Keeping Records - Human Life Is Not Beautiful (with Dan Sheehan)

Episode Date: August 27, 2021

Caleb and Shelby have been ousted from their home and must seek refuge in the Headgum office. Joining them via conference call from his landline is writer and comedian Dan Sheehan, who spontaneously generates a list of artifacts to put on his Golden Record. He'll introduce the aliens to the Mediterranean diet and local area network gaming. He'll give them the perfect entrance/invasion music. He'll show them majestic, decorated domesticated animals. And most generous of all? He'll help the aliens understand the the relief of being let off the hook. Dan's Artifacts Italian food (food) Being informed that no one is angry at you (multisensory experience) "Sirius," The Alan Parsons Project (audio) Photos of animals that have won contests (photograph) LAN parties (multisensory experience) Original Voyager Artifact Birth, Wayne Miller (photograph) Follow Dan on Twitter @ItsDanSheehan and @SICKOFWOLVES, support him on Patreon and buy his novel I Am Not a Wolf wherever you get books! -- Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this Voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. What's up, you freak-o? Hey, Caleb, where are you in the world? Oh, thank you so much for asking. I'm in Los Angeles, California.

I moved here to pursue my dreams. What about you, girl? Wait, me too. Oh my God, really? You live in LA? Yeah, I moved here like last June. What neighborhood are you in? Boyle Heights.

Huh. What's up? I'm in Beverly Hills. No, you're not. You live with me me interesting um well what how is your life what's going on with you well as you know I've been displaced yeah we've both been displaced from our shared home yeah but specifically my room is sort of the danger zone our keep keeping records heads we want to let you know something and we know you guys are avid fans of the home. You love to hear updates on our home, our landlord, um, by all, by all, it seems that he bought this house, uh, to have us pay the mortgage on and then never got

it inspected. Didn't talk to anyone and just had us move in a day later. And so we've had inspections from the city and him sort of consistently oh yeah well once or twice uh every couple weeks so that's been really fun and we've enjoyed that because we love him we love his handyman and we love the city inspector and he will he will email or text us and say hey you guys need to be home at uh 9 a.m on tuesday to let somebody in and we say no wait a minute We don't work for you, sir. In fact, we pay your bills. And you don't get to tell us what to do.

He'll say, I'm going to need to park in your driveway. So the parking spot you pay for will need to be vacant. And we're like, what's up? I can't believe it. The audacity. No, baby, that's not going to happen. Anyway, I guess the city came by the other day and let our landlord wasn't there but he let his right hand man his henchman know that they were gonna have to knock down a wall

in my bedroom to build a door to uh where we normally used to record the podcast so we have people staying there and now they're displaced and i can't i usually stay in my room and i can't stay there and there's just a guy really angry italian man who just keeps walking through the house at the crack of dawn he gets in about 7 a.m and he is and that's the time that work has to start by the way you can't you can't be building doors at 9 or even 10 a.m. It does have to start at sort of 7 a.m. Yeah, and he does need you

to rearrange your cars at that hour as well. So it's been sort of a journey. Woke up this morning to the loudest banging on my wall I've ever heard. You know what I have to respect, though, about the construction

is he also... We were told by our landlord that we needed to vacate our driveway. We have a neighborhood that does not have good street parking um we need to vacate our driveway because his truck needs to be pulled up to the house he came to the house today folks asked me what he got out of the truck one toolbox he did not need to be pulled up at all it makes no sense he kept saying all the things he's gonna need in that truck he'll scratch your cars he's gonna

break down your windows pull that one what's up size of a lunch pail looks like look like those little lunch pails the guys uh sitting on the steel beam in the sky have from that famous picture smallest thing you've ever seen maybe one wrench in there and now he has our driveway yeah and he wears a tank top and he has braces And he's not, I don't find him attractive. So at the end of the day. He does have a good body. Can we agree on that? What did you say?

He has a good body. You guys, I am so excited for our guest today. I absolutely cannot wait to change the subject. Our guest today is the co-creator

of the live show We Still Like You. He's the author of the new book, I'm Not a Wolf, which was just named one of Vulture's best comedy books of 2021. Guys, put your paws and fins and hands together for our dear friend, Dan Sheehan. Hello. Hey. Dan, hi.

I am also going through terrible landlord stuff, so I feel for you guys. Thank you. You're the landlord in your story, though, correct? I am a landlord of 100 beautiful properties that I've never visited. I'm told they're great. Gorgeous tenants. Each like babies to me. Everyone is a little child.

Each one a different son I've never met. I think my landlord didn't know what landlords were before he bought the property. I think he just thought that it was like somebody who was really stoked to give you money in exchange for having a house. And so every time I call him about something, he acts like I have just ruined his day, if not his week. He's just like, listen, man, the flushing knob of our toilet broke, which is what I would call a critical, like a critical problem needs to be fixed. Yeah. It's cause you gotta be able to flush the toilet. And so I called him, I sent him a text. He didn't answer. So I texted him again and he calls me up and he's like, I wasn't ignoring your texts, man. Uh, I just get hundreds of calls a day. did he sound stressed out that's so funny immediately off the bat immediately stressed out like it seemed like it was just like he was so upset by the entire just the fact that i was

calling it all and i was like well i have one toilet and this is the problem with it i love that it's so funny to imagine him buying the building and being like man being a landlord no responsibility just vibes and then you're calling and then you and everyone else are calling about something every day yeah because it's an old building so there's always stuff something i like about our landlord is that um one absolutely thinks caleb and i are married and two um or at least casually fucking. And casually enough to sign a lease together. And two, refuses to put me on emails. Will only email Caleb, the man of the house.

It really is something, isn't it? And Caleb will add me on the response. Be like, adding Shelby. And then he will respond again without me on the email. Like, he'll take me off. He really only wants to talk to me which is crazy because you're actually more responsive than I am yeah well then he will talk to me only if what he's asking for is so unreasonable that he thinks a woman won't step to him which is something I find iconic I was sending Caleb screenshots of the conversation the other day

and was like, well, I'm mad. And he was like, he's not really sending me this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He talks, when our landlord, damn, when our landlord talks to me, he'll be like, yeah, we might have to swing through and do something. I'll let you know.

And then he talks to Shelby and he's like, you need to be at the house at 8 a.m. We are deconstructing the roof. You're gonna have to pay for it. Like he talks to Shelby so different. And I will say i hate to say this about a man because i feel like men are so under attack right now societally it's giving a little bit of sexism it's giving a tiny bit of sexism slightly sexist vibes are in

the air minute sexism and we don't like to see it caleb answer right now on the pod live yeah do you think that if he knew we were both queer, he would have rented us the apartment? I think he has to know that I'm queer. Really? Before he signed the lease? He thought we were dating. Did he?

Yeah. I thought that was just the energy he was giving us. Did he come out and say it? I think so. And today said your boyfriend did something. Something, something. Damn. That sucks for me.

Dan, we, the three of us have, well, maybe a lot in common, but at least one big thing, which is that you moved from Chicago to LA. You were a Chicago comedy guy. I was, yeah. I believe you lived at Bittersweet at one point, didn't you? I believe I lived in the same apartment that you did just after you, correct? Yeah, yeah. Because you and Caleb Doyle, um, it was, yeah, a bunch of, uh, old like Missouri pals. Um, yeah, we like, we lived in the same apartment for a little bit. So yeah, I lived in Chicago for

like five years before I moved to LA and then I was like born and raised, uh, like just outside the city. How did, how did you feel about, um, the Chicago to LA move and how are you liking la i like la a lot um i mean obviously there's the weather factor i feel like for every midwest person is like the big one where you're just like oh it's great i can go outside like especially as i i tend to run warm so like the fact that december is now my favorite time of year is just great where it's like oh it's like you know 70s and like breezy it's nice like summer's my new winter where i'm like all right i've got to hide indoors for you know august september and october and then i reveal myself in the fall um i really like it though reveal reveal myself

i expose myself to unsuspecting strangers like a caterpillar from his cocoon become a butterfly i expose myself on the streets of LA. It's November. It's time to expose myself once again. I like it a lot, though. It's very different than Chicago. I think one of the things I miss the most is just how concentrated Chicago feels. I feel like I saw my friends all the time.

And out here, I have friends in the Valley. I live in Los Feliz. I have friends out on the West Side. Oh, my i have friends in the valley i have i live in los filas i have friends like you know out on the west side and it's like oh my god lives in los filas brag we moved in on uh on march 17th of 2020 so we did not really get to experience the neighborhood uh as much as one would hope but it was i't know. I went for lots of weird little walks in the neighborhood. So I was glad I guess for that. Um, but yeah, so it's like, I, I miss like feeling like I could just like bike over to a friend's place or something like that relatively easily. Part of the reason I was excited to move to LA was that I knew I would buy a car again and be driving, but I kind

of missed the train and the bus. There's something very communal about, you know, even though now it is a life or death situation. There's just something very communal about being squeezed into buses and trains with strangers. A little tiny tube. Yeah. A little tiny tube. Being in the tube, but also like knowing that it's going to get you to where you want to go like i i do i i liked that pretty much anywhere you wanted to go in chicago there was a bus or train or combo that could get you there in about 30 to 40 minutes like yeah and out here obviously it's like it's a way bigger sprawl so it makes sense that that's

not like an option with every single pair of destinations um but yeah having having a car sometimes is a bummer just because driving can be a lot everyone's very aggressive out here and i have not inherited that uh aspect of los angeles yet i don't have like the the evil in me that you need to drive in these highways where you're just like like you just slam in front of somebody like with an inch of space and be like that's for me no more turn signal like i gotta get over three lanes. I forgot about my exit. Just like all that. I, I'm, I was a big walking around guy in Chicago and I am here as well. And here I've noticed that like, uh york make uh that they will move to la and be like oh it's only a 15 minute walk and then they end up walking on like the 101 yeah but yeah why you can't why something's a 20 minute walk here it's almost certainly like the 20 minutes is countering in it's factoring in like a highway drive they're like you swim in the ocean no swim

swim okay walk to santa monica it's a little triathlon babe do a little try i yesterday was in the car with our friend gabby who's staying with us and i also frequently am in the car with lindsey and they both if they are switching lanes they will not turn on their turn signal until they think there is space for them to go whereas for me, you turn it on so that people make space for you. Yeah, it's the make space alarm. And both of them will go, both of them will sort of under their breath or to me go,

is anyone gonna let me in? And it's like, well, they don't know you want to. You have to put the one thing, there is one thing that you are able to do that says I wanna get there. That's where I'm going. And if you want them to do that says i want to get there that's where i'm going yeah and if you want them to help you you have to ask it blows my mind shelby saw me very successfully i was taking shelby to the airport a couple weeks ago and this this car next to us i had tried my

turn signal was on and i had like gotten ahead of them so they could see my turn signal trying to get over they cut me off they won't let me get over. Won't let me get over. I fall back with my window down and get like eye to eye with the car that keeps doing this to me, keeps not letting me over. And I just made a really sad face and said, can I, and I pointed and I said, can I get over? And this person who would not look at me before

and was being so mean to me happened to accidentally catch my eye and was like, yeah, go ahead. And then they let me over. And it was a real win for humanity, I thought. Yeah, I was gonna say, you forced them to confront your humanity for like a brief moment i was like i'm a person let me over god damn it that was when caleb accidentally took me to the arrivals instead of the departures but

ultimately was doing a nice thing so we couldn't get mad sure it was that was also that was also the um taking a friend to la trip uh the last one i'll ever do because i uh i can't do it anymore it we sat in traffic for so long. It took me an hour to get home. I'm no longer picking people up or dropping people off at LAX. And me, I'm offering point blank. People are like, hey, I'm flying here. I'm like, word, need a ride.

The airport drive is scary now. And I'm not sure if it's just that I didn't do it for a while or if I have just become weaker or what. But it is terrifying. It is because, yeah, it's like a full you're either stuck in traffic or if I have just become weaker or what, but it is terrifying. It is, because yeah, it's like a full, you're either stuck in traffic or everyone is just like, because in the airport,

everyone's kind of like the most aggressive version of themselves. It's like that kind of carries over to driving in and around the airport. Yeah. It's just so many like almost accidents with people and I just, yeah, it is too much. For me me the airport arrivals and departures both are the most romantic place on earth you know that's true I've heard

that and I even with a friend I want that brief moment of intimacy it's like there's planes are I'm not afraid of flying but planes are scary like I there's planes are, I'm not afraid of flying, but planes are scary. Like there's nothing. Every time anyone gets on a plane, it's like you want to say safe flight because you don't know you're flying through the air. Who the fuck knows what's happening? There's something nice about being able to be like, hey, I got you here to the first stop. Hey, and I want to see you on the other side. Hey, speaking of flying through the air, Dan, I actually came up with a really specific and important question for you.

Weird transition. No, this is a good transition. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was wondering if we were going to make Golden Records new ones today, what would you put on yours? You know, this is actually the first time I'm thinking about this, but if I... Never never heard this never saw this coming out of nowhere wish i had been prepared

if i if i had to like just off the cuff say five things i don't know i'll pick the number five um if i had to off the cuff say five things i would put on a golden record i think the first one would probably be italian food Ooh, mama mia. Uh, mama mia. What if I, what if the rest of the episode I only talked in like a little bad Italian accent?

Would we love or hate that? I would love it. I think it's always fun to do. It's a give, it's a given golden record. Shelby. It's a given a lot of record. It's a very spicy record.

It's a very spicy record. Do Italian. I, you know, I've been really, I've really thought it was fun lately. Like Jaboukie and a couple of other internet people trying to like diversify the Italian ex. Have you guys seen this? People trying to make italians a protected class it's the great thing is is that there are people who like actually think it is like they're like

you know there's the old sopranos bit of like this is anti-italian discrimination or whatever yes right and yes like jabuki's bit of like just italianizing the spelling of his name and stuff. With the G-I-A-S. Giappucci. Giappucci. Giappucci. It's so funny. It's so funny. I don't know what it is about Italian culture.

And I'm Italian, so it's like, I feel like there's some tacit disappointment of my ancestors in saying this is hilarious, but I think it's so funny that there's so many people who are like, no, I am not white. I am a proud Italian. I am like, that's so insane. I don't understand it. What effect did Jersey Shore have on the Italian community? Do you think any strong week? None in, in so far as I saw, but like I was in suburban chicago i think like if you lived out in new jersey i think it

was like life ruining um yeah life ruining oh my god what what italians were you talking to out there i just feel like my well my mom always used to talk about how when the godfather came out like random dudes in her neighborhood started dressing nice um because they thought italian guys wore suits it's so funny for that movie to come out guys to start dressing nice and for the women in the neighborhood to be like this can't this can't happen this is horrible we wanted this but not like this like any other way not like this this can't be the reason you start wearing a nice shirt like because marlon brando like yelled at you guys it's i don't know why the entry to that is so funny to me but uh you saying that it probably

ruined lives and then giving the the the evidence that they dress they dress nicer it was a bloodbath yes there's carnage were showering. They were putting gel in their hair. That's so funny. Wait, Dan, what is your favorite? If you had to pick, and the good news is you don't. You can send all Italian food to the aliens. But what is your favorite Italian dish? I would say my favorite Italian dish is probably rigatoni bolognese.

Rigatoni bolognese. Yeah, it's right. You want to use the Italian. Rigatoni bolognese. You want to throw right. You just, you want to use the Italian. Rigatoni bolognese. Like you want to throw that. Bolognese. It's just too fun. What is that? Bolognese is like a red sauce, right?

Meat sauce. It's like a meat sauce. Yeah, there's like a, so it's one of the Italian things I've learned to cook over the years. There's this, Marcella Hazan has a bolognese recipe that takes like three hours, more if he got the time, that's just like a really good meat sauce that simmers like all afternoon long and it just it's so good um just one of my favorite foods that or or gnocchi i'm a big gnocchi fan just a little potato dumplings you put that in like a good pesto sauce or something like that what is is the, I put, the Trader Joe's

cauliflower gnocchi. I believe it's Trader Giacomo's when you're buying. Trader Giacomo's. No, I thought it was Giotti, right? Or Giotti, yeah.

Trader Giotti. Trader Giotti. I put that stuff in a pesto basil sauce once and that to me is probably the height of Italian cuisine. I don't know that anyone

I would say that it is. What's the best Italian appetizer? Oh yeah calamari does that count yeah i would say that counts um italian i mean honestly like just like a good caprese salad just like yeah tomatoes with some slices of mozzarella on top like a good balsamic vinegar and olive oil like that is or like an arancini what's that that's rice balls fried rice balls did i make that up yeah yeah and then there's the i feel like the like the antipasto platters they're like the big one just like a good like meats cheeses olives i love meats cheeses and olives italians did food in the way that I don't need any new things made with Italian food. Like people keep, I want it to be exactly, I want the way it's, the way it's always been. I would agree.

I feel like if I, if someone was like, there's a new incredible like restaurant that's open near you and they're doing these insane things with Italian cuisine, I would be like, no, thanks. I'm just going to go to another weird hole in the wall that has a good vat of sauce. Right? There's nothing that I'm interested in that's like... Italian fusion.

Italian fusion. I'm like, no, they hit it. They did it all right off the bat, and we don't need to fuck with it. You don't fuck with perfection. That is so true. You're so right that it really is, with Italian food, just the base.

Like sauce, meatballs, noodles, it really is the old stuff but you know what cuisine i think white people are getting way too comfortable uh giving the fusion treatment japanese thai thai asian food oh yeah white people are getting too comfortable being like this is thai fusion and it's like you can't just say that like you can't you can't do whatever you want to this cuisine i'll eat it it's good but i'm a little hesitant about it well there's also the the molecular gastronomy movement where people are like i made a little peanut butter and jelly but it's all in this little bubble it's like i really super don't need that to happen with italian food there's something about like even like sometimes japanese food like having like

something be a foam i'm like oh a lot of this is of the sea. Like I can get on board. I don't want it. I'd prefer just to have like fucking tofu teriyaki and call it a day. But like there is argument to be made that that like is in the same realm of sushi, which is like a hyper modern type food. You know what I mean? But like with Italian food, the idea that someone would be like, so this spaghetti but instead of noodles what i've done is there's a crumble and then above that there's a shattered glass sauce that's gonna taste like shards in your mouth but it'll

also have the flavor of like fuck that i want the oldest oldest italian ever to live yeah like in this single bean is the flavor of an entire chicken parmesan it's like just yeah you're like what are you doing i want the chicken parmesan i don't want a single bean i'm hungry yeah it's dinner time that's why you eat italian food is because you want to get sleepy full if you if you guys had to have a this is a question for uh dan and shelby you're both allowed to answer you're both allowed to have fun with it do not be scared to be a little out there a little crazy um if those those crazy last meals when people are on death row and they they ask for like you know like there are people who ask for like one olive with a fork and knife like the people who do the crazy shit yeah um what would your guys's like psychotic and off-putting

last meal request be so not my whole meal just like yeah it's like weird there are two types i think there in my head there are two types of last meal approaches when you um when you think about like your last meal the first is all your favorite things like the actual meal you would want yeah the second is i'm gonna say something fucking crazy so i go out with a story you know what i mean well also don't they have to don't they have to honor that and so some people will put like the craziest thing because they won't be able to find it immediately and like it extends a little bit i've heard that one time i do want to believe that but that also seems like an insane it would be insane if they were like oh we couldn't find the

truffle you asked for i guess we can't execute you that doesn't sound like our government but i guess in some ways also it does yeah i was gonna say in a lot of ways it doesn't because it's like a little bit of humanity but like the the nonsensicalness of it all yeah the like arbitrary adherence to like uh robert's rules of order kind of vibe is yeah that's there yeah it's like no he wanted this and we have to make that happen i think if my goal was like to upset the people watching me eat this meal and it is i think i would call back to an old childhood snack of mine that anytime i have told anyone about this uh they've gotten very upset i used to just eat pretzels and milk oh man yeah yeah

the the discomfort that just rolled over my body no i know i understand you were dipping no i wasn't it was just the idea the two of them to me as a boy tasted good as a young boy the pairing okay having them as a pairing isn't as troubling to me as the idea of like almost a pretzel cereal or um or like an oreo pretzel replacement yeah no it was just like the idea was you would just like it that the milk somehow accentuated the flavor of the pretzels. And for whatever reason, when I was like eight, nine, 10 years old, like I,

I was a huge fan of them. And I feel like seeing a man about to die, choose that would just, I, I don't think I, I think I would live on in the memory of those people for like a very long time. I think something pretty haunting to order on,

on death row is like a celebratory sheet cake. To be like, I want a congrats cake. A cake that says good job. A photo cake, but it's just a photo of one person who's watching it happen, chosen at random. Yes, yes, the witness. I want a sheet cake with a photo of the witness. Wait, what was it? Oh, well, okay, so mine.

I think if I wanted to upset, if my aim was to upset the way that Dan has described it, I think I would request a single shred of shredded cheese. I think that would be one of the most disturbing things to see someone eat as their last meal. Just one little curled up shred of cheese on a plate thick cut or thin cut like the stringy mexican cheese i think or like a thick cut cheddar i think it's more disturbing to see the thick cut because then you can actually like if it's then you won't really be able to see it i want people to see me going taking like a bunch of little bites of the smallest

pieces so you're not gonna like cut it up a little bit no i would take a bunch of little bites the way that you kind of used to chew a gum stick in real small bites maybe if you were – and then when I finished it, I would go, oh, God, I'm so full. And then I would be remembered forever that way. Do you think if you were to request ice for your last meal, you're like, I want ice, and you just let it melt every time, they'd have to bring you a new one because it wouldn't be ice anymore it would be water and then you could stay alive shelby you have some really interesting conceptions of what this rule is and means i don't think if you you think you're going to be able to like you view the you view the

last meal on death row as a sort of uh rumple stilt skins riddle situation everything is if you look at it right that is that is a fascinating point of view uh shelby what would your what would your scary last meal be i told you it's a sheet cake with uh the photo of the witness on it i don't think i heard you say that did you say that in this episode yes minutes ago i must have been researching i must have really been researching. Yeah, minutes ago I said, I want a congratulatory sheet cake with like a lot of like confetti and whatever.

And it has one of those photos on it. And it's just the person who's scheduled to watch my execution. Wow. You know what? I think that actually is a perfect time for us to take a break for ads. Wait, and I'm really excited for our ads this week.

Here we go. Welcome Bark. Dan, would you like to bark for us? Is that good? There we go. Thank you. That was really enthusiastic consent. And you were a really good sport about it,

and we have to thank you for that. Yeah, we got to stop asking people to do that our listeners love it though it's the only messages we we get hundreds of messages a day that say always make the guests bark please please please and then they sign it wolf wolf who let the dogs out it's weird we have a weird fan base but we love them we love it we love you girls dan dan dan dan dan dan dan noodles i was about to say that. Were you? Do people call you Dan, Dan Noodles ever?

It's more frequent than any other thing people call me. And it hurts my feelings, so don't do it again. Yeah, especially in LA because it's kind of a food that we'd be eating here a lot. We have a question for you. Mm-hmm. Don't leave it. um we have a question for you if you could delete one thing from the record of humanity and before you say anything too serious it doesn't have to be war or famine or homophobia yeah please don't make it homophobia we want that on the record um if you could delete anything from

the record what would you delete um i wrote this down before we even talked about it but honestly landlords wow yeah just like not like i'm fine like i'll pay my rent whatever but just the weird guy of it all it's gotta go yeah um and i don't want to go i don't want the aliens to know about it i don't want them to know that there's like a weird guy that i had to text for everything all the time um i don't want there to be any like record of just like of being like hey man like uh i need a working fridge and you, getting a text back that's like, cool, is like two weeks from now, okay? Or like, yeah, I don't want landlord memes. They have their own Facebook groups where they post memes about how people should tip them and stuff.

That's just landlord culture in general. Oh, have you guys not seen this? No. I've seen some Facebook groups where they like, especially at the beginning of the pandemic, there was a lot of like landlord Facebook group. Here are the legal ways you can force your tenants out if they don't. Yeah, that kind of stuff. So in the last like handful of years, landlords have like found Facebook and they love it. It's it's their favorite thing is to make little groups and share like landlord based memes.

And so they will just be memes of like that face when your tenant wants to like not be cold or something and it's just like it's just somebody you should write a piece on this you should write a piece on this and pitch it somewhere that's that's fascinating it boggles my mind it makes me so mad because they have no understanding of like what their like purpose is and like they literally just think that like tenants are a thing that gets in the way of like your hustle income or whatever and they're just constantly your grind residuals yeah they're acting like landlords are like this aggrieved class of people where it's like people just like don't know what we do for them my tenants don't understand that like when something breaks in

their house and they need like a weird guy to come by and make it worse. Like I call that weird guy and he is my cousin. Like it's. And he does not do the job right. And I do not pay him well either. Our landlord's weird guy seems to hate our landlord. And for that, I do actually. Yeah, he does.

He does talk a little bit of shit, which we which makes me feel better. I think, Dan, you might change your tune on landlords if i become one in the next couple years um because i think i would really elevate the profession and it's a job by the way and and i think maybe you would i think i could win you over because you know having an income property as a side hustle can actually in many ways could be uh leftist yeah if we if we worked at it. I think it's possibly one of the boldest things you can do right now is to buy a property and rent it out. I think it takes both courage of mind, body, and spirit.

I think it's just like landlords do more than we know. And so I do believe you could win me over if you were, uh, if you became a landlord. And I wouldn't, if I'm, if my mortgage payment on my income property was, you know,

I wouldn't charge two, three, 400% markup. I would charge 75, a hundred percent market. You know, I would make a little bit more than my mortgage cause I'm not a psycho. You need some like fun money though.

Like it's, you know, as a property owner, like the stress of that, like can't really be quantified with dollars right and daddy needs alligator boots exactly that's what i'm always saying daddy needs out yuck just just a solemn stern yuck from shelby i was thinking about um what landlord, like, you know how we've attributed like the weakest, the weakest statements of like, like trans people exist or like. Black lives matter. Matter. Or like, like you are here that it like what it would be for landlords when they finally do their uprising, which I'm sure is coming.

The landlord uprising is coming you think yeah well they're gonna call a bunch of their cousins to go do the uprising and like they'll do it really bad but by the second or third uprising they're really gonna have it close to how it was before the uprising started i think that's the prequel to the strangers yeah those are all just the landlord's friends yeah just wearing weird masks just being like hey yeah they said you gotta fuck with these people and then and then and then they were like when they said like when they ask why just say you say you were home yeah they weren't home we just had to go in fuck the strangers is the scariest movie it's a very scary movie i've never seen it it's really fucking

scary it really put me in a dark place it put me in a dark place it put me in a dark place for it to be evoked here invoked here wow it is the scariest movie ever shelby shelby you would shelby won't let dan shelby won't let me watch scary movies if she's in the house that's not true you watch them a lot with me in the house i just don't want to sit with you and watch it it's kind of like an out of sight, out of mind thing. I don't like being scared. I don't like being residually scared. I don't mind being scared during the movie.

That's fine. I can handle the jump scare, whatever. It's that it sticks with me for months. The strangers would not. You would never get over it. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. I don't want to have to get. I don't want to have to get,

I don't want to have to like, right now I have seen enough scary movies to have a hard time doing certain things in my day to day because I think about them. Every time I get in the shower, I think about The Ring and The Grudge. That's two movies I have to think about right then. I think the little girl's going to come out of my drain

and something's going to come in the back of my head while my hair's wet. Disgusting, terrifying. I have an easier time with the ones that like don't feel as grounded in reality like ones where it's like a weird monster or a ghost but when it's stuff like the strangers where it's just like some weird people have entered your home for reasons that are unclear it's like oh that they had a blood lost yeah it's like that canon does happen like that it's not jeepers creepers jeepers creepers and who gives a fuck? This freak isn't real.

I would kill that motherfucker. But real human beings with real guns coming to my real house to do real harm? Yeah. See, any of it, as long as it's in, if it's like, well, no, I still don't like to watch them if they're in the woods because I like to camp. It's that I will never recover. There are certain things that I will then have to think about all the time. And we watched The Rental. Now every time I go to an Airbnb, I think, God, it's just, it's possible, huh?

Yeah. And that sucks. I jump to my bed because in The Sixth Sense, there's a little girl under a bed. She's harmless. She doesn't do anything bad in the movie. She's completely fine, but she's there. And now I know that she's there, and now I don't like thinking that she's under my bed. I mean, that's fair. I think it's completely fine but she's there and now i know that she's there and now i can't i don't like thinking that she's under my bed i mean that's fair i think it's completely fair and it actually brings me to my next point which is dan what would you put on your records next

um i think the next thing i i would put on my records is uh the feeling of uh being reminded that no one is angry at you damn this really resonated this this this this hit home for us dan and i want you to know that in our household, we really felt this deep in our bones. There's no bigger fear than thinking that someone's mad at you, and there's no bigger release than finding out that they're not. Yeah, just like that anxious feeling of being like, either you're hungover or something, and you're like,, did I say something stupid? Or you're like, you know, you said something awkward in a conversation and you're hung up on it. But like nobody else thought about it. And just getting like that somebody being like, oh, no, I didn't think about it at all. You're just like suddenly released from that like anxiety about people being upset with you.

Just incredible feeling. Sex. That and when like when someone, Caleb knows, I went through this like a week ago with our friend Molly. Where I thought they were mad at me because they just like weren't interacting enthusiastically with me. Like I was texting them and they were like being slow to respond. Also, like they were sort of in the middle of sort of the biggest moment of their life to date.

So it made sense. But I was like, oh, they are furious with me. They're mad at me. And every text I sent, they didn't know I thought that. So they were being completely normal and sort of responding slowly and with sort of whatever and then suddenly they like end a message with a period or something and you're just like oh no it's over like and then i i literally sent a voice memo and was like i'm gonna go ahead and need you to spell it out for me babe what did i do yeah what have we when how can i write the wrong i want to be

good with you if that's and they were like i couldn't be less mad at you can't imagine what i would be mad for and it was the most relief i've felt in years it's incredible and then when you say what you think they were mad at out loud it's usually like oh because i had talked and it just like all kind of like falls apart in front of you you're just like oh I'm free it like it's turning to dust the more I think about it it's just great it's a top-notch feeling mine I landed on we had made loose plans to at some point at no clarified date go to lunch and we never did and I was like they're pissed they never texted me to go. You didn't text them. We just sort of said it loosely.

One of the nice things about sending this feeling to aliens is it showcases an important part of the human experience, which is people can be mad at you. It would make you feel bad if other creatures were mad at you. It feels good to not have them upset with you. I think it's a nice thing for aliens to understand. You should behave in a way that if they understood this feeling as normal, then I think it would also normalize for them the concern that you've upset other people, which is in a healthy amount, a really good thing to have in the world. It's healthy to worry that you've hurt people or upset people. There's a lot of different social dynamics in play play with that feeling and i feel like if you're an alien who's never learned anything about us before and you experience that you're getting like a concentrated dose of of humanity uh just yeah in that single second feeling of like yeah like you know like fear fear of anger so then you know what anger it's just yeah it's it's all all the all the good stuff and it just feels really nice to like be released from it and it's very human from it's

very human uh intrinsically like fundamentally there's you know there's that um that like famous study they did with babies where like you know people would like smile at the baby and like talk to the baby and the baby would be really happy and then if you not if you weren't even if you just started ignoring the baby like not even being mean to the baby if you just were a kind of blank face to it it would just start they would start crying yeah because it thinks that like it it's a human thing to be like why are you not giving me what you used to give me what happened what have i done why are your why are your texts not as emphatic as they used to be or whatever your brain just starts to go haywire and is like this this creature this

person no longer um i think the medical term is fucks with me yeah and it's scary it's very scary and to like to have a scary thing be you know rendered not real is just a great feeling in general so good and then my uh my next one was uh Yeah, this one is, uh, so it's serious by the Alan Parsons project, which might sound unfamiliar at first, but it's like, it's the like sports song. And like, it's so if, if you were like a kid in the nineties, when Michael Jordan was at the height of his game, this is the song the Bulls walk up to. It is impossible to really imitate with your voice, but I'm going to try. It's like...

It's that song that ramps up, and then the perfect moment just goes... And it's the perfect... The reason I wanted aliens to see it, because I could just include one of my favorite songs, and they'd be like, cool, one guy's favorite song. We learned a lot we know Dan and thank god we know Dan and that's all we need to know um and so like to me this is like a song that has been

perfectly paired with its use where it's like this is like this song was meant to be like a get everybody hyped up for the big event song uh there's like an old video of the intro of like a 90s Bulls game, like in the finals. And they're all like, it's this old like CG intro of a bull running through Chicago. And the announcer's like calling out the players' names. And everyone's just going nuts. And it's like, I'm not even that big of a basketball fan. And sometimes I'll just watch it and be like, hell yeah. Ladies and gentlemen.

Exactly. Derek Rose. fan and sometimes i'll just watch it and be like hell yeah ladies and gentlemen exactly derrick this makes me want to accomplish something right it's no matter what you do if you play this song when you're winding up to do it you're gonna feel awesome yeah that's how it makes me want to uh fucking be really good at something it makes me want to fucking be really good at something. It makes me want to be an athlete. Pretty much, that's it. It makes me want to fight somebody or something. Yeah, it's that type of song. And I just think if aliens heard that, they might be really amped up to meet us. I think if they played that as they were entering the atmosphere, just being like, all right.

I don't know. If they're there to kill us, maybe then it's not best to get them really in the mood for whatever they're about to do but if they came to kill us i assume they're capable of it and we'll do it anyway so we may as well hype them up and let them get it done quick and efficient yeah in a way it's like going out on our terms too to be like yeah you're gonna kill us but you're gonna do it to michael jordan's walk-up song like right it's so funny it's so funny to hype up your killer like someone's someone's coming to kill you and you're like oh he's starting he's fucking going off okay stab me bitch he's in the zone dude let's go slit my throat i love to see it king yes bitch yes bitch kill me literally and me spit in my mouth first um piss on me piss on me piss on me

this is a bad podcast i with bad singers um no whoa hey i had to say it because it makes the audience feel a little bit more uh close to us when we say we're bad we both know we're good cool okay yeah no worries um all right dan we have to show you an image that was what i was gonna say to be honest okay what's Let me get a look at this thing. So this is an image by Wayne Miller. Okay. Oh, wow. Ugh.

Ugh. My God. I had seen the thumbnail when you first sent it to me, but it is, yeah, there is more to this than I had. Wow. I want to vomit. Wow. So this is birth.

Birth. Wow, so this is birth. One of the items on the original records is an image titled Birth by Wayne Miller. The photo is of Wayne's son, David Baker Miller, being born. It was taken on September 19th, 1946. The baby is being held by one leg upside down. The way you might handle a wild animal that's gotten into your house that you've captured and are taking back outside. He's being delivered by a doctor and that doctor is the child's grandfather, Harold Wayne Miller. David was born on the 19th of September, which is the same day as Wayne.

There are two hands in the image that are disembodied. We don't know whose they are. The doctor is delivering the baby, the mother's on the table, and, well, the father's taking the photo. So whose hands could those be? Sources say it's likely a nurse. The photo was originally showed in an exhibit in 1955 called Family of Man.

Wayne was in the Navy, part of a five-man team that was assigned to capture photos of the Navy at war. The man who ran that team, Edward Steichen, was the same man who ran the Family of Man exhibition. Now, it's not nepotism, but it's adjacent. Most babies are born headfirst. However, about 4% are born feet or buttocks first,

which is known as breech. The baby in the image is not crying. He looks dead. We know that he's not, but he looks, well, he looks dead. In 2015, there were about 135 million births globally. Aliens looking at this image might think, we all have umbilical cords. I guess at some point, we all did, but we cut those and get rid of them. And seeing what I see, it's for good reason. In the United States before the 1950s, the husband would not be in the room when children were born.

It didn't matter if it was a home birth or a hospital birth, the husband would wait in another room. In 1522, a German physician was sentenced to death for sneaking into a delivery room dressed as a woman, which is technically drag, and we have to stand so this is birth um i can't oh my god i really can't look at it i really can't look at it anymore it's making me sick it's i don't like that we all start out like that um i think it should be different human life is not beautiful no it's anybody who says so is a crackpot fool. Weirdo. Yeah. That's disgusting. This baby is really skinny. Oh, thank you.

Thank you for saying that. It's like really been through it. The umbilical cord is like really just like kind of twirly twirly. And that's confusing to me. Everything about this baby is confusing. I like I've never really taken a good look at the umbilical cord and i like before this prided myself on that and like now that i know what the deal is i feel different about my belly button yeah yeah i don't like where it comes from this kid looks like they've been through hell like it's just like if

that's like a welcome the real question is what is the what is an alien receiving this thing like what are they probably kinship probably like oh yeah we i mean i imagine aliens can't be far from looking like this in their adult form yeah just you have such a bizarre idea of aliens what the fuck do you think they look like like oh that's our business man no we do not know i think they i think they're slimy i think they are really skinny i think they're tall i think they probably have more uh fingers and toes than us and i think they have big bulbous heads and i think they're probably green blue or purple why because think about it yeah yeah i'm thinking about it yeah i just that's how i feel that's how i feel i think

they got big chest little tiny rib cage yeah i think they probably have uh scales of some sort um what do you say show how many fingers we thinking i'm thinking low side i was thinking three three was what i hadn't i was thinking like like like okay i said 30 two big ones and like a thumb is like kind of what i was thinking like uh okay okay you're thinking 30 like each hand i was thinking 15 maybe 15 on each okay and then for toes maybe maybe 40 40 or 50 okay for balance i'm not prepared to speculate is that okay um no frankly i don't think that it is i think i think you need to be prepared to say yeah they're coming yeah they're coming and what do you think they look like i don't think they look anything like humans i

think comparing them to us is confusing because i don't think they will look anything humanoid well ultimately that's what the scientists say, and I'm just taking that as fact. I mean, they could be worms. I guess it's worth addressing that they could... Just be bacteria, which is the most likely outcome. Or like worms. God, if they're just bacteria, that's so boring. Bacteria and worms both bore me so much. If they come down here and

their bacteria are worms, I'm going to be pissed the hell off. Well, we wouldn't really know that they were here. We would just think it's like new earth bacteria that we're finding, right? No, I think we would know. If they were here we would just think it's like new earth bacteria that we're finding right no i think we would know if they were worms i think they'd say something studies yeah if they were worms they probably speak up well is it there like there's like a i guess i don't know if it's a conspiracy i guess it is that people think octopus are the original aliens that they're just like fully not of this world if that's true i feel like they really ended up in a bad spot for aliens like if you're aliens and you come across the galaxy and then all that just to like

land in the ocean and like live for a couple of years and get eaten yeah and like your big thing is that you squirt ink yeah i think the big thing is that they change colors they do not they banked way too much on their superpowers doing stuff for them. They change colors. Big time, babe. And textures. And they can slip through. You can get an octopus that's down to the size of a quarter.

It's Prank Caleb on the podcast day. Very funny. No, this is true. I'm going to send you some videos. Very funny. I'm going to send you some videos. I'm going to send you some videos. You guys texted beforehand and said, let's convince Caleb that octopus can be really small and shapeshift.

They can do a lot. My mom and I watched My Octopus Teacher or whatever when she was here. And I got to tell you, if you watch that, you'll see them kind of change colors. They regrow their arms. They gather up treasures. It is easier for a, I think I read this somewhere. I think it was the Atlantic. It is easier for.

He's about to be sexist. No. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into heaven. I think that was, I read that. I've read that somewhere. I hate it. I have heard that, but I've heard octopus. Go ahead, Dan.

Go ahead. I just feel like an octopus would go to heaven probably no matter what, just given the fact that they can fit through any sized opening. Okay. Well, you can't keep them in hell. Yeah. That's where they came from. That's right.

Yeah, they originated there. They already know how to get out, babe. So biblical hell is real, and that is where the octopus comes from, I think. And frankly, on that note, I feel like it's time to hear what's next on your records yeah what's next on my record i guess is kind of tangentially related to the octopus is photos of animals that have won contests wow uh in the email i put i put one in there um there's there's a there's a real solid cat that has just won a cat show. It is... To me, this type of image is just one of the funniest.

Because, like, why is there an animal contest to begin with? What does that say about it? I feel like if aliens knew where our, like, priorities lied, they would maybe understand more about us. If it's just like, okay like okay like cats are important to us and they have to look pretty they have to look pretty and if they are pretty enough they win a prize it really is insane that we have them compete i that we have animal that we do any of i mean you think about the amount of time i knew kids who did like uh for 4-h they did they

like trained their dogs to be blue ribbon winning dog show dogs. And it was so much time and money and effort. And it's like, for what? Excuse me, what is 4-H? 4-H is a rural organization. I mean, I guess it's not just rural. It's everywhere. But it's like you could do a leather making class.

It's about life and values and okay showing your dogs county fairs yeah yeah yeah i knew about 4-h i just had to let the listeners find out cool no worries yeah um and thank you for doing that uh yeah i think but it is it is fun though to see an animal It's like they're tiny little fake kings. Like they're on their little throne. It's so funny. And they have no idea. Yeah, they don't know.

They don't know if a trophy's cool. Right. But the one you sent us, the cat does seem to be really proud. Yeah. Like really, truly so proud. It does seem like this cat is aware that its life has just changed. Yeah. Which I think would be cool to it's just like a

cool moment to witness as a human i'd imagine as an alien it would be pretty moving and it's just it to me it's like one of the most like quintessentially human things to just like spend all this time focusing on something that's just like a big nothing um to just be like nothing where it's just like yeah the cat's pretty and you spent years teaching it to like run back and forth and like presumably aliens are like arriving to like the burned out remains of our civilization and this is like what they're finding or whatever and they're just like oh so at some point before the end they had a little cat beauty pageant um which is very funny to learn about possumously. And also for them to learn that there were human beings who didn't have food to eat and

a place to live. And then there were show animals that ate very expensive, specific diets and had special houses and were treated like kings. Like every show animal eats better than an old king would. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Insane. Ew. I think that's cool. Have you guys ever seen those um oh it makes

me sick to even think about it like people who make uh like people who have like german shepherds and stuff and have like a very specific like raw diet that they make for them themselves and they like i guess sometimes you'll see it on tiktok or instagram reels i have to tell you the funniest thing and people throw like raw chicken in a bowl and then they show their dog eating it. Yes. Go ahead, Shel. Yes. I had an old manager at my old job that did that for their dog. And there was a girl who worked at my company for a little bit who was like just mean and had bad vibes.

And someone found her blog. And on the blog, she had said like said like disclaimer I've changed name it was after she got fired and it was like disclaimer I've changed names in here from the original names but all she did was scramble everyone that worked at the company's name to be someone else and so I became my old manager who was making, it was like, Shelby is always telling you about this, like elaborate meals she makes for her dog. And I was like, I don't have a dog.

Like I don't have a dog. It's not me. Like I, it took, it's like one of those things where you read your name and you're like, okay, she's talking shit about me. And then you're like,

well, that's not me. It can't be. I don't have it. Like I don't do any of the things she's accusing me of, but she used my name. She probably thought she'd invented an unbreakable code where it's just like they'll never figure out who's it'll call it'll so it'll so so discontent i i one of the um last day jobs that i had in chicago uh it was a if i worked at

a failing advertising company with great people who i loved if any of you are listening i i love you really i miss you um good people, bad company, not doing well. And one day, one of the people who worked there left a Glassdoor review as a current employee shredding everyone at the office. And me and the people I was friends with in the office, when we saw this, I cannot tell you the day we had sneaking around whispering about who we thought it was,

what all they said, trying to like analyze the, the sentence structure compared to old emails from bot. I mean, it was such a fun day. I can't even begin to explain it. I love office drama. Getting to the bottom of like a piece of,

yeah, like office drama or like, like gossip of any kind is just so fun. Just being like, wait, who did this? We need to figure it out just so fun just being like wait who did this we need to figure it out like like being like okay so where were they at this time like what's the ip address like yeah it's like it's like everybody everybody hates the human resources manager she's bad at her job who writes sentences in this way it's like trying to figure out right it's a mystery

right well yeah we took it in and it was it was truly like playing detective with everyone being like like we were doing like anagrams being like okay so shelby obviously doesn't isn't the dog person shelby doesn't have a dog so who's shelby in this story like trying to like dance us around to figure out who's who and being like all right like stand next to your description okay so obviously the dog thing, no offense, that has to be you. No offense, you do have a weird dog that eats weird food. That eats a raw diet that you prepare for it. You do make better food for your dog than you make for yourself.

You would admit that. We're all admitting that. You talk about it a lot. It is annoying. That's you. So you stand there and at least we found out yours could be worse. And then it's like having to like walk around the rest of the office and be like, so who do you think you are yeah of this where do you see a little a little sliver of yourself on here who among us wears natural deodorant and doesn't know that

it's not working who could i'm not trying to point fingers but is it god it's one of you three huh right i thought you said is it gad like josh gad i was like why why bring look how he gets brought into it he used to work at my co-worker josh gad my co-worker josh gad who uses natural deodorant and shouldn't anymore um um i believe dan you have one more item i do have one more item this is a this is a niche one but i just feel like it is a very unique experience. The idea of a LAN party. It's been kind of gone for a long time because the internet exists more traditionally. But back when I was in high school and middle school, if you wanted to play games in the same room with your friends, you had to all bring a computer into the same room and connect to the same network and you could basically just sit and like all play the same game this is like before like multiplayer

gaming was where it is now so it's like if kids wanted to play a game together my friend would take his old desktop computer and put it into uh like a little crate and he would walk it across town to come sit at our house because he like couldn't get a ride. So he would just walk this old computer. I'm going to find a picture of this because the reason I included it. I've looked at some images and they are absolutely buck wild. They it feels like stepping into like a time machine.

It's just it's a very specific time and place like when technology was like just kind of barely bursting into our lives and some of the images it created are just incredible here i'm throwing one in our chat the one mike posted is so weird they came with the duct tape why do that you got counter-strike you got your warcraft 3 the frozen throne that was the that was the big one for me and my friends you play some dota or something like that when we were like dota yeah we were like 12 or 13 so it was like all very it was all very pure where it was just like a bunch of kids wanting to hang out and like you had a living room and not much you didn't have cars you didn't have money uh what you had was like your dad's old desktop computer that's been sitting in the basement so you'd haul it across

town and go play uh 11 hours of video games with your friends it is so endearing like just that picture you sent is like it's such an endearing like video games can be an independent sport you don't really need someone else there to be playing it so it's this idea of like hey i really like it's just like hey i really want to spend time with you doing the things we both love and it was if that's okay it's so funny to me because it's like it is more work than it is worth on paper right where you're like okay we're all gonna haul these like because computers were massive so it's like we're all gonna haul these giant computers like in our cars or we're gonna walk them and we're gonna like like put them on a living room, find power outlets for all of them, connect to like your parents bad 2004 Wi-Fi, have Internet problems for about an hour and a half. Finally, maybe play like one game and then someone's computer.

Well, it's just like it's chaos. But it was so much fun to do and just like all the like if you look at these old pictures it's just like those gross old like energy drinks and stuff everywhere it's just such a visceral throwback for me and i think being able to share that with the aliens would potentially cause them to spare me they go they go wait this guy fucking rocks we can't do anything to him this dude fucks yeah this dude fucks this dude this dude has been to a lot of land parties we gotta like bring him to where we are i haven't really thought the we're always trying to play games together they go we've always we can never figure it out it's the one thing what the heck are you oh my god you know these days people are always looking at their dang phones. Aliens think that too.

And so they. Aliens get to earth and they're immediately like, what is going on with the TikTok? They're like so mad at kids. They're so mom. They're like very much like mom of a 16 year old being like, okay, can we have dinner? Just have a little bit of FaceTime. No screens. No screens at the table.

Yeah, your screen time for the day is up. You watch your screen too much, you're going to go blind. I have glasses and I didn't have a screen for half my life. Okay, you're going to really ruin your eyes. Dan, my favorite thing to say to my friends when they're on their phone at dinner or something is to go, hey, there's a whole lot of life outside that little screen.

Outside of that little box. And people fucking hate it. It gets so mad at me. Well, because nobody is ever on their phone as much as Kayla does. a whole lot of life outside that little screen that little box and people fucking hate it i get so mad because nobody is ever on their phone as much as caleb but i put mine away for five seconds and i'm like hey why don't you look up every once in a while smell the roses if caleb is disinterested in a conversation with a hangout of four people he will pull out his phone and be like i won't interrupt i'll just or i'll leave actually scroll Yeah Sometimes I leave Which is nice of me Okay

I feel like that was Especially when people Were first getting phones If you were one of the last people To get a smartphone There would just be those moments Where someone would be like Uh

Hey could everyone like Just get off Just not Not And just Hey guys Please I'm just wondering if maybe

We could have a good time Instead of the phone. Hey guys, I'm noticing that the landscape of our lives is changing. Um, could it not? Could it not please? And not leave me behind at least if it's going to. Yeah.

Dan, uh, I think this is an incredible addition. I think aliens would love it. And I also think, uh, Hey, I'm going to speak freely.

Cause this is, you know, this is, I'm a host of this podcast and I get to, part of the contract is that I get to speak my mind. I think you've put together an incredible record. And I think the aliens would love you and would love us because of it. I actually think that too. Oh my gosh, thank you so much.

Shelby, please don't speak your mind. Your contract doesn't have. No, no, no. We negotiated it. We negotiated it into my contract. Dan, don't, please don't please don't don't please dan i thought this was between me caleb and your guys's landlord um yeah yeah yeah and you'll get a contract soon from our landlord he's involved cool um dan where can people buy your book where

can people find you please tell them everything yeah the book is called i am not a wolf it is about a wolf pretending to be a man trying to work a shitty office job. You can buy it wherever books are sold. It's on IndieBound. You can find it at a local shop near you. If you don't have a local shop near you, it's on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, all the big shops as well.

There's also a great audiobook version out there. If audiobooks are your thing, they found. Do you do it? Yeah, who did the audio? I did not do it. This great voice actor, Jay Austin, did it uh he uh just like joel austin joel joel olstein did the book and it's very cool it's a little bit of egg on my face now but uh but i just i really i fought for him and you know once you like you know are willing to die on a hill you gotta die on it um no good deed

goes unpunished um but yeah the audiobook is great jay did like a really incredible job with it it's he it just does like different uh like voices for all the characters it's a it's a really good time um and so you can find it either on audiobook on the big shops indie bound wherever you can find me on twitter at it's dan sheehan and yeah that's that that's my stuff thanks for being on dude oh yeah thank you for coming on yeah thank you so much for helping me uh shoot some cool stuff into space absolutely and we are going to do this we're going to physically shoot these out tonight so thank you for giving it to us oh incredible thank you so much yeah no worries we would invite you to the launch but um just the delta yeah the delta variant is yeah so it'll just be awesome like 200 other or 300 other people. Yeah. Yeah. All indoors. Part 15.

Okay. Hey, HeadGum Keeping Records heads. This has been Keeping Records with Caleb and Shelby. What's up? You guys get on over there. Oh, Shelby, they should review the podcast and tell a friend about it. Oh my God, guys. We're not trying to be like annoying about this, but review the podcast.

Tell your friends to listen. Every time you review them, we read them to each other and we just laugh and cry and smile and smile we love it mike loves them mike can't get enough of them mike loves them mike in the reviews for once jesus for once and you guys please tell your friends about the pod and also um you know message us tell us what things you want to include on your records and tell us what you guys are up to we love you record heads and we will make out with each of you in person eventually you're being so earnest right now it's alarming i thought it was to me the bit is that i was being earnest that to me that's funny but i guess i'm now i'm kind of scared it's coming now it's coming across like i'm just actually being sincere i guess that is

the importance of being earnest that's the importance of being earnest. That's the importance of being earnest. Okay, bye. Bye. That was a Hiddem Original.