene improv over everything baby you put the art above everything i cannot risk that i cannot have a weird show i have to be celibate i fuck i fuck and i'm very funny i fucked everyone in the chicago that's so true i fucked everyone in the chicago well some people would call what you and I do fucking Shelby And I tried to hook up with Grace But Grace said no because I wasn't making a lot of money at the time No she said no because you were a comedian

You're internalizing the money thing I mean because I told him the money thing Because he was like come on Fuck the comedian thing just fuck me already Oh Could you imagine Could you imagine me saying that ew i mean me coming to grace my good friend and being like fuck me already fuck please fuck me we were in public too we were like at the io bar and we were both like of all places we were at the boys

hammered as usual per usual what if we were at the Boys Town IHOP and I tried to fuck Grace? No, I would never. Why? Thanks. Because that's a sacred space. That's a sacred space. And plus, besides, we have a really... Shelby, you had something you wanted to ask Grace, I felt like.

Well, I just thought something all three of us could talk about is what Grace would put on her records. Okay. Okay. Okay. So, Grace. So, Grace, what would it grace so we have to ask you something yeah if you we were sending new records up to space today what's what are you putting on it and be honest you're right please don't lie to us it'd be so embarrassing thing well what's funny is now that we're kind of talking about it i'm realizing oh i wasn't

looking out for anyone but myself but good this is about you so all these things will be useful for no one else but me my first thing is um mandy moore and hoku i'm putting them right in that little rocket to space and you're putting them together i'm putting them together because it was a decade where they were just kind of you know I was about to be like they were kind of fucking me for every angle but you know I was 5 to 15 when I was listening to their music

Mandy Moore and Hoku were absolutely railing me when I was 6 what Mandy Moore song would you put on I mean it's candy it's 100% candy it's gotta be candy oh my god Grace just came quick I mean, it's candy. It's 100% candy. It's gotta be candy. Oh my god, Grace just came. Quick. Why is this episode so horny?

She really doesn't believe in edging. She came so quick. They should have put this in the movie with Diane Keaton. They should have put this in the law of movies. Where she tells her mom what an orgasm feels like. Yeah. Or where Mandy Moore describes an orgasm to Diane Keaton. While Diane Keaton's playing her mom. Oh, that movie is... Because I really am a big Mandy Moore girl.

It's like, because you said so. Because I said so. Yeah yeah she works as a caterer in that movie that kind of made me want to be a caterer at one point i love her being a caterer and that i think it's really fun and it's fun that she there's like a little thing with the souffle where like uh you know she makes a souffle for the guy and he doesn't yell at her when it whatever but are you guys talking about sex with your parents no uh no not actual sex no if my mom with whatever bronchitis or something wrote on a board what does an orgasm feel like i would say you can feed yourself for this week i'm outie i'm outie 5000 and ultimately my friends who are

having like like they're like oh i can say anything to my mom I'm like yeah and also like your mom was smoking weed when they probably shouldn't have been smoking weed in front of me that's actually so funny that I'm saying that because I'm like I'm now like whoa wait am I not going to be smoking weed in front of my kids I want to but like the people that I knew that did that it was a bad impression on their kids for sure yeah because yeah because at the time it was illegal and they were breaking the law but i don't but it's not because it was illegal you know what i mean it was because they were bad parents shelby's big into the law shelby's a big law and order person not the show the concept no the concept i think it's important okay but anyways candy by mandy

moore candy by mandy moore hot song makes me want to kiss music video was really important for me because she has a body type that no matter anything i could even do you know going the strictest it's like surgery there's not a single thing i could do to have that body type like physically surgery i'm not I don't I don't really buy into big boned girls but my bones are too big to fit into her body wait big boned I fully forgot about that I know me too but when I when pre-teens that was when people were like she's not big she's big boned that was my first moment of body positivity where i was like i'm big boned and then like i realized i'm fully not i'm just uh chubby grace how do you feel about body

positivity it's been on my mind a lot lately and i'll tell you why i've just noticed this trend where thin people are posting about like fat liberation more than i even think about being fat and i am a fat person and now I'm seeing all these people posting like the you know Jack Black this last week or two has gone viral for that School of Rock clip again and people so many people on my timeline at least are posting like oh my god why does why does no one ever talk about how sexy Jack Black is and I'm like okay but none of you guys have ever dated a fat person like right it's literally thin people being like oh my god Lizzo's so sexy, Jack Black's so sexy.

And I'm like, everyone you hang out with, everyone you date is thin. What is going on? Well, this is like not exactly what you're referring to, but like this past weekend, I had a conversation with my roommates about it because I was in a bodega with one of my roommates and the cashier guy was like,

you have a beautiful smile to my roommate who, by the way, is wearing a mask. But we left and I'm like, I'm like, my roommate is stunning. But that's not what he was noticing. He was noticing the fact that she is skinny and I'm fat. And that's why she has a beautiful smile. And I do not. I just was like, kind of like, I'm actually stunning. I wish you could see

my smile bitch i have a gorgeous smile under this mask correct but second of all to this far into mask masked life still not have a different compliment lined up then you have a nice smile we're all wearing masks all the time come on just have another one in your back pocket it's possible that in his brain he's like that's the best compliment i could give because it's not physical you know what i mean but it is physical also i feel like everyone on this episode of the pod uh really was hurt by mass culture more than other people because we all have like i will say for me personally, I have cute little dimples, gorgeous lips, and a cute little nose. Dude, my nose. You guys have cute little noses and cute little smiles, too.

We were really hurt by mask culture. Yeah, and famously, Caleb knows this. Grace, I don't know if you know this. I got my teeth right before I had to start wearing a mask. Shelby didn't have teeth until COVID. You finally got them. Your parents gave them to you. They were like, we want you to turn 18 first.

When I lost my teeth, my parents said the tooth fairy needs to hold on to your adult teeth for a few years. What do you mean you got your teeth? Like you got a surgery? Grace, I knocked my teeth out a couple years back and I had temporaries for a while. It's so crazy. teeth out a couple years back and i had temporaries for a while crazy because i've just always known you as having like really good teeth thank you so much and not that that means you couldn't have fake well they're fake you know they're fake grace well so the ones that you knew as my teeth

were temporaries to it's like if i ever compliment fake tits literally dude fucking punch me in the face because it's not real fuck that i want naturals i want big disgusting naturals i want big sloppy natties oh okay yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah no i didn't like it either go on you do your thing you do your thing no that was good i feel like we were finally getting to you caleb no we were actually we actually just got we got so much further away from me ever being straight with me saying that that made me so disgusting i was so gross i hated it when straight people say bit when especially straight guys say big naturals in general right the word natural is almost die there's almost no words that straight men are allowed to say that doesn't make me think i agree even when they say beautiful even when they say the word women i'm kind of like

take that word out of your mouth females i will have sex with straight men the they aren't allowed to say most words that is so funny they're not supposed to talk they're supposed to have sex see again that's something that you guys can talk about but i'm not included in right it does does and you were fine with it right you were being like supportive it was okay with it caleb don't do that i got one of the most uh important compliments of my life from shelby and i need to actually be i need to be kind to her i need to be humble in her presence so that she'll say it to me again sometime shelby told me that i have the kind of nose that people uh pay for to get a nose job you do yeah recently i, recently I was looking at TikTok and I saw a video of Noah Beck and I thought Caleb and Noah Beck kind of have a similar nose.

Dude, and coloring actually. Yeah, well, I thought Caleb and Noah Beck could be related. Hmm, writing a movie right now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, please, please, let's have that screenplay let's write that movie because we're not writing that net yeah yeah who's who's having that conversation every once in a while noah beck will do a pov or like an acting thing where he'll like lip sync to a script and then people will comment like you should be in movies and he's like thank you yes that's correct i'm

trying i'm trying i'd like to be i'd love to be and then he's doing like that like tinder youtube series the i do little dances on the internet to i think i should be a serious artist pipeline is something that is deeply troubling to me it's deeply troubling to me it really bums me out it bums me out these people that like have uh i don't know i just i've talked to some i've talked to some uh we'll say content creators who have never done like a live performance in their lives and are like yeah i'm thinking about going on tour and i'm like well that makes me uh really it makes me really uneasy i don't know if i like that and what do they do on tour well have a good time

they have fun and they sell tickets that's what they do yeah they make money okay wait grace yeah what hoku song are you putting on this is another dumb blonde okay this song was in snow day That I think it's time for you to find another dumb love Okay, this song was in Snow Day from 2000. Snow Day? It's called Snow Day. It was like a Disney kind of movie. Oh yeah, and they like throw snowballs at the...

I know what you're talking about. I mean, sure, they probably throw snowballs. It's called Snow Day. I know! I think there's a big scene in that movie where they throw snowballs at a principal or a trash driver. I think so.

I don't know this movie, but what I will say is this. Emmanuel Tricky is in it and she is hot, hot, hot. Okay. And Caleb, we have to accept that. Okay, and she is hot, hot, hot. Okay. Okay. She is...

And Caleb, we have to accept that. Okay, and we have to be okay with that. And we have to be okay with that. She's in... Do you guys know who she is? She's in Entourage, which is a show I didn't watch, but maybe you guys have seen it. I didn't watch that.

I know who she is because I know the movie, but that's it. I think she's also in the movie with NSYNC. Don't know that one. You have to. No, I don't. No, no, no. I'm saying no.

No, no, no more. I don't know it. Grace gets so mad. Grace throws a bottle at the wall. It breaks in the background. But anyways, Hoku was making soundtrack money because she also sang Perfect Day, which is in... Perfect Day. Nothing standing in my way okay wait grace i am gonna keep talking about grace hates that grace hates the n-sync movie okay because i have to for like a

second but it will connect to you just trust me on this i trust you emmanuel was in on the line the movie that had someone from on that i can't wait to see how this connects to grace on that album oh here it comes is mandy moore so she is the marriage between mandy moore it was all worth it and hoku through snow day and on the Line. It's like that Kevin Bacon game, but with people no one's ever heard of. It's with Lance Bass and Joey Patron.

Wait, it's the whole cast. Okay, I was going to say, it might as well be. Yeah, if you're going to get it, it'd be Lance Bass. Lance Bass got to kiss Emmanuel Cherky. He didn't want to, I'm sure. That's hilarious. Why? Why, Shelby?

Say why. What's that about, Shelby? Because he's gay, guys. Oh, my God. Gay? Can you remember? Do you guys remember that cultural moment where it was kind of big for people to say, I don't know, was it Ken Jeong?

Who was it that had that thing where he was like in the back of a classroom and he goes gay. And then guys were doing that a lot. Yeah. Remember that? Yeah. Big time. That was hot.

Oh, absolutely. That, that to me is the same as, Oh, Doyle rules. Oh, what was that Doyle rules from again? It was from, um, Oh, Adam Sandler. Uh, he goes back to school as a kindergartner. Okay. Yeah. What was Doyle Rules from again? It was from, oh, Adam Sandler. He goes back to school as a kindergartner. Okay. Billy Madison.

Billy Madison. Okay, okay. A quote from Hoku. Britney is straight ahead pop. Christina Aguilera is R&B influenced urban pop. Mandy Moore's got this sweet, soft little thing going on. My stuff is really kind of quirky. Some of the songs are about silly things. She has a song called The Burrito Song.

I was free when we met. You were eating a burrito with the girls. Which is so quirky. Burritos are actually one of the quirkier foods. Yeah, and I have a really fun thing about Hoku. Go on. Well, first of all, she's the daughter of Don Ho, who's a very famous hawaiian singer and he sings the song um tiny bubbles do you guys know that song yeah really fun song yeah

and anyways so she's kind of like hawaiian royalty in that sense um and she's now left hollywood and she is just kind of classic mom vibes. But at one point. Like Tila Tequila. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Exactly. Awesome Tila Tequila.

Tila has no problems. Exactly. Like Tila Tequila, who we love. And it's Dan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Hoku at one point, maybe like 10 years ago, had 80 followers on Instagram and followed 80 people. And she followed me for no reason at all. Hoku did? For a full year.

Swear to God. Did you follow her? Yeah, I followed. Like, that's why she followed me. I'm like literally a high schooler at this point. Like, she has no reason to follow me. You're not, she just followed anyone that followed her.

Yeah. She doesn't follow me anymore. What the fuck? She'd be so proud of me. She would be. Yeah. She should have stuck with you. She should have stuck with you.

I know. It's like really probably her biggest regret. You could have taken her along for this ride. What was, i want to say burritos are to the food world in terms of quirkiness what like like llamas are to the animal world like do you get like what was with the llama moment what was with the llama moment the llama moment was so specific you guys know it don't you know the llama moment of course of course it was like graphic no of course because burritos and

llamas were both on graphic tees yes but that's that's exactly what i'm trying to pinpoint is like it was like people would put like burritos pizza slices llamas and like birds in over like a galactic print and be like isn't this fucking random and i'm like yeah it is literally really random say like space burrito underneath right and it's like why did you put it there why is the burrito in space there was that and there was like a cat in sunglasses and the sunglasses were reflecting space was oh that pissed me off i hated the galaxy i hated galaxy cats laser cats and then and then the cat would be the cat would be like sitting on a pizza yeah that was great grace i

want to ask you what else would you put on your records okay the other thing i would put on my records is the documentary blackfish are you pro sea world or anti-sea world i'm anti-sea world okay as someone who is a consumer i've been to sea world so many times as a kid my girl scout troop would go to sea world and like sleep over at sea world in the fish tanks yeah for the record was the coolest fucking thing in the entire world right of course and so i like just love sea world my whole life saw the movie blackfish have now seen it not kidding 40 something times like it is just something i will just watch so is this is this like what's the message that you want them to receive with this?

Like humans are capable of like just such horrible shit in the name of entertainment? The message is just because you can put a whale in an airplane doesn't mean you should. Well, and I think this is actually a really good message to send to the aliens. Because it's like they might be able to put us in little tanks and control us that way. And if they see that we've taken mercy on, some of us have, have decided to take mercy on things we can control. Maybe they'll do the same with us.

Cause they could put us in little tanks and make us swim around. And that's what the movie or the documentary is like about too, is like literally these killer whales are so like fucked up and traumatized. They are plotting murders against humans. Like so, like, fucked up and traumatized. They are plotting murders against humans. Like, they, you can't, like, when you see the footage of, you know, a whale going under and then another whale absolutely sandwiching a human being and killing them, you're like, this is fucking planned. This is planned.

This is a heist. They, like, scribbled a little a little okay wait guys play by play we have to cut this from the podcast because people are gonna steal this idea but oceans nine instead of the girls this time or oceans eight was girls right the girlies oceans nine is the whales and we write that and it's called we have to cut it i think that's safe i think you'll be able no that's fun caleb no why don't you let me have any fun no it is fun i'm just saying i think it's safe i think that you will do the best with it and everyone's going to acknowledge that it's starring whales i'm sorry it's about whale heists oh that is the whales rob stuff thank you grace grace i was so nervous you were looking at me

like i was so stupid no i just was like are we animated are we animating whales and they're like kind of bank robbers that that's what i thought originally no we're doing oceans nine whale heist shelby is operating on this episode from from such a place of like of like fear when i just want to say i just want to say i love shelby i love grace i love the whale movie I just want to say that like there is no, there's nothing but love in my heart for everyone here today. Okay. Just leave some silence. Leave some silence for the audience to hear that and make their own opinion. And decide.

Honestly, guys, tell me if you think he sounded honest. About loving everyone on the pod today? Yeah. I'm unsure sure our listeners our listeners know my heart you know what i think we need to i think we have to take i think we have to take a break welcome back welcome oh no i'm trying to please you i'm trying to please you okay welcome back say it say welcome bark welcome bark there he is big dog in the house big dog in the house about to make some big moves you guys know what it is i love i love when people do like when people on like instagram specifically are like

talking vaguely about their accomplishments they're like they're like you know making big moves wait we're making waves things are happening i love when it's like nothing specific and it's like you know we're out here you've seen it before and it's like right but ultimately what are we celebrating you guys know what i'm talking about i love i love a lot of words that mean yeah but i can't wait to do something like that you should do it babe i really can't wait to just be like you guys i can't wait to tell you what is happening. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. But in reality, I have no idea what's happening.

Grace, you should start doing that now. And then just whenever something does happen, it's like, wow, she really did a rollout. We have to show you something. It's a picture. It's an image. And we just kind of want to get your overall thoughts on it. Any thoughts, feelings that you might have yeah grace what do you make of this woman putting her hand up in front of an x-ray of presumably also her hand

honestly nothing this is the kind of image that for me i'm like i don't need to know smooth brain grace said smooth brain reaction i have nothing for this i guess that's her hand. She was the first woman to x-ray. Am I wrong? Yeah, you are, but in a fun way. Okay. One of the images included on the original records is called X-Ray of Hand, and it's credited to the National Astronomy and Ionosphere Center at Cornell University. The image portrays two x-rays of a hand and a woman fearfully holding her own hand up to those x-rays. If the woman in the picture were to have a biopic made about her life,

she would be played by Molly Matlin. I don't know who Molly Matlin is. X-Ray stands for X-Radiation. It's a penetrating form of high energy electromagnetic radiation. The surprise is that the word that is shortened

in X-Ray is not X, but rather Ray. X-Radiation technology was discovered by a German scientist named Wilhelm Conrad Röntgen. He discovered it on November 8th of 1895, which is interesting because I would have guessed that X-ray technology wasn't discovered until at least 1950. The woman in the image has such pronounced tendons, you almost wouldn't need an x-ray to see what's going on with her hand.

It's extremely hard to tell from the photo what length this woman's hair is. It could end just at the top of her neck, or it could go all the way down to her feet. You really can't tell if it's sort of braided behind her or not. And in that way, we cannot decipher her sexual orientation. Because as our listeners know, if her hair is short, she's a lesbo. Short for lesbian. But if her hair is long, she's very religious.

One thing that aliens might take from this photo as well is that all of the walls on Earth are made of tile, which, as we know, is not true. Many floors are made of tile. Most walls are not. Perhaps they'll think, when they get here, that our floors are our walls, and our walls are our floors. Our producer Mike's mom, a physician's assistant,

has informed us that the bones in this x-ray look thin. Just to be clear, Mike's mom says this person's bones look thin, which means they're weak. Maybe they aren't drinking enough milk, which is a true thing that actually makes your bones stronger and definitely was not invented by the dairy villains. Big Dairy has told you that you need milk. Big Dairy is sponsored by X-Ray. Big Dairy is partnering with X-Ray to harm us.

Believe nothing, question everything. Believe nothing, question everything. Well, you know what, Grace? Let's make it interesting. Would you hook up with this person? Fuck, marry, kill. The left hand, the left x-ray, the middle x-ray, or the live hand.

I was about to be like, oh my God, her shirt is cuffed. She's gay. But I realized she's actually just so olden that she's wearing like a bonnet of a shirt. See, I was wondering who she's into as well. I think she's queer. Okay, Grace, fuck, marry, or kill? The left x-ray, the right x-ray, or her real hand? Yeah. Oh.

I'm killing the left hand. I'm marrying her hand. And I'm fucking the middle one is really sexy. Yeah, it is, honestly. Okay. Okay. I would fuck the human hand. And marry the middle? Sure.

I mean, if you're married to a picture, what does it ultimately matter? You just leave it at home. You know those, God, is it My Strange Add strange addiction the woman who marries the roller coaster or the guy that fucks his car oh um i think so grace is so mad about that grace hates that no because i i'm like i feel like i've watched those like clips on youtube or something yeah right there is a guy who like is in love with his car and he fucks the gas casket. I know a guy. I know a guy. I've seen a video of a guy who he like dates and fucks his pool toys. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. I have a question. And I know neither of you are mechanics, but I'm just going to ask it. If he if he comes in the gas will that complicate the gas almost certainly and i'm also

and i'm also not a mechanic but i feel so certain grace disagrees i'm kind of like well because first of all how do cars even work that. Surely a little bit of cum can't hurt it. Well, here's where I'm at. Surely it wouldn't be burned. Like it wouldn't get used as fuel. So at some point, you know, you got to think about how often you're fucking the car. Probably two, three times a week. There's going to be a viscosity problem in the gas because of the amount of

cum that you put into it. Or is it just burning off? It's a great question. I know, I kind of think like. Like alcohol. Yeah, that's what I was just thinking. Sugar fucks up your engine, your gas tank. Like hand sanitizer.

So if he's had a lot of pineapple or something. Oh yeah, that's. I don't think that works that way. Oh. Like I don't think cum gets sugary based on what you eat. I think that's mostly a vagina situation because of the pH. He fucked the tailpipe. He fucks the tailpipe.

I think he maybe puts the tip in for the gas gasket. Oh, jeez. But he fully fucks the tailpipe. Fucking the tailpipe sounds so painful. Unless you're putting, like, a pocket pussy in there and just letting it hold it yeah yeah i agree you want to feel the car if you guys had to fuck a car where would you fuck it oh i thought you were gonna ask what kind of car i would fuck um you know how you can take the my mom can't listen to this episode the headrests how you can change the height of the headrest.

I would put the headrest down to where there's just a little space and I would fuck that. I hate thinking about that. Because I'm picturing it like clearly in my mind. Clear as day. Clear as day. When you said, where would you fuck it? I genuinely thought, are you driving to a locale? I felt like fucking a carale like i was like in

what scenery i don't know the private beach no but you guys have to answer how i answered because i did it okay we'll just move right on easy steer no i'm going for me it's easy steering wheel to clit kind of back and forth quick and easy i can come really quick honestly you're just gonna rub your clit on the steering wheel yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm kind of like, that would work well, too. I'm going to fuck the Prindle. Uh, what? The stick shift. Oh, fun.

She's going to fuck the Prindle. I'm going to fuck the Prindle, duh. I'd love that for you. The funniest thing in the world to me to do is to ask a question like that. Like, I love in a group of friends to be like, if guys had to fuck a car how would you do it let everyone else answer and then your answer be like oh i wouldn't fuck a car yeah that's it it's a weird question i love doing that okay but in all seriousness grace what else is on your records on your record so my next thing i'm putting into the records is quadratini's the cookie the italian wafer cookie now i've never had these do you want to explain to us how they taste yeah so they're

like a like a classic wafer cookie it's five layers of cookie four layers of cream and um what the brand is known for is that it's all natural ingredients so you find it in mostly like organic or like natural stores like they they sold it at trader joe's when i was younger i'm pretty sure um and it's so they're so delicious. And what I did as a kid was I would microwave them for like 10 seconds and then eat them layer by layer. I used to do that with wafers. Always layer by layer. Fucking awesome. Fucking awesome. You countered this already with the ingredients are natural.

But I was going to ask if you feel like it could be challenged by a nutty buddy. But those are maybe just purely chemical yeah no there's something about like i had them as a kid so they're nostalgic but also i literally had them last night because my roommate bought them and i just feel like they'll be a forever snack for me because they're so good and i love the bag that they come in yeah it's a cute bag little red are you doing the red bag i'm doing the blue bag which is hazel wait no the the red bag is hazelnut red bag is hazelnut blue bag is chocolate black bag dark chocolate dark chocolate right i've never had dark chocolate green bag matcha i don't like that lighter blue bag vanilla beige bag cappuccino

my roommate bought cookies and milk flavor pretty good you liked it I liked it I ate them when I was a kid then I went to college in upstate New York no quadratinis to be found there

then I went to Chicago of course with you guys we went to Chicago, of course, with you guys. For some reason- We moved to Chicago together. Yes. For some reason, I never saw quadratinis there. And now the apartment that I live in, in Brooklyn, it's like two doors down, quadratinis sold. Quadratini factory. Yeah. Quadratinis are made in Brooklyn. I will say it's a fun name. They did a good job with that. I know. I agree. When I just read

Quadratini's, I'm glad that you sent us also the word cookies because I would have thought it was an alcoholic beverage. Oh, but that's the Italian of it, you know? It does sound sophisticated. Quadratini!

Quiet, Grace. Do one. A quadratini! Yours was Grace. Do one. A quattro trini. Yours was a little, aw. You said, we gave it some real vibrato. Grace said, a quattro tini. Yeah, mine was like, a quattro. Okay, I was 100 pounds literally when I said it. A little sweetie.

Just a little sweetie vibe. A quattro tini. Grace. Mm-hmm. What else? The experience of laying in warm grass is like big time. My favorite thing in the entire world. This episode has been so sexual, but I can't help but now think you're saying lay in warm grass. Shelby's friend from the beach fucked the warm sand.

I just, everything to me is really being shaded by sex in this episode. Because now I'm picturing you fucking the sand or the grass. I'm not fucking the grass, but I definitely had the hottest make out sessions of my life. Laying in warm grass in college you know what i mean like yeah being kind of day drunk in college making out on warm grass on the quad or whatever like that's that's ideal life for me would you include the so if we can like curate this to be the perfect laying in warm grass experience for the aliens are you including that sometimes it's a little itchy or are you being like this is no itchy grass no grass no itch yes it is itchy but because it's so

like euphoric for me it like doesn't matter like so do you want to keep it yeah i'll keep it and like i'll just like pull a piece of grass out of my vagina you know i mean like no no problem i'll pick my wedgie like if the grass is warm i'm a happy girl so you don't mind if the grass gets in your butt and stuff like that yeah it really made it sound like i'm like there's so much grass in my in my pussy and i need friends to help me yank it out where it's like... I'm scooping out handfuls of grass. I'm imagining when you go to the beach as a kid and you would play in the waves so much that your bathing suit would be just full of sand.

That was the worst. Yeah, that was the worst. That was the fucking worst. Getting in the shower after the beach as a kid. And it's inside the bathing suit? It's inside your body. It's inside of you. Fucked up.

Inside of you, I want to be. Inside of you. Wait, because I was thinking about being day drunk in warm grass, I'm going to go to my next thing. Oh, okay. Which is a homemade cocktail that I created in college called beerska now what is this so my dad is like kind of german and so growing up i feel like i had like a couple like my first introduction to alcohol was a rodler which is like a light beer and a sparkling lemonade and it's really delicious and so in college i kind

of wanted to recreate that so i used you know fucking bush or whatever beer i had around sick fresca yum the grapefruit soda zero calories by the way by the by if we're talking about it because you're it's not that's not an alcoholic drink. So you just got to add some handle, plastic handle of vodka in there. Yeah. You have to. And it is so delicious. And in college I would like, I had this big thermos and I would just like carry it around in that.

To class. To class. You're going to class chugging it. Like, yeah, honestly. Just like 20 people would just like sip out of it yes i love that i miss that i want to give the aliens and i i hope that alcohol works on them the way it works on us that's a really good point actually i want them to have it regardless don't do not take this as criticism um we're sending it but i'm like i hope that it works on them because

i want them to have like a jungle juice day party like i want them to be like or a beer eska day party where they're just like they're sitting around someone's flipping burgers or something and they're all getting like shit faced i hope it works on them i hope it does too I can't stop thinking You guys, I can't stop thinking About what they look like Yeah, it's a big part of it How big do you think they are? This is one of my favorite questions for the guests

I don't know They're either like 8 feet tall Or 3 To me 3 feet or 3 inches? Feet Feet I don't imagine them really small

No, no, no Some people do do no you know what annoys me is that when people are talking about how aliens exist and say it as aliens and they're like it's bacteria because i'm like listen that's not an alien if they can't talk to me if they don't at least kind of look like us they're not real i'm not interested or they're not green like they aren't green. What if they're blue? I just saw on Twitter, my girlfriend texted me like, oh my god, you have

to go on Twitter. UFO trending. So of course the word UFO is trending. And some like NASA or US Air Force confirmed UFO. And so I click on the tweet and then in the comments every person is going just because it says ufo doesn't mean

alien and i'm going why are you what else how miserable are you right truly that you can't just imagine alien for a quick sec well it could always be balloon boy do you guys remember Balloon Boy? You gotta talk about Balloon Boy. Shelby went so out on a limb to say Balloon Boy and was met with... You guys don't remember Balloon Boy? No, babe. Really, Grace? No idea. You guys don't remember the dad?

Never even heard of Balloon Boy. Are you guys kidding? This guy put his son in a balloon and he went up in the sky and it was a UFO and everyone was like, oh my God, UFO, UFO. And then they were like, there's a kid in there and they had to like get him down from the sky. You made this up. No. Search Balloon Boy. All of you.

Take a break. No, I don't want to. Quick break. I refuse to. It's going to be something sexual and gross. It's going to be something sexy. I'm looking it up but you know what it does remind me of is that greek story of the guy who wore who had wax wings and he got too close to the sun do you guys remember that one isn't it

called like eucharist or something what yeah it's literally his name is like eucalyptus that's a good story that's a really good story and maybe i'm gonna throw into the records the book of greek mythology that's actually really cool yeah because fuck christianity we why we need to talk about zazie zoos the last like minute and 45 seconds of this episode we have sounded so gay and stupid like it has just been pretty chaotic but that means we haven't like that's that means we've been really on our best behavior up until then yeah if we didn't sound gay and stupid before yeah well good job us i've sent everyone the wikipedia to the balloon boy hoax okay i'll click it if i feel like it i I guess. I can't believe they got charged.

People got charged for this. And the kid's, like, old now. I wonder where he's at. Prison. I don't know, but I'm looking at a picture of him. Really? Yeah. Grace, I really think, as interesting as Balloon Boy is,

we do need to know if there's anything else on your records. Yeah, there's one more thing. And I would argue maybe it's on your records. Yeah, there's one more thing. And I would argue maybe it's your most important. Yeah, it's big for you. Probably one of the biggest is the category of being tomboy. You are tomboy. Yeah, I mean, it was barked at me my whole life. And honestly, coming out is kind of when i'm most like yeah

i am tomboy or did you just mean lesbian yeah right it's hard to tell the difference sometimes i also was stricken with the tomboy title for years ages yeah and my younger brother used to make fun of me for it all the time because I would like wear his basketball shorts. Same. But I was like, sorry, sometimes I want to hoop.

I got to wear my basketball shorts. I got to have hoop. Yeah, you have to be prepared. I never know when someone's going to want to hoop. I have to be dressed for the occasion.

I hope that one day there's like, do you guys know the term fooch? Yes. Yes. Feminine fooch. I hope that one day like a third grader, some parent is like, oh, like you're know the term fudge? Yes. Feminine buch. I hope that one day, like,

a third grader, some parent is like, oh, like, you're such a tomboy. And she's like, actually, no, I'm fudge. That's all I want. Bailey, who you know, Bailey Inman. Yeah. She really, really... Love Bailey. Shout out

to Bailey, by the way. Shout out, Bailey. Bailey Inman. She's really into the fudge scale. Like, she, like, really, she out to Bailey, by the way. Shout out Bailey. Shout out Bailey. She's really into the Fudge scale. She really makes some diagrams about the Fudge scale. I love it. Yeah. She made one that was just Reba. It was Reba on the Fudge scale. That's interesting.

Femme, friend, Reba, all the way to Butch Reba. And then sort of a middle Fudge Reba. I also would say I identify as chapstick lesbian. Thank you. Me too. Someone called me that before I was out. And I said. That's hilarious.

Yeah, no, I definitely called lesbian a lot before I was out. But chapstick lesbian specifically, Caleb would call me. Caleb's upset because he can't engage in this. You're like, Caleb would also call me diet queen. None of this is about men. None of this is about men. None of this is about men. And I'm just like feeling extremely... I

think when I met Shelby, I was like tell me your sexuality. And Shelby was like straight. And I was like, we will simply see. Caleb came out for me really early on and was like, we'll see whenever you are ready to talk about it. Well, it's so problematic because, like, I want to know people's sexuality because literally I'm probably going to like you more if you are gay.

Big time. But it's problematic because, like, I think of coming out at 20 as, like, late or, like, 19, 20. And there's people that come out at, like, 30 and 40 and 50. You know what I mean? But I'm like, come on, no. Everybody has to know and tell me i gotta be honest i'm kind of i in this i do recognize that this is problematic but i'm kind of over the like people being like do not ask someone they will come out when they're ready i'm like i'm literally asking everybody i don't care you don't have to be honest with me but i need need to ask. Yeah, you can lie. If you're not ready yet, just lie.

Lie away, babe. Here's a problematic take as well. I was lying, but mostly to myself. Exactly. And I could read that. When a celebrity takes a gay role and they're presumed straight and then the celebrity never talks about it and people are arguing on the internet like well they don't have to come out to you and i'm like right but you understand that it could be positive for the gay community if they did it would actually maybe it's so fucking annoying also

yes they do everyone has to come out to me that's the rules i'm in charge of gayness and i say everyone has to come out to me how How about that? There you go. Caleb and I are like getting breakfast at Pick Me Up the second time we ever met. And he was like, cool. Well, you can also still fuck guys. You just, you should be fucking women. Yeah. But to be fair, I do that to every woman I meet.

Every woman I meet, I'm like, please be a little queer. Just with you, I felt like I had a bigger window. With you you i thought it could make an impact yeah and caleb you're also fun because you're like when when people are straight you're like i get that they're straight but i know they would have more fun fucking women and you're correct scientifically yeah scientifically and also look here's my here's my thing i sex with women. Look, wasn't for me. I think everyone should be more experimental. There is something, same sex sex is different because it just is. People, look, I'm saying a lot of guys who have not had gay sex would enjoy it because men know men's bodies and oh my god what women want starring mel what women want i'm just saying

women fuck some women fuck some non-binary people yeah it's not mel gibson if you get anything out of this just think about gay sex because you're probably already watching gay porn. I feel like everyone is. Everybody's watching gay porn. Everybody's watching gay porn. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody's watching gay porn.

You have to be watching gay porn. The straighter you are, the more gay porn you're watching. I feel, I watched straight porn sometimes just because I'm like, I, you know, I feel a little conservative.

I'm like this, let's watch straight porn. I mean, I watched gay male porn like well honestly i kind of just do audio porn at this point but what's really good wait let's start a new podcast to just talk about me and my porn life i would i would listen yeah i would listen okay well listen grace you sort of just said try gay sex is that the message you would want to include for the aliens,

or is there something else you want to say to them? Oh, yeah. Actually, that kind of is. It's like you guys are already, because in my mind and in my world that I know is true, aliens are green, and so just fuck everything that you can. You know what i mean i don't even think i need to tell them that because they probably already fucking know it i believe in them they're probably fucking so much more than us they've got to watch wicked well yeah wait maybe that is my thing they

should watch i did like that musical when i saw it when When I saw Wicked on Broadway or wherever it was, it was the first musical I ever saw. And I was like so young. My dad bought me Milk Duds and the woman in front of me turned around and goes, Can you have her stop eating those things so damn loud? She said, get that little fucking freak under control. I mean, dude, I was shoving like six milk duds in my mouth. I was like. Shelby hates that.

Shelby hates that. But I cried, but I cried. Yeah. I'm loving the idea too of your dad having to be like she can't stop she loves him and in the background it's like dancing through life oh my god I have to go back

I have to go back to Wicked we have to go back to Wicked when this is all over we have to go see Wicked yeah wait also I have thought of one more thing I want to tell the aliens When this is all over, we have to see Wicked. Yeah. Also, I have thought of one more thing I want to tell the aliens. Please. Do cursive.

Do cursive. Don't bother with regular handwriting. Do cursive. Yeah. And that can be so powerful. Thank you. Grace, you have been an amazing sexual queer guest. Horny, horny, horny, horny.

Is there anything that you want to plug before we leave? You can follow me on every social media at G Cool Instrument and that's it. And you must. You must follow Grace. Grace, we love you so much. It actually would be so stupid if you aren't already. Right. I love you guys so much. was so fun by the way we love you more by the way do you feel like you'll visit your family soon and in that way also us yeah i'm

going to at the end of may thank god so i'll see you for one time then yeah no more no less that is traveling though that is traveling though you're like i'll see everybody family and all of los angeles yeah we'll see you one you got one chance but you better make it one time we'll be magic okay thank you we love you i love you guys so much That was a Hidgum Original.