Keeping Records - I Love Murder (with Amy Miller)

Episode Date: March 26, 2021

Comedian Amy Miller comes to the pod to settle an age-old feud with Caleb (started like a month ago?) and to ignite a brand-new feud with Shelby (over burritos). And there's also her Golden Record, which is loaded like a Bay Area super-burrito with artifacts to communicate to the aliens what they need to know about human life. Caleb and Shelby and Amy also discuss the scariest sound collage of all time, which, incidentally, is what NASA sent to the aliens. Amy's Artifacts Watching a grown man try to take off his hoodie, and then his undershirt also goes up a little and you making eye contact to acknowledge that you witnessed the hotness (human behavior) Being super mad but not being able to help laughing (human behavior) The last three bites of a Bay Area carnitas super burrito (culinary advancement) Cabbage fart joke from The Golden Girls (audio-visual) Sam Rockwell dancing (human being) Vine “I want to be famous.” (audio-visual) YouTube “More sand.” (audio-visual) So I Married an Axe Murderer Soundtrack (audio) Dateline (audio-visual) Movie theaters with recliners, a full bar, and a full menu including milkshakes (human experience) Scented candles from Target (human ephemera) A salvation tract, preferably "Some Day You Will Stand Before God" (document)  The Diary of Anne Frank (document) Original Voyager Artifact "Footsteps, Heartbeat, Laughter" (audio) Follow Amy and listen to her on her podcast Who's Your God? Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shelby. Caleb.

We are in different places right now this is the second time this has happened on the pod oh yeah it is lauren lapkus this episode wow two it happened for two icons also our guest today is an icon icons can't talk about her yet though shelby what have you been up to oh yesterday i went um to return clothes with you and you forgot the clothes in the car or you forgot the clothes at home. You didn't even forget them in the car. And that's iconic. We drove all the way to Glendale. And yes, it's true. I shop at JCPenney's and you're wondering why? Well, they are one of the only stores that carries fat people clothes in person. Everyone else just relegates it to online. So yes, I shop at JCPen jc penny's yes i had to return

some pants and i was gonna say something and you've just made it harder for me to say it which is that i didn't realize that jc penny was still in business but now you've kind of now i feel fat phobic about it yeah yeah well you're part of the bigger problem you're part of the bigger problem in hollywood i'm part of the bigger pie you're part of the bigger problem in hollywood look i didn't come on here to be made fun of by you for being fat. I came on here today. I came on here today to talk to our guests. All right.

Are you not going to talk to me the whole podcast? I'll talk to you a little bit, but only as it necessitates because of the fat shaming kind of stuff you've been doing um so far i want you to get canceled so bad no guys i want you to get canceled so bad hey let's talk about our guest okay first of all first and foremost icon gorgeous gorgeous icon you know them from comedy central's up next you know them from truly everything they're special they're they're they're gorgeous they're, they're gorgeous. They're wonderful. They're truly amazing. Please give it up for Amy Miller. Okay. I didn't know it was coming on a fat phobic podcast.

So I actually prefer to go back to bed like a fat person would. Okay. It's 11 a.m. Guys, you're making it seem like I'm 90 pounds. Well, to me, you are to us.'re a problem honestly thank you you know and you guys might know this but i've been so confused because i'm famously not fat enough to get vaccinated yet so i'm just really like who am i that's crazy i'm obese for the industry but for the vaccination industry teeny tiny too small teeny to the smallest person yeah the healthiest person to ever live almost almost feeble enough where they have to give you

the vaccine for that reason but somehow because you're just yeah yeah and then did several friends bring it up like you haven't been able to get it yet what about your bmi but amy no but nobody's asked you that name names steve hernandez marcella argueo two other icons name them yes this is true and it's so arbitrary too because like in new york famously skinny place well i guess the city is thin but you you know, New York is whatever. Is LA considered fatter than New York? I would say so if you consider the whole LA region. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you consider the whole LA region. I mean, you've met Steve. He's from here. He's super fat. In New York, they set the BMI at 34 as the minimum for a quote unquote health issue.

34. It's 40 in California. So I don't know. I'm also not at 34. So sorry. 33.2. Amy, do you think you would have found a way to, vaccine with or without the vaccine drama, do you think you would have found a way to brag about your BMI on the pod today?

I think so. Well, that's how shelby set it up you know she wanted me to fail and i had to take my power back right right right right you shelby said shelby said fat people belong in jail and you kind of countered with well i'm not i said i to be clear about what i said i said i thought jc penny was no longer a store. In jail on a pedestal, maybe. A really strong, sturdy pedestal. Yeah. Made of like concrete and brick. Not mid-century modern. Yeah.

Could you imagine a pedestal made of those white plastic lawn chair materials? Like really tall, thinner legs. I would kill myself before I even looked at it. There is probably some really teeny, obscure country that doesn't have a lot of money that that is the king's throne just one of those lawn chairs name which name which country you think that is oh um no i probably shouldn't no no i want to air this episode i'm hoping to air this i'm gonna try my my whole goal this entire episode is to try and get one of you guys canceled you've already tried with me.

I think it's whatever small, fatphobic country that Shelby's ancestors are from. Well, see, now you're getting into trouble because... Shelby, what is your... Actually, I was just thinking the other day. White people... This came about because of, of course, St. Patrick's Day. St. Patrick's Day is a perennial problem to me. But it brings out a very specific type of white person from the woodworks white people who like have a lot of details about their ancestry and are super proud of it

make me sick to my stomach really because you only know where your ancestors are from if they were in charge i don't fully know where mine are from because they were running so i'm like yeah which kept them thin and fit which is good right right which now makes you better than us i only know about my typical or my like kind of whiteness because oh god you know like i found out i had a different dad when i was 30. So then I had to like... And then I did... There was some part of me that was like, I'm not German anymore.

Like that kind of sucks. And then I'm like, why would I care about that actually? Have you ever seen... Especially considering what was going on in Germany for a while. Right, right, right. Have you ever seen Andrea Savage's show,

I'm Sorry? Mm-mm. It's very good. But there's a episode where she has to do a project for her daughter where they do like a family lineage. And her parents are both her dad is like, we're actually not Greek. I learned that. And she was like, when did we find that out? It was like a year ago.

Yeah, we're not Greek at all. And she thought she was like 100 percent Greek. And then she was like, great. Well, then we're just going to follow mom's side. And then she finds out that they're like the bad part of Germany she was like we're telling the school we're Greek we're telling the school we're Greek because everything else is bad yeah I turned just like regular English and Irish it's fine that's probably why I don't get booked yeah not German everyone's trying to get the german the hot german market right now

one of my favorite fat jokes of all time is an amy miller original i am so brave to be this fat thank you and but i got i think i went too far i got too brave because i decided to walk around los angeles eating an ice cream cone in public. And I walked by this homeless dude, and he was like, do you really think you need that ice cream? I know. He said, you're already fat. And I was like, do you know why, sir? And he was like, why? And I was like, oh, because I've been eating food at my house.

I'm not proud of that, okay? I don't feel good about it. But I fucking got him. And... Power structures are complicated, and he started it. So... You're funny. Thanks.

Yeah, it's felt a little weird well and i mean not that i've done very many shows but um a couple outdoor shows when i'm like i need my hot closer i'm like weird during a pandemic to make fun of this homeless person even though if there's layers as you will hear or you have heard already it It's like, yeah, it's complicated. But it did feel wrong, especially to do it outside. I'm like, someone will hear me. In their house, right. Exactly.

In their house. For real. You're doing an outdoor show. You're in that guy's home. Yeah. A lot of my jokes require a lot of qualifiers so that i don't get canceled um so far so good everything is weird right like telling jokes in general right now is weird even on the internet i got fucking reamed online because i tried to do a joke about myself but i guess i didn't make that

clear enough no i don't think you made that clear i don't think i did but it doesn't shouldn't matter that's the point is i agree with you that it shouldn't matter right it shouldn't matter if people like if you see there are two types of people. When people feel targeted by a joke, there are people that are like, oh my God, you got my ass. This is so funny. And then there are people that are like, fuck you. How dare you?

You're shaming me. And it's like, can you just lighten up? Can you just have fun? You, especially when you follow comedians, you know what I mean? Well, and also a lot of those folks don't follow us, but we get retweeted into their timeline and they have no context for who we are, which I kind of get.

And you're like, oh, based on this one thing, you sound like an asshole. But it's like, look at the whole package, hun. Like, go back. Look at the profile. Check it out. I'm so fat. Click on my profile.

I'm really fat. I'm not just an asshole. Look at the whole package. I'm also fat. Not fat enough for the government, but fat. I'm not just an asshole. Look at the whole package. I'm also fat. Not bad enough for the government, but fat. Yeah. Yeah.

Not the California government or the New York government, but maybe, yeah. Maybe Baltimore or something. There's probably somewhere that you were fat enough. What's the skinniest state? Do you guys think? The skinniest state? Colorado, I bet. Yeah. I would agree with that.

Okay. Healthy. It's the healthiest state I think well also you can't breathe if you like so high up there yeah yeah yeah they they keep it down they keep the BMI down by being like you're gonna have a hard time breathing no matter what let alone yeah but you do get drunk much much faster which is great. Is that true? And cooking times change. Oh, yeah. You can't make pizza there.

They don't have good pizza. There's people from Colorado already mad. Guys, I've lived in Colorado. You're fine. I'm wearing a hoodie for a Denver comedy festival. And David Borey and I used to call it getting skinny drunk. Because we could like feel fucked up after like two drinks because of the elevation i got really bad altitude poisoning so i landed in colorado and i'm like let's party i'm drunk i'm wasted 100 although sometimes i have to go

to the hospital for it i don't drink because i want to go to heaven personally, but I'm really happy for you guys. Alcohol is like of God. No, it's a vice. I have no vices because of Christ. Blood of Christ. Blood of Christ. What are you talking about? Blood of Christ is wine and alcohol. They use wine to substitute.

Like it's no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's what he's made of. No. Shall be famously Catholic. Shall be famously Protestant. It's what he's made of. No. Shelby famously Catholic. Shelby famously Protestant. It's Welch's grape juice. Right. Okay, look.

We cannot talk all day about being fat and Shelby being problematic. We have to talk about... Amy, we brought you here for a reason. We wanted to ask you... If you were making your own golden record to send into space, what would you put on it? I think it's very telling what my number one was that I emailed you. And you can really get just a feel for what I'm passionate about. And I think my first one, my most favorite, one of my most favorite things in life is that really fun couple of seconds where you're like in a public place and you see a grown man

try to take off his hoodie or sweater and then his undershirt also comes up which he did not intend because why would he be shirtless at the airport and you are one of maybe the only person that saw it maybe one of two and then you lock eyes and there's that moment where you're like it's okay like i saw your belly it was hot um i know your hair patterns like nobody else saw it this happens to all of us i mean honestly for whatever reason it pretty much never happens to women i don't know why men can't take their sweaters off well women are more cautious about it i don't think it's that it doesn't almost happen to women. I don't know why men can't take their sweaters off well. Women are more cautious about it. I don't think it's that it doesn't almost happen to women.

Women are just like holding the other part. Yeah, we're tucked in. We're holding it down. And they just like free wheel it. But then still get embarrassed. So I'm like, why weren't you more? Wait, that's the patriarchy. No, no, no, no.

I don't want to talk about the patriarchy because you because you guys win i'm trying to turn this around i'm trying to get locked up so quick i'm getting back on track um it is very hot caleb and it's like and it's also hot i mean speaking of chubby people it's like i like to be that person that's like it's chill like i i found your belly very sexy so don't worry nobody else in this like chilis saw it but me and i enjoyed it so like we're good how are you conveying that with your eyes amy has very powerful eyes amy has very powerful eyes right okay wait that actually yeah you know like like, yeah, I saw it and like, it's good. Amy, you have kind of, um, you have kind of like, uh, you know, that English teacher in

high school who everyone, all the kids would like try to eat lunch with her because she had all the fun gossip and like supported gay kids. That's the kind of eyes that you have when you like work it, when you're like working your eyes. That is my role in standup comedy. So that's perfect. This makes a lot of sense. You're the, you're the English teacher who is my role in standup comedy. So that's perfect. This makes a lot of sense. You're the English teacher who loves gay kids in standup, you think?

Yeah. Yeah. You have been that for me. I will say. Oh, good. You have been that for me. You're the first person I came out to in LA comedy. Well, if you took your hoodie off and your shirt came off by accident and I saw your

belly, I would give you the eyes. I would love it. Yeah, it's hot. It is hot. Particularly, it was a real problem for me when I was like... Straight. Everything was a problem when I was straight, babe. Not for the ladies.

Not for the girls. Spit take from shelby that was my catchphrase when i was straight where the girl is that hey ladies i would have to use yours and you'd have to just deal Shelby that was coffee that's the most coffee I've ever seen in my life I thought it was Pepsi or something wow girl honey it wouldn't be better I was on the phone with my mom when I ordered coffee for me and Caleb and I ordered a venti iced caramel latte with blonde espresso and a black cold brew. And then I told her, whose is whose?

She said, oh, oh. And it really took her a second. And then she goes, I don't know. I'm going to say the black cold brew is yours. And I said, ding, ding, ding. And she was like, I thought the other drink sounded too sweet. But it is shocking either way. Wow.

A little bit homophobic from Chubby's mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, milk in his coffee? He grew up on a farm. No, I think my mom just does it. My mom, every time I go home, I drink coffee all day, every day. Every time I go home, she goes, you don't really like coffee, right? Every time.

Oh, they can't remember anything. I've never eaten an egg in my life. And my mom's like, scrambled eggs? Every time I visit. I can't remember anything. I've never eaten an egg in my life. And my mom's like scrambled eggs every time I visit. I'm like, I can't remember anything. I really don't. It's crazy to see like your parents or people, people that like teachers or whatever people, adults when you were a kid that were like fully with it and fully like in their 30s. And then you get older and they also get older and their mind starts to like

you know like they're like slipping a little bit they're like losing their keys and they're like you know saying the same thing to you five times in an hour and you're like well they're also they're repressing trauma so what do you mean everybody everybody has trauma caleb i think my mom yeah i think my mom deleted chunks of her brain that included a lot of fucked up stuff but also in there was how i don't eat eggs and so it's just like it's a survival thing so i can't hate on it you can you're choosing not to which is adorable you actually amy speaking of uh your mom you have an item on your record i think that has to do with your mom don't't you? Oh, yes.

One of my other favorite behavioral things is just people being super mad but not being able to help laughing at something. This is how I've always made my mom laugh. If she's pissed at me, I say something very filthy or just swear at her, which is not new, by the way. It's less funny when I'm a full-grown adult but i would do it when i was like eight just be like stupid bitch and then she's like that laugh that mom laugh that i think the et mom has like the most iconic version when she's like there's nothing like that penis breath elliot sit down that's my favorite thing but also yeah in like a relationship fight or something where you're like like all night like feud moment and then something funny happens and you're like

yeah like you can't it feels it feels disingenuous not to laugh so you're just like i'm gonna give it up well okay caleb and i are famously breaking a feud right now so this feels good this is our mad laughter do you guys want to publicize what your fight was yeah i actually don't know i didn't know which of you to go to well well it's yeah look look look look look look amy and i no no no amy and i are in a fight and it's lasted for a while because amy insists on having a bad attitude with me and and coming into my mentions you know amy here's what happened i amy do you want to tell the beginning of it or should i we can okay i should say first of all i feel much better about our feud after listening to a couple episodes of this podcast for preparation because i will okay i did have moments where i was like maybe

this is serious and she was really really mad at me and then i and then shelby will be like shut up you idiot and i'm like oh okay so he just actually kind of likes this he likes women to sort of treat him from his friends yeah i like to be domed by women he'd be really cool if he was straight i think for caleb it was a real feud so you should tell your side because on my side it was fake uh i'll try to get through this quick listeners but here's the deal amy amy and i talked loosely a couple months ago about uh several of us and our friends it would be me shelby amy steve fernandez uh his partner julia blair sochi brilliant comic cool person the only person

you give adjectives to trying to get everybody you said everyone listen okay everyone already has an adjective you're everyone listening knows

that you're a co-host of this podcast they know that Amy's a comedian they know that Steve has a wife they know that Julia has a husband and that's what married people are they're only allowed

to be spouses thank you and they need to know Blair's a comic without a husband without a husband God Without a husband. God, which is so sad. I hope she's doing okay.

You talked to her yesterday. She's not. Yeah, she's not doing okay. She's taking like seven hour breathing courses. Which honestly probably makes her more okay than me. If she had a husband

she wouldn't have to breathe. He could breathe for her. Exactly. He would do it for her. They'd take her breath away. If she had a husband, she wouldn't have to breathe. He could breathe for her. Exactly. He would do it for her. They'd take her breath away. If she's lucky. That's how it should be. That's how it used to be.

Anyway, we were talking about all going to a cabin. And I said, mind you, this is when L.A. had COVID patients being treated in 7-Elevens. I mean, COVID was so fucking bad in L.A. at this point. I said, some people in the group are going to work and doing things. And I don't think we should, I don't think we should go. And Amy said, fine.

Which I did agree with. Right. Amy was on board. What if right now we made Amy look so bad? And Amy got really upset with us. No, no, no.

I have, I have notes. I have notes, but let's hear them out. And then, and then a couple of weeks ago, I was in Big Bear with my friend Chance Nichols, comedian. And, you know, we were up in a cabin and I posted an Instagram story.

And Amy decided to come into my DMs and say something to the effect of like, oh, look who feels comfortable with cabins now. It actually was very elementary school bully because it was like an alliterative drag like i was like cautious caleb can't go to the cabin i already know one note that amy might have is that the cabin trip was for her birthday okay well i'm done with my part of it and then so then after that i just was mad at amy alternately we were we were gonna do an outdoor movie at your house like a lot of plans for my birthday okay this is the problem my birthday's on fucking new year's eve and you know what's not cheap for just a safe number of people is a big bear cabin on new year's eve so

then it just grew and then this is also after weeks of caleb and i also being like should we just drive to oregon together like why like we're dating yeah i'm like yes should we just drive to Oregon together? Like, why? Like, we're dating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, yes. Should we rent an RV? Should we drive across the country? Right. So many best laid plans.

And then, listen, I was fully on board with not going to the cabin, but I just felt like, even though there was a photo of just Chance, that I assumed there were seven other people in the hot tub that you weren't photographing because of online judgment no it was literally just wrong but also i was kidding okay amy do you think it's enhancing or distracting from your podcast episode that there's a dog barking in the background dude she's so old she's literally 17 and not my dog

and she's a chihuahua and she's like she's senile and she doesn't know if she's on the streets of tj right now or in her nice home in woodland hills she just doesn't she'll stop now she'll gear back up if i know her and i think i do anyway it wasn't i didn't i didn't feel i i also apologized a lot right away. I said, sorry. And I did not accept those. He said, I do not accept. And I researched how to send a ham in the mail and then I spiraled into all this new information

about the Honey Baked Ham Company. Yeah, we'll get into it another time. The three of us host a podcast about Honey Baked Ham, the company. That would be fucking sick are you kidding me i would love that head gum head gum should buy that from us head gum new podcast alert just mail order ham more like original hey everybody we're like head ham but you guys feel like you're laughing through the anger now just to be clear i just want to

make sure i did my job. Yeah, this is mad laughter. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is one of the best feelings. Mad laughter is on Amy's records and we're experiencing it now. Amy, you were saying? I love mad laughter and this wasn't on my list, but I also love laughter through tears. And as Dolly Parton says in Steel Magnolias, you know.

Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. Sometimes I laugh really hard when I'm crying. And sometimes I laugh when I'm crying as a way to like, make it seem like I'm not crying as hard as I am, which is bad. I was studying abroad and I didn't know the people that well yet. It was the first weekend I was there. And I dislocated my ankle and I was like, well, what if I was crying so hard, I couldn't stop. And I was like, well, what if it's just a sprain and I'm being so dramatic and, like, people are going to laugh at me? So I was trying to laugh it off, but I was – I couldn't stop crying. And so I was, like, manically laughing while, like, sobbing.

And some of those people ended up being, like, my best friends. And I – after, like, two weeks when we like became close I lived with them they were like yeah that was scary you were laughing so hard but you were so so crying that's real that's something my sisters and I have done many many times and recently my boyfriend witnessed that like I hurt myself really badly it's a boring story but I thought my toe was broken and so I was like crying from the pain and then my sister and i just started laughing like maniacally and then cry laughing and it was like a whole cycle and he was like i don't know if you guys are okay i don't know what's happening what you're feeling yeah they were all like we didn't know how to help you

you were laughing but you were really sad like really sad i was like yeah i was feeling a lot so i had to let it all show 100 pain laughter yeah mad laughter crying laughter it's all it's all the best funeral laughter laughter is nature's medicine yeah oh a nice little joke what's better than that i i am i am addicted to me saying laughter is nature's medicine. And you guys just skipping right over that. We didn't register at all. Did not stick. We said funeral laughter. Did not have any salience.

No one cared about it. We said no medicine. They're already dead. Yeah, thank you, Caleb. Shut the fuck up. That was powerful for you guys. That was really powerful for you guys to do that. Do you guys feel empowered right now on the pod i wait i always feel i wake up empowered oh my god

okay girl boss vibes okay i can't wait to grow into the woman that amy is i wake up empowered and i drive straight to jc penny for my blazers i thought you were about to say i drive stick and i was like oh my god i never feel more gay than when i'm shopping for a car or like looking for a rental car and i have to click the filter that says automatic only that is when i feel the most gay in my life when i'm like nope can't even don't even show me manual cars it's not possible i don't want to do it full time but i just want to know it there's no reason to i was really right on that cusp and i my mom was like i could teach you but i just decided uh why why would i i'm like okay i love that about your mom caleb and i went to look she was mad i went to look at a car

and when oh god amy did we talk about this at all i don't think we've talked about it on the pod when i went to look at a car it was a 1987 88 uh jeep 88 wagoneer and i love wagoneers oh i was obsessed with that car as a kid i still only car but we go to pick it up and it's this guy he's you know 35 40 and he is we get there he knows we're coming we talked we texted about it and he we get there he's sitting in the car when we get there but he gets out goes inside and is gone for a while and he was like just look at the car he comes out with a sandwich yeah comes back up he tells us to look at the car comes out with a sandwich came out with it ate it asks us if we

want him to um do a test drive with us and if he can bring his dog we said sure to both then he's taking us up the mountain he's talking about while we were driving my door and he's taking us up the mountain. He's talking about. He had to open the door while we were driving. My door. And he's leaning over me. Fully on top of Shelby. Yeah. Mask around his chin. Like, just like.

Smelling like sandwich. Oh, just know I mean. And he goes to like, we're driving full speed. He's at the wheel. He's opening my door. I mean, it makes no sense. And then he just keeps going. Don't.

He's like passing through my chest. He's like, don't worry. I'm through my chest and he's like don't worry i'm a homo he just kept yelling back he was like i'm gay don't mind me i'm like this old gay man by the way he has the he he's only 35 or 40 but he has the energy of a 60 or 70 year old so you're like really feeling like he lived through like he did it. Some tragic gay shit. But he, yeah, 35 and 40 year olds.

He saw the tail end. Maybe. Yeah. Maybe he got a little, I love that. I mean, this sounds exactly like who I would expect to own a Wagoneer. I don't know what he texted me.

He was crazy. He was crazy. We went to see this car like two weeks ago. And he texted me two days ago and was like, not selling the car now. And it was just like him trying to catch up. Oh, yeah. I love it. I mean, I think he's perfectly on brand. I don't know.

It all makes sense. I actually call gay men Wagoneers. So this makes sense to me. Hey, hey, hey. That is enough. I said it with a W. Amy, for the pod, though, will you say faggineers for us i absolutely will not god the chihuahua is now coughing not barking coughing so do you have to check on that

no she always does it their trachea is just like collapsed at some point chihuahuas it's not a oh anyway um my mom's dog is dying right now but my mom is like i'm trying to give it its best last days so she keeps letting him have like cheeseburgers every meal and like all this stuff he was supposed to die months ago that is literally still eating cheeseburgers now he's still eating cheeseburgers for every meal. I'm like, if he's not dying from the cancer. Oh, 100%. That's what this chihuahua wants right now, probably. She's like, she gets whatever she wants because we don't know how long. I'm like, surely we're killing him. Hey, HeadGum listeners. We are going to take a quick break.

And when we come back, we almost certainly will not be talking about dead and dying dogs. Welcome Bark. will not be talking about dead and dying dogs welcome bark fuck see this is the prop literally last week i decided that was going to be my way to come out of ads and then this week now i'm coming directly out of dead dog territory with welcome bark really really really really really poor taste when you say dead dog territory even it's not a place i want to travel i imagine it's like weird backyard with like a lot of gravestones for all their dead which which province in canada is that i can't i never get them straight that's uh it made me think no we can't get into that we can't get into i will say it made me think of a house how much when i was a kid and i watched the end lot how much i wanted someone to kill that

dog we can't get into that i was like kill that we can't get into that no i always had more compassion for the dog than those kids oh well you guys ended up being like really kind why are we all it's huge and scary they're boys i had that wow okay hey we need to talk about something on the original records so that's the most compelling horror film i've ever to me that is horrifying amy very very scary don't like footsteps of any kind i honestly wish we would all just float um there's never been a good footstep that i've ever heard i just want people to glide or crawl or float um yeah it's not i don't like that yeah the heartbeat it sounds irregular so get that checked out first of all but get the vaccine early probably get it before may 1st. Existing conditions.

One of the items included on the original records is a sound titled Heartbeat, Footsteps, Laughter. The first thing you will notice is that this sound tells a story. It is nothing short of terrifying. There has been some speculation among people about whose laugh is on that recording at the end, the maniacal laugh of what sounds to be an older man. Sasha Sagan, the daughter of Carl Sagan and Andreanne, who both worked on the records, said this, I just double-checked with my mom to be absolutely sure,

and yes, it is indeed my dad's laugh. That laugh was the very first impression she ever had of my dad when she heard it upon entering Nora Ephron's apartment where they first met in 1974. It was included in the Voyager Sound essay because she wanted it to live on forever. Knowing that Carl Sagan's wife fell in love with him after hearing that laugh is a testament to

not love is blind, but love is death. Love must be death. One of the producers of the Golden Records, Timothy Ferris, says he suspects that might be too good to be true. Too romantic. Timothy says, that would be news to me. He remembers Sagan's laugh clearly. He says, it doesn't sound like what's on the track. He had a great laugh.

He had a good sense of humor. Laughter is considered a human instinct. It is not under our conscious control. It is actually considered a signal of play, literally considered the sound of play. This laughter on the track can't be considered the sound of play, because it's maniacal and terrifying. We may never know exactly whose voice is on the golden records, but it's safe to assume that's Carl Sagan doing the evilest laugh you've ever heard. If there was any three sounds I didn't want to hear sequentially, it would be heartbeats, footsteps, and laughter. You have to hope that aliens hearing this won't take it as a threat, but will just understand that these are some noises that human bodies and having one myself, if I heard footsteps, heartbeat, laughter on a recording that was sent to me by somebody I didn't know, I would almost certainly ask to be put in witness protection. There's something so sick in the minds of the scientists to say,

what three sounds should we combine? Heartbeat, footsteps, and then laughter after. And not just any laughter, but specifically this laugh. Someone just killed a bunch of people. That laugh? There's a lot of inappropriate laughter talk today, and I love it. I mean, I actually, that was my favorite part of the clip.

We're trying to make you is like that laugh is like the cartoon villain after he ties somebody to the train tracks he ties it he ties up beautiful woman leaves her and then he steps back and goes this is exactly the sound that that gay sandwich man made when you guys left the wagoneer um gay sandwich man well show me the lie gay sandwich man that's my roommate i'm i'm really hey yeah yes i'm really sorry to tell you guys this but issue with caleb i don't want to be sandwich man and also you got to understand what i'm about to tell you makes it a little weirder. When Amy said gay sandwich man, the only name I could conjure, I hate to say it, is Jared Fogle.

That's immediately where my brain went. No. I know. All right. Well. Kilo. And we don't even know if he was gay. He is not a member of the community.

LGBT or sandwich? Because he's a part of the sandwich community. He's a part of the sandwich community. We can't erase that past. He's there. He's been part of the sandwich community he's a part of the sandwich community we can't erase that past he's there he's been extradited has he extradite a couple extradited on my sandwich please a couple extradited i thought i again i got confused when you said extradited and i thought you said exit i thought i'm i didn't think you said executed but i executed i heard executed and i was like damn he's been executed it's technically a hate crime now because now we know he's a gay sandwich man

anyway moving right along into amy what else would you put on your record okay well yeah i mean let's talk about food um we'll go from food to farts because this is actually the perfect order. Okay, I don't know if you all have had a Bay Area burrito, Mission-style burrito, although you can get them. One of my favorites is in Berkeley and not in the Mission, although there are several in the Mission that I love. I'm going to say the last three bites of a Bay Area. Carnitas, hopefully, super burrito.

Everything's all like fucking mashed up together. It's like the right temperature now. It's a little bit of everything. It's so, so good. Yum. I mean, I want one right now. But guess what? Can't get them in Los Angeles

And if you have if you want to Argue that with me I will block you because I've They don't exist they don't exist anywhere Else and I don't know why And I was thinking about getting into You know the burrito making Hustle but I can't

And I was like hey Steve Hernandez Do you want to like be the face of the burrito brand so that I don't get canceled um you don't have to do anything I think telling us that you approach Steve with that might be enough to get you canceled hey Steve do you want to be the the mascot for my burrito company it's gonna have to be very very underground I fully looked into it I looked into buying one of those big tortilla steamers which like also i know there's probably like latinx people just cringing at the idea that you would need a 500 steamer to steam a tortilla i know there are other ways but i'm talking like assembly line steaming with the cheese on that's the first step that's a crucial step

the burritos are unmatched anywhere can i and don't be angry with me please i mean if you have to be go ahead but okay we'll see what makes a bay area burrito uh different than other ones okay so the first step of steaming the giant tortilla with the cheese inside is number one so is it two tortillas cheese in the middle like a qu quesadilla? That's a quesadilla, Shelby. Quesadilla. I'm talking you put it and then you put stuff. That is a branded Taco Bell term. That's not a real food item.

Get her ass, Amy. Amy, get her ass. Do you think Dorito is a real food too? Oh, Amy, get that ass. You go to a Mexican restaurant and go, can we get a basket of Doritos And some salsa Yeah I do

Shelby's over party I absolutely do And if I go Amy's getting ass Oh my god Please go to the mission in San Francisco Order a quesarito from any restaurant i've never ordered a quesarito even from taco bell but you're saying you're putting cheese steamed into the

tortilla yeah it's just open okay so it's a giant like metal steamer you put a big ass flower circle it's a circle first of all tortilla that we knew that we didn't i'm not sure what you know at this point so i'm starting at just base level we know it's a circle i know it's a circle speak for yourself speak for yourself i don't know your your position right now caleb is that you didn't know it was a circle i don't know i don't know anything because i can't stop laughing i don't even know what a quesarito is genuinely but i can't stop laughing at the idea of you guys getting in a it isn't happening but the idea of you guys getting in a huge fight right now let's start this is our first fight let's start storming new york versus lala from clock of love i mean clock clock what's it called chuck clock chuck full of love. What's it called?

Chuck, clock full of love. Clock full of love. It's called flavor of love. I think of the clock on his neck and I say, that's clock of love. I feel like I've been having a stroke for the last two minutes. Flavor of love is exactly what they put in burritos in San Francisco. Oh my God. Professional comedian vibes. Oh my God. Professional comedian vibes.

Oh, my God. Okay. Panel comic transition. I'll do this really quick, but you do, okay, big tortilla circle, cheese. What shape is the cheese? Let's get into every shape. Rectangular cheese, usually. Steam the whole thing.

They slap on foil. They slap the steamed tortilla and melted cheese down and then you do like assembly line you need this wooden spoon like a kitchen spoon basically you're scooping in meat rice beans uh guac sour cream salsa probably maybe a little bit of hot sauce but then oh and carnitas like you know they're good they're like salty fatty like not this chipotle bullshit the really crucial thing the the the tortilla is giant so at the end when everything's in they don't fuck you over like chipotle and just roll that up so then you're eating ingredients in order i didn't order a burrito so that i could eat guacamole one second

and then rice another second. I want it all. I'm not like, these are all the foods I'd like to eat in order today. No, I want them together. And so they roll and squeeze and roll and squeeze and then like really tighten the ends. So everything's all mixed up. But the last few bites are just, I mean, you're too full for them. First of all, you shouldn't be eating the last three bites those burritos are fucking huge you feel sick but you eat it i don't i'm having a hard time believing that nowhere in la could do this for you caleb no because here's the thing here are the major have you been to boyle heights have you okay people put and also there are other bay

area comedians and people that have been in la longer searching searching searching and you know we've all been out there um the steamed cheese nobody does that the people are putting lettuce in all the time like i don't want lettuce um also prohibitively expensive in la if you get everything in a super burrito you know in san francisco they're like this is what's in a burrito we're not going to charge you extra you go somewhere in a super burrito, you know, in San Francisco, they're like, this is what's in a burrito. We're not going to charge you extra. You go somewhere in L.A. and you're like sour cream, guac and cheese. They're like, OK, I guess someone never wants to act in anything. Good luck out there.

I wish the listeners saw. There was a moment of silence a minute ago. And the vitriol in Amyy's eyes that came up when he said have you been to boil heights he said have you been to boil heights and amy said don't fucking say that to me i have to ask well now because now amy's i've been all over the place we've already talked about amy's eyes and how they can say whatever she wants they said so much i did like i did like when amy landed on the reason la can't do a burrito correctly is because all the burrito makers are worried about whether or not you'll be able to book. Yeah.

I like that idea. I like that idea. They want to keep me tight. I want every waiter I have trying to get me booked. I want everyone I know trying to get me booked. Well, me too. But specifically people I don't know, my waiters. But honestly, my beef, no no pun intended is not with la um get try to try to get a burrito next time you're in portland

um they should everyone there should go to jail uh i did one time order a super burrito in portland and get raisins i'm not making this up i will fucking riot i'm there was plain plain white rice and golden raisins inside my burrito truck burrito it was the most disgusting thing i've anyway you can't if you want to tweet at me and tell me where in la you think in your infinite wisdom i can find this burrito please try me i'll try i'll eat them all you know i still eat them the only time a golden raisin should be mixed with rice is when you're doing a pineapple fried rice a golden raisin sometimes enhances that dish in a burrito I am sick to my stomach I know a white person's responsible I know a white person is yeah it's Portland um all right Amy what's next on the record okay all right since we just had a big old burrito i okay i'm obsessed

with the golden girls i think the aliens should watch truly every episode i got to a point in la meetings where i had to stop talking about the golden girls because it did i like it they were like we'll get her work in 45 years they were like she's not ready yet but in 45 years she's going to book she's gonna kill in her 70s but listen the joke writing is incredible like that's what i watch when i'm like writing dialogue because i think it's the best example of like characters that are so fully formed and different and different and it's just jokes per minute honey like that show is so funny yeah i had to like make up something else that sounded like younger and cool it's so funny to imagine at the end of a general them being like we love you we're so excited to work with you we don't have anything right now

but we've had a good feeling decades that in 30 or so years we're gonna have something for you that you will not want to turn down am Amy's having to quit talking about the Golden Girls in meetings is my having to quit talking about Roseanne in meetings. I have to stop because it's she sucks now and it's crazy. Well, at least the Golden Girls is because Amy doesn't want to age herself. The Roseanne is

because Roseanne's kind of gone off the deep end. Yeah, it's both. Well, you can just talk about the Conners, you know, then you're covered well i'm not interested in that same the original show was so dope but i think that yeah you you were definitely painting a picture of yourself with the golden girls that said please hire me when i'm nearly dead sophia is i mean so iconic. Her lines. But she has a lot of fart jokes.

And I'm not like a fart joke person. I don't like toilet humor that much. I don't either. Yeah. We actually make a stance on that on the pod, but we're making an exception. Continue. But I think about this episode and this clip of Sophia and how hard she crushes in the room. Like the audience loses it for like 30 straight seconds on a fart joke it's just the funniest shit ever and I think like oh it's just

so good dinner was delicious Rose what was it it's a Scandinavian specialty caldo mar I never heard of that before but it's marvelous no oh You just throw together some ground pork and cabbage. Cabbage serves me. In ten minutes, I could be skywriting. Cabbage serves me. They really are losing it. They are losing it. Oh, my God.

It's so funny to me. It's so stupid. Also for it to come out of her little tiny body little body's mouth but honestly you shouldn't sneak cabbage in someone's dish without telling them that's real you need to be prepared it's dangerous one of one of my mom's favorite sides to cook when i was growing up was fried cabbage and that shit i mean it was like if we're having fried cabbage i'm not there's no plans after dinner i'm gonna stay in the house and be a little bit sick you know caleb said he was gonna make that for me soon and he did not tell me i was gonna get sick it's yummy dude but it sounds so good

makes your stomach hurt for sure oh but yeah ultimately what i want to really get down to is um amy we want to talk to you about something from the record of humanity that you would delete. Those little plastic like butterfly clips from the 90s where white girls were like, this is how it's acceptable for me to have busted cornrows. Basically, like I'm Topanga. I'm Sarah Michelle Gellar. Like it looked manic. Like, let's just say, like, if the night that Brittany had, like, shaved her head instead, she put those butterfly clips in, it would have been as crazy.

Same impact. 100% same impact. Did I wear them? Yeah, of course. They always broke. They're, like, not very strong clips. And then also, if you have thin hair then you're like trying to do the tight like sarah michelle geller row but then it gets all loose and then you look even

nuttier like if you have thick hair those clips they don't clip on there's too much you can't get you can't get a grip you need to get the giant ones and then you just look like you're wearing a crown. Sparkly crown. Yeah, this spring would just bust in the middle. Fuck those clips. Don't bring them back. I know like probably the Billie Eilish's of the world are trying. I think they are. Like, no.

I think Gen Z is like working on it. Well, let them work on it and watch it fail again because they don't work for anybody. And it looks insane. And it's cultural appropriation. You have painted such a funny picture to me, which is Britney Spears going into that salon in the night looking the way she did. And instead of looking herself in the mirror and like sort of maniacally shaving her head, which we're pro Britney, to be clear. Of course. Pro Britney pod.

Yeah, we're pro Britney pod. I'm not hating on the hair incident, but there's something so funny because that was a woman at her breaking point about instead of taking the razor, taking a bucket of butterfly clips and with that same energy, carefully placing one after the other.

It would have taken so much longer. She would have left looking it's the exact it is so funny that's the funniest image i've thought of in a while and i didn't think of it you did you put it in my head good to be clear i co-opted your thought parallel thought i was also thinking that i'm just i'm like i i'm really giggling at my list right now because i just put something so serious at the end of something. Caleb and I texted about that.

Caleb and I texted about that. We'll get there. I said there is nothing funny. When we got your list, when we got your list, I want to seem smart. We could not stop laughing at your last edition and we'll save it for the end of the pod,

but I mean, And I don't even think we need to talk about it. We just need to pinpoint it as this is what capped this off it's really meaningful to me okay and life changes i mean amy me too but it's also it's also like kind of the addition of like a a 16 year old girl who like who just read a book for the first time i wanted you guys to know i read a book and we know and thank you 30 years ago that one from me and mine so many times

read it again recently you know because in quarantine well we'll get to it but it's like i feel you know i feel the same we'll get to it but it's like i feel you know i feel the same we'll get to it pandemic just locked up at home hi we have to end the pod now you we have i feel like now you have to tell say what the item is i feel like now that you've said that we have to go straight into it no we'll get there we'll get okay your choice what else would you let's what else would you include on your records i'm gonna go to sam rockwell um my number one sexual crush uh in the business he is he's like in the biz he seems like someone like i have a full-on like 13 year old girl crush on him in that way that when you're like a little kid and you have a celebrity crush, you convince yourself that you're like actually going to end up with that person.

I don't think I'll end up with Sam Rockwell, but I know that if we are ever in the same room, we will end up having sex. Like there's no question fully I can get him. He I think he does weird sex. He just dances so well and And he's like so funny. And he's like weird hot. You know, like that kind of like Buscemi hot where you're like, yeah, you're not traditionally. But, you know, I love Buscemi hot. There should be more moles on your face.

You're saying Buscemi hot. That's something I don't like. We were fine with everything you said up until Buscemi hot. Buscemi hot. What do you think that means? Like not traditionally hot. Is there another Buscemi that I'm not aware of? Buscemi's what do you think that means like not traditionally hot is there is there another Buscemi that I'm not aware of he's not traditionally hot he's not non-traditionally

hot Buscemi is famously very talented very sweet sexy okay and you're and you're gonna say sexy okay all right yeah all right yes also okay if you want to combine all those things and make it into sexy you know just some very like you know respectable physical flaws i love you know sam rockwell his teeth i don't know they're not hollywood moles yeah give them all to me put them on your forehead i don't care put them everywhere um morgan freeman your whole face i love it he's i think he's from the bay area too which is like a thing i have i know it's exhausting um he's just he's got like a tight little body and god he's just so hot to me i can't like i'm i'm i fully i have true feelings and i'm not like like that are you putting like his body of work

are you putting him are you putting like uh like a kanye west style hologram of are you putting how horny you get for him all of those yeah everything you guys said okay and you did a kanye style hologram like when he did that for kim with her dad what monologue are you writing for him to say oh monologue i don't know i mean i really would just like have him dancing like in a vest you know with a nice like tie dangling absolutely you know i think yeah a way that i measure crushes now ever since sam irby's episode is and i want to get your um sam rockwell take this, Amy. Would you let Sam Rockwell fuck you in a daycare with the lights on?

Of course. Yeah, anywhere. And he would love that. That's ultimate. Yeah, that's big time. That's going to be my opening offer. Weird that you think he would love that. Your opening offer is daycare lights on?

Fuck me. Because I think he likes weird sex. I do. I just feel it about him. You don't think foot stuff would be enough? It would have to be the daycare? Wait, the kids are at home, right? parents can fuck in front of their kids like if there's some sort of soundproof box the kid can be in while we're doing it you're putting the kid in a box yeah guys i'm not gonna fuck in front of the kids i'll put them in a little holding cell yeah i'll jail them first and then they'll be

released once the kids are incarcerated then i can fuck if they can't hear or see it then i'll do it okay sure yeah sure sure sure sure uh yeah i mean that to me now is the crush framework because when sam said that i thought there's maybe nobody in the world that i want to fuck that bad and i want to fuck a lot of people you have no idea you have no idea how many people you have no idea how many people i have some idea some ideas recently i mean look everyone gets mad at me for this i get a lot of negative feedback on instagram when i talk about it noah centineo you get negative feedback on that i get a lot of negative feedback why he's hot he is hot but people he's a cornball but that's part of it i don't like that to me that's hot i think it's hot that he's like a

corny loser caleb and i talked about this in. I think it's hot that he's like a corny loser. Caleb and I talked about this in the car once was that, was that there's something about his level of weird sincerity that is working for him and would not work for someone else. Yeah. He'll just like pick up his phone shirtless with like a gold chain on and his hair messy, like clearly having just woken up from like a nap and, and go on Instagram stories like, Hey you guys guys i just wanted to say love yourselves today um start there and then see

what else can happen it's gonna be magic thanks guys love you and and i'm and i'm like that makes me hard in like a sexual way i think the thing is is that he's sincere without being terribly smart so that combination is charming to me like it's charming to me that he's saying all those things and doesn't seem to really know what he's saying he's just kind of like regurgitating self-love from what he's he's like yeah it gets better like love is love he's never struggled he's just kind of like he's like i don't know i feel like i'm supposed to say something today he's like 22 and like an international superstar yeah he's just saying shit i've never heard of him so is he he's yes he's big time in like the netflix rom-com

world okay i'll check it out he's hot it's all the boys i've loved before he's hot it's amy there's probably a lot of superstars you don't know and the reason i'm saying that is because i recently um made the plunge to get on tiktok.edu slash the website and you found noah back and and i found all these people with 26 million followers that i'm like gun to my fucking head i could not and even now that i know them i'm like i don't there's no reason they should be this way boys the hype house club just like dancing shirtless in their living room i'm like you're hot but ultimately i don't understand how we got here i don't understand how this clout has happened i love it and they're stars i love the internet i wouldn't change it i have two internet items on my list oh you really do what's name one name one i dare you

i linked you guys to a vine and a YouTube clip that I love both. One I think is very representative of me pre pandemic and one really post. That's such a funny way to frame me. They're little girls just living their most authentic lives. And I, these are clips I've watched. I don't know, 300 times each.

Maybe. What, which one do you think is indicative of you pre-pan? The vine. Hey, I want to be famous. You should know that her eyebrows are doing a lot of good work right now. I don't know what she's crunching. It sounds like cereal.

It's iconic. She's wearing Halloween headquarters Cinderellaerella dress it is such a funny video hey i want to be famous hey i want to be i want to be famous how old is she now too like she's got to be like 17 now i know i want to find her she's really changed my life and then the next girl is like you know everything falls apart will i ever work again i don't know i'm just gonna fucking go to the beach and bury myself i guess yeah we'll paint the picture which is this is a girl in the sand you cannot see her body it is just a head it's like up to her nose yeah you want to get up more more. More what? More sand? You want more sand?

More sand. More sand? More sand. How about you want some more? More. How about I put more sand on you? You want more sand? More sand.

More sand? More sand. More. Also, this mom should go to prison. She's murdering her young child on youtube yeah and where would you put more sand she's totally buried there's no room for more babe who cares man just fucking pile it on what's another thing that kid needs someone to talk to what's another thing what's another grain of sand just fucking put it on my fucking face

more sand more sand more also the the like the not being able to fully communicate what she wants or how badly she just keeps saying more and more sand sand more sand and her mom does it no stop giving her more take her to the therapist she can't breathe therapist go to the therapist more sand more sand more amy i feel like we're kind of nearing the uh end of your record do you want to you have a lot more things do you want to tell us what uh they are i feel that too um like i'm in charge yeah no we should wrap it up yeah you're like you're also not letting me you're like you're like no no i was gonna say that first actually fighting again we're giving the podcast over to amy okay i did uh so i married an axe murderer soundtrack movie and honestly mike myers who if i think about what like actor comedic actor

has brought me the most out loud laughter in my life it's gotta be Mike Myers hands down Wayne's World Austin Powers So I Marry an Axe Murderer like I watch him I watch him all the time and I rewatch him and he's the best but the soundtrack I mean a glimpse of the 90s

children yeah I mean, a glimpse of the 90s children. A peek. Just a peek. Look into a spin doctor and then go see one. Go see the spin doctor. More sad. What? Used to not be a big fan of Dateline because I was scared. And then, you know, as murder got so hot, I guess I just got desensitized to it. Like all white ladies my age, I love it.

Love murder. I think the aliens should know how often the husband did it just so they can start there. Like they don't start looking at other people first. You start looking at the husband. Yeah, they need to see this pattern right away so that they don't waste their time when they start getting murdered. Let's see. Oh, movie theaters with recliners,

bar and full menu, including milkshakes. Miss them so much. I mean, they really blew up like in the last 10 years, but remember when there was like three cities that had it and they were like, guess where I'm going? I'm going to drink wine while watching a movie. And people were like, what? Yes.

And I don't have to bring it in my purse. Like, no, someone will bring it to you. You will never understand how hyped my dad got about that addition to movie theaters. He was like, have you seen some of these movie theaters? Incredible what they're up to. Incredible. Get a chicken salad. Movie theaters are growing at an incredible rate,

doing incredible things. I mean, Shelby's dad is a cartoon businessman. I know. It's amazing what they're doing down there. I want to be a part of it. You can get a Pinot Grigio

and a whole ham. I want to get it on the ground floor. Buy me 20 million in stocks. I love what they're doing. I think it's got a real chance. I'm going to invest in wine theaters, Shelbs.

Some of these chairs turn into beds we gotta get in on this um would not could not survive the pandemic or any time in my life without scented candles from target i don't think they're very environmentally friendly how often i spend just five dollars on one burn it throw it in the trash honestly my for once a week my favorite candle is a target candle called uh leather and embers and i know i love it i love it i burn i have like six of them in the house right now they've crushed it they smell good i love the labels and like for whatever reason every time i buy one which is literally once a week i i'm like i'm not gonna get the ten dollar one that seems like it's too decadent so i get the five dollar one burn it in like two

days i'm like honestly just buy a bigger candle um i will bring uh a salvation tract uh like someday you will stand before god just in case anybody wants to be a christian you know someone's gonna have to know how to save them i think that's really important caleb and i learned how to save people it's a skill like you have to practice it right tracks really help you know it's just you know you have to be able to like talk through it but also leave them with materials it's really an important part of the process huge and then my final one is yes the diary of Diary of Anne Frank. Jesus Christ. Fucking Christ.

Kind of a story of quarantine, everything about it. I cannot believe you. I have read it so many times. Just to clarify, just so you know, I'm not adding this to my record because it's just a blast to think about. I've read it. I know this book and to and to back up quarantine is like the diary van frank and trust me i've read it and believe me i've been there i've read the damn book i've read many times multiple versions it was very very important to me as a kid. But did I earlier this year read it and then find myself privately relating to it? Yeah.

And that's not okay. I'm not saying this is okay. And I should have kept it private. But I did feel like I get this now. No. It's not. I mean, cancel me and I will gladly. i don't even have to write my apology note i'm i'm already sorry this feels this feels like in freedom writers when jennifer garner takes uh all the

kids to a holocaust museum and is like look kind of like your guys's struggle and the kids are like it is that's this is what that feels like good good good again an english teacher so i mean we're really kind of coming back to something here oh yeah that's my list i think this unhinged and this is an unhinged record i think absolutely um i think both of you will be canceled because of this episode but i will be safe and that to me was the goal i don't think i'm getting canceled oh i think you are because phobia when i'm gonna put out a pretty sincere instagram like iphone note screenshot about um fat phobia in the podcasting community and um stuff like that so which is a crazy place for it to exist because like it's a podcast no one's even looking at us

being fat shall be of all the places for fat phobia to exist because like it's a podcast no one's even looking at us being fat shall be of all the places for fat phobia to exist it shouldn't be on podcasts right you never expect your community but it does maybe you should stop propagating it i want to reiterate what i said was i didn't realize jc penny was still in business context is everything babe yeah they still have credit cards which is crazy and also every time you go into a jc penny was still in business context is everything babe yeah they still have credit cards yeah they do stuff which is crazy and also every time you go into a jc penny like you literally just ask the cashier for a discount and they're like sure 30 off they i mean they will do anything to keep your business 100 amy thank you so much for this incredible record if you wouldn't mind just tell the people where they can find you and what they should be looking at oh yeah

um look at my instagrams just amy mill my Instagram. It's just Amy Miller Comedy. Twitter, I'm just Amy Miller and amymillercomedy.com. Oh, and listen to my podcast, Who's Your God, which Caleb did and was so awesome on it. And Shelby, hopefully, will do soon. Okay. Contractually, I'm obligating right now. Okay, good. I can't wait.

This episode is going to be so huge for my Uncle Andy, who is a massive Amy Miller stan. Which I've heard more times than one he's he loves he loves some amy miller so this is going to be big for him that is so nice i love uncle andy and i also love that your uncle andy is like younger than me i truly do and i mean this from bottom of my heart i do not know either of your ages for me everybody uh that's not my age is 32 that's yep this is absolutely why there's no and now now this is ageism and you will be canceled and shelby knows this is a lie because my birthday cabin trip was for my 40th birthday should i say that out loud i do remember that we did know that that was your 40th and caleb knew that. Yeah. I remember it now.

I remember it now. The thing is, he still doesn't believe it because I look so young. You do look so young. You got to stop telling people you're really aging. You're keeping it tight, Amy. I'm not going to ever stop telling them. I'll say my whole weight too. My BMI, 33.2.

I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. If you don't like it, talk to the hand. Because the face? Because the face is through talking to you. Whoa. Whoa. That was a Hiddem original.