Keeping Records - Don't Broke What's Not Broken

Episode Date: July 15, 2022

Hey it's Caleb and Shelbo! Back with the long-awaited Golden Record from our main girl! Shelbo takes a while to find her camera but when she does, she FINALLY sets the record straight (in a gay way): we're taking a brief chhhiatus (a Jewish break), but we will be back with new episodes in a few weeks. So don't you dare hit that unsubscribe button, because we've got so much more Keeping Recordings for you. More news coming in this feed next week. To tide you over 'til then, Shelbo's artifacts: When Two People Meet at a Revolving Door at the Same Time and Push it together (Collaboration) The Last 24 hrs at Summer Camp (Traumatic Childhood Event) Rats On the Street vs Rats People Keep as Pets (Comparison) Hanging Out with a Friend's Parent in Their Kitchen (Experience) A New Nicki Minaj Verse Specifically for the Aliens (Audio) Driving Around with your Friends Listening to Music w/ No Real Destination (Muli-Sensory Experience) When the Cleveland Caveliers Won NBA Championship in 2016 (Sports History Moment) The OC (2003-2007 Television Show) Survivor (2000-Present Day Television Show) Group Date to a Movie Theater at Age 12 (Tween Experience) Shel Silverstein (Poet/Author) Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Hello everyone! Hello!

Hello and greetings to everyone! Peace be upon you! We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth.

I would never do it with a gun. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, Subscribe so you get notified when we have new episodes and, you know, stuff. Shelby, there's not going to be any new episodes. This is the last episode. Liar. Am I lying?

Shelby, tell them the truth then. Guys, look at me. Listen. Which camera? This one. The one that's pointed directly at you and you're on. Which camera? No. Why. Listen. Which camera? This one. The one that's pointing directly at you and you're on. Which camera? No.

Why would it be my camera? Obviously, it's not my camera. God. This is why the podcast is changing. So the podcast, what we said last week was that the podcast in its current form would be ending. Ending. And that's true. And that's true.

We're going to take a short little break. A little hiatus, if you will. A little hiatus. Hiatus. We're going to take a Jewish break. A little Jewish break. Which is, of course, known as a hiatus. And then I'm going to be back in some way.

Caleb has to do stuff. Shelby's going to keep hosting the podcast like normal. It's going to come out weekly after the hiatus like normal. Same channels. Same everything. The way you listen to it now will be how you listen to it then. And I'm going to be back. And please keep listening to it for God's sake.

As a special guest, whenever Shelby and Anya and Casey will have me. That's the truth. And, you know, it'll be same, same, but diff. And we're going to love it. You guys are going to, like, literally freak the hell out. I'm in a really tough place with this change, and here's why. If the listenership stays the same and or grows, that's so good for you guys. But if it drops significantly,

it's really good for me, right? Because when it's like people are so heartbroken, they can't tune in without me. So you guys heard that. You can't let that happen. I obviously can't let that go to my head. It would be really absolutely fucking bleak. So at least listen for the next 10 episodes.

This is a completely arbitrary number but I want to say At least listen for the next 10 episodes. New episodes because for a minute in the hiatus

there'll be some best ofs. Listen to those. They're good. You'll love them. I would say best ofs do whatever and then this is completely at random

totally random selection of a number. The next 10 episodes I want you guys to stick around just to see if it sounds worse for a second. Maybe in nine more. Yeah. You're going to get on board. Stick around for 10.

And then make sure also, I would say we need at least half of you to bring a friend. Just because we're excited to share the new format with you. Because it's going to be so exciting is the thing. Yeah. Oh, my God. What are you guys going to do about the artwork? Change it. Oh, god, what are you guys going to do about the artwork? Change it. Oh my god, really?

We're going to do something where you go far into space. So you're going to be here, but you're going to be like, see that star? If you guys change it, can you make me really thin? Yeah. Snatch me up. Well, you're going to be so, so small. Okay, but even if you were to zoom in on me, I still want to be thinner. Sure.

We can make that happen. That's awesome. I can make anything happen, baby. Oh, my God. Shelby. Yeah, I can make fucking anything happen. Shelby, no. You're getting into one of your random spirals.

Guys, what you need to know getting into my records, this is my records episode. Wait, what if I'm not ready? I'm not doing that yet. I'm just saying getting into this episode, what you need to know getting into my records. This is my records episode. Wait, what if I'm not ready? I'm not doing that yet. I'm just saying getting into this episode, what you need to know about me and my space and where I'm at mentally, physically. I have one of the worst headaches you could have ever imagined. I had to take my girlfriend to the airport at 5 a.m. this morning. So that sort of plays into probably the headache of it all. Yeah. My energy is battling the fact that right here in my head,

it's as if I've been shot. She should get a town car next time she has to go to the airport. Well, I was hoping you had to go to the airport at the same time. So she could get it mine. So she can get it in yours. And I did offer. After you knew you weren't going. I would have, Lindsay, I know you're listening girl

I would have offered even if I was still going it's just that my travel got pushed okay you could have been in my car anytime girl but instead it was me

who took her to the airport at five in the morning that sucks so much so my friend asked me to pick them up from the airport last night and

was it Garbage Boyd no oh and I said okay let me ask me the day of and I'll let you know asked me to pick them up from the airport last night and is it garbage void no oh and um i said okay let me ask me the day of and i'll let you know what my plans are because you know how i've been lately no plans and uh she texted me and said well someone else can also get me they already offered and i was like definitely that yeah i mean i'm definitely not going to be contacted again about it you should have the person who already said they would do it, of course.

If someone's already given me the go-ahead, I'm not messing with perfection. Yeah. Well, you don't. You don't broke what's not broken. You don't broke what's not broken. When something's broken, you don't break it further. And you don't broke what's not broken. You don't.

When. Yeah. I mean, I said it perfectly the first time. Why mess with perfection? Folks, we're not going to mess with perfection, or to put it simply in other terms, we don't broke what's broken.

And I think you've heard that one a million times. That's one of the older sayings. Guys, spoiler, do you watch Stranger Things? I do not. Okay, spoiler. Do you guys? Yeah. Have you finished?

Yeah. Both of you? Yeah. Are you being lying? Anya, when you don't speak out loud, the listeners don't know. Anya's like communicating to us all with words, like mouthing in hands. Here's my impression of Casey and Anya in that moment. Casey said, yeah, yeah.

And Anya said. Anya said. Do you want to get into it? Anya's doing hand signals. Well, I'm just wondering if you finished. Yeah, but a long time ago because we got swingers because we were working on the Stranger Things podcast. Wow. Well, what I'm going to say is, spoiler alert, last episode of Stranger Things podcast. Wow. Well, what I'm going to say is,

spoiler alert, last episode of Stranger Things. So if you watch it, fast forward 15 seconds. And if you haven't gotten there yet. I did not expect to sob my fucking eyes out this morning about Eddie Munson. And Max, who?

I'm sobbing about Eddie and I didn't even care for the guy. He's so sad when he died. I can't believe they killed Eleven. They killed Eleven? Is it? Well, I watched it this morning.

It is extremely normcore to bring up Stranger Things. To be watching it is normcore. To bring it up is extremely normcore. I love to be part of the zeitgeist. Get the microphone off your face. I can't do it anymore. Stop. You're being so.

When Caleb quit the pod. No. When Caleb quit the pod, he put in his email. This was an email. He told me via email. Not true. That's not true. Shelby is dead set on villainizing me.

Caleb sent it in an email to like a lot of people. I just happened to be CC'd on it. And he was talking like as if I wasn't on the email. I think he didn't know I was going to be on it. You guys know me. Listeners, you know me. You know this isn't true. I think Caleb didn't think I was going to be on it.

Oh, my God. So it was like a lot about me. There was a whole section that was like there was reasons i'm quitting the pod it was the name of the email and then it was like first was like logistics like he has stuff going his schedule's busy like stuff that we all agree makes sense and then there was a section that sort of took me by surprise i don't know about you guys i don't know if this hurt you guys the way it hurt me, but it was things Shelby does that makes me want to quit the pod. And that was like, touches the mic, bees random. Touches the mic, bees random.

A Rodney Dangerfield voice at any given moment. Wait, I walked on the Rodney. Our friend Brooke, Brooke Hardnett, lives right off of the Hollywood Walk of Fame, couldn't live closer to it. I went to the farmer's market with her in Hollywood the other day. And we walked on the wrong dictator field start. No, did it feel like going home? I, well, there was a lot going on at that moment on the street. Yeah.

But I couldn't take, you know, a tasteful picture with it. Yeah. But you know I wanted to. Oh, boy. So, anyway, Shelby, what's been up with you? I wanted to. Oh boy. So anyway Shelby what's been up with you?

Yeah watching Stranger Things. I'm watching a lot of stuff. I'm watching a lot of stuff. MasterChef Junior's back. No one told me. I had to find out because

because someone was like let's watch and I went on and it was there was a new season on there. I said, what is going on? I've seen every... I was aghast. But now I'm watching that.

But also Alone, the show, also... We're just pivoting formats. Yeah, this is where... I don't go into what I watch. I just tell you what I watch. Are you doing okay?

It sounds like you're watching a lot of TV. Are you like out in the world at all? No. It's so scary out there. For real. That's true, yeah. We like earnestly just admit that it's scary in the world. Yeah, I mean, it is pretty scary out there.

Anyway, what about MasterChef Junior, I guess? That's the slice of heaven. MasterChef Junior is your slice of heaven? Anyone who watches MasterChef Junior knows that there is no joy quite like it. These kids are more talented than I will ever be in my life. It's child labor. No, they love it. No, they seriously do

love it. When they turn the cameras off, they make them make Nikes. They make them sew Nikes up. It's really fucked up. It's a fucked up show. They probably like that too. Kidding. Kidding. No, but the kids really are so talented. They make things that you couldn't even

dream of. I mean, they're out there talking about flavor combinations in their palates. It's crazy. And they're so little. Some of them are like seven. What? That's the littlest they are. Have you seen a seven-year-old?

It's little. Well, something really exciting happened to me yesterday. What? They opened a new bridge. Oh,. What? They opened a new bridge. Oh, I know. They opened a new bridge near Caleb and Mai's old house. This bridge is $508 million. It's the most expensive bridge in the United States. It's the Sixth Street Bridge connecting- It's the most expensive bridge in the United States? I read that somewhere. I would have hoped it would have looked a little better. It's really beautiful. Not like some of other bridges I've seen.

What bridges? Golden Gate. The Golden Gate Bridge? Yeah. That really is only pretty because it's on the water. Brooklyn Bridge is, well, that is a feat, but. Brooklyn. Brooklyn Bridge is a feat, but the Sixth Street Bridge is beautiful.

Have you seen it lit up at night yet? The High Line. So it's really beautiful. And they just opened it, and it connects the Arch District of L.A. to Boyle Heights. And, wow, is it something to behold. I got up there this weekend before they opened it to traffic. And there was really a lot of community up there. Everyone was smiling at each other, skateboarding, selling churros,

playing music. It was awesome. I really had a lovely time up there, and I got quite a tan. Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp. Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp. That'll be the last time I share my love for something on this podcast. That's not true. You're going to be back a lot.

I think we said that. I won't be sharing about anything I love. I won't be sharing about anything I love. I'm going to be like, you're right. Caleb loves to talk about the things he loves. It reminds me of that sound when they try to run in a cartoon, but they can't get going because they're not fast enough yet. Oh, yeah. And it's like, and then they take off.

This podcast is now a sound effects podcast. Wait, I wonder if that'll be really good on the podcast. Hold on, guys. Tell me if this sounds really good. Listeners only. Listeners only. Don't watch this on YouTube, this part. If that sounds really, listeners, comment on this stuff.

If that sounds really like someone drove fast by the microphone, you got to tell us. What's a sound also that you want to hear? What? Another sound that you want to hear. Another sound I want to hear? I want you to give me when a sexy lady just walked in the room. Oh, my God. I'm doing the sounds.

Oh, my God. You wouldn't really do that, would you? No, it's the sounds. Oh. The physicality is not part of it. Well. This was from a cartoon. If it was really when a hot lady walks into the room in real life, this is the sound.

Ew. Indigestion? Oh, that wasn't indigestion. That was just like nerves. Well, Shelby, we brought you here for a reason. We are so excited, girlfriend. We want to talk about your golden record. What would you put on there true so true things i would put on my record um um okay did you make a really long list

no it's shorter than yours i think really no i kind of thought you'd go really long oh there's quite a few on here but i got time to do again, so I don't need to get through all of them. The truth comes out. I might have mentioned this on the podcast before as a beautiful moment to me, but I want to talk about it holistically. When two people are walking through a revolving door and they see each other and they push at the same time, like they make a mental, like they make, do you know what I mean? You're walking through a revolving door and you're like, oh, they're coming. Someone slows down. Someone speeds up just so that they meet at the same time, like they make a mental, like they make, do you know what I mean? You're walking through a revolving door. Yeah. And you're like, oh, they're coming.

Someone slows down, someone speeds up just so that they meet at the same time. And there's sort of like a social contract of like, and now we push. Yeah, they give the little eye contact of there's teamwork coming up now. Yes, which is unbelievable for two strangers, especially in the way that we are nowadays. That moment to me, always beautiful. Every time I do it, I walk away going, oh. Yeah, that's deeply powerful. Well, don't get me started on how we are nowadays.

But one thing about it that's really quaint is that revolving doors have almost no reason to exist, I feel. Oh, I don't like them. Yeah, they suck. And they do scare me. They're scary. And when someone doesn't follow that like social contract of it all and you're like kind of running to make sure it doesn't like hit your ankles or something. Yeah.

I'm like, the fuck was that? But when there's just like a moment between two people that are like, we are just going to do this together. It's very quick and it makes it easier on us. It's like a dance. I love it. It's one of those times. That is part of, to me, the same thing as like meeting a stranger, having like one very brief interaction, then just like walking away and being like, oh, I'm never going to talk to that person again and being kind of sad. That actually is something that was a massive player. You and I have talked about this.

That was a massive component of my college depression and wanting to kill myself was that I could not stop being devastated about the fact that I meet so many people I won't get to talk to again. I'd like to meet someone

checking out my groceries. You're at a grocery store and you like are trying to reach something and someone like is like says or even you're not trying to reach something you're just both looking

at something and they're like they make some like small joke and you like joke back yeah and then you just kind of like walk away both having left the conversation left the interaction a little like brighter than you came into it like oh that was kind of nice and it's just like oh and then you're just like wow that person's just gone to me now they have a whole ass life that i will never know about deeply sadly sad. And if I ever do meet them again, it is unlikely that I will like clock it as someone I met at the, you know what I mean?

You know what's funny? You've probably ran into at least one stranger twice in your life. You know what I'm saying? Which is crazy. You've probably been, just based on like where we live

and cities and stuff, like you've probably like been, like I actually, one thing that when we lived in Chicago and I took the same, I would get to the train stop to get to work at the same-ish time every morning, late. And there were people I recognized. Yes, on the train that you're like, oh, we ride the train together. We go towards the same office. This happened to me about six months ago. You know about this.

I don't think I talked about this on the podcast. But Jenny Slate, if you're listening, girl, I ran into you four times in a week. It was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me because I obviously know who you are. I'm a huge fan. It was scary to me because I recognized that to you, I was a stalker. To you, I'm following you. Yeah. Well, you were following her.

I wasn't. I just kept existing in my life and I guess we should hang out because we have a lot of the same interests. We were doing all the same things.

I think this was the same week that I couldn't stop running into Kate Burlant. Similar week. Right around the same time. Right around the same area. Kate if you're listening. Kate if you're listening

you and Caleb should hang out. It seems like you like a lot of the same stuff. And I did mention this on the pod that I kept running into Kate but it happened more after the pod.

Wow. Really weird. So the next thing on my list... Okay. That is a beautiful moment that you chose, by the way. Thank you. You're gonna know that I would have mentioned something like this on the podcast. Fuck, hold on.

Can you give me a hint? No. Okay, go ahead. The last 24 hours at summer camp. Oh, Jesus, okay. Specifically involving a campfire. For my camp, it was called Closing Campfire. I know other camps have different names.

The melodrama within the last 24 hours of summer camp is unlike anything you would think it was seven funerals all combined into one. People are sobbing more than you will ever imagine. People are like near throwing up through their tears. It's also a bunch of like 15-year-olds that like didn't sleep for four days because they wanted to enjoy every minute with each other, which is ultimately precious, and then are overtired and depressed and saying goodbye to their friends, half of which all live in New York City. They will see him again like next week. I lived in Ohio. No one else in my camp really did.

That last 24 hours, I could never explain to you the way I was crying. Shelby's crying right now. Listeners, Shelby's crying right now. It was like, like you wouldn't even believe it. Oh, my God. It's a really ugly sob what Shelby's doing. But there's something specifically part of the campfire that I want highlighted in this memory or moment that I want them to see. The flames.

Exactly. The physical flames. Because usually it's sort of like a talent show. People do acts at a closing campfire. Sure. And a lot of groups of people, either full bunks or just like friends, will rewrite the lyrics to a song you never listened to and make the lyrics apply to camp. And that is one of the funniest fucking things. Call your camp friends.

Tell them you miss them. Literally shit like that. And it's like, they say all this like, live 10 months for two. Like you live the 10 months of your life only to get to the two. Like I love camp. This is not me hating on camp this is me absolutely obsessed with that place and

being such a part of that 24 hours of just like I mean it is wild and a lot of people ride the bus home together so they're all sobbing and the majority of them are together for the next like seven hours driving back to New York. I love it. I want it to be on the records. I want aliens to know that we are capable of sadness in ways that they couldn't imagine. And it could be about almost nothing. Do you worry that the aliens will think we're frivolous and kind of silly creatures? No.

Because teenager sadness is really not important. You think that, but there's also adults sobbing at this. Like, all the counselors are sobbing. It's like the entire place is the saddest place on Earth. It's like that Banksy amusement park. It's like Dismaland. It's like, it is so bleak. I feel like if someone that didn't go to the camp walked on camp by mistake that day, they would just be like, someone must have been sacrificed here last night.

And they're all depressed about it. Recent sacrifice, more sacrifices upcoming. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult.

Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. Cult. cult, cult. Cult, cult, cult, cult. Cult, cult, cult, cult. That's really fun to do, actually. I feel like I'm high right now. I don't know why.

I'm not. What were you saying? I was about to tell you that I got really high the other night and explain the gift of the Magi to people, but then I ultimately decided it wasn't that important. What is the thing you're saying? The gift of the Magi? Yeah.

Well, you really should have been there when I was high because I was explaining it really beautifully. But it's that story of the woman cuts off her hair to buy her husband a chain for his pocket watch. And then he sells his pocket watch to buy her a set of gorgeous combs for her hair. And then they exchange their gifts. Well, she has no hair for the combs. He has no pocket watch for the chain.

I mean, you know, it's just extremely. It's sad. Well, it's sad, but it's also beautiful. Right. That they gave up the things they love so much to make the other person happy. But. But ultimately got left with nothing. That's why you the things they love so much to make the other person happy. But ultimately got left with nothing.

That's why you don't do nice things for other people. Well, don't be in love because you'll end up bald and won't know what time it is. And with a comb for what?

Comb for what? Aw. That's the name of the episode. Turn comb for what? Oh, Jesus. Okay, what's next in your records?

Okie dokie. I didn't put this down Anya were you just taking pictures of us you wish Anya had her phone pointed at us what were you doing Anya just absolutely

roasted our asses what were you doing I was doing research for the pod oh Gift of the Magi related I'll tell you later I'll tell you off mic

oh is it about something confidential yes my big payout it's about how awesome this podcast is going to be in the future I'll tell you later. I'll tell you off mic. Oh, is it about something confidential? Yes. My big payout? It's about how awesome this podcast is going to be in the future. Okay. Whoa, listen up, folks. Calm down.

Calm down. Okay. This one is really short. I want... Just like you. I want to show rats on the street versus rats that people keep as pets. Ew. I want them to know that the grossest thing we have on this planet is also something people

keep in their homes by choice. No. I just want them to know. I think that's crazy. I think it's unbelievable that sometimes you go on the street, something that makes you scream with fear, a rat, is something other people keep as pets. You do know people don't have pet rats, right? Yes, they do.

No, they don't. Yes, they do. No, they don't. Do they really? So many people have pet rats. Pet mice. No, they have rats. Pet rats to the vet to get tumors. Because they get tumors really easily. Oh my god, I'm going to throw up. What the fuck? That's why I want the aliens to see us. Because it makes no sense. The scariest thing we have here. Some people are just like, wouldn't it be nice to welcome into my home and feed? Ew. It's like literally making me so scared.

I feel like there's one on me. Why, dude? I think people really like them because they're pretty smart. They're fucking gross and ugly. And people really like them. I'm sorry, but they're literally ugly as hell. Anya, come on.

I'm going in on rats right now. Can you not bang stuff around over there? I want the aliens to see probably a clip, like a gif, not a long clip, like a gif length clip that is just someone...

Shelby said millennial culture. I'm going to send the aliens a gif in Slack. I guess cheeseburger? No! No! No! I sent them...

What if that was one of my things? Was the I has cheeseburger. That is how you are. That's what it's like to try and joke around with you. Trying to text Shelby and be funny is so hard because Shelby's always

sending a gif like... I've never sent Caleb a gif. I've never sent Caleb a GIF before. You'll try to be joking around with Shelby at 3 p.m. and she'll send a picture of her – like a person like taking a nap on a desk and she'll be like, me RN. It's really hard. I've never sent that to Caleb. Will I tomorrow? Absolutely.

From now on? From now on, once a day. Wait, why are you sending a GIF? So I want it to be – it doesn't have to be, but like just a really short video. One of like someone seeing a rat on the street and being very afraid. Wow. And then someone else like

feeding the rat or like letting it crawl on them for joy. Ew, crawling on you. Ew. I want that to be side by side and I want to say these are the same animal. So that they know we can just decide one can be the house

and one can't. I want them to know that. It blows my mind. I don't think it should happen. I don't think people should have most animals. Rats, snakes. Get rid of your snakes.

Get rid of your snakes. Get rid of your snakes. Take them to the jungle or to the fire. I don't care, but Get rid of your snakes. Get rid of your snakes. Get rid of your snakes. Take them to the jungle or to the fire. I don't care, but get rid of them. They need to be gone. I don't like pet snakes. I don't like the people who do that. I think you can have a lizard.

You can have a lizard. I don't like snakes, but I like lizards. I don't like snakes because they shouldn't be able to move. Exactly. The fact that they can move is insane. Everything about a snake defies logic, and it's disgusting. Opposite of bees, which also defy logic, but they're awesome. Have I ever talked to you about how scared I get that aliens are going to come to Earth and treat us like animals?

Yes. I hate that idea. That they would just like treat us so bad. That they would come here and be like, you guys are animals to us. We're going to eat some of you and then some of you were leaving in the house with the radio on until we get home from work and maybe we'll play with you. That part sounds sick. Maybe we'll play with you. Stay home with the radio on?

That sounds sick. Not when you don't have any rights. Mine are being stripped away day by day anyway. What do you mean? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Anyway. What do you mean? Sorry. I'm sorry. No, I do know what you mean. It's really, really tragic what's going on.

It's really scary out there. Next on my list. Go ahead. Next on my list. I just want you guys to know I just caught a glimpse of Shelby's list. It's one of the longest iPhone notes I've ever seen in my life. It couldn't be shorter. You don't even scroll through it.

She said, no, it's much shorter than yours. I'm seeing like 15 entries over here. Yours had descriptions under that were paragraphs. Not true, listeners. Is true. Not true, listeners. Is true. I saw it on his phone and it was paragraphs.

I can't wait for this episode to be over. This one I think you're going to have a real kinship to. Okay. Hanging out with a friend's parent in their kitchen. Holy fucking shit. Talk about an Olympic sport that I'm a gold medalist in. That is an experience. First of all.

Get the friend out of there. Get the friend out of there. Literally be like, I will meet you downstairs. Where's your mom and dad? And hang out with the parents. Become part of their family. Yes. That was something that brought me just pure joy growing up.

I love it. Nothing made me happier than when someone would be like, you're part of the family. Like someone's mom being like, I want you to come around more or something like that. Obsess. Made me. Here's the only time I don't like hanging out with somebody, a friend's parents, is when the parent has a bad vibe. Or parents

has a bad vibe, but the specific bad vibe of trying way too intensely and for way too long to get me to engage with them in shit-talking their kid. Yeah, weird. I'm like, stop. Don't we both like your kid? What are we here for? What is going on? When they try to go way too hard and they're like, isn't Yeah, weird. I'm like, stop. Don't we both like your kid? What are we here for?

What is going on? When they try to go way too hard and they're like, isn't she so stupid? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, stop. Same, same, but diff. Same, same, but diff.

Same, same, but diff. Is when you have already established it's a friend's parent that you know pretty well. Yeah. And your friend does something bad and the friend's in the room. The parent starts reprimanding

and then using you as sort of a pawn to like, right, Caleb? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I am not. They're getting on to their kid and they're like, Caleb, I bet you don't talk to your mom like this, do you? One of the worst possible feelings in the world.

Get me out of it, bitch. Caleb wouldn't do this. Yeah. You're just sitting there having done it before. Yeah, you're like, uh. And then you have to come up with like the most diplomatic thing to say on the spot that's going to both please the parents still. Yeah. And not piss your friend off to the nth degree.

Yeah. So you're just like, you know, I think both of you have a point. Ew. Ew. I hate that. I hate that. I hate that you have to do that. It is one of the worst things. But one of the best things is really just vibing out in a kitchen.

It's always the kitchen. I don't want to be somewhere else with your mom. And it's the kitchen. It's the kitchen. Your friends in the basement or in whatever like sort of common space you have. Friends in the basement. Who knows what they're doing down there. They're in trouble.

They're like waiting for you. The funniest thing is when they come up and they're like, are you coming down? That used to happen to me a lot. I'm not coming down. I was like, I'm busy. I'm busy up here. I'm busy. I'm networking.

We're talking about the people your mom doesn't like at her work. I'm going to be up here for a while. I'm networking up here. Networking. I'm connecting with like-minded business professionals. Why don't you go back to the basement and play video games until I'm ready to come down? And you can get on your little headset and network with your little like-minded business professionals. Why don't you go back to the basement and play video games until I'm ready to come down? And you can get on your little headset and network with your little like-minded individuals

who are shooting up Halo or whatever. Why don't you go play Dance Dance Revolution while I talk to your dad about how he likes to mow the lawn? Thank you. What about that? What about that? What about us?

I want to put something on your record. Go ahead. I want to put your singing voice. Because it is beautiful. Why don't you earnestly sing for us? No. Come on, Shelby. No.

I'll lay down some piano. No. I don't know this song. Oh, it's just freestyle. You just freestyle on it. I don't know this song oh it's just freestyle you just freestyle on it I don't know this song I'm making it up I don't know how to freestyle sing

well that's fine you can rap it does bring me to something I want on my record. It doesn't exist yet. I want Nicki Minaj to write a verse to the aliens for the record. Oh. I think Nicki Minaj would have the funniest verse for an alien to receive. Yeah, I think it would be dicey. We'd have to have some oversight, I think.

Yeah, but I think it would be so funny. I mean, Nicki Minaj just has a way with words. Well, she's a comedian. She's the funniest comedian we have. She's the funniest comedian we have, genuinely. And so I want her to write a verse to Aliens. That's just sort of how she wants to welcome them. And yeah, we can make some tweaks if it's too inciting.

But. I think the best rappers are brilliant comedians. Eminem. Eminem's very funny. Really? He's really scary a lot of the time though.

Yeah, but sometimes there's some funny stuff. I mean like when he's not being crazy scary when he's like, I'm going to tie someone up and do crimes. I'm trying to think of

a funny line he has. And I'm not saying it doesn't exist. I'm just trying to think of one. I'll say, I will say I laugh every time he says faggot. I will say that to you. I will say that to you. Should he be doing it?

Probably not. Is it going to give me a chuckle? I remember the funniest thing Eminem's ever done, which, as you know, is warning shot. Warning shot. Warning shot is the best thing Eminem's ever made. When he said, if I'm embarrassing me, I'm embarrassing you too. So don't you dare. That wasn't true.

And then he said he came early on her stomach and she wanted to throw up. He says, like, I busted all over your belly and you almost started hurling. And then he's like, but listen, girly. Wait. Are you trying to tell me he's not funny? No, I'm remembering that specific diss track is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. It is so good. Yeah.

When Eminem made Warning Shot, an absolute teardown of Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey. And Mariah, frankly. I said, go off. Oh, my God. Okay my god, okay. Well, do you want to know what I think is the funniest? No, Anya. Do you think you want to know what I think is the funniest rap song of all time? Hit it.

Grillin' by Cupcake. It's so fucking funny. And we're going to hear it right after this word from our sponsors. K-Ads. You love to hear water. She starts the song. Gang, gang, gang, gang, gang. You bitches ugly and dusty and none of y'all matter. Money all on me, I'm filler or flatter. Walking this bitch, she starts the song with you bitches ugly and dusty and none of y'all matter. That's so fucking funny. All right, keep going.

There's more. Friends and listeners, what do you like? When I'm not on the chat, all the white folks keep breaking their neck. They trying to see if I'm back in the thread, but I'm covered in green. They like, look at that So funny You can't believe When I fight When I fight

I do not pull weave Only thing I'm pulling out Is teeth Iconic You gonna pause it? At one point she says Dude's so thirsty for me they'd probably drink Flint water. That is ultimately hilarious. Objectively.

I mean, that's so funny. Cupcake, you did it. Nicki Minaj is still doing my verse, by the way. Oh, for sure. Nicki can do your verse. Thank you. Cupcake's doing yours. What's your password

to your phone again? I'm sorry. I think I know it. Can I say it? It's apes. No. It's. Yeah.

Bleep that. God, I'm smart. That's just my phone password. You can have that, actually, because, I mean, it's still, but ultimately, you guys are never going to get my phone password you can have that actually because oh i mean i mean but ultimately you guys are never gonna get my phone um be careful be careful you never know don't say things like that

um i want next on my record driving around with your friends listening to music you both love with no real destination tell them tell them what you're thinking when you wrote that caleb and i did that a lot early pandemic first time moved LA. We were like learning the city. We were driving around. We were both like, I think we still are to a pretty large extent. I think we are still. I think we are still to a large extent friends. No, shocked by like the beauty of LA.

Oh, every fucking day, dude. LA is beautiful. It's also disgusting. Don't get it twisted. But when you take out like the grimy parts of like the strip malls and all that, the landscape of Los Angeles is absolutely fucking stunning. Basically, driving north or south on the two is some of the most gorgeous scenery, especially like up in the foothills. This place is fucking beautiful. There shouldn't be a city here. We should have never done that to the planet.

But then we did it, and now we're here, and it is gorgeous. So we would drive around, and we would just be like, this place is nuts, and listen to music we really loved. And it just is such a nice, like, it's comforting. You're not in a rush anywhere. It's like a nice, you're seeing things. You're scared to get out of the car because there's a global pandemic. You're scared to get out of the car because there's a global pandemic. You're scared to get out of the car.

And I think that is one of the best activities to do. You got nothing to do. Go drive around. Maybe get a fucking Frosty or something. Maybe listen to the new Chicks album the second it drops. The second it drops, get in the car, drive through towards Hollywood

for some reason. That is where we went. We did go to, get in the car, drive. That's something we did. Through towards Hollywood for some reason. That is where we went. We did go to Hollywood a lot. Yeah. Also Beverly Hills. Not on purpose. We always just ended up there. Because at the time

we lived in North Hollywood. Yeah. And it was easy to get there. Well, we always wanted to go because we lived in NoHo. We always wanted to go through the hills. Yeah.

And so we would end up sort of. Well, when you, hey, here's the thing. When you go south from the valley through the hills to Hollywood, you get spit out right in Hollywood. And then what are you going to do? That's Hollywood, baby. Go to BH.

I mean, you have to go to BH. The houses are stunning. They do have nice houses in Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills. That's where you want to be. Kimmy, Kimmy Kimmy There has never been a worse time To be someone who said

That you have a good singing voice Than to be me right now That is Do an earnest one No You know what I mean I don't know that that song Should ever be sang with Ernestine.

I think we should slow it down and put it out as a ballad for our album. Okay. Yeah, guys, when we make our album, though, you all have to stream it. Please. Anya, why do you keep putting your phone up on us? You just did it like two seconds ago. I didn't want to interrupt Shelby, but it's getting a little out of control for the last episode. Taking pics?

Memories? She just winked at me. She won't talk. It's crazy. It's so crazy sometimes. This is because some of y'all like it when we talk sports. A lot of you don't, and I get that. Most of you are gay and don't want to hear it.

2016, Cavaliers won the championship, came back from being down one game to three against the Warriors. It had never been done before. I'm from Cleveland. We hadn't won a championship in like 50 years. It was – I have never had joy like that. Also, not to make it sad, but really beautiful moment between me and my dad. Just like a really nice – such a good moment for Cleveland.

I loved that. I loved that. I loved that. And there was the block. There was the shot. There was, I mean, everything about the way that Game 7 happened up to Game 7 was crazy because we shouldn't have even gotten to Game 7. And then Game 7 happened, and it was so close. It was neck and neck. It came down to the last two possessions.

The Cavs won, ended a championship drought for all sports in the city. What a beautiful day. That is beautiful. I also biked home from the bar after that. I don't know if you should have been doing that. It wasn't very far. Okay. Okay, no worries.

And I was like screaming down the street. I was so stoked. And it was Chicago, so a lot of people were from Cleveland. If it was here, more people would be Warriors fans. Maybe we would have been able to like shut the fuck up. Why are we screaming? But in Chicago, so many people were from the Midwest that that was like, it was like people would scream to you. It was such a nice.

That was such a good day. Yeah. Faded after that. And you had never been a Cavs fan before that. You were sort of a bandwagon fan who jumped on that night. Yeah. I actually was not there to watch the game. What happened – I'm just kidding.

I was there to watch the game. It really – I generally don't care about sports. Like I do watch them. I do enjoy them. I like when the Chiefs win. That's kind of fun. I've gotten back into watching the Chiefs in the last couple seasons. But I don't generally care.

It really doesn't fuck with my day at all either way. But I was in Chicago and new to Chicago. I think maybe I was visiting. I hadn't moved there yet in college when the Cubs won the World Series. 2016. That was fucking crazy. I was bummed because that was against the Indians. Oh, was it?

Now the Guardians, correctly. Not what you say in private. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's not true. Shelby loves the name change. Sorry, sorry.

Shelby loves the name change. God, I can't wait until he's gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I was so upset because they were playing Cleveland, and it was also 2016 right after the Cavs had just won. I believe it was on the day that they were getting their rings, and I was like, how dope would it be if we won? But, you know, good for the Cubs, whatever. What? But, you know, good for the Cubs, whatever. I, um, what?

Just for the record, are you putting that specific moment on the record or just when your team wins? No, I'm putting when the Cavs won the 2016 NBA championship coming back from 3-1 against the Warriors. Steph Curry, who? Klay Thompson, who? Draymond Green, who? Sean Livingston, who? I mean, this was, I mean. Don't those, don't they have like. More championships?

Of course. Okay. Steph Curry, who? Whoa. He won last year. Yeah. This year. Well, this year.

All of them, except for Sean. He's gone. this year all of them except for Sean he's gone but the rest of them did Sean Livingston also shout outs to you it was cool

that he was in the championship at all because he had an injury that was so gruesome and crazy they said he might never walk again

and then he played in that championship series so you do have to give it up for Sean Livingston but Steph Curry who Draymond Green who he's a Steph Curry, who? Draymond Green, who?

He's a podcaster. What's up, Draymond? Anyway, I'm putting that on the records. And just so everyone knows, when Shelby and I met, she was claiming to be heterosexual. Just so everyone knows. And that was right around when this all happened. Shelby's at the bar like, come on! Let's go, Cavs!

Go! God, I wish I had a boy here right now. God, some of the guys in here are hot! What else do I have on here? The OC, the show. The OC. The OC, the show. Oh my God, we all know that one.

No. Fuck yes. You wouldn't possibly. You. The O.C. the show. Oh, my God. We all know that one. The soundtrack? No. Fuck, yes. You wouldn't possibly. Yeah. You never watched it? I don't know it, yeah. Which is crazy. The show is so good.

I watched it maybe every year from when it came out, like the whole series from when it came out until like midway through college. I watched it every year. I was just like, time to re-watch the O.C. Is this the one that was reality? No, that's Laguna Beach. Okay. This is Anna Brody,

Ben McKenzie, Misha Barton. Who plays Summer Roberts? Rachel Bilson. Rachel Bilson was a huge Summer Roberts fan. Crazy for her to be the one I forgot probably the one that I was most attracted to of all of them

um um that show was so good so much drama so much California which was such a thing I was jealous of growing up I mean I wanted to be in California so bad that was my whole issue with Zoey 101 cause I was like they go to like a

fucking awesome live in school there was a good period after Zoey 101 where I was like, they go to a fucking awesome live-in school. There was a good period after Zoe 101 where I was like, I'm going to go to Pepperdine. Because I want to be on that campus. You couldn't. I wouldn't have liked it. Because of the Catholicism.

Of the Judaism that you have. And the Catholicism that they have. Because of your Judaism and their – But the campus. You can't get mad at the campus. I'd convert. For that campus?

I'd convert. 10 Hail Marys, no problem. I went absolute opposite. I went to University of Vermont. Yeah, you sure did. Complete direct opposite actually. When you – those scientifically opposite. But the OC's so good. Also, we got to see, I literally don't have a brain today,

dated Harry Styles while she just directed him in a movie. Olivia Wilde. Olivia Wilde be a lesbian for a second. The power that that had. Again, something that definitely was hot to me, but I didn't really know it at the time. Definitely was re-watching those episodes, didn't really have a reason for it. It was just like, those are good episodes.

The story on those episodes is really powerful. It was really nice to see them be together and finally have something. Beautiful show. I've never cried so much as I have in that show. The last season was an absolute wash. What were you crying about? Well, there's a lot. Spoiler alert.

As if. Season one, Misha Barton found passed out in an alley in Tijuana. What the fuck? Season three, end of the season, Misha Barton found dead. What? After a car accident. Same song plays, and Benjamin McKenzie, Ryan in the show, carries her the same exact way, and they mirror the scenes perfectly.

I have never cried in the way that I did then. Volchuk, who ran her off the road, very hot. Thank you for being in the show. But ultimately did ruin it. And what other things did I cry about? I mean, there was so much to be emotional about in that show. I was so invested. In the last episode, last episode, Ryan.

Ryan. He's standing at a construction site. He's finally made it. His life has had a crazy story. And now he's a successful guy doing contracting work. And then he sees a kid, looks almost exactly like him. He says, hey, kid, you need any help? He's going to take in a kid like Sandy took him in. Sobbed.

Gorgeous. Wanted a spinoff. Begged for it. If I had a Twitter at the time, would have been tweeting it. Didn't have a Twitter at the time, so I kept it to myself. This, when you were talking about the end of season three when she dies, reminded me of season six finale of Grey's Anatomy, which of course we all know. Is that the bomb episode?

This is the shooting at the hospital. And it was fucking crazy. It was so fucking crazy. The bomb episode? This is the shooting at the hospital. And it was fucking crazy. It was so fucking crazy. The bomb episode was emotional for me. Well, the whole show is pretty – Emotional? Yeah, fucked up. There's always something with these people. I also think I want to put the show – I had a hard time between these two.

Either Survivor or Alone, probably not both. I think it's overkill. Okay. Let's do – I pick. Pick Either Survivor or Alone. Probably not both. I think it's overkill. Okay. Let's do. I pick. Pick. Survivor. Survivor is crazy.

It shouldn't exist. I mean, I love it and I want to watch more of it. But I hope it goes on forever. This last season, they call each team tribes and they give them pretty tough names. Yeah. I don't know any of them off the top of my head, but appropriative. Sure. And their host, Jeff Probst, always goes, coming in, guys.

This last season, he said, we need to talk about something. Do you guys think it's gender exclusive for me to say come in guys really forced moment on the show but ultimately they got rid of the come in guys but kept the tribes and tribal names

of the whole thing and the tiki's and the idols I mean they were like hold on the one problematic part we're not gonna say guys anymore if that's okay also keep come on and guys give me a fucking meal i'm starving on an island what are you talking about that part's cool because i would want to go on survivor to lose the weight god that'd be awesome i would want to go to survivor eating disorders work don't say that they do podcast. They do. They do.

Don't say that on the podcast. They do. I can talk about eating disorders. I've had all of them. And I'm just saying they work. Survivor is a show that is so stupid. The challenges they do make no sense. They'll be like, all right, get up on that little ledge and stand there for a couple hours. Whoever's there the longest, you're going to get a bag of rice today.

And they stand there and then they'll cut it together and they'll be like six hours later. And there's someone like flinch, like gets a bug on them and like goes to hit it and falls off. And they're like, great, now I don't eat dinner. It's crazy. Now I don't eat dinner, but I'm really, really tired. And they're also,

then they go home. No time for rest. because you have to strategize against everyone else about how to connive and steal from the people that are your only resources on this island. Yeah.

I love it. Put me on the show. I want to compete. I think I could get to the merge. I don't think I could win. I would give anything to see you on Survivor. I do not think,

I want to be very clear, I do not think I could win. I don't think you'd make it to the merge. I don't think I could win. I would make it to the you on Survivor. I do not think, I want to be very clear, I do not think I could win. I don't think you'd make it to the merge. I don't want you guys to think I could win. I would make it to the merge. I would make it to the merge.

I would make it to the merge. I could not get further than that. But just watching people who have like, alone is cool because they have genuine survival skills. Survivor is interesting

because they really don't. I mean, there are people who are like, how do I do this? And they are living together on an island trying to like build a home and survive. Do you think it would be kind of cool if we're going to – because it seems like we're really like full tilt going into dystopia in the world. Do you think it would be cool if we did like an actual Hunger Games?

Just because we're doing the rest of the stuff. I wouldn't want to be in it. I think I would be in it and I think I would lose really quickly. I think I would be in the Hunger Games. I think I have the charisma to be an interesting competitor and I think I would get picked from

my unit or whatever they're called. My sex segment. My area. And I think I would get picked and I think I would really my area. And I think I would get picked, and I think I would really let everyone down. I think I would get shot with an arrow pretty quick and killed. I don't know how I would do in the Hunger Games. I can't imagine very well.

I have some skills of camping stuff, but I don't think that it would serve me well in that scenario. I do know from summer camp that I'm pretty good with a bow and arrow. I am too. I won an archery competition once. I did too. I'm not bad with a bow and arrow. I am too. I won an archery competition once. I'm not bad with a bow and arrow. People need to be putting me with a bow and arrow more. Hey, everybody out there, if you have an opportunity to put me and

Shelbo with a B and arrow, if you have the opportunity to put me and Shelbo with a bow and arrow, you need to do it because we both have won competitions. That would be one plus for me. i mean i don't want to hunt down the arrows once i shoot them so but i'll try you don't want to hunt down the what the arrows once you shoot them like you know how like because you need them to keep shooting what if you have many many arrows well i think what i would ultimately do is uh find a way to make them myself so that i wouldn't have

to hunt them down yeah use what's Well, yeah, people have done that for a long time, so we could just learn probably. I think so. But yeah, I think Survivor would be a really interesting thing for them to see because it is us forcing ourselves into a survival scenario for no reason. Hilarious as an alien to see us do. Yeah. And then, not only that, but while already trying to survive on an island, also then, like,

holding your hands above your head for six hours for no reason. Yeah. Well, not for no reason. It's for a bag of rice.

But you've already put yourself on the island for seemingly fun. You're being so unkind to everyone around you. And then, in pursuit of it all, you're also just like

on the tiniest little platform of all time just like waiting for someone else's hands to fall. You're sobbing. You're sweating. It's so hot. You're losing,

I mean, there's no show doing it like Survivor. I want you to be on. I really want you to be on. My mom really wants to be on. She auditioned three times. I do not think you'd do well,

but I want to see you on there. I would make it to the merge because here's the thing. How many people get to the merge? Well, it depends on the season. I think you'd make it to the merge. Thank you, because here's the thing.

I'm athletic enough to not be a liability, but I'm not so athletic that I'm a threat. That is a big component of Survivor. You don't want to be so good that they're like, well, if she makes it past the merge, she's going to beat us all. I'm a threat. That is a big component of Survivor. You don't want to be so good that they're like, well, if she makes it past the merge, she's going to beat us all. I'm not

there. I'm not that girl. But am I going to lose a challenge for the team? No. So you don't need to get rid of me because I'm not going to be a liability. I'll get to the merge. Once it's past merge and I'm competing for myself, there's no chance I win. I don't have it in me to like strategize in the way that they all do against each other. I don't know how to do it. Every time I watch it, it stresses me out. I've almost been moved to tears by how they treat each other. You're pretty vicious.

Not in that way. I'm sarcastically vicious. Exactly. Anya, Anya, yes. Anya's literally shaking her head. Anya, I do nothing but show you love. Anya. I think it's good. I think when you want something, I do nothing but show you love. Anya! I think it's good.

I think when you want something, you figure out how to get it. Yeah, I think you're very manipulative. I get to the merge. I get to the merge. I get to the merge. I think you make it to,

how many rounds are before the merge? It depends on the season. I think you make it past the first round. No, I get to the merge. Shelby,

I'd say your final five. Casey, can we be realistic in the room? I'm getting five. Casey, can we be realistic in the room? I'm getting to the merge. Can we be realistic in the room? You don't even know how the show works. I know that you're not standing up there for the rights that long.

But that only comes after the merge because before the merge, it's team challenges. It's like we're all fighting together, like throwing something into a bucket while someone else is pulling a rope. It's like I can do both of those jobs. You only go off the show if you're voted off the show. So you can fall off the platform.

I think Shelby could be final five. Final five? Casey, I will never get to there. I don't know what you're doing with that. I want to go on. I don't think I'm going to win, so Jeff, you don't even have to worry about me taking the money.

I'm not coming to win. I'm coming for the merch. Jeff, we know you listen. Come on, guys. Jeff, we know you listen. Come on, guys. Jeff, we know you listen. But I will say you don't get to call me as part of a tribe and you don't get to call me any name that I feel is inappropriate. You don't get to call me as part of a tribe. Actually, the one thing you can call me is guy.

For real? Call me guy as much as you want. I do not care. But as soon as you're like, Shelby, go join your tribe, I draw a line. Yeah, what is going on with that? I mean, the tribe names are like, I don't even think they are necessarily specific to the country that they're in, which would at least maybe be a little better. It just seems like they're like, what sounds native?

Truly. And then they like hit that out there and you're like, what? So, and then they name themselves sometimes. I forgot that. Then they'll like do like a mini merge where two teams will merge into, like if there's four teams, it'll become two. And then they'll be like, all right, now you guys name yourselves. And they'll just be like, I don't know.

I kind of like the name like Tree Toad. And then they're Tribe Tree Toad. For what? What's else on your record? I feel like I didn't even know that you've ever watched TV until today, and you've only talked about TV. Oh, I'm in a pretty deep depression. No, you're not. I do not you don't have do you really have depression

I don't know wait what's going on that's so funny no you'll be fine though we'll talk about it after the cameras are off no guys you guys don't have to worry about me

I have a new therapist after my old therapist went on maternity leave the week after my dad died. It's a classic. It never gets old. I wouldn't have changed it for the world. And a girl, I believe her name, I hope that the baby is healthy and good. What is next on your record? I do hope the baby is healthy and good. I can't hope that.

Anya, look at me like that was really fucked up. What did you want me to say? I just thought you were joking. Oh, I'm not. I hope the baby is healthy and good. I think you could also have answered a couple calls for me. I think the baby probably naps.

I think maybe the baby goes down for a nap. Maybe you shoot me a text based on everything I've got going on. Send me an email just because you seem to know, like, a lot about sort of what's going on with me. But it's good that you have a family that's growing. I love you, girl. Hopefully we'll touch base, you know, when the baby's two or something. What is next? I want the experience of being 13 or 12 and going on a group date to a movie theater.

Fuck, no, that was cool. That was one of the wildest experiments that I have ever been a part of. Yeah. There's like a, like a, especially our age being younger. Like, I don't know what they're doing now,

but for me, I won't say us cause you're going to make an age comment. But, um, for me it was like, we would be on AIM and be like, sort of like puzzle piecing together who everyone likes. Yeah.

Forcing that all to happen. Being like, wait, who do you like? That's crazy. I think blah, blah, blah likes you. Trying to pair people up. Getting someone's mom on the hook. And then being like, yeah, like Robbie's mom could probably take us. Yeah.

And then because of just parents being like, you can't go alone on a date to the movie theater, eight of you go and are weirdly all on a date together. Yeah. And it has weird vibes. There's a lot of puberty going on. And it is one of the funniest things I've been a part of. And if you're me, you're,

there's a lot of not making out going on. And if you're everyone else that I went with, there's a lot of making out going on. And so it's really weird because then you're just there with a girl that you should not be on a date with based on your sexuality. And then she's kind of like, so the popcorn was good.

And you're like, that's crazy. I love you as a friend. I would die for you in the way that you are a friend of mine. I would die for you platonically. And if we have to kiss, I actually might walk into traffic. For me, it was also fascinating because I went to all-girls school. So this was also one of the only times we interacted with boys.

So it was like animalistic i mean it was like you were watching humanity like you were watching humans figure out how to be humans like they hadn't a lot of my friends had talked to a boy twice yeah they were lifers at my school i went to public school before that so like i knew boys yeah these were girls who grew up at all girls school and were like Ew. Huffing. Panting. Sweating. They would be they would be like so nervous and like

dress up for the movie like dressing up for the movie is also funny. But on three camis instead of two. Yeah.

I mean layering the camis having like a weird jean skirt length was weird the pleating was weird and you're just like, I look amazing. Time to be in the dark. Truly.

I love that. I want the aliens to see it. That is humanity at that age. Humanity is dressing up for the movies, you think? No, I think the whole experience, top to bottom, figuring out who's going, the pairing of it all. That is human nature at pre-pubescent human nature. Yeah, I agree.

And then I don't have the adult equivalent. Is there? I mean, probably vacation. Probably when couples vacation together. That's really, it looks horrible. I didn't want to do this, but I have to tell you guys something that happened at my dad's funeral. Jesus fucking Christ.

God damn it. Okay, what? There was a photo album. It's not that you want to bring up your dad's funeral, by the way. It's that you immediately started laughing. Well, because the thing I'm bringing up is horrific. Okay. There was a photo album at my dad's funeral.

Sounds beautiful. There was many, many photos. He made a lot of photo albums himself, which was really cute. Like he put the pictures in himself. That alone could make me cry. But there's one that is from his 50th birthday party. He went on a trip with a group of his friends. This is the most vile, disgusting photo album I've ever seen in my life. I'm at my dad's funeral and I'm looking at a picture of my mom's friend taking money out of my dad's G-string with her teeth. Oh, my God. I mean, it is one of the most unbelievable. People kept coming up to me like, have you seen that photo?

Like, maybe we put that away. And it stayed out. Maybe I should have put it away. It was. You absolutely should not have. It's who he was. It was. Scott partied.

It honestly made me be like, it's cool that my dad partied. I didn't want to be a part of it at all. I wanted to be left out of it. But it was really awesome that he had that side of him. Yeah. And that, you know, his friends came up for his birthday party. Like, that's really all nice. To see that on one of the saddest days that I'll ever live.

Did he, and I don't want you to pull punches here. Did he look good in the G-string? Better than I would have anticipated. Yes, that's my fucking boy, dude. I know he looked hot. It was crazy. I mean, to see that on that day, poetry. Important.

Powerful, important. Poetry. Special beautiful. Shel Silverstein. Oh, God. So not, I mean poetry only in the technical sense Shell Silverstein should be on the records Not on my list Shell Silverstein

You're getting on there king Well The Giving Tree does bang The Giving Tree does bang Well the Giving Tree gives It's giving It's Giving Tree The giving tree does bang. The giving tree does bang. Well, the giving tree gives. It's giving. It's giving tree.

Shelby, is there anything else on your records? No. Be honest. Okay, well, Shelby, I just want to say you've made a beautiful record, but even more importantly, you make a beautiful friend. And I hope that soon we can buy property together in L.A. because we are looking. We are looking. I want to be really clear. I'm anticipating

people thinking that we are feuding. And that's why Caleb's leaving the podcast. Shelby told me today before we recorded, we have to tell people we're still friends. Well, I just don't want you guys to think that we're feuding. When we moved out, there was some, you know, speculation. There was some drama in the comments.

And now that we're at, you we're closer than ever, folks. We're looking at property to buy. Both of our dads died this year. We will never stop being friends now. We are stuck. We are stuck in this. There is a bond that you cannot imagine when within months the bad thing happens. Yeah, to both of us. And now we're trying to buy property in LA, which is

the second worst thing. That could possibly happen to someone. So, by the way, if you're a real estate agent or a lender, and you listen to the podcast and you work in California, God, reach out, because... And Caleb, I want to sing a song to you. You never turn...

We did that one last time. What do you need? You're going to miss this. You're going to miss this. Bye. You're going to wish these days hadn't gone by so fast. These are some good times. So take a good look around. You may not know it now.

You're going to miss this. You're gonna miss this. That's a great song. Yeah. I thought that would be a good parting word song. Wait, I had one for you. Don't blink. Just like this. Your baby's grown.

Something like that. I don't remember the rest of it. Don't blink. I thought't remember the rest of it. Don't blink. I thought it was gonna be Baby Girl. Love your baby girl. I still love you more than anything

in the world. Love your baby girl. That's a great song. I'm playing here at the Ritz tonight. I actually, when I hear Baby Girl by Sugar Girl and I still every single time cry. I know. It is a beautiful song.

Caleb and I have listened to that in the car quite a bit. It is a beautiful, beautiful song. Jennifer Nettles, shout out, girl. You did what you had to do. And thank you for being such a fan of the pod. And thank you for always tuning in and DMing us about the pod. We love you, girl. And I don't want you to stop just because I'm leaving.

Nobody stop listening. Nobody stop listening. Nobody stop listening. I really do want the podcast to grow because when I come back as a special guest, I want people to hear me. Yeah, and if no one's there, it's like,

cricket, cricket, cricket. Cricket, cricket. You guys should name the podcast Cricket Cricket. Are you changing the name? No. Oh. Let's turn off the microphones and stuff. You guys should name the podcast Cricket Cricket. Are you changing the name? No. Oh. Let's turn off the

microphones and stuff. You're gonna miss this. You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast. These are some good times to take a good look around.

You may not know this now. You're gonna miss this. You're gonna miss this. That's a good song, actually. Get this out of my face. Don't put this episode out. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! That was a Hidgum Original.