Keeping Records - Church Giggles (with Paul F. Tompkins)

Episode Date: September 30, 2022

Things discussed: tortoises, sperm whales, elephant seals, octopi, persian cucumbers, regular cucumbers, gerkins, Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap.  Things not discussed: why EJ is training his cat, and what techniques he is using to achieve his goals.  And who better to discuss and not discuss these things with than professional discusser Paul F. Tompkins (Comedy Bang Bang!, Threedom, Mr. Show)??? Blessed to have him grace the Keeping Records studios with this hyper-specific list of space-bound mementos.  Paul's Artifacts:  The Sound Tortoises Make (Sound) A Beach Towel Being Laid Out at the Beach (Experience) The Sesame Street Alien Skit (Audio-visual) Church Giggles (Shared Experience) Follow Paul on Twitter and Instagram and buy tickets to his upcoming Varietopia show at the Elysian Theater! Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Look, this is me saying well, well, well with no mouth movement. Okay.

Okay, I'll try it now. I probably did too. No, honestly, you didn't really. I watched a TikTok live. I don't know if anyone looks at TikTok lives, but I do. I scroll through them. I think they're fascinating. There's weird stuff on there.

The weirdest stuff is there. That's why I get there. But there was a guy doing a ventriloquist act, and I ended up being absolutely enamored. I mean, ventriloquism is amazing. It doesn't make any sense. How are you doing that? It doesn't make any sense at all.

No sense, no sense at all. No, that ventriloquism. You guys see this ventriloquism stuff? You guys see this? You got to hand up a door. You're that ventriloquism. You guys see this ventriloquism stuff? You guys see this? You gotta hand up a door. You're talking as a door and yourself. Ooh. Do you like puppets? Do I like puppets?

In what context? Do you like when they're around? Again, I need more like do i okay do you like interacting with a puppet well no i feel like that's crazy what interaction so you would rather just sit on the chair next to you and not and you're not even addressing it see that's i thought you meant to have a conversation with it i mean that i don't want to talk mean, that, I don't want to talk to a puppet.

Okay. I don't want to talk to someone's hand in a sock. Okay. Can I ask a follow-up? If someone's like, hey, how's it going? I want to be like,

You're like, talk to me normal. Although, like, I say this now and I sort of know that I am kind of acting a little holier than thou because if someone did

talk to me as a puppet, I would talk to the puppet. Okay, great. Because next recording, I'm going to bring in my sock. No. See, I don't think I'll like that. We're going to get him a mic. Because ultimately, this still is an audio platform.

And it will just feel crazy. It'll just be me and then one of me with a little bit of a higher voice. Wouldn't it be crazy if we tried and made it sound like this podcast was like four people doing voices? Like it was like, EJ like four people like we just kept doing voices. Like it was like, EJ, do you remember last week? And then we'd say, oh my god, yeah, last week. Like, EJ, got a little last week. And what about you, Meredith?

I don't really remember that happening last week. That could be fun. I feel like that could be kind of cool. Hey guys, five stars and tell us if you want to hear more people on this podcast. If you'd rather we have one to six guests. No, for real. I haven't been seeing a lot of reviews coming in.

No, I haven't either. And like, I mean, I recently. You guys should know I like to read those. Yeah, you guys, that's Shelby's bedtime reading. Because I don't like to read. No. So it's like as much that I get. And if you guys aren't writing, I'm not reading.

Yeah. And like all those little reviews, that's like candy for Shelby. Candy. Sweet, sweet, sweet stuff. Put it in my purse.

Save it for a rainy day. I don't know how to carry a purse. Yeah. I've never seen you with a purse. I don't carry a purse. Sometimes I carry a crossbody bag. Oh, I recently learned what a purse. Sometimes I carry a crossbody bag. A clutch? Oh. I recently

learned what a clutch is. It's like, one of those things, no handle purses. It's like you're holding it really tight in your palm. It's almost like you're clutching it. Clutching it. That's a clutch. That's a clutch. A a clutch a functionless purse

yeah if you're gonna carry the bag just carry the items you know what I mean just bring a ziplock bag why don't ya jeez yeah let me tell you something

if you're gonna come to my party with a clutch in your hand, I'd rather you just have a plastic bag, a couple of items inside of it. Get a handle or get a plastic bag. I want to know what you're bringing. What's so important? If you can't hold your stuff in your hand, how can you hold a bag in your hand? Right. Aren't you losing those things?

Yeah. What's with women in the bags? Let can you hold a bag in your hand? Right. Aren't you losing those things? Yeah. What's with women in the bags? Let me ask you a question. When you put the bag, say you get, say you had a party, they have past appetizers. Past appetizers. They have past appetizers. And you have a drink in one hand, you get a little quiche in the other.

Okay. Or you put it in the clutch. Right. On the armpit. Oh, ew. P.U. P.U. because I know your dress doesn't have pockets. That's the war on women. Women, can you have it all with a clutch? That's what's holding you back.

Get a purse with a strap. Use both hands. You are kissing that mic. Everyone knows I love the mic. Sorry. Sorry. You guys, I'm sorry about that one. Sorry.

EJ, what have you been up to? What have you been up to what have i been up to uh well oh geez man i um look i know no one's an innocuous question i know really sad really quick what do you have to oh um i know no one wants to hear me talk about this, but I've been actively working on training my cat. And I mean that. I know, I know. I know you don't want to hear it, Shelby. I know. But he's been attacking me so viciously,

something needed to change. When I say that he comes running at me and tackles me, biting my neck, I'm alone in the house. I'm like, no one would hear me scream. That's the scariest thing about cats is what happens when you die if you have them. Yeah. Google it if you haven't already.

They eat you. They eat you. If you have a cat and you die, they start to eat you. Yummy, yummy in their tummy. They don't care that you once gave you die they start to eat you yummy yummy in their tummy they don't care that you once gave them everything they needed to survive no they begin to eat you because they're predators ultimately um their big brothers are lions and tigers and they're not even that distant of cousins i've also been watching a lot of documentaries about cats anyway we don't have to talk about cats for the whole intro but um

but you're training yours but But I am training mine, and I'm... There's not progress yet, but sometimes I can see it in his eyes that he regrets what he's done. Are you, like, spraying it? What's the training process like? No, and this is what I want everyone to understand really clearly. You're never supposed to punish a cat. That's what I've been reading everywhere. Because that makes them

angrier, and they want to defy you more. Okay. So, like, the spray bottles, that makes them more feisty. want to defy you more okay so like the spray bottles that makes them more this sounds like what my parents thought about like me and my siblings they were like no if we just let them know that it was wrong but they don't get punished yeah big problem really oh you don't think that was no although then my mom she listens to this my mom started spraying um she did do this my mom started spraying she did do this

I don't think she'll care that I'm saying this okay but when I was when me and my sister would fight before school a lot we had a spray bottle

for the dogs that had like water and a little bit of Listerine I think the trainer had given it to her like that as a tip why the Listerine?

I don't know anyway if my sister and I were fighting before school she would spray us with the bottle and say if you're gonna fight like dogs I'm gonna treat you like dogs oh that's so awesome that's honestly so awesome you're gonna fight like dogs

I would go to school just like with a thin film of Listerine on my skin. People were like, that Shelby is minty fresh. I mean, that's a pretty okay smell to have. I feel. Yeah, but Listerine, I feel like you don't want to be smelling Listerine. It could probably go over the top. You like it? When I take, I think, do you think that's why I hate Listerine to this day?

Oh, yeah. if i had to that got on you we got on you yeah we got her yeah like why i thought everyone just didn't really love the taste of Listerine. Oh, people like it. Really? I love those things that you put on your tongue that melt away. This is me finding out I have trauma. I'm like, wait, no, nobody likes the taste of that. It brings you sadness, great sadness.

Makes you think of bad time. Takes you back to sad drive to school. Wait a minute. I'm feeling, I think about Listerine, I feel shame. I feel ashamed of my actions. What are you guys talking about? People like it. It's a bad thing. It's a bad, inherently it's a bad thing.

It makes you think about all the bad things you've done. You have to have a weird conversation. It's a taste that immediately makes you reflect on yourself. It's obvious. You guys are sick. It's a taste that immediately makes you reflect on yourself. It's obvious. You guys are sick. It's so weird. That's why everyone's so sad all the time. It's like they're masochists.

They're washing their mouths out every morning with the trauma juice. Right. Right. The trauma juice that we all put on our toothbrushes scrub scrub away it's different than what you put on a toothbrush that's how I know it's just the Listerine

I like mint I'll chew a gum any day of the week a gum do you chew gum? I love gum when you are at a gas station and you're like oh I'm out of gum do you have one that you always go to?

Polarize Extra. Do you know what's crazy? I don't have a preference. That's cool. I just pick one. People have such specific gum things. Yeah. Rue has a couple that they, if I'm chewing it, they're like, ooh.

And I genuinely don't think, there's only a few that I've ever been like, no, this won't do. And it's not because of the flavor of them although some do have bad flavors but I will grit and bear that it's that they disintegrate too soon oh yeah well that's when they're trying to be all natural or whatever gum is not natural no gum is not natural I want it to feel like I'm chewing plastic gum is not natural let's stop the movement gum is not natural toothpaste is not natural. Let's stop the movement. Gum is not natural. Toothpaste is not natural. Okay, this one's going to get me canceled.

Deodorant's not natural. Wow. We have to stop. We have to stop. That was fucked up. Yeah. Some people should be using non-natural deodorant. But if you are not a smelly person by nature, you are allowed, in my opinion, to use natural deodorant. If you are soon going into a body of water, you can use natural deodorant.

If you are a stinky person that I will smell, go ahead and use the real stuff. And they make clinical strength that you could just get over the counter. Yeah, they do. They do. So you should maybe get on one of those um are you the kind of person that's like i when i'm in love i kind of like the smell of my person's bo i don't know lindsey doesn't really smell oh yeah totally so it's hard to know it's hard to know

some people some people are like yeah i think l So it's hard to know. It's hard to know. Some people are like, yeah, I like... I think Lindsay's that kind of person. Oh. Because there are times where I know I... I'll go on a long walk outside, be sweating. Be sweating. Know I smell bad. Yeah. And then she'll be like, you smell amazing. And I'm like, that's sick. That's pheromones.

Or something. Anya said, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, pheromones. Shelby's got them. Ever heard of them? I'm having them. You're having them.

Anyway, today's guest is a literal icon. How about? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know Yeah. Yeah. You know him from stuff like Comedy Bang Bang? Bojack Horseman?

Three Dumb? Mr. Show? And so many more things. You know him. You love him. Paul F. Tompkins. Oh, Paul. How are you? Listen, I'm good.

I want to apologize for not introducing myself out in the hallway when I ran straight to a dog. There was a dog. Oh, that's not your fault. No. There was so many people around

and I was like, what do I do here? Do I introduce myself to everyone standing around? No. Or does everyone understand? You just address the dog. Absolutely.

When Dee is in the room, she does demand to be first introduced. You can't look away. She's just lying on the cold, cool floor and would not look up for anything. No. Didn't care. She is a dog that could also be three other animals. I think she could be a pig. Absolutely. She is a dog that could also be three other animals. Like I think she could be a pig. Absolutely.

She is a dog. She could be a pig. She could also be a seal. Elephant seal specifically. Sure. I don't know the difference. You've never seen an elephant seal? I haven't.

Probably have. I haven't been like that's elephant versus. Are you trying to be cool? Yeah. You've seen an elephant seal. Yeah. Again, probably true.

I don't, I feel like you're trying to true. I don't know what this act is. Yeah. This act is, I don't, when I see a seal, I'm like, a seal! And I'm not like, now which kind? Well, the thing about elephant seals, I mean, you might back me up on this, Paul, is that their faces. I can't believe I'm getting ganged up on. Instantly recognizable as something a little different.

Yeah. They've got long, dangling, bulbous noses. Okay, but I've not seen one. Right. Exactly. Shelby. But Paul doesn't believe me when I say that. I know you've seen one.

I haven't. I really haven't. Everyone has. Have you seen one? Simply everyone has. Questionable. I'm not sure. Okay. You've seen one. You've seen one. I'm looking. Questionable. I'm not sure. Okay.

You've seen one. You've seen one. I'm looking it up now. Okay, thank you. I don't know what this is. I know. I'm sorry you were brought into this sort of hostile environment. I don't think I would have known that this wasn't just all seals.

What? No, you guys. No, what? Now that's wild to say. I was a science kid. Not a science kid. Are you serious? You're telling me you would see that? No, regular seals are on Instagram all the time.

Nobody wants pictures of elephant seals. Elephant seals are not cute enough to get on Instagram. Also, if they're being hidden from the public, how can you blame me for not having seen one? I know. I was trying to share with you we're truly telling the truth and now I believe you that you haven't seen one before. Like if they're in the zoo, I'll find them. I haven't been to a zoo in a long

time though. There's your problem right there. Are you going to the zoo a lot? Every weekend. I did the other day. I was I had like a couple hours to kill and I was like should I try and find an aquarium? Oh, well, aquariums are amazing. Oh my God. But then I was like if I'm going to and I was like, should I try and find an aquarium? Oh, well, aquariums are amazing. Oh, my God.

But then I was like, if I'm going to go to the aquarium, I want to get sort of ripping high. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't want it to be just a few hours. I was like, I have to stay there. You need like six hours at least. You want to be immersed.

Yeah. Yeah. I want to eventually get asked if I want to get in the tank. Yes. And I'll say yes. Which they don't do for everybody but if you are there long enough and you are you are clearly appropriately reverent yeah to all the fishes someone will come over and say by any chance would you would you like to get in that's what i try i

try and give an air of when i'm sitting in the room and the room's filled with sort of the blue light i'm already in the tank you know yeah uh-huh and so that they're like you want to feel what they feel yeah yeah that's how they separate the wheat from the chaff it's like if you are in there and you already feel like oh i'm in the tank i got it and you leave after an hour two hours but if you stay there for i mean it's longer than you think what you don't know is I hold my breath, too. Because I'm underwater. Okay. Because I try to be like, I'm underwater. So I'm sitting there just.

Right. And they haven't asked you yet? Well, so normally, no. And I have to leave because I'm. It's only so long. Yeah. Sure. I'm working on getting better.

You have to leave because the air is outside. Yeah. I have to get out of the pool. You hold your breath at the entrance. I have to get out of the pool. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I'm working on getting better. You have to leave because the air is outside. Yeah. I have to get out of the pool. You hold your breath at the entrance. I have to get out of the pool. Yeah. Yeah. But if I take a breath in there, I'm like, they won't know that I take this seriously.

It's true. They'll think I can breathe underwater. And then they definitely won't let me in the tank because I'm a liability. Yeah. If I think I can breathe underwater, I'm a liability. Exactly. You've got to make a big show of taking a huge breath. Huge, huge, huge, huge.

Or sometimes I'll just stand up really and then go back down. As an employee, I see that. I think, whoa. I have to go to one of the exhibits that you can see under the water and above the water. Yeah.

Because then it's like, oh, I'm above it. And then if I get back down, I'm... Go up there and get some air. Drink it in. Go back down. Is there anything crazier than how long people... Like, did you guys both see Octopus Teacher? No.

No worries. I honestly think it was weird. The guy was absolutely in love with an octopus. Yeah, that's what I heard about it. Romantically, in my opinion. Oh, really? I think he had romantic feelings. An imbalance of power between a teacher and a student? Yeah, well, he's what I heard about it. Romantically, in my opinion. Oh, really? I think he had romantic feelings. An imbalance of power between a teacher and a student?

Yeah, well, he's really not okay. That's inappropriate. Yeah, that's actually really not okay. But octopus is in the position of power, which is the craziest part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, right, because octopus is a teacher. It's my octopus teacher. Totally.

But he would free dive down there and he would be down there for like 20 minutes. Like holding his breath for 20 minutes? Yes. Really? Why isn't that the subject of the movie? I would watch... Who cares about some dumb octopus? If we watch things like Free Solo,

where people are climbing up a mountain without a rope, let me watch someone go down, down, and deep into the water without a tank. Fair is fair. I want... That is... You want to go up real high? Got to go down real low. watch someone go down, down into deep into the water. Yeah, fair's fair. Without a tank. Fair's fair. Okay. That is equal. You want to go up real high? Got to go down real low.

Got to go down real low. Yeah, balance. And we haven't been super, super low. So like at least let me just see how low we can get. No breath. Can I share with you my theory? No breath. Can I share with you my theory about my octopus teacher?

Sure. It wasn't the same octopus every time. Whoa. You told me this guy was like, oh it wasn't the same octopus every time you told me this guy was like oh it's the same one hey what's up it's me your friend

especially because they can change colors so you can't even be like you can't even be like he has the exact same markings they can't you think they can't pretend to be each other

I mean and we haven't even gotten into how they can shape shift if I was an octopus okay yeah and my octopus friend

came back and was like, there was this dude who was obsessed with me, I'd be like, I want to go see. I can't go back there. Please, will you go instead? Yeah, I would go. Yeah, he's going to run way too strong. I'd go to Cape Nashley, flip it. Absolutely. Yeah, Michelle from Full House, two actors, one

octopus. Totally. Yeah, Parent Trap, Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay Lohan, Parent Trap, two actors. They didn't do yeah Parent Trap Lindsay Lohan all of them Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap two actors they didn't do a Parent Trap ever did they

the Olsens did they do a type of no they shouldn't like a version of it they never did no but wouldn't it have made more sense

if no offense Lindsay I think you did a wonderful job an amazing job amazing one of the best we're all rooting for you yeah

truly Lindsay she's a listener girl thanks for listening know that if I could do anything it would be protect your career. Do you remember when you tried to save the baby in Greece by putting on a weird accent?

Oh. The baby, bring to me the baby. Yeah. I will say, the one flaw in your career is that we had the Olsen twins and we picked you instead. Yeah. Dang. I think she did an incredible job. flaw in your career is that we had the Olsen twins and we picked you instead. I think she did an incredible job. But can you imagine having the two most famous twins alive and being like, we're not going to do the twin movie? Maybe they asked them and they said no.

Do you think it just required more acting than they were comfortable with? Probably. They weren't really actors. They were performers. This isn't a run-around type of movie, girls. This is like you have to stand there and cry sometimes. Lindsay did an amazing girl.

It's just crazy because to me it was a twin movie and we had the twins. To Shelby for some reason it was a twin movie. Wait what is this to you EJ?

That's the whole premise of the movie. No I I'm saying I know it was a twin movie. It was obvious. You viewed it more like a marriage story I was

about their divorce he's like the twins were happenstance this was this was a romcom about a 20 year old girl who's

who's really interested in an older man and his little daughters won't leave her alone exactly the movie's based on Meredith yeah

the girlfriend the father's girlfriend no yeah did you watch it recently won't leave her alone. Exactly. The movie's based on Meredith. Yeah. The girlfriend. The father's girlfriend. No, yeah. Did you watch it recently? Wait, in the new I'm just telling you. In the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap

the father has a younger girlfriend? Very young. Really young. Why did they put that in there? They were doing a lot of weird stuff back then. I don't know.

And then they had the butlers the butler and the nanny date. Right, but they and the nanny date. Right, but they were both gay. Yeah. Yeah. Like, obviously so. Obviously so.

But I like that they fell in love with each other. But gay people weren't allowed to be on TV at that time, probably. I'm like, was there a gay person in the movie at all? And no. Although I would argue the girl. The girl who goes, yo, tie-dye girl. She's queer. See, I need to go back to the original text.

Tie-dye girl was the girl who was ripping everyone's duffels from the bottom of the duffel pile. Yeah. And tie-dye girl. What? Yeah. What is this process? It was like instead of just giving them their bags, they dumped every bag for the whole camp in one pile. And so they were being like, my bags.

And there was one girl, tie-dye girl. I think that's how she's built. Yeah. That they go, yo, tie-dye girl. And she just grabbed a bag from the bottom of the pile and yanked it out. And was like, there you go. She's queer. Yeah. Yeah, I'm with you on that one. The girl who girl who yet tie-dye girl or the girl who yelled tie-dye girl girl who yelled tie-dye girl probably also i think a lot of these campers were ended up queer because it

was an all-girls camp yeah yeah and we're coded at the least yeah there was a lot of campus queer code yeah for sure listen i went for a long time i gotta tell you campus queer code. Yeah, for sure. Listen, I went for a long time. I gotta tell you. Camp is queer code. Absolutely. And especially, especially this all girls. Like there was some. Yeah, I mean. 30% is a modest estimate of how many of them ended up queer. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the camp counselor, the. Do you know who I'm talking about? Totally, yeah. You don't? No, I don't.

But again, I don't. But again, I need to go back to the original text because you're throwing out a lot of references that I don't remember. I haven't seen this movie in like eight years. That's amazing. That is recall. You have amazing memories. I haven't seen this movie in so long.

But no, when they get sent to the exile bunk, she goes... And she's good. I don't even remember the exile bunk. She goes, and she's good. I don't even remember the exile bunk. And she was already out. That's where they found out they were sisters. I'm literally, what's in my mind?

Oh my God. I just feel like, okay. They got in trouble, and then they say, You don't know either? Hey, we look exactly alike.

No, I'm 32. I mean, I can remember. So how old were you when they came out? Like a child. Exactly. I didn't see it in the last decade.

I haven't either. You said eight years ago. Oh, okay. Close to a decade. She's like, you see it every week. No. How old were you eight years ago? So young, like a baby.

Yeah, me too. Eight years eight years ago god i was 12 i'm 20 i'm 20 years old can't drink yet oh my god your 21st is gonna be crazy you have so much fun i'm just happy i'm getting to have my 21st outside of the pandemic. Oh my God. I was like so scared. Like I was like 17 when it started. Yeah. And I was like, God, if I have to turn 21 in my apartment by myself. I didn't have an apartment yet.

I was living with my parents. Right. I was imagining probably by then I would get my own apartment. And I was like, that's going to be awful. Yeah. But I'm really happy that when I turn 21, I can like go to a bar. Yeah. Yeah. And at least do like karaoke or something. Yeah. Can you'm really happy that when I turn 21, I can like go to a bar. Yeah. Yeah. And at least do like karaoke or something.

Yeah. Can you do karaoke at 21? You, some days. In some states. How long do you have to be? In some states. Some states. In LA, you're allowed because it's a performance city.

Right. It was, it was how Newsom actually ran. I forgot about that. It was one of his platforms. Karaoke for everybody. Yeah. He was like, I think younger people should get to sing. Yeah.

He was like, let them sing. Before that, it was kind of like Footloose Town. That's why Baby Shark is on so many karaoke playlists here. Yeah. It's like, who's going to sing that? And then I forget, some toddlers come in sometimes. Yeah. Well, now.

Because they can't. I mean, thank goodness. Right. Yeah. Well, now. But a couple of years ago, it was really bleak i mean if you wanted to go sing a song you had to be i think the old rule anna can correct me if i'm wrong yeah was are you on the website you used to have to be 35

no or 22 with a parent yeah you could have a parent you'd be 35 years old or 22 with a parent. Yeah, you could have a parent. You could be 35 years old or 22 with a parent. It had to be a parent. It couldn't be because people were like, oh, I'll just go with a friend. No, it couldn't be a friend. Oh, no. Not even legal guardians. No, not a guardian. No, it had to be a parent.

And that caused a lot of controversy too. That caused a lot of controversy because there were a lot of stepdads and stepmoms that were upset. Trying to give consent. And a lot of orphans. A lot of orphans. A lot of orphans. I mean, famously, the orphans, orphan culture is really popular. Like karaoke, there's a lot of languages.

Well, I don't know if you remember the like, like orphans should be able to sing to movement. Yeah. But that was really, I mean, I found it to be pretty touching. What I thought, I thought that was touching. And I also thought it was gross when people would say, what about Annie?

Right. And it's like, that's a show. That's fake. That's fake. And of course those girls wouldn't have orphans on the Broadway stage.

No, they would never, ever, ever. Annie wasn't doing karaoke. Yeah. No, that's not karaoke. No. That's not karaoke. Exclusively songs from Annie.

Annie wasn't doing it. If in the film or play, either, Right. Annie were to go to a bar and sing Annie wasn't doing it if in the film or play either right Annie were to go to a bar and sing I don't know

Britney Spears we'd be in a different position I wouldn't let her do that no and the city wouldn't let her do that first of all it's forbidden

yeah Paul I have a question for you we were wondering if you were to be in charge of your own golden records Paul, I have a question for you. We were wondering if you were to be in charge of your own golden records, what would you put on them? This is an interesting question. And I've thought about this a lot.

Yeah. Thank you for doing that, by the way. You're welcome. I think the first thing I put on there is the noises of tortoises. Because I didn't know how many noises they are capable of until very recently. Are you capable of giving like a top of your head quick couple of examples? Like the first couple of noises? I met an orphan. I've heard no orphans' noises.

I met a little orphan and when she couldn't say boy, could she do a tortoise? You know what's funny? No tortoise is an orphan because they all live forever. Exactly. Imagine your parents just hanging around forever. Oh, geez. I met a tortoise recently and I was feeding what we thought was a him at the time. And now after some internet research, realized it was a her.

Oh, that's so interesting. Like a cucumber. Tortoise will tear through a cucumber so fast. Scary because they can do so many things fast. No, they're so slow. And yet they can take down a cucumber. If you, let's say a whole cucumber like this big, right? Oh, so that's length.

Length, yes. Is this more? Yeah. There's those really skinny long ones that are like, but then there's the normal ones which are around here. Normal. Normal. Be normal. Be normal.

For once. Cucumbers. Cucumbers. Be normal. Persian. Normal. The other ones. Pickles.

Pickle. Persian. Yeah. Other. Gherkin. Gherkin. Gherkin. Yeah. Gherkin. Gherkin. Gherkin. Oh, Gherkin. Gherkin's fun.

That's a fun word. Gherkin. Gherkin. Persian. I don't like pickles, but when I hear the word Gherkin, I want to eat a pickle. Yeah. Because it sounds appetizing for some reason. And that is better than cornichon.

Ugh. To eat a cornichon. I mean, what are you doing? The movie Big took cornichons down mean what are you doing the movie Big took cornichons down forever oh no cornichons are the pickles

corn when you said cornichon I thought of the baby corn oh that's sweet I found out that baby corn is literally baby corn at the farmer's market

yeah I think I thought that it was a separate vegetable I did for years what did you think it was I thought it was just another vegetable that that happened to look like a baby corn yeah elephant seal much vegetable. I did for years. What did you think it was? I thought it was just another vegetable.

That happened to look like a baby corn? Elephant seal much? Oh my God. I want him out. Right now. I don't think it's that crazy. It's like a beet kind of looks like a plum. They're different

foods. I guess that's true. And they're different foods. Parsn of looks like a plum. They're different foods. I guess that's true. And they're different foods. Turnip also. Parsnip looks like a carrot. Different foods. So I didn't think it was crazy that a tiny corn might be a different food than an adult corn. Things are named stupidly often. Yeah.

Come on, EJ. I don't know, you guys. Worst name ever? Sperm whale. Yeah. Do you know why it was named that? No. Because they would catch it was named that? No. Because they would catch these whales, right?

Okay. Then they'd open up their big heads and the stuff in there looked like sperm. And it stuck. That name stuck. I think that's actually so funny. I think it's so funny to imagine a bunch of fishermen being like it looks like cum!

And being like, no, that's like sperm, dude. And they're all sitting there. They were relentless. And everybody's like, oh, yeah, sperm whale. Okay. But it's called spermaceti, the stuff that's inside the whale's skulls. What is it? Based on it looking like it or that was already the name?

Based on it looking like it. Crazy. Look, it's spermaceti. That looks like sperm. This is sort of like the looks like sperm. Holy shit. This is sort of like the funny bone conversation. Holy shit. This is crazy.

There's like a little post-it note that's like, this is called spermaceti. Or maybe the whale was like, no, my spermaceti. No, my spermaceti. Final words. Yeah.

No. Yeah, yeah. Doeti. Final words. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do more, do more. Not my spermaceti. Ooh. How'd that sound in the headphones? Thank you. Do you think other whales find whale sounds not creepy?

Like when they hear them, do you think, like me, they go, eww. They must. Oh, I think to them it's a beautiful orchestra. I want to like them, but they are very scary to me. Yeah, it's haunting. Well, they're eerie. It's eerie, thank you. It's the same.

Oh boy, here we go. The bottom of the ocean. Yeah. The outer space. The space. The bottom of the ocean. The bottom of the ocean the space the outer space the space both places the bottom of the ocean the space the bottom of the ocean they're both

terrifying and both of them have sounds that let you know that they're scary and space they'll now be like we got a little audio

for you and it's literally like and you're like no it should be no sound up there there should be no sound up there there should be no sound there should be there should be no

sound in space because there's nothing there that was my opinion when they say there's sounds in space I say that is disgusting it should be so silent speaking of sounds in space sounds of tortoises sounds of tortoises on the game record um i heard the tortoise like do a big sigh okay like one

oh okay wait that's fine they're exhausted they're so long burp no in the middle of the cucumber after the cucumber no way i was like wow it's just like a movie and it sounded like a human burp no it did not it sounded it had the sort of the tombra of a human burp um like that the rattle in the throat you know that kind of feeling that kind of thing but it was like all a straight straight line straight waveform sure technical yeah it was way louder

than I thought it would be whoa where it was just like I can't make the burp sound but it was just sort of like he was doing the but a burp

the uh the beginning of an acapella group yeah that key yeah and crazy eating sounds I sounds perfect pitch crazy eating do you really like ann murray i'm like tone deaf to be honest no ej is it true yeah it's i think perfect pitch is a really cool thing to have i do too but now i feel bad talking about in front of

yeah i mean it's like i i'm over it. Try A sharp. No, I did musical theater in high school. Did you just sing a little bit just now? I asked for an A sharp. No, I did musical theater in high school. And I just have a really vivid memory of my teacher being at the piano, like playing the notes and being, getting just like, I mean, pretty frustrated. And like, not in a way where he was like mad at me, but he was just like,

that's, you're not, that's not it. You know, um, that seemed frustrated at you. It was, I mean,

yeah, it was at me. What were your shows? Um, I was in the 25th annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. You know that one? I know of it. I've never seen it.

Uh, I've also never seen it i don't even know if i've really heard it's honestly an amazing musical i think i might have heard of it and just thought it was a spelling bee like i was like i mean in many ways it was i don't know why they're broadcasting this nationally good luck with that let the kids spell that's what i always say if they can't they can spell. What's the cutoff for Spelling Bees? How long do you get to do it? Are you trying to enter?

Maybe. Okay, spell. They should have adult Spelling Bees. Do they not have adult Spelling Bees? I bet they must, right? There's got to be a community. I mean, in this city? Oh, definitely.

In L.A.? For sure. L.A. is the city of plenty. You can have anything you want here. The city of plenty. You can have a spelling bee if you want in LA. Onya is telling me there's an adult spelling bee.

Okay, well. National. I know we're doing for spring break. I feel like we are two months away from the Elysian doing a comedic spelling bee. Oh, it was held in Long Beach. That's right. The City of Plenty. Hello.

Long Beach, the City of Plenty. Yeah, I'm always saying that about Long Beach. Well, because it's so long. For a beach. They had to fill it with stuff. Yeah. For a beach? I mean, there's only so much you can put in.

Wait, do you guys not give a shit about tortoises? No, I do. They're great. I'm not. No, I'm honestly fascinated by the idea that the emotions you've already, the ones you've given so far are just very much like a guy. Yeah. Eats a cucumber really fast, sighs, and then burps. Yeah. They snore too, don't they?

I think so. I would not be surprised. That's something that I thought I knew that might be turtles, and I don't want to be offensive, but... Well, turtles, like, screech sometimes also. No worries. People don't have to care about that. Like, when they're in pain? Just in general, I think they're the kind of screechers.

Just in general? In general, they're kind of... I think that's how they mostly make sound. Little turtles. I don't believe anything you're saying. How little are we talking about? Little guys. Not babies.

They're like little guys. Like classroom turtles? Yeah. Are we talking classroom turtles? They're squeakers. They're little squeakers. Okay. Nobody believes anything I'm saying.

But what other kinds of noises do tortoises make? I didn't catalog them all. Okay. And the tortoise did not make all the noises that I wished it would have. Well, so here's my question for you. But this is my first time meeting a tortoise, like getting to touch it and stuff and feed it and everything. Do you think you'll do it again? Yeah.

Yeah. I sort of – the tortoise found its way into my friend's backyard oh which is a weird thing that happens more than you think in what town yeah where uh this is in uh do i blow up their spot you haven't named the person yet so they're anonymous could be anybody but people people know who my friends are they live not far from Pasadena let's say in an area that has lots of wildlife there's a bear that

visits their neighborhood regularly and does not seem to be deterred by any sort of anti-bear efforts that people take is it a black bear or a grizzly bear it looked like a brown bear from the video that I saw. The problem with bears for me is that they're so cute and I would want to hang out with one,

but I know that that is one of the worst things I could do with one. It wouldn't be long. My question about tortoises and the sounds that we're sending up. Yeah. Are you wanting them to know that the sounds are attached to a tortoise or do you want these to be disembodied sounds i have two minds okay and that's okay because on the one hand of course i want to spread the gospel of tortoises everywhere right but on the other hand i would think it would be fun if the sounds if the sounds stood on their own and intelligent life in the universe was like i gotta find out what that is

yeah this sounds cute i want to know so you're hoping they come you're you're trying to attract an intelligent life in the universe was like, I gotta find out what that is. Yeah. This sounds cute. I want to know. So you're hoping they come. You're trying to attract them. I'd like to meet them, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, and we're so down for that too. As long as they come in peace, I'm good with them. Well, here's what I'm assuming, and this is a big assumption on my part. Yeah. But if they're hearing the record, and they're hearing, you know, Johnny B. Goode and all that shit, that they're like, that makes them curious rather than angry. Yeah, sure.

And that they would like to come say hello. I mean, my hope is that everything that we're sending, they're like, okay, they super aren't a threat. Like they seem to just be kind of hanging out and they aren't that smart. I think aliens will be smarter than us. Oh, yeah. I would hope so. There is a chance that ultimately they're not. But I think they will be.

They could be about the same. That's the worst. That would be the worst. They're exactly the same. We're like, you don't have anything to teach us or show us or anything. Yeah, because like what do they master other than space travel, which we've done? Right. They just went farther than we have?

Maybe like 10 years more advanced. But they might just be older. Yeah. They might just be older. P.U. But as long as they – I think, yes, if they get the records, if the records are what bring them down, I think they're going to be like, these people are not threats. They are just sort of, uh, honestly,

pretty into themselves. Totally. They don't really, they're not here to fight me. Speaking of fighting, um, Anya is throwing punches at me for us to take a break. Anya's like,

like getting ready to box. So I feel like we should maybe take a little break. And we're back! Ha ha ha! Ah! I feel like we should maybe take a little break. And we're back. EJ's really excited because he just threw the break. So we were celebrating. Yeah. Celebrating a little too hard.

I'm touching. I'm touching I'm touching it really is crazy well actually let's ask not what's next on your records but rather what's definitely not on your records what is something that you would want to delete from the records

all together the sound of a heavy ceramic all together. The sound of a heavy ceramic mug falling from cabinet height onto a kitchen floor. Yeah. Oh my God. It's so jarring.

Even if you see it happening, like if you were the one that knocked the mug and it falls like you the sound is still it's so you that half a

half a moment of anticipation when you see it fall and you know you there's nothing you can do and you're like it's gonna make that sound

it's gonna shatter into a million pieces and it's gonna be loud yeah it's gonna be loud and dangerous yeah yeah

loud and dangerous you're gonna be responsible for the pieces for who knows how long. It might be somebody's favorite mug. Probably is if it's a heavy ceramic one, to be honest. Heavy ceramic, it's usually, there's sentiment there. Yeah. There's sentiment there.

You think? It's not a mug from Great and Bare. I'm not talking about a mug from Great and Bare. No, no, no, no. That's there just to look nice. I'm talking about a mug from Great and Bare. No, no, no, no. That's there just to look nice. I'm talking about a mug that was given as a gift. Yeah.

Like a mug that's like made several moves with a person. You know, like you're like that's the, we have to keep that mug. They've wrapped that mug in bubble wrap before

and you broke it. Especially a mug that has survived for a long time. Yeah. And then it's you that breaks it? You might as well just move out

you might not even live there that's the worst part you could be a guest oh god oh my god i didn't even think about that have you ever had somebody have you ever broken something like that or in a similar situation with somebody and they bring it up a lot as a joke yes but you can tell it's not yeah it's like you would have forgotten about this if it was a joke. I was subletting an apartment in New York and I actually didn't really know the other person that was living there. And I broke a wine. It might turn on you. Just be ready for that. I don't know.

I haven't spoken in years because of this. No. Because of other stuff. I broke her holiday themed wine glass. Of which there was one. Of which there was one. But listen, this was the tackiest thing

I'd ever seen in my life. And that's not my place to say. So you broke it on purpose. I did not bring it on purpose. I broke it on purpose. First of all, it was tacky. Second of all, I hated it. And third of all, it was tacky. Second of all, I hated it. And third of all, it was really easy to knock it off the shelf.

But to me, it looked like the kind of thing that you'd be like, I guess I'll keep this around because it is a wine glass functionally, but it's horrible to look at. It was like a wine glass, but it had a little painted Santa on the side. It was like, I'm doing them a favor. Did you ever see it in use or it was just sitting there so you have no idea it was sitting there because you were subletting so you didn't know i didn't know the relationships like there was this is this brought

out at christmas time and like now it's time to have is this the ceremony christmas open right yeah i'm like i didn't know what this i was like it's probably a toy basically or something they hope yeah we'll be gone soon Something they acquired from a will. Yeah, something that they feel obligated to keep around. I don't know. Look, I wasn't thinking about any of that. Honestly, I was drunk when I broke it. Please, mom, I leave.

My ugliest wine glass for my ugliest granddaughter. I hope you'll find a man someday. I give my pretty things to my pretty granddaughter. And my ugly things to you, Susan. My ugly granddaughter. And be sure to, when you print it up, underline ugly. Yeah. So when she reads it.

Oh, Susan. Susan's disgusting. God, yeah. she is ugly though no I mean that's objectively she is yeah yeah subjectively ugly yeah

like if you did one of those filters that shows you like the symmetry it's like yeah yeah I mean yeah and it's like she knows like she's talked about that too

but so she's really upset about the mug the glass oh so yeah so I was expecting it to be honestly the kind of thing where she's like oh it's fine it's a wine glass whatever

like maybe maybe like oh. It's a wine glass, whatever. Like maybe, maybe like, oh, could you get another wine glass? But she was like, I texted her about it because she wasn't even in the apartment. She was like, oh, that wine glass meant a lot to me. Could you find, this was July. It was July. Could you find another Christmas themedthemed wine glass, please? Not even an identical one?

No, just like another similar one. Come on. I have questions. I have questions. I have questions. I have questions. I have questions. I was 19, so I was like, yeah, yeah, totally. I'm so sorry.

And I went everywhere in New York City trying to find a Santa-themed... Did you try the internet? Not to be... You know? No. It feels like you could get a Christmas theme to anything, any time of the year nowadays. Look, to be honest with you, it didn't occur to me once.

Did you go there? Until this moment. It didn't occur to me once. I panicked. I went to like... If someone said, let me... This is the big difference between me and EJ. If someone said... let me, this is the big difference between me and EJ. If someone said.

What year was this? I was 19. So what year is it now? 2022. This is 2017. You would go to the, if someone had in 2017 said, Shelby, I need you to, that meant a lot to me. Can you find a similar one? Yeah.

The first thing I do is Google tacky Christmas wine glass search. Right. And then Google spits out, I don't even go to the shopping tab and already it spits out seven shopping options at the top. I would do image first. Yeah. And see if any looked exactly like this one. Yes. Then you scroll down and you see, now, great, that's perfect.

Do they make that for sale still? But instead you went to that christmas bar and you try to do an oceans 11 style i went heist of a single glass that would have been even smarter than what i did i went to the italian the italian market is that what no that's philly isn't there something in new york that's like an italian yeah i'm sorry i don't know where I am right now they're like I went to God it's not big Italy

that's the country how many Italy's are there? there's regular there's Persian Italy there's there's there's there's

there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's

there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's

there's there's teeny tiny Italy of course that's why I call my house just kidding I'm not Italian so you went to Little Italy

and you're like hey Catholics you said you said anyone heard of Christmas in July I need a glass and I need it now

basically honestly basically I went up to like a shop owner and was like hey here's what I'm looking for and he was like

why king I love him already. Yeah. This is a man who knows what he sells. Yeah. But I just searched around. I found something that was like, I think the closest thing I found was not Christmas themed.

I think it was like maybe had stars on it. She wasn't happy. To say the least, she wasn't happy. I mean, stars figure prominently in the story of Christmas. Yeah. Right? And Hanukkah honestly it's

well light festival of even um ah hmm so I think deleting

deleting the sound of something shattering especially something sentimental I was an art major in college brag and

I did a lot of pottery and even just the sound of like I guess maybe mine's a little bit more emotional because people like made it college, brag. And I did a lot of pottery. And even just the sound of like, I guess maybe mine's a little bit more emotional because people like made it. But the sound of something falling off a shelf in that studio haunts me to this day. Sure.

Concrete floor? Yeah. Yeah. Because you got to be able to mop that boy up. Yeah. And it was just like, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Especially if it was like they had done first firing and they were going to glaze it and it dropped at some point in that.

It was just like, that's way too late. I mean, it's too early. It's like, that's a waste of time. Yeah. And you did all the letting it dry, all of that. And you never got to put water in it. Yeah. Because it would have crumbled. Crumbled. It would have become clay again.

The worst fate for a mug that I can think of. To make it out of clay into something that's useful and then to be turned back to clay. Imagine how the clay feels. But you know, remember a man that thou art dust

and to dust thy shall return. To be the clay, to be like for for a moment, I was almost mug. Yeah. Almost. I was almost a mug. Now I'm back to being mud. Wait. Turn that G upside down.

Should be a children's book. It works. That's beautiful. If you take the word mug and turn the G upside down, what do you get? Mud. It works. Visualize it in your head. Listeners, if you're in your car, pull over.

It's a real driving moment. I need you to visualize something. Absolutely. The word mug. Now, imagine you're one of those people who draws a G with not a big tail. Now, flip it upside down. Imagine your D is. Your G, rather, is it's round on one side and then a straight line on the other side. Like a Q.

No one draws it like that. But if you do a short little tail. Short. How do you know no one draws it like that? I feel like sometimes I do if I'm going quick. I like to do a big loopy loop. I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, you know.

What are you doing? No No I don't buy that I will show you some of my handwriting I would like to see some samples What are you doing Wait the other day I was on something and someone mentioned Ramona From Real Housewives of New York Not Ramona Quimby

Not Ramona Quimby The only other Ramona I know No Ramona from Real Housewives of New York. Not Ramona Quimby. Not Ramona Quimby. That's also what I was thinking. The only other Ramona I know. No, Ramona from Real Housewives. And I had found a calligraphy pen in my desk drawer that I had been playing around with. And then I found myself just writing Ramona over and over and over again. Beautiful. On a piece of paper. And then I was in a meeting with a girl named Ramona.

Oh, no. And I was like, if she sees this piece of paper, I'm going to be arrested. I'm the craziest person in the whole world. Ramona, Ramona, Ramona. Wait, you were doing this at the meeting? I was doing it before, and then it was in another meeting later with Ramona, and I was just still half out. You still had this, okay. And I was just like, oh, my God.

I feel crazy. Was it on a pad? No, it was actually on a piece of mail that was wrongfully delivered to my home. Come arrest me if you dare. Seriously. I didn't open it. I just drew on the book.

Imagine if that got to its rightful owner. Ramona, Ramona, Ramona. What does this mean? I literally think if anyone ever saw that book. Am I being targeted it over. Ramona, Ramona, Ramona. What does this mean? I literally think if anyone ever saw that. Am I being targeted for something? Ramona, Ramona, Ramona. I would go to jail.

Yeah. Is this the scariest piece of paper I've ever seen and I did it. People would be Googling like Ramona, terrorist organization. Ramona, attacks on Ramona. Ramona. Yeah.

Anyway, well. What is next? What else do the aliens need to see? This is what I like a lot is a beach towel being put out for the first time. Like snap it out for the first time. Not after it's all covered with sand. Not when you're trying to get the sand off. No, that's miserable. That's miserable.

That's nightmare stuff. But when you finally get there, look, I love the beach. Hard to get there. Is there a bigger pain in the ass than going to the beach? It's so hard. It's so hard. And you're never able to, there is never, unless you're really wealthy and you live there. Right.

Yeah. There is never an easy way to park wealthy and you live there. Right. Yeah. There is never an easy way to park and just get straight to the water. No. You're walking with six chairs. Yeah. Two coolers. Oh, my God. The carrying the cooler.

What was the last one? God forbid if you surf. God forbid if you surf, yeah. Because I do sometimes and it's really hard to carry a board if you're not good. I'm not good, so I have to have a long foam board. Those are really long and they're heavy. That's cool. That's really cool.

Yeah. No, it felt cool that you said it that way. I just wanted to apologize. Can you get up? Yeah, I can get up. Okay, that is cool. On a long board. If you give me a short board, no. See, I don't even know Okay, that is cool. On a longboard. If you give me a shortboard? No.

See, I don't even know what these things mean. Yeah, a longboard's easier to balance. You don't know what a long and short mean? EJ. I'm learning. This is different than the elephant seal thing. I had never seen an elephant seal. It's not like you said longboard and blueboard. Who knows what

a blueboard is? And how would you figure it out? No, a long board is longer, so it's easier to balance. A short board is shorter, so you turn a lot easier. So if you're not that good, you lose control very quickly. Totally. Right. But you can stand up.

Yes. It's impossible to me. I've never even tried it. I've never tried it. I have a lot of friends who surf, and it always just seems to me to be absolutely impossible. Yeah. That's okay. I've seen it done.

I guess it's possible. Me and my girlfriend went. She had never gone, and we were in Central Coast, like a Morton. No, not. Where was I? What's it called? Something Bay. God, please don't ask me.

Big Sur. No. I can't remember what it's called. Half Moon Bay. Bath and Bay. What? Half Moon Bay? No.

I'll figure it out, but the... Okay. This is so awkward. I'm sorry. This always happens. Why? Same thing with the Bay or different it's always the bay yeah

yeah guys I don't always remember the names of the places I go I forgot that you could hear us and now I'm mortified yeah I figured you might be that's why I joined in

no but wherever I was which could be anywhere yeah we my girlfriend had never served before and I was like oh we should she wanted to I was like which could be anywhere, my girlfriend had never served before, and I was like,

oh, she wanted to. I was like, we should take a class. We get it. You have a girlfriend. Yeah, geez. Shelby. So me and my girlfriend went to take a class, and then when me and my girlfriend got to the beach,

me and my girlfriend were surprised because me and my girlfriend get there, we're the only adults there. It's me, my girlfriend, and then a bunch of eight-year-olds. And that sucks. It then like a bunch of eight-year-olds. And that sucks. It's like a bunch of instructors that are my age, and then me

and my girlfriend, who are their age. My girlfriend and I are the same age as the instructors because my girlfriend and I are, again, the adults. And then a bunch of children. And it was horrible to watch them give the same amount of attention to my girlfriend as they did to an eight-year-old. For them to be like, all right, you can do it.

Oh, no. Why was it a mixed age class? That feels like someone's mistake. I want to take it again and I want it to only be adults. Yeah. That seems like two very different sorts of lessons. Yeah. Because you're still learning.

First of all, low center of gravity. It's going to be hard for them to fall once they get up. Yeah. First of all, yeah, they've gotten an advantage. So making you look bad. But worse, they can't swim as good. They've been doing it less long. No.

Right. They have survival skills maybe. They've been doing it less long. I don't think that you should be allowed to surf until you're old enough to do karaoke. Uh-huh.

Thank you for saying that. now is much younger than it used to be. Famously so. Yeah. But you can surf with your parent. If you can both get on the board and stay up,

then you can move in sync. But you have to be in a kids-only class. Yes. Kids-only class. Kids-only class. I can't believe we even have to talk about this.

Because again, me and my girlfriend were there with a bunch of kids just being my girlfriend with the kids. Just you and your girlfriend with the kids.

Were any of the kids dating each other? A lot of them were siblings. Oh. But I do think there was some flirting between some of the non-siblings.

Sure. It was like, you know, they're all... I live for surf goss. Yeah, well, they're out there on the waves. That's why we asked you on. They you know, they're all... I live for surf goss. Yeah, well, they're out there on the waves. That's why we asked you on.

They're waiting for the perfect wave. I knew you'd be into it. Also, there was something so embarrassing about this class because they also were like, they wanted us all to be friends. What? No.

It's like, my girlfriend and children. Yeah. And so then they were like, all right, we're all going to get on this wave together. Party wave. No, no, no and get up on the board with like seven year olds and then they would fall they're getting younger well they had siblings that were eight and then and then they there was

like one that one girl who i just have to remember like kept just eating shit. She was falling left and right. She's a child. And she would come up and be like, I feel like I was close that time. And we were like, sure. Like, I don't know why. I don't think I should be interacting with you. It feels crazy to be making friends with you in this class.

Do you think when it's all adults, they say party wave in a more serious tone? Yeah, they're like, this is going to be a party wave. We're all going to do this together. It's a party wave. They go tone. Yeah, they're like, this is going to be a party wave. We're all going to do this together. It's a party wave. They go, when we all do this together, that's going to be a party wave. So if you guys can take this a little bit more seriously, we're going to party on this wave. But the kids were all like, party wave. I was like, I guess.

It's a party wave. And you also don't want to be the lame adult who's like, I'll sit out on the party wave. So you have to get up on the party wave. Oh, my God. I'm not going to not get on the party wave. I have social anxiety. I'm not going to get on the party wave. So you have to get up on the party wave. Oh my god, I'm not going to not get on the party wave. I have social anxiety. I'm not going to get on the party wave. I need to go smoke a cigarette.

Can't be on the party wave. It's like, I have to. Honestly, the only reason I haven't quit yet is because I don't know what I would do if I didn't have it as an escape hatch. It's almost like a rich A. Helps me deep breathe. Right. Skate patch. It's almost like a rich A. Helps me deep breathe. Really. Yeah.

So putting out a towel on the beach. Yeah. You flick it out. You want to video? Do you want to video to them or do you want to package up a towel for them to put out themselves? Give them an opportunity. We could just stand up there too. I would like to send up the sound and a towel

and see if they figure it out. Obsessed. And a camera. They have to GoPro it. Just so that you can see. I assume they would. I mean, but they're not stupid

as we were hoping. Yeah, if they're not stupid. Well, you're hoping that they're stupid. No, I have a lot of hopes for them and I'm open to a lot of possibilities. I hope that if they're mean, they're dumb.

I hope that if they're nice, they're smart. That sounds like a bad combo, actually. No, if they're mean. No, if they're dumb and mean, they won't have the capability to, like, fight us the way that they need to. Do you remember January 6th? We were just talking about this. Yeah, they didn't succeed. They didn't succeed.

But they should have gotten as far as it did. Yeah. That was like a really cool day. Shelby. I'm kidding. Everyone knows I'm kidding. This is always. I couldn't get there.

This has come up multiple times. I couldn't get there in time. I wanted to be there with my friends. She's like, no. I wanted to be there

with all those realtors. I wanted to be there with them. I wanted to be there. I thought, like, who does, it's history. Yeah. I wanted to be there all those realtors I wanted to be there with them I wanted to be I thought like who it's history yeah

don't you want to be a part of history I don't care what side you're on that was history and I want to be there you should want to be a part of history

yes good or bad any side yeah as long as it's history but yeah I couldn't make it so that's a part of history I'm not a part of

I was on Twitter yeah and that's history. But yeah, I couldn't make it, so that's a part of history I'm not a part of. I was on Twitter. Yeah. And that's history right there. Real keyboard warrior, huh? Yeah. I was like, no,

stop. I was like, are you guys seeing this? My tweets on January 6th were, no, stop. Don't storm the Capitol. You're so sexy. Yeah,

you're so sexy. Yeah, you're so sexy. Do you know what I wish I had done on January 6th while that was all happening? Was tweet about it like I was the only one seeing it and keep saying, I don't know why no one is talking about this. Hello? Hello?

I wish. Like zoom in on my TV To make it look like I'm taking a picture From there Be like Uh yikes Bad news

You guys are gonna go crazy When you find out about this Yeah Um Here's what's happening At the Capitol Threat I wish I had

I I wish there was someone Who was Had enough power that people would actually pay attention to this, but that they were like, change of plans,

we're going here instead. And it did like, trick a couple people. Wouldn't that be funny? Like if it was James Woods or something. Yeah, like he was like,

wait, wait, wait, don't go to the Capitol. We're going to like, the Pentagon instead. And like five people show up there being like, we're going to go to the reflection pool and like five people show up there being like

We're gonna go to the reflective pool and go pee pee. Oh, a fist. Stop it! Stop! Stop the count! Oh, stop the count. Can we make that just a clip? Drop?

Stop the count. Stop the count Stop the count For real Seriously It's been going way too long We've been going for so long Stop the count That's me about Dracula

Oh my word Did you hear that? Yeah You guys getting this? Jeez I'm so sorry, guys. Sometimes you guys give me too long on a mic. That's on you.

You guys keep wanting to hear, and it's going to be a problem every time. What else should we let them... Are you mad at me at me no he's mad at me it's different it's i can tell the energy this is this one is perhaps controversial oh god oh god oh god to follow up me saying i was pro january 6th i'm anti-January 6th. Okay, no one believes you. When I was- We should skip it, like the 13th floor. When I was little and watching Sesame Street, there was a, I don't think it's fair to say,

skit. Oh, yeah. That involved two aliens- We prefer sketch. Who were trying to figure out what things were. They come to Earth and they looked very alienated. They had like eyes on stalks, I think. And they had these big mouths that when they were scared,

they would put their mouth over their eyes to hide. Yucky. Rude. When I think of them now, they're very cute looking. Oh, okay. But at the time, when I was watching it as a little kid, they couldn't say anything. They didn't seem to have their own language. But they would look at things, try to figure out what they were.

One of them was a phone. It's like an old rotary phone. And then they're looking at the phone and they're making a little noise like. And then the phone rings and they lose their fucking mind. And they're freaked out and they're like running around. They're hiding their faces and everything. In their mouth. In their mouth.

And then one of them says book. And then they both start saying book, book, book, book, book, book. And they get out a book, which is the sort of glossary of Earth things. And so they discover that it's called a phone. And they start saying phone, phone. And that's all I remember. They're very scary to me. But when I think of them now, I think they're very precious.

And I would like to see them in person. Okay. think they're very precious and i would like to see them in person okay i think it's only fair to include some depiction our perception of alien life and you want it to be one of the flattering ones yeah i want it to be one that you know it's sort of like can you believe that little kids were scared of this yeah well because we've talked before about, what was it? Attack of the Martians? Or like Alien?

Attack of the Martians? Mars Attacks. I can't believe I couldn't make that leap. Attack of the Martians? Well, Paul, what you need to know is I made that mistake before with the exact same thing. And they also reacted that way. So it isn't you.

It's me. The Chris Pratt gif. I just don't know why that keeps happening to me. It keeps happening to me. Parent Trap, you have shot by shot, but that we can't get. I love that. Just that title. I just want to say I me parent trap you have shot by shot but that we can't get I love that just that title I just want to say

I was with you like the whole time like I was like there so Mars attacks Mars attacks okay um

an alien both ugly depictions of aliens yes scary those guys look at them okay so we've pulled up a...

Oh, so they are cute. Right, they're cute. They're really cute. They're cute. I wish I had one. Look like that? Oh. They are cute.

I wish I looked like that. Wait a minute. I really wish I looked like that. Okay. Fuck. I have a lot of thinking to do. We all do I think it's important

that we show them good ways that we see them and not the bad ways that we see them like an E.T. yeah like I don't want to see E.T. is good you would say yeah

I think so yeah yeah but then like alien Sigourney Weaver Sigourney Weaver alien Sigourney Weaver no she's not the alien no but she's an alien

yes aliens are attacking her we should definitely show them Sigourney Weaver let's not let them see alien? Sigourney Weaver. No, she's not the alien. No, but she's an alien. Yes, aliens are attacking her. We should definitely show them Sigourney Weaver. Let's not let them see it. But if we set that up and we're like, you guys are going to do this, right? With a little sub. You're not like. A little sub. No, that's like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a side by side of all the ways that we've depicted aliens. Yes. And one side is good and one side is bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're like E.T. Family. Good. depicted aliens and one side is good and one side is bad we're like et family good although in the movie et human beings don't treat et that well except for one kid right

so actually we don't want them to watch the movie et just the end just the end yes just the end or just the scenes with the boy like just be right here we want them to see that of course yeah oh it's gonna cry have have you seen the video of i can't remember his name the actor who plays the boy and thomas the audition the audition is one of the best performances i've ever seen by a human person and he's like six i know it's amazing he gets it he gets the job in the room how could they not i mean that kid no and i job in the room. How could they not? Does that still happen? I mean, that kid. No. And I think the only way it could is if they gave that exact.

I've watched that like 18 times. Yeah. Yeah. It's mesmerizing. That's crazy. Yeah. Talented. He's still at it every time.

He's in all of my Flanagan projects. He's in Haunting of Hill House. Haunted of. Haunting of Hill House. Haunting of Hill House. He's in all of my Flanagan projects. He's in Haunting of Hill House. Haunted of. Haunting of Hill House. Haunting of Hill House. He's in The Haunting of Bly Manor. Bly Manor. He's in Midnight Mass.

He's in the next one coming up, House of Usher. He started doing spooky stuff. Yeah. Sinister. My guy started being spooky. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's in Doctor Sleep. He plays sort of the Jack Nicholson character from The Shining.

And that does a pretty good job. My guy's got spooky. My guy's got spooky. My guy. My guy. Well, it's like he was like, you know what? I think he's so talented. I'm his biggest fan.

I think he's so talented that he was like, I don't want to play just a normal guy. I have to play a spooky guy now. Because that's a little harder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think spooky guy, yeah, spooky guy seems hard. I'm a normal guy. I have to play a spooky guy now because that's a little harder. Yeah. You think spooky guy? Yeah. Spooky guy seems hard. Sometimes play a normal guy in spooky times.

Yeah. Hard. Oh, normal guy in spooky times. There's a lot of emotion in being like spooked out. There's a lot. Yeah. One of them. Stress.

Stress. Anxiety. Surprise. Sometimes remorse. People don't talk enough about how stressful hauntings are oh my god it's stressful it's like we're always like oh my god run run run like why aren't you running and it's like they're stressed out right now yeah like give them a second like they're really stressed out yeah like they can you think that fast like when you're stressed out

literally like there's a ghost in the house like just give them a second yeah how about a car almost hit you and stopped like two inches away from you. Yeah. And then somebody comes up to you and says, have you done your taxes yet or what? Right. Like shut up. It's like there are like animals that are behaving really weird right now. And so it's like you just have to kind of like take that in and like think like what does that mean?

Is that me? Am I? I don't know. I said like am I hot? Yeah. Yeah. You have to take in the environment. And then you want them to just like go to their job. Right. And it's like you forgot to put the stuff up, the report in my home. Yeah, yeah. You have to take in the environment. And then you want them to just go to their job.

Right. And it's like, you forgot to put the stuff up, the report on my desk. It's like, yeah. A million years ago, we used to bury people with like a little bell or whatever. It's like a buried alive. And then imagine if you were like, you were like ringing the bell. You're like, get me out of here. And then they get you out of here.

And somebody says something stupid like, oh, we thought you were dead like yeah yeah i was a minute i also thought i was dead like i was like and then i was like i don't know if i want to get out of here like have you ever been in a coffin like it's just like it's like pitch black people are just like expecting people who are like in really like if you're being haunted like just give yourself a second to breathe like honestly take care of yourself like take care of you prioritize your own mental health need it it's like the mask in the airplane uh-huh when there's a baby help yourself and you're the and you're the person and you have to the baby's gonna be fine then you do the baby's gonna be fine the baby's gonna be totally fine and so when you're being when you're being haunted first you say but because you if you're haunted with somebody

else you can see it's getting to him even though okay i'm being haunted yeah and then go be a parent yeah yes you're a person first you when you become a parent. Yeah. Yes. You're a person first. When you become a parent, you do not lose your humanity. No. You guys. No. No. That's why when we had our kids, we had five kids, and I spent a lot of time in the car and the driveway just sitting out there.

I'm going to say nine hours a day. Yeah. Crying and stuff. Good. Like sitting out there like crying and stuff. I'm like, that's good. Sometimes. Yeah, good. Crying and stuff. Good. Like sitting out there and like crying and stuff. And like that's good. Sometimes crying, sometimes laughing. Oh.

Really loud. You have to remember to laugh. Yeah, sometimes you can't help it. Right. Sometimes I start and I can't stop. Sometimes like in the worst moments, like that's when you laugh the hardest. Oh, yeah. Church giggles.

Because it's like a juxtaposition. Church giggles. It's like, oh, I'm so sad. I'm so sad. I'm so scared. I've got to laugh. I wanted to say a church giggle. Church giggles. It's kind of like church giggles. Church giggles. It's like, oh, I'm so sad. I'm so sad. I'm so scared. Did somebody say church giggles yet? I wanted to say it.

Church giggles. Church giggles. It's kind of like church giggles. Church giggles. Like church giggles. Oh, you know what? Put that on the record. Church giggles.

Church giggles. On the record. Church giggles should be on the record, yeah. A video of a mass and just like three kids in one row just being like. Church was so funny. It was so funny. It's like, and God is he was so funny it's like it's like it's like

it's like it's like it's like it's like and God is inside of you and they're like inside of me oh shit

kids are awesome they're great oh my god they're great love them they're nuts so we're putting um

Sesame Street Aliens on there yes to give them just like an idea of like hey sometimes this is what we think you look like. Are you guys like this? And if you're not, no worries. Like no pressure to look like this.

And if you can shape shift, you can come down like them, but you don't have to. Yeah. That would be incredible. Like, let's look like those guys. They seem to like them. Come on, we sent them up. Like they were like, this is what we think maybe. Like of all the alien depictions that we've seen, because I think if they looked like

E.T., it would be like, that's almost disappointing that it was that close. Yeah. If they look like alien, it's terrifying. Right. You know? Yeah. If they just look like regular humanoids, it would be like, eh. But if they look like the aliens from Sesame Street, I think that would be pretty good.

I would love that, yeah. I'm good with that. Those guys file off a spaceship? Hello. And they're all just going, book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book. I'd bring them a book. Which book? What book are you bringing?

Well, phone book. Okay. Duh. First. And they'd be like, get it? Do you get it Well, phone book. Okay. Duh. First. And they'd be like, get it? Do you get it? They're like, not quite. No, we saw the skit.

We don't, we didn't, it didn't help us know what a phone is. Yeah. They were like, oh, you want me to make a phone call? Yeah. Do you need us to call someone for you? What if they called everyone on the phone book? And they were just like, we're here. Checking in.

Yellow. That's the way to do it. Yeah. Hey, guys. There's no cell phone numbers in the phone book, right? No. Do phone books even exist anymore? Yes, they exist.

Yeah, they do. It's mostly businesses now i feel like but um it would be so funny if they called and there was it was like a like a phone banking situation they were all having a call but there was like a couple of them who had like really long call like they were just like god yeah no the journey here was crazy and they're like what have you been up to and they're like what are you talking about they're like for anyway so we're just sort of looking for stuff to do now imagine if you were an alien you come to a planet and you're announcing like we're superior intelligence we're here and then this other person's the person on the line is really chatty and they

won't start complaining about their neighbors or whatever yeah yeah it's like when do you hang up right how do you get off that call they're like we're smart that does sound frustrating yeah we got here no i get that i mean if i had we are here we alien life are here like you've granted the premise like you you accepted what i told you but now you're just talking yeah there's always about them i'm gonna go like how do you get off gracefully i'm gonna this is a question i ask myself all the time i have a lot of calls to make yeah yeah i have a lot of calls to make a lot of calls and you can imagine i have a lot of calls to make yeah i can imagine it's been a while since i've been down here first time ever actually so i gotta make a lot of calls to make. As you can imagine, it's been a while since I've been down here. First time ever, actually.

I got to make a couple more calls, but I hope that we get to connect while I'm in town. Yeah. Do you think that they would want to meet every single person on earth? I hope not. There's so many duds. Yeah. And they also- What if they gave us a definitive ranking?

I feel like we're being gossiped about what the fuck is going on over there we're all looking over there just so you know it's impossible not to look over there

when you start making a lot of movement in the last minute what's going on they go just let them talk through it I heard the phrase don't tell them

yeah I heard I know that it's about the time because they grabbed the they grabbed the clock they looked at it together I know that it's about the time. I heard. Because they grabbed the, the, the. They grabbed the clock, they looked at it together.

Yeah. And they put it back on the table. Frantically. If you guys ever want these episodes to be shorter, just know that Anya and Casey are on your side. They really want them to be just a little bit shorter. I don't know if that's what Casey wanted. It is.

Oh, wow. This is not how I wanted this to go. No, Paul, what is left on your wanted this to go. No, Paul. What is left on your records? Yeah, what didn't we get to? Nothing. Really?

That was it. Okay, perfect record alert. Did you take something off the records because you were nervous about the time? Maybe I was reading the room a little bit. No, what's left? No, I didn't have anything. I didn't have was reading the room a little bit. No, what's left? No, I didn't have anything. I didn't have anything. No, what's left?

Please. The tritone cell phone ring for the iPhone? Which was that? I don't remember. I just remember looking at the list. I don't go for this A1 old phone. I just remember looking at the list I would go for the same one Old phone

Do you ever have your ringer on? Ever? No Me? Yes I do I do A lot of people hate it Not to bring her back up

My girlfriend Oh my Lindsay She does not like the vibe She doesn't let her phone vibrate. So it's either always on silent or loud. I think that is unhinged. Why doesn't she like the vibrate?

That's a very specific thing. It sucks because if I call her and her phone is, first of all, if she loses her phone in her house, there is no hope because she almost always has it on mute and no vibrate. Why no vibrate? She just doesn't like it. Doesn't like it. It's crazy.

I think it's one of life's great pleasures. Me too. Me too. If I could, I want it to vibrate more. I think it's amazing. I wish it was constantly vibrating. I wish it wouldn't stay on the table. Give me, DM me. I want it to, I want my phone to vibrate. Yeah, she

has it always on loud or on mute. Alright. Okay. Is that crazy? She needs to always on loud or on mute. All right. Okay. Is that crazy? She needs to turn on the light. No, no. No, no, no. A bit too far.

That's where I draw the line. This is getting ridiculous. My dad has the light. Oh, we get it. You have a dad. Yeah, I have a dad, and he's got a phone unfortunately god

this is so embarrassing yeah that was super embarrassing this is so embarrassing does he have the light on his ring? he's got the light on his ring his phone looks like it is putting on a show

anytime he gets any kind of notification okay that's exciting you're being really critical of something I feel like is kind of magical. Sounds kind of good. But it's like he never knows how to turn it off. He's like, what's going on? Like every time.

That I love. I don't think he listens, but dad, if you're listening, I love you. He's 72. So technology, it's not the easiest. Yet he figured out how to turn on the light. He can't turn it off. He doesn't need to. No, figured out how to turn on the light. He can't turn it off. He doesn't need to.

No, he needs to keep that on actually. As his eyesight goes, it's important to keep the light on. His eyesight's fine. So far. So it's not about his hearing going, it's about his eyesight going. That's why he needs the light.

He needs the light that light is there for blind people wait yeah yeah it's actually that's actually crazy though shelby because he is really deaf and that's the first time i've thought about that that's why he has the light on it's an accessibility choice it's literally an accessibility choice dad i'm like the light is so fucking annoying j fucking annoying dad's like i literally cannot hear he's like it's the only thing that allows me to know that i'm sorry i don't want to say i'm sorry to everybody no worries what if your phone sent out a little smell if you couldn't if you couldn't hear it ring. What smell would get your attention? Fresh popcorn. That's for a text. That's not for a phone call.

You know what? Fair enough. Yeah. For a phone call. Cookies for a phone call. Cookies for a phone call. Oh, yeah. Or a full Thanksgiving dinner.

Ooh. Whoa. Yeah. That's what you said for like your uncle that you don't love, you know? It's like, oh, that makes me think of Thanksgiving. Yeah, that's what you said for like your uncle that you don't love, you know? It's like, oh, that's going to, that makes me think of Thanksgiving. Yeah. That's like a production. It's like a one-to-one.

Thanksgiving, family, him. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. Could you make that leap? Well, listen, Paul, you had an absolutely flawless record. They're going to love tortoises. They're going to love towels.

And they're never going to have to hear a mug break. And for that, we have to celebrate you. Is there anything you want to plug before we head off? Hopefully it's sold out. But maybe it's not. But

Saturday, October 15th, at the Elysian Theater, I'm doing a show called Varietopia Y'all, which is a country version of my variety show, Varietopia. Two shows, I want to say 7.30 and 10, something like that. Yeah. Gorgeous. But at the Elysian Theater, my first time doing a show there, putting on my own show there. And I'm very excited.

I can't wait. That sounds absolutely epic. Yeah. We'll go. We'll be there. We'll be there. So, and I'm very excited. I can't wait. That sounds absolutely epic. We'll go. We'll be there. Front row? If they let us. I'll take some seats off. If they let me, me and Shelby. Paul's going to be waiting for Guffman.

Are they here yet? He said they're going to be in the front row. Well, Paul, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Perfect record. We'll see you at your show at the Elysian Theater, 7, 30, and 10. October 15th, 2022. Yes, 2022.

It's this year. A lot of people don't specify that. It's this year. I will be doing shows next year, I assume. But so far, all the shows I'm announcing are for this year. Okay. So get your tickets and get on down to the Elysian, y'all. If you're out of town, you got a couple weeks to fly here.

That's right. So ask your boss for some time off work. Maybe work remote. That would be really ideal for what I'm asking you to do. Perfect. Maybe you were remote That would be really ideal for what I'm asking you to do Perfect And scene And cut That was a HeadGum Original.