Keeping Records - Haunt Me, Paul (with Sam Sanders)

Episode Date: October 21, 2022

An episode full of shocking revelations. Someone in the room (EJ) has never been to TGI Friday's. Someone else in the room (Shelby) thinks Taylor Swift is a psychopath. And someone else in the room (our guest Sam Sanders [It's Been a Minute, Vibe Check, Into It]) didn't know that Jason Mraz says he's Mr. A to Z because Mr. A to Z spells... Mraz . Also we rarely get this topical/controversial but if you're looking for a primer on the entire DWD drama between Oliv*a and H*rry and J*son, we've got a literal NPR reporter (our guest Sam Sanders) to take you through it beat by beat.  At some point, artifacts were sent to the aliens.  Sam's Artifacts:  Continuum by John Mayer (Music) "Pop-Up Video" (Audio-Visual) Really Good California Edibles (Drug) Carly Rae Jepson (Person) Funyons (Food) Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper (Ephemera) Follow Sam on Twitter and Instagram. Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Hello everyone! Hello!

Hello and greetings to everyone! Peace be upon you! We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, you're hearing us come out of a sad conversation. We're gonna try and be a little bit normal now. But just know 40 seconds ago we were talking about something really sad.

Welcome back to Keeping Records, the show where we cannot stop singing well. Yeah. We try to stop. Seriously. I literally, like, I've, like, screamed at the top of my lungs to try and get these vocal chords to be less perfect, but. It's hard. I'm perfectly on pitch whether I want to or not. I'm perfectly unique.

I'm perfectly on pitch whether I like it or not. Mommy made me mash my M&M's, I cried. To sit in silence, to sit in solemn silence on a cold dark dock. Harp sharp rock. No, lock. Cool. Cold hard lock.

It's a hard knock life for us. No, for real, guys, like be serious for like 15 seconds. My God. It's not that hard to be serious for like 15 seconds. Before this, before we got really sad, we were talking about how I've been painting lately. Yeah. Shelby's been painting lately and it's good. I've also been rock climbing.

Shelby, why are you taking up all these new hobbies? Well, they're old hobbies that I have abandoned. Why are you taking them up again now well my ADHD is the worst it's ever been in my life I cannot sit still for more than three seconds I talked to my therapist but I was like I literally don't know what it is I got in a car accident

and I was like I am literally like what is going on with me girl I cannot sit still so now I'm having to do when I rock climb the reason I'm doing it is because I'm having to do, when I rock climb, the reason I'm doing it is because I'm like, oh, I literally can't think

about other things because then I will fall. I've been bouldering. So if you fall, it's sort of like, it's not amazing. Do you go to, have you been going to a gym?

No free clap for the girlies, but yeah, gym. Okay. Climbing gym. We don't have to bleep it. We can bleep it out. We can bleep it out. Bleep it out. You guys literally don't need to bleep it. We can bleep it out. We can bleep it out.

Bleep it out. You guys literally don't need to know where I climb. That would be honestly really weird if you knew where I should be climbing. No, but shout out to one person from Cleveland who once was like,

I have a climbing gym in Cleveland if you're ever in town. And I didn't go because my dad was sick and I was like, well, I can't go to a climbing gym. You're not quite the time to go to a climbing gym.

But I might go when I'm home for Thanksgiving. So if you're around, Oh my God. re-DM me because I don't go to a climbing gym. You're not quite the time to go to a climbing gym. But I might go when I'm home for Thanksgiving. So if you're around. Oh, my God. Re-DM me because I don't remember who you are. That's awesome. I say that with love. It's literally all love.

It's all love in this room. If you could feel it in this room, you'd be like, that's a lot of love. But so for me, I've been rock climbing for that reason. It's like you literally just have to focus on one thing and your hands are occupied so I can't be on my phone. I'm just like, this is where I am. And then I started paining again because it's really calming.

Yeah, it is calming. And it occupies your hands in a way. Like I can put something on but I'm like, it's not like I'm like watching a bunch of videos or like,

it's not short form things that I'm watching because you need to be involved in that. Like it's like either a long form thing, like it just keeps my mind long-form thing like it just keeps my mind fine my adhd is so bad i don't know if people who have adhd are listening and

are like that's happened to me before but it is bad yeah can't focus for shit it happens but i'm not on medication and i don't want to be you do not have to be a girl i hear there's an adderall shortage really yeah my therapist told me and how did that come up well she was like is it really bad because of the adderall shortage and i said you're like no no i literally don't take medicine how dare you yeah shouldn't you yeah well your paintings are beautiful stuff thank you i painted my cat everyone who's wondering yeah if you guys really want to see you can you can DM the account and I'll post it. Maybe we just post it on the Instagram, honestly. No, they have to beg.

Okay. It's for subscribers only. I'm doing close friends. Yeah. Yeah. If you get added to the Keeping Records close friends, whoa. If you DM me and say, I want to see the painting, I'll put you on close friends. Oh my God.

Yeah. You have to engage a lot with the account. And you have to get 20, I want to see the painting, I'll put you on the list. Oh, my God. Yeah. You have to engage a lot with the account. And you have to get 20,000 people to listen to this episode stat. What? EJ, what have you been up to? So I've been painting and rock climbing. Really cool hobbies. What have you been up to?

Yeah, I know. Okay. Wait, everyone say good haircut EJ also in the DMs. That'll also get you on close friends. Yeah, can you say good haircut EJ? Because it's like, thank you. Then we'll, not you guys. I know you guys like my haircut.

Yeah, I got my haircut. Obviously, I'm processing it. I told EJ that I think it's good. I think it looks good first and foremost. But second is that I think it makes EJ look a little bit meaner. Yeah. And I think that's a good thing. I think EJ is so nice and, like, lovable that to have a little edge is, like, powerful.

Maybe it's a little power that I need, yeah. It's like, whoa. Wait, EJ is, like, scary a little. Yes.'s a little power that I need, yeah. It's like, whoa. It's like scary a little. In a good way. Scary in a good way. Yeah, so I'm riding that wave. I'm like, this is an era where I guess I'm, I don't know. Terrifying. You might not know right off the bat, oh,

what's the vibe, you know? And so I keep people on their toes, I guess. Powerful, strong. Powerful, strong. God, thanks Shelby. Awesome. Yeah,, strong. God, thanks, Shelby. Awesome. Yeah, so what have I been up to? Man, I, oh, everyone's going to care a lot about this. I got a car.

Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I didn't realize so many people were in here. They're all clapping. The crowd just went fucking wild in here. The crowd went wild. This is a live taping.

Thank you guys for being here, by the way. Yeah, thanks, crowd. They're teeny tiny, yeah. I'm looking in the corner over there. They're like the size of mice. Is that a fire hydrant? Yeah. There's a fire hydrant the shape of a whipped cream bottle in here. It's not a fire hydrant.

Sorry, there's a fire extinguisher in here. Bleep that. I'm smart and they need to know I'm smart. It's really small though. It's like actually the size of like a fire extinguisher the size of a whipped cream bottle. Just sitting in the corner. I would eat that by mistake. Has that always been here? Well, I wouldn't have noticed if it weren't for the teeny tiny crowd standing right in front of it. So, hey, you guys. Okay. They're really enthusiastic.

Anyway. Oh, one of them has a sign that says nice haircut. Oh. That is really nice. You made that so quick. Yeah, really fast. Anyway, yeah, I bought a car. Stop screaming.

It is, say it with me, a 2013 Prius. A 2013 Prius. A 2013 Prius. Yeah, I mean... They call that the silent ninja. That's what they call it. I know. The guy at the car dealership kept saying that. And I was like, I don't know if you should say that. So yeah, that's my big thing, to be honest.

They should call Prius's carbon monoxide the silent killer. Oh, my God. Yeah. You should, like, DM Prius on Instagram. Say that. I got a pitch for you. I'm not taking pitches.

I go, get this. It's a Prius. It's so quiet. It is so quiet. Like, actually, it is so quiet. Rue keeps forgetting to turn it off because they don't know. It's a push to start. Sorry, I'm just bragging.

You really are. I have to turn my key. That's why I'm so jacked. That's why I'm so retro. Yeah. That's why I'm so fucking strong. Yeah. So.

And you're loving having a car again or it's hurting your feelings a little? And it would hurt my feelings because it. I feel like you were liking being a walking guy. It was a big part of my identity for a bit. I mean, to be fair, I do still walk a lot of places. My partner and I, Rue and I are sharing a car. So they have it at work, you know. Okay.

So sometimes you do get to. How's Rue doing about the scooters? They miss them. Yeah. Yeah, my friend Rue is really into scootering, scooters, racking up quite the bill. Or other scooters. We're literally not loyal.

Or like all the scooters. Yeah, I believe that one too. The electric scooters. How much was the bill? To be... No, please ask because everyone should know what what they did um there was one the first month that they were riding the scooters everywhere i think they spent about two hundred dollars which less than gas car insurance and a car payment. Yeah, that was their argument too. Yeah, I'm with her on this one. Yeah, okay, fine.

But it's like they were also taking like Ubers. Like it wasn't like just... Do you guys think I should get a moped? Yeah. You do. I think I could be fun with a moped. I want a motorcycle, but people

keep telling me I'll die. So I'm like, alright, we'll make you dangerous. I think you fun with a moped. No, you could. I want a motorcycle, but people keep telling me, oh, die. So I'm like, all right, we'll make you a moped. I think you should get a moped. I think it should be like baby blue. I don't know. Yeah. And I want to paint like flames on it. Flames are so cool.

I want to talk to one shoe brand. We can say it because they're haters. Well, actually, I don't know how to say it. I think it's say. S-A-Y-E. I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe that's even wrong. Either way, they make sneakers.

And they make a gorgeous pair of red sneakers with white flames on it that I want so bad I couldn't even explain it. Only for men. What? Only for men, not even for kids. If they make kids, I can have them. You can get in there, yeah. For the kid size. They start at a size like nine women's.

Sorry, not going to cut it for a little lady like me. These feet are teeny tiny. That's super messed up. Well, it's also messed up because I'm pretty sure it's a skateboarding shoe brand. And I'm like. Whoa, so what message is that sending? So can women not skate? Yeah.

Last I checked, they can. They can. I've seen it. It's been pissing me off. I found a perfect pair of sneakers. I said these would make me the best version of myself. You know, in elementary school, I had a pair of Converse sneakers with blue – like black high tops with blue flames on them. And God, do I wish I still had those.

That is so cool. I'm like, do I have to like fabric paint onto – like I'm so truly devastated. I'm so truly sad that they didn't make my size. I put myself on a newsletter list for it. But the thing is, is that I know that they gave them to me because I looked. If anyone was selling secondhand – like if they sent them in others and it started at men's large. That's screwed up. That's really messed up.

I'm pissed off. Me too. I'm pissed off. Sometimes I just want a nice little treat for myself. All Shelby wants is a nice little treat for herself. I hate this. Sorry, you're just crying again. It's just I'm like such an empath. so hearing this is like too much for my Thursday.

Should we introduce our guest? So, yeah. Thank you. Our guest today is a podcaster, a radio host. You know him from NPR's It's Been a Minute. He hosts two weekly podcasts Intuit and Vibe Check you know him

you love him it's Sam Sanders Sam welcome thank you it's so good to be here thanks for being here listen I have come north of the 10

before the evening. That is a thing for me. I live in Leimert Park now. Historic black LA, not too far from USC. But that dividing line of the 10 is a whole different world. It is, yeah. It's a different world.

Do you go west more than you go east? A lot of my friends live on this, obviously. I have so many friends off of Sunset. But it's like if I'm going to see them, it's like nighttime. Nighttime, yeah. So it was like daylight driving over here. And I was like, wow, it's a whole little city.

Look at that. Wait, they have stores just like us. Yeah. Yeah. I went to Kansas City with my friend Caleb listeners know him well he's from there and I just kept going

I'm from Ohio like I'm not from it's not like I'm from like New York but I just kept going oh my god and you guys have restaurants he was like you are being so mean about my hotel I was like you guys just like sell things yeah you do that commerce exists here I love that for you guys I really thought you guys just like sell things? Yeah, you do that. Oh my God, sweet. Commerce exists here?

I love that. I really thought you guys just farmed. Yeah. I also love it's like whenever I travel across the country, it's like, you'll be like, oh, it's so different here. It's like, no, they got a Costco. They got a Target. They got a McDonald's.

They got an Outback. They got a Chili's. They got an Applebee's. Yeah. And they've got a TGI Friday. It's the best of all of them. Really? Do you like it?

I swear TGI just microwaves everything. I've never been to a TGI. That's good. Okay. You don't need to go. Do you love TGI? I used to fuck with chilies real hard back in the day. That was where we would go after band rehearsal. Oh, so it was very cool.

That's a TGI Friday stand. Don't you think the food is microwaved? I think at all of them, sure. But when they make their potato boats, they go in an oven. They go in an oven. They have to. Because it's a baked potato?

It's a potato skin. Uh-huh. Do you know potato skins? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. What are you thinking? I'm thinking of the skin of a russet potato. So, no, you don't know potato skins? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. What are you thinking? I'm thinking of the skin of a russet potato. So, no, you don't know potato skins.

But some of the meat's in there too, though. Yeah, this is like they slice them small into little boats, and then you bake them, and then you put some cheese, some bacon, some sour cream, some scallions. It's like a hollowed out potato, but it's baked, and there's still potato meat up in there. Then they put other stuff in there. Okay, yeah. It's like a load of baked potato, but it's baked and there's still potato meat up in there. Then they put other stuff in there. Okay, yeah. It's like a load of baked potato, but a dish. Yes. Okay.

And you were thinking that they just skin the potatoes and make those. Well, no, not really. I mean, I was kind of imagining. When you said boat, I guess I was sort of imagining like a little canoe of potato skin. Oh, that's cute. But that's wrong. Well, it's close. Okay.

Well, now I want to think how would you make one? Because the skin itself on its own isn't doing much. But if you could skin it well and then deep fry it so it has a shade. Yes, that's what I was picturing. Well, now people on the internet are doing stuff with potatoes that to me feels unnecessary. Like they're doing like you cut the potato, you put it in a freezer for like six days, then you put a brick on it so that it really compresses and then you deep fry it twice, three times.

We've got potato skins pulled up. Is it closed? So it's sort of like it looks like nachos almost. Right. Uh-huh. Yes.

Okay. Yeah. No, there's like this thing called like 48 hour potatoes or stuff that people keep making. 48 hours. It's a potato.

I have never, ever, ever been like, you know what I want in a couple of days? Potatoes. I've never wanted to be in a couple of days ever. I don't understand that. They're like, so what you're going to do is you're going to do this painstaking prep. Yeah. So you can eat a couple of days from now. Yeah.

And what if I can't make plans? Who are these people, especially with like the Bougie New York Times, like recipes, who has the money to buy those expensive ingredients and spend the four hours making it? I've worked all day. I'm not doing that. I don't have an at-home deep fryer. That I want to start with. And if I really try to do it in a big pot, I'm sending off a fire alarm. Also, you don't want to fry food in your house.

It's going to smell for weeks. Oh, my God. In my tiny apartment. And it gets in my furniture. My bed's going to smell like deep fried stuff. Seriously. You're right. You've seen my apartment. 500 square feet. And it's not a studio.

And I live with my partner. And a cat. Oh, God. That's a strong relationship. Yeah, yeah. Oh, God. Wow. That's a strong relationship. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. And the Lord tests us every day. Literally.

No, I... Your apartment doesn't feel 500 square feet. Thank you. It feels bigger? The layout is pretty great. Okay.

I think it feels 620. That's very specific. Feels 620. But it's a lot. Let's say 650. That feels20. I wouldn't say 650. That feels crazy. No, 650 is huge.

And 600 feels like, well, I say it doesn't feel like 500. Right. You know what I mean? You have to go up. 620. 620. But I couldn't get to 650. So you're like, price is right, math. It's like, well, she bid a dollar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 101. Oh, my God. What a perfect show. It's a really perfect show. I love. One of my favorite, I promise we're going to get focused and do the show. I was a kid and I was homesick one day and I was like, I'm watching the motherfucking

Price and Price. Yes. Bob Barker, that's my dog. Oh, my God. Amazing. And I watched and witnessed as like a 12-year-old the first perfect show where everybody won everything. I cried tears of joy.

Okay. This is one of the best things I've ever experienced in my life. I'm witnessing history right now. Literally. Literally. Their lives are all changing. Their lives are all changing. Their lives are all changing in such a way as mine, I guess.

Oh, my God. Have either of you ever seen The Cube? No. Which one is that? What's that? Well, so there's a British Cube that I have not seen, and now there's an American Cube hosted by Dwayne Wade. The Rock Johnson?

Dwayne Wade, the basketball player. Different. Whenever I hear Dwayne, I'm like, I want the Rock Johnson. This one is ultimately Dwayne Wade. Is he a good host? Honestly, yeah. Okay. He's personable.

There's one part of that show that I'm like, this part's kind of weird. So it's a cube, a glass cube. You go inside it. And that's where each game is played. And each game seems really simple but like just is hard, it turns out. And it's pairs and they go in and they can like choose who does some and some of them are together. And they win money for each game, obviously. But there's two, like, assists.

One of them is just to simplify the game a little. And then the other is for Dwayne to do a round for you. But he can lose. But every time he goes in, they play a message from someone in his family. What? Which I'm like, I like Dwayne Wade. I don't want to hear from him. Are they encouraging

yes they like make fun of him like they're just kind of like like one of them was like maybe we need LeBron to carry you through this one and I'm like

why are we roasting Dwayne Wade on his show what network has this I think HBO it's just yeah

I imagine they were probably like oh you know people love Dwayne Wade's family. Do they? Do you know anything about his family? They haven't even shown Gabrielle Union yet.

Yeah, Gabrielle Union people love him. But they haven't shown her. It's been his mom, his sister. They can't afford Gabrielle. They can't afford Gabrielle Union. I know, but I'm like, just send her. To me, I'm like, I'd rather see these people who are like random people, their family encouraging them. You don't hear shit from their family.

And that's who needs it. You only hear from Dwayne's family when he goes in. And I'm like, what? What are the games like? Watching it has made me go, I need to get on the show. That is true. I didn't know you were going to go there. If the Cube is listening.

So Dwayne, well, all of them have like really inspiring stories. And my story would be like, I didn't know you were going to go there. If the cube is listening. So, Dwayne. Right? Well, all of them have, like, really inspiring stories. And my story would be, like, I want to play. I want to play the game real bad. That's inspiring. That's enough. It's people being, like, I'm making dynamic change in my community, and I would use this money for the kids.

Oh, shit. I don't really know what I would do with the money. For me, this is about winning. Yeah. The games. Yeah. The games. But so some of the games, like one of the games is like a two-player game where you just both throw a ball at a target at the same time. It has to hit the targets at the exact same time.

That's impossible. You think? But people have done it. Okay. There's another where there's like a board full of holes and they each have like a pulley and it controls like a rising thing and you try and get the ball past all the holes. Like clinko? Yes, but reverse. Like you're going up. So you're trying to get it by like pulling each side.

So this is just new prices, right? No, they're not guessing prices. This is new. What are some other daytime shows that this is like of the lineage? I don't know. They're really playing games. Physical challenges. Some of them are sort of Survivory, but they're not like holding their arms up for terribly long.

Like there was one where she had to put a pole like through a bunch of holes to hit a thing. But if she hit the side, it was gone. It's just like little games that seem really easy and then end up being hard. One of them was just roll a ball around like a track, like a Hot Wheels track, and get it to go into a bucket after. People will watch anything. Really? Thank you. Here's what I'll say. You guys think this doesn't

sound very good. I'm gonna tell you. I was hooked. You're hooked. Well, I was watching the Cleveland Guardians game, which got delayed until it was canceled. Is that what sports sport is that? Okay, there we go. They no longer are playing.

And I was trying to watch it because it was like the last playoff game. If they won, they went on. If they lost, they went home. Cleveland Guardians. Yes. Is that pro or minor? Pro.

Formerly the Cleveland Indians. Well, there we go. I know, I was like, I've heard of this. I already told them. And I've never heard of them. Well, told them. And I've never heard of them. Well, funny story. We're all before like a problem.

So they made a change. When I was in college, sorry, detour, my undergrad was very Catholic. It's called the University of the Incarnate Word. Incarnate Word means Word Made Flesh, which means Jesus, which means I went to the University of Jesus. Sure. But when I started, guess what the mascot was? Oh, a cross. The Crusaders.

Like the Crusades. Like the Holy Wars. And so my sophomore year, half the school was like, we got to change this. And the other half was like, no. No, this is history. And there were petitions to keep it for history. And finally they're like, no. I mean, there were petitions to keep the Indians.

And I said, why don't we just go ahead and change it? Just change it. So now the mascot for Incarnate Word is the Cardinals. Like the bird and the religious figure. Okay, here we go. Yeah. That's a great fix. Anywho, back to Cleveland.

Well, so I was trying to watch the game. They delayed it for five hours until they eventually canceled it. But I was watching for the first, like, hour. And the cube played during the rain delay. That's how I got invested. Oh, so smart. They probably paid a lot of money to have that happen. Well, I was like, holy shit. the first like hour and the cube played during the rain delay that's how i got invested they probably paid a lot of money to have that well i was like holy shit they are really going up in views because i've never even heard that it existed it turns out they're like 14 episodes in

wow this was huge for them it's also like kudos to like dwayne wade athletes making something else happen for themselves because everyone just thinks they can just do one thing. Well, they also have – Yeah. They have like nine lives to play seven games and you earn money for each game. But if you decide to play a game and lose all your lives, you lose all the money. And so he did say something that I thought was kind of funny. It's not going to play funny. But it was that he just goes – he goes, and if you lose, well, you walk away with a meet and greet with your host.

And I thought that was kind of funny. that he just goes, he goes, and if you lose, well, you walk away with a meet and greet with your host. I was like, I don't know. I might consider that worth it. If you were a basketball fan to go meet Dwayne Wade, play a couple of games with him and then be like, oh my God,

it's epic. I'd be like, where's wifey, bro? Literally. If I met Dwayne Wade and not Gabrielle Union, I would be like, this is kind of,

you know, like, it's cool um yeah oh nice to see you nice to see you is she here like what is she like at home yeah is she cool yeah i like the way you guys are together yeah i will say i love their daughter but i'm like don't start so young girlfriend I was just talking to someone about this she's like 14 or 15

literally and modeling I mean have you been do you follow her on Instagram I've seen a few pictures she looks great she looks I mean she's stunning

she's amazing but it is like she's all dressed up like a grown up model I mean she's a baby although I guess it's like that's the family business at this point

it's true she never really had a choice whether or not to be famous, I guess, kind of. Well, I mean, LeBron's daughter, the youngest one, she's still not even like 10. And she has a YouTube channel. Oh, my God. And she's like doing projects. Oh, my God.

This kind of stuff does she do? I watched a couple of videos just being like, what is going on here? It is ultimately really cute. She's like going around the house being like I'm gonna cook and like asking for help

with the help of a full staff I'm sure well yeah it's like a bunch of people come out and try and help her I'm like go off girl who was it

who was it that tried to be a cook and they were someone's kid and you're just like no David Beckham's son yes he's like I'm a cook now

and everyone's like got really upset with him oh I didn't know about this. What did he do? He's bad at it. It's just like the most basic ass recipes. He'd be like,

I'm making peanut butter and jelly. And you're like, what's going on? Why are we paying you? Yeah. Yeah. It was his passion project for a second.

He just married someone really rich too, so I think he's gonna be okay, but he is good. I was worried. I think he's pivoted to music. He's a DJ now. Oh, perfect. I think he's pivoted to music. He's a DJ now. Oh, perfect.

I think, or one of the kids. That is the number one career of celebrity children. Yeah. Literally. DJ. What if the career

was just staying the fuck out of my face? Yeah. Literally, if I was a celebrity's kid, you would see me living. This is what I don't understand about people who get

really rich and powerful. It's like, leave. Mark Zuckerberg, go buy an island and go live your fucking life. Yeah. Sell the company. Take your money.

Buy half of Fiji. Goodbye. Yeah. Bye bye. That's what I would do. Yeah. Why stay? You'd buy half of Fiji?

I'd buy half of the least problematic island. Okay. I was going to say, I don't know a lot of other people. I don't know a lot of people in Fiji. I'm not trying to fuck shit up for them. Yeah. If there's like a deserted island. Okay. I was going to say, I don't know a lot of other people. I don't know about people in Fiji. I'm not trying to fuck shit up for them. If there's like a deserted island that actually contains like my ancestors' bones, oh, well, this is mine for sure. I actually shouldn't have to pay for this, by the way.

A little Stanley Yelmats. I don't have to pay for this. My family actually owns this. That's a Holes reference. That was a Holes reference. That was a Holes reference. Holes is a, well, it was a perfect film until Shia LaBeouf

went and fucked it all up. Oh my God. I wish he didn't. I still hope for like an Oprah couch redemption for Shia. Ooh, okay.

Because it's funny, after even Stevens and after Holes when he was like a fully grown adult, there were a few years I was like, I think I love you.

Yeah. He has something. He has something. He has something. Yeah. But I did recently read that I loved Honey Boy. I don't know if you saw Honey Boy. It was a lot.

It was a lot. It was a lot. Well, turns out. It turns out it wasn't even real. He fabricated the entire thing. His dad was like, why did you? Oh, my God. He's you oh my god he's crazy yeah crazy i know and that was like i was like you didn't have to make it autobiographical it

could have just been a movie that's wild yeah so that that made me feel like okay there were some signs yeah obviously but but he is a cutie if there was a moment where it got close it was olivia wilde uh doubling like her spin with him the shia shia shia and him and him being like that literally didn't happen i have stuff to answer too but like this didn't happen i was like this is the moment that he could have like a small like he could go on a talk show and be like I've fucked up a lot of times but I didn't this isn't let me tell you something one of the I'm truly afraid

of very few things I'm afraid of Olivia Wilde Shia Shia Shia something's going on that's the dark side of white lady Shia Shia I'm sorry one thing after another did I'm kind of like.

Did you hear the latest with the salad dressing? Yes. I haven't been able to make sense of it. Because someone, what is the salad dressing? I keep seeing it. I'm like, I laugh at the memes, but I don't even know what they mean. You should laugh at the memes. Okay.

Long story short, you know, she directed Don't Worry Darling. And there was drama over Shia LaBeouf's casting and he was replaced by Harry Styles. And the gossip is the reason Florence Pugh was so mad at that whole movie was because Olivia was putting the moves on Harry during the filming. And allegedly it got so bad that they took Olivia off of directing and had the cinematographer finish the project. In the aftermath of that whole press tour and the bad gossip about Olivia, other stories about how she's just a mess going to come out. And this is also after

Jason Sudeikis served her divorce papers during a Comic Con presentation. Which, by the way, that's nuts. Also, Jason, don't act like you didn't know. You knew. You knew. That's nuts. But the latest story of their doomed relationship is that while they were So Jason, don't act like you didn't know. You knew. Yeah. You knew. Yeah. That's nuts. Yes. But the latest story of their doomed relationship is that while they were falling apart, she was already seeing Harry Styles.

And one evening she was going to see Harry Styles and I guess like take him a salad. And Jason Dacus was like, not the salad dressing. That's our salad dressing. That's our salad dressing. Oh, like a secret recipe or something? Yeah. And then that trends for a day or two. And then Olivia shares

where she got the salad dressing recipe from. It was a... What's her face? Recipe. Nora Ephron. It was a Nora Ephron recipe from one of her books.

Okay. And I guess Olivia was saying... So not so secret after all. I'm elevated and smart and intelligent. Yeah. But still, low-key a homewrecker? Here's my thing.

Who wrecked the home? Jason? Olivia? Here's my thing. They sound perfect for one another. I think if we were to get them in a room together and take out all the bullshit and just really get down to it. Well, you know those couples that love to argue all the time and that's their love language. Yes.

And they fight and they want the blowups and that's them. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And unfortunately, we wrapped in Harry Styles' most famous person in the world. So now it's a microscope. But if we had left him out of it, these people would be back together already. I've heard he's dark-sided too. Jason Sudeikis.

How could he? Oh, me too. Me too. Yeah, that's why I think they are perfect. Yeah. If he was lovely, I would say maybe-

You don't write yourself a TV character that lovely unless you're horrible. No, he's got- There's weird vibes. There's weird vibes. It's not fun to play. Exactly.

It's not fun to walk on and be like, I'm nice and I'm playing nice. Yeah. I'd rather see you play like Bill Hader playing Barry. Yeah. Yes.

I'm like, now I believe Bill Hader is the single nicest man. Exactly. Right. I'm like, because you're playing Barry. Yeah. You write yourself a character who bakes biscuits for his colleagues. Ew. You freak.

You absolute freak. Yeah. You're nasty. You're disgusting. But that's him being dark is why I think him and Olivia probably could find love. And, again, and also why I believe Harry is probably also a problem. Yeah. I don't think Harry – I think –

I don't know. I think Harry got caught up. I think he's a problem. I think the people around him have constructed the perfect shell of a pop star. Yeah. And he hits his marks. I'm not convinced Harry Styles is working with that much. Like there's maybe sort of tumbleweeds in here.

Whenever he opens his mouth and he's not singing, you're like, oh, stop talking. Yeah. You're like, oh, baby. Stop talking. You don't have to do that. Just smile. You're really cute. You're gorgeous. You don't have to do that.

It's like a movie. It's like a go to the theater movie. Spell movie. Spell movie. Can you spell movie? Sit in the seat. And the curtain's on the side. Movie.

You buy a ticket, movie. Go to the movie. Remember when he was like, the thing about gay movies. Because he's also doing My Policeman, right? He's the gay cop. He was like, well, they've never had

soft love scenes in gay films before, but I'll do that. Right. Oh my God, I forgot about that. Oh my God. Thank you, Harry,

for all that you're doing for the queer community. Harry, we would be so far behind. We stand on the shoulders of giants, and you, sir, are one.

I'm not a giant. Oh, wow. I've never interviewed Harry Styles. We've all just ruined any chances of working not a giant. Oh, wow. I've never interviewed Harry Styles. We've all just ruined any chances of working with Harry Styles. It's over.

Sam, this actually brings me to a really important point. What about the Harry Segway? Super easy transition, yeah. What? Go to break first. Oh. Oh, really?

Never mind. I have no points to make. Harry, take us to break. I have to sell an ad. Harry, come on in. I literally have to sell ads. I was scared it was too far down. How do you have a piece of tinsel in your hair?

Tinsel? I think it's just gray hair. Oh, were you rolling around in the grass? This is too thick to be my hair. Oh. Drama. That's the Harry Styles hair. Oh my god.

Yeah, me and Harry fuck. Dirty. Oh, come on, Shelby. Ew. Just kidding. I wonder if he's good in bed. He's not. No, no way.

How do you know? Well, or he's one of those guys that is really performatively giving. That's the sweet girl in the room, I feel like. No, I don't think he is. I think he just sort of flops around in there I think I think he's eager to please That's what that's

I think he's less eager to please In bed Yeah Right the bar is low I don't think he's eager to please in bed I think he's eager to please the masses I think on a one on one he has no eagerness to please He thinks you've won by being with him I don't think he's eager to please in bed. I think he's eager to please the masses. I think on a one-on-one, he has no eagerness to please. He thinks you've won by being with him.

I don't know. And that's it. I don't know. I feel like he's playing the – I feel like he would do the role of like, how can I make you feel good? And you're like, ugh. But it's not that – it's not super sexy though. No. I think he would be like, it's like a penis.

It's like a peckling. It's like it goes inside your penis. It's like a penis. I guess. I mean, we've dug ourselves in deep enough. We're going to hear from Mike like, Harry's legal team. Yeah, they're like, what? Yeah.

Harry, if, but don't. Harry, you know you want to hang out with us, though. I like some of the songs. I like some of the songs. Oh, I love the songs. It's giving very, like, 80s Paul McCartney. Yeah. Well, did you guys know about the Joni Mitchell song sessions?

No. Okay. So I recently read Brandi Carlile's memoir. Oh, love her. Thank you for doing that. Love her. That's doing the work. Literally, that's doing the work.

She's so crazy. I love her. But she talked about these secret songwriting sessions that Joni Mitchell hosts at her house. Oh, my God. And they're very exclusive, invite-only. Brandi Carlile attends. Elton John makes an appearance sometimes. And there's rumors that large portions of Harry Styles' most recent album was written in those song sessions.

And I think when you know that and you listen for it, you hear some Joni in there. Oh, I like that. Okay. Oh, my my god it's so amazing I love it welcome back to Harry Styles the podcast where we talk about Harry Styles and almost nothing else

yep sometimes Brandy but I don't know she's too sweet only as it relates to Harry Harry Styles um

Sam hi we meant to ask you a question so long ago. We didn't get carried away. It's all good. We got carried away. We're vibing.

We're vibing. So I'm going to ask you what you're going to add to your records before I ask you what you're going to delete. That's a good call, yeah. And I get five? You get as many as you want. I know you asked me for like a list beforehand, but I couldn't do it. But I was thinking this morning before I came over here, I was like, what's on my list?

Like what thing would I take? What thing would I show? What thing would I share to be like this? Yeah. This is us. Oh. This is us. The television show This Is Us.

Yes. Yes. Yes. No, I was remembering how in undergrad, this John Mayer album, Continuum, had a hold on me and all my friends. Y'all might be too album, Continuum, had a hold on me and all my friends. Y'all might be too young for Continuum. No, I think I know it, but I need to know which songs are on it. That's not Wonderland, is it?

No, this is After. So this is hits like Stop This Train. Remember that one? Yeah, I know Stop This Train. Let me pull up the track list. Went on the World to Change is the lead single. Oh, yeah. Exactly about that, by the way. But literally every friend of mine in college, black, white, old, young, Republican, Democrat,

love this album. Came together for this album, yeah. And I know he's a bad man. I know he is. I feel like he's trying to turn it around, hasn't he? Let me tell you, this came out in 2006. Oh, no worries. I Don't Trust myself for loving you.

Gravity. Gravity. Slow dancing in a burning room. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This album fucked me up for years. This album, to me, and I could be wrong, seems like how he started dating all the celebrity women. I think so.

Because it tapped a nerve. But listen. Like, literally, it wasn't a breakup album. It wasn't exactly a love album. It was a I need to feel like a grown up and feel things album. Yeah, it was like. Without things. Yeah, it was like feelings can mean more than you can ever imagine.

Yes, yes. Literally, that's how I was. And then people never give him credit for being like a really fucking good guitar player. Yeah, he's really good. I player. Yeah, he's really good. I know. Well, he's really talented. That's the thing about him. And he's handsome.

Is he? Yeah, it turns out. I thought it was. No, I thought it was. I'm picturing him wearing a fedora. No, he looks good. That's Jason Mraz. You're thinking of Jason Mraz.

I am thinking of Jason Mraz. It literally was. Mr. A to Z. Yeah, yeah. The geek in the pink. The geek in the pink. Mr. A to Z. Yeah, yeah. The geek in the pink. The geek in the pink. Mr. A to Z, when he said that, I might have said this on the podcast before,

but my brain went, what? Incredible, yeah. That's Mraz. It took me so long. Oh, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Mr. A to Z is wrapped. Oh, fuck yes! What a beautiful moment we're in. Sorry, your levels are off. I'm yelling. Oh my God! I'm so happy we could share that with you. That is so amazing.

Because when I said it, you must have been like, why did that happen here? That's Agnes Trey. So when he said... Mind shattering is realizing that Arby's is the phonetic of RB which is

roast beef we have the meats RB come try the roast beef come try our RB

yeah when he said Mr. A to Z I'm all about that wordplay, I said, you're a sick twist of genius. I was listening on my iPod shuffle in sixth grade, like, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I have to tell someone. That's like one of those things that I would go tell my mom and she'd be like, very nice. That's very nice, Shelby.

What was that song he had that just was on the radio for three years straight? I Am Yours. Yeah. I Am Yours. And every college acapella group sang that song. Oh, my God. They're still doing it. They're still doing it.

They're still doing it. Good for them. Keep it up. Speaking of white guys who play the guitar, John Mayer. That's what I was going to say. He is handsome. You were thinking of Jason Mraz. And you don't think he is handsome.

Jason Mraz? Yeah. He said fedora, and that to me is Jason Mraz. Fedora, yeah. Yes. But I would say John Mayer is more handsome than Jason Mraz. 100%. But Jason Mraz, nothing to scoff at. Nothing to scoff at.

I can't picture either of these men's faces, to be honest. I'm just picturing Fedora. John Mayer, he's got little dimpled chin. He's got those cheekbones working. The eyes are a little smoldery. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. You could look like Jason Mraz. Actually? Oh, my God. Do I look like Jason Mraz? Honestly? Honestly? Honestly. Honestly. Do I look like Jason Mraz? Honestly. Honestly. Honestly.

Do I? I think you look like Jason Mraz. In a good way. In a very good way. I don't know. Everyone's yelling, put on a fedora, put on a fedora. If someone handed me a fedora, I'd put it on. That album really does fuck.

That album fucks. That album makes you cum twice. That album makes you eggs the next morning. That album will drive you home. No walk of shame, baby. That album has to propose on the third date. And you're like, yeah. Whoa, you say yes.

Is Georgia on that album? No. No, that's okay. I will read the track listing dramatically. The other albums need to have something. Waiting on the World to Change. Correct. I Don't Trust Myself with Loving You.

Very good song. Belief, Gravity, The Heart of Life, Vultures, Stop This Train, which, oh my God. Hearing that song as a college senior, it's like he wrote it for me. Yeah, exactly. Slow Dancing in it for me. Yeah, exactly. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room. The title alone. Right. The title alone.

The title alone, yeah. Bold is Love, which is a Jimi Hendrix cover that he nails. Oh, I didn't know that. Dancing with a Broken Heart, In Repair, I'm Gonna Find Another You. The whole thing. Yeah. Dancing with a Broken Heart in a burning room by Jason Ross. In there.

It's such a good album. How would you, if you could, paint a picture for the aliens on how and where to listen to it? Yeah. You need to listen to John Mayer's Continuum on an undergrad college trip. You are driving to the conference. You are heading home from the student government meeting. This is like commuting music while you contemplate life as a college student and life afterward. It's an album about maturing and growth and love and life,

if I'm being honest. No, I agree. I feel like the album is very, like, listening to it as a younger person, I was like, wow, life has so much in store for me. Yes! Because you're hearing him describe his feelings. You're like, I haven't felt that yet. But I will.

But I will. But hopefully soon. I've got to pull up the lyrics for Stop This Train. I'm sorry. This song, I was like, he wrote this fucking song for me. As I transition to adulthood, I'm going to get the lyrics. I'm going to get the lyrics. You're getting the lyrics.

Stop this train. I want to get off and go home again. I can't take the speed it's moving in. I know I can't. But honestly, won't someone stop this train? The train is life. Exactly. The train is life.

Yeah. Exactly. Listen, had a talk with my old man. Said help me understand. He said turn 68. You'll renegotiate. The rhymes on here. Wisdom, baby.

John knew things. Borrowed. Yeah. John knew things. This album. Anywho, that's the first thing. How do you think he grew up so fast? Wow.

A question for the ages. He dated Jessica Simpson. He dated Taylor Swift for a second. Oh, yeah. Yeah. A question for the ages. He dated Jessica Simpson. He dated Taylor Swift for a second. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He dated... A lot of blonde women,

I feel. Yeah. Well, he had the interview where he was like, I can't date anything but white women. Remember that interview? Oh, my God, no.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Yucky, yucky. Ooh, Johnny boy. We have a guitar who loves black music yeah my penis

does not love black people he said that like on TV it was some interview I want to say the playboy

or whatever and he basically was like I'm going to buy a quote because this is very bad they published it

they were like he said it John Mayer was that supposed to be off the record? He was like, on. Keep that on there, yeah. Okay, I'm going to tell you.

Do y'all want to hear the actresses? Oh, yes. Jenica Love Hewitt. Vanessa Carlton. Oh, but love her. Cameron Diaz. Minka Kelly. Oh, wow.

And that's just so far. He was out there. He was in these streets. Cameron Diaz, I was remembering. Was, wow. And that's just so far. He was out there. Yeah. He was in these streets. Cameron Diaz I was remembering. Wasn't there a Jennifer Aniston moment too? I think there might have been. Yes.

Just post-divorce. He said in this Playboy interview that Jessica Simpson was, quote, sexual napalm. And according to Reuters, confessed an aversion to sleeping with black women. Not nice, John. No, not nice. John. He did apologize. It's like he said it.

Oh, thank God. He's like, oopsie. Sorry. Oh. He described his penis as sort of like a white supremacist. This record is not going. This record is not going. No.

No. I don't think the alien should. He was like, I call condoms my little white hood. He goes, my penis puts on its little white hood, and that's what he refers to as. Then he said, I apologize for using the N word. Oh. Oh. My God.

John, you let me down. Stop this train. I know. I mean. Stop the train, turn it around. Back it up, back it up, back it up. Yeah, bring it back. I would only send this to the aliens if we could also have like a 101 lesson on race relations included in the album liner notes.

It might be an interesting lesson for them to hear the album like we all did. And say like, this is a beautiful man and then be like, what? You know, listen to the interviews or whatever so they can kind of reckon with that as well. Love the sin or hate the sin? Wait, love the sin, hate the... I don't do that.

Yeah. For John Mayer. Love the sin or hate the sin. Yeah. Yeah. That is the saying. But I'm like, is that how I feel? Right, yeah.

I guess I will leave this in the time capsule. I'll send it to space, but I will have a disclaimer note. See, for me, I think it actually shows the complexity of the human condition. It's like you can be so talented and wise. And also trash. And still so stupid and bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And still so stupid and bad. Yeah.

Yeah. So there you have it, aliens. Not there, you go into space. Also, let them deal with him. Yeah. Not just the album goes, he goes. He goes. John is doing. He's our spokesperson.

We're like, this guy knows some stuff. Yeah. Not everything. But he's going to get you guys squared away. He has a live cover of Tom Petty's, what is the song? Free Falling? That is better than Tom Petty's. I've heard it.

Because John can sing and Tom Petty can't. I know. I know. It's getting really controversial. It's getting really controversial. Let me tell you something. Not all singer-songwriters should be singers. Sometimes you're just a songwriter.

And Tom Petty's an incredible songwriter. Are you ever craving to hear his voice? That's a good point. Free! Free falling! But John Mayer's cover of Free Falling is smooth. Yeah. He does something Yeah He does something

He does something Musically He becomes a different He becomes Not racist When he's singing he becomes less racist Yeah Yeah

Anywho What would be next on your record? What else are you sending? I got an offset Yeah Dr. Martin Luther King Yeah No okay

And we send him as a duo Imagine that spaceship ride No, okay. And we send them as a duo. Imagine that spaceship ride. Like, and they're together, and it's sort of like a juxtaposition. And, you know, there's stuff that they, but they, it's like a Venn diagram. Both have said some beautiful things.

One of them less so. I would send pop-up video. Pop-up video. The whole series. Remember this? No. Tell them. Tell them.

Tell them. It was an incredible TV show on VH1. VH1. Where you watch the music videos that are cool of the day, but there's every once in a while there's a little pop-up. With factoids. Oh, I've seen this. Yeah. Because this is what my dad

used to work out to watching. And I would go up and I would be like, what is he watching? It would be like scantily clad women. Yes. And I would be like,

dad? He'd be like running on a treadmill. He was learning. He was like, did you know this song? You know, whatever. You know that

Twitter account, Uber Facts? Yes. Which is like, factoids! That was pop-up video, but it. Which is like fact toys. Yeah. That was pop-up video, but it was little text bubbles within the music video where they were teaching you about the artist and the video and other wider things. And if you wanted to explain American pop culture, at least in that era, in the quickest, most enjoyable fashion, it would be pop-up video.

I will say this. That is made for me. I love a pop-up fact. Right? I love a little fact made for me. I love a pop-up fact. Right? I love a little fact. I like to learn something short and sweet. Yes. Yeah.

Don't make me read something long. Right? Yeah, that was great. Y'all didn't experience, it's okay, you saw a little bit, you had no idea.

I want to show you a still of it so you can see what it was like. I think pop-up video would be where I saw and then repeatedly saw for a few months

the music video to I Believe in a Thing Called Love just listen to it and it's a smoky room he's playing guitar he's screaming I swear I've seen a hundred times

oh there it is they give you little factoids oh that's so nice hey Madonna we saw Madonna I swear I've seen the pop up video for the Goo Goo Dolls

Iris a thousand times remember when VH video for the Goo Goo Dolls Iris a thousand times. Remember when VH1 was just Goo Goo Dolls TV? Which song is Iris? I know Sly. And I don't want to burn the shoes. Because I don't think that they'd understand. Well, everything's meant to be broken.

I just want you to know who I am. Why did I sing it like Pearl Jam? My grandma's name is Iris. Oh, my God. That song was written for her. Grandma. And I. We did sing it like Eddie Vedder.

I don't know why. That's the feeling it makes. It feels gritty. Did anyone ever see that movie that it came from? City of Angels? No. Didn't know it was a movie. I never saw the movie.

I've never seen it. It's a movie. It's iconic. Anya's freaking out. Right? The 90s, man. This is the thing. It's like I don't even have the attention span these days to sit through a minute-long TikTok video.

Let alone a three-minute music video. When I was 14, I would watch the Shawshank Redemption three times a month because TBS was playing it on loop. Yeah, you're like, what else am I gonna do? I'm watching Shawshank. That's what we're doing.

And without anything in your hands. Like now I'll watch a movie but I'm texting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm watching TikTok while I watch a movie and I'm like, that's fine. Yeah.

Yeah. But at the time I was just like, but that's because I was watching Blue Crush. And I'm like, that's fine. Yeah. Yeah. But at the time I was just like, but that's because I was watching Blue Crush. And I was like. What movie? Okay, so like that was your film, Sexual Awakening. That, Coyote Ugly. Those two movies I watched sort of in rotation

for a really long time. They know this, the listeners. They love the way that I love those two movies. What was yours? My Sexual Awakening film? Yeah. Okay know this, the listeners. They love the way that I love those two movies. What was yours? My sexual awakening film? Yeah. Okay. Now this sounds

a little nasty. It's okay. It's okay. It's like everlasting. Oh my God, I wish. No, to be honest,

the film I was just thinking of was Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Well, Blake Eichner is hot and plays soccer in it. She is hot and she plays soccer

and I didn't know what was going on. Soccer is hot, ultimately. What was the... I don't know if it's hot for men, but it's definitely hot

for women. It's a sexual sport, yeah. What was the sexy movie that was a remake? Oh, the Ryan Phillippe, Joshua Jackson,

Cher Michelle Gellar Cool Intentions. That was a remake? Cool Intentions was something before, right? It wasn't, okay. That was a remake? Cool Intentions was something before, right? It wasn't. Okay.

That movie was messed up. You watched a reason. Yeah. I was like, I can't believe we all watched this. It was messed up, bad, scary, ultimately. Well, because I'll never forget. Ryan Phillippe was hot. Joshua Jackson was hot.

And then Joshua Jackson made a joke about oral sex. Or someone was like, he's got a mouth like a Hoover. And I was like, whoa, I'm sexually awakened now. Yeah. And that was it, he's got a mouth like a Hoover. And I was like, whoa, I'm sexually awakened now. Yeah. And that was it. It's Dangerous Liaisons. Okay,

it's Dangerous Liaisons, but plot and did that. Cruel Intentions, Dangerous Liaisons. Pacey was gay as fuck in that movie. Yeah. And I was like,

okay. That's interesting. I even still like Pacey now. He is like, total middle-aged dad. He was in Pretty Little Liars. No, Big Little Lies. Lies, lies, lies.

Lying and little. Lying, lying, lying. We're little and we're lying. The 2020s are little and lying. Little lying. That was my sexual. Okay, what else was I? You know what?

I probably had one before him. Before that. Sexual, sexual. That one, that movie, also, they reference in Not Another Teen Movie in such a disgusting and vile way that every time I watch Cruel Intentions. Oh, the nasty kiss? Yes. When I think of Cruel Intentions, I think of that scene from Not Another Teen. Like, I don't even think of Cruel Intentions.

I think of the disgusting spit going across a bed between two. And I go, ugh. And there was just, like, that moment of just, like, cheap, porny movies. There was cool intentions. There was wild things. God, it's just, like, nasty to be nasty. Brian Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon, I think, met on that set, too. They had a baby.

And they had two babies. And then he cheated with the nanny. Oh, come on. And Reese had a big love. Reese is like a billionaire now. Reese has blown up. She sold her business for like hundreds of millions of dollars. Hey, Harper or whatever.

Yeah. Harper Girl. Oh, my God. I watched. Hello, Lovely. Hey, Beautiful. What is it called? I can't look it up. Isn't it like Hello, Harper? whatever. Harper girl. Hello lovely. Hey beautiful. What is it called? Isn't it like Hello Harper?

Hello Harper. Oh. No he's in Big Little Lies. Find it out. That's no worries. Everyone can can chill out I obviously don't like I told you I watch TikToks while I watch yeah

half in half out yeah you know they're dark they're brooding they're shows that are ultimately intriguing

yeah big little lies and the affair both featuring Nicole Kidman ooh yeah got a round of applause last night. I went to go see Tar because that's what good gays

do. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Two hours and 47 minutes. But it's Kate. We love her. For a second I was like, for the applause? Two hours and 47 minutes. But when the Nicole Kidman thing comes on, there was a hush and then I began the round of applause.

I started it. Oh, that's awesome. I love starting a round of applause. Gage Robles. My girlfriend didn't know really anything about the Nicole Kidman AMC culture. Yeah. And we went to see Barbarian. Sorry. Thank you.

Nobody else will apologize to me. I begged Casey for an apology. apologize to me I begged Casey for an apology he refuses I begged Gabrus I begged everyone for an apology about that movie

and no one is willing to give it so thank you finally speaking of bad movies I also saw the trailer for Babylon last night never gonna see it

it looks bad yeah anyways but the Nicole Kidman happened and people started saying it with her

and I joined in yeah and my girlfriend was like what and then after everyone clapped and she was like what the fuck is this

and I was like this is kind of like the culture of the theater yes yeah yes and she was like what is literally

like how does everyone know and I was like you just know I have the shirt there's a shirt with this thing on it in her face and I have that and I was going to be her for Halloween I was going, it's just her. You just know. What's happening? I have the shirt. There's a shirt with this thing on it in her face.

And I have that. And I was going to be her for Halloween. I was going to wear the silvery pantsuit with the wig. And I was going to make my boyfriend be the lights. Just like the whole lights. Oh, amazing. But that motherfucker, it's so LA. He's out of town Halloween weekend because he's going on a ayahuasca retreat.

Oh, my God. My mother went on one of those. And I'll say if he has an ailment, it's getting cured. Okay. Really? My mom was deaf in one ear. Shut the fuck up. She swears to God it's cured.

I don't doubt that. I told her to show me the science, but I'm like, go take a hearing test. Well, my boyfriend's like, go. Raise your hand if you hear the beep. Just go. Just go. Because he's been to a lot over the course of his life. And I'm like, you have to throw up.

I don't ever want to throw up. And shit your fucking pants. Oh, they don't tell you that. You shit like crazy? You're puking, you're shitting, you're shitting and puking. They make you throw up. The drugs make you throw up, but you're purging the bed. It's ultimately, the thing is, is that it's toxic for your body.

And so you're hallucinating because you're taking something that's toxic for you. Oh. No, because you're poisoned. But ancient cultures for centuries have found it to be good. Oh, yeah. All my respect. Yes. A hundred percent, literally.

But it's literally the reason it happens is because it's poison. Yeah. Okay. I'm interested. It's supposed to. I mean, I did it, but only a little bit when I was in Bolivia. That's like saying I was a little bit pregnant. You did it.

Did you grow up? Yes. So then you did it. I was like, no, I just took like a pinky. Just a bump. I just tasted it. I wanted to know what it tasted like. Yeah, no, no, no.

Just a pinky full. But my mom did it like big. Like she did like a whole retreat. This was like one day for me me and hers is like a weekend. Oh, God. That's his. So his is in – On hell, a weekend?

Thank you. And I told that motherfucker – When the spirits are alive? Thank you. Right. I told Alex for months, we are doing – I'm Nicole. Yeah. You are my helper.

Yeah. We're doing this. Yeah. You're a PA. Yes. Yes. You're a grip. I'm Nicole. Literally. You're a PA. Yes. You're a grip. Literally.

I'm a talent. Yeah. Yeah. But now he's going to be up doing that. But he has like, he has a bunch of friends. His ayahuasca friends, whenever they get together, you're just like, oh yeah. Whoa. They are.

Because they've seen something. Attuned. Yeah. Wow. They've seen something. Okay, that's awesome. Yeah. No, it's very cool.

I literally do respect it let's send that but yeah that's one of the things let them try it let them try it if they were gonna come for war they will reconsider

no actually you know what I would send thinking of drugs and the next thing to send really good California edibles yeah thank you yeah and I'd like to take this moment

to comment on everyone who's commented on the TikTok video yeah speak to this what video speak Shelby what happened oh my god I to comment on everyone who's commented on the TikTok video. Yeah. Speak to this. What video? Speak, Shelby. What happened?

Oh my God. I ate a lot of weed once. What I thought to be a lot. Uh-huh. And the internet disagrees with me. 100 milligrams.

Well, that's not true. How many MGs was it? 100. I ate 100 milligrams. Because I can kill you. Okay. No, I didn't think he was going to kill me.

I just had a bad time. What was bad time? I was way too high and it lasted a really long time. You didn't just go to sleep? No, I couldn't. Oh, girl. But I also like have – at the time I was smoking weed every night for like four, five years. Like it wasn't like I was like new to it and whatever.

But you probably were getting between five and 20 smoking. Well, and edibles hit so different for me. Either way, I didn't think I was having that much. I mixed up two different edibles and had that much by mistake. You had more than one edible. No, I had two edibles. Oh, you thought one was the other. Yes.

Okay, okay. Anyway, people are like, 100? I eat 5,000 just to feel something. Whoa, that's no. I want them all to shut up. Shut up. Because 100 is a lot. Thank you.

100 is a lot. By any means, it's a hefty amount of weed. It's also different for everybody, which is so weird. It's true. Well, you do hear some of the people in the comments being like, actually, I'm literally sell weed for a living. And that can be really a lot for some people. It is.

But I mean, I just like to address the allegations. Yeah. I'm not a fucking loser. Yeah, I got some for my dog once. She's just old. She has arthritis. And I think she has like

glaucoma or cataracts now. Her eyes are looking fuzzy. Anyways, love her. Zora, you're the best girl. What kind of dog? What is she looking?

Pitbull Terrier. Yeah, exactly, by the way. Yeah. I love Pitbull. I love Pitbull. It's her. Oh my God. Okay, she's got an awesome face. I, exactly, by the way. I love Pitbull. I love Pitbull. It's her.

Oh, my God. Okay, she's got an awesome face. I always want to talk to her. She's the best. But I was like, I'm going to do some doggy weed to help with the joints. Yeah. And so there's like this little vial of like serum and I got it because there's like a puppy's face on it. And I'm giving it to Zora and I'm like, this is great.

And then my boyfriend sees it and he's like, that's not for dogs. And I was like, bro, there's a dog on it. Yeah. And he's like, they just great. And then my boyfriend sees it and he's like, that's not for dogs. And I was like, bro, there's a dog on it. And he's like, they just thought that was cute. Look, for human consumption. I was giving my dog human weed. But it's also like,

weed is weed. Yeah, how different is it? But the packaging, you don't know what's what. Yeah, sometimes it is really hard to tell what's what. I also don't like the ones where it's just like,

oh, just CBD for your dogs. Give them PHC. Yes. Give them all of it. Let them your dogs. Give them PHC. Yes. Give them all of it. Let them get high. Let them get high as balls. Yeah. And the very least,

pretty funny. It's pretty funny when they do. Oh, yeah, when they're sitting up and they're sleeping. Yeah. That is funny.

But yeah, we can send them a lot of weed. What do you think that they should try? Do you want a whole? Who? Oh, the aliens. Oh, the aliens, yeah.

Let me think. The really, like, the edibles that, like, taste like Gushers. The ones that taste really good. Oh, my God. Thank you. Those are dangerous.

They're very dangerous. I want to eat the whole package. I tried to propose a business venture and everyone told me it was really stupid, but is that you get a bag of candy

and one of them is the lead one but so you can enjoy the whole but it's the same taste but so that you can have all of those because every time

I get the bag I go I want to have these that is smart so like a package of Skittles but one Skittle is the edible

but what if you drop that one Skittle well then you're fucked. And you'll have placebo effect. You have to be careful. Also a social experiment, I guess. I like that. A social experiment.

Oh, yeah. I would want it to be a pack of now and laters. Oh, love now and laters. That is the ideal weed delivery system, I feel like. They haven't been making those anymore, huh? Well, they're bad for your teeth. They, like, pull your teeth out. Oh, my God.

Sometimes you get really scared. You're stuck together. You're like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Sometimes you get really scared. You're stuck together. Dental practices have gotten so far with veneers. We'll be fine. You know how much it costs to get the veneers? Oh, my gosh. I do. My teeth are fake.

My teeth are fake because I knock them out, though. Yeah. What did you do? Bit the toilet. Bit the girl. How did you bite the toilet did you actually you bit it on purpose no

I'm not crazy I don't know you're right I just met you damn that toilet looking thick I was like hold on

what's that taste like no I I mean the truth of the matter is I had a seizure I fell forward and I bit

the toilet seat and I went through my chin and I knocked out these teeth. So these are fake. Well, I didn't knock them all the way out, just the top. Otherwise, I'd have to have implants, but they're veneers. They look great. Thank you. They do look really good. Actually, like I super recommend it.

Ended up looking better than ever. They look great. No, I did suffer through braces for a really long time for nothing. So my parents never get them for me. As a kid, I was like, I want them. And the dentist was like, you're good, bro. And I was like, this one right here. This one right here.

My dentist. Licensed dentist. What is it? DDS. Yeah, DDS. He was like, just take a popsicle stick and bend it like that. It's like, bro, you are a medical fucking professional. He didn't take the oath. He told me to take a medical fucking professional. He didn't take the oath.

He told me to take a popsicle stick and like lever it on the bottom to pull the top one out. And he was like, just do that when you're watching TV at night. And I refused. That's like how my gymnastic coach told me to do the splits during commercials. It's like, we'll do something for you. And I was just like, why are you telling me this? That's crazy.

Well, I do have a theory that – because when I was younger, my mom is a woodworker. You have great teeth. Thank you so much. They're real. They are real and they cost a lot of money. But when I was younger, my mom was a woodworker. She built me a beautiful bunk bed and I would chew on the side of it. I would bite it all night long. I was younger, my mom was a woodworker. She built me a beautiful bunk bed. And I would chew on the side of it. I would bite it all night long.

I was a very weird kid. But it felt amazing to dig my teeth into it. Spongy wood. Spongy wood. That's what I'm for. It's soft. Oh, my God. It felt amazing.

And I ended up being the only person in my entire family to need braces. And I kind of think that was my doing. Because I would, like, press the top of my teeth. Was it just, like, indented forever? Yeah. Oh, my God. Was your mom like, what the hell? There was my doing. Because I would like press the top of my – Was it just like indented forever? Yeah. Oh, my God. Was your mom like, what the hell? There was a day – yes.

There was a day where my sister was the one that found the bite marks and she was like – they were like all over the bed. Oh, my goodness. But it's like people do that with pencils. And isn't that – Yeah, people have oral fixations all the time. I just eat. Well, I'm saying pencils are also wood. Oh, yeah.

I just eat. Sure'm saying pencils are also wood oh yeah i just eat sure oh my god i never thought of it you know what okay wait i'm trying to think of something i just chew on i like to chew on things if there's like a piece of like okay this is a fun thing for me to chew on maybe people disagree whatever if you get one of those – well, it's a water bottle. I was going to call it a nipple top, but I don't think everyone calls them that. Like a Deer Park nipple top. No, I think we all know what you're talking about with the nipple top. Those are fun to chew on.

Those are really fun to chew on. Usually there's a piece of plastic to get the top to pop up. That little piece, it's just a thin little piece. Chew on that for hours. I do remember during the worst days of pandemic like the Zoom happy hour days of pandemic where you were just at home drinking. I had a day where it was like

two or three Zoom happy hours in a row and a bottle of wine with Sam. And by the last happy hour, I realized I was chewing the cork like chewing gum. No, you weren't. Yes, I was. Oh my God. I get that. I can't put the cork back in the bottle.

Finish the bottle. Was it like falling apart in your mouth? They're very sturdy. It has to be. It's supposed to last for decades. That's such a good point. Wow. So I do have a oral fixation.

Okay. So we all get it. Yeah. We get it. We get it. Toothpicks are wood, and people put those in their mouths the whole time. Toothpicks are fucking dangerous. People just chomp around on toothpicks. Toothpicks are fucking dangerous. Yeah. those in their mouths the whole time. Toothpicks are fucking dangerous. People just chomp around on toothpicks.

Toothpicks are fucking dangerous. Yeah. Way safer to chew on your bunk bed. I just had that. Ooh, I had a vision. Of what? Having a toothpick in your mouth and falling for it. That happens to people.

Well, it shouldn't. Sam, what is something that you would want to delete from the records altogether? And it doesn't have to be like the big stuff. It could be, but it doesn't have to be. I would delete. What would I delete from art? What would I delete? I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Give me 27 seconds. Okay. For example, today I walked through a spider web and I would say I would delete that. The feeling of, yeah. Like when you have that on your skin. And where's the spider? Right.

That's part of the fear. Yeah. I would delete, remember for a while when McDonald's had those shake-em salads? Yeah. Horrible.

Bad. Yeah. Bad. You can shake in anything also by the way it debased me so it debased me

you want me to shake in a cup no to me so it's the act of shaking the act of the shaking in the plastic cup so sad

well there's something about that that was like I think at the same times as the Campbell Soup sippers what were those I'm googling that the same time as the Campbell Soup sippers. What were those? You said that so casually.

Campbell Soup sippers. You guys know the Campbell Soup sippers? I don't. Anya does. It was Campbell Soup where you would microwave it, but it came in a cup with, like, a lid, and it was to do soup on the go. Who's doing soup on the go? But so what I was getting at was— Of all the things to do on the go, I must do the soup on the go. So many other things to do to go.

Drink the soup through. It was like a coffee cup of soup. Oh, yeah. That's disgusting. I mean, I say that, but I like tomato juice. Snacking soups. Campbell's called some snacking soups. So to me, to me, the sippers and that was all at the same time where we were like, get on the road, girl.

Yeah, you should be driving right now. Get on the road. It's time to fucking go. Can you just sit down and eat your food? How do you have time for that? It was, I think, when they were like, wait, do women for real work now? They're going to be moving. They were like, well, they're going to be moving.

So this is how you explain to the aliens late stage capitalism. Yeah. The Campbell Soup sippers and the Shaker Salads. And the Shaker Salads. Yeah, perfect. There we go. Because were you eating it in the cup? It's like I would have to put it into something after that.

I don't want to dig. Now I got to Google exactly what they call the Shaker Salads because they had a name. Onions on it? McSalad Shakers. Oh. McSalad. I'm sure there was a little ditty to go on. I got to runad shakers. McSalad. I'm sure there was a little I gotta run to my local.

Look at this. Oh, that's so bleak. Yeah. It's just. It's like a milkshake cup with a salad in it. It's a parfait of lettuce. It's not giving.

It's not giving. It's a trifle. And definitely all the liquidy stuff and heavy stuff is just at the bottom. Like I feel like the thing about a salad is. You know it was like McDonald's ranch. Yeah, like it's just is just at the bottom. I feel like the thing about a salad is you – You know it was like McDonald's Ranch.

Yeah, like it's just pooling at the bottom. They were very loyal to Newman's Own for a long time. Yeah. Paul Newman. I love Newman's Own. He's a good guy. He's such a good guy. It seems.

And a good-looking young Paul Newman. Have y'all caught on the hot tin roof? They be. There's some photo shoot of him going to some – he goes to the Venice Film Festival in 1960-something. And it's just like stories about how good he looked. That would be the only story for me. Oh my God. There was a sex dungeon that his wife made him go to to have sex with him all the time.

They called it like a sex hut? Yeah. And he was cool or she was cool? She was like, you're giving me that. And he liked it? She's like, look at you. You know why I married you? But it wasn't something that was bad about him?

No, no. Thank God. I was just making sure that what you were saying was- It's consensual. They were like so in love and they were so attracted to each other. They had a separate way of- Sex. Well, have you seen the show How to Build a Sex Room?

Look at this man. Look at that man. He was special. Sexy, yeah. That's a man yeah rest in peace though for real

seriously haunt me Paul come back there's been a haunting haunt me Paul look at this wow okay I've seen that

awesome swim trunks it is different they don't make them like that anymore none of the Chris's could ever no marry a Chris

name a Chris on this level I was trying I can't I'm like Chris I can't think of one Cuomo could ever. No. Marry a Chris. Name a Chris on this level. I was trying. I can't. I'm like, Chris, I can't think of one. Cuomo.

Just kidding. The Cuomo brothers are really bad. Just kidding. Who is Harry Styles? I don't know. I only know Paul Newman. Wow. That's all Paul Newman. Wow.

That's all I recognize. What does he look like in that? It's... Ryan Reynolds. No. Well, sure. Maybe. But I'm thinking of a blonde celebrity male present.

He was big in the 90s and maybe early 2000s. He's not big anymore. I think he also got into a drama about a nanny. So interesting. Jude's not big anymore. I think he also got into a drama about a nanny. Hmm. That's so interesting. Jude Law? Jude Law. He's not blonde.

He kind of looked like in that picture. Jude Law is fell off. Yeah. Yeah. But in that picture, he kind of looked like young Jude. Jude Law for a second was like the business. But life comes at you fast. Yeah.

It does. Life comes at you fast when you made millions of dollars really young. Yeah. Remember for a second he was in that Pope show, but there were like two Pope shows. It was like the new Pope and the Pope. Remember it was like multiple Pope shows? Right? I'm a big fan of the Pope show.

Yeah. And there was like two with like dueling names. Yeah, there was the young Pope and the new Pope. Yes! Why did they do that? Don't send those to space. That's like when they did... That's not being sent.

Ooh, what were the two movies that came out at the exact same time that they were the exact same movie with two different casts? It was the Mila Kunis, Ashton Kutcher movie. Oh, Friends of Benefits. And then Justin Timberlake and... Was it What's-Her-Face? Black Swan Girl? Madame Portman? Yes.

Right? I think so. When it was Friends of Benefits and then... Friends of Benefits was Justin Timberlake, Mila Portman? Yes. Right? Was it? When it was Friends with Benefits and then... Friends with Benefits was Justin Timberlake. You know, like, who knows? Yes. Oh. The other one was Ashton Kutcher and...

Natalie Portman. No. It might have been... What's the one? Amanda Peete? Is it that movie? No, not Amanda Peete. That was a weird one.

Well, was that locked in? No strings attached. No strings attached. well is that locked in no strings no strings attached friends with benefits and no strings attached coming out at the exact same time was one of the most

confusing things in Hollywood did nobody know was no one some of them friends Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are lifelong best friends

lovers also the straightness of it all like straights need a whole movie to figure out that you can fuck your friends. Yeah.

Yeah. Everyone else knew. Yeah. All the gays know this. They're like, are you sure this isn't crazy? We can just like fucking be friends?

Yeah. I don't think we can do that. She's my homie. She's like my sister bro I like talk to her about like how I feel it's not like I can fuck her she's not an object

meanwhile the average gay man in a city like LA most of their friends they have fucked before who else are you fucking how do you meet people don people you have to like the person i like reached a point in my life this is years ago where i like had a talk with myself and i was like sam one of your new goals in life for the next few years is to develop friendships with

gay men that you have not fucked and And I like was intentional about it. And that I will not. Okay. That's a key. And I've got a door now. I've got my little girlies. It worked out. It worked.

And none of you have fucked. No. There's not even a drop of sexual tension. No. Wow. I know. The idea makes me want to puke. Because they're my friends.

I would never. I would never. That's so inspirational to be honest. I would never. I would never. That's so inspirational, to be honest. Oh, okay, okay. So we can delete the salad shakers. Okay, yeah. Yes. Yeah, so take it back.

Yes. And I will say I would like to delete all the on-the-go snacks. I like an on-the-go snack. I don't want marketing to be like, eat on-the-go, always. Well, this is the thing. The perfect on-the-go snack is just a simple, classic package of french fries.

That's not what I thought you were going to say. I was getting ready for like, granola bar. Oh, no. Good old reasons and peanuts. Right, reasons and peanuts. Yeah. Yeah. French fries on the go. In the car. And McDonald's already sold that.

And they make them right. Yeah. McDonald's you don't have to change. I also swear that McDonald's puts fentanyl in their French fries. It's so good. So good. They're really special. I'm always like I don't need fries. And I'm someone that gets fries and I'm like whoa these are something else.

I mean this is. I got a Filet-O-Fish meal on the way home from the Carly Rae Jepsen concert this week. Oh my God. Greatest night of my life. Perfect day. Perfect. Wow. Literally perfect. Do you just see Carly Rae Jepsen? Yeah, at the Greek. It was really nice. I love her so much. It's funny though, her set list was weird.

She did all the big hits in the first half. You're like, girl, what you gonna do next? What would she do? She finished with songs that I was like, okay. You're like, sure, sure. Yeah, that's interesting. You wouldn she finished with songs that I was like, okay. You're like, sure, sure.

Yeah, that's interesting. You wouldn't want to mix it up. Yeah. Also, what if people are late? Let them see your good- I would send her. She's so sweet. She's so sweet. She's really,

and she'd be friendly to the aliens. She'd sing for them. Yeah. She's got some, I mean, Hanif Abdurraqib has an incredible essay

about why Carly Rae Jepsen's music is so meaningful. Have you read it? What's the thesis? Is it in the book, We'll Love in America? Or before that? They can't, what is it? They can't kill us till they kill us?

Yes. Okay. Yeah. It's just basically like, well, I don't even want to paraphrase it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. But it's like, he's at a Carly Rae Jepsen concert and he looks around and he sees all of these people having these really earnest, beautiful displays of affection. And he's like it's actually pretty rare to have an artist that just – that this is the crowd that they attract where it's just truly positive. Everyone means well. People are just open to like the people around them. There's a lot of like eye contact. I made friends with everyone around me at the concert.

That's amazing. Yeah. Like that's a really special thing. Yeah I made friends with everyone around me at the concert that's amazing yeah like that's a really special thing yeah anyway I love her same I think it's cool

that she she somehow made I didn't know of her before Call Me Maybe nobody did nobody did well I was making sure that I wasn't gonna be

roasted I was like you know what she'll be enough I was gonna say we all did in case you both were like

okay personally speaking for me and me only. Well, her first EP from 97 was really just... But I... She was kind of a joke during that. Like, Call Me Maybe was like, LOL. We like it, but as a joke.

And her pivot to being extremely legitimate is very cool. I remember the year that her like big follow-up album came out emotion which was really great yeah it came out the same year as the taylor swift album 1989 and all the critics were like this is the album taylor wish she could have made whoa all the reviews and they're right That's right. That's it. I will never say

anything bad about Taylor Swift on a microphone because I know my place. I don't fuck with those people. Yeah, it can get really scary.

This is the thing about Taylor fans. They're low-key crazier than Beyonce fans. Yeah, 100%. Because Beyonce fans are just like,

whatever, we know she's the best. Well, because Beyonce hears the thing. And Swifties, please, Swifties. Please just hear me out on Beyonce hears the thing and girl, Swifties. Please, Swifties. Please just hear me out on this.

Just please. Let Shelby talk. Swifties. Beyonce isn't torturing her fan base and teasing her fan base. Taylor Swift. Beyonce's just like,

here's an hour of great music you can dance to. Beyonce is like, I will go into my little cave, raise my children, and then I will come back, I will give you something. And it will be like the greatest Coachella show of all time.

And I will drop it sort of with very little promo. Here it is. Taylor will torture and tease. You know what she did this week? She put the lyrics of songs that haven't been released yet on Times Square. I swear to God. She's a psychopath.

I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. You said that. Notice who said that. Yeah, notice who said that. Notice who said that. Taylor Swift was doing her things where she was posting, like, some stuff on TikTok, some stuff on Instagram stories. She was splitting them apart where she was, like, holding telephones upside down and being like, you read into that.

She's like jigsaw. My favorite thing about the whole rollout. She's doing this thing where if you buy enough editions of the Midnight's vinyl, the record packaging will fit together

and become a clock. She is jigsaw. That's sick. I want nothing but good things for her Swifties I wish you peace and healing But ultimately She's crazy She gets off

I did not say that Again I think she's talented And probably lovely But the games that she plays It's an interesting tactic Are crazy But the games that she plays are crazy. It is nuts that you guys stick around. I love that you do.

She definitely loves that you do. I love, yeah, it's all love here for sure. It's literally all love. But like sometimes you fell in love with your imbuser. You know what I mean? Watching especially Gaylors on TikTok. This is something I just found out about and I wish I had it

watching Gaylers find out that Lavender was gonna be about her fiance was one of the darkest moments in every lesbian TikTokers life

and I was like what is going on like she's literally playing with you yeah well for a while for a while she was like

low-key queer baity as well right that's the problem yeah they're all like she's literally playing with you. Well, for a while, for a while, she was, like, low-key queer baity as well, right? That's the problem. Yeah. They're all like, she's literally told us she was gay in secret. Yeah. And then now she's like, I'm literally not. Yeah. By the way.

And everyone's like, no. I'm like. Well, she also does this good thing that celebrities like her are very good at doing where they're like, I will give you all these hints about my private life. But why is someone so invested in my, why does everyone care about my private life? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know, girl. I'm just a girl.

I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl.

I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl.

I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl.

I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl.

I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl.

I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl. I'm just a Taylor Swift song on the way over here because on my podcast, Into It, we had like a Taylor chat because – and I basically asked a music critic. I was like, it's been 15 years. I know her music.

I don't know her. What is the meaning of Taylor Swift? We had this like metaphysical conversation about it. And then I realized going back to the archives, my favorite song of hers is Clean. Oh, such a good one. It's a good one. Such a good one. The lyrics are...

I understand that what I just went off on made it seem like I don't like Taylor Swift. That's not true. You can't save it. You can't save it now. Blank Space

had such a special place in my heart when it came out. I don't listen to her albums top to bottom usually, but every time I've heard a song of hers, I go,

this is pretty good. I'm a huge Taylor Swift fan. My brother and I drove... EJ and I are going to fight after this. My brother and I drove overnight to be front row at the Speak Now concert in Vancouver, BC. Wow. And that's something that I don't talk about a lot.

But we were right there. Sometimes the lyrics go there. It's like, okay, I'm going to recite some more lyrics. I've been doing a lot of lyrics today. Yeah. Some lyrics of clean which still speak to me hung my head

as I lost the war and the sky turned black like a perfect storm rain came pouring down when I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe fuck me up daddy

yeah god damn she's a great writer god damn she's a great she makes good music she's done every genre which you do have to give a lot of respect to people forget like she had like God damn. She's a great writer. She makes good music. She's done every genre, which you do have to give a lot of respect to.

People forget, like, she had, like, a Kendrick Lamar feature back in the day. She's done it. She's really done every genre. I have nothing but respect for her music. You're digging out of that hole. You're digging out of that hole. Her marketing is psychotic. I stand by everything I've said.

I'm just also addressing that I do think she's talented. You know, two things can be true. She is also one of those pop girlies who's just like, no, this is what I do. Remember there was that whole phase of when she was going pop. And she's like, I'm going to go super pop. I'm not going to dance. I'm going to make videos all about how I can't dance. It's like, you know what?

You know your lane. Whereas like, Katy Perry tried to learn how to dance. Dua Lipa was like, let me move some shoulders. Taylor was like, nah. There was a help line

below the legs of some ballerinas. Literally. Literally. Also, she was the first to really know Kanye was crazy.

And you do have to give it up. I think Beyonce was the first. But she knew intimately. I think Beyonce was the first. Well, she knew intimately. I think Beyonce Beyonce kept that whole show together.

Yeah. Had Beyonce not done what she had Beyonce saved that show. Yeah. People forget. Yeah. Beyonce is the glue.

Definitely. Beyonce is the glue. Well, Beyonce is everything. Yes. By the way. Yes. People forgot. people said she was gonna come out with

a country album soon Beyonce I heard that too wouldn't that be really cool oh my god that would be amazing

Daddy Lessons was so good that if she went full country for a full album the things that woman could do it's also like whatever genre

she wants to do you're like oh yeah that worked yeah like I was afraid when this album was gonna be like fucking house and gay as fuck. I was like, can she do it?

Good. And I was like, oh my God, Beyonce just duck walked on my face. It worked. It worked. Yeah, of course she can do it. Her and Taylor have never done anything together, right? Remember when Taylor had the squad era? Yeah.

And there was a photo of Beyonce Beyonce looking distressed at like a Taylor birthday party we must share the same agent or something like Beyonce was just like but wouldn't it be so cool if they did one song together would it be good though? I don't think that Taylor would do it you don't think Taylor would do it?

Taylor Swift do you want to have your vocals up next against Beyonce's? that's such a good point I think it would be such a like moment you know

only if there's like 30 seconds of space between them two singing yeah you don't want to hear Taylor's vocals next to Beyonce's vocals and God bless them both

but it's true it's like Taylor's gonna be next to like Beyonce's like buttery voice yeah you know that's horrible

yeah why not in case she ever wants it Taylor's going to be next to Beyonce's buttery voice. That's horrible. Why not? In case she ever wants it. Make it on a country album? Okay, maybe. Could we send Taylor up? How would she be received by the aliens?

She would play games with their minds. Maybe we need that. No, we don't want to instigate. She's going to be like, here's what Earth is like, prank. It's like, she's going to take them to Mars and be like, it's Earth. If you sent Beyonce up there, she would teach them all the choreo for Beychella. Yeah. She'd have them build the bleachers and they would just do the show.

Oh, she does reputation with them. That would be special. That would be special. That would be special. That would be really special. What is next on your list? What else do they need to see? So, okay. What is it? One that's going and one that's being-

Going. Okay. Well, what I would take- Like going on, not being removed from. Going on. Yeah. And this will be the last one. Okay.

Yeah. We have gone over. It should be a non-perishable food item. Okay. Right? Right? I was going to say, like, obviously it should be a non-perishable. Obviously, obviously.

Of course, this will be a non-perishable food item. Right. Funyuns. Funyuns. Amazing. Because why? Have you had flame and hot Funyuns? No, I care about my body.

I don't. Just kidding. I had a friend who was leaving America. She was like going to live in Spain for like foreseeable. Good for her. And she's a big Funyuns stan. So the whole food, like she was like, they might not have them. Oh, no.

Because they care. Did she fly across the Atlantic with Funyuns? No, we did like a whole like every food at her going away party was Funyuns. And so they were flame and hot Funyuns? No, we did like a whole, like every food at her going away party was Funyuns. And so they were flaming hot Funyuns. And I gotta say, I tried them out of curiosity and they do fuck.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Sure. In a mortal fight to the death, who wins, Funyuns or Bugles?

Bugles. It's a game. Why? So matter of factly, why? It's a game, it's a toy. You put them on your little fingers. You said it's a game, man. No, it's a gay man so matter of factly why it's a gay man it's a game it's a toy you put them on your little fingers

you said it's a gay man's no it's a game and oh I thought you said it was a gay man's food I was like how no it's a game show me I never knew

what am I missing first of all bugles are ostensibly gay yeah um well I would always wear them on my fingers you put them on your little fingers

like a true queen and you get to sort of dance around you can't put a you can't fingers you put them on your little fingers like a true queen and you get to sort of dance around but Funyuns are rings you can't put a Funyun on your wrist it's like a dangly bracelet too big for a ring oh it can't go all the way out not for my fingers

it'll crack yeah and I believe that they're a little bit more fun in that way and also they feel better on my tongue they have a weird texture

which is what does the bugles bugles they're a little too rough weird texture, which is the bugles. They're a little too rough. I like the crunch of the bugles. Oh, they're too rough for you. I'm very tough. Okay. I like that there's air in the middle, so when you go yeah, there's like a little space there.

Funyuns are almost too airy. I am eating a different snack. I think funyuns are too crunchy. Bugles have some air in there. Do funyuns have actual onions? snack. I think Funyuns are too crunchy. Bugles have some air in there. Do Funyuns have actual onions? No. I wish.

So then we're talking about onion rings. Yeah. Which are? So good. Top five. But when it's so hot and the onion comes out and burns you. Yeah. I'm also – this is an idea.

Yeah. Some enterprising restaurant make onion rings with the onion out of the middle. It's just a coating. So, isn't it just deep fried dough? So, you want a funnel cake. Savory. Yeah. Savory funnel cake.

Yeah. Savory funnel cakes. I mean, that's impressive. I'm sure that – you know what they make at a lot of carnivals these days is deep fried butter. Oh, we haven't had that one. So in that way,

I think it ultimately is that. I love funnel cake. You don't want deep fried butter? Did you buy deep fried butter? No, I've never had it. I just see it. What if she had, Casey? And what if I had?

And what if she'll be, love deep fried butter. Are you culture shaming me? I'm from Ohio, bitch. She was. This reminds me of the craziest news assignment of my life back when I was doing Breaking News. Years ago, there was like one case of Ebola in Dallas, you might recall. I remember Ebola.

And they were like, Sam, go cover it. And I was out there for like two weeks because I was just there until it was over. And on one day, I just went to the site where the family lived. No one was there, so I just crossed the police state. I was like, oh, that's wild. The next day, they were like, Sam, do a story about whether or not Dallas is

moving on. Go talk to people. So I end up going to the Texas State Fair. Exactly. Walking around folks eating deep fried butter, being like, how do you feel about the Ebola case? And they're eating their fried butter and being like, it's all right. I don't know. Got to keep living. Anyways, I thought of that.

I don't know. This shit's delicious. Yeah. Yeah. What do they make in Texas State Fairs? They've got to make some good deep fried stuff. I haven't been to a – I mean, they – Because they've got to be frying like barbecue.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to think of my younger days when I would go to shit like that where we were eating. I was – I just love the imagery of the turkey leg. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's such a satisfying – Right? Yeah.

Huge. You grow up when you're a kid holding a turkey leg. Now I want a turkey leg. No, you don't. That meat is tough. Yeah, it's true. It's really tough. Thanksgiving is right around the corner.

If you haven't yet ordered your turkeys, go ahead and get to the supermarket today and order that turkey. Today's episode is brought to you by Butterball. Butter up that turkey. Get under that skin. And so, yeah. Is there anything else you would put on your records? Yeah, last minute stuff. Just to blurt them out, just to make sure that we know. A Lisa Frank trapper keeper.

Okay. Just beauty. Just beauty right there. That's where we'll keep all the papers for that. Yeah. Because there's going to be some liability tapes. Oh! Anya!

The book is called Alien. Okay, either Anya did that, which is my first guess. It's haunted in here. It's haunted in here. Or Taylor Swift just did that. Taylor was like, fuck you. Enough. Elisa Frank, Trapper Keeper is where we put the liability releases for the aliens.

We'll be like, this is just openness. And the rubric to decipher Taylor Swift lyrics goes in the Trapper Keeper. Okay. And one little word problem, which is how would you describe this TikTok-over? Every TikTok-over I go, I need to break this down. I understand why people go crazy. Well, you also realize when you watch her on TikTok, you see, oh, she's in her 30s now. She's like, I'm doing TikTok because the other girl is doing TikTok.

I love your how Rigo does TikTok. I do TikTok. I do TikTok. Feels very forced in many ways. But all my love and respect to her. And all my love and respect to her fans. Yes. Who work harder than anyone else. Happy Midnight's weekend. Happy Midnight. It's almost

midnight. Ding, ding, ding. So it's like 10pm.m. or something. So wishing you well. Yeah. Love you, besties. Love and light to you and yours. And may she be kind to you. Long may she reign.

Long may she reign. Exactly. Seth, where can people find you? I have two weekly podcasts. I do one for Vulture and New York Magazine. It's a weekly pop culture podcast called Into It where we help you obsess about pop culture better. Get it on Thursdays wherever you get your podcasts. This week's episode is a deep dive on the meaning of Taylor Swift.

So wait, literal perfect tie-in going over there. And then my other show is a gab fest with two good friends of mine, poet Saeed Jones and producer and journalist Zach Stafford. That one's called Vibe Check. That drops every Wednesday. In this week's episode,

we had a really big, funny debate about which candy is the gayest candy. What did you land on? Well, don't spoilers. You tell me. In your opinion. Gayest candy? Gayest candy. Lesbian or Queer.

Queerest candy. Fundip. Why? Something about it. I don't know. Yeah. There's something about the... I don't know. Yeah. Hmm. Don't overthink it. I am.

Too late. I'm going to go... Sour belts. What? That's a very lesbian answer. Thank you. So true. Thank you.

So I will give a spoiler. I'll go to the episode for the full debate. But in my opinion, the gayest candy is a Snickers bar. Oh, my God. I'm so eager to hear why. There's no way to eat it heterosexually. I was literally like, it is not chocolate. That I can say off the bat.

So I'm fascinated. Bite into a Snickers bar and see what it looks like. The action itself, what comes out of it, it's phallic. Okay. Well to me, then you can also involve a ring pop in that and I actually think I would put that high on my list.

Yeah. Ring pop is very – yeah. Yeah. Oh, that sound. You heard it here from the first host. Puts the lotion on the basket. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for coming on.

Sorry we kept you late. Oh my God, this was worth leaving my house before 5 p.m. Oh, yes. And one last question for you. Would you say that this room is really hot? I don't know. Oh, I would. Now I'm trying to...

I just realized that I've been like dewy for a minute. I run cold. Oh, that must be really nice. I like to think I do until I get in to. We're sort of. I just realized that I've been like dewy for a minute. I run cold. Oh, that must be really nice. I like to think I do until I get in here. See? See? Yeah. Green M&M's.

Hot ass room. Yeah. That's it. Yeah, we got it toasty in here for you folks. Thank you. Thank you again so much. Thank you so much. It's been a pleasure.

Go listen to his podcasts now. Right now. Thank you. Can I invite's been a pleasure. Go listen to his podcasts now. Right now. Thank you. Can I invite you guys on one of them soon? Absolutely. Okay, done. All right, then. Yes.

Teams will talk to teams. Yay! Let's hear it for the Taylor fans. Yes. That was a HeadGum Original.