Keeping Records - Home to Mama

Episode Date: January 21, 2022

Caleb and Shelby are back with their first video episode, which also just so happens to be a Listener Submission episode. Caleb questions the quality of his video, but decides he doesn't care because he looks great on camera. Meanwhile, Shelby's shadows? Sort of going wherever they want. Before diving into your picks, Caleb and Shelby analyze: Caleb's crazy week with the Pope in Tucson Girlies who can have free clout because they're *the* girlies 3rd string NFL tight ends they are both attracted to And Listeners...your submissions for this week are equally alarming and beautiful, welcome bark lil freaks: Your Record Additions "Thrussy" used in jest (Portmanteau) Earnest a cappella music (Audio) The Pope shaming people (Experience) Denver int. airport conspiracy theories (Chronicles) Yelp restaurant reviews (Literature) Getting surprise mail from a friend (Experience) "Uppercut" by Lou Roy (2022 Song) (Listen on Apple Music or Spotify)   Your Deletions “Thrussy” used sincerely (Portmanteau) Caleb being a bully to Shelby (Perception) Finding out via Instagram story that your crush is in a new relationship (Experience) Sleeping in AirPods and waking up with sore ears (Affliction) Baby memorabilia that weirdly sexualizes the kid (Trend)   Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. We step out of our solar system into the universe, seeking only peace and friendship.

We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, It's giving welcome bark. People want to get rid of welcome bark, shall we? And if I could just interject there, it'd be really... One person wants to get rid of welcome bark and felt empowered to sort of say that to us, to our internet faces. Can I say something that I think is empowering? You can do your best, but right now, honestly, if I i could be so bold your internet's breaking out yours internet is breaking out my internet's normal i have a normal internet you have a bad internet no this is not good no i've any if i learned anything from my instagram live if i learned anything from my instagram live it is your internet that's breaking up and mine is perfect. The files will save crystal clear on your comps. Yeah. But the

only issue is that's so true. It's I'm just Shelby. I'm more talking over each other. So it's hard to get a rhythm because I can't, you're cut, you're all choppy. You're both all choppy for me, which is, um, yeah. So for both choppy, you do have to sort of think it's you right i'm not really interested in who it is necessarily i'm just trying to figure out how i would do something about it um shelby who said name names who said they want to get rid of welcome bark i will have to look but i think we'll have to bleep it out. Right? Yeah, probably.

I kind of... But let me see. No, I don't actually care about their name. I actually kind of agree with them because when we have guests on that aren't close friends, Welcome Bark does get really scary to me, I will say. Do you ever get a little scared? Yes, but it has only ever been funny yeah but don't you fear you have to follow the fear caleb when i was studying comedy in chicago illinois something i was taught that i

think you could take a lot out of i think you could really you know hang your hat on is to follow the fear and and good things will happen, when I was studying improvisational comedy in Chicago, Illinois, the, the Harvard of improv, they said, follow the fear. And that is something that I think you,

yeah, you could really grow from. Right. I, yeah, I do. I strive to learn from you every day, but,

um, sometimes there is a barrier for me. Sometimes there is a barrier for me in learning from you. And that's the fear. And that's the fear. That's the fear. No, I don't think it's fear. I think it's that you come across insane and weak, which is a that's a crazy combo you can admit

yeah but in a way something to take home to mama you know something to learn about something to take home to mama is that i'm i'm psychotic and weak take that home to mama put that throw that on the grill fry that up honey mama needs to know take that to take that to me mom papa bring it to mama my mama your mama who do you think would win in a fight between our moms and who do you think who do you think would win in a fight between our moms my god i have an answer the thing is is both of them well is, is both of them... Well, I think you think your mom. No.

And I get that, you know? You think it's my mom. I think it's Jillian. I was thinking... I really think both of them have the ability to win. And it's all about desire with them. Yeah, I think they both... I think they are evenly matched. And I think it comes all about desire with them. Yeah, I think they both. I think they are evenly matched.

And I think it comes down to desire. I think that out of the two of them, your mom would win. Take that home to mama. I think she has. Take that home to mama. Go tell your mom that your friend's mom could beat her ass. Take that home to mama i want the listeners to know that somebody on the recording has bad wi-fi right now now we don't know who we can't we can't prove if it's me or

shelby we don't know we don't know who has bad wi-fi but what we know is that i am getting a and i want to get the number right here 27 second delay between when i speak and when shelby speaks so if you're if you're watching this episode on youtube are you listening to it on wherever you listen to spotify it's where available spotify is if you listen to it you just need to know that shelby and i are working through something intense and this is our first episode back after the break so and i think if you hadn't noticed besides us saying it a few times the thing about the internet what i would say is aren't you guys impressed with how well we're playing it off oh i hope my video turns out fine though because i look really hot right now like i like

i have i have a really good lighting and like a little bit of i have just a little bit of stubble not too much but just enough and i just got a haircut in my heart of hearts i hope i hope that my video is a little grainy i could look better yeah i could have better everything yeah well your lighting is lighting doing you any favor. Yep. And so. Yeah, I have shadows going sort of wherever they want. They're not predictable.

And they're not predictable. Shelby. No, there's a shadow here and here. How? Tell me how light works. Take that home to mama. Take that. Take that home to mama. Take that. Take that home to mama.

Let her investigate that. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. I got a calf cramp while I was laughing. Ow. Oh.

I've been trying to play tennis. Oh, Caleb, it does. I've been trying to play tennis. Wait, you've been trying to play tennis and you haven't asked me to come play? I can't play with you anymore. You're mean to me about it. What? Yeah.

What was I mean to you about tennis? Last time we played, you got mad at me. You were mean to me because I can only do shots that have a bottom spin on them. I can only hit the ball with bottom spin. Or, no, you can do two shots. You have two types of shots. Oh, God, it hurts. You have close to the net, backspins into the net.

Sprint in. And then you have hit it as far as you can, run out as distant as you can. Sprint, sprint sprint sprint and it's really what it ends up being is uh suicides for to the net back yeah yeah i'm not good at tennis so no no that's where you have mistaken yourself you could be very good at tennis you are bad at rallying you are good at tennis well and now i got the calf problem so i just don't know where my career is going to take me but oh there's been actually some crazy stuff happening in in the tennis world this past like week and a half so yeah one of the big guys got

to talk about it but it's well yeah but then it turned out that he had COVID, tested positive, lied about it, broke his quarantine. And then Australia was like, yeah, so we didn't really want him to play. King, we have got to stop letting the government keep us down. King, King, no more quarantines. Get out there. Everybody get out there everybody get out there no no i've been wondering actually because we were living together at the time where were you on january 6th january 6th i was on the east coast with friends and that's all i'm gonna say

about it um no no no no no no no no i wasn't at the capitol doing anything um i was being normal in la so um but you have to admit it it would have been kind of fun to be at the capitol on january 6th not do it like okay don't obviously don't you know i think it would have been funny those people are crazy i don't know i think personally and I think for both of us, a lot of them would have a lot of vitriol for a lot of the identities of which we hold. Because you're short and I'm fat. Exactly. Okay. Shelby, why don't you tell our listeners a little bit.

Shelby, why don't you tell our listeners a little bit about the break and where we are with the podcast? Because we got a lot of something that concerns me is that we got a lot of messages saying the podcast is over. Oh, no, the podcast is over. You guys are never coming back. Never even once did we hint towards that. So I want you to talk to the listeners a little bit about those fears, if you don't mind. Go ahead, Queen. First thing that I'll say is one specific listener saw us say we are returning on the 21st and took the opportunity to say,

is it the final episode? What I'll say is this is not the final episode. Yeah, it makes no sense that we would come back after a long break. A little bit weird of us to take an extended break and come back for one hour. And tell public lies. To be like, we're coming back with a brand new format.

We're doing video for one last ride. No, no. This is not the last episode. We want you guys to see us as it were for an hour. Shelby, do you think that gay people should be able to vote? No. I think bi people should be able to vote no i think bi people should be able to vote though and you think and you think bi people exist just so i'm clear i'm not positive

you can't say that you can't say that bi A. Bi people are the most offended people on earth. When conservatives talk, they're like, oh. I get to say that. I think bi. I don't think you are, babe. And that's on me knowing you. But can you explain that? Because let's talk about it. We have a lot of a similar taste in guys.

And I'm dating a woman. What else would I do? I think you are a lesbian who likes sports, and you get confused. You'll be like, oh, this football player, he put up so many yards this game. He's so hot, and I think you just respect his talent. Some of our favorite male athletes that we have talked about

are bad at their sport. Name them. It's impossible for it to be david and joku bad at football not true third string tight end oh yeah well he's still in the nfl baby that doesn't make you bad at football come on come on sweetheart take that home to mama take that home to mama but um no i am bye for everyone that's wondering in the live someone was like wait shelby dates girls and i was like do you listen to the podcast we talk about my sexuality a lot the podcast the podcast was We talk about my sexuality a lot. The podcast was actually a major turning point in your sexuality because we had to decide what we were going to say about it. Yeah.

Episode one, I was pretty much confronted about it. And then I said, yee. That's so beautiful. That's so beautiful. I said, I can come out of something broadcast huh what are you gonna come out as republican no i don't make enough money for that yet probably in the next year or two um no i'll come out as um i'll come out i'll come out as um oh i'm a i'm vegan babe be realistic do you have to be something if you say you're coming out is it um i mean so that's actually a really complicated question i think

in the hollywood sense no i think it could very much just be publicity i'm vegan but in like the friend to friend sense like yeah i would i would want you to be it In the Hollywood sense, no. I think it could very much just be publicity. I'm vegan. But in the friend-to-friend sense, yeah, I would want you to be it. Be about it. You know what I mean? I want you to be about it. I want you to be about it for once.

Why don't you try? Why don't you? All I see from you is this. Talk, talk. Dude, talk with the hand. Talk, talk, talk. All I see is you doing this. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. I want you to have kale with a side of spinach.

I did have, I did find a salad that I really love. And that might surprise you, Shelby. Is it the salad you told me that you had the day that we got dinner and you were like, I can't have another salad, I just had a salad? Oh, my God, sorry. another salad. I just had a salad. Oh my God. Sorry. I have COVID. No, I don't.

I, yes. So the salad that I have, the salad that I fall in love with is, and we'll have to bleep this of course, because no free clout for the girls. No free clout for the girlies. But the salad from, if you add yeah extra go ahead speak on it no no i want to i want to respond to you once i hear your full order i was just going to

say you get that bad boy and then you add a little bit of extra uh apple you add some red onion and you add a little bit of extra chicken for me which of course wouldn't speak to you um or well i'm vegan um but yeah some people might add extra chicken as well and then you just go to town you shake that bad boy up and you get in there what i will say is this speak which you know fucks it up on a salad. They know exactly what they're doing with salads. And I don't want to pay the premium on a salad. I don't. I don't want to pay a lot of money for a salad.

But they make it worth it. Queen. Queen. Queen. Queen. You're preaching right now, Queen. And that's why in 2024. No. You wouldn't't dare you wouldn't dare run for office you are old enough though aren't you you're 35 what'd you say no you're 35 39 looking fine like a bottle of no i'm 14 for real oh i'm 14 for real i'm for real to be honest with y'all no cap i'm 14

literally i'm 14 i'm 14 and that's on period white people white people i will say obviously we're kidding because we're really cool and normal. White people who earnestly use AAVE have got to stop. What do they do? It sounds so foreign. It does. It is the same as when someone tries to order in spanish do you know what i mean like it sounds very similar to when someone like when you are i want a margarita you're like okay

school it hi you go to what you go to a mexican restaurant with a white person and they're like hi could i oh my god hi sorry um i'm gonna have just a water with uh lemon and then could i get the the tortas it's like what are you doing bitch quit stop yes i want the fat that was problematic shall we i know you thought it was satire but that was problematic what's happening? No, it does need to stop. It's not good. It was more problematic for me than for you.

Yeah, there's just something about your delivery that was giving problematic. I have a very astute and precise sort of political edge that made mine, I think, feel different. And you could take that home to mama. Mama has got to hear that. I cannot explain. And I want to keep bringing it up during the episode because it's our podcast we can do whatever we want on here i cannot explain how jarring the the video problem is yeah i can't i can't imagine that this video turns out well what do you mean no i think the video will because I think in the system it is fine. Yeah, I look hot on my screen. It's a struggle for us to overcome.

Yeah. And I think that's what gets taken. Katie's nodding. I look hot on my screen. I look good. I could get a boyfriend from this episode. I think the video will be fine. I think the problem for me in theory about the video being actually good is that no one will know the struggle that we had.

Nobody will know. Everyone would think it was as easy as it looks. And it never, almost never is. This is the problem with getting great at something. You know, we're at the point now that we are, we are legitimately great at podcasting. There's almost no one that can do it like us. I think I would put maybe Brene Brown and Joe Rogan, I would say. Yeah, they maybe are in our atmosphere.

But we are in such an advanced tier of podcasting that it does often look easy what we do. Oh, they just get on there and they, you know, fuck around. That's not the case. We're actually doing something that many, many, many people could not. Some people run marathons. And I get that. That takes training. Some people free solo in the Yosemite.

For Caleb and I, that doesn't appeal to us. We could do that. Both of us could do that really easily, actually. What we choose to do is this. Talk to each other over Zoom. Yes. And record those conversations as fodder for you.

And that's our kilimanjaro that's our yes what do they climb in free solo i keep trying to think i'm everest no here's to the crazy ones the misfits the rebels the troublemakers the round pegs in the square holes the ones this something i'm just thinking of on the spot the ones who see things differently this is my did you google this did you look this up no this is something i'm saying on the spot they're not fond of rules and they have no respect they have no respect for the status quo i think this is something i'm just thinking of right now like you can quote them disagree with them glorify or vilify them.

About the only thing you can't do, Shelby, is ignore them. Do you understand what I'm saying? Because they change things. They push the human race forward, Shelby Wolstein. That's how you can tell I'm coming up with it. And while some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. And this is probably the most important part that I'm about to come up with. The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world through podcasting on the HeadGum Network are the ones who do.

Does that make sense? What I just said? Yeah. No, I think it does. I think it makes a lot of, and I really thank you for sort of, I don't know, opening up your heart in that way. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think.

Do you feel okay? I know that was probably a lot of like emotional. Yeah. I hope that music swells under you during that speech, if it could. But yeah, no, I think it's good. Yeah. yeah yeah do you need a second you asked if i was okay i'm not okay um when i think about how good we are at this it actually works me up i'm crying because they're just so many people live i say 99% of people go through their whole life without ever finding their thing. And we were so lucky to find podcasting.

It just makes me cry. It makes me cry. I want to say I'm not okay. I'm just good at pretending I am. Oh, you paint on that smile every morning and lie to the world, huh, girl? Yeah. Oh, fuck. I've seen it a million times.

It's always the ones you think you don't have to worry about, Robin Williams. Check on your strong friends. Check on your strong friends. Check on your strong friends. And write a check for your strong friends as well. Take them to dinner. God, please, finally, someone pay your strong friends. Take them to... Okay, thank you.

It's good. Shelby. What's up what is the craziest place that you have ever been to uh what for the records i was just thinking about travel. I was thinking about travel. Hold on, I'll explain. I was thinking about travel, and I was thinking about how travel can really change a person's life. Because you and I, we've seen the world, right? And now here we are. We have millions and millions of listeners on this podcast

who come to us for advice and help understand the culture. And I think that travel has really informed us. So I'm wondering what is the craziest place you've ever been to? Shelby. You know, sometimes the craziest place is sitting around in front of you the whole time.

I have no idea. What? What? I don't know. I can't think of a single place that's crazy so i said some shit mine's got what's the craziest place you've ever been to where gatlinburg tennessee gatlinburg why do i know gatlinburg it's in the Smoky Mountains, darling. Why do I feel like I have been there? You haven't been there. I can tell. You're not the kind of person who would do well in Gatlinburg.

Well, it would... Okay. You have a very city demeanor. You have a very big city demeanor. Gatlinburg's a place for simple folks. I'm from Ohio, babe. What part? I mean, technically, chagrin falls and where would people say that is

the clee the clee the land the land Welcome to the land. I don't ever want that. Yeah, the Cavaliers are coming, Colin. The Cavaliers are coming, Colin. They're asking me to do some stuff. I hope what they ask you to do is go to jail, because that was out of line i almost spit out my water and i had the wherewithal to say this is a video episode and i cannot be embarrassed like that

and i and i and i worked my way out of it, which was hard. It's not easy to be me. Is it not? Easy being me? No, it's not. Yeah, you have to sit around all day. You have to sit around all day. Think up things to post on the internet.

Go shopping. Eat hot chips yeah wait yeah wait nobody's talking about how hard it is for me to get up the courage to post a tiktok it's so posting on the internet is so demeaning it no matter what you're posting what i mean it's just like oh here's my thoughts oh awesome thanks so embarrassing the the distance with the time it took for me to get a tiktok almost has set the expectation that it's got to be a banger and now i have the account. Told people to follow it. I'm having a hard time thinking of something to post. Now, you know that I avoided TikTok for a long time. Yeah.

But I recently have just leaned into it because I don't know. I don't really know why I'm doing it. I don't know why I post anything. I don't really know why I do anything. I just sort of float through life and um you know sometimes I sometimes I do sometimes I come up with an idea I'm an artist you know I think one of the funniest things right now in this conversation is you playing it off like you just do stuff when you're one of the most calculated people I know I don't know sometimes I don't know i just float through

i just float through this world and if something strikes me you know as an artist i um i pick up my brush and i paint meanwhile caleb caleb is taking some string to a board thinking about what could happen with tiktok if he if he gets one and it goes red string absolute serial killer vibes it's no everything that serial killers and the people that catch them both use red string ever thought about that i never thought about it that way i do want to say though everything i post online is ultimately about getting a husband and it might not seem like that sometimes it might seem like oh he's got he wants a career in comedy or you know oh he you know he wants to post it you know he wants to post a funny video no everything

i post online is about eventually finding a husband and it is not going well my friends it's going bad i'm single i'm very single and the people who hit me up are weird on the internet this all this all will get this all will get bleeped not cut bleeped long beep no freak out for my dating life this will all get long beeped um didn't you have a crush recently is that gone this is getting long beeped and this is when the beep ends. So just know that the beep was from then until now. Yeah, I do have a crush right now, which is such an embarrassing... You know, I'm sort of racing towards 30. I turned 27 this month.

And I'm on a bullet train to 30. And to have to say out loud... It's crazy how much older than me you are. What are you talking about? What are you talking about what are you talking about girlfriend oh age and time and how much more of it you've had than me you are literally older than me to the to the point that we shouldn't even be hanging out probably Caleb says when when he was like six six years old he was hanging out explicit with six-year-old women he's like you know we shouldn't even be hanging out with our one-year age difference they shouldn't have been hanging out with me it was weird that they were confiding in me i had to

grow up quick but they did oh my god okay you know what i want what? I want to go to the ads. Let's go to the ad break. Let's go to the ad break, honey. It's giving advertisements. It's giving advertisements. It's giving paid clout for the girlies. It's giving corporate sponsorship for the corporate girls. Let's go, girls. Shania Twain wrote that about ads.

Yes. Welcome, Bark. Welcome, Bark. Caleb, would you like to give us a bark? What about you? That was good. Yeah. This is...

Okay. Different kind of bark. Different kind of dog. I was so moved by that because in that moment, you were playing a dog but something that truly great performers do that you do that you did just now in that in that performance was you brought so much of your lived experience to that dog and i felt that in such a way it made me it made me scared it made me happy it made me horny it made me sad speak on that the horny piece i want to fuck you in dog form i want to hook up yeah no no yeah

no no no no we can't we can't cross that boundary yeah no people don't know i don't want to tell people i don't want to tell people how to interpret my art but i was as that dog character and i think you got this from what you were saying i think you really fully grasped this but yeah depressed. Yeah. Depressed. I was. Well, not just depressed, but I was really crying out for something specific. Like I was really asking for something. A cure to depression.

And I don't want to tell people what the situation was and all that. But I think, you know. Probably medication and therapy. People keenly aware of the artistic world and who have know have sort of a an eye for good art they're really gonna understand exactly what i was sort of asking for needing wanting as the dog in that character right right right shelby let me ask you this what do you think what do you think and it's so inspiring to talk to a young artist like you um who has come so far but has so far to go what do you think you're what what do you think your role as an

artist is in society tell me that well i think you know any good artist has quite a few you know and so i think for me it starts with sort of opening opening eyes you know waking sleeping brains waking sleeping giants really like people who are just sort of sleep walking through life i want to wake them up and i think that is a big goal of mine is to you know bring the world a little bit more life i think a lot of creatives will say that they want to bring joy to the world that's not always true yeah if i'm playing a, sad character such as the dog, I want people to feel sadness. I don't want only joy from my art. Maybe joy in the act of feeling in such a powerful way.

But yeah, I think I just want to wake people up and let them see the world. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. people up and and and let them see the work you know what i mean yeah yeah i think in a very very similar vein my role as an artist in this world is to um package and commodify my queerness in a way that pleases corporations and challenges nobody and i think that the more that benefits monetarily the more successful my art is does that sense? Speak more on that as it pertains to the, and again, we'll bleep this out. So I did use, I got paid a lot of money to do that.

And I did use my queerness. I really brought my queerness to that project. And it was, it's never coming out. They're never putting it out but i got paid regardless and i think that that is that that is a form of grifting and grifting is so inherent to queerness because of trauma um most queer people had to become grifters in order to survive and so to grift is to be grifted is inherently then a tentpole of straightness right so when i am grifting and not allowing myself to be grifted i am doing the radical act of being openly queer yeah yes yes which yes by the way and i hope that this was i i hope that you already had taken this away before

i even said it but i want to say thank you for that. Well, I want to say you're welcome. Not just to you, but to little queer kids everywhere. Yeah, I really want to say you're welcome. Hey, do you want to ever look at these things that people submitted or should I just sort of pretend like we never asked? Was it all deleted? What was the question that we asked? You posted it. No, it was add, delete, was add delete additions delete yeah let's get into that you got any ones that really spoke to you these are so listeners you if you follow us on instagram you are uh you are royalty to us

and if you don't you are absolutely dirt beneath our toes please get over there and throw a follow um and shall we ask the question which was what would you add or delete to the records and one of these does speak to me if only because i don't know what it means and i think i'm sort of making myself look like a loser by admitting that what is and pardon my naivete what is thrussy so thrussy is um part of a really troubling trend in the queer community where people make up words that are disgusting and thrussy refers to um the throat uh as a pussy and so you might you know you might you might have sex with someone's thrussy um which really means that they're giving you neck you know they're giving you brain they're giving you head um they're sucking your dick um so that's what thrussy is and of course yeah the

queer community has to stop language should be taken away from queer people, I think. Yeah. So what someone posted was they want to add Thrussey used in jest and delete Thrussey used sincerely. Oh, okay. Well, I would delete both. I would absolutely delete both. This person says, delete the Pope shaming people for not having kids. The Pope should be shaming us for a lot of stuff. Yeah, that's the Catholic Church's role.

And in terms of bringing back this or that. That's his job. I think the Pope would love to see this or that. Really good combining of worlds. That was really powerful. That was the third beat, if I may. Well, that's the kind of creativity you have to have when you're on a 30-second delay with the person you're recording a podcast with. You have to be able to tie up loose ends in such a way. And again, this comes back to the level at which we are podcasting right is so far beyond our peers and contemporaries

and i think that was a good example of it shelby someone said delete acapella singing that is too earnest and i have to say disagree that is one of the funniest things that exists. It is one of the fun. There is nothing funnier than Pentatonix. You know, I unironically love Pentatonix. They have some fucking bangers. Their hallelujah is so good. It's insane. Of course they do.

They're so talented. It is objectively funny. The talent sort of falls by the wayside by just how funny it is to be doing acapella. This person said delete Kayla being a bully to Shelby. What are you guys talking about? Shelby gives as good as she gets. There are like three people that are big fans of ours. Yeah, I know. That's right.

I give as good as I get. I know that's right. I don't understand these three people who keep trying to push this narrative. I will bully you motherfuckers. I'm going to at you. I'm going to at you on the story. I'm going to out you. Stop. Can I say, I think the Pope's job is to shame people period and the pope's job also is to keep catholicism alive and if we don't have kids that dies out right

yeah and you're catholic so i think that we should listen to you on this deeply you're deeply catholic yeah i know the rules i actually i actually had a crazy weekend with the pope in uh tucson say more we went to a gay bar and he was dancing with me we went together and he was like i'm not gay but i don't mind going it'll be fun and i was like okay well you are gonna get hit on so let me show uncomfortable at all and he was like no no it's fine and he wore plain clothes he didn't wear the stuff um but he yeah he danced with me we we you know we um we did a little bit of coke not too much but just enough so you feel right and yeah we rode uh scooters we rode scooters home and it was really fun we didn't do anything but there was like a it was we could attention yeah

yeah yeah we slept in the same bed sounds like nothing happened platonically well not platonically but but without action yeah we slept in the same bed and there was definitely some like you know like big like there was something like big like he would like yawn really big and like his arm would end up on my chest or something. And I was like, now we're going to hook up. But I just got too scared to, to make the move. And I think he was shy. So. Yeah. Well, I think, and just to give yourself a little credit, I think it's really intimidating to know, know that that's who it is next to you in a way. Yeah. And he also is a bottom. So I don't know.

Sometimes bottoms are a little more apprehensive their first time. So it's hard. It's hard for people who are just coming out as bottoms. The Pope is a bottom. That makes sense to me, the Pope being a bottom. It would actually shock me for him to be anything else anything else it would shock of all the other options it would shock me if it's anything but a bottom um someone said they wanted to add the denver international airport conspiracies and i do forget some of the details of that, but I remember when I first read about it,

I was like, damn, that's crazy. Do you know about any of that? No. What is this? So hold on. There's like a whole thing about it. Beep, beep, beep. We are cutting this part where i google it yeah yeah oh or we're not because it sounded so good oh i think we can oh that was the bullying thing wait that was the

bullying okay wait wait first of all on the fly denver website they have something about their conspiracies on there but it's like like trying to like miss myth bust them which to me makes it seem more realistic that they're real do you know what i mean um yeah for them to be like we heard and we gotta do we gotta do some damage control yeah why is denver airport addressing the haters i don't like that yeah denver airport keep your mouth shut um they believe like there's stuff about like secret societies and underground bunkers and like tunnels and stuff they're like is a tunnel under the airport i guess someone like found in like the ground plants i don't know all the details of it but what i do know is this

there's something funky going on with the denver airport and denver airport said look away not us look elsewhere please, please, anywhere else. Somebody said, delete when you find out via Instagram story that your crush is in a new relationship. Fuck. I really felt that. That's really deep. Yeah, that hurts in a big way.

Because you can just find out that your crush is in a new relationship from Instagram stories. Did I tell you something funny about this Denver airport post? Yeah, I wish you would. One of the conspiracies is just because they do like a headline and then what the conspiracy is and the reality. So the headline of this one is Denver gargoyles are sinister.

Conspiracy. The gargoyles are sinister conspiracy the gargoyles are evil and point to all indications of a new world order reality the gargoyles at denver love our passengers please please no no no who okay hold on a second Gargoyles are domesticated in a lot of countries. Now, hold on. We love the gargoyles. The gargoyles are familia. It's genuinely funny to me that they would just be like, no, hold on a second.

They like the travelers. Right. Again, why are we playing child's games with this? Why is Denver Airport getting involved with the the trolls it doesn't make any sense this one is mustang a beautiful statue is cursed and then the reality says he's big he blue, he's a sculpture. Folks, have you ever seen something big and blue be cursed? Get a fucking grip. It's a sculpture, babe.

In your dreams. In your dreams is he cursed. It's a sculpture, and you can take that home to mama. You can take that. He's big, he's blue, he's a sculpture, and you can take that home to mama you can take that he's big he's blue he's a sculpture and you can take that home to mama no no i was talking about something that was big blue and a sculpture the other day you know who else was big blue sculpture jesus christ jesus christ someone someone said deleting when you sleep in your airpods and you get a scab in your ear um what is that happening what's going on my ears don't scab for that i will say if they were to have changed that if i may suggest an edit to and your ears feel a little sore i'd be like absolutely for sure anytime i wear earbuds

what's happening between your ear and the airpod in the night scab i don't know you gotta get one of those snore apps i don't know about scab baby girl wait to this ad celeb instagram post from the first month of covid correct yeah they were acting up they didn't know what to do they couldn't go to events there was something so funny about someone being like having to spend time here and like feeling feeling like one of you all and it was like them in a gorgeous garden bigger than i could ever imagine right they're like they're like posting and they're like we're all going through it right now and they're sitting in like their 13 million dollar home it was like them in a gorgeous garden bigger than I could ever imagine. Right. They're like, they're like posting and they're like, Oh,

we're all going through it right now. And they're sitting in like their $13 million home. It's like, you're not going through much, babe. You're doing fine. Their garden that will sustain them with food for the rest of their life that they don't maintain.

They're like tough to get into a grocery store. Huh? It's like, you don't need one. Shut up. Um, deleting baby onesies with sex jokes on them and this is i want to delete all baby memorabilia that's like weirdly sexualizes the kid being like do you know what i'm talking about the ones that'll be like ladies man and you're

like oh yeah i mean what is that what is that my baby's gonna fuck it's like what do you do like what are you talking about and why and also um in that same vein there's like the ones that'll be like daddy's little accident and it's like why are we putting the kid in that onesie? Newsflash, your kid's gay. First of all. First of all. Daddy's little lady killer. Get a grip. Your kid's gay.

I can tell by looking at its hair. They always have the softest hair. All babies are gay. They might cosplay as straight people later in life, but all babies are gay. What am I thinking of?'s um a baby hold on okay not once again me sounding gorgeous t wasn't it tn tn had a song on main stage about your baby being gay really tn tran i know t i know the tn you're talking about i did i've never heard this song i don't know if i saw her main stage oh never mind ignore that ignore that please please let me take that back i would do anything to take that back this is something i do have to disagree with

delete yelp restaurant reviews incorrect no they. No, they help so much. They help so much. And when they don't help, they're hilarious. And when people provide pictures, that's actually really powerful. When people are like, have the buffalo chicken tenders picture. And then it's like a picture of them. It's like, now I know what they look like. That's really helpful.

Also, you, I wouldn't call, I would call you a lightly picky eater, not a particularly picky eater. But you do have, if you have a favorite type of food you specifically will be like i want it to be breaded this way i want it to be sauced this way like yeah you have an in your head of what you would want to order if you're gonna get it so it's like yeah if you could see it and know that you're not gonna be disappointed by having like what you thought was to be one of your favorite foods. And it's like, not that. No, I need to know. I also will say someone said,

add the feeling of getting into bed with just washed and still warm sheets. That happened to me a couple of nights ago and I was so moved by it. I just really, really wanted to post online about how nice of a time I was having. And then I remember that's the most fucking boring thing imaginable. And I didn't, but I really felt constrained in that moment. Like I was being mean to myself remember that's the most fucking boring thing imaginable um and I didn't but I really felt constrained in that moment like I was being mean to myself that I couldn't post that I just was feeling cozy it would have been cute it would have been so cute being earnest

me just being earnest that would have been a really cute pose um add getting surprised mail from a friend correct getting a letter in the mail hits it hits different a text could never a call could never a facetime could never most things could never it's just because it's because it's old-fashioned and you don't see it coming i started following an account on instagram recently that was old letters from the past and it's really interesting how so speak on that shelby one of the most boring things i've ever said it's just interesting um um let me find it letters of note and it's history's most fascinating lever letters and it's like they just transcribe them but it'll be like like today they posted one that was a letter

to boris johnson's father from mart Hammond. And it was him being like, there's something wrong with this guy. And it's like, yeah. And that was in 1982. I love that. Oh, what is that? What is that thing? I love the diary. Whose diary was it that said, like, there was some guy who had a diary that wrote a long time ago and it was like viral for a little bit. And it was like, went to a party this evening fell in love uh got too drunk bought a horse which i don't need you know do you know what i'm talking about i don't but i love it i'm gonna find the exact one real quick okay tolstoy january 25th 1851 leo tolstoy wrote in his journal i've fallen in love or imagined that i have went to a party and lost my head bought a horse which i don't need at all

to buy a horse which you don't need at all is so iconic yeah the also like gotta be hard to acquire one i've never fallen into a situation where i could accidentally wake up with a horse yeah and also to fall in love or at least think you have and then buy a horse you don't need it's all very adding up to me the math is all there yeah there's so many fun notes on this little thing i think people should watch it. Read it. Look at it. Whatever. What else did people put on the records? I got to say, our friend Lou released a song today.

I'll add it to the records. Why not? Did you listen to it? It's so good. I did. It's so good. Lou is so good. Lou is so good. I would add it to the records, guys.

Go stream it. Go stream it go stream it right now stream all of our friends music and actually support all of our friends in all their endeavors we were really we're really generous like that we're not scared to say that kind of stuff we will give them their free clout for those girls those girlies can have their freak out because they're the girlies um caleb we're coming to the end of our little time here do you want to tell people what they can um what what's coming down the pipeline for the old the old little freaks thank you so much little freaks we have got an exciting new era of keeping records for you this is this is a this is a again a level of podcasting that so many people will attempt and

so few will achieve and what you guys are going to see in the coming months is video you're going to see uh we're going to be putting out video you're going to see iconic guests which we've already been doing but we're going to do even more of that and you're going to see what you're really going to see I think is Shelby and I making sense of the world for you on your behalf that we're trying to do more of that. We really want you guys to understand because a lot of the podcast is, Oh, it's gay jokes.

It's, it's, you know, it's, it's sloppy game mess thrown into a trough for the little freaks. But what we want to do more of is making sense of the world for you guys. So, you know,

tell us what you're going through. Send us your problems. Send us what you're thinking about the movies. You love the songs you hate. Um, because we're really going to try to do an even better job if possible. And it might not be, but we're really going to try to do more sense making for you guys because the

world has so little sense right now isn't that right shelb exactly in this crazy little mixed up world we're gonna put a little bit of peace exactly and you can take that to mama to mama's house you can take that home to mama that's what it is yeah and you can and you can take that home to mama that's what it is yeah and you can and you can take that home to mama home to mama oh my god there's something funny about saying it with absolutely no attitude and you can take that home to take that home to mama and you can take that home it's like it's like you're yeah it's on a list of things you can do yeah and then after if you could just grab that stuff for me and then you can take that home to mama oh shit i forgot to take that home to mama oh

fuck hey if if anybody has time guys listen up really quick one two three guys on me if anybody has time this week could you guys take this home to mama please thank you guys god it's it's i i've been meaning to do this for weeks and it keeps falling off my leg. It keeps, you know, it's the last thing on my list every day. So if anyone else could maybe take this on and take this home to mama, that would be really. Oh, my God. Shelby, I got to go. I got to get out of here.

I got to get out of here. I love you. OK, wait. Last thing for the freaks. Spotify lets you rate this podcast now so give it five stars for the christ's sake and and don't forget to leave us apple reviews because we read those suckers we really read them and we really like them and we text them to each other so if you want to be a part of this little friendship go ahead and send us something to send to each other we run out of

things to say we need your reviews to talk to each other please review the podcast shelby and i have nothing left to talk about our friendship is on e okay because i bully shelby too much please i'm begging please i'm begging i want caleb in my life forever and ideally but until we get more reviews it seems like maybe it'll fall on the wayside we have nothing to talk about if you guys don't review the pod head comes threatening us head comes threatening us by the way you should see the package showed up at my door you should see the package showed up at my door they said if we don't get more apple reviews that specifically say caleb and shelby are hot and have sexy chemistry they said we have to have sexy chemistry if you guys don't get more Apple reviews that specifically say Caleb and Shelby are hot and have sexy chemistry. They said we have to have sexy chemistry.

If you guys don't say that, they said that they're not going to cancel us. They're just going to be really cold to us. Yeah. Weirdly, they just sent me a thumbs down sticker in the mail. That's what they said. That's sick. That's a different level. And you're thinking, couldn't it have been a thumbs up?

Could you have not just pulled it upside down? No. They said there was a letter that said this is thumbs down. It was designed in such a way. Right. Okay, love you, Shelby. Bye. Love you, Kayla.

Bye. Love you, Shelby. Bye. Love you, Kayla. Bye. Shelby. Yeah? Love you.

Bye. That was a Hiddem Original. Kayla, bye. Shabby. Yeah? Love you, bye. That was a Hiddem original.