Keeping Records - Earth is Flat, Paul is Dead (with Mae Martin)

Episode Date: February 19, 2021

Comedian, writer, and actor Mae Martin (Feel Good) submits their Golden Record artifacts to Caleb and Shelby. They also discuss nude hide and seek, causing chaos in amusement parks, and bad psychic mediums. Mae's Artifacts The feeling of being about to be discovered in hide and seek (multisensory experience) Blake Lively in The Town saying "How do you know Dougie?" (multisensory experience) Hocus Pocus (audio-visual) The Beatles (audio) Original Voyager Artifact President Jimmy Carter's letter to the aliens (document) Follow Mae @TheMaeMartin and watch Feel Good on Netflix! Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Hi. Hey. How's it going? Be honest. Well, something sinister happened. What do you mean? In the world?

Well, in my world. Sure. Okay. I was ordering bagels with you. We were ordering bagels. Friend's birthday. Ruby. Happy belated.

And I'm scrolling the site. Oh, I hated this. Yeah. It was a real nightmare. I'm scrolling the site. Oh, I hated this. Yeah, it was a real nightmare. I'm scrolling the site to order bagels online. We start five, ten pictures of what you would expect. Bagels. Bagels.

Then there's a bagel with vegan cream cheese. And the image associated is a long-necked Furby sitting in a baby swing. I think surely this wasn a baby swing. Right. I think, surely this was a mistake. Sure. Surely some wires got crossed on some server, and this has been served to me. I keep scrolling. I say, forget about this.

Keep moving on. Mm-hmm. I'm stifling back tears, but I moved on. Mm-hmm. And then what happens next? We get to the bagel sandwiches. Right. And... And you're pretending to cry right now? They thought it was real. we get to the bagel sandwiches. Right. And, um,

and you're pretending to cry right now. They thought it was real. I gotta tell you, they might not have, but I just want to speak for the audience and saying, if anyone out there thought it was pretend, Oh, now she actually is. I'm not kidding.

Shelby is developing some tears. I can cry on command. And I was going to. God, we just finished the story. I just scrolled down. It's the bagel sandwiches. And there's six more pictures of six individual different long-necked Furbies.

There's a few things about this that I hate. But most of all, I think someone had to sew the necks on. I don't think those were ever sold that way. I hate the story. I hate the Furbies. I hate the conflict inherent between us now because I called out the crying thing. It's going to be a weird energy. I hate bagels. That's true. I hate bagels. But I ate one for our friend for her birthday because I'm extremely giving.

I just, I made Caleb pause Roseanne so that we could address sort of the elephant in the room, which was that there were long necked Furby's. I'm rewatching the original Roseanne, not the remake before she did. I also am to a point. Sure. I'm watching,

but you watch alone sometimes. Do you think at any point during the recording, you'll ask me how I'm doing? Here's the thing. Yeah. How are you? The problem was, was that that took so long. Yeah. Yeah.

And so I'll keep mine short. It's a give and take when you co-host a podcast. Shelby talks. Sometimes Shelby talks long. Sometimes Caleb talks long. We can't both talk long. You know, how am I, folks? With an X. I am good. I am... Alright, should we bring...

Alright, our guest today is so cool and hot. We love them. We're obsessed with them. You know them from their books. From Feel Good. Feel Good on Netflix. There's a new season coming out soon. hot we love them we're obsessed with them you know them from their books from feel good feel good on netflix there's a new season coming out soon you're all sort of horny for it just like us give it up for our incredible guest may martin hey that was so nice you're at such a disadvantage because we're recording at noon in la and you are it's what 8 p.m in london yeah it's 8 22 you guys are caffeinated yeah not only just like a little caffeinated both of us poured a second cup before we are buzzing right now yeah i'm like should i

should i make a coffee i'm also i'm getting it vicariously though. Like it's good. It's, I'm getting pumped. I'm so glad. How are you? How's everything? How's London? I mean, are you going to do the accent throughout? I might. You never know with me.

I'm a freak. Um, I, it's, it's okay. Like it's so London. Like I'm, I'm like cowering around a little heater in my apartment. Also, if I sound British at any time just call me out on it I fucking hate it it's it's the worst absolutely not we love everything about you including the guitars in the background yeah so many imagine if they were just cardboard cutouts I got to look cool or it's like a zoom background yeah

this is my apartment but this is like the tidy corner and the rest is really not looking good so yeah i love that i i used to have zoom meetings for a project i was working on with somebody who they took a screenshot of their bedroom when it was super clean and they would set that as a digital background every day so they didn't have to clean the room before work at that point just take it like a beach or something yeah yeah but they didn't want anyone they didn't want to be distracting they were like an assistant or pick a different room like you could find your dream room right keep your little office clean yeah um may look we brought you here for a reason we want to talk to you about what you would put

on your golden records what do you think what do you think i think i'm open to talking about it um i'm like honored to be invited i i think a lot about space especially so i have a roommate but she's gone away to stay with her boyfriend so i'm i've been alone a lot and um i virtual reality. It's like pathetic to be on your own in a virtual reality headset. Well, but there's something so much better about that than what you see when people post like a video of their friend doing it. And they're like walking around the room and you're like, it's at least you get to know that nobody's doing that to you. Yeah, it's an immersive solo experience. And I lock my friend door because I'm scared that you're unsafe. You're unprotected. You don't know doing that to you. Yeah, it's an immersive solo experience. And I lock my front door because I'm scared that you're unsafe, you're unprotected, you don't know who's around you.

Anyway, I've got this game where you zoom around space, and it's like photorealistic, the solar system, and you get serious vertigo, and you're like zooming around Saturn, and it's great. So I've been thinking a lot about the golden records, about the planets. Are you somebody who's comforted by space or thinking a lot about the golden records about the planets are you somebody who's comforted by space or scared by it the vastness of it um i'm sort of like drawn to it in a kind of okay sexual like dark way yeah um sort of horny yeah like it's so overwhelming and terrifying it'd be the worst way to go like just imagine just floating starving to death in your suit in your space suit that's horrible yeah that's if i ever went to space i couldn't leave

the capsule because i'd be so afraid of detaching so you wouldn't do like the spacewalk i would if we were landed somewhere like i would go onto the moon so no i wouldn't do the spacewalk i wouldn't like yeah in the middle of nowhere where like if i detach for some reason there's no hope what if we're you the three of us are in a spaceship god it would be fun okay fun fun but then there's like a problem with the ship me and caleb are busy we got other stuff going on we got other we're caleb's doing a different podcast like wait you guys are hanging out without me on the ship yeah well because you need to go out and fix it i think that's what may is getting at yeah would you do it would you fix it fix it life or death situation yes yeah that's actually true shelby would die for people i wouldn't die

for anybody yeah i tell caleb and I have this fight a lot. He would take a bullet for someone. And it's a fight. And it's a fight, by the way. We fight about this. Caleb would take a bullet for someone only if he could guarantee he wouldn't die. Wouldn't kill me. Yeah.

And I don't think that's true about myself. I think I would die. Would you die for people, Mae? No, I don't think that's true about myself i think i would do i think i would die would you die for people may um no i don't think yeah it's just not because i don't think they would want me to like you know what i mean yes well it depends on the person like would i die for joe biden For? Joe Biden. So would I die for, say, my mom? She would prefer I live than she. Exactly.

But on the counter of that, Caleb would let his mom go to jail for him. Yes. Like if Caleb committed a crime and his mom said, I will take the fall and go to prison for life for it. He would let her. I wouldn't do that. that really but i wouldn't die for my mom but i would go to prison instead of her going i i think the guilt of being in prison and her knowing that would be too much i'd want yeah i think she'd want to go for me yes see yeah listen here's the deal here's the deal here's where i'm i'm with me because well i know this was your original argument yes well and this came up because of an order of law this came up because we watched an episode of law and order together where our mom wanted to do that and the kid was too overtaken

with guilt could never be me in order to die or or go to jail for somebody or something that i would have to love them so much and anybody i love to that extent wouldn't want me to do it exactly so maybe when we have kids you and me our kids yeah our kids together yeah having kids on the ship together while you're fixing this this sucks it's really tough to be shelby we land everyone's like how is the trip and i go hey we're like really like they had kids yeah i think i would probably die for my kids i think well i mean from what everyone says about it that seems like that's the vibe based on the rumors yeah yeah conceptually i would die for kids yeah okay what would you put on your records okay um i yeah i mean i okay i sent

you a list like a couple of hours ago and i i truly feel like a different person now just i don't know i don't know who that person was yeah we don't either but yeah some of them i stand by so let's see the first thing i put was that feeling can you put feelings on the record oh yeah big time oh big time okay um the feeling when you're a kid and you're or an adult to be fair playing hide and seek and you're like maybe in the dark like playing hide and seek in the dark in a house or in the forest or something and you're hiding by yourself and you're waiting to be found and like your heart is pounding do you hate wait do you hate that feeling you said like i said you love it like it was yeah

it's kind of warm you know yeah yeah it's like it's so rare that we feel alive on this earth and that's that's one of the times well there's that like moment when you hear the footsteps coming close and you want to peek so bad yeah you're like if i peek i'm dead i'm done yeah yeah so you're just sitting there being like, if I peek, I'm dead. I'm done. Yeah. Yeah. So you're just sitting there being like, and you're holding your breath, which is making your heart pound faster. Like it's cyclical.

Your heart's pounding. You hold your breath. It gets worse. And then, um, if they keep walking, like you hear the footsteps get further away. Yeah.

There's like a, just like, yeah. And like, have you ever played sharks and minnows yeah is that where so if someone finds you they stay with you yes i thought that was sardines so sardines is what i meant and you got you got it you got it perfectly you're hiding you're having that feeling you're like you're real scared and then someone comes and instead of being scared

you get to go i love this and then they join you well and then and then there's like stifling the giggling like you're like love that feeling love yeah so at one time like eight years ago i was at some house party and we were all playing hide and seek in the dark and uh someone put on enya and it was playing through the house and it's just like a really kind of trippy vibe and then so i go and i'm i'm looking around and then i find this woman who i have not met before she's at the party and she's naked she's like hiding under a table and she just took off all her clothes as like a scandalous outrageous thing to do and i'm like oh my god now i get i have to get under the table with her it was like the craziest most thrilling i'll remember it forever and you were like I guess I have to take on what

yeah it was part of the game I did not know what to do and also you have to be quiet there's people looking around so I was I couldn't be like what the fuck are you doing and I take games pretty seriously too so I was like I'm not gonna I'm just gonna hide so do you still know her have you known her since yeah i do know her yeah i mean she's in canada okay i find her captivating she's she's captivating yeah yeah i love that so much that's a person i really love yeah i would never do that but i love that she was a she is like a really outrageous character. She had like an alter ego called Sasha Van Bon Bon. One time we had to go and do like a pride festival in like a tiny suburban Canadian town. And we share a hotel room.

And she went out for so long in the middle of the night. I didn't know where she was. She came back. She had a steak on a plate. But it was like four in the morning. I don't know where she got it still to this day. A scandalous. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. I one time went to a conference in college with, uh, I got roomed with another gay guy. Um, and I thought he was pretty cute. I was like, we're definitely going to hook up on this trip. And, uh, you know, know, the rules were that we couldn't leave the

room after like, 11pm or something. They're like, you have to be in your rooms. And he was being really nice to me. So I was like, he wants to hook up with me. I get jokes on them. We're gonna have sex even with the rules. And then like, you know, it's pretty close to curfew. And he goes, Hey, can I ask you something? It's kind of weird. And I was like, he's gonna ask me to have sex and I'm gonna say yes. And he was like, I really want to ask me to have sex and I'm going to say yes. And he was like, I really want to go hook up with this guy I met, but would you cover for me and not tell on me?

And I was like, and I was like, I would literally love to. That's so awesome. Like I was so down. I was like, I'll even come up with a story like about what movies we watched. And he was like, thanks.

You're the best. And then he went and hooked up with this other guy, came back at like 5am. It was so embarrassing oh my god i wish i could see an image of like the the half a second before you were you like recovered and were like yeah i'd love that oh i would love to be your store your cover yeah oh wait i love hijinks. This is awesome. Yeah. I was like 20 and I really bounced back quick from things like that when I was 20. I was like, I'm in college. It says nothing. But I look back on it now and I'm like, I wouldn't take that the same now. My dad used to be like, if I had friends over, if it was all girls, which jokes on him, but if it was all girls,

I never had to ask. But if it was co-ed, I'd have to ask. Again, huge prank on my dad. Massive prank on the parents that they thought the same sex world was going to stop us from having a good time. And my younger brother is gay and they were always like, girls can sleep over for you. And I was like, I guess I'm just like less obvious. I don't know.

That's awesome. But I had a bunch of girls over one time and we like, yeah. We started doing this like prank because the first person that came, all the lights off were off in the house and she came into my room and was like, it was so fucking scary to find your room in the dark. And I was like, oh, we should prank people. So then everyone that came, we were like, someone's in the house. Like made them like run to my room. Oh my God.

Someone's in the house is a sentence you say as a teenager so much. I always thought someone was breaking into my house. Yes. Were you guys fun at sleepovers or were you like stressed out that people didn't want to go sleep? What's the answer you want from us, right? You go first and then we'll follow suit. I think I wanted to like I would drink Jolt Cola and stuff and just like be manic. And we'd like call into radio stations and stuff okay cool we're with you but if you were gonna be the one

who was like we i really hated being there and it was bad and it's a dark time for me we would have gone down that road with you the one thing is when people would want to watch like the blair witch project or scream or something i'd like call my parents sometimes just to be like, is this cool? Is it all right if I do this? Yeah. Yeah. I would get deeply hurt when people wanted to start settling down. Like, you know, around like 3am people would be like, let's put on a slow movie. Like let's put on like a, like a rom-com or something, something kind of quiet in the background. And I was like, no, we need to play video game. Like I would get like my feelings hurt. I was like, why are you trying to go to sleep when i'm awake with you

right now there's two there's two it's twofold for me one i wanted to keep having fun two if you there was like little pranks if you're the first of all asleep and i was like never will that be me never will i have something drawn on me never will i have a picture taken of me looking like really embarrassing when i'm sleeping yeah i will be the picture taker i will be the artist i will be the predator i will be the i will be the bully i will not be the bully well you had a choice to make yeah and i and i made mine i was rarely actually doing the thing it was less about doing it and more about i don't want to have it done to me yeah it's kill or be killed at sleepovers oh yeah they're brutal yeah yeah yeah i want to have it done to me. It's kill or be killed at sleepovers. Oh, yeah. Sleepovers are brutal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want to have them all the time. A slumber party is unbeatable, but how come adults don't have them more often? I want to invite my friends around for a sleepover, but we all sleep in my living room. I do that. You do? Not anymore because of the pandemic. But yeah, right before the pandemic, I had a big sleepover with my friends. What if Caleb just added on the podcast that he has 15 friends over every night for a sleepover

i've been having big pandemic sleepovers yeah wait what pandemic yeah or you just suddenly see 10 people walk by in my background in my zoom pajamas they're like all making snacks like hey hurry up adults are so much weirder about sleeping in their space yeah yeah yeah like oh no i'll stay like till 5 a.m but i just want to make sure i get back to my bed and you're like really yeah why yeah why are we all such losers now yeah we did get all lame i will say though the biggest thing to me about the idea of i do want i do want to get married i do think i'm you know in a really sick way monogamous um i love how we jumped here there's a point to it which is the thing that scares me most about it actually

you're spending your life with somebody yeah is sharing a bed i don't want anyone in my fucking bed i hate it like long term well there's those couples that do like twin beds yeah and i always thought that was lame when it was like on tv and they were like old people sleep in separate beds like you know like when it was like your grandparents probably sleep in two twin beds i thought that was so sick but now i'm like that's the best thing i've ever heard yeah yeah my parents sleep in separate beds and then every time they i have like a friend over or they meet someone they feel the need to assert that they still have a sex life like they tell the person like they're like oh no but we still we still have sex we get down don't worry that's because they're not in love right they don't live together so it would be tough to sleep

in the same bed every night it would be such a trek yeah and it would be really toxic if they were like we're not together but we sleep in the same bed well that could be really a good story though yeah for who television film i'm always thinking about that kind of stuff that's you're sick in the head mate okay so we did that feeling of hiding during um hide and seek what what else well wait i have a quick follow-up okay please okay so you're sending the feeling of being a kid hide-and-seek. Do you also want them to experience it? Do you want to send them like a rule sheet of here's how you play hide-and-seek, go do it, and then see if they can like emanate it?

Or just tell them this is how this feels and like be done? I want them to emanate it. Okay. We're playing hide-and-seek in space. Yeah, we're playing hide-and in space yeah we're playing hide and seek in space and who knows how big these guys are they might be like the size of planets so they're hiding behind like galaxies they could be so much bigger than us that's hot oh my god that's so hot they're like tall yeah if aliens are big i'm like i'm sorry but i'm horny yeah

really there's so many people who have um giant fetishes about giants like amazon women like amazon women where they're like the size of the woman's toe yeah really that's not it for me that doesn't do it for me but i think it's awesome that some people feel that i need more gay men to have that i should be i should be really getting late if that's true i'm big i'm tall and i'm like a you know who's probably so hot to those people the green beans guy from the cans 100 percent dolly green i thought you were gonna say the guy from the longest yard well there's a couple giants in that movie you're talking about the great khali yeah yeah he's big no i'm talking

when i say giants i mean like size of a building like mythical giants that's a fetish yes like like jack and the beanstalk giant whoa that would be hot right it's the ultimate dom and sub relationship totally if they could crush you by by touching simply breathing yeah yeah yeah wow okay next thing on your records um okay the next thing on my list is um the way blake lively says the line how do you know dougie in the movie the town you used to hang around with doug mccray a little bit huh how do you know dougie come on come on i literally am blushing yeah it's hot but it's so basic like it makes me feel like i'm so basic that i'm into that it's like vocal fry like she just sounds really like slutty.

I don't know, but I love it. She has a slutty voice, but it is hot. I love it. I think other people have that fetish because a lot of people have searched for it on YouTube. It's hot. That's why.

Yeah. Blake Lively is hot. I was able to convince myself I was straight for a little bit longer because of Blake Lively's role in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I was going to say, alternatively, I think I became gay. Queer. From Blake Lively in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I've never seen that movie. She's a hot girl.

She looks like herself. Playing soccer. Hot girl. A lot of issues. A lot of baggage. Similar to me is the way Leonardoonardo dicaprio says rose in titanic where it's kind of croaky like it's like rose you know maybe i just like croaky you like someone who's smoked a little someone who's smoked they've lived a little they've smoked

and they're like straining someone who's someone who just got off like a three-day bender at an amusement park been screaming at the top of their lungs the whole time and now it's just kind of like they're like how do you know dougie yeah yeah yeah yeah wait that's a good really quick side question though for you may do you fuck with roller coasters oh big time nice yeah do you mind going upside down love it thank you love it but you know what i wouldn't necessarily choose although although if there's no other options, I'm doing it, is just the drop. Just like where you just go up and drop. But I'll do it. But I prefer upside down spirals, you know? Yeah, absolutely. this is like a prank people do and it's so messed up that they'll carry like a nut and bolt in their pocket and then when they get on they'll drop it right as you go up so that someone hears that fall and thinks that something broke oh my god that's people think they're gonna die that's

fucked up it's really fucked up so much i love the photographs that you buy after do you guys buy the photographs yeah i do now do you try and time it where you do something funny on the photograph or are you just letting your emotions hang free so i went to jewish summer camp oh famously i love how we got here yeah yeah well we twice a summer go to an amusement park called fun town in Maine. A little on the nose. Amply named the water park attached splash down, splash down USA. And there is like one big roller coaster and then a bunch of small ones. But when on the big one,

the goal is this is like the thing we used to do at camp was to switch shirts by the time with the person next to you by the time you got to the photo oh that makes me so mad so you oh that why because you're like they're not present in the moment like no so you would just i don't know why it makes him mad it just is such a it's such a like teenager thing to do i just i i can think about being the chaperone of that and being like why are are you guys wearing different shirts? Why is this happening? Well, we used to get in trouble with the park because you'd have to take off your shirt. Yeah. And you're like 13.

So we would get in a lot of trouble with the park about it. But the whole thing was that like, we would get on, take the picture while we're swimming and then be switched and then try and switch back by the time you dock. So it was like a game. That's really hard to do. Excalibur is the name of the roller coaster oh that's the name of the roller coaster i thought it was the name of the game and i was like really involved i'm sure there's a reason the name of the game is more just let's switch shirts quickly before yeah i i went to um euro disney last year and then I lined up for so long to go on Tower of Terror. And is that what it's called?

Yeah. And then I stupidly for the picture, I like gave the finger like I thought I was being cool. And then when I went to buy it, so excited. They were like, we're not selling it to you. And they were like, you're not allowed to do that at Disney. And so I couldn't get the photo. It's crazy. And I got in trouble because i said i would give darth vader a blow job in in front of like and then they came up and said you can't say that in front of kids um no there were no kids there so i guess it's like you can't say that in front of our staff disney

adults you can't say that in front of disney adults our staff shouldn't have to hear that our staff shouldn't have to hear that i'm sorry babe you need to go i okay i wonder going back to blake lively may yeah do you have any um i don't want to say celebrity but like well-known crushes that you want to discuss or that you're willing to discuss like so many but um i think blake lively in that movie reminds me of camp counselors actually in general she reminds me of like camp counselors yeah has that vibe generally which is i think why i'm so into her totally because that was the formative years for me anyone who could like drive a boat and wore like oakley sunglasses and like yeah oakleys oakleys were huge yeah wow driving a boat i remember this camp counselor i had saying in

front of tons of other kids when i was about 13 she was like you have a huge crush on me in front of everyone i was like no i don't i ran away but I've fully I think I spent the whole summer trying to get her to like physically fight me like that was the only way I could like that was the only way that I could like make sense of my feelings like I was like put them up you were like hit me hit me yeah literally that yeah um I woke up at camp. I'm sorry to keep talking about my time at summer camp, but we're back. I woke up in the middle of the night once and my camp counselor was sleepwalking and she started screaming at me. She's sleeping, but I don't know that.

I just think I'm in trouble. She's not making a ton of sense. I'm confused. I was getting up to go to the bathroom. She kept telling me to get back in bed and I was like, oh my God. And then she pushed me and I got back in bed and like didn't go to the bathroom. She kept telling me to get back in bed. And I was like, oh, my God. And then she pushed me. And I got back in bed and, like, didn't go to the bathroom and just, like, didn't really sleep. Like, I was just like, I've been assaulted.

Oh, my God. Are you sure she didn't sleep? And the next morning I, like, cowered away from her. And she was like, she sat me down for a separate conversation and was like, what's going on with you? And I was like, well, you were, like, really mean to me last night. And, me last night and like i'm just like i guess like i don't know what that was about she was like i didn't mean to i didn't don't remember this at all she had no recollection of it it was fully in her sleep she should have put that on like her form when she applied to be a counselor yeah like i'm gonna assault kids in my sleep just so you know every once in a while i'll brawl with

the children in my sleep yeah she pushed me i got back in bed and i was like i guess if i have to pee bad enough i'll do it in here i it was like i'm not about to get hit again i spent a summer as like i was like 20 and i was trying to get off drugs and I went back to my old camp that I hadn't been to since I was a kid and uh and worked as like the camp photographer I don't know why they I think it was like out of the kindness of their hearts they were like we're not going to trust you with the kids but you can be the camp photographer and just like like smoke cigarettes in the bushes like a weirdo so but I had this really good summer there and then one night so I was asleep in the cabin with my friend who worked there.

And then little knock on the door and this tiny boy is there. He's like too young to be at camp, you know, six, seven. And he's really upset. And we're like, what's wrong? And he's like, a bird got me, a bird got me. Like, what do you mean a bird? And we're like, you're really, we like gaslit him. Like, we're like, you're really tired.

You need to just go to bed. A bird didn't get you. Like, this is so dumb. And then he's like no look and he we look up and an owl is like preying on him like circling in the air and the owl had like like i guess thought he was a mouse or something and like had been dive bombing him and attacking him and you gaslit him and yeah we were like there's nothing there this This is in your head, babe. I honestly really relate to you asking your crush to fight you. Because the first three times I hooked up with guys when I was in the closet,

I was just like, do you want to wrestle? Yes. And then if they actually tried to win, I was like, they're not trying to fuck. But then if they weren't. You ask me to fight all the time. Yeah, but that's just because I have like disdain for you. There are times when you fight someone because you don't respect them fundamentally and you need to get out the anger. And then there are times when you're in the closet and you're 17 that you ask to fight someone because you're wondering if maybe it'll turn into something more. Okay, I just didn't know you were in the closet straight trying to fight me.

No, no, I'm not in the closet straight. I guess I don't know if I would be out about that anymore. It's kind of becoming old hat to be straight it's not really working out anymore right it's like getting kind of gross like i'm just assuming if these aliens are advanced i'm like it it just went i didn't even question that they would be queer and like genderless and like i don't think anyone that's come on the pod has questioned that every single person has been like oh yeah and they're genderless and they're queer like we just are all there yeah yeah well we have cool people on the pod yeah there's definitely some pretty not cool people

who are like no all aliens are men and they're christian and they believe in our god aliens are christian men put it in the rules may what else would you put on your records? Okay, on the records, I'm putting the movie Hocus Pocus, I think. Oh, yeah. Love to hear it. I just think it has aged really well. It's a really great example of our creativity as a planet. And actually, that's, yeah, all my major crushes are in it.

Wow. The three witches. You asked my major crushes are in it wow those the three the three witches you asked about my crushes well i like like very outrageous women who are very like like and boy do you get it in that film boy do you get it yeah um who are very like sort of uh flamboyant and outrageous and then i like kind of soft shy mumbly men who are like, kind of like unassuming and, and where they're like, am I alive? And you have to be like,

yes, you can be, you know, you can come to life. You can be a real boy. Yeah. That's yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I love that. I, the only thing I worry about in terms of putting on the records, it doesn't mean we can't, I were going to, because you said so, but the guy who the zombie,

the guy who comes to life from the earth yes i don't want the aliens thinking we really have that going on that's really a good point we just put a disclaimer up top oh yeah include a note this doesn't happen but you're okay with them thinking about like talking cats and witches are happening yeah yeah i think that presents a much happier picture yeah yeah also i think i actually haven't thought this properly through that's just a movie i want to watch again i i like i don't i think actually if we're going to put a movie to represent like the world it should be maybe one of the christopher guests like waiting for guffman or best in show because that's really what humans

are like is that they're just very um unselfaware people who are really dramatic about very mundane things that's what our species is so that would be an accurate i think thing yeah best in show is so good yeah and it is like you're right the magic of those movies it says me who am i in my opinion is it's just the little tiny human things the little like ways that people say things and the little like what they're hiding about like their little insecurities it it is a good display of like human mediocrity totally yeah all the people in it are such good character actors that they have like such specific quirks to their character where you're like oh people actually have these

like little it's not just like this is the stereotype of like nice guy it's like this guy cares so much about like dogs yeah and total commitment all those actors like a hundred percent commitment like katherine o'hara talking about anything but like her just in tears about some stupid thing is my favorite thing i personally want katherine Catherine O'Hara doing, you know how Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter did the intro to the original Golden Records. Oh my God. Yeah. And it's like beautiful.

Catherine O'Hara has got to do it. I want Catherine O'Hara to do ours. Fuck, that's a great idea. If she's willing. Wow, that's a good question too. Who would you have intro your personal record? Mae, who would you have intro your personal record? May, who would you have intro your personal record? I want to say Blake Lively in that tone. Just like, just like, hey, yeah. But I think I'm going to say Obama, I guess. I think he's just got a very wonderful voice. I know he's not perfect or like the perfect example of a human man, but it's his voice and his way of speaking he's very articulate and i think i'd be like oh these guys are okay yeah yeah jimmy carter's

speech was stunning there's audio of him doing it no no he just included it as a writing wow i thought he said it oh we'll read it then brother does he say anything good yeah let's hear it this voyager spacecraft was constructed by the United States of America. We are a community of 240 million human beings among the more than 4 billion who inhabit the planet Earth. We human beings are still divided into nation states, but these states are rapidly becoming a single global civilization. We cast this message into the cosmos. It is likely to survive a billion years into our future, when our civilization is profoundly altered and the surface of the Earth may be vastly changed. Of the 200 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy,

some, perhaps many, may have inhabited planets and space-faring civilizations. If one such civilization intercepts Voyager and can understand these recorded contents, here is our message. This is a present from a small, distant world, a token of our sounds, our science, our images, our music, our thoughts, and our feelings. We are attempting to survive our time so we may live into yours. We hope someday, having solved the problems we face, to join a community of galactic civilizations. This record represents our hope and our determination and our goodwill in a vast and awesome universe. Signed Jimmy Carter, President of the United States of America on June 16th, 1977.

I blacked out a while ago. Yeah, it's long, but it really is beautiful. It is beautiful. Yeah, no, it is. The part that's really nice is just that last part. Yeah, I love goodwill. I love the hopefulness. Speaking of the best parts of the human spirit, I wish there was less stuff about it.

Yeah. Well, the good part is the last part, which he does like section separately. And it's just like, this is a present from a small distant world to give you what this is. And we want to live into your time so that we can become a global civilization. That part's really cool. I hope the aliens have the wherewithal to skip to the last part.

They won't. I don't think. Because how would they do? They probably read so much quicker than us, though. Well, I'm dyslexic. So that took longer than it might have taken someone else. Yeah. Might take aliens less time. No, you read that really well wait thank you i thought you read that

beautifully yeah it made me think that actually like on the records that you guys send out maybe may stop it i start sobbing sorry you're so i'm crying i'm crying so hard well when we send out our records it'll be shel Shelby reading that and then directly after it'll be me singing it. And I'd be willing to harmonize. I don't know how to harmonize really. I don't either. It escapes me. Would you sing it like in a kind of

Mariah Carey style? It'll be like, this is a present from a distant world. A token of our sounds, our signs, our images, our music of our sounds our science our images our music our thoughts and our feelings you would absolutely do that with feelings give it a little run well you know because i can kind of do that and it's the only thing i have in terms of musical talent is maybe like halfway being able to do a run so i would have to include that yeah and also like the sun is running out of fuel like like this is a finite amount of time that we have it's like

1000 no question gonna end because the sun will run out of fuel so it makes sense to just send stuff off just in case because yeah yeah why not we have to have something yeah um back to hocus pocus so that movie for you all of those are your crushes for me the witch movie that does that is uh practical magic oh love love sandra bullock and uh is that nicole kidman yeah big time she's never done it for me since but in that movie she really does not in big little lies no fair enough take it back listen i want i i want to be on the same page as you on this i just i and honestly i want to be on the same page as you guys on everything and it's actually it made it making the list really hard and uh we're on your page we're on your page about their list even if we disagree we're on your page about their list. Even if we disagree, we're on your team. Okay. There's, what did I just watch

with Nicole Kidman? It was that mystery. Oh, Woman in the Mysterious Town starring Nicole Kidman. She won an Oscar for that. The Undoing, The Undoing,

The Undoing, The Undoing, The Undoing, The Undoing. And I really, I liked The Undoing, but I think it squashed any sexual chemistry I had with Nicole Kidman.

Okay, look, I have to say something personal. Before we go on with the rest of this episode, we need to take a break. Oh, sure. Alright, Mae. Oh, we're back. Time to play this or that. Oh my god dad it's time it's time to play this or that this or that that should i should re-record the segment singer to get rid of me no you would do it too you would do a voice like that go ahead do it say this or that in that voice do it again and i'll mimic it's time to play this or that it's time to play this or that never mind we'll keep the woman 60 seconds on the clock starting now power rangers or ninja turtles power ranger travel to the past or travel to the future future uh know how you will die or know

when you will die oh when eggs benedict Eggs Benedict or Benedict Cumberbatch? Eggs. Hot dog or hamburger? Hamburger. And Sinker Backstreet Boys? Backstreet Boys. Come on. Always 30 minutes late or always 30 minutes early? 30 minutes early.

Frito-Lays or Frito-Colo? Frito-getting late. Okay. Every night, sleep in a bed for four hours or sleep on the floor for eight hours? Floor. Lawyers or doctors? Doctors. Every night, sleep in a bed for four hours or sleep on the floor for eight hours? Floor. Lawyers or doctors? Doctors.

Getting a kiss from your enemy or getting your ass kicked by your hero? Oh, ass kicks. That's my thing. We've learned that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Driving or flying? Driving. Pole vault or 100 meter dash?

100 meter dash. Giving gifts or receiving gifts giving gifts and that's our time whoa that was so fun you did really great i honestly could do that for like 10 hours i do love that your thing that's coming out over this podcast is that you just really want hot people to kick your ass well what's interesting to me is that getting a kiss from my enemy also seems kind of hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my thing, actually.

That's hot, too. If I had to pick my thing. Getting my ass kicked by my hero, hot. Getting a kiss from my enemy? Look, all we know is what we don't want is a healthy mutual relationship. All I know is that I don't want someone to kiss me if they're into me and it's mutual. Yes, literally.

I want someone who hates me to love me or vice versa we've gotta exactly exactly may what else would you put on your records the beatles all of them like okay already going the safe route you're not gonna you're not gonna kill a couple of them off the records yeah i think i just i this is not like being funny i just genuinely think the beatles and if you're gonna put one group out that represents like human music to put it put their whole i'm a big beatles fan what is your favorite beatles song you have to pick one no you're not allowed to pick more than one. What would you pick? A Day in the Life, I think. I read the news today,

oh boy. Yeah, Day in the Life. But I just don't like it when people go, I don't like the Beatles. It's like, what do you it's like saying you don't like dogs or something. We're at odds on this. Caleb doesn't like the Beatles. I really don't like the Beatles, but i will tell you

i think it's because i didn't get into them young enough and my brother really liked them okay and that was enough for me to just be like it's over i don't want to like try to change you or anything but or like but can i send you like a playlist listen i'm being dead ass serious if you send me send me a playlist ranked and like create an experience i will i will if you tell me how to sit how to cure i'll do everything you tell me and i will really try to get on board okay i think you may be right that it's like if you don't get into them early you're but but i am gonna make you the playlist because maybe maybe you're thinking of like you know let it be and you're like i've heard that song a lot and whatever but that's maybe you know if you had dedicated time i will do it i would do it because you told me to universe

no i haven't oh oh well this is interesting we got a yes and it seems to be painting a picture so maybe that's why you don't like The Beatles, because you didn't like that movie. Well, I'll tell you what. In exchange for giving your playlist a really good intentional listen, you have to watch that movie. Sure. Okay.

Sure. Yeah, yeah. What if they hate The Beatles after this? They're huge fans their whole life. I'm also just now thinking if the aliens listen, maybe, I don't know, we need to clarify some things. Because if they if they hear like like the lyrics are literally we all live in a yellow submarine and they're gonna be like oh that's weird they're like they do okay word um yeah but then there's across the universe wait we've mentioned this once before we're gonna bring it back up the beatles were

almost on the original records really but the beatles management were afraid of copyright infringement and they uh wait pulled out wait wait wait they were afraid the aliens were gonna copy the songs yeah they were like it was something about their yeah they were like we shouldn't be releasing this this way like we can't monetize it or something they fully pulled out i gotta tell you i'm liking the beatles last from hearing no oh my god no who doesn't want their stuff going out into space that's crazy i know they were supposed to i can't remember what song it was gonna be i feel like it was was it here comes the sun no way yes that's so funny i thought it was gonna be across the

universe oh yeah it totally should be across the universe oh yeah it totally should be across the universe here comes the sun is sinister so let me tell you guys i just looked this up one of carl sagan who did the golden records his collaborators john lomberg who also did some art for the records um has gone on to say that carl sagan really wanted to put here comes the sun on the records. They said it was the most obvious choice of music to put on there. The Beatles were sort of the absolute peak of Western musical achievement at the time, compared them to William Shakespeare. But then, yeah, like Shelby said, the disputes came up, and instead they put Chuck Berry on.

Yeah, right. Which, I mean, Chuck berry famously inspired the beatles so yeah they're going to the root that makes sense yeah but isn't that a crazy beatles fact that's a great beatles fact you guys want to know a couple good facts yes okay more than anything okay the word gorilla it comes from the ancient greek gorilla which means hairy women All gorillas are women All gorillas are women is what I'm getting at I've always said that 24 people a year Die from champagne corks

24 people No Every year 24 people have such an embarrassing Funeral If someone dies from a champagne cork That really ruins the mood of the party huh all right what else um the average person spends 375 days of their life folding laundry i guarantee you i'm the one bringing that average down

guarantee i'm i'm the one keeping it at $375 and not $500. Yeah. I never fold my laundry. Yeah, I don't really either. Who's doing it? Parents. Moms. Did I kill you?

Yeah, moms. Do you think I killed the vibe with the facts or what? No way. I'm obsessed with a fun fact. Do you have more? I have so many. Go. Okay, give us one more.

Would you put a fact book on the records? Just like quick facts? Fun facts? Oh, yeah. Why not? Yeah. Why are we like dicking around? Yeah.

It'd be so smart. Why are we fucking around on this podcast? We need to start getting serious. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Instead of being like, this is how many people live on Earth, we give them a couple of fun facts. They're like, we don't care.

We don't care. If someone were to tell me something about Martians. Yeah. Famously, the things that live on earth we give them a couple fun facts they're like we don't care if if someone were to tell me something about martians yeah famously the things that live on mars and they were like this is how many of us there are this is what we eat i'd be like cool but i want the facts yeah but they were like every year one of us tries to celebrate and kills our friend that's funny sometimes we have so much sex that we die aliens like we have sex for so long that we forget to eat and drink and we die i'd be like i want to meet these guys yeah i want to know the fun facts so i'm yeah i'm on board with this exactly i want to know about like their eccentric leader and so like and i want to know how big they are i can't stress that

enough i haven't been able to stop thinking about it since may said we don't know how big these boys are it's on my mind okay all i think about with aliens is like i like these boys all i think about is um like you know how an atom looks kind of like a solar system there's a thing in the center and then things go so like what if our solar system is just an atom in a giant being's body sorry guys that is so profoundly cool to consider but it comes back to a big problem that i have with this podcast and with with space in general i mean i've talked about this on the pod before i think but you know that video may maybe you've seen it where you zoom out yeah it goes earth the sun the next planet and then it does it like 500 more times until you get the truth which is that earth is universally nothing a speck of dust at most which makes us significantly

less than nothing we're fractions of nothing well that puts me in a pretty bad space i flip back and forth and you kind of got to this earlier when you were like are you comforted or are you terrified and i'm both i can depending on my mood find myself being like wait it's awesome that we're nothing nothing like i don't need to be stressed about things because i am but a speck a speck yes yeah well i was having i took a probiotic today oh my god thank you thanks thank you and uh when I took it, I noticed on the thing, it was like 1 billion probiotics in each pill. And I just took it and then I was like, wait, 1 billion. And like, are they alive probiotics or something? What are they?

Like 1 billion. That's inside you now. That's a genuine question though. Are they alive? Yeah. Probiotics? Are they like living? Yes. I believe that's true.

I'll say no just for fun. Yeah. I'm pretty sure the answer is yes. You're being wrong for fun. There's like billions of microscopic organisms in our bodies. Anyway. It is not acceptable to me. Me neither.

I don't like to think about it. Except I did used to watch that video sometimes when i would get upset about improv like a bad audition i'd be like it doesn't matter the people in that room who told you no are also nothing they're also just yeah but then there's times where i can sit down and be like holy shit and it never feels it just feels like my mind can't wrap around it like i i sit there and i'm like what do you mean yeah that's when i start to get on board and it's not that i'm on their side but it's when i start to understand a flat earther i'm like oh this is really hard to understand like it's the there's like the flat earthers that are like space is a projection by the government

an insane take yeah such a bold take yeah yeah yeah they're like when you look at the stars that's we've put that there it's a projection that would be kind of comforting to think and oh my god right i start to understand becoming a flat earther may's gonna to leave this podcast hating the Beatles and believing in the flat earther theory. Mae came on and said, love space, love the Beatles. Yeah. Watch my Twitter after this. Watch the space. Yeah.

I've been radicalized. Like I'm a flat earther. Yeah. But it is like, conspiracy theorists are funny too like i like to watch videos of them talking because i find them to be funny but like sorry if people are them um most of our listeners deeply unwell people with a lot of skepticism but i get wanting that to be the truth it's so much easier to be like oh we are the only things on earth. And the thing that we're looking at is powerful people have pretended that there's space to, I guess, keep you in line.

I don't know what the goal is. I don't know what the goal would be. Yeah. May, I want to ask you a question. Yes, Caleb. I'll be honest. Okay. This just came to my mind.

One of my powerful little thoughts okay if i came to you and i was in charge of everything yeah and i said may i can give you starting from today 20 more years on you know what hell with it let's say 40 i can give you 40 more years on earth and life will just happen however it happens you get 40 more years on earth that's what you're guaranteed or i tell you and i guess in this scenario maybe i'm god i can tell you or you can move to mars and colonize it with other people we'll send a couple other people and you can get guaranteed 65 years would you do it that's a really good question okay i've seen the documentaries about the people who are

signing up to go to mars and they are not the type of people that you want to be the vibes are all what if you get to pick the people you get to pick the people yeah in that if i to pick the people? You get to pick the people. If I can pick the people, I'm going to Mars. But you have to tell, everyone knows you picked. Yeah. And you can only pick five. And so anyone that's not the five knows that you picked other people instead of them. That's interesting. Yeah.

And also, it's pretty claustrophobic, isn't it? Because I'd be in a pod, realistically. I'm in a pod. I'm eating potatoes grown from poo. Yeah. It's's oh oh man i know you're picking the people i'm gonna stay on earth well if i can pick the people i could pick celebs and i i really value and then your friends on earth would be like of course they picked up of course they would why wouldn't they can you imagine how your friends would feel if yeah if like, I actually just picked Jennifer Aniston? I can guarantee you my friends would not be surprised.

If I went to Mars tomorrow with Sandra Bullock, Natalie Mains, Julia Roberts, Viola Davis, and Queen Latifah, my friends would be like... Out of curiosity, are you planning to inseminate all of them you'd have to only if they want to but you have to that's part of colonizing that doesn't mean we have to have sex oh that's true you could just okay you could just she'll be backed off of that so quick all right yeah man i mean like if you have the stuff go ahead i do hate to think that they would have to carry my child though i don't want that for them that sucks oh they're pissed to be there they're they're like are you fucking joking why did you subject us to this prison so good honor yeah and you

ripped us from our lives our families our friends oh yeah i hate that i don't want to get them pregnant i i have this game called um what would you let jennifer aniston peer pressure you into doing and you just see how far you would like if she goes let's jump out of a plane you know and skydive i'm like yeah i'm doing it and then i just go how far in my head like where do i draw the line like imagine you're out on a night out and you like you're you sit in a restaurant and then your group joins her group and she's like weirdly really into bonding with you and keeps calling you sweetie and you're like best friend. Oh my God.

And then like. Sorry, I'm blushing. I know. And then like she broaches something like, like, hey, do you want to do that? Like, do you want to get tattoos on our faces? Like, do you do it? Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Jennifer Aniston wants to get a face tattoo and you would do it? jennifer wants to get a face tattoo you would do it jennifer aniston wants to get a face tattoo and we're doing it together is she getting one also may yeah small small yeah if she's also getting it i'll do it because that's forever yeah it would get really good press that's a career move that's a career move that's a career move lisa kudrow i would get lisa kudrow's face tattooed on my face i'm doing whatever she's doing wait okay may pretend she you're you and i'm lisa kudrow okay yeah hey may how's it going oh i'm all right how are you first is he doing a good impression that is like uncanny spot up um. Okay, going back into it. Sorry, I'm going to drop back into my Lisa.

And then you said you were doing good. And then I say, I accidentally killed somebody. I need your help dealing with it. What do you need? You're kidding. I'm not Lisa anymore. You would hide a body with Lisa Kudrow? I'm Lisa now.

You're kidding. Yeah, I think so. I love that for Lisa. Yeah. That you're getting yeah I think so yeah I love that for Lisa yeah that you're down like that yeah I love that I can't I'm still thinking about that you don't like the Beatles I should have I almost didn't mention it but the listeners know because I've said it before I'm sorry oh really no I'm really glad you're on do you mean that that's yeah it's really important I'm sorry. Oh, really? No, I'm really glad you're honest. Do you mean that? Yeah, it's really important. I'm going to listen to your playlist.

I'm really going to work on it. Hey, I'll make you the playlist. But yeah, I am actually having second thoughts about them, given that... I never meant to do this to you. Basically, I will mold my personality, what I'm saying, to match yours. That's huge for us. Shelby, how do you feel about the Beatles? I like them. I'm not a super fan but i like them okay cool um i'll listen to them whenever sure i mean do you have a specific question about them or is it just like a good or bad well i just was hoping to take some of the heat off of me by throwing you into the gaunt um

i also speaking of conspiracy theorists love uh the conspiracies about the beatles all of them specifically that paul mccartney's dead oh yeah yeah paul's dead yeah may's really on board yeah paul's dead yep yep yep no worries yeah yeah yeah and the earth yeah the earth is flat the space is a projection from the government my older brother was so sure tupac was alive for like eight years i used to date this guy who thought that charlie kaufman the screenwriter was andy kaufman who had faked his own death and i just didn't even question it for years and was like and then you google it and there's like tons of photographs of Charlie Kaufman.

Like there's no, there was like, it doesn't hold water. No, he literally was like same last name. Pretty sure. Same guy. There was like four or five years after Tupac died.

There was like, well, first of all, there was supposed to be like a date he was returning. Like that was the thing was people were like, no, he'll return on this day, which yeah,

really? I think there was like some hint. Someone thought they were being given through his music at some point. And everyone was just like, no, he'll return on this day. Which, yeah. Really? I think there was like some hint someone thought they were being given through his music at some point. And everyone was just like, yeah. And then someone that looked like him was spotted in like Dubai. And everyone was like, he's alive. People just like full on believed it for so long. We've hidden clues in this podcast. But people just need to listen really closely.

There's tons of clues. Yeah, if you listen really closely, we're hiding him. We know what and where. There's a lot of clues about where he is. I just got really lost in thought just now wondering if I could pull off faking my own death. You could not. Do you want to know why I think that? You would be so bored after like two days.

I don't think I would do it for very long. Oh, you just, you would want to see the initial impact. Yeah, I want to see the reactions. I'm a psychopath. Yeah, would you go to your funeral? I want to see people be like, oh, gone too soon. Or whatever they would say. I also want to see who's fake.

Who would come out and be like, he was awful. Whoever does that after someone dies. No matter how much you hate them, no one's like, he was awful. Well, I could be the difference. You would have to be gone for a while for people to get that far. Or be notably horrible. May disagrees with you. May?

Oh, no, I think I agree. I'd be interested to see who pretends that they were closer to you than they were i think about that all the time like what like what if i what if i like really publicly grieved for for years that would be such a victory for me are you kidding yeah that would rock that'd be so cool i always think about that of like when i see someone posting like about someone that's passed away that I know wasn't that close to them, I'm like, what if this person can look down and is kind of like, what? Why?

Oh my God. You guys, I started going kind of nuts a few weeks ago, just from boredom of this year. And I booked a psychic medium via zoom. And I Zoomed with this guy. A male psychic. Hell yeah. That's huge. A male psychic.

Good for him. Yeah. And I'm, it's huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a hair on his head. That keeps him closer to the spirits. That's kind of what I thought when I saw it. I was like, okay, good.

Yeah. And then I just didn't have anything in my mind except yeah I guess if like my ancestors want to say hi or like all my grandparents are dead but and literally everything this guy said was the opposite of the truth and he was making specific claims like he was like oh um your grandfather is here and he used to tell you stories and um was like, he was a big guy and he'd tell you funny stories. And I was like, A, I never met him. B, he was literally anorexic. He had like an eating disorder.

Like, yeah, it was so crazy. And then he'd be like, your grandmother's here. And, you know, she was very conservative and didn't like you being gay and stuff. And I was like, no no she literally was the opposite like a big swing on his part by the way yeah wow big swing yeah it was so weird at the end he goes do you want 20 of your money back 20 80 um i had a camper hate to do this again but i was a camp counselor after i was a camper and i had a camper who was crying one night because she had an extreme conservative grandma.

No, weirder, way weirder. She's crying. She's crying. She's crying. Um, she's homesick,

whatever. And I'm sitting there talking to her. I'm like, well, what, like, can we write a letter or like, what do you want to do?

What would make you feel better? She goes, I just really miss my grandpa. And I was like, okay, well, do we want to write him a letter or like what do you want to do what would make you feel better she goes i just really miss my grandpa and i was like okay well do we want to write him a letter and she was like he's dead and i was like okay um well do you want to talk about him and she goes i never met him and i said what no and she said i miss him so And I said, I don't know that you do. You can't. You can't miss him that much. That is the kind of shit I would have pulled at him.

Just to be like, will you put your arm around me? Because I'm sad and I'm trying to think of a reason on the spot. And I just blurted out. I was like, it's one of those times where you just sit there. I'm 18 at the time. I'm like. It's one of those times where you just sit there. I'm 18 at the time. I'm not old enough to be. And I'm just kind of like, damn, well, shit. That's crazy.

That's paranormal. That's really sick. You're scaring me. I was like, you can't miss him then, huh? Because that's not what I said. I was like, that's really hard. But it was so bizarre. Yeah. You can miss people him then, huh? Because that's not what I said. I was like, that's really hard. But it was so bizarre. Yeah.

You can miss people you've never met. We miss you so much. It's sick. We were talking about it before the recording. Miss May. You're like, I miss. It's sick. I can't wait until they get on the record because we miss them.

We miss them. May, is there anything else you would include on your golden records, do you think? All of your guys' content. You need to stop it right now. You need to quit it. Yeah, it's actually getting gross. You need to stop before I catch a flight. I'm being way too like.

I'm going to come hang out. Well, we would include Feel Good and we would include this whole conversation. Do you have anything to plug? I mean, Feel Good season two is coming out soon. Yeah, very soon. We can't wait. That would be good if people watched it. I just did the, I'm like really sweating right now

because I did this really embarrassing thing like late at night. Because I listened to that podcast, My Favorite Murder. You know that podcast because i think karen kilgariffin particularly it's hilarious but both of them but anyway then i weirdly like she was talking about liking some british show and then i lost my mind momentarily and i feel like she's my friend because i listen to her so much i tweeted at her going hey she watched feel good like that is the worst etiquette one a comedian tweeting at another comedian that they've never met and being like hey watch my show like what i don't know what possessed me and then she just replied okay she was like i really will i'm scared she was like yeah i'll put it on the list i keep waking

up at night expressing about like why did i do that and i can't it would be even weirder if i deleted between yeah there's no there's no way out because it would also be so weird to do on her and be like hey that was weird of me i've been thinking about it yeah she'd be like why is this interaction more prolonged she goes i haven't thought twice about it. Yeah, she'd be like, why is this interaction more prolonged now? She goes, I haven't thought twice about it. It happened and I'm done. You know what, though? She should watch Feel Good. She should watch Feel Good.

I'll say it. It literally was just because she was saying that she liked shows where the cast of those shows is in Feel Good. And I just have, I should never have done that. I'm so embarrassed. I won't because it feels like it would be embarrassing for you but I want to tweet

at Karen Goliar and say you should watch feel good I won't mention you I'll just say at Karen Goliar watch feel good everybody listening to this as soon as you hear this part please tweet at Karen Goliar no no no

she starts getting flooded no I'm kidding guys don't do that just tweet it to your followers don't take care of that was a hit gum original