Keeping Records - I See Two Holes Right Now (with E.R. Fightmaster)

Episode Date: June 4, 2021

Actor, producer, and writer E.R. Fightmaster takes great issue with the premise of Keeping Records. And the issue is that the show shouldn't be about educating the aliens on humanity—it's about making the aliens feel how we feel. And that means the aliens need to feel perplexed by CrossFit, electrified by Temptation Island, inspired by the WNBA, and...I actually am not sure what they'll think about the oyster thing. But they're gonna feel something. E.R.'s Artifacts CrossFit (human behavior) Temptation Island (audio-visual) The WNBA "Wubble" Season (audio-visual) Books about cities (literature) Oysters (food) A text that says “I’m running five behind” when you are really 20 behind (human behavior) Follow E.R. and watch them on Shrill! Also listen to their music released as Twin! Instagram Twitter Music Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludo sato. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Whoa, what's up you freaking freak? Oh, you know, not a whole lot if I'm honest. I'm trying to sell my car as you know. I knew.

I didn't know you were going to take so long to get to that thought. You paused for a long time. But I knew that eventually you were going to tell us about the car. Can I be honest? I didn't think I was going to, but I had nothing else going on. I knew that because I know your life. I, in my head, I was like, Shelby's not doing much right now this week. Like no, no big parties, no engagements.

No, I don't, I don't see you't i don't see you i don't see you putting on any fancy dresses so i say she's gonna you don't see me put on the dresses because i don't leave my room when i put them on but i'd be putting them on why are you wearing the dresses if you're not leaving your room i'm doing it for to to help my self-esteem my confidence oh okay that can be very powerful um so i said no dresses that i've seen out in public she's gonna talk about the car tell the people what you're doing over with that shelby well so i've been going on and off kelly blue book free clout for the girly and um i am trying to figure out how much my car will get me so that I can get a new car. Now, it's complicated, but today I talked to a guy on the phone.

His name was Tim. Tim, if you're listening, I love you so much. Now, you're trying to trade a Toyota Camry in for a Range Rover. That's what you're doing. I wish. I'm trying to trade a Camry in for a Corolla, baby. It's so funny to say I wish to the most obvious thing in the world. To be like, I'm trying to turn this quarter into a million dollars.

I do wish. It's like wishing for more wishes. I absolutely wish it. It doesn't mean I'm getting it. Absolutely. Yeah, so I have to go to a couple dealerships. My dad was trying to talk me into how to negotiate. But what he doesn't know is that I studied getting it. Absolutely. Yeah. So I have to go to a couple of dealerships. My dad was trying to talk me into how to negotiate. But what he doesn't know is that I studied studio art.

So I actually don't know how to negotiate. And it's not within me. And he used to be a lawyer. He isn't anymore and hasn't my entire life been a lawyer. But he went to school for it. And he's a businessman. He does a lot of negotiations. So that's his whole deal.

And he was like, you got to go in there. I don't know if I've ever told you this. I watched a video of your dad talking about negotiations once. Why? I got curious. Was he good at it? You know what? It was a very powerful.

I believe the video was like 11 minutes long. You watch all 11? I sure did. That's more than I've ever watched my dad talk. And you know what? I thought your dad was very magnetic. Okay. So that's where I get it from, huh?

Should we bring in our guests today? No. Say I'm magnetic. You're magnetic from your mom, your dad, and your siblings. You get it from everybody. Harrison, Alana, and Merrick, all of them. Y'all heard it here first. Those are my siblings' names.

Shout out to the fam. Hey, let's bring in our guests today. You know our freaking bomb-ass, freak-ass, cool-ass guest from freaking Shrill on freaking Hulu. Let's make some goddang noise in our houses for ER Fightmaster. Oh my god. I loved that. What's up, big dog? How you guys doing?

Good. We're fine. I just revealed to Shelby that I i've you know i've been watching her dad on video oh so have i oh what's up we have talked about that actually i think we facetimed him the other day together i've never once in my life facetimed with my dad so that's actually really cool he mentioned that yeah usually when i call him he's uh getting me off the phone he's facetiming us he's getting you off shelby don He's FaceTiming us. He's getting you off? Shelby, don't be disgusting. That was gross.

That was gross. Shelby. Caleb. Be wholesome, Shelby. Caleb. I was. He's getting me off the phone. I was baring my soul to my two friends, fighting Caleb, saying, hey, my dad gets me off the

phone really fast. Mike, when you edit all this, cut it at the point that I said. No. Yeah. said. No. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. We can't talk about Shelby and her relationship with her dad. We have to talk about fight.

How are you doing? What are you up to? How is your life? Well, funny you should ask because I just got back from the gym with you. I was at the gym with you. And do you guys want to talk about how I wasn't invited at all? Everyone's invited. Yeah.

If I was actually really prepared to do a bit about why you weren't invited, and I just immediately was like, everyone's invited. Ruined it. I wasn't invited. Yeah, it's actually really, really welcome. Everyone's really welcome. But I did want to talk to you about something. Yeah.

It's an energy thing. It's an energy thing. It's an energy thing. What's wrong with my energy at the gym? I can't say anything other than it's sick. Yeah, you can't lift enough. You're too weak. You can't lift enough. This is a 500-pound club.

How much can you lift? 500 pounds. What lift? Yeah, well, we can do 500 base base on everything but then we can do more on certain ones 500 bounce 500 squat 500 hammy pull i we weight our pull-ups so yeah cool yeah cool cool that's awesome yeah yeah but if you do some work at home maybe get some bands i have them better yourself so you can okay i have been and And, and, and I've been going rock climbing. Do you love it?

I do love it. Are you going to start going? I don't know. I have a weird thing where I don't think tall people should climb. Thank you. Well, it's so much easier for you. Yeah. But it's also like, no, short people are supposed to do kind of adventurous stuff and tall people

just get to like live either like like elegantly or kind of in a gawky uncomfortable fashion and no one looks elegant when they're climbing even like real climbers and i also think that if i were to fall i and well i know this scientifically i would die because i'm i'm just a series of very long bones. And short people can fall from like hundreds and hundreds of stories in the air. Right. And not even get hurt. I've tested it.

And honey, I'm still living. But I – so I once took like an intro bouldering class. Embarrassing. And I – they told me that I was never going to be as good as a tall person because i just can't reach certain holds now i think fights is something really important which is that it's not about whether or not tall people are good at that it's that tall people are elegant and shouldn't be involved so i think that's a really good point is that tall people are elegant and shelby you have to admit you are you do have you do have a certain amount of grittiness.

You're a real street dog. Yeah. Like if I think about me fighting, I don't think I'm going to be a good fighter, even strong or even when on strength, I will win on being scrappy. Yeah. People, I, when, when people describe you, when you're not around, they say Shelby Olsen's a junkyard dog. She's all scrap.

She's all scrap metal, baby. A lot of people are calling you Jake Paul. Yeah. Who's Logan? Caleb? Me. You! Hell yeah! I'm the fat guy who lived in Sway House. I knew we were fucking brothers.

I'm the fat guy who lived in Sway House for like two months. Whatever his name is. Michael something. Michael Gruen? He's their manager. Yeah, I would be a really good manager. The guy who lived in a slay house for like two months. Whatever his name is. Michael something. Michael Gruen? Yeah. I think that's me. He's their manager. Yeah. I would be a really good manager.

Yeah, you would. You would. You really like that stuff. I was just telling someone today that if you didn't want so badly to be in entertainment, you would be a manager instead. I don't think I want to be in entertainment that badly. Be nice. Be nice. Don't make me sound desperate for god's sakes

oh is it about your life's passion your goals i think it's something i'm vibing with it right now okay that's not how it seems in the house i'm walking around the house i'm walking around the house bleeding from the eyes screaming crying yeah i'm just saying it's not what it seems like in the house yeah yeah that's interesting that's really interesting i love we love you so much brother um welcome to the pot we want to know hey fight we actually brought you here for a reason oh hell yeah i know it seems like we were just wanting to gab but we actually need something from you we want to know yeah we want to know more importantly though which one of us would you rather sleep with or both you can choose both as well well i mean i obviously i would sleep with both of you.

I did tell you, Caleb, at a party recently that you made me change my answer. Someone had asked me, what's a man in Hollywood that you would have sex with? And I, of course, was like, well, Brad Pitt, I guess, if I literally had to. And then they were like, no, say something fun. Someone people know. Just like, okay. No, not Brad say something fun. Someone people know. Just like, okay. No, not Brad Pitt. Say someone that people know.

Say someone that people know. One of our first friends. It's you. That's awesome. But you would do both of us. Between the two of us, it would be Caleb. No, you'd both be in the room. Maybe Caleb would be watching.

Maybe you would be watching. I don't really know. I know that it would be fun. We'll get in the room and we will would be watching. Maybe you would be watching. I don't really know. I know that it would be fun. Well, get in the room and we will figure it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a lot of good energy. That's actually... I watched Thelma and Louise for the first time with Caleb the other day,

and I saw Brad Pitt in a light that I'd not yet seen him in. You didn't technically watch Thelma and Louise for the first time, because you actually didn't... I watched most of Thelma and Louise. You didn't charge your projector, and it died right before the ending. Oh, no. I watched five, six of Thelma and Louise. I've never seen it.

Me either until the other day. For anybody listening, no, for anybody listening who's seen Thelma and Louise, if I tell you somebody has watched all but the ending of Thelma and Louise, you can agree with me that's not a movie that you've seen then oh i love that so we have to go back to it well

if i've seen holes but not the end i've seen all holes i see two holes right now oh my god oh my god no okay i don't want to talk about holes right now because i know if we get started shelby will cry and scream yeah that's gonna go ahead and be the best movie ever made fight what are you putting on your records okay thank you for asking um since we started in kind of like a competitive you know workout vein and we just got back from the gym today. Something I would like to put in my records is CrossFit as a company, as an entity, as a workout revolution. Are you a participant? Have you ever been? Are you now or have you ever been?

No. Oh, okay. So that makes it a little more acceptable. I have never done it. I've never done it. I've never been to a CrossFit gym. I've never taken a class. I've never even taken an online class. I've watched every single documentary about CrossFit that there is multiple times. I will tell you, for me, it is just like the most voyeuristic thing in the world where I get to watch all these absolute, maybe former college athletes or farmers push their bodies to the point of almost death with like an American flag on their t-shirts. And all of the workouts are named after fallen soldiers.

Is that true? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. It is a absolutely psycho sport and I am obsessed with it. Well, didn't they recently, didn't CrossFit recently like condemn Marjorie Taylor Greene? Weren't they recently like, we actually don't agree with her. Wow. That would be really big of them because they did get in trouble for making a joke about i forget if it was about maybe george floyd making some kind of joke about like i can't breathe like after a hard workout kind of thing why why is crossfit making jokes what's

going on well thank you for asking why does everyone need to be in the comedy space you are a fucking it should just be us you're a flipping tire gym workout brand why would i ever need to see comedy from you that's crazy i don't know and they're all they are they are it's obviously a very kind of like republican sport uh there's a very like blue lives matter military undertones um which is awesome big christian following which is awesome but most of the people who win the games at least recently are not republicans and they have when that i think it was a george floyd comment happened but from like one of the crossfit presidents, a few of them came out

and were like, we're not going to do the games. And that was huge because their entire followings are their entire following is Republican people. So I don't know. I just, I'm just kind of obsessed with it. It's a weird, dark little world and, and it's hard. What? Well, you don't know. You've never done it. No, just watch watch what do you think it tells like the aliens about humanity that we do this that we are you trying to tell them that we can flip a tire or are you trying to say like some people are dumb enough to flip a tire i want the aliens to know that there is an entire sect of you know, specifically Americans that talk about and glorify the military and instead of joining it, do CrossFit.

That's what I want the aliens to know. Exactly, exactly. When you were first describing it, it sounded a lot like American Ninja Warrior, which I got really into oh yeah oh that tracks that tracks i briefly really got into american ninja warrior i couldn't stop watching it i loved it i find it interesting to watch and exciting and i love their little stories and costumes we would watch that between shows at second city. My friend Caitlin is an American Ninja Warrior. How good is she?

Oh my god. She was good enough to be on it in college. She has a gym in Chicago where she flips around and shit. I want to go to one of the gyms, not to train, but just to run around for a little bit, try and jump on some stuff. Hmm. Okay. Honestly, I wouldn't be able to do that. Why?

You're so tall. And that's exactly that. I'm not supposed to be jumping. One of the things is literally just to run up a ramp and try and climb on top, you would just be able to touch it. Shelby, something that's not clicking for you about our guest fight that I really have to point out is they have no interest in using their height. Their height to them is a statement of wanted to play basketball that's a whole height game

it's a statement of class it's an attribute of eleganza yes so when you play basketball are you not using your height as an advantage well but in basketball you're supposed to be hurting other people and you can hurt yourself and there's no shame involved

which is elegant it's elegant it's different from me being like watch me fucking i'm gonna run up this wall and everyone's watching and everyone's kind of arms crossed and then i don't want to i don't want a viewership i want to be alone at the gym and i really want to be there i would do it i don't want an audience i want to be like a little raccoon that breaks into an office you know and then they get a picture after that's like like have you ever seen videos of that where it's like you do have

like little raccoon energy you have little rodent yeah i want i want someone to look at the security tape the next day and be like what the hell they set up a bunch of traps. They don't realize you're a human, so they just set up a bunch of little animal kill traps. Have you guys ever seen those videos where they creatively trap rats on Facebook? No. They'll put a little piece of peanut butter

in the middle of a big bucket, and then there's a critical mass thing where enough of the rats get out there to try it and then the balloon pops and they fall like 20 rats fall into a bucket and then they're all stuck in there jesus christ it's fucking awesome i actually if i can say this i really wish you had never said it on the pod i'll show you one too i'll show you one too i want to watch those videos so please send them to me but i will say morally even though i want all the rats to be killed i do think the prolonged death thing kind of creeps me out like glue traps i didn't know how glue traps work and we had mice in an apartment in chicago so i set up these glue traps and i came home not because you know because like my iq is like negative four.

Not really understanding that the glue trap was just glue on like a piece of paper. And the mouse was stuck to it. And it was trying to push itself off of it. And its little paws were stuck and its face was stuck. And it was not dead. It was being tortured. And that reminds you of shelby's energy yeah i like the movie stewart littler what wait wait i'm sorry what why did you why what about stewart little oh it reminded me of him um that story yeah i want i wish i want to remake the movie and stewart gets caught in a glue trap

no one's so crazy about the movie stewart little they go to an orphanage full of kids and pick a rat is that crazy or is that beautiful i think that's crazy i guess i just don't think that's crazy i think it's kind of insane for you to call it crazy okay you guys be an orphan for a second sitting in an orphanage shelby you can't tell people to be an orphan god damn it mike can we cut this can we cut this shelby's telling people to be an orphan again mike we're just gonna start it over we've cut this from every episode every single episode shelby tells the people on the pod to be an orphan for a second and it's not it's i'm having so much fun i hope you guys too. I do want to say that CrossFit did say,

CrossFit supports respectful, fact-based political dialogue to address our common challenges, and we strongly oppose the loathsome and dangerous lies attributed to Miss Green. You know why they did that? It's honest to God. It's not about her political beliefs.

That's not why she did it. She posted a video of her doing a CrossFit workout. And it was so embarrassing. It went obviously viral. And she was doing such a bad job. The form is terrible. That all these people started being like, this is what CrossFit is?

And I genuinely believe that if she had done a good workout CrossFit would have been like yeah we stand behind her March the Sarge we love that woman but she did a bad workout that bitch is so stupid I cannot believe she gets to be prominent I cannot believe she gets

I thought you were about to say I cannot believe she gets to be prom queen and I said I go I go I go that bitch is so drama I can't believe she gets to be smoking fucking hot I can't believe she gets to be prom queen and i said i go i go i go that bitch is so drama i can't believe she gets to be smoking fucking hot i can't believe she gets to be queen at prom i'm so into her i'm so into her i'm like god i can't believe someone so stupid gets to be so she's so stupid i can't believe i have to vote for her for prom queen i i think i what if what if this we found out on the pod that i think everyone in

congress is like they were their schools prom king and queen that's how they got that's how it works yeah that's how it should be i wouldn't be surprised and i wouldn't be against it you wouldn't be surprised that i'm that stupid i wouldn't be surprised that you're that stupid and i wouldn't be against that being policy awesome People win popularity contests for a reason. Because they're popular. That's the same thing with chain restaurants.

You're gonna be popular. Popular. I kind of fucking killed that just now. What is up with my voice being so good?

What did you say, Shelby? You didn't agree? I just said okay. I just said okay. Do you want me to do it again? Yeah. You don't have to, but you can absolutely. Cool.

No, no worries. I just was only going to do it if you needed me to. The same thing about popularity contest is true about chain restaurants, by the way. They're popular and they're everywhere because they're good. And cheap and affordable and those kinds of things. No, no, no. None of those fight saying no chain restaurants aren't cheap no the only the only smoking section i can ever

remember growing up is a tgi fridays do you think it's because i spent a lot of times at a tgi fridays or because a lot of places didn't have them? Well, you'd have to tell us, babe. Did you go to TGI Fridays a lot? I don't remember. Did you get the whiskey sampler? TGI Fridays slaps, man. Dude, the whiskey sampler goes crazy. I remember really liking it. Really good.

Free clap for the girlies. Free clap for the girlies. TGI Fridays whiskey samplers. Oreo milkshake. I got there a lot. I got an Oreo milkshake there a lot. Oreo milkshake goes crazy. TGI Fridays wings go crazy.

I mean, TGI Fridays is... The chicken tenders chicken tenders honestly which ones the buffalo or the whiskey shit fuck i guess i was thinking of buffalo but i did forget yeah buffalo is yummy they had options that and that's what do you think you can't get that at a little boutique restaurant you know a little mom and pop what do you guys think about when tgi friday started selling like mozzarella stick chips and like the do you know what did you just say you don't remember this hold on mozzarella stick chips you're gonna eat you're gonna eat your words in two seconds baby i'm gonna eat those chips oh god that's disgusting pot has to end we love the mozzarella chips you know what i i actually have had a theory while we're while we get to this link i've had a theory for a long time that if i did crossfit ironically i would kind of sincerely fall in love with it i know that i would that's why i'm not allowed to do

it no why do you think that because i I think that that is generally, okay, mozzarella stick chips by TJ Fridays. And I'll be honest, they also had them for potato skins, and I'm going to drop those in the chat as well. I'm familiar with the potato skin ones. These mozzarella stick ones look like they were made in the 1990s, Shelby. Well, I said, what do we think about when they made them? I didn't say that they are now newly making them. Yeah, good job dude you got you you proved your point they really did make them wow you're being mean right now do you think the listeners like when you're mean i was i was being genuinely supportive mike play it back i was proud of you you um yeah good job dude you got you you proved your point they really did make them

that wasn't the energy wasn't about you the energy is i was trying to read what date they came out and then the thing about the ingredients came up there's a buzzfeed right up about the ingredients okay do you do you guys describe yourselves as more of like um a brother like sister duo or do you describe yourself more as like romantic partners that can't have sex it's actually a lot of times both i would say yeah we are you know you know that account that instagram account that is uh sibling or lover yeah yeah we we have we are uh siblings or lover yeah yeah we we have we are uh siblings by birth but we have such a raw sexual tension and energy that it boils over people are voting people are voting romantic but we know the truth is that we're siblings yeah yeah it's shelby shelby is often negative

chemistry and firepower doesn't translate to us having sex is that we're siblings yeah shelby has negative energy towards me a lot of the times, which is, I think, what you're picking up on because of the sexual tension. And because of sibling rivalry. That's just going to happen. If you guys could just, excuse my French, fuck it out one time. God, neither of us would

enjoy it, I don't think. I think it'd be so bad for both of you. Shelby. What? You don't want to have sex with me? Don't say you wouldn't enjoy it. Don't say you wouldn't enjoy it, though. Would you enjoy it? No, but you don't know that say you wouldn't enjoy it don't say you wouldn't enjoy it though would you enjoy it no but you don't know that i maybe i would lay it down maybe maybe i would really lay it down no i don't think so actually um maybe lay it down thank you maybe i was giving me crazy sex eyes right now release the tape. I was literally looking at this.

Release the tape. Release the tape. Shelby was looking. Shelby was just now giving me the most fuck me eyes I've ever seen in my life. No, release the tapes. Are you doing it again? Release the tapes. Glassed over.

Glassed over. Shelby. You've got a raw power to you right now. You're on the call. What do you mean? CrossFit's going on the records. What's next? Thank you. The next thing I'd like to put on the records is Temptation Island. Okay. What's that?

Now, what is that? Thank you for asking. Temptation Island is... I feel like you're on Shark Tank right now. And I'm going to pitch it to the audience because it's not something that I can just enjoy it's something that I now have to go into the streets and tell people about and share and spread

kind of like religion I think in like the early 2000s there were the first three seasons of Temptation Island. And in 2019, they rebooted it, which gave enough people time to forget what the premise of the show was. So four couples go on to the show, basically after having received the prompt, like, are you at a weird point in your relationship? Are you going to get married or are you going to break up? Very hetero, of course, which is like, I don't feel like those are the only two options.

Like, if you feel like you're going to break up, then maybe marriage is not on the table at all. But they all, all these couples respond and they go to this island. And then the men and the women are immediately separated for a little over a month and put into a house of opposite sex couple or opposite sex singles that's so fucking hot i was gonna say now that sounds like a good vacation yeah fuck y'all all the all the guys being in one house girls being in the other that sounds hot love it love it does gay stuff ever happen in that part of the show you you honestly wish and so do i you know so obviously that's something that i want but nothing like that could ever happen on the show because it's so

beautifully hetero there's a boy's mansion there's a girl's mansion and then there's a hut in the back for non-binary people to go to go and figure shit out yeah and I've been there and it rules and they have schematics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fights the emperor of the non-binary. I'm telling you, I would go on this show with Kenzie in a heartbeat.

In a heartbeat. I would never allow Kenzie to be put through that. I have to tell you that this show, especially the first season in 2019, they shot three the especially the like the first season in 2019 they shot three seasons in 2019 um the first season is so brutal and raw where you see people who did not really

understand what the show was going to be realize that they are actually going to leave this island without their partner like they came here for kind of a vacation and like an experience but they kind of innately trusted their partner at least a little bit and when they leave separately after these breakups it is not some kind of reality show like oh they're sad i was with a group of people watching this show and everyone in the room got quiet as this woman started like weeping and begging and being like what about my nieces like you're not gonna see your nieces again we have an apartment together we have a dog and she completely unravels in this way that I just

cannot describe to you it's it's a it is a feat of television unlike anything that the world has ever known fight can i ask you something yeah i i need a lot of help what do you want the aliens to take from this what i want the aliens to see one is reality tv show culture. I think that's really, really important that they understand the integrity that we have. Hold on. Before you continue, what is Shelby doing with her face right now? What? Is anyone out there seeing this? I didn't notice.

Didn't want to be rude about it. Didn't want to be rude? Shelby, stop doing that. Put your teeth normal. What are you doing? What is going on? It's those goddamn fuck me eyes again. Look at you.

Shelby, stop. Our show is so far from fuck me eyes and we all have to agree with that. The thing I was making is that of someone who will never and has never had sex. Play the tape. Play the tape. never had sex. Play the tape. Roll the tape. Release the tape.

Release the tape. What were you doing? I don't know. I was just kind of having fun. It ran. It ran. Oh, sure. Oh, sure. I was listening. I was having a good time

I was it looks like you have gas but then I gotta say additionally and fight pointed this out as well it's the fuck me eyes again it can't be it can't be that what are the aliens taking from this

it's give and come and get me okay yeah what are the aliens taking from this? It's give and come and get me. Okay, yeah. What are the aliens taking? You look like Sid the Sloth. Completely, completely indecipherable for the audience. Just going, oh, I wonder what she is doing with her teeth. I hope they don't see. I hope we don't release. We're releasing, babe.

You're going to release. You're releasing. Fight. What do you want the aliens to take from this i'm sorry about what i did i distracted oh no it was chubby's fault um uh what i want listen i i think an inherent problem with your show is that it's what do you want the aliens to learn from this? What do you want the aliens to take from this? You have a problem with the premise of the show?

I want the aliens to watch this show and feel the same kind of electric, insane, manic energy. You want to teach them empathy. No, not empathy. Oh, no. Sweetie, it was not empathy that i felt it was i can't believe i get to watch this it was really sick i can't believe i get to see it i guess i'll stop you right there fight because you want to give them christmas morning yes okay you you you said that you have a fundamental problem with the pod which which is weird to say, by the way, as a guest of honor. And then you went ahead and directly answered the prompt.

Well, I would say my problem with the pod is that I have been kind of like sexually bothered the entire time. I have literally one of the hosts just kind of like cheesing into space. It's distracting. It's hard. And then the other host, I mean, there's a very violent sexual chemistry that I came onto the show after doing research about aliens and about everything that I love. What did you learn about aliens?

And I'm here. They are small. Not necessarily. Small enough to climb. You can't prove that. You can't prove that. They are small, the size of scissors. We don't know that yet. There are multiple sizes of scissors. walk like if your fingers were like the way you're doing that is how people walk

you're saying they walk like people hon put the demonstration down you're talking about people babe it's funny because fight is the fight has described it being a flaw on the podcast. Fight thinks aliens are Barbies. I just don't think that they don't need to learn. They need to enjoy shit. We need to fucking show them fun shit. That is enough of an answer in itself. We're not asking you to break down psychology. We're asking you to- And now I'm literally being screamed at.

Well, yeah. You upset us. Fight also said that they think it's a problem- This is our source of income, babe. Fight also said that they think it's a problem with the pod That they felt sexually bothered But I gotta say babe That's how we want our guests and our listeners to feel Sexually confronted

We had Kenzie change the thermostat In your house so that it would It would be at the optimal temp I'm so sweaty We are sexually bothering people But I thought it was because I was attracted sweaty. We are sexually bothering people. But I thought it was because I was attracted to you guys. I have that sweat that just rests in between your boobs right now.

It's nowhere else on my body. It's just right here. Do you like that? Is that fine? Okay. Keep that in. Do you like that? Oh, honey, it's all going in. Okay.

So you feel sexually bothered by us. I hate the podcast, which is okay. I mean, not everyone has to like it. Exactly. I don't hate the podcast us I hate the podcast which is okay not everyone has to like it I don't hate the podcast I hate the host huge actually that's so important that's so important and when you write the review please

HeadGum will reach out and hopefully one day we can get your host of choice Joe Rogan paired with Ben Shapiro so that you can listen I back Joe Rogan as with Ben Shapiro so that you can listen with joy. I'd back Joe Rogan as CrossFit. Every time a guest leaves the pod, they have to do an exit interview with Jake and Amir. So when you have that from HeadGum, just tell them that you love the concept and hated us.

That way maybe at least the concept can live on. Yeah. We do. I'll offer to take over. I feel like I have a grip on what should be happening. I got to say something really serious, which is that we need to take a break right now. What? Welcome bark.

Welcome bark. Welcome bark. Hey, Fy, do you want to do a dog bark? Yeah. That's very Miranda Sings. You do have very Miranda Sings energy across the board. I think we look alike. Am I wrong?

Everyone in here, tell me if I'm wrong. I've never seen a single Miranda Sings video. I could not tell you. Well, you just did. Yeah, exactly. Wow, man. I used to watch it all the fucking time. It's really influenced your comedy i've always thought yeah crazy to find out that i'm just a big fucking fraud no no everyone has

their own influences everyone has their own influences oh those are hot the glasses you just put on are hot yeah what the hell fight what's the next thing you would put on your records okay thank you for asking um the wmba wobble wobble now that's referring to the season they did in a bubble the women's bubble yes and and what i like about sports is that it can never just be you know like the wmba bubble it you have to change the whole word so that people know that the players have pussy and boobs. Pussy and boob. Pussy and boob. Pussy and boob. No. It's Pussy and Boob out on 96.

Hey, everybody. Traffic is backed up on the wall. Hey, everybody. It's Pussy and the Boob. Hey, everybody. What's up? It's Monday morning, and you're here with Pussy in the Boob. Puss, how was your weekend?

Well, boob. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, new premise. That's the new premise. I insulted you and I made you grow. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of my bag bag that's what my teachers used to say just kidding you didn't go to school i never just kidding i never went to school i couldn't they didn't like me enough um well also with the wobble and we will call it the wobble

um on this pod because we believe it to be correct is that um they also there was like a big controversy about the weight rooms because like the weight rooms at the men's bubble was like a college gym caleb's doing something with his face that is different than the the weight rooms for men were better because men are better athletes i think was the idea that they had when they made the weight rooms. Well, the women's bubble, it wasn't even just that it was a better weight room. You're talking about the NCAA tournament. Oh, I am. I am.

That wasn't the wobble, huh? No, but I will tell you that they are related. Okay. Because the NCAA women's tournament, yes, all of that absolutely happened. They basically stacked a bunch of yoga mats and were like, fuck you. Do some yoga, girls. They were like, here's a two-pound weight, girl, and that should get you ready. And then the barbells were just like little tan packs.

Yeah. Very bad. But I think the reason that it got so much attention is because of the WNBA bubble. Because this year in quarantine, there were obviously, you know, COVID, everything that happened, really bad. But there are some highlights. And the fact that the people were so hungry for sports, that being able to watch two, three WNBA games in a sitting when other sports are not running, when people are hungry for live sports, made it so the WNBA for the first time in 25 years got actual primetime air on ESPN and their viewership

went up, astronomically so. And they were able to buy new jerseys that weren't just the logo of a company instead of the logo of their city. So all of these things were like, and we had all of these Black women, Black and queer Black women that were having conversations about George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and they were directly influencing the NBA, which of course, we then look at the NBA bubble and we're like, wow, these guys are really, the WNBA started all of this. Women have always been activists. And especially these black basketball players, these women who are moms, who are obviously in the POC community, who are dealing with wage discrepancies they are this perfect mix of everything that sucks about our

society and we had honest to god no choice but to watch them and in watching them found out that we liked the wmba and now it is currently playing on espn aren't like the the i feel like i saw something the other day that like the the seven best three-point shooters of all time are women oh absolutely absolutely big time and then but then you talk like you go onto a message board the seven best three-point shooters of all time are women. Absolutely. Absolutely. Big time. But then you go onto a message board, and it'll be dudes being like, yeah, because they're not athletic enough to drive to the basket.

It's like, or they're just good at shooting from the basket. And you would never say that about Steph Curry, you fucking weirdos. Oh, Steph Curry can drive to the basket. I'm just kidding. So can these women, though. You know what I mean? But he's known for his three-point shot.

Right. That's stupid. Men are stupid. Men are so dumb. Oh, my God. Not me. I'm one of the good ones. The amount of conversations that I had with men that I really love that kind of, in a very depressing way, would make it known that they don't think women are good athletes.

And, you know, well, I've never had to watch this stuff before because it's so boring, but actually the games aren't half bad. Yeah, and you're like, yeah, they're actually not half bad. They're actually mostly good. They're professional athletes. There are also all these conversations about like, well, no one in the WNBA can dunk. Like Brittany Griner dunked two days ago.

It was on all the highlight reels. So I, all of these complaints that we have about female athletes are complaints from people who just actively hate women. And I want the aliens to know one, that black women and black queer women are leading our society and making it better. And they're good at sports and they're good at being people. And two, I want the aliens to look at the way men treat women succeeding. And know that men have to go when they kill off half of us. Right. It has to be men that die.

It has to be men that die. I can't remember exactly what. Good luck building houses and moving bricks and cinder blocks and stuff. We'll keep a few of you. We are doing CrossFit, dude. We can do that. The aliens are going are doing CrossFit, dude. We can do that. Yeah. The aliens are going to institute CrossFit.

I think it's kind of funny to do a meninist bit in a really gay voice. To be like, good luck, sweetie. Without men who provide. We'll see. That is how most meninists sound. Gay? What's up?

Shelby says, yeah, meninists are faggots. I'm in a Mr. Faggot so I didn't say that you just said that I didn't say that you said that I'm rubber you're glue whatever you say bounce off of me and sticks on you now it's kind of going back to sibling shit listen Shelby was crying when she did that

by the way just so you know she's crying so hard release the tapes release the tapes then. Release the tapes. Release the tapes. Release the tapes then. Release the tapes then. Fight? Release the tapes?

Okay, yeah, I'm in. Release the tapes. No. So scary. So scary. This is the most scary I've ever been. No, no, no. Never mind.

Never mind. Also, I feel like, and I don't remember the exact details, but most of the NBA players have started to really vocalize for the WNBA like most of the like it rules faces of the NBA but then one guy who I kind of don't like already Draymond Green I knew you were gonna say Draymond Green I knew it go ahead sorry I really it was on the tip of my tongue and I almost said it before you but I was like don't cut her off she's doing a thought but I was I knew it was gonna be Draymond Green because I feel like I've heard you talk about this. Go ahead. Sorry.

Well, he like went on the record being like, yeah, I mean, like the girls are good athletes. But if they would just shut up and play, then maybe they'd actually get paid. And it was like, oh, no. Yes, that's worked for the last 24 years. Yeah, that famous way that people win negotiations by shutting up about it. I read a statement from him that was so clearly someone trying to be the smartest person in the room pointing out something no one's thought of, and it was like, hey, they tried that. He's just one of those dudes, and I like him as a defensive player.

Obviously, I think he's kind of like a little clown when it comes to like an all out athlete, but he is a great defensive player. And that's fine. But he's just one of those guys that has pure like bully doofus energy. And absolutely did not. I don't even think that when those words left his mouth, he knew what he was saying. He's just a bully bully doofus and so everything that he says is just going to be like a step off and not correct the quote was i'm really tired of seeing them complain about the lack of pay because they're doing themselves a disservice by just complaining um and then basically was like all they're doing is talking they're not trying to do anything about it talking is doing something you weird bitch and also they're trying to do stuff about it that's that's all rich people

though all rich people in general across the board no i shouldn't say all there there are rich people who i think have somewhat of a genuine interest in uh equity for people below them but a lot of rich people who have those kind of ideals, like conservative weirdos, just say just about everything about social issues in general. We'll just be like, I just, yeah, I just wish everyone would stop talking about it so much so we could move

past it. It's like, that's not gonna work. What are you talking about? Absolutely never happened. That he's mad because women are getting attention. Like when people say things like that, they are just mad at the change itself.

You know what I mean? It's not like he's mad that the women aren't getting paid. he's mad that they're talking so much and that his friends are wearing the orange hoodies that's what he's mad about yeah i listen fight i agree that he's a good defensive player but it does hurt me to say that i am from cleveland i have to hate the guy it's part of my behavior oh yeah i'm a'm a, I'm a brawn for life. Ooh. Wherever brawn goes. So,

you know, just a kid from Akron. Yeah. Kid from Akron. I think everyone should have my opinion on the WNBA, which is that they clearly deserve more money and respect and that I could be every single one of them one-on-one. I think.

In basketball, you couldn't beat a single one, just to be clear. I could be every single woman in the WNBA one-on-one at basketball. I saw Caleb lift today. I will say that, like, she's really strong. I've seen Caleb shoot a basketball, and I can tell you. It's so true.

I don't care how many pounds this man can lift. I've seen him. He can't shoot. The kid can't shoot. Frankly, I've seen him shoot a layup. I make layups. Don't be a goofball. You missed some too.

Get out of here, you fucking hater. I'm not out here claiming I'll be... Hey, Mom. Mom, come pick me up. No, Shelby's right. Shelby's right. We're supposed to play you in a game of basketball, and you'll see what I'm saying. Oh, you won't be playing me in a game of basketball.

I'll be doing basketball at you. No, you're going to be playing. You're going to be guarded. I'm not guarding you. I'm guarding our friend Katie, friend of the pod. Wow. I can't wait to do that. You guys won't be playing.

Nobody will be playing basketball on that court so much as taking notes, watching me showcase what the game can be. No, I'm going to be Harlem Globetrotting around that court. Just doing tricks. Harlem Globetrotting? Just doing tricks. You don't have what it takes. You don't have the cool outfit.

You don't have the ball handling skills. I can buy the cool outfit. It's not hard to get an outfit. You don't have the ball handling skills. You don't have the raw charisma of those guys. Those guys are entertainers at their core. They're entertainers. You have chosen to do something that almost is explicitly charisma.

It's only over audio with me for pay. A podcast? Yeah. Interesting. I didn't choose you. HeadGum partnered us up. That's not. That is hilarious.

Man, I love this. These two, they got to get in the mix somewhere. You just happen to live together, I love this. These two, they gotta get in the mix somewhere. You just happen to live together. I love that. No, HeadGum made us live together. This is HeadGum's idea of a content house. This is the Hype House by LA for HeadGum. Logan, Jake,

and what's the manager's name? Michael. Well, he's from Sway. You're thinking of Team 7's name? Michael. No. Well, he's from Sway. Yeah, he's. I don't know anything. You're thinking of Team 7's house or whatever. Guys, I'm taking a lemon break. Oh.

Yeah, you just. You're eating a lemon with the full. Wow. People are going to think I so often make things up on the pod that they're going to think I'm making up that you just ate a lemon with the rind and all. Well, my lawyers will come after you if you tell the people what I've done. Oh, yeah. No problem. Hey, Fight, we also wanted to ask you, before we get back to the rest of your record, what

is something so embarrassing in all of humanity that you think it should be deleted from the records entirely? And before you answer, we should tell you. It doesn't have to be the big stuff. It doesn't have to be homophobia, it doesn't have to be homophobia war famine sexism in the workplace cancer it doesn't have to be anything like that potato blight what great wouldn't have picked those so that's great um Shelby Shelby loves child cancer don't pick that I would never take yours Mike had such a strong reaction to child cancer.

Mike is grimacing in the corner. Okay. Fight. Fight for real. Fight for real. Oh, it's parking enforcement. Yes. Truly and sincerely.

Yes. Yeah. No, I, I, I, I, I try, I try sometimes to really be like, you know, fight. Is it, is it classes to hate the people that do that job? that job but i'm like no there are like literally so many jobs um and you chose to do this it's like to me it's like being a cop like you chose to be this person and parking enforcement one we should be able to park our cars on streets that that is how it should work i should not have to pay 60 dollars if i park my car somewhere on memorial day that i can it should work i should not have to pay 60 if i park my car somewhere on memorial day that i can't normally park on mondays and watching those fuckers drive

around my fucking neighborhood looking for people to to punish they're fucking losers they're fucking losers if you work in parking enforcement you are a fucking weird loser with off vibes you can do anything else You can do anything else. You can do anything else. You choose to ride around in your stupid little fucking outfit. You be a doctor. Be a lawyer. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.

Yeah. You're worried about being classist, but you go really hard on it. Be a lawyer. Be a businessman. Be a developer. Don't be a fucking loser. It's so lame to walk around. I shouldn't use the word lame.

I've learned that recently, actually. We can keep it so that people can hear me correcting myself. It's so gay. It's so lame to walk around. I shouldn't use the word lame. I've learned that recently, actually. We can keep it so that people can hear me correcting myself. It's so gay. It's so gay. It is so gay. You shouldn't say that's so gay. What if I said every time something wasn't cool, that's so girl wearing a skirt as a top?

Incredible. The jeans are cute, though. You guys know what I'm talking about? something wasn't cool that's so girl wearing a skirt as a top incredible the jeans the jeans are cute though you guys know what i'm talking about i don't know yeah of course i do of course i know what you're talking about you don't shelby fight tell me it it was like a like a stop bullying stop harassment commercial that hillary duff did and she does walk up to this girl who's like you're putting something on her like talking about something do you like this top so gay and then hillary duff says exactly what Caleb says. You know, you really shouldn't say that.

What if every time something was bad, everybody said, oh, that's so girl wearing a skirt as a top. Oh, you are. And then the woman looks down, hating herself now, recognizing homophobia is wrong. And Hilary Duff walks out. She gets hit by a bus. See, the reason I don't remember this.

I don't remember this at all. After it's gay. Because at the time that this came out, I couldn't have been less aware of my own queerness that it didn't even register to me. I was more the girl wearing skirt as a top. So I didn't even, you know. I watched it and I thought, I was like, one, obviously did not know

that I was gay either. Watch it. Congrats. Definitely not going to stop saying that. And two, that's not a good burn. Like, she looks fine. You need to go harder. You know, like, I wish Hilary Duff would have been like, what if I just called you a dyke right now?

It wouldn't have worked for the PSA, dude. dude okay we just know that a fight's not gonna get hired to write psa anytime soon fight if you could not make it readable for the psa if you could change the insult what would you put in the insult i started with me like you shouldn't say that so gay like what if i called you a dyke right now you'd be fucking your feelings would be hurt what if i called you a fugly dyke with no redeeming qualities then what lmfao pull yourself out by your bootstraps okay i'm calling a lift that's what i would do i'm going okay i ultimately i agree parking enforcement truly that if you work for parking enforcement or a uh a punitive towing company the kind of towing that doesn't help you on the side of the road but tows you from lots at Walgreens

or whatever. That waits. Fuck yourself forever, you fucking loser. You're going to hell when you die. Sick people. Get out of here. You chose that life. You did choose that life. You chose that life. Okay. Fight? What's next on your record? I can make

this one nice, sweet, and brief. One of the things on my record is books about cities. And I say books about cities because I like when I go traveling to read a nice book about the city. When I go traveling. When I go traveling. I like when I go traveling. When I go traveling. God, I wish there was an easier way to say that.

No, there's not. Too bad that go traveling is the easiest. If you were to conjugate that verb, it would be I go travel-o. I go travel-ace. I go travel-a. I go travel-amos. I go... Travel-am.

Yeah. Yeah. And I'll go. So, hmm. Irv yahar. Did you guys actually... I have to interrupt you to ask, speaking of go in Spanish, did you guys ever... You know the Chevy Nova, that car that was made in like the maybe, I don't know, 80s

or 90s? Mm-hmm. They had to... Chevy used to make a car called the Nova nova and they had to recall it in like all of their spanish-speaking markets because in spanish nova is don't go don't go they made a car they made a car and shipped it to a bunch of spanish-speaking markets that was called don't go damn who fucked that up it is kind of a cool looking car. Is that okay to say?

Yeah. If you feel that way. Whoa. Canceled. Canceled. I'm going to look it up right now. I'm liking it by its look. Oh, this is a car that you would like.

Yeah, of course it is. It sort of looks like shit in a lot of ways. And for me, that's good. It's endearing. It also looks like shit in a lot of ways and for me that's good it's endearing it also looks like something it's it also looks like something that uh um like a mechanic kind of lesbian would fix up in a shop yeah absolutely fixed up in a shop for a couple of years yeah i thought he was gonna say something i thought he was gonna go harder on that i thought he was gonna go harder on me in response to that why do you assume the worst for me? Oh, it's history.

Can I talk to you guys really quickly? Let me talk to you guys really quickly. Talk to us, babe. You are literally so close. I know that you're doing this in the same house right now. If you guys need to take a break to have sex, I will facilitate it. You can take the computer into the room. I will talk you through

it kind of sex therapy wise okay and we can come back i'm only in my underwear right now should we all be should we all be naked shelby's pants shelby shelby and i were walking around the house before we got on the recording like getting water and stuff and shelby's walking around pants unbuttoned and i'm walking around in my underwear so it really was it really was like in a movie where they're trying to like opening like in a movie where they're trying to like opening sequence in a movie where they're trying to get across the point that like people are like tired and overworked and like a little bit too drunk yeah walking around the house being like that was the vibe of Caleb and I pre-pod walking around the house. But you both put on suits for this, and I love that.

Thank you. We did. Well, we wanted to look good for you, babe. Yeah, well, I'm in a beautiful dress. We all wear suits every day. Human beings. We wear suits of emotion and facade. Everyone's complaining about masks in 2020.

Well, what about the masks we've been wearing our whole lives? Who was complaining about masks in 2020 well what about the masks we've been wearing our whole lives who was complaining about masks oh marjorie taylor green such a stupid thing to say march um hey i love i love that we got so off track but i can actually remember where we're at which was uh books about cities i also have books about cities what's your favorite one um i really liked this book i it's i mean truly a book about a city berlin uh i really liked the book berlin because it went like chapter by chapter basically every like 30 years of berlin since it was like built and it was so absolutely dark and depressing. It was iconic. But I read it on a train to Berlin the day Bowie died. And the last chapter was about his death. And so I think that the aliens would have a really nice experience doing the exact same thing that I did. They just have to pick a book that has a celebrity in it that they know is going to die like that is part of the experience okay does that make sense i think so caleb are you on board yeah yeah i mean why not i guess yeah why not i say why not to it all i accept i embrace that idea

great perfect cities about books are so cool i feel like also when you move somewhere new i i you should try to read you should try to learn about the history of the place you live in. Yes. Cities about books. It's important. Did I say cities about books? Yeah. It's about cities. Cities about books.

What's next on your list? So beaten down. Just what's next, okay? Let's get this over with. Let's just. I can't be beat up anymore my second to last thing yeah

oysters oh very that's an aphrodisiac it's an aphrodisiac sexual I felt like a like a really

I felt cool when I did that voice I want I want the aliens to come down here and be like wait so what are you what are y'all eating? And then she'll kind of go into some restaurants and be like,

okay, kind of understanding it. And then they come to my house, and I show them an oyster, and they're like, you're fucking with us. And I'm like, no, I'm serious. And they're like, no, that's impossible, but it's like a rock. And I open it up, and they're like, that's it. No, that's like a little clitty. And I go, no, I'm serious. And I offer it open it up and they're like, that's it. No, that's like a little clitty. And I go, no, I'm serious.

And I offer it to them. And they're like, well, I'm not eating it first. You're fucking with us. And then I do it. I slurp it up. It's kind of this like weird kind of like raw horny moment where they're like grossed out. But they're like, oh, I bet they fucking lay it down. And then they have a bunch of oysters.

And then we just start kind of like talking about like childhood trauma and like plan a trip to Europe together. So little of that was about the oysters and so much of it was about an experience, which is totally fine. So much of it was about having like a fun, flirty energy with the aliens. And you know what? I told you that's my problem with this fucking podcast is that i don't i'm not trying to once again teach these aliens anything i'm trying to give them a nice time i love that no one's faulting you for that no one's mad at you babe a lot a lot you are projecting like this yeah mike did not flip you off mike did not flip you off no caleb you were looking down mike did flip him off well. Well, Mike. That is so inappropriate. That is so inappropriate.

No, I love that you want to fuck the aliens. I think that's cool. I think that's cool, too. I have a question about oysters, if I'm allowed to ask. Please. How often, if ever, I understand the answer might be never, does someone find a pearl in an oyster that they're eating? Every time.

Every time. That's not true. That's why they're so expensive. Yes, it is. That's why it's $4 an oyster that they're eating. Every time. That's not true. That's why they're so expensive. It's $4 an oyster. If you go to a restaurant, it's $4. Please Google it right now. I would love that. You guys are about to

make me look stupid on the pod and I'm going to email Mike separately and say, cut this part out. Go ahead. Take your time. Let's all sit in the silence of this moment. Let's take time to reflect. Google search on foxnews.com. So it doesn't appear that it happens every time, but it is possible to happen.

I guess it's just happened every time for Caleb and me. Yeah. We can only speak from our own vantage point. That's true. Fight, what else would you put on your records? This is the final thing that I'd put on my records. Because I think it says... Brag.

I brought this in for you guys today too, because I think it really speaks to who you are as people. I think it was sure the alien is a lot about humanity. The final thing on my list is a text that says i'm running five behind when you're really 20 minutes late that speaks mostly to you yeah so i have done that to you not to me no not yet oh actually sylvia i need to get your number okay redacted 9-1-1 is this it?

it's really close it's not so you love to send a text that says you're 5 minutes away when you're actually 20 tell us what you think that says about humanity I think it seriously very non-joking shows that i'm a sick little narcissist that no one's time is as valuable as my own that i don't have the brain capacity to plan leaving the house at the right time even though i go i leave the house to go to the gym every day and every day I know that it's a

30 minute drive and every day I leave expecting it to be a 15 minute drive because my IQ like I referenced earlier negative 4 I feel honestly comforted by friends that are constantly late because then anytime I am running late I feel like

you don't have to feel bad about it they get this I have a question about just how you want this presented I am running late, I feel like... You don't have to feel bad about it. I'm safe. They get this. You don't. I have a question about just how you want this presented on the records. Do you want a video of where you're at while

you're writing the text? Or do you want sort of... Yeah, I'm going to get cancelled for this, but I want it to be praying that the red light like that the red light will last as long as it takes me to do my text and me like driving and kind of like like looking up at the red light and typing something really fast and my phone like correcting because it knows exactly what the fuck i'm trying to say yes it knows that i'm writing

i'm running five behind it knows that it doesn't need to put in that i'm running five behind. It knows that. It doesn't need to put in that I'm running five behind. No, no, no, no, no, no. We know. It doesn't need to put in five minutes. It fucking knows. Until I think, yeah, it would be the alien seeing me driving dangerously with my phone, texting at a red light. And then maybe it'll have a follow-up of your arrival time. Yeah.

And then when I... There'll be time stamps, yeah. When I write I'm running five behind i that's when i ask for the address i like imagining that the aliens are waiting on you at an oyster restaurant and they get the text one of them looks at their phone reads for half a second clicks the screen uh off puts the phone down and says to the group of them uh fights lying via text again fucking freak yeah yep yep yep and then they just and then they just patiently wait for you for another 15 minutes or 20 yeah and i would want

them to use that time to be like what's going on with them and then kind of like talk about my mental health my relationship with my partner um if if my pilot's gonna go like shit like that you're just drag me and then when i walk in for all the aliens to be like there they are our favorite person we love you bitch that yes yes yes and we're at a tgi friday that edition says so much about humanity period no questions asked thank you do you want to know something disgusting the only thing i took from that whole chunk of fight talking and maybe this entire episode is is is me going is fight waiting to hear if a pilot's gonna go i literally thought the same thing i was like cool i'll text them after and just check on that see how that's going yeah yeah yeah so yeah i wrote a really, really good pilot. The premise is kind of like, if the aliens came, what would you show them?

And I haven't picked who I want the leads to be yet, but I'm looking for a tall, mean bitch and a short little fuck. You are making some extremely powerful enemies, I will tell you that. Keep it up. Keep it up, because I would love to exercise the full extent of the power that I have behind this pod. We have 25 lawyers. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I did see a photo of us recently that we had those strangers take when we pretended to be a couple. And I will say that standing next to you, I think you're so tall. And in that photo, we are exactly the same height and it freaked me out just out of curiosity what do you think it's like being me when you guys

are both around you ran into us right before this picture was taken actually you're both human giants and i'm merely a three feet tall i have to assume that your whole life is like the glue trap yeah i want to carry you around in a little bag it is that your whole life is like the glue trap yeah i want to carry you around in a little bag it is pretty much my life is like the glue trap i want to get a little baby bjorn for you shelb carry around my chest i have a final question for you fight i already feel like i know that the message is going to be pretty chill. Because it seems like what you want the aliens to know is that you just want to hang out. But if you had to include a message for the aliens

just to headline your section, what are you saying? And I feel like it'll be something like, come over, I'm having a good time. The message to the aliens would straight up be, don't bother emailing it just stresses me out just send me a text if I don't answer I will go back to you

that's what I want them to know that does really speak to the narcissist comment earlier the thing you want them to know coming to earth is hey better to text me the email when you travel thousands and thousands and millions of light years that'll stress me out go ahead and shoot a text and if i don't respond i'll get to it when i can get here and then you know they were like you know way far away and they sent the email and they i saw it obviously read it but didn't look at any of the details and they're like

you know they're like you know they're about to roll up at my house and I get here I haven't cleaned because they didn't text because they don't know better that's embarrassing for them and I'm not doing that to my new friends I look you made an incredible record you are you are a friend you're a lover most importantly you're an enemy and you've been an incredible guest on the pod Fight, where can people find you online? Will you tell them please? Please. You can find me on Twitter and Instagram

as genderlessgapad and you can watch the latest season of Freakin' Shrill on God Dang Hulu and also music you make music, twin music twin music. That's right, you can find me on Spotify and Apple Music and wherever else you get your songs. Is that what people say?

Wherever else you get your songs. I don't think so, but we could start. Absolutely. Wherever else you get your songs. Wherever else you get your songs. Wherever you get your songs. Love your names earlier, Boobie and Tits. And that's all from Puss in the Boo.

We had a great time talking to you today. We're going to toss you off to Ryan Seacrest. This meeting is being recorded. Is now recorded. Yeah. I want that gig. I want to say that on Zoom. This meeting is being recorded.

This meeting is being recorded. Was that kind of sexy when I did that? No. I got to be honest with you. Not even a little. This meeting is being recorded. That's hot oh this meeting is being recorded daddy no i actually really really didn't like it if that's okay this meeting's being recorded daddy it works shall we try one i don't like it when you guys did it This meeting's being recorded daddy

Daddy Ooh daddy We're recording this meeting You can freestyle with it a little bit Yeah it doesn't have to go in a certain order or anything Casting people love that Put it in your own words Ooh daddy

I've done something bad I started recording the meeting. Yuck. Yuck. That was a Hiddem Original.