Keeping Records - I Take Being Silly Seriously (with Geoffrey James)

Episode Date: July 16, 2021

I...don't know what to say about this one. Actor, writer, and fellow Headgum podcaster Geoffrey James is on the show and just...wow. What even happened here? Mayhem, tattoos, heavily reused bits from last episode, our hosts and guest are absolutely depraved this episode. Geoff's Artifacts When someone with acrylic nails scratches your back during a personal low (multisensory experience) Pretty. Odd. by Panic! At the Disco (audio) Feeling pride when buying something specific at a hardware store (human emotion) Aioli (multisensory experience) Making a friend feel bad about almost getting in a car accident for way longer than is fair (multisensory experience) The 10-minute underwater scuba battle in Thunderball (1965) (audio-visual) Follow Geoff on Instagram and Twitter, and listen to him on The Headgum Podcast and Review Revue! Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. I send my wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Oh, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. How's your latte? Shelby made me a latte, and here's what I'll say about it. I'm a little bit sick.

It's not COVID. Oh, I was sick last episode. People are going to start worrying about us. People are going to start, but you're fine now. Not COVID. I'm fine now. Not long COVID. I survived it.

You survived it because you're a survivor. You're not going to give up. You're going to keep on surviving. Oh, you know what I wanted to really sing there instead? A single mom who works too hard. She never stops. Gentle hands in the heart of a fighter. I'm a survivor.

I'm a survivor. Brock, get Barbara Jean in here. And then, you know, it's crazy. And then Reba is doing, you know, her thing. Shelby made me a latte. Is it good? I don't think we should focus on that. I think what we should focus on is she made one latte.

She wasn't pleased with it. She threw it out. She made me another latte. And she tried to put the ice in first and then the hot latte. She wasn't pleased with it. She threw it out. She made me another latte and she tried to put the ice in first and then the hot latte, hot espresso over the ice. No, I tried to put the ice in, then the milk, then the espresso because we were

using a plastic cup and I didn't want the espresso to melt the cup. Baby girl. Baby girl. You can't put the ice in first. It gets all melted. I want you to know this. It's the time that they are in separately is so small that there is no difference. I was going to put the milk and the ice in together and then the espresso.

There is nothing different between that and putting the milk, espresso in and then ice. Either way, you're getting to an equilibrium. Are we having a debate or are you giving a monologue? There's a huge difference. Well, in a debate, there's usually opening statements for each person. I'm trying to finish mine.

You haven't let me. So, yeah. I'm so sorry. No, I'm done. I don't want it. Okay, so there's a huge difference. Thank you, Senator. There's a huge difference.

You put in the milk, then you put in the espresso. It cools it off instantly because they're really cold mixed with the really hot and gives you a medium temperature. Then you put in the ice. And the ice lasts longer in that environment because it's not being exposed to the super hot. That's science. Right. But the ice – but it's getting – it's the same.

Because the milk is then providing sort of a bath for the espresso with the ice. And it makes the milk colder so that it doesn't get to a middle temperature. It gets to a colder temperature. So. You guys, we are so excited. We are so excited for our guest today. You know him from the HeadGum podcast and the internet, and also going to USC.

Don't introduce me with USC. He wrote for Carpool Karaoke. Come on, give him his real credits. Please put your hands together for University of Southern California graduate. No fucking way. Give it up for Trojan. Give it up, Trojans.

If you're a Trojan, fight on. We live for it. Fight on, Trojans If you're a Trojan Fight on We live for it Fight on Trojans Give it up For Jeffrey James Everyone hates me Immediate animosity And alienation

Give it up for USC graduates No what's up I mean the best part I mean look Hollywood's our backyard That's the thing That you don't understand About USC

Exactly I've never understood that We can drive to internships And without having to I mean, the best part, I mean, look, Hollywood's our backyard. That's the thing that you don't understand about USC. Exactly. I've never understood that. We can drive to internships and without having to, for lack of a better term, find a sublet. Hey, just so you know, that was annoying. It is kind of funny that Jeff was like, no, people are going to hate that. And then he was like, but here's what I'll tell you about getting ahead in the entertainment industry at USC. The thing that everyone has to understand, especially the listeners, and Mike, let me know if I'm wrong with this, but you're part of the Trojan family.

Don't bring Mike into it. Well, actually, Mike, we don't work together on any shows at Edgum. He doesn't say anything. Got it. Got it. We want Mike to be part of the show. He hates it. Anytime anyone asks anything on our Instagram, we get DMs that are like, get Mike on the pod.

Get Mike on the pod. And we are desperate to make it happen. He refuses every time. Jeff, we're so happy to have you. We love that you went to college. How are you doing? How's life? Oh, life's great.

I was telling you guys, I just raced across town from burbank uh to get here for this just recorded another podcast so i'm hot i'm warmed up your podcast king how was burbank yeah how was burbank to you how burbank treats you burbank glad you asked uh it was the air quality today is really bad everything's gray uh which is uh that can't help but affect not only my mood but the energy energy I'm going to bring to this show. Yeah. You are bringing right now a very gray energy, I will say. Yeah. Living in the gray. Really?

Yeah, living in the gray. It's troubling. A troubling energy. An energy that is unsettling. Sinister. You have a sinister presence. Nefarious. Yes.

You have a sinister, nefarious presence. Unpleasant. Malevolent. Insidious, malevolent. Yeah. It's dark energy. We're so glad to have you on the podcast. I've been dabbling in the dark arts.

Jeffrey James, do you think you could get away with murder? No. Yeah. I think I could. I think I could when I ask people this. Oh, okay. But no, I hate when you ask this question only because you ask it twice a week and I've lived with you for over a year.

So I'm hearing this question half of it. Like a third of my year is spent hearing how Caleb would dispose of a body. And yeah, I'm a little tired. Relationships are about compromise. What would you do? Would you do it and then get out before they find the evidence? I'm not going to say what I would do. I'm not going to say what I would do because Shelby doesn't want to hear it.

But here's what I will say. Relationships are compromised. Shelby has to listen to me. I ask people if they think they can get rid of murder. I have to live with Shelby's cat. We all make compromises. And then we have mind-blowing sex. Right.

Me and Shelby. Platonic living situation sex. Caleb and the cat. Shelby's cat and I have, frankly, mind-blowing orgasms together. Each of us. I've heard you're getting a dog. Caleb, are we getting a dog?

Oh, God. We really want to, Jeff. Do you think we should? No. I think, as you said before, you're too much of a jet-setter. You're going to have to ask so many friends and put them out. You're going to alienate your friends by asking them to dog-s often well you've offered before to cat sit is that not available for dogs out of curiosity uh i don't know if i would dog sit it's too much work cat sitting you just give them their food and then the rest they just chill in your room with

you nice that was a really interesting way to let us know that you would never help us out if we needed you jeff in a well caleb what you have to know about Jeff is that Jeff also will never take anyone to the airport or pick them up. I heard about your guys' airport pact where nobody Ubers to or from the airport. Yeah, we don't allow that. That goes against every personal rule I've set for myself, every personal boundary that I've set.

I think that that's only for people who live in LA and are a little friend. People who visit can certainly take an Uber. Now, do they all take an Uber? No, sometimes it just depends. I would say Shelby's more generous with it than I am. I'm not. live in LA and our little friend, people who visit can certainly take an Uber. Now, do they all take an Uber? No. Sometimes it just depends. I would say Shelby's more generous with it than I am. I'm not.

If you pick a flight that comes in at 5 p.m. and I got to be in rush hour to Santa Monica, no, sir, you will be taking an Uber. No. My rule is that I will never ask either of you to pick me up from the airport, but I'll also never pick you up from the airport. Well, if you do, you know, a lot of times if you go for work, they'll send you cars to and from, and that's not the same as an Uber. We allow that. We do allow that.

Well, I've never been sent a car. I'll send you a car, Jeff. Weren't you just in Miami for work? Yeah, they did send a car for that one. Yeah, there you go. But not to LAX. What were you doing in Miami? It was a commercial.

Cool, what for? Can you tell us or no? It was for an oil filter company. What's up? Huh. Yeah. Mostly's up? So. Huh. Yeah. Mostly running on NASCAR. Yeah.

I don't know. Races. I think it's already been shown, but I didn't see it on live TV. I saw it and I look like an evil villain. Do you wear a little NASCAR outfit? No. They put me. I was modern guy.

So. What's up? I was. My character was modern guy. So I was my character was modern guy so I was in a red Mustang like the new ones not the old ones and

they had they cut my hair it was way longer and then they cut it to a length that was basically a pixie cut my therapist said that I was a manic pixie manic pixie dreamboat

and your therapist is hitting on you that wasn't my therapist, actually. I misspoke. It was... What? Who was it?

Who said that? My acting coach. Same thing. Okay. And she was making fun of me. Yeah. But they sent a car. Jeff.

Yeah. Fuck, marry, kill. Your performance in the oil commercial uh that was pro oil companies sure your um your performance on the head gum pod yep um or um your performance as an undergraduate at the university of southern california fuck oh god this is an easy one uh fuck my performance in the oil commercial i mean i stole the show i don't know what else to say uh and mary that my performance in the weekly podcast known as the head gun podcast go check that out and you guys have been on episode and

we'll bring you back for another one and uh i'll kill my time at usc because i was uh i was a little rat oh okay cool no. Don't elaborate. Don't elaborate. Hey, Jeff, could you take off your headphones for a second? Caleb, what did he mean when he said

he was a little rat? He said he was a little rat. Did he say he was working as a government informant? What does that mean? Yeah, a rat for who? Was he eating food

off the floor? What was he doing? It's funny to imagine that he just ate like a lot of cheese and peanut butter. And like slept in the bathtub. He can come back. Jeff, he can come on back in. What did I miss? Nothing.

We are so proud of you for your time at USC. Yeah, we were talking logistics yeah um hey I wanted to get on the same page about how we felt how are you guys

oh Shelby how are we well Caleb's a little sicky yep a little but not too much you just got back from Portland

I just got back from Portland I'm back in LA baby and yeah life is good Shelby and I did the recycling yesterday that was pretty good you did the recycling or no i took it out to pick it out to the curb yeah today was the day it was due it was due today jeff we are so excited to have you here but we have to ask you a question we ultimately have one question that i want shelby

to ask shelby take it away girly caleb and i have been stewing over how to ask you this because it's something that's been bothering us for a little bit we just don't want to fuck it up it's just like such a crucial question yeah yeah we actually decided he was gonna ask you know he's you know throwing it over to me so it is a lot i'm stressed i'm sweating no but shelby i feel like you're so much better in these kind of high pressure situations than me yeah i think you're both floundering but shelby has the mic closer to her mouth well shelby's crying shelby's crying right now and that's not helping well you know sometimes things are like not always like that easy and like people think that it's like easy voice oscar oscar emmy tony grammy what are the podcast awards streamy potty nice the potties the port-a-potties the humor category of the potty um jeff if we sent new

records into space fuck she's doing it what would you put on them and be honest you want me to be honest yes okay no more no more games okay well that's the that's the importance of being earnest is like being on this podcast the importance of being if i could actually cut you guys off quickly yeah yeah that's actually the importance of being earnest no guys stop this is honestly the importance of being earnest let's be real this podcast honestly the importance of being earnest. Let's be real. This podcast is about the importance of being earnest. Do you guys know that feeling of when somebody's being earnest?

And it feels important. Hold on. When someone's being earnest. Guys, shh. When someone's being earnest. All right. No, enough fun and games, though. Let's move on with the podcast. It really is about importance it's about being going forward with the show i think that

we should just lay a ground rule and that's that we stress the importance of being earnest i think the biggest thing guys okay seriously we do the podcast has to progress we have to do the the but i think just really i think the baseline has to be it's important to be earnest sorry I didn't mean to cut you off what did you say Shelby? I didn't hear either of you because you guys cut you off can you one by one say what you just said? so I was going to say importance of being earnest and Shelby you were saying

I was saying that it's the importance of being earnest sorry to cut you off Shelby 100% when you said deal sorry I want to cut everyone off it's the importance of mike cut us off um mike puts in oscar music where they play you off the stage it's but it's the oscar music where they play you off with classic soundtracks so it's just the jaws theme song during best sound designers do you guys i know we asked you a question Jeff but I do have to say this because it's insane

my mom you guys don't know this I was going to be like do you guys know it's a story about my mom when she was young I can't imagine that you do my mom she got bit by a shark no but she my mom is really really afraid of sharks

definitely nice she lived in Arizona and she had a pool No, but she, my mom is really, really afraid of sharks. Okay. Nice. She lived in Arizona and she had a pool like with, when she was like, she was waiting tables and she lived in a house with a bunch of friends and she had a pool. Yeah. She got home from waiting tables and jumped in the pool. I don't remember what time she said it was, but I think it was like early in the morning and she, in her head claimed she was sober no chance but she claims she claims stone cold sober in her head heard the jaws theme song believed it and swam as fast as she could to the side of the

pool took a breath because she swam so fast Hit her upper teeth on the side of the pool. Knocked them all out. Permanently? Fuck that. Well, now they're veneers. I'm so sorry to hear that. I hear that story and I raise you this story. It's not about Jeff or his records. When I was in like fifth grade, I saw people doing backflips at the pool off the diving board.

And I was like, I don't want to do it off the diving board, but I will do it off the side of the pool. And I stood on the side of the concrete, you know, the little step that's like where the filters are. I stood on that and I tried to do a backflip. I got about halfway back, couldn't turn it, came all the way back and hit my jaw on the concrete, split open my entire chin, had to go to the emergency room then my mom started fighting nurses and er people because they wouldn't let her come back with me to get the stitches and so they're like pulling me back to this room alone i'm crying i'm in so much pain my mom is literally being held back by nurses screaming that's my son and so i thought i was so i thought i was dying because i was like that's the only reason they would take you from your mom

turns out they were just mean she totally could have been in there she's also a nurse it was crazy you guys why do you have the most viscerally painful stories of anyone I know

you also when you guys came on the HeadGum Podcast you told a story about how you were you just got like what a root canal

without any anesthesia yeah I also got my nipple chopped off once a nipple chopped off yeah also got my nipple chopped off once. A nipple chopped off? Yeah, I got my nipple chopped off once. He's a liar. No, I'm not.

I'll show you the scar, Shelby. If you want to come in here right now, I'll show you the scar. Let's do it. I could probably... Hold on, I forget which nipple it was. Hold on. Was it that one? No.

Keep all this in, Mike. You can't really tell. I'm trying to find it well oh yeah you can see on this one but i don't know way you can see it fully got but it's there can you see shelby look you see how it has a little harry potter boy who lived vibes yeah oh it's like kind of cut up right there they had to sew that back on so what basically what happened was go back to your room shelby basically what happened was i was my friend and i were shirtless okay we were playing um we were playing i can go slice the net we're playing we're playing cut off each other's nipples you know the game we're playing hide and go seek and i was running

really fast no no don't say that about shelby i was running really fast through the house don't tell her um i was running really fast through the house shirtless and i ran past a doorstop and rammed my nipple onto it when i was running past and it literally sliced my nipple like off like it was hanging from a thread of skin and i had to go to the hospital and i had to sew my nipple back together and also onto my chest um a few things that have come up since i left my room and came back okay i forgot to bring this up in the intro but just before recording this podcast galem knocked over a plant and when i walked through the hallway to get to his room there's just dirt everywhere and a plant sitting on the floor sideways i love that energy leading into this.

Yeah, you guys know, part of the energy of the pod is that I did knock over an entire plant in our hallway and did not have time to clean it up. So there's a depotted plant laying in our entire hallway. Yeah, and I also, Caleb knows this story. Jeff, I don't think you do.

But I fell off a water slide ladder when I was five and i landed on my head and i had a seizure explains a lot both of my parents both my parents were out of town on a road trip holy may so i was just like with my friend's dad and they didn't know my birthday and so they and you didn't know your birthday so that's a bad sign and And I had a seizure in the waiting room. And so they had to admit me as a Jane Doe. Shelby. It's a comedy show. What's up?

Like Caleb's was kind of like funny and neat. He sliced off his nipple. There's comedy to that. That was the second one. The first one was just he hit his face on a thing. I just don't think it's funny to joke about seizures. Went to the ER. I have that.

I just don't think it's funny to joke about seizures. I just don't think it's funny to talk about these things. Sorry. Sorry about that. You guys can't police me on my own would you consider a seizure a bodily function is that i was i was thinking recently that we should be gatekeeping the word trauma a little bit how do you guys feel about that 100 no people online we're just letting people use it about anything they're like i have trauma around getting yelled at in school when I talk too much. And it's like, okay, I think that just happened to you.

I don't know if it's really trauma. Yeah. Well, it's about the impact, Caleb. You know what? I will say that Jeff actually just made a pretty important distinction between me and Shelby, which is that my traumatic stories from childhood are always kind of like, yeah, it was really bad, and it changed my life, and that's how it went. And Shelby's always kind of like, I almost it was really bad and it changed my life and that's how it went. And Shelby's always kind of like, I almost died,

but here's why it's kind of funny. That's even Shelby. Yeah, well, it's usually pretty funny. I was at the pool. You guys haven't been to the pool? You haven't been to the pool? You guys, let me send a little picture for you. I was at the pool.

You know, one of those holes in the floor that has a little water in it. Flo was at the pool. You know, one of those holes in the floor. It has a little water in it. Floor? Floor? You mean ground? Depends how you look at it. 22 minutes and 15-ish seconds.

We are into this episode, and we have not really heard about Jeff's records, which I think is good. Do you guys know... Okay, so when somebody with freshly applied acrylic nails scratches your back during a personal low yeah yeah no no Caleb what do you mean you know those nails that are applied onto your your fingernails i'll stop you right there i know what acrylic nails are what i mean is what the during no one's low no one's ever scratched your back with acrylic nails i'm imagining you shirtless during this correct should i be doing that yeah okay so this is sexual it doesn't have to be sexual it could could be, well, the one example I was going to be was my nanny. So I guess that's kind of sexual. Listen.

What's up? What's going on? This is not how your show usually goes. This is a horrible start. You hooked up with your nanny? No. My dad hooked up with my nanny. Shelby.

That's true. That is true. That is true. That is true. They dated for like two years. Yeah. God. No. Backscratches, like light backscratches when you're at a personal low.

You're crying about something. You're having an existential crisis. You're going through a breakup. Whatever it may be. Somebody has acrylic nails, that ups the ante. The ante. Yeah. The ante. That ups the auntie we can move on 22 minutes no let's spend two minutes on this one and move on no look acrylic nails on your back when you're at a personal well i think that can be very powerful

why don't you tell us about the time that your nanny did that to you my nanny did not do that to me just like people you know somebody has like acrylic nails why did you bring up the name i don't know my nanny had acrylic nails was the first person i thought of but uh you know like you know ex-lovers ex-girlfriends of mine have had acrylic nails and they scratched my back when i really need it is there any chance i don't know if this was your experience with having a nanny jeff but um i didn't have one but i know a lot of people who did. Was your nanny by any chance the flashy girl from Flushing? I don't know if you, because I know some people who have nannies have this experience where everyone else will be wearing tan.

Shelby's gone. And she'll be wearing red. Did you ever have an experience like that? Where your nanny was like maybe had a little bit of a constant confrontation with like your effeminate but not gay butler named Niles? Did you have anything like that? What would be something similar to that? Did you have anything like that was your experience like that i'm asking uh my nanny was i think her name was ashley and we

played uh banjo tooey on nintendo 64 okay and she had acrylic nails and maybe that's why i've dated people who end up having acrylic nails at some point so you've dated a lot of people with acrylic nails and they've scratched your back and it's meant a lot to you what do you want the aliens to take from that i want them to take what it feels like to not only because it's it has to be during a personal low because it's the most soothing thing in the world i also have a feeling that you have listeners being like yes exactly right no absolutely we do because it absolute. We are giving you shit for an absolutely normal and correct thing to say.

Our listeners have loved and lost. They've experienced. One thing about keeping records listeners, they have had the breadth of human experience. They come from all walks of life. How do you know that? What demographic statistic shows that? We have a lot of listeners.

They're mostly eight years old. And by that time, your imagination is still pretty powerful. And so they've imagined a lot of lived experience. They haven't had it yet, but they get it more than most. And they are old souls. Keeping records listeners are old souls.

Decidedly not lived experience if it's all imagined from an eight year old. Au contraire. I don't know. I was telling Shelby about this the the other day but i really want to get a bottom inner bottom lip tattoo and oh contraire would be a great one to get so somebody says something you disagree and you just go that's actually tell him what you actually wanted in there he wants hands i wanted to say hands the beer yeah that would be so um well no okay before you answer it is the importance of being earnest

and also oh can i actually stop you right there shelby because i don't find that i agree with that i would actually call it the importance of being earnest in my opinion okay yeah because he um well i don't know are we sort of what's up what'd you say jeff okay you guys are done yeah i didn't want to interrupt, but basically I wanted to stress, for lack of a better term, the importance of being earnest. For lack of a better term.

He wants to be able to order a beer by pulling down his lip. Yeah, so they say, what can I get you, chief? And I go, hang on. That's stupid and it pisses me off. If someone did that, if I was a bartender,

I would not serve them. If you also felt that was stupid and it pisses you off, listen to the HeadGum podcast every Friday. That's the energy of that show. Your guys' episode is my favorite episode we've ever done, so that's a good in for people, I guess. Jeff, stop now. It's not that big of a bomb drop.

No, I'm like crying. Caleb, I'm coming into the room. Come to get us. Another delay of Shelby. Like just a three second delay, but still that's long. Oh my God. No, she's not. Oh, she's traveling.

She's traveling. Shelby has left her desk once again. Why can't we? What does this have to do with us getting a dog, Jeff? Jet setting, traveling. Jeff, who would you kill if you could? Probably Shelby. Say hi to Jeff.

Oh my god, Jeff! Should we do the rest of the episode like this? Oh my god. Mike's like, that'll be an editing nightmare. Mike, is that a no? Jeff, who would you kill if you could? Between the two of you? Yeah.

Yeah, fuck, marry, kill. Me, Jeff. Me, Shelby, Mike. Fuck, marry, kill. mary mike's that um just bleep it mike just bleep it um kill shelby mary caleb oh my god what's the right answer? Because you both look upset And I gave you the nicest one No, that was the right answer It's just that

It's that really upset Shelby She left the room Well, and now we're going to see her sulk in Here it is Yeah, slams the door Didn't make a sound Because she didn't close it all the way Oh my god

Sits down on her throne-like desk chair That swivels Shelby, are you okay? No We asked the same question to Amir when he was on And he killed me also sits down on her throne-like desk chair that swivels. Shelby, are you okay? No. We asked the same question to Amir when he was on, and he killed me also. It just doesn't matter, right? No, it really matters to us.

Yeah, you're treating it with more reverence than I've seen you treat anything. We did a fuck, marry, kill earlier, and you guys were so flippant about it. We moved on almost immediately. It was different. We're going to throw to a break. Let's go to a commercial break.

Oh my God. Welcome, Mark. Jeff, would you like to bark for the listeners? Oh, oh. We'll cut that. Mike, cut that for sure. Wait, do you want to try a real one

arf okay it's not that's okay everyone doesn't have to be good at everything um uh I got an album for the record oh my god okay we're zooming through your stuff okay go ahead

it's 30 minutes and i barely said one you guys hated it no we loved it i loved it it makes me think of a camp counselor for what pretty odd by panic at the disco oh my god what's your favorite song off of it mad as rabbits i actually just talked about this on a podcast literally 90 minutes ago um so panic at the disco was my favorite band growing up uh i was all into the emo the the scene the pop punk scene um hush sound fallout boy blink 182 uh in later years i don't know how but they found me but that's kind of now uh panic the disco was an unbelievable collection of for lack of a better term artists and uh they're now bubblegum part bubblegum pop garbage bubblegum

part they're bubblegum part do we want to play the mad as a rabbit before i say what i liked off the album come save me from walking off a wind cell or i'll sleep in the rain shelby it's okay to dance. I'm dead, remember? Are you kidding me? This rocks, right? So I actually played the drums on that track. Really? Yes. And I did it for free as a labor of love. Holy shit.

And I'm really proud of it. So it means a lot to me that you put it on. You were what, 15? I was seven. So you recorded it eight years before they released it. No. In 2008. I was seven in 2008.

Oh my God. I'm so sorry to hear that. No, don't be. It was awesome. I was born on 9-11. 9-11. Yeah. 9-11.

I was born on 9-11. 9-11. I was born on 9-11. I was born on 9-11. 9-11. Yeah. 9-11. I was born on 9-11. 9-11. I was born on 9-11. I was born on 9-11. So, so far we've made fun of seizures, 9-11. I'm not making fun of 9-11. It's my birthday. I'm not making fun of seizures.

I have that. I was just telling you guys I was born on 9-11. Was that kind of good? That's nuts. I don't know if I would say it was good. The second tower falls. I know that know if I would say it was good. The second tower falls. I know that this song may be charted a little higher,

so maybe I'm showing that I'm not that cool for liking it. Not in the afternoon is the one you like. It really is good. It is very. It's nine in the afternoon. You're all just so silent. You're cooking so you can't see it through. Feeling so good. Just the way that you show.

When it's not in the afternoon. And then Mike, you're a musician, so just pitch correct that. You guys were a little flat. Can we do vocal stacks? Sorry to interrupt, Shelby. I'm sorry. I do want to slide in the issue of the importance of being earnest. And I'll cut you off, Jeff.

You guys were both pretty flat. No, wait. Can I say something? I was on point. I'm not trying to be. No. I'm not trying to be nitpicky. Let's hear Shelby out.

Shelby, what did you have? You guys were just a little flat. I would stop you there. Jeff, you were flat, but not as flat as Shelby. I was on tune. It was flat. You were doing what? If anything, I was becoming flat because Shelby being so flat.

And I hate to put all the onus on Shelby, but if I was bad, it was because of you. I'm sorry. I don't mean to interrupt. I don't mean to interrupt. I didn't mean to interrupt. But can you take off your headphones for a second? Yeah. Shelby, you both were flat.

I have to be honest. Okay. Okay, fine. If you say so. Jeff, come back. He's literally playing with his plants this is the stupidest this is the stupidest

imaginable come back in complete waste of time we were both flat you guys were flat Caleb was also flat no yeah

yeah no 100% oh okay no worries so I really like Panic at the Disco Jeff I think this was

a great addition. Do you worry that the aliens will get really good at music and be better than us at art? Do you ask that to everybody who puts music on the record or just me for some reason? We ask some questions about what we are afraid about the aliens doing with some items for sure. This is less us picking on you and more we are afraid of the aliens.

I'm an interviewer. I'm an interviewer doing an interview and Jeff is being mad at me. Ever seen Letterman? Ever seen David Letterman? Ever seen Letterman? Caleb's always like that. Have you? Jeff, answer the question.

Yeah, I've seen Letterman. Okay, well then you get it. Well, then you know what I do on here. You could have cited anyone. No. No. Letterman. There's a really good on here. You could have cited anyone. No. No. Letterman. There's a really good Letterman interview with Bob Weir and Jerry Garcia

where they just kind of like stump him. They keep throwing back this energy towards him. They're like being silly in a way. You know about being silly, Caleb. Oh, no, sir. No, sir, I do not. You take it very seriously. I take being silly seriously. That's, I think, the first t-shirt for keeping records.

I have to move out. It's friend of the pod bumper sticker, but it's Caleb with a little text blurb saying, I take being silly very seriously. And Shelby saying, I have to move out. On the back. On the stitching of the neck or something. Wait, wait, wait. Hey, something we haven't talked about on the podcast is that Mike got a haircut.

Mike did get a haircut. I was going to bring it up, could i couldn't help but feel like you guys already talked about it we haven't talked about it and i think that's wrong of us it looks great it looks good it looks good i think if if if the listeners if any of you guys are dying to leave a review for us on apple for this episode the review should be caleb and shelby take uh being serious being silly very seriously and Mike got a haircut. That would be... And Jeff is also involved. And Jeff is also involved. And make sure it's five stars

and say those words together. That would be the review for this episode. Love that. Say, Shelby and Caleb take being funny, being silly really seriously

and Mike got a haircut and Jeff was also there. And Jeff was also involved or there. Yeah. Yeah. And make that five stars. So you have two options.

Yeah. Involved, there, silly, funny. You guys can play with it a little bit. Make it your own, but I can't stress it enough, stick to the text. So ultimately, I did ask Jeff a question.

He decided to be confrontational about it instead of answering it. So I'm going to re-up on that. Jeff, do you worry that sending Panic at the Disco to space will make the aliens really good at music? Why fear more content like that? If they're making music like Mad as Rabbits, I would hope they would send a record back.

Because then they're better than us at art. And then we would cease to be... Do you understand? Well, then we'd have more time for work. You're really for the Earth first policy in space. Yeah, I'm very globalist, but not in a way, you know what I mean? But not in a coming together way. I think it was Jacquees Neal on here who was like, nobody would ever see people bond quicker

than if the aliens descended. Like we would be like, world, world, world. We would come the show quick. Have you talked about how it makes no, there's no logic ground for them sending an LP out to space because they obviously are not going to have a record player? No, because you obviously haven't done any research. So...

Holy shit. Yeah. Because they included the thing to play it on okay and a diagram do you know what that you know what sounds so good right now what if you were just like a chocolate malt where the hell did that come from i was gonna say rotisserie chicken oh because like zoe lester jones said that no because uh but she did uh somebody just said roasted i think it might have been me you did say that you prompted your own craving oh shit when i said roasted just then i'm so sorry to cut you off shelby but i hate that first of all the importance of being earnest let's just kind of bring it out there as a goal

of the pod right second of all i hate that you can hold your importance of being earnest let's just kind of bring it back down as a goal of the pod right second of all I hate that you can hold your microphone like a stand up who's like in the middle of trying out new material

but is already seasoned what is the deal with airplanes you you're like holding it almost upside down playing with the cord I just

I hate this Jeff you gotta learn to operate from a space of love my man Jeff you're living your life in a space of hate, brother, and it's bringing you down. On my show, again, the HeadGum podcast, if you listen to it, I'm constantly

it's a constant barrage of alienating me and bullying me. So what is this, your revenge tour? No, I'm just used to people going for the jugular. And so you do it now. Defensive. Well, thank you for coming on. It was good to see you for sure. This is going to be the unreleased episode.

No, it's going out this week. This is going out in two days. What about buying something specific at a hardware store? Yes. What do you mean by that? So I'm not a handyman. Thank you. But sometimes I do have to go to Baller Hardware or some kind of local equivalent and get something hyper specific for a DIY project.

Not that I'm doing those all the time. But like this quilt that I hang up to kind of wall off my little desk area here for sound, I had to get those screws that just screw into the wall. And going into a hardware store with a purpose, with a sense of purpose, with a confidence is a real source of pride

for me. Hey, I feel you, brother. I had to do that once with a saw so that I could saw my desk in half. People might seen the the desk saga on the internet and and saga yeah jeff what is your most what is your most proud um earthly possession purchase you've ever made from a hardware store and be honest i installed a sink so what did you buy for that? I bought the sink, the cock, the drainage. And the sealant. In a rental house? In a saw in a rental.

Yeah. So the sink was broken. This was the beginning of COVID. I didn't want somebody coming into my then very small apartment uh so i was like i'll just do it myself and so i i did it myself i installed a sink and jeff i can't lie to you that's pretty hot that's a pretty hot thing to do and say yeah did people tell you that because it really is hot if my if anybody if anybody did that uh that was like my friend i would be like you're being hot right now

yeah i can i can install a new sink for you guys you guys have a nice sink but i can i can make it happen i was trying to do a joke where i say if anybody did that that was my friend um kind of implying that jeff and i aren't friends even though we are and jeff didn't take the bait so now we're just kind of living in that space yeah yeah i i feel like i missed it i think the listeners would have missed it. You called it out. I think if anyone wants to learn the buying something specific

at a hardware store feeling, everyone should own like a basic tool set and so you should go get one and feel what Jeff's talking about. Yeah, 100%. Because like you're in there with all the people who are like working on stuff, you know, the weekend warrior dads who make,

I don't know, they have in the garage, they have, in the garage they have that pegboard, uh, and they're making something every weekend just so they don't have to talk to their friggin' wife. I feel... Oh my god, so they don't have to talk to the old missus!

I mean, that's what everybody's waxing about. That's what everybody's saying in line, so I'm like, yeah, my wife is, my wife's the worst. Do you see what I'm like, yeah, my wife is the worst. Do you see what I'm buying? Hooks for a quilt. Hey, something really funny happened to me and Shelby the last time we were in a hardware store together. Actually, we go to hardware stores a lot.

I'm not sure if this was the last time. Was this the time that I had to saw in public? You wanted to saw in public. I offered. And you said, no, I would like to do it. And I said, okay, go nuts. Shelby is sawing in the hardware store to get the exact length that we need and this man keeps trying to help her she's not doing a bad job she's sawing it well and this man keeps being like maybe i can hop in

and help and she's like nope i got it and i'm just laughing off to the side because i'm like she hates this yeah it was so funny he was so persistent also not like a strong guy or like a guy that seems to do it a lot like this was just a man but i would do that but i wasn't struggling i was having fun we were laughing i was having a good time and he kept being like need me to hold this down for you or something i was like oh that energy yeah and i was like no why did you got it why did jeff say he would do that what did he mean by that it's a way of making friends I was like, oh, that energy. Yeah. And I was like, no, we've got it. Why did Jeff say he would do that? What did he mean by that?

It's a way of making friends. Oh, being casually sexist. I didn't. I guess I didn't mean it in a sexist way, but more like, hey, do you guys need any help on this group project that I can get in on? Jeff did 10 group projects for every project in high school. He was trying to get in on it. He was like, I'll join whatever group. Constantly going house to house to help.

You guys need help on your essays? Make a group project? Yeah, you guys need help? Jeff goes to jail. You can go to jail. That's the Shelby thing of this. That's how a guy gets to become a Trojan. Oh my God.

Jeff just did Shelby's signature move. Little fist and palm action. Little fist and palm. Hey, Jeff. What else would you put on your records, to be honest? Aioli, mostly. What kind? Generally. All of it, but definitely truffle,

chipotle, and garlic. What's your favorite of the three? Fuck, marry, kill. Truffle, chipotle, garlic. Marry, chipotle, fuck, truffle, kill, garlic. What are your guys' answers? I would kill truffle, I would marry garlic, and I would fuck Chipotle. See, I would fuck Chipotle, marry truffle, kill garlic. You can get garlic in there another way.

Yeah. What do you mean by that? Truffle's a luxury. I want to marry that. I want to marry into wealth you know and then i want um to have a little spice in my sex life chipotle yeah and garlic i don't want to fuck garlic you're gonna smell bad for a long time jeff you just took three different approaches with all three answers one was very literally sexually this chipotle one was marriage material or not

and then the last one was oh if you fuck physically fuck garlic aioli you're gonna smell bad hey guys i'm getting a phone call should i answer it yes who is it yeah okay it's it's my friend it's my friend gabby boyd gabby you're live on the podcast gabby am i really live on the podcast yeah i don't think you can hear she can't hear yeah she can hear me spiritually do you

I was just wondering if you wanted to if you wanted to say anything to Jeffrey James our friend Jeffrey James

no ask her to fuck Mary kill the we're kind of online friends we haven't spoken but we're on yeah I follow

Gabby on Twitter he says he follows you on Twitter hey Gabby we want you to weigh in on this question we're having fuck Mary kill

truffle truffle ai, chipotle aioli And garlic aioli Oh my god Okay so immediately we're killing truffle aioli Thank you It's disgusting It's dirty It feels like I'm eating

Just a mushroom that I pulled right out of the ground Tell her to move on Move on Okay and then I'm gonna Fuck a just a mushroom that I pulled right out of the ground tell her to move on move on um okay and then I'm gonna fuck Chipotle and I'm gonna marry

a girl like you okay and I'm not gonna think twice about it Jeff just unfollowed you on Twitter live on the podcast that really

that really hurts that really hurts but you know what I'm gonna go to Chipotle and that's a big friend hey Gabby we gotta go but we love you so much.

I'll call you back later. You go ahead and do the podcast. Bye, I love you. Bye. I think that was really informative. Yeah, I think you think that because it was... Well, I think we can't trust her. If she had not said that answer, you would have said that it was bullshit.

That's a cut. Cut. We're cutting that. Aioli makes everything better. It's the best fry dipping sauce it's the best thing to put on a sandwich or a burger uh it's the best thing to uh have on the side of anything really buffalo cauliflower onion rings i don't think it's the best thing to put on a burger i gotta say jeff i i love you i have respect for you for me the

best thing you can put on a burger because you're my buddy the best thing you can put on a burger is bacon jam y'all ever had bacon jam? alright that's pretty that's a good one oh well Shelby doesn't eat meat

so this is kind of weird well that's what she tells people she eats meat though at home sometimes really? no never once well she said she thinks spam isn't meat

so yeah so she well if it comes from a pig it's not meat oh incredible you were going to say something Shelby? when it comes to buffalo pig, it's not meat. Oh, incredible. You were going to say something, Shelby?

When it comes to buffalo cauliflower, and also you didn't mention this as one, but I'll say pizza. We are being a little bit naive to say aioli over ranch. Ranch, yeah. Dismissive of ranch. Dismissive of ranch for sure. And you're from Ohio. I know. You're from the Chagrin Valley and you're going to shade Hidden Valley?

No, aioli is in ranch, but Ranch is not in Aoli. We should do a... Caleb, do they say cookouts in Kansas City or is it barbecue? Yeah, it's barbecue. You want to do a barbecue, Jeff? We should do barbecue. We should do bacon jam. Oh my God, bacon jam is so good.

Yeah, I just got an outdoor table. I'll make something you guys are going to hate, which is mushroom jam. That sounds great. Horrible. No. Not horrible. I would be really upset about that. I made it recently, and it was so good.

So I'll make it, and then Jeff can have some, and Caleb, you can have something else. I make a really good truffle mac and cheese. I would eat that. I might just drop it off to you guys at a random specific on a hot day Jeff what is what is something so embarrassing that you think it should be deleted from all of humanity and before you answer Shelby wants to give you

a disclaimer please don't make it like a big thing please don't try and don't virtue signal here yeah don't make it anorexia don't make it anorexia. Don't make it diverticulitis. Don't make it anything big. Don't make it seizures, please.

Not for me. Please don't do that for me. Don't make it tuberculosis. Yeah. Not 9-11. I was going to do 9-11 in an annoying way, and I decided not to. Don't make it 9-11. Then he wouldn't be born.

Don't make it 9-11. Shelly wouldn't be born. Don't make it 9-11. Shelly Foley almost just fell off her desk here. All right, I got it. Are you guys ready? Yeah. VJ Day in Times Square. I want to take that photo. I want to take that photo.

I want it to have not happened in 1945. The sailor kissing the woman and the victory over japan yeah i want to i want that to be my engagement photo and then it goes viral hmm okay okay do you imagine that you're the person being leaned back or the person doing the leaning back in that picture you know i was picturing i was doing the leaning back but to be leaned back and smooched especially by someone with acrylic nails. If they were scratching your back a little bit while they leaned you. Caleb, you can't do this to me.

I'm so lonely. Your nanny? My nanny, yeah. What was her name? Ashley? Ashley, yeah. Benson. You say I don't listen.

Ashley. Ashley. Benson. Ashley. Benson. I love that. I think. Ashley. Ashley. Benson. Ashley. Benson. I love that. I think that you should delete that picture, Jeff. I think that's really powerful.

Shelby, I think, and I agree with you that that picture needs to go. Shelby, any thoughts on that? You think that the picture needs to go or you think Jeff needs to recreate it? It's a different. Well, the picture needs to go so that Jeff can recreate it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What are you coming back from to make that important? it's a different picture needs to go so that jeff can recreate it yeah okay yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah what are you coming back from to make that important oh no it's my engagement photos yeah but part of like what's important is that it was like a sailor they didn't actually know each other is like the story behind that um all right i'm just compositionally then surface level can we just come back from a commercial shoot in miami i have a question

then i have i have another question if i'm still just doing commercial shoots does the picture have the same impact when it's just your engagement yeah okay okay i'm saying it goes viral maybe i took it too literally maybe i think people like it just because it truly because of the composition but i don't know maybe i'm a romantic. Maybe I'm just a sucker for love. And maybe you guys are heart cynics. Right. That's true. You don't think that it might go viral just for love?

No. How many things do you see go viral just for love? What's that? How many things do you see go viral just for love? Well, now that's interesting. Is it interesting or do you not have an answer to it? No, that's actually really interesting. Is it interesting or do you not have an answer to it? No, that's actually really interesting. Stalling for time.

No, not stalling. Just kind of like making sure that- Three examples. Quick. Rapid fire. Three examples. Rapid fire of things that went viral for the sake of love. Yeah.

Restating the question won't save you. Restating the question that you just asked me, which is three things. Rapid fire. I can do it fast fire i can do it fast i can do it fast for sure go ahead yeah you haven't started yet it's been 17 000 seconds since i asked it the first time um justin bieber's new album caleb you know about that it went viral just for love he's trying to appeal to our interests i'm trying to yeah gain a friend gain an ally in this he's like he's like, Justin Bieber, Judaism.

Living in the city went viral for being a place of love. Living in Ohio. Oh, you guys had Mitra on last night. Last week. I listened to it last night. So it's Ohio month. July is Ohio month. This episode is going to go viral for my love for you guys.

See, still trying to appeal. I'm trying to appeal. But it was sweet. Do you feel touched? Do I feel touched? No, Caleb. I'm asking Caleb. I feel touched.

Valentine's Day. Everybody saw that movie. That was because of Taylor Swift. Who was in love with Taylor Lautner and their celebrity name was Taylor. Taylor Swatner. Taylor Swiftner? No, Swatner's better. Jeff, ultimately...

Yeah. What is the next thing on your record? Caleb didn't say anything about that smile. Making a friend feel bad about almost getting in a car accident while you're in the car for way longer than is fair. Hmm. so like tell us what that looks like so you're in the back of a ford fusion i would never i would never be in the back of a ford fusion but go ahead right we used to have a ford fusion yeah i would never be in the back of it baby everything i do everything i do happens in the front come on now

yeah come on come on now. Come on now. Come on now, girl. Can you just put like a big band sting right there? Everything. Hey, when I had a Ford Fusion, all the business happened in the front. And then just like a sack sting. Come on now. Reverse mullet.

Normal mullet. Normal mullet. Oh, there is one this or that that I think we should ask Jeff. Yeah. This mullet. Oh, there is one this or that that I think we should ask Jeff. Yeah. This or that. Because I'm just looking at it, and you made me think of it when you said reverse, Shelby. Jeff, this or that, really quick. Reverse cowgirl or reverse racism?

Go ahead. Reverse cowgirl. Ew, freak. Freak? That's freaky. Jeff, that's freaky. I'm so sorry, Mike. I didn't mean to offend everybody. Mike is blushing.

Mike is blushing right now. Mike kind of has a reverse mullet. What? Long in the front, short in the back Jeff, you can't just insult Mike on the pod It looks good You can't treat Mike bad on the pod, dude This is a Mike pod Ask me how many car accidents I've gotten in my life

Six How many car accidents have Two of them with people in the car and uh my friends haven't let me hear the end of it were any of them serious none they were fender benders what is worse to you yep being in the car with someone when they almost get in a car accident okay or being in the car with someone when they do get pulled over the second one i guess caleb and i got pulled over recently but um i'm so sorry to hear that but no i i had once a i can't name names because ultimately i don't know but i once was on a i was on a drive

with like four friends in the car i was in the back with two friends the other two were in the front i've never seen you treat something so serious yeah you haven't blinked this entire time you're setting up diagrams you're like you're like moving your furniture around you're like this is the room i have to put myself in the position you know um and i have to remember exactly what happened we were driving on the highway and we got pulled over and it was not a big deal they didn't even give them a ticket they like let them go and the driver and the girl in the passenger seat cried this was a road trip cried for an hour and a half who is this but they didn't get from cleveland i might know these people who is this no no no they're not they're from not cleveland but they um they cried for an hour and a half both of them we didn't get a ticket the three of us are in the back just like

yeah yeah then fuck that it was one of the most uncomfortable car rides i've ever been in because of course because not only did they not get a ticket so it shouldn't have mattered at all yeah but then they were crying and so cranky and now going exactly the speed limit for the rest of the trip and we're driving kind of far so we're going like you know i think we were going from like maine to new york do you guys humble yourself when uh when someone when a cop pulls you over do you like treat you're like blue lives matter for just that oh you've never seen somebody more humble yeah i'm i'm yes sir oh gosh oh golly there's a speed limit oh boy you did start to get a little testy with the police officer that pulled you over what did he say he was being fucking annoying first of officer that pulled you over. He was pissing us off. What did he say? He was being fucking annoying.

First of all, he pulled me over for texting while driving. I should never be pulled over for texting while driving. I'm good at it. So I shouldn't get in trouble for that. Number one. I'm good at it. No one's ever been hurt while I'm doing it yet. And if they do someday, then you can give me a ticket.

He pulls over with that. Then he starts being real testy with us about like, Shelby and I had moved and he was like, why didn't you update your address and your license i'm like we moved like a month two months ago yeah he likes we have all the stuff in the back because we had just bought what gone on like a house uh goods run we had bought like a bunch of stuff he's like what's all the stuff in the back i'm like we went to the store what like what do you want bitch like just do your little power trip and move on you fucking freak cops are weird relentless and he kept being weird

weird yeah caleb had like not yet put on his plates plates but they had only come in like a day before and he was like should be on there and we were like sorry enough they always do that they always do that little benevolent thing the little like thing to where they're like you know i could give you seven more tickets for not having those plates on i'm like fuck then give me the fucking ticket weirdo i'll pay it how How about that? I don't care. Get your weird ass out of here. Yeah. By withholding those seven. You're still going to give me a ticket.

Jeff, what do you think it means if yesterday night, otherwise known as last night, I was driving and a police officer flashed their lights at me as they were coming at me head on. Sure. I flashed back because I thought maybe my lights weren't on. So I was doing a little test back. they drive back i didn't know it's

the police yet okay then i noticed it's the police as they get closer and then they shine a flashlight directly from their window into mine as they slowly roll by what do i think of that what's the question what do you think of that jeff what do you think they were doing i don't know they get paid way too much there's too many of them roaming the streets they have nothing to do so that was like them you know having fun i guess intimidating you wanting to get your heart rate up somebody thinks i matched a description jeff is pro cop jeff is i will say the most the weirdest thing about jeff is that he's pro police yeah i mean i don't really want to fully talk about it but i got it basically i got a tattoo yeah you didn't you tried to get a smiley face on your thigh and you didn't book an appointment and you didn't get me

yeah i'm kind of glad that your blue lives matter lip tattoo didn't work out i will say well it had to no because now i have to otherwise the tattoo goes against what i believe you know what i mean you have to back your way into your own value system based on the ink you get well look that's like the people who get a tattoo that's like be kind yeah um no you have one more thing no i have one more thing i also have a a cop weirdly rolling by story i was i went for a long bike ride the other day brag i didn't want it to be long, but I met my buddy Caroline. We went on the Frogtown River bike path thing. And we biked for a while.

At one point, we passed a cop driving on the bike path, taking up the entire thing. And I walked past, and I was like, nice bike. Okay, hard ass jeff said i absolutely roasted his ass pretty cool jeff said i walked up to this motherfucker looked him in the eyes spit on the ground and said nice bike they drive their cars on that bike path all the time and it is so distracting yeah and and weird and bad it's just to terrorize unhoused people yeah literally yeah cops you know what i'm and i hate to say this on jeff's episode because i know you don't agree jeff but cops are When Jeff's not around This is a pretty Anti-police podcast But when you're around We have to sort of

We have to get Kind of pro-cop For Jeff Which sucks Wee-oo-wee-oo Jeff's here I hold up my arms It's too

It's a blue and red light I'm flailing Woo It's also cool That we get to make The pod anti-cop regularly Because Mike is a volunteer sheriff he doesn't even do it for the money yeah he does it for the love of doing cop shit policing

he cuts out every every episode shelby and i say really poignant stuff about the state of politics in the country and mike cuts it every week he also drives an unmarked 2004 lincoln town car that really does suck like it's all black so you you have to look at it twice to make sure that it's not a cop you slow down on the highway exactly but then you see that it's not a cop. You slow down on the highway when you see Mike. But then you see that it's just Mike. When you get mad. You speed past him.

My last thing is the 10-minute underwater scuba battle in Thunderball. Have you guys seen this movie? No. Thanks so much for having me. Yeah. Tell people where they can find you, Jeff. You can find me on Twitter, at JeffBoyRD, on Instagram, at JeffreyJames. And please, listen to the HeadGum podcast.

We have an episode with Caleb and Shelby. It's potentially the best one. But if I say that, then you're going to only listen to that one and never the rest of it. We've also had people like Lauren Lapkus on the show, Finn Wolfhard, Jake and Amir, if you're fans of them fans of head gum uh it's kind of a it's a notoriously difficult show to get into which is not shouldn't be part of the pitch but um but when you've gone ahead and made it a part of it yeah absolutely and uh it's a lot of fun it's a lot of chaos it's a lot of games i give out a lot of i gave caleb 1300 on his episode yeah that was literally the rent that i had in my Venmo account to pay.

And also Review Review, an improv comedy show that I host with Riley Anspa, based off Yelp reviews. That's a lot of fun. We had your best episode on that as well, huh? Caleb? Caleb had a really good episode, yeah. What's up? I was there.

The last thing I want to ask you is what is your relationship what is your relationship like with jake and amir because they're really confrontational with us they send us like a lot of threatening texts and emails and i'm just wondering if you have a good experience with them and like has amir like ever like yeah come to showed up at your house yeah yeah it's it's it's hard because like especially because like i'm technically like a freelancer for the network right so like a lot of lines being crossed just like again yeah showing up at my house because he has relationship woes that he just doesn't choose to fix he decides to just stay the night at other places uh they don't seem to understand what it means to work uh amicably with people i think that's like the confrontation that you're

telling yeah that's like they thrive off that they thrive off that chaos i think it's a way for them to feel more in control if they start the confrontation then that means that they you know have a say in something amir showed up at our house okay crying yeah and he said neither of you can sleep in your beds i need to switch between the two throughout the night. Yeah. He shows up and makes weird rules for that night. So he showed up to mine with a knock that I've never even heard before. It was absolutely thunderous. I opened the door again, tears in his eyes, welling. It was also like welling up.

So I'm like, did you wait to cry till you got here? Yeah. And then he says, tonight the living room is mega bed. And so he forced us to literally carry our caspers, put them together. And we all, it was me, my roommates, Justin and George in a mirror. And we all sort of like, we didn't even cuddle. We just slept on a big bed. See, when he did that to us, he made us cuddle.

But he kept saying, he was crying the whole time we were cuddling. And he kept saying, isn't this funny? But he wouldn't stop crying. And there was really nothing funny about it. Yeah, that's the thing. Like when he starts to get upset, he just forgets what's actually funny and he doesn't play to the height of his intelligence. He grabbed a...

He doesn't play to the height of his intelligence. I will say that's something I've always noticed about him. Yeah, that's the thing. He plays dumb. I don't know if it's to make other people feel more comfortable, but it has the opposite effect. He grabbed a pen from my desk, cracked it open, tried to give himself a stick and

poke tattoo saying is this funny he spelled out is this funny and it wasn't funny that was another thing was caleb what was he whispering throughout the night he was in his sleep it's not in his sleep he doesn't he didn't sleep he just whispered oh he made it seem because we talked about it we tried to bring it up in the morning yeah he kept saying and he was like he was like i don't remember that i was asleep i was asleep he kept saying, and he was like, he was like, I don't remember that. I was asleep. I was asleep. He kept whispering. He kept whispering the whole night. He kept whispering. I can no longer maintain this. And I said,

we were like, what do you, what are you talking about? And he just kept saying this, I can't maintain it any longer. And we were like, what's going on? Yeah.

And then in the morning we were like, Hey, do you need to talk about like what you were saying last night? Like you were, you were saying it a lot. We were, and he called us, he called us faggots.

He was like, no, you guys are doing faggots. And then he left in his Miata. Right, the company Miata. The company Miata that he and Jake share. That's the other thing. It's the company car. I guess he's co-opted it as his personal mode of transportation. Well, have you seen what he did to the car?

He put flames on the hood. They're decals that are immediately peeling off. Yeah, and then he wrote Amir with a key. He keyed the car and said, Amir, smiley face. Yeah, and he never smiles. He did that in front of us, made us watch. Yeah. You guys have to check out the Hot Gum Podcast

and Review Review. The most disingenuous tone. Guys, we are absolutely freaked the fuck out to be able to tell you to go listen to Review Review and the HeadGum Podcast guys thank you so much

for having me Mike please edit this to be funnier than it was for me on my end no don't edit it at all okay Jeff

thanks for coming on seriously bye oh you don't want me to stay for ads could you stay for ads yeah thanks guys is something interfering with your happiness preventing you from achieving your goals stop cut it Thanks for coming on. Seriously, bye. Oh, you don't want me to stay for ads? Could you stay for ads? Yeah. Thanks.

Guys, is something interfering with your happiness preventing you from achieving your goals? Stop. Cut it. Mike, cut this. Cut in the podcast now. In the podcast now. In the podcast now. That was a Hiddem original.