Keeping Records - Duke of Done Wrong (with Laura Peek)

Episode Date: April 1, 2022

Comedian/Tennessee native Laura Peek logs on with Caleb and Shelby to wade through the trials and tribulations of the best/worst four years of everyone's life: high school. Remember senior privileges? Remember absolutely roasting your teachers any time they even slightly misspoke? Remember how hot it was when 16-year-old boys chewed tobacco and had that little faded ring on the back pocket of their jeans? Yeah, no, definitely, us either, we also think that's gross........   Laura's Artifacts When you see a guy who looks like he would suck do something nice (Experience) Waking up and thinking “oh shit it’s probably 7:30 am” but then looking at your phone and it’s like 2 am (Sense of Relief) Chicken tenders and ranch from Nashville Shores Water Park (Food) The time I pooped HUGE in my pants in first grade and didn’t realize it for a whole school day (Human Experience) When someone is laughing and they touch your arm to kinda brace themselves against the laugh (Gesture) Perfect cacio e pepe (Food) The Holiday (2006 Film) Hopping out of the pool at your friend’s birthday party for a quick bite of Ruffles and onion dip in the year 2000 (Experience) One Camel cigarette (Vice) Follow Laura on Twitter and Instagram. Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Shelby.

Caleb. How are you? Living the dream. Are you? That's so cool. What are you doing? I am living the dream. That's why I was surprised to hear you say that because I only thought a couple of us could do that at a time.

So it's shocking to hear that it's you and me. It's exciting. I think it is exciting and I would say powerful when two friends get to live the dream at the same time. Right. Because a lot of times, unfortunately, enemies are living the dream at the same time. And then the dream becomes sort of like a nightmare. A nightmare within a dream. Well, all dreams become nightmares if you stay in them long enough. I've never said that before, but it kind of felt profound. I will say it felt a little bit profound, right? I think it probably is, and I think it's probably true, but it did make me go. I mean, damn, should I be a poet?

Yes. I think I just learned that there's a disco ball in the place that I'm staying. Like the light, there's something going on with the lights that makes me think, there's little speckles on the wall of light, I think. Oh, there is a disco ball in here. Wow, okay. Oh my God, that changes the entire vibe of the house. Yeah, I mean, no, the house has disco ball vibes, I guess.

Yeah, it's definitely right now. It's definitely a learning and the lighting is changing every time I move my face. Caleb, do you want to know how I'm being innovative in this moment? How I'm sort of changing the game? Well, I always want to know how you're being innovative, babe. Would you please tell me? Well, I forgot my mic stand. Something that our editor and our producer have sort of said. Shelby, the way that you move when you record is not conducive to a podcast. Well, I forgot my mic stand, something that our editor and our producer have sort of said,

Shelby, the way that you move when you record is not conducive to a podcast. You need to have a stationary mic. And I was nervous that if I held it, they'd get upset with me. And famously, I can't handle that. So what I did was I put my mic in a little shoe. Oh, that could have either been cute or scary to me, and I think I've gone with scary. I don't like Little Boot.

It's from a teddy bear. Does that make it worse? No, I don't like Little Boot, and I don't want to see Little Boot. No, no, don't show me Companion. Don't show me Little Boot Companion. Come on. Enjoy Boot. Okay.

Enjoy the Little Boot. It is kind of cute. Das Boot. The Das Boot. Das Boot. companion come on enjoy boo okay it is kind of cute das boot the das boot das boots come on the uh i was just in kansas city and the the airbnb i stayed and had an amazon locker and its name was gumboots and every time i walked by it i would say hey gumboots okay cute not amazon being cute i know amazon's entering their cute era. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. It's really not good for us. That's the last thing we needed. I did not want to see Amazon enter their cute era, but here we are. But here we are. The big bad company is, well, ultimately getting cute. Cute. Big bad companies can be really cute.

Look at Nike. They've been cute before. Just do it. And they've also been big bad. They've been both. They've been big bad. They've been big bad. And they've been big cute.

Yeah. Hey, wait. Oh, Shelby, I have to do something really quick. Hold on. Hey, Los Angeles little freaks. It's Caleb. On April 12th in Los Angeles little freaks It's Caleb On April 12th in Los Angeles I'm doing a show

Caleb Heron with friends at Largo Go buy your tickets now and come on out We're bound to have a good time Shelby can you be on that by the way? Yeah I can I meant to text you today I didn't know if you'd be in town Yeah I'll be in town

Okay Caleb and Shelby re-entering their doing a together era. Caleb and Shelby doing shows together era. So I guess you guys should go to look. I wasn't going to engage in the, in the advertisement, but now, now it seems beneficial. It seems like it might help me out if you guys go ahead and now it feels like it could help me out a little it could help me out if you guys came to it'd be really fun the lineup's really good what if what if the way we asked people to go to shows was to just go please help us out give us a please give us a gosh darn break god like please just fucking help us out like it's so embarrassing if no one's there. So just like help us out, show up and drink a little.

Um, I, I, as you know, just got to Chicago and I'm here for the week. And so I did what you do when you get to a city, you text people you used to hook up with and see if they want to get together. And I texted this guy that I used to hook up with here, and he texted back in like 20 minutes, like pretty quick for one of those texts. He was like, hi, so sorry, I have a boyfriend, but wouldn't be opposed to getting a drink. And I was like, that's so not.

That's not what this is, my love. That's so not what we're doing. That's so not what we're doing. It's crazy. Oh, my little puppet. I don't want to drink. I'm not like desperate for somebody to hang out with my little puppet. I don't want to drink. I'm not like desperate for somebody to hang out with on the trip.

I'm pretty full on that. I don't want companionship. I want sex. And if you're not going to give me the second, I definitely don't want the first. Yeah, I'm actually willing to see fewer of my friends in order to have sex with you. I'm definitely not willing to not have sex with you and see you. But I will add a friend onto the list if I'm not going to get any. Hello? I was just like, I mean, with all due respect, that's just not what we're doing.

That's just, it's the blatant disregard for what something is. If you have a clear set boundary on, or not boundary, I guess guess boundary but just like parameters of a relationship it's like we do this thing in this instance it's sex um just don't try and make a change to that and and in addition to that by the way shelby i love what you've posited here but just to sort of snowball on that a little bit uh-huh i am not looking for friends. Period. I have, for, I don't know how to tell gay men on dating apps this,

or gay men in general. I'm not looking for friends. I have friends. I'm a chuck full on friends. I, it's so crazy to me, the number of people on dating apps that will have like. And I'm glad you were addressing this because I,

as one of your friends, I'm starting to feel like he should slow down or at some point I get booted off the roster. So I don't want anymore at this point if I'm talking, okay, I'll say gay men specifically. If you're an attractive gay man, especially if we're talking on a dating app, there is a 0% chance I'm trying to be friends.

That being said, if you're a lesbian, Caleb would love to take you on onto the team. Yeah. If you're a lesbian, Caleb would love to take you on onto the team. Yeah. If you're a lesbian, I would love to buy you dinner platonically in general. If you're a lesbian, hit me up.

I want to be friends. Especially if you do, especially if you do what? I was just going to say, if you have a trade, if you, you know, if you play an instrument or you fix,

you fix pipes, you're a carpenter or something. If you're a handy lesbian, the first thing I thought of was a cobbler. When you said a trade if you you know if you play an instrument or you fix you fix pipes you're a carpenter or something if you're a handy lesbian the first thing i thought of was a cobbler when you said a trade oh yeah if you're a cobbler if you i was like yeah i guess if they do fix shoes lesbians with special skills enter my dms i want to know you hey everyone has at least one special skill. Speaking of lesbians... Wait, wait, wait. What was that? What did you do? You tried so hard! You tried so hard to move on!

Were you talking about eating pussy? No, no. I am going to keep moving on. Pegging? What were you doing? No. I'm going to go ahead and move. What was the most useful special skill? I just was having fun.

Guys, speaking of lesbians, one of the straightest women we know. Yeah. One of the straightest young women. One of the straightest young women that we have the pleasure of calling a friend. Just got engaged to a man. Romantically. Romantically. Not for like, not for like,

not for like, Oh my God, Laura's going to be pissed about this. That's the credit. Just got engaged. Brilliant comedian. We're like, Oh,

this young woman, this young woman is finally going to belong to a man. Please put your paws and fins and hands together for our dear dear friend I did I said brilliant comedian oh that's true she's a stand up she's from Nashville she's so smart and funny and kind I'd say yeah she's amazing and finally

we'll have a man to agree Laura peak peak Laura make some noise Look at my ancient headshot Jesus Christ, get me out of here Save me from myself

She's a celebrity, get her out of here Laura, you look like you're floating in Not space But nothingness You know what? That was for my boyfriend who was showering behind me. We'll go ahead and get a regular background. Sorry.

Not boyfriend. Fiancee. More like. Sorry. Show that ring on, girl. I'm a fiance. Yeah, please get it fucking right when you're on our podcast. Jesus Christ.

Jesus, Laura. I've missed you both very our podcast. Jesus Christ. Jesus, Laura. I've missed you both very much. How are you? Kiss, kiss. Missing you, loving you. Always. Are you on the road right now? Oh, no, I guess you're in LA.

Oh, yeah, somehow it feels good. Where are y'all? Are you here? I'm in Chicago. Oh, how long are you there for? Are you doing shows? Yeah, doing a couple at the hideout. I'm just here for a couple days, like four. I love it. And I'm in Cleveland. Oh, how long are you there for? Are you doing shows? Yeah, doing a couple at the hideout. I'm just here for a couple days, like four.

I love it. And I'm in Cleveland. Oh my God. I know, you could feel the distance. I can feel the Cleveland energy coming off you right now. It's radiating. It's absolutely radiating. Yeah, I'm going to drink like a Great Lakes beer or something

and just really lean in Shelby never wears it on the podcast but one of her favorite hats is a Chief Wahoo hat she loves it she wears it anytime she's not on camera she wears that thing like crazy damn it I was gonna say let's grab it I wanna see really fast

no I'm sure somewhere in this house though there's like an old Chief Wahoo hat from like 96 if I'm sure somewhere in this house though There's like an old chief wahoo hat From like 96 If I'm being honest But that's, it doesn't even, I don't think it would belong to me Oh, I bet it does It will if you pop her on Yeah, if you pop her on it would

If you pop her on it's yours Gotta pop her on, take ownership Pop her on, did you guys ever When you were in high school drink Vodka No Pop her on. Did you guys ever, when you were in high school, drink vodka? No. Oh.

What? It was our vodka. That? Had some. It was more expensive than. It was a plastic handle that you could get for about $8. Is comparable? We did sometimes. The ones that make the seasonings i've never had vodka that's vodka right i think that was one it looks like

yeah they do have vodka you know what yes it's very comparable same box did anybody do Chewing tobacco? Yeah We did not do the Vodka but The boys that I knew Growing up were really Really really into chew Oh yes Yeah yeah yeah

They dipped And it was the same It was the same company First time I got drunk I was so hot But I was kidding I was gonna say I don't know if I thought

It was hot I actually think I actively Was upset by it most of the time. I not only found it unattractive, I also had a very political resistance to it. I was like, that's so, it felt very Republican to be chewing tobacco at that time. It is. And all the boys in my high school would have the little cylinder in their back pocket and it would be like faded. That kind of was hot.

That part was kind of hot. The jeans? The little cylinder in the jeans was a little bit hot. Because they That kind of was hot. That part was The jeans the little stuff in the jeans was a little bit hot. Because they'd wear those tight jeans. You remember. Yeah.

In the south and they would always be at the pep rally and have the little like outline in their back. It was hot. And like Justin Boots.

You remember? Yes. Oh my God. I'll say there's nothing there's nothing clearer that someone just like wants to be accepted than

getting into chewing tobacco. Because every time you would hear someone did it for their first time, it was like, he was puking in the library for four hours, like had such a bad day. One of the worst times of his life. And it's like, why did he do?

And then the next kid to do it, it's like, you saw what happened to like Pete. Why would you do it? You have the teachers. You saw what happened to like pete why would you do it you have the teachers you saw what happened to pete in the library you saw what happened to pete for real we don't talk about pruno we don't talk about what happened to pete guys when shelby said library it reminded me of one of the hardest times i've ever laughed and it was in high school we had this librarian who i actually think you should have been quiet it It was the library. Well, honey, that's,

it gets, it gets to that point. Um, I think she actually was sweet and maybe we were all just, uh, fuck fucking horrible, but we hated her at the time. And,

um, she, so many teachers like that. So many teachers, what a huge fucking bitch. Then you're looking back and you're like, just kind of cared was sort of a lot. Really sweet. Really out of the way. Nice. Oh, she dressed up for every spirit day just kind of cared was sort of the whole thing. Cared a lot. Really sweet.

Really out of her way nice. Oh, she dressed up for every spirit day. I think she might have been the sweetest of us. It's really cool. It's really cool. But she was kind of strict. And one day, I wouldn't say my friend necessarily, but a guy in my class was sleeping during study hall in the library and she goes she goes she goes Justin wake up well you'll be sleeping with me after school and what she was threatening was detention but we were like you're gonna enough trouble and i will get a little bit she fucking my brother

and we oh my god the way we laughed and then she got mad at us for laughing well she was embarrassed she's right she threatened to fuck a student you get angry and kind of miss your words up a little bit yeah you better get your words right if you're gonna fuck with that's the worst part about being a teacher is teens will catch the only slip-up you've ever had. You will die with that on your gravestone. It'll be like, slept with Justin, LOL. It's like, what?

LOL. What did she say? Dog, it's so funny. Speaking of strict teachers that ultimately... Well, Caleb, I might have told you this story before, but I was in trouble a lot in high school. That was sort of my whole deal. And, but never for like being me, like it was always like, didn't do her homework enough or like cheated on a test. Like you were chilling too hard.

Yeah, I was really fucking cool. I was really cool. And the powers that be didn't want to see that happen. Well, they hate to see girls win. Yeah, which was crazy because I went to an all-girls school. So I was like, one of us has to. One of us has to be cool as hell. One of us has to win.

One of us has to win. I will say, Shelby, in your defense, there was a concerning lack of respect for chill girls in the decade prior to this one. I think we're entering a golden era for chill girls, but in 2013, 12-ish, or for you a couple years prior because of your age, the chill girl was not getting respect. Thank you. I agree. And so what ended up happening was senior

year of high school, there was a rule at my school where like, if you were a senior, you had senior privileges, but if you were in any sort of trouble, like they could take you on like the senior privileges exempt list and then you wouldn't be able to have those privileges. And one of those privileges was open campus. You could leave campus. I was not allowed to have privileges because of the way that I behaved. And I had like two free periods back to back. And I said, I'm getting a virgin smoothie. I'm getting a smoothie for my health. I'm going to leave campus. I said, no, who will even know I left? I have no one in charge of me right now. I left school. I come back. The nicest math teacher that I've ever had turned me in. And I was like,

and I went to the, I'm on her side. I'm on her side. Senior privileges. His side, his side. It was a boy. You're joining,

you're taking men over women. Well, I actually was being very feminist because you said nicest person you'd ever met and I was like that has to be a woman no he was so sweet he was a single dad

of two daughters really kind guy there has to be rules for senior privileges or else what I mean what makes it a privilege that you're a senior you went through

three years of high school to get the privilege so anyway I got in trouble and I was I had there was this thing at my school

called honor council, which was like school court and every, but you go to fucking Hogwarts. If you were best girl, you got to leave campus. You dork ass. There was an honor council and it was school court. It was like a bunch of students and teachers that were voted to be like the court and you would have to go in and like plead your case and they would determine what your punishment

was. Anyway, you were supposed to Professor McGonagall was particularly strict But you were supposed to if you ever went more than once you were supposed to get suspended or expelled. Like it was like you don't go to Honor Council more than once and this was like going to be my 10th time going to Honor Council. To me that was a pretty clear like I'm gonna finally lose my uh ability to

attend the school they're gonna say we've had enough so I went to the guidance counselor to like figure out what to do before I got before it got back to me like the the trouble had started but nobody had come to me yet i knew it was happening and i went to the honor uh to the i went to the guidance counselor and she was like what we need to do is get the and i hate to play into the hogwarts thing but the dean of discipline to come to come you have to go admit to her what you did. I'm sorry. The Dean of discipline.

The Duke of done wrong. And what you guys can probably assume, what you can probably assume about the Dean of discipline is that she wasn't known for being nice. Like she was known for being one of the meanest people in the world. So strict, so scary, so incredibly just like run away the meanest people in the world. So strict, so scary, so incredibly just like run away when you see her in the halls.

And the guidance counselor was like, you have to confess to her what you did before it gets to her. And I was like, confess, go before her, before she hears it through the grapevine. Is that right? What a,

what a wild draconian school. This is why I get excited go ahead sorry i have something to say later go ahead i i so it was me and this other girl who was also sort of on the verge of getting maybe and um turns out we're both gay so ultimately this was all an act of homophobia and um i i we called her up and we were like, here's what we did. We're really sorry. We both think we're getting expelled, so we're crying. And she looks as scary as she ever has for a minute and then starts weeping.

What? No. The Duke of Discipline? The Duke of Discipline? The Duke of Dunlong sobbing in front of me. And this is almost verbatim what she said. I think it is verbatim, but, you know, for the sake of accuracy. She goes, you know, I see you too.

And I see you trying to walk the straight and narrow. And then you go home and your families are falling apart. Both of us are like, okay, let's talk through divorce. And she goes, you're home and your families are falling apart. And you come to school and you try and you try, but it's the only free. And I just, I see you trying. And she just like broke down to the point where then like, I'm laughing. Because what's happening?

Oh, Shelby. Not laughing outwardly, but laughing a little. How could I not? My family's like not, my family got, my parents got divorced when I was in eighth grade. They weren't falling apart anymore. The family was apart. We weren't, we were apart. It seems like she was zooming out pretty far. feels like a maybe about her i was taken aback by the absolute i mean

the other girl's family was presently running by it she really cares she really cares anyway she didn't get me in trouble she was like i appreciate I appreciate you telling me. It's all. And then, um, I, every day, like felt like I owed her my life. Like I would like lay down my sword at her feet every day for the rest of senior year. Like I was like, thank you for everything you've done for me and my family.

But then I also felt weird every time I saw her. Cause I was like, this woman thinks my life is so truly tragic. This woman sees me down the halls and is moved to tears about the way that my life has gone. You go home and you sleep on broken glass and you have to fight the druggies who pass out in the living room. She had this like-

She's from a good family. Your parents were divorced, but you have a good family. This is kind of insane behavior. My parents were, it was you have a good family. This is kind of insane behavior. My parents were... It was like... I had to address the fact that she thought that when I went home, I lived in a movie of bad.

What's that? Series of Unfortunate Events film. I'm being passed from count to count. You go home and your mom injects you with Demerol. She's like, you eat your soup and you check if it's poisoned. And I'm like, what?

I was like, Oh my God. No, it literally is not that deep. I wanted a smoothie and I decided to get it. Get me in trouble, bitch. I'm so glad that she was feeling so sentimental that day. I wanted a smoothie and I decided to get it. Get me in trouble, bitch. I'm so glad

that she was feeling so sentimental that day. I know. Thank God her and her husband were breaking up or whatever. And ding, ding, ding. And there's Laura's point. It seems like it's her thing. I will say... This reeks of about something else. I will say

this is earlier I wanted to say this, but Shelby, you had to finish the story, and you were correct. I, the discipline, the whole, like, power structure at schools and getting in trouble, this is why I get excited when my little cousins get in trouble at school.

I'm like, good. They're fucking weird places where kids are taught to be little robots. I think that kids should hit teachers sometimes. No, no, no. Look, but I i mean but they need to like fight back at least verbally it is bizarre and especially at a school like that if you i mean what's were there students on the council yeah yes one from every grade traders

yeah how were they elected and how it was part of like student council elections was like also honor council and it was the same girl every year and every year i went to honor council like three times and saw the same girl and then would have to face her in class like i'd be in like science class and be like hey girl like and then also by the way honor council as as the accused is you know sort of a performance you're having to sell that you feel bad so that you don't get in too much trouble so I'm weeping in a room full of

that's my little actress the judge the jury the lawyers everyone jury of your peers jury of my peers and then like sobbing sobbing and then having to A jury of your peers. Truly. A jury of my peers. And then like sobbing and then having to like play against her in gym class in like badminton and being like, hey girl. Hey girl, catch this shuttlecock. Laura, what's the biggest you've ever gotten in trouble?

Can you remember? Oh, I almost, I cheated. Oh, well, okay, wait, two times come to mind. Come on now. Yes, queen. Both school things. Family stuff would be different, I guess. But both school things, because those are more embarrassing.

Family stuff was really dark. Shelby, I hear you know what that means. You're insane. Family stuff was really dark. Shelby, I hear you know what that means. Your insane family stuff. Family stuff was different. And Shelby, I know you hear me when I say that. Shelby. I got caught cheating on my final math. I don't even remember what kind of math exam in senior year of high school. A guy who I guess,

I guess wanted to have sex agreed to toss me a sheet of paper under my desk with the answers on it to the exam. And when he did that, the teacher looked up from across the room and said, yeah, of course, I just saw you do that this is a completely silent room no one is moving i watched you just pick up a fluttering piece of paper under your desk and i almost didn't get to graduate whoa they had mercy on me yeah they were they were like she's not they were like she's definitely not gonna walk and we might hold her

but like i was about to have to do senior year again because of how did you walk i walked and i graduated that's my fucking queen right there yeah shelby and i had this in common we were the cool we were cool baby um and then the second time was in college i so oh shelby's gone i walked into um uh i had the the university of tennessee police walk into my dorm room while i was smoking no why were they there who tipped them off my my suite mates what a narcos bitch who had oh caleb had every right i was a nightmare our room was a nightmare i love those good citizens no i do hate them to this day. But if I look back on it, I'm like, oh, that was terrible. But I remember distinctly, I used to be such a messy, disgusting person.

I'm better now. Shelby, you left and I thought that you paused and I was like, well, she's just really not interested in what I'm saying. It was like you staring at one corner of the interviewer's face. She's not reacting. I want to say I did. I clocked in a little too. And I was like, Shelby's being kind of rude, but no worries.

I was like, it's a little disrespectful, but I'll tune in. The story isn't that boring. Oh, my God. And so here's what's been happening and why I just decided to leave and not even try and vocalize that I was leaving. I was offended by the way you were talking about my family. I lately saw every like 10th Zoom I do. So it's not every time enough where I feel like there's something that can be done, but it's frequent enough that it's annoying. My Zoom will just freeze everyone else.

And I'll start by saying everyone else is the problem, as you would. And then all of a sudden I go, wait, everyone's frozen. The problem is me. It takes me a second to look inward in that way. You know what? I will say, Shelby, I'm so – to realize that the problem is you is a place that a lot of people in our society need to get to and haven't thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for your growth that's huge

it's huge that's huge yeah that's huge so then i just was like you know what like i'll leave and let them sort of like they're not the problem i'm the problem so if i leave and and and sorry shall we stop and don't let the work stop here, by the way. Keep digging. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep digging to see what other problems I might be. This is the beginning, Laura. This is the beginning. This is not the end for you, girlfriend.

You have more work to do. Miles and miles of it. So keep after it. And if at any point during this recording you say to yourself, I need to drop out and work on something really quick, like, just go. You know, don't even wait. Laura, I want to thank you and work on something really quick. Like just go, you know, don't. I want to thank you for holding that space for Shelby because I actually have more,

you see women really pitting in themselves against each other these days instead of holding each other up, which was, that was nice to see. Thank you. Yeah, totally. Oh my God.

No. And what's even more embarrassing is that to enjoy your story. I had actually done a bit on my end that ultimately I was frozen for. And so you guys didn't see it. And so I drank a lot of water, not a lot, obviously, based on the size of the thing, but I drank water out of this tiny glass

and nobody saw it. And to do that on my own, mortifying. But I was kind of like listening to you and I was like, and then nobody saw it, so it was to myself, which so much it's so much worse to doing a bit when no one's doing your best to do a tiny glass with weird proportions bit and nobody's watching like

like just sort of be like, I'm at a cocktail party listening to a silly story and have nobody see it. It's like, so I'm in my room on zoom by myself. Nobody sees me or hears me. Drinking water from a, I don't even know what glass is. Doing your best stuff to silence. Like you're auditioning for fucking SNL.

Just my best, my best shit in complete silence i'm like uh shelby's frozen right here you thought i was um ignoring you but what was happening was i was pouring the water to do the bit to actively listen with the glass. And Zoom said, this comedy pushes the envelope too far. We have to end her. I think Shelby needs some more time to reflect. Why don't we go to a break? Why don't we go to a break so Shelby can reflect?

Thank you. Because you've got work to do, honey. Thank you. Okay, let's everyone rejoin the recording in like three or four hours. Let's go to break. Thank you. Thank you.

I'm having such a bachelor's evening. I ordered an Uber for the guy I'm seeing tonight to come to me and the kind of wine he likes to be delivered at the same time. And I'm like, I'm feeling very grown up dating right now. Oh my God. You're going to hop off. You're going to hop off your podcast. You're going to finish gonna finish up work you're gonna get wine and he's gonna arrive this is uh that's the most grown-up shit i've ever heard when caleb said he had a hard out he kind of meant it yeah i mean i've got a guy showing up

hey if things go right, he might have a hard-on. I think it's called a hard-in. I thought what you were saying was... Hard-in. H-A-R-D apostrophe in. He's got a hard-in. You know what? Laura's from Nashville. She could be saying anything right. You never know.

Someone from Tennessee could be saying anything. And you're not allowed to ask. You just go, uh-huh, girl. That is true, bitch. He sure got a hard one. I feel like that's a great catchphrase for a blue-collar comedy tour guy. I was doing the New York Times crossword puzzle the other day, and it was

hardened. Are we back, by the way? Yeah, let's be back. We could use all that. Just making sure. Me and Laura workshopping a catchphrase together? Yeah, that could be part of it.

A new Southern comedy tour catchphrase? Okay, actually, how fun would it be to take a bunch of liberal comics on a blue collar comedy like satire tour?

Listen, you all need to, we need to go through. You might be a fifth grader. You just mix up a bunch of their stuff. If you've got a redneck.

Here's your shed. We should really do a southern tour. It would be fun. That would be awesome. Play characters the whole tour. That would be... I struggle to think of how we would market and sell tickets to that,

but man, whoever came out would have a good time. I guess what I have in mind is kind of like did i have either of you watch marvelous ms mazel yes the jane lynch character the the jane lynch character where she like puts on the fat suit and like is like fully like what the fuck it she i know i know it's like a southern comedian play jane lynch is in a fat suit on Marvelous Miss Maisel? Is anyone else listening to this and feeling crazy? I'm like, what is going on? The character puts on a fat, like,

she's not in it the whole time, but as Jane, like Jane Lynch plays a stand-up that does. Yeah, I'm like having a hard time explaining exactly what happens because. It's a fat suit within a fat suit that does. Yeah. I'm like having a hard time explaining exactly what happens because it's a fat suit within a fat suit within a fat suit. She has a fat suit as her character, but puts on a much fatter suit.

It's sort of fat suit inception. It's a, it's a, and most of the time it's a sea story, which is really hard to believe. Think of Jane Lynch, sort of like an onion. Peeling off fat suits every season until eventually she's beautiful.

She's just a single beating heart. You're like, oh, she's gorgeous. Finally, a woman at the size they should be. A single beating heart. I walk up to it at a bar the single beating hearts on a stool i'm like you come here often well it's actually beautiful because hearts don't have genders that's right hey you beaten just for me that's what i imagine you would say to it. Shelby. Shelby Joelle.

That was beneath you. It was beneath and above me. But do it in a southern accent and see if I like it. Do it in a southern accent, Shelby. Let's hear it. I got shy. I got stage fright really quickly. I got stage fright so quickly.

We all kind of leaned in a little bit too, which is intimidating. Come on. Shelby? No, you've seen how my Australian turned Southern quick, and I'm scared that I'm going to do the Southern and it's going to be British. Shelby goes, hmm, the American South.

Hey, shrimp on the babby. I'm bleeding hot. Is that not Irish? That bait's just for me. No, that was, that was just a little bit. I'm going to leave the zoom again,

but this time it'll be on purpose. Okay. Woo. Okay. We, uh, Laura, we brought,

okay, everyone's, we are 40 minutes into the episode. We brought you here for a reason. It's going to have to be a pretty quick one. That heartbeat just for me. She just put it back with it. Oh, okay.

Yeah. It was really good. It was really good. It was kind of Texas. I found it in me somewhere. Just for me. It had a little Sam Elliott. It was a little Sam Elliott

in Stars Born. Yeah. Little Sam Elliott. Little McConaughey. A little. A little McConaughey. He's Texas. We do a 23 and me on Shelby's accent.

She's 23. Oh my God. No, guys, literally stop fucking around. Laura, we brought you here for a reason. Laura, what all accents can you do? I'm okay at British. Southern, obviously, is going to be

the only one I'm actually good at. Go ahead. You could do Minnesota. I have a feeling. Okay, wait, wait at. Go ahead. I can do Australian if I get the right in. You can do Minnesota. I have a feeling. Oh, I can do... Okay, wait, wait, wait. I can do... I can do... No, that's New York. I can do... How do I get to Midway? I could do...

I could fucking do... Oh, you think you're better than me? I could do Minnesota. Hey, you talking to me? I can be from the Midwest, okay? Hey, you talking to me? Someone who's obviously from Minnesota? Hey, you talking to me? I can be from the Midwest, okay? Hey, you talking to me, someone who's obviously from Minnesota? Hey, this is Minneapolis, sweetheart. Not just anyone can make it in Minneapolis, okay?

I've been smoking for 45 years. In Minneapolis, we're the city that sometimes sleeps Okay I thought today that maybe I should start smoking Because it would do something cool to my voice Listen that's not true God one of the worst things about being A teenager

Was how much I loved having bronchitis Because of what it did to my voice You guys Oh my god do you remember? I remember when you were like a little sick and you were like, all of a sudden I'm sexy. You were like, oh my God, what just happened to me? I'm becoming a woman in front of everyone's eyes.

I'm the hottest girl in school. That's so true. And honestly, that's a time capsule thing. Having a deeper voice in school and showing it off for people. Being like, I'm sorry, I'm just a little sick. Speaking of, Laura, we brought you here to ask you if we were making a new golden record what would you put on it okay a lot of my more feelings experiences thank you moments thank god um i think my number one thing is when you

wake up in the middle of the night and you're like oh it, it's 7.30 a.m. I'm going to have to be up in an hour or two, depending. And then you look at your phone and it's a cool 2.45 a.m. Also showing off a little bit of comedian privilege there. You're like, I might have to get up in two or three hours at 10.30 a.m. I want to be sensitive to everyone. Normal people listening to this are going to be like, what the fuck? I'm already up at 7 30 a.m. Normal people listening to this are going to be like, what the fuck? I'm already up at seven 30.

I drive a truck. 4 a.m. No, that really is the most gorgeous feeling in the world. Cause you think you're done. You think you're, it's all over for you. Yeah.

You think you're absolutely finished. It's, it's similar to like being able to, I would, cause I was going back and forth between absolutely finished it's it's similar to like being able to because i was going back and forth between these two but it's similar to i just gestured towards my bathroom while i'm saying this but it's similar to when you like get up and pee and you can immediately fall right back to sleep but just that that true feeling of like i've got a while left in here and you get really snuggly yeah because the nice thing about being asleep is you're hardly alive. We get to die every day. You get to die briefly, and you get to have no problems when you're there.

Die another day. Remember that Madonna song? The Madonna song. Die another day. Oh, I thought we were making one up. Oh, no, we can. I was like, roll with it, roll with it. We can, we can.

No, we can, we can. But I was referencing the famous Madonna song. And she's a singer? I would call her sort of an all-around talent. This is my new character guy who doesn't know who Madonna is. The character called Catch Me Up.

And this is me. Catch me up on that. Would you catch me up on that? And this is me, someone who would die for Madonna. Just a singer? You think she's just a singer? She's actually got a... A league of their own?

Ever seen it? Actress? This is my new character, a guy who thinks Madonna drove one of the planes on 9-11. Madonna, and she... She drove one of the planes on 9-11. Madonna. And she drove one of the planes on 9-11. That's a really good, that would do really well. The lilt of that 9-11. She drove the planes on 9-11.

No? No. Okay, catch me up then. Catch me up. Catch me up. I would love to find more out about Madonna. And that's the last name? First name.

Middle name. Which name? Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, Laura, you were so right about what you added to the records 20 minutes ago, though. I loved it. No, there is literally nothing better than being... I would much rather wake up and be able to go back to bed than sleep through until my alarm. Like the feeling of being able to go back

to bed is better than having a good night's sleep. That is a very interesting, I think I haven't had a night's sleep where I don't wake up at least a couple of times in many years. So I don't even know what I'm comparing it to, but I feel like, do you have that? I wake up, it's not like crazy. I'm not up for hours, but I'm like, oh, I'm tossing now and not fully sleeping. I think you're right. I sleep through the night many times, Laura. Oh my God.

That's because Caleb sleeping through the night is sleeping from 2 to 7 a.m. He's like, I actually don't wake up in the middle of the night. It's like, yeah, you don't sleep long enough for that, babe. Okay, dragging Caleb's sleep schedule. I love it. I didn't think it was personal.

I was going to say, I didn't really think I had to be sensitive about it because it didn't feel personal. No, I agree with you, though, Shelby. I would prefer to have that experience that Laura's talking about because it feels like I'm stealing from God. Yes, I'm getting something back. I've robbed back some time that I wasn't supposed to have. Some of your dead time.

Yeah. All we want to do is be like, I want to be dead for 15 more minutes. When you wake up, you're like, I don't want to rejoin right now. And if you get the opportunity to where you know you're going to do that for hours at a time, I really think there is no better feeling. I don't want to rejoin. Waking up is rejoining. And I don't feel like better feeling. I don't want to rejoin. Waking up is rejoining. And I don't feel like rejoining.

I don't want to do that yet. I want to be in my little world that I've created that I was just in. Also, similar to this that I thought about, waking up from a dream where you've done something really reprehensible or something really bad has happened and the moments when you wake up

and get to finally realize that that's not actually happening to you. Yes, like that. It was like kind of a vivid dream where you're like sort of feeling the guilt. Like it's not like, it's not like you stole a plane from a ferry. Like it's not like so outlandish.

It's like you cheated or something. And you're like- Yeah, like I hurt my dad's feelings. Yeah, and you're like kind of trying to apologize and there's like the dream mechanism of like nobody can hear me when I do or like every time I try someone derails my little plan to try and make things right

and so you're like oh my god it's like the whole dream is trying to make something right and then you wake up and you're like I don't have to make anything right I was right all along I'm a perfect angel I'm a perfect angel who's never done anything wrong. What you've described mirrors one of my biggest frustrations in the waking world, which is when someone derails my little plan.

I hate. I can't stand. When someone derails one of my little plans, I get sick to my stomach. Give me an example of your most recent little plan that got derailed. Caleb. Oh, easily. No, go ahead, Caleb. I'm sorry.

I was just going to say, I had dinner plans with a friend the other night, and they brought someone without telling me, and I arrived, and there was a person there that I didn't expect to see. That is derailing one of my little plans. One of derailing. But so that, I think, can be considered to be reasonable. Some of derailing Caleb's little plans is what I would call unreasonable, which is like,

Caleb will call- Careful. 4 a.m. Thursday morning and be like, let's fly to France. There's a flight in three hours. But isn't that fun about me? Yes, but then-

That's really fun. But then you'll be like, I can't. I have commitments over the next three days that would make that an impossible feat. And he'll be like, great, okay, so I guess you don't even care about it. Then he gets so upset!

Well, Caleb, I want to be closer to you. I was going to say, Laura, which perspective is more fun? Who's having more fun in this conversation? I want those calls. I want those 4am calls. I'll go. I can't tell you. I'm not asking you to stop.

I think I am in the upper percentage of people that say yes. There's just the, I am, I think, right? This really, truly, I will say something about me, Laura. Laura, you and I are on our journey towards becoming closer friends. Yes, love it. And I'm loving it for us, and we're really gaining some steam. But the only way that people get close to me is exactly what Shelby's saying, which is the percentage of times you say yes when I call you

and ask you something completely unreasonable, that's what moves the needle. Anybody who has like hard boundaries cannot be close to me. You have to be game. Yeah, people who are like regimented, good luck. Good luck being regimented and becoming close with Caleb. I'm so excited to break myself down so that I can build up more friends. If you have like a steady job and commitments that you intend to see through, it will not work with us.

Whatever progress I've made, I'm breaking off my engagement. Yeah, you can't. I'm sorry, Laura'm breaking off my engagement. Yeah. I'm sorry, Laura. I actually didn't want to say this, but you can't be committed to someone else when you're friends with Kayla. I actually felt really strong the other day. I'm proud of myself because someone set a boundary with me and I let them. I didn't challenge it at all. I was like, fly here and see me.

And they were like, I can't. I have stuff the next couple of days. And I was like, yeah, I totally understand. And for like a full day, I was like, I was like, fly here and see me. And they were like, I can't, I have stuff the next couple of days. And I was like, yeah, I totally understand. And for like a full day, I was like buzzing with confidence. I was like, that was so strong of you. No guilt trip, nothing. That's your boundary. No, that's beautiful. That's gross. I'm proud. Anyway, enough about me as, as if I mean that, uh, Laura, what's the next thing on your records? Okay, man, this was an experience of mine and it is kind of a longer story, but it is so formative and like so embarrassing that I want it recorded forever. I was in the first grade and I was sitting next to this kid named Richard Howden and he was like the cool kid.

He had like a really fucked up family life. He was Shelby. He was cool as hell. And he was sitting next to me and he said, we were sitting down and he was like, it smells like a really fucked up family life who's shelby he was cool as hell um and uh he was sitting next to me and he said we were sitting down and he was like it smells like a fart in here and i was like oh my god he said fart like that's the coolest thing i've ever heard i remember being like can i just say stuff like that that's so awesome and so i was like yeah it does smell like a fart and he was like maybe somebody shitted and he said shitted and i was like that's the tightest thing i've ever heard i can't believe you're allowed to say stuff like this like we're killing it yeah i just

shit on him uh and the whole day he was sitting next to me just being like we were together in homeroom and he was like man it really smells like a fart it was like it really does like it's really farty in here we went to gym we rode on those little scooter things the flat ones where you sit you did you have those those things that would like kill your fingers We rode on those little scooter things, the flat ones where you sit. Did you have those, those things that would like kill your fingers? Okay. Rode on those. We went to like religion class. We went several different places. We went to lunch. We came back, we sit back down and he's like, man, it really still smells like a fart in here. And I was like, man, that's crazy. Like it totally does. And then I was like, let me just make sure that it's not me that smells like a fart. And I

had on these like really billowy Catholic school shorts. They're like, you know, like this wide of a leg. And I snaked my finger up in it. And I had pooped my pants in a way that I could not believe and had been sitting on it for like five different periods of class running around. I sat down on the little scooter thing, smushed it, sat down at lunch, smushed it. No idea. Didn't go to the bathroom, went into the bathroom. It was like a grown man had pooped into my pants. It was really the most jarring experience of my life.

And no one ever found out but until today how did you i'm sorry i'm trying to be sensitive how did you not no no and i and i hate to be I hate to be extremely graphic. I'll try to keep it. But it and it wasn't like I like it was like a. It was like a solid like it was like a poop that you would take, like it was like a healthy poop. Yeah. Just in there. And I had no idea and went to multiple classes and sat down on multiple things and didn't know.

And the whole day was going like, yeah, somebody really must have done something, you know? Yeah. And threw my underwear away and never talked about it again. Yeah. I don't want to seem like I'm judging you. I really think this should be studied. I think this is a sociological phenomenon. I think this is fascinating.

I feel like... Anthropological. I feel like we just discovered a new thing about humans. And that's why it should be in the capsule. Because I don't find pooping to ever be a completely effortless experience. Or an ignorable outcome. I find the outcome of taking a shit to usually be pretty noticeable, especially if I do it in my pants. And here it is.

The outcome is I'm shit. There is shit. That's all. I have, I have made is the, I produced. It's produced. Every time I go,

I produced. It's infantile. It's like, it's a, it's a thing that babies do. And then we don't hear about it again. They learn to stop. And then we say that doesn't happen anymore. It's a level of carefree joy that I do and then we don't hear about it again they learn to stop and then we say that doesn't happen anymore it's a level of carefree joy that i do i commend you obviously held on to

that pretty late in life i'm having such a good time i have so much shit in my pants right now it's but the fact here's here's it pulls it into such short focus for me because on the one hand was very very young right this was like this was like first grade how old are you in first grade six six twelve thirteen no you're thirteen eighth grades this is my character guy who thinks first graders are 13 years old catch me up on that catch me up on the age of first graders but I was so young but to have such but have such a vivid memory of this like it is it is so sharp in my mind well so on the one hand no control over my bowels seemingly

enough to not notice medically it would seem like that feels medical it feels less circumstantial more medical and laura i i hate and again i'm really not coming from a place of judgment at all. You weren't young enough. You were young, but baby, you weren't young enough. A few years sooner and this would be a non-story. We are just three years North of non-story. I am toddling in toddler territory. Completely emerged three years sooner. This would have been a non-story.

This would have been, yeah, people do that when they're that age. You know what? It's also the, another way to think about it is it's about 80 years shy of being a non-story once again. And isn't that beautifulstory once again and isn't that beautiful wow and isn't that beautiful old people get away with murder in terms of shitting their pants

an old person shits your pants and you literally just you have to just be like old people walk free when they shit their pants they get away with absolute murder i mean even high schoolers are like we'll be nice about this. You know? Exactly. I once was doing volunteer hours at an elderly home and we were playing bingo with them. Okay.

Okay, brag. Okay, charitable queen. A cool high school philanthropist. I mean, this was years ago, but I was volunteering at an old person's shelter. This was years ago. This was years ago, but of course I never forget the acts of service I've done.

I was volunteering at a... I had a blast. It was fun for me and for them. It's one of those times where giving really is... It's a gift to yourself and to others. And I love to give a gift and receive. No, the person I was sitting at a table of four elderly people, and one of them had fully just let loose on everything.

They went Laura mode. They went Laura mode. They went Laura mode. They went full peek. They did a peekaboo. She's peeking! She's peeking! They went full

Everest on this bitch. Which is to say they were peeking. There was so many high schoolers in the room and none of us said a word like it was just like b7 like b7 anyone have b7 you just continue playing the game and anyone else if if that if that person was eight years younger we would have absolutely had their fucking head on a bladder be like this motherfucker shit their fucking pants but instead you're old guys but instead we're just like

terrified all your numbers yeah your best case is that it comes for us yeah best case is that we get to that point that's so true the reverence for your future now that one's not funny this one has no humor in it for me i'm bummed by this one i'm literally bummed out by this i would if i was if i was in the room when that happened, I would have had to speak on it. I can't not tell the truth. And I love that about you. That's actually one of your strongest and most powerful qualities.

If ever there was a time to roast me, it was when I said that, and instead you went earnest, which makes me look such a fool. You've forced me to play the fool. And I'll never forget it. And no one forces me to play the fool. And I'll never forget it. And no one forces me to play the fool.

The Duke of Discipline shall not play the fool. Laura, what is next on your, so far, incredible record? Thank you so much. I mean, we're just talking about some serious, serious emotions I've had. Ooh, okay, I have two that, no, they don't go together.

That's ridiculous. But I have two that I'm excited about. Try and make them go together. Okay. Okay. Wait. I feel like I could. Perfect plate of, I actually can.

I can. I found the connection. Perfect plate of Cacio e Pepe. Okay. And then you shit in your pants for a second time. Okay. Always pooping. Always be pooping.

ABP. ABP, classic. Perfect Plate of Cacio e Pepe mixed in with the movie The Holiday because Jack Black makes her that big plate of Alfredo when she's feeling down. Have we seen the movie? I've seen the movie.

I actually watched it recently again. Like, I'd seen it before, but I re-watched it for the first time in enough of a gap where I did forget the details you know it that movie does something to me that I'm not proud of but it happens every time and I find myself craving it holidays start and I go what is this feeling I gotta throw on the holiday with camera diaz and jude law everyone has that movie the holidays start the the feeling of the holidays gets in the air you see your first like toyota christmas commercial or whatever the fuck triggers it for you and for me it's I gotta when I get that when I get that holiday feeling deep in my soul

I gotta throw on the family stone oh I watched The Family Stone for the first time this year. So did I. And I got to tell you, it got to a part where everyone in the room kind of looked at me and said, oops. Yeah. I do recall. Wouldn't you rather have a normal child? Was it this?

Was it this? No. No, believe it or not. Believe it or not, it was a different part. Believe it or not, believe it or not, both kind of came through.

Oh, God. No, there was the the ill parent of it all that sort of made the room go and then sort of I mean, by the time you get to that, you're in the movie.

It's not, it doesn't happen right away. And they were like, we could watch something else it's like whoa we're 45 minutes into this of course we're gonna finish it and i'm very sad but i'm enjoying it very much you're gonna have to put up with whatever emotions i have while we watch but that was the first time i'd ever seen it oh i i saw it for the first time this year i had covet over christmas and i was alone i was quarantining my brother's house christmas uh on christmas night and watched it and actually okay well a friend had recommended it to me i had kind of a sick parent situation as well and she texts me 30 minutes in and she goes oh shit oh shit oh shit i'm sorry there's like

this subplot i'm like it's not even a subplot it's like a main thing it feels like a subplot because so many things happen before they even address it right right right let me tell you pretty much anyone that Shelby and I have talked to in the last year have had at the time or pretty soon

after developed a sick parent problem and I'm starting to think that we have a power a dark power a dark power pretty soon after developed a sick parent problem. And I'm starting to think that we have... A power. A power that we didn't ask for. A dark power. A dark power. Is it guesting on this podcast?

Well, my mom will be healed after this. Yeah, if you come to us, if you come to us on the day of your parent being sick, they'll be healed. If you come to us on the eve of your parent being very, very healthy, I got bad news for you. I got bad news. She's going downhill. She's going downhill fast.

It is so special that you made time for a movie during COVID Christmas. I'm glad you took time for yourself like that. Have a very COVID Christmas. It was so sad. Got positive test result Christmas morning and said, Queen.

Oh my God, to run down. I'm so sad. Got positive test result Christmas morning and said. Queen. I'm a hunk. Oh my God. To run down. Oh God. That is such a warm memory to run down the stairs on Christmas, look under the tree and find your positive COVID test. We all remember it. A little COVID ball with all its little spikes.

One year, the only thing I asked for was a positive COVID test and my parents did this super funny thing where they got me a bunch of gifts. They got me a bunch of gifts I didn't care about and then when I was kind of disappointed and they could tell, they said, go to the garage. And I went to the garage and I had a positive COVID test out there.

There it was. It's so beautiful. After I had hugged and kissed every person in my family because of the gifts. Kiss them on the mouth. That's what my family does. They said, now go to the garage. Now go to the garage. And I found out I was positive for COVID.

Whole family. God, it's so special that. It's so special that. It's so special that. It's so special that. It's so special that. Everyone remembers the first christmas they got um this speaking in that accent has me asking a question that i'm upset that i'm asking live because i do know that it makes me sort of like a serial killer do you guys ever get like chips

do you guys ever get like 20 minutes into a drive and realize you have not put any sound on in the car yes yes yes and that is some serial killer shit and then you're like oh whoa you're like oh god today that happened to me and then i was like i i found myself the thoughts in my head were in British and so I started I was like she's gotta get home no listen when that she has a rich man in her monologue this is all this means is that you're not you can't even focus on the fact that nothing's happening around you because of how loud your dumb thoughts are I I realized that there was when I left Tennessee, I came back and was in a car with a friend. And she said she was like, oh, this is a this is a joke we always make about you.

And I was like, what? And she was like, every time you get into Laura's car, it's either completely silent or it's NPR at like an almost inaudible. And I love that. There's nothing worse than the than worse than the prefix of a sentence being this is what we make fun of you for behind your back. She was very open. Someone texted me the other day and was just like I forgot to make fun of you for something

today and I was like go ahead and finish this sentence. That's really nice. Go ahead and finish your fucking sentence you psycho bitch. Now I'm running through everything I did in the day. There were a number of times. There was a lot of things I did, huh? There were a number of times in high school when I would do a closing shift at Applebee's after having gone to school all day.

And I would drive the 15 minutes home at like, you know, 1230 or 1 a.m. or whatever time it was. And I would 15 miles through like through town, through the country out to where we lived at the time. And I would like park in the driveway. And then I would have been sitting there for like four minutes, just exhausted. And I would go, Oh, I don't,

I don't recall making that drive. And there was no music. And I just, I don't know how I got here. Like I transported. Yes. I transported. Transported.

Yes. The drive home in your like, in your hometown. your hometown that was the most automatic thing in the world, and you would just completely shut off for 30 minutes at a time. I could have killed dozens of people. I have no idea. You probably did. I used to drive to school in college. I drove from Ohio to Vermont by myself.

Every day. And I would always do it in one day. Every day. She commuted every day. She didn't make it to either destination. She was just going to sleep. My parents didn't want me to live in the dorm. So I lived at home in Cleveland and I commuted to Vermont and no,

but I would, there would be like hour long patches where I would be like, and I was unconscious. I don't remember it. I couldn't tell you what it looked like. I couldn't tell you if I passed a car, if I had a thought, unique or otherwise. Like I was literally like I must have been asleep. I must have slept asleep I must have slept and driven in

an arresting state so funny that so funny that so funny that you know what's funny about that you know what's funny about that Laura we have we have come nearly to the end

of our time what all did we miss from your records do you want to tell us about them I'll run through this I also have one thing that come nearly to the end of our time what what all did we miss from your records do you want to tell us about them okay okay yeah i'll run through this i also have one thing that i want to throw away yeah and we want to hear easily we're gonna hear okay um oh this is one of my favorites when when you see a guy who looks like he would really suck but then he does something kind of nice but like something small like like give like an older lady a seat on a train or like smile at a kid in like a vulnerable way and you go hey listen maybe you're all right and it's hot that's so hot um yeah but also i don't really hot i don't know if you suffer from this infliction laura but the guy you described um and then you haven't seen him do anything nice also hot to me my type yeah where he doesn't have the redemption arc also my type

honestly hotter i've got a hardened right now. Or a Peaks hardened tour. That's the name of the app? Okay. Name of the tour. Chicken tenders and ranch from Nashville Shores Water Park. My first job. Hard to explain, but really a moment.

Oh, we know. We can tell. Yeah. I already have it in my head. The shitty shitty shitty chicken tenders that were like more bread than they were chicken dipped in a packet of ranch god damn on a summer night in tennessee unbelievable um that thing that people do really really sweet people do where when they're laughing you've made them laugh and they like they're not really audibly

laughing that hard but they reach in and they touch your arm to kind of like brace themselves against the laughter that one's kind of that one's very sincere and very hot um and beautiful the chem control scat video which i've heard has been brought up yes and we want it mentioned as long as many times as it can be it's one of the funnest things that exists listen i know that you will then ask me to do it but please just trust me that i have, I've memorized it. Do it now, do it now, do it now. Mama kippy, yebo, Santa re, pa-de-bo. I can't.

No, no, no, go, go, go. I want it, I want it. That Latin E quote. You day, sa-pa-sa-ray. Yeah, sa-pa-sa-ray. Oh, keep going. And he looked at all the he-dogs. And he looked at all the he-dogs and winked at all the she-dogs.

The town never knew such a hullabaloo as that little dog made till the end of that day and then what does she say about her husband she says they feel each other

he no he goes sorry guys one sec he he he's double checking he's checking my work wait that's his little date

that's his hold on hold on I'm sorry I didn't hear what you said What did you say? Oh yeah, I'm right out front with your Jerusalem Liquors order Oh, the wine

The wine's arrived Okay, one moment, I'll be right down Okay, sounds good Okay, don't go anywhere guys, I'll be right back Okay, okay, take your time The wine is here, I'm losing my mind The wine has arrived i'm right here with your liquor order i was hoping it was gonna be the guy and he would and he had both i think he put it on speaker might need my id wasn't the guy might need my id so how many people have brought up the kim kattrall scat video you will be lucky number three

oh I love it a perfect number perfect the comedy this is the third so I was trying to think of I think I have two favorite videos on the internet and if I went back further it would definitely be more but my other favorite one which is what I wanted to bring up but I don't think any I don't know if people have seen it is a video of like a British pop group that I don't even know their names, but it's all women. And they're playing a game on like a. It's the Spice Girls. That is so hard. I was born in 1941.

It's this British pop group, all girls, British. It's all girls. Pop group. And they had like, they had these interesting names. And all of them sort of had their own vibe. Spice Girls. A different thing going on. Laura, you're talking about the Spice Girls. Did you know of the Spice

Girls, Ginger's is the only spice? Wow. Deep, Shelby. And true. Very true. I got it. I got it. I did it, folks. I got it. I got his lines. I got it. I did it, folks.

I did it. You nailed it. I nailed it. What did I miss? Were you guys talking shit? No. Laura was telling me how she doesn't know who the Spice Girls are. That's not.

I don't really either. I don't really. Who does really? I don't really either. Everyone's like, oh my God, if you were born. And I'm like, I don't. I was born around the time I should have known. And I don't really know. I guess I wasn't born. I don't really either. Everyone's like, Oh my God, if you were born and I'm like, I don't, I was born around the time I should have known. And I don't really know. I guess I wasn't born. I don't know. I'm too young. I don't know.

I was trying to allude to this other video of these women, this British pop group, and I don't know their names. It was all women. And they're on this, like they're on like a, like a British like game show and they have to do an accent. And then the other group members have to guess what the accent is. And it's a little bit sensitive, but it's a white woman. And she gets Jamaica. She's like, do a Jamaican accent. And this woman does this exact, she does this exact thing. She goes, um, Oh, how do you, that's literally exactly what she does this exact thing she goes um oh how do you that's literally exactly what she does

go absurd go absurd and you can't get canceled if you absolutely make no fucking sense no one will say anything problematic exactly i'm gonna send it to you immediately after this. She's like, ba-da-ba-ba. You guys know. Ba-da-da. It is. It is.

Ba-da-da. Guess this country. Ba-da-da. I'll send it to you guys immediately after this. Okay. What else was on my list Hopping out of the pool at your friend's birthday party For a quick bite of a ruffle and onion dip

In the year 2000 A perfect image by the way Oh you're soaking wet You dry your little hand off that Kroger brand onion dip Right into it from a ruffle right into your mouth The movie Rat Race Which you may have talked about before i did one of my faves uh love rat race and then finally a camel cigarette because i love

because i love them and i'm addicted to them that's right i'm gonna need one in outer space or whatever yeah fuck i hope they get addicted to cigarettes. God, they'd be so cool. Imagine aliens coming down and being like, what do you guys do down here for fun? Y'all are fucking dumb, dude. They go, what do you guys do around here for fun? They go, that heartbeat just for me. Does that heartbeat? Lady. Lady, please. Hey, lady. Hey, lady. That heartbeat just for me. Does that heartbeat? Lady.

Lady, please. Hey, lady. Hey, lady. That heartbeat just for me. Lady. Hey, lady. Hey, my pretty little lady. They call all humans ladies.

Well, it would not be sort of powerful. It's not gendered. Ladies to them is people. They're like, this is what people are called. Okay, Laura, last thing. What is something you would delete from the records? I've thought long and hard about this, and I'm pretty proud of it. The thing I would delete is when you have a really good picture of yourself,

and you post it or whatever, and one of your friends says oh i didn't even recognize you god damn it go fuck yourself god damn it i can't believe electric chair i recognize me bitch that's me looking my best yeah that is saying you are ugly almost all the time that goes whoa this is crazy you look good for once you actually kind of looked that falls in actually same thing one time my friend told me that an outfit i was wearing was actually really cute i was like if you ever throw an actually into a compliment for me it's the the the qualification of a cop just fucking compliment me you can leave the qualification at home you can think it in your head like i didn't even recognize you.

No, you recognized me because you know it's me. You're commenting on it, your friend, and you wouldn't be commenting on it if it wasn't me, your friend. Exactly. Straight up mean. And the actually thing could mean one of two things. One, it could mean you actually look good and you never look good. Or like all of the elements of your outfit actually suck,

but somehow it actually works. You've struck gold on accident. Yeah. It's like you could never have done this somehow the fates have put something good in your hands but it is nothing to do with you you stupid like don't question it yeah wow no you're right i i that that is also there just are if you're lucky to be photogenic, which I am, and I think both of you are as well. Both are. Sometimes there are going to be pictures where you look significantly better than you do in real life. And I don't ever need you to say that to me.

What I need you to say is this looks exactly like how you look all the time and it's hot. Yeah. I need that verbatim commented on the picture. Yes. And there are subtle differences in the way people comment. Like I've noticed that people will comment, you look hot versus. You are hot. You are hot.

You're hot. Yeah. This is some detective work that needs to be done. I need people taken to court over some of these. Yeah. I'm sensitive and I'm ready to think about it too much. I'm sensitive and I'm ready to think about it too much. I'm sensitive and I'm ready to think about it too much.

That's the tea. Look, I'm weak and I'm thoughtful, but tread lightly. So you choose your words carefully when you talk to me and comment publicly in a way that I can read it apart piece by piece, day after day.

Be gentle with me. I dare you. Laura, we had so much fun with you that we literally forgot to do the whole premise of the pod for a big chunk of it. Hey, that was really, really, really fun. That was really fun. And I think the only way to make it up to our listeners is if you would tell them where they can find you.

That would be nice of me to do for them um i am on instagram at laura peak comedy p e e k and uh twitter laura peak p e e k also uh underscore amazing and hot and laura peak performed in cleveland um about two months ago and i have talked to so many people in cleveland who happen to be at that show little did i know and all have something nice to say about her not knowing that I know her. And they're right. That's really nice. That's really nice. I love Cleveland.

Laura has canceled every plan we've made together, so I'm sort of – Okay, drag. Tear it out. Tear it out. Tear it out. I'm complimenting Laura now because I can't do it in person because she's canceled. This is so awkward. Yikes.

We got to go cut the episode, cut the episode. It's over. Bye Laura. You were great. Let's get out of here. Bye Laura. We love you more. That was a Hidgum Original.